Anything Better? - Nuts Was Normal
Episode Date: February 20, 2021Is there anything better than Bill and Paul talking about puking, laughing at funerals, and robbing banks?...
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episode 5 anything better podcast with myself Paul Murphy and Bill Burr and Bill I'm going
to start this episode by saying is there anything better. I got one out of the gate. Is there
anything better than being on good terms with your wife for three days straight, dude? I am on,
I'm on three days, no fighting. She actually gave me a little caressing like we were laying next to
you. Yeah. Gave like the arm, a little caress, Valentine's Day? No. Just a random day.
Just yesterday.
I'm laying in bed, watching TV.
She does the turnover, which lets me know she's going to be out in five minutes.
And she just had her eyes open.
She looked at me, a little arm caress, and I'm just going, man, I'm on a three-day win streak right now.
It's nice.
What's your record?
I don't think I've gotten past eight.
Past what?
Eight.
Dude, eight is unbelievable.
No, eight would be up in the Raptors, you know, of the living room.
Yeah.
I'm trying to think of an NBA franchise that has one banner.
Portland.
You like the Portland Trailblazers are married guys.
Like Billy Joel has the number 12 for how many consecutive sold out.
I would have eight over my kitchen.
But dude, I got to tell you guys, I got to tell you,
I think it's because she tried something that worked and I gave her all the
credit. She comes into the kitchen. She goes, dinner's ready. And she goes,
I need you up here. And I go, what is it? And she gave me that, you know, Stacy, my wife,
she gives like a little smirk and gets red in the face. You've seen, you know, she gets like that.
And I go, what is it? And she goes, I don't know. You'll see. And she's got this cute little bounce
in her step and she comes in, she takes out of the oven, dude. She made like al dente linguine with shrimp scampi over it and the seasoning and the oil, dude, and the and the noodles were cooked to perfection.
I bit this fucking thing, dude. I'm not joking. If she said to me right now, let's go up in the bedroom and I'll give you a fucking blowjob that you'll fucking never forget.
Or I would duplicate this meal i might
take the latter hey can we get both hey how about we do both okay i'm telling you man so
me and my wife are on good terms because she just wanted to compliment bill she just wanted to
compliment hey that's amazing i'm not gonna act like i got this shit figured out, but I could have had, I could have been on an eight day tear,
but I fucked it up. I had a legitimate complaint. And rather than thinking about what I said,
I just did what I always do. I just came in, opened the door.
She's sitting there like looking up from her phone, like what the, what the fuck did I marry?
And by the time I realized that I was being an asshole, it was too late.
And it just fucked shit up for like a day and a half. I was just like, ah,
why do I say things, Paul?
You'd be funny if there was ESPN commentary, Bill Burr, they had it.
They had it ready to win the series. And then he fumbled.
He doesn't know how to win. He doesn't know how to win.
He doesn't know how to win.
He's got all the tools in the bag.
The man just does not know how to win.
Is it time for Nia to make a change?
How long do you hang on with this guy?
Nia comes into the press conference sitting down on a mic.
Reporters are asking her.
She's like, listen, you know, it's a tough one.
We're excited about the new direction that we're going in. Uh, no disrespect to Bill.
We, he had a great run and we'll always be proud of the legacy that he created here, but it's
time to move on. And we wish him luck wherever he ends up, whatever trailer park.
Oh, I'm keeping the stadium. Cause that's how divorce laws work.
Whatever, trailer park.
Oh, shit. Because I'm keeping the stadium because that's how divorce laws work.
Hey, one of my buddies sent me a nice little sports debate here.
This is a good one because they were talking about how Brady moved up the all-time,
you know, transcending his sport, greatest of all time list.
So here's the list, Paul.
In what order?
Wayne Gretzky, Serena Williams, Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, Tom Brady.
First, let's start with the obvious.
Do you agree that those are the GOATs of all their sports?
Yes.
All right.
My only one I'm worried about, too, Tiger,
because he doesn't have as many as Jack Nicholson.
He's definitely more Nicholson.
Jack Nicholas.
He's definitely more dominant.
But Jack still has the most.
And he had to beat, you know, Arnold Palmer.
Was Ben Hogan still around?
I don't think he was.
I think Arnold beat Ben.
But Gretzky also says, he might just be modest,
he says that Bobby Orr is the greatest of all time.
So I feel like greatest golfer and greatest hockey player
is still a little bit up to date.
And, you know, Mario Lemieux, if Mario doesn't get sick.
I mean, he was like a six foot six Gretzky.
I mean, there was there was incredible, incredible players in the 80s.
But I have it like this.
I have Jordan, Brady, Serena, Gretzky, Tiger.
That's how I put him.
You know, he's leaving out race car drivers
and the top male tennis player.
You know, Roger Federer is a fucking animal.
And what about...
It's pretty...
But there's Pete...
He's like better than...
You know, he's one more than Pete Sampras, right?
But like they're pretty close.
I mean, if you look at like Gretzky came in doing stuff
he never saw anybody do.
Serena, I don't think anybody – maybe Martina came along
and almost won a slam.
What about Mario?
Plus the fact that there was no black people in tennis.
It was like Arthur Ashe.
It was like five people of color, it seemed.
But I just think Jordan, the way Jordan just made everybody look like a child.
Yeah.
He used to play NBA games and look like a McDonald's
all American at his,
at his high school game,
but he was actually playing against pros and Brady,
just because of the sport that he plays,
how,
how,
how short careers are and that he's been doing it this long and that he has
19 years or 20 seasons between Superbowl titles,
how the hell and doing it during the modern era.
I also Jordan,
another one for him is he won pre Kobe Shaq,
Phil Jackson.
When it,
when it started the pile on era,
someone was trying to say,
well,
I'd stick LeBron up there.
And I'm just like, well, when Jordan played, you had to beat the best. You didn't just hang out with the
best and go, Hey, let's all get on the same fucking team. Not saying that LeBron wouldn't
have won back then. I'm not saying that, but it's just like, you know, Jordan didn't join the
fucking Pistons when he couldn't beat him. He beat him. Yeah, man. That's a, that's a really
tough one. I don't know if I would put Tiger last, like you have them. I like the rest of your list.
I like Serena third, uh, where you have her. I like, I liked, I like Brady and Jordan where
you have him. I don't do my Tiger. Last is sounding dumber. It already sounded stoop.
Cause who do you put last? It's hard to put somebody last.
But it's not like you're really putting them last with that list.
Right.
He's still the first golfer.
Right.
But I know what you're saying.
Because he also, they had to redesign golf.
That's a big one, though, dude.
They didn't have to redesign the basketball court for Jordan.
They had to redesign golf courses.
