Anything Better? - Get After It?

Episode Date: July 17, 2021

what's up everybody welcome back to another episode of your favorite podcast in the world anything better myself paul verzi bill burr our uh great producer there andrew themless over there and we are doing episode number give me me some players, Andrew, 24. I know Robinson. I got him. I got him for you. Kobe Bryant. I mean, he was number eight too.

Willie Mays. Willie Mays, yeah. Willie Mays. Ken Griffey Jr. Yeah, I mean, that's. Moses Malone. Wow. Ricky Henderson. Yep. Charles Woodson. Yep. Hall of Famer. yeah i mean that's moses malone wow ricky henderson yep charles woodson yep paul of

fame bailey yep paul tamer wow yeah 24 is no joke now when he fought tino martinez man look at all these ads dude tino martinez wait a second let me get caught up here who we got woodson champ bailey miguel cabrera lou brock no dude it's it's stolen base champion but two how crazy is that that henderson i wonder if henderson wore 24 because he liked uh lou brock paul george it's funny they got a picture with him wearing number 13. Yeah, Paul George is 13. That's weird. Maybe he changed.

That's the thing. They probably show numbers that guys had. But I didn't realize 24 has got some legends, dude. Rick Barry. The white guy silhouette for the NBA that white owners are still hanging on to, Paul. It's so ridiculous that it's not a black dude. That's nuts. All right. Darrell Rivas, Rivas Island.

Barry Bonds, victim of the steroid era. Stefan Gilmore, Sam Jones, the Celtic. I'll do a couple. I'll go up to 20. Oh, Paul. Oh, Paul, your Jones, the Celtic. I'll do a couple. I'll go up to 20. Oh, Paul. Oh, Paul, your boy, Robinson Cano. I know, I know. Fanny Ramirez.

Your boy. Ty Law. Wow, dude. Oh, here's one. Mark Aguirre. Wow. That's a good one. And Willie Wood.

He played corner or safety. Wow. That's a good one. And Willie Wood. He played corner or safety. Corner for those great eight-time Pro Bowl, five-time All-Four-Time, the Green Bay Packers. There you go. Number 24, Paul. Number 24 in your programs, number one in your hearts. Number one in your hearts. Please welcome Mr. Lou Brock.

Paul, what were you doing at 24? That was when I changed my life. My mother even said from when I was 22 to 24, I was an absolute fucking moron until I was 22. I would, I mean, drink. 24, you mean? I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah. At 22, I mean, drink. 24, you mean? I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah. At 22, I was an asshole.

And then all of a sudden, I got to be honest, man. Telling dick jokes and doing comedy changed my life for the better, meaning that I finally knew what I wanted to do. I dropped out of college because I didn't want to be in that debt because I just wanted to do comedy. So I was like like let me do this i went to the city i started dating my wife who was completely responsible and way more responsible than me um she gave me kind of like that stability i went after everything but dude to 24 i mean dude

i i was a fucking animal dude i would get arrested i would black out i would fucking i would put i was like the versi you know on like like like in the fast lane dude like i was just like yeah let's let's do it you know a little doubt with a little eight ball corner pocket yeah for a weekend i was just i was just going i was going in a direction that was like, you know, got a DWI when I was 21, leaving a bar. And, Bill, it was walkable. The guy pulled me over. He was staking it out. He got like three people that night.

And he pulled me over because my license plate bulb was out. And he looked in my eyes and he gave me all these tests. And I go, dude, I pointed. I go, that's my bedroom right there. I could have walked. And I ended up getting it, a DWI. And then I saw my friend who was with me at the bar. I go, dude, you're not going to believe this.

I got a DWI. And he goes, you're not going to believe this. He goes, I did too. End possession of marijuana. They were waiting. And he got it dropped because the cop fucked up. The cop fucked. The cool thing is if a cop makes a mistake, the lawyer is just. So he got it dropped and the cop fucked up. The cool thing is if a cop makes a mistake,

the lawyer is just... So he got it dropped and I got mine dropped down. He got a cool thing, so then he continued to drink and drive. And then he killed an innocent person. So cool. Paul, did you join the Merchant Marines? What's with the barracks? It's a hefty number

of bunk beds here. That's what I was, yes. So I am right now at our beach house. We have a house on the ocean, and Stacy and I are staying with the kids in a room that has basically four bunks. And it's awesome, dude. We're literally on the beach. You guys are all in one separate bunk.

Yeah, so Sophie and I have to stay down because we'll roll out. Oh, do you roll around? So Sophie and I. You got demons? They're going to find the body. They're going to find the body. Dude, Stacey said to me, it's a true story. Three years ago, Stacey goes, Sophie wants a bunk bed.

And I go, they're not getting bunk beds. And she goes, why? And I go, because Stacey, she'll fall out. And we're talking about, she goes, no, she won't. The next night we heard, boom, boom. She fell out of her fucking bed. And Stacey goes, you were right, no bunks. So we didn't get it.

But me and her stayed down. Stacey and Lucas are up top. And I got to tell you something, though, and I don't want this to turn. I don't understand, Paul, is if the bed's on the ground, she doesn't fall out. No, she did fall out. That's what I'm saying. Oh, she fell out of a regular bed. She'll roll out of a regular bed. And because of that, I said, Stacey, like she can't be up top to the last thing I want is to hear that thump, you know, in the middle of the night. You have to get her like a king-size bed and like stick her in the middle.

