Anything Better? - I Vibe With A Horse

Episode Date: June 10, 2023

Is there Anything Better than Bill & Paul naming a horse?

everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast with your host paul bursey bill burr producer extraordinaire the beverly hills kid the newly married beverly hills kid and andrew themless and you guys are listening weis. And you guys are listening. We are back and you guys are listening to a number I've been waiting for, Bill. Oh, I'm glad we're out of the 70s. I've been waiting to get out of the 70s. You're listening to episode number 80. Do we even need to say the first guy?

Do we even need to say it? Yeah, you'd be surprised, man. He played 40 years ago. He started out. So the great Jerry Rice of the San Francisco 49ers. Name all the teams. 49ers. The greatest.

Seattle Seahawks. Seattle Seahawks. I think that those are the three he played for. Steve Largent from the expansion Seattle Seahawks, him and Steve Zorn. There's some great NFL films about how the two of them were like best of friends and were on the same page. One of the greatest wide receivers of all time, later had a political career, got elected to office. Just seems like a guy who really gets life. And then Kellen Wllen winslow one of my favorite offenses of all time the air coriel don coriel rest his soul air coriel san diego chargers with dan fouts they had chuck muncy at running

back they had kellen winslow johnny jefferson before he took the money and went to Green Bay. What a day. Charlie Joyner and Wes Chandler, I believe, took over for Johnny Jefferson. John Jefferson always says that if he stayed in San Diego, rather than taking the money and going to Green Bay, which made sense because Kenny Lofton, another 80. Kenny Lofton. Kenny Lofton, another 80. There's another 80. Kenny Lofton.

Dude, it was John Jefferson and fucking James Lofton up there. And I forget who their quarterback was, but I'm guessing they didn't have an offensive line. But he said if he never went there, if he stayed in San Diego, that he gave it up to Jerry Rice. He said he would have been breaking all my records. So he wasn't saying he was better, but he said he would have had the record.

So there you go. That's number 80, Paul. Oh, it's a great one. And what came out in 1980? ACDC, Back in Black. Oh. Yeah, the strongest, like you lose your front man, you come back that strong with those riffs

and Brian Johnson is your front man. It's one of the great triumphs I've ever seen. It's a triumphant number, Paul. I was two years old when that album dropped. My parents were not divorced. We were living in a Tudor in Westchester. My dad was like a big wig at AIG. We like, you know, do all that.

Like that was literally like when my life just was like started and normal and then it went to hell no now look at me I gotta tell you dude I'm sitting in a hotel room right now for our listeners we wanted to get a show out there

I'm sitting in a hotel room I am in Sandpoint, Idaho. I am in northern Idaho. It's about 90 minutes north of Spokane. Okay? And my younger brother lives here. So I'm touring. You know, the first leg of my tour is pretty much done.

We've been going hard since January. And my brother goes, yo, there's a theater down the street from me. You know, it was like a 400 seat theater or whatever it is down the street from me. So instead of going to Spokane, why don't you do it? He goes, but nobody really comes. It's like an untapped thing. So I agree to it. I call my agent. My agent makes it happen. I am in this small town, population 7,800. I'm walking around. People are going, man, I got your flyer, dude. I'm coming to the show eight o'clock, dude. It's like a small town thing. I went to dinner. Someone's like, man, I see you. We're coming tomorrow. And like everybody, like the tickets just keep going up

day up. It's like, I'm walking around as a politician, shaking hands, saying, it's so underrated to go to those places first of all to be in quote the middle of nowhere it's like oh what do you mean out in nature where it's peaceful and quiet and all that it's incredible and then also those people like when they want to go see who they want to go see i would think that most of them not they couldn't even drive down to boise i think like you too and all these big whatever the big bands are now um just named a band from 40 from 1980 um they have to drive all the way over to seattle it's like a pain in the ass i remember like touring uh somewhere like saskatchewan and uh these people were going like after after the show, they came up.

It's like, you know, tell Bobby, tell Berzy, you know, we like – oh, yeah, I think you were on those shows. I didn't want to make Craig do it. We like stuff. Why doesn't anybody ever come here? Yeah, dude, and when I did radio, everyone's like, how come you're not going to Spokane? How come you're going to Sandpoint? It's like a lake vacation spot small population i go my brother

lives there i want to see my brother and i'm going to do that theater there and people were like loving it so i don't know it's going to be a small town feeling there oh it's going to be it's going to be uh it's going to be fantastic me and my wife had an amazing time. We just spent two days. This guy I know, he's getting the same kind of helicopter that I have, the Cabri G2, little two-seater, little eggbeater there, Paul. So he's getting one. So he wanted to know, you know, he wanted to get some hours on it. So I was letting him fly mine. So he hooked me up, gave me two free days. He's got a little helipad out there in the Malibu mountains with an airstream on it. I drove my truck up there and I spent two days with nobody, just me and my wife, just laughing, having a great time. We drove the truck down to the beach, backed it in at like dusk,

towards dusk, right? Put the tailgate down. We sat there and just watched people surfing after having a nice little meal. Dude, I had like the best two days with my wife since, I don't know, you know, we've had a lot of great times. So, I am, Paul, I'm in a great mood. I am rested and relaxed. Dude, I got to tell you something, man. Going out with my wife when we went out and saw you guys in California, there's something about being on vacation with your wife that makes them, when me and my wife travel together. I'm like, oh, this is why I married her. Exactly now. And then what happens is the vacation gets over and you go back into the fucking matrix. Dude, I was so at peace and all of that shit. And I fucking came home

and our little side fridge, the drink fridge. They're forever trying to jam 70 drinks into this 25 drink fucking refrigerator. And it just, it drives me nuts. It just drives, and I was sitting there going like, it's just, nobody listens to me. Nobody gives a fuck. I'm emptying the cooler. We had this little thing of salmon that was a little open

and the oil leaked all over all the fucking beverages. So I'm fucking wiping those off in the sink. I can't fit them into the fridge and I started to lose my shit. And I'm like, what the fuck am I doing? What was the point of the last two days? So I still lost my shit. Paul,

I, the matrix always wins. The matrix. It always wins. It's like the fucking Lakers. You can root against them, but all the free agents are going there. Speaking of that, Paul, let's talk about the Stanley Cup final

and the NBA finals. Let's go NBA first, Paul. Let's go to your wheelhouse. We'll go to my wheelhouse and your wheelhouse. I do know that it's Florida and Vegas, though. I do know that. Yes, and I have some thoughts on that. It's a fascinating series, even though it's 2-0 Vegas.

