Anything Better? - Start Over On Another Planet

Episode Date: March 12, 2022

Is there Anything Better than Bill and Paul talking about the perils of humanity? Solo Stove: Shop now and get up to 30% off fire pits all month long, AND use promo code BETTER at checkout to get an extra $20 off.  Go To SoloStove.com Helix is offering up to 200 dollars off all mattress orders AND two free pillows for our listeners at HelixSleep.com/BETTER

what's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast this is episode 54 part two that's right yes now it's 55 because they're going to show it over two weeks so i got to give you the greatest 55s of all time paul of all time number one junior say out the great charger rest of soul yeah rest of soul former new england patriot oral hershizer paul you want to talk about a guy who didn't fold under pressure you want that guy on the hump uh the Ken Bay matumbo Paul get that out of here and the la and the uh the last one is the great Willie McGinnis who still looks like he could play today that's it I was in Pittsburgh last week by the way thanks dude so many anything better fans came out to see me at the improv so thank you for that dude how great is the city of pittsburgh in my top

five one of the most underrated and underappreciated pittsburgh is like the the veteran the coming home veteran of city they get comeback player of the year of this century dude i've been going there for 20 years 20 years ago that place was like depressing and all you could see was man they used to make here and now it's a thriving metropolis it's uh but they kept all the good a lot of the good anyway a lot of the uh the food spots and all that i'm talking like i grew up there but i'm just saying they there was a real what i like about that place is there's still like uh pittsburgh people there they didn't get they didn't seem like they they all got squeezed out watch all the emails I get oh actually no dude I I just knocked down

paramis and put a whatever that place is called oh uh yeah yeah yeah uh permannies so um Bartnik and I went to this place that Guy Fieri had on diners, drive-ins and dives. Guy Fieri did on diners, drive-ins and dives. And we went in there and Bartnick told me it was a really good breakfast spot. And it was. But dude, I saw fucking mooses in there, dude. And then I fucked up on Uber. I called Uber and I got Uber comfort, but it didn't say new car, more leg room.

So this guy shows up in a fucking like a Kia caravan. And he was so fucking fat, dude. He goes, oh, you don't need your mask, right? He goes, well, you don't need your mask. The mandate got lifted. So, you know, everyone takes the mask off. We're just sitting there. It smelled so fucking disgusting. And this guy's fucked's fuck dude i could smell this guy's fat i put it back on

and i was trying to smell my own fucking breath in the mask to get rid of it i was so fucking nauseous and i'm looking at bart and you're in a van so the windows don't go down and bartnick doesn't fucking smell i go i go joe joe you and bart you know bart just had that smile bartnick doesn't fucking smell. I go, Joe, Joe. And Bartnick just had that smile. Bartnick's like, I don't think I can take the mask off. And I'm going, dude. Paul, Paul, it's Pittsburgh. It's Pittsburgh. Yeah, baby, we're going to drink tonight.

That's what he does. He goes, yeah, we don't give a fuck. Dude, dude, dude. We don't give a fuck here. It's Thursday. Right? So we only't give a fuck. Dude, dude, dude. We don't give a fuck here. It's not Thursday. Right? So. We only got one show tonight.

Yeah. We're going to have one a year. Dude, you want to get like a pop after the show? Thursday. It's Pittsburgh. We're not like those other fucking. Then he gets mad. Then he gets mad. He goes, yeah, we're not like those other fucking bitchy cities.

He gets. Oh, yeah. So. Then he gets mad. He goes, yeah, we're not like those other fucking bitchy cities. He gets, Oh yeah. So, uh, dude, I get, okay. So I get in a Tesla, I get in a Tesla Uber. This guy was so cool. He was so deep. I want to say he was a, um, middle-aged, I would say middle-aged, um, African-American man. I don't, you don't even know what to say anymore, but someone's going to be like, but he was like a middle-aged dude and he had this plexiglass up. I didn't know if he was just because he was so private or whatever.

So anyway, Are you saying a person of color can't be private? So no, I was talking like COVID shit, right? Cause he had like the plexiglass. Okay. So, so, you know, me. I don't like to do it. I try to stop and talk into all the drivers because I'm too nice and I get in too deep. I even talk about it on my special. I'll fucking talk to a guy about his kids for fucking 45 minutes. It drives my wife nuts. So I'm trying to buy a new

car after probably a year and I want to go electric so you know me I go hey buddy you like this Tesla man I go the fuck I like the white leather you know because he had like white leather so I go I like that I like the inside he goes yeah man it's like it's really really nice really fast and he's like I didn't even get the dual I just got the single and watch this and he starts going fast and for some reason by the time he gets me to my hotel we start talking about everything in this everything that's happened is meant what was meant to happen destiny-wise, this guy, right? This guy was really educated, super smart guy. And he just goes, he goes, I got one for you. Since you want to go there, I got one for you. He goes, I believe that people like Elon Musk were meant to be put

