Anything Better? - Champagne & Strawberries

Episode Date: May 8, 2021

Is there Anything Better than Bill and Paul talking about douchebag little league coaches, childhood scuffles, and how to celebrate a win.

What's up everybody and welcome back to another episode of Anything Better, episode number 15 with myself, Paul Verzi over here, my buddy, Bill Burr over there, we got the Greek freak behind the glass, Andrew Themlis, guys, And Bill, I'm going to start off episode 15 by saying, is there anything worse? Because I'm coming in hot right now. I'm really upset. Yeah. Is there anything worse than a grown man taking a children's game seriously?

Because I took Lucas. I got to just get this out of the fucking gate here. Okay? I think I might have done that before. Go ahead. What? What did I do? No, I might've taken a kid's game seriously before. No, no, no. But like I went, I took Lucas. I went

to see Lucas's, um, I went to see Lucas's, uh, little league game. And I noticed that one of Lucas's teammates, I saw the uniform was playing for the other team. So I said to Stacy, what's going on? One of our guys is actually, yeah, they don't have enough players. So what they did was they platooned our guys for their center field. So every inning, one of Lucas' teammates was in center field. A couple balls got hit there, and these kids are like, you know, the sun was out. They're little leaguers.

They're not going to make diving catches. And whenever one of our guys on our team wouldn't make the play, I noticed the other coach like looking around as if to go, ha, that's convenient. Yeah. Letting their team score. Right. And he's doing that shit. And I'm like, so I'm looking at Stacey and I'm going, you see, I mean, right. You guys got a point though. I mean, but so then there is a conflict of interest there oh but then he he looks over at our coach and he goes oh that was convenient hon they're kind of laughing but then i'm noticing that he turns around and after he kind of makes it a joke then he's getting serious

with his assistant coaches about it that it's bothering him and now now i can't concentrate on the game now i'm just looking at him so i look over at Stacy and I go, you fucking see this guy. I go, this guy goes, this guy mocks my son. I said, I'm just letting you know, if this guy mocks my son during this game, things are going to change here. And she goes, don't do anything. I go, no, listen to me. I go, she goes, which guy? She goes, the guy with, I swear to God, she goes, what? The guy with the hoodie? She goes, he seems nice. I go, no, I go, that's what he seems he's not nice i go when lucas goes in center field dude and he fucking if he tries mocking my son i'm going up to him and i'm gonna tell him and i told her i swear to god this is true i said i'm gonna go up to him and

say listen dude you ever mock my son again in public like that i'm gonna smack you in front of your family and in front of your whole team and i plan mocking he's questioning his his integrity no no but he was also doing this a fly ball went to a kid and the kid was trying to get out of the sun and i saw him going like like doing that shit oh yeah oh yeah like i saw him he goes he looked at his he like joked with our coach and then he was like doing that dude and i'm i swear to god man i'm like, dude, I can't. I fuck Bill. I was picturing Bill Murray in Kingpin like. Yeah, and I'm going to asshole.

Yeah, guys are, dude. You know, the second you get on a fucking court, you feel like you're playing for the next. This guy's coach and he thinks he's going to be the next Joe Torrey. Oh, man, it was bothering me, man. And I'm like, don't do that to my son. My son hasn't played baseball in two years because of the pandemic and all kinds of shit like that, dude. And it really, and all these guys are like, yeah, well, you know,

tell me he did it just so you fucking went over there. No, no, no. He did. No, he didn't. He, he, he was doing it. And I'm just going like Stacy, you know, Stacy and like other parents heard me say, I'm going to go up to him. And then it got weird. It got weird in our area and like other parents heard me say I'm going to go up to him. And then it got weird. It got weird in our area. And they were looking at me like I was the lunatic. And then, you know, I just sat there and I, you know.

You were, dude. You were. Because you know what? You kind of took it seriously, too. That some fucking jerk off. An 11-year-old kid who's in the outfield on a fucking. No, you're right. You're right.

But, dude, you literally then, whatever you said earlier to your wife, like Scorsese should have written down and had Joe Pesci say it to De Niro. I'm telling you right now. Telling you right now. Yeah, you're right. If things happen,

I'm just letting you know, it's going to get weird. That's really open-ended and your tone is really omin them ominous yeah and you know you got that sicilian blood so people get nervous paul well you know bill i know you have two kids shaved head and the jet black beard you're kind of looking like a bit of a fucking kingpin you like the sticks well i swear to god dude if you weren't a comedian on TV doing podcasts, what would your neighbors think you're doing?

Every time you drove out in your fucking Lexus, what would they be thinking? Where is Pauly? He's collecting for the numbers. He's doing something. He's a bookie. I would be in sales probably. I'd be in sales. No, but I'm saying if your if neighbors you first move in yeah they

see you in your track suit your fresh jordans and you get into alexis uh you're olive skin you're there yeah people people judge they do what are they saying about kind-hearted great father and husband pays all his taxes paul verzi yeah judging you on all those 18 seasons of the Sopranos they are a hundred percent all you need dude is a white Cadillac SUV and they'll have the feds there'll be a guy from the phone company a couple hey we got a loose wire here that guy's been up on that telephone pole for like four hours what the are they doing a couple. Hey, we got a loose wire here. Hey, is it me? That guy's been up on that fucking telephone pole for like four hours. What the fuck are they doing up? You'd be driving down to the stand looking for helicopters.

I'm telling you, Bill. I'm telling you. I know you. I've been in a game. Remember we were at that UConn game and there was a guy. Remember we were at that UConn game and every time something happened where they didn't make a shot, he critiqued it. He goes, no, he's using his wrong arm. That's not his strong arm. And we just kept looking at him. He had something to say. You wait till one of your two beautiful children are at a game and you're sitting there.

Oh, I know you. I've been to many games with you. Wait till your blood is in the fucking game. OK, I'm not saying what you did was wrong i'm just saying i'm just saying you made an unsettling comment for the people around you yeah no i listen i take it to heart i i almost got kicked out of a game because an ump lucas was in the box before pandemic oh wait is this, is this another incident? No, this is another incident where I realized I can't talk to this. It's interesting.

Okay. Well, walk me through this one, Paul. Lucas went in the box and Lucas has a really good eye. Okay. Lucas actually has, Lucas has the best vision a human being could have. He's like almost under 2010. They said like, he's got like that, like Lucas could be a fighter pilot. He's got that shit. Right. Barry Bonds had it. A lot of great hitters, Ted Williams, said, like, he's got, like, Lucas could be a fighter pilot. He's got that shit, right?

Barry Bonds had it. A lot of great hitters. Ted Williams, blah, blah, blah. So I know it's Little League. Big names, Paul. We're talking Little League here. I know. All of a sudden, there's fighter pilots and Hall of Famers are in this story.

I'm getting confused here. But my son. You saw on ESPN, are we talking about a Little League game here? But my son. I know. I'm being a little hypocritical, taking this shit seriously. I know my son knows what a strike is at least around the area to strike zone. Anyway, this guy throws up my son's ankle, dude. And this fat fuck called the strike. And he just goes, right. And, and it was when the sun was going down and that's how I knew.

Cause what happens is they try to get the game in. He thinks he was fooling me. when the sun was going down. And that's how I knew. Because what happens is they try to get the game in. He thinks he was fooling me. When the sun starts going down, this asshole's trying to get out. My son's at the plate. This thing is at his ankles. And he goes, shake. And I just go, dude, that's not a strike, dude. That's low.

And the guy just takes his mask off. He takes three steps towards me. And he just goes. And everybody kind of, he just looked at at me he just looked at you down he just took the thing off and he just went like this and he was about to say get the fuck out of here if i said anything his jowls go like this when he took the mask off i like i really did show him up i go that's not a strike dude like i said it like you know like blatant and he just goes like this and he stares at me. And then like it made Lucas feel. No, no, he took three steps towards you.

