Anything Better? - Everybody Lives

Episode Date: April 3, 2021

Is there Anything Better than Bill and Paul talking about pet health care, Lawrence Welk, and local scenes.

so paul you said you said you said that you had a really crazy week and i want to know about it because i i oh i had a great week paulie oh yeah it's hard to watch you with that big fucking white bandage on your finger i got three a Flintstone thing. I got three stitches. All right. Let's get into the show here. We're into the show already, Paul. Oh, all right. Well, I think- The show is happening.

Oh, shit. Were you supposed to do an intro? Well, I'll do it now. You know what? All right, do an intro. Dude, is there anything better than starting your podcast with a nice intro? What's up, everybody? And welcome back to your favorite hour of the week, the Anything Better podcast with myself, Paul Berzy and Bill Burr. This is episode 11,

Phil Simms. Who else is 11, Bill? Kyrie Irvin? Drew Bledsoe? Drew Bledsoe? No, Drew Bledsoe's 10. Drew Bledsoe? No. Drew Bledsoe's 10. No, he's 11. Is he? Yes. No.

Oh, you want to bet on that? He's 9. You want to take some? I'll take that action, Paul. No, no, he's 9. He's not 11. Andrew, what number is Drew Bledsoe? He's 11.

No, he's not. Put some money on him. Wow. There he is. We're at number 11. No, he's not. Put some money on it. Wow. There he is. We're at number 11. Oh, my God. I'm thinking Drew Brees. Dude, I'm having the worst week, Bill. I am having, I just lost $800.

I don't think you had a worse week than me, but let's hear about it. Well, first of all, okay. I'm just going to get into this. I'm just going to get into my bad week this i'm just gonna get into my bad week and then we'll get into your bad week i had a great week and then one thing went wrong go ahead um as you guys know i have i have two cats we have a lot of animals in my house okay we got the dog one of them oh sorry yeah i'm the. Hey. Kids got guinea pigs, but these two cats mean a lot to me. Okay?

Stacy and I, one of the cats was Stacy's 26-year-old birthday gift. Okay? His name is Thomas. Then we got his real brother the next day, and they were seven weeks old, this big. And this is before anything. This is before everything in my life. Did the cats run into each other and be like, wait a minute minute i didn't know i had a brother like one of those those you ever see those triplets that didn't oh no no no these guys these guys were same litter in this all they know

is each other okay and they're gigantic they're 16 years old now one's got diabetes but other than that is okay and now the thomas the the one that I got Stacy at 26 is not eating, which is a really bad sign. Given him that hypertension. Now I'm just looking at, he's looking at his food. You got cats. Are you living with stockbrokers? You seem like human being diseases. Yeah, they do. They get leukemia. My guinea pig's got a temper, you know, it's very verbally abusive to the other one. Dude, i mean it's true though the guinea pigs picky fucking i mean it's anyway so i'm a little more i'm attached to the i'm attached to them because i've had them for 16 years they're part of my life they're part of my history and

i'm seeing this guy not eating now my wife doesn't want me to you know obviously don't want to keep spending money on the animals if just let them live out because a cat's life expectancy is 13 to 16. I got him to 16. One guy said, oh, you're going to have these things for 15 years. I was like, don't worry, buddy. It's going to be more than that. Okay. You bet the over Paul. You're a positive guy. Absolutely. So now he's better than when somebody says your cat's going to die in 15 years and you come by walking it on a leash at 16. I'll get this deal with a cat, whatever you do with a cat. Well, the doctors say getting a cat to 20 is the

equivalent of from what he's seen in his 40 years experience. A cat getting to 20 is the equivalent of a human being getting to a hundred. It happens, but it's very rare. So I see my cat not eating. I see the look in his eye. He looks, he's dehydrated. So I take him and I don't know if he's going to be put down. So I'm already in a bad mood. I'm driving there. My wife's going, where are you going? I'm like, I'm going to do what I fucking have to do here.

We're fighting about it. So I go there. Wait, wait, what's she saying? Take it out in the yard. He's working. No, no, no. She's working. She's going like, what's going on?

Who's got the kids? I'm going, I'm taking a cat to the hospital. She didn't even hear me. She's like, where were you? Anyway, they call me up and they're like, it's going to be like $700. We're going to do a leukemia check. We're going to do a senior cat check. We're going to do all these things. We're going to give him something. He's dehydrated. We're going to put something, we're going to inject something under his fur. That's going to hydrate him. I'm also want to give him anti-nausea so he starts eating again. So I'm like, yeah, sure. The cat isn't triggered too. Right. I'm like, I'm like, yeah. Okay. Yes.

Whatever you got to do, but things live with me here, dude, this is a true story. Okay. I took my cat to the vet and we didn't know if he was coming back. The other one, the one with diabetes and Lucas sound like Bruce Springsteen songs. I feel like you're at somebody going to Vietnam or something, dude. And Lucas is crying. They kiss the cat on the head. I'm going, I'm looking at this thing. Like, I don't know what's going to happen. I say to the lady, what's it going to take? She goes, I think he's going to be okay. This is what we have to do. He's going to stay overnight. They said to me, which my wife got upset with. They said to me, if the cat, if we lose the cat, do you want a sign of do not resuscitate? This is 100% true.

Do you want a sign of do not resuscitate or resuscitate? I go, what does that mean? Fucking cat, Paul. She goes, for $400, if he loses, if his heart stops, we'll bring him back. I looked at the lady like, I'll kill you for the cat. Yes, resuscitate. I don't give a fuck.

Dude, yes. I can't believe people are this attached to cats. They're so fucking aloof, man. I feel like they're the only person you went to school with for like 12 years, but you never really talked. Dude, my cat runs to me like a dog. He was on my chest last night. He's the best. He's the best, dude.

Guys, come here. They run down the stairs. Guys, come here. Run down the stairs. All right. I'm going to get a bunch of shit from cat people here. No, she goes, would you want to resuscitate him? Yeah. Dude, I'll put my daughter want to resuscitate him? Yeah.

Dude, I'll put my daughter's guinea pig on life support. I don't give a fuck, dude. We live. Everything lives that I pay for and that we love is going to live. Okay? I'm serious, dude. I'm like, and, you know, Stacy, my wife. What's the overrunner on this guinea pig?

Seven years? So Stacy is my wife. Three thousand dollars on the eight. In my bookie. You got that in the bet you said anything anytime anywhere come on man you're gonna stick to your fucking word here or what uh you see a bunch of degenerates at the pet store like an otb what do you got with that he walks funny he walks funny take the under take the under As he's limping as a kitten He's limping as a kitten So

So anyway Stacey's going Paul They're ripping us off He's 16 years old You know And she's like You're gonna pay $700

And I'm like yeah And now I gotta fly to fucking Oklahoma tomorrow Seven in the morning My kids gotta go to my mother I'm stressed out Okay And now I worry about

One of my cats dying I gotta give you know seven fucking hundred big ones over they shaved the cats like chest to prep them and they gave him a little gown with a little hat on him no what you're walking away from no he's a little you know he's got listen they checked his ears he's good his eyes good he's good still runs still jumps you know dude cat's a hall of famer dude the kid left a dead mouse on the uh on the welcome mat every day for months different mouse different like hall of fame no you love a shit talker and you love a shit talker yeah it's like let's see what i did i can do this all day he dragged in a chipmunk dead he bludgeoned it and dragged a big chipmunk in. And Stacey just goes, I just hear Stacey go, okay, yeah, good job.

Get it out. Because he just wanted to show. Because they want to show. They want to show you. And he dragged in a big chipmunk. He pulled a robin. We watched him pull a robin out of a robin swooped down. And he grabbed it.

And he just beat it to death. Just left it in the garage. I mean, the kid is crushing it. So I'm not letting him go out. They do this shit more, right? They get real low when they see something. And then if it's either above them or something they could pounce on, they just, they whacked it. Like they're, they're super fast and agile, you know? And listen, I love my dog. I love dogs too. I get that dogs are more emotionally there, but when you have a cat for seven, from seven weeks old to 16, I can't just be like,

ah, put them down. I can't, I'm going to fight for the cat seven weeks old to 16 I can't just be like I put him down I can't I'm gonna fight for the cat so that's what I'm dealing with right now what am I what are you gonna do I never had cats growing up so I I don't know the cats are uh you know they're a little weird that big cat liked you when you slept over my house that time I remember you were in the guest room when he was next to your head I I get along with him, but I don't trust him. What is that? The national debate has simmered since 2013 by Smithsonian's Migratory Bird Center and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, concluding that cats kill up to 3.7 billion birds and 20.7 billion small animals annually in the United States.

Dude, there was one year my cats had probably 40 mouse count and multiple birds in the garage. They're just killers, dude. They're just silent. Just anything. Rodents, bugs, they just kill them. They pounce on them. That's why I don't like cats. You fucking walk into a room, you turn around, you catch them. They're like practicing killing you. They're like stalking you. It's like I'm putting food in your fucking dish, you cunt. Is anything more beautiful than a white tiger, though, huh? A white tiger is the one that Mike Tyson. That is the ultimate in elegance, Paul.