She ends up sleeping across. She's the biggest. She'll tell you. She's the cutest thing in the world. She's the biggest nightmare to sleep next to. You can't. She goes the other way. So the bed.

So she's hard. Instead of being vertical, she's just across. So you just can't. Even when she sleeps with my mom. And, you know, my mom's so sweet. You met my mom. My mom is like, you think I'm easy. My mother's like, I mean, it's almost it's almost like it. And my mother's like, yeah, she's boy, she's tough to sleep with. She's like, you know, a foot is here like Sophie is just so we're we're in this thing. It's cool, though. It's it's really nice. We're on the water.

But, dude, I saw something today and I was like, I'm talking about this on the show. The last two days in the ocean were amazing. And today we just noticed there was a garbage. And and garbage like and I heard the lifeguards going, what's up with the garbage? So we're out there and you see like masks and you see like a candy wrapper and you see a piece of like plastic. And I'm like really going. And everyone saw after a while I went on my brother and I'm going like, this is fucking unacceptable. This is.

So I went in. I went in and listen, we've been and this is like a really nice part of the shore families and stuff. And we've never seen this. We come down every year. So I went up to a lifeguard and I thought this kid wasn't going to know anything and he gets off the thing you know when they're sitting high on that thing he comes down he goes here's what it is and it was brutal he goes when the wind is coming in from the east because you see the flags he goes those fucking those fucking ships and the garbage they're allowed like 18 tons of garbage if they're

offshore enough to dump in and the garbage is in a capsule and he goes in the fucking capsule sometimes breaks open and when the wind is coming to the east that's what happens and he goes it makes the beaches like bury it i just don't know like and you can't burn it because of the emissions. There's too many people. Send it to space. Well, I mean, then you've got to pollute the atmosphere. I've thought about that. But the thing about it is we're also just using up all of this natural resources that we don't. Because the second they made stuff that was acceptable, designed obsolescence, meaning this thing is designed to crap out it's like those

cords you buy to connect your phone in the car those ones you used to get you know like radio shack or some shit like that they were designed to crap out at six to eight months so you'd have to keep buying them and then throwing these things out and it's plastic and that stuff dude that stuff plastic lasts for 800 to a thousand years before it breaks down so you think about every fucking day dude the amount of damage that one person can do to the environment is crazy and that information is out there and we're all sort of like i don't know how uh they turn it around but somebody's gonna have to do something that's why i like liquid death where they have like you know rather than plastic water bottles they have those aluminum cans like a giant like a bud tall or something and there's more companies that i'm

seeing it's it's gonna have to be the young people because older people are set in like how they're making their money and they don't want to see shit go away. It's like, you know, those people with like coal and stuff like, you know, drill, baby drill or whatever the hell they were saying, because that's how they make their money. And it's like, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. That puts food on the table. And it's like, I don't know. I've thought about a lot of that shit. I figured it out. I figured it out. You're fucking hilarious.

No, here's what you do. No, here's what you do. Okay, but first of all, if anybody knows, I figured it out is Paul Verzi's catchphrase. I figured it out. Dude, I thought about it. I figured it out. Paul Verzi, everybody, has figured out the environment. All right, I want to hear this.

Stretch out your arms here, just like Jackie Gleason. Here's what you do. You make everything biodegradable. You make everything that you make, if it's water, if it's a candy bar wrapper, you make it where it will break down. And then what you do is you make pits in the ground and you bury it and then let it turn into come into the earth like that so you you bury it into holes and all of the material and things that we buy can break down into the

dirt into the earth and then it gives back but what do you do with the fact that we have all this plastic what do we do with that you know i i all this plastic? What do we do with that? You know, send it to space or melt it. You know, try to put it in a big something, you know, go to a, what if you dump it in a volcano? I don't understand why they can't just collect all the plastic, melt it down again, like when you put Play-Doh back into the thing and then start to make other shit out of it. Dude, magma, lava. How about you take all the plastic and you dump to make other shit out of it dude magma lava how

about you take all the plastic and you dump it in a volcano that's active on the bottom then it all liquefies tell you you know all right so you take so that that shit let's get a scientist on what let's i think i like us talking about it better so you gather all of that shit that shit that swirl of trash in the pacific ocean is two and a half times the size of texas and like two miles deep or something fucking crazy so yeah how do you get that out of there into the volcano how much does that cost? Well, what you would have to do is you would, the only way. That's going to cost the taxpayers too much fucking money.

That's all people give a fuck about is their own goddamn money. If this fucking nerd, okay, Elon Musk is going to do all this stuff. He's doing trains, going to Japan and all this. I'd give it up on him. Well, let him throw some money in. I give up. You know, you can't personalize it, Paul. You're using plastic.

How many pairs of Oakleys have you owned in your life? None. That's floating around the ocean right now. I don't wear Oakleys. No, listen, I'm guilty as charged with the bottle of water. I mean, I like a bottle of water, and they haven't come up with anything better than it. So what am I going to do? They're just going to bring an algae yeah you guys

fill it before you leave yeah where is that thing going it's made out of metal paul it's biodegradable it's going into your pit and you can break down okay all right actually stacy got a plastic top though so this lasts for 800 years. Yeah, I think that they take it all. Actually, we should find that out, if that makes sense. Take the garbage. What are they having in water bubblers? Have military planes drop it into the...

