Another Below Deck Podcast - But Lobster's Not Fish | Below Deck Reg S9 E13

Episode Date: January 26, 2022

Pat, Nick and Dylan are back to chat about white parties, how Lee says he going to eat ass too much, a war waged against WhatsNotsWhats, wealthy people appetizers and much more from Bravo's Below Deck. Subscribe to our Patreon for our coverage of Below Deck Sailing seasons 1 & 2 and our interview with Lexi Wilson.  https://patreon.com/anotherpodcastnetwork Video of this episode here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpgRn46VevjnBrp5A4tgiqw Merch: AnotherMerchStore.com Go to MagicMind.co and use promo code LEE for 25% OFF  Go to Manscaped.com and use promo code BELOWDECK for 20% OFF and FREE shipping Go to BetterHelp.com/BelowDeck for 10% off your first month. 

The dinner gets a little bit more trashy when we get to what we've got in store for appetizers. She's got hummus, chips, and salsa to start. Those are not wealthy people appetizers. That's fucking poker night for producers in Studio City. Hi, hello, and welcome to another Brand Spanking New episode. What? That's the wrong intro. Welcome aboard another Brand Spanking New episode of another Below Deck podcast. My name is Dylan. I'm saddled up next to one real Nicholas Davis. wrong intro welcome aboard another brand spanking new episode of another below deck podcast my name is dylan i'm saddled up next to one real nicholas davis ahoy mateys pat producer of the podcast

over there behind my glasses hey everybody how are you what are you saying to me i'm trying to ask you tell you to say permission to come aboard permission to come aboard oh is that gonna be granted is that gonna be a new thing yeah it. It's pretty good. Pretty cool. Okay. He's always just said, hey, I mean, let's make it nautical. Yeah, that's a good point. All right. So we have episode 13 to get into. Lucky number 13. Good amount of race stuff tonight.

That's going to be more fun, more continued fun for us. But before we get into any of it, Pat, public service announcements. Yes. And let me just say this. A lot of house cleaning. So I don't think the episode had a lot to talk about. So if you'll indulge me. Cleaning or keeping?

Are you calling again? Okay. Well, I don't know. I got a lot. I got to get out. You okay? Yes. All right.

So first piece of business. First order of business. I don't know if the audience knew this, but little old Patty in his free time likes to look at the Apple iTunes and reviews. I like to hear what people are saying about the show. Everybody knows that. Whenever I need to go to the trough to get my little serotonin boost, right? What?

I'll go there to hear people say I'm awesome. I know you can't handle the trough. I love it. You can't. But I understand as a podcaster at my level that everything that is said in those reviews is not always going to be flattering. And sometimes it will be quite insulting. Now, if anybody can take a critique more than Patty,

it's Patty. Okay? So I went to the Troth while I was out for lunch at Bob's Big Boy with my daughter Ellie and my wife. Gotta stop eating out so much. Sometimes I feel like it's a bit when you, it's trough. Trough.

Trough. It's not trough. No. Oh, good to know. That's why my pun is so, it's like, you can't handle the trough. Maybe this person who's reviewing about to read will have something to say

about that as well. Oh, and we promise to read good reviews in the future. We got to get back to that. Positivity, optimism, letting our fans know they love us, and we love them. But right now, we will take down one of our enemies. And if you do write positive ones, don't just like...

I've got a call to action after I... Okay, okay. Make them funny. Okay. So on Friday, I read this on a Saturday, so it was the day before. What are the what's? That's the name of the person that gave this review.

I like that name. Writes, most terrible podcast. One star. Not so much a fan of that. Here's the body of the review. These people are the absolute worst people I've ever heard on any podcast ever. podcast ever uses sexist racist homophobic and just generally offensive words slash phrases to describe people on the show they review beeps said words phrases and then declares it's a joke in hopes it'll pass off as comedy empathy apparently is a foreign concept to these men

yeah now i was wondering like what sex is this person? But since you had to... But it doesn't matter because we're all part of the same rainbow, right? Yeah, yeah. Okay. So this got me to thinking, right? I was like, so they left this on Friday. And I understand with us growing with tens of thousands of listeners that we're going to have new people come under the tent

that aren't prepared for the kind of stuff we're laying down. Right, right, right. So I was thinking about this review. So they left that review on Friday. Then I was like, hmm, what could I have said? Or, you know, did I contribute to any of this? Yeah. And as I'm going back, the last two episodes that we did last week,

which would have been the episodes that this moron left? Right, and we got to get into this show. Or insane person. And part of this is I'm going to challenge this person, but I'm also, if any family members of this person are listening of what are the what's, this person needs a welfare check. Yeah. Because they're insane. Oh, welfare, like a wellness check.

Not a social safety check. They don't need welfare. No, no. So hold on. Hell hath no fury. We've said it so many times. Hell hath no fury than someone who hates people bullying other people. You know what I mean?

Yeah. I didn't need to interrupt you for that so last week the two episodes that this because we were so nice and kind last week we dropped two episode the first episode was the recap of the show where i did the math and for about 75 of that episode all three of us basically called out eddie a white guy and a really old guy, Lee, for being losers, for not handling the N-word, and how wrong that was to put Raina in that position. I actually felt like we were pandering, but... We were not. That's how I feel about it. So I'm real on the show. The second episode was with Commander Tony and his lovely wife, Admiral Portia, where we went back and forth with them, had a great old

free episode. And at one point, and I said, and I quote to Tony, Lee was only talking to you because he aspires to be someone like you, like a real man, like you, end quote. So I know when you hear those things, you can just hear the racism oozing out of all my body. Yeah. If anybody can't take a critique like Patty, it's Patty. And has Pat mentioned that his wife is black? Yeah. The real kind of black. We did a 23andMe. I told Dr. Drew when he's in my kitchen, he says, where is your wife from?