Can you imagine an all-white living room? Dude, how Italian are you in all white living room with an Italian fucking I meant an Italian tiger a white tiger you're making me feel better man I'm having a bad day when you fucking hit

the way I know you're gonna hit you should get a white tiger and then on top of that you get him a fucking gold chain around its neck oh my god somebody's got to photoshop that just a big white tiger with the tiger bill the tiger fucking loves me mike tyson nothing but steak uh mike tyson talked about his white tiger he was was like, I love you. He was like, I used to, you know, he had a Mike Tyson, like during his like 87, 88 Tyson, he had a white tiger on a chain outside of his house, the way Tony Montana did.

And there's like pictures of him like playing with it. And it is, I mean, it's obviously ridiculous, but probably one of the most beautiful, I mean, even the black, the black panther, if you ever see a black panther just sleeping in a tree, cats are, what's wrong? Oh no, they're gorgeous, dude. They're absolutely go. I wouldn't say they're about cats, but like they're gorgeous. Like real cats are gorgeous, but like, I wouldn't have one as a pet, you know? And then as far as like, you know, cats themselves, I don't know. They're very, uh, you know, know the in the box and you got to

go clean it up and stuff there's a lot there's a lot to it you've been doing that for 17 years paul paul you're going to heaven dude you're right you're listen a whole house full of kids and menagerie is that what they call it with the animals but listen to this man this is a weird thing sophie and i were driving home from ice skating the other day and we saw a bobcat for the first time i go soft stuff and we saw a bobcat for the first time I go so soft and I got a picture of it but it's a no joke dude I saw a bobcat and he stopped and he looked and he had the black on top of the ears and he was running it was unreal man unreal yeah now this happens to my cat this week so I'm just having a you know I don't know and then my

mind I have that Tony Soprano thing I'm going did i see that bobcat with my daughter because my cat thomas is gonna go i'm nuts i'm nuts and i've been breaking your balls the whole time i didn't know that you really you really like this cat i had him dude i had him i break i think like maybe months before i met you so i gave him to stacy on his 26th on her 26th birthday and and uh yeah we've had them now paul if i had a cat that fucking long i'd be doing the exact same thing you did okay i mean look what i did with my dog i was thinking about the joke you did about your dog how you got like emotional when she left and i'm just thinking like how can i be this emotional dude i when i knocked when i knocked phone

cable internet, I was 21 years old and I had a team under me. I was a supervisor knocking doors. And this old Russian guy, I never forget this guy's name. This guy, Steve, Russian. He was probably in his forties at the time working under me, killer salesman, Russian accent. And he swear to God, hand to God, he said this. I said this on the Verzi Effect years and years ago. But he called me up and he goes, Paul, Paul, it's Steve. I listen. I can't come to work. He goes, my cat, he die.

I'm sick. Dude, I fucking went like this. He just goes, my cat, he die. He's my best friend, Paul. I'm sick. I can't come to work. And, dude, I just was like, no, it's all right. I'm crying because it's like this tough Russian accent.

And he's just talking about. And when he said I'm sick, I can't. He's my friend. And like, I actually laughed it laughed then. But now I'm going when I'm not going to cry. I'll be honest with you. When one of my cats go, I'm not going to cry, but it's going to be a piece of my history gone. I got two friends of mine back home.

Their cats died. They gave them cpr and they brought them back so like i had my fingers are going like that you blew into a fucking cat's mouth he goes dude i fucking love that dick brought him back dude when you're laying there watching the game and they just kind of come up and then they start purring and pop on your chest one of my cats does this to me while i watch the game and i'm like all right dude i know but let me what I like. I'm like, I'm the thing's going to die. I'm going to fucking be like, it's nothing. No, no, no, no. I'll fight my wife. I'll fight my wife. I'll me and my wife will fight about this because I'll pay. I'll pay, you know. But anyway, enough about me and the cats. I don't know what's going on. But i listen man if i love something if i love

something make no mistake about this if paul bursey loves something it's all love and it's all the way but paul just for the listeners at home what are you trying to say here i don't think you've made this point yet it's fucking hilarious dude you make a point and then you keep making it yeah i love that about you. Drives my wife crazy. No, if you live, if you, you know, you're in my house, you're going to live. Everything lives. Dude, if you're in my house, you're in Paul Verzi's house, you're going to fucking, you

think I give a fuck? You're living. 10 minute play that you're still fucking talking about. I love it. What? Yeah. There's something about animals that because they never gave you shit and because they never hurt you you know whether it's your cat your dog that you're sitting with and that

bonding time they've never hurt you they've never took trust away they've never done anything that made you go you selfish asshole why did you do that and people that kind of lead a double life of like fucking you they're like that hit man yeah it's all right though i don't ask questions i don't ask questions they're like the ice man when he's putting together the bicycle and he thought about that guy hang on a second he had to go out and go fucking kill him and then come back oh yeah dude the worst is when somebody tells you that they're going to put their dog down and on the drive the dog is looking at them knowing. And my dude that happened when my dogs, my mom was like, he knew he looked like. All right, man, I've had my I've had my dog run.

Thank you for the yard. Thank you for the food. It's time to go. And they sense your feeling. That's brutal. Unless you're a sociopath. Ah, buddy, we'll go for a ride. No, you know, I was just picturing you bringing your dog to go get put down

was Abe Vigoda and the first fucking godfather. And he looks at Mike, he's like, you know, one more time for old time's sake or something like that. Sorry, man. Oh, he says it to Tom Hagen. Yeah, sorry, man. Can't do it. Yeah. What do you think, Tom? Get me out

of it. Get me off the hook just one time for all time. He goes, sorry, what was his name in it? Oh, what was his name in it? Sally. So he goes, sorry, Sally. Yeah, man. I look at it like this. If the dog or the cat can get to life expectancy and they've had the life, the cats have killed all the mice they could kill. They've knocked out some birds. They live the cat life. Good. But I'm going to do everything I can. Here's the other thing, too.

I told my wife, I go, if the doctor tells me his vitals are good and he's not suffering, he's staying up. As soon as I hear my cat is suffering, I'm not going to be one of those lunatics. Right. I talked to somebody imagine if there was no cats how many fucking birds they'd be i wouldn't be able to see the sun killing a billion birds a year it's really ridiculous and it's a statement uh how what great killers cats are that you know if i can fly and you're on the ground you ain't killing me

if you don't have an anti-aircraft gun right yeah that's that's fucking bananas and the crazy thing is when we see the giant hawks hawks are contemplating any kind of rodent or something that they could actually take and ours are ours are just too big they can't get them but there's been you can youtube cats being like kittens just get taken up or you know it's cool i think about that every time i go in the backyard with my son because we got hawks around here so i always make sure papa bear is right there and i always tell my wife that i talk about the coyotes like late at night those fucking things well they're not gonna take a child what a bird they're gonna take it really they could I don't fucking I'm not gonna be the fucking guy that finds out this was a rare one never seen this before then I'm on the news like

I was holding on to the first time I went to take my daughter outside that was the first thing I thought of I thought of a bird of prey swooping in to take my beautiful daughter. And in my head, I ripped the thing's fucking leg off and stabbed it to death with its own talons. And I think it was an eagle, too. And I like to think I'm patriotic. I found an article, five birds that could steal your toddler. That's just clickbait. Okay.

Golden Eagle, Marshall Eagle, Stellar Sea Eagle. Yeah. They're all Eagles. Well, dude, an Eagle's talent.

I don't think they could take a kid, but an Eagle's talent is no Eagles are, are really powerful birds. They got double Freddy Krueger. Yeah. And I heard that. Yeah. If I saw a bird coming at me, man, like when they scream and they come in like that, that'd be actually brutal.

That Hitchcock movie, Birds. I think what you got to do is take the hit and then you got to grab them. You just got to know. It's like, you ever see those guys get tased by the cops? Yeah. And they rip it out and then they go at them. That's how you got to go to bird of prey. I mean, the money I would give to watch you holding a bird's talent,

just freaking out, angry, would be worth the price of admission. Just watching bird. Watching me be that angry, that murderous, while being terrified at the same time would be priceless. Wings are just going like this. Because, yeah, man, that's. But forearm right down on the neck and then just pulling the head until it just snapped one of the sickest things you could one of the most powerful cats other than off like a jar

that's it no matter what it's clawing just grab it by its throat and just fucking that's what as I fucked up my finger. Yeah, tell me about that. Paul, you know, I've been living a sober life this whole month. No cigars, nothing. Right? Trying to face my fucking demons rather than Medicaid. So, I don't know.

I started eating plant-based more of that shit, right? So, you know, chopping up vegetables is a pain in the ass. So I get something called a mandolin. It's not the guitar. It's one of those fucking things like this thing, right? So one of the few times ever, I actually sat down and read all the instructions. Cover to cover. I had to force myself with my ADD to sat down and read all the instructions. Cover to cover. I had to force myself with my ADD to sit down and do it, which I do.

And then it says, just be careful because this blade is really, really sharp. Dude, when I tell you I had to rinse it off in the end, when I put it in the sink, I was just nonchalantly handling that thing. All of a sudden, I just felt like deep. And I went, oh, no. Right? Dude, for anybody who's queasy, you might want to mute this part. Dude, I looked to see because I put paper towel on it.

