Another Below Deck Podcast - Weapons of Mass Destruction | The Valley S2 E1

Episode Date: April 17, 2025

Ruby, Dylan and Pat are back to break down custody, terrariums, white parties, banana bread, sadness and more from Bravo's The Valley. Patreon - Patreon.com/AnotherPodcastNetworkYouTube - https://www.youtube.com/@anotherbelowdeckpodcastKOALA - U.S.KOALA.com/BadTV 

Strong females. Well, no, no, no, no. Do we we don't meet her yet? No. Okay. Um, what is his wife's name? Michelle Michelle She found someone too. Well, yeah. Yeah after their breakup Hi, hello and welcome to Bad TV. We set sail on land in the San Fernando Valley. We are here to break down season two of Bravo's redheaded stepchild to Vanderpump rules who may be ruling the roost now. I mean we really don't know what Vanderpump rules is but we're here to talk about the valley. I am Dylan that is Pat. Great to be here. And Ruby is joining us from Parts Unknown. How are you? I'm doing well

Dill. Hi Pat. Hey good to see you Ruby. Does she sound okay?? Sounds great. I think she might be a little hot. She might want to turn down her mic a little bit. I could be wrong. She can't do that. Oh, she can't. Yeah. Ruby Ruby, say your favorite foods real quick, just so that we can get a level. Um, burritos, nachos, which are very difficult to find good nachos. Yeah, Pat, we've talked about this. It's the delivery system of them that's very, very important and it's very rarely done well. I love a pizza. A Caprese salad is one of my favorite salads as well. Am I still hot or can I stop now? You're perfect now. I think you're good now, but do you have any more that you'd like to rattle off? I've never had a pizza

delivered upside down, but I've certainly been delivered nachos upside down. Well, you just got to open the package correctly. Well, no, I think it's bounced around that person's car. Oh, yeah. Well, I actually am going to get my pregnant wife the new pickle menu from Popeyes after this recording. She's very excited about it. Can you share more? What does that entail, please? The pickle menu at Popeyes is a revolution and an innovation in flavor. They are dusting their chicken in pickle seasoning. They're putting pickle in the last aid and it's supposed to be fire. Oh, yeah.

So more on that at five, but we're here to talk about the Valley, a collection of some of the most broken people on reality television. I mean, really? Yeah. I mean, if Danny- Danny's a drunk. He is a sad drunk

How is he supposed to pay for four fucking kids? What does he do? I have to tell you I'd last About two minutes in a small talk conversation with him before I'd have to explore I think I think one of the things that's going on here is you're in love with me And I think that you're very vengeful towards him. No, no, no, no, no. I know exactly why they're together. But, uh. Why are they together?

I think she wanted a filthy, yucky. She wanted the most boring, like, just provider guy, like a golden retriever of a human being. OK. And she got that in him. But she didn't realize she signed up for a guy with an alcohol problem. Okay. He's definitely a drunk. Well, but also he's poor so he can't provide. So that was just a really bad call all around. She got like a shelter mutt that bites people, you know?

Okay. So if you're new to the show, welcome. And yeah, this is kind of what it is. It's a little much. I don't want to be like the other podcasts that recap Bravo shows. I want to do our thing. I'm thinking about making Ruby just talk. Well, here's the issue. Rubes, your notes are on your phone, right? This is Zoolander.

Your notes are on the phone. Yeah, but I can, I'm reading them. There you go. Yeah, but if you were to,, nevermind, this is gonna be fine. If you hate the audio, get in the comments. Let us I think the audio is fine. Okay, I've heard a lot of podcasts that do zoom calls. Okay, so um, what? Well, before we get into it, five stars kind words, unless you're new, and you're reviewing

us based on the last minute and a half to two minutes, give us a little bit more time before you leave a we grow on you big time, baby, so Announcements we're covering summer house patreon.com slash another podcast network. We are covering Other stuff there a PS PMC stuff like that Go there if you'd like to support us. patreon.com slash another podcast network donate a little or a little more. Five stars kind words. Let's get into it. How what I just want to remind you we have an ad. Oh, okay. Yeah. ad free episodes there. Yeah, all the

good stuff. So what the fuck are you? Yeah is our rating system for this show? Oh, Ruby would know. Ruby, what's our rating system? Oh God, was it degrees? No. It's degrees. No, I don't think it's degrees. Yes, it was. I think it was, though.

Mm-hmm. It was degrees. Yeah. I'm the one that came up with shoulder taps for traders, which is one of our best rating systems. Actually, I didn't come up with it. I stole it from a Facebook group suggestion. But wow, we really went around the horn there, didn't we? But we were on it.

Okay, hang on a second. So we're talking about what the rating system is for this show. You brought up that you came up with the rating system for a completely different show then said that you actually stole it from someone and it wasn't yours. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah that's what happened. I'm drinking again. I think that we could. It's Danny. I think that we can improve it, right? I think that we can. I don't know.