What's that water bubblers, Paul? You walk down the street, there was a water bubbler. You had yourself a little drink. All right. Bubbler was made out of metal you know what stacy has gave americans jobs there's anything worse than swimming in the beautiful ocean and seeing a piece of garbage float by it's like it's it's like this though how many masks do you think you've used during this pandemic how many masks yeah i've had this we have a pack of three like really good ones that stacy got that i've had one in my car and the same one so i've probably used i've probably used 80 of the time

the same three that we've washed and then as far as the quick the quick ones i just we just have those laying around if like in case of emergency so probably i would say a total of probably like 25 masks in a year and a half that's amazing you used one yeah i got one good one that had a cold filter i got it right away i used the one. Never had to use another one. I keep losing them. It's probably my mask floating out there in the ocean. Dude, I'm telling you. Like 7 billion people.

Thank God for the non-maskers. Maybe they were just anti-maskers. Maybe they were environmentalists. And here's the other beautiful thing if you throw it in a volcano. Don't point at me. What? Don't point at me. No, I didn't point at you. i'm just pointing here's the thing okay

i'm not doing anything i'm just pointing uh if you put it in a volcano you're not going to get the admission it's going to keep it'll keep it down there man it's actually volcano i mean that's the thing you'd have to fly the shit to Hawaii. You'd have to fly it to, to Hawaii. I have an active volcano. Cause my thing is like, yes,

everybody, they do. Hawaii has, I think Hawaii has multiple active volcanoes. Okay. Well, there you go. Cause now you,

now you avoid having to call up another country like, Hey, Iceland, it's America. Don't hang up. Don't hang up. Listen, we don't, this don't hang up listen we don't this is gonna be easy

we have a lot of trash dude you're just wondering it would be okay if we dropped it into your volcano and then your people breathed in the smoke yeah that's what it says what yeah it says that's that's an issue the doll the toxic air the uh toxic uh toxins that would get into the air major pollutants like uh sulfur dioxide carbon monoxide um it would actually be really bad for the people in that area um it also says that you can trigger an immediate chain reaction of explosions. So you can just be shooting plastic out of them. Little fireworks. Little fireworks show. And some of it actually says it would float on top.

Paul giving the speech in front of the volcano before it explodes, just going, and there you go, people. You know, you get an Italian, Greek on the job, stuff gets, oh, oh, oh! And then Paul running down the thing on his heels so he doesn't crease his fucking Jordans. Dude, there really is something about when an Italian explains something.

And I can't take full credit because I'm half Greek. But, dude, Brett Ernst said something to me the other day. And as soon as I was done the phone call, I go, I can't wait to get on stage. I went on stage and it fucking murdered. He goes like this. And he was dead serious. And he goes, yeah, Paul. Paulie.

He goes, yeah, what's up, kid? How you doing? He goes, listen man he goes you watch he goes you watch fucking harry potter and i go and i'm already laughing i go yeah man stacy's got all the books we saw the movies and he goes yeah it's fucking phenomenal he goes but here's the thing he goes what i didn't like is in the last one he goes when they clipped dumbledore he said when they clipped Dumbledore, he said when they clipped Dumbledore, like it was a mafia family in Newark. Like, well, he goes, he's still talking in riddles. It's like nobody, he goes, nobody's giving this kid a straight answer.

And he's being dead serious. And I go, dude, I'm going on stage. I have to say it. He goes, he goes, yeah, dude, I can't handle it. They never give the kid a straight answer. And I'm just listening to an Italian. I don't want to say it. He goes, he goes, yeah, dude, I can't handle it. They never give the kid a straight answer. And I'm just listening to an Italian. I don't want to leave meeting. I'm just listening to an Italian kid talk about a wizard, a fantasy movie. And he just did it with such a,

and Stacy was in the background listening on speaker and she loves Harry Potter. And she's just hysterical laughing. Cause Brett Ernst from, I mean, this is a guy that like meets a guy in a parking lot for cologne he goes I'm meeting my cologne guy I mean the guy is you know what's funny are they standing there like you know in a casino covering their lips he goes dude yeah I got he called me up and he goes yeah dude I got the new awkward the geo shit is I gotta get you one he sent me this is what kind of sweetheart brett ernst does he found out that i wanted a rope chain to compliment this and he goes what's

your address and he bought him and his mom were out and they got it for him and i'm just going like what and he goes yeah no it's nice it's a nice little don't worry about it he goes and i go oh dude i gotta say he goes no no you know buy dinner that's what it says no no just get me a soda don't worry about it when i was in vegas yeah no i know he told me i was like dude that that i was so jealous going on something i was talking about uh talking about uh um a little person and i referred to him as uh that little fella there yeah yeah reason that just struck him is fucking hilarious uh dude you him bobby bartnick i mean i was so jealous that crew is like bartnick wasn't there, but Bobby was there. Oh, Barnick. No, dude, I just wanted to. I envisioned myself knocking on the door and somebody open it

and seeing, like, all you guys and just smoking. It would have been like, because that's my crew. I mean, those are my guys, you know? So it must have been good. It was a two-stick night. I'm sure. Well, yeah, and you stay in the room. You're smart, man. I would have been like, you, and you stay in the room. You're smart, man.

I would have been like, you don't want to play dice? Let's go play some dice. Oh, speaking of Vegas and dice, Conor and Greg. Just so I could walk around the casino smoking a cigar. I love that. That's what I love about Vegas. You can smoke inside. I saw some poor bastard, fucking this old guy, right?