here for times that they're needed here. And he goes, and my theory is, and this is going to what you said about an asteroid bill. He goes, my theory is something will kind of go towards earth. Something will threaten earth and guys like Elon Musk and other people are going to figure out ways to go there and get to space. And the whole point of all this thing will be to kind of do that and stuff he goes and then he just goes hey man i know it's a crazy thing but and he was like super nice but it just made me think of like holy shit like there's a real big fucking drop off from elon musk to us but then us below us dude me and you were us three are

geniuses compared to here and we're the dumbest people on earth compared to elon musk would look at us like we're we have the mentality of a fucking dog like like yeah he would look at us so it's pretty amazing that that guy is fucking gonna colonize mars or that's his plan and there's actually yeah that's not gonna happen paul i know but he's trying to he's like actually trying to figure out ways that it could, which is crazy. Why would you do that? Well, his mentality is why overpopulation,

fucking self-destruction, all that shit, start over on another planet. With no atmosphere? Yeah, I mean, I don't fucking know why. I don't know. That, I mean, mean listen that's fucking past that point if you could fucking create a phony atmosphere there why wouldn't you just do it here and close the fucking bubble and not let anybody in and then just watch us all die like you're on

the truman show yeah but then all of a sudden we're gonna keep fucking guys out there going what the fuck I'm a fucking human too. Let me in. Guys out there going, what the fuck? Pissing on it. Dude, this is why. You know what? Smear your shit on the bubble. Smear your shit on the bubble.

Smear your shit on the bubble. That's what we would do. Guys getting hammered, putting their ass cheeks on it. Fucking. Yeah. Mushing their dicks up against um dude we should get a fucking blowtorch right oh they would have to start killing us that's my favorite thing what you just said is my favorite thing dumb friends sitting around getting drunk talking about what you need to do. No, no, here's what I would do. I'd go to fucking Russia.

Okay, we go on fucking 10 p.m. I would fucking take Putin out. It's like, dude. Dude, I'd show up. I'd be like, hey, Vladdy. Dude, that fucking prick wouldn't know what hit him. Okay, I'd fucking free everybody. Vladdy.

No, no, here's what you do. You go out. All you gotta do, you come over there with some Tito's and soda because they love the vodka. We're all guilty of it, Paul. We're all guilty of it. Oh, dude. The simple solutions. What about me earlier in this podcast? Did you make war illegal?

You can't do it here you go bill all right everybody quit the military now like anybody would trust anybody like one person would keep their guns wait a minute we said time out you know what you got a good heart and you wish it would be that way there's nothing wrong with that i mean it's completely unrealistic you know what paul i do have a good heart and i fucking root for people and i don't like seeing people hurting other people i just don't i don't mind somebody making fun of somebody that's where i draw i draw the line though of fucking going in with tanks and missiles no matter who the fuck is doing it how funny would it be if the next

anything better podcast there was just a strange family sitting behind bill i go what happened i took him out of a car i thought about what happened last i put my money where my mouth is um you you have driven a tesla bill yes with the dual motors in the fucking ludicrous is it is it the best car you've ever driven it's the fastest car is the best car i mean the best car paul it's gotta it's gotta go all the way across the board well you said it's the fastest which means it beats all the other cars you've ever driven so that's the motorcycle fast not super bike oh i mean kind of close to super bike fast it's fucking dude it's ridiculous my wife put like her feet up just went jesus christ i stepped on dude the whiplash it

really is like if you're a passenger in a tesla you literally but um i went to lexus to get my car detailed because that's what i oh bill i got, I got the, I got the car washed once a week, Bill, once a week detailed and washed. It's one of my, it's one of my favorite things that I do is watch them. It's one of my favorite things watching all four doors open and they take the mats out and I just see vacuuming and rubbing her down. And you know what, Paul, you keep doing that. And one day when you're living on the ocean,

the ocean will wash your car every single day as it rises up. that and one day when you're living on the ocean the ocean will wash your car every single day as it rises up through my car every day every day every day wash when i i detailed every day wipe it down wipe it down got a fucking starfish right on the hood you think i give a fuck so i went to lexus and i go guys are you guys i go i love being here i love lexus i love love Lexus. I love the car. My wife's got two truck. I had two. I have one. I go, anything electric? And I was like, because I'm not going to lie. I'm thinking of going Tesla. And the guy goes, he goes, wait, he goes, 2023. He goes, Andrew, pull up, pull up Lexus electric, pull up Lexus's electric car 2023. This is my, this is going to be my new ride uh in about 12 months i like that ford lightning pickup truck you seen that yes yes dude that's gonna that's that's a beautiful truck and then they did the retro one it's the only front end i don't like on the fords there's two front ends i don't like 78 79 and then those those ones from like around 99 or 2000. Did you freeze up, Paul?