And I was trying to put pressure on it, right? And then all I'm thinking is like, right let me just see how back felt deeper than usual you know usual cut on the finger and i opened it up dude it was like a toupee that started to come unglued flapping up like that and dude it was just like it was gushing out and i was like ah man that's gonna need a stitch. So I called my wife, told her what I did. And she goes, all right, I'll take it to the urgent care. So she pulls up. And I guess the whole way over, she told my daughter what happened. And she goes, I don't want to see it. I don't want to see it. And then, dude, she came walking in the door. And I saw the 35-year-old

version of my daughter, just confident. She went right in. She just came walking in the door and I saw the 35 year old version of my daughter just confident she went right in she just came walking in walked by the room I was in she didn't see me she just walks by she's like I want to see it I want to see it where is it she's dada I want to see it she comes in I go I don't know the paper towel's got some blood on it because I want to see it and I show it to her and she goes oh that must have hurt i was just like she you know cognitively she went to this other levels yesterday i for the first time ever i rode bikes with her one of the greatest days of my life she was going around in a circle she did great and then she wiped out but she was getting so much attention from everybody my mother-in-law was there, her brother, my wife, that she went,

I'm okay, I'm okay. She popped up. She goes, she goes, I turned too sharp. Like, she already gets it. Kid is super fucking smart, man. Dude, fast forward, you're shitting your pants in a home at 92, and she goes, who's cleaning my father's room?

Dude, I thought you were going to say she's on a motorcycle that would have scared the shit out of me but all right i'll go with that no that's one thing that like i would i would as much as i would want to empower my daughter to play sports and do anything she wants if my daughter came to me and said dad i'm getting a motorcycle or my son both kids motorcycles out motorcycles out it's just dirt bike you can ride a dirt bike's just dirt bike. You can ride a dirt bike. Correct. Yeah.

I mean, yes, you could ride a dirt bike to a certain age, but you're not getting on something that goes 70 miles an hour and like crotch rocket shit. Yeah. No, fuck that. No, dude. It's like I'll do whatever else. Like I'll even balance it out with something I kind of don't want you to do. You were going to get a four wheeleler last I talked to you, right? Yeah, but I'm getting the utility, the one for plowing, the driveway.

And I'm not getting one that's like a racer or anything like that. I'm going to get, you know. How often do you got to plow your driveway? Don't you want to have some fun? Oh, listen, I'm going to go around that neighborhood when a little flurry and check it out. Because that's all they do. When it snows, there's no trucks around. So the five or six neighbors that have them,

they just go and they just ride and it's awesome. Like, you know, wait a second. So this thing, so is it geared low to like plow the driveway? Oh yeah. No, everybody does get them to plow. And then you do like a lot of the neighbors thing, but otherwise it costs me like, like February we were paying plows. I was paying him. I could have fucking got a four wheeler. So you attach, yeah. It comes with the thing. You attach the pl. I could have fucking got a four-wheeler. So you attach.

Yeah, it comes with the thing. You attach the plow to it, and then you just plow the driveway. Yeah, I can't wait. I'm picturing you with that classic old man hat with the flaps. Oh, I have that. I got that for Christmas. Oh, yeah, man. But like, yeah, no, if Lucas or Sophia were like,

Dad, I'm going to get a motorcycle, I'll be like, no, you're not sofia were like dad i'm gonna get a motorcycle i'll be like no you're not no you're fucking not yeah yeah but if you've been cool up to that point they could do like everything and say anything you want to fucking do you can do you just can't do that yeah you just can't do that like whatever you want to do you want to get you know i'll get you next season tickets we'll do that you want to yeah exactly so paul you're gonna, Paul, you're going to gloat. No, I'm not going to. Zaga is still in it. And my Michigan Wolverines lost. And here's the craziest thing about that. Michigan missed their last eight shots and would have won that game. They only lost by two and they had two open looks from three to win it.

And they still had another chance. So it was just one of those things where i was really rooting for both of us to be in the final four but um first of all i talked a lot of shit about gonzaga winning the whole thing wire to wire all that so i still have a couple i still have some work to do um i still i haven't seen them play yet i've just been so fucking busy but i heard they're just you've been telling me just the way they're moving the ball around. No egos. Sounds like the old, old school basketball there. They're like a coach's dream where it's just like a couple of guys can go to the NBA and they don't care. It's like, who's ever open. And you're like, Oh, okay. This is how you win. And they're, yeah. I'm all in it. Cause who's, who's left. I want to see somebody new winning. Gonzaga's never won it. Have they?

Oh, Houston is back since the five slamma jamma. They're back. They haven't been there. So they're there for the first time since 84. Gonzaga's there for the first time since 19. Baylor's there since the first time since 1950. I took one too, Baylor. So Baylor and Houston go at it, and UCLA, Gonzaga go at it. I like the Bruins.

I didn't like them beating them. Okay. Five slamma jamma Paul. Who was it? The only ones that I know are Clyde the Glide and Akeem Olajuwon. Those are the only two I know too. Five slamma jamma. Let's see

who they were. Oh, it was PH Phi slamma. PHI like a fraternity. Let's see who they were. Oh, it was PH. PH, like a fraternity. Yeah, but also meaning the number five, right? Five of them. Right? Isn't that what they were?

Am I crazy? I think so. I think that that's what it means. All right. Or a slam a jam. Let's see here. Who were they? Who were they?

The Cougars star. All right. Akeem Olajuwon. Shooting guard Michael Young. No, wait, wait, wait. I'm skimming through this. You think they just say who the fuck they were? All right.

Let me look it up again. God damn it, Paul. My big stupid finger here. Who were Fi, Slamma, Jamma. Such a cool name. Fi's. Dude, they used to come up with all great nicknames. They featured all the merit.

Clyde Drexler, Hakeem, Hakeem at the time, Hakeem Elijah Juan, and Michael Young, and they blew past and soared over opponents. Houston lost a 1982 national semifinal to eventual champions North Carolina with Michael Jordan. Michael Young, Clyde Drexler, and Akeem Olajuwon seem to be getting the most credit. I don't know who the other ones. Dude, they had a great one. I was talking to you about the old posters they used to have,

the sports posters at Foot Locker or or athlete's foot back in the day they had the supreme court and it was all the best players in the nba wearing judges robes and they just had them on like some outdoor basketball court like like sports did not have the fucking money that it has now. Like, as far as, like, dude, people don't understand, dude. It was five minutes of the local sports cast. I used to watch Bob Lobel and Bob Neumeier. Those were the guys that I would watch.

Yeah, that was back in the Anchorman days. I love Curtis, Tony Pepper. Those are names of actual, like, they all think that's all that stuff. I think that whole movie was just based on. Wait, Tony Pepper was his real name? Tony Pepper was a guy, Chet Curtis. It was Jack Williams, Liz Walker. Liz Walker, fucking Bob Lobel, Bob knew me.

I remember we had season tickets in 84, and he was sitting in the end zone on one knee, and he used to do these live things. You know, 27, you know, 24, the Patriots needed to score here, and then they'd give it to John Stevens or Mosey to Tupou, and then they'd score a touchdown. So we knew what he was doing. So he was trying to do the thing.

We were all in the end zone just going, knew me, knew me, knew me. And he just put to do the thing. We were all in the end zone just going, No me, no me, no me. And he just put his head down and we would fuck up his thing. But he would laugh. That's so great. Because we were fucking up his day. But he also had like half a stadium chanting his fucking name, at least the whole end zone.

That's so great. We were so fucking drunk. I remember, oh, dude, I remember this fucking guy, Stanley Morgan. This is way back in the day. Like, Grogan threw a pass, Stanley Morgan catches it over his shoulder in the corner of the end zone.

We all thought it was a touchdown. The fucking refs goes like this. He's like, saying it's like out of bounds. And dude, this guy behind me his knee hit the back of my head just like leaped in the air to yell at the referee he jumped down to yell at the referee because he was because you could be that close and there was that cement thing and he fucking landed his ribs it was insane dude and there was kids there and that was back when the beer commercial they go less filling tastes great so the from one end zone to the other there was a ton of one side

of you going less filling tastes great then it become fuck you eat shit just screaming and it was all kids there and nobody did anything yeah nothing. Nothing happened. Open containers, the whole fucking thing. Some of the funniest shit I've ever seen in my life has been a drunk guy at a game. One guy stood up. We're at Yankee Stadium, and I'm with Lucas and Lucas's friend. And Lucas is like, dude, Lucas is like, you put that down bill like it was a uh like it was a cold do anything now i gotta get one of those a week all right everybody it's my bookie oh uh whether you're a basketball fan or a fan of sports in general everyone knows that march is time for college

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And add even more excitement to the sports you love. Bet anything, anytime, anywhere with my bookie. All right. Sunday spring. Guys, I'm doing a lot of work around the house, working on a new garage. Oh, Bill, I'm a garage guy. I've been looking. You know you're getting old.

I've just been looking at new garages, redoing my garage. And with spring right around the corner, that means it's time to get my lawn on track. Oh, I got acres, guys. I got acres. This is right up my alley. complicated toxic lawn project. Sunday is more than a lawn care product. It's customized lawn plan that works with nature. They take out all of the guesswork and unwanted chemicals so you can grow a beautiful lawn that's better for people, pets, and the planet. I'm all about the planet. I'm all about making things better. Hey, Paul, you live here. You know, why wouldn't you take care of it? Hey, who am I? Who am I? I'm just a guy on this, this marble that's just spinning it through space, man. Talk about what you like most about Sunday care. I'll tell you what I like about Sunday lawn care. I like seeing my neighbors with the brown patches and I don't have that. And I just still give a nice wave. Like we know what's going on here, buddy. My lawn is crushing it and yours isn't.

