Anything Better? - Inauguration Day

Episode Date: January 23, 2021

Bill and Paul give you the inaugural episode of Anything Better.   YouTube ➡ https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSXgVkkn59b_6JZ6UxtbdXg produced by Andrew Themeles @themeles and All Things Comedy

What's up, buddy? I'm fucking sick. Why? Well, I did the whole COVID shit and all of that. It's not that. My daughter went to school. There's some cold that's going around. So I've been fighting the thing off. So I've been trying to sleep all this morning because I knew we had to do the first episode of this. And, you know, it's been hilarious. What's that? Is, you know, when you get sick as a married guy, watching your wife catching herself still about ready to ask you to go do something. Oh, yeah. i'm sitting there laying

in bed my wife just goes hey could you uh and then i just give her this look and she just goes you want you want some green juice she's trying to cover it she called me i came downstairs it wasn't when i was laying in bed i came downstairs and i was going to you know get some water because I'm trying to flush this because I'm fighting it off. Yeah. Right? I was up all night making this birthday cake for my daughter. And you can't apply the frosting when the cake is still hot or it just melts off.

Right. I was worried that the frosting, after I had got it all going and it turned into a frosting, which is the most terrifying part of the cake, is the frosting. Making the cake is fucking easy, but the frosting is just like, you're looking at it in the bowl like, how the hell is this going to look like frosting? See, for me, it's the opposite. For me, it's the opposite. For me, I can't make the cake.

I could frost it, though, because I just wait for it to get cold. I wait for it to cool down, and then I put the frosting on and i go heavy literally just said what i said like it was like i just told you the secret of the recipe no i don't know how to bake a cake i don't know how to bake a cake but what the fuck are you what are you icing does somebody may start to make a cake in your house and then leave? Yeah, my daughter makes them. You just come home and just be like, who the fuck left this cake here? I don't know. I got to ice this thing?

I got to do everything? So anyways, I fucking. So I was worried that, you know, once. I don't have a good science background, Paul. I don't know if you know that about me. So I was worried that once it got enough air into it and it started looking like frosting, that in the time it was going to take for the cakes to cool down,

it was going to turn back to whatever it was. You know what I mean? You know like grease is in a pan, and it's all greasy, and if you put the paper towel in there, you can get it out. But if you wait too long, it turns into that milky, disgusting shit. I don't know if it's all greasy if you put the the paper towel in there you can get it out but if you wait too long it turns into that that milky disgusting i don't know if i was gonna do that anyway i stick into the fridge you know me everybody's asleep i go out back i go start having a cigar right i'm calling you up i'm talking to people i'm having a great time you know smoking a stogie like i just won a championship and then i'm like i'm gonna go in and go frost the fucking cake so i come back in i touch the cakes right they're fucking you know room

temperature everything's great and then i take the icing out and it's like hard as a fucking rock so i'm like all right christ no my man wake up early or whatever long story short i slept on the fucking couch woke up at four in the morning to frost the cake and then whatever my throwing confetti sprinkles on it and shit. So whatever my daughter had, I ended up picking it up. So that's where I'm at. I'm fighting it off right now. You are a guy. The funny thing about you is you have to be doing something while doing something like you just work, dude just like what would you you and stacy my wife have this thing where god forbid you put your feet up for six hours and do fucking nothing dude i'm martin luther king day i fucking sat in my underwear this is the first time i ever

did this in my life by the way martin luther king, I have my underwear, boxer briefs on, nothing else, feet up. I watched the Knicks game. Then I watched a fucking like cars too with my son. I didn't put on a t-shirt and you're the type of guy you just can't do it. You just, you know, it was the first time in my life. I just had boxer briefs on and nothing else the whole day. And it was, let me ask you this. Cause I figured out during this pandemic, why I do this it's how i stay ahead of my demons yeah if i just keep doing and i have i have to do i don't sit down

and think about what i've done or what happened to me or you know and it's like listen it's why you're successful well no let me ask well you're successful too so like i i know you must have had some sort of fucked up childhood if you're a goddamn comedian. But the fact that you can just sit there in your boxers. Paul, is there anything better than sitting in your boxes on Martin Luther King Day? Not even remotely acknowledging the man and watching an NBA triple header. No, I actually tweeted. I said, I had a dream that I sat in my boxers. Thank you, MLK. No, but dude, I swear to God, man. Listen, I do work. I am a competitive lunatic and I work really hard, but I'm like, when it's off, when it's off, it's off. But dude, let me just tell the listeners

about you for a second, because me and my lovely wife, Stacy, in case you listened to episode one, episode one of anything better, everybody. Um, so describe on Apple and all, all fucking everywhere you get a pod platforms. Yeah. Lord knows you have fucking 400 of them queued up. Anyway, so Stacy and I go out and we stay with the Burrs, with our dear friends. And, you know, I'm like, oh, it's going to be great, man. You know, four days off in California, hang in, you know. Me and Bill would be up. This is when you were, you know, still on the sauce, you know, got sleep in.

And this fucking guy. Oh, I was on the sauce, Paul. I was on the sauce. Oh, you were. Oh, I mean, not only were you on the sauce, you bought that Johnny Blue for us that looked like it was in a fucking casket. You could put a fucking little person in the fucking thing. That's right.

And I ordered the fucking NBA package. And you know what I think of the NBA. Oh, dude. I don't like all the popular kids fucking get on the same team and beat up the mathletes every year. I find it a little boring, Paul. I don't like all the popular kids fucking get on the same team and beat up the mathletes every year. I find it a little boring, Paul. I'm weird like that. No, we'll get into that.

I watch sports because I like competition, Paul. Me too. I don't like to see all the Tom Brady's on one team playing against fucking Rex Grossman. Those fucking rats in Brooklyn. We'll get into that. But I hear Bill 7 o'clock in the that. But what, uh, I hear Bill seven o'clock in the morning. You know, we did the show. New Year's is over. I have a couple of days

and I hear Bill in his kitchen. I hear pots and pans. So my wife, Stacy wakes up cause she's wired like him. And she goes, Paul, babe, babe hitting me. He's, uh, I think Bill's cleaning her cooking. Why don't you get up and help him so i look at the clock it's like 7 28 i go no he's all right yes why would she why would she think that she got up and went in there and comes back in the room and goes he's cleaning pots and he's making breakfast for everybody and i literally at one point i think i just looked at the ceiling and i'm just like bill you got to tone this shit down for a second. I was being a good host.

It's fucking hot in here. Oh, I can't wear this. I got a black t-shirt on. I'm just going to look like a head. You are a good host. You are a good, you are a, you not only did great host, Johnny Walker Blue, whatever fucking sports thing you're into, I order the package, even if I don't like the sport. Right? It got you back into the you you you

fucking diva you wanted an egg over medium i had to figure out how to make one of those yeah dude and you did i mean who doesn't like eggs immediate you know you got to go medium you don't just go yolky ok what is it called yolky over easy nochi's the pasta you, potato-based pasta. I meant gnocchi. Too gnocchi? Runny? You know what I mean. Hey, Paul, you wanted to start making up words. I'll roll with you.

You know, I'm your friend. Go ahead. What else you got in the little thesaurus between your ears? Gnocchi. I want to see you order eggs at a diner. Hey, can I get it not medium? Not over hard? Can I get it like yolky?

