Anything Better? - The Malibu Sweatshirt

Episode Date: July 8, 2023

Is there Anything Better than Bill & Paul talking about soft sweatshirts, prison, and driving across Canada together.

what's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast with your host paul versi me bill burr over there andrew themless the producer in Beverly Hills. And you guys listening to episode 81. We are back. Oh, I love these numbers, Bill. I love these 80s. Everyone's fun. 81. Episode 81. Listen to this. Listen to this, Paul. Carl Eller, part of the Purple People Eaters Part of the Purple People Eaters with Jim Marshall. Jim Marshall, he's going the wrong way. Alan Page and somebody else. I forget.

Everybody played a 4-3 back then. Terrell Owens. Yep. Terrell Owens right up there with Jerry Rice. Tim Brown, not only one of the greatest of all time, one of the classiest, makes you want to be a better man randy moss randy moss with you guys he was 81 he was eight four weeks of vikings yep that's right shannon sharp oh shannon sharp thank you for your service right having to do a show with that fucking jerk off all these years

i mean i don't know how he does it i I mean, he's literally – I don't anymore. Well, he's literally a frigging Adonis. He's in a Hall of Famer, and he had to do a show with some guy that you knew was the last dude picked in gym class, and he had to argue with this guy. No, dude. Art Monk. Art Monk. I know you're a Giants fan, but you got to respect.

You got to respect. Dude, Art Monk went to White Plains High School. Art Monk's from Westchester. What was the name of their The nickname of their receiving corps Oh I don't know Come on you remember they had the Hogs Yeah

John Riggins was the Diesel There's Redskins fans right now going crazy There was Clark too They had Clark What were they called though They had Daryl Green Yeah Mark Rippin was just throwing bombs that year Oh my god They had Clark. What were they called, though? They had Daryl Green. Yeah, Mark Rippon was just throwing bombs that year.

Oh, my God. And here we go. Back in the day, Night Train Lane from the great Cleveland Browns. Great Cleveland Browns organization. That was the original Patriots, Bill Belichick, Tom Brady deal there. Dude, Skip Bayless looked at Shannon Sharp. You got me going now with that. Skip Bayless. Wait a second, Andrew, look up Night Train Lane.

He might have been on the Colts. I might be wrong. I think he was part of the Browns. Sorry, go ahead. No, Skip Bayless looked at Shannon Sharp and basically said, like, you weren't that good, you were okay. And, like, dude, Shannon Sharp, like took his glasses off and like started like almost crying and freaking out. Dude, Skip Bayless, man. Piece of work,

that kid. Piece of work. Piece of work. Paul, you have not commented on how ridiculous that I'm dressed. I mean, what am I doing? I look like I got some blow on me. You know what? I was going to say, but you know what? I got to be honest with you, dude. I'm a kid that likes a comfortable sweatshirt. That thing looks amazing. Can? I got to be honest with you, dude. I'm a kid that likes a comfortable sweatshirt. That thing looks amazing. Can I tell you when I bought this thing, dude? I was coming down off of mushrooms, and I'm like, oh, that looks so soft. Dude, I'm watching you in it now, and I'm going, dude, that looks like it falls on you soft.

Dude, I'm telling you right now, if I was the youngest single man, you walk around something like this, they want to snuggle with you. There's one for the younger fellas out there if you got no game put on some soft clothes dude if i was your girlfriend i'd sleep in that there you go a hundred percent hundred percent this is the thing i'm telling you this you know what it is Paul this to be a douche you gotta dress slightly effeminate there's some I'm kind of crossing a line with this thing it's something I don't do often no but you know what you look like you're at the beach house like I dress like that when I'm at the beach house at night it gets a little cool I like that now the sunglasses the sunglasses that's another thing okay I it's good the sweatshirt no i put the sunglasses on because i knew this was i was like all right this is douchey but i gotta take it up

another notch i have to annoy the listeners more so than i usually do oh i thought you wanted to offset the if you thought this was effeminate so you wanted to go gangster with the glasses no but i gotta tell you something dude i just joined this gym i always join bootleg gyms i don't join the fucking chain ones i like the mom and pop places i go into this fucking place you know the workout equipment's fucking old a lot of nautilus looking shit a bunch of older guys looking like chuck norris you know what i, on that fucking thing doing this, right? I go there. I'm telling you, man, it's like this fucking hodgepodge.