Get in the comments. Let us know. What should the rating system be? I like degrees for now, because it's really hot in the valley. Split custodies, settlements, how many settlements, how many mediators. See, it's not easy, Dylan. So when you have something like degrees right in front of you, you just take it and you run with it.

Okay, well, I give this episode 20 degrees. I'm freezing cold. It was a good episode, but these people make me feel, you know, when we first started watching this show, I hated it because my wife and I were going through some pretty serious fertility struggles. And it was difficult to see vile demonic creatures have children and not you.

Now that we're doing OK, I'm really just watching vile demonic creatures. And it still makes you feel despondent, but we're here to joke and laugh about all of their pain. And you gave it 20 degrees. Yeah. All right, Dylan, I'm glad you pointed that out because this episode was a reintroduction to these evil people.

And I've forgotten how there really aren't that many good guys here. No, there are basically none I mean Janet's husband, but What does he really do? He's complicit. He's evil too. Yeah, he's an evil doer Lives with her. Yeah, so he could be just as bad as her. Yeah Still fun. I want to remind the audience last season was six episodes. So now they stretch this out. Let's see how they, uh, if they can stick the landing here. Yeah. You're, you're walking into 18 episode territory. I don't know how well they do that with these couples. 18 episodes. That's normally a Bravo show by.. Mm hmm. Oh, BSB.

Hmm. A Bravo show by a Bravo show by. Yeah. All right. Well, how many degrees do you give? Okay. Okay. Um, bounced around a lot.

Uh, I really hate Jesse. I think Michelle might be an awful person. Oh, she's disgusting. But Jesse is just, especially that final scene where he just was talking about moving and all that. Let's flippantly weaponize our daughter living two to three hours away from you all the time. Just to torture you. Yeah, I mean it's, it's, I'm telling you the people on the show are disgusting people. I think Brittany might be the only one that's like, and it's probably just because she's...

Careful. Just careful. Okay. I'm going to give it 35 degrees. When you suck down that much corn and beans... All right. Well done. Well, the beans and the corn and the butter and the Jimmy Dean, it does something to your

brain. So it lowers your walls a little bit. And that can make you just happier generally. Okay. I don't think I'm wrong in saying that. Well, let's move on to Rubes. Ruby, please take over the show. I thought this was a really good opening episode and laid the groundwork for what I believe, I agree, Dill, will be some of the most reprehensible behavior we've seen. I think that people like Jesse, I said to Dillon earlier, I want to see Jesse locked in a room with Bethany Frankel and then I just want to see who comes out because that man, contrary to what he believes, he's a small man. Like he thinks he sits in his castle and he's this big LA realtor and blah, blah, blah.

Not only is he not, he does disgusting things like weaponize the location of his daughter's education for fun against his wife who is in a seemingly normal, happy relationship. Him saying, does anybody else wanna suck my dick except for this guy when he met him for the first time? Oh my God. Great joke. He should write for the family guy. That's how good that is. Yeah, so he's repulsive.

I honestly, I would say horrific things about custody if that's what we're gonna do, but we won't cause this is fun. If Jason takes that wedding ring off when he goes out North Star has fallen from the sky. I believe this deserves, this is a solid performance. 75 degrees, I'd say. Yeah. Yeah. 75 degrees. All right. Well, that's pretty high. Well, yeah, it's a nice day. Good. A little more, right? We are ready. The titties look good. It's real time shit. We're here to talk about the valley

Okay, Brittany is filing immediately and rock bottom is now Jackson is a drug addict and an alcoholic and we're here to laugh at all Of it and also empathize but first let's get to Jesse's father of the year is cutting strawberries when Michelle moved out Jesse felt a weight lifted and his suits are now color coordinated. That's the upside. Downside his entire life is imploded. Right. Right. Jesse weaponizes, Jesse weaponizes everything. Jesse weaponizes his daughter's genetics. He is smiling because she looks more like him and he knows that it pisses Michelle off. So he's happy. Michelle has to stare at her

greatest creation every day and still it's a little piece of Jesse, the guy that she despises. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he enjoys that. I do not think that we are, I don't think it's without or outside outside of the realm of possibility that Michelle has Jesse killed. I think that- Or someone. Yeah. Yeah.

I think it's gonna be his daughter. I think she's gonna turn 23 and be like, oh, oh God, no, you know? And then she'll be developed enough by then with enough issues that she may just do it herself. She won't even have to hire. Well, maybe. We'll see.

23 is still young. I give her 32. So, Janet gave birth and Kristen has not. And I'm very sympathetic, like I mentioned, to fertility issues. I'm also very sympathetic to Kristen's boyfriend who is like, can you do me a favor? If we're trying to have kids, can you not smoke two packs a day and run somewhere once? All right. So let's break down the game film. Yeah. All right. So we get Janet and Jason first. Can you not smoke two packs a day and run somewhere once? All right, so let's break down the game film.

