Anything Better? - Like Jackie Gleason

Episode Date: March 13, 2021

Is there anything better than Bill and Paul talking about massage parlors, horses, and double standards.       produced by Andrew Themeles @themeles & All Things Comedy

what's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast episode eight is there anything better than two months doing a podcast with your friend yeah hey is anything better than teaching your daughter how to ride a bike beautiful Beautiful. No, that's a good one. That is a good one. Thank you guys so much for listening. All of the amazing comments, ratings. Please keep rating and commenting on the podcast. It helps the show go up.

And, oh, we're just getting warmed up here on episode eight. We're just getting warmed up here. I saw the video that you sent with you doing some really cool shit as a dad and i was like oh i remember those days yeah i remember those days dude yeah that was uh that was literally the uh within five minutes of her learning how to ride a bike so i brought my wife out to show her and uh yeah the only thing she got with the handbrakes she just when she goes to grab she just grabs them so if she's going too fast i'm teaching her to like ease in but she's really good with balance and everything and uh i was telling her today when i was giving her a ride

to school how proud i was of her you know basically i'm just doing everything i can to try to prevent her from ever doing an open mic at a comedy club. Loving her. I'm supporting her. I'm telling her that, you know, she is good enough. She's smart enough. And God darn it, people like her. Yeah, God darn it, people like her. You know what we did since we have the big backyard and the grass?

Somebody said, let them go on that. So I used to hold the bicycle seat and they'd start going in the driveway and then i'd let them go and they'd just go into the backyard so if they fell it was on grass but it was funny because they got freaked out every time they started to like look like i'm doing it the thing would just it would fall on the grass yeah it gets weird when they do one of those and the bike starts to like whip around my thing is you know the height too it kills your lower back you know kind of sort of running along with them and you start to you know selfishly choose your lower back over them at some point like all right let's just let him go here so i can i can stand up you know speaking of lower

back pain so sophia and i went ice skating again, dude. And she's like my little girl. Where are you going ice skating? I want to take my daughter back. Just every place out here is closed. So my daughter has been to eight lessons already. She wears hockey skates. She's eight years old. Good. You get her the real skates. She's going, she's like, dad, I want to play ice hockey and I'm getting better being with her. She's like, no, this is how you stop. And she's showing me how to stop. And then they do this thing where you go backwards, and she's kind of showing me how to go backwards.

So I think, like, soon I'm going to be, but I'm like, daddy, let's go sit down. Daddy's back's on fire. Can I just sit down because my right foot, for some reason, when I ice skate, the middle of my right foot just cramps, and it's getting less and less with each time, but I'm using muscles. I never, cause it's all balance and shit. And my core stretch at all before I, I'd already know the answer to this before. No, I don't stretch before I skate. The look on your face as I asked, I go, do you stretch at all? You kind of went,

yeah, no, no, no, I don't. I don't know why you, as much as you're into sports and you played sports, you were quarterback for your football team and all of that stuff that you just somehow never got into like a stretching regimen. The fact that you do, that blows my mind that you can do that at your age and not just immediately blow out an Achilles. When I go play pickup basketball, I stretch like crazy. When I work when i go play pickup basketball i stretch like crazy when i when i work out or i do that i stretch like crazy i stretch before bed but ice skating i just kind of throw them on and glide i didn't even know to be honest i didn't even know that i was

supposed to do that why because you thought like the yeah i just thought like i'm i'm gliding i'm going what am i you know i didn't i didn't fuck i get that yeah i go i just go like this and then i go like 10 feet so like yeah but you're you're right because it explains the burning of my lower back and the pains in my legs yeah i'll tell you the biggest stretch that i learned this is this for all the old guys out there the psoas huge oh that's the one where like you lay on that thing there's a not that yeah that not that thing i'm just saying just that muscle it's the muscle that connects basically your upper body to your lower body in the front and that's the thing that gets really tight all day is you're sitting down watching videos or doing office work and that gets so tight that then your lower back has to

compensate so then you get you get lower back pain. So you think your back's fucked up. And it's that you need to keep that thing stretched out. Every time I used to go to yoga classes, those people that could do the cobra and come up like that, I always thought it was like their spine. How did their spine curve like that? It's not the spine.

It's the shit in the front that's preventing you from going up. You got to stretch this. And I thought it was this back here. This is how fucking lazy I am. One time on the road, you were doing something. You go, Verzi, let me show you these stretches. And you showed me like 30 stretches. And you changed everything.

It was incredible. My back, everything was good. And then I remember calling you up one time going, what were those? All they were is the beginning stretches of like the yoga I used to take. It's just basic forward bends, downward dog, the Cobra, and then like a couple of twists and then the bringing the knee up and bringing it over. If you just do that, you do that. And then occasionally you do that one where your feet are out at like 10 and 2 and you try to go out. You ever see Rogan do that?

Like his shit is like at 9 and 3 and he's all the way down on the ground with his fucking head like that. Like, I mean, I don't, I mean, he's like in blood sport. Like I'm just a frigging comedian. So like I can just do 10 and two and just sort of just being doing that has helped keep that sciatic nerve issue I had at bay. Yeah. Stretching is huge. And I'll tell you this, dude. Is there anything at my age, is there anything better than a fucking, a piping hot fucking Epsom salt bath?

Dude, I step out of that thing and for like 20 minutes, I feel like I'm 22 again. Yeah, I haven't bathed. I got to take a bath, man. I'm a shower guy. I'm not a bath guy. Oh, no, dude. Baths are ridiculously underrated. Ridiculous.

People go, oh, you take a bath and it's just like you're laying in your own filth. It's like, what am I, working a mine shaft? Yeah, I'm not that fucking dirty. Yeah, coming in like a mechanic, coming out from under the fucking 18-wheeler. Yeah, I mean, if I was filthy, I'd hose myself off first. I get that. But like, how fucking dirty are you? You're wearing clothes all day.

It's protecting you. It's not like you're walking in there like fucking pig are you you're wearing clothes all day it's protecting you so you're walking in there like pig pen you know flies buzzing around you and you know what i got to invest in bill oh you know what i got invested i got to invest in a hot tub right off my patio and i'll sit in it during the snowstorm and smoke a stick there's this i there's no doubt drinking a fucking wine absolutely you will and you'll call me up like with steam on your head i'll be i'll do facetiming is there anything better i'll get it before the weight of that thing falls through the top of your deck because you had a jerk off cousin come in and do it

i'll get a fucking water i was reading they should maybe be on the ground floor oh no you could have that up there you could have that up there i think this thing can hold it dude it's so funny you said that me and brett ernst always do the thing where italians got a cousin it's like how'd you get no my cousin woulda it's always but like it's always a little off it's like it's your cousin but like he almost had it right it's like yo you know uber it's not quite like that but him and his friend got cars but they always go you'll go to the airport just call him up here's his card it's you know it's a startup um oh dude i'll get a hot, I'll be in a fucking waterproof fur coat and a hot tub smoking. That's going to be my album cover.

I just be in a hot tub with a fur and a, and what's my special, um, dude, I did something. I did something the other day to my back and my neck, and now my hands are tingling, right? My hands are tingling, and now I have to figure out if I got to get another shot in my neck. And you know I'm trying to fight this surgery, right? So I went for a- Talk to Dean Del Rey. He knows the guy. Yeah.

I- Dean Del Rey walked into a grocery store and just collapsed. He thought he was having a stroke. He thought he was dying, and it was from his motorcycle accident. He had a herniated disc in his neck. And this guy gave him exercises and all this stuff. It's the dude he learned through Rogan. What people don't understand- It fixed, I think, Rogan's shoulders and his knees. If you have a herniated disc in your neck, which mine is the C6, and it either pushes left or

right, mine's pushing straight back on the nerve. You literally can't pick up your cell phone sometimes. Like that's the, like you're, it's like, you're just don't have the, and then, and then two days later, it all comes back because something got like aligned. But, um, dude, I remember this one time I was at a club. I was at a comedy club in the city. It's a true story. I was like, yeah, man, I did my shows and I wasn't, I wasn't passed in any club. So I was like, this is like, I was literally standing outside of bars and Greenwich village going, Hey, comedy show. That's the one I do comedy show, comedy show. Right. And people are like, fuck you. I'm going, I'm going down here. I'm going to the cellar or whatever. And I was like, man, one day, you know, like I'm standing

there and, um, I was done for the night and I go, man, I need a massage. So the guy goes, oh, go around a corner. I'm like, dude, it's one in the morning. He goes, go around. It's a thing. Right. So I go in there and I go, how much is a massage? Right. And she's like, it's 60 plus tip. I had $80. So I'm like, perfect. I'll get it for 60. But I go in and she closes the door. It's a hundred percent true. She closes the door and she just goes, you want special massage? I go, no. And she started touching my belly button and shit. And I'm like, no, no. I was like, I got, I got 60, whatever. No, no. I'll give you special. And she started to like, kind of like, you know, try to touch my

balls and shit. And I'm like, no, no, no. I don't have them. I, I, my, my back, my back. Right. So I laid down and she just kept, she dimmed the lights and she kept going, are you sure you don't want special massage? I'm like, I don't have, I just want to get my back. I have a fucked up back. So dude, I'm laying on my stomach. Okay. Hand to God, I'm laying on my stomach and I feel my, like I'm, I'm laying this way and i feel her grab my shin and lift my back leg up like this and all of a sudden i get this sensation on my toes i look dude this bitch had my toes in her mouth try sucking my feet and i try go yo i go what are you doing what are you doing man i got 60 dollars so who the fuck goes to massage parlor at one in the morning and thinks that place is legal dude i was you think she actually knows how to work out your back you went to a punter so who the fuck goes to massage parlor at one in the morning and thinks that place is legal

dude i was you think she actually knows how to work out your back you went to a punter to see if they could hit a fucking curveball you're you're not even the right stadium here oh no here's the thing i was young i didn't know about that stuff yet i had just i was young i was the hatch just blew i had 60 dude she put my toe in her mouth and i just jumped out i jumped up and i go what are you doing i literally i think i said what are you doing i got 60 i'm not doing this into that by the way she i just she i think she think like she thought i was playing hard to get and then i realized i'm in a house like i'm in a house i got 60 i can't believe the story went that way paul i mean

i thought that was totally legit dude i went to my shah's parlor get this at one in the morning in the village in new york this chick tried to touch my dick i mean it came out of nowhere what were you 12 oh i knew something was up when they had doors because legit places don't have doors on the room you can't have a door you know if you know shady shit's going on but then i learned later you know then i learned um yeah like it's like it was a bad massage it was like okay you were it's the worst yeah no training the perfect massage parlor would it be a be an amazing masseuse and one of those fucking horse after so they totally work out your whole body and then they then then you have the pro comes in and what a host. It does to your dick what that other woman did to your back.