That's like some Wilt Chamberlain shit.
Yeah.
Where they make dunking illegal
because no one can block
your shot in the league
slash, you know,
racist issues.
Was that Chamberlain or Kareem?
I used to argue
like Patrice going,
because he used to say
the Wilt Chamberlain
when they made dunking illegal
was straight up racist.
And I said,
okay, but Patrice, it's also a business.
Okay?
And you got to have competition to make people watch.
It has to be a question.
If people already know the answer, they're not going to watch.
However, I was proven wrong when Durant went to the Warriors and everybody was just like, yeah, they're going to win.
And everybody watched anyways.
Yeah.
It was like a bad summertime movies.
How I always, I always compared it was just like, I know.
Okay.
I know the hero's not going to die.
How does he beat the bad guys?
You've showed me in the trailer, the first three quarters of this movie.
I just really need to see the last five minutes.
Yeah.
Well, yeah.
But here's the thing too.
Here's the thing too here's the thing too about the tiger thing
from 21 years old to 28 years old nobody i mean that kid won the masters by 21 strokes when he
was like fucking just stopped having pimples man i mean it's so i know but there's also for me it's
it's how long were you great for and stuff like that. He's kind of a victim of like his body breaking down.
Yeah.
There's really no wrong answer here.
It's just fun.
It's just fun.
It's just fun sports talk.
The whores that ran into this man's life, they're to blame.
I'm kidding.
Relax.
I prefer to call them distractions.
He had some off field distractions.
Where do we pick up from?
I'm just going to say it.
All right.
I just said some shit we had to cut out because.
Because you used his name in social.
No, but I might as well have.
I didn't say a name.
I pride myself in not saying names, but I'm just like, I just know that, you know, friends of him also have the Internet.
And if they see this, they're going to figure this shit out.
So sorry.
No, dude, you're a nice.
You didn't even have to say that.
I mean, that's the type of guy you are.
I mean, who am I?
Oh, guess what?
I found out the song.
You ready?
What song?
Sugar pie.
That's the song.
We were singing on the road.
Yes.
You know, I can't help.
It's the four tops.
Can't help myself. Oh, tops. Can't help myself.
Oh, yeah. Can't help myself. I love you and nobody else.
Yeah. Going across Canada.
Yo, dude, the four tops. Sugar Pie Honey Bunch had us crying, laughing.
Sugar Pie Honey Bunch.
There's a couple of there's a couple of
there's a couple of four tops bangers
I'll see if I
can't help my
I put this shit up against
Jay-Z
alright ready
showing our age here
it's the same
old song
you know I've heard them a million times i don't know
yeah uh oh baby i need your love
god devil dude one night all the way across canada one night hockey listened to Motown and got absolutely
hammered for 21 days straight and it was glorious one night we were on tour and uh you me and
Bartnick shared a room and that infomercial of Motown discs that you could get the infomercial
of like the entire Motown collection and it was was only the infomercial. And they just kept going.
And me and Bartnick, we had our own queen size bed
and Bartnick going, this is, I could just listen to this.
This is, for fucking two hours,
we sat up till three o'clock in the morning
and every Motown hit came on.
And we just-
We're gonna start calling Bartnick Giant Verzi.
Cause both of you guys, I don't care where you guys are.
You're like, this is great.
I got a cocktail.
I got something to put my feet on.
Dude.
What more does a guy need?
The greatest thing that I've ever witnessed in sports,
games going with you,
was the look on Joe Bartnick's face when we went to Duke UNC at Cameron Indoor.
Camden. Camden.
Camden.
Cameron.
Is it Cam?
Oh, Camden's the Philly show.
Sorry.
Yeah.
Cameron.
Yeah, Cameron Indoor Arena, even though it's 9,000.
It looks like a high school gym.
Dude, Bartnick was late because he had to piss.
So me, you, Joe G., and we got our seats, and Bartnick comes in,
and he's looking around, and the sheer looking around and the sheer joy and he's
going he's just looking he also and there was a look on his face he couldn't believe he was like
he was going to experience it was almost like he had like sort of a gate where he didn't he wasn't
worthy of being there no it was literally like a religious experience in there yo it was like a
religious my ears were ringing like I went to a concert,
and then you just stood up the whole game.
And then when you didn't think, we've talked about this before,
the lady came out, the red tiger, red panda.
Red tiger.
And it was some fucking animal I didn't want to run into.
That purple leopard came out.
The purple leopard came out on that tricycle.
She starts throwing the plates and the saucers up on her head.
And then, dude, Coach K waits to be the last one to come out,
like the finale before the game starts,
and all the students start going like this,
and Coach K just walks out in his suit.
And, oh, that was that was the
greatest experience i've ever had in a sporting event in my life dude you know it's great too
you can go to paul's uh you can go to paul's youtube page if you want to watch uh the red
panda video matched up with you guys telling the story oh yeah go to my youtube because bill called
me out because i said she does it with one leg. And Bill just goes, let's be clear.
She has two legs.
And that was, so you guys got to check that video.
Dude, she threw 20 bowls.
She threw 20 bowls from her toes onto the top of her head on a fucking unicycle.
It was one of the, it lived up to a great game.
It was fucking nuts.
There was no dip.
Like I really feel like the Superbowl,
the NFL has really missed the mark by not having her come out on the middle
of the field view.
If you want to get a bunch of people,
because anytime they book a music act, I mean, it's a real, actually,
it's actually a really bad gig for,
for most people who play the halftime show.
You think people,
they get shit on somebody's titty pops out.
Um,
people don't like the show.
Right.
And I also think if you're someone who just stands there and sings your song,
it's going to come off like you're going to,
it's going to be a dud,
but you get,
you get,
uh,
you get the,
uh,
the green dragon out there paul right
she gets on her bicycle built for two starts flipping those humidors up
do people lose their mind i don't know why football uh games have never had her she is a
fucking beast dude she followed carolina duke at duke there was no dip and not only did she follow
it she was following a great game and people went as nuts for her and dude they there's a
documentary on her when she was like a little girl she was like throwing up like four on her head as
like it was like she's like the goat prodigy um all the other kids were asking to lick the spoon
and she was throwing the bowl up in her head.
That's when they knew she was special.
She's talking to the other parents at school.
They were like, is she eating yet?
She's doing a little more than that.
She's fucking juggling on a unicycle, dude.
I got one for you.