Yeah. All right. So we get Janet and Jason first. They love being parents, even when you have to swallow a booger from someone else, which is being a parent. Dylan, I wanted to offer parenting advice as you will be a father in less than two months. Yes.

Here is parenting in a nutshell. Yeah. I'm watching Clueless with my daughter the other day. Okay, she was picking her nose next to me Yeah, I was eating And she pulled out a thing out of her nose. Yeah, and she said hello booger. I Can't wait to eat you And I put down my plate and attempted to wrestle that Booger out of her finger as she tried to put it in her mouth. Right. I lost, she what?

Uh-huh. Now what's the downside? Do you not want them to build the habit of eating the booger? Because I'm... I don't want her to think it's funny, and I'm trying to end that, because it's gross. Oh, really? I'd probably just let her eat it.

You want to eat it, eat the booger. I don't care. Well, she ate the booger. On the show alone, when they all start to starve to death, they eat their own boogers for the salt content. Really? Yeah, so get in the comments, let us know. What do you do as a parent when your child is trying to feast on boogers? Do you just let them, you just let them, you know, just get a tray and go to the buffet or do you try to dissuade that behavior?

Well, get ready for parenting. All right, so then they also bring up that helmet thing. Babies get born with misshapen heads still, and wait till your daughter's born, and her head is weird shaped. It happens with every kid. It comes out of a vagina. It's smushed.

It's weird. You're like, oh my god, you panic. But then you look around the room, and no one else seems worried. And you're like, OK, this is normal. This is like, oh my god you panic but then you look around the room and no one else seems worried and you're like, okay This is normal. This is normal. Oh my god You can actually see the brain pumping on the outside of one of the sides of the head anyway You don't need to wear these stupid helmets because Cone heads didn't exist until 20 years ago

Do we see a bunch of adults walking around with fucking misshapen heads? I think not, sir. I've seen them. I'm gonna get the helmet. You're not gonna get the helmet. I'm getting the helmet. Pat, we're, we come from a Jew. We're getting the helmet. We're getting the helmet. Yeah. Okay. Okay. We agree with you. A hundred percent. The helmet is likely not necessary, but we will be getting the helmet. It's not even Okay. Okay. We agree with you. A hundred percent. No. Helmet is likely not necessary, but we will be getting the helmet. It's not even not likely. I don't agree with him at all. I've seen him.

Oh, really? I've seen him. No, Dylan, this is a, this is a, we're not talking about KKK members. This is a known thing. This is- Oh, no, no, no. This is Big Baby. No, I know it's Big Baby, but trust me, I've seen the heads and I don't want it. Yeah

I'll talk to you. Okay, so Danny and Beauty, what's her name? Nia Nia Are in hell and heaven at the same time and then we get to Jack's his house. All right a Lot of stuff here. So we got we're to go back and forth between Brit meeting with Michelle and Jax and Jesse hanging out. How do you want to handle this as we recap this? Well, let's just kind of Alice in Wonderland the whole thing, if that makes sense. Britney is in a rental.

And they are still co-parenting and still doing their podcast together. I want to ask Ruby this. Ruby, how popular is When Reality Hits? It's the weirdest format. So if you look at the latest episodes, Dylan, do you follow them? Excuse me.

Of course not. They both do the podcast, and they take turns hosting. Still, two day. So there are episodes. I don't think it's very good. They are not good hosts. I used to listen when they did it together because they were getting separated

and then they wouldn't talk about it. But you could just tell that they fucking hated each other. So that was fun. But now that it's separate, no, it's not good. Don't listen. And I don't think it's very popular. It's odd, Dylan. So she does the shows on Monday, and then

he takes over the podcast as a host on Wednesdays. Oh, cool. Well I'm glad that they sorted that out but they have a tenuous little agreement here. They're going to be separated and they can see other people. Now when I think about allotting a very long leash, you know one of those leashes that very, very old people walk their dogs with that has the little recoiling leash and they just go for 60 feet and start attacking and pissing on things. So that's what she's attached to Jax now. And what Jax is going to do with that leash is run to the bar that he quote unquote owns. He's going to pick up runaways and he's going to try to break them in half back at his home,

probably in his son's room. Do you find it odd, Ruby, did you catch, when we catch up with Jack's at the house that they share, he refers to it as his home, not theirs? Yeah. Yeah, I did find that odd. I believe, if I recall correctly, like he paid the mortgage or something

and did the down payment. I don't know, but either way, I think she makes more money than he does now. So he needs to be very careful about what comes out of his mouth. Yeah, who's gonna have you endorse your product with a drug addict? Yeah, yeah.

Well, that hair thinning company. Yeah, maybe. Oh, right. Yeah, I don't remember that. You know what? It's going to be his podcast in the inside the mind of a man. Is that what it was called? Oh yeah. Well, you guys are tired. I'm going to look that podcast up and see how many reviews it has. If it's less than a hundred, it's doomed to fail.