And then you're just done. Dude, you would walk out of there. I'm telling you, the leaders of every world, every world, every country, should have that done to them every morning at 9 a.m. before they sit down. Before Pakistan talks to India. Before Russia talks to America. Before Russia talks to America. Before England talks to Ireland.

Whatever the fucking big rivalries are right now. Before Christians talk to Muslims. That should all fucking happen. He gets on the phone with the world leader. He goes, we were going to bomb you today. But I got to tell you something. Sheila came in and fucking. No, but dude, he wouldn't be like that.

He'd be like, hey, listen, man, you know. What is a border anyways? It's an imaginary line. This is stupid. I mean, I'm sitting here looking out the window right now. I got the same trees you got. What are we doing here? You know what?

There is a game on Sunday. I can't believe I'm saying this. I would love for you and your people to come over to my house. I don't know what got into me. My back feels great. My balls are empty. I get what the world is supposed to be. You know what, Paul?

But would these broads do that for us? No. It's unreal. You know what kills me is all these women out there that are trying to learn all those stripper pole moves, and not one of them will watch some whore teach them how to do a proper fucking hand job. It would so help the relationship. Did you ever see that woman who had a stripper pole in her bedroom? It's a hilarious YouTube. She had a stripper pole in her bedroom it's a hilarious

youtube but she had a stripper pole in her bedroom and it wasn't installed right and she tried she tried doing moves and just thing ripped out of the wall so yeah she had a friend put it in he's like a cousin yeah if i cut my cut yeah i'll do that he'll put one in all four corners he got a stripper pole in every room think he gives a fuck oh when is international men's day that's what i'm waiting for international man's day they got that yeah paul it's anytime we hang out that's what it is and they hate it we get along with each other let's not go down this road. I will tell you this, this strip. I love how you said that. And then you go, let's not do that. I always do it. I totally started. And then I drag you in.

I did nothing. I'm Paul. Don't do this. I called, I called Paul earlier this week and I, this is how I started the message. I said, Hey Paul, as a friend, I'm going to warn you. If you're getting along with your wife, don't listen to this message. Cause what happens is, is I go off if I'm going to warn you. If you're getting along with your wife, don't listen to this message. Because what happens is I go off if I'm having a bad day. And then I get by the end of the conversation, you're into it. But we ended up working it out. We worked it out.

Yeah, what it is, is I'll be laying on the couch watching the All-Star Game, the dunk contest. I'll be relaxed. And then your call comes and you hop me up because you'll get me excited. And now I'm pacing. And I'm like, I'm into his shit right now. Like I was just laying down. I was. And it was that classic shit where they just they just can't fucking give it up. This is what happened, right?

I'll tell it real quick. I love all these people here. OK, in this story before you don't tell these fucking story. But it's just it's funny because it's a stupid was a stupid argument. So I'm people here, okay, in this story. Because I usually don't tell these fucking stories. But it's just, it's funny because it was a stupid argument. So I'm sitting here, right? Like, you know, I took mushrooms for the first time ever, like, fucking, I don't know, a couple weekends ago, right? And I ended up, you know, I mean, shit, you know, the toilet was breathing and shit and stuff like that. And I was just like, all right, well, I know it's not breathing.

It's because I'm fucking tripping. Right. But then I felt this profound sense of like emptiness and not feeling loved and all of that shit. And I realized that this shit was from like my childhood. So I was like, you know what? I need, I can't hear you. Oh no, no.

Can you hear me now? Oh, Ray Romano. Nice. Yeah. How about now? Your internet connection is unstable. Is that me? Oh, Ray Romano. Nice. Yeah. How about now? Your internet connection is unstable. Is that me? Oh, that's you.

That's you, Paul. I can hear you. Okay. I got all the bars. Go ahead. Whatever. So I decided like, you know what? I'm sick of being this fucking, I'm a comedian.

I fucking hate myself. Fuck this. I'm going to take care of myself this month. So I was just like, I'm going to go fucking plant-based, see what that's all about. I'm just going to be stone sober. And when I'm having bad days, rather than just be like, oh, I'm going to fucking have an edible so I don't have to deal with it. It's like, no, I'm going to find out what the fuck that is and address it. So everything's going great, Paul. And you know the deal, Paul. When things are going great, you know, it kind of upsets the

relationship because you're doing all right. You're growing, right? So anyway, I say I was making this fucking, you know, one of these protein bowl things. And one of Nia's friends was over and she says like, oh, that's delicious. That looks delicious. What is it? I told her, I said, I've been eating this thing. I go, you know, I've been eating plant-based for like 10 days. I feel great. And I've dropped like five, six pounds. All right? Now, what would you say if somebody said that?

I'd be like, oh, that's great, man. Yeah. What do women say? Oh, that's, you know, it's so much easier for you guys, right? You know? You just, you just, guys just say they're going on a diet and they start losing weight it's just like i've been eating like a fucking ferret for 10 fucking days this is fucking hard i am so sick of eating fucking sweet potatoes and whatever the fuck

else i got in this thing i want a burger like you read about and i'm staying away from it just to see like what this is so then i end up coming back classic me i take the bait rather than being like okay whatever i don't need to address that i just totally jump on the hook paul get pulled right into the boat i go you know what the problem is with you women they always come up with an excuse. They can't just say, you're here and you want to be here because of what you're doing. It's got to be like, oh, because of these fucking da-da-da-da, every fucking thing, right? You said this out loud in front of them? Of course I did, Paul. I'm an idiot.

So then my wife hears it, and then all of a sudden she becomes third man in, should have been ejected from the game, but we're not playing by NHL rules. And then she's giving me shit, and then her friend feels bad because then we start going at it right because i'm just like you know if you told me you lost an eighth of an ounce of weight i'd be like that's great i can see it in your face even if i couldn't just to make you feel good just to make you fucking feel good so i fucking i got dish rags flying storm out of the place then she actually called me later she's like you know what you're right i'm sorry i shouldn't have said that because we tried to apologize but then i had to apologize for what i said after what was said

it's like no i wouldn't have said that if you didn't say the other so like how about you just apologize and i don't have to apologize how about for fucking once you just fucking stand there on your female feet square up and be like you know what i was fucking wrong and you know what she did it nice i don't i i got i got a good one i got a good one dude i'm trying to have sex with my she walked in. I was like, look at that ass and those leggings. I was like, look at that.

You look good. That ass looks. And she'll just be like, you know, give me a smirk. And I'll be like, yeah, I see it. I see it. Because she's on a diet, you know? Where am I? Is this where I order?

I feel like nobody's paying attention to me here. I don't know how you do that mushroom shit, man i would i'm not gonna i don't i did it one time and i'm never doing it again because i i got the information i needed i don't love myself i don't love myself you should dude the amount of times the amount of times i will fucking walk down the street on a hike and I'll think about something and I just go, oh, I hate myself. I've been doing that, dude, for like 40 fucking years. It's hilarious. And I never was conscious that I was doing it. And I realized it's a whole bunch of other shit that I'm trying to fucking work out.

Me feeling like somebody's saying something that they shouldn't have fucking said. And then I go, oh, no, maybe it's me. maybe it's me. And then the moment to have said something goes by and then it doesn't happen. And then that just becomes something else that I talk to myself about when I'm driving. Yeah. I've been like the person still there and it was seven fucking years ago. And then that shit just starts stacking up, Paul. And then all of a sudden I say, I'm losing a little bit of weight and somebody makes a fucking comment. Next thing you know, I'm fucking throwing spoons around. Yeah. Has nothing to do with all of that.

No, dude, that's a healthy thing. I actually I went on a rant on the Versi effect, which you guys should subscribe to. And I was talking about how people in my life that did me wrong and then try to do the thing where they go, oh, I can't say anything around you. It's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's not that you can't. It's, it's that I understand what you're doing and you think everybody else around you is either stupid or doesn't see it or you're getting away with it. That's the worst. I see it. So it's like, you're not getting away with it. I'm just having like, okay, Paul, Jesus. Yeah. Oh, well you got to watch what you say. He'll call you out. You know, he'll call you out.

He's so sensitive. That's all that fucking bullshit of like, no, no, no, no. That's them trying to worm you away. You look like a cat. I just had anxiety when you said that. When you just said that, I just felt when you just said, oh, he's sensitive. I just actually felt the because that's what they do. They'll say things like he's sensitive. You got to watch what you say around him. He takes things personal. And it's like, you're the asshole. You're the mother. You did it. You did it. And I don't so then that's when domestic violence happens happens i'm kidding it's it's exactly what happens don't want to here here's that's the part of the story that is never told my wife and i

here's what you do this is the guy's face right before domestic violence Here's what you do. This is a guy's face right before domestic violence. I wasn't a guy. I didn't fight. I'm kidding, ladies. Jesus Christ, relax. I would never in my life put my hands on my wife, but one time I grabbed her piggy bank that was ceramic,

and I turned it into powder. I just, it was, there was no going back. And I fuck it. I swear to God, it was like a it was like a ceramic giraffe. And I don't know, she had it and she used to collect them. And she said something. She was apologizing. And I was so hot. I tried leaving and she said, don't leave. And I just I took I had a baseball in my hand. Oh, and I was right hot. I tried leaving and she said, don't leave. And I just, I took a, I had a baseball in my hand and I, and I threw a strike Paul and I threw, I mean, it hit the strike zone perfectly. It was a little cup fastball.