Looked like a, drove a snowplow, a construction worker guy. He was talking to these two chicks, young girls, and they were giving him shit. And he was standing, he was like 6'4", and he had his cigarette up at like seven feet in the air, just standing like, he's like, is that better? Is that better? He's throwing the fucking dice it's hilarious um dude it's vegas you're in a casino i can smoke in here

it's fantastic it's it's fantastic it's smoking a stick indoors is is top what's better than smoking inside is fucking unbelievable. Smoking a cigar inside while watching a sporting event in a, in a leather lounge chair. It's, it's probably not anything better. No, no, there really isn't.

Dude. I would say it's on par with other things. If my wife pulled my dick out and was like, I can't wait to get after it. That, that would be one and was like, I can't wait to get after it, that would be one. You know, I mean, she said, hey, well, that's a rough one, okay? Hey, talk about a long shot, okay?

No. Dude, if my wife ever grabbed my dick and said, I can't wait to get after it, I'd be like, what the fuck are you going to do to it? I can't wait to get after it i'd be like what the fuck are you gonna do to it i can't wait to get after it that was a little uh a little aggressive for my taste that just sounds like some large march chick oh i'm gonna get you back to the room and let me tell you i'm gonna hurt you Roman let me tell you I'm gonna hurt you I think I'm gonna pass oh shit no but you know what I mean no woman has ever grabbed a guy's dick and said I can't wait to get after it that's like a sports analogy now that you got the dick in the picture I can't figure out how that that analogy is even used how was your first quarter well you know we wanted to get out there we wanted to get after it

like my wife last night when she pulled pulled my dick out of my sweatpants you guys got any more questions oh dude dude you know what i mean though if your wife i don't know you mean it was just a funny way of saying it. Now that you say it, though, if my wife grabbed my dick and just looked at it and goes, I can't wait to get after it, I would be like. I would think my wife was on drugs or something. Like what's happening? Like, you know, some people, their brain goes crazy when they get older. They go crazy, right?

I would think that something happened like she was developing another personality you had a stroke yeah um i would say yeah i would say your wife giving the old you know is a good one uh and anybody's saying they want to get after it and they're going for my privates it's like you're not touching my privates with that energy no you know what i remember somebody said i don't obviously i can't mention names i have a friend who said that another friend got a little bit of the eight ball corner pocket and one of them goes hey dude let's get after it tonight and that was so i i don't know why that popped in my head thinking my wife was pulling down my pants saying that but um we

didn't talk about that how the one time when people be like hey paul do you party like do you party oh dude that means yeah so so i'm glad you brought that up me and yannis papas did a show at the mohegan sun and then we go to the lounge to get a cocktail. I'm sorry, at the Borgata for the Mazzilli's. And they do like a three headliner thing at the Borgata in their big room. And they gave us a room. And Steve Mazzilli was coming down. We're friends with Steve. So yeah, we'll go get a drink, anything like that. So me and Giannis are waiting, hanging out. And this guy and his wife come up there from Philly. That was an animal. You could take as an animal. He goes, Hey man, nice show fellas.

This and that. I really liked this bit. I liked that bit. So I see him like I see him in the hallway again. And he goes, Hey dude, he goes, he's like the party. And I'm like, yeah, I love to party. He goes, all right, man. Come on. He goes, come with me to the bathroom. He goes, come with me to the bathroom party he goes come with me to the bathroom and then i thought it was like i thought it was some sort of like hit nami thing i didn't know i didn't want so i was like no no i he said come to the bathroom with me and i said no and then i and then he goes no dude i but i i didn't know going to the bathroom i didn't know

what party meant i didn't know that do you like do you like to party means this i didn't know going to the bathroom, I didn't know what party meant. I didn't know that do you like to party means this. I didn't know that. So I thought it was this dude who liked my comedy and then wanted to fucking do some shit with me. Oh, yeah. First you thought he meant have a couple of drinks. Then you were like, this guy's gay. Yeah, because when he was like, do you like to party?

I'm like, yeah. And I'm thinking, like, you want a drink? You want a shot? You know this let's smoke a stick and then he's like dude i'm going to the bathroom right now and i was like nah dude i'm not then you were thinking of will forte i will let you fuck me pick something in the room tell me what you want me to fuck tell me what you want me to fuck what was that uh um mcgruber one of the most underrated comedies of all time i fucking love that movie oh my god dude it was one of the funniest the name's mcgruber m and he goes he goes no you just blew our cover

he did everything wrong he did every oh dude that was so no no no no no no oh no oh no oh i blew them up i'm so fucking stupid he blew up his whole team what about the sex scene with kristen wigg hey hey hey the sex scene with kristen wigg and then when he went to the to the cemetery and he had sex with the ghost of his wife who was maya rudolph and the the groundskeeper just sees him going dude i had one brother to the right of me and one brother to the left of me. And I'm just I just could not contain my I was fucking crying, dude. What about when he was the insurance phone guy?

And he goes and the guy he comes over finally and the guy goes, you can't do that. You can't do that anymore. Oh, no. So he's in the background no oh dude he's on a whole other level i heard i heard that there were talks of a mcgruber too and and then i don't know if it fell through, but dude, dude, every day fucking rebooted everything at this point. The fact that will Forte is, is that guy is one of, dude, I used to me and I used to talk to you about that guy when he was on SNL

going, this guy is not getting enough burn. You told me, you told me when he did that, that dance thing, the sketch with Peyton Manning, Bill haters behind the towel. Just the only time I ever seen him just totally, that and the California's just lost his shit. He goes, we were down 56 points. Okay. And then Wooden,

coach John Wooden, he played this cassette for us. And it was just like, and dude, he started doing this shit and he goes a whole, like four minutes till his hair is going like this. Dude, Peyton Manning and Bill Hader were losing control of themselves. He never broke character.