I don't think there's an episode out yet, Pat. Like what the fuck would he even talk about? And what would a hundred? People be like in what could possibly make you go to a comment section for Jack Taylor You know there's a there's a big market for dumb men to follow drug addicts who are alpha and can improve your life I mean, it's all over the place, you know So true who knows like Louie and Teresa when he went to that camp where they get naked on the beach and make Videos about their ex-wives that they abused and how they're sorry you you tell me this son of a bitch just hit a hundred

iTunes ratings today at a three point five rating. Okay hit us with a couple of reviews. All right, here we go Jax is terrible He repeats himself and makes no sense and Um, Jack's is terrible. He repeats himself and makes no sense. And when he's just rambling on and on, I wanted to like this, but it's profoundly bad. This is next one. Star for Dr. Emily. I don't know who Dr. Emily is. Dr. Emily is incredible. Oh, he must've had her on. Okay. Great learning from her. Jack's keeps talking about himself.

He also has lost his temper and yelled at in the second episode with Dr. Emily. Sounded like his team tried to step in and stop him. Is Jax sober? Sounds like he's not. Okay. One star. Okay. Well that that leaves us a room to read a review of our own. And I'm actually really excited about this. Oh, do I want to hear this? This is a great one. Podcast host Sad Scale from Obatifatana. Oh boy, she knows how to hit us.

This was four stars. Oh, four, okay. So how would you rate Pat being hung off a bridge by his brother in the Sea Rat Sad Scale? I'm guessing 3.5. Oh. That was a good story. Let's get to an ad. Okay. By the way, I want to thank the reviewer for that. You're clearly a listener. There are a lot. There are just so many amazing things that have come out of

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it's an amazing company. Go support the show there. So we have this issue with, yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, listen, it's an amazing company. Go support the show there. So we have this issue with, um, with Jax and finding out about Julian. Now they have a relationship that is open right now. So as I said, Jax is banging 21 year olds that he's picking up from his bar because they're stupid enough to think that he's important because he owns a place Now I'm gonna play devil's advocate here and I'm curious about Ruby's thoughts Okay There is a double standard here about him bitching and complaining about Brits living Brit living her best life while he's out living his best

Life I do have a problem with this incestual friend. Yes, that is constantly pounding away at each other Yes that is constantly pounding away at each other. Why does it have to be someone that they know in their circle that he claims is one of his best friends that he's only known for a year, which is so Jax. It's so Jax. Yeah, I think that that's where the gross part is. I don't actually think Jax gives a fuck about this person. I think this guy could quite literally die tomorrow

and Jax wouldn't care, but I think that that is gross and that's the only thing that Brittany is in the wrong for and that's why it's annoying because she's not in the wrong really. It's just he has that over her and he's right to hang it there. What he's not right to do is flip tables, which is exactly what he did when he found out that Brittany had been sending sexy videos to Julian Julian and then he flipped the table it hit her knee and you can tell that Jesse's been going to therapy It's Jack's or Jesse Jesse, okay, because Jesse comes over and he says that you have no emotional regulation Okay, now this is a term that you would only pick up on a couch.

Fine, but Jesse I don't think has ever had any bouts of violence like Jax. What Jesse would do to a person is be overly condescending. Well, Jesse has smacked tables and screamed at people. Jesse has no emotional regulation either. Fair enough, fair enough. I just don't think he's a danger to other human beings like Jax is. Well, Jesse is in a new relationship himself, one of the strongest females that he's ever encountered. Let's see how that goes. I don't think Jesse is gonna handle a strong females well. No, no, no. Do we? We

don't meet her yet. No. OK. What is his wife's name? Michelle. Michelle. She found someone too. Well, yeah. Yeah, after their breakup. There was a US Weekly story this week that finally she admitted that the person that she had the big movie star, whatever,

was in fact Quentin Tarantino. And this makes me not like Michelle. She said they were having a meeting at Chateau Marmont. And she was confused why everyone at the bar kept staring at the both of them, because she had no idea who he was. She's either a liar or an idiot. Yeah, I was going to say. Can I say, I don't think she's the. Yeah, I was gonna say.

Can I say? Yeah, go ahead. I don't think she's the brightest bulb. I will say that. I do think she may be a little bit dull. Okay. Oh no, I can completely see her being dumb enough to not know who Quentin Tarantino is.

I don't, however however think there's any way she took that meeting and had it not knowing who she is, who he is. Agreed, agreed, agreed. She knew exactly who she was sitting down with. She got high off of it. And did they have sex? No. Okay. Cause.