I did Mariana Rivera buckled, right? And you came right in and hit the bank. But the best part about it was she was so wrong in it, she took the loss on the piggy bank. She goes, that's fair. You lost one bank out of the deal. Yeah, she knew. Listen, man, you got to give somebody credit when they apologize.

There's something to be said about apologies. That's all I'm looking for. And apologize on your own if you're wrong. But if I'm wrong too, then I'll be like, okay, then I'm sorry for this shit. But don't drag me into your mud hole, right? And then fucking sit there when it's time to be like, who caused this shit? Act like I was part of it too. It's like I was standing up here.

All I said was I was doing well on my diet and you know what bill this is why we watch sports because when when you could sit down and go off for three or four hours i sit down i watch my knicks for three hours feet up watching them play sitting there with my son or alone and i have that time it's anybody that says sports is for dummies you know i said something to somebody that i go dude this just like these people are watching these marvel movies i mean god bless them but like you're making fun of me for liking sports like it's the same thing i'm like no because sports is a real end result sports is a real thing happening you know spider-man's not jumping out of his building doing this and and that's not happening

that's not real i mean that's more like i would say marvel in dc is more that's in the world of mushrooms where it's sort of fancy hallucinating you know. I mean, you see a lot of shit in like a Marvel movie that it's like you're tripping. And sports is cocaine. Buildings. Yeah, buildings being knocked down and nobody's dying. I mean, there's a lot of fucking weird shit happening. Oh, a little eight ball in the corner pocket never hurt anybody.

I don't do that. Hey, I dabbled in my 20s dabble paul i lost a little cartilage there in no no no dude i was when it comes to drugs i was the scared kid even with a joint i had friends smoke down a whole joint i was the kid two puffs and then seeing how i felt you know any kind of drug like that. I never smoked weed till I was like fucking 37. Uh, dude, I had friends. And even then I was just like, ah, whatever. And I was more of a booze bag. I would smoke weed and sit

there like a zombie thinking of my life and just having straight fucking paranoia. I had friends that would smoke blunts before final exams and crush it guys would light and they would smoke a whole blunt dude i would take like two hits of it and i would fucking i believe in that i really think there's this there's like weed people like they they like line up with that drug the way i lined up with booze i was a boozer oh oh paul i'd slap a bottle around oh i love oh yeah i mean who doesn't like a nice cocktail i'm i mean dude is there anything better no anything i didn't have to say it is there anything better dude just looking at bourbon that's backlit is anything better than a bottle of bourbon backlit knowing that you're getting a drink off of that fucking thing with a big, fat fucking ice cube and nothing to do?

You're on the road. You don't have any morning radio. Gun to your head. That bottle gets opened up. You got the game on in the background, Paul? I mean, come on. It's so fucking – dude, I don't know the higher power, if it's a man or a woman, but either way, it's a cunt.

Okay? The fact that cookies make you fat, everything that's fun, like, it's like it put a governor on fun if you're having too much fun you fucking die or you're they gotta cut you out of your house you know like how come like just you know eating this fucking mush yeah but we weren't many days i lose weight but god forbid paul god for fucking bid i go out and do what the fuck dude there's something out here that I want to do right there's a place out in San Marino California okay there's a place Gus's barbecue across the street is an old school soda fountain

okay where you can get like root beer floats and all that shit, and then you head back, the triangle of death. You go back, and there's a cigar bar. Oh. I mean, that's it right there. You have some barbecue. You got all that salt in you, and you have a little fucking ice cream cone like you just finished your paper route,

and then you go across the street like a degenerate gambler, and you have yourself a stick. I mean, that's fucking it. Got a couple hundred on the game. If my wife ever leaves me, I'm getting an apartment above that fucking building. Oh, yeah. And I'm going to take myself out in eight years. That's what I'm doing.

Taking myself out eight years, eating barbecue, drinking root beer floats, and having a cigar. And my T-shirt's going to say, Divorced Doesn't Give a Fuck. And the Rose Bowl is right up the street. Divorced. Think I give a fuck. I'll get divorced again. The board was out of the game.

Out of the game. Retired. Retired. Divorced. See ya. Yeah. Some of these guys are like, I'm on my third one, man. Screwed up. Didn't know what I was doing on the first two. And I'm going, I'm kind of betting against you on number three. Dude, I had a guy, you want to laugh? I did a, I did a speakeasy comedy club in a cigar lounge. And the room looked like a room that Al Capone played cards in.

And it was expensive tickets for like 20 something people and a couple of guests. And it couldn't have been more fun. And there are poker tables and people sitting there watching comedy. And there's this one guy in a plaid shirt, kind of heavy set. Looked Italian. I go, what's your name? He goes, Joe. I go, of course it is. I go, I go, you look, I go, Joe, you look like you fucking live here. And he's just smiling. The owner's crying. I find out later they're best friends.

I go, Joe, let me ask you something. I go, divorced? He goes, yeah. I go, yeah. I go, listen, a cigar lounge, marriage is bad business for a cigar lounge. And this guy could give a fuck. Okay, the top three places where you're going to find divorced, happy guys. All right, I'll go first.

OTB? Cigar lounge? Oof, I don't know. Number three is tough because- I got three right off the top of my head. Go ahead, what do you got? uh membership at a golf club oh cigar bar uh steakhouse steakhouse steakhouse huh that the first two i got i the, the golf is huge. A regular. A regular at a steak.

I'm talking career waiter steakhouse. Oh, okay. Like, and he goes into the bar. They all know his first name. They know his drink. Okay. George is here. Got a pocket square, but he's not like a hipster. Got it.

Okay. Of that era. Oh, divorced. Yeah. Yeah. I would say horse tracker,b cigar lounge and i do like the golf the golf thing or any kind of men's club elks club any kind of thing like that where the guys just got an 11 elks club they have we should i should join that at 52 just to get some youth in

that place oh dude elks walk in there and there'd be two people arguing who was better george burns or george goble do you want to know who's the better george i'm gonna tell you something dude i actually guest host for john johnny carson this episode is brought to you by viore viore brings a brand new fresh perspective oh uhuh-worry. Oh. On performance apparel. Perfect if you are sick and tired of traditional workout gear. Everything designed to work out. I can remember I didn't want traditional workout gear. I always wanted comfort.

I always wanted comfort. Buh-worry. Whoa. Look at you. The mother comes out. out look at you you look like a gym rat um but doesn't look or feel like it so freaking comfortable we will want to you will want to wear it the way i saw it every once in a while everybody had to take a workout let's get through this sorry uh fun fact viore is a finnish word for mountain viore's performance loungewear apparel inspired i never did a fucking crunch before i'll do a fucking crunch it's the first crunch i did um inspires the expansive clarity you get from the top of a mountain. I actually love the Viore Sunday joggers. My wife actually goes, Paul, you're in those three days in a row.

That's the truth. Okay. I couldn't get out of these things. They're sleek. I love them. I also love the men's core shorts. They're so breathable and comfortable. My wife wears the woman's daily leggings, literally daily.

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Not only will you receive 20% off your first purchase, but enjoy free shipping on any U.S. orders over $75 and free returns. Go to vioreclothing.com slash better and discover the versatility of Viore clothing. Let me spell it one time. V-U-O-R-I. Whoa. Sorry. I had to do one more time. Just feels good. My fantasy is, I'm not even, this is not to be funny. I said this the other day. I can't wait to be in sweatpants, new balance in an old age home with like poker Thursday and eating jello. You know, God willing, I go before my wife, but when I, when I'm done and

I'm sitting in a home, the thought of, you know, my grandfather did that. My grandfather loved the hospital and my grandfather, my Italian grandfather, I never heard anybody love a hospital. And my father tried getting them out and he goes, what are you doing? What are you? I'm happy here. And my, because of the military, my Sicilian grandfather spoke Hebrew. So he would go down a floor to where all the Jewish guys were and he would sing in Hebrew. He would hang out with them, play cards and they fucking loved them. He would play cards and he would go up to his floor, stay,

and he was fucking happy. And he had his meal. He had his fucking jello. He went to bed when he went to bed. Amazing. And there's some peace to that in me. Thursday night poker in bed by 8, you know? Paul, you like a schedule.

When you get old, you know, you got some nurse fucking feeding you. What are you kidding me? Yeah. You know, your energy to see your grandkids, dude, I got one for you. You were talking about that guy in his third marriage, but first two, I messed up. Can you imagine being in your third marriage? And then that day, the day when you start to see the bottom of the iceberg for the third time and you've just been through it and you just just she just says something in the kitchen and you're like oh no yeah yeah he went down that road no you know yeah you know you were cut in half then you were cut in quarters. And now with this one, you're going to be down to eighths. Oh, it's got to be telling you, Paul, I'm telling you,

if you're somebody's third wife, you got to be on your P's and Q's because that guy is going to be after you is going to be an eighth of what he is. And that's when you start thinking the first 48 what he is. And that's when you start thinking the first 48 type shit. I don't know what happened. She said she was going to visit her sister and she never came back. You know what? That's actually a smart thing you said. Cause a lot of those forensic files, the guy is on his third or fourth. That's no, that's true, dude. No, the guys are just like, Oh, it was my third one. Things are good. And nobody ever talks about well what happened with the first two it's always like oh they were they were happy it was great and then you find out there were kids with other marriages and let's let's be honest if you're

on your third it's it's kind of you it's kind of you say i thought you were gonna say it's justifiable homicide uh no if you're on your third marriage you're an idiot you get married a third time you're an idiot unless you're a woman and you just keep winning the showcase showdown and every fucking i disagree in a living room set a fucking grandfather clock and a brand a new azuzu listen you could look at it the other way though, Bill. I disagree. What if the third one just blows your dick off and you're like, oh my God, this is what it is. This is what I've been waiting for. That's not what it is because every guy knows that once you get married, the sex life is out the fucking window.

