Anything Better? - Separate Beds

Episode Date: February 5, 2022

Bill and Paul talk about sleeping habits and mentally ill people on social media. Indochino:  Give yourself a style edit that sets the tone for the rest of the year with Indochino.  Get $50 off any purchase of $399 or more by using promo code BETTER at Indochino.com.  Better Help: Join over 1 million people who have taken charge of their mental health. Get 10% off  your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHelp.com/anythingbetter

what's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast show with your host paul verzi bill burr got the greek freak andrew themless out there in california producer extraordinaire and you guys are listening to episode 51. Who do we have for 51, everybody? Oh, we got some great ones. The first one that popped into my head was Dick Butkus. And they got him at number five. By the way, Dick Butkus, 78 years old, professional football player, playing the way he did.

Good for him. All right, here we go. Number 10, Zach Diasi. Oh, giant. Yeah, you want a couple of fucking rings there. Broderick Thomas for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Alex Mack. Alex Mack, I don't know who that is, for the Falcons. Alex Mack. I don't know who that is for the Falcons. Takeo Spikes? Oh, yeah, I remember him.

Takeo Spikes, sorry. Takeo Spikes was an animal. I think he played for Buffalo. Yeah. Here's a great one. Ichiro Suzuki. Oh, my God, that's a great one. I mean, that's the Asian Thai Cobb right there. Or if not, Pete Rose, if they counted those fucking hits.

Dick Butkus. That's a great list. This is a pretty good list. You would think 51 would be a little weird. I think they get weird. The next three get weird. Randy Johnson. Willie McGee. Another great one. Randy Johnson. Willie McGee.

Another great one. The St. Louis Cardinal. Trevor Hoffman. The greatest closer other than Mariano Rivera. And number one, at number one, they have Bernie Williams, Paul. Burn, baby, burn. That's right. I love Bernie Williams, but I don't know. I think Dick Butkus.

I don't know. I think Dick Butkus or Ichiro are fucking higher than him. You know, no offense. I'm a Yankee fan, but that's, you know, Ichiro Suzuki is one of the greatest baseball. I mean, that kid had a, nobody talks about the arm that kid had, you know, who loved him? Bernie Mac. Oh, did he, did he? Yeah. Big baseball fan. I didn't know that. I saw this great clip on him talking about how much he loved ichiro dude ichiro's arm was amazing man he was just about his speed

when he would lay down that bunt he was already three steps away first base 100 100 um all right well here's the deal man i don't know how your weekend was, but, uh, Paulie got hammered on red wine. I was just, I was just sitting in front of the TV, watching football and, and watching the, the, watching the Packers who I picked going the whole way. And I just did that thing. I did where almost when the, the red Sox beat the Yankees four straight when the Yankees were winning three, nothing, I almost had that mindset of like, I will get them next time.

So like every time the Packers would be like three and out or punt, they'd be like, nah, nah, they're going to, they're going to, they're coming. They're coming sipping wine. My fucking teeth are getting red. And it just, and it just didn't happen and i was just like what you know whatever it is it is what it is but i had a good time spend time with the family um and i think i think uh everybody's getting healthy now covet has covet has i think officially knock on wood officially left the versi uh omicron is officially gone. That's hilarious. Well, it came into my house. It came into my house.

Some kid, some nanny or something gave it to some kid, gave it to my kid, and then it just went, like, through my house. But, like, dude, I feel totally fucking fine. I've been smoking cigars, like, every day, playing drums and shit. So I think that this one is like super weak compared to uh the other one no this one is just like contagious people get it quick but it's weak it's funny bill called i'm glad i didn't get that other one that other one no the other one was fucking upside down with sores on their faces and shit fuck that like I remember when Trump was just going like, it's not that bad. And then you saw him go like,

he did that painful inhale. He got frostbite on their toes. Yeah, I kept testing negative. So I was like quarantining out here going, all right, maybe I didn't get it because I went back to New York and then like

I was feeling sick and I kept fucking like it felt like i had a cold and then after two days of testing negative with that the next day i'm like guys i feel great it must have just been a cold then i tested positive um it's funny you called me up bill called me up and goes i don't know man you think i could smoke a cigar with this and i and i was like yeah't know, man. You think I could smoke a cigar with this? And I was like, yeah, you know, if you feel all right. I mean, it's what I do, Paul. It's what I do. And then I started looking up all of this shit, dude.

