Anything Better? - She's Still In There

Episode Date: June 4, 2022

s there Anything Better than Bill & Paul watching old men flip their shit? MERCH: https://silkshopstores.com/anythingbettermerch/shop/home

what's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast with your host paul bursey bill burke producer andrew themless and you guys are listening to episode 63. Hope everybody's doing good in between shows. And now we need to find out, Bill, who's number 63? Oh, Paul, I'll tell you, this is a rough one. I'll tell you, it's a rough one. All right. The greatest NFL players that wore 63. Oh, Gene Upshaw. Holy shit. I should have known that y.a tittle y.a tittle is a quarterback who was 63. uh willie lanier the great kansas city chief dick stanfell derm der monte dawson leroy selman moots his brother's name that's a great name Dewey Selman Leroy and Dewey

Selman put the Tampa Bay Buccaneers along with Doug Williams on the map Mike Munchak let's go basketball this is Slim Pickens there's a guy oh my god there was a guy named Cody Clark what that was a guy he's born. Well, that was a guy. He was born in 1992. He's probably still playing in Europe. Played college at Arkansas. He wore 63. That's a weird basketball number.

NHL, Brad Marchand, one of the greatest to ever do it. Tyler Ennis. Mike Ribeiro. And then we get Charlie. Charlie Coyle. When the fuck did he wear? He wears 13. What are they talking about here?

We'll say Brad Marchand. And then in the MLB. I don't recognize it. Winston Abreu. I remember that name. Austin Adams. If you click the word says years, you can sort it by years for how long they were in the league.

And then you find more relevant players. There's actually a bunch of guys that wore 63 and for the love of God, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not sifted through all of this. We're going to stop at Tyler Ivy. Yeah, that's a good place. I'm not sifted through all of this. We're going to stop at Tyler Ivy. If you said Astros. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good place. Gene Upshaw, Willie Lanier, Brad Marchand.

I mean, Brad Marchand's not in the Hall of Fame yet, but he will be. Well, Bill, speaking of the NBA, a congratulations is in order to you and you, Andrew Themlis, for your Boston Celtics are now in the, not only the Eastern Conference Finals, but now in the NBA Finals against the Golden State Warriors. When was the last time that happened? Celtics versus the Warriors in the finals. I'm going to throw a fucking.

Oh, wait, no, I'm wrong. I'm wrong. The Celtics, the Warriors won in between the Celtics won in 74 and 76 and the Warriors won in 75. Oh, dude, I was going to guess 74 even though it's wrong. That was the number that came to my head. Oh, you're looking good.

I'm trying, man. No, uh... He's working the arms he's eating well look at you you look good dude no no booze for five weeks

no cigars for six you know that'll do it that'll do it man um oh it's hard though it's hard when somebody invites you to a pool party

on Memorial Day and everybody's got the booze flowing and old Paulie's drinking Poland Spring wait you went to a yeah but how how great do you feel

when you start watching people getting all banged up? I got to tell you, that's a really cool point. And I'm glad you brought that up. When you're sober, dude, you just watch assholes and you watch adults turn into assholes. And then you realize I was that fucking asshole. I was that guy yelling or saying stupid shit. And, and then I start thinking, you know what, that guy or woman's going to be in a hangover in about 12 hours. And Paul, he's going to be fucking skipping down the fucking, you know,

driving away from the party and not worrying about getting pulled. You actually want to get pulled over. Let me get pulled over when I'm stone sober. How you doing officer? Never touch this stuff. Bill, I wish your mother fucking would pull me over. You want me to walk the line? I'll fucking walk the line.

Frontward, backwards. I got this shit. I'll fucking moonwalk the line. The guy give a fuck. Yeah, dude. I it's, you know, what sucks though is like when people go, you're still not drinking. Like you almost get like guilt. Like I almost, like it was literally adult peer pressure where they were like, you're still not, dude, you can have a drink now. Right. And I was like, no, that has to do with them. They want you. They don't

want to be making a mistake by themselves. That's why chicks go to brunch they all want to overeat together makes them feel better that's a good they don't feel as guilty it's like they know their girlfriend's getting fatter too and they're both blowing up the gym that day guy's version of that i think is boozing it up come on bottomless mimosas bitches oh they throw down. Women go to places where they have a fountain. It's food coming from a fountain. You just stick their muzzles

right underneath it. Oh, dude, is there anything better than going for a walk and you run into a horse that comes up and says hi to you? Like a goddamn fairy tale. That happened to me in the valley yesterday. What? I was going for a walk, editing this movie, and I was trying to, you know,

your fucking brain gets ready to explode. Which, by the way, dude, we're doing this scene that has one of my good buddies. I don't want to spoil it. Spoiler alert here. There's going to be some familiar faces in there. It's looking pretty good. So me and my buddy who wrote wrote it with me we went um we wrote the thing we went we went for a walk and we went down an alley and it was near like this horse and all of a sudden there was just this freaking horse there

