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what's up everybody and welcome back to the best new podcast on planet earth you know what it is
it's anything better time with myself paul verzi bill burr we got the greek freak uh producer
extraordinaire andrew themmlis. You guys are
listening to episode, what is this? 17, 18? 18, guys. And I want to say, Bill, we got a lot of
shit for missing one. People were going, my mornings aren't the same. So there you go, guys.
You know what? Who was 18? Was 18 Johnny Unitas?
go guys you know who was 18 was 18 johnny unitas yes 18 was johnny unitas randy vataha and the patriots way back in the 70s for you old heads i don't know a lot of 18 wait peyton manning
no peyton annie was 19 that's why i always get the two of them confused i always get night yes
okay guys thank you so much for the positive reviews on anything better. Keep them coming. Rate, review. It makes the show go up. Get anything better on Spotify, iTunes, everywhere
you get your podcasts. We really appreciate all the numbers going up and everybody listening to
the show. And Bill, I wanted to start off by saying, you know something? I don't know. You
know, I was watching some NBA basketball last night and I don't know how the Nets do it. You
know, I was thinking to myself, because when it was over, I saw James Harden do the sign of the cross. And then in an interview,
he said, we want the world to know. It's just the way they're eking out these wins.
It's, you know, it is, it's what I love the most. It's my favorite sports story.
You know, when some underdog team just digs down deep and just shows like the level of heart that they showed i mean the guy had 18
assists in one game can you imagine having 18 assists when you're playing with bums like kevin
durant that fucking guy that we had i don't know much about hoop i can't watch it paul when is the
i mean yeah just like the way they're gritting this out with three first ballot Hall of Famers on their starting five
and all-stars on the bench.
It's like, it's just really like they should make a move.
It's everything I love about, I love competition, Paul.
And when can you, you can vacuum up all these stars around the league
and put them on one team.
And my team is down by 40 by the second quarter.
I mean, that's what I'm into, Paul. I like to see the
clash of the football players versus the math team. I mean, that's what I'm into, man. I mean,
forget Hoosiers with Gene Hackman. I mean, who's going to play? Who's going to play?
What is the NBA now? It seems like now that the Lakers have fallen off,
because what's-his-face got hurt, unfortunately.
Yeah.
Now that they're out of it, it's just like they're going to waltz Utah, man.
That's who I got to go with, Utah.
How are they doing?
I think Utah is the most well-rounded as far as outside shooters,
defensive player of the year.
Yeah, but Paul, listen, anybody can look at college draft picks
and try to figure out which one of them is going to be good.
I know.
And which is going to be a bust.
There's no skill in that.
No, there's no skill in building from the ground up.
The skill is finding people who have already established
that they can play at the NBA level
and promising them a mountain of cocaine and hookers to come to your
fucking city to squeeze onto your bench.
Yeah.
And then what you do is you put them up against another team.
I mean, it was just like, I don't even, I mean, we won the one game.
It was great to see, but it was just like, we don't even, I mean, we won the one game. It was great to see, but it was just like,
we weren't even in the same stratosphere.
I mean, Jaylen Brown was also hurt, but dude, we weren't even in this.
It's like, we weren't even in the same league, dude.
It looked like the fucking dream team versus like, you know, fucking,
I don't know, back in the day, one of those European teams.
I wonder what Steve Nash is saying to these guys.
Cause I'll tell you something that that Kurt Russell speech in Miracle,
I mean, how is that being topped?
All I'm saying is I just hope that they film it.
I mean, I see the 30 for 30 coming.
I mean, this should be a movie, Paul.
We should option the rights of the Brooklyn Nets.
This is so exciting.
And, I mean, coming out of a pandemic,
to just see a feel-good story of the underdog.
I mean, and, Paul, you've got to admit, this came out of nowhere.
I mean, nobody saw this coming at the beginning of the year.
I've got to tell you something, Bill.
If they make it to, like, towards the finals,
they should get Al Michaels, who said, do you believe
in miracles, to maybe do this last
game that they're in. To come up with something.
I already think the fact that they got
past the first round,
it's already like they're building
towards something.
And I think, Paul, if they could just add a few
more pieces, if they could
maybe get LeBron on that team
with a healthy anthony davis
i think they have a chance paul and i'll tell you right now i cannot wait to put my hard-earned
dick and shit joke money down to see this nba product because i i have paul i don't watch sports
for entertainment no No, no.
When I drive by the playground and I see the bully beating the shit out of some kid with glasses,
I can't get enough.
No, no.
I cheer him on.
I got to get my kids in front of the TV for this.
This is life lessons.
You're showing them how World Banks works.
Yeah.
You see the Brooklyn Knicks?
Yeah.
That's the Illuminati. You watching the Celtics? That's works. Yeah. You see the Brooklyn Knicks? Yeah. That's the Illuminati.
You watching the Celtics?
That's us.
Well, I got to tell you something.
When that one Hall of Famer kicked it to the outside
and the other Hall of Famer hit a three,
it just was like, I just couldn't believe what I was watching, dude.
I mean, they took over the game.
You know when you get chills up your neck
when you're seeing something special
that's it was the whole game it was the whole game i cannot wait to see jason tatum on that team next
year i'll tell you the sad thing the sad thing was i'll tell you the sad i'll tell you the sad thing the sad thing was um i'll tell you the sad i'll tell you the sad thing paul is if you then just turn the channel and watch the nf nhl playoffs yeah it's it's fucking
ridiculous dude i watched the celtics first to brooklyn that's i mean i was taking a nap
i watched the first two games brooklyn the brooklyn the boston bruins versus the new
york islanders i aged like 20 years in a good way.
Like when we lost in overtime, this kid had a fucking snipe little,
he got on a breakaway, just fucking put a top shelf.
I literally questioned why am I a sports fan?
That's how much it hurt, you know?
Yeah.
It's not like there was not, you know,
and I'm watching all of these, every other series that I'm putting on, just like the,
the energy and the excitement and the, you know what it is?
What's that word? What competition, Paul? Yeah.
The competition when you have evenly matched. Oh my God, dude.
You want to talk about one of the most heartbreaking things that I saw other
than the fact that the Brooklyn Nets lost one game of the last series, which was
so heartbreaking to see, you know, I mean, your heart feels for those kids. I just, you know,
and to see them, the fact that they had to go to a game five, it's a travesty. It's a travesty.