She's on her best behavior. She's selling you. She's selling you. She's got the brochure out. She's showing you the resort. Crystal clear water. Immaculate huts. You're going to Tahiti, Paul. She comes out in the car lot.

You're looking at the good mileage on this thing you want to take it's a cream puff yeah and then then you fucking buy it you buy a seat isn't that bad uh it's over it's fucking over i don't know man i i i think can you take me through uh paul verzi watches the knicks now i know you just don't sit down with your son and watch the Knicks and that's it. There's this cuisine. There's this beverages. People need to know Paul Verzi knows how to live. Well, here's the thing.

You got to write a book, Paul. I won't go to my Greek worry. But you know that Greeks have this thing called, I got mine from my grandfather or my grandmother. They're called Greek worry beads. Greeks have a thing that they're called worry beads. Andrew Themlis, you know, right? Yeah, in Greek, they're called krumbaloi. Here, I have it right here in my office, here.

Yeah, you hang, you spin them around while you're drinking coffee. You just sit in the chair and spin them back around. These are called Greek worry beads where you could sit and you just hold them and you roll them. And these were actually my grandfather. I mean, so many vegetables. I thought you just took out some carrots. No, no, no. You cut them up in that weird way. They look like hash browns. These are Greek worry beads.

So I haven't grabbed them yet. But make no mistake, if the Knicks get to the big one, I'm going to be biting these things. No, I, I sit. I'm just thinking, you know, if you're married to a degenerate gambler and he's watching some random game and he's got those things in his hand, he's like, we're not making rent this month. When I watch the knicks i sit quietly same with the giants i am you would think is he a fan even because i'm so it's so internalized with me that like i don't get up but sometimes like i'll be it'll be funny i'll be sitting there calm and me and lucas and then i'll start to when they start going down court and we need a bucket real bad and then if there's a dunk

or a bucket i'll just be up like i'll i do that and then i just get cut and i just get calm again so it's like i i but but doing it that way hurts i realized something weak guys that cry and go nuts and they're in bars and they're doing it it's healthier than what i do because i take yeah they're letting it out they let it out they scream fuck you they'll start fighting and then they go home and it's gone where me i just take the l to heart i take it to heart you know so but the knicks are my ruins last night we have not beat the islanders yet this year we lost to them in overtime in the shootout you do get a point for some reason, even if you lose.

That's kind of weird to me. But I was sitting there watching it. And my wife had, you know, put my son down. He's down the hall sleeping. And you know the deal. She goes, okay, be quiet, you know. Your son's sleeping. It's like, yeah, okay.

And then you get a game on. You know, and it was the shootout. And Pasternak comes down, you know, just fucking just sits. He's just gliding down with, like, the puck. And he just sort of leans this way. And the guy comes off the post. He just flicks it. Flicks it right in for a goal.

And I just go, I go, Pasternak. I just go, woo! Like, scream. She comes running up. What are you doing? I told you to be quiet. Then you got to sit there like a little kid. Oh, Pasternak little kid oh pastor just scored

he just scored this guy doing the overtime said the dumbest shit he literally goes the first islander scores he goes see he came with the speed when you come in real fast you know the the goaltender doesn't have time to set up that's his fucking theory as he sits up there in his fucking jacket does he talk like that does he talk like up. That's his fucking theory. As he sits up there in his fucking jacket. Does he talk like that? Does he talk like a fucking... That's how he sounded to me. They don't have time to set up.

So then, like, Plastonov comes down, slow as shit. He comes out from the side. So he's coming in from, like, that would be the goaltender's left side. He comes in from the left side. And then he's just coming into this angle where the goaltender's left side. He comes in from the left side, and then he's just coming into this angle where the goaltender's like, I have to protect the post. What if all of a sudden he starts drifting across?

I got to come like that. So he makes it look like he's now going to curl in. So he starts to curl in, but he's still dragging the puck. And right as the goaltender just moved a little bit, he just flicked his wrist and it was in the back of the net, right? So then the next Islander comes down

and he goes slow and he doesn't score. And he goes, see, that's what I told you. He went too slow. He gave him time to set up. It's like, you just saw Pasternak.

You just saw him do what the fuck this guy just tried to do. You just saw it work. He's like, so like, I can't stand fucking people who,

when they have like, like they came up with their theory. Yeah. Because I got the theories, but, you know. If I literally see it not fucking work, I'll be like, all right, shows you what I know. And this guy stayed with it. You see what I said? He came in too slow.

So if you come in super fast, I don't know. Sorry. You don't watch hockey. Nobody gives a shit. I mean, you know what? I'm going to have some more. Look at this, Paul. Look what the fuck I'm eating here. Look at this. Look at this know. Yeah. Sorry. You don't watch hockey. Nobody gives a shit. I mean, you know what? I'm going to have some more. Look at this, Paul. Look what the fuck I'm eating here. Look at this. Look at this shit. What is that? This is a key to a flat stomach, a clear head. But I'm telling you, I got to like, I got to get some more recipes. Dude, I'm six weeks. I'm six weeks, no sugar. And it's changed and I don't even crave it anymore,

man. It's like, it's, it's going really, really good. And, um, yeah, I'm just going to keep it up, man. Knock down the, uh, you know, carbohydrates and stay away from the sugar, dude. I was eating gummy bears by the handful daily. I I'm 10 days in not doing this shit, and I went online and I ordered some malt so I could make a chocolate malt. I'm going the other way, Paul. I'm missing her. You just – Fuck that bitch. I'm moving on.

I'm fucking like – Well, maybe she still has feelings for me. As much as you like the Bruins and I like the Knicks – I love the Celtics too. There's nobody that we know who gives a shit about their team more than our friend Joe Bartnick. And here's, for you people that don't know, hilarious comic. Joe Bartnick is such a Pittsburgh Penguins fan. This is a true story.

We performed in Atlanta and then we went out. They go, you got to go to Johnny's Hideaway. It's a legendary place. You got to go to johnny's hideaway it's a legendary place you got to go to johnny's hideaway and it's 70s night so they're going to be pumping fucking you know saturday night fever shit you got to go we go to this club it's like typical it's like old school smoky the dance floor is fucking packed. Saturday Night Fever people. I was getting so into it. I wanted to dance.

I'm like, this is amazing. I'm drinking. And Bartnick is going, I can't do anything. The big ones are in the playoffs. This kid sat at the table. I shit you not. Sat at the table with, I mean, if a director, this is going to be a comedy with a party around you, there's people dancing, getting drink. Joe G was there buying drinks and Bartnick is at the

table in the middle of the club with his phone like this. And he's going and he's just, and he's watching the playoff game. And he sat there the whole night watching the penguins with the loudest music around him could give a fuck if he was on mars he was watching that game and i was like nobody likes their team like you're talking about a guy who's he's such a fan his wife tolerates that he has framed pittsburgh penguin paraphernalia right in his living room you walk into his house and it's like right there you feel like you walked into like a sporting goods store in his lip like next to his wedding picture like no no pictures of the

family it's just mario lemieux yager and then he's got he's got malkin, Crosby. I mean, I give a fuck, but not on that level. Oh, yeah. He gives a fuck. I mean, he cares. I've never seen him. Yeah, he knows the game of hockey like nobody I've ever seen, man. So, hey, dude, you're going to get your daughter into hockey. Yeah. Yeah, that's really cool, man. So, hey, dude, you're going to get your daughter into hockey. Yeah. Yeah, that's really cool, man. I think that's such a huge thing for kids growing up to play organized sports.

And you take wins and losses together as a team, and then you have your individual performance, and you get to figure out how your mind works, how not to get psyched out by somebody else, you're dealing with pressure, there's people watching, it's such a, like, what they've, you know, said about sports and stuff, and like, really, you know, all of these, you know, all these fucking nerds and shit, like, the way that they, it's so funny how they, they've never played them. They totally judge them in this negative way. You know, I mean, all it takes is a couple of football players to hang you from your underwear from a locker. And

then all of a sudden you're just writing off an entire sport that everybody is an asshole in it. But I don't know. I think you, you you like i'm really big on like your kids should play organized sports and have a little bit of martial arts so they know how to handle themselves so they don't they you really don't have to deal with that those bad feelings of like feeling weak or not being included or getting bullied you know yeah it's uh i to be honest with that stuff, I think. Yeah, no, I agree. And I think that, you know, having a daughter, man, like, you know, my first I was opposite of you. My first was a boy. And then when Stacey was pregnant again, I'm like, oh, well, if we have another boy, he's going to have a brother like I had a brother. And all of a sudden, this little girl who's strong

and like fucking independent you know my little girl will go in her room for three hours and you're because she all right and she's happy as a fuck she just she just has that and she wants to play hockey and i'm like holding her hand skating and i'm just thinking like she's more me so like my daughter is more me and my son is more my wife. And I'm just thinking to myself, like, I kind of know what her insecurities are, what her heart is, if that makes sense. But she floors me, dude. My daughter floors me like to the point where I just watch her. And today she's like, no, I want you to do that because that's safer. You can't get hurt. And like, she's like eight years old, like nurturing me. And I'm like, I will fucking like the protection that i'm giving my whole family