Most drunk you've ever been because i've realized that people have
ruined sporting events by their drunkness if you can remember most drunk you've ever been
that you could actually remember and recollect some of your behavior at a sporting event do you
know what it was there's a lot of memories um i could tell you what i feel bad for carpenter
bill was shitting on the fucking kicker of the dolphin so hard i can't even tell you how not
drunk i was when i did that you weren't drunk at all no something happens to me when i go into a
stadium i lose all sense of inhibition and I just start yelling and I want to make my
section laugh. No, dude. I just become the class clown of my section. Back when you could do that,
but now they drown you out because every time there's a stop at your play, you're watching
three choo-choo trains of different color and everybody's hoping they're going to win a taco.
Well, yes and no. That used to be my time.
Well, yes and no though, though bill because me and you were drinking
that bourbon on that ferry in cincinnati from kentucky so i mean you definitely oh that's
child's play we were doing that every night i was in game shape for that fucking cincinnati game
it was a fucking bangles versus the dolphins when they both stunk. There is no way
that Carpenter didn't call his wife
or whatever woman was in his life that night
going, there was a guy
driving me fucking nuts.
There is absolutely, yo,
there's no way that that kid... I hope one day I see him
on the NFL network. They're like, worst fans you ever
been in front of me are Bengals fans.
Bengals fans.
You made that... They got East Coast accents too it's weird man oh dude
I've never felt more bad for a guy but you weren't like a hammered him when when were you like did
you ever throw up at a game yeah 1989 wow Pat's game wow yeah that was I was leading up to my uh getting pulled over for
drinking and driving I was on a run and um we were doing uh we had a keg of beer
and so you open the tap we weren't doing keg stands but it was everyone was going
one two three four and yet each, and it was really no clock.
It was just how hammered we were.
It just took forever to count.
So then everybody started dropping off around 15, 17 seconds.
And it was me and this one other guy.
I believe now is in law enforcement at a high level.
That's what's fucking hilarious.
It was down to me and him.
And we got all the way up to like 34.
We were somehow in the 30s.
But you understand, it was like started off at six seconds.
That was the buy-in or 10 seconds or something.
And they just kept increasing it by two.
So, dude, my belly was just like,
I was just full of beer. And I ended up, I remember I was, first of all, not the person
who was even remotely supposed to win. I was the Gonzaga when they first got into the big dance,
because there was some big guys there. And I don't know if they ate too much dogs. I just
got into competitive mode and
i'm like whatever the number is i'm not gonna stop drinking till we get it so when i came down i beat
another guy and it was just me and the other guy left i remember i slammed the thing down and my
buddy went to hug me i was like don't touch me don't touch me oh and then i went one more round dude and it was funny because we paid to park on this lady's lawn
and uh i don't know what i puked on but it definitely died afterwards dude i just like
dude it came back you know you have a puke so fast it comes back up it's still cold
it was it was almost refreshing
it was like my stomach gave my throat an enema. It
came back. It still looked like beer. It was just like, I look like a Pez dispenser, but
like, it was like beer coming out. Oh yeah. Yeah, dude, I did. I thought I was 21. So
I shook it off. I nursed another one and then limped up the train tracks.
Dude, the amount of times you could have died, by the way, where we parked.
You used to park in these people's yards, and then you walked up the train tracks.
And the Amtrak or whatever, the local had it advertised that you could take the train out to the game.
And that was the track they used.
So we would just be stumbling along all kinds of people with their kids and
shit.
Then you'd walk underneath route one and then go up the hill and then you'd
walk along route one.
Um,
you know,
if there was enough people,
you'd be on the outside of the guardrail.
If there were,
it was,
you know,
if they sucked and there was nobody at the game,
you'd walk on the inside
because people were still flying by in their cars.
And wow, dude, I just got a vivid picture
of that old stadium.
We would walk up to that old stadium
and we were sitting on the opposite of Route 1 side
and we sat up in the 300 section,
closer to Boston side, not closer to the Attleboro side. And we sat up in the 300 section you know closer to boston side not closer to the
attleboro side and we sat up there and i made every single fucking home game and the last game
of that year was the uh patriots playing the original los angeles rams and i got busted for
drinking and driving the night before i'd done seven in a row i was the only guy that was going
to make all the games and i was uh you know I was explaining to my parents, I think, what had happened. But dude, that year,
when I think back of all the guys that I saw, the amount of Hall of Famers I saw,
and then the amount of uniform changes and teams. Let me see here. I'm going to look up the Patriots 1989 season, right?
Oh, by the way, dude, the Celtics finally win after a three-game losing streak.
All right, 1989 schedule.
Dude, this fucking guy out there, Nikola Jokic or some shit like that.
Joker, yeah.
Yeah, Jesus Christ.
That guy couldn't miss.
All right, the Jets.
We played the – no, the first one we played were the Dolphins.
Oh, my God.
Dan Marino came in.
They've changed their uniforms slightly.
Then we had the Seattle Seahawks.
Dude, and I remember – because I saw Seattle.
Steve Largen.
I remember him catching a fucking touchdown pass and running in.
I thought it was pretty cool that I saw Steve.
It wasn't Jim Soren.
I think it was David Craig.
They've changed their uniforms and moved to the NFC.
Well, Buffalo Bills still have the same uniform.
I know I saw Warren Moon that year on the Houston Oilers.
That's a great uniform.
Here we go.
12 more.
Come on.
That powder blue with the red was great.
Where is it?
New England Patriots.
I'm the only person that even remotely gives a shit about this.
All right.
Dolphins, Seattle Bills.
And, oh, the Houston Oilers.
Yeah.
Foxborough Stadium.
Yep.
I saw Warren Moon.
Then I saw the Jets.
That's when they had the joe klecko green
the new orleans saints i don't even remember that game was george rogers still on that game
that team wow yeah and then the rams the last one december 24th and i got busted uh
uh like two in the morning on December 23rd.
Wow.
The evening Christmas Eve.
You know, I was thinking about it.
I never got sick or drunk during a sporting event because I was just always so psyched to be there that I would get drunk after.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I would always be pretty buzzed, but I never was like.
It's just because we started that stupid contest it was
dumb it was so fucking dumb so dumb i i did some things that i could have been killed doctor told
my doctor dude told us like i could have died dude i would we were i was at college and i was
like nobody will fucking because i never would throw up so they would call my stomach like steel
and like i i fucking stupid me took that i'm like I'll never fucking throw dude we were me and this I had this friend
he would be like y'all fuck anything that moved we would we would go we would go to the dorm rooms
down we went to college we went to junior college you go do I'll fuck anything and I remember he'd
be like yo the fish better stop swimming. Cause I'll fuck them too. Right. Kill was an animal, but dude, I took a funnel of absolute vodka and they took one scoop,
one scoop of iced tea powder and they put it in dude. And I just like took it straight down.