Let's just talk about this first. I've been watching this Florida Panthers team. They beat my fucking Bruins. That's why I'm wearing this. That's why I'm wearing this, because I don't want people to be like, oh, it's just because he's a Bruins. Yes, it is because I'm a Bruins. That's why I'm wearing this. That's why I'm wearing this because I don't want people to be like, oh, it's just because he's a Bruins. Yes, it is because I'm a Bruins fan. I'm fucking letting you know that.

They're this eighth seed, Paul. Miami Heat, Florida Panthers, two eighths seeds. Both made it to the finals in their fucking sports. Incredible. These motherfuckers, Paul. All right? florida panthers i watched these guys through three fucking rounds all right we had the greatest regular season

as far as victories since the 77 fucking montreal canadians and we lost in seven games to the florida panthers then they play the Toronto Maple Leafs, who, as always, were fucking loaded on offense. They had some better defense, but I don't know what the fuck they were doing. They beat them in five games. Then they swept the Carolina Hurricanes, and everybody said that they were going to turn into a pumpkin, right? So they basically got no stars on the team, Paul.

They just play whistle to whistle. And in that moment, Paul, where you're kind of like going like, oh, you know, we're up fucking, you know, three to two going into the first intermission. When you fuck that moment, when you let up, all of a sudden your guy gets a little in front of you, puts that shoulder in front. He's got his fucking stick and it's in the back of the fucking neck. Every time they are absolutely fucking relentless. They have all this heart.

And then their deal is when shit isn't going that way, they got this guy, Matthew Kachuk, who is like, can stir it up like nobody. He stirred it up. I saw him fucking get a goaltender taken out of the goddamn game. It never fucking happens. Right. But that's also because there's no enforcers in the game. So I

finally was looking at them and I was like, you know what? This team doesn't have any Norris trophy winner. That's the greatest defenseman in the league. Right. They don't have an Ovechkin. They don't have a Crosby. They don't have a Nathan McKinnon. They don't have any of the, okay. They don't have any of these guys. All right? So they're basically, they're a six, Paul, with a bunch of fucking makeup on. All right? Getting every inch out of their beauty that they possibly can. And I'm looking at the fucking Vegas night, and they got these Jack Eichels. They got some fucking, they got some guys, right?

And I watched them in that first game and once again they're up two to one or something like that okay or some bullshit like oh they weren't a power play first fucking period they're on a power play oh we're on the power play okay a defenseman on this side breaks the stick so he's got to skate to the bench real fast to get another one or somebody comes and replaces him. And in that moment, the Panthers steal the puck. And they're streaking down the fucking ice, and you see Vegas catching them. But you see Vegas. They're in this we-have-a-man-advantage mindset.

So the fucking trailer is not – who's covering the fucking guy in the Panthers lets up. And in that moment, when the dude goes wide wide draws the goaltender to one side he comes around the net puts it on that guy's stick and it's in the back of the fucking net shorthanded goal and you see vegas going like what the fuck gretzky in between the first and second period he goes you got to play whistle to whistle with these guys meaning they don't let up second period same fucking shit happens vegas is up two to one they fucking let up and i literally said my father-in-law they're gonna score a goal here watch this shit they win the fucking draw plan fucking you know

play uh one of the four skates into the circle you know bing bang boom back of the fucking net once again gretzky in between periods you got to play whistle to whistle with these guys so the turning point in this series was vegas comes out they go up four to two so the panthers can feel the game slipping away so what do they do they start that shit right the fucking whistle stops face washing punching guys in the head, cross checking, trying to draw these guys into a penalty. And here's the thing. Back in the day when guys would do this shit, there was a certain level of balls that it took because all of a sudden a Bob Probert was going to tap you

on the back of the shoulder, Jay Miller or a fucking John Cordick, rest his soul, Ty Domi, you were going to have to pay for doing that shit. They got rid of the enforcers. So now there's this chicken shit hockey out there where some guy, some fucking bum can go up to a goal scorer, punch him in the head three times, and when the goal scorer finally loses his temper

and punches him back, they give him matching minors. Two minutes roughing for both, and then they get their four on four, and they can maybe get back in the game. Well, the fucking Vegas Knights were disciplined. They didn't punch back, Paul. They got a four-minute power play, and Matthew Kachuk got a game misconduct. Same shit happened in game two. They're just keeping their composure and they're making so far.

They're making Florida look like an eight seed. They won seven to two in the second game and they didn't get, you know, they didn't lose their shit. Kachuk had this beautiful, totally clean shoulder on shoulder, open ice hit. All right.

Hit Jack Eichel, one of their goal scorers. Fucking Vegas took it like men. Eichel came back. I think he got an assist or something like that. They won 7-2, fucking blew him out. And at the end of the game, they asked that Jack Eichel kid, they said, what do you think about that hit?

Because he got fucking lit up. And he was just like, well, you know, hockey's a physical, rough game. It's a part of the game. That's it, dude. Water off his back. Florida is in trouble but they're so resilient i'm really looking forward to seeing how they're gonna make how they're gonna adjust to this because they did not have this fucking problem with the bruins certainly not

with toronto and definitely not with dude they they had a seven game series with us a five game series with toronto and then a four game series i mean they're just on this momentum and then they ran into vegas and they gave them the old fucking heisman so um i don't know if you're not watching it like the chess match that's going on it's pretty fascinating well that's dude that's uh that's great analysis and for somebody that watches hockey like you you can see the you can see that it's like dude when guys watch it they know now now i'm gonna take the baton from you i'm gonna talk about the nba because because i know what i saw i know what i saw so here's here's the thing okay this is the thing all right first of all i love how you just

said i know what i saw like someone was already debating i know what i saw all right first of all i love how you just said i know what i saw like someone was already debating i know what i saw all right let's hear it you got the floor here's here's what i saw and and uh denver i just think denver is is too much with this uh nicole jokic kid and the numbers he's putting up but the coach said something which i've never heard a coach say before and I never heard a coach say that his team admitted this but when Miami got a game in Denver because Miami Miami got a game in Denver and everyone's like wow they the the Nuggets beat them so handily in the first game this may be a sweep I thought like maybe five you know and the coach goes yeah we didn't try tonight we didn't try and he goes and I looked at my team I called my team in a locker room and I asked everybody on the on the team yeah, we didn't try tonight. We didn't try. And he goes, and I looked at my team. I called my team in the locker room, and I asked everybody on the team.