like it's just this nutty nutty thing man like there listen my son is just my son is like you know great at everything he does he's he's got sweet and my daughter is this fireball and i see more of me and her right and it just blows me away where i'll just catch myself looking at her going like dude that's my whole like like but my kids are both my whole fuck i know this is corny and me and her. And it just blows me away where I'll just catch myself looking at her going like, dude, that's my whole, like, like, but my kids are both my whole fuck. I know this is corny and we're doing a fucking podcast, but you know, I just got emotional. No, but seriously, it's, uh, like watching, watching her on the ice, the same way I watch Lucas shoot a hoop and go in, or when he goes to the plate and he gets a hit and now watching her on the ice want to do it i'm just like dude it is it is special man yeah no it's uh it's gonna be fun that's why

i'm trying to fucking clean up my act here because i started so late i gotta make sure i i get him airborne yeah but you can't checks out yeah but dude you can't look at it like that you can't look at it like you started late because you there guys that fucking never do it. And then they're fucking staring at a glass of red wine at 68. And I've seen that after a show. I've seen a motherfucker stare. I actually saw a guy staring at a glass of red wine going, I almost married her. I mean, that was one of that was fucking you don't want that shit. So, you mean could you imagine that fucking you know living in a fucking one bedroom or a studio 70 years old shaking your head at what you should have done fuck that i've lived both those lives yeah but you got i'm the guy who didn't do it and then

the guy who finally and finally did it i've been there i've been staring at a glass you shook your head at the glass of wine but then you gave it back to the bartender and figured it out. Yeah. I shook my head saying, bring it here. And I was just like, you know what? You know what? Take this back. I got to go.

I'm out of here. No. I would be, yeah. If I wasn't married and I had kids, I would definitely be on some sort of fast track to checking out. Because I would just be like, all right. sort of fast track to checking out because i would just be like all right so if i'm not going to have any of that in my life then i am i'm going to fucking live like jackie gleason and i will be out of here by 61 yeah and that guy lived to 71 and was having like 14 bourbons at lunch like fucking two steaks and he the doctor goes dude you can't keep eating steak and drinking whiskey

like that and smoking and he goes this is how i'm living and he goes and when it's done it's done and he lived to 71 i mean that kid good andre the giant was like that someday i'm gonna hit that bump in the road and when i do that's gonna be it there's something to be said about living like that and You hurt everybody around you. Why are you doing this to yourself? Sitting there with a cigarette. Could it be fun? Do I fucking tell you not to eat that yogurt?

What's sad about the Andre the Giant was that was literally like being in another world for him. He literally, his fantasy, he had a friend who was like 5'7", 5'8", and he said, I fantasize and dream about being your size. Like that guy lived in a world where he was the only person in that world being looked at, made fun of, and it's a world that we can't even understand. So fucking sad. Can you imagine that?

He was on the phone with him, this giant phone that's in his hand like this. I dream about being your size. The other guy's sitting there with a big phone. Well, Andre, you know, I mean, it's not so cracked up to be, you get picked last in gym class. I have to buy three plane seats just to get on a Southwest flight. Well, I guess I never really thought of that. Why is every person big?

Talk like, and every person little. No, if you have like, but if you have giantism, there's something about you just continuing to grow. It's a real sad thing that I, you know, I'm sure there's a couple of giants watching right now. I'm going to get a giant email from them the keyboard the fucking letters bigger the font is bigger yeah the fingers like my fist like this yo andre the giant said on days he wasn't drinking they go rick flair goes rick rick flair goes i saw that man drink 106 beers.

And then they said days he wasn't drinking, he'd have six bottles of red playing cards and just like a 24 pack. They go like a 24 pack for him would be like me and you having two beers and calling it a night. Like it's. Wow. Yeah. Like, and his body didn't. Yeah. Dude, that guy, that guy, Gleason,

somebody told me Gleason had one time like a dozen whiskeys at a steak dinner and just had like two steaks and just would smoke and just was fucking, couldn't be happier. I mean, you know what's funny too is when you have like giantism, like nobody does anything to make you feel less of a freak. It's like you get acting work and, oh, what am I playing?

Am I playing a plumber? No, you're playing Bigfoot. You're the abominable snowman. It's like, am I playing the plumber? Can i just be a giant accountant oh my they sharpen a javelin so you can fucking work out the numbers anyway anyway sometimes i wish i could just have a pack you know what i'm doing i just realized anthony kumia used to do the giantism voice way back in the day and opening anthony yo dude i can't breathe man i was doing andre then i realized halfway it it's like, no, am I doing Anthony doing Andre?

Oh, my God, dude. Yeah, that'd be funny if he was just like the lawyer in a movie. He had like that. It's kind of, brother. It's like way in the back of the throat. No. I watched that Biggie Smalls documentary. Yeah.

And I got to tell you, man man like the parallels between him and Patrice are like ridiculous because I was sitting there going like am I just being an idiot because they're both big black guys and my wife's going like no I'm I was just thinking about Patrice too it was the same thing and there's this classic clip of Biggie before he's famous battling some other kid you know rapping yeah uh it was amazing was he was already as great as he was gonna be like he just was just great it was the first it was an unfamous Biggie Smalls yeah fucking one of the oldest bootleg looking fucking microphones look like a hood ornament and he's just killing this guy. And I remember I said,

I saw Patrice have that moment. He got into it with some transvestite, cross-dresser, whatever the fuck you call him now, walking down the street. And he teased her and she came back and she had jokes. And they went at out. And dude,'m telling you there was like fucking there was like 12 of the best comedians that i know

standing there and we all became the audience members like those people in the background watching biggie rapping and he started to go back and forth and then saw that she had a lot of street jokes. You know, you got so many spaces between your teeth, looks like your tongue's in jail. And that was all new to us. But he's just like, you got the old corny ones. So what he did was he did the rope-a-dope. Was he'd throw in one and let her burn three.

And then he'd throw another one in, let her do another four. And then she started running out. And then he just bang, bang, bang, she's fucking awesome but they both had a great time like that's all she wanted to battle like her face lit up like let's fucking do this it was back when the village was the village before but new york was new york when there's all of a sudden like that comes walking down the street and meets this that you're sitting next to and you see these two fucking worlds collide and on some level they're both respecting each other it was amazing it was i remember jeff ross saying that was the most that was one of the most incredible things it was just so it was like comedy in like

its purest form where we're like biggie when he was rapping um like that was just literally like not doing it for money not trying to get famous this is just this was you know it just happened somebody filmed it it's like I'm gonna go down the street for no fucking money just because you're down there and somebody says you're better than me and I'm gonna try to beat you and Patrice was telling jokes it's just she just like, I think I'm funnier than you. It went. And what happened in that, like, whatever, 10 minutes of that bullshit was better than anything that happened down the steps at the cellar for like a fucking week, man.

It was unreal. It was unreal. And the crazy thing about that Biggie battling in Brooklyn thing is that his boy brought him down there saying, dude, my dude Chris is coming here and I'm going to bring Christopher. And he goes, and the first guy crushed and everybody was going nuts. And then he waited for it.

And then he went second and did it. But he had that, you know what? He even said it like he didn't have the looks, but he had everything else. He was smarter than everybody. He was more charismatic than everybody. He was more charming. The whole more charismatic than everybody he was more charm every the whole thing man he was more mature too like when i when i watched that whole thing

back and forth with him and like tupac or whatever it's just like he was the like the adult in that thing and he was dealing with like almost like an adolescent energy like there was really no way to squash it i just feel like you know i'm sort of like i'm a little biased because i i'm a biggie fan but i just felt like they were trying to be like tone it down where the other side just kept like like you just watch interviews and it just like i don't know i just it was like i don't it's that's one of those totally unnecessary things that just took out two amazing amazing amazing like i always wanted like what the fuck would they be talking about now the same way i look at like patrice when i think of those two guys that that got that out of fucking control um but i feel like i feel like a guy like biggie was was i know this gonna sound in some weird way gonna sound weird but i feel like a guy like biggie wasn't meant to be here in a

weird way when you look at i texted my brother after watching that that was the oldest 24 year old i've ever seen in my life oh absolutely when he talked and he walked and the things that he said it was like a 40 year old man talking when he was 21 my wife ago he looks and he walked and the things that he said, it was like a 40 year old man talking when he was 21. My wife, he looks like he's 60. He, and he had wisdom of, he almost like in like the window that he grew up from having no money to becoming a rich guy. And all of those four years of like, or I should say 19 to 24, he like grew in dog years. And he just was, he was like, almost like. I think that's also because you don't have a father figure and you have to become the man of the house. So then like, like his relationship with his mother was really fascinating

where he was his son. He was her son. And at the same time, they were also, he was her son. And at the same time, they were also, he was the man of the house. So I think that that's the stress of that. Do you hear him sing R&B? It was ridiculous. Yeah, I didn't know he could sing too. He was joking and he sings R&B. And I was like, that's like the greatest voice. And they were like, was good it was good with instruments that you could give him an instrument his uncle in Jamaica was gone he knew he was just another that guy was just I don't I don't buy I don't buy that you know he wasn't meant to be here I just think that that was a really unfortunate set of circumstances

you know there was a little bit too of like like they had some of the djs from that time going like talking about how out of control it got it's like well you guys didn't do anything to try and squash it because it was great ratings so you guys were kind of like piling on that that whole uh beast that whole thing man it's us but i highly recommend Beast thing. The whole thing, man. It's fucking nuts, but I highly recommend checking that out. Did you watch that movie I told you about, that Love Liza, the Philip Seymour Hoffman one?

It's a buddy of mine. My daughter's school told me to watch. Oh, no, I didn't see it yet. Oh, you got to see that, dude. I watch movies every night, so I'll probably watch it soon. Check that one out. Dude, YouTube Prime or whatever they call it, 100% worth the money. 100%.