Or are you saying a prayer? No, I'm listening. All right, there you are. We're just sitting there like this with your eyes shut. It might be me. Andrew, did he freeze up for you or no? Oh, he did. Okay.

By the way, Andrew, we can finish building my little podcast studio here because my internet thing is fixed. Really? Yeah. Wow. Did you get a hard one? No. We finally got from the house to get it out here.

I don't know. It's a long fucking story. It's good. Andrew looked so excited just now. He put his hands up. Really? I spent a total of like 24 hours on the phone with bill's internet company and a guy came out to the house and he just looked at he's like i has nothing i

could do here i mean it was it was a it was a saga oh did you see uh metal sopranos commercial for the chevy silverado first electric chevy truck that's coming out of the super super bowl dude that one somebody goes versi there's your big truck electric. I was like, oh, shit. Well, here's the thing. They're going to. That's it. But can you get the whole car?

Do you see what the whole thing looks like? That's the Lexus. Yeah, I want to see. Can I see the front end? Now, this is what they did that was. They didn't quite do it. Oh, what do you mean? It looks almost like the front.? Now, this is what they did that was... They didn't quite do it. Oh, what do you mean? It looks almost like the front.

You don't like it? Yeah, you know what? I like it better. I like that they pretend that they need a vent. No, that's a Toyota there, Andrew. The Lexus is the one that you had before it. Let me see the... No, no, this is a Toyota.

This is not the Lexus. My thing about that is the battery going to be recyclable. Cause you know, it's going to be due to the environment, probably worse than oil. But my thing about it, those, well, at least we don't have to fuck with the Middle East and we can leave those people alone then. Yeah. Go to that. Keep it that one.

So that, that right there is the, is the front of it and stuff. I don know about the like the weight and all that i like it i like it i think i'm i think that that's gonna be it i think that's gonna be it i even actually think i like the silver i think i like that color no let me see the ford lightning oh boy bill i'll buy a car and a truck think i give a fuck i'll i'll i'll jump start this economy myself uh ford light i'll tell you what i want to get paul what i want to get an f2 f250 ford f250 super duty regular cab have it custom painted the F-250s don't have any good colors. It's white, black, gray, anti-matter, blue. What does regular cab mean? No four-door?

Not even an extra cab. The way a pickup used to look. Two seats. Bench. I'm going to have the interior taken out. I'm going to get a bench seat in there like back in the day. Yeah. With those old uh

you know i don't know if the two-tone looks good on the new ones but i'm gonna pick some sick ass color from the 70s that i grew up that's what i would like to do paul but i'm a married man with two kids who likes to peace is that it that's a sharp looking truck, Paul. Dude, that's all electric? Yep. Wow. That's a, dude, that looks- You can tow 10,000 pounds, Paul. And probably still do zero to 60 in about six seconds. Everybody in your trailer behind is going to go flying out the back door.

Can I ask you a question? Why did it take so long for electric? Gee, Paul, why do you think that is i don't know i'm asking you almost like the people that run shit had a vested interest in other things first of all paul a lot of people don't know this some people do but some most don't maybe part of them don't but maybe everybody does uh is they had electric cars right in the beginning when they were making Model T Fords they were electric cars and then the gas combustion and the oil guys wanted to make sure that you know it was like VHS versus beta back in the VCR days they wanted to make sure that they won so they

they made this thing showing how dangerous electricity was and one of their things to show how dangerous it was they're like look how powerful it was and one of their things to show how dangerous it was they're like look how powerful it was and they fucking wrapped a wire around this poor elephant and they electrocuted him to death as the thing fucking screamed in agony fucking terrible dude all right it's solo stove. There's nothing quite like the feeling of gathering around a warm fire on a cool evening. It's actually true. And a smokeless fire pit from solo stove. Hey, dude, I'm a fire.

We invested a lot in fire stuff, and I love it. And I love the solo stove. No, I'm just laughing because I really believe that. You're like, it's actually true. That came from your heart. Yeah. No, I'm just laughing because I really believe that. You're like, it's actually true.

That came from your heart. Yeah. And a smokeless fire pit from Solo Stove makes your outdoor moments even more memorable. Because instead of having to constantly dodge fire camp fumes, you can sit back, relax, and actually enjoy the fire. And right now, you can get a great deal on a Solo Stove fire pit. Upgrade your backyard with a Solo solo stove fire pit. Upgrade your backyard with a solo stove fire pit. Solo stove fire pits are brilliantly engineered, made with premium grade 304 stainless steel and a 360 degree airflow system that maximizes efficiency while minimizing smoke. Easy to light with a few bits of starter. Your fire is blazing in minutes.