You want noky, sir? No, no, yolky. You know the yolk. Am I speaking Swahili? It's got a yolk. Remember when we were in the Waffle House and I asked the waitress if they had eggs Benny? Her head looked like it was going to dude you leaned over i think eggs benedict is a northern dish like shoot you sparked some mason dixon shit in her face when you brought that up can i get eggs benny like they thought you were

in the witness protection program sitting there in your fucking track suit dude she stared at us for about five seconds and just didn't know what and then you just leaned in and you go paul you out of your fucking mind you know for those who don't live near a waffle house i mean i think at this point anybody's ever been down there you you know them you know the menu menu right you just know it like there's no eggs Benedict. No, no. What are you doing? Bill, you said something the other day.

I wanted to get into this on this episode. I say a lot of things, Paul. Doesn't mean they're right. No, you texted me a pair of sneakers, and you made me laugh because you said, can we reel it back? And I was thinking about reeling it back on a couple of things. And those sneakers that you sent me. Oh, I sent them like the latest. They were Jason Tatum.

I love the Celtics. I love Jason Tatum. But his fucking sneakers are a prime example. Like what the fuck is going on? Yeah. It looks like you like, what is that, modern art or something? Like it used to be at least they had the team colors in there. Yeah, it looks like you like like, what is that modern art or something like it used to be? At least they had the team colors in there. Yeah. Yeah. Jason Tatum. It's like, it's like he trapped like four cougars out trolling for young dick. And he just he took

their pants. Like that dude in Silence of the Lambsbs when he's making the fucking skin dress out of chicks he took their fucking deaf leopard pants and sewed them into a shoe those are the ugliest sneakers i've ever seen dude and i love sneakers but i'm old school dude i like the old jordans i like the air max ones and i'm a rod laver you know. Rod Laver is the only old school thing. That's how old I am in that. Rod Laver. When I saw the first pair of Jordans, I thought those were the ugliest things. When they were all black with the red, I thought those were the ugliest fucking sneakers I had ever seen in my life.

Even on the court? Even on the court, you thought so? Yeah. But, dude, I mean, I'm not saying I had taste. Dude, that hurt you a little bit you go even on the court i go yeah even on the court you just go i like this guy i love i love him now but like those those words the ones that had like a little bit of white in them i didn't mind but i was going from like dude when i was a kid if you

had adidas and they had three stripes on them, it was just like, oh, shit. Look at that. Dude, I swear to God, some of the sneakers, they look like fucking you're looking at an aviation like weather chart, like high pressure systems and shit, which I still can't read those things. But I don't know. Let's talk a little sports here, Paul. Let's try to steer it into why we're doing this goddamn thing here. All right? Paul, you and I historically have gambled against one another.

Our friendships have remained intact. Despite the fact you're a Yankee fan, I'm a Red Sox fan. You're a Giants fan. I'm a Patriots fan. You know? Yeah, but neither of us like the winners. Look, my only losing team, my only, you know, my problem child is the Knicks. It always will be the Knicks. But, you know, you beat me twice for the Jimmy the Greek trophy. For the people that don't know, me and Bill, for two years, we picked four games a week.

And Bill would call up, you know what? I'm just going to give you the fucking $100. They don't give a fuck. He'd end up winning the thing. Why do you call that? How do you call that? Dude, I cannot gamble. I take it so fucking personally.

And if I lose a a bet like within three minutes i'm going to be talking about oswald and how he didn't act alone and how it's all tied into the fucking charges versus the jaguars like i can't i can't handle i like the amount of fucking times i am winning a bet and i am so right until the final like eight minutes of the game and then people go yeah yeah they still won by 14 it's like i i don't i don't want to get into it you are the only whatever the fuck that white spot is that white dot it is driving me nuts it's not on my camera i don't know what it is i gotta sit here i gotta blend it into my pasty face you know what it is paul is i used this. I got to blend it into my pasty face. You know what it is, Paul, is I used this laptop last night.

If you looked at my laptop right now, you'd think I just celebrated a thousand days in a row of watching porn and finishing on my fucking keyboard. What it was was I had the cake recipe on this thing, and the screen kept going black because I don't know how to fucking make it. Oh, that's a piece of frosting. It's frosting. it's flour. I got half the fucking cake onto this goddamn thing. Bill is the only guy who will watch Philip Rivers throw two picks

and turn it into climate change. I defend Philip Rivers, though. He gets a lot of shit. That goddamn fucking North Star. He retired today. He retired today. Good for him. He retired today.

He's going to go home and enjoy his 26 children. Yeah. I hope he saved his money, man, having to put all those kids through college. Jesus Christ. But you know what? Maybe his wife's an athlete, too, right? If his wife's an athlete, too, they got a good chance at a scholarship. Because a lot of times those athletes, you know, opposites attract.

They marry some clumsy broad, and then their kids aren't that good at sports. Dude, how do you have a – It's like, oh, Phillip Rivers is your dad. It's like, yeah, but I'm also cut with my mom. It's like drugs that have been stepped on. There's too much sex lax in it. I hate to say it, but the proof in that is kind of Jordan's boys probably got some of the mom, you know?

They're not as tall. They don't have that body. Jordan has the prototypical. If you, like, put a basketball player in a machine to come out, that's what Jordan looks like. But let's get into this. They also say, like, talent skips a generation, which I think is a nice way of saying your dad was a douche and he didn't take you out in the

driveway to shoot hoops enough. How does it skip a generation? That doesn't make any sense. Well, we've always said this, and I've said it many times. If your children don't like the sports teams, if the kids that you fucking raised don't love you enough to like your sports teams, you fucked up somewhere. I truly, my son, Lucas, for better or for worse, Knicks, Giants, Yankees, and he wants to. When are you going to get a hockey team, Paul? I know. I know.

No, you can't because there's too many games and they overlap like tonight the Celtics got a game I think and then tomorrow uh the Bruins play the Flyers dude have you heard about the NHL uh schedule this year yes I did because I because of COVID they got to play all like within their region right yeah it's going to be wild and they were talking the other night they're going to say these these guys are going to get they're going to get sick of playing each other he goes which is going to be great for us because it's gonna be wild and they were talking the other night they're gonna say these these guys are gonna get they're gonna get sick of playing each other he goes which is going to be great for us because it's I think it's going to be uh fights maybe a little more old school yeah the first uh the Bruins game we played Jersey the first game then the second game uh we played Jersey again and right in the beginning uh Miller fought some guy on Jersey

because he took some Liberty or some in the first game uh just right out of the gate it automatically happened and um I know you know as a basketball fan you guys always ask why they fight and so uh there's a great book that I give to you but I know you're never gonna read it it's called the code I've given this guy like half a dozen books no and then he tries to play it off like he read it you know what i find figured out you weren't reading them when i when i gave you the hollywood henderson book and you didn't read it i still have it and i will read it and it's signed by him so i have to read it i will read it it's not signed by him is it i wouldn't have given you the book it it wasn't. No, I got busy. I got busy, but I'll get to it. You got busy?

You sound like that guy in 48 Hours. He pulls up to get the Porsche after like five years in jail. Where you been? Dude, I've been busy. Let's go back to Philip Rivers. You imagine having 11 kids after you're coming home from throwing three picks? You probably still feel like you're at the stadium. There's 11 kids.