You mean Amazon Prime? Whatever. YouTube Premium, whatever the fuck they call it. It's on YouTube, and you pay so you give them some money so that you don't have to watch commercials. Fucking game changer. Yeah. Fucking game changer.

Yeah. I love watching. Dude, I watched that Unhinged. I watched that Unhinged movie with Russell Crowe, man. I love Russell Crowe. Dude, if it was anybody but him, it would have been a, it's about this guy in LA that he just, he already had lost it and snapped.

And then he has a road rage incident. I'm in. Soccer mom. had lost it and snapped. And then he has a road rage incident. I miss soccer mom. And he fucking takes it to a place that you're just going to be like, yeah.

I mean, remember you said I don't cut the head off a snake. I set it on fire. Watch unhinged. Watch on hands. And Russell Crowe is a bad, I mean, can we be honest for a second? Is gladiator not top five all time?

I mean, gladiator is nuts for me. Patrice loved that movie. Everybody loved that movie. Dude, I liked him as the insider. I love Gladiator, but I think he's even better in those other movies. The insider, the one about the Philip Morris, the smoking and all of that. Dude, if you didn't tear up at the end of Gladiator when they go,

he was a soldier of Rome, and then he sees his dead wife and son, and he starts walking towards them, and they're playing that music. If you didn't tear up, the kid was roaming. Roaming. I mean, what are we talking? Fucking Roman Empire. Yeah. I enjoyed that movie, but I've liked the other guys, man.

The nice guys. Sorry, the nice guys. Oh, the nice guys. Have you seen that yet? No. Dude, him and Ryan Gosling, everybody in that movie. What's your favorite sport? What's your favorite sports movie, Bill? All time. Oh, dude. I mean, I, I mean, I like everything from Slapshot, The Natural, Youngblood. I never saw Youngblood.

Youngblood was Rob Lowe coming up and playing hockey. I just loved it when the guy was teaching him how to fight because I just fucking loved hockey. I mean, I haven't seen that movie since it came out. Rudy's a good one. Did not like Rudy. Didn't like Rudy. He just was too fucking little and then when they showed in the end they made a big mistake i thought in that movie where they showed

the real guy he looked like animal from the muppet show it's like i can see that guy making it fucking had a scraggly beard and wild hair he looked like a mini lyle alzato i'm like yeah that fucking guy i can see him being a wedge breaker. Yeah, the actor was like skinny and the actor looked like me with hair. He looked like a tutor. Like, dude, I'm flunking math. And he comes over and he helps you out with fucking algebra. Nothing about him. I liked Seabiscuit.

You ever see Seabiscuit with Bridges, Jeff Bridges? Dude, I remember you watched that movie and you were like, Seabiscuit was amazing. You go, what an athlete. And it's one of the funniest things you ever said, that a horse is a fucking athlete. It's like, it's running because it doesn't want to get beaten. Do you remember that in like 2003 or something,

Sports Illustrated put out the list of the top 100 athletes? Secretary. Secretary was like 51 and people just started listing everybody after the horse going, 2003 or something, Sports Illustrated put out the list of the top 100 athletes. Secretariat. Secretariat was like 51. People just started listing everybody after the horse going, you're telling me that the horse is better than this? You're telling me the horse is better than this?

It's just like. Yeah. It's like above humans. A horse that you're riding is not an athlete. It's broken. You break a horse. Its spirit. If I ever owned a horse i would never ride it i want it to be happy i want it to come over it's that guy that gives me hey we could hang out you know i show him some fucking instagram videos his big stupid head hanging over my shoulder check this thing out i'm not getting

on your back until you quit i remember worse have somebody else do it i said long head and then i got andre the giant oh that's really funny hanging over there how about him and a princess bride they put him on the back of a horse and princess bride he was on a fucking horse what clydesdale i don't know what it was is a fucking right rhinoceros. If you gave that guy a chariot, you'd have to hollow out the Budweiser stagecoach and just leave the front of it.

All right, mush. They should have remade Ben-Hur with Andre the Giant. That would have been fucking amazing. He comes out in a giant fucking, what do you call those things? Paul, you're Italian. Those little two-wheel things behind the, what do you call that Rick shot a what come on no family feud with the three dumb family members what do you yeah but that's the opposite what do you call in Ben Hur they got you got the team of horses oh the um the uh the the hoof the hoof the thing that they stand on with the two wheels the yeah

yeah um no they the uh harness harness not a harness that's what holds the horse what harness racing harness racing yeah that's what i'm not talking off-track betting paul i'm talking about back in trojan times. Oh, oh, oh. Hey, it's called the European step. By the way, what the fuck is that in hoop? The carriage. No, it's a chariot. A chariot is a vehicle used in ancient warfare and racing.

Yeah. No, but here. Dude, I'll tell you right now. If we were in ancient warfare, there's no fucking way I'm on a chariot. No, I'm a horse. How tough are those guys? You're holding a team of horses with one hand, and then what, what do you got, one of those fucking metal ball things in your hands? The spikes?

You know what I always think about? I always think when I watch a war movie, right? Like even Saving Private Ryan, when they're laying up there on the sandbags, and they're talking and they got the dip in their lip and they're like, hey, Sarge. And I always watch all of those. And I always think which one of my friends would be which guy, right? I'm telling you right now, one of my fantasies is I want to be in a war movie, but you know, you got the one friend who's like lives for it. There's black under his eye, like just killing fuck, you know? Then you got the one guy whose helmet is always loose and he just doesn't want to be there right his helmet is always you know

he's like lost and they're like how would you be who would you be in a war movie i think when i watched save a private ryan the kid from new york that was kind of like he was just kind of quiet but he kind of had this like hey go fuck yourself i know what i'm doing i think i would be that guy oh the guy when the guy's got the knife oh no that was brood dude when i said that's one of those brutal death scenes i've ever seen that that was really that fucked me up that that other actor dude that other actor did such a great job because i fucking hated that motherfucker and when that little pussy wouldn't fucking shoot him. This is the thing, dude.

My, honestly, dude. My shit is, if I was in a war, I would be that guy with the fucking helmet and be all fucking nervous like that guy you fucking. I would be that guy until my first kill. be that guy until my first kill. And once I got past that and be like, all right, I mean, I guess I'm going to hell. I just broke number five. Or you know what I think I'm going to fucking hell. And at that point I'm there killing people, not to,

I'm killing people so I don't, I don't go to hell sooner than I want to. I, but see, knowing you the way I know you, I think you'd be that helmet guy all freaked out until one of your close boys got killed. And then I think you'd turn a switch on where you go, fuck this. Let's kill every one of these fucking Germans or whatever. You know, I do a village. Like I picture like Bartnick would be down for anything like yeah bartnick would be the

guy with the double bullet things with the fucking m60 and the cigar how you doing bartnick you got trench foot you all right i feel great just a cigar let's go kill him. Let's kill. Yeah. I would, I, I, yeah, I think I would be like the quiet, like try to, is that so fucking funny, dude.

I know one of our friends would be a deserter, but I ain't going to bring up his name. Fucking thing would start. You see him running the other way. No, he goes, he's going. No,

he goes on the other side. No, I wouldn't do that. He's not that bad. Listen, man, I, you know, he would be the other side. No, I wouldn't do that. He's not that bad. Listen, man. He would be smart enough to run. Let's just say half of my friends I would be in a foxhole with. I got a couple friends I'd be in a foxhole with.

They'd be like, we're dead. We're dead. You wouldn't foxhole with me, Paul. You just got to get me to kill that first person. Then I'm just like, all right, it's over. I've killed a person. I am no longer alive but i am alive and i don't want to see what the judgment is of this so i mean i mean if i'm going to get convicted let's let's let's you know you don't want to get you don't want to go to jail for a you know little ounce of weed you might as well be a kingpin

all right i got one for you i got one for you ready me and you are in a foxhole our platoon is gone four to six germans are walking towards where we're at there's a bump there's probably a 70 chance that they're gonna find us in the foxhole it's just me and you and they're about a hundred yards away okay what do we do here's what i would say we do i would go because they're coming our way they're coming our way there's seven of them and there's two of us yeah and we're like depleted our platoon is gone but killing them is going to make so much noise that everybody's going to know where we're at like yeah like and we're running low on everything so like our best suggestion is to try to hide but what do we do well i would definitely try to hide first but if we're gonna shoot them i'm saving one bullet to myself i'm not gonna have those fucking crazy germans i'm gonna be a pow in a german camp i'm

not doing that having what if we guys sew in my head together with your head to try to make it look like an ass whatever the fuck those weirdos doing then i got it here's what we're doing crowd's rubbing your head once look it's now it's one head whatever the they were doing i would try to make a two-head lamb shade i would try talking our way out of it what if we talked our way out of it no no i can tell you right now if they were fucking japanese you you do not want to get taken prisoner by those guys we would just shoot each other at the same time on three yeah i i yeah i know i would i would try to take them out and then i would take myself up there's no fucking you didn't want to be a Japanese prisoner of war.

I would just try to, I guess we would just get out as many bullets as we can and then just shoot and then try running. That's all you can do. Why can't we just stay quiet, Paul? Wait till the sun goes down and try to crawl in our fucking forearms back to some friends. Cause here's the thing.

We have a hundred yards to play with here. So if we get caught, we're dead. Yeah. But you said they're walking by. There are a hundred yards away, walking towards us. There's a chance we could run.