Perfectly portable. Take Solo Stove with you on camping trips and more. Shop now and get up to 30% off fire pits all month long and use promo code BETTER, B-E-T-T-E-R, at checkout and get an extra $20 off, plus lifetime warranty and free 30-day returns. Just go to solostove.com, and remember, you get $20 off when you use promo code BETTER.

That is BETTER, B-E-T-T-E-R. All right, it's Helix everybody helix you know not being able to sleep because of today's politics pandemics maybe your love life helix sleep has a quiz that takes just two minutes to complete and matches your body type and sleep preferences to the perfect mattress for who paul for you everybody's unique and helix knows that. So they have several different mattress models to choose from. They have soft, medium, and firm mattresses. They have mattresses great for cooling down if you sleep hot. Oh, you got a lot of money on the game, Paul. You're rolling around. And even a Helix Plus mattress for all you big boys. So if you're looking for a mattress, you take the quiz.

You order the mattress that you're matched to, and the mattress comes right to your door shipped for free. Paul, this is like a mail-order bride, except she keeps her mouth shut. You don't ever need to go to a mattress store again. Just go to helixsleep.com slash better for take their two minute sleep quiz and they'll match you to a customized mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life. They have a 10 year warranty

and you get to try it out for 100 nights risk free. They'll even pick it up for you if you don't like it. Jesus Christ, Paul, they don't make a hazmat suit for that in my opinion, but you're gonna love it. Helix is offering up to $200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows. For our listeners at helixsleep.com slash better, that's helixsleep.com slash better for up to $200 off and two free pillows. What did you say? Because I was talking to that same guy before we got to Elon Musk is going to save the world by destroying an asteroid.

I said to him, my buddy told me about a guy and I was talking about you. I said, my buddy told me about a guy named Stanley who did a car on water and they killed him. Is that right? I don't remember. But that guy that told you about that shit, though, earlier, that, you know, we think we're smart because we're hanging out with mouth-breathing morons, that was me. That was a conversation I had with you.

You don't remember that? Yeah, I think I do. You did the Louis C.K. thing. You fucking, remember that joke you had? You tell the story to somebody else, and then you realize you're telling the story to the person that told it to you. Wait, but which one was it that was the one where i was telling you that you know people like

i think you were saying you were smart i'm like yeah paul to the average guy in a food court but they're like the people out there that actually you know can design a bridge just take a bridge they can design a bridge that can hold the fucking weight so all of us mouth-breathing morons could drive over it not fall into the fucking hudson river isn't like how far down do you dig or the fucking people who made the uh the ted williams tunnel that for some reason wasn't wide enough because they fucking skim so much money out of there the fucking wasn't significant bill was it a significant tunnel was it a significant tunnel yeah i don't how do you put a tunnel under the water and you're not under the

water the whole time building it they're like oh no you go down to the bedrock how are this there's no leaks like what's going on i don't know i'm too i'm yeah but i'm not as stupid i know what you're saying and i know that you were but i'm not a dummy no we're not as stupid. I know what you're saying, and I know that you were saying, but I'm not as stupid. No, we're not as stupid as you say. No, no, no. It's like Elon Musk here, me and you right here. No. First of all, Elon Musk, I don't have him in there as an intelligent guy.

What? How? I don't have him separated. I agree with you. I don't have him separate him separate okay i agree with you i don't have him to separate because he craves fame which is a weakness um i mean all of those guys neil degrasse tyson uh tesla all of those guys that they got to go on podcasts and fucking hang out and shit there There's a void. There's still a void. Yeah, but some recognition for doing some incredible shit is not horrible. You shouldn't need it, Paul.

You're a truly, fully evolved human being. You don't need to be going out to the fucking club and being behind a fucking velvet rope as a scientist and having all these young women trying to fucking, you know, jump on your fucking shiny face. Yeah. But dude, look at us.

We run around telling fucking jokes for attention. This guy's sending somebody to fucking Mars. I mean, I'd be fucking, I'd have a jet pack on giving everybody the middle finger with my dick out. If I fucking even was close. Exactly. And what does that say about your intellect?

I'm saying he's us paul because here's the thing paul i would cheer you on as you did it that's my boy with his dick out we're going to mars baby oh oh that's great paul the truly intelligent people i even mean criminals you never even know who they are dude albert einstein would have done every podcast there is alexander bram bell they they would come on he might have he might have he might have i don't know but i'll tell you this paul like oh dude the wall whatever yes but i'll tell you this paul whatever yes oh with the light you'd have merch with e equals mc2 on it um oh no but they uh paul the truly intelligent people even criminals even criminals, even criminals, Paul, you never know who that, they are content to not know, to have nobody know who, and they don't want credit or anything.