And I said, the Congo. And he said in front of five people uncomfortably, oh, she probably, her family came over on slave ships. Thanks, Dr. Drew. Anyway. I was 1.1% Congolese myself. uncomfortably oh she probably her family came over on slave ships thanks dr drew anyway i was 1.1 kind of leave myself by the way my wife being black and if i was in fact a racist and saying boy it's real tough living in my house wow all right so here's what we're doing it's patty what are the what or wherever the fuck

your name is you asshole i put a challenge out there to you. My email is patrick at adamcarolla.com. Well, now everybody- I will let you come on this show. Yeah. And I will give you a platform and a forum. Right. But you have to send me the time code of the offensive things that we said on this show.

We will play them and then we will let the audience know why we were racist, homophobic, and sexist. Please, indulge us us and call to action. Fight back these losers. I've been a little slow on this lately and we will get to the show. I hope so. We need to hit 2000 iTunes ratings and reviews.

We're almost at 1300. If you want to fight idiots like what are the what's and show them that you don't know what the fuck they're talking about. Stop. Pause right now, go to Apple's reviews and leave us fucking five stars and fight this moron. Okay, one more piece of business

and I promise we'll get to the show. We got a time code when our review starts of this episode because this is long. I had to do some housekeeping. Yeah, that's right. Okay, Below Deck Yachting was announced this week.

It's going to be on February the 21st. It's some of our best work that we've ever done we enjoy it way more than fake captain lee and timeshare captain yeah the past seasons of it we haven't go ahead so they ran the trailer and you know we're actually a friend of someone that's on the show her name is gabby gabriel baragon so if you want to get to know a cast member before there's video evidence of it but i destroyed you destroyed it i'll have to break that to her because she was asking for it anyway uh if you want to hear a cast member before there was video evidence of it but i destroyed you destroyed it i'll have to break that to her because she was asking for it anyway uh if you want to hear a cast member on yachting head over to our patreon.com slash another podcast network where we did an hour and a half interview and there are easter eggs in that in that episode a plenty so you'll have fun doing

that so and by the way we will also be reviewing Love is Blind starting February. So that's, you might as well just get over there now and sign up for it. I want to see another thousand people sign up for Patreon.com. Yeah. So 700 reviews, a thousand people on Patreon. If you love the show, fight the what's not the what's and help us out, okay? I'm finished.

And also my birthday is coming up in exactly 10 months, 11 months. Yeah. December 26, 2022. Mine's in october come on gotta get in the show um all right so i have stuff i want to add but i won't yeah if you um wouldn't mind i'm gonna kick the nick first for thoughts and nots. Sure, sure, sure. I just feel like I've been quieter.

I think my button was depressed. There was a pad on it. Don't get into podcasting, everybody. These boards are too tricky. A lot of buttons, a lot of knobs. Just don't do it. I'm sorry. What were you saying?

Thoughts and nots me first. Thoughts and nots is the segment where we talk about the shot generals. Fuck that. I'm kicking to Pat. Still too loud. Okay. Okay. All right. This is what I have to say. These are my thoughts and nots me first? Thoughts and nots. This is the segment where we talk about the shot generals. Fuck that. I'm kicking to Pat. Still too loud. Okay. Okay. All right.

This is what I have to say. These are my thoughts and nots. Rachel. You know what? Can I go next? Yeah, go ahead. Okay, great. So I wanted 14 minutes of Patty.

I really don't have that many thoughts and nots. I was going to say, what's the knots, knots? Get ready because there's some more race stuff that we have to cover tonight. And also, I've said it before, I mean, the nastiness was really bubbling up a little bit too early in the season. We had premature nastiness, and it seems as though there's this fog that's kind of set into the whole crew, and there's just bad vibes going everywhere. It's just boomeranging around the boat nobody's more pissed off than lee that'll manifest in some super inappropriate

ass-eating conversations and quips four pots not good four pots nick uh let's take this season behind the barn and shoot it 72 knots pat what do you got uh rachel fucking up the preference sheet again uh ice cream showing up early hamilton are you kidding what an episode and how many pots zero so um last we left off reyna had told eddie in so many words um i don't trust you but we have like 48 hours left on this boat so please just leave me the fuck alone. And he is devastated. This is haunting him three weeks after while he's filming his OTFs. I'm kidding.

I don't want to keep shitting on Eddie, but he keeps doing just not a great job at handling this. He forces her into another conversation with him and says, Hey, Raina, I got an idea. I know how to fix this whole thing. You remember the girl who said the N-word in front of you? Yes. Let's have a sit down with her.

No fucking way, boss. Great. Let's move on. Right. But not yet. He ends the conversation by going, hey, by going, you know what? If you don't want to talk to Heather, that's fine. But I got to let you know, you're really bad at expressing yourself.

If you think about it, Raina, this whole thing is really your fault. Eddie, no malice, but you got to do better next time. Just make peace with the unknown, man. Move forward. Also, he ends it with, let's fuck this charter in the mouth.

Right, exactly. In the words of rachel maritime law uh so we must move on to more shenanigans but before we do let's take a quick break to talk about our favorite sponsor you know what it is baby you know what it is baby doll it's magic mind pat take it away well uh i love magic mind uh i didn't take mine today. I was shaving myself, and I fucking cut my tit off. I legitimately was so unfocused that I lost my tit. You lost a gland. That's crazy.