i came walking over it thought i had like food there's all these signs you know don't feed the the horses but you know i had a little bit of a uh i had a rubin left you know it's not bad for a horse right give a little bite i didn't do that uh i was trying to think of the worst thing you could feed a horse oh you give a fucking rubin oh that's great that's great i would give my wife the last bite but her nose isn't as soft as this muzzle dude a horse's muzzle is anything softer than that paul dude how beautiful and majestic is a fucking horse dude up dude a horse is fucking unbelievable animal man as long as they're taken care of they can also be the one of the mangiest things you've ever seen in your fucking life is there anything

worse than someone who doesn't take care of their horse or animal is there anything worse than somebody that doesn't take care of their horse? Or animal. Is there anything worse than somebody that doesn't take care of their animals? Terrible. It's all you need to know about a person. Dude, I had, you know, I always thought, you know, I would like when, I was going to say when I got older, I am old. When I get even older, Paul, like if I ever had like just time off, I just had fucking money to get the fuck out of here, get out of this goddamn business i would actually have a horse farm adopt horses right treat them like gold and then never ride

them like your saddle days are over just let them fucking run around you know get the coats all shiny yeah i'm out there every morning with the fucking Quaker Oats and the carrots. They all come fucking running. Dude, you can do that. I can't do that. You would have been a good basketball coach. I can't do that. You know what? It took me 20 minutes on the road. I put on a YouTube video. I was sick of not being able to do it. I was just sick of it. I also hate it. I could do it like this,

but I hate it because it's unsanitary. Yeah, those guys that used to go like... Yeah, they do it like that. It's gross. What the hell? Oh my God. Yeah, it takes you like... No, it's also great. if you got more than one kid

you need a whistle i learned that i've said this before on the podcast you know hey knock it off that's some 70s dad shit yeah it is don't make me come over there if i gotta get up out of this chair you're not gonna like it oh dude and all the moms would laugh Don't make me come over there. I got to get up out of this chair. You're not going to like it. Oh, dude. And all the moms would laugh. They'd all fucking laugh. It's like, I'm going to physically abuse you.

It used to be when your father comes home. Now it's like when your father comes home, my kids are like, yes, he's coming home. I know. Your father is home. He's on a fucking Zoom call losing coming home. I know your father is home. He's on a fucking zoom call, losing his shit. Yeah. Oh no. My kids, my, you know, my daughter will walk in the room and be like, dad.

Oh, when you're losing your shit. No. When, when, when Stacy's losing her shit, my daughter will just walk up and be like, Dad, you know, I gotta be careful because I can't be like, I know. Tell me about it. You take him around the corner, you grab by his

little lapels. Don't ever get married. I got this, Stacy. You gotta just... Listen, when they flip out, you just gotta let them run. Let that horse run, and you can walk know, dude. You got to just. Listen, when they flip out, you just got to let them run. Let that horse run, and you can walk them back to the barn a little later. It's part of her day. It's part of her day.

You know, every month they have these, you know, five, six days where they're not going to be like the mom you know. Okay? But just know she's still in there. She is in there. Oh, that's fucking great i can't i can't say it because i i'm literally the uh i'm the guy you saw it you saw it this morning paul i completely i had like a fucking uh earl weaver meltdown this fucking shit i would give anything anything in the world to see Bill Burr as a baseball manager in the MLB in a big playoff series and a bad call comes out. Oh, just once.

You know what? I would surprise you. I would surprise you. You'd have a couple of classics. I would have a couple of classics, but it would have to be like a regular season game. But like, I also, I don't bite the hand that feeds. would have a couple of classics but it would have to be like a regular season game but like i also i don't bite the hand that feeds i'm not getting on the bad side of these guys all right i'm ownership the guy owns the fucking team starts fucking with my contract says some

shit in the fucking newspaper then i'm blowing a gasket yeah but if i if i fucking uh i know i'd be this guy you know that guy that comes out there he's kind of like talk to him so he's they always look over to where the thing happened where the bad call was you know made and he kind of sitting there i'd be that guy yeah but i was like the way, I was like the way Joe Torrey did it. Yeah. He only blew a gasket in all of Joe tour 12 years. I would say I saw him blow a gasket maybe two, three times. You know, it would probably get you cause I know it would get me is when the ump calls you by the first name. Cause I've seen this before where they just go, Joe,

get out of my face, Joe, go back to the dugout, Joe, Joe. I don't even want to hear it when they start doing that shit. That's when I would be like, I go, what do you mean? I want to fucking hear it, I don't even want to hear it. When they start doing that shit, that's when I would be like, I'd go, what do you mean you don't want to fucking hear it? You're fucking blowing a call. You're like, that's when I would, like, I don't, you know, when they would just defer complete responsibility. Okay, Mike. Okay, Mike.