Like, like all of those people who sit there and they look at Al Capone, like he was just, I saw somebody do standup, say he was a criminal mastermind. It's like, no, they all, all the, all the really smart mob guys looked at him like he was an idiot, walking around with a canary yellow suit, talking the press that's how his dumb ass went to jail that yeah really smart ones stay quiet kept a low profile Paul and then they then they went legit that was um Frank Lucas that was a true story in American Gangster Frank Lucas showed up to the garden for that Ali fight and he had a fur coat on like with a matching fur hat and the FBI agent goes who's that guy down there and he was the only one that they didn't have on their fucking bulletin board and then he fucking threw the fur coat in the fire because he realized he fucked up like mob guys that want

I guarantee you dude it wasn't just a fur coat It was the way people around him were looking at him and treating him. They felt his vibe. And then you're done. Yeah. It's ego for sure. It's ego for sure. I would. It only takes one fuck up.

Dude, the really smart mobsters, dude, they ended up going legal. They basically got out of doing these scams because all of their illegal scams are legal. You got to get on the legal side of stealing so then you don't have to stick your money in the walls anymore and drive a lesser car they saw all the bankers driving down the street you know with their big fancy oh guys you know the big fucking chomping on a fucking cigar and they had to sit there and act like they were broke so they couldn't you know attract attention and shit they were like fuck this like yeah that's you're right banking is just legalized loan sharking why don't i do that yeah that was like in the movie casino when they were all like on the bottom of

that restaurant or like market in kansas city eating meatball you never knew who the fuck they were remo nobody knew who the fuck remo was but Remo. Nobody knew who the fuck Remo was, but Remo was the one calling the shots. Yeah. Like that Giuliani shit with the five families, all of those guys, they lived in modest house and all. You had no idea they were running the fucking city. They could, five guys could shut the fucking city down if they wanted to. Remember Remo, uh, Bill, remember he goes like this. He goes when Pesci was narrating and he goes, I mean, this fucking guy, he knew how the ball would bounce on the wood and whose girlfriend got pregnant. And then all of a sudden, he walks in the door, and Remo sees Ace.

And he goes, come here. He goes, Oklahoma. He goes, nobody had Oklahoma. And then he calls over Pesci, and he goes, you see that guy? Guy's making us a lot of money, and he's going to continue to make us a lot of money. So just make sure you take care of you. Okay. Okay. He just touched his hand. Nobody had Oklahoma. Nobody had us the best, but no, dude, those guys, yeah, those guys are in a quiet little underground spot. And that's why they got mad at, um, who was the big mob guy? They got mad at, cause he was like mob guy they got mad at because he was like you know flashy and he got shot you know so yeah you can't but dude listen it's ego it's fame when you're in

the news every day and you're walking it's a weakness it's an insecurity you think for me it was yeah fill and avoid fuck yeah and then and then you get you know what's funny if you keep working on yourself you get to the other side of it and then you don't need it then you can actually really have fun in this business because then you're not you're not like chasing it or whatever you're just doing what you want to do and having fun and helping out you know younger people coming up in the business and you know i you know how i would love to end my, Paul. I'd like to go back to Emerson College and become a teacher and teach like a fucking comedy class and shit like that and just, you know, and then just tell stories about shit that happened to me,

try to avoid this, go back to Boston, get fucking season tickets for all the teams, you know, show up in my fucking Ford Lightning. I told Stacey i have a dream i don't want to jinx it but there's one venue i want to play sell it out and play it once and then i'm gonna walk away i never do it again and i'm gonna go to an ocean house in down by the ocean and just be a fucking a guy that's you would be a fucking legend if you your last gig was sold out msg in the round that and you and you go we all know what the venue is paul fucking acting like it's some secret what do you want to play a kemper arena in seattle dude i want this well i love how you try to be mysterious there is one place bill there's one place where you should go you should do that go up to rayos you know that that uh that that place where scorsese has a standing uh reservation

or whatever that place it's impossible to get into is that what's called rayos uh yeah up in harlem yeah you should eat there and then that's it no i want to take a help this is what i want to do i want to perform a sold out uh msg i'll you the venue. I can't say because I'm OCD. I want to perform a sold out venue there. Go down by the water, hop in a helicopter after the gig and a helicopter take me to my ocean house with a cigar and bottles waiting for me. And I sit that's that's it and i say good riddance to the business and that's it oh bill why would you say good riddance you say thank you well that's i mean yeah that's what i mean thank you thank you you know it was positive paul keep all right here's what i would do all right i would fucking i would go back to nick's comedy stop where i started in boston oh that's a good one start stop where I started because that's one of the number one things people don't think about in

this business all they think about is making it they don't think how to get the fuck out of it so you're not hanging around and fucking yanking your face back and doing this shit right just getting the fuck out and uh being smart with your money now dude i would uh in retiring while you still have your health yes you know i went to a casino recently and there was all these old people man and i was looking how cool it was these old couples that hang out with each other drinking rob royce and getting themselves a blt you know that old people shit the middle of the day and i'm like that's fucking great but i i hate that they had to get that old before they