Yeah, yeah. In nature, I believe that's known as a mock charge. He did like this lean too. Like he wanted, he did this shit, right? He did this shit. You got in your kitchen, Paul. Yeah. Stuck his big fucking, stuck his mug in your kitchen, man.

And I know Lucas felt it. And I feel bad because Lucas is in the box. And I kind of just looked. And then I kind of just slowly migrated away. And I walked. And I went back to the stands. And I sat next to Stace. And I go, I almost got kicked out.

And she just goes, just stay here. She goes, just stay here. But yeah, man. So you tell me one, are there any more incidents? No. Okay. You're about one incident away from helping design Lucas's first sneaker and telling Nike to go fuck themselves, even though they haven't offered you anything yet. Maybe when you saw that coach, did you see a little bit of yourself in that? No, no, no, no. I saw a bully that I didn't like.

That's what I saw. Right, because he was being a bully. You're sticking up for your son. I get that. As I asked that question, I realized that was stupid. It actually made me insecure because I saw bullies like that in school doing that. Like that guy was the type of guy in school

who like at recess, when they were like in high school at recess, he would take it seriously and shit on the kids that weren't good. And that's who it was. And he was living that life through children. And I wanted to go just forfeit. You guys need a center fielder. You're not all here. Game over. That's how it works. Here's the thing, Paul. What scares me about those two stories is you are 100% nicer than me and more even keeled and relaxed. So to know that you got that heated, I don't know that I can go to a sporting event my kid was involved in.

I will definitely try to like – It's hard. It's definitely hard because I go to a uh sporting event my kid was involved in i i will definitely try to like so imagine it's definitely hard because i go to a game and i start like you know when i see something that's wrong i mean it's just it's muscle memory that's fucking you just want to sit the second you see it you know what's pretty good though your daughter's playing hockey. Yeah. And you can get away with yelling more shit in a rink unless it's almost empty. But if it's pretty packed, the refs can't really hear too much. They got the glass up. I like to think they don't. I'm probably justifying a lot of my behavior.

But no, you're right because you hear the ice. The blades are hitting the ice. There's a lot going on. Yeah. Sticks are hitting us. It's going up going on. Yeah. Sticks are hitting us. Going up and down. Yeah. The refs are moving around.

So by the time they fuck it up, it's kind of like, oh, what the fuck? You're going by. Yeah. Well, you and your boy are going to be at Dick's Sporting Goods, and he's going to go, oh, dad, I love this glove. Right? And then you're going to see the joy in his face. Then you're going to take him to a batting cage.

And all of a sudden he's going to hit a fast one and look at you with this fucking, I did it, dad. I did. I'm getting mad now at the guy. I get it. I get it. Yeah. And then one day, somebody throws one at his ankles. You taught him what a strike was. He doesn't swing at it. And then fatty there's got to get to the fucking all you can eat by seven yes and you're in the car dealing with it now because now your son is hanging his head in the back of the car going man i wanted to have a good game today and you're going he's bringing that home the way we bring a bad day home and everybody's fucked up because you want

to remind me of when i was a little one time, because they call them that low. They do call them low. It was a full count, and this kid, I remember the catcher caught it like this with his glove on the ground. And I was so like, that's a ball. I ran to first base. And I just said, hey, hey, that was strike three. And I was like, that was a strike? I came walking back, and then my coach was just like, yeah, man,

I was in the dirt. The strike zones expanded. I mean, we're like in fourth or fifth grade or something so yeah no i i quit because i had an overbearing coach who took it real seriously i remember he gave me my number i'll never forget dude he gave me my number uh our color was green and i was number five and he goes you know this number and he's like this is joe dimagaggio he started talking all this stuff he was like taking it so seriously and he was like you know you're real fast so I want you to bunt and I want you to leg him out and this and that and I was in left field and a ball got hit it was like a line drive low like between my chest and my my waist and I went I dove in to get it and I hit the glove and I dropped it and like he was all and I dove in to get it and I hit the glove and I dropped it. And like he was all and I just fucking hated it, dude.

And I told my mom, what did he say? He just was like he just the way he treated me after like, oh, you got to get that like this. And I was just like, I hated the guy. He took it so seriously. And I just ended up playing football after that. The fuck gets on some kid laying out in elementary school. He didn't know.

He didn't he didn't yell at me, but he did a thing. He felt disappointment. You felt his disappointment. I felt his disappointment. And I know this is going to sound crazy, but I didn't have my dad around, dude. My parents got divorced, and we were going through a real weird time then. And this guy just had this presence. And it's like, if I'm not disappointing my dad, I don't want to be.

My dad's not around or whatever it was. I didn't, I just had this feeling with this guy and he was just, and I felt like, and now dude, this is like therapy right now. I felt as though that coach knew I was having psychological problems at home and he treated me as such, if that makes sense. I was with you till then. I don't think he knew your home life because then that would be like malicious he deliberately did it he might have i don't know let's see i remember my football coach in like third grade he used to have us doing leg lifts right you know you got the giant trash can on your head we're doing leg lifts

and if your legs went down he'd kick you in the side of the leg in front of the parents so i used to take my thigh pads and i would move them down to the side so if he kicked me he'd be like come on get it up we'd kick you but my dad he pulled me out i was going to play football my whole childhood my dad pulled me out he saw it for to play football my whole childhood. My dad pulled me out. He saw it for what it was. He goes, Clay, shut up. You get one brain in life. You're out there knocking around.

You understand? Your brain sits in fluid. My dad knew all of that shit. Wow. Yeah. You know what's funny? He called it. He fucking called it.

I mean, it's not like I would have fucking made. I would even have made the high school team. Forget it forget it i mean i would have been out there with some fucking meat for the faster kids to slam into that's fucking cool that like you know something that reminded me of my dad because you know i mean i'm not going to get into it on the podcast but you know the issues me and my dad it's just been a whole different thing in my life with my dad but he always told me something he always fucking said said to me, no matter what was going on, he goes, Paul, you don't take fucking drugs. He said, because you have one brain, you're going to have to call upon. He's literally said this to me one time. He goes, somebody like you is going to have to use their mind to make money, to do all the things you're

going to, you know, all these things you're going to have to do that. And I would have never thought I'd be, you know, a comedian traveling around telling jokes remembering stuff right but he always said no matter what do not take drugs because you have one body and one brain and if it goes to fucking mush look at this none of these fit that shit's turning your mind into mush take them back and it really is like it's funny how like you still get nuggets of wisdom. You still get amazing nuggets of wisdom from people that care about you the most. Another thing with the football was unfortunately that summer, right after I signed up was when Daryl Stingley got paralyzed in that exhibition game against the Raiders.

And I wanted to play wide receiver. And they were like, you're not playing wide receiver. Wow. So then they were like, well, what do you want to play? And I was like, I panicked. I said guard because I thought it sounded tough. And I was just like in the trenches. Every play, hut, hut, hut, slamming heads.

My dad was just like, you're not doing this anymore. None of your brothers, none of your brothers or anybody played football like deep further like along or no no um i what happened was i got a d in math in fifth grade and then my dad had a one for all all for one philosophy and he pulled everybody out of sports and then we never asked him to play again because we were scared of him. Holy shit. I remember years later, he was like, I was always surprised you never played football in high school.