Like the people that work out there, it's just fucking hilarious. I was there the other day, right? There was three guys working out in their socks, their little ankle socks on. I don't know why. They were just walking around. I don't know where their sneakers were. They were just like big fucking weights, like 80s style,

in these little ankle socks. And then I'm like, wow, that's fucking insane. The third guy without sneakers on. And I walked by. You know the leg press thing where you sit like an astronaut? Like you go into the room. This guy was sitting on that doing fucking leg presses with mirrored shades on uh i felt like i was like dude are you gonna cut a wrestling promo you know like he'd go

no i'm 10 let me tell you something hulkster it's like i thought he was just gonna jump into some this saturday night dude mirror mirror sunglasses is a statement if you like you could go aviators black you got aviators on they look great if you go mirror if you go mirror it's it's you're trying to say something dude it's you know i just like the way you say mirror you say mirror mirror mirror. Mirror. Mirror. Mirror? Yeah, you're like mirror. Hey, on, Stace.

I got to look at myself in the mirror. Like this. My kids make fun of me. No, this is you. This is how Verzi gets ready. Verzi goes like, he's like, all right, man, I'll be there in a second. Then he goes, you do this fucking, you're checking out your stubble, making sure it looks good, and then you're doing this.

My daughter and son make fun of me. They go in the mirror. They go, guys, guys, this is dad. This is dad. And they go, this is dad. Here's one for you. My daughter told me I was crazy. You think I'm crazy she goes yeah she goes you're cray cray

she learned that at school so she goes you're cray cray I go alright I go on a scale of 1 to 10 how nuts do you think I am she goes 11 but then she laughed at me so at least I'm not scary crazy

dude this fucking air conditioning stinks i'm really uh not i'm kind of not liking the fact that i'm wearing this comfortable sweater oh yeah we're you're uh you're on the east coast yeah or no i'm in atlantic city paul oh let me tell you something let me tell you something about atlantic city paul this as much as you try to look the other way and act like you're above it, these are your people. This is like this is the magnet. This is the magnet, Paul, that pulls all you guys by your fucking chains down here. All you fucking animals. I love how shady shady how white trash i hate i hate the neighborhood

how they don't include people they don't include they built it all up and then they don't give the people the fucking job it's so fucking awful right uh but it is funny some of these places well you'll see there's a giant casino next to some fucking mid-century house, you know, triple-decker where the guy just refused or the woman refused eminent domain or whatever. I guess you can't refuse eminent domain, but they refused. They wouldn't let him buy a house. There's like literally this just one lone house next to a fucking place that sits in a parking lot that they built around it. Looks like it's going to tip over. But I got two shows.

I got one tonight, one tomorrow. And I'm not going to lie to you, Paul. The act is fucking humming along. Nice. Good. Sunglasses, too. Is it possible to not make them crooked? They're always crooked.

We were in Atlantic City. I was in Atlantic City before pandemic. And I said, me and another comic were like, let's go for a walk to the outlets. So they have some sneaker stores. So we walked over to the Puma outlet, and it was cool to be off the path. But, dude, the amount of garbage and glass that was on the sidewalks in front of these people's homes, it was just fucking like the clean up, dude. Like it could be so much nicer. Atlantic City used to be nice, I think, in like the clean up dude like it could be so much nicer atlantic city used to be nice i think in like the fucking 60s i don't think it was ever nice so public you're looking at is you're looking at people left behind not giving a fucking shot and then they get you get blamed