But she definitely did have sex with this guy while she was married to Jesse. Oh, yeah Okay, so Where's that accent from? Let's look at some plants. Okay. This is actually a very fun activity I love that sales clerk like that job a little too much made me feel uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, no, it makes me feel very uncomfortable when people in menial jobs love them so much I get a tremendous amount of ugh from it. And that's why I don't like going to Mendocino farms,

because there's something in the water over there. They're too happy, and I don't know why. They're literally behind glass, just stirring up couscous for eight hours a day. Are people still happy at Starbucks? I haven't walked in one of those in a decade. God, no. They're miserable.

Oh, yeah. Okay, because they used to be the happy people. people. Hey! That's Trader Joe's now. That's Trader Joe's. Well, it's been Trader Joe's for 30 years. So they're doing something over there. Let me tell you something. Yeah, but what they're doing, they're making us all have fucking anxiety. Every time you get, you're, you go to the register, you're like, don't just, just don't. How's your day going? Yeah. So how, fuck. Yeah. And then you're there. You know, did you hear about the dire wolves? They brought the dire wolves back. Have you heard about this? Um, Ruby and I spoke this morning, um,

because we speak, uh, off mic sometimes, uh, you know, uh, not often, not often. You know, as a bread. Not often. Not often. Ruby introduced my wife to a product from Trader Joe's that is vegan banana bread. I told Ruby this morning that it is a weapon of mass destruction. It is, let me tell you how delicious this is. So good. So I came home yesterday. I came home yesterday and I hadn't eaten anything all day and I had a very thick slice of it

and it was gone. It was kind of like a magic trick how fast I ate it. Now it was delicious then. I woke up this morning and cut myself off a little morning slice, you know. I ate the vegan banana bread and it was so delicious that I yelled. I got, I felt an endorphin rush, an oxytocin dump, and I yelled, God, this is so good. And my wife came in the kitchen and was concerned that something had happened because she heard from me from upstairs. Now, Dylan, you and Ruby have referred to Trader Joe's

as snacks for adults? Yep. It's not a grocery store. It's a snack shack. It's a Willy Wonka snack shack. You do not go there if you need to make a meal. You go there if you need to give up in a tasty way. All right. I don't agree with you.

Their products are fucking fantastic. But that bread, if you live near Trader Joe's, every person should go get it, try it, and then see how bad it is for you and your family. I'm going to get it tomorrow. Oh, Pat. Okay. It is. Good luck.

Oh my God. It's so crazy. So anyways, I love this activity. They're making little indoor plant display areas terrariums and Janet reflects on how much fun she has with Brittany. There has never been a time where Janet has said let's get Taco Bell And Brittany hasn't said yes, let's get too much nacho cheese. Pat thoughts? Janet is evil. She has just begun as what is it that becomes a butterfly? Is that a maggot? No, it's a caterpillar. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right. She's still a caterpillar that starting with the green goo inside them.

If you've ever stepped on one, they have green blood. Okay. Like the Hulk. Uh, she has yet to spawn her wings of the true evil that she can deliver. Sure. It's coming. That's what I think. That's great. Um, so they chat about the white party and Brit finding herself. That's the party she's going to throw. Yeah, so Britney is going to throw a white party and I love the dueling parties, right? So we'll get there. Well one is a party and one is three assholes. Yeah, right. So let's get to Casavita or Casita with... What's this? Great spot in Sherman Oaks. What's this person's name?

Are you talking about Nia and... Yeah, Nia and... Danny. Nia and Danny, okay. Yeah. No, no, no. This is with Nia and Zack. Zack, sorry.

Zack, Lego head. Lego head. They sit down, they order watermelon margaritas and the waiter says with his POS system on his wrist that he'll be standing there and you'll be tipping on, you'll be tipping him on his wrist. He says, the yellowtail crudo is fire. I hate the valley now.

Okay. It has been absolutely uprooted from what it was and it has been lit on fucking fire. The yellowtail crudo is fire was never said here. Okay. It was never said here. Say that again. You cut out. Cheese pizza. Where did she go? What? She heard me. I said, but why did you

say cheese pizza? She said that when you asked her. No, but why did she say cheese pizza? I said, you know, what is said? I can I get a large cheese pizza? Not a fucking crudo. Nobody knows what that is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, there used to be mothers and fathers and children here. And there were no watermelon margaritas. And maybe I'm afraid of change. But I'm just sick of Los Angeles turning into or the Ventura turning into Las Vegas. It's just it's getting

ridiculous. It's the word I'm going to dinner after this. Kiwani Kiwami. It's getting ridiculous. I'm going to dinner after this at Kiwami. What's that sushi joint? When you're Kiwami, when you're Kiwami. They make a watermelon martini there. I am just, my water's to die. My mouth is watering right now. I can't wait to have it.

Okay. You are the gayest straight man I know. Yep. So self-assured. So self-assured. That's because I'm comfortable in my sexuality. Yeah. I mean that. I get to be me. And that's what we all can aspire to. You just want to be you. If you're at a place and they have... I love espresso martinis, I won't order them because I just don't want, I don't want to do it. I don't want to be seen with them and I don't want to put the bartender through that, you know?