Dad, you suck. He's trying to eat eggs. If he didn't raise his kids in Philly, they would have been throwing that dinner at him. Dude, he's got one kid crying because the kid's getting made fun of. His daughter's asking him to go out. He's just like, for fuck's sake, how much money do I have to make? Dude, that money's going to run out with 11 kids, by the way. That's 11. That's probably

six or seven weddings. That's fucking 11 college educations. Dude, Philip Rivers better have invested right. Look, here's the deal. You can have like 11 kids with the same woman. If you stay married, you can make it as a guy. Yeah. But if you have three kids with three different women, you're going to be bankrupt before you're 40. Dude, it is what it is. Just think about every fucking month and a half,

they want a new pair of shoes. Okay? New pair of shoes. The bags. If I was an NFL quarterback, I'd tell tell my wife if you watch the game and i threw two picks i i'm just don't don't ask for anything tonight like there would be i would have like i would have here's the thing it's like dude i threw two picks you know to stay away tonight okay we're you know what i mean listen i throw four touchdowns we all go out it's fun i'm not

your mother's not coming over if i threw dude you know what's funny about that is that only it totally makes sense but like if you actually told them that you'd be better off just being grumpy and not saying anything you you let them figure you have to let them figure it out for themselves because if you said that it's like you drew a line in the sand and then they gotta start crossing it just to see like wait a minute is the game more important than our relationship literally her inner thoughts echoing in the foyer of this fucking mansion that your talent bought and she's still gonna come at you i mean whatever i don't understand paul there's like 16 games okay oh jesus first place second place you still get a check wait i just feel like for me i missed i missed the paul before this season. Why can't you be, why can't you be him every Sunday, Paul? Dude, you just made me

remember something when we were in Canada and we did Edmonton, we would drive in the car and we would say, all right, man, you do that joke. And I do this joke. And you go, you said something to me. You go, dude, you're going to do that. I got to be in the room for that, dude. And it went so bad. I go on stage and I go, you know, you said I did, you go, I can't believe you did that. You go, uh, but you go, Patrice would have loved that. We were talking to the car. I go, you know, every time I go to a dude's house, rest his soul. Every time I go to a dude's house and I see the wedding picture, the wife in the wedding looks like she's been training for a fucking decathlon. You see her jawline. She's fucking clearly with

a personal trainer. She looks the best she's ever going to look. And I go, and then I just said, dude, in front of like 3000, it was at a nice theater. I go, you know, a couple of kids, I go, it goes to shit. I go, I'm not saying you need to be like, you know, the way I go, but just give me something, go medium. I go, go medium down the aisle. So I kind of know like something, dude. And you just heard one guy in the fucking dude, one guy in the theater. You just heard, dude, you could hear a pin drop. I was having a decent set until this. And you hear one guy go oh my god i fucking ate my balls the rest of it i go you know just like let me know what to expect the next 40 years can you at least be medium and not perfect and dude it did not go well give me a heads up yeah i remember

that i remember that i was uh edmonton alberta i wouldn't remember the city if you told me that but i do remember uh yeah that's the thing when you go on a road with the comedian oh when you bomb when you bomb that bad you remember the city yeah yeah dude i just know when you whenever i'm on like a road gig with the comic back in the day driving to a gig you're just riffing and and then you just get into like a bubble like all these people online they just talk to the same like-minded people on facebook and the social media you know yeah i think the world's flat too and all of a sudden it starts making sense and next thing you know you're on a boat going to antarctica to look at the fucking ice wall that's what happens with comics you get

in a car yeah and you're forgetting that the rest of the world didn't hear the conversation leading up to it and they're also not stand-up comedians and maybe didn't have the greatest childhood but wasn't as bad as yours and then you come out with some shit like that they're on a date they're trying to get laid i'll never forget it goes oh my god and it just was bad, dude. But, um, I gotta be honest with you. Listen to you. Tell it again. I can't believe it didn't work. I don't know. Maybe it wasn't polished. You know what it is? I think you had to plow through the silence and the, Oh my God.

And just, just keep going. When I said, then it goes to shit. When I said, and then they all go to shit. I think I did it wrong where I wasn't doing it in an understanding way. Oh, there was, there was a, a, a tremendous lack of empathy in that joke. That's why I liked it. That's why I wanted, I wanted to see you do it. That was just, uh, it just wasn't, Hey, we had the, we had the play. It just wasn't executed. It just wasn't.

Hey, we had the play. It just wasn't executed. Who's that guy on Nashville? Not Nashville. Tennessee Titans. Derrick Henry. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you came out.

You gave a Derrick Henry stiff arm to that crowd. Just forearm shiver. By the way, dude, who the fuck is that number 45? He played for LSU. Not number 45 on defense for Tampa. Dude, I don't want to say I called it, but I was texting about that guy. 45. I go, that kid, Devin White's an animal. And then, dude, did you hear the thing that he said inside the NFL mic'd up?

He looks at the coach. He goes, dude, I'm going to stick the dagger in him. Watch. And then he got the pick. He goes, I'm going to stick the dagger in him. Watch. And then he got the pick. And he's like stick the dagger in him watch and then he got the pick and he's like i told it was nuts dude but that kid is i'll tell you what let's get into

these playoffs real quick all right bill you pick on our picks last week yes you were wrong don't lean into the mic it's getting too loud yeah we can hear you okay all right yeah just leave where it is just don't lean in normally okay thanks normally. Just talk normally. Okay. Thanks. I'm sorry. That's a real momentum. Fuck, we're sitting here flying. I know, but if we're flying in it, you can't hear it. It pops.

It's too much. No, no, no. Let's just get that. Hey, Paul, they're all cunts. All right. Anyway. So your picks this week, I believe you were three and one. Is that correct?

Three and one. And I hate to say this. The game I lost was the Saints versus Tampa Bay because I popped in a half a dozen times looking at Tampa Bay during the regular season and they look sloppy. Thomas Taunt. OK, but there's only so much you can do. I just didn't think they were protecting him. And I just I thought they were very undisciplined and took a lot of stupid penalties I don't know what happened since then but you know money's on the game I'm trying to go for no I'm like drew be drew Brees Alvin Kamara I was liking them a lot so I end up going with them. But I did pick the Browns. I had the Browns. And, dude, they fucking drove me nuts in that game. Drove me nuts.

They had a team that was built to beat the Kansas City Chiefs, who, by the way, are so fucking beatable, it's ridiculous. All of this shit of how they're sitting there blowing their fucking offense. It's, yeah, but you've got a mediocre defense. Okay, so if you come in, Paul, if I'm Paul Verzi, no, I'm saying what you're saying. I'm saying the Chiefs defense is suspect, man. Yeah.

Yeah. That reminds me of like in 2008 where the Patriots were like undefeated. We had this juggernaut of an offense, but our defense was only okay. So I was thinking like, man like man all we got to do was just run into a great defense giants and and that levels it right out we could have a fucking problem so that's what i'm saying i've seen that time and again i saw i saw belichick shut down the the uh the rams you know for our first super bowl every all greatest show on turf it's just a scrimmage why did you show up I've seen that happen so many fucking times,

and I just felt the Browns, they had the best offensive line in the AFC, and they have Kareem Hunt, and then Chubb, who the best one, two running backs in the AFC, just fucking running up the gut, first down every fucking play,

you don't got gotta run it every play but beat up their off their defensive line I just thought they had way too much life flat in them by the time when they started running um and they had gotten uh uh Mahomes out of the game I mean they should have won that fucking game yeah dude I actually was opposite this week the week before i was two and two this week i was one and three and the one game that i did win was when i picked uh tom brady uh and i tweeted something when he won i said yeah he's a system quarterback the fuck out of here and i got a lot of slack people going paul what did he do that game that was all

the defense brady didn't do shit i go how about brady goes to a new team and he's going to the fucking championship game everybody's got six rings how many times can you get lucky he looks like a douche he wears uggs he's with the model what what is that he's got a big dick i'm not happy with your life dude you saw that with eli eli beat brady and Belichick two times in the Super Bowl. Okay, you can say he got lucky the first time. Second time he doesn't, it's just like, no, this guy's legit. He got shit his whole career. I think it's just because everybody wants –

there hasn't been a Joe Willie since Joe Willie in New York. You have not had a pussy getting quarterback well oh okay i was at well jeter jeter it was like listen paul fuck new york and your 9 000 teams so you always have an answer i'm talking football you've got two fucking teams you got twice as many chances of anybody else to have another Joe Willie. You just haven't picked one. No. I guess no. Football-wise, no.