for your situation that's the number one thing that rich people do like this all this fucking global warming shit dude they're gonna fucking blame, they're going to fucking blame us. They're going to start taxing us for our carbon footprint after they created this fucking game where I was fine with phones when it was just a flip phone. And they keep making it go faster and faster. So I have to keep getting the next shit. They're doing it, not us. And then they're going to come back. They're going to charge us because these fucking

politicians paul they got no fucking balls all they're about is trying to stay in their fucking office and they're grossly underpaid so these fucking rich fucks can can uh can bribe them they're gonna blame us for all of this shit but whatever that's too heavy for this podcast no but you know what i was watching something last night it was actually cool to watch it with my son and daughter i was watching this incredible documentary called our planet and dude it's like it was shot in 4k and you honestly can't believe the fucking you can't believe how the camera got next to the the whales and the whales fucking babies and like when these what are those big birds that go out in the middle of the sea and fly not the seagulls

no not seagulls the other ones parakeet sparrow it begins with a B it's a big fucking no not a blue jay anyway they were feeding off this dead... Albatross.

Yes, Albatross. I'm sorry. Albatross. A, not B. Albatross, dude. And they... There's a B in there, though. Dude, they showed this...

Like, they're big. And they can go for weeks at a time, like, at high sea, like, just looking around. And they... Dude, the graphics of this thing. But anyway, the point of this thing is we're extincting. Humans are making some of the most incredible animals in the sea, mammals in the sea, whales. Dude, they're killing also sharks. They're killing a hundred, a hundred million sharks, dude, a year. Like some of these amazing species are going extinct. And then finally, of these amazing species are going extinct and then finally the humpback whale was about to get extinct and then in 1987 finally people said you just can't fucking go whaling you can't fucking

do it anymore and now each year they're slowly they're not they're fucking destroying the rainforest paul and what are they doing paul what are they doing they're just sitting there going can you believe what this sportscaster said you hear what that going, can you believe what this sportscaster said? You hear what that comedian said? Can you believe what this mayor said? It's just like they're just focusing on stupid shit, Paul. Yeah. You know what it is, Paul? Everybody needs to get a nice, soft Malibu fucking sweatshirt.

We all need to give each other a fucking hug. Do mushrooms. Do mushrooms. Stop blaming poor people for their position. Stop listening to world leaders. Dude, there's something else. You know what? You go to war.

They have fucking manicured nails. You fucking do it. Yeah. I'll tell you who would do it, though. Who would go to the fucking war? Vladimir Putin. That guy's a fucking lunatic. Saddam Hussein's another guy.

That guy was a gamer. That was a gamer. I'm trying to think. Let's pick an American president that would. I think. Who's the last? Eisenhower. I think RFK Jr., the one that's running now. Obviously, I think that dude is jacked. I think that dude is all real, dude. I think that dude would go. Yeah. And you watch the left the left is already trashing him paying him as a conspiracy theorist already the enemy he's already the enemy yeah because he's gonna do something for regular people paul regular guys like me with the malibu sweatshirt and sunglasses here's the deal though i don't want to see any world leader with no shirt

you just can't go shirtless as the leader dude you just can't well what about if you're on hgh um yeah but even that's weird dude like you can't like putin's sitting on horses with no shirt i don't want to see my leader with no shirt dude you could get putin has such an issue with his age that fucking guy dude there's nothing funnier than watching that guy scoring goals playing hockey dude he's the only guy i've ever seen scores like i could cover that guy and i can barely skate backwards i could i could handle that guy but you know what he's got that heart attack mist in his jersey he dropped the gloves and he'd spray it on you you die of a heart attack you die of a heart attack and then then all the Russia would go along with the live.

He was so afraid of him. Once he got his Russian bear mitts on him, the American Yankee had a fucking heart attack. Dude, imagine if somebody threw him in the boards and just checked him in the boards in his face when that guy's family would be dead the next day. Oh dude, you would be in fucking.