My lawn just made the playoffs and you're going golfing on a, on a Muni course. This is your first time getting serious about lawn care. Talk about your experience and tell listeners what you think. Well, you know what my experience was? My lawn is going to look like where the Giants play at MetLife Stadium, except it's going to be real and that green. How about that?

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lawn plan at checkout. That's $20 off custom plan at getunday.com slash better. Get the lawn on the block that everybody looks at and admires because that's what I'm going to do. Dude, our reads have got to be the most clunkiest. The way you said sun, you go, Sunday, because you like trying to look at the other words. No, it was bold. My brain tries to guess the words, and I start saying shit that doesn't even exist. Yeah.

Yeah. Lucas is probably seven or eight and and the guy stands up and he just he stands up and then turns around looking at us and everybody else and he waves to the kids and he says like this and anybody who didn't have a yankee he would just go and then he would look at the kids and the kids are going like what's he doing and lucas is like blushing and then he would look at the kids and go it's okay no no don't worry you guys you guys are cool hey fuck him fuck him right fuck him and it was it was weird yeah and it was like and i it was just going like all right dude that guy's drunk so i had to explain to lucas like some guys

some guys but then but then there are funny guys who are like Yankee had a guy on second base. I think I told you this story. Yankee had a guy on second base. This guy is hammered, and he's a Yankee fan. He goes, hey, don't you dare leave him out there. Don't you dare leave him out there. He did it. Don't you straight up.

And it was just – and, dude, oh, my God. It was just – you know, one of the best ones I heard, this was when Giambi was on the Oakland A's and the bat flew out of somebody's hand and Giambi was standing on first and the bat was near Giambi's feet. Out of nowhere, on cue, the guy goes, hey, Giambi, it's not a hot dog, you fat son of a bitch. But like, it was like he was waiting to say it that's how like he was ready so funny man well i think a lot of like um the stadiums now where they have all of those um those giant screens and they constantly keep you if the game's not happened then you're looking at that trivia well it's a great crowd control thing.

Because it kind of ended. There was always the class clown in every section that would be making everybody laugh. I used to get these. Paul, you went to games with me. I just get like I felt like I had a show and I would just be yelling shit and trying to make people laugh. And I would just be yelling shit and trying to make people laugh. Dude, I used to go to games by myself when I was doing fucking college gigs. And I would just root for the home team.

And I would just start talking shit about the other team. And people would be looking at me because they'd hear my accent. Like, where the fuck is this guy from? I just hated fans of the other team taking over your stadium i always fucking hated that me me too me too and i remember i took my old manager my first manager tony camacho tony the tongue you know what they call him tony the tongue guy's tongue was like the size of a chicken cutlet and uh he was great guys because he was a smooth talker. I was like, oh, it sounds like a good manager. Tony the Tongue, I didn't want to sign this kid. Next thing you know, I'm giving him a weekend.

So I was just so appreciative that the guy believed in me enough to work with me. I'm in my 20s. I'm excited. You know, the guy had managed, you know, guys like Brewer and all these people coming up. And, you know, he's a diehard people coming up and i'm you know he's diehard giants fan he had like old giant shit so i said hey man i got tickets to a giants game you're my manager you you get me some work you got me some money you know when i met you and

and bobby kelly in 05 the weekend of thanksgiving eve tony got me that tony got me that gig so tony and i go to a game and dallas cowboys are in town and i still remember to play man it kills me it kills me but uh anyway 20 yeah and then they kicked the field a 20-yard pass whitten caught and then uh they kicked the field goal at the end anyway tony's sitting next to me and there's a guy just leaned in over him, almost touching him. Like if this is Tony's shoulder, the guy's like this and like purposely leaning up and he had a Cowboys thing on and it was really rude. And Tony kind of just leaned up. He's a, you know, he was a, and I finally, I just go, Hey man, can you just back off my friend?

Can you get any, and he did. And I could tell Tony got comfortable when that happened, but like the guy was being like passive aggressive. And I hated number one fans that I hated in when the Giants would play would be Cowboy fans. Some were cool. But then there were the ones that like stood up like they did like this thing showing our championships on the big screen. And this guy was hammered. And the Cowboys, he's like, man, fuck out of here. And like, you know, I'm with my brother and my son and people like and it was one of those guys where you just wanted him to walk out losing

and like as soon as they oh god and and unfortunately uh they won that they won that game too but um I cannot stand that man I can't stand when somebody but you've made me blush you have made me I've been to games with you where i was just like wow he's going in like he's i i used to drink a lot paul i would watch you so much of my shit i would just get mad seeing people for the other team having a good time yeah you i watched nothing to do with the game it had nothing to do with the game if i saw somebody and they looked like a douche to me and they were enjoying themselves, I just lasered in on them.

I really got my ass kicked a lot more than I did. I saw you lean back. You leaned back one time. You leaned back, and I just saw your eyes scanning. Your eyes were scanning. You were looking for the other jersey, or you were looking for somebody on the the opposing thing and you were just it had nothing to do with sports paul it never has anything it's all my

from being a kid you actually apologized to a guy once we were at a game and you and him were going and you were like this and that you went hard at him and then i you i saw you real i mean we're hammered i mean and you were just like you like patted him on there you go hey ma'am you know it's all good like you know you and i was like oh he knows i mean you i was by the end i i realized that i finally realized i was the dick and then i started becoming the peacekeeper i remember you wanted to kill somebody in tampa and no the the kid in uh when we went to alabama the kid on the bus. Yeah. That kid. That kid got hammered drunk.

No, no. But you were right. You were right on that. Yeah. We went to Alabama versus Texas A&M in College Station. We took a fucking bus, a booze bus. A public bus, which was so dumb. No, it wasn't public. It was specifically for that. But with strangers. It looked like a public bus, which was so dumb. No, it wasn't public. It was specifically for that.

It looked like a public bus, but it was carting us to the game. And there was just this one fucking guy. He was just obnoxious. He was everything that makes me want to watch the game at home. I hate Alabama because of him and his fucking loafers and his khakis, those Alabama khakis he had on, and he had those loafers that they wear. Oh, dude, the loafers, the funniest thing ever is them trying to act like, you know, like they're these aristocrats.

You know also like that, the fucking TCU fans coming in, they're dumbass blazers and shit it's like nobody gives a fuck about tcu this is the harvard of texas is it no one cares i never heard of you guys the horny toads come on frogs i fucking hated them all those jr ewing looking fucking jerk offs i like the smu mustangs i like like Baylor, the Longhorns. I like Texas Tech. I like the Aggies. Those fucking cunts at the fucking Frogs, man.

Oh, my God. They look like the douches in a coming-to-age movie in the 80s. Like they were the frat with all the money. That's what they looked like i was like oh my god this is like is danger field gonna come here and do the triple yeah the sweater the the tied sweater around the dude i mean that's how they were dressed that was like yeah bill that was my first rose bowl and it was tcu and we sat in the sun and it was a bunch of kids going like with their fingers down tcu and by like five minutes into the first quarter

bill was just ripping on and we were it was on everybody yeah was i drunk that one that was sometimes i didn't drink that was my first one you were drunk i was drunk yeah you kept yelling you kept yelling tcu in a really annoying way right after them so they'd say they go to see you and then you go t you. You were just doing it. Yeah, man, I got mad at them because they were supporting their team. And for some reason, they were all dressed up like they were going to go on the Lawrence Welk show afterwards. Lawrence Welk is a very old reference, but I'm telling you, it's right on. Lawrence Welker's a very old reference but I'm telling you it's right on

just know that the closing song on that show was good night sleep tight and happy dreams to you it was the whitest show ever there's a wish and a prayer for every dream to come true and now

till we meet again adios au revoir auf wiedersehen good night And now till we meet again. Adios. Au revoir. Auf Wiedersehen. Good night. That's how white it was. And that's what they look like. They all look like,

and then all these old people would come out and they would be dancing around the fucking floor. Dude, this is how old the fucking fan base was for that show. The guy used to do a live read for Geritol. I don't know if you even remember it it was like this multi-vitamin for people that fought in the civil war or some it'd be old as dude all right that's next to numbers this uh lawrence i think it was this german guy i don't know when he left germany geritol sounds like that old man cream you put on.

I thought it was a cream from like the 50s. It was a little jar of vitamins, and they would sell them to these old people. This is back when we just knew nothing about nutrition or anything. It was just like... Dude, you're bringing me back. You're bringing me back you're bringing me back dude like my grandmother three times a week didn't realize how difficult that was for you not that i don't love a steakball i tried the plant-based thing i'm not doing that i'm i'm

like what do you got here older folks often have tired blood. Geritol. That is the most non-medical way of saying it. Nobody even knows that. It's snake oil. It's snake oil. Can the listeners see this? Can you have to talk, Andrew? They've got to see this thing. The viewers here, I should say. I'll drop it in. Geritol.