Yeah, dude, I know you, Bill. If they went to you, Bill, Bill, nobody wants to hear it, Bill. Get back in the dugout. You would fucking lose. You'd go, of course you don't want to hear it. I wouldn't want to hear it either if I made a call like that. Yeah. You just get to opt out when you make a bad call, and now you don't want to hear it. I wouldn't want to hear it either if I made a call like that. Yeah. You just get to opt out.

What, you make a bad call and now you don't want to hear it? What did you think was going to happen? What, did you go out drinking last night? That just reminded me. You know, these kids are out here putting their heart and soul in this game. Get out of two hair and go, and you took it away from them. Oh, dude. His parents are up in the stands.

All right, Mike. One of the best one was the Mets guy. Hey, hey, hey. Mike doesn't want to hear it. One of the best guys was the Mets guy. He goes, oh, you got to give us a chance. Oh, Andrew, can we pull that up? Can you just pull up? Mets manager says you got to give us a chance oh Andrew can we pull that up can you just pull up

Mets manager says you gotta give us a chance he goes you gotta give us and then they put his hand on him and he fucking started going at him dude it's a great one it's one of my favorite ones because the way he did it made the guy think like you know what maybe this is one-sided he goes um it was he goes oh you gotta give us a chance you got this isn't right it was great um it was probably weaver's the best one yeah you came out here today for one goddamn reason what's that earl to fuck us earl weaver thought this guy you know what I'm going to do today? I'm going to go out and fuck Earl Weaver

and the Baltimore Orioles. Oh, that's so fucking great. That's a good one. What you see, though, is the umpire was just tired of his shit because he always came at him. He, ah, shut up, Earl. That's the thing.

Earl Weaver was like the, what's his name? Rasheed That's the thing. Earl Weaver was like the, what's his name? Rasheed Wallace of the NBA. Like Rasheed Wallace was a guy that was like going to get a technical every game. No. Rasheed Wallace told the truth. That was his problem. He told the truth to those piece of shit NBA fucking referees.

Those fucking cunts called reputation fouls on that guy in 2009 and took a fucking ring away from him and had the other team shoot fucking free throws to win a championship in a game seven. Disgusting. Yeah. There wasn't one, but the team that won, there was, I guess I would say Metta World Peace hitting that three-pointer.

That was it. None of their stars was it. None of their stars showed up. None of them fucking played. And I watched him taking fucking unguarded free throws. You know, Paul, what I like about when I watch a championship game, the last thing I want to see is competition. What I like to see is unathletic people getting in the way of it, pulling back on the fucking reins. I fucking hate the officiating in the NBA. Straight across the board. And my team's in the finals.

The way they dictate the fucking pace of the game, those fucking little striped-shirted ego fucking maniacs, or the league tells them to do it. Oh, here it is. This is it. This is great. Check this one out. Not as great as that guy's hair. Jesus Christ. Give me some of that.

Can you put it up a little? Take him. Take him. Terry. Terry. Terry. Terry. Terry. Terry. Terry. Terry. Terry. Get a handle. Come on. Let's go. Come on. Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. Then, that's fucking bullshit. You know it. Then you talk to me about that. I know what you're doing. You gotta give us a shot.

You know what? You gotta give us a shot, Tom. Listen to me and let me hear what I'm saying, okay? You get your shot. You had your shot right there in the situation. Well, why not? You know the situation, Tommy. Why don't we get a shot, Tommy?

Because that makes it worse. Terry, that makes it fucking worse. I know it. But MLB did nothing to that guy. Nothing. I can't control that, Tommy. That makes it worse. Terry, that makes it fucking worse. I know it. But MLB did nothing to that guy. Nothing. I can't control that, Terry. I can't control that. You know it's... Oh, he's starting to win. Terry, you know where I stand on the whole fucking

situation. You're better than that, Tommy. You know that. You're better than that, Tommy. Your ass is in the jackpot now. Okay? Okay? I'm just telling you. Why do they have to stand so close to each other they're screaming you can hear you got everything out oh that's great though that's great though you're better than that tommy you gotta give us a shot you gotta do it and then but then you did

you hear what he said he goes the mlb did nothing to that guy he goes you know i can't do anything about that that was fucking that's one of my favorite ones, dude. It's one of those honest. What was he talking about, roids? He was talking about the call that the guy went against. He goes, MLB did nothing for that. And he goes, you know, I can't control that now. Now I can't control that.

Oh, what are you saying? They did nothing. What is he talking about? I guess the guy did something and the MLB didn't do anything to him. I don't think it was roids, but it was something. So who knows? You got to give us a shot. Tommy. You got to give us a shot. I love it. Cause, cause you know, it was cool. That one too.