Dude, I will, I will tell you this dude. I will, I will tip my my furry hat to the russians here when you go to jail they fucking punish you over there man i'm not saying we don't do it here but like i watch these guys dude like they have the lights on all day and you're not allowed to lay down in your bunk they just have to fucking stand up the whole goddamn day and then anywhere you go, these like the worst,

they would like tie your arms behind your back onto this fucking piece of wood. And you had to walk around bent over at the waist. I don't, I don't know how, I don't know how they, I don't know how they think. I would just be like, can you fucking assholes just kill me already? All right. I got one. I got one for you. All right. This'll be a good, anything better. Oh, I can see the fans already talking about this one. This will be a good one. Ready? Yeah.

Your first day in a maximum. Let's do this. Let's do it. You do your first day and what I do. Your first day, you get maximum security, regardless of if you did it. You're a good guy. So let's say you didn't do it. But you're in there.

You got sentenced to 14 years. They said you manslaughter you did, but they're sending you to fuck it. They're sending you to, you know, really, really high security, maximum security, rapists, murderers. You go in there day one, you got your fucking blanket. You got your clothes. You're walking through. Everyone's going, Hey, new me meat fucking pussy welcome to my world they're banging on their fucking thing and you just get

in there and they clink the fucking door shut you sit down and they're yelling what does bill bird do day one like what what are you trying to set a precedent i sucked the first dick I see. Sorry. I just knew because everybody knew you were going to try to say something badass. I had to go the other way. No.

What I would do, this is the safest move. You attack a guard. You attack a guard because all the guard's going to do is beat you. Here's the funniest thing. Going back to what you said, it would be funny if somebody just went the other way,

like right as they get in and walk in. They're like, I'm going to suck your dick later. Yeah, you want it? You want it? Yo, I'll suck everybody's dick. Yo, the whore is here. The whore is here. It's like turning a crowd around.

You get like applause breaks and shit. You get a dick shot. I have no fight in me. Oh, dude. That is so. No, I think they say you're supposed to fucking. They say like guys that survived it. Like the first time you get challenged you just got to

beat the fuck out of the guy but dude that's such a horrible you don't have to do that you just have to fight so what i would do is uh i would probably go after a guard because all the guard's gonna do is beat the fuck out of you he's not gonna rape you he's got pussy on the outside so you know other than that i mean what am i gonna do Paul? I mean, I have no fucking idea. I don't have any of those. I don't have any of that skill set. Yeah. I think I would just try to make as many friends as I could day one at lunch.

Just start cracking jokes. Just start telling stories. But then I would sit there and think he's trying too hard. This guy's a bitch. Yeah. The other thing, you know what I would do? What you do is the first thing, you learn how to do a prison tattoo. And you tattoo a swastika right on your forehead so they think you're nuts.

And you just get in with the Aryans, right? And then when you do your sentence, you fucking put a wool hat on. And you just go, hey, man, I need a tattoo removed. put a wool hat on and you just go hey man i need a tattoo removed no but actually they said they did an undercover show where a guy went in and they do say that when you go into jail you have to choose a group and the people that don't choose a group are never trusted and it's so like like a white dude either has to go with the arians or there's actually like another group that's like none of them, but they stay together. But you have to choose like a clan.

What would suck is if you joined the Aryans, you know you'd have to prove to them in some fucking way that you feel the way that they do. So there should be like a sports fan. It should be like a sports fans group. Just guys that just can't stop arguing sports. Can I hang with them, dude? I'll be with them, dude. Yeah, and I just want to do my time. I admit that I fucked up.