You know what I mean? Yeah. And I think a post me to America needs to realize how toxic it was that the Celtics didn't let those kids just sweep them.
Dude, the fucking Toronto Maple Leafs.
Oh, that game seven.
That game six and that game five.
Dude.
Right.
The Toronto Maple Leafs are like, like if I was the mayor
of Toronto
I would have a sage tax
okay
and I would get the biggest bundle of fucking
I don't know what that city is built on
it's like poltergeist dude
it's beyond
as much as you think you're suffering
as a Knicks fan
okay the Knicks fan.
Okay?
The Knicks had the decency to put you out of your misery like three,
four weeks into the season most years.
Yeah, that's the thing, yes.
That's not what the Maple Leafs do.
Maple Leafs do what they did what the Red Sox used to do to me.
They'd have a nice 18-game lead going into the fucking September. No way you can fuck this up. They lost five in a row. One game playoff, you give up a
home run to a fucking shortstop. Ball goes through your fucking, every fucking way to blow it with
the whole world watching. This is what the Maple Leafs do every, I couldn't do, they had, they lost two overtime games, game five, game six,
both on giveaways. I want to say in their own end, both times. And then they just showed up
lifeless for game seven. And watching those Maple Leafs gathered outside the fucking arena every year.
Dude, it's the hardest ticket to get in the NHL.
You cannot get a free ticket to a Toronto Maple Leafs game.
They are the greatest fans in sports as far as how hard it is to get a ticket and what they do to their fans.
I mean, dude, if they beat, people don't understand down here
what it means to beat the Montreal Canadiens for Toronto.
And also to not do it and then to fucking choke to them.
I mean, that is as close to winning a Stanley Cup.
Just to shut up those loafer-wearing, pocket-squared cunts pretending they're from Paris up in Montreal.
Just to shut them up for the first time since fucking LBJ.
And they had it right on their fingertips, Paul.
We get it.
You speak French.
Three fucking games.
Dude, that team should be tried for assault,
what they did to those poor people up in Toronto.
I'll tell you, there's a reason you don't see Drake at a Maple Leafs game.
You know, it's funny. It's like when you finally tell your parents about the girl you're dating, you finally make the move. And then all of a sudden she
doesn't come up again. And you're like, ah, you know what? I got that one wrong. She, uh, she,
she shacked up with somebody else. What can I tell you? I jumped the gun.
That's a perfect out. I got that one wrong. I got that one wrong.
Sorry, mom.
A month too early.
Blew a draft pick on that one.
Yeah, you're right.
And that's the one thing I want to say about the Knicks this year.
If we lose tonight and we're done, I could say this.
It was a great year.
Vegas had us dead last.
We got a coach that we all bought into.
We played defense, got to the playoffs, got to take my son to not only his first playoff game, my first playoff game. We come back
and win. Now we could look, if we lose tonight, we look, okay, where do we need improvements?
It was a great year. Normally the Knicks put a bullet in the back of your head by Christmas,
by January, we know. And it's nice. Cause then you're like all right whatever man we'll go for fun to a game now yes yes it's the genuinely if you're gonna fucking blow it do it before
the holidays do it like a gentleman yes don't wait until the whole world is what was driving
me nuts dude on the nhl channel is they just kept going like shocking. I can't believe it's like there's nothing shocking about this.
They have done this three fucking times in the last decade.
I saw him do it against the Bruins.
Dude, they were up three games to one.
I was at game seven.
They were up like four fucking goals, Paul.
It was like a movie.
Three or four goals with like, I'd like, I swear to God, like six minutes left,
seven minutes left. I apologize to Toronto fans for dragging you back through this shit, but
I have empathy for them. And they fucking tie it up and it goes into overtime, Paul. And I just,
you know, I just, I don't know. As much as I feel for for them you got to feel for those kids on the Brooklyn
Nets though you really do Paul I mean geez that was like you know that was inspirational to me
yeah you know I wonder what they went through the night they lost you know like that must have been
a really tough like flight home it was quiet on all of those yachts. I will tell you that. There was not a lot of shrimp cocktails being eaten
that night. And Paul, they
dug down deep.
Yeah. They dug down
deep.
But I'll tell you, Paul, it doesn't
get any easier from here.
No. Okay, next round they could be facing
the Atlanta Hawks.
I'll tell you what.
Oh, those Atlanta Hawks, Paul.
Jesus Christ.
That's one bird you don't want on your shoulder.
They might go from 30 to 20 by winning.
Winning from 30 to 20 in this next round.
How does that affect them psychologically, Paul?
Where do they find it in them?
Who does James Harden pass to then?
Oh, dude. them who does james harden pass to then oh dude uh the nba is fucking ridiculous somebody said there's a lot of pressure on steve nash coaching this first team first i know
dude they should have like make a wish kids going down there yeah you can coach a quarter
don't worry about no you're legit coaching this is how much better we are than everybody else
this is jonathan smith he's from uh he's from brooklyn new york he's gonna he won the contest
he'll be coaching the second quarter tonight everybody wave to jonathan he's got spinal
meningitis he just got his spine drained he's gonna be laying on the fucking bench
this is what he does all right uh blind you you and you you guys just go out there
oh my god it's so fucking that's so funny yeah you know what's funny watching the celtics no
the celtics just like like like the Celtics did everything they could
with Jalen Brown out.
Kemba Walker was out.
Your coach kept coaching.
Tatum kept fighting.
I know, but so we fielded a team like this when we fucking –
when we had the big three.
This has been a problem in the NBA all the way back to Kobe, Shaq,
Phil Jackson, Ori, and all of those teams. And
they just, they, I think it's great for ratings. I think people, I don't know, they want to see
like a super group or something, but I would rather see them play each other.
I don't know about that. Barkley was talking last night and he goes, the sad thing about this is he
goes, Brooklyn doesn't even sound loud in here and he actually said he goes compared to the guard
and he goes this doesn't even feel like a playoff game dude there's such a there's such a new fan
base and then they kept chanting brooklyn brooke they kept chanting and it's just i can't i can't
you know i can't there's more yeah i know oh they got like a the dj plays the whole game to drown out the lack of passion it's not lack of passion
they're just sort of bored too i mean how hard are you going to keep cheering when your team's
up by 53 that's yeah well yeah just like a three-pointer to go in up 40. Actually, you know, the first pile on team was the Dream Team.