For a coat. Started a fucking bar. There's a bunch of mobsters hanging out there. The NFL had to shut it down. I mean, you haven't seen that swagger in 50 years. You want to know what's nuts? What's it called? Frazier.

What's his name? You're calling Bill Clinton on me right now. No, what's the guy's name? We'll be ignoring what the fuck I just, you know. No, no, no. Great country. No, no. Grew up in Arkansas.

Middle of this country. So I saw 360 around me. Clyde. I'm sorry. Clyde Frazier opened a fucking bar and restaurant in New York City like recently. Remember we saw him looking at the temptations? Oh, yeah, yeah,

yeah, when we sat courtside there. But Paul, that's what I'm saying. You guys, I don't know what it is. New York City loves a nerd quarterback. Yeah. The quarterback right now is from duke you got you had eli who was sort of the middle child of the manning family right showing up with his dockers yeah you know what he looks like he looks like an eagle scout he looks like he knows how to tie all the knots he really does.

That's what I love about him. I love that he wore dockers and tucked in his shirt, but if you stuck him out there on the playoffs, he would fucking win for you. What I love about him. He's a beast. I got nothing but respect for him. I mean, I'm always going to make fun of how people look

because most of it has to do with how I feel about myself. No, listen, his legacy is definitely hurt by his face i said that on good morning football you know he's mushed in he always sitting there like this no i don't want that fucking helmet on the best the best was when skip bayless looked at him in the studio and skip goes i'm gonna be honest with you eli i got you here now i can't say it you know behind your back and not to your face and eli's just sitting there and he goes, you know, I said, you know, you're kind of lucky. And dude, Eli just put on a big smile and like the fucking humble man that he is. He goes, no. Yeah, you're right, dude. A lot of luck with that, man. You're right.

And he just sat back and I was like, fuck. That was the best, dude. It was the best. I wish I had that gene to be able to do that yeah hey you're right man i guess i'm a fucking you know asshole you got it i'm sicilian could you imagine the phone call you'd get from me after i did that show oh dude i love there's nothing better say anything better i'll do what i when paulie has bad day, dude, when you leave a message, you don't even say hello. You launch into it. But you're such a nice guy, after you launch into it,

then you quickly give me a quick hello. I'll just like, I'll check messages, and all of a sudden, I'll be like, yeah, Bill, call me back, blah, blah, blah, whatever. And all of a sudden, yours will just come on, Bill, call me back, blah, blah, blah, whatever. And all of a sudden yours will just come on. Is it ever enough? Is it ever enough? No matter what the fuck you do. I'm sorry.

This is Paul. How you doing? Is it ever enough? And then you just fucking launch back into it. Or you just start off and just be like, Bill, I'm sorry. I got to get this off my chest. I go down to the fucking stand tonight. Okay.

I got a 940 fucking spot. It's a shit show. You call me up. Here's what you call me up. One time you said this. This was the fucking greatest thing a friend has ever said. You go, I'm going to lose it. You go, hey, Paul, what's up, dude?

How you doing, man? So who do you got today? Nah, that's not why I called. So anyway, listen to this. Oh, because I knew I was was gonna dump my day on you you just go so who do you like tonight uh who am i kidding that's not why i called dude and you just fucking launched in i've called you up and i go bill you got a minute and you just start burst out laughing you know we should have we know we should have because i know we're not the only ones to do this. We got to have people.

Everybody's got that friend where you can just fucking open the valve and just let it out. Going off about work, about the person you're dating, about politics. Dude, we got to have people send in voice messages of people.

I'm trying to think of something. The problem is you and I can really get in trouble. Because the thing is people, I mean, I don't know, maybe they can get in trouble too if they know their voices. Some fucking, you know, forget that idea. Someone's going to rat somebody out. This podcast is about having fun. I don't want to get anybody in trouble.

Dude, I saw a guy. Yeah, anytime you do stuff like that with the phone, I saw a guy, anytime you do stuff like that with the phone i saw a guy they did a radio prank and they fucking told his they told his wife he was cheating on her as a joke and then they were gonna go just kidding you won money and she goes dude you could listen to it on it's brutal she goes yeah yeah that's why i'm fucking your brother and and the radio guy goes whoa whoa no and that was that real though that was so crazy that wasn't real right it couldn't have been real i don't know but i the recording was real in the radio don't you hate when somebody does that when you have a great story and then they just go i think

it was fake then they just leave you standing there in the nude like you are right now with your dumb story that's why i'm fucking his brother right now. No, she goes- You bought that, Paul? Half Sicilian, half Greek. That's what we're working with here? He's just standing out there in the cold. I'm just literally like this.

I just feel like- No tie for your robe, just trying to hold it closed. What? I thought it happened. It's raining, no umbrella. I'm just trying to hold it closed what i thought it happened it's raining no umbrella i'm just i thought it was real it happens thanks to our great producer uh the great andrew themless guys you're listening to anything better episode one inauguration day of the podcast bill who do you got this weekend we We have two big-time champions.

Who do you like? I'm like, I don't know. I think Joe Barton's got him today. Who do you like in this room? Listen, I got to tip my cap to that guy having the balls to do that outside. There's no fucking way I would have done that. Dude, yeah. And you know what?

They got events until 9 o'clock tonight. That kid's going to be exhausted. God bless him. Oh, him? Jesus. He's's gonna need another facelift and a president can they if it's gonna be 35 to be a president can they cut it off at like 65 70 or like if it goes past 65 you can if term, but like they need to knock it out. Dude, you can't be 85 years old, any fucking president, man. It's like, who's the oldest president? You know, I don't know.

There's this weird thing where like you always hear like in Asian cultures and other cultures how much they respect old people and just how, you know, this is America. You know, you get a little mark on your sneaker. You got to throw it out or your friends make fun of it. We kind of treat people that way. But there is something to be said about, you know, when they get past a certain age. I mean, I feel like at 52, I'm out of touch with a lot of stuff. That's hilarious. You're talking about people like they're Jordan 1s.

Yeah. Like, dude, that guy's a 52. Yes. I'm a Jordan 68, 1968. Yeah, I mean, I'll be honest with you. If I felt like, I mean, you have to have a certain level of life experience, but then you can't be, you know, as old as Trump and Biden are. I mean, they grew up listening to like that.

I mean, not that old, but they were Bill Haley in the comics. Yeah. If Trump got reelected, he's 74. Biden gets elected. He's 76, dude. If this guy goes another term, I mean, it's into your 80s. It's like you got to like cognitively something is not I feel like it should be 35 to be president. You can't be president after 70 unless it overflows into your last term. You know what? I blame Antifa, Paul. If I've learned anything over the last four years, if you back yourself into a corner on either side, you just go, hey, it was Antifa.

I'm going to start using that in my fucking marriage. All right. We got AFC, NFC championship games here bill so who do you like all right we're going against the spread do we got a spread here um we have to go against the spread yeah uh i hold on we should have had that probably ready prepared right hey here's something i okay what i saw Bills do last week against the Ravens, how fast that defense is and everything. I think they match up great with the Chiefs,

but I think I got a bad feeling that Mahomes is going to put one on him because I don't think that he liked getting – like when he got up and he did sort of the funky chicken there with his legs there. He got, like, choked out. No, dude. He looked like fucking Zap Judah when he got knocked out. Yeah, but he didn't get a concussion, which is great.