Can we see under the band-aid? I don't want to see it. You don't want to see it? I don't want to see it. Hopefully it grows back. If I would have had my magic mind, that would have happened. If you would have had your magic mind, it's the anti-procrastination drink. It doesn't just block your brain receptors that express fatigue and stuff.

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lee 25 off pat heal up baby thanks pal uh so we must move on to more shenanigans. But first, we have to get to the last one of the season. It's bittersweet, but it is time for the preference sheet meeting. Let's do it. that was me doing it sad yeah that was me doing it sad wow still beautiful i hate my singing voice primary jennifer yo that's y-e-o for those keeping track, from Draper, Utah. She's a real estate entrepreneur who has grown her firm to one of the most successful in Utah. She's ready to celebrate her booming business by enjoying the charter of a lifetime for herself and her friend. Jennifer will be accompanied by her husband, Darren, who wasn't mentioned until paragraph two, which I think tells you who wears the pants in this family.

That's telling. Who has worked in high-end hotel business for years and considers himself a stickler for five-star service. Also joining are Jennifer's friends Darby, a farm owner by day who dines at extravagant Michelin star restaurants by night. Danny. That's heaven right there.

Sorry to interrupt, but she's the produce broker. They know her very, very well. She's the looker. Alice Waters treats her peach suppliers very, very well. You know what I mean? We talked about the power Yelp reviewers have when they go into a business. Imagine if you're the one giving them their- The farmers.

Peaches, was it? Peaches. I mean, have you ever seen eggplants like this? No, this is unbelievable. We can charge $75 for this. Thank you so much. Eat here whenever you want for free. Go ahead.

Also joining Danny, a digital marketing CEO, and married couple Stephanie, a home and floral designer, and Dan, an avid outdoorsman and motorsports fanatic. This fun but particular group wants the chef to wow them with mouthwatering meals that include preparations of wagyu steak and ahi tuna oh wow and from the interior they expect their glasses continuously filled with high-end champagne and vodka and their cabins stop with stocked with diet cokes at all time uh no cooked fish of any kind yeah uh i don't want to get into cooked fish gate uh this early but i was gonna ask you what you called it uh i only do that for the idiots that listen to our

show it was really called lobster night one they want a white party. How basic. And they ask for the chef to curate a meal featuring dishes from an assortment of their favorite cuisines, which of course means whoever wrote the preference sheet evidently found a thesaurus because that's a bunch of flowery mumbo jumbo. Mumbo jumbo. Day two, they want a jungle beach party, glitz and glam formal dinner party that really made Rachel furrow her brow. She was pretty upset about that. And yeah, they're ready to fuck this charter in the mouth.

Nope, that was actually after the Preference Sheet meeting. That concludes Preference Sheet meeting. Bum, bum, bum, ba-da-da, bum, bum, bum, bum. So these people are trash, right? I mean, you can smell that from a mile away. Rachel served them tacos. They loved it. Loved it?

Yeah, no. I mean, you can't say that you're particular and ready for extravagant meals like uh ahi get that at the gelson's deli okay one time when i worked at sports sports authority uh it was like 23 years old i i was trying to bang this girl i work with she was like the only attractive girl in the whole place you're supposed to make love to her uh oh you meant just well i have whatnot knots in my head right now uh but uh i took her to like it's like a similar not like an islands but it had like almost like a it was a polynesian thing a polynesian but chain right appropriating and fast casual environments yeah and like i was trying to be classy and i got the seared ahi tuna not

knowing what it was i enjoyed it but sure yeah yeah and she must have been blown away because okay so uh moving on take that what's not what's she's married now congratulations congratulations to you so we must move on to i already said that so eddie turns on his overcompensating kind of hulk hogan persona it's a macho randy savage macho man randy savage oh my sister uh whom her and i never text really uh texted me this morning. She's like, you got to have Eddie on. He did a Macho Man impression because I was Macho Man when I was like four for Halloween. There's more anecdotes from Nick's life real quick. I never got into the WWE.

I thought it was Hulk Hogan, but I do love Randy Macho Man. It was funny how vascular and on drugs he was all the time. Oh, yeah. I almost brought in a clip, but I was like, let's move this along. I want to shoot this season in the head. But, yeah, he was coked up and crazy. That's so funny because I brought a clip that has nothing to do with Below Deck tonight, and I was wondering if you guys would humor me.

I will because I feel like we're going to fly through this. Okay, great. So the Randy Macho Man Savage carries down Below Deck to Rachel's Galley, and it gives us a truly incredible below deck moment. Just for one sec, let's take a listen to this. Rachel. Yes? You ready to f***ing turn in the mouth?

I better take this f***ing charter by the whores and face f***ing. Woo! I mean, my God. And real quick, going back to Macho Man Randy Savage, I feel like it's a real black mark, a real pox on the WWF for depicting him as an abusive husband to his Queen Elizabeth. Well, he was. Yeah, but they didn't have to depict him as such.

Right. You mean tell the truth? Yeah. Oh, yeah. So funny, America, in the past i was watching a clip today of uh hunter s thompson getting roasted by a hell's angel for uh piping up when he was beating his wife and the entire audience was really getting on hunter s thompson's case because he stepped in when he was doing that god what a filthy country it used to be huh

great book though great book uh so anything before the guests get there no all right jennifer does God, what a filthy country it used to be, huh? Great book, though. Great book. Tells angels. So anything before the guests get there? No. All right. Jennifer does not want to get her feet dirty, despite her wearing shoes. I really have nothing until the provision wagon falls off the dock. Let's jump there, then. All right.