I don't know what to, I think both sides are lying and everybody wants to be right with this thing. You know what I mean? It's like, you know, Rogan got all that shit for that ivermectin, whatever i mean it's like you know rogan got all that shit for that ivermectin whatever the fuck it's called they sell it it's cvs and walgreen how can it be for fucking horses why is it in there it's not in japan the yeah the like prime health minister japan was talking about it like on television like you know weeks before that how like it's great and there's like yeah it's it's india what it is dude is everybody wants to be

right and people want to win they want and both sides the vaccines the anti-vaxxers and all that the real thing is like is i don't i don't want to get i don't want to get myself in the middle of this controversy but like you know it's just like there's a lot of fucking money there's a lot of credit there's a lot of pussy on the line here man everybody wants to be the guy and all of these people you see yammering about it every fucking day and all of that shit. Like there's something that's like an ego thing. I'm the guy that knows the thing that fucking does the whatever. So I don't know. I'm just glad that I just, I just fucking did, you know, wore the mask, stayed six feet away.

So I didn't get the big one. And then, I mean, what am I going to do? My kid gets it and comes home. What am I supposed to fucking walk around a beekeeper suit in my own house? It happens. Yeah. I almost did it, Paul. I went almost two fucking years without getting it.

You know, I told the company line, man. No, man. It's, uh, I, you can't, nobody knows, you know what it's like. It's like going that quarterback is great. Everybody says he sucks, but he's great. And once that quarterback starts throwing picks, you still got to stick with your thing. Very few people have the capability of going, you know what? I was wrong. I fucked up. I was wrong. Not a lot of people can do that.

How many people do you know in your life that apologize a lot or, or admit defeat a lot probably not many you gotta be i gotta be honest a lot of comics i know do that i think because we realize we're fucked up and we end up we have the time to go to therapy and also have the time to examine ourselves where everybody else has to just fucking get up go to work make the donuts we have like all day to kill a day you know you're sitting in that fucking lounge that fucking lazy boy that's busted in the comedy condo you have a lot of alone time to be like all right i keep ending up in this this spot or maybe i'm giving people too much credit listen i love my wife okay oh boy here we go i love my wife i love my wife but if you were to tell me going into marriage my wife's

apology under over was 10 i'm taking the fucking under i know you're fucking being bald and having nothing but fucking overhead lighting is the goddamn worst let me turn this fucking thing down a little bit. Jesus. Jesus, Paul. What is the world coming to here? Yeah. No, man. She's cool. My wife is actually getting better at it because I kind of called her out on it. Like, we had a, yeah, cause we were going through this shit. Right. So at one point, you know, my family's testing positive. I'm not. So I'm like, all right,

I'm trying to put this movie together. I got to stay, you know, whatever. So I went to my room by the garage. Right. So, um, you know, then she's getting mad. Like I'm out here like skirting responsibility. So she, every time we would FaceTime, she'd be like, Hey, you know, can you do this? You do that? I was like, well, I can't really do that. I can't like, you know, you got the windows open. I'll try to put a mask on or something like that. she's just like she would just fucking hang up on me she wouldn't say goodbye she just like yeah okay and she would just fucking hang up well that's a tough that's a tough one for me to handle the hang up yeah yeah so then what do i do am i an adult and say listen i know you're going through a lot of stress i just you know i just need you not to do that no what i did i went childish and I started treating her the way she was treating me.

So then eventually we have this big fucking, you know, you know, Donnie Brooke in the fucking kitchen, nothing crazy, not to the level my parents used to go, but like, you know, you know, like the parents make it to the fucking, the dad makes it to the NBA, but you only play like division two basketball that's like where our so we get into it and i was just like yeah listen i'm getting you know i go i know what you're doing okay it's passive aggressive okay and then this is how she admits that she's wrong i go i know what you're doing is passive aggressive and she goes well it's better than your're aggressive, aggressive. It's just like, all right. Yeah. I'm aggressive, aggressive,

but that has nothing to do with what we're talking about. You're just trying to spin it over here. Right. Right. So then she just walked out of the room and I was like, is that what an adult does? out of the room and I was like, is that what an adult does? These are all things you shouldn't say. But I'll tell you, my wife is a sweetheart. She did come back. She said, all right, I am sorry, but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Whenever she does that, I go, okay, apology accepted. Yeah. Why is that so hard for you? Yeah, no, I, yeah, it's tough. I don't know why it's hard to get that. It's not, it's not a woman thing though. I'm not blaming my wife cause she's a woman. I'm blaming her because she's arrogant.