I was like, I thought you said you didn't want me to play. He was like, nah, I never said that. He was just like, ah, Jesus Christ. German-Irish, too. We're fucking lunatics. Dude, that's gangster, though, that that all of you that was like the marine guy no it's not cool when one of your brothers fucking has to stay back so you all

have to full metal jacket private pile then they all had to do pushups and they beat the shit out of him with the soap the blanket part we should have given my brother a blanket part he had to fucking stay back so then we all had to what yeah wow hey you know what you all turned out good yeah we did no we did you know you all turned out good

man that's i've had a job since 1978 i had one on one point where I was unemployed for about four months in 1990. Other than that, I have had a job since having a paper route. I got a paper route, which was every fucking... That's the thing about it is... How old are you? I was born in 70. How old were you

when you had that job? What are you, 10 years old? Wow. Nine or 10. ten wow something like that yeah 10 that's back when you could find i mean it was weird there was just as many like i would think just as many fucking lunatics out there but they'd let you get on a bicycle i used to get up at 5 45 a.m every single day of the fucking year from third grade to ninth grade when i finally quit the paper route um i started the paper i was a little fucking billy burr by the end i was taller than half my customers that's how long i had the fucking thing and then i went from that

to uh where did i work there i actually applied for a permit so i could work because i wasn't 16 yet oh my you had to get a worker's permit i remember this teacher going why would you why would you you got your whole the whole rest of your life to work why would you want to do that now but what i did like was i never i always had money when i was growing up i mean like I was like fucking buying houses but I if I wanted to buy some candy or some football cards how old do I sign or a kite I mean I grew up a long time ago if I wanted to do get myself a slingshot if I wanted to do some shit like that like I actually know I couldn't buy myself any like a toy without clearing it with my parents

they were super strict they've been like where'd you get that ah it's bullshit you're taking it back i said take it back or not no no kid of mine's getting toys for nothing you get it on you got it on christmas and you got stuff on your birthday. And that was it. In the beginning of the year, you got some new clothes and a pair of sneakers for the year. Dude, this was normal. Everybody had that. And then you got a couple new pairs of pants. It was basically whatever your older sibling didn't wear out. They were then replaced with new shit.

I used to look at my older brother clocking shit going, oh, man, another year I'm going to have that shirt. Two more years, I got that shirt shirt and there was like literally shirts if you look through our family album i think i told this story and so you passed them on you passed yeah we called it the hot it was the hot dog shirt it was this crazy 70s shirt it was a hot dog with the face he was like excited to be i don't know to be a hot dog and it was sitting in a bun and he was kicking up his legs and it had like and then the sleeves were all like this crazy mustard color and ketchup color so this this shoulder was like red this one was mustard yellow and then this sleeve was mustard yellow and this one was ketchup it was fucking color it was crazy and the shirt was blue or something and it was the hot dog shirt my older brother had it then i had it and then it just went it went through it went through the whole family

wow dude that's amazing somewhere we have uh slides and a projector to prove these stories are true this is how fucking old i am dude like all this technology i think only hipsters have it now see in my house it was opposite my little brother was 10 years younger than me so when my little brother would take my shit and i'd come home and i go where's my belt and i'll be searching and i'll be yelling at my mom where's my fucking belt he better not have it he better not have it and he would have it right so then one day I lost it. My grandmother was there. My sister Carissa was there. She was she was even though he was nine years younger, she was 10 years younger. And I said there was a shirt incident. And I kept telling him, stop taking my shit. And then I told him I said and then I said to him, I said to my mother, I said, why are you taking your shit if he's that much younger than you? He just, he looked up to me. He's huge, dude. He's, my little brother's big, dude. My little brother's like 6'3".

He's just a big kid. And I said to my mother, if he takes my shirt, I'm fucking him up. And my stepfather said he should. My stepfather looked at my mother and said he should. He said, you told him four times. You told him four times. So now, now I'm old though. I'm in my 20s now. So I'm like I'm old though. I'm in my twenties now.

Like, so I'm like, I was like, I forgot what he came home. He came home off the fucking thing and he was all strutting happy. My grandmother was there. My sister was there and he fucking, he was clearly like six inches bigger than me. Big kid. And he comes in and he's got the shirt on and I fucking took him. I threw him on the ground and I just started fucking hitting him. I started beating him.

And my grandmother goes, Oh, my my little Greek Yaya. She she was like this. And my sister freaked out. My sister knew what was going to happen. But she just goes, he's choked. He's hurting him. And I just and I'll never forget my brother. My mother's my mother just like I said, I fucking told you. I said, if you come, I'm going to fuck you up gonna you up you take my shirt again this is like eight times and he stood up after i hit him he just goes you i never forget he just goes he just had so he goes you like everything came out and then like you know that was that was- But he didn't take your shit anymore, did he? No, he did not. And that was like the fucking hundredth time he did.

He didn't want to do it. And I didn't want to do it, dude. I didn't want to do that. But, you know, he's a big kid. So I don't know how that would go now, okay? He's- I had at least one to two fights every single day growing up with my like full-on fist fight for some reason it was acceptable in my house it's a lot of boys it's a lot of shit talking it's a lot of who's the i just had one older

brother for a long time and then years, a little brother and a little sister. One time my brother threw a dart that stuck in my calf. And then we swung golf clubs at each other once. That's as bad as it got. So we've only, it's only, we only had a couple of big ones. We used to beat each other the way a piece of shit beats his wife. We used to fucking keep it below here. life we used to fucking keep it below here because if because if you get because if we hit each other in the face you could also punch where the hair was and where

i used to have hair and the side of the head was okay too but you never mess with anybody's grill because then my dad would come home christ what is that he's got a black guy black guy nothing christ it's a fucking hematoma you know your brother could die and he'd break down all this medical you go to bed thinking he was gonna die so we used to beat each other from the neck down remember that charlie murphy beat down that they gave rick james and the uh that charlie murphy the rick james beat down charlie murphy yeah eddie on the couch yeah it was those oh yeah dude you know it's funny when i i finally uh got a really good masseuse you know they say like you hold

memories in your body i had like trauma and bruises just from all of this shit wow and and and like when she was getting like in like my my uh my leg the side of my leg when she was going like really fucking deep but she was like there's three layers top layer the middle layer then when i get down to the bone took it like fucking three months to get through it right and uh going there once a week hour and a half sessions dude like the memories i remember my brother had used to have these uh uh adidas varsity with the name of the sneaker and he got him and he used to just fucking just boot you in the side of the fucking leg or you'd be sitting it was weird we used to sit and we had like a couch all right and then for

some reason we had those old-fashioned milk cans and on top of it was a little TV. So you'd sit like this, and you had to watch TV like that, and then my brother would be sitting there. And when he didn't want you sitting there, he'd have his sneakers on, and he'd just go, Adidas. Just put it on the side of the fucking head. Or he would drag it down the side of your face because the the soul was brand new and he would it was funny he'd go as he made the sound effect which brother did you fight with the

most physically all of them i used to practice on the younger ones and then i would try it on my older brother and i get psyched out your older brother was the man I forget who it was but he was the main card your older brother was the main card yeah he was the main guy I couldn't I couldn't uh I could make the playoffs I just couldn't win so yeah I was over with my brother to like a 15 or 16. I finally got my first victory but uh yeah we we used to uh yeah throw each other down the fucking stairs then we'd get each other to do shit i remember we had like we had these wooden like we grew up in this old duplex right um for a majority of my childhood um we had we lived in a duplex it was one of these

houses that was made like the early 1900s so it was like fucking insane level wood so we used to try to slide down the banister my brother jumped on and he he went over the side and it had one of those those metal grates on the floor i remember him landing on it. I thought he died. So anyway, we were having this competition to see who could jump from the highest stair and make it all the way down. No, no, my little brother, he went from the top stair all the way down. It was 10 stairs. It was like some Evel Knievel shit, trying to jump buses. I remember he had his little rubber rain boots on and he fucking jumped and he went all the way down all the way down and he landed on the last step right on his ass and he was crying and i was like oh i thought you could make it i go i can make it though and i went up there got up to the top did not do the math that I was almost one and a half his size.

And I was so focused on the bottom of the stairs. I didn't see the big fucking wood thing of the second floor, dude. And I jumped. It was like, yeah, going down these stairs, dude. And from here up my giant forehead hit that fucking wood thing dude my feet went up my toes smashed into the ceiling and i landed straight down and we had this old carpet that had holes in it with like the staple sticking up yeah landed on my fucking elbow had to pull it out was one of the most fucked up i got as a kid but we did shit like that if we weren't beating the shit out of each other we were doing that and that that was just suburban shit. Forget about what all those lunatics in Boston.