I said, why didn't we play? And he goes, and they admitted to me that they thought they were going to roll over, just fucking steamroll them. And they go, we didn't try. They go to Miami last night, and Denver just beat them bad. And I think that the- Not until the end of the game, though. Miami was there. Miami really competes I think Miami is doing this because of obviously their perimeter shooters but

dude Pat Riley that organization Eric Spolstra they know how to get the most from an unsigned guy they know what they need and the thing is Pat Riley knows the league so well. He knows what to do with a little bit. Now, Jason. Miami's going to win the next game, Paul. I'm telling you. I think they're done. I don't think they win again. All right.

I'll bet you a steak dinner. Okay. Steak dinner. And I'll tell you who you didn't bring up, dude, is that Christian Braun kid, that kid from Kansas, the way he's passing the ball. I really feel like Denver is in this era of, you know, me, me, me, me, me, which is goes all the way back to Jordan, where he called his own teammates, the supporting cast. There has been this thing other than there's been few teams that I've seen along the way. I would say the Sacramento Kings who got fucked by that mobbed up ref. Yeah.

The Detroit Pistons with Ben Wallace, all of that great team. Tayshaun Prince, all of them. I know there was another one in there. I thought the Dallas Mavericks played like a team. That thing, dude, what everybody is trying to do is be a – there's so many people out there trying to be a god. You know what I mean? And it's just like pass the fucking ball to the open guy.

And I feel like Jokic does – Jokic does that, and then that Christian Brontid does that. And then I feel like guys like Jamal Murray like filling the lanes, watching them do that. But dude, the fucking heat though, man. What scared me about the heat after game one was right after they got fucking smoked. You see Jimmy Butler walking off the court.

I said this on my podcast too. He was already over that loss and he was talking to one of his teammates, and he's doing this stuff. He's already talking strategy, and it's just like, dude, you're not going to beat that guy. You're not going to beat that team. Who's that guy? I wrote down the names

because I'm always so bad with the names. Bam out of Bayou. Dude, that guy's a gamer. Obviously, Kevin Love and that fucking guy who kills the Celtics, that Tyler Hero guy, when he gets heated up. I really think, dude, like – No, they had a good run.

I actually think that Miami Heat is a mentally tougher team. Like, that's what they're bringing to the table if they're going to win. if they're going to win. Like, I feel like they got – Denver's just like a more talented team, I just think, as far as like the amount of shooters, the ball movement, that thing. But I just feel like the heart they have, the look I saw in their coach when they were giving up easy buckets, like, dude, that organization is fucking on point.

Unfortunately, the NBA has turned into a three-point contest, and the Miami Heat have really, really learned how to do that. I think, you know, going to your – watching that game, it's a shame what happened to Jason Tatum at the beginning of that game, game seven, when he just clearly couldn't. But when I saw them, what the Heat did was the dude that Tatum was playing was the one that they kind of kept passing to. And, dude, it was heartbreaking to watch a kid try to go back on his back leg

when he couldn't. I don't know, and I don't know if you saw this or what your thoughts on this as a Celtics fan, but I feel like the Celtics coach, knowing Tatum was hurt, do you just stay with him because it's Tatum? Or when you know that he couldn't defend? I mean, basically what Celtics fans were saying was they should have had the balls to take him out. And why did we try to beat Miami with seven guys, one of whom was hobbled rather than trying to go to our bench? Nine to ten, get Pritchard off the bench.

I mean, that kid can fucking play. You know, who knows i mean if he takes him out of the game can he can he i just feel like how bad he rolled his ankle i don't know if if he could you know sometimes they just take a half a quarter off and they come back and they're better or something but look man i i just feel like the better team and the mentally stronger team want it. And that also comes down to the coach. I feel like he'd have a better coach and a more experienced GM. And Pat Riley, obviously a legend.

I do love Brad Stevens and all that, but I feel like if Brad Stevens was coaching that game, we could, it would have been, it could have been, it could have been a different outcome. Who knows? Who knows? But you know, we're sticking with this guy.

So I got to root for, did we lose Paul? All of a sudden I'm talking to you, Andrew. And you, you literally, am I talking right now? Can hear me yeah you can hear me all right pause there okay no so it just sucked what sucked for me is Bill there yeah what what

sucked for me was seeing Tatum try to defend that guy and knowing that his leg couldn't and that guy getting that little bit that you need in the NBA when you're and that was just like dude to have that because I would have loved to seen a healthy Tatum in game seven in Boston and it just wasn't in the cards which really sucks but um all right this is the difference between the fucking Celtics and the Lakers. The Lakers, no matter what, would pay Jalen Brown. They would fucking pay him. I have to sit here as a fucking Boston fan and plead with them. Please fucking pay this guy. The guy's fucking 26 years old.

That's nice. Who was it? Was it Andrew? You were saying it. Or was it my buddy Ben? Someone was saying, like, or is it my buddy Ben? Someone was saying like basketball players prime years where they go on a run if they're going to win championships is in their late 20s. He's literally coming into that.

Fucking pay the man. Keep the two Js together and go out and get some fucking help because that's the way the game's played now. Now it's not enough to have those two fucking guys you gotta have you gotta have your three i've given into it that that championships are bought now you still have to coach them and all of that but um oh man i swear to god if that motherfucker ends up on the goddamn Lakers. Look at you, that smile on your face. You know what's going to happen.

I swear to God, dude, if that fucking dude in New Orleans wasn't getting hurt all the time, that guy who fucking broke his sneaker, whatever the fuck his name is. Zion Williams, dude. Yeah, he... John Morant, he's going through all of this shit. And I just needed a new start. He's going to end up in the fucking Lakers. And they're going to be like, MVP.