No, you know, I think when you marry a, I need a hat or something, this is the shiniest my Ford has ever fucking look. I'm waiting for you to be tan after this. Get those fucking, get that B12. I will tell you, there's something I have enjoyed while I was quarantining. I've been sleeping by myself and oh my

God. Like the dumbest thing ever is when you get married that you have to sleep in the same bed with them. Sleeping in the same bed with another person is it guaranteed you lose 40 minutes sleep every night unless you got a king you gotta have a king i got a king somebody's snoring somebody's moving somebody takes the fucking we're not meant the only time you should sleep with somebody else if you're afraid of freezing to death you need each other's

warmth and you have to push through the homophobia just to survive just sitting there shivering hold on we never talk about this uh that's fucking hilarious yo our dog sleeps in our bed but he's so fucking cool that he waits for us to be out cold and have our position and then he gets real small where he can and if we move he gets up and adjust it's the fuck he's the best he's the least of the problems now my dog rest rest her solo cleodio she used to jump up would love to come up on the bed she'd be all up in us and everything like that but when then when she wanted to go to sleep she would she was just like all right enough cuddle time she would stand up and she would walk to the foot of the bed walk around like three circles and then even she was just like

and they're pack animals yeah yeah now that's the one thing i kind of got out of this because you know there are people that are like uh married and they sleep in separate rooms and i used to think like that was the beginning of the end, which it could be. But I don't necessarily think it's that. All right, everybody. It is better help. What interferes with your happiness? Is something preventing you from achieving your goals?

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if needed. That's actually good because I had counselors that I did not like. I used to have a guy looking at the clock. I'm like, alright, I gotta stop coming here at the end of the day. It's more for... Is my trauma boring you? I remember one time telling a guy stuff and he goes, wait, so like, have you met Dangerfield?

Like he was so enamored with comedy. Oh yeah, that happens all the fucking time. So what does it feel like when you go out there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Suicidal. Not as bad as it felt like for the reason that I'm doing it. We can get back to that if you don't mind. As bad as it felt like for the reason that I'm doing it.

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people who have taken charge of their mental health. Again, that's betterhelp.com slash anything better for 10% off your first month. All right. Next up it's all lindo chino um whether it's finding a signature color wearing a more flattering cut or getting a new statement piece the right detail can make your ward can take your wardrobe up a notch uh this year let indochino take care of your 2022 style edit you can customize everything from suits and shirts to chinos and bomber jackets at prices more affordable than you might expect indochino offers completely customized uh custom fitted suits shirts casual wear and more at surprisingly affordable prices. Get a wardrobe personalized to your style, Paul, and taste. Nice.

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B-E-T-T-E-R, at Indochino.com. That's $50 off a purchase of $399 at I-N-D-O-C-H-I-N-O.com. Hey, it worked. Promo code better. I actually think there's something, it's kind of nice because my wife was going like, have you been sleeping really well since Omicron?

And I'm like, yeah, I have, but I go, I don't think it's because of that and i'm not trying to downplay omicron either like you know my wife had you know last night all of a sudden she got like super exhausted um you know so i i for whatever reason dude it's probably because i'm german irish this whole thing both vac shots and the thing i've never gotten sick but we also plow through dude let's be honest dude omicron is a fucking beta male okay the first one was an alpha that just came in fucking throwing haymakers omicron is just a fucking nerdy guy okay sorry i'll be out of your way soon

yeah covid19 was that tyson liver shot followed by the uppercut. Yeah, I'm going to call this Glass Joe from Tyson's Punch Out. You're going to get rid of it. It's quick. It's easy. I guess they're saying that, I don't know. Who knows what the fuck they're talking about. I also think, too, I what the fuck they're talking about. I also, I also, this is another thing too.

I allow people to be wrong about shit. It's brand new. I love when people are like, well, they fucking said this three months ago. Now they're saying that it's like, yeah, it's new. This is our first trip around,

you know, the fuck can you cut him some slack? It's like all these fucking mouth-breathing morons acting like they're gonna figure it out or they would have done a better job i can tell you this paul working on a couple of projects yeah trying to get five comedians to all pull in the same direction is fucking impossible forget about having 500 million people all being like, okay, this is what the fuck we're doing, dude. I have an uncle, Italian uncle, hilarious. Right. And as soon as something comes on the news, he knows exactly.