Tired blood? That should be our sponsor. Tired blood? Well, blood well if for 20 off anything better it's a good name for a special paul verzi tired blood take a look at who takes geritol uh that's great um dude we used to watch that every week and we would watch shana na and when the the wonderful world of disney what years what years was that this was like before you were born dude this was the early 70s and uh it was such a fucking big deal yeah there's lawrence with geritol with geritol there you go um it was such a big deal

of a movie like the the ABC Sunday night movie of the week you were like oh my god it's this isn't a TV show this is a movie and they're showing it on television it was fucking it was bananas my parents we would make popcorn and we I remember we had this yellow bowl full of popcorn and we would sit there and watch these these no I think when the Sunday night movie came on that's when we had to go to bed because it was more like an adult movie or whatever school night yeah school night but dude you're bringing me back to when my yaya for the people that don't know, I'm half Greek. Yaya is a grandmother in Greek.

Me and her would sit and watch Golden Girls, which, by the way, Golden Girls is one of, in my opinion, one of the most underrated sitcoms in history. The fucking B. Arthur, the chemistry. All of them. Betty White the the chemistry all of them betty white no all of them joe de rosa used to tell me forever how great that show is and i'm like joe you're just a counterculture fucking i'm not sitting here watching these old broads well and then one day i forget what i was doing dude my last house i was doing my taxes or something and i was just you know lap everything's just covered in fucking receipts and shit so i couldn't find the remote and they were playing a marathon

oh and dude i was hooked by like the by the third one that came on i was kind of all right by the third one i was just like this fucking show is hilarious the the sarcasm of b arthur and the dim-wittedness of betty white and then the other two. It was, and she would give me two cookies. She would give me two cookies and a napkin, and I would sit, and I would fucking watch that with her. And, oh, my grandmother was, dude, like, the thing about Greeks is they're very paranoid. They think everything great is Greek.

Everything great is Greek. She could watch, like, Lionel Richie and be like, his hair, I'm telling you, there's some Greek Like that's how they are Delusional about pride About how prideful they are Giannis Pappas

Good friend of ours Giannis Pappas has it times too It's Greek and New York Yeah he's texted me Out of nowhere And I would just look at the text and he would go, you understand your mother's a hundred percent Greek, right? And I would go, yeah. And he goes, how come you never, cause he can't handle that. My mom,

see, here's the thing. My mother's a hundred percent Greek. My father's a hundred percent Sicilian. And my father's a character who thinks Sicilians are the greatest peoples, you know, like Jesus Christ. So my, my Greek grandmother and mother butted heads, my mother and my grandmother butted heads because my mother rebelled against the Greek this because my mother was the oldest and not the fate, like not the one that they were hard on her. So she was like Greeks. Now I'm going to go, I'm rebelling against the greeks so she knows that you gotta watch it you can't they'll they'll get their vengeance so she didn't put it on me

and my dad in the other ear is going man i'm just sicilian you know i'm the father you're and i had that so that's why i'm more of like people look at me go time but i am half greek and my greek grandmother was a character and uh good genes live to 99 well your grandmother rest her i mean that greeks live forever dude yeah ever tell you what that greek waiter said to me once he comes over he's like hey everything he's writing everything down he goes yeah you put lemon with everything you live longer he goes you're greek though he goes yeah even if you smoke and do bad stuff 80s easy like as a matter of factly he goes do anything he goes do you smoke and do bad stuff, 80s easy. Like as a matter of fact, he goes, do anything. He goes, do you smoke anything?

80s. If you take care of yourself, forget it. It's like, all right, man, I'll get the lamb. My great grandmother was the oldest woman in Massachusetts. She was 109 or 110. They didn't have birth certificates. And she was fine. Yeah, no, swear to God.

She was fine until she broke her hip at like 95 um and then she was in a nursing home but she was she was funny when we would visit my earliest memory like four years old going to nursing home she would say in greek to my mother there's a lot of old people around here and she was the oldest person around everywhere that was her she probably meant mentally old. Probably. I mean, I meant that. Yeah.

My grandmother. Breaking your hip was the old overdosing. If you broke your hip in, like, if you were in your fucking set, it was over. It was just like a, it was done. They didn't have a cast for it. How do you set a hip back then? Maybe they did. I don't know.

My grandmother lived to be almost 105. Then I had a grandfather that lived into his. He almost lived to be 100. Oh, Billy Goodjean. I had another one that made it to 80 or 81 81 i think he made it to and then uh i forget how old my grandmother was i never really knew her too well the other one i don't know what she lived to be i want to say she was like early 80s you know what she would say to me

though she would go no cheese this is what my she You know what she would say to me, though? She would go, no cheese. This is where she lived to 99. She would go, no cheese. And she would never drink. But when she would drink, it would be this much wine. And she would always go, no, no, very little, very little. And then she would take this little tiny, almost like those orange juice things they give you in a diner. That would be her red wine at dinner.

And she was so psyched that she was doing it because to her it was drinking. I mean, to me or you, it was like a gulp. She would just go, good luck. She would just say to everybody, good luck. And she was so psyched and she would take a sip and put it down. But she said, no cheese, no booze, don't eat a lot. She goes, oh, these fat people, they just keep eating. You don't need to. You don't need to. No, you don't. Dude, every pound of fat is five miles just keep eating. You don't need to. You don't need to. No, you don't. Dude, every pound of fat is five miles of capillaries your heart has to pump. Every fucking time. You're given an extra five-mile route, dude.

That's why they say if even like five, six pounds overweight can really affect how long you live. Speaking of health stuff. I'm slicing vegetables paul my tired blood's spilling all over the counter speaking of health stuff i uh i got my first vaccination shot because i was uh i got a i'm a employee of something where i was able to in entertainment the comedy club hooked it up and said, you know, my business is, you know, these are my employees or whatever. So I was able to get a Moderna shot, a first one. And I'm I'm online getting it. And all I'm thinking was and don't make this political, you fucking assholes. This isn't political. I don't care

if people want to get vaccinated. Great. If they don't feel comfortable getting vaccinated. Great. I don't give a fuck. But I was like know what i'm flying a lot i got gigs coming up i talked to my doctor i trust my doctor my doctor is like a friend of mine and my doctor said paul get any of the three they're safe go do it so i was like all right man let me do it i'll do it you know worse happens you know god forbid what are you gonna do so i i uh i'm online yeah if it's bad what am i gonna do so i'm online and all i'm texting friends i'm just going hey dude you think it's smart i'm just trying to why would you why would you open it up to non-doctors why would you do that dude you know what i just read

so as i was as the lady was doing the lady was so nice as she's doing it i'm going yeah i'm gonna do this no like it's just like yeah and I'm going, yeah, I'm going to do this. No. She was just like, yeah. And I'm like, yeah. And then I'm going like, listen, real quick, though, before you put that thing, I go, is you having any allergic reactions in here? And she was like, no, none.

You're good. I was like, all right, let's do it. Tommy Ernst said when Marvin Hagler died, he put it out there. He got the vaccine. And that's why he died. And his wife flipped out. She goes, it's not what the fuck happened. Don't say that.

Who? Tom the hurt. Tom. Thomas the hitman. Hearns said when Marvin Hagler died. He said he said that that's that's why he died. He got the vaccine. He's fighting the effects of it.

I think he's in a conspiracy theory or something. He put it on Marvin and his wife came in. It's not what the fuck happened. Oh wow yeah yeah yeah no this idea that they want to kill all the people is just like you know just think about just think that through yeah that's what whoever gets it is gonna fucking die right just think that through think of how many dead bodies they're going to be. Think of the disease that that's going to bring. And then who's going to fucking bury all of them?

Rich people don't want to dig holes. That's what we're here for. They're going to kill all the ditch diggers. And then what? Then they got to bury us? Yeah. No, listen. Like I said before, if somebody, this is how I honestly feel about it.

If somebody says, I'm just not comfortable taking the vaccine, I don't to take it that's fine i'm all for that man like if you don't want that i don't give a if you don't but i don't want you you you sitting here telling me that i shouldn't be listening to doctors dude my doctor's got ocd like me my doctor's got like anxiety like me my doctor's the best and he's the coolest. And I was like, doc, what are we doing here? What are we? People back in the day, like when they when they cured polio. Like they wouldn't they wouldn't take the shot and then they'd walk around with one fucking baby leg and one big one.

That's what they would do. Telling you, man, it's a conspiracy like hobbling down the fucking street. One baby leg. Yeah. yeah like why would you do that no babe i i my doctor there were years my doctor said you don't need deflution i get going getting a second opinion this doctor says one thing let me talk to another doctor that's how you get a second opinion you don't talk to a doctor and then talk to your friend who fucking, you know, is a fucking salesman. Yeah. I love that.

Yeah, I got friends who like 300 pounds. They smoke two packs a day. They're like, I don't know what's in it. Like, I can tell you what's not in it. The 114 chemicals you're putting in your fucking lungs. Take the shot, dick. But listen, I'm just, listen, I'm looking at it like this. If my doctor said, Paul, give it some time, let's see.