Oh, it just kills me. It's like none of these guys are yours. You know what they should be called? The Los Angeles Pirates. That's what the fuck they are. They should be coming up with a goddamn patch over their eye taking everybody's best fucking players and that's the game paul we gotta start fucking doing it i think my i think i think boston knows what they have and i think they know that tatum tatum needs

that other guy with him jalen brown's great dude i dude. I think you guys have young kids. I think you guys are going to be all right, man. I believe in Brad Stevens, so if he sticks with our coach, I think there's a reason. I mean, he was kind of thrown into it. We obviously weren't planning to get rid of our coach or whatever. Paul, this is the most in-depth fucking sports.

Has there been a joke yet? We're just fucking sitting here talking sports. Hey, man. Listen. There's not a vagina out there right now listening to us at this point. I got one for you. I'm in Idaho, and I played golf with my brother and two of his friends. And this one kid was just a partier. Knew about our podcast, everything. And he's a partier.

And he just had – he was cool as shit. He had, like, the the man bun but it was like small so you almost couldn't see it right and it was like like not douchey man bun cool right so he's just a party though dude you want it you want to drink like one of the yeah no get a drink yeah get a drink you know like hit hit a joint get a drink like the guys and i'm just sitting there and i go dude you are i said to him i go dude you when you go to Vegas dude I go you're the type of dude that if I literally said to you like dude you want to go get some blow and hang out maybe go to Vegas run the table I go he goes oh no no Paul I go and dude I swear to god he put

his hand on my shoulder he put his hand on my shoulder and do with all sincerity he goes no I go I want you to know that I want you to know know that I'd go. Dude, it was the most, it was like, he, he was like, dude, if you really needed me to go to Vegas with you and get blow, dude, I'm down. I'll be there for you. I'll, I'll snort my half of the eight ball. He said, I want you to know that I'd be there for you. I want you to know that. Like, like I was like, you were talking about like, you know, you were dealing with some health issue. I said to him, I go like this were talking about like you know you were dealing with some health issue I said to him I go like this I go are you married? A kid? He goes nah man I'm too selfish

No kids no marriage I'm too selfish he goes I'm a great uncle though dude He goes but I can't do that I'm too selfish of a guy And he was like the nicest dude it was the weirdest Most honest thing He also has the wisdom to know who he is You know Paul it's funny

You've been sending me like lately we're not going to name any names here but like you know it takes a lot to get you fired up yeah paul paul you're easy you're easy right you're easy going paul right and Paul, right? Some, you know, bullshit college sports, it takes a lot you know, even then, you're not like ballistic, right? Although, when the

fucking Giants kicked it to that guy again on the Eagles and they ran it back, that was the funniest text thread I ever fucking saw. Because I was at fucking breakfast and you guys were winning. And in my time eating breakfast, that guy in the Eagles ran back two kicks and dude, like I've never seen that many capital letters.

I was reading it. I was crying, laughing. I was laughing so hard. Neil was going, what are you laughing at? And I was laughing so hard. Neil was going, what are you laughing at? And I was like, just crying. The Giants kicked it to the city guys.

Which meant nothing to her. Anyway, what gets you going is when people without kids talk about how great it is not to have kids. without kids talk about how great it is not to have kids or like how dumb it is to have kids like when i hear somebody say like i don't want kids and blah blah blah i feel a peace in my heart because i think thank god you didn't give into the pressure of this is what I'm supposed to be doing. The worst thing, that's the worst fucking reason to have a kid. You got to have to want to have a kid because you are signing up for this fucking job and your mistakes, all of society, not all of society, but people out in the fucking world are going to have to deal with the fact that you just had a kid because you wanted to. So when I hear somebody going like, I don't want to have a fucking kid.

I'd rather, you know, I like to smoke weed and fucking hang out, man. I go to Vegas whenever I want to. And now I can't. I'm like, yes, I'm so happy you know that about yourself. I get what you're saying, but there's one part of it I think you're missing with my anger. And what it is, is when they go over what when they almost try to prove to themselves, like when it's like, look, you know, I'm drinking. I got nothing. And what I'm going is, yeah, you're in an empty fucking house and you're going a little hard. You're going a little hard with it to the point where it's almost like, you know, those politicians who were like anti-gay, but they like dick.

That's kind of what I'm feeling. You know what I mean? Like they go. That could be some of them. Yeah. Because a lot of my trashing of women in relationships was actually because I wanted to be in one, but didn't know how to do it. If you go back to the wreckage of my comedy history here. But there are certain people, Paul, like they are truly like happy with that.

And it fulfills them or just getting having a couple of dogs. I'll be honest with you. I like they look at us as oddly... When I look at two people that are married and they talk about their dogs and shit, it's like... I don't even know how to... I'm like, all right, so...

Yeah, all right. So a cocker spaniel is your thing. All right. I mean, at least have a fucking horse. You know what I mean? I don't know if I ever told you, Paul, how much I vibe with horses. I fucking love those things, man. I love them to the point I would never, if I owned one, I would never ride it.

I'm not going to fucking break your spirit. Dude, we should go halfsies on a horse, dude, and fucking give it the best stable and we just fucking split the care for it. You know what you just said, Paul? We should go broke. just fucking split the care you know what you just said paul we should go broke paul because you know goddamn well there's no way us two idiots could own a horse unless we were racing it i i know dude that would be dope dude dude if we had a racehorse dude we went to the kentucky derby in Oh, that would be, that would be. Paul, is there anything better than when you're going for a,

I went for a walk in Paso Robles, right? I came and there was this horse standing, you know, looked like lonely, you know, just standing there. So I just walked up to the, I just got myself nice and chill. He came over over he was sort of like you know what's your deal i approached from the side so they can see you know they got the big fish head there you know the eyeballs are on the side and once i gained its trust it took those steps towards me and then you know when he was walking towards me i felt like the size and the power of

this thing and like just gently it put its head over the my shoulder and i was like this is like fucking like if i wouldn't go broke paul i i would like i would rescue a hundred of those things and just let him never ride him let them chill fucking every you know once a week they get a nice bath shine up their hooves whatever manny petty or petty petty is that what you give a horse dude me and you would get a horse and we would have to name it if we raced it we would have to name it anything better and there is anything better on the outside? Oh, dude. Over.