I am guilty. Can I just fucking sit here, you assholes? I remember this woman undercover went to a woman's jail. And she described it so perfectly. She said, this is just a giant dormitory of idiots fighting over nothing. Something like that. She just cut right to it. It was just like, these people are getting fucking upset oh it's all that respect thing and like i don't know it's it's the mindset but then there's also you know there are some people

that just like to fight like really like fucking enjoy it you know what i mean like you know sometimes you talk to they'll talk to boxers and stuff and they talk about the fear they have when they're sitting there waiting to fight. And then they turn it into like. You know, I remember Mike Tyson going, I'm scared of the thing, but by the time I get to the ring, I'm a god and I can't be beaten. That fucking look on his face. Jesus Christ. Right. He would kill people. but then there's other guys i think like um there was this one guy uh that i recently saw and that all the boxes were afraid of because he was actually legit crazy he was a fucking crazy person in there um ended up killing his wife and then he killed himself uh uh south american dude was a fucking unbelievable fighter there was another guy i saw rogan talking about this guy was a fucking lunatic he would get in there right and he would get you into like one of those submission holds

like an arm bar and you would tap and he wouldn't stop And he'd fucking blow out your elbow or rip up your knee. And he did it like three, four times, I think, or three times before Dana kicked him out. Like, you can't be fucking, like, what are you doing here? Like, that's like a. I remember seeing that guy. And the guy's going, get off, get off. And he just wouldn't. Yeah.

Yeah, that's like a. That's like a that's that's like a like those guys uh not only i feel would survive but they would actually be the problem you know i used to do a bit about like do you think serial killers when they walk through central park at three in the morning get scared and they sit there like for half a second going what's this a psycho in here oh wait a minute it's me and then they can like relax and they can walk through the park like it's fucking they're like oh no yeah that's like it's two in the afternoon dude i saw this guy one time he went to jail right this white dude and dude he was like so detached where he was just like he goes i came in here and you know

i didn't want to be here but then i realized that i was here and i just realized that i had to become basically the best i could be at this being a fucking lunatic and he talked about he killed his his cellmate or he fucked his cellmate up to the point the guy's eye popped out of his head. And afterwards, he said the guards came in. He goes, yeah. And he goes, we were looking for it. They go, well, what happened to it? And he goes, we don't know.

Like he then psychologically wasn't the person that did it he was he was then with the guards like looking for it it was fucking and he was just doing it with like this smile and like this relaxed me one of the scariest dudes yeah you know if somebody's evil and they're acting evil it's like all right but when it's But when they're sitting there like looking like, you know, they're over there in laws trying to be like act on their best behavior. And all of a sudden this is delicious, you know, even if they don't like it. Yeah. Yeah. I stopped watching those things, by the way, those behind the scenes prison things. Dude, sociopaths. I did some actually. You always goof on me about not reading.

I got to tell you something, dude. I read like characteristics of sociopaths and where they come from and what they do. And now it's easy to spot. The difference between a narcissist and a sociopath is actually, it's significant. It's like narcissism is just somebody that everything is about them. A sociopath is like they can't fathom they can't a sociopath cannot fathom other people's feelings if that person hurt it so like if you went to a sociopath and you were like you hurt my feelings to them they

would go like what are you crazy no i didn't like they don't even they don't even see it, dude. It's a real fucking sickness, dude. It's a real fucking like a social. They pretend they pretend that they understand. Oh, I'm so sorry. But Bob, if I like they sort of. Yeah, they don't they mirror. They sort of mirror what like whatever emotion you're putting out, they do the same thing. Yeah, dude. And I told you this on the phone, man. I have, oh, I got a couple of sociopaths. I mean, narcissists in my life, dude. And my shoes is short for them now. Really fucking short for it.

I'm just done with it, dude. It's like, listen, everybody's got a little bit of self-absorbed shit with their careers and their life and stuff. But I'm talking about people that like are narcissists to the point where. I don't know what you're talking about, Paul. You know what it is about me, Paul? I'm a giver, you know, and it's really painful because I feel feelings so much.