We do. We get, I'm not running, dude. They had liquid, cool fucking machine guns. So we just stay quiet and fucking me. And you would be like,

I'm sorry. No, I think at that point you've already killed people. don't think you fucking cry you're just like all right so this is how it ends so what i would do is uh yeah i i if you could kill all of them kill all of them and then when the other germans started coming you just grab your pistol and you run in i'm like knowing that they're gonna kill you you want to be dead that's it take a few of them so they don't kill any more of your friends and then you want to be dead but you do not want to be caught but a lot didn't a lot of pow look dude john mccain got away some guys you know what happened to john mccain first of all john mccain level tough is not in me the worst thing that happened to john mccain was he became a politician and then fucking people like stupid ass donald trump could just disrespect that

guy remember the time he said well you know i I'm fans of guys who don't get caught. I mean, you know what Donald Trump was? He really was a real housewife. Like the level of the way he went at people, how mean he was in like a catty meow kind of fucking way. Like, how could you say that? Dude, John McCain had balls on a level. John McCain was a man on a level that I would say less than 5% of men are. Dude, he survived being

tortured. Can you imagine that? Just hearing those fucking people coming down the goddamn hallway, knowing that they're going to try to inflict some ungodly pain on you. And at that point, just out of boredom, he fucking survived that. Yeah, I don't have that. I mean, you think it was that bad, though? Or do you think it was more of a repetitive shit? Or do you think it was... Did he ever talk about it in his book of what they actually did to him?

Yeah, didn't they like... I have this thing about like getting tortured and shit uh there's a few things that just really like i can't read it i just can't even comprehend that human beings could do that to other human beings um there was one thing that they did where they do this thing where they they tie you up by your fucking arms this way like and you just your body weight eventually your arms go up and you separate both your shoulders and then you're hanging from that. Dude, that is, that's the entree in before we're going to get to the second course and then the main course. Like, that's just them beginning.

And then that's just that day. I love how I said, is it, was it that bad? It's like, of course it was bad. You know, like the little door stops to stop the door? They put those under your fucking fingernails and just ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. As you're like, I mean, yeah, it's insane. It's fucking, I don't even want to like. How did he get away?

How did he get? I stopped watching Narcos because they did the fucking, the season where that DEA agent got caught. Oh, yeah. And they tortured him. Dude, he was passing out from the pain and they were shooting him with adrenaline to wake him up so they could hurt him some more. That was.

You're talking like a level of evil that is in people that that that circumstances bring out man it's like fucking it's it really like dude i i whenever i read shit like that man i said so i don't believe that there's a higher power that loves me or cares about me that that the way human being that the capabilities of human beings, or if he makes like a broken one, doesn't leave them in the oven long enough. And they come out and they're like a total fucking sociopath. See anything better podcasts or comedy podcast,

anything better podcasts. You know, we're talking about being dads, is there a diet bringing out all the happiness? Is there anything worse than being tortured as a POW? I know. This ending is anything worse. Oh my God, dude. I would, yeah, dude. Listen, man, I'm not built. I'm with you. I'm not built for military, dude. Paul, you like amenities. You like amenities. A man who likes amenities is not going to survive

torture. I said on stage once, I go, dude, I'll do like a night unit. Like if I could check in at six and just like. Sometimes I actually think about being in a situation like that. And then I think about Hilary Swank's character in Million Dollar Baby when she was paralyzed and she just bit her tongue off. So she bleed out. And I was like, could I do that? I kind of put my tongue there. I went, ow.

So then you lay in there. You don't have the McCain in you. You can survive torture. But you're too much of a fucking pussy to fucking bite your tongue off. I mean, just the level of failure. You want to laugh? I was doing a show. I had to do a show in south carolina myrtle beach

30 minutes after walking out of million dollar baby by myself i walked out of that theater by myself questioning life on and i'm like i gotta go make people laugh right now that movie was it just it got depressing and depressing and then and then remember her mom her relationship with her mom was awful and then she's in the hospital and then that was awful i still love the movie i still love hillary swank and i i'd like to see uh whatever she's doing now there's just so many like platforms dude there was a there's a an actor out there i was a huge fan of and i just haven't seen him and uh what the fuck's his name his last name's pit and it's not brad let me see images images images this is all gonna be

oh michael pitt i think this is the guy i don't know if it's him now i don't know but this guy was just like always had really fucking interesting characters, really fucking interesting choices and really like offbeat movies. And I just think I've just been so busy as a dad. You know, I'm watching like fucking, you know, Toy Story and all of that shit. Yeah. We watched the new SpongeBob last night as a family. Me and Sophia were ice skating today. I go, what do you think of that SpongeBob thing? go it was all right and she just goes I loved it yeah

she goes I just loved it and I'm like yeah all right like he's okay you know happy girl whatever you know she doesn't care she's watching an animated movie with her dad and mom I know it's the best. I got my daughter ice cream because, you know, she learned how to ride a bike. I go, what do you want? And she said, she goes, the one that's like vanilla bean. That's how she says she wants vanilla beans. So I go, okay.

And then she's like, no, chocolate. I go, you like chocolate now? She goes, yeah, chocolate. So, of course, I go and i buy both pints and then i was i was no this is the worst because i was gonna make like a little sundae for and uh my wife was kind of handling getting her to bed and i was watching the stupid bruins overtime and then all of a sudden she goes okay go in there you got to read the story i always read her two books and then I tell her three stories. You know, the big bad wolf, Goldilocks, and then the nice wolf who just has a head cold and the pigs try to help him out. She likes a happy ending, right?

That's a different angle. Yeah. But I miss the ice cream part. I've missed so little and I miss, and it really fucking bothered me. So I got a minute, and I was sitting there going like, dude, you got the NHL pack. You got the, you know, I subscribed and watched it online. I could have just hit pause. But I was just like, I knew she was getting her ready for bed,

and I forgot about the ice cream, and I was being a selfish asshole because I wanted to see the end of this game because we hadn't beaten the Islanders. But I still went in and read the couple of books. But I missed her. You know, I wanted to make the Sunday and tell her how proud I was. I can't wait to meet your son. I can't wait to meet your son. Like, oh, they got an Uncle Paulie from New York. I mean, there's something to be said about that.

And Uncle Paulie likes amenities. The way to meet my son is friggin like he's just He loves connecting with people and I saw and I heard this thing my wife listens to What's that public radio station the liberal one there And NPR NPR right She was listening to that and I got in there and they were talking about the new study showing that kids that aren't loved or shown affection develop slower than kids that are and it made me feel great like all right my kids are going to be smacked give me smile

i mean i couldn't imagine that not being the case. Your daughter, one of my favorite things when your daughter, when I went to your house and I got your, I gave your daughter that yellow pony or something and she was looking for it. And you go, Paul, stay here. And I go, I go, Lola, where's your, where's the, where's the thing? And she's looking for it. And then I go, oh, I was like, maybe it's upstairs. Cause you couldn't find it.

And she goes, no, it's not you silly goose. I was like, that is the best, most innocent. Speaking of dads in sports, you see Eli Manning on Twitter as a dad with his sons, but then his daughter and he just goes, my thoughts exactly. And he's got a picture. He takes a video of his daughter. His daughter's got goggles on, He's got a picture. He takes a video of his daughter. His daughter's got goggles on, a plastic baseball on the stand, and she's got a plastic bat.

And she lines up, and she just looks at Eli, and she goes, let's get this party started. And he just goes, my thoughts exactly. And I was like, I fucking love Eli, man. He was such a stealth beast because he didn't talk shit. He just had that sort of slow demeanor walking around like, you know, and yeah. And then the big the big of the moment, the better that guy played. Hey, nobody knows that better than a fucking Patriots fan, man. He fucking broke our hearts twice, twice, him and Tom Coughlin. The Giants get rid of Tom Coughlin Paul we're taking callers well I love I love the New York callers who make no sense it's my favorite thing because they're

like Mike I'm gonna tell you something this Jeter kid I don't know if he's ever getting out of the slump and they would just go this is the dumbest thing I've ever listening to them hang up but the nice thing I loved about the New York sports radio guys, they did the documentary on Mike and the mad dog. They wouldn't put up with it. They would go, you're an idiot. That's the dumbest thing I've ever, you know, because some guy would just call up. They need to bench Mariano. Oh, you're a, just like next. Yeah. Next dummy.

Where is Deshaun Watson going, Bill? bill he's out that's a fact so what is happening in houston jj watts just left they said jj watts text to kyler murray i'm joining this team because i believe in you and then d and then deandre hopkins goes let's finish what we started and they're all together arizona that was so much fun to watch last year i cannot i can't fucking wait for DeAndre Hopkins goes, let's finish what we started. And they're all together. Arizona Cardinals. That team was so much fun to watch last year. I can't fucking wait for football, Paul. And it's only March. They said that the Houston Texans right now, it's like a fucking dumpster fire.

What happened? It's like a clearance sale. It's like 80% off. Everything's gone. I don't know. Oh, wow. Yeah. Coaches are being fired. Like, it's just one of those things where you're going to need a whole new rebuild.

But I got to tell you. Where's Deshaun Watson going? Well, Paul, what you have to ask yourself is who needs a quarterback? They're saying Jets, Dolphins. What's the other team? That hurt me twice. Chicago Bears? Oh, fuck. Send them to the. Chicago Bears? Oh, fuck.

Send them to the Bears, man. Oh, wait, they got Mitch Trubisky? No, no. That ship has sailed. Did it? Yeah. The Mitch Trubisky ship. Does anybody not get a fair shake?

Is there anything worse than being a quarterback and being drafted by the Chicago Bears? It's just not going to end well. Being a quarterback on the Chicago Bears, it really is like the Bears are like the Giants. When's the last time the Giants have never had a, other than Eli, who never was that. Nobody ever looked at Eli as Giants never had a.