Have another one called over. Get to over. That's a good thing, Paul. That's a good idea. Put right in. I want to hear if you had a racehorse, what would his name be um one time me and my buddy growing up in one time one time i'm as good me and my buddy in college um it was when chris rocks bigger and blacker came out i think it was bigger and blacker and he goes like people that

come out of uh jail or people that get their masters he goes yo man i just got my masters and he goes yeah what you think you're my master now he goes i could count two one two four five count so count these rocks and we were supposed to be like it's count these rocks but no dude anything better would be a sick name especially if you won be pouring champagne it is not that bad. I'd be the first guy. You know how funny that would be? Who's that guy with the white hair

who always wins the Kentucky Derby? Not suspended. Bob Baffert. I love that you know his name. Dude, you ever seen that guy's fucking haircut? His goddamn hair looks like a fucking clown you just see that guy it's like if you didn't know shit about anything you saw that guy like

that guy has a private jet 100 100 he has a fucking horse farm you know he's got a stable of horses and women dude we've been doing this. I've been doing stand-up so much, traveling, meeting people. I can look at somebody's face. No, I think, political views, I know. What kind of house? I can tell by their flip-flops what kind of life they live. Absolutely. Dude, I can look at a guy

and know if his wife is pressuring him to take a hot air balloon ride for their fucking anniversary. And I know whether or not he wants to go. Oh yeah. Like, I don't like,

uh, I've gotten to this point, Paul, when people are talking to me, like I'm beyond what they're saying. Like, I'm trying to figure out what the fuck it is. Like, like behind it.

Uh, you know, what's funny though, is Nia's really good at it and i'll be i'll be looking at a guy and and i and somebody will do something and then what i get into is the childhood pain that led to that just because i know how fucked up i am that i'm really paul am i real am i really that mad about the drink fridge no i mean i am a little bit because they didn't listen to me and they fucking broke one of the shelves and guess who has to fix it paul this fucking guy right so um i was in uh i was in indian app i was in indianapolis there's a dude sitting there he kind of looked He kind of looked like that horse guy.

And I'm on stage, and him and his wife are sitting there, and he's laughing and everything. And I go, dude, what do you do? I go, dude, you're Connecticut white. And, dude, his wife almost fell off. Dude, his wife almost fell off. She goes, oh, my God. I go, dude, you're from Connecticut? He was from Connecticut, dude. He goes, Paul, you nailed it.

Dude, it's like the loafer. It's the loafer with the white hair and even the glasses. The frames of the glasses show you. You can look at the frames of the glasses and be like, oh, yeah. That guy. There's a grossness to that level of white. I don't know why. It's just something like, oh, are you the reason why we're at war? Did you and your friends sit down and talk about it? I will say this, Paul, as good as I like to think I am at reading people, like, I mean, Paul, you're fucking, you're Sicilian and Greek. Like, you have like, you're fucking Yoda when it comes to that shit.

fucking Yoda when it comes to that shit. Like, dude, the amount of, like, to people listening right now, the amount of times Paul has met somebody and within the first five minutes, this guy's a selfish guy. I don't like this guy. This guy's a good guy. This guy, you know,

this guy's dealing with something. I don't quite know what it is. It's like, Paul, like, if you want to just stop doing, like, stand-up and be one of those crystal ball fucking people. But what funny you don't you know what's funny you don't read palms you just give me a they just got to give you a picture of the person oh yeah this guy's from fucking connecticut shoes no i i let me see i said i was on the phone my dad dude my dad's the goat dude when it comes to this my dad went to my wedding and when he when he was at my wedding this guy i was friends with for not a long time

he was like a family friend he knew my brother and he was there and he talked to my dad for five minutes and my dad comes over me and i go you met so-and-so i don't want to say and he just goes yeah he goes yeah that guy's all business guy just, it's all an angle. It's all business with that guy. And dude, years later, I was like, oh my, my dad talked to him for two minutes, dude. And he was like, oh yeah, that's what this guy's thing is. This guy's whole thing is this.

And he was right. So I get it a little bit from my dad. He'll hear something over the phone. He'll be like, you don't sound, are you, is everything, like just through the voice, dude, it's wild. Dude, my brother, my brother's good. My older brother's good at that. I had an acting gig one time, and he came on set,

was doing this movie, and he met this guy. I said, oh, did you meet so-and-so? He goes, yeah. He goes, he's the hatchet man. And I was just like, what? I was like, how the fuck did you know that? Like, he was the guy that had you know he was the he was the dude that would fire people like the higher-ups would be like this person's not

doing that job you got to get rid of and and like um i was still in that point in my life where i wanted everybody to like me so i was so folk what i was trying to read is do they like me are they going to come at me my brother was in sales you know so you got to learn trying to read is, do they like me? Are they going to come at me? My brother was in sales. You know, so you got to learn how to read people. Like my brother saw Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross. And I go, wasn't that fucking amazing? He goes, no, it was depressing. I go, why?

He goes, because that's exactly how it is. Which, by the way, dude, I finally rewatched that movie. And my favorite thing is Jack Lemmon. How he starts to curse you out and then goes back to that nice guy. He would just be like, you cocksucker. Come on, give me the good leads. He would drop it.

He would immediately go into that smile. Like, it was almost like this why I ought to kind of talk. But like, anyway. Yeah, my brother can read people. I'm always all over the map here. Sorry about that. Yeah, my brother's such a nice guy. He's the nicest person I've ever come across.