could just do that you know i mean who knows they could have been doing it for years i have no idea but it's like i don't want to be that old you know when you my wife your wife are hanging out in some fucking casino whatever the thing is pa, we got to retire somewhere close to each other. Well, what I, we, you know, the end of the movie credits of my career and your career is just us sitting down in our cigar shop and leather chairs with a game on. And here's how the movie ends. There's a game on and I go, who you got? And you go, I don't know who you got. And I go, I know i'm taking the favorite and you just go of course you are you've been saying that for decades paul i don't want that just to be a dream no dude i want that to fucking happen i would love to have a graceful exit from this shit you know what i mean because i i think what i'll probably do is just

the best you can get me because i i, I have to work on some level. I would be sort of semi. I maybe just do casino towns at that point. Um, we said something on this podcast a long time ago, by the way, how great is this episode? I mean, these lucky fucks,

I know we missed one, but, but dude, listen to this. We said a long time ago, if you could sit down and talk to anybody, who would it be athlete wise? And I figured it out. And my answer is, is I think it's perfect. And it would be Barry

Sanders. And I would sit with Barry Sanders and I would go, dude, I got to tell you when you retired, everybody was like, what's he doing? The record's right in front of him. And I'll go, you know what, man, you knew that you could look at your grandkids and go, that shit does. I know what I was and what I can do. I also didn't want to fucking destroy my body. I knew I wasn't going to win in that organization. And once Emmett Smith passed, I knew like that guy, Barry Sanders knows exactly what he could do. And he's just like, I'm fucking done. And for me, that is the most gangster exit ever to be literally the greatest and pretty much in his prime almost at the top of his game when he left and he just goes i'm not doing it i got another one for you marvelous marvin haggler yeah that's a great one yep i know that marvin haggler retired

after getting i feel fucked on that last fight right and then sugar ray leonard kept fighting and one time you know mark haggler went just retired and went to italy became a movie star over there and had fun doing that shit and then at one point he came back this great story he came back for some um boxing thing where they were recognizing legends in the sport and sugar ray was there and sugar ray sent somebody over there said mr haggler uh i'm speaking on behalf of sugar ray sent somebody over there said mr hagler uh i'm speaking on behalf of sugar ray leonard he said they can do you know hagler leonard part two will make millions of dollars and blah blah blah blah and all this type of stuff you know what do you say he goes he goes tell sugar ray i said get a life wow yeah how much is that dude he's just like i'm done and you should be done enough

wow yeah that's fucking here's another i understand why sugar ray kept fighting too because like he had like uh like when you look at that guy's story and all of that like you know i understand you know that whole background and all the bullshit that happened to him and how he had to keep it inside and stuff like he needed it he still needed it and uh hagwood didn't another great one brad farb goes to the jets the vikings it's like one of the worst ones. They had to drag the guy off the plane. The way his career ended where he literally looked like, you know,

when an old person gets clipped by a cab and they're just laying there and you're like, oh, my God, oh, my God. Are you all right? Are you all right? Just laying there. Dude, he was just throwing picks at the end, just getting crushed. I don't give a shit. He was still slinging it like he was always throwing picks at the end, just getting it. I don't give a shit. He was still slinging it like he was always a gunslinger.

Nobody would run left and throw it back over the middle. I mean, run right and throw it back over the middle to the left like that guy. That guy had a bunch. I think he held the record for most interceptions of all time. He didn't give a fuck. All right, ready? Let's do it. Worst exits ever.

I got Brett Favre. I think they said Willie Mays on the Mets was a brutal one. Aaron Hernandez. Ray Caruth. Oh, yeah. I think you could chalk up Michael Jordan's ending to, even though he was

the last year or so in the Wizards, I could have done without. I don't know. What do you think? Well, I'll be honest with you. When you said worst exit, he didn't come to mind. Okay. Yeah. I guess this is not the worst because he still was

actually, he still was competitive and good. Brett Favre for sure was a really bad exit. Tom Brady, dude, I think he needs to just stay away maybe but I hope because he's still at the top so Tom Brady had a good one which is crazy to say an unbelievable one he retired what are you talking about no I'm saying something I don't know no I'm saying him right now staying there 44 if he just doesn't come back which I don't think he would is is a great one.