That's what the maniacs were. That was just silly suburban shit now. I think nowadays you can't even get away with it. Alexis will tell on you. Or your parents have like fucking cameras in the house yeah we beat the fucking shit out of each other every single day and then we all teased the dog and the dog used to bite us thing was not i got like i got right here here here and he got me in the mouth he grabbed me i was with him with this food and he

just went rawr like that and he just grabbed my face and went like that i was like oh i thought it was deformed but it was just i'm deformed i just had the two puncture marks this thing i'll never forget it's weird I remember the feeling of his breath in my breath intertwined as he was because he was exhaling as he was doing that. And I was still in that moment. Your brain can think as fast as like, his mouth is in my mouth right now. And I'm like,

Oh yeah, I'm also might be losing a fucking eye. Dude. It's, it's amazing when you look back at the shit that happened as as kids that still i have a scar i don't i can't i have a fucking scar real bad here split christian tied a robe a robe string you know the thing around the he tied it to a dell milk crate so where the milk where they would leave that he tied it to it and he was

hanging it from the top of the stairs. We lived in a Tudor in Scarsdale and my dad was down in the city working AIG. My mom was downstairs and I'm at the bottom of the stairs looking up and he has the thing and it came untied and it crashed on my head and it split me here and blood was everywhere. And my mom took me to hospital. They had to sew my head. And my mom was like a young, my mom was young. And my mom looked at my brother. She goes, what did you do to your brother? And that fuck dude had horrified him. And there was blood everywhere. And my dad came home from work and he just saw blood and no one was home. He just saw blood everywhere. And there was no fucking, no cell phones,

no cell phones. So no, his family is not is not home his two young sons his wife is gone there's blood all over the carpets and this is like 1981 1982 so carpets were the shit this is no hardwood floor shit right like hardwood floors no carpet wall-to-wall carpeting meant you made it wall-to-wall carpeting was a luxury back then and you oh you know my dad with luxury he's like i want this whole thing laced white carpet like a fucking remember the bathroom carpet how fucking disgusting is that now all the way around the toilet oh my god oh the thing that went around the toilet and we took a shit yeah so you keep your feet warm dude i got this one i don't even see that one see that one right there i actually have a dent in my skull too like if i like this this is smooth here this is down

my brother was on a swing on the porch you know those old-fashioned ones like people would propose to each other back in the fucking day swinging on that i forget what he pissed me off and when he went up i took a broom and i just fucking speared him with it and then i let go of it and i turned and as i was running away he had the momentum of the swing and right as i got to the top swing he just gave me a little bit of a push a little draymond green action right set me fucking head over heel you know those little flagstones it was sticking up bam remember that that was my dad's day off too. I'll never forget that. Oh, for Christ's sake! I don't know what this is. Is this therapy? Did I ever tell you, Tom, I got run over by a jeep?

No! I was racing my brother home and he always could beat me because he got my dad's legs. He had big legs, right? So I would always beat him. I would always be with them. And we lived on a busy street, but then we had to go from a dead stop and our driveway to the duplex was uphill. So I was riding and I was like, well, what if I crossed the street now? It was busy. And I swear to God, I thought I looked, I just went like right out in the street and I heard, and all of a sudden, all I remember was being upside down, seeing the white bumper and feeling the heat of the engine. Once again, just like the dog. I remember the dog's breath in that moment. And it was just, bam, lights out.

And then like, I was only up for like, I don't know how long. I woke up and I was laying on the double yellow line and i looked over it was just enough time for the guy to pull over this poor i mean i went out right in front of him the biggest dude you've ever seen in your life gets out of the jeep and he's crying he's like oh my god oh my god dude and my butt i don't know what happened i don't know how i lucked out. Sometimes I think I'm actually dead and I'm just dreaming all of this shit. Because my, like, that fucking, that Tim Robbins movie, right?

Jacob's Ladder. I fucking, the bike was all mangled. Because he ran over the fucking, there was a red Columbia with a banana seat. This thing was fucking hot property back then, right? This thing was fucking run over. And I got up and he put his arm around me. You all right? You all right? I remember looking at my bike going, my dad's going to kill me. And then there was some kid, this big kid from down the street. He picked the bike up and brought it back to the house. He was built like the Hulk. It's funny. He had this little man body. He brought it back. He was built like the Hulk.

It's funny. He had this little man body. He brought it back. But you weren't under the car. You weren't under the Jeep. All I know is I went out. I remember being upside down and seeing. Jesus, dude.

Feeling the heat of the car. I still have a vivid picture of the, we had a white bumper. It was like one of those Willie's Jeeps. And, and then just waking up, he, you know,

he ran, hit me and then he pulled over. And by the time he jumped out of the car, I opened my eyes and I was laying on the double line and I stood up and I ran over to the same side of the street that I was on. And, uh, yeah, then he came running up. He got on the street, but I still remember that. Oh my God. I, then it really weirded me out to see a man crying. And, uh, yeah, then the guy grabbed the bike. No, that's my ultimate thing that I, when I drive through neighborhoods, dude, there was a teacher in my high school who unfortunately ran some, took someone's life at like 13, 12, 13 years old.

Rest in peace. And when you saw the teacher walking in the hallways, you saw it on his face. You saw it. Oh, that's it. I would kill myself. You saw it. You saw it. I wouldn't kill myself because I got kids. But if I didn't have kids, I i would kill myself you saw you saw i wouldn't kill myself because i

got kids but if i didn't have kids i would fucking kill myself no no it's like i didn't even want to bring that up but i just made me think of that that's why that guy was crying because in that moment that guy i can't imagine that guy's life was over in that moment in that moment that guy's life was over you know in in his mind and then you know fuck dude that's fucking nuts man that's fucking that's as scary as it could be i love that we're telling these fucking stories though on dude and there was another family that lived down the fucking street and they had a bunch of boys too and one of them got hit in the exact same spot and i remember he had a bag of fucking peanuts for whatever reason like the kind that you have the ball game and they were all just flattened he used to do a thing but that kid was nuts he used to see the cars and he used to try

to dart in front of him and just he'd scare the fuck out of him and just make it he played the game too many times and that's just that's fucking i mean that's like that there's no internet paul we were playing video games we could have got that out. No, me and my friend, we would throw. I just think of like what you let your kid do. All right, everybody. Oh, look who it is. It's MeUndies.

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All right. You got a blinking corner there, Bill. Huh? How about now? You fixed it. Okay. Okay. Oh, Polly McAnoodle's coming up with Cigars International.

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You got to get the windproof torches, crush-proof travel cases, and clips that attach to the cart. Bill, you started the clip thing. You got me getting them down to the fingers. You got to do it. They also have great cigar deals from their daily cigar deals to weekly specials to their Cigar of the Month Club. Cigars International is home to the largest humidor in America. All the brands you know and love are available here from big top selling international brands to small boutique cigar makers, which, like I said, man, I love all of them. I love the Nicaraguan, Dominican, Dominican Republic, Honduras, Ecuadorian, the Bahamas, American, you name it, they've got it. Don't know where to start? Don't worry.