And he was told to fire this guy. I don't know if I told the story or anything, but he was told to fire him. Tell it again, though. Yeah, if you guys are new to the podcast or whatever, the guy comes in the room and like they're like you gotta fire him dude you gotta this guy's not getting his numbers month after month so the guy comes in and my brother goes hey man listen dude he's like i don't think this is working out you know we gotta let you go it's like month after month the numbers and the guy goes oh man he goes i got dude i got a family i got kids dude please you

know don't do this if there's anything my brother goes all right man we'll keep you and they were pissed at my brother but dude he just he's just so good-hearted that like all the guy had to say was i got kids dude if there's anything we could do and my brother's just not that like that's the where he can't go hey man man, I wish we could. I'm like, that's the next gear that you have to go to. Some guys go, Hey, sorry, dude. I don't know what to tell you, man. You know, nice meeting you. I used to be like that. You know what hustle I fell for? I had a driver one time and he told me this whole thing about how his brother was sick and he just wants to go see him and all of that. And I gave him this extra big tip and i went

inside and nia goes bill that's like one of the oldest hustles in the world i felt so stupid and a part of me kind of died that day where i i got a little calloused over and all of a sudden you know it did not really but it's just one of those deals for like four or five days the sun doesn't shine as bright food doesn't taste as good you Food doesn't taste as good. You just feel fucking stupid. And then you're just like, and then also to see that somebody would, would make up a story like that. Just, you know, like, what if he really has a brother?

He's putting it out there that he's going to get sick and stuff. I mean, that's some dangerous shit. If you believe in karma in the universe and stuff like that. But, oh, man, this guy got me good. I gave him a C note, Paul. Dude, you want to laugh. Remember when I did the thing?

Stacey did the same thing with me that I did with you guys at the Tampa game. Stacey and I are in a casino, and there's this woman who's got the shortest skirt, like right up to the crotch. And she's wearing these boots and then she's got like a half of a fur coat and Stacey goes, Oh my God, look at that woman's outfit. Why would anybody? And I go, Stacey, that's a hooker. And she goes, Oh, we're the same. She did. She literally thought that this chick would be wearing like a half a fur. It was clearly like a hooker in a casino. Dude, the funniest fucking thing you ever said.

Funniest fucking thing you ever said. We were standing outside the Tampa Bay Stadium. Buccaneers. We just watched the Patriots. We were all standing out there, and that fucking chick came up, that mess of a chick. But you could see she used to be hot. This had been around the block.

And she was talking to all of us, that whole bullshit. She couldn't find her purse. I said it down here in the bushes. Can you help me look for it? I'm just going like, oh, my God. And you started talking to her or whatever. You know, not doing anything, but she was talking to you and you just thought she was into you.

You turned around when she walked away. She goes, hey man, this chick's throwing nothing but fastballs. We're like, oh. You're talking to a hooker. You were like, what? No. Really? We're like, who the fuck is she going out here dressed like that all by herself

looking for her fucking purse? She was in the bushes for her bag. You started helping her, right? we just let you do it we were like dying like it wasn't like you were trying to hook up you were just in your ego like i still got it the ladies still come up to pull hey this chick's throwing nothing but fastballs i mean they're weed whacking right next to my way. I mean, no, dude, I got to tell you something, though. Idaho, man, I play golf out here, and it's like up in the mountains and the trees and the water. It's really like northern Idaho, man.

It's like I never would have thought, but, dude, it's just like fly fishing country. If you want to fish, if you want to go out on a lake on a boat the the scenery i'll send you some pictures man but it's beautiful here dude it's beautiful it's it's uh all of those parts of the world all of that shit that you know all the jerk offs in new york and la and boston all the middle of fucking nowhere you know um there's there's a uh they like that here by the way like they like it i was talking to the guys and they were like i was like this is beautiful and they were like yeah keep it like let everybody think it's middle of nowhere shit oh yeah that's why i you know when i go to beautiful

places now i don't i don't milwaukee's the last city i outed as far as like if you want to go to a fucking great city I love that I fucking love that place I really do and that's actually a tour date I have coming up man so I gotta make sure I'm on my game for that Paul I got some fun shows coming up

well I got like I'm doing some warm up shows to get ready because I haven't been on the road for like six amazing weeks. You know, I've been hanging, you know, went on a couple of short little vacations with my wife. I was hanging out. Do my daughter's hilarious, dude. The other last night, you know, I put my son to bed. Right. So he's got his big boy bed now. So he's always testing the boundaries. He knows he shouldn't get out.

But it's funny. Now he just opens the door and just stands there and peeks down the hall. But I never get upset with him. I always just rub his head going, come on, buddy. You know you got to go to bed. He's like, all right, Dada. And then he goes, night, night, Dada. Like super loud, right?

So I was in there reading him stories. Like super loud, right? So I was in there reading them stories. And my daughter comes in and she goes, she whispers in my ear because she doesn't want to get my son going. Because if she wants a snack, he wants a snack. So she goes, Dad. She goes, can I have a snack? I said, all right, but it has to be healthy. And she goes, okay, what are my options?

She said that at six. What are my options? Dude, she, I'm telling you, she's learning French. She's writing French in cursive in kindergarten. That's amazing. It's fucking amazing. And I'm going to teach her how to drive my truck, which is

three on the tree. She's going to teach her how to drive my truck, which is three on the tree. She's going to know how to write in cursive drives a stick shift. And then she's going to know all this modern shit that the kids know. She'll be able to interact with AI and all of that stuff. She's going to be like my, my son too. Like, and I'm getting,

uh, I'm going to get them into jujitsu soon. I just have to find the right class out here so they know how to defend themselves and then i you feel like you know that's a big thing like uh like confidence you know i was i was i forget if i mentioned this on my on my podcast right i always had to go on like to weddings and shit where you know there's like dancing and stuff and i'm just like socially awkward, the guy in the wall. And I was just like, you know, I don't want my kids to go through that.

So like once a week we have like a dance party night and we'll go on like YouTube and there's like the electric slide and all that. And my kid, you know, it's like many kids her age. She's a little shy or whatever, but we just been doing it every week so it's no big deal to her and she just went to a party um for our uh her godmother's daughter turned 16 and they went to the party and the the cha-cha slide which is the electric slide with the cha-cha step and she knew how to do it she just got up and did it i was so fucking psyched i'm like great you don't have to go through all that fucking shit that i like i literally to, I'm like, we're going to a wedding. Oh, God. Here we go.