The ump was cursing. You know, I can't fucking do anything about it. I can't believe he's going, you cocksucker. And they didn't throw him out right then oh i think he was thrown though no oh i don't i didn't i don't know i think he might have been i think he might have been thrown and then and then the gasket gets blown oh that's yo lou panella i'll murder your whole family you're out of here what'd i say no what'd i say he suck my cock, I'll murder your family. He goes, that's it, you're right. What? What did I say? Semi-pro.

For the people that don't know, semi-pro. Oh, that was great. They called the travel on Will Ferrell doing like a hook. And he goes, suck my cock, I'll murder your family. I'll murder your whole family. That's it, you're right. And then he just goes, what I said. your whole family. That's it. You're ready. And then you just go, what I said. Oh, shit, man.

All right, everybody. It's Masterclass. With Masterclass, you can learn from the world's best minds anytime, anywhere, and at your own pace. Learn to barbecue from Aaron Franklin. Skateboarding from Tony Hawk. Is there any other skateboarder?

There's a couple. I mean, Jesus Christ. Can Tony Hawk give somebody else a little time on the fucking deck here? He's going to do it at like fucking 75. The guy's like 90 fucking years old. I know, I know i love tony hawk i'm fucking with you but how about a fucking uh anthony rizzo every once in a while um learn songwriting and

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You know what? Tony Hawk is the Pavarotti of skateboarding. Like if they say name an opera singer, you go Pavarotti. Give me another one. You're like, I'm saying for the casual fan that he's transcended the entire sport. Hope it sounds like I'm complimenting him because I'm in a fucking mood right now i am complimenting him all right so now is it my turn to read oh diet smoke hey it's diet smoke everybody you sick of getting fat uh get high with diet smoke thc gummies jesus paul i could use a fucking handful of those oh i could use a gummy right

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Even in states where cannabis is not, order it online. They have a great deal going on for our listeners. Go to dietsmoke.com and use the promo code BETTER for 20% off all their THC gummies. That's dietsmoke.com, promo code BETTER for 20% off. Go to dietsmoke.com and use the promo code BETTER to get 20% off dietsmoke THC gummies. quote better to get 20 off diet smoke thc gummies so that manager was losing his shit and he was trying to rip the phone out of the court to throw it you ever see that this team's on like a losing streak and these fat fuck sports writers are just sitting there with like their dorito faces you know cheese doodle dust on their chest going why why did you leave him in so long and he just it

was like just two straight weeks of it of these fucking guys questioning everything that he did and he wasn't winning so he had to sit there and listen to it he finally couldn't fucking take it anymore and he just yeah he clears his desk and then he grabs the phone and it was still plugged in so he had to get us you fucking threw it oh i love when somebody snaps i love it paul oh my god kids around then you know lou panella had some lou panella had some classics sweet lou he had some classics oh and and billy you never want that guy to get his hands on you that guy is he's like he's like fucking old he's like dust bowl strong you know what i mean he looks like he's lived through some shit

we saw him at the masters he looked great though yeah he did he didn't he looked happy selling everything and i was i was i mean that's a fucking legend man dude yes i gave him a loop i had to i was one of those guys one of those yankees i wish the red sox had that guy was just he's the one who replaced reggie when billy martin took him out because he thought he was uh he dogged it either on a fly or a running down the first whatever it was it's a helicopter down to first, whatever it was. Was that a helicopter?

Yeah, that's an A-star, Paul. That's the cops. There was a bad accident down here a little while ago. Oh, Lou Piniella. Lou Piniella could get in it. I'll leave the field when he tells me what he threw me out for. We gotta go. I don't have to go. You gotta go. Yes, you gotta go now. What did I say? Jesus, you're

goddammit being an embarrassment to professional baseball being like that. Wally, please. It is right. Wally, please, let's go. First fucking time you've ever fucking umpired in professional baseball? Wally. Am I right?

No, no. Wally, let's go. Please. Fucking joke. He's coming back, dude. Like a sequel. That's too simple. He's thinking

the wheels are turning. He'll go to Stevie, he'll go to second. Move. Stevie will go to left. Stevie will go to short. Johnny to second. That's a fucking joke.

I thought it was over. Look, every bat. Oh, wow. Wally Backman. You dumb motherfuckers. Wally Backman you dumb motherfuckers you dumb motherfuckers you piece of shit he's just making a mess

I like how he had to kind of like do it that was like Clemens through the piazza oh he's laughing in the background look at the woman trainer laughing oh yeah dude you think I don't hear the laughter

every time I snap always makes me feel good at least I'm putting on a show. Yeah, but here's the thing. He's still doing it. Oh, that's great. Have a beer, Doc. What did he say? He had a great closing line.

He made that kid laugh. What did he say? Go have a beer? Now, here's my question. Who cleans that up? Boys and Doc's spot. now here's my question who cleans that out uh boys in doc spot he's getting for doc i like how he gets all calm when he starts telling talking to his assistant manager dude that was dude this guy threw out like 25 bats and like 30 balls that's you clean that, you piece of shit.