They're the kings of making all-star sample packs. Oh, they got a good one for me. And they even put an Aurora in there, Bill. I love an Aurora. Oh, I know you love an Aurora. I love a nub. So you get a little taste of everything. I like to enjoy the Auroras. I like the Ave Maria, which is fantastic. Also, my father and Oliva cigars. Take advantage of the incredible savings. Simply go to cigars international.com and use promo code better when you're ready to check out. The website is cigars, an A, what does that mean? The website is cigars with an S? Yep. Okay. International.com, use promo code better. I promise the sticks are great. The sample packets are great and all the gadgets and stuff that they have with them. Cigars International, you will not be disappointed. What they meant, Paul, was cigars international you will not be disappointed what they meant paul was cigars is plural

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uh yeah if you want a knife big enough to stab a bear or maybe you don't even have to you just brandish it it sees it and it kind of puts its big bear paws up and backs away yeah up with spoke is the people for you get started take the quiz of box of at boxofawesome.com your answers will help them pick the right box of awesome for you you're going to open the box you can be like awesome they really they release new boxes every month across a ton of different categories. It's free to sign up and you can skip a month or cancel any time. Each box costs only 45 bucks, plus has over $70 worth of gear inside. Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at boxofawesome.com

and enter the code ANYTHINGBETTER at checkout. That's boxofawesome.com, enter the code. Anything better at checkout that's box of awesome.com code. Anything better, uh, for 20% off your first box. That's nice. We got one. I let Stacy got the Caprizi salad. She loved it. Make it on mozzarella, uh, upstart everybody upstart is a fast and easy way to pay off your debt with a personal loan all online. Whether it's paying off credit cards, consolidating high interest debt, or funding personal expenses, over half a million people have used Upstart to get a simple, fixed monthly payment. Unlike other lenders, Upstart looks at more than just your credit score, like your income and employment history. This means they can offer smarter rates with trusted

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taken charge of their mental health. Again, that's betterhelp.com slash anything better for 10% off your first month. Back then. One time, me and these four, three other Italian kids. I'm not even joking when I say the names. These are the names. It was me, Joey, and Nikki.

I swear the names. These are the names. It was me, Joey, and Nikki. I swear to God. And he said, let's go throw rocks at cars, right? Oh, yeah. And we're fucking, I'm in sixth grade, and they're in seventh and eighth. And we go down to this thing, and we get these little rocks, not big, like these little like pebble rocks. And as cars were coming to the thing, we would throw. rocks not big like these little like pebble rocks and as cars were coming to the thing we would throw true story man and we fucking one of us i don't know who it was just side-armed one and you just heard ding and it hits a thing and this

cadillac just goes and dude this cadillac backed up and you heard that it was like probably dudes in their 20s or 30s and he goes we're gonna fuck whoever did it we're gonna fuck dude it was like in a movie we went deep in these prickly bushes and we were laying next to each other like we were dead silent it's pitch black out dark these guys came out with flashlights we're fucking panicking we're freaking the fuck out and And they were going, we're going to fuck you up. And we're like, dude, we were like, we were like, right now I can almost not breathe how much fucking, I was so scared. And I'm the youngest of them. I was the youngest of them. I was in sixth and they were like, so there was like Lucas's age and then they're older

and I'm just doing it to fucking impress them. Try to get friends. I was all fucked up. I wanted to be liked that we moved a lot. And I just fucking hear these to fucking impress them Try to get friends I was all fucked up I wanted to be liked And we moved a lot And I just fucking hear these guys are getting out of the car The Cadillac is going slow And we're deep in this fucking brush, dude Deep And finally, it leaves

And we fucking get out We're all cut up And we run up this like trail And we saw a cop Cop car was up there He goes, hey, what are you guys doing? You guys, somebody call the cops Say, what's going on down there? And we were just like, no, nothing And we saw a cop cop car was up there he goes hey what are you guys doing you guys somebody called the cops say what's going on down there and we were just like no nothing and he saw if he goes you guys get out of here and we just fucking sprinted home and uh that was my

son's age now so could you fucking imagine like that throwing rocks at cars you could hurt somebody could kill somebody the stupid shit we did breaking into cars all the time oh that was like something you did back then there's a few things that's good about technologies kids don't do that anymore uh i noticed like you get on a subway in new york city everybody's looking at their phone so they're not looking at each other and there's very few confrontations you go you go to football games and shit the second there's a stoppage in play they got something going on the screen you're looking at that you're not looking at somebody else there's no fun we used to do that snowballs and shit and 10 cars would put the brakes on oh there was that one dude who just got out yo i got a guy got out of the car chased me around

went i went to test he saw his he left his door half open and he knew what I was doing. And I walk, I threw it. And his little guy was just chasing me. But that was being a kid, man. Now my son and my daughter, it's all YouTube and TikTok and like all these things. There's no stick ball on the corner. There's no fucking none of that. That's that error.

I wouldn't let my kid go down in the corner. All these fucking everything on the news got me so scared that there's a fucking pedophile behind every fucking tree. It's weird, dude. It's a weird time. It is a weird time. It's an unfortunate time, too, because, you know, you can't, you know, you said something and, like, nobody got offended back then.

Dude, the things that were said they did get offended they just couldn't voice their opinion to everybody immediately and say well you worked and shit right just had to take it back then shake it off you had to think of other insults well next time i come i'm gonna fucking say this to him see how he likes it right but that's healthier no well i mean i think like with you know black lives matter and all of that type of shit i think that that's fucking great but as far as just like you know somebody says something to you at a cocktail party now you try to end 30 years of their fucking career i think that that gets a little crazy like i gotta be to be honest with you, Paul.

Some of the shit that is said by white people about shit that happened to them, I mean, I get it. Everybody's got their pain and stuff, but to be ending people's fucking careers. Yeah, no, dude. Somebody with a fucking SUV and a fucking ridiculous fucking lifestyle. And then also, I really feel like there should be... I don't feel like there's necessarily a we're trying to make things better as much as they're applying the prison system mentality of we're just going to punish you as opposed to...

I mean, you're a human being. Everybody makes mistakes. And I think if you show yourself as someone to be like, all right, you know, you're right. I was having a bad day. I shouldn't have done this. I shouldn't have said that. Or I didn't know that me doing that was making you feel that way, you know, to give somebody an opportunity to at least make some sort of comeback. But like this whole everybody gets the fucking electric chair. I think that's that's kind of going away, though. I feel like it fucking better do like when if we walked up on the corner and one of our friends are like, nice sneakers, you fat fuck. Right. It was just you. You didn't want to be like, let's talk about this.

How do I feel? It's like, no, you would go home. You would try to lose weight or get better sneakers. Yeah, they make fun of my orange hair, you know? So then it's like, oh, fuck, it's on me. It was just like you had to get it off of you. Yeah, yeah. And then you would go to the next guy. I'll tell you what, who had it really bad, man.

The people who had it really bad was the one fat friend in every group. Because every group of friends had the fat friend. And I had a friend that he was big and he would laugh it off, dude. And I remember one time being like, dude, I know that hurts you. I remember doing that. And he was like, no, no, it's fine. And I was like, no, man, it's not. Like, you're fucking, that's fucking hurting you.

But like the fat kid in the 80s or 90s, dude, took a fucking beat. It was just a constant joke on them. I know, dude. I mean, it is. I get shit for fun. It's weird. I get shit. I make fun of silly people, but fat people are the ones that come at me the most.

Fat people come at you? Well, because I treat them like everybody else. I fucking make fun of them. You know what it is, Paul? I never really did until they were becoming heroes my shit is like i am a bald orange man like i'm supposed to fucking sit there. Oh, gee, what it's like to be you. I can't change my diet and not look like this. This is what you get. This is what it is. That car no one wants to rent at the airport.

Like, that's all you got? That's all you got? If you want Bill Burr to go at you with a target on your back, just let them put you on a pedestal for doing nothing. Let's talk about this. I have to talk about this. I talked about it a little bit on the Verzi effect, but I said I wasn't going to talk about it too much on the Verzi effect because anything better, we do get into sports.

Somebody goes, anything better, I love. But what's it about? Because you guys talk about sports. This is. Somebody goes, anything better, I love. But what's it about? Because you guys talk about sports. This is what it's about. It's about me and my fucking dear friend talking about whatever the fuck we want to talk about. That's what it's about. All right?

So fucking sign up or not. Yeah, but you know, I get what he's saying. Why the fuck are you so into sports? I'm like that with like, you know, people are into what what is that dumb video game where you build your own village in your own world and people get into that. That just seems like the dumbest. Sims. Sims. Yeah. That shit. Yeah. I don't mean like some overlord, but I feel like that's a dangerous game for white people to be playing. It's a dangerous game for white people to be playing. That's funny. Here it is, Bill.