And I got to tell you, Paul, I hated that team,
and I didn't watch that team either.
The game to watch was Larry Bird versus –
it was Magic versus Jordan during practice.
I don't want to watch all those guys play Somalia.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
They got a big test. Dude dude they were beating Lithuania
by like 70 at one it was like it was just yeah you know how they should advertise Nets games
you got plenty of time to go to concessions yeah you need a beer go for it just watch the first quarter you're gonna take your kid for a tour of the barclays
yeah you'll be up by 20 by the time you get back to your seat um so how you doing bill i haven't
seen you i haven't talked to you what's going on here how's everything going on in california you
go are you taking dude my kids are just going i'm taking my kids to just, it's just sporting event
after sporting event
to where I hate to say this,
but I'm-
You took,
this is the charmed life
you live.
No,
I mean their sporting events.
But I'm saying though,
the charmed life,
Paul Verzi,
I should have buried that game.
When you told me
you were taking your son
to his first Knicks game,
game two,
I'm just like, Santa Claus is coming to town.
There's no way they lose.
Paul Verzi, if you ever wondered what Saint Nick looked like
when he was still in his middle age, it's Paul Verzi.
The man gets life.
He knows how to live.
He's a very zen.
And I knew you going down there was just like, yeah, dude,
you literally
are a tom hanks movie yo you know what's funny is one of the most um honored and humble and
amazing flattering nicknames i ever got was joe bartnick calling me santa claus and then when i
show up he goes santa claus is here call you the same.
How do you not have a drink with Joe Bartnick when you see him after not
seeing him and you see his smile.
He's one of those guys that when you see him,
it's like you're getting greeted on going on a cruise.
Yeah. Yeah. bruised yeah yeah you all the guys that you ever rounded up that you introduced me to i mean there's
a couple of beauts but all the guys that you write all just guys that are just like i could drink
with that guy all fucking night all night just all night good guys guys that get hammered
All night.
Just all night.
Good guys.
Guys that get hammered.
Guys that don't say no. One of his classic fucking statements ever.
He was in the green room.
He was in the green room.
Some fucking improv or something.
And he had a crown.
Crown on the rocks.
And he just had a great set.
And right before Lawhead went on stage, he goes, Jay, Jay. Jay turns back and he goes, I could set and he was and right before law had went on stage he goes jay jay jay
turns back and he goes i could drink a hundred of these
and you know what i know that feeling oh oh i love that feeling paul you know what though
he joe would go hard and then pass out you were the type that when you went and i
learned this about you later actually after we were friends for a long time you were the type
where when you said yes here's the thing about bill burke when he goes to drink he you you don't
go down you you just don't you're just like it went down right no it was like a it's like a
goddy ward fight where you're like there there's no way. How is he not?
How is he not?
And, dude, sometimes I – because I would go long, and I'd stay up later.
But when you went, dude, I couldn't fuck with you, dude.
When you really put it on.
No, dude, you were a marathoner, though.
I was a marathoner, for sure.
You were Gleason in The Hustler.
Yes.
All right.
Let's play some pool.
That was you at 5 in the morning.
Yes.
Yes. But you, you would go – You and Law That was you at 5 in the morning. Yes, yes.
But you, you would go.
You and Lawhead kept going that time on the bus.
And you had a bus driver who had been driving people all the way back in the 80s
when everybody was on blow.
He got up from his bunk the next morning.
You guys were still sitting there drinking.
He came out.
Remember Steve?
And he was just like, you got to be fucking kidding me.
You got to be shitting me.
You guys got to be fucking shitting me.
Dude.
I ain't seen that.
He goes, I ain't seen that in a long fucking time.
And we were just like, really?
He goes, yeah, I get people now, man.
They put heat on the bus.
They do fucking yoga.
No, we went through those bottles of Makers just talking, talking.
I'm a marathon runner for sure.
But when you went, when you decided to drink,
and here's how I would know because you would be asked after your third or fourth.
When you were done drinking, it was three or four,
and you were going, no, I got to get back.
I'll tell you this.
Mike Jordan, night of drinking, Jordan in Utah when he had the flu.
McKellen Winslow dragged me off the field.
You know what night that was.
That was Chicago.
Chicago, yeah.
The Liars Club or whatever.
It was a dive bar.
I didn't want to go.
It's not a dive bar.
It was a beautiful establishment that played ACDC.
And I brought half the bar up on the dance floor with me.
Oh, dude.
You guys were dancing to ACDCc i didn't want to go and
you go paul just go back to the hotel then and i'm like i'm not gonna fucking not you know and
you guys it was like a movie montage how you guys just that was the most out of sorts i've ever been
for a stand-up show because i slept until four or five in the afternoon the next day. I woke up.
I had a little something to eat.
Bless you.
Thank you.
These allergies are nuts, dude.
I had a little something to eat, and I just walked on stage.
And I just remember thinking, these people fucking worked all day.
Like, that's where their head is.
They probably had arguments trying to get ready to come out here tonight,
and I literally just fucking rolled out of bed.
I felt like such a piece of shit.
And the whole show,
I was terrified that I wasn't giving them their money's worth,
but Paul,
I pulled it off.
Yeah,
you did.
You know what?
I use the future Brooklyn nets as an inspiration.
Yeah.
That's what I'm going to do before.
I think the night before my special,
I'm just going to watch, I'm just going to watch,
I'm just going to watch them in the playoffs and just be, you know,
just marvel at it. Oh, dude, I'm already past you.
I'm going down to the playground today and I'm finding the smallest kid I can
find out there. I'm like, you want to do this? You want to go for money?
You got a little allowance money on your buddy. What do you got?
Full court.
I'm going to dunk on my son
tonight and just feel better you know just dunk on him and then to make sure you know where the
cameras are show people you got heart yeah do that 300 ah yell yeah let him know the sign yeah no
you're right you're right that's what i'm dunk your son, make him cry, and then chant Brooklyn in his face.
I think that was the message.
Oh, shit, dude.
I, uh...
No, God bless him.
God bless him, you know?
So, uh...
It's, uh...
So, Lucas, check this out.
Lucas is done with, uh... He just sat down, and he goes to... He with, he just sat down and he goes,
he said to me and Stacey, he goes,
stop making me play baseball.