Oh, man. Yeah, how do they sort that out? I guess a bat boy or a bat girl's got to do that. They can't. The umps don't do that. Doc. God, I'm going we tore my nail off. Huh?

Hey. Hey. No players are picking that shit up. I'll tell you that right now. That's him. Yeah. No players are picking that shit up. I'll tell you that right now. That's him. Yeah. No players are picking that shit up. I'll tell you that right now.

Dude, where are they playing? This looks like a field I would play at. There's like no fucking stands. There's nobody there. He's got some in there. This guy won't see me. I'll just walk up this way. Go grab him for him would you

oh that's great that's fucking i saw a lot of myself there paul i'm not gonna lie to you ah i'm not gonna lie to you all right you were doing you're doing good dude you're doing good you had a little bit you know listen you had a little fucking it happens everyone you had a little hiccup dude i haven't snapped like that in fucking a month at least i can't remember my wife actually said it to me she goes you've been like really like calm lately oh it's nice i know but then she's just like yeah it's kind of like unsettling like she felt like some huge thing was going it's like can you just say announcement yeah can you just say the fucking nice thing i don't know um no i bet yeah i've been doing all right but doing all right other than this computer shit i just want to be able to come out here turn the fucking thing on and do my jokes

and leave paul i think i've spent enough money i think i've bought enough fucking microphones i got fucking wires all over the i'm ready to start throwing this shit like that guy i have fucking nine million it's unbelievable the amount of shit i have here dude it's it's like it's ridiculous uh dude if you just started throwing mics throwing laptops nobody clean that up nobody clean that your kids come down daddy what are you doing nobody clean that up huh is this your first day on the Geek Squad? Is it? Just stomping through Best Buy? Oh, shit, man.

No, it is frustrating, dude. You know what gets me? No Wi-Fi. Oh, dude, that's when you see Paulie. I'm an even keeled guy. I can't get Wi-Fi in a place. I just start going, is there somebody? I need to fucking use this i do now i start to snap and then i

apologize to the person like i'm driving my car ah look at this fucking cocksucker and i'll be i've done that before it's a nice move you know that's somebody that's somebody's daughter i'm sorry yeah you're like the nicest mad guy you're like the nicest angry. I'm sorry. Yeah, you're like the nicest mad guy. You're like the nicest angry guy. I'm sorry. You know, that's coming from somewhere else. No, I did that like three times on the way home. Like, I just, you know, I'm under a lot of stress.

You know, fucking pressure cooking right now. Yeah. Deadlines and all of this shit so i go to order something i didn't know what the fuck i was trying to order i can't figure out how to do it i'm trying to figure it out finally my wife figures out how to do it and it goes through i'm like great one less thing i ordered that shit that i fucking need two seconds later i get a text message going fraud alert it didn't go through if this was you say yes but then you have to go through the whole process again I just go what the fuck and I slam my hand down you know yeah and then I you know and then I'm the asshole right like

so then I fucking apologize to everybody and all all I just said was just, you know, what the fuck, which I guess to other people that's bad. But from the way I grew up, that's like, you know. Yeah. What the fuck is normal? It's like a, you know, it's like, what's going on here? It's just, there's nothing really, unless you direct it at somebody. You know what you sound like right now? What?

You sound like my attorney in mad court just going like oh yeah i mean what what ladies and gentlemen jury what the fuck i mean that's not bad i mean it wasn't directed towards anybody did he throw anything were the veins popping out i mean what the fuck i mean i mean i probably say that seven times a day i don't even say it in anger i can't find a little little twisty tie to put it back on the bread i'm like i say it to myself what the fuck well that you know what it's funny you said that that's what gets me that's what gets me you could ask stacy the one thing that i cannot handle

is losing something when I just put it right there it was right there it was right there and no I don't know that's a great name for a sketch what it was it was right there it was right there I left it there you have a fucking whatever you just write a story and in the obstacle is nobody in this story, just this guy, keep losing shit. That's my pet peeve, dude. That and, you know, my friends make fun of me, Bill. You saw it a little bit, but you're on the West Coast. They say I'm a little short in a restaurant when drinks don't come.