Yeah, yeah. Dude, I'll be honest with you, man. Your daughter saying, what are my options? Dude, the sign of intelligence of that is the best. You know, it's funny. As you were saying, you're thinking about defensive uh what self-defense classes i was just like i showed lucas how to load the gun it's like it's like my version of going to the gym the steam room there you go where you guys know what you guys should do is is have you ever taken the gun safety course you should go do that

with them yeah i'm gonna well i got i what i did was i let stacy i wanted to just show him and stacy my daughter my daughter was too young too young but my i wanted to show him and dude my son's dude my son's gonna be in high school next year it's crazy um but i showed him and my wife i wanted them to know just you know where it was how to do it and what to do if god forbid you know there's an intruder or anything or they needed to do that for you know and and they like totally got it and at first stacy was like hesitant with me showing him but then i was like listen he's definitely old enough for this gun you know it's it's it's a it's a week i would still do i would still do the the uh

the gun safety course i would definitely that. And he has to understand too that that's not this cool thing to show his friends. You know, that's what you have. You know, he got the underdeveloped brain even at that age as smart as he is sometimes. Like, you know what my big thing was? When people came over my house,

my dad had a piranha and I would feed a goldfish. That was my showing up. Yeah. Are you serious? Yeah, we had a piranha, and I would feed a goldfish. That was my showing up, yeah. Are you serious? Yeah, we had a bunch of them. You had a piranha? Not a bunch. We'd always have one at a time.

Yeah, we had that. We had this other fish called an arowana that looked like an eel, and we would feed that one too. He'd go to the pet store once a week. And we'd get these goldfish. And you just drop them in. It was fucking brutal, man. That job was just to get eaten.

Dude, that must have been the talk of the school. Yeah, we're going to Billy's house afterwards. We got a bunch of goldfish. Well, the piranha was a fucking lunatic. Where, like the arowana, if you fucking put, like, all eight goldfish in there, it would eat a couple and then just be like, all right, I'm full. I always felt bad for the other six. They knew what was coming. It's just like, you know, they're like Ron Burgundy.

I'm in a glass house of emotion, right? like ron burgundy i'm in a glass house of emotion right but the fucking piranha if you put eight in there that was it they were gone and the thing would they would always try to hide behind the air filter i remember that thing like like a zillion miles an hour like its back tail it would fucking dig its way in there dude and that thing like a like a wood chipper, was like, just fucking eat them. And then it would be so full of fish, its belly would get extra, that reddish orange, and it would just be sitting at the bottom of the tank. And my mother would talk to it, be like, Charlie, look at you. Look what you did.

Look at you. You're a bad boy, Charlie. Look at you. You're a bad boy, Charlie. Talking to a goldfish, that's great. No, I'm talking to a piranha. I'm talking to a piranha. Dude, when we were in Paso Robles, which was amazing,

my daughter scored five goals in two soccer games. And me and my wife missed it and then we go home and um oh dude dude i had to i was heartbroken last week i think i told you this dude i had i had to put our cat down he was with me for 18 and a half years dude i was 26 years old when we got him and he would he was the cat that people that didn't like cats liked. Like, dude, how my mother would come over and go like, was this Stanley? Yeah. She's like, how is this cat like a dog? Like that? He just throw. I took him to the, to the vet, the animal hospital, all the, I'm not joking. All the women were like, by far our favorite.

He's such a sweetheart, this and that. And so I just paid, you know, I paid like $1,200 to get them checked. And they were like, listen, his lungs is hard or good. Kidneys are starting. He's got the diabetes. You know, I was giving him two shots, two shots a day, morning and night in his neck of two units of insulin. And dude, my wife just goes, hey, you might want to see Stanley's just laying laying on the laying on the on the hallway so i look at him and i picked him up and he was kind of they what happened he started they start walking like when the kidneys start to go they start walking like a little drunk like wobbly and i'm like shit and he's weak then he just kind of went to the corner and and and my and then then later on he went to bed i went on i was doing something on instagram live and my daughter goes

stanley is upstairs mom needs you to come up and dude i saw doing something on instagram live and my daughter goes stanley is upstairs mom needs you to come up and dude i saw him and i looked at his face and i went there i went to the place and the lady the girl comes in and i go look i go what's going on she goes let me do dude she goes his kidneys are failing and uh i said is there anything she's like she's like look man he's 18 and a half year old cat but there are some things you could do but you could keep him in the hospital for three days if he doesn't eat we'll give him a feeding tube and i'm like dude i i don't want is the cat gonna suffer she goes no he's just feels sick so then i call stacy i'm like i don't know what to do this is really hard this is my favorite animal i ever had and i'm i'm just hurting. And she's like, Paul, man, he's 18 and a half.

So I go back to the lady. And before I said it, I swear to God, Bill, you know me. I go, I go, listen, I go, I don't care what I go. If he stays overnight in a hospital, can you get his fluids up? And can you equal out his numbers with his kidneys to give him some time? And she goes, well, I found out a little more information that'll make this decision for you or whatever. She goes, when we took blood from him, his blood was a little watery. And that means I had to do a blood test and his blood percentage was like a nine and it's supposed to be a 30. So he would need a blood transfusion. So then I looked at her and I said, so you're telling me my cat's kidneys are failing. And an only way that he could even survive is if he tried a blood transfusion. She goes, yeah.

And then I go, I said, all right, then I'm going to. And dude, I just sat. And then they let you go in this room. And I just sat with them, dude. Dude, it was this was my guy for fucking 18 and a half years. And I'm just holding them and I'm just petting them. And they came in with the shots. And I said, I don't want to be here for the second shot. I said, just when you sedate him, I'm going to leave. holding them and i'm i'm just petting them and and uh they came in with the shots and i said i

don't want to be here for the second shot i said just when you sedate him i'm gonna leave and uh yeah dude i just touched his ear at the end but dude i was like it broke my heart because he was my family for like 18 and a half years and i didn't think i wasn't like the first one when the first cat went it was so but this one was dude it was it was my kids. Did you ever hear Tom, if Tom Pop ever told you that story of putting his cat down? No. He had another one. His cat lived forever. And they finally had to go into the vet to put it down.

And his wife, Cynthia, was bawling. And Tom was being strong. So Tom goes in there. And they said, we're going gonna bring him down we're gonna put him down come on and they brought him into the room and they did it and tom was there and then tom came out and cynthia was like is he gone and tom burst into tears he goes yeah he goes he goes they made me stay. I'm not laughing at Tom.