I am done with baseball.
I hate it.
And we go, buddy, but you're so good.
Like at all the positions, you just make plays.
Stop.
He goes, I'm done.
And you're making me do something I don't want to do.
I'm done. He goes after these next three games I don't want to do. I'm done. He goes,
after these next three games, and I'm like, all right, dude, like, and then Stacy was like,
but you're so good. And after she's like, will you finish out the years ago, finish out the year,
I'm not quitting. I'm done. It's like, all right, he goes, I'm gonna play. So basically,
he's gonna play basketball. And then when he's not playing basketball, he wants to play golf.
Okay, and here's the thing, I have to give both you and your wife a tip of the
cap for incredible parenting because that kid already knows who he is and what's he want what
he wants and he's not afraid to say it to his parents and you validated him you listen to him
which which you're building here paul is going to be a a an asset to society well Well, Stacey gave him a little,
you know, Stacey, you're so good.
You sure?
Mom, mom, mom, I'm done with baseball.
Okay.
You know, he doesn't want to do it.
What can I do?
You know, he goes,
and you guys keep telling me that I'm good.
I don't care.
And I'm like, all right, dude.
Yeah, he knows.
This is it.
He's going to be in a relationship. If he gets some broad,
tries to walk all over him.
Hey, I'm done.
I'm done. I'm done.
Yeah.
Not doing this anymore.
Yeah.
Well,
if he,
yeah,
he's heard.
Yeah.
Paul,
look at you.
You can't even make eye contact.
No,
he's heard me and his mother get into a couple,
you know,
not bad though.
There's a thing.
There's a thing.
When me,
when me and my wife fight in front of our kids,
we,
they kind of just know like
they almost like look at each other like i think i think he's got her on this one or like i think
they don't like they're never like like one time sophie's like all right guys enough but like we
never like oh you fuck we don't do that we almost like have like a like a debate about like an
argument and then and then it's just like it's done i don't know if that's healthy or good but one thing i know it you know you're
showing them that it's not always no and then like we'll walk up and hug but like dude i mean
not to get heavy but i think when my parents fought like i think like a couple of plates
went against the wall yeah you're hiding your Yeah, like we were just sitting in the corner like, what the fuck is going on?
Like now we're just kind of talking, oh, let's get yogurt.
We were fucking around, you know?
It's just that's the way that it should be.
Yeah, dude.
Dude, I tell you what my brother used to do.
What's that?
When we were young, my parents screaming and yelling used to freak us out as kids.
But then after a while, you know, we just, you know, it it was what it was i grew up in a very volatile time yeah i just would you'd walk down
the street you hear everybody's parents screaming at each other right so my brother had a a boom box
with dual cassette oh i remember those yeah so he would record the argument and he would put music music underneath it are you serious yeah we we just wish he kept him his masterpiece
his masterpiece was he put he put led zeppelin no quarter from the houses of the holy
he put that underneath oh shit and it was perfect because my dad was just getting ramped up and it starts off
with this this haunting keyboard solo oh and then robert plant for whatever reason sings all weird
like close the door put out the light you know we won't be home tonight oh my dad's going i'm
getting sick and tired of this every goddamn Every goddamn day, going on and on.
And right when he starts to hit the apex, John Bonham,
that must get too bad.
I'll tell you right now, walking out that fucking door,
I ain't going back.
This is the way when no one.
Dude, we used to.
Stop, dude, it's you.
Yeah.
Tell me, man.
This fucking started back at the wedding reception.
Dude, we used to listen to that fucking tape.
Oh, shit.
We used to listen to that fucking tape and crying.
Oh.
Crying laughing.
Dude, that's the most brilliant thing I've ever heard anybody do in a situation that is pretty much not not healthy and crazy and toxic
and then to turn it into music like it was actually it was a piece of art
it was fucking unbelievable dude i was i remember when he played it to me
i just had my head back and i was holding my stomach and I just couldn't believe how perfect.
It was sort of the first mashup I had ever heard.
How perfect it fit with the whole.
Dude, your brother could have started a whole new genre of music.
People send it in their parents tapes.
By the way, don't do that to your family because I would never do that to my family.
My mother started fucking yelling.
Her voice is higher than Robert plants.
It's making him look like a bum.
That's amazing,
dude.
Dude,
if I told you,
I do,
you have no idea the fucking people I grew up with,
how much funnier than they are.
They are than me.
I used to work with this fucking guy.
These two guys.
And one of the dude's dad's was a fucking big drinker or whatever.
And he was dating this alcoholic mess.
And the other guy could imitate his dad.
And he would call up the dude's girlfriend
and pick fights with her when she was shit-faced
and he would record it.
Oh my God.
And he brought it into the warehouse
and we would just be listening to it.
Oh, that's great.
I just remember one part.
He'd be like, yeah, it's me.
That's how the guy talked.
And he just started winding her up.
And at one point he just goes here he goes to the courts come
drag your kid's ass away from you and i remember she just goes bullshit
that'll be the day i die that'll be the fucking day die. And then he goes. And we were just sitting there listening at work at a place of work before cell phones in the warehouse, listening to this guy torturing an alcoholic.
Oh, my God, dude.
That is so fucking great.
I mean, I'm telling you, man.
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What do you want from me?
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Oh, the list goes on, okay?
Yeah.
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Does this something have a name?
Did you say I do to this something?
No.
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Oh, shit.
It's not a crisis line. It's just mild depression, man.
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I mean, these kids just got out of school.
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I ain't working out that childhood shit, man.
All right, sorry.
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when it comes to insurance hey paul it's nice to get it right the shit
yeah but it's hard people that i worked with in that warehouse i remember there was a guy
guy i think he passed away this guy went hard he was one of these guys like six five just straight arms straight legs and just like a big fucking barrel chest this guy fucking put him away
did blow the whole thing and i remember one time he showed up dude this guy he was like
you talk like that right and this guy fucking showed up, dude. This guy, he was like, you talk like that, right? And this guy fucking showed up
like two hours late.
Two hours late for fucking,
for work.
Hair soaking wet, right?
It's a fucking July day.
It's like 80 degrees out.
His hair soaking wet from like a shower.
And he comes in.
Our boss had like a high-pitched voice.