It's too messy. So, I have work to do. Kristen arrives. She hates Janet. And the Lego one also hates Janet. And the Lego one also hates Janet. He was yelling at a pregnant woman. And this is the big issue. Janet on a podcast said that Kristen and Zach didn't want her pregnancy to come to term.

That's a pretty ugly accusation. Yeah. And it's not true, but there's a kernel to it. I don't know that they necessarily Cared it wasn't important to them. Ah, hey, I think after Kristen miscarried It I believe exactly what you said prior to miscarrying She probably was just like that thought had not crossed my mind right may not have thought that it was Disgusting for Zach to be screaming at her the way that he did when she was eight and a half months pregnant. But if Jason would have punched him in the

face at Jack's bar for what he did to his wife when she was that pregnant, I don't think anybody would have been like that wasn't appropriate. I think everyone would have been like, yeah no, that was justified. You can't do that. You can't do that to any person, let alone a woman who is literally going to give birth in this bar. He's annoying and his hair is weird. His hair is so weird. As a gay man, you think he'd care more about how he's looked at. Yeah, you would think there would be gays around him going,

honey, you can't do that. But unless he does. And he has so much of it. There is no issue. There is like a canvas that he could do so many things with, I feel. Right, but it just plops there so Well, well before we leave this Kristen makes an important distinction. She doesn't hate Janet having a baby. She just hates

Janet yeah, and Zach says that Brittany is a kiss-ass and refers to her as a squirrel that is nesting inside of Janet's pussy Okay, vile gross. Let's get to Jesse's I hated this editing Dylan because it made us all think it was gonna be the new cast member the new girlfriend Yep, and that pissed me off. Don't do this again you idiots. Yeah well, this is very strange because they do not like each other and we roll the tape on Jesse's mastery of his own emotions slamming the table and whatnot. And he forgives Kristen and apologizes. Because?

She was right. About everything. Jesse is quite changed. He does seem like he may be doing better. And dare I say it, some lovely person may have thrust him into some kind of breakthrough now I wrote this before I witnessed him interacting with his wife who is still I believe a trigger point for his lesser behaviors

yeah so let's get to me and Danny. They're too blessed to be stressed. You refer to him as a little drunk. My God, he is a little drunk. Okay. Ruby, do we know what he does for a living? He's a voice actor. There's plenty of work to be done, Pat. Okay. Yeah. I think when you're good, but I don't, you know, Santa Clarita, let's talk about it. I will. It's where hopes and dreams go to die. And she knows that. I'm going to Google Santa Clara. I'm going to Google. Oh, you can definitely get a three bedroom, two bath for under a million bucks

there. Okay. Let's Google Santa Clarita right now. What they're discussing here though, is they already have three children or is it four? Three? Okay? She wants one more. Okay. So right now it's four o'clock on a Friday. It would take an hour to get there That's not that bad. That's not that bad. I mean my in-laws live there and a couple friends live there It's look Santa Clarita is fine It's fine. You could still get an affordable house there. Yeah fine. It's fine. You could still get an affordable house there.

Yeah. It's just, you know, it's, if you're a creative person, you're not gonna be inspired there. I guess that's fine. Well, you see no Clarita is a half measure, right? So a lot of creative people can be inspired by desolate, harsh, empty desert climates, right? I think it's too like it's too prefab now. That's the thing.

If it's track house. If it's that landscape, which has a certain divinity to it, is dotted with tract homes everywhere and freshly poured concrete, then it just ruins the spirit of the place. So sorry to shit on Santa Clarita. Sorry if you live there, but we're just not big fans of it. Here's my prediction.

The Valley isn't going anywhere. I think the Valley already has a five season order. I don't know if the cast is going to stay the same. And one thing that I can guarantee is Nia ain't sticking it out with this loser. Yeah, I don't agree with that. I think that she loves him. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. How do I understand women more than you do? You don't.

She's going to dump this sad sack drunk and she's going to fucking level up. She's going to date like a finance guy and she's going to live in West Hollywood. Well, okay. Here's the thing. She is very unreasonable. Now, Nia is going through something that is very hard. She's not happy with her body, and she wants to have a kid so that she can have the last kid and then refocus on herself and her body. She also just had twins, so it's like a double fucking Jesus Christ.

Right. You know? Here's the deal. It completely makes sense. My wife and I would have these discussions about waiting. She wanted to get it done so she can get her body back tight and right. You space this shit out.

Imagine, even as a dude, if like, You're in a malaise. My asshole was the size of a fucking football Like I don't want it to look like that. I just want it to look like that to have the beautiful children I'm saying one had babies. You know what I mean? Your asshole was the size of a foot Yeah, the two kids are four kit five kids just went through there. Well, I don't think that you understand Anatomy Emotional intelligence of women, but not the anatomy of it. Maybe. I don't know. I don't have a biology. Five stars, kind words. The pressures of parenthood

and actual life are going to start to hit them and she's going to see how ill-equipped he is and how much he drinks, then I do think she will leave him because she cannot provide for those kids on her own. She can't. She won't. So she'll find someone who will help her. I think it's very, very disgusting to only want to do what you want to do and have no means of achieving what you want to do.