I know you're going to start looking at me like I need help, but I'm going to now because now it's not a fluke. My New York Knickerbockers have just won 12 of the last 13 games. This is including road trip, homestand. Okay. We have won 13 of the last 16 games with not the second or third best defense in the league. The number one defense in the league. We are holding the fourth seed.

And I am telling you right now, everybody, New York city, Midtown Manhattan, MSG. We are back. We are relevant. I don't give a fuck how far we go.

When was the last time? 99-2000? 99-2000 was the last time that was Van Gundy. You guys went to the finals against the Spurs. Yeah, Van Gundy. God bless that man. He had us playing defense. Tom Thibodeau has us playing defense.

We have all bought in. We have a, now we have a MVP candidate in Julius Randle. Kids putting up 30 to 40 a night, every fucking night. We got this kid quickly off the bench. Here's the deal. This is what they did. If the New York Knicks lose in the first round, but they make it competitive. Now what they have done is they've shown that they are relevant.

Now maybe a free agent out there or somebody could go, I think I can help them. We need one more piece. But I can't tell you how thrilling it is, how unbelievable it is for me to watch my New York Knicks back and relevant after 21 years, Bill. I got it. You know how the NBA just loves stories.

Oh, of course. They're not into fan bases. They just want stories. Yeah. Right? And 58 of the best players all to be on three different teams. If the Knicks win the first round, in the second round, do they play Brooklyn? Oh, Paul.

Oh, God. And you know what? Brooklyn lost two in a row to Milwaukee recently. Let me tell you something. Let me ask you this, Paul. Two things. I want you to present both scenarios to me. Okay.

The first scenario is the Knicks win. Yeah. And beat the Brooklyn Nets in the playoffs. And then the second one, which you don't even want me to say, like the way you're, you look more uncomfortable

than when I asked if, if you'd let me take you up in a helicopter. Yeah. I would, the other one, the Knicks lose to Brooklyn. Okay. If, which one you, I'm going to do if, if the Knicks lose to Brooklyn first, if we, if we're the fourth seed and we play Atlanta, which it would look like right now, I think we beat Atlanta. We've beat Atlanta the regular season and we play Atlanta, which it would look like right now, I think we'd beat Atlanta. We'd beat Atlanta the regular season and we would have home court.

We'd have home court at MSG. We will beat Atlanta as a fourth seed in the first round. Now, if we play Brooklyn round two and we lose, it's a great year. And we played a stacked bullshit team. Paul, you have to walk around New York. That's fine. But listen.

Listening to those Brooklyn Net fans going, Brooklyn. Yeah, but here's why. Here's why it doesn't matter. Because Brooklyn has put themselves in a position where with that fucking team, they absolutely have no choice. You got James Harden, Kyriei irvin and fucking uh i understand that but you're the new york knickerbockers i know but you know we were the last lose to the fucking new jersey nets who in all fairness when they started with the new york nets

um i'm gonna give you the area'm going to give you a scenario. I'm going to give you a scenario too. And I want everybody listening to this to know that this is going to happen. If the New York Knicks go to the second round and beat the New Jersey Nets, if they beat the Brooklyn Nets in round two, I will stand on my couch shirtless. I will take a bottle of dom perignon okay first of all everybody's getting if they do to everyone's getting dom and that dom perignon

and and strawberries all over and then i'm dumping white strawberries you ever have fucking champagne with strawberries incredible you never had champagne with strawberries no like in what am i on a fucking white horse in a romance novel? Dude, let me tell you something. You owe it to yourself. You sit around with other men and you have champagne and strawberries? Dude, I'm going to tell you something right now. You put a fucking great bottle of champagne chilled,

pour yourself one in a flute, okay, and fucking bite into a strawberry and mix it with the fucking thing. It's incredible. I'm not too proud to say that i'll fucking have i'll fucking let you feed it to me i don't give a fuck all right so listen listen i will i guess i've had an orange peel in a blue moon well i'm telling you cognac and a stick dude if champagne and strawberries for everybody that is the funniest fucking thing ever i like everybody's getting pedicures there will be champagne strawberries we are going crazy no dude if i will fucking lose my mind, I'll be FaceTiming with Jerry Ferrara. Hey, I'm Barney McAnudo.

Is there anything better than a fucking strawberry with some champagne? After the Knicks beat the fucking Brooklyn Nets? Dude, I'll FaceTime you dumping champagne on the head. Bill, we did it. We beat those fuckers. I can't believe it. But then here's the problem. Then I would think that we were going to win the championship.

That's what would happen. If we ended up beating Brooklyn, I think that we would going to win the championship. That's what would happen. If we ended up beating Brooklyn, I think that we would end up winning the championship. And I might get heartbroken. The Lakers are going to the finals. They told you that with the all-star game, when they named the two teams after the top players at both teams, it's not a league.

It's ridiculous. It is. So what it used to be the best against the best. Yeah. I don't know what it is now. Now it's like, uh, I don't know what I'm fucking watching.

Did you, uh, did you, what do you feel about the new, um, the draft? What do you think about the NFL draft? And you guys got that Mac,

uh, Mac, was it Mac Jones? Yeah. I don't know anything about him. Alabama. All you hear about is Nick Saban and fucking their running backs and their wide receivers.

I don't think they're – they used to be known as the quarterbacks way back with Joe Namath and Ken Stabler. I'm trying to think of the last quarterback coming out, but all the stuff that they said, this guy sounds totally like a Belichick type of a guy. Yeah. And, you know. How about your boy Aaron Rodgers? And Coach Bill Belichick, I trust always.

How could you not? And I think that he is happy that Tom won, but he's also as competitive as they get. So it's like, okay. And I love that all these stupid sports writers yeah me tom is better than bill it's like okay keep saying that keep pissing him off he never he never drafts anybody in the first round ever no this time he went after that kid that kid fell right into the and that kid is a pocket passer, man. It's exactly what you guys would look for.

But dude, Aaron, our boy, Aaron Rogers said, call teammates. I'm not coming back. He's done. He's fed up. He said, he's not coming back now. His list of three has gone to a list of six. And it looks like the Raiders looks like the broncos 49ers there was giants which i don't know how they would do that he's a 37 year old quarterback but aaron rogers is gonna

it looks like he's done in green bay which is pretty fucking interesting to see because wherever he goes he's gonna go go they're gonna go on a run guy was mvp last year you think he's going to leave? No, he's leaving. Yeah. From what they're saying, it went from – from what they're saying now, not only did he say it can't be repaired or that he doesn't – that he's calling teammates.

Teammates are now saying he's calling them saying, like, it's over. Did you hear about the Tony Krause thing today? No, what's that? He said that there was that it got leaked somehow. There was a group message of players going around where he compared the GM, I'm blanking on his name, Green Bay's GM to Tony Kraus during the Bulls. Oh, you mean Jerry Kraus.

Jerry Kraus, Jerry Kraus. Sorry, yeah, yeah, Jerry Kraus. What's the significance of that? I don't get that. That he broke up, that he was the guy that was given, if you remember. Oh, the guy from the bulls yeah yeah yeah uh i think aaron rogers was really upset that they drafted a quarterback last year he said it was a waste of a pick and he also can't believe that they went for a field goal in that last drive in the nfc championship game and he's basically saying fuck this organization. I'm out.

But now it's like, for real, somebody on ESPN just reported, they said it would take a miracle for him to go back to green Bay. So now there's like six teams that kid's going to play for. Do you understand dude? Like like playing quarterback in green Bay. I know is center field for the Yankees. It is. It is.

And to get to that frigging place with a guy that got you. How many rings he got? You got one or two? He's got one. He's got one. I mean, the guy last year showed no signs of even remotely falling off. He looks like he's still in his prime. MVP.

How the hell did it get to that point where you're going to lose this guy? I also think probably the nail in the coffin was watching Tom Brady leave the Patriots, go to the Buccaneers. I mean, was that game where they didn't go for it? Was that against the Buccaneers? Or was that, who was that against? Oh, that's a good, yeah. Oh, no, wait. No, yeah, it must have been because he beat the Buccaneers.