He ends with still throwing for over 5,000 yards. The guy had no dip. MVP candidate to the last fucking year he played, and he was 44 years old. It's probably one of the best. You realize he won the Super Bowl every other year since 2014? He won 2014, 2016, 2018, 2018 2020 this is the first year this is the first uh yeah he oh the seasons i mean well the guy went to 10 of them out of 22 years so the guy was literally uh in the super bowl almost 50 of his career which is he went seven and three in the super bowl he went to 10 of them it's like it was like

a regular it was like a playoff weekend for him it was like a fucking playoff weekend it's really one of the most craziest things um so i'm trying to think was there any really bad retiring and then coming back other than boxing because boxing has a lot but no i guess I guess which is far of the number one oh you mean retiring but far didn't retire and come back did he never oh oh I don't know I don't know if he like retired and then went to the fire I think the Packers wanted him to retire a Packer and he just wanted to keep playing I don't know there's something about those guys it's it's unfair me for what I do for a living that I can just keep doing it did like you know, you know, Paul, I got to look at, if you had to retire at 38 as a comedian,

how bad would you be hanging on telling jokes in Turkey or wherever they have those basketball leagues? Yeah. Yeah. No, I know it's easy for us to say, but that's why Barry Sanders just was ahead of it, man. The guy was just fucking ahead of it. He was was just ahead of it he was just like nah i'm not doing it all right well let's get ahead of this one and end this thing because i got uh club soda kennedy's coming oh he's out here man we're gonna go grab some lunch oh you should have got club soda on the podcast hi paul i always wanted to be on anything i have to say you're looking effervescent this morning i love club soda

kenny if anybody wants to see the top worst athletes uh there's an article it's called brett farve and the 10 worst sports retirements oh look at that he made the title dude dude he was like gray and hey you know who dodged a bullet? Dan Marino. Dan Marino for half a second entertained, I believe, going to the Vikings. And then he was like, no, I don't want to do that. And I think it's, there's just something about that one uniform just makes you, they can, they never get you in that last uniform. uniform. Derek Jeter, there was a flirting thing for a second about him playing with Tampa Bay Rays. And it was because he lived down there and it would have just been, I mean, dude, oh, I got one. I got one. I hate to say this one, but I've talked about it many times. Patrick Ewing wearing the Christmas red and green Supersonics jersey at the garden was literally one of the most painstaking. It was, I mean, he was in, he was in he was in a orlando magic for a year and then went to the seattle supersonic standing at the garden looking at his number

in the raptors was one of the fucking worst thing it hurts me to say i'm getting sick saying it i'll tell you old school one seeing johnny unitas on the san diego chargers with long hair it wasn't like hippie long, but it was longer. He finally grew out the flat top. Joe Namath on the Rams. Yeah, that's just, those are terrible. Yeah, those are some cold cards. Was Wade Boggs so beloved as a sock that it didn't matter he went to the Yankees or it did?

No, but it was. If we didn't win all those World Series, I can't even believe I can say that as a Red Sox fan, but if we didn't win all those World Series, if we didn't win the way we won in 2004, yeah, it would have been part of the story. It's like that Aaron Boone thing never really took root because it wasn't around long enough. But, like, I remember Dennis Leary doing jokes about that. Wade Boggs riding on a fucking police horse around Yankee Stadium. And it got huge laughs.

Oh, and I was doing Comics Come Home in the 90s. And that was getting, like, huge laughs and, like, you know, about being a Red Sox fan. It just doesn't even even those jokes don't even make sense anymore it's crazy um yeah because you guys yeah um all right well you are a yankee fan you just go yeah because you guys uh yeah you guys won because why you you know you do you won won. You won in brutal fashion to me. And you know what, Paul? We're never going to catch you, so who gives a shit, all right?

You got yours and we have our – I want us to win one more so we got 10. At least we'll be in double digits. Do you want to know what the dagger was? The dagger was Dave Roberts' stolen base. Oh, Paul, you don't need to tell me that, Paul. I've watched those highlights enough times. That was games before you won, but that thing that happened, I go, oh, boy, there's a shift.

I started lying to myself after that one. No, dude. You guys were up three games to none, even though that that happened. It was still the Red Sox. I was still going like, okay, runner in scoring position. Nobody thought. Nobody thought that ball was going to go up the fucking middle. What did you do when you won?

What did you, what was your reaction when you won the world series, whether it was bigger against the Yankees? When I won it, when you guys won it for the first time in your life, like, were you just like, were you like relieved? Were you like this? Like what, what was that? It was fucking fucking awesome i was with my agent at the time william morris we were in our

upper west side bar i had my shit on and i'm surprised i didn't get beat up i was walking down central park west just going and those new yorkers going shut the fuck up yeah yeah yeah yeah dude i dude i was in i was going world series chance baby 1918 that's dude that's the best as much as i if i if i couldn't have been in boston or st louis and actually seen it to be in New York City, I went out to a fucking bar. There's a picture of me hammered, and I'm like, I have a drink, and I'm like, I'm like this, number one thing, just fucking hammered. Fucking hammered. I just remembered the next day me and Bobby walked down,

and we went down to the new york yankees souvenir shop i know i think this is after we beat you guys no no it was after we won the whole thing because we're like well we can't go in if we lose the world series because they'll still say 1918 we waited till we beat you guys and we went into the souvenir shop that's in midtown with that red sock stuff on it just came in with eating grins and just talking to the guys the guy goes whatever man we go we got 26 and and kelly was just going like yeah but there's always going to be that smudge dude that smudge of an asterisk that you're the only team that was up three games to none and blew blew it, dude. And I was like, all right, Bob, take it easy.