painful because I feel feelings so much. I'm going to build my act right now about people who can make anything about themselves. So funny. Like the people dying in the submersible gay pride. They're not even gay and they're making the month about themselves, about how fucking

how much they're an ally to gay people. It's like, dude, this isn't your month. Can you just shut up? Can you just shut the fuck up? You want to know one thing sociopaths say? No, one thing narcissists say? There's a list of six things that if you hear people say this, one of six things narcissists say,

and one of them is, I'm sorry you feel that way. So if you say something to a narcissist and they go, oh, I'm sorry you feel that way, that's like them to a narcissist and they go oh i'm sorry you feel that way that's like them being like oh that's on you like they're basically saying like that's not an apology yeah i did one of my specials that paul what one of my specials is i'm sorry you feel that way oh okay because that was my way of saying i don't give a fuck that you didn't like the joke right right so it was the non-apology apology and yeah it's it's almost in the kind of calling you like a bitch oh yeah yeah oh i'm sorry you feel that way you fucking yeah grow up baby and it's

like no no i'm telling you what what you did which i didn't like they're the worst dude i got them in my life and i can't wait for them to be out of it yeah i feel like narcissists live forever like god's got this funny thing where he doesn't want to meet his mistakes you know i feel like he's a little braggadocious because he's always taking good people early. And I feel like, hey, look at this guy. Look at this one I made. He's fucking this guy. Get in here.

Right. But all these fucking assholes. Yeah. Assholes, man. They fucking live forever. I'm trying to think. I'm sorry, guys, about this. I got the landscaper right next to the fucking window.

You know, of course, he's here during the podcast. Is that all right? That son of a bitch. I'll fire him. I'll fire him. I can't hear it. Okay, good, good. Well, we had a good 4th of July, man.

We had a good 4th of July, and everybody was safe. Nobody got hurt. We had a great show. We went a little smaller. You guys got to come next year, man. You guys got to just pack it up, bring everybody, and come, man. I know. You always ask me two days before, and I always forget.

You got to let me know. Yeah, yeah. We got to do it one time, or we'll just get all the people out there all the good guys hey guess what i i got to do finally gonna talk sports here i got to sit in a broadcast booth for the entire game when extra innings of a uh red sox twins they hit a walk-off single, I believe, twins did. They're in first place, Paul, by the way. First place in the Central, playing about 493 ball. Yeah, dude, it is early. Dude, I was up there with Dave O'Brien and Kevin Euclid, and I got to tell you something.

That was a dream of mine to do that. But you have that. That is a fucking hard job. That is a really hard job. Like there's so much stuff to be paying attention to. And it's so much fun for three innings. Then you start settling in. You start going like, you're like, wow, man, this is like,

it's a three-hour performance. Yeah. Where you get these little breaks, you know, in between innings or whatever. But. Who's the guy who speaks? Because, like, usually there's a guy. So, like, when Michael Kay does it with Paul O'Neill, Paul O'Neill's the guy that doesn't talk as much.

Who's the guy that talks to, like, who's the Michael Kay of that? Is it Euclid? Who does most of it? No, no, no. Euclid does color. And then Dave O'Brien does, does the play by play. Got it. Got it. So yeah. And like trying to figure out how to tell a story with that. Like, I swear to God, if you start telling a story, somebody hits a single or there's a home run or there's a controversial somebody tries to steal second trying to like slip things in is it's it's really uh you know i like i already had like respect for it but you know any sports fan moron like me could be after that they should put me in the floor you know dude you and i would fucking it's like no dude that is a it is a skill yes that is a skill learning how to do that so i imagine uh you know who's what's his face tom brady i think they might be putting him in the

booth i think like trying to get that in dude they're giving him big money too they're giving him the amount of hate like tony romo gets yeah where it's like i like you can almost know you can almost know like too much stuff like i i know a guy right who's like a fucking you know he he's a little self-involved, right? So he hates Tony Romo, and I know why he hates him, because he knows more about the game than he does. So he likes to be the guy predicting what's going to happen next to his buddies that are watching the game. But Tony Romo fucking, I mean, that guy is like Nostradamus with football.