He's like, come on, where the fuck were you? And he's just like boss had like a high-pitched voice he's like come on where the fuck were you and he's just like oh a lot of traffic his hair was soaking wet so
we and we used to tease him for being an addict you could at work
there was no hr we would just tease him. I remember we were going to Dunkin' Donuts.
Guy's name was Paulie. Hey, Paul, what do you want?
You don't want a donut? He's like, no, no, no. This guy goes, how about a rum cake?
And he came running over. They had to break him apart. I just remember,
this is going somewhere as far as the brilliance, is when he got fired, he had a he had a shacket.
Remember shackets was like a flannel in a jacket.
Yes. Yes. Yeah. So he had left this shacket behind.
And this other dude, we used to ship software out.
He had all these different size boxes and he made all these different size boxes, it into this guy Paul and put the jacket on
it it's like a memorial and stuck it on his desk and it had the big box this big Elky whale
of a body and then I forget what he used for like the little arms and he had the jacket on it oh my god dude i swear to god like it was like it was like a fucking it was
like snl and there was musicians there it was musicians class clowns and all of us were some
form of a drug addict alcoholic um and we were all like sports fans and shit. It was like, it was the most fun fucking job I ever had.
And I used to say that all the time.
Like if I wasn't going to turn 30 someday,
I would never leave here.
We just,
we had a fuck.
We used to play,
we used to play softball against other warehouses and you would just go out
there and get fucking shit faced.
And everyone would just drive home while we're in the
warehouse i worked at a at a at an alcohol like a beer a beer place and i was just filled with
beers and pallets of booze what what warehouse were you in what were you i worked at this place
that uh this was before the internet and amazon this guy came up with this brilliant idea
because back in the day if you were a business
and you wanted to order software i remember i remember the software was like lotus one two three
dated uh data plus or something data three plus or norton utilities you had to call each company
so what he did was he just ordered a shitload from all of them and was like just call me uh and he became this thing and the company
just it exploded it was this little ass company then we were like two different buildings then
we got this big building and then i left you know tried to finish college and i i kind of
lost track with them but i think eventually it got sold but it was um it was fun because
the product you were working with was clean it was in a box
because i worked another i worked well i worked like cumberland farm warehouse and there was sort
of that smell of dairy and eggs and shit you know that farm smell which was kind of nasty
mixed in with like computer paper the place where i was at it was kind of uh little on the nastier side but um i didn't work as young i didn't work as young as you
because i know you had a paper route and shit but my first job other than i was unemployed
for about six months when i was 22 i've had a job since 1978 wow my first my first was I worked at a bakery at 14 years old.
I worked at a bakery and it was in like the strip mall down from,
and it was a Polly cannoli.
And it was all these fucking giant Italian guys that ran it.
And I remember this one guy,
he used to fight people.
He used to get into,
he used to like to fight groups.
He'd be like,
yeah,
fuck off for three or four.
I'm not going to figure this one dude.
He was jacked like this and i
remember one time he was just like just a huge dude he's like rolling dough and he's going do
i fuck that girl every which way to sunday and i remember him just talking there's like cookies
around and shit and he's just like it's early in the morning it's just like this giant like
there's just a display and it smells really good at like five o'clock in the morning, the bread.
And it was just this giant Italian guy.
And I thought, yeah, fuck everybody up.
He's just like, fuck that girl every which way to Sundup.
Tell you, it's a fucker trip.
And he's just rolling dough.
And I'm just a scared kid.
And I'm in the back there.
I got flour all over me.
But dude, my favorite job of all the jobs I ever had
growing up, Bill, where I had the most money and the most freedom was pizza, pizza delivery, man.
My buddy was just like, I had a little Toyota Tricel that I got because I hit car Toyota Tricel
four speed. And you know how I got it? How smooth did that thing shift, dude? Dude, here's how I got it. How smooth did that thing shift, dude? Dude, here's how I got it. And here's the
discipline that I had. We go to Mohegan Sun and I'm about 18 years old. I'm about, I'm about 18
years old. We go to Mohegan Sun. My buddy is sitting next to me and my other buddy's out on
the floor. And it's, it's the first year three-card poker came out and we kept getting flushes and when you hit a flush on
three-card poker it paid six to one so we kept making money and we kept getting flushes and
finally my buddy next to me goes fuck it dude i'm going we keep hitting flushes i'm going big
he puts 50 on the ante so i go well i'm getting flushes like you are i'll put there too and they deal me queen king ace of diamonds red i'll never forget it
paid 40 to pay 41 dude so i got one shot what's that two grand grand one shot two grand and i
look at him i go dude i he puts a three i go yo dude i think i got a straight flood like i was so
i couldn't fucking black dude two grand for a kid i'm gonna do it i think i got a straight flush
i got a straight straight flush to the ace royal royal flush couldn't fucking do two grand for a kid. I'm going, dude, I think I got a straight flush. I got a straight
flush to the ace. Royal, royal flush. That's
what it was. It was a royal straight. It was up to the
queen. And he goes, no, dude, he goes, that's 50
to one. And all of a sudden the dealer goes around
and he flips him over. He goes, oh, we got the whole
table. He rubs. He goes, dude, you just won two
grand. Swear to God. True story.
Hands me the two grand. And then you left. You took the money and you
left. Please, Paul. I hate you gamblers.
No, no, no. Break my heart every time. No, no. You're going to love this. This is beautiful. He gives me two grand. And then you left. You took the money and you left. Please, Paul. I hate you gamblers. No, no, no. You break my heart every time.
No, no.
You're going to love this.
This is beautiful.
He gives me two grand.
Gives me two grand in black chips.
I hand one black chip to my friend sitting next to me just because he was next to me
and he said, let's go more.
That's the fucking gentleman I am.
He gets 100 just for that.
Okay?
He gets 100 just for sitting next to me.
Okay?
That's the kind of guy I am. for that. Okay. He gets a hundred just for sitting next to me. Okay. Then I walk over to my friend on
the floor and I go, here's a hundred, man. I go, I just want two grand. Here's a hundred for coming
with us. We're all going to take something today. I give him. So now I'm down to 18.
I take $100. I go to roulette. I lose it. I cash out $1,700. I put it in my pocket. I bought a Toyota Tricel with it.