And I remember being like fine and everything. And all of a sudden dude my body was just and
i was trying to like wash it down with beers really bad they were like dude you could have
died from that but uh wash it down with more alcohol dude i got one for you one time i was
fucking boozing and like dead him and i just wanted to go home my friends wouldn't leave and
i just said fucking i'm walking home and where dead a
mess oh and i just started walking and i went the most direct route and i cut through these woods
and i was walking along the highway on the inside of the guardrail and i was walking the cars were
driving by and i couldn't see and And then it just looked really black.
And, dude, and I took a step, and there was no ground there.
And I just started rolling down this hill.
Boom.
Boom.
Fucking landed down by the train tracks.
I'm lucky I didn't break my fucking neck.
And, dude, if something, yeah, if you broke something,
and you couldn't move, and you just laid in the woods. Oh, they never would have found me.
Oh, dude.
They never would have found me.
And I fucking got up.
Luckily.
Yo, Irish kids.
I'm going to cross the fucking tracks.
Dude, Irish kids, German Irish kids.
I don't give a, they're just, they're just the toughest.
You guys are the toughest.
You just are as.
Russians, Armenians.
There's a lot of fucking psycho
brazilians all right listen maybe i'm telling you do this like maybe what if you want to say
white tough no dude you guys oh my god they gotta do that they gotta rank
you gotta i had this i had this friend rest of you rest of people right in latinos who's the toughest
latino like like i think as far as like if you read like when the russians fought the nazis i
mean you're fighting a bunch of people in like tanks with porsche engines in them okay and these
guys have a lot of them just had farming tools fighting in the snow and bare feet and they
kicked the shit out of them and beat beat them all the way back to fucking germany
emotionally tough i've never seen anything like you guys i've never seen guys just almost feel
like they deserve to have a hangover and go to work the next day it was like this guilt thing
i've never seen i would say would say it's emotional ignorance.
Dude, I knew a kid, rest his soul, rest his soul,
passed away and it was a really tragedy,
but he played Syracuse football.
He played with Donovan McNabb.
Then he got hurt and he ended up playing at Rutgers.
This dude hit like a ton of bricks.
He was a linebacker.
He was an animal.
And he would wear this big Irish kid and he would wear the
Adidas shell toes and he would always dress good. And we,
that's when we would drink 40 ounces of malt liquor, old English,
St. Ives, all that shit. Right. We would go and we'd call, you know,
we'd piss warm by the time he got to the bottom. We would get, we'd go like,
we call it, Hey buddy. And a, Hey buddy is when somebody's walking in and be
like, Oh dude, if we give you an extra five, will you get us some?
And he would be known like we would have one through the night.
He had three and everybody knew like nobody could drink them.
And he used to like listening to House of Pain and fucking jump around and all that shit. Right.
And I remember this guy and he could freestyle, too. And like he was one of these quiet, tough guys.
All the girls loved him. He had that fucking
quiet. And that's why, like when he got on a football field, he just fucking something happened.
Right. And, um, he always had like beautiful girlfriends. The kid was an animal. And, uh,
he's like, Verzi, man, come in here. I'm a freestyle. And he would freestyle and people
would go nuts with this freestyling. And we go into the bed. We're in a hotel party.
And he just took a liking to me.
We became close.
Versus, come here, man.
I want to freestyle for you.
So we're sitting in front of the toilet.
And he'd just be like,
He just starts killing it.
And he'd just go,
He just opened the toilet.
He just threw up a 40.
And I'm shit, dude.
I just go.
Just went right back into this freestyle, dude.
And I just was like, cause dude, when I puked, I never really threw up.
So my friends knew if but dude if i
puked i was it was a wrap you know take me to fuck home this kid just just wiped and kept freestyling
dude did you ever see that video that kid playing drums he's either playing in a band or doing a
drum solo like a talent show and he was nervous he was killing it and he just fucking at one point he just he just stopped playing and just oh no he kept the
hi-hat and the bass drum going hurled then did some more shit hurled again again and then
went back to his fucking solo and i just would have been like if i was his dad i would have
been like son i don't think i've ever been so fucking proud of anybody in my life.
Oh, fuck.
Because what I loved about it was people gave him props for continuing to go.
You never stop.
You just keep going.
I mean, throwing up is one of my favorite things to do is YouTube guys throwing up at weddings in the church.
They just start wobbling.
How does she say I do after that?
Like, dude, if I was standing there and my wife came walking down the aisle and just puked, I would have been like, you don't want to marry me?
Literally the sight of me as your groom makes you sick.
I would love to see how many of those weddings where the guy yacked ended up in divorce.
I should have known on my wedding day.
You weren't feeling right about him?
No, he saw me and threw up.
Oh, my God. Donovan mcnab dude donovan
mcnab in the huddle i hate to fucking you know i hate to say it i used to do a joke i go dude if
general patton was talking to the troops before they went into an invasion or a war he's like I'm not going to do fuck that.
Yo, I'm not going.
I know, but I, Donovan still showed up.
He just didn't get it done.
He just went up against a Patriots team.
That's all.
I know.
But Bill, your quarterback throwing up in the fourth quarter of a Superbowl in the huddle.
Paul, I would love to say that you could look at my whole life and I haven't been the guy puking in the huddle.
Maybe not literally, but I mean, it happens.
It's just his shit was on TV.
Helix mattress, everybody.
I got to tell you something right now, okay?
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Sometimes I wake up on a shitty mattress.
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I slept on this fucking Helix mattress like an absolute fucking angel.
And I'm not bullshitting.
Okay?
I slept good.
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Okay?
I'm not even kidding, dude.
I slept like an infant. You're the only guy who curses more than their advertisers than me.
I'm loving this read.
No, I slept like an infant who just hit 25 pounds.
Through the night, 12 hours, no pain.
The mattress was incredible.
We got the middle level one, which is a little firm,
but you get a little bit of give with it.
It was really incredible, man.
My wife and I both love it.
And yeah, man, we're going to even get now the Helix pillows.
All right, Paul froze up on us.
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slash better b-e-t-t-e-r for up to two hundred200 off and two free pillows. Yeah. I'm trying to think. I threw up on a bus,
on a school trip in a bus, but I was able to make it to the bathroom on the bus and close the door
behind me. So like I never did it out in the, but- I puked in a chick's tent one time.
I puked in a chick's tent one time.
Oof.
Camping?
I mean, that's, yeah.
I mean, I did a gig, and then we all started partying.
Next thing you know, they're like, you want to go camping?
I'm like, yeah, I don't give a fuck.
We're going to keep drinking.
I ended up in this poor woman's tent.
I don't even remember if we even tried to hook up.
I was just so fucking loaded. I just went to sleep and I,
but I was enough with it that I knew I was going to puke,
but I couldn't get up.
And I was just laying there.
I puked like Bonham.