Like, he just knows what the fuck's going to happen. So he's kind of stealing his dude-I-called-it moments. All the narcissists hate Romo. What he just said, though, it's like they can't handle that he knows. Yeah, here's the thing. I love listening to Tony Romo because I feel like he answers questions I didn't even know I had. That's exactly how I feel.

He says things and you're like, oh, is that why they're doing that? Oh, you learned. Hey, I didn't know they were doing that, and now you told me why they were doing that. Tony Romo's my favorite color guy that's come along in a long time. Like, I love Collinsworth. It's kind of funny. I actually love the guys was kind of funny.

I love, I actually love the guys that kind of get the most shit. And I think they get the most shit because morons, they, they, they make morons feel stupid. You know what? I think there's some truth to that. I got to tell you something,

and this is nothing against, I hate to, I hate to bash anything a comedian ever does on this show or in life but having said that when bill burr hit the stage in atlantic city oh no having said that when dennis miller was doing monday night football and he would just go like two teammates would fight he'd be like i haven't seen that since the civil war it's just like he would just throw in these fucking things that were just like what are you like it was like his act he would just say something like i was watching

national geographic guys on polar bear did the same thing you're like what i have to be honest with you i don't think uh i i just don't think it's it's not the right move. It's like, okay, so if you didn't pick him, who are you going to pick? Everyone was going to do their shtick. I went in there and I did that. Overall, I got good reviews, but you wouldn't want me in there

every single fucking game because they were like baseball purists going, what the fuck am I listening to this jerk-off comedian? But I understood what they were saying i was also like dude there's 162 games jesus christ the other 161 you're gonna have two pros in here man they're just doing something to fucking switch it up but um and you probably had euclid's and the other guys so relieved that you were in there giving them a little fucking break for a day. Oh, we had a great time. We had a great time.

And I'll tell you, dude, Minneapolis, Minneapolis in June, the amount of people that don't know shit about Minnesota in their winters, go to Minneapolis in June and like, man, I could do this, man. All these fucking lakes out here. It's got a killer food scene, live music scene great fucking people it's fucking beautiful in june right come like january you feel like you live on pluto now i don't know what all this global warming what it's gonna do but like like that fucking place like i would just say that entire area north dakota south dakota fucking uh uh minnesota up in belize down to iowa nebraska kansas that shit in january and february is not

for the week that is you know you're not gonna go down and get your little cup of java and your little wormy fucking mittens and survive it dude that that shit it looks like the once they cut the crops down and that overcast sky meets the dirt and you can see fucking 100 miles of that shit dude go fuck yourself man that that's a special kind of tough that can live out there i uh i knew a guy from there and he would say that in january and february he'd have to go out at least an hour early because his car was caked over with ice and a lot of times the engines wouldn't start and they just had to thaw out the car and they put some special thing to make the thing start because it would get so cold in winnipeg they have that winnipeg they all had these fucking

things hanging out the front to keep that their engine literally from freezing overnight so they could start it up. Yep. Yeah. Dude, Winnipeg. Winnipeg's another good one. Like all these fucking people, man, I swear to God, like, you know, they make fun of the middle of nowhere. There's a beauty to it of being able to just drive down the street with your arm out the window not have any traffic or anything but then there's

always the balance of life that you know i just can't be around people that are like fucking super racist and and and just saying all that dumb shit and and you know like i was saying earlier like blaming poor people for being poor is one of my favorite fucking things. Like, like they're choosing it. Like, you know, who, like who the fuck would choose that? It's the stupidest thing. And just like looking the other way, you know, it's very parental, you know, like when you confront your parents, you, Hey, you know, you kind of did this and if I never did that yeah i was just a joke that was a long time ago it's just like all right you know what sucks about getting older

when you get older and you realize what happened and you realize that your parents were just big kids too like when you're a kid when you're a kid you think your parents because they're older you think they have this unbelievable knowledge and that they're your protector and that oh it's them so i'll be okay and then you get old enough to where they were when you thought they were like that and you realize no they were just scared fucked up and just and and totally misguided and i was figuring it out yeah Yeah, they were figuring it out. And it was harder for them because there was. Oh, fuck them.