Oh, he didn't? I thought that's why he couldn't come back. No, I think he got choked out. Because he didn't really take a hit to the head. I remember one time I saw Chuck Liddell choke out Steve-O. And, dude, when I tell you he went like this and went like that and then he was out, it was so fucking fast. I think just inadvertently when he grabbed him and his head came around, I think it was, you know, professional athlete running. And he's probably having his heart pumping really fast and just that immediate cutoff.

I got a medical degree somewhere on this green screen. I think that that's what happened. I have a bad feeling. I got a bad feeling about this game because I think the Bills could beat him, but I think Mahomes is going to come – I think he's going to come back with a fucking vengeance. Chiefs minus three and a half. Chiefs are minus three and a half?

Oh, Chiefs are giving three. That's a great number. And what's going on with the Packers? I'm taking... It's three and a half. It's four. Packers giving four. Packers giving four. Oh, okay, now it's four.

Fuck. I always root for the underdog. Ah, man. Who are you taking? You go first. Who are you taking? I said weeks ago... I'd like a chick seeing what you're going to order for me. You know what you should order, Paul? Yeah, that's me and my wife's biggest fight.

You order my second choice? Who does that joke? Somebody does a great joke about that. Go ahead. That's me and my wife's biggest fight. What do you get? Brett Ernst. Brett Ernst does that joke. Oh, does he? I love Brett Ern bread earns shout out to good bread earns no dude he's the fucking best and he's crushing it in cobra kai his character's hilarious dude um anyway i said for weeks uh what i think is gonna happen i'm sticking to it i got the packers um i got the packers beating the Bucks as much as I hate to say that because I would love to see Brady fucking go out like that. But I got Aaron Rodgers too

strong, man. He's got Adams. He's got Jones at running game. The defense is above average and he's on another level. I got the Packers. I love that spread for bet the fucking house. I bet the house. I told you about the house last week. I would bet the house. I told you I'd bet the house last week. I would bet the house on the Packers. And I'll tell you what, I agree with you. I think Mahomes is going to beat the Bills. All right, and because of that, I'm going to take the Bills. Because Paul Verzi cannot lay off a favorite.

Paul Verzi loves a favorite. Lay in 28. He's like, they're going to crush him. Who loves points more than Bill Burr? I mean, you give Bill four or more points, he just can't handle it. It's like my wife with a deal at Trader Joe's. Can't handle it. It's the Belichick syndrome. I've just seen a good defense beat teams like that so many freaking times. So, oh God. All right. My heart, I want

the Bills and I want Tampa. All right. But as a football fan, no, as a gambler yeah what's the brain say the heart is the heart we I mean you've watched football longer than me I gotta tell you something watching Andy Reid throw the ball at the end of the game on that fourth down play and making Tony Romo actually it was a bad it was a bad call though as far it's not a smart call no No. But that was a new. It was a ballsy thing, yeah. It was a new level to his game. Yeah. I don't think the Bills know how to win at that level yet.

I don't want to do it. But are you taking a three and a half? Huh? No, if I'm getting four. No, you're getting four with the Packers. You're getting three and a half with the Bills., you're getting four with the Packers. You're getting three and a half with the Bills. Oh, I get four with the Packers. Yeah. The Bills Chiefs opened at Bills minus one and a half.

It opened with the Bills giving one and a half. And then now it's. Gun to your fucking head. Gun to my head. See, I got too much heart, Paul. I go with what I like. Rather than. You know what? I'm going Tampa Bay and. I go with what I like. You know what?

I'm going Tampa Bay and I'm going Buffalo. Fuck it. Oh, yes. I did a rod ball. I'm on the dog sled this week. Oh, you know what? What better way to start anything better than you picking opposite of what I'm picking? I mean, I can't.

I give you my opinion. The point is I want to enjoy the games, and I want to root for who I want to root for. That's why I suck at gambling. I don't actually suck at it. I'm not bad. But I'm good if I'm picking a game if I don't give a fuck. But I loved seeing the Chiefs win it last year. They got great fan base.

I love that stadium. I think that's the best fucking stadium in the NFL. And I think that that's what stadiums should look like. And I think if you can't go to a football, if you don't want to go to a football game because you can't wear loafers and eat sushi, you should fucking stay home. Listen, I'm with you.

Dude, that Dallas Cowboys stadium is an abomination. It's one of the worst fucking things I've ever been in my life. You are like 90 miles away from anything. It is so fucking – hey, fucking Texas. Everything's bigger than Dallas. Just because it's bigger doesn't mean it's better, you fucking morons. With that giant fucking TV. Yeah.

I was sitting down low. I had to pull my hat down so i wouldn't look it was clearer than what was on the field it's like what am i doing i should have just gone over to jerry's house and just watched the game with a bunch of hooters chicks ran around you know what's so funny too is his his luxury box is is you can see the guy yeah like. He wants to be seen. He's like, he's got everything but an altar there. Standing there with a Jesus beard on. It's like, I get it. You own the team.

Yeah. I've never been to the case. He's been their biggest fucking problem. I'm telling you. He's done amazing things with the franchise. But, dude, he had lightning in a bottle with Jimmy Johnson, and he couldn't handle it. He didn't want to be the quiet Beatle, Paul. Yeah.

He wanted to be Paula Johns, and then he started being, you know, Jerry, and then he got a bunch of, yeah. Other than Parcells, I feel like he just, he hires, I'm trying to think, like, the last fucking, like, guy I've seen coaching the Cowboys that you would not want to piss off. You know, you ever just see a coach and you just look at him like I would not want to drop a pass on third down and go to the fucking side. Maybe that look Parcells would give. I mean, that was just like, fuck. Chuck, Don, Shula. They all had that angry father face. How great was Lombardi?

What the hell's going on out here? Grab, grab, grab. Nobody tackling. Let me just vent. Since we're doing this, what I love about this podcast is it's sports, it's life, it's everything. No, what I like about this is I got to get it's life it's everything no um what i like about this i i'm gonna get it real quick dude you're going chiefs packers i'm tampa

with that opposite now this is this is the rule we gotta have a rule on this podcast yep you gotta throw some money down now yeah of, of course. So we'll do. Well, what are we saying? What do you want to go a little honey again? A little honey? A honey again? Yeah. Yeah. Was that too low?

I can't read you, Paul. You're a good poker player. No, no, no. We'll go. We'll go a honey game. OK, listen, I'm not even joking. I think anything. I mean, if Aaron Rodgers, the only way Aaron Rodgers needs a stroke to lose this game. Poor kid's going to have to have a stroke to lose the game as far as I'm not even joking. I think anything, I mean, if Aaron Rodgers, the only way Aaron Rodgers needs a stroke to lose this game,

poor kid's going to have to have a stroke to lose the game as far as I'm concerned. Okay. So I love the Packers because as long as that kid doesn't have a stroke or an aneurysm, he's going to fucking put it on him. I believe that. And it's at Lambeau. What if he has Bell palsy?

He still wins? He's got to do the- You don't know Paul. paul goes big yeah uh if this kid would have to get ebola bleeding out of every orifice to not get 200 yards come sunday i'm telling you i'm more worried about the bills i think the bills if there's gonna be an upset i think the bills go in there and put it on them. But I agree with you. I think Mahomes has fucking had it with what's going on. I think I've got to buy a new laptop because I cannot figure out where that thing is.