And if what you want to do cannot be supported by the person you've committed your life to, then you will leave them and find somebody who is getting a new one. That's awful. But anyways, let's get to the white party. Well, we stopped by Janet and Jason's house first. Yes, the ex's china is rolled out. I always forget that Janet was married first.

Ruby, were they only married for a couple years? I think that was the story. They were just very young, a couple years? I think that was the story. They were just, yeah, very young, couple years, called it off. Okay, good. Small detail. Yes, that's important. Then we jump over to Jack's bar. Now nothing happens. Well first,

they talk about this boy's text thread. Lack-a-room talk. I think it's pictures of shit. Oh really? Yeah. Yeah. I send pictures of my shit to people. Oh come on. We're way too old to be doing that.

I know. No, I don't think they are. If I have a blowout, I'll send it. Yeah. You know what's interesting is I would never be inclined to send a picture of that. I would only be inclined to send a picture of like a very, very, very clean blog of shit. Yeah, I'll send the clean ones too. Yeah, but I don't know why these boys are texting each other

on like a daily basis, just pictures of their shit. I think that's what it is. Yeah. Locker room talk. You got to like it twice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. Yeah.

So anyways. Yeah. Where's this white party? I thought America right now is a little bit like Jackson's white party. Right. It's Britney's and don't make that mistake again. Sorry. It's Britney's and don't make that mistake again. Okay, sorry Jack's his party is a Well, it's an alcoholics at Ottermas gathering bad party and

Pat can you really quickly comment on Mikey? Mikey oh Mike he must be a partner in the business or something. Who is it? Are we talking about the guy that we don't know? He was the one just off to the corner and we should know. No, no, no. Mikey was the beat Nick. He had the, the jean vest and the hair, the pompadour that didn't have enough product. This is the, you were going to really rip this guy.

I know there was a guy there and I think I was like, who, he must be a business partner or an investor. Yeah. Well, they're all fake friends, but anyways, um, Janet, really, really misses hating people. That's right. With Kristen Janet is a gargoyle. One thing that you can bond over is hating other people. Yes. Yes. Yeah, big time. Now, I think that Janet and Stassi

are cut from the same cloth. I agree. Yeah, I think so too. I think so too. How did Stassi not make her triumphant return back on this show? Because she's on Vanderpump Villa with Lisa Vanderpump. What's that?

Behind a paywall. That's like a bad Hulu show about her Las Vegas wait staff and you know how bad it is? I don't even watch it. Yeah, no one does. You watch pure dog shit so if you're not watching it. So am I. All right so Aaron and Michelle arrive and so does Jesse and this is really a party. You know what I mean? Ruby, what are your thoughts on Michelle's new beau? I mean, it's not for me, but I, listen, I think Sarah to start was a bit nefarious,

but I think that he seems to be making her feel secure and happy and he also seems to be playing the very difficult role of dealing with fucking Jesse during a divorce. So anybody who's gonna put up with that is honestly like probably somebody you try to keep around because that's got to be really hard. Well think about his role as you pointed out and I guess perhaps he didn't know he was signing up for this. Half the conversations I bet he has with Michelle is about Jesse.

Imagine running, when you have a new partner or a new person you're dating, generally it's like, where should we travel? They're not gonna work out. They're not gonna work out. Well, the rebound is rarely working. She was cheating on Jesse with him. This guy is a scumbag.

He's a fucking piece of shit. And I think that Jesse is disgusting shit and I think that Jesse is disgusting But I think that Jesse is for Jesse actually pretty good with this guy because I wouldn't want to go anywhere fucking near anyone who I suspected of Harming my marriage even more than it was being well, hold on. Jesse is a calculated scumbag so he realizes, the most man thing he could do is say snipes to this guy. The way that he hurts this guy is by fucking with Michelle.

Right. Oh yeah. He's gonna go, actually, this is too much. I mean, this guy is a Gatling gun of stress, so I'm out But yeah, he's a cheater in a scumbag so Schwartz and Jack's Schwartz is Schwartz is insane He sits down and he asks before looking at the menu do you have goat cheese balls?

That's it Do you have goat cheese balls? That's it. He sat down and asked if he had a craving for goat cheese balls. Well, no, that's a mainstay on Vanderpump rules. I assume you're familiar. Is it? Mm-hmm. I thought, I thought. No, no, the arrested development that that statement displays

is even more concerning than your original thought. I agree with you, Ruby. That you just had a craving for them. So think about that. I don't understand. They're a very popular menu item at Sur, and Ruby is pointing out that while you didn't pick up on that, him bringing that up, being 15 years out

from its origin, is even more pathetic. Oh, okay. Goat cheese balls do sound good. Now probably not. Oh yeah. It's probably too much goat cheese. Got to be a little too much breading little tiny balls to do that well and make a really good ball. I don't think sir.