I was in my fucking sleep.
Just yanked in the tent.
It's really fucked everything.
Obviously you puke in somebody's tent,
but just to say, she's probably not a fan of my comedy i know that this podcast is probably
grossing people out but dude i was at jets patriots in the last possible row under the
lights at the very very top and when you're at the last row there's actually a cement little
platform behind you there was a dude face down and his body would just jerk and
when it jerked liquid was just and it would jerk again and he was like a doll that they stuffed
with a fucking and he just pushed and he would just keep going and he would jerk and it was
it grossed me the fuck out man um i don't know dude got to be honest with you. Two things that make me laugh. A guy puking and a guy crying are the two funniest fucking things.
I mean, like when I watch reality shows, like when my wife used to watch those fatties trying to, you know, my 600 pound fucking life and they're on the treadmill.
And they're like, I just like cheeseburgers so much.
And I just would be just fucking, not like in a mean way.
I'd be rooting for them.
But there's just something.
I'll actually be honest with you.
Even when the women cried, I would laugh.
I told you that.
I've said this story a million times.
My wife fell asleep on a plane.
She woke up because I was laughing.
I was laughing so hard I was making the lady on the other side of Nia laugh.
She didn't even know I was laughing.
She was just laughing at how hard I was laughing. And Nia woke up to see what I was watching. And I was watching the lady on the other side of Nia laugh. She didn't even know I was laughing. She was just laughing at how hard I was laughing.
And Nia woke up to see what I was watching,
and I was watching Precious.
It was just, Paul, it was so fucking mean.
It was just so mean.
It became funny.
And they just kept cutting to her face,
and she'd be like, sitting there looking all sad.
They just kept cutting to her face and she'd be like,
sit there looking all sad.
It's just fucking hilarious.
I related.
I related.
One time my mom went to her friend's father's funeral and my mom had that stress emotion thing where it changed
and my mom starts hysterical laughing in the thing,
uncontrollably laughing. And it's, I guess it's this thing where like, if you're stressed and
you have anxiety, like they're just, it's almost like a wire gets tripped. And my mom was like,
you know, the way people are inconsolably crying, she was laughing at that level.
And the whole place is looking at her and she had to be taken
out she was like it was like she was crying laughing as hard as she could and everybody
was crying and silent and that's how she dealt with it and she still tells me that to this day
I'm just like oh my god if I could if somebody had an iPhone back then oh dude I lost it one time at a funeral. What, laughing? Oh, one of the great laughs of my life.
What happened?
A buddy of mine's dad died.
It was really, really sad, obviously.
We were really young.
I mean, we were in our 20s, but but so it rained really bad that day just to add
to the misery and everything so when we went to the burial site they had one of those pop-up tents
and there was only enough room for so many people to get under it and everybody else was getting
soaked so me and my buddy were outside we We didn't make it into the VIP section.
So my other buddy tried to like stick his head underneath it, right?
So because it was sort of a cheap tent, what happened was like it got a crease in it and the
water was gathering and it just became like this stream coming down and it was just missing my the back of my buddy's jacket which was
sort of like a a fake suede so my buddy kind of nudges me or i nudged him to point like how the
water was almost missing him and my buddy was crying and then he just sort of got this smile
on his face and he reached up and he moved the tent, like changed it. So the stream started going all the way back.
And I don't know why.
We just started fucking crying, laughing.
Because he was just standing there.
It was like someone was pissing on him.
I think also we didn't know how to deal with death.
And we just started fucking crying, laughing.
And I remember one of the guys, the guy who drove the hearse,
I remember him looking over and him seeing us laughing with this look on his face like what the fuck and then i tried to play it off like i was crying but it was just like yeah i mean i'm i
hate that my buddy's dad died but you know my other buddy's got water pouring all over him i
don't know that is that church laugh thing where
it's just it's inappropriate it's weird no but no one knows how to deal with it so it goes right to
humor i went to a wedding where the bride did that laughed through the host of the whole vows
oh yeah my my buddy kevin ryan this kid who opens for me, he said, and he wasn't even trying to be like,
I said, you have to do it in your act. The lady was Asian. And he said, Paul, it was the thickest Asian accent. And he showed me video. And he was like, she was like, do you want to take her?
And like, they were, he, dude, and I said to him, I swear to God, she was like, do you? And he showed
me the video. It was like, do you take a hint to be a lovely?
And dude, there's a visual of her, his bride,
crying, laughing while they're doing it.
And he showed me and Stacey and I go, Kevin,
by the way, check out Kevin Ryan, super funny comic,
Opus Freelance Road, dude.
He, yo, she was that thick
and she just lost control of it
during the whole thing.
And I go, Kevin, if you don't put that in your fucking act, and he's like, I don't know
how to, I go, it really happened.
I saw the video.
There's nothing that is fucking hilarious.
I know a guy married a Mexican chick and they had the wedding down there and my buddy is
an idiot.
Right.
And they wanted him to say the vows in Spanish, right?
So the guy is saying them to him, and he keeps fucking it up,
and the guy won't let him off the hook.
And he keeps going back, and the more he keeps going back,
the more he's getting self-conscious.
And my buddy almost started, like, crying because he's not, you know,
he's just, don't ask he did not
fucking say it and the guy's like oh no he just stopped the ceremony until he said the shit right
and i was just sitting there going like i think there's a certain element here that's pissed that
she's marrying a white dude so she's taking him through the paces dude it was fucking
it was fucking hilarious.
It was the longest.
I mean, it took like, it was like, dude, it was the better part of 90 seconds.
And it was, dude, it was like, it felt like two hours.
We're just sitting there like, come on, man.
Just get through it.
Get through it, buddy.
Just fucking.
Oh, my God.
Say what he's saying.
Oh, that is so fucking funny dude yeah i wouldn't i wouldn't
know how to how do you not laugh how do you not laugh at that you know and then people look at
you like you're rude and you did something it's like does anybody else hear this guys just fucked
up the whole thing my brother becoming a comedian though fucks you up because it's almost like your
tolerance your tolerance for humor goes up.
I can't even say it.
What is it?
It's like the more music you listen to, the better taste you have.
The more comedy you watch, the more it takes you to laugh.
And the more you start seeing comedy where there's no comedy.
And then you just start becoming the guy who's laughing when nobody's laughing,
which used to happen to me back in the day when I would go to movies,
when you could go to movies.
Oh, Paul, when is this fucking thing going to be over?
I'm so sick of it.
I'm so fucking sick of it.
You know what I got into, dude?
I got really into it.
I think I told you that I had a fantasy about it. I have fantasies.
Hey, Paul, keep it clean, huh?
No, no, no.
One of my fantasies is to rob a bank.