My friend who was a gambling junkie goes, oh, that would have right. Because that would have
been when I take my jacket off. I swear to God, never forget. Yeah. Cause he would have, he would
have. And he was, he was a blackjack player. So he would have put 500, 500, try to stack it. I've
actually witnessed him win 10, 12 grand in front of me. That prick only gave me, didn't even give me anything.
But I take $1,700 from that day.
I buy a four-speed Toyota Trestel, and I was delivering pizzas.
And that's when I smoked butts.
That's when I smoked cigarettes.
So I would listen to Mike and the Mad Dog on the car.
This dude, I'm a kid. The Mad Dog is still one of the funniest fucking,
when he gets going, when he gets upset.
Dude. That fucking, did Bartn going, when he gets upset. Dude.
Did Bartnick send you that thing where the head coach of the Jets
brought security to the Knicks game?
Did he play?
Oh, I saw that.
No, no, no.
Yes.
Was he at the?
Yes.
Yes.
He was at the.
Dude, he went up into those high registered.
He's amazing.
Yeah.
He, yeah.
So, dude, I would listen to Mike and the Mad Dogs, smoke cigarettes.
I would have the pizzas there.
My buddy who was the owner goes, dude, you're the fastest delivery guy.
He goes, how are you doing at this fair?
He goes, don't get me wrong.
You stink in here.
I would take long washing trays.
He goes, you stink in the store.
He goes, delivering, you're my fastest guy.
Right?
Because I didn't want to wash dishes.
I would fucking daydream and shit, right?
So I would always have-
I daydream about delivering pizzas.
I got big dreams back here.
Dude, I knew the routes to the houses.
Most of the same people ordered on Friday, Saturday nights.
I always had three, $400 cash. I was driving, either listening to, I put a kicker, like a boom box in my back,
like a speakers. So I would either listen to like hip hop loud. I would listen to Mike and the mad
dog. I would smoke cigarettes. I made money and it was dude, it was the freedom. It was the fucking
best job for a kid, man. Yeah. i know there's something about like being out on
the road and making money yeah i hated what i hated about school i like study class because
you didn't have to do anything and i like lunch cafeteria because you could joke around and make
people laugh right other than that i just wasn't into like school and i hated that whole fucking going back to the same fucking place and i and i didn't really feel that i think with like
school i think as much as i felt with the job i hated when i was at a job
like and a year had gone by and i remember thinking like one year ago i was standing right
here i haven't fucking moved anywhere.
And what's weird is I've been doing these stupid fucking comedy clubs now for like almost 30 years.
But I never feel that way because I'm doing what I love.
Where back then, I loved the people I was working with and I loved the laughs and everything.
But I was looking at it like, okay, there's no way I can support a family buy a house or anything dude my dreams were so fucking little I don't know how to
I don't even know how to fuck I mean I kind of know how it happened but now I do but um they
were just so like fucking like all I wanted season tickets to all four the boston teams you know i wanted a house in massachusetts
you know went married one of the beautiful girls in my grade you know uh and just live a
regular life i don't know what the happened well i know what happened now through therapy i
know i didn't know i had all this other shit in me dude where i where i had where that
wouldn't be enough that wouldn't be enough for me i i still had they hey look at me you like me
right does everybody like me now so i can fucking relax um that type of shit so that i think that
that's in i think that that's in a lot of people i just think talented funny people find a way
you know like when they say comedians are damaged and fucked up.
It's like, yeah, I've seen that in our community, but I also know people who aren't comedians who are really fucked up and damaged.
They're just not talented. So I think this was the thing, Paul, was the only way I was going to get the house and the girl was if I became that was my only way out because I did not have the ability and I'm not I'm talking
financial I'm just talking emotionally as a fucking human being yeah to make that to just
walk across the street and make that simple dream happen I had to take the long fucking
yeah the long fucking road doing you know stand up in fucking bars and all
of this shit to to figure all of to figure out the first 20 years of my life i had to do 30 years on
the fucking road speaking ofnings and Willie Nelson,
Waylon and Willie album.
Dude, I love Willie, dude.
Oh, dude, his voice is unbelievable. The older I get, listening to Willie Nelson
is one of the most beautiful, therapeutic,
American things you could fucking do.
Oh, you got to do it.
You got to, on your drive home from New York, forget it.
So this thing is that classic
mamas don't let your babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys.
And I'm reading these lyrics, dude.
This is like, he's like, he's singing about a comedian.
Cowboys ain't easy to love and they're harder to hold.
They'd rather give you a song than diamonds or gold.
I don't know about that.
You and me, we're a little flashy there, Paul.
But listen, listen to the, than diamonds or gold. I don't know about that. You and me, we're a little flashy there, Paul.
But listen,
the... He said,
mamas don't let your babies
grow up to be cowboys
because they'll never stay home
and they're always alone
even with someone they love.
That was my mushroom trip.
Well, I didn't know
cowboys had shit they needed to unpack is that why they're out there fucking
riding off over the horizon they're running from their problems i want no part of any drug that's
gonna make me feel like that fuck that dude i already have my shit last thing i want to do
is be fucking wigging out and all of a sudden all my insecurities paul it didn't make me feel
like that i was feeling like that it made me aware that i was feeling like that i'm not gonna get all
hippy dippy and say you start fucking eating these things like fucking doritos because i only did it
one time i did it one time i got what i needed out of it i was like that's that's that's what
this whole thing is built on i need to fix the house is built on that
I gotta fix that
I have to get fucking sober
and be a fucking man and figure this out
so
I would only be able to do that
if I was with
my brother, you
home at my house
you can take a guided trip Paul
I'll send you this video that my drum
instructor, he'd send it to me. I always did drug scared. When I played with Coke,
I would be, my friends would- Yeah, but that's a scary drug, Paul.
No, but my friends would do lines and I would fucking do that thing where I would go like,
I'm not, let me just, and then I would like smell, and then i would like smell and then i would like to like i always did drugs scared in my 20s because i was never going to be the guy to fucking keel over i mean
dude i knew guys that would fuck they would do like line races one fucking drop i mean it's like
it's i would never do that if i took mushrooms i would do that bitchy little like i remember one
time we all decided to trip on acid and we're at this house and this this this girl's uh parents
went away for the weekend she had a real nice house and we're back there and the guy goes yeah
man these are white pearls dude just put it on it'll keep you up good mood and i remember i put
it on my tongue and everyone and i just as soon as i put it on my tongue and everybody like swallowed
i just fucking i took it out and then um i ended up i don't know because it went on my tongue i
ended up staying up late and laughing at everything and being like feeling a little different.