Ruby Ruby. Have you made it over to Jack's? No, no, Patty Hammond. I'm waiting to do that with you guys. Well, we'll do it when you get in town. Yeah, it's gonna be a lot of fun. Okay, so, um, Aaron and Michelle, this is when Jesse comments that the first time he met him, he said, does anyone want to blow me but this guy I don't even think that doesn't

even make sense. It doesn't make sense. Michelle says Isabella is spoiled and it's your fault and I'm not sure if Aaron interjects here but keep your mouth shut not only because it's wrong. He did. He did which was wrong. Yeah. Aaron what did he say? I don't. He to be fair it was a very like off-kilter comment in just he like I think Michelle was like yes You do like you do you give her everything that she wants and Aaron was do I think he said something along the lines of like? Like you kind of get do or something like anything that he said was inappropriate. You shouldn't have spoken You shouldn't have spoken do it for your own for your own sanity and for the sanity of Their failing partnership and their daughter, shut your

fucking mouth. I hate this guy. Alright, so Kristen and Janet sit down. We discussed this not a baby not coming to term thing, which is just a vile thing to say, but the thing that's happening here, so it's two narcissistic people who want the exact kind of apology that they are expecting. Now the perfect coincidence here is that the perfect apology does not exist, so they're always going to be upset at one another and what they're really looking for is a complete and total healing.

And I mean, H E E L, um, but neither one of them is going to give that if we're really, um, from a distance picking which, which idiot is the right one. I would say that Kristen is in the right because Janet, I think is even more evil than Kristen and what Janet accused Kristen of feeling is really really dark. And one other detail it turns out it was that little demon poodle Lego head that was back channeling that information about the miscarriage remark as well. I thought she said on a podcast. Well it was said on a podcast but Ruby do you know what I'm picking up, throwing down? Wasn't it?

No, Janet said on a podcast that they didn't want her child to come to term. I don't know if Kristen heard that. Are you saying Luke told Janet about that? No, I thought Zach had something to do with that. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. He's so annoying to me, I refuse to remember his name. Zach, yes, Zach, sorry, Zach. Yeah, no, to remember his name. Zach. Yes, Zach. Sorry, Zach.

Yeah. I don't know. Hey, Zach. Sorry, buddy. Yeah, really sorry about that. But listen, they're not doing well. Rooftop, fuck yeah, downtown Los Angeles. We get with Michelle and Jesse one last time.

He met with a counselor. No, she met with a counselor about getting Isabella into good private schools. This is what's done in Los Angeles and it's why I want to move. We get to a very, very serious conversation. This is what this show, it's too heavy.

A lot of this stuff like we're just filming a reality show but this show has extremely heavy bullshit on it. Okay so I assume you're referring to Jesse saying that he may want to take Isabella down to to our self. Oh defiantly so. Where his new girlfriend lives. Yeah. For Isabelle Isabella to go to school. And he is a perfect candidate for Orange County. Just basic strip mall, self-important, expensive sunglasses, fuckface, right? I don't know, sorry to be too harsh. I know these people are real people, but if you're such an LA realtor mogul, you stay in LA.

Why do you need to go to Orange County, buddy? Here's the other thing too. He says that I'm pretty sure in response to the meeting of this, you know, getting into middle school person who she's like, I'm allowed to do this according to our counselor. His response to feeling a slight loss of control over his daughter is to then Threaten the mother of his child that he's going to take her away and go away to get her educated. He is Genuinely, I think more repulsive than Jack's because he's smarter I fucking hate this man and I hope that they end okay for the sake of their daughter, but nothing else.

I hate him. Yeah. He ends the episode by telling the producer and us that he did say this thing to her and Aaron on purpose to hurt her. And then he ends the episode by saying, let the chaos begin. Let the chaos begin. I hate him so much, but I hate so many people on this show. Get in the comments, let us know what you thought about the episode.

Who do you love? Have you had the vegan banana bread from Trader Joe's? What's your favorite snack from Trader Joe's? What's your favorite thing that you get there and you just go, you know what, I do not want to do anything. I'm just going to throw a microwavable spanakopita in the microwave. What else? Ruby, and what do you have to plug?

Get your egg frittatas as well. They make a mean egg white frittata from Trader Joe's. They do a mean egg white frittata there. Yeah, a lot of good stuff there. And a lot of good stuff coming from us. The Valley is back. We appreciate the support. Five stars kind words, patreon.com

slash another podcast network and go get yourself a koala. We love you very much. I'm Dylan saying goodbye. Pat, say goodbye. There it is. Robey. Bye bye. The heat is on, on the street Inside your head, on every beat It beats a lot. Deep inside.

The pressure's high. Just to stay alive. Because the heat is on.