It was. Yeah, they beat the Saints. They beat the Buccaneers. That was another thing about that run, not to go on my Tom Brady thing here, but he also beat, like, a Hall of Fame quarterback. He beat Mahomes. He beat fucking Aaron Rodgers. It's the most ridiculous thing.

It's one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen in sports. And Drew Brees. Year one, new team, new coach, new receiver. I mean, guy guy goes in there human dude he's not he's not human but i'll tell you um oh i mean okay which one of those teams you think is the best fit you give that guy some receivers and some defense vegas saying vegas vegas Vegas. Who are you saying? Vegas. Vegas. The NFL's so nuts. He went like this. I'm like, the Vikings? I don't know, man. I heard that he's a California kid. So I think his dream would be the 49ers, but they just drafted that one kid and they have Garoppolo. So I don't think that that's going to happen. The weird thing is the Giants just got in the mix yesterday because the GM of the Giants go, we're all in on Daniel Jones. And then now

he kind of goes, well, we'd look at all possibilities. It's like, listen, as much as any team likes their quarterback, if Aaron Rodgers wants to play for you coming off an MVP season, you're going to get two years from that guy. He's 37 years old. You're going to get two years from that guy. You could go deep. And we got Barkley coming back. You got Barkley. Yeah. And you've got a great defense. I mean, you got to try that. I heard he wants to go West coast first. I heard he did say Vegas, Denver, or the 49ers. It's going to be interesting to see him in another uniform, but this is what's amazing is because of the internet. You heard that because people talk and it gets out there and it

gets in the news cycle back in the day i don't even know this shit happened all of a sudden it'd just be blockbuster trade and rogers goes which was cool right now it's adam schaefter adam schaefter is the guy that like he's like the fuck like if adam schaefter is like oh adam schaefter reported this like that's his job is to call every team and do this shit. You know? But I agree with you, Bill. I think that Tom Brady is a big catalyst. I think Tom Brady doing what he did makes Rodgers go on the one more.

Well, I'll tell you this right now. If he goes to the Raiders, there's going to be champagne and strawberries. The Raiders. In Vegas. A guy like Darth Vader with a fucking strawberry in his hand. If the New York Knicks win, I'm going to have champagne and strawberries. It's the funniest fucking thing. I thought you were fucking with me.

No, dude. Ask your wife or anybody. Dude, when you have a strawberry, that's a part of a thing. Like if you go to like a five-star restaurant, I mean a hotel. Can you put that on a T-shirt for me, Andrew? That's a part of a thing. No, no, no. No quotes.

Hey, that's a part of a thing. Like a five-star hotel. You're like, hey, I want strawberries and champagne. That's a thing. I've never seen that on the menu. Matter of fact, what was the movie, Pretty Woman with Garen and Roberts? Well, I was just about to say it's a very romantic way to have champagne. It's a very chick flick thing.

Okay, so yeah, Richard, I could see getting strawberries and champagne for Julia Roberts. I just don't see me hanging in your man cave. My man cave. And also... My man cave is different, dude. My man cave has oysters and fucking shrimp, dude. I'm not doing the

buffalo wings and pizza always. I do the buffalo wings and pizza. You owe it to yourself to do a cold raw bar when you have a get-together for a game. Hey, I got one for you. I got a hot take for you. Is there anything better? I got, I got. Yeah, dude.

You know what? I'm going to get some of those for my wife this weekend. I got one for you, Paul. Yeah. Here's a hot take for you. We're going to go food here for a second. Not to step on DeRozan's Sal. I think chicken wings with blue cheese dressing is fucking overrated.

Blue cheese dip. I fucked. It's disgusting. Wow. Really? Dude. You go ranch over blue cheese? I don't like buffalo wings.

Even boneless. You just don't like chicken. No, I like chicken. You just don't like a wing. just don't like chicken no i like chicken you just don't like a wing you don't like a hot i'm just not into it it gets all over your fucking face and then just the animals that are usually around you when you're eating those things it just reminds me how dumb i am if you're a dude you are surrounded by a bunch of bald idiots like me just just non on the fucking thing there's something really uh like there's no way to look at somebody you have to kind of have some sort of love for somebody to watch him eat chicken wings you just do you if you watch a complete stranger eat chicken wings

it's you're gonna have like murderous thoughts like if like dude if you're on a fucking plane and somebody brought buffalo wings and sat next to you was like you'd be like i'm gonna fucking open this emergency door and suck us both out it's fucking disgusting i gotta give you that but that said a hot a spicy wing with with blue cheese is delicious but there is something low class about a beer a guy drinking a beer with fucking even wet naps when a fucking adult hot sauce goatee around his yeah i give you that uh i mean to say wings are overrated though is that's a big statement bill it's a big state they are they're fucking messy they're not you feel like shit after you eat them and you always and the thing is you don't feel like you're getting full and you're

down you're eating like four chickens before your brain's like going all right all right i think we're good and then you're full of blue cheese you got your big dumb winter coat on you start waddling towards the stadium somewhere around the third quarter you start paying for your sins and now you got to go down to some piss trough and hope that somebody's not in the in the handicap one you know the one that actually gives you enough space so you don't have to look at somebody else's shoes while you're taking a shit i'll tell you those handicap people don't know how good they got it oh you got me crying dude um if you had to go what's your go-to burger what's your go-to burger as far as like bun

and toppings and and the whole fixings what do you do oh just simple less is more you go seedless bun or no um it's got to be a smaller one man i don't like a giant burger and i like a smaller that whole fucking thing where you got that you know that what's what's that fucking fast food joint out here the whole big thing was guys eating shit with stuff dripping off carl's jr carl's jr they can go fuck themselves i like uh there's a new way that people are cooking burgers so dude they flatten them out and then they so it's juicy in the middle and crispy on the outside like a nice piece of cheese and whatever ketchup and pickles i'm good i don't need all of that other shit no all the other shit what people try to put like uh you know i actually

have nutmeg in my no no oh just trying to be different stop banging uh all right so i mean i don't know what she's doing um anyway this show's new paul we got a low budget here you know so so anyway um it's gonna drive hold on a second i can hear it now i can hear it hold on a second andrew we gotta we gotta hold on no no no we gotta keep this we absolutely to keep this. We absolutely got to keep this. He's such a good dad, you know? The old school dad. Hey! Hey!

Shut the fuck up up there. Aaron Rodgers to the Raiders. With John Gruden. That's why I want to see that. Yeah, I want to see that more than any other team. I actually think Aaron Rodgers and John Gruden would be really, really fun to watch. Two just fucking, oh, my God, John Gruden right now. Can that guy even sleep right now thinking about possibly getting Aaron

Rogers? I know. And I don't think that he's too keen on like Derek Carr. It seems like they had a little bit of a, you know, like a back and forth. Derek Carr played great last year. Derek Carr would have a couple of really good games, but then he would do stuff. Here's the bottom line. If Aaron Rodgers wants to go

somewhere, a coach has to make that decision to bench his quarterback. That's it. You're talking about a fucking top quarterback of all time here as far as what he can do on the field. Easy conversation. Even the Giants. Derek, it's Aaron Rodgers. Daniel Jones,

you're going to sit and teach. This guy's 37. Just hang out with us. You're the guy next, but you're young. It's fucking Aaron Rodgers. Yeah. Hold on. I got to get for three years.

It's going to be all champagne and strawberries after. I'm not going to bring that up again. No, no. I love it. I love it. I go burger. I go, it's got to be a nice soft bun. I could go seeds or no seeds. Okay. Medium rare, medium to medium rare. I go one piece of American cheese, just one. Okay. Lettuce, tomato, onions, either grilled or caramelized, depending on my mood. But all I do after that

is I just throw mayonnaise and jalapenos over. What do you put on it? Mayo. Mayonnaise? It's mayonnaise. Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise. Not mayonnaise. Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise. Not mayonnaise. Mayonnaise. What did I say? Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise. You said May. I go May-ays? May-ays? Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise. No? Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise. Like man and then A's. Like April, March, April, May-nays.