So as Fraser is telling the guests that they can refer to him by any gender, the provision wagon falls off the dock. as Fraser is telling the guests that they can refer to him by any gender, uh, the provision wag falls off the dock. Now, Eddie is fucking up in more ways than one. Okay. So not only is this clown car deck crew letting get another thing fall into water,

but he's driving the boat today. And before they get in route to Nevis, he leaves the wheelhouse with everything on to go fish trash out of the Caribbean. It's a big fucking no-no. Lee is not happy. Big fucking no-no. Rule number one.

Rule number one, Eddie. What would you have said to Captain Lee? What would I have said? Yeah, if you were Eddie. Well, Eddie said, Hey, bro, what would you do, dude? And he's like, I'd turn the fucking boat off.

I mean, Lee's right here. You know I can't stand him. Sure. But he's making complete sense here. That's very big of you. Thank you. I'm trying to grow as a person. Very, very big of you.

I think it just gives credence to all the gripes you do have about Captain Lee that you can be honest and give him props. It's not a one-way street, Nick. No, no, no. Well, kind of. He definitely doesn't talk to you. No, he doesn't like me. All right, so Rachel is going to tap, tap, tap us this lunch in the fucking face. Anything before we get there?

Let's face fucking, please, from the crew. Okay, so lunch. We've got lunch, and we've also got a discussion surrounding water. Now, do you remember this? I'm pretty sure all discussions on Below Deck are surrounded by water. That's a very, very good point. That's a very, very good point. But this is rather about the quality of the water being served on the table.

The revulsion that one of the primaries has to quote unquote local water got me thinking of one of my favorite scenes from what I'll call the new era of curb you know after the long break it's one of the funniest scenes I've seen do you guys humor me sure please yeah yeah I love Larry David clips when you bring them in actually actually. And they are often apt. What is this, tap? Yes, it is. No filter? No filter, tap water.

Huh, interesting. Surprised you don't have a filter. You have no filter. It's quite obvious. That's true. That's a good thing. You just say whatever comes into your mind. Yeah. You don't really modulate your feelings at all.

Yeah, it's a good thing for me, but it's a your feelings at all. It's a good thing for me, but it's a bad thing for water. It's a bad thing for water. Isn't that clip so funny, guys? That is funny. I mean, you know everybody listening, but that was a dilly. I enjoyed it. Hey, let me do a meanwhile.

Knowing that Curb is improv, I mean, props to her. She had the funniest line. You have no filter. She's so fantastic. She probably threw him for a loop. He's like, I didn't see you going there. Great in weeds, too. Yeah, phenomenal in weeds.

Meanwhile, when the guests sit down at the table for this lunch, Frazier, what he thinks of them is that they're just basic. And I was like, do you prefer a more upper crust group there where one of them insists on having her surf and turf blended? Oh, yeah. Because that seems like a real pain in the ass. Right, right, right. I'd really prefer basic over that tinsel teeth.

Me too, me too. Unless it's overconfident basic. I tried to follow tinsel teeth. She wouldn't even let me follow her on Instagram. Can you believe that? Well, I mean, you said horrible things. I did? I mean, we all did.

And how many followers does she have? I don't remember. Because I'm sure it's a low number, and she's keeping a lot of the people out because when you act horribly on national television, there's people with too much time on their hands, such as Pat, who will attack you. It's Patty. It's actually a very wise move by Tinsel Teeth.

Okay, I tell the audience today, I can't stand Patton Oswalt. And he tweeted out. Don't say this. Don't say this. Because it's just. It's mean? It's a little bit too dark inside of you. And we're making enough money.

He could probably come sue me. Just know that this story would have culminated in Pat showing restraint. Okay. This story would have culminated in Pat showing restraint. Okay. Guys, before we move on, we have to talk about an incredible company. They are back on the show, and they are Manscaped. Pat?

Yeah, Dale. Your chest is, it looks like a pirate. Let me tell you what happened. So you guys, when we do our advertisements out here, I'm showing the product of Manscaped. this is my actual package that got sent to me uh this is normally what i would shave my body with right and i left it out here so we could do some promo or whatever yeah anyway i didn't have this so i had to resort to just using uh another competitor shaving thing yeah I cut my left hip off. Yeah, it's not good.

I mean, when you don't use Manscaped, not only will you be just unsightly hairy and just ungroomed, untrimmed. God forbid anybody sees you naked. That wasn't the UFC beard, beard, beard. Beard, beard, beard. No. What were you saying, Dylan?

Definitely not. If you don't use Manscaped, you'll literally chop your tits off. If I had this baby? See that gentle hum of the lawnmower? The very, very gentle hum. It is waterproof. And Manscaped doesn't just have things that will trim your body hair.

Manscaped has incredible products like body washes that smell like like the beautiful beautiful evergreen forests of the united states and not in a chemically way in a genuine way like how did they bottle this scent up like this what kind of fucking sorcery is this and if you're some fucking idiot that wears cologne when you go out and like everybody knows exactly who it is when you walk in the room stop doing that it's off-putting it's not the scent that you you carry around and becomes identified with you is not to not to bring people in it's to keep them close yes exactly now guys yes yes yes inside uh you we want you to get the performance package 4.0 okay you'll find the signature lawn mower uh you'll you'll just get a ton of stuff you'll do that it all has an advanced skin safe technology 4000k led spotlight that will shine a light to the to the promised land in 2022 guys go

to manscape.com enter in promo code below deck for your exclusive offer of 20% off and free shipping. Cheers to new balls in 2022. Go to Manscaped.com. Enter in promo code below deck for 20% off. I got a better hashtag. And free shipping. Hashtag keep both your tits. Hashtag it.