I don't know if it's on the – It's part of the image. Oh, it's on the thing. Okay. I'll edit it out. So I have the Packers winning by five, and I have the Kansas City Chiefs winning by at least four. We'll go a honey a game.

And I just have to say this, though, on the podcast. Okay, now here's the rule. Whoever wins, right, hopefully – well, it sucks we're only picking two games, so there might not be a clear winner here. You've got to make it the uh a true daily double you got to go double or nothing come super bowl oh okay all right well i'm calling it right now paul i'm calling it right now is there anything better is going to have some of the most ignorant super bowl analysis that you're going to see out there we're going to start to talk about

the game i like how you took that personally. Paul literally thinks because of analytics that he could coach in the NFL now because he would just kick field goals. I could beat him. I could beat the bottom third of the league, Bill. I'm telling you. Dude, you know what's funny? I went ice skating with Sophia today and I started to get good. I started to get fast and I go, dude, if I fucking played, I got a nose for a goal. I go, I'd score a lot. You would. No, you would because you're an athlete.

You got a great arm too and you're fast. No, dude. And you got the low center of gravity. You got like a Marchand thing about you. I love it. Pauly, you should start watching hockey. See what I did there? I hate the Brooklyn Nets on a level.

Listen to me. Back to the hoop. Okay. I hate the Brooklyn Nets on a level that I said yesterday, I like the Dallas Cowboys more. That fucking rat infested place that is, first of all, if you are, I don't give a fuck. If you were a Knicks fan, listen, if you were a New Jersey Nets fan and you lived in New Jersey and you watched the Nets with Jason Kidd and Kerry Kittles and Derek Coleman, God bless you.

But if you were a Knicks fan, this is what I'm talking about. If you were a New York Knicks fan who said we lost too much and Brooklyn came in with that Brooklyn, is is brooklyn in the house where brooklyn at those fucking rats i you know the last one brooklyn we go hard oh yeah brooklyn we go hard dude me and you went to a game there and every second was where brooklyn at brooklyn brooklyn was like getting waterboarded i was like what do these people want me to say to get i am aware of what borough i'm in oh i am aware that you go hard oh and the fact that durant went there and the dude i and and all these guys talk shit because it's brooklyn i saw the fans dude i saw like i saw a skinny kid in a yarmulke yelling shit to a seven foot fucking dude it's like they act like they're

tough because they're in brooklyn it's like they act like they're tough because they're in brooklyn it's like get the fuck out of here dude fuck them they're filled they're rats i can't wait for that i just don't get how you grew up rooting for the knicks all of this time and then you just abandon it i'm trying to picture how like like if uh if a new n NBA franchise came to Worcester, Massachusetts or Attleboro. Yeah. The fucked in Worcestershire sauces. And all of a sudden you're like, you know, wait, where's Worcester at? Is Worcester in the house?

But then again, we have one. Worcester, we go hard. I got to play devil's advocate here. It is a testament to the torture that they've put the Knicks through that literally one borough, arguably the most famous borough. I would say the most famous borough. Yeah, but let me ask you, I don't know about that. The most great people come out of it. Well, let me ask you, I don't know about that. Great people come out of it.

Well, let me ask you. Walked away from the Knicks. Let me ask you a question. The bliss, the pure bliss and elation that you had when your beloved Red Sox won that year. Do you remember when fucking, when they stepped on the bag and they fucking going like this and everybody loses their shit? No, I forget, Paul. What happened? Of course I remember.

Exactly. And you know what? I'm going to be there when the Knicks do it. And that's what all these fucking unloyal people should think about. But meanwhile, they just got that guy who looks like Bill Cosby when he grows the beard. Remember Bill Cosby used to come on Sesame Street and have that big bushy beard? Dude, I'm going to tell you something right now. That fucking guy, I'm so bad with the hoop guy's names.

James Harden. James Harden, yeah. Dude, that guy's defense is some of the best comedy I've seen in the last 10 years of stand-up. Dude. And I don't get how he takes, you know, there's literally just like all of these highlights. When he does that jump back to take, everybody goes, one, two, three, four. And he takes four steps. By the way, what the fuck is a European step?

Whatever the fuck they call it. The Euro step is when you. Euro step. Yeah, the two steps that you take to the hole it's kind of when you glide with it it's it's like uh your momentum is moving so you're moving and like you adjust in the air and then you do the layup that's what they call the euro step but you have to be a european player to do it i guess that's where they fuck hey i got actually a name i'm going to throw out to you some kid that I saw and then I watched this highlight video of him and I was blown away by him is is it Tyler Hero yeah on the heat yeah Jesus Christ yeah I saw that kid uh I always forget the jaw what's his face on uh oh that's my son loves both of them uh oh my god dude he just decided they the night we

went he just decided they weren't gonna lose it and i i also like that dude brooks on on uh memphis is that his name dude he every time i see him play he goes 100 100 you know what we have to do on anything better we have to make predictions of right before a guy retires how slow his metabolism is going to be and if he blows out like bernard king did oh yeah and you sometimes you can see it dude there's a couple of guys that you know like the last two years you're like they're gonna blow out you know that's happened to guys they've literally eaten their way out of the league and some them, it was because they were so fucking poor when they were growing up. They were always hungry.

That it's like this psychological fucking thing. I don't know. Maybe that's just some liberal shit explaining the way of being a fat fuck. I don't know. You ever just like bring up something and you forget where you heard it or where even the point was halfway through it? That's what that was. That sounded like some liberal woman. Here's the reason why.

They want to help it. You sure it doesn't have anything to do with that. Fucking cheeseburgers are delicious. Dude, that's just sin, dude. It's such a fucking sin. What's a bigger sin is the guys that fucking have to play, you know, for $2,000 a week in Europe because they blew fucking $65 million. That's fucking more brutal than eating your way out of the league. I know.

I know. And you know something? Do you remember when Magic said that thing a long time ago that those women are waiting, that they're trying to get you when you get out? And he got in trouble when they were saying it was like misogynistic and shit. And it's just like he's talking about groupies. And those same women that said that, if a woman like that approached their husband, they'd fucking chase him away.

Right? Yeah. When did he say that magic? Way back in the day when he first got sick. Some reason I didn't want to say HIV positive. God bless that guy. You ever see that South Park thing where they showed how he beat HIV?

Vaguely, I don't remember. They had like a blender and they were just shoving gold and cash into it and it was coming out liquid form and he was drinking it. Dude, talk about brilliant, those guys. Dude, South Park has been the best social commentary going on 25 years.

Those guys are unbelievable. And what I love about them is they're so fair. They just 360 just destroy whatever subject they're talking about or whatever they're writing about. I just wish people, I don't know. I feel like the Simpsons too, dude. I feel like the Simpsons for three decades were just like, they were just, the jokes were good, man. Like, you know, I, yeah.

I forget what, I forget what episode they're up to. Mike Price from the Simpsons. He's the co-creator of F is for family, which by the way, I gotta, I gotta do a shout out to the late great david richardson who unfortunately passed away a couple days ago i may talk too much about it i'll get emotional but dude when i just tell you one of the funniest like dude the shit he would say in the writer's room that's great man and what made it even funnier was because he was like a big brother he had a combination of like he was his age he was like a big brother or like a father figure

and he was i think he was like 63 64 years old i'm 52 so i was sort of in the middle of the people in the room where there was times where he would say shit and i would side with the the younger i mean they're kids to me like in their 30s right and then there was other times where they would be saying something i'd be like no dave is right here this you got you got to go old school on this one and um he was so goddamn funny i remember when prince died he came in he's like oh my god i can't believe prince died he's a genius and like that he just sort of sitting there he's looking at his phone he just sort of out of the side of his mouth goes i mean i think he was a little overrated just dude he lost

like two hours in the writer's room that day and he was a huge allman brothers fan and he loved every second of it dude just taking on the whole room he knew exactly what the fuck he was a huge allman brothers fan and he loved every second of it dude just taking on the whole room he knew exactly what the fuck he was doing and it was this big fucking it was and it became like this running joke this running joke people would pitch jokes to put prints in the fucking thing or just anything you could do to bring it up. He was the guy that's responsible for Frank's character, not liking the Kennedys and being a Nixon guy. He picked that. And it gave that great relationship that he had with Kevin because Kevin was an artist.