Frank Gifford right you had oh wait you had you had a YA Tittle right but those guys are suitable above average big you know Eli big game player but you guys went to three NFL championship games in a row and lost all three maybe four you lost like five and six years I think that's what it is. It's fucking crazy with why a title. Oh yeah. That was, was that 50, 60, 50s, late fifties and early sixties. Something crazy like that. Yeah. You did win it in, uh, was it 56? Something like that. I used to know that shit. Yeah. I think that the, uh, I think that the uh i think the jets i think the jets have to get them i'm not a jet fan lord knows that but i think the jets have to get them because

they haven't they have pieces that they can do it with so but uh deshaun watson's not going to be on the text what about the patriots what are we doing with cam newton is he staying i don't think so it was a two-year deal but they haven't announced what they don't nobody said what they're gonna do next year there's there there's i'm hearing rumblings that they're like i don't know he's done i don't know if he's done but something's up with him he's not just something since the shoulder he's not the same the sean watson on the Patriots is definitely intriguing. That kid's an animal.

No, he's amazing. On the right team, that kid's amazing. And I heard Russell Wilson wants out. Russell Wilson is not a fan of Pete. It wants to play for New York, but he's not a fan of Pete Carroll. And Pete Carroll's like, he's basically saying that they get away with anything they want. CBS Boston reported two days ago that Jimmy Garoppolo was a, was a plan a for Patriots at quarterback. I don't know how much you want to bring in Jimmy G back.

NFL is so fucking great. It's March and all of this stuff is exciting how great's an italian quarterback can we just talk about that for a second montana super long we're doing like a two-hour podcast here yeah yeah we could well we'll wrap this we'll put a bow on this puppy we'll put a bow on it hey uh your favorite italian uh quarterback of all time. I'm trying to think of one. I mean, you'd have to say Montana, but a good one, a nice safe one. Montana was Italian?

Yeah, of course. Montana's Italian. Andrew, can you look that up? I mean, the kid's got to be Italian. That blonde hair? Do you know his last name, or do you know something about his mother we don't no no he's italian hold on a second i don't know about this one vince lombardi's italian uh oh here's here's a good one quarterback vinnie testaverti it's a good one the only

vinnie testaverti was? Yeah. You sure about that? Yeah. Sounds like a name out of Goodfellas. Joe Montana, here we go. Go down there, you talk to Vinny Testaverde, you tell him I sent you. He's going to give you a package, don't fucking open it, bring it back here. Joe Montana, which comes from Northern,

the name comes from Northern Italy, and it's really Montani. Montana's family were Italian American and the name Montana being Americanized from the surname Montani, which comes from Northern Italy, Joe Montana. I like how they, I like how they still went with a vowel.

You know, it's funny. The one and only time I ever saw him, I was in an Italian restaurant in San Francisco. He was sitting, you know, it was like two couples. He was there. I remember when I got out, I walked across, and he looked up at me, and my fucking heart almost dropped.

He just had that fucking look on his face. Remember, I used to do it for you. I'm trying to do it for you. When he looked up, I was just walking by. I was staring at him. I'll do it here. I've got to do it for you oh oh this is when he looked up i was just walking by i was staring at him he just i'll do it here just i gotta get in the character here i can't do it he just fucking looked at me it was just like i thought he was gonna shoot me dude i it was like he just had like dead eyes like, oh, yeah, you're going to try to stop me. You told me that.

Sorry. The first time you did that impression for me and you fucking got into it and you did it, I felt it. I was laughing. Do you know that Chaz Palminteri did that to me? He was at the Comedy Cellar and he was talking to Chrissy D in one of the booths. And I walked over to Chrissy. We were talking and he gave me the look like from a Bronx tale when he was watching somebody walk by. And it freaked me out because like, that's kind of obviously his look when he's doing that, but you see it in a movie as a kid.

Talking to Chrissy like this. And he just looked at, and he just gave the look and I was like wow dude that that it hit me but um all right before we wrap this up we're gonna wrap this puppy up real quick okay who would you freak out the most with okay like in show business I say Eddie Murphy but in sports I was thinking if it would be jordan i was thinking if it would be tom terrific i was thinking that if they walked in and like sat down right next to you looked at you and like hey man how you doing and you're just sitting there next to him which who would freak you out the most it'd have to be somebody before when I was a real little kid.

Before the bullshit, it would have been O.J. Simpson. Not going to lie to you. Wow. Dr. J. That's a good one. Larry Bird. Andrew Thimler says Larry Bird. Remember me and Bartnick saw Ewing?

Hockey player. Terry O'Reilly. Dude, I go like late 70s. I think Earl Campbell. Dude, if I met Brian Seip, i would freak out those guys like i had all their cards i knew i knew i knew their stats and all of that shit more than i knew my schoolwork i got two and i'm trying to figure out who would freak me out more and the more i think about it it would be just because of the legacy and the allure it would be jordan or lawrence taylor

if if jordan or lawrence taylor walked in and looked at me and just started talking to me, I would be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You see, both of them, they were like, you were the same age of the guys that I was talking about. Like in baseball. Oh, Don Mattingly. Don Mattingly. That was my first walking into the stadium. And it was when you had the tunnel.

So you didn't see the field like you do in these cookie cutters now. And you walked in and all of a sudden it opened up green. And the Yankees sucked in the 80s. The Yankees didn't do shit for that whole, when he was like the best player in baseball. And dude, number 23 with the mustache. You want to fit it in 81. Yeah, and he had a really big year in, I think, 87 or 88.

He had like nine games in a row with the home run. And Phil Rizzuto. I think the Yankees won a pennant before he was there. The Dave Winstead. Holy cow. Holy cow. What a month. Matt and Lisa, are you kidding me?

Rizzuto? If I could meet baseball players from when I was a kid, George Foster, Dave Concepcion, just those guys. I met Pete Rose one time at an autograph signing. The big red machine. Then like guys from the Oakland A's. Dude, if I met Reggie, Raleigh Fingers, all of those guys that were on that, those teams. What about Ricky Henderson, dude?

Ricky Henderson was more like when I was in my teens. There's something you just went like, like you were so excited for me to say yes. You go, what about Ricky Henderson? No, these are all people like from when I was like 12 and under. Like in hockey, I'd love to meet the Stastny brothers there was three got mario anton and peter stassny all played on the same line for the quebec nordiques how fucking cool is that you all three you and your two brothers make the nhl and you're playing on the same fucking line michelle goulet all of those guys from back when i was a kid um the enforcers from back then. What about Gretzky? I met Gretzky. I did a Bill Simmons show one time.

That's a big one. Dude, hockey players are like ridiculously down to earth. Ridiculously. Well, guys, this has been episode eight of Anything Better. Want to thank everybody again for your positive. Every eight podcasts, we go a little long. Every eight podcasts. Number eight. anything better. Want to thank everybody again for your podcast. We go a little long. Every eight, number eight,

number eight, Gary, Gary Carter. Who else is number eight? Call you. Rest his soul. Call you. Stremski.

Who else? Who's a Ripken junior. Ooh, nice. So you're, you're peeling them off quick. Fucking, uh,

uh, uh, what's his face? Steve young. Nice. Nice. Yeah. Dude, you just peeled off like six. I'm thinking to myself, I like the, yeah, all I was thinking about.

It's a weird one. Well, who's the retired Yankee number eight. You should know that. Is that Yogi Berra? Was he nine? No, I was, I said, but then they said Yi barrow was number um 10 no they said no yogi barrow was number seven on on alexa no no no mickey mannell yeah so i think uh yogi was i don't was yogi 10 or 8 i think 10 no maybe it was 8 he was 8 or 10 i don't know we uh hey listen we go long when we want to go long because it's our show you know know what I mean? So we make the rules, okay? It's our show. So thank you, guys.

I love how you're acting like somebody's complaining to you. Nobody's even seen it yet. Wait till the bad reviews come in. Guys, keep rating the show. Thank you for the compliments, the nice reviews. Keep that up. The show moves up. Get anything better on iTunes, Spotify, everywhere you get podcasts.

Obviously, check out the Verzi Effect, the Monday morning podcast. Guys, I'm going to be at the Orlando Improv March 24th. I'm going to be at the West Palm Beach Improv on the 25th. I mean, I'm Paul Verzi. Who am I? And then I'm going to be in Oklahoma City April 1 through 3 at the Bricktown comedy club. Check out all my dates on paulverzi.com. I'm going everywhere across the country for my 2020. One of the best NBA games I ever went to. I looked it up. And of course, of course I looked up when I'm going to be there and the thunder are there three days before I get there. And then they're out of town. My luck with teams on the road. Dude, that their, their stadium is just

like, it's like a college stadium. There's no frills. It's just like people into basketball. It was loud as shit. That's when Westbrook was there. The guy with the beard who doesn't play, Harding. Harding. And KD were there.

It was fucking amazing. And I saw them play the Miami Heat, and that was the time Chris Bosh got in that dude's face. And KD pushed him away and pulled his teammate aside and they set up the game. They said, what'd you say to him? He said, I told him there's a lot of phony tough guys in this league and that guy's one of them. I was like, oh shit. Wait, who said that? KD said that about Chris Bosh. You find that in a fucking Marvel movie. Wow. Somebody's got to write that for an actor to say. KD said that because that came from him. All right, let's wrap this up. I got to eat this slop. You got anything coming up?

No. Check out all the podcasts. Oh, you know what? I got the Grammys. Oh, wait. Congratulations. Yeah, congratulations, dude dude you humble prick listen guys Bill Burr nominated for a Grammy paper tiger one of the best stand-ups you'll ever see congratulations my friend we should have talked about that see that's how humble you are that's how down to earth you are um congratulations check that out when is that what day is that? This Sunday. I don't know when this podcast

is coming out, so we'll see. No, this podcast will be out before then. Yeah, this podcast will be out. This podcast will be on Saturday. Tune in Sunday. I'm not going to be your presenter, Paul. Are you? Yeah. For best ukulele solo

in a mandolin album goes to ukulele Johnson. a mandolin album goes to... You better fucking win now. What's the world coming to? What's the world coming to? All right, guys. This is Anything Better, Episode 8. Till next week, we're out of here.

Take care. See you soon. Thank you.