Put it on a t-shirt. Let's get back to the show. So lunch is going to be orzo it's going to be lamb it's a lovely lunch for the culinary literate who do not like cooked fish these people are trash so let's get to a segment we usually do on pmz uh you can get it at patreon.com slash another podcast network actually but um we'll give you a little free taste here. It's called Hey, I Didn't Know That. Wow.

I didn't know that. Alexander Hamilton was born on Nevis Island in the Caribbean. Hey, I didn't know that. You didn't know that? No, I didn't know that. Did you know that George Washington actually moved down to the Bahamas before he became president? No, I didn't know that. Wow.

I didn't know that. I didn't know that. Wow, I didn't know that. I didn't know that. That's pretty incredible. Yeah, I got this thing called Blinkist, and they do these little quick bites of history. Oh, I love that. I mean, that's how he kills it at cocktail parties. Right, and I'm pretty good at Jeopardy.

I'm pretty good at Jeopardy as well. I'm pretty good at Jeopardy, but I mean, there are certain categories where you're like, no. No, I don't know King Lear that intimately. That's one of those categories that often elicits that reaction to people is like the religion category or Shakespeare. And that's when I walk in for 18, 13. That indoctrination is for.

Goddamn right. So I know a lot about religion, but I feel guilty after I come. So it's it's kind of a give and take. God, thanks for sharing, Nicky. Yeah. Okay. Can I get a meanwhile? Meanwhile.

Raina brings the jet ski up. The new stew, wearing a pearl necklace, says, choke me harder. Little on the nose there. Incredibly turned on by that. And then minutes later, was ashamed and then we get to the guests wanting champagne now the charter guests who are paying sixty thousand dollars a day despite being utah trash you're really really looking to have somebody what's the word serve them now captain lee is furious and he's hungry for fucking ass

he sees that no one is serving these uh these flip-flop wearing fools and he comes down and says i should never see all of you at this table all at once he's very very upset he says wes come to the wheelhouse i'm fucking starving well then he also has the audacity to stare at the camera and says how much are these fucking people paying great question old bastard yeah yeah sixty thousand dollars a day and you're running the boat you're running the boat right okay I I love when fucking people come at us about that sixty thousand dollars a day everybody calm down oh Oh, yeah. And then you mentioned Lee wants their heads eat their ass.

He wants to eat ass. Yeah. He wants to make their anal cavity a buffet. Okay. He's a sick bastard. You can move on. Yeah. My name isn't good.

All right. So they're going. The charter guests are, I don't want to call them trash anymore, so they're going, the charter guests are, I don't want to call them trash anymore, but they're going with a white party, of course, one of the multiple choice party themes. Yeah, I guess you just circle one on the preference sheet. What lame party do you want to throw?

Is it 80s disco? We've got 80s, we've got tiki, we've got a white party, and then the fourth option is be creative, come up with something personal. Or just hang out with the people you like. Don't need a theme. Are you kidding? That was.

Are you fucking kidding me? He was in the middle of a point. I can't cut it. Shame on you. I'm sorry. It's Patty tonight, huh? Point points. Oh, my God.

Points giving me a lot of credit. I don't even know. All right. So the dinner gets a little bit more trashy when we get to what we've got in store for appetizers. She's got hummus, chips and salsa to start. Those are not wealthy people appetizers. That's fucking poker night for producers in Studio City. It's really trashy.

Associate producers. Yeah, the producers in Studio City are probably pretty fucking wealthy, actually. So Rachel sees that the Cracker Bowl hath not been filled, and Rachel gets hot. Raina is observing all of this in a kind of... Schadenfreude. Well, is sycophantic a word? Um, Raina is observing all of this in a kind of, um, yeah. Schottenfreude. Well, sycophantic a word.

Oh, so she's both a fangirl, but she's also enjoying Heather. Fuck. Yes, she is. Uh, in a lovely moment, she says she's the donkey to Rachel Shrek, kind of insulting to Rachel, but, uh, cute. Nonetheless, I ship them. She was acting like the gimp. Yeah, she was a little bit. So we get a break and we spend some time on Jake chafing his balls.

What is this? Like, I mean, wall to wall could not be filled tonight with good stuff. I mean, it just couldn't. That's why you gave it zero points. I did, right? Yeah. I don't even know what gold bond is. It's talcum with a little bit.

But it stings? So, moving on. The meal turned out to be a little bit more cohesive than chips, salsa, and hummus would suggest. It's going to be another really unique theme around the world. You don't think of that when you type it? What? Really unique and you're like, I shouldn't say that. I didn't even, it's not even on here. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. So, first up will be a journey to

Thailand. Chilled coconut curry, beautiful color, powerful but light flavors. It's a perfect way to start a meal. And a couple of ladyboys. What? Isn't that what most people journey to Thailand for? Okay, so next up we've got chicken tacos, chocolate adobo. Not quite all the way mole, but still beautiful.

Very brave frying those shells, too. You know, there's a lot of room for error there. Rachel is nothing if not brave. So she does do that. And these pieces of trash, hoover them up. All right. I'm being gross tonight. So anyways, we get a break. Oh, that's when I was.

I see. I missed a whole page of notes. Anyways, third course is lobster ravioli, the chuggiest of chuggie dishes. the chuggiest of chuggie dishes it is kind of the next step up in basic bitch um nice dinners at the very very bottom of the totem pole of course we've got surf and turf and then right above that we've got something with truffle oil and then right above that we've got lobster ravioli. But we do hit our first hiccup here. The primary does not do cooked fish. It's a texture thing. Yes, Nick.