I told you that, right?
You know that.
I always wanted to rob a bank, right?
You're going Trump on me.
You know that.
Everybody knows that.
No, no, no.
I know anybody who knows it.
I always love that.
Yeah, yeah.
You know that?
I know that.
Everybody knows that.
That is the greatest way to end a point.
That's my favorite thing ever.
No, but I thought over the years I told you, oh, he talked about the movie Heat.
Maybe not.
Maybe it wasn't you.
But I've always had a fantasy of going into a bank and just running out with a fucking hockey bag filled with cash.
That's always been my thing.
Right?
That's why I love watching those movies.
So I saw this movie.
Knocking over old people? No, no, no no i would have done it like they did in heat i'm not here for i'm not here for
your money i'm here for the bank's money everybody if you need to you know rest on the wall if you
have a heart issue don't you know let us know you could go to the bathroom i'd be i would be i would
be you know they would they wouldn't worry about me you would get caught paul yeah you start letting
hostages not feel like
hostages they start leaving the bank you guys hungry this is too much for you if you're not a
gun person you can just get out of here i just i'm really i just want what's in the vault
is anybody hungry
i'm gonna be playing a movie on my phone.
My wife makes the greatest brownies.
I've told her forever to open a store, but she wouldn't do it,
which is why I'm here, which is why I'm here.
Start fucking handing them out with your little address on it.
No, dude, so I got to tell you this story.
Robert Redford's last movie was a movie called The Old Man with a Gun. And I watched it the other night. And it really is a true story about a dude who was in his 70s in 1981 in the Dallas, Fort Worth area of Texas. And he would walk in dressed. He was a fucking gentleman, dude.
walk in dressed he was a fucking gentleman dude he'd walk in dressed in a nice suit he had a hat and like a little thing he'd walk in he had a little like a mustache and he would like look very
just non-threatening at all and he would walk up and go hey i'm here to see the uh the manager
and he'd go on the manager he was like oh yeah what what could i help you with he's come here
to you know take out a loan and like what type of loan and he would just show his gun and be like
this type and then he would go like just put whatever you can in the bag.
And one woman started crying. He was like, no, no, no. He goes,
you're doing it. She goes, why? He goes, why are you crying, sweetheart?
She goes, it's my first day. And he's, and she's just put it.
He goes, you're doing great. You're doing great. And dude,
she would just give him the thing and he would walk out.
The green stuff and stick it in the Brown thing. And he goes, listen, I don't want to hurt you. He goes,
I like you as a matter of fact, I really like you.
And I don't want to hurt you. Just put it in the bag and do this guy hit off.
I'm going to blow your fucking brains out. I mean, no, this guy just,
don't let me do that. He hit off. He was in and out of prison.
He escaped San Quentin.
He was in and out of prison from 15 years old.
And then he gets out as an old man.
They finally catch him. They finally catch him and he gets out. He gets out. He goes to jail.
He does his time and he gets out and he just fucking met a woman and settled down and just
couldn't handle normal life. And he, she was like sleeping one day and he goes, I'll be right back.
You need anything from the store? And he went, he hit up four banks that day and got caught and guy was like 75 when he just couldn't not going he just
he had to scratch that itch paul the guy needed some action on the game god bless him i mean just
sit there and hold the yarn while she needle points never heard a guy never heard a soul that kid he never heard anybody
except himself you know you wouldn't want to rob a bank like you don't have any kind of
uh no i mean i don't know i mean when i was younger i wanted to but that what really was
looking bad is i didn't know how to talk to women. So I needed to do something cool and talk about it loudly near them,
thinking that that was what would bring them.
I never realized all I had to do was just say hi and make them laugh.
I could have just had a completely different career.
I wish I could go back in time as old me and be like, dude,
just say hello and see what happens.
You don't have to achieve things well how that age anyway when was your first girlfriend real girlfriend how old were you when
you had like your first real like walk her home hold her hand make out for the first time were Like 30?
Like legit?
Like I could marry this person?
Yeah.
No.
28?
No, I don't mean like marry.
I mean like, you know, your first like make out, go to the movies together. Like, you know.
Wasn't my first girlfriend.
She was older than me she was way a lot older than i was i'm not gonna get into this ball it was it was pretty it wasn't until i got to new york i kind
of fucking settled down but uh yeah i was an introverted fucking lunatic and uh and i i can't
give out too many fucking details because all these people are still out dude i'll
tell you that story man oh you want to talk about going from zero to fucking 10 000 feet
um in an afternoon oh young billy freckles oh that's gonna be a good cigar a little may
september romance there that's gonna be a good cigar
you got you got to remind me of that one.
We never talked about that one.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Then I, oh, dude, I got it.
Oh, I got it.
Dude, I, oh, yeah.
I definitely, took me a while till I got to normal.
The functional.
I mean, a lot, you know, it was me.
It was me. And then I was finding, you know, it was me, it was, it was me. And then I
was, I was finding, you know, people like me who are chicks and we would just be crazy together
and nothing fucking made sense. And, um, neither one of us could figure out what was wrong because
nuts was normal. Yeah. But then neither one of you be happy and then
eventually you just blame each other and then that's yeah that's kind of um that was the first
12 years of my dating yeah dude it was a uh i was definitely an expansive franchise
you came in like i came in like the buccaneers and went like 0-14 my first season.
Yeah, I was going to say Carolina Panthers,
but they actually went to the NFC Championship year one.
Kerry Collins.
Wow.
Yeah.
That's amazing.
And that was the same year.
How crazy is this?
And I think I'm not mistaken here.
It's the same year the Jacksonville Jaguars came into the league,
and they went to the AFC Championship with Mark Brunel and Coach Tom Coughlin.
Yeah.
You know, that happened in hockey with the Vegas Knights.
They almost won the Stanley Cup.
You wanted a great speech.
The head coach of the vegas knights said all of you are here today
because every other team in the nhl didn't think you were worth saving
oh just all fucking bonded dude that's they think you're done. Well, guess what? I think you got a little more in the tank.
Something like that.
I said this as a non-hockey guy.
What Herb Brooks did with the 1980 team,
I think I actually stacked that as the greatest sporting.
I think that that's the greatest sporting triumph in the history.
Oh, yeah.
Any other night they beat us, but not tonight.
Ten out of ten times the Russians beat us.
He goes, not tonight.
I love when he goes, hey.
He says to the dude, what is his name?
I don't know what to do.
Oh, Donald, who do you play for?
He goes, University of Minnesota.
He goes, again.
And they're just skating suicides.
And the guy goes, dude,
you got to let him, you got to let him stop. And he goes, so-and-so who do you play for? He'd be
like Boston college again. And dude, then they start turning the lights on. Like you got to go.