I remember when that Malaysian plane, when that Malaysian plane, that Malaysian plane disappeared. My uncle just goes, no, no, you know what they did. Right. I go, no, what'd they do? He goes, they took it. Okay. They probably killed everything. They're going to use that as a fucking bomb against us. That's what they're doing. And he was, he said it, dude, he said it as if he got Intel. He said, but I will give him this dude. This is true story. Doctor told my uncle, my uncle's hilarious, dude. Good dude, too. Doctor told my uncle he had 18 months to live. I swear to God, 2009. Doctor told my uncle he had 18 months to live. Sat him down, told him, you know, yeah, we'll make him comfortable.

you know, you know, yeah, we'll make them comfortable. And he just goes, nah, he goes, nah, nah, nah. He goes, I'm going to live. I just, you know, I got a lot of life to live. It's just, it's just not going to happen. And, and, uh, he's alive. He's alive today. And when you talk to him, yeah, nah, nah. It's like, and like, but here's the thing too, that, you know, that a lot of people have those stories. Doctor said I'd never walk again. Doctor said I'd never play baseball again, blah, blah. They diagnose the worst.

Right. Because people are so happy and they don't want to get sued, so anything looks like an improvement. Right. You said I wouldn't fucking be able to do this. Look at me. I can wiggle my fingers and they hey you proved me wrong not gonna sue me that's what it is no they they have to do

it especially with screening like when i got misdiagnosed with that thing in my neck it it was an exact it looked exactly like it it mimicked it so then a specialist goes no no it's dilation from your injury but they had they told me that the reason they had to tell me that was because if they don't and i do have that i can it's a big lawsuit so yes you're right exactly because this is the thing they're not allowed to be wrong ever and everybody else can come walking in there like i can't imagine what it's like to be a doctor, especially now or somebody who, whatever the job is, where you look through a fucking microscope and try to figure out how to, how to kill a virus before it kills everybody else. Right. I can't imagine what

it's like for them. I mean, it's hard enough as a comedian to have somebody who isn't funny telling you why what you're doing isn't funny i just can't i mean but i'm just an idiot right i worked in a warehouse whatever i i mean those most of the people that come up to me are me you know but if you're like that level is smart and someone like me some buffalo wild wings fucking idiot comes up okay well here's here's what i don't understand they gotta sit there um i want to hear from doctors i wonder if they lie now what do you do for a living i would just be like yeah yeah yeah i build websites yeah well you know what i noticed bill about something i noticed that and and this has been talked about before but

social media has given a platform to a lot of mentally ill and mentally sick people and and a lot of these people when they go to comedy shows and they complain you know somebody saw me at a club last week and said that they had the misfortune of seeing paul verzi um perpetuate asian yeah had had the misfortune of watching Paul Verzi. I love the misfortune. I had the misfortune. I had the misfortune of watching Paul Verzi perpetuate Asian racism and on his quote unquote, you know, pandemic jokes.

And like everybody knew the joke that I did was the lunacy and actual ridiculousness of punching Asian people in the face. And these people actually took it. And I realized something. And of course I didn't respond, but I know you can't, you can't play the character of the dummy, the dumb racist guy against Asians, because they're going to think that it's you saying it because they're too fucking stupid to realize it, even though everybody else gets it. If yeah, but it if yeah but but to to say that joke in new york city and have everybody laugh including asian people and then having somebody like that say that i realize like oh that's a sick individual that person is mentally ill that person is not

that person is not okay like the things that they were saying they had to be kicked out of the comedy club because of other things they were saying and then the people at the comedy club just go, all these people were just couldn't be talked to. And I'm like, Oh, that's somebody. I don't know if that person's mentally ill, but self-involved. Something. Attention freak. I mean, that's a new way to get attention. It used to be like some of them.

I'm going to fucking keep yelling at the comedian until he trashes me. So the focus is on me and I'll, I'll make the show better. Like those idiots idiots like the the uh narcissist like i need to come in here and help the comedian out by being disruptive like that i remember all the time yeah i made the show bet hey you're gonna give me a little props here for helping you out up there right it's like it's like do you think i showed up with no act and i was just praying to god someone with your wacky shirt would show up and say something dumb yeah but no it's it's it's crazy it's it's actually something that i go okay wow like

that's where we're at it's what it is you know it's if you did a joke about i wish i you know the the joke what's his name like jim norton had a joke he goes the the option of knowing i could kill myself is very soothing that would be like somebody going well what do you so there's a suicide hotline people fucking are trying to do like why would you and like actually think that like he's like almost promoting it it's a fucking it's it's lunacy's lunacy, dude. I think. Yeah. They come in. I just want you to know my friend just killed himself last weekend. Exactly. All right. Well then, you know who did it. So stop yelling at me. Like I pulled the trigger. You think I don't have any friends that killed themselves?