Lobster is not a fish. That's a shellfish. It ends with fish. It ends with fish. It's crustacean, though. But it does not. I see where you're going. I know Heather is in no position to be catty with another guest.

We were talking about the preference sheet meeting, but I feel like this one would be a legitimate gripe. Shellfish, I get. No, I'm with you because the texture of shellfish is very, very different from something with a spine and scales. But there's a rainbow of textures with with that too anyways it's it's her preference sheet she's spending the money heather just say sorry and walk back downstairs don't say oh what what about shellfish oh boy she likes to talk back she's consistent

and i was hoping chef racial would be consistent and come uh up to the you know to the dinner table apologize and say uh she didn't uh want any uh moody cunts i am not one to to like seek out perceived racist slights or microaggressions but if you put rachel's interaction with the guests back to back rachel we'd love to have you on But how come these guests Were hangry Or cranky We don't want anybody being an angry bitch up here Okay right It's shellfish okay

So We discussed the origins of the White party with Fraser They mentioned that it has something to do With wet t-shirt contests It has nothing to do with wet t-shirt contests. It has nothing to do with wet t-shirt contests and everything to do with AIDS, as we've talked about. Very confusing that this party is as ubiquitous as it is. I talk about a catty bitch, Fraser, just being like, oh, he's basically you on board.

He's like, aren't you guys trash? And this is some Girls Gone Wild type shit you're pulling? You guys would hit it off. Let's have you on board. He's like, aren't you guys trash? And this is some Girls Gone Wild type shit you're pulling? Yeah. You guys would hit him up. Let's have him on. I'm so excited. Nicky, can you hit him up? We already have.

And he said he can't till PR. We got a PR wall to get through. He told me that he wanted to come on and set us boys straight. Oh, okay. It looks like we went around the world in three courses and no dessert. Not a strong showing for Rach, 65 pots. She's limping to the finish line. She's got a torn hamstring.

But the good news for her is that she lapped Spaz in the Russian spy like 20 miles back. So she's still the queen. By the way, Spaz, if you were that piece of shit that left that review, I got your fucking number spaz he likes us another guy fucking talked to you every once in a while yeah he tells me about his crossings and stuff she's a fan i don't think it was him yeah no what's what's the name what's what are the what what are the what's what's what are the what's what's and yeah spaz keep sending

uh nick dms at three o'clock in the morning. We welcome them. So we get some more Call Me By Your Name stuff with Jake and Fraser. Fraser, Fraser, Fraser. You are under a spell, my friend. Talking about a future with this man. You're a hole. We've said it so many times. You're a hole. You're going to get your heart broken.

My God. Speaking of more holes, Jake calls his fiancee, Paris. They're so in love. Who has tons of diseases, evidently. Really stressful to the ending of the conversation for Paris. She says, don't cheat on me anymore, okay? In a pretty cool tone, actually. His reply is, we'll see.

Moments before his phone shits out and goes black. So, God, he is such a manipulative fucking sex demon. I can't. I'm telling you, when he's old and wrinkly and a little chubby, it's going to be a real tough life for him. I hope he's able to adjust. I think he'll do great. He'll have a serious drinking problem,

and he'll slip into the next realm at 72. There you go. I'm going to down the TFC and say his phone was on like 79% there. Oh, damn it. It died. Sorry. I'm going to go try to knock on Raina's door. That is a great way to hang up on somebody if you need to. Put your phone on airplane mode. If you're in the middle of the conversation, you need to hang up on somebody.

Slap that thing into airplane mode. It'll just really... Just kills the call? Kills the call when they call you back. Leave it on airplane mode for like three or four minutes. When they call you back, it'll be dead. But it's not really dead. It's a little quick shortcut. Good call. I'm gonna use that. That's a great tip. That's a great tip.

Alright, so again, there's not a lot of stuff in this episode. Next morning! The morning does not start off well. There's a fly doing a backstroke and something that Lee is trying to drink or eat. Well, hey, Lee, maybe you want to spray something up there, huh? You know? It's like a goddamn landfill in your wheelhouse. It smells like your bowel movements and all the ass you eat.

That phone must be disgusting. This fruit ninja and shit all over it. So Heather tries to say good morning to Raina, and it doesn't really go very, very well. And Heather is still rattled from the night before when Raina said to Rachel, I would do anything for you. And she repeats it over and over and over again, kind of like Jack and the Shining.

It's kind of like, you know, biting at her psyche a little bit. Not good. Did you change your diary? I mean, it was away from the mic, but it was still so deep. Back on a soup kick. Well, Pat, we talked about the sodium last week. I'm eating reduced sodium. Got it.

All right. Wow. Thank you, Samantha John. So, Fraser chats with his buddy, Camille. See you at Ambition.

Fraser is going to be a chief stew, and I hope he does become one. I know that he will. He's good at what he does. He has a passion for it. And I just hope that he becomes one on this franchise because I think Fraser would be so fun for television if he was in the pole position below deck.