Dude, Stacey was crying. It's one of the funniest things ever, dude. And they don't have it up. You can't get it. You got to get like the best of Will Forte or like try to find it on YouTube. But dude, that dude is that's one of the most funniest dudes ever, man. Yeah. He is a, he's next level. He's beyond a beast. That guy. I love cigars.

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Dude, not going to lie. Out of all 23 episodes i had 24 episodes i think we nailed that one the best i mean that was yeah what about the all of a sudden there's a japanese babe ruth dude so i just heard about this guy like a week ago what's his name i watched him on the all-star home run uh otani is his last name ot. And he does anything close to what Babe Ruth did. I'd say he's better. Dude, he's doing some stuff that, yeah, he's doing some stuff now that Babe Ruth has not rest his soul. You know what I mean?

But he's doing stuff that like he's leading off and pitching like in the all-star game. And he has more home runs than anybody in the league at the break and he hit more home runs than anybody in a season from japan breaking matsuo's record impressive as a babe ruth season because i'd say this is babe ruth only competed with white people all right so you got white people make up like a third of the league so you gotta look at like 60 of those white guys he competed with wouldn't be in the league but there were less teams so you got to bump that number down i would say like 40 35 40 of the people babe ruth went up against wouldn't even be in the league and then on top of that he's also the only guy where they

they built a baseball stadium around his strengths. Strengths, right. Right. No, that's a... The fact that this guy is playing Major League Baseball when, if you're good, you can get in, and he's really competing against the world's talent pool, to a certain extent, because I'm sure there's some people that could be in the league, just don't have the exposure. But I think it's incredible what that guy's doing.

I would love baseball. And I think the one thing that baseball needs, because baseball is dying, dude. Baseball is, it'll always come back around, but baseball, yes, it's a dying sport right now. And it's because of everything right now. I could see it with my kids. That's how you could really see because like kids are starting to play right now, which I never grew up with,

but lacrosse is starting to become big. Kids want fast pace. When I talk to my son and my daughter, it's fast paced. So I think you're going to, I think what baseball needs is a guy like this Otani guy. Cause I think if you have more guys that can strike you out and hit a 430 foot bomb, and then you're like, Oh dude, this guy. So then there's like, then it makes it that's like baseball. Like that's like little league baseball. Kids hit kids pitch. Cause right now basketball, man. And now lacrosse is coming. And I just think that, uh, dude, baseball slow to the other night i was watching it and i

was trying to be into it and i'm just going like it's slower than the last two minutes of a nba basketball game it's fucking excruciating because i was sitting there talking about that that uh soccer championship the england versus italy yeah by the way i owe you 50 bucks. But no, just we'll put that on the thing. We have a number because I owed you and then there was a steak dinner. But I still owe you from the Super Bowl. So we'll just keep up. We'll keep a yearly number. And when we see each other, we'll knock it out.

But all I know is like the people overseas all sit there going like, what the fuck's with your sports? Like something happens and then there's a timeout. And it takes, you know, a one hour game takes three hours to play. And I actually think the NFL and the NBA have worked in all of these stoppage of plays to squeeze in more commercials and stuff. And like, I think the NFL is too slow and I think NBA is, is horrifically slow. I will tell you the King of all sports right now. I believe this.

No, no hockey Hockey's hockey's fantastic, but I think the king right now, MotoGP. And I was wrong. I was wrong. I was wrong when I denied it, but shout out to Dana White and the UFC. UFC is king. It just is. And here's why. Okay okay every other minute it's king oh my god you were kicking and screaming to get in dragging your feet i don't like looking at these guys in the missionary position with each other yep i don't like their feet sweet science yes you're because dana white makes the guy fight the guy if you're number two ranked in the world, you got to fight number one. And you know what?

You're doing it on this day. And if you don't, you lose your place and the next guy in line gets it. All right. That's what boxing used to have. It was a monopoly. Exactly. And boxing now has one or two guys that might fight in a year. And Dana White's got an event every other Saturday.

There's a pay-per-view. My mother, we got to the beach house on Saturday. My mother's 71 years old and we're sitting down and I go, hey, that McGregor fight's on. And my mom goes, yeah, order that. I love watching those fights. And they were enthralled in the whole card. And that one guy with the green hair getting the shit kicked out of him.

I never seen anything like that before. Guy was just coming forward, just took like just took like 280 guys fucking nose was over here i've never seen he was still talking to it he was literally fighting professionally is just it's just dude he was gonna it was just and the guys believe dude it was it was like gruesome and um but dude mcgregor i will tell you this i didn't like mcgregor doing this i didn't like i didn't like well now they found out that his foot was broken earlier in the fight but i don't like that he was talking shit about the guy's wife and then saying i'm gonna kill you while he's on the ground and it's like no he only said something about his wife he said it was a

doctor he was gone like no but dust. He said it was a doctor. No, but Dustin Poirier was like, he goes, this guy's a piece of shit, man. He goes, he was literally like threatening murder. And then he goes on when the fight dude, he's selling the fight. Yeah. Listen, I like Connor. I like Connor, but I told you, I said, you say, now, how the fuck can he say your wife's my DM? I go, he's selling the next fight already.