He goes, no, the kids are puking. And the coach is like, come on, man, enough. And then the coaches
start getting mad. He goes again. And he goes, so-and-so who do you play for? And finally the
lights go down and their fucking kids are puking, stopping, quitting. And he goes, he goes so and so who do you play for and finally the lights go down
and their fucking kids are puking stopping quitting and he goes so and so who do you play for
and he just goes the united states of america oh dude i just got the chills and he goes now you
could go home i was like dude that fuck i would have ran through a wall for that kid i would have
fucking you know what happened now they'd all facetime my coach was mean to me today and i just really feel triggered and he would get fired he would get fired yeah that's
we haven't beaten canada or the russians ever since yeah yeah he my son had a heart condition
well then he should have been very sensitive he doesn't respond to that type of motivation oh that was how great was fucking uh kurt russell
in that movie oh dude they'll hold i remember that i'm old enough to remember when that happened
dude people are shitting on kurt russell and i'm not cool with it man
who is no just like i was like kurt russell's a fucking kurt russell's underrated underappreciated
the guy's great and everything he does like he a child star, seamlessly went into his 20s and just is continuing.
The guy's on like a fucking 50-year career.
But I think everything he does, he owns.
Dude, that Snake Bliskin fucking escape from New York, that was great.
That was great.
Big Trouble in Little China.
Big Trouble in Little China.
He was great.
The one where he met Goldie Hawn, which is really kind of weird now to watch
that movie. They could never make that movie.
She's got amnesia and you send your wife
and now you're banging her. Overboard.
Overboard was great. He had like a bunch
of kids in that shitty house.
Captain Ron.
Yeah, but he didn't give her a roofie
or anything. No, she just fell.
What happened to her? She fell off a boat.
It's a very sketchy story now, Paul. Paul, those were different times that was the 80s let's let's move forward here the hateful
eight the fucking uh uh once upon a time in hollywood i mean it was just all kinds of do
you know i'm such a fucking idiot when it comes to oh tombstone fucking tombstone there you go
Oh, Tombstone.
Fucking Tombstone.
There you go.
Tombstone.
Fucking Tombstone.
You look like the guy outside the movie theater.
Like, hey, what'd you think about Tombstone?
Fucking Tombstone.
Two thumbs up.
Fucking great, right?
Regular Paulie.
Val Kilmer was great in that.
Oh, yeah.
When he did the little thing with the cup. Val Kilmer when he goes like this.
I'm your huckleberry.
That's another classic.
That's a great fucking movie, man.
Yeah, Val Kilmer was.
What was weird was they made.
You tell him I'm coming.
Oh, wait.
When Kurt Russell goes, you tell him I'm coming.
He goes, you want it?
You tell him I'm coming.
And hell's coming with me.
You hear me?
Hell's coming with me.
Yeah.
It's amazing dude that guy uh weren't there like two didn't costner do one they think two people did one at the same time oh costner did wyatt wyatt
erp yeah and then tombstone was with doc holiday and all that stuff i just like good days at the
box office man back when uh it was exciting to see a movie
to go out to have you seen it dude you got to go see it man this might be the last weekend you had
to go rush out and go see the fucking thing now it's just it all comes to you paul you just lay
in there on your water bed dude i feel bad rito's coming down from the ceiling fan right
me and uh me and my friend vinny saw Tombstone in the theater,
and I snuck in three cans of beer, and he snuck in three cans of beer,
and his dad picked us up and smelled it in the car.
Didn't say anything.
The dad was a gentleman but called my mom.
And he goes, yeah, just so you know, the boys watch it,
but, you know, they smell like beer.
So it just brought back that memory.
But still fucking good time. I remember the movie okay before you got caught how fucking great was it
you know what's so great about that is trying to open it quietly and you
i was an asshole dude stupid clearing of the throat me and my friend the bottles or cans
no no we they we were we were drinking cans but
me and my friend me and one of my friends would go into the high school parking lot when we were
seniors and we would open molson ice and we would slug a molson ice back and put it down and then
we would just go back just so dumb it's like it was it was so dumb but remember that shit where
you do that the movie theater and you drink a few then
you'd accidentally knock one over and then make that sound the bottle makes and then it would
slowly oh start rolling all the way down to the front of the theater and then eventually
somebody would get up and go walk out to get an usher yeah you're drinking beer and i can't enjoy the movie um there's people
having fun in there oh it's a different time okay yeah it's a different time can't help myself
i love you and nobody
yeah it's a long fucking time ago when we saw Clyde Frazier at his 70th birthday
at the garden watching them and you remember what you said you were like look at his fucking look
he's just going back to those they just they just did a thing on Clyde a little documentary and they
walked him through his streets of Atlanta in his home. And he just talked about his mom and the neighborhood. And he's walking there dressed like in fucking full
fledged, like 1976. Meanwhile, it's 2020. And he was just walking down the streets and his mom
would say, oh, Clive, he's always at the court. He's always at the court. And he's just walking
down the street, man. It's so fucking cool, man. Legend, dude. Fucking legend. By the way, I got one for you.
Is there anything better than my New York Knicks going for 500 tonight, 15 and 15,
if we beat the Orlando Magic tonight?
Celtics are only a game in front of you.
I love you too much to say you know you're not playing well when you're only a game in front of the Knicks,
but you guys are playing way better.
Yeah, but you guys are going to—
You got that quickly guy. How about my Bruins? They're playing tonight,
but they lost to the Islanders, but dude, they beat your Rangers back-to-back games.
Look like two playoff games. Let's do something fun for the fans. Let's throw a little action.
All right. The Knicks are obviously overachieving, so you're going to have to give me a little bit
of a gap here. Well, I'll give you whatever you want. I'm bored out ofachieving. So you're going to have to give me a little bit of a gap here.
I'll give you whatever you want.
I'm bored out of my mind.
Whatever you want to bet.
What do you want to bet?
Oh,
Bill's just looking for action.
I just need action.
Little something to look forward to Paul.
All right.
How many games better?
What do you think,
Andrew?
Help me with this.
What do you,
how many games better will the Celtics be than the Knicks?
Let's say we got,
uh,
there's 72 games.
All-star breaks next week.
There's about 36, 37 games left.
What do you say?
The Knicks will be, what's your record right now?
Like 15, 16 and 15 or something like that.
Okay, so you're a game above.
Well, let's see if we're going to do this, Paul.
We got to make sure we know.
Let's see.
NBA standings.
The standings.
The standings. The standings. The standings.
All right.
The Celtics are 14 and 13.
Okay.
Game over.
And the Knicks.
Where the fuck are the Knicks?
The Knicks are.
Oh, you're right.