But I didn't go the whole way, dude, because I was just like, I don't want to go there, dude.
I don't want to get locked in.
Dude, I was a fucking, I was a busboy.
I can't say that.
I can't say the chain.
A very popular, a very popular restaurant that is still out there.
It's a chain.
It's a franchise.
And I was a busboy.
And my buddy gets me a job and he was an epic waiter everyone loved him the kid crushed it he's like multitasking all these tables and i was but he goes dude dude i need more ketchup for this
table can you give me more ketchup i just run in the kitchen and apparently i took the wrong
yeah like what are those what are those things called? The, the,
the little, the things. No, no, no. The things that you dip, like it has the ketchup in it,
like a cylinder that, that, uh, there's a specific name for a saucer or something. I don't know.
Um, Oh, I thought you took the wrong dip. Like you took something like, you know,
cocktail sauce instead of ketchup. No, i ended up taking a small fucking soup bowl
and i just kept going like this with the fucking ketchup and i was just nervous it was like my
first week and he goes yeah they need more ketchup and i finally run out to him thinking i did a good
job and him and the table just bursted out laughing at me i gave a fucking soup bowl of ketchup right it was supposed to be like a little uh dude i was
wild man i would get naked at this at cleanup time at your station i thought they probably if you
know if he just brought it over they would think you were being passive aggressive like you want
some more fucking ketchup i had a buddy of mine they did that to him at mcdonald's
he used to always order cheeseburgers ketchup only he hated pickles I had a buddy of mine. They did that to him at McDonald's.
He used to always order cheeseburgers, ketchup only.
He hated pickles.
So he fucking sits down with ham and he bites into a big pickle and he goes up and he goes,
hey, I'm sorry, but I ordered this pickles only, you know, just ketchup only.
And when he got back, he sits down, he picks up the burger, he bites into it, and all this ketchup comes out the side.
And he comes storming
up to the thing and the cashier goes he did it and he wound it up like fucking clements when he's all
fucking amped up he goes yeah then you fucking eat it you can throw it at this kid over by the
wow by the burger thing yeah oh that's great no dude i was i was like a class clown during that
time like we would have our station because i became a waiter and we would have a station.
You have to bissel it, you know, a bissel.
That thing with like the brushes underneath and you would go and it would pick up the lint.
So I got stark naked in the kitchen and all the cooks are looking back on fucking.
I would go drink with them. They love me.
And I took whipped cream and I put it all over my fucking, you know, whipped cream all over my privates.
And I made like a whipped cream, like fucking underwear. Right. And the girl next to
my station, they were all there. And I just walked out and it looked like I had a white bathing suit
on. It was just whipped cream. And without saying a word, I just started bisseling my fucking,
I just started bisseling my station and it's dripping down my leg. We would always do,
but like we would smoke weed, you know,
we would drink. And then after we went to the restaurant, it's a restaurant business.
Dude, that movie waiting with Justin Long, the movie waiting with Justin Long, Ryan Reynolds,
and, and Anna, Anna Faris, I think it's one of the most realistic for restaurants like that,
like a Chili's, like an Applebee's, like things like
that. Like when the waitstaff goes to parties after, Hey, we're all going to so-and-so's house,
we're all going to smoke weed and drink. And it was never heavy shit, but it was like this
community. It was like this family. And like when it got rush hour, Friday night, everybody kind of
did their shit. Then you would count your tips at night. And, um, but, but I never did the heavy,
I never did the psychedelic drugs.
I could never do a psychedelic drug because I was mentally.
Paul, like I got to be honest with you.
Like, I don't know shit about any of that stuff.
But I do know, like, you know, you did the smart thing with like all of that to alligator arm, all of that.
But like below, man, that was, you you know no number one draft pick ever fucking ate
mushrooms the next day and then died the way like len bias like you know you know what i mean it's
just like you can or lose your career or any of that type of stuff so it's weird like i kind of
uh it's interesting now where i think there's so much information about a lot of drugs that have been around for a while now.
That you know what you're getting into.
And that's the hard thing about all of that Oxy and all of that shit.
The way that that was just unleashed on people.
I cannot believe that.
Well, I can't believe it because it's pharmaceutical.
But they should be.
They're like mass murderers.
What they did. And, what they did.
And also what they did to this.
Because we're sitting here fighting fucking terrorism.
And you're letting these fucking people turn everybody into junkies and shit.
I don't know.
I'm on my soapbox now.
No, no.
But you're right.
You're right, dude. And listen, as somebody that lost somebody close to a drug addiction, I think I'm just going to tell my kids, look, man, here's the deal. You do that drug, it'll kill you. You want to smoke weed with your friends. You do it moderately and smart. You want to drink. You do it moderately. I was the most not addictive person and it's just, but psychologically where I was at,
that shit became a crutch and it,
it had fucking got ahold of me.
And it was like something that was really,
uh,
many failed attempts to stop.
Um,
I'm too antisocial for any group to fucking sit there and be like,
okay,
do you want to share now?
You want to share what happened to you? It's like, no, no, I don't. No, dude, I don't fuck be like, okay, do you want to share now? You want to share what happened to you?
It's like, no.
No, I don't.
No, dude.
I don't fuck.
No, dude.
Fuck that, man.
I don't do that either.
I just like to be with the – is anything better than watching the Brooklyn Nets
somehow muster up the courage, reach down and find another gear?
I mean, they want the world who who would i ever
thought paul i'm telling you this time last year you told me if kevin durant
i don't even know their names what is it what is the guy the guy looks like bill
cosby from the 70s james harden kairi irvin kevin durant james harden Harden. Kyrie Irvin, Kevin Durant, James Harden.
Yeah, first, if you would have ever told us. The dude from the Clippers.
Yep.
DeAndre Jordan.
DeAndre Jordan.
Blake Griffin.
Blake Griffin.
If you would have told us that that collection of guys would already have advanced, it's like.
Paul, it's why I watch sports.
It's why I watch sports.
It's because of the randomness of something like this it
the alley-oop dunks and three after you know next year i hope the kentucky derby
yeah has has the best horse one of them and the rest of them are like burrows in one go. Like, that's what I want.