He was smoking weed. And I never would have thought to do that. And it's just like it it's like yeah this is right he was he was from that era and everything and it would be cool just i don't know i've just never seen a guy talking positively about nixon on like a cartoon or whatever i just thought it was great so whatever i'm gonna i'm well you know what rest is still stunned dude i can't i can't believe he i cannot believe he's gone. And he was there literally from day one. Dude, I remember one time he was...

I probably shouldn't tell this, but dude, he was telling this. It was season one. And we were writing a scene and Frank and Sue, they were going to have a love scene or something like that. So we're trying to think of all these funny things. And he started riffing with somebody in there. And somehow it ended with Sue putting a rose in Frank's ass and him just sitting there. He was standing up going, plant it in the dirt.

Plant it in the dirt. It was fucking nuts, right? And I was sitting there. It was like three episodes in. I was like, what the fuck? like what the the happened i was like this isn't the show i want to do i didn't understand that writers do that it's a way of resetting your brain to be like all right i'm just around around okay let's let's let's pitch a real joke it's like there's the jokes just to make them laugh yeah through the day dude because i gotta tell you sitting in a writer's room for ten eleven hours one of the hardest things i've done in this fucking business dude it's brutal

so um i remember like after that he must have saw the look on my face because i was sitting there going like are they gonna put this in the script because i didn't i didn't never had a show get to the air so afterwards he came to the office and he apologized he's like i'm sorry man i was just you know i was just fucking around. I hope I didn't offend you. He was just such a nice guy. And I was thinking like, oh, God, what am I, like the person who gets offended? I was like, no, no, no.

I just thought like, you know, I didn't think we had to put a rose in his ass. And he goes, I was just fucking around. Then I felt like an idiot. And then after that, we were just like, I don't know, just like friends for the whole time. And it sucks, man. Dude, Prince is overrated. Looking at his phone is so fucking funny. Oh, dude, threw it away.

Oh, and the timing. He had me like looking up quotes where Clapton, one time somebody said, Clapton, you're the greatest guitarist out there and he even said he goes well then you you didn't listen to the new prince album or something and then think about prince too dude the guy played every instrument i don't even think guitar was his first instrument i would guess it was like piano because he wrote songs and stuff a lot of those guys it seems like they songwriters great songwriters are always like piano players but like that dude we ended up pulling up dude I'm telling you we lost two hours that day we pulled up did you ever see Prince play

um the George Harrison uh tribute at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame no dude dude what about Prince I would put that guitar solo up against anything and we were showing that he was just like he's just playing all over the place and he was pulling up Dwayne Allman. It was insane. It was one of my favorite days in the writer's room. And he somehow made Prince dying fun. Because then we got to watch all of these great musicians battling it out. Yeah.

Just kept stirring the pot. And I remember Mike after a while, because Mike runs the room. He's like, all right, guys. All right, come on. We got to get going here. We got to go. It's so much lunchtime. And then he would just say another thing.

And then the joke became delaying writing. It was so much fun, dude. He was such a fun, fun guy. Great guy. What about Prince at the Super Bowl, dude? Dude, what about Prince anywhere? You know, he used to do shows at like the Forum. He'd play all these sold-out shows there.

And then afterwards, he would go over to the House of Blues when it was across the street from the comedy store and just show up and sit in just because he loved playing. I mean, dude, if you played the forum telling jokes, would you then go fucking pop in? It's something like open mic just to do more jokes because you love comedy that much? I mean, the guy was, yeah, it's something else. So I don't know. We got a little sidetrack there.

Anyway, no, no, no, no, man. Condolences, thoughts and prayers to his family. He sounds like an amazing person. Sorry that you lost your friend. But dude, it sounds like he was a fucking riot. So those memories are awesome. Dude, this has been amazing, man. And you know what? I want to

let the listeners know that even though we don't work together, no, we don't do stand-up together. I'm a few years removed from opening for Bill, but we always had fun on podcasts and we are back motherfuckers. Anything better? Episode one. We got our picks.

Bill is taking the lowly, the hapless. Now Bill is, Bill has got the bills and the Tampa Bay Bucks. I picked the bills and Browns week, and I won on both. I know. When did that happen? In the playoffs? Playoffs? I got Rodgers and Mahomes.

Rodgers has to have a stroke to lose this game, as far as I'm concerned. Bet the kids college on it. Dude, this has been awesome. We're back. Thank you guys so much. This has been Episode one of Anything Better. Shout out to our amazing producer, Andrew Themlis, guys. This is just the beginning.

Paul, do me a favor. Watch one hockey game this week. I threw out Tyler Hero. I hope I said his first name right. I'm still going to watch the Celtics tonight. We could do the – listen, I can see it in your face. You're not going to do it, Paul. No, no, no.

It's like you wanted to get Italian, and I said, hey, you want to go get a burrito or something? I saw it, and your heart set on it, and your face was like, fuck. I was going to suggest Italian, and now he threw out Mexican. Now I got to get Mexican because I don't want to do this to him. You tell me which game to watch, and I'll watch just as long as it's not during a Knick game. That's fair. That's fair. Well, you got the New York Rangers.

Pick a fucking Rangers game. You know what, dude? My uncle, the first time I ever went to a Rangers game, I was in Long Island, and my uncle took me to the National Coliseum to see Pat LaFontaine play with the Islanders. I love the Islanders. I know, but I think that's my confliction because that was my first game. then i've also been to the garden so i don't know what to do over here you know it's like no i get it the islanders also played with the brooklyn nets did for a second but

they're getting a new stadium all right we go rangers there you go there you go. There you go. Dude, you got to go. Rangers is one of the original six. But, like, I got to tell you, you know, the Islanders, Al Arbor and all of those, they got an incredible legacy there. All right, real quick. We'll end the podcast with this. Ugliest athlete you've ever seen. Does that include me in a pickup game of hockey?

No, I'm just kidding. There's been a couple of beauts. Well, I don't want to do that to a fucking singer. I don't know. If you're ugly, you got to hope you're playing football so you got a fucking helmet on. All right, that's it. Paul, I got to tell you, what's your thing this week? My thing, anything better.

Is there anything better as a married guy? You come home. you're married with two kids you come home expecting them to be there and they're not there and you got a fucking couple sticks in your fucking humidor oh the back porch oh that's a good smoke a third of it until you right before you hear them well i heard him coming through the front door i closed the curtains to the back porch all right that's a daughter through and she's like dada you blowing smoke and i was like yeah she goes stop blowing smoke all right all right that's a good one here's a good one for me is there anything better than when you and your wife crack an amazing bottle of red

right an amazing bottle of red and you know she you take a sip and you know you're having more and she only wants one and she's going to bed dude i'll take a fucking bottle of grapes to the head alone a lot i just can't handle it i just you know a know, a good cab, a good Chianti. How do you handle that hangover, though, dude? That red wine used to fuck me up. I could drink that brown shit all day long. And I loved two glasses of wine, you know. But they did give me that goddamn chalice. You feel like you should be standing there like a toga.