I remember one year my doctor goes, you don't need a flu shot this year. Then one year my doctor goes, if you get the flu, it's going to be real bad. Get the flu shot. Done. Whatever my doctor tells me, this guy has gotten me, you know, it's been pretty good up to this point. I'm going to do it. You know, I'm going to do it. My favorite thing now, I'm seeing like people going like,

they're not wearing a mask i got the vaccine it's like they didn't say that you couldn't can't what are you doing here like you gotta wait a minute how do you know like they think like they got it all right i'm good and they just got the first one they even got the complete thing they just got the first one and now they're just walking around and it's like from what i understand it's like it's it's like the reason why you're supposed to finish all your medicine when they give you like uh what do they call those fucking things when you when you uh antibiotics you want to finish the whole cycle that they give you because you want to you get the hoof the hoof you want to kill the whole

fucking thing off because if you kill 90 of it it then they mutate and they build up a defense against what you're trying to use so i would think that if you just get one and you just start walking around with no mask on you kind of covid's getting a jab rather than the fucking one and then the overhand right and it doesn't know what happens and they're out so that's why I would be worried about that with a non... Dude, one of the greatest things... Until they tell me...

I don't give a fuck I have the vaccine on. Until they tell me... Once they say it's okay to walk around without a mask, then I won't wear one. But I will tell you, for the rest of the time, anytime I have a cold or anything, I'll wear a mask.

Because my daughter caught a cold at school. We were all worried that it was going to be like COVID or something. We all got tested. We were fine. But we wore masks just because we had them because of COVID. And for the first time ever, the cold didn't go through the house. The one thing that I like about the mask is on, believe it or not, as much as it is harder to breathe the airplane, I haven't, I used to get sick off of airplanes. I used to come off and I used to, you know, come home

and I'd get sick. Now, since the flying that I've done with the mask, I don't get sick. But one of the greatest things was what the coach of, and I'm not even mad at her. I think it was hilarious. The head coach of the women's Oregon basketball team. She goes, listen, she goes, I don't think they should test during the final four.

They got to the final four and she goes, listen, let the kids, the kids earn this, which is so funny to be like, listen, man, if it was a sweet 16, I get it. I got here. All right. Don't fuck with me. I got here. Everybody's looking for a competitive edge, Paul. The guys are sniffling on the people in the locker room coughing. Yes. But are we firing on all cylinders? There's also that.

Now this is a new virus. We don't know a lot about it. Listen, we're shooting 43 percent from the field. I think the kids are fine. This is the best fucking team I've had since I've been here. I didn't want to move here. This is where my career took me. I'm trying to parlay this into something don't take this away from me any more questions it was dusty in there there was no sneezing was normal i was off oh dude by the way march madness probably top not talked about enough how great of a you could watch a team like Houston play play Baylor and you're just like riveted because

everything counts every possession counts all of the Michigan such a quick game 20 minute halves I love it dude all the old Michigan players from the fab five were there. One guy was calling the game. Jalen Rose was there just like, just like, just so in Juwan Howard coaches them. I was, listen, man, I don't even care about our bet. I wanted them to win just because it was just like, Oh, those assholes had a chance to killing me. They're going to get one soon. I believe in Juwan Howard, even though I probably watched about seven minutes of their games this year. Total. Not even going to lie. But I just know Juwan Howard is... have literally suited up in the shape i was in when we were at that game and ran a play get the shit that was for the people that don't know we we go to a game every year when we went to michigan and we watched that game under the lights they play a video of james earl jones who is first of all fucking darth vader's voice but so many other things and he narrates the program and it's a trailer for the university

and they showed Brady and they showed Jeter. They showed astronauts, Gerald Ford. Then they were like, we have more wins than any pro. And then he's just like, we bow to no man. We bow to no program. And the music is, I'm getting the the chills thinking about and bartnick's like this to bartnick we were we were all of us were locked to the screen and then he was just like we are michigan and the fuck and it was i mean do you remember that was the nuttiest most intense thing ever and i was like i would go here because of I'd go here. I would go to this school because of that. It was – sorry, Ohio State listeners. I'm just saying. I'm sure you guys have a fuck.

Somebody, Ohio State, you know, the podcast ain't that good anyway. Fuck these guys. Oh, I know. They all started chirping after Michigan lost. They didn't say shit when they fucking team lost to a 15th-ranked person, team, or whatever. It's how they are, Paul. It's how they are.

It's just how they are. I can't stand fans like that. No. I've gotten away from you. You're all blurry now. What happened? Me? Yeah, you're blurry.

What happened? There you go. See? You lean back and all of a sudden start focusing in on something else um no i've given i i've stopped doing that thing like rooting against other teams i root for my team my team's out and then whoever wins i don't give a fuck i don't like the people that like hate genuinely hate the city and the people there like i told you i told you we were talking i'm a die hard yankee fan okay i hate the red socks boston is literally one of my favorite places on earth one of my top three cities it's it's one of

the coolest places to bring your family the food is great i think the people are some of truly the most hilarious fucking people i've ever met so such great you know and i'm like i go to the game i root against them they were i'm not like yeah fuck that place like people like flicking cigarettes at like the license plate of the other cool guy and then you get the cunty ones oh what the fuck hey everything fucking closes at fucking one in the morning all that bullshit i mean i could go to fucking yeah this whole fucking place smells like you at least it did back in the day smell like fucking urine it was still awesome it's it's yeah it's like i love loving a city and then just like rooting against a team that's not my i don't take it out on the city like the skyline sucks the fuck look at his fucking

look at his fucking food stinks it's like there's how much fun we had in jacksonville we shot guns with silencers and we ate alligator. That's how you go to a city. You're like, what do you guys do here? This is what you do? Fuck it, we're doing it. And that alligator. I don't go down there and try to fucking get like some clam chowder.

Dude, this fucking place sucks. I can't believe I traveled and it's not the exact same place of where I live. It's almost like, what am am i traveling to see something different none of my friends live there what the fuck well you had that a little bit i remember when you fucking came out to la and you visited one of your friends and he was i will go down the street there's a deli they got boar's head no that wasn't down the street. There's a deli. They got Boar's Head. No, that wasn't down the street. It was a couple, like a town over. He goes, you go, Bill, he's all excited. I'm like, dude, Bill, I got Boar's Head right down the street. He said it like he found a treasure, though.

He goes, dude, this one deli's got this. And that's why. He moved 3,000 miles away. You know who that was? I think they have Boar's Head out here. They didn't. He moved like 3 000 fucking miles away it's a taste of home it's like every time i go to europe i want to see all the

bullshit over there but every once after a while i gotta get i gotta go to mcdonald's you know who that was i get excited like oh my god they got a mcdonald's i get it no i get i remember when we were at montreal jimmy carr jimmy carr and i went went to lunch and he just every day went to Dairy Queen to get ice cream. He couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe that you could go get that like every day. He goes, can you, he goes, how do you not get ice cream every day? And I was like, nah, dude, we got that here. He's like, it's incredible. great career, very successful in England and everything. And he comes to he comes to Montreal and he thought that a dairy queen to go get like ice cream every day was one. It's not really good ice cream either. It's all right. Hey, if you're from Britain, if you're British, it's fantastic. Well, I think he grew up in old Britain. Like I always heard the food over in Britain was terrible, but I do. I went over there. I mean, it wasn't the greatest, but it wasn't as

bad as they said. But I think back in the day, it might have been really bad. But like the Indian food in London was insane. And then I remember the guy that took me out on my run over there. He took me to the my run over there. He took me to the place where he used to get fish and chips when he was a kid. Back when they still wrapped it in yesterday's newspaper. And like the grease would get the ink wet and the ink would get on the fish. And he'd fucking, I mean, shit was toxic, but I'm sure it just added to the flavor. But one of the best memories I had on the road was we sat there by this little stream, and we ate fish and chips in this park.

And we were going up to go see John Bonham's grave on the way up there. And I fucking somehow I forgot. I think I lost that phone. I lost that picture. So I got to go there again. It was weird when I took a picture of his grave. I was like, I can't do a selfie at the grave so now i'm just taking a picture of the headstone which i've already seen online but i don't know it was my picture it was something i i i yeah yeah that's something for like like

myself or whatever but um that was like one of the best times i had like uh you know anytime you go someplace when you're traveling dude you gotta you go with the local and they take you to the spots and you're good i just picture john bottom rest his soul his wife crying at the graveyard like this yeah no you can't there's still like a bunch of drumsticks and all of this shit there oh yeah attacking when people would leave like booze bottles i saw that at bond scott's grave too it's just kind of like i mean it's kind of like what you know somebody overdoses a heroin you're gonna leave a fucking syringe there yeah no i don't know i never understood the giving the gifts um you know who said bond scott's grave in perth in australia left a Miller Genuine Draft.

Like, Bond wouldn't drink this shit. I mean, he might have. Miller Genuine Draft is one of the worst fucking beers I've ever tasted in my life. Yeah, dude, I've been off beer for a long time, but I like the cold ones. Do you know who said the Boris headline? You know who said,

dude, we've got this one place, Sean Quinn i'll say your philly friend yeah sean quinn breaking the bottle at the thing and walking over like it was a movie is still one of the silliest most hilarious things drunk ever it was just it was what do you gotta tell us we got a we were all drunk went to the fucking rose bowl and afterwards we got into it with some people and sean quinn like he's in a fucking movie picked up a beer bottle and he breaks it on the ground to hold up the the sharp thing and the fucking idiot he hits it so hard the whole thingates, and he had nothing in his hand. So he had to come up and mime like he still had something. Oh, I see. I thought he had the cap and that's it.