That's going to be totally marketing. The guy knows what the fuck he's doing and then i saw round ronda rousey tweeted saying i never would have had the presence of mine after sitting on my ass there to start whatever she said to fucking promote a fight that's what she that's what he's doing they all say that shit i'm gonna fucking kill you and then the end of the fight no i, I really respect him. He's a great guy. Really hits hard. Dude, McGregor's a science. Let me say something about this fucking piece of shit. He's not my same class. I'm going to kick the shit out of him.

His kids are ugly. Blah, blah, blah. And then the end. You know, his kids are actually good looking. He hits hard. I got nothing but respect. He has a lovely wife right i was just trying to get in his head dude he's the best he's like one of the top three all-time shit talk you're gonna

pay with your life who the fuck are you he's leaving on a stretcher steven when steven a smith what the fuck's he done he ran he left He left. You're not going to do nothing. You're not going to do nothing. I mean, dude, you could literally play five minutes straight at something. The funniest shit fighters have ever said, just using him. I love that guy. And there's another thing, too. I fucking hate when a guy who's as great as he is at fighting, inevitably, you know, all of those hits to the head,

like time catches up with you. And then all these fucking bitches on the internet who never had a fight in their life, they actually enjoy seeing the great guy get beat up or whatever, because it somehow makes them feel better about their own. I don't know what it is, but like all that shit. I always go back to Roy Jones when Roy Jones finally got knocked out those last couple of times, The amount of joy, like you look at the comments, people go, some people go like, I watched this at least once a week. It's like, dude, what does that say about you? Yeah, dude, that's like.

Like, what did this guy do to you? He went out and he was great at something. Yeah. He made a bunch of money. He looked good doing it. He was one of the greatest of all time and women desired him. So that got you into a certain place so now you fucking you know you run home from your life that you hate to watch this guy get knocked on his ass so it makes you feel better about your own life it's it's it's weak it's a fucking weak move i uh i have somebody that was close to me in my family

that uh has anger issues and he has projection issues. And he met somebody and dude, his whole life changed this guy. And he literally had a conversation and he goes, yeah, dude, he goes, I would look at somebody and just get angry and go, what the fuck? You want to know what his and find all like wrong things and on it and he goes and it was all because i envied him and i go wow he goes yeah and he goes and i met somebody to make me figure that out and now i wish good on him and like the person is a different person and it went from somebody that you'd be around when you were drinking with them that they

had that angst you know those ticking time bombs that you drink with and they're like nice at the beginning but you just know that something's gonna happen and they're just gonna and he was like one of those like what has he done what the fuck is it what is it and it was all because of self-shit and then he he rid himself of that and now he's like the chillest dude and it's like uh you know it's the woman in his life you want why? Because she grabbed his dick and she got after him. Well, I'll say this, dude. You can't meet another person that's going to do that for you. You still have to do the work.

You know what I mean? You can be in the bliss of the relationship in the beginning. But then at some point, you're going to have to undo all of that bullshit yourself. Right. some point you're gonna have to undo all of that bullshit yourself right but if somebody loves you is if she ever dumps him you know brace yourself right but i think if somebody that you love sees it and goes what are you doing and you love that person and they go like you see what you're doing right i think that that's a big thing dude that is big thing, but it's not a sitcom or an episode of Dr. Phil where it's like, you need to see why you're doing that.

Oh, yeah, and then you're all fixed. It's like you don't undo. That guy is a fucking genius. That guy's stealing money. That guy's stealing money. That guy's a thief. I just can't feel like i can lose the weight well what you need to do is have a little more discipline yeah it's like we're gonna go to commercial

and all these stupid fat women are clapping the fuck out of here uh i love when he had that catch me outside girl and then the next time she was on, he goes, we don't have any studio audience, so you don't think that we are exploiting her. It's like you got to run the show again. You didn't let 80 nitwits sit there and watch it. You're still having it on. You still have advertising. It's an excuse.

It's an excuse. It's an excuse. You know how much money that guy's making? How about you stop asking what's wrong with her and start asking what's wrong with yourself? Dude, I love him. He's the music man of psychology. Yeah.

That guy gets in his car with his wife on the way home, just nudging her. Yeah, we're doing it, honey. Oh, no, I think they're actually, unfortunately, they're going their separate ways. Oh, him and his wife? Yeah, she fucking probably got tired of that shit, too. You need to blow me more. my dick out and get after it we're living in a castle andrew i think we know the episode you don't do shit all day

i'm the breadwinner come over here and speak into the mic. My dick ain't going to suck itself. You need to get on your knees. Dude, how nuts would it be if he was- Who has a shell? That's right, me. Your cooking is terrible. When Oprah calls the house, she while I eat Doritos. I love Toxic Dr. Phil. Oh, dude.

Toxic Dr. Phil? I did two tapings today. I have no nice left in me. You. I don't like your haircut. My balls are full. If you ain't going to do it, I'm going to pick up the phone and find someone who will. You need to lick my ass.

With my cowboy boots on. I'm going to watch the sunset. The sunset. Oh, shit. All right, this is getting blasphemous well i hope he can he you know keeps most of his money oh no half of that's gone he knew that going in he knew that well smart rich men have another separate account. It's just what it is. No, the offshore. Yeah. You just have something, you know, God forbid a rainy day comes along. Never heard anybody single.

What do you do if he comes back with hair plugs? Oh, that's right. I was just lying. Look at these locks. I think my wife left me because I was bald now she wants me back she can go herself i've always wanted to look like brett michaels if he just had a mane if dr phil just had a mane yeah it comes out with a bandana lead singer a deaf leopardppard in the 80s.