So, like, I'll be sitting there and we'll be talking. I'll have a drink and we'll talk and like seven minutes go by. And I just go like, I go like, can anybody, did anybody? That's it. You whisper yell.ul whispers yeah he's like what the fuck are they fucking but it's weird there's a tent but there's a tension to it because when you do it i always feel like all right paul paul relax they're gonna get the drinks that's what yeah yes dude that's people that are making your food and drinks that is so perfect that's me. When I get upset, I just go like, can anybody fucking, can anybody fucking, we've been here seven minutes. I told Lucas the other day, I go,

buddy, if they don't come in five minutes, we're getting up and we're walking out. And he goes, really, dad? I go, if they don't come in five minutes, I go, this is completely disrespectful. We didn't even get waters. We've been sitting here for eight minutes. I go, if they don't come back in five minutes, we're leaving. And he goes, really, dad? And I go, this is completely disrespectful. We didn't even get waters. We've been sitting here for eight minutes. I go, if they don't come back in five minutes, we're leaving. And he goes, really, dad? And I go, yeah. And he goes, it's all right. And then five minutes, I go, do you mind?

Well, I said, we can't do it. And we just got up and we went in the car and we left. Like, that's my thing. But I didn't yell. But he was just kind of like, he's a kid. So he didn't. I was like, we didn't even get waters. I go, you don't sit down and not get waters.

We've been here 15 minutes. You get a fucking water. Maybe bread, a smile. She didn't even give a fuck we're here, I said. Because she didn't even get waters. I go, you don't sit down and not get waters. We've been here 15 minutes. You get a fucking water. Maybe bread, a smile. She didn't even give a fuck we're here, I said. Because she didn't. She didn't even give a fuck we were there. You know those? Like, oh, sit there.

Maybe bread, a smile. Yeah. It's service. It's food. You want an experience. She might as well have been like, ah, fuck anyway, you piece of shit. You fucking animal. You want an experience. She might as well have been like, ah, fuck anyway, you piece of shit. You fucking animal.

Throw me a basket of bread. The fuck out of here. Yeah. I don't think it's asking too much for a little bread and a smile. Okay. Not when you come to an establishment that you're going to overpay for food. And you know, I'm not. You're a shit waiter.

That's what you should say. Let me guess. The tips included. Yeah. You're acting like the tips included yes yes and i don't like that i don't like here's the thing about that you can you can absolutely challenge that if you have a bad waiter the tips included i don't give a fuck yeah it's like yeah dude you're gonna love this bobby kelly and i are sitting at that place expectations in montreal you know that big breakfast place everybody eats that at the in the hotel right and bobby this is when bobby and i just started becoming like friends like year one or two and we're in montreal together and we're eating and

bobby knows me as a very laid back, easygoing guy, as do most people. Right. But all of a sudden I look over and this is what made Bobby did it. He goes, ah, you know what he goes? So I'm looking at the waitress and she's on the phone. She's on the phone and she's giggling with her friend and I didn't get what I wanted. And I look and I just go, I go, dude, you see that over there? And he just goes, yeah, he, dude, he loves, he loves, he goes, yeah. I go, what the fuck? He goes, oh my God, keep going. He was, he fucking loved that. He saw that side of me. And I go, dude, she's on the phone. She doesn't give a fuck. Like call her over here. And dude, he just started. And then he was just like, yeah, versus a nice guy till you don't bring his dressing till you don't bring his salad dressing uh yeah dude i that's one thing i can't handle

is like wait service where you're not i can't handle it dude and i and i that's how twisted bobby is yeah you were such a nice guy it actually gave him hope yeah yes he said that he goes oh my god i loved it he goes yeah keep going he was so psyched to see that side it upsets you right dude does it make you want to call him a name or something dude and make a scene he goes there it is there's he fucking yeah versi's a nice guy they don't bring his fucking water in two minutes. My favorite thing about him is whenever he tells this story, it goes... It's always, I had to yell at.

I had to yell at so-and-so. You didn't have to. Stop blaming the victim here. I did. I had to yell at my mailman dude I told him six times put the envelopes on top and the manila underneath

this fucking guy came up I had to yell at him alright Paul so it's the NBA finals plural yes and the cup i know nba finals if you want to watch a great sport paul watch the stanley cup playoffs with the referees don't control the tempo the players do yeah who do you like paul not who do you want okay i did say and we have this on record on anything better i did say that i thought it was going to be the warriors and the celtics just because they got better personnel i want the celtics i want the celtics to beat the Warriors. I think the Celtics defense

can beat the Warriors. I think, though, if I'm being honest, Just tell us who you think's going to win! I think if Klay Thompson plays the way he played in the Western Conference Finals, I think Golden State's going to win.

I don't like this. No, no, no. This is too wishy-washy. finals, I think Golden State is going to win. I don't like this. But, but... No, no, no. This is too wishy-washy. I think this, I think that. If he does this, but... Gun to my head. No, gun to my head, I take Golden State. Gun to my head. Well, you're walking

up with a brand new pair of Jordan 3s. You got a brand new blue Yankee fitted. You got your chain out. You're walking up to fucking gamble all right you got 10 grand right from the fucking mint andrew what's the line there's less wrinkles in your shirt than there is in this fucking money right or the other way around and you got the 10 grand where's it going paul i gotta know the spread are you talking straight up straight up straight up i would straight ah fuck it's a tough one man it's a tough one wishy-washy paul ver i've never seen this

no it's a tough one you want to know paulie cocksure paulie peacock you want to know why dude that three-pointer tatum hit where I texted you and I go, that was fucking big boy superstar shit. That one that just fucking put. Been doing it forever, Paul. What? He's been doing it forever. He went head to head with fucking LeBron when they were playing the Cavaliers.