It's mayonnaise. Bill Burr making a big statement on Anything Better, episode 15. Chicken wings with blue cheese over ranch. I don't want to do that because that's what Sal and DeRosa do. No, I'm just saying that's a big statement. I would say that they're good, but they are messy. But I really got to say blue cheese over ranch, dude. You like blue cheese on a salad dude blue cheese is like it's like shit nuggets of cheese in like i don't

know what it is it's just i actually think it's rotten cheese it's wrong is what it is there's a lot of obnoxious fucking cheese out there, and blue cheese is the tip of the iceberg. Okay. All right. Well, listen, man. Paul, I like a cheese that knows its place. Okay?

You're here to enhance stuff. You're not here to be the center of attention. Okay? You're like number eight on the call sheet. I'll be walking around with some diva fucking attitude i went to that time when i was in uh somewhere in scandinavia and uh was it norway i don't know where the fuck i was and we me and my wife went to this fucking place like somebody's house it looked like this restaurant and dude it was like a fucking 19 course meal it was fucking nuts they just kept bringing shit out and every time we thought it was the last thing like we i mean we couldn't

eat anymore but we were visitors to the country so we didn't want to upset them and then the dessert was they brought out both of us these little long little things and each was a different cheese okay and dude these cheese put it mildly were fucking beyond loud like you take a bite into it and like your eyes and your nose and shit like my wife is i can't fucking eat it and i'm like this is disgusting and i just kept eating it because i've been raised not to waste food so then my wife goes, what are you doing? Stop it. Stop it.

And then it became funny to me that if I just keep eating this shit, because it was upsetting my wife saying how sick I was going to get. And I ate this shit, dude. My eyes, my nose, everything was just running. And I was beet red laughing. It was one of the hardest laughs we had. She was dying laughing. I was eating a fucking, it was like in that Coney Island hot dog eating contest.

I was just getting, they do, they were like these fucking, you know those old school big thick erasers, like that much chunk of fucking cheese. And yeah, I paid for that one and lost my sobriety like two days later.

I've been sober for a year and two days. Wow. Like a fucking night later, I was in some ice bar it was all ice and i was drinking vodka yeah dude that's all you got to tell me you put me into an ice bar you're gonna fucking have to fucking slide me out what the fuck is an ice bar i never even heard of it and we just went into it it was a total tourist trap and we're just sitting there you know fuck global warming let's you know let's make this thing right slamming these things and uh i was

just like yeah you know i'll just drink tonight then i'll go right back on the wagon bill what would happen if me and you were in iceland and they brought us into a bar that was all made of ice and just said you guys anything you want and just pour me drink you'd have to fucking it would be you'd have to call my wife and fucking be like what are we doing with the body but it's weird dude you're freezing cold. Oh, dude, I don't give a fuck. I would drink vodka until I wasn't. No, an ice bar is a little overrated because you go in there and everybody's all bundled up.

You can see your breath and shit. You know what you feel like? You feel like you're in the thing. Remember that from a long time ago? Yeah. The thing or some shit from the early 80s that's what i felt like i felt like some sort of monster was gonna come in because you know norway dude norway has like death metal bands where like members have actually killed

other members of bands and they're walking around on the street yeah that's you find them dude the sun never fucking rises there's way up in the north They just fucking hide up there in the woods Making them That's true That's Norway All right, I gotta go pick up my kid at school All right, guys

Well, listen We're gonna do a segment next week, guys So right in this week We're gonna do a segment Where we do better or worse So Yeah, you wanna do a bet where we do better or worse. Yeah, you want to do a bet for next week? Yeah, what do you got?

Let's pick teams. Where do you think Aaron Rodgers goes? I'm going to say the Denver Broncos. I'm going to say something fucking crazy. What? I think he goes to Seattle, they move their quarterback and he signs with the Raiders oh wait a minute but you promised

you know there's no inside information here oh you motherfucker you would have taken that money how the fuck would I know that oh okay you think they're fucking calling me I said you would have taken that money? How the fuck would I know that? Oh, okay. You think they're fucking calling me? I said you would have taken the money. I still owe you money for the Super Bowl. No, by the way, that was actually mentioned as an option.

Was it? Because I know he wasn't happy. No, it was actually mentioned as an option. But I heard all the teams that we mentioned were mentioned. I heard Denver was mentioned, now the Giants. So we don't know. Don't take away my Seattle. I'll take that bet.

Don't take that away from me. But don't take away that I came up with that scenario without watching one of those dumb shows. No, no, no, no. I'll take that. I still owe you two hundred. I came up with that with my own stupid brain. I owe you. And if elected.

I owe you. I think I owe you two. But you owe me a steak dinner. We're going to change as a team during the offseason. So ESPN has something to talk about. Guys, next week, write in to us. We're going to do a segment called Better or Worse. So you just write in to us what you think is anything better

or you think anything worse. We will read the anything better is the anything worse. We'll riff about it. We'll have a good time with it. Please review and rate the Anything Better podcast. Go get it on iTunes, Spotify, everywhere you get your podcast. Rate and review. It makes the show go up.

If you guys have anything better you want to say or anything worse, send those in. We will scan them. Put them in the YouTube comments because we don't have an email. So YouTube comments or tweet at Paul. Yeah, or tweet. But don't do anything stupid. Don't be like, is there anything better than a blowjob in a movie theater. Why would you do that?

Now that's exactly what they're going to do. Aaron Rodgers goes to Seattle. Russell Wilson goes to the Raiders. And that becomes the hottest ticket in the NFL. Those two games a year where they play each other. And Pete Carroll will go, woo, every time they score. And John Boone will be like this. And everybody's going to have a great fucking time.

All right. Well, I think's going to have a great fucking time. All right. Well, I think he goes to the Broncos. God, I don't want Aaron Rodgers paired up with that khaki-wearing fucking douche. That guy will fucking – Sneaky Pete will fucking sing like a jaybird if you guys both ever got arrested together. Oh, Sneaky Pete would save his own ass. The way he ran out the back door at USC. Sneaky Pete would have a wire in a heartbeat.

I think he's wearing one. All right. And he goes, when they score, this was a good one. 15 was a good one. Episode Patrick Mahomes. This was a great one.

Guys before I've told you this, the last hall of fame quarterback to wear 15 jeff hofstetler nope oh he put it up there right there you ruined it oh bart star star who's still alive oh he has to say oh vinsanity that's a nice one um oh carmelo with not anymore but um nice one uh oh carmelo it was not anymore but um without a mustache okay there's some oh not a fan anyway why not a fan because he reminds you how short you were and he fucking overachieved no he's always complained he was always at a chip on his shoulder i get it though let me always complain what when we fucking beat you guys in the playoffs? Oh, here we go.

No, he was just one of those fucking... What are you talking about, Paul? We fucking... We beat you guys since 04. Every time we've met in the fucking playoffs. You know it's true. I just don't like him. What does that have to do with the series?

You wouldn't love him if he played for the Yankees, you fucking asshole. I like Chuck Knobloch, that little fucking guy running around. Well, you got salty on that one. I'm just saying I like the kid. Because you saw all these, like, yeah, because you're a, you want you up, Paul? You're a stealth Yankee cunt. I'm not. You are.

I don't like the Red Sox, but that kid was one of those. Hey, how about this? I told you I love Terry Francona. He was my favorite manager when he was a fucking Red Sox manager. Because he has the olive skin with his fucking shaved head. You'd let him come in and fucking eat strawberries and champagne with you. I know how you feel. If that guy was as pasty as me, like little Dustin Pedroia,

tell him to go fuck you some. I got to go get my kid. All right, man. This is episode 15, guys. You were great. Till next week. We're out of here. Thank you.