Underrated band. Def Leppard, dude. I thought they were great. Dude, those two albums, High and Dry. Photograph. High and Dry and that album. Pyromania. Pyromania.

Incredible album. Dude, those like. Pyromania. Incredible album. Dude, those like. Albums. Then Animal. They went pop in 88. But those two fucking albums. Dude, the lead singer of Def Leppard was like the spokesperson for. Joe Elliott, I think his name is.

Yeah, for Virgin Australia Airlines. And he was talking about Virgin Australia Airlines. When you fly first class, they have a massage room. Like you go into a room and you could just get a full fledged massage in the thing. And I was just like, dude, could you imagine flying first class, having a couple Johnny Blues and then getting a fucking rub down on a 20-hour flight dude oh my god you need to book that flight no seriously dude that would be dude dr phil took down dr phil took down like hundreds of millions that kid has got money to give her head oh yeah and did oprah oprah discovered him is that right or like oprah put him on yeah he came on like that was the thing that she had like this

star like oprah was so big that if she tapped you you had like a chance because that Dr Steve guy this is her coaching tree of of data it's her Dr Phil Dr Steve there was some other woman a black woman and somehow she ended up having a falling out but now she's back and um, um, is it Gail, Gail, something or other, right? Yeah. Yeah.

King. Yeah. Now Gail King has, is a media is in the media. Very big. And if Oprah liked your book as an author and she put your book in her book club. Yeah.

She pretended that you, that she read it. You sold, you were on like new york's like new york times bestseller and you were making money and she would say yeah it's like oprah you didn't read all those books how much time do you have i mean you can't run a network and do it she had a room full of people reading for her yeah my wife has been reading the same book on the fucking beach for four days now. Oprah wasn't reading all those books. Okay. My wife is reading this book called the Warsaw orphan and she's on the beach

reading it. And, uh, and stupid me, I go, you know what I said? I walk, I go, yeah, you know, I, uh, I went to Warsaw. I've been to Warsaw. Don't try to big lead me with your book. Yeah, yeah. I was actually there. I performed in front of that orphan. I remember that flight, dude. We flew through the snow on a propeller plane to Warsaw. I remember that.

Never forget that. That was great. That was fucking. One of my favorite lines you ever said was, I know everything about aviation. that was one of my favorite lines you ever said was i know everything about aviation you always go big with the first statement i go everything paul yeah i mean i i you know i i read up on it i'm fascinated then it always it immediately gets cut in half like a residual check residual check paul verzi i know everything about aviation oh my god that's so funny i read like three articles about like certain things and i about engines and stuff and then i was like oh

yeah no and i would always use the three bullet points no you got to get to 10 000 feet you're good it always happens this shit you know trying to get my instrument rating here i'm trying to have the time to do it it's fucking difficult like just is it's a whole other it's a whole other level of flying like flying vfr is a fucking joke compared to like visually as opposed to flying by your instruments it's like a whole other i would never i would never as a pilot want to fly just instrument just because of just because of the the no not knowing if things were right not seeing anything would really you have that's what your gauge you have to be looking at your gauges like you're you're looking out the window and they're giving you all the information you need.

It's fucking amazing, dude. It's like one of the, like, you know, people are, dude, I'm fucking smart. Like, the people who came up with that, they're smart. Like, you do a set, dude, you're a fucking really smart comedy. It's like, yeah, wait a minute, for comedy. I'm not guiding i didn't come up with a system that guides a plane of 700 people around mountains and other airplanes and you come right out of the clouds dude and you are perfectly lined up with the runway and those people that do that aren't right either elon musk is not right elon musk admitted it elon musk has asperger's he's

not dude you can't wait why are you lumping him in with the people that came up with the fucking ifr system no no i'm not saying that i'm saying that the minds of those people those people are on another thing it's not just that's like the way comedians have weather damage you have to be like you know elon musk said he has asperger's okay that some people are smarter than we are you don't have to try to knock them down no i'm just saying dude you got to be on another thing to like try to get people to mars to actually make that happen you you're what do you mean by another thing a next level of being intelligent because i know you're not saying that because that's what i said no you. You're saying something else. You're just trying to say that they have like Asperger?

No, I'm saying that there's a, yeah, not smart like what you're saying. Obviously smart. I'm saying there's another, there's something else going on with them that might hinder them in society or socially. What? They got a better brain, Paul. Like if we were like cars, what it's a better they got a better brain paul like if we were like cars paul if you were a car what kind of car ah let's just i want to do this if i was a car i already you already have the white leather fucking sweatshirt on i was like if i was a car fucking car if you were a fucking car would i be a cadillac or um cadillac well i mean everybody has the elements with their cat you're already getting offended i can see your eyes i'm doing something when i'm done um i gotta think about this is a great thing like if you're if you're

i would think that all right like if Dr. Phil was a car. Like I'm talking something loud. If Dr. Phil was a car, I would think... Not a muscle car. No, no, I would say like a Buick. Something like a Buick. Dr. Phil is a fucking Buick all day. Dr. Phil is like a Buick.

Yes, like a Buick, lacrosse. Or a Chrysler, same thing, yeah. Yeah, Chrys like a Buick Yes, like a Buick Lacrosse Yeah, Chrysler Buick Yeah That was their Cadillac So I would say Bill, you are For me, you're a Ford

Chevy all day A Ford or a Chevy all day Absolutely You're a Ford truck all day for me, a Ford or a Chevy all day. Absolutely. You're a Ford, you're a Ford truck all day. I think I would say that if you were, if you were, if it was still around for going American cars here. Yeah. Paul Verzi, you're like, you're like Mickey Rourke's car in the Pope of Greenwich Village, which I think was an Olds 88 or an Olds 98. Ooh, Oldsmobile.