They took him out of the, stopped giving him the fucking ball for whatever reason. No, but they didn't. He hasn't hit a shot like that in the Eastern Conference Finals in game seven like that. Say that again, Paul. Say that again and I will drive the fucking Westchester. What he hasn't hit a big shot down in game seven of the, of, of,

of Eastern conference finals in the fourth quarter at with a minute, two minutes left. He hasn't fucking talking to me, fucking took over that game against Cleveland. And then they stopped giving them the fucking ball. The guy's never not delivered. No, I'm, I'm, I'm agreeing with, I'm saying this is the, this'm saying this guy's next level. Don't like your tongue. Dude, Jason Tatum is a monster, dude.

But you know, who's the X factor? Who do I always say is the X factor with the Celtics? Grant Williams. No, Marcus Smart. Marcus Smart, dude. Marcus Smart. I'm going to tell you this. Marcus Smart, dude. If he. I'm going to tell you this. Marcus Smart, dude.

If he's on, it's over. If the line was five? The Celtics are the balls. I'm taking the Celtics if the line is five or six in a game seven. But I'm going to say I'm going to just have to stick with what I said weeks and weeks ago. I said that Golden State was going to win it all. I'm going to have to stick with it.

Would I love to be wrong? Yes, I would. And I'm saying that as a Knicks fan, who, by the way, the Celtics are kind of our rival. What is it? The Lions three? What the fuck are you talking about? The Knicks don't have a rival.

Just the Knicks. I tried toicks I tried to I tried to fucking like tried to like kind of counter that and I was like yeah yeah I guess I have never we got the Knicks tonight I mean I tell you Paul

I am I have told you this I am a New York Knicks fan I love the Knicks I love the name I love the uniform I love what they play I love those early 90s ones I love when Knicks. I love the name. I love the uniform. I love where they play. I love those early 90s ones. I love when Pat Riley was coaching them. I like when you guys were fucking

you know, Anthony Mason and your boy there. Charles Oakley. Oh my god. I mean, that was fucking basketball. Come in here and try and dunk on us. Before they had that little fucking safe space circle

that they put in there. Not even the defensive player can stand under his own fucking goal that he's supposed to be defending. It is so fucking ridiculous, dude. I think we're in for one of the best. NBA plant. NBA plant. Three-pointer.

Minnesota averaged 40 a game. That's almost one a minute. And the fucking douchebag with the fitted hat in front of you every fucking, every two fucking seconds. Standing up. Standing up in the first quarter like it's the final shot of the fucking game. Um, who do you like bill?

Are you betting with your heart or you're betting with your, I mean, I always fell with my heart, Paul. Yeah. You got it. I never had the money for hair plugs. You gotta,

you gotta go Celtics. You gotta go Celtics. I think it's going to be a great finals. I think it's good. Well, I think what you're asking me is what is the is what are the keys to a Boston Celtic victory? Isn't that what you're, at the end of the day, isn't that what the fuck you're asking me? The end of the day?

Paul? Yeah, I guess so. I think that's what you're asking me. Yeah. I mean, what do you think is going to happen? This is what I think. I think the Celtics, I think game one's a must. I think we have to beat them early.

We got to beat them early because I swear to God, if we don't, they're going to fucking just, they're going to run the table. They're going to win it in four or five games. They have that ability. That team gets on a fucking roll. You know, they could very easily beat us in four or five games however if we get that first victory early and you said i was wishy-washy you said i was fucking well you're doing the same thing no no no i know i didn't i said the key to the fucking thing i'm telling you exactly what's

gonna happen if we don't fucking win one or two game one or two they're gonna just run the fucking table you can lose game one but you gotta obviously get just run the fucking table you can lose game one but you gotta obviously get two uh yeah i agree you can lose i think we i almost think we gotta win game one we gotta come right because everybody's picking the worries we gotta come right out the first game win that fucking game and have everybody including the warriors be like oh wait what the fuck that's what you need to have happen. I almost think I just think that they're that good a team. I also don't really watch a lot.

Well, I think Marcus Smart can't be hurt every other game. One day he's in street clothes cheering. The next day he's playing like he's got it. You guys got to go full. An excellent point, Paul. If he's not out there playing, how can he affect the game? You really went out on a limb there. No, but he keeps doing that. He keeps doing that shit where he sits there. He's hurt to go full ball. An excellent point, Paul. If he's not out there playing, how can he affect the game? You really went out on a limb there.