It's like getting another chance at Josiah being Chief Stew. But he found himself a nice sugar daddy in Michael and left this franchise. Love Michael. He was going to come on the boat last season. COVID stopped him. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. We got that little He got robbed. The dude got robbed. God, that night all five of us had

that was something magical. I thought we could have had sex with each other. Really beautiful night. But I wouldn't have sex with Michael. Right. I forgot about that we move on can we check out homophobia classic episodes i don't know if that's still in the archive but um yeah scroll down as far as you can it's like nine minute episode i'm just crying and screaming i actually got frustrated i gotta check with libsyn actually someone told us our 2018 and 2019 episodes have now disappeared yeah libsyn archive yeah you do a great job distributing podcast

fucking assholes sorry and that concludes inside podcast industry with dill and and it's pat so um guys let's take a quick break to talk about mental health. Pat, take it away. Pat is so mentally unwell because he shaved his tit off. Yeah. Now, when traumatic things like that happen to you, you need someone to talk. You need somebody to talk to. And the guy in the cubicle next to you is not the right person because you're bothering them and also they're not providing for you the care that you need you chopped your tits off that's a very very traumatic thing to go very right and when you lift up your shirt in the workplace that's grounds for

sexual harassment grounds for termination so what we want you to do is seek a mental health professional we don't want you to go outside hit the streets go through you know uh oh here's my insurance for this week all that yada yada maybe you're tony soprano you get whacked if somebody sees you go in there it's not good and thank you for a very subtle correction because when you lift your shirt up in a cubicle that is not grounds for sexual harassment that is ground that is sexual harassment it's grounds for termination that take it away i'm still really clearly he needs help and if you do you can go to betterhelp.com guys this is a paid sponsor that gives us money to talk about that give us money to talk about the product this is a paid sponsor.

That gives us money to talk about their product. That gives us money to talk about their product. And we really mean it. You know, if there's something preventing you from achieving your goals, if you've chopped your fucking tit off, check out betterhelp.com slash below deck. Our sponsor, BetterHelp, can be reached at betterhelp.com slash BelowDeck.

And what will you get? What will you get, you ask? I'll tell you exactly what you get, okay? You get help with depression, stress, anxiety, relationships, and you'll get 10% off your first month. You get BetterHelp.com to betterhelp.com. Betterhelp.com slash below deck. Let's get back to the show.

We made good. Brunch is going to be a dish oft mispronounced. Should I say the incorrect pronunciation or the correct pronunciation? Say both and then let me guess which one's right. Shakshuka.

Shushaka. I'll say it again. Shakshuka. Shushaka. Shakshuka. Is correct. Nice. Tomatoes, peppers, eggs.

Shakshuka. It's not shushaka. It's not an omelet with peppers? I call it Nick's breakfast. No, it's more of a hearty morning stew with poached eggs. As I said, peppers, tomatoes, shakshuka. We should try some sometime. You go out to brunch often.

Big Bob's Big Boy. You are too, but when go out to brunch often. Big Bob's big boy. You are too. But when you go to brunch, you refuse to get anything other than Benny, but not anymore. And Bob's big boy does not have shakshuka. I would, I'll ask next time.

You don't need to. Although do. It reminds me of a NBA jam. Boom. Shakashusha. Do you have any, uh, shakshuka? No, we have eggs and bacon.

All right, so Heather is bummed. So she is going to be pulling out all the stops. Because the guests are so in love with Lin-Manuel and his art, she has an idea that will almost guarantee $30,000 in tip money, the biggest in show history. That idea is dressing Eddie up as Alexander Hamilton slash an old pirate. Now, in a usual suspect type twist, and I mean it this time, he's game because he was a huge musical theater kid.

Such a wild turn of events. Wow. I did really respect just his comedic sensibilities here. He's like, here's how we're going to make this work. And he had an entire plan. He had a script written out right off the top of his head. He really helped out Heather here. He loves the spotlight.

Now, do you see what was the actual, what brought this about in Heather's head? Well, she was very frustrated with the Reina situation, with Frasier, and turns on a dime and says, I know what, I'm going to take this chart to the next fucking level yeah yeah she's ready to fucking bring this right and that's how we got hamilton and i think you know they always say oh there's no producer intervention but commander tony and

his lovely admiral portia said that the whole proposal thing was some cooked bullshit by a producer that Heather really poorly acted when she presented it to them. This is also, she's being used as a puppet to bring this Hamilton. I mean, what do they got some cross-promotion bullshit coming on Bravo next month? So anyone who ever wants to tell us that the sky is purple once again, sometimes it is, especially in the Met, beautiful sunset. sky is purple once again sometimes it is especially in the med beautiful sunset sure um we see that there is a ton of marionetting going on on this show so please do not say oh no everything is real everything's real that you see it's just shut the fuck up it's not the bachelor but it's

definitely not real what a lovely show though so uh moving on the beach picnic is getting set up the guests are drinking and reina says that she's going to miss jake she's saying this as he is waving a twig that he has shoved into his belt line and it's pretending to uh wave a giant cock around at her i'm gonna miss him too yeah and reina he's not gonna miss you you're whole so Lee heads down to the galley and is a little upset Heather get this fucking costume shit out of my area

it's my space this is where I eat my Cheerios he really went off on her though I thought it was kind of I couldn't tell if he was just putting it on a little bit he didn't he didn't do a good job

if he was like he didn't strike the balance between i'm really upset about this but it's not that big of a deal but he went with this bit where he was like over aggressive just didn't he is old though and when you're losing your marbles like he is uh you know in the early stages you know what yes you revert back to being a three-year-old it's like these are my stuffies god forbid my grandmother when we put her in the home you know what? You revert back to being a three-year-old. It's like, these are my stuffies. God forbid. My grandmother, when we put her in the home,

she was losing her marbles. First thing, when I went to visit her, she said, who's this hot guy? And she didn't know who I was. She actually thought I was hot. So I was slightly flattered and horrified. And then my mom called me and she said, I got to go down to talk to Grammy.

And I said, well, what's going on? Well, she's stealing all her roommates' dolls and putting them in her drawer and hiding them. Yeah. Sad. The end is sad. I've had relatives who suffer from you know what? We're talking about dementia. Yeah.