You guys are 14 and 15.
Going for 15 and 15 tonight.
So you got two games at hand.
Well, it must be COVID or some shit.
We've only played 27 games.
You've played 29.
Well, how many games are you going to give me?
Because I got a bunch of rookies.
I mean, we're just building this thing.
And you guys got.
Quit your whining.
This was your idea.
What do you want?
You just tell me what you want.
I'm being the gentleman. No, no, no. I'm being the gentleman here. I'm asking you what's fair. You was your idea. What do you want? You just tell me what you want. I'm being the gentleman.
I'm being the gentleman here. I'm asking
you what's fair. You're making excuses.
We got a bunch of rookies.
You're trying to work me for an extra fucking game,
aren't you? How many
you give me? Six?
We're going to be six games
better than you? How many games are they playing
this year?
Each other? No, no, no.
Total. I mean, they're not playing.
They're playing 72 games this year.
And when are they having the finals?
Probably May.
Didn't they
start in like fucking January?
Let's go 100 bucks.
Let's go 100 bucks. No, fuck that. We'll go to the bucks. Let's go a hundred bucks.
Now,
fuck that.
We'll go to the 200.
Wait a second.
We'll go 200.
I don't give a fuck.
I'll do more.
What do you want to do?
I want to find out like how much,
wait,
Celtics schedule.
Like,
are they really going to play 72 fucking games?
And then,
and then they're going to,
how are you going to cram all of games and then and then they're gonna how are
you going to cram all of those games in are they playing more often um for some reason this
game so paul if you want to do how many games more over it should just be the record for the
next x amount of games because it's not let's just do percentage yeah i'll give you who's going to
have a better winning percentage?
It's easier to do it that way.
All right, so right now we're like whatever the fuck we are, 513.
You guys are like 480.
What number do I need for Paul to take his cash out and put it on the table?
All right, I'll take two fucking honey out for, you know, I mean.
Paul, is there anything better than not knowing what you're talking about
and still betting on it anyway?
No, I know what I'm talking about.
You guys made a good point.
I don't.
Oh, okay.
All right.
Just fucking throw a percent.
I don't know shit about Hoop.
I think you guys are five to six games better than we are.
I think you don't have a good enough math background to say what that's going
to turn out with the winning percentage.
I think you're a hundred percent right.
So we can't bet on that.
Well, both teams are about 50, 50 now.
So that's your starting point.
How about this?
We'll just bet plus or minus Celtics.
Well, we want something that, that kind of runs here. Week to week. Cause I said, we'll just bet each other. How about this? We'll just bet. Plus or minus. Celtics. We want something that kind of runs here.
Week to week.
I was going to say, we'll just bet each other.
How about this?
We'll throw hockey in there, too.
All right?
Bruins, Rangers, Knicks, Celtics.
Okay.
I know that the Bruins just beat the Rangers twice.
I don't know what.
The Celtics haven't played the Knicks yet this year, right?
Once, I believe.
I think you guys beat us.
I think.
All right.
So here's what I'm going to do because I'm a hell of a guy.
I'm going to take one of those Ranger wins, Paul.
Yeah.
I'm going to act like it never happened.
Okay?
Okay.
All right.
The Bruins and the Celtics collectively will beat the Knicks.
Now, you know the perfect game number here is three.
The perfect over-under is three.
But I'm going to make it exciting, Paul.
Okay.
Four ties, five wins.
Collectively, we got to beat you by more than five games.
Does this sound like a fair bet, Paul?
I mean, Andrew, I'm not good at math here.
I actually don't understand what you mean by that last part.
Did it sound confident?
It sounded like I knew what I was talking about.
The Bruins, the Celtics, and the Knicks are going to play each other
a certain amount of times before the end of the season. The Bruins are going to play each other a certain amount of times before the end of the season.
The Bruins are going to play the Rangers a certain amount of times.
I'm saying that collectively, the wins the Bruins and the Celtics get
against the Rangers and the Knicks will be at least five more
than what the Knicks and the Rangers got off the Celtics.
Five more percent or five more wins?
Five more games.
We're not going to do percent.
That's going to take me – I'd have to be born again as a smart math person.
Okay.
Okay.
So total, Knicks and – I get it.
Five games total.
I'm glad you got it because I was getting to the point where I didn't care anymore.
I was just going to start betting on anything.
Let's bet on something, Paul.
I need something.
All right.
Let's bet on something. Let's bet on who's your favorite Celtic?
Who's your Celtic?
Tatum?
Oh, did you see that little move he had when he finished with the finger roll last night?
No.
Oh.
Well, him and Jalen Brown, it's their team.
Marcus Smart is out right now.
I love, what was it?
I almost said Theus, like Reggie Theus.
What's that guy's name?
Oh, I know.
T-H-E-I-S.
For some reason, I can't remember how to say his fucking name.
Andrew, can you find out when the Knicks play the Celtics again?
All right.
Well, we've lost Paul Verzi.
I think he said he's going to jump back in.
He texted me. I don't know where he is.
Where did he go?
I don't know.
I just looked up the NBA schedule there, Andrew.
Now I'm doing a podcast with you.
By the end of this pandemic, I'll have a podcast with every person in comedy.
It only has the games up to like March 2nd,
and the Celtics have already played the Knicks and we lost.
Yeah, January 17th.
Yeah.
Goddamn, Paul, he should have taken the bet.
I'm down to 7%.
I'm in the red here on my lappy top.
I'm going to give him another minute.
Did we settle on the bet? Do we know what the bet is?
No. How about
the listeners come up with whatever the
fucking bet should be.
Hashtag AB bets.
Why don't we do, we should just do
what seed you're going to be.
All you have to do is just guess
what seed your team is going to be.
Closest without going over.
I liked your first today.
I like the winning percentage from today on for the rest of both seasons,
whatever the winning percentage is.
But I was doing them playing each other.
Oh, just each other.
Yeah.
There you go.
I don't know.
We'll come up with something, everybody.
Well, you know what?
We were like March, right?
We came in with like a lion going out like a lamb.
Like a lamb, yeah.
One way or the other.
All right. Well, that's the Verzi Bill Burr podcast here.
Anything better?
Thank you guys so much for listening.
You know, Paul, he doesn't like people, so he stays up in the woods there.
I am a people person.
I live amongst all of you.
So my internet works.
All right, that's it.
We'll see you next Wednesday.
Go Celtics.
Go Bruins.
And let's see.
I got to say for him, go Knicks.
Who else is he into at this point?
Rangers.
Rangers.
We'll say Rangers.
I think he's more of an Islanders guy.
I don't know.
All right, that's it.
We'll talk to you guys next week.
Thank you so much for listening. you you you