Let's talk about that real quick, and then we'll go. This is when you know you're an animal, you're not a wine cornucer when you got that purple half circle on your upper lip it's like you're not enjoying this you're trying to get fucked up are you ever going back 1868 you're like it's good it's all in your mustache and shit are you ever going back are you ever like is this i mean have we have we had our last hurrah as drinking you know or um listen dude i gotta get the kids up and running you know what i mean they're coming down the runway i gotta make sure they're not gonna abort the flight and just go go straight into the fucking fence i gotta get them up them up and running. I'm not saying I'm 100% done for good.

I'll tell you, dude, just talking to you and talking about going on the road and shit, I was thinking all the good times we had. Oh, man. That little demon just sat up in the coffin talking to you. He just sat up. Oh, dude. Is he going to do it?

Is he going to do it is he gonna do it america first every other place is worse rather than fucking hearst to live in another country dude me and you drank after the fucking longhorns game we got hammered oh we wrote a country song a country song called america first and then we were literally going up to people as they're leaving the game going hey man we just wrote this single where musicians you want to hear it and that one sweetheart goes sure we're going america first every other place is worse and then you go rather be in a fucking hearse and i fuck and we could never finish that's right we were fucking hammered and we were yeah we were i forgot where we were at we were yeah we were in austin texas and we were

drunk singing to longhorn fans as they walked out asking if we had a shot and everyone was saying no and that lady was so nice she said yes dude do you remember I took my shirt off at the Alamo? And I took that sick- That's one of the sickest fucking pictures I ever took. He took his shirt off, and he just goes, and I caught you right in the perfect facial expression where you look like you just murdered 12 people and were upset that there wasn't 13 people.

Dude, you looked like a fucking serial killer. And that was the deal. We did the shows, and we were downstairs, and there was that mariachi band. Dude, all of my road shit with you at this point, my memories, it's like a slideshow. Alamo, Chongqing. Mariachi band, Chongqing band i don't remember it no the shit you did in chicago when it

was like a montage in a movie you and bartnick doing shots and dancing to acdc and then i go that's when you're drunk you're actually dancing to acdc not just headbanging like i was dancing like i was listening to fucking sinatra you might as well have been at a fucking gal a ball dude and then you led like five people out onto a non-existent dance floor and then you walked over to it they came hammered you walked over to me hammered and and uh and you go these things watered down are these things even these things i think these things watered down dude i never see so you go i'm things water down? Are these things even? These things, I think these things water down, dude. I never see it. So you go, I'm going to slow down.

And it was like a montage, dude. And you held it together, dude. I lived his career that night. People were just bouncing off me in the beginning. You couldn't stop me. And then all of a sudden, right around 2 a.m., I got traded to the Saints. That was the worst fucking hangover I've had in my adult life. I slept till five o'clock.

And I woke up. I ordered room service. I was with you. We ate on stage at the fucking Chicago Theater. And I remember thinking like, rock stars do, this is what rock stars do? I'm never doing this again. This is fucking horrible.

I still had a good show, but I didn't feel like I was who I should have been that night. You know what I mean? No, we didn't do many of that though. That's why I always worked as the team, me, you, Bartnick. I had the, oh, I had that one night. Oh, I had that one night in Detroit, okay?

And I do it. You were like, Verzi, why don't you't you how about us at our age i was well into my 40s drinking till five in the fucking morning no blow all natural no i could the all-natural champion i could attest to that we would go out no no drugs it was booze an occasional me it was occasional weed but uh i remember that one time i was real bad and you were like why don't you sit this one out if you feel and i go no and i went out there and then i was just like all right dude i'm i'm done you you know but we never drank on the job dude i just remember like i wouldn't want to go out and you would sometimes i'm like ah paul i can't do it man i can't do it you'd be like all right all right and then you go on stage and then you go up and you kill and then as you intro me when i would start walking to the mic as i'm walking the mic you'd be like you'd be

looking at me like this and then i'd walk by you and i'd be like all right maybe one and you're like i fucking love you i fucking love you hey keep it going fucking love you. I fucking love you. Hey, keep it going for Paul Mersey, you fucking drunk. Hey. One time you walked up and you go, hey, dude, dude, make sure there's a whiskey poured when I get off. Hey, what's going on? And I was like, it is fucking on, dude. It is fucking on. I wish I could still do that.

I was going to say, I wish that when I stepped off stage every fucking time, like they stuck one of those old school, just plain white towels around my neck, handed me a whiskey and I just stepped into a car that was already running and they just whisked me away. Even if I was going back to a Super 8, just to fucking do it one time. I'll tell you right now, God be with me and my family if I make fucking serious money. Because I'll have, I will fucking have, dude, God be with me and my family if I make fucking serious money. Because I'll have, I will fucking have, dude, I'm not even joking, dude. I would have a loaded up just alcohol, champagne, private jets. I just pictured you in a tracksuit looking like Big Pun. I was going to say, do you have anything to plug?

Do you have anything to plug? Do you have anything to plug? No, dude, it's a pandemic. Everything that I did has come out at this point. I did one day on two different movies that aren't going to, I mean, I don't know how long it's going to take them to edit them, but yeah, I don't have anything to plug other than I'm taking the bills and the Buccaneers. Dude, is there anything better than taking two dogs and fucking winning 200 bucks from your best buddy in the world?

I don't think there's anything better than that. Is anything better than me and you doing this podcast and you taking points and me taking favorites on episode one, which was meant to be because I can't let up? It's a pilot episode, Paul. You got to let people know who the characters are. You do the pilot over and over again the whole first season. They get who you are. He's the sarcastic one. He's the dumb dumb.

He's the fucking, what's friends? The whiny guy there. Yeah. I'm sad. All right. That's it, everybody. Hold on. Let me just plug. I will be, well, I got time, but I just want to let people know. I just got Florida dates added, guys. March 24th, I will be at the Orlando- Don't yell into the mic, Paul. What? Don't yell into the mic.

Oh, sorry. All right, yeah. It's the pilot of- I just want to fucking say, Paul's first, he's going to be in Florida. I'll be in Florida, March 24th. You're going to leave a couple of tickets for Donnie? I think he went down there.

Donnie and Milani. Donnie and Milani. You think he's like, why did I fuck New York so bad in taxes? Because they didn't vote for me. Now you got to go down to fucking Florida. Florida's nice. I'm just saying. No, dude.

He's going to be two weeks playing golf in Sarasota and be like, what the fuck did I do? No, but he's going to have his residency down there because he doesn't want to pay the fucking taxes. You know what's funny? I don't even know if you raised the taxes. Somebody just told me that he did. Isn't that funny when somebody tells you something and you just fucking use it in an argument? It's hilarious. I believe it every time.

Let me plug these. Orlando, improv. October, fuck. March, March 24th, I will be at the Orlando Improv. March 25th, I will be at the West Palm Beach Improv. And in May, I'm going to Sidesplitters in Tampa, the 20th to the 23rd. All of those dates and more dates will be on paulverzi.com. You can check that out.

And for more episodes of this, you guys know where to go. You can get them everywhere. You get podcasts, iTunes, Spotify everywhere. Check out the Verzi Effect, my YouTube. Bill, what can I say, man? We're fucking with we might not be on the road together, but we're back. We're back together. I'm going to go and get a Sharpie and fill in whatever the fuck that is. All right. Thank you, you everybody for watching. We'll see you next week. Thank you.