Take it easy. Because, you know, Bob will go hard. Oh, he goes, yeah, Bobby will go fucking hard. Yeah. That's great. I remember when the Giants kicked a field goal in four-degree weather in the NFC Championship in 07. I was at Cleveland Hilarities.

I run off stage. I go, what's the score? And I just sat there and fucking audience members were watching me watch. And I was on the phone with Stacey and it was delayed. So Stacey goes, it went in. And then all of a sudden, a second later, it goes in. It was like nine degrees in Cleveland. I run out of Hilarities and I just go, yes.

And these guys just go, shut the fuck up. Get the fuck out. I was like, all right. Yeah, you got to watch out. I mean, I'm surprised. Dude, I was by myself because my agent went, all right, I'll see you later. We hugged each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I walked away, like walking with Boston, you know, their road jersey, the gray with the red Boston walking around. Woo! You were hammered? Hammered, Paul. I was just beginning i remember all that and it was just like believe it or not the red socks are 2004 world champions and just to hear that as opposed to and the mets win it God. That was the call that always got.

Bounding ball gets behind the bag and the Mets win it. It's just like, oh, Jesus. Dude, that was the one, dude. Fuck Bucky Dent. I could not watch a night game. Anytime the Mets played at night, every time I saw Shea Stadium and I just saw the outside, like the outfield, I just, it always took me back to 86. And I went to Shea Stadium one time and I made sure it was a day game because I couldn't be there at night. That's how, that's how sports

scars I had. And I remember sitting there with my accountant at the time. And I go, look at that right there. I was pointing to first base i'm like right there that's where it happened right there and that's where that old lady was sitting doing this like i thought like that series was so goddamn vivid like i gotta be honest with you paul like how we choked in 78 was nothing like 86. We had two outs, a full fucking count, and it was like we gave up nine singles in a row. And I remember just sitting there like,

like there's no fucking way, not even they could do this. And I remember I was watching over my buddy Mitch's house, his condo, right? And we were just sitting there in just disbelief. We didn't say anything. We didn't curse or anything. And I remember I was young enough to be like, whatever, we'll get him tomorrow. We'll, you know, we'll get him game seven. Then we were up three games, three to nothing in game seven. And we still managed to fuck that one up. And I just remember that was such a shock that I remember in 1988, I finally let it out. I was working in a warehouse.

And I just went like, I can't fucking believe't believe they lost that and my buddy started cracking up lag oh what are you talking about i'm like game six uh he goes you think you're thinking about that now i was like yeah i was just thinking about that like what how the do you lose that i remember they said the clemens one, what's the most amazing thing you ever saw? And he said, us losing game six. Like that was just like, it was literally, that was the only time I've ever like, since I was a little boy, believed in ghosts. It was like, there's literally a force

that does not want us. No, when you say sports scars, every single time I'm either in the garden with my kids or my son or family or when i'm there with a friend every time we're in a tight game at the garden my mind just goes every time there's their star is going to hit a three to break our hearts and nine times and it almost when we win a close one i go i walk out of there like with this relief of like all right let's just get to the car it's like it's fucking yeah it's not joy no it's it's not just like yeah i knew we were gonna do it's like oh my god who's gonna hit it

when reg look at the documentary when reggie hits those threes if you look at all the nick fans behind they're like they they did what you did when you went, oh, my God. It's just this heart sinking. It's like a scar. It's like a mental scar. And now we're fucking in the tank again. So it's what it is. But that's a whole other fucking. Well, I try to tell you every year.

Death, taxes, and hopeful Nick fans in November. Dude, I text you and I text Talon. No, but last year we made the playoffs. We were the fourth seed. And then we went back to the shitter, dude. It's never – Well, it's like watching a battered woman keep going back to that same relationship. Well, what am I going to do?

I fucking love them. Get a little self-esteem, Paul, and get some self-worth. Start rooting for these teams that are buying the title, like the Lakers and the fucking Warriors. Wouldn't you be sick if the next podcast we did, you just saw me wearing a Brooklyn Nets hat? Ugh, even the thought of it. I'm not being serious.

All right, Paul, I got to get going because club service will be here. I do too. My kids are fucking home. All right, guys. This has been anything better podcast. We will see you guys next week. Thank you.