Yeah. Uh, Oh, Bill, things are getting crazy out there, man. That's why my circle's getting even smaller, Bill. Pretty soon. I'm going to be talking to my family, you and them. Yeah, I mean, I'm really hoping that, you know, it was bad. None of us behaved properly during this. We all were yelling at each other, myself included. So, I mean, we got to stop this whole fucking just screaming and yelling. Like, it's not even this covid shit because they're going to get past this i mean just like this fucking

political stuff like i one of the last videos i watched last night on youtube was some guy you know i wanted to see it because somebody went on was was on CNN trashing Joe Biden and they couldn't refute him. So that seemed funny to me because you know that they want to back them. And, you know, so they were calling them out for being, you know, you know, not doing the job. So I was like, I want to watch this, but I couldn't get to the guy's narrative. He goes to CNN. He goes, you know, sit there and act like they're like a news channel. It's just like, buddy, you can say that about all of them.

All of them. CNN, Fox, it's the same fucking thing. Like, I guess, you know, it's funny. Fox News, I guess, went to court and got out of something because they said that they're an entertainment channel right and that's out there and then when people defend fox news they still go freedom of the press because they're like if they're just an entertainment thing why are they at the white house both both channels have um have used that uh rachel maddow i think years ago and i'll check great so then why are they at a press conference for either a Democratic or a Republican? You shouldn't be there.

Right. Isn't it all? If it's all entertainment, nobody's an expert. Nobody knows. No, no. But like, I mean, New York Times is not saying, or the Washington Post, I got a picture, pick a fucking conservative one. So now people go offended.

Pick a conservative one. Like now people are going to get all offended. Pick a conservative one. Like, they are considered news. Right? But, like, if you're going to say that you're entertainment, why are you asking? You know what they should do at the press conference before Fox or CNN asks a question? They should play the E! Entertainment. So what are you going to do in the ukraine who do you think's harder the president prime minister of canada or vladimir fucking putin in

his his heyday yeah no it's uh it's amazing how stupid people are it's amazing how brainwashed people are and it's amazing mario lopez for cnn i'll tell you maybe feel old you know that kid's 47 fucking years old who mario lopez the kids from saved by the bell are pushing 50 wow that's scary dude nah dude we're dude we're gonna be 60 tomorrow it's fucking over dude i'll be 60 soon i gotta be honest with you dude though i'm i am i am i fucking getting old is awesome if you don't fight it it's the shit it's fucking amazing i don't give a fuck and i think looking like looking your age is cool compared to the option you know what i mean dressing your age looking your age is the fucking shit the only time aging sucks is when you're fighting it

look at you paul i see paul does not like it no no i don't like uh i don't like your head you you doing the stevie wonder no i don't i don't like the i don't like the physical shit with it man i don't like the things that hurt that used to not hurt i don't like that i don't like bending down and feeling your diet stretch and do yoga drink plenty of water you know what you're supposed to be doing you're supposed to sit around watching a football game drinking a bunch of wine like a pirate you know you're not supposed to be doing that you should have a patch over your eye on sunday no i'm losing weight though i look good no i'm losing weight hey paul you know i can't tell you got a big fucking you're looking at your

second trimester with that big baggy thing on there no no no dude i'm doing good i'm doing the fucking that's my favorite thing it's coming down dude if this lost weight everyone would have six six but i do that every morning when i look at my stomach that's not bad um i'm gonna tell you what i'm gonna do i gotta jump off here paul i got something in like two minutes here i um yeah me too I um I'm gonna own a restaurant this is my this is my out I'm gonna get the money and I'm gonna get I'm gonna get a restaurant you know Paulie's Paulie's place something I'm making a piece once a week all the regulars get a piece of pie I'll sit with them talk with them for a while oh yeah oh yeah how's everybody how the kids doing can't make an appearance once a week. If you own a restaurant, you're

going to be out of business. Everyone's going to be stealing from the cash register. You're going to make an appearance once a week, but you'll be back in your fucking Tony Soprano house with the security cameras looking at all. Stace, come in there. Come here. Did he just put his hand in the register? What did he just put in there there i know i didn't trust this fuck um all right man well listen we uh we will be back this one we had to cut a little short just because of time constraints but we wanted to give you the people something today we will be back next week uh with uh episode number 52 please check out the check out the anything better podcast, February 4th and 5th.

I'm in Fairfield, Connecticut and one night only February 24th. I'm at the Pittsburgh improv for all other shows like Tampa, like Texas, like Rhode Island, go to paulversey.com and enjoy football championship. Are the Bengals going to shock the world? Joe Burrow.

Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. All right, we'll talk to you next week. Thank you. Bye.