He had nothing. He was holding his hand like this. And we go, Sean, what the fuck did you do that for? He goes, I don't know. I saw it in a movie. No, he goes, I always wanted to do that. It's like, what if they were crazier than you, Sean? And that's where you set the bar. Now, what do they have to do that it's like what if they were crazier than you sean and that's where you set the bar now what do they have to do oh oh my god my friends are hilarious though uh that kid's an

eagles lunatic he's also an incredible cook too so the fact that he was in the boar has boar's head you should have listened to him paul bill i, I got it right down the street. And dude, like a super funny comic. Like he used to work with Stan Hope. And then he got some work behind the camera directing and stuff. But Sean would go off on those rants like Stan Hope. He had that kind of style and super funny. And with that Philadelphia accent. It's hilarious.

Water? Yeah, yeah. They're really funny and i don't understand why their accent hasn't gone more mainstream like it just seemed like all like for a while every fucking reality show had had some fucking meathead from boston on it right it's just like why didn't they go to like the philly philly fucking accent the pittsburgh accent is fucking hilarious and the only guy i've ever seen in like entertainment that ever does, who does both of them is Nick Kroll and Tina Fey.

Tina Fey has a great Philly girl. She did a Philly girl and really good. Like actually one of the best was Tina Fey. Is that where she's from? No, no, no. She's Tina Fey. Another, it's almost another Greek from New York um new york i thought oh is she from you that's pretty good i've never seen anybody who didn't live in philly be able to do the philly

accent from upper derby oh she is okay oh there you go fuck good call upper derby one of my one of my favorite jokes uh i did a gig out there in Upper Darby, which at the time was kind of run down. I don't know what it is now. Lower Darby. Yeah, Jon Stewart was there. And he goes, this is Upper Darby. Because Jesus Christ, I'd hate to see Lower Darby. I've heard comics go, this is new whatever.

Like New Haven. I hate to see Old Haven. Somebody said that um but uh what baseball start next week bill hey i watched the thing on mlb network they were saying that they liked our roster they are lineup but uh i didn't hear anything about the pitching so i don't get too exciting until too excited until i you know we got a one-two punch with the starters or whatever i did watch a highlight of an all-star game showing nolan ryan striking out the side when he played for the angels just throwing gas oh that dude threw no i'm throwing heat and you're not gonna catch it up and there was no movement on it it just you couldn't catch it and

joe gargiola i think was doing the color saying he's got three days rest so he's he hasn't pitched in three days so he should be well rested it's just like the difference the difference but also guys used to only play until like 35 um what do you do if your son comes up to you and says dad i know you're red socks i love the red socks too but me and my buddies went to a dodger game i'm rooting for the dodgers what are you you're gonna just no i don't i don't care it is what it is it is what it is we live out here yeah i. My parents were from the Midwest, and they just became Red Sox fans when they were out here. Dude, I actually kind of like the Dodgers a lot

because I used to root for them. I rooted for them in 77, 78, 81. And those were all the times against the Yankees because we could never beat you guys. So I was like, all right, can you guys do the job that we evidently are never going to fucking do? So I got into them. I got into the Kansas City.

Dude, I got into so many baseball teams because the Yankees had finished us off and then I would just root for them. So like every year, it was like Kansas City would play for the pennant against the Yankees. 77-78, they lost. 80, they beat them and then lost to the Phillies. And then 81, I don't know what happened.

81 was the Yankees lost to the Dodgers. But I forgot that Thurman Munson died in 79. Rest his soul. Yeah, rest his soul. So you guys, yeah, rest his soul. So you guys were back-to-back champs then, and he was your captain. Yeah. So I don't know where you guys were because Baltimore had a monster team that year. But, like, to lose that guy, like, I was wondering, you know,

if you guys had a chance at three-peating. Let me look that up. Andrew, can you look that up? Well, he died in, like, July or August. I still remember that I was delivering the Boston Herald. I had a paper route. I remember seeing that. That was the first time any, like, athlete that I knew that was famous died.

And it was weird because I hated him because it was a big rivalry between carlton fisk and thurman munson 79 the question what year it was like august of 79 or july uh august 2nd august 2nd what was the yankees record yankees record august 2nd 1979 and i also thought that he was coming in for a landing and fucked up the landing and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, but he was flying the pattern, and then they switched him to another runway, and then he came in at the wrong angle and screwed that up, but I thought he was flying from New York after a night game

and was flying out to see his family and crashed. He had a new airplane. He was getting used to it. His teammates loved him man he was like one of those teammates that like and like i heard he was like a captain captain like i heard when uh reggie jackson came in like talking shit and everything he was like look dude like i heard he was like the sheriff but i heard they love it stirs the drink that's what he said that's that's great so i think they got off on the wrong foot but they

got they got to uh become yeah win together well i remember reggie crying when they did the thing i remember him going like that when they would yeah it's a hell of a thing no it's it's it's terrible it's terrible all right let's well you're going to end on that? I'll tell you what, dude. If one of my kids said, Dad, I'm a Red Sox fan. I just love them. I'd be like, all right, man, you can get the motorcycle. No, I'm kidding. You live in New York.

If I lived in Boston and they became a Dodger fan, I'd be like, dude, what the fuck? Why them? Or whatever. But I understand because I used to what the fuck? Why them? Or whatever. But I understand because I used to love the Cowboys when I was a kid. I used to love Roger Staubach and all of those guys. But like, you know, I still rooted for the Patriots and shit like that. Listen, you got a 50-50 chance. Your son, here's the thing.

Your son or daughter, you got a 50-50 chance that they're going to go Celtics or Lakers. Ooh, that's a good one. I'm going to be looking forward to hearing that one. That would be a hard one. But I just watch Celtics games with them all the time. And now my kids like me. They like me at this age. But there's a thing, Paul, I'm not going to let some stupid fucking game cause an argument they want to root for that fucking pylon fucking go to the grocery store and fucking go shopping for the best talent in the fucking league every three years and go out and go buy championships i'm not bitter um what what do you think would be harder to do you know what i think i think the lakers are still missing a piece oh please don't get me started

on the nets and lakers now what they're doing um what would be harder to date what woman would be harder to date a woman that you really were into she loved all the teams of your rival dumb woman paul uh all the team handles stupid no no no i'm saying i don't give a fuck what she roots for no no she's got it's a choice though. She, you love her. She's smart. She's great. She loves everything in sports opposite of you or her social and political views are opposite of you.

Which would you rather? Oh no, definitely sports because the political thing that's going to divide the family, the way you're going to raise your kids. Yeah, that's true. It's just a game, Paul. Who gives a fuck?

Is there anything better, Paul, than just watching your team, rooting for your team, and if they don't win, being happy for the other team? These fucking assholes like that, you know. That's a little far, though, I think. Why? I don't know if i could be happy for the other team i'll enjoy the game and i'll walk away upset but i'm not going to be happy i could be happy for the fans because i know what it feels like not to win i know it feels

like to lose that was the whole beginning part other than the celtics and even when the celtics went on the run we got len bias and then that tragedy happened yeah reggie lewis died i mean there's a lot of tragedy shit that came along with those three titles that I saw him win. And, um, you know, and then we were also like,

dude, we were the Washington generals in two out of four sports. It was like the Yankees. They win it all the time. The Red Sox, they always blow it. Those still Canadians. They win it all the time.

The Bruins, they can't fucking win in the forum. So we would, it wasn't just that we weren't winning. Our rival was the one that was winning 20-something championships. So I don't wish that misery. I really don't wish it on anybody. I don't. I don't. It's just, it's a fucking terrible, but I do wish it on anybody. I don't. I don't. It's a fucking terrible.

But I do wish it on certain individuals. You're a fucking cunty fan. Like, I like the Ravens, but there's one Raven fan that I met that whenever they fucking lose in the playoffs, I think about him and I'm happy knowing that he's upset. I totally get that. I, there's nothing better. Yeah. I totally get those people that, that deserve it. And like, you know, freak out. And I, you know, I got a couple of friends that I don't mind when they, uh, but, uh, it's a story for another day. Um, cause I want to thank everybody. I want to thank everybody who came out to my shows. Guys, I want to thank everybody. I want to thank everybody who came out to my shows on Wednesday night in Orlando Improv, Thursday night at West Palm.

Thank you guys so much. It was great. All the people subscribing to the Verzi Effect, all the people subscribing to this amazing podcast here. Anything better, guys, please subscribe, like, anything better. Rate it, review it. subscribe like anything better rate it review it that way the show goes up and um we appreciate all the kind words and um everything that you are enjoying and if you're not enjoying it keep your mouth shut or don't listen we don't what do we care well who can hate you after the beginning where you say everything's living in my house and you're gonna put 700 into a 16 year old cat

yeah you like me with cars i see a fucking car. I want to pull it out of the fucking ditch and fix it back up again. Yeah, dude. If I, I can't do it, man. If I love it, man, the kid I'm holding onto him at night watching TV, I can't just let him go. Cause he's old. Hey, you know what? I got to show you that I, I discovered, um, and I'd gone by it a million times out here is the, is the original airport out here in Los Angeles still exists. It was in Glendale, California. It was called the Grand Central Airport. Now it's an office building, but it still has the tower, and it still says Grand Central Terminal or Airport on the outside of it.