Silver with red leather interior, red steering wheel, as he drove it with his hands like that not to fuck up his manicure. Andrew, can you get that picture? I want to see this thing. I want to see what I am. I want to see it. I want to see that i want to see this thing i want to see what i am i want to see it i want to see it but then i think like these scientists these people that think those things out they are like the highest level of performance cars like out of maybe like i would say you're a european finely refined well what i was what i was saying was the way comedians have some sort of damage

and need to have attention that makes us really funnier and good entertainers in certain cases i think somebody that can figure out how to get to mars they have something like that but in in their way you know you have to do that. You have to have drive. Nobody was just fucking like, yeah, you know, like not motivated would do that.

But like those guys are like, they also have next level brains too. No, but I don't think that those, those guys weren't at the high school party getting laid is what I'm saying. I don't think. Why do you have to knock them down, Paul?

No, but it's not a knock. It's just a guy that studied a lot. That's all. I'm not knocking I don't think. Why do you have to knock him down, Paul? No, but it's not a knock. It's just a guy that studied a lot. That's all. I'm not knocking it. It isn't. Paul, how many books could you read before you could figure out how to send somebody to Mars?

There's not enough books for me. No, it's true. The brain is just, I guess their brain is just on another thing. It's another thing. I mean, Elon Musk is saying, like, y'all got Asperger's. That's what I've been saying for, like, 10 minutes. You're so fucking funny, and now you come. You won't say it, though.

You won't just say they're smarter than us. You keep going, and they're on this other thing. They got, like, a next level thing. You know, they can figure out how to go to Mars to mars they ain't getting some ass at a frat party tell you that right now you got a fucking thing with that paul yeah nobody's getting after it for them no yeah yeah they're smarter but i think that there's a deep you know i i can't fully say do you know what i mean like i can't your issue i can totally give it up they are smarter than i am and they would listen to me talking and at some point i would i i'm smart enough to see their

eyes that they've been like oh oh and then the antenna is going down and they're just gonna yeah yeah yeah and kind of turn and talk to somebody else all right dude i i gotta i gotta uh i gotta go fucking do i gotta pitch a show here so who do somebody else. All right, dude, I got it. I got to, I got to go fucking do. I got to pitch a show here. So who do you got? Who do you, who do you got real quick tonight?

Is the Greek freak and the, I got the fucking box to tie it up and I'm going to a cigar bar. Oh, with three. Oh, I just hurt your heart. Sorry. I'm going with three of my friends.

We kind of reserved the table. Oh, I'm going your heart. Sorry. I'm going with three of my friends. We kind of reserved a table. I'm going to fucking sit there. My buddy's got a box of real Cubans. I'm going to start with a little fucking nub, you know, just for the pregame. Well, you. I'm going to call up Dr. Phil and and say you are a single man you need to go to a cigar bar uh dude i think i hope he gets i hope he gets a hair system oh dude that would be epic dude dude i want him to have like that aquaman guy's hair dude if he just came out with a mullet or a main and just said she could take half

fuck her he turns into like will ferrell gator oh he puts i got a tiger in me and he wants to walk around what do you think of that joyce his wife's name is joyce yeah he's got like a medallion um i have the bucks tonight too i haveucs tying it at 2-2, and this thing's going to get real interesting if they do that. But the Suns win tonight. It's a wrap. It's over. They have to win.

It's over. That's why you get – I mean, if you're a fan of sports here. Yeah. Fan of basketball. I want this thing to keep going. I want to see seven games. You know what? I'll admit it at the end of the episode.

They're smarter than us yeah it doesn't mean you're a bad person paul doesn't mean i'm a bad person you know some of us i didn't study i didn't study and i wanted to see what i could have done if i did you know you're just like me okay we just we could have read all day the proof's in the pudding paul sunday we should we should show our high school fucking report cards if you can still find them. Oh, we got to do that. All right, guys, this has been episode 24. Please follow us, like,

review the show. As always, the show is moving up constantly. So is the Verzi Effect. Check out the Monday morning podcast. Check out the YouTube channels.

July 23rd, guys, please come out to Fairfield, the SHU Theater. I'll be there. July 30th through the 31st, Zany's in Nashville, Tennessee. I got a ton of dates coming in August. I'm going to, where am I going to be on the 6th and 7th? I'm going to be in Omaha. I'm going to be at Wise Guys, September 3rd and 4th. All of these dates and all of the new tour dates are on paulverzee.com. You can get tickets there.

Bill, where are you going to be? Nowhere. I thought you got a big one coming up. You're going on tour, no? No, not until the end of August. Oh, okay. I got Foxwoods in August. I'm doing a benefit for Wayne Previty, the late, great Wayne Previty,

one of my great, great friends in life who unfortunately passed away last year. August 11th at the Wilbur. Tickets went on sale, sold out already. And then I got all my tour dates up on billburr.com. And I'll tell you, man, I'm going to get after it. You're going to grab onto that microphone and get after man, I'm going to get after it. You're going to grab onto that microphone and get after it. I will also be at the Wilbur Theater October 22nd doing one show. I want to sell it out and add another. So get those tickets, guys. This has been episode 24 of Anything Better. Until next week, we are at the here.