No, but he keeps doing that. He keeps doing that shit where he's sitting there. He's hurt, Paul. Listen, Paul, I swear to God. I swear to God. You have a bacon, egg, and cheese in your fucking healthy scratchdown walking at the track at the high school. Are you questioning Marcus Smart's toughness? No, I think I I'm hoping it's, um,

Oh God, I got enough stress in my life. I don't even watch my team. Oh, I know. I know. I was thinking about you pacing around in game seven. Me and Lucas were watching. I watched the first quarter and then the refs took over and put us in the fucking penalty. So I said, I don't check in in the third. This is obviously the ref's quarter. Then I come back out. They let him play for a little bit.

And I just go, I know what they're going to do. They're going to fucking pull and release, pull and release and make sure this comes down to the final two minutes. So nobody shuts it off and everybody makes their fucking money. So I came back in the final two fucking minutes. That's what I did. And actually the last 59 seconds, I was on the phone with doug sinye they called the file let me guess miami ball right miami has the ball yep absolutely there's

another easygoing guy that's another easygoing irish guy wait a minute are you gonna act like italians don't have fucking tempers i mean the wife beater that's your fucking culture no yo what i was gonna tell you was uh lucas and i my son lucas and i were watching the eastern conference finals and both of us in the t-shirt and and both of us go if this is the knicks could we watch this and lucas goes i don't know dude i don't think i could and i said no if this was the knicks i would be pacing around like a lunatic like this, biting. You know, I got my Greek worry beads. You know about Greek worry beads, right? I haven't used them yet. Andrew, you know about them, right?

I haven't used them ever, but I think I'm going to be an old man with them. I'll show you what they are. I got to run in a second. But these are called Greek worry beads, where this is what Greeks have. Like scooped carrots. Yeah, Greeks have things called worry beads where they just sit and they hold it when they, and they, you know, or yeah, or they can hold it like this and they do this.

You see an old man sitting at a cafe, drinking coffee. You'll sit an old man, old Greek, just doing this. So this is going to be my Knicks. This is, this is going to be my Knicks. That's why I love everybody on the Mediterranean. You guys just know how to live. They sell those to non-Greeks? Can I get one of those as I sip an espresso? Paul, have I told you how much I love?

Espresso is the way to go with nothing in it. I got to show you something real quick, and then I got to run. But check this out. Okay, this is wild. My grandfather, my babouli, rest his soul, that's my Greek grandfather. He played basketball. I deduced my Greek grandfather. He played basketball. I deduced that, Paul. He played Greek.

My grandfather, my ha-ha-ha-ha, that's Greek. We get it. Yeah. That sounds Jewish. My, ugh. So, dude, he played in a Greek, he played in this Greek league. Irish guy. My father, that fucking cocksucker.

This little, this little ball, basketball. It says champs 1936. And it says, uh, I don't know in international division or whatever, but it was his. And, uh, so my mom, he that's amazing can you find out what what that's from so yeah i got it so it's a 1936 championship little basketball and it says like division something he played in like this greek league and i have it it's pretty cool that's amazing it's a piece of history 1936 so it's in my podcast studio okay um have you ever heard the kingston trio worried man no it takes a worried man to sing a worried song i'm worried now but it won't

be worried no i gotta sing that got myself a cadillac 30 down Got myself a gal named Sue, prettiest gal around. Something, something, something. Da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah, she's my baby. And I love her all the time. And then singing the song's about three fucking guys all going to go see the same chick. No.

Alright, man. I gotta run. I know you gotta run um this has been episode uh 63 we'll be back next week guys uh i'll be in atlanta punchline this friday and saturday uh check that out got five shows two friday two saturday going to san diego i'm going to chicago i'm going to michigan no one's stopping you. Nobody's stopping me from going to Michigan. This comedy train is rolling. PaulVersey.com. Get all your tickets. Check out the Versey Effect. My website. I mean, my

YouTube channel. Check out Monday Morning Podcast. Check out Bill's Amazing Tour, which he's fucking crushing on the road. I see him out there with Dean Del Rey and all these other, you know. I remember those days. Joe Bartnick. T-Rex. Yeah.

Hey, how great were those jokes I was telling you the other night? Oh, so funny. So funny. Me and Todd were doing that the whole fucking weekend. All right. I'll talk to yous later. I'm home for fucking two weeks, man. Old Billy birthday cakes.

Enjoy. And by the way, check out Bill bill's shirt get the merch at the anything better we got the we got the t-shirts we got the hoodies we got all that look at that look at look at that man for halloween you got fucking we got everything we'll come up with other we'll do every season think we give a fuck we'll do anything better with bunny ears for easter what we really should do we should we should embrace the holidays nobody does like flag day international pancake day whatever they have all right get out of here i got shit to do too all right all right paul i'll see you all right Thank you.