Wow. Yeah, I was flying over, and I looked down on the sidewalk. It says Air Terminal on the sidewalk. I was flying the heli over and i i looked down on on the sidewalk it says air terminal on the sidewalk i was flying the heli and i was looking down i was i said my strike what the hell's that he goes somewhere over there is the the original airport where howard hughes charles limburg amelia erhart they all flew in and out of it and i went over there the other day i found it i drove my old truck over and i got a buddy of mine he also yeah there it is right there oh cool yeah so that's that's the old tower right there

um that's the other side of it on uh airway boulevard i get into that dude i'm weird like that no that's awesome man that's so cool um i i I love aviation man I'm fascinated with it because I will ever let me take you up yeah yeah no listen man I'm not I'm listen I would I'm never taking you up dude not that you go i go fall you only take you go yeah yeah i that right there showed me how much you love me as a friend as much as everything in you was just screaming i'm greek i could live to 100 why would i get in a helicopter with your dumb freckled ass you fucking irishman die all the time uh no you're like yeah yeah yeah i i dude i love it and appreciate it you know obviously all aviation scares me dude i was coming into westchester they said this is going to be

a very windy landing you know we're going to be sitting and i just you know you always worry man you always worry going that fast he did something though i think i told you he came in faster to and and we hit harder but that was obviously what he did and he obviously did a great job but listen anytime you might have shifted or something so he needed to go dude i saw this fucking thing the other day man these guys were flying this fucking jet a commercial airliner jet like a northwest thing and there was nobody on it and they had to just puddle jump it take it somewhere uh they just needed a plane so these two guys so they're taking off and the guy goes let's have some fun never a good idea aviation

so he fucking pulls back the stick they were some ridiculous climb and when you when you come close to stalling i guess in those things like the the yoke starts shaking like that and he knows it down he just kept taking to the brink of almost stalling and installing. I used to think meant the engine quit stall means you, you had no longer have any lift because you've, you've changed the angle of attack to the point that it's, it's like this. And the air is now just hitting my big,

stupid finger, just hitting it like a billboard. So it's no longer creating lift. Yeah. So he did that. And and then whatever they did that a couple of fucking times they get up to 37 000 feet and then he requested to fly at 41 000 feet which was the limit that it could fly on and because there was nobody on board i'm telling you because it's all about your checklist and your process they did this bonehead move where you needed to fly faster at that level because of of how much thinner the

air was it said right in the the the uh the the handbook or whatever that that you needed to fly whatever 70 knots faster to keep the jet engines, the suck, squeeze, bang, blow, the whole fucking thing happening. And they were flying too fucking slow, and they were seeing their power going down, and they just didn't know. Then they were at an altitude where they could nose it down, and you got one shot at it, dude. But you could still do it.

Get them going again, and they fucked that up too. They died. They crashed the thing. See, that pisses me off, man. Like that's the shit right there. It's always like pilots.

Like, I mean, not always, but that, why would you do that? The fuck you do that? Cause there's nobody on board and you're like, Hey fucking,

you know, I don't have the pressure. Somebody else is going to die. You forget that you're on board and you do dumb shit. It're like, hey, fucking, you know, I don't have the pressure. Somebody else is going to die. You forget that you're on board and you do dumb shit. It's like, would you do this dumb shit if there was 300 people sitting behind you? No. So why the fuck are you going to do that now? What kind of plane was it?

I don't know. One of those big pass. I'm not good with jets. One of those big passenger jets, like the kind you'd get on to go fly to Chicago. A commercial jet. Commercial jet. Yeah yeah like northwest or something like that and they flew you know i don't know a lot about jet engine ones or whatever but i do know the higher you go the air gets thinner so it makes sense that you then have to fly faster i guess to draw the air in or what i don't understand how the whole thing works but like all i know is if they say

whatever the envelope fly here that's where you fly you don't fly less than it fucking with it and that's what they did and then for some reason when they to do a restart they needed to have this attitude of nose down and they just kept their nose just kept coming up and they couldn't fucking restart it again then they were trying to glide to a fucking airport then they didn't make it and then they tried to land it in the road and then that was it oh my god how long ago is this i don't know oh dude that's one of these ones that i that i looked up i for some reason watched those things because it's i just see those, okay, those guys know way more than me, way more experienced. And I just handled, what did they do?

And it was like they got out of their routine. And they started skipping steps and they started thinking of like, hey, let's fucking do this. Let's fuck around here. Which even that shit that they were doing getting it close to a stall is not a big deal i wouldn't think to pilots like them at an altitude there but what happens then they went up you just went up and because you never fly there you just think well i'll just fucking go up there and you don't check out like okay so what do i need to do when i'm at this altitude yeah that's too that's that one little stupid fucking move it's scary and horrible and tragic yes and and unfortunately i hate an

educational paul and and i hate to say it rest they're so stupid you don't do that you don't go hey let's see what we could do up here there's no passengers let's fuck around and you're in a commercial airline i mean it's like yeah man that's that's, that's, I hate hearing that. I hate hearing that. You know, I can tell by the way you're sitting, I shouldn't have told you that story. You're going to get into your next, your next pilot flight. You take, you're going to stick your hand in the cockpit. Hey boys, let's not start. Let's try not to have a little fun today. Huh? Yeah. I'm going to the airport at four o'clock in the morning, by the way. So that's what I'm thinking about. um, going to Oklahoma,

but what are you going to do? Um, where are you going in Oklahoma? I'm going to Oklahoma city for the first time ever. I'm going to be a Bricktown comedy club, um, this weekend. And, uh, yeah, I've never been to okay. See, and of course I tried seeing if I could catch a thunder game. And every time I go to these cool cities that have basketball teams, they're always on the road. So I can't, I can't do that. Once once you become a draw then you can pick your weekends and then you start knocking them off dude some of the best fans i've ever seen and it's a great stadium too because it's a no frills it's just like we've come here to watch basketball not fucking eat sushi and sit behind some velvet rope fans were fucking great i saw the thunder play the miami heat i was at that game where chris bosh got in some guy's face over there and then kevin durant started

giving him shit back and then they said uh what did you say to your teammate you know after that altercation and durant said i said i told him there's a lot of phony tough guys in the league and that guy's one of them. Is that what he said? That's great. That's great. All right, dude. Let's wrap this thing up here. Yeah, guys.

Thanks so much for listening to this episode 11. Anything better? Like and subscribe. Bill, you got anything that you want to plug? Oh, yeah. I have a big fall tour coming up. Indoor tour. Anticipating that enough people

are going to get this vaccine that we're going to put this thing to bed. And I cannot fucking wait. I've been doing stand up in parking lots in, you know, the grassy area outside of the Rose Bowl, staring at 700 cars of people. I hope we're laughing. I couldn't hear it. I just think I cannot fucking wait wait i'm doing another show tonight i'm doing two on tuesday i'm i'm i'm i'm dude i'm back to doing stand-up oh the kid's back i'm back i'm i'm loving every fucking second of it and uh yeah dude i've been having a good time other than fucking up my finger but at 5 30 today i can keep the edit wrap it all in plastic. Look at this.

So it wouldn't get wet. Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night at two in the morning. I still couldn't feel my finger. And I'm going, this guy either used way too much fucking. No, whatever the fuck you stick in the finger or he wrapped this thing. I got thought he wrapped it too tight and my finger was dying. or he wrapped this thing. I thought he wrapped it too tight and then my finger was dying.

So I got up and I took my nose hair clippers and I cut down the side here like two in the morning. I'm just glad you didn't cut your finger off, dude. I am glad I did not get that phone call of you cutting your finger off. Thank God. It looked like I started to cut the tip of a cigar off. Right on the side. Oh, man. I'm going to cut the tip of a cigar off. Oh, right on the side. Oh, man. I'm going to go go get my cat now.

My cat. I'm going to go drop 700 and get this guy back to the house. And I'm going to walk in with him. I'm going to hold him like a football and I'm going to give Stacy a nice smile. And I was just picturing the cat dressed like Uncle Junior on the Sopranos when he was trying to act like he was crazy. During the trial he's got a little walker and a hospital gown and that little hat by the way dude that fucking coat you got me that old man coat the that polo was my favorite fucking coat i was gonna do that's

what i'm getting one of i love that thing all the time i just i had to take this dry cleaner paul oh i'm glad you got yeah i remember it's got the green with the beige had to take it to the dry cleaner, Paul. Oh, I'm glad you got it. Yeah, I remember. It's got the green with the beige. It's a killer. I wear it all the fucking time. Oh, great. I'm glad you did. I had a blue one, and I had to get rid of it. I had too many fucking coats.

I had to get rid of it. I don't know why I got rid of it. I'm getting one of those. I'm getting the one like I got you. I'm getting for the spring. I love those. They are. The old man coat.

All right, buddy. I'll talk to you later, man. All right, guys. Thanks for listening. Talk to you guys next week. Hey, do we have an anything better or no? Uh, is there anything better than, is there anything better than saving your cat's life when you think he's going to die? Oh, how do I top that one? Is there anything better than you ate perfect and you go out in a big, get a big fucking Italian sandwich and then you only eat half of it and you go out and get a big fucking Italian sandwich.

And then you only eat half of it. And you got the other half for later on tonight. And you put it in the back where your wife can't see it. Oh, that's a good one. That's a good one. Not as good as saving your cat, but it's a good one. All right, love you, brother. Later, brother.

Love you, too. Later. All right, see you.