Alzheimer's. But they always assume or accuse others of stealing from them turns out pat's grandma right right right saw a very funny tiktok and i'm not on the chinese malware app but uh also big day going to war right um but uh my darling wife cecilia showed me one the other day of a of a grandma and the her son was very upset at her and he's like we said that we're not going to do this anymore and she's like what are you talking about and he opens up her purse and she stole one of the things that the fries came in from the restaurant. Crazy old bat.

Big day. We're going to work. Cause we sent troops to Ukraine. Well, NATO's just ramping up. Both of you. No politics. Spain,

sending people to the Baltic Denmark ramp ramping up. I mean, it could be a stress test to see how the rest of Europe would react to something like this. But you know, if they move into Taiwan in concert concert i mean let's fucking go i mean it's time to go and i'm i'm i'm not uh let's just get back because we're almost done with the episode yeah i'm not a big war guy yeah i didn't want to sound like such a huge patriot you sounded like dan carlin doing world war four yeah three one-eyed puppet or what's his name one cowboy uh cowboy pirate

sorry um all right so fuck heather is very very upset by this whole thing but lucky for her she has a sister who lives in the back of the spotlight who is there to console her and braid her hair man heather has some type of fucking stock home syndrome kind of gift man she's she she has this talent that just she just whips people into shape but i have to say it's wearing off on fraser who directly disobeys her order which comes over the walkie. He does not care. He says it's not cute. Leave me alone. So, Heather is not happy because it's kind of the last impression on Lee,

and unfortunately for her, she needs this insane man's recommendation. So, she's a little pissed. So, the jungle theme is about to hit the beach, and Rachel is not going to mess up up today's meal will be brought to you by fuck ton a lot what is it fuck ton a la carte everyone has a fucking option rachel needs a vacation she's losing her mind uh the guests head over to the jungle paradise that consists of rum punch in a carton and cornhole with easy ups in the middle of the course just to make sure you can't arc it

too high um well you forgot those poster board decorations too yeah and the that's first day you show up to a kindergarten classroom sure not sixty thousand dollars a day right um so the meal will be conch in a coconut uh steak they were wowed by that. Wow. Steak cooked, I would say, perfect. And then we get ready for dessert, which will be brought by none other than Alexander Hamilton. Eddie arrives in the kind of costume that requires the wearer to yell what he or she is. I'm an acrobat, you know.

I was looking, I couldn't come up with an example Of like a punny Halloween costume That needed clarification to everyone who encounters it And so I was looking at a couple lists And I found my favorite punny costume ever It was this kid in glasses He's wearing a t-shirt that said ghost ceiling He was a ceiling fan

So funny So the ice cream gets there too early And we're all on the edge of our fucking seats uh we'll be back next week for the finale no they didn't say it was the finale finale are you sure what a truncated and weird season i think you might be wrong so we're gonna have the finale next week and then two weeks of uh uh i don't know if there's a week off but next week's definitely the finale and the week after it is the reunion. I assume they'll try and squeeze an episode of

the Raina-Heather thing. They'll probably get a whole episode out of that. I'm knocking on wood that we'll hopefully have Captain Glenn's outrageous moments in that middle week. God knows he's got enough!

Bravo, this was episode 13 i want to tell the producers because i know they listen think about the cliffhanger that unfolded here and if i'm looking at my uh when you record something and then you read the description of the episode and it says chef rachel is very upset when the ice cream shows up early right and i'm supposed to want to watch that rub your hands in excitement so also listen to this note please producers put it in the fucking contract i know these sea rats need to acquire work they're all over the world um in various um you know bird shit stained ports but we need to have it in the contract that everyone needs to be available

for in-person reunions yeah don't stop throwing these zoom calls and broadcasting them and selling advertisement against it it's not fair to the audience they always suck just stop get people in a room they can fly back from antigua just fucking pay for the flight it's seven hundred dollars that's it i don't think the the problem is with the availability of the sea rat it is though because they're doing in person for for real housewives because that's andy's baby i've talked about this before he doesn't give a shit about fucking below death. Oh, you're not saying that it's because of COVID. You're saying that he doesn't give a fuck.

He doesn't give a fuck, but I'm telling you, all these sea rats, they would jump at the opportunity, give him a coach ticket, back to the States. Andy, put him in the back of the plane and get him to Los Angeles.

We want to see him in person. We'll be back next week jump the itunes ratings and reviews need 700 need to combat the what's nots the what's nots okay join us on patreon love is blind is coming in a few short weeks and we'll see you soon for sailing not sure where that's gonna land but we'll let you know and And also keep a lookout for Below Deck Down Under, which I told you guys, and this is all based off viral. Someone had a screen, a picture, and this is a super short episode, so we can extend it just a couple more minutes. No, this is PSAs, fiend PSAs.

Someone from overseas took a picture of a bus bench that had an ad for below deck down under starting on hayu on january 28th so unless that they're gonna slow roll it out it'll be on hayu overseas first i think below deck down what the fuck are what are these words you're saying It's a new streaming service Yeah it's a streaming service from overseas Hiyu Hiyu H-A-Y-U Hiyu Okay

But so I had told my cohorts That that was coming up on January 28th But we're fast approaching And I'm getting more and more skeptical Unless Peacock drops it on us like lemonade Right Which God I hope so.

Beyonce, drop another album. Kendrick, drop another album. Let's get going, huh? The war is almost here. We'll see you guys next week. I'm Dylan saying goodbye. Nick, say goodbye. Goodbye.

Pat, say goodbye. Goodbye. Thank you.