I'm laughing at what a big hearted guy he is. I remember when he told me, I was like, dude, you got to somehow. I don't know if he ever did. I go, you got to tell that story on stage because people um really can can relate to that well i still do i still drive by where i used to take cleo to the vet i drive by whenever i have the window down i yell out oh cleo because i used to always was my favorite thing to do still like fills up my soul to it. I would be upstairs and dog would be downstairs. And if I was watching a game, I would just go, oh, Cleo! And I would hear his dog jingle, you know, the tags.

He would run up the stairs, you know, big, strong pit bull. But then he would always be, like, tippy-toeing across the floor because, like, he'd get worried that he would wipe out. And the second we had a little carpet that we threw down, like tippy-toeing across the floor because like he'd get worried that he would wipe out in the second we had a little throat we had a carpet that we threw down and the second he got to the carpet then he just like three big runs and just you know i always had to watch out for his head because the fucking thing could knock you out his head was like a bowling ball and then he would like literally get between me and the back of the couch he'd have one paw on top of me, literally like he was snuggling, and then put his head right there,

and then he would go. He would do a big inhale and an exhale and would just chill out, and I would rub the top of his head like that, and I swear to God, dude, within half an inning or one possession in football, the dog would be asleep snoring. It was fucking hilarious, and that's how I used to watch games do so when when she passed dude oh dude when i had to give her away because she would have gone after the kids like it's like i like i i fucking died a thousand deaths with that dog dude you were good to that dog but you know the lady said something and for anybody listening to this

podcast man because the lady did say to me she goes man she goes i wish she goes it's a really level-headed she goes i wish everybody was as level-headed as you when they come in for this and she goes you know a lot of people do it for themselves a lot of people like if i would have fucking kept that cat alive and then he would have been alone away from his family's feeding tubes that would have been for us to say he's alive and it's like and then dude somebody said something it was actually yannis because yannis had something happen with a dog and he knows the place and he just goes dude let him go out like the lion he is with dignity and i was just like you know something dude i'm not fucking i'm not gonna make this cat get tubes down its throat and this cat's kidneys and that's one

one thing i learned about cats is when a cat gets to, I talked to somebody at a 21 year old, when cats get to 18, 19, 20, that's like humans going to like 95 to 100. And the one thing with them that really, the one thing that will take them down if they don't get leukemia and if their lungs and heart are good is the kidneys. The kidneys go on. Here's the thing, Paul. I believe that it's a release. I believe you're at peace peace I don't think there's any sort of angry because you know I I've done the math a thousand fucking times dude religion makes as much sense to me as when you split at home and then they try to say the team that's

only going to get three home games somehow has taken home court advantage i i was talking to you that you know i i will never understand the fucking math on that it's like game seven is still in my fucking building there's still going to be four home games and you're kind of making the assumption that if you have a home court you automatically win which is clearly not because i just split with you guys. So what the fuck are you? I just think it's now they have home court. How the fuck does that happen?

It doesn't. Even if I win the first two games, Paul, the final five, three of them are in your fucking thing. So after two games, yeah, you have home court. Everybody does, whether you split or not. The math just doesn't work. The math on, if you really work on yourself as a human being and you figure out why you do the things that you do,

and then it makes you look at your parents, not as your parents anymore. It makes you look at them as people, hurt children, why they did what they were doing. It's really nobody's fault in a way. I guess if you just never did any work on yourself and you just continue to hurt people, yeah, that is your fault. But I just don't get this that you then get this punishment. And I don't think that there is freedom of choice. You know, you have the choice to do the right thing or the wrong thing.

It's like, no, shit happens to you and you get wired a certain way. And, you know, either you figure your way out of your pain or you don't. And if you don't figure your way out of your pain, that's your punishment. You know, you lived in a life of pain and unfulfillment and loneliness and sadness and rage and all of that shit. And then it's like, then what? Then I get in front of this fucking guy that made the people that hurt me and now he's mad at me.

None of that makes sense. That's that's a human way of looking at it. It's when humans thought there was only fucking, that, you know, there was just this place, and there was this place, there was the moon, and there was the sun. And it's just like, then you find out, now, you know, there's fucking

80 million different Earths with the same fucking atmosphere. It's just like, I don't know. It's all bullshit. It's all bullshit. So, getting back to that, you did the right thing. Your cat is at peace. It's either went back to become part of the ground or it's floating around to something else, but it is no longer in pain. And you didn't prolong it. So I think you did the right thing. so it was you know 18 and a half year run is incredible cat's life expectancy is 13 to 16 so I beat bolted out with both cats you know so that's how I look at it you know all that Greek food Paul you guys live forever hey Andrew what time is it because I gotta make sure I leave here around 11 it's 10 past 11 that's why I was waving my phone okay all right well you got you

know if you don't talk you don't show up on the phone. Sorry. Sorry. My bad. That's all right. Cool. No worries. All right.

Let's wrap this thing up, Paul. Great episode. This has been episode 80, guys. If you are in the greater Atlanta area, I'll be at the Punchline Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I think this comes out on Saturday. Then I'm at side splitters in tampa the 15th through the 17th great club and then i'm finishing out the june

with um houston improv the 28th and addison improv the 29th go to paulversley.com for all of uh my dates bill and you got some dates coming up right i? I got some stuff that I haven't even... No, I don't think... Andrew, have we announced the Roxy and the Troubadour and that stuff? No. Okay. I got three warm-up shows. I got three warm-up shows

before I go out on tour. The first one is Father's Day. I got the green light at the Roxy where Sam Kinison shot his special. All these metal bands that I love perform there. The 19th, I'm at the Troubadour. And then the 20th, I'll be back at the Roxy. Three shows. And I have some of my favorite comics that I've worked with. Some of my favorite up and coming people. I think

they're going to be great shows. I have all this new stuff. I can't wait to get out there on the road. Thank you guys so much for, uh, everybody supporting me out there on the road. And I'm going to give you your money's worth. You can guarantee that. Um, that is it, Paul. That's all I got. That's it guys. Come see us on the road and check out the next Anything Better episode 81 next week. We'll see you guys soon. Take care. Thank you.