Yeah.
Yeah, just a big...
I just want to see that horse fucking dominate those other animals.
That's what I want to see.
20 horse lengths.
Never even a race.
Yeah.
Never even a race.
I don't want it to be a race.
I want to know what's going to happen.
It makes me feel safe, Paul.
Yeah.
You know, there's been so many, like, it's just been such an insecure time.
So much questions and everything.
You know, I just sometimes you want to know the ending, Paul.
I think they should let Division III schools play big schools.
You know, just why not?
For a championship.
Yeah. schools you know just just for a championship yeah yeah yeah i think alabama should play
a division three school and you know just well they kind of do every september don't they
they they bribe them money to be fucking stiff they give them bribe money to be stiffs
yeah appalachian state although they had that big win against Michigan that opening week that's the one everybody remembers
and you know another one I remember
in the NCAA tournament
Valparaiso
when I was in high school Valparaiso
hit a three to beat a monster one
and everyone I remember
Valparaiso in the NCAA tournament
and I remember Appalachian State
beating Michigan week one
and people lost their shit is it Appalach I remember Appalachian state beating Michigan week one and people lost
their shit.
Is it Appalachian or Appalachian?
Andrew.
Appalachian state or Appalachian.
It's like,
it's like based on Appalachian mountains.
It's Appalachian.
I think it's Appalachian state.
Is that right?
What year was that?
No,
I'm saying,
how do you say it?
Oh,
it's Appalachian.
I mean,
that's what we said.
Appalachian.
See Paul, you're always doing this.
You know, you call it the yuck, it's the yoke.
You say, you know, the dick, it's the balls.
Charlie, I ain't worried how to say the fucking words.
When are you going to watch that fucking,
you're going to watch that movie when you come out here?
Yeah, well, you said that.
You said we were going to watch it together.
Is there anything better than getting buzzed
with the people that you love in an
environment you know oh and i know what the environment you know means no one shut you off
environment i know means no environment you know means jesus christ i just got dizzy i'm starving
um environment you know means don't pass out of me now. Either your house, my house,
a cigar place, we always
go just where it's home.
We're home and you're on
your second tequila so it already
kicked in and you know a stick
is about to be lit.
The greatest feeling is
when we went to your
house. And you know what else? If there's a game
on that you don't give a fuck about. it's sports so you like it but you're not like living and dying on every
fucking pitch or whatever you just got the game on that's what i love about baseball there's so
many fucking games that i i just uh you know the mlb package man i mean a lot of people they don't
they're in debate i fucking love baseball i love pitcher's duel. I love when some old guy comes out there. I love when they cheat, when they got
shit all over their fucking jerseys. Actually, I heard the batters don't mind that either,
because they want them to have at least control. I disagree, Bill. I used to want a pitcher's duel,
but after seeing the Nets, I want, I want pure dominance. Listen, I want pure dominance. I want pure dominance. I would like a perfect game with the elite teams playing teams with rookies
that just came up that don't know how to hit yet.
There's something about that that just gets me.
It's entertaining.
I don't know.
All right.
Well, it's my wife's birthday today, so I got to go pick up some stuff for her.
Happy birthday, Nia. All right, well, it's my wife's birthday today, so I got to go pick up some stuff for her. So they have it.
Big, big congratulations to the Brooklyn Nets.
Just unbelievably inspiring victory.
And so entertaining to watch.
I mean, you know.
Oh, we got to do plugs.
When a team gets up by 40, Paul, that's when you know who they are.
They're like a guy putting concessions,
come down,
fucking play the last five minutes.
By the way,
anybody getting mad at this?
You did this to your fucking selves.
Don't get mad at the fans.
No,
no,
no.
I'm saying anybody getting mad at us.
Oh,
you know,
go,
well,
what are we supposed to do?
Hey,
it is what it is.
All right.
Somebody goes,
Verzi, you're full of shit. If it's the Knicks, I go, no, no, no. I said, if Kyrie and Durant went to do? Hey, it is what it is. All right. Uh, somebody goes, Verzi,
you're full of shit.
If it's the Knicks,
I go,
no,
no,
no.
I said,
if Kyrie and Durant went to the Knicks.
Yeah.
I,
when you threw Harden in,
there's like the 2009 Yankees,
dude,
I,
as much as it's a tight,
I can't talk about it.
Mark to share at first,
Kanoa at second,
Jeter at short,
A-Rod at third.
I mean,
it's a fuck.
You know what it is?
It's the hanging out together and then all agreeing to pile on one team.
That's the thing where it's just, I don't know.
Everybody's friends now.
Yeah.
It's just like, dude, you ever go back and just watch those fucking.
Oh, Peyton Manning, 18.
Nice.
Oh, so he fucked up.
So Johnny Unitas was 19.
I always fucked that up.ny unitas was 19 um
all right guys well happy birthday to nia check out uh the versi effect the versi youtube channel
monday morning podcast all the stuff that we got going on guys next week oh i'm gonna be in la bill
by the way next anything better we're to be together in the ATC studio.
Oh, next week, I'm going to be in LA. Paul's going, going back, back to Cali, Cali. And then
I will be June 11th and 12th, guys. I'll be at the Vulcan Gas Company in Austin, Texas.
One show Friday, 7.30. One show Saturday, 7.30. Get tickets. I'm only doing one show a night, two nights. And then June 25th
and 26th, I will be at Wise Guys in Utah, one of my favorite places. And if I can swing it,
I might go to a Utah Jazz playoff game. So check me out at Wise Guys 25th.
Oh, dude, you got to go.
And guys, Wilbur tickets are on sale right now. Be at the Wilbur October 22nd.
It's my first big theater, so please check that out.
Get tickets, and I'm going to be making a big announcement
on when I'm shooting my special, my second special.
I will be shooting very soon.
That announcement's coming up soon too.
Bill, what do you got?
I got Vegas, July 3rd.
Second and third, I think.
And then my tour starts, you know, Atlantic City, the end of August.
My dates are a little far out to be promoting.
But all my tour dates from the end of September to mid-December,
all of the tickets are on sale on BillBurr.com.
B-U-R-R.
Just click on tour dates and i got a whole bunch of shit
that i can't wait to go out there and talk about so that is it thank you guys for watching
we'll see you next week Thank you.