Imagine. No, there's just less information. Yeah. They were told to sit down and shut the fuck up. So that's what they did. I think like somewhere along the line. I don't know. They switched it the other line, I don't know. They switched it the other way.

I don't know. We'll see. We'll see how, you know, the job I'm doing with my kids. Sometimes I worry I'm, you know, too much of a pushover. But I'd rather go that way than. Oh, yeah. I'm way. Than the other.

I just was FaceTiming with my lovely wife and my son was getting a haircut. He was all excited. Like the first, he's like, no, I don't want him. Then the guy came in. He was like, he called him uncle. He knew it wasn't his uncle, but he just called him uncle. He's going haircut, haircut. And he got like all excited.

He's almost totally potty trained, dude. I'm'm almost out of diapers and there's a lot of things there's a lot of sadness to them moving along as they grow up diapers is not one of them you know diapers in the car not strapping them in the car is also a free game changer when that happens you know when they could just go in the back and put the seat belt on oh oh i know isn't it unreal dude that was like somebody taking your you know, when they could just go in the back and put the seatbelt on. Oh. Oh, I know. Isn't it unreal? Dude, that was one of the most stressful. You know, like somebody pumping your gas for you

or taking your bags to the room, just some little convenience like that. Like, oh, my God, that was amazing. Thank you so much for putting your own seatbelt on. That was like that Louis C. ck joke where you walk around and that's the vacation uh when you strap them in and you walk around the car that's the 100 percent that that is the biggest like thing that you learn early on as a parent like oh holidays are not a break after the holidays when they go back to school, that is my vacation. Yet I'm still working.

But I don't have like, like, dude, we did this. Dude, that's 100% right, Bill. When my 4th of July party was over was when I go, dude, the amount of effort and food and fireworks and making sure everybody's safe and nobody gets hurt or burned. Making sure everybody's eating. The money going out, getting the ice, getting the coolers, doing everything. And, you know, I'm not fucking getting frozen burgers. What am I, nuts? I fucking make them.

You know what I mean? I make 50 of them. You know, you got to do it right. And then people start leaving and you go, oh, pour me a glass of wine. It's fucking over. Go ahead. I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. And you get halfway through the glass and you pass out.

Oh, you know, me and Nia did the ultimate. Okay. Ultimate, ultimate parental mistake on, I think it was the third, the day before, right? We took the kids to the park and we're like, we're going to wear these kids out. We're going to wear them out and they're going to go home

and they're going to just nap and we're going to be fine. And dude, you cannot wear kids out. You know what happens? You get worn out. That's what ended up happening. Like we would, you know, we were coming up with games.

They called you bluff, dude. They called you bluff. They had a little meeting and they were like,, we were coming up. They called you bluff, dude. They called you bluff. They had a little meeting and they were like, dude, let's run around and think dude. Dude. I'm like, I'm like a fucking Camaro with 120,000 abusive miles on it.

And they're, they're coming right off the showroom floor. And I'm revving my engine. Like I'm going to fucking keep up with them. Yeah. They had just just it's actually fucking it's it's it's fun to uh it was fun to watch I actually I had a great time but then like my off I just had one of those things you know where your wife goes why don't we go here right on July 4th oh July 4th we also went to the park where your wife goes, why don't we go here? Right. On July 4th. Oh, July 4th. We also went to the park and my wife was like, why don't we go to this such and such place? And I'm like, you want to go like a really touristy place. I'm like, you want to go there?

It's July 4th. She goes, yeah, you know, just, you know, kind of tire him out or whatever. And I'm like on July and I'm thinking in my head, we have 363 days to not fucking go here. Every fucking jerk off on the planet is going to go to this fucking place and dude we showed up shit show and this is what i don't understand when a bunch of people are going to be there you know what they do they start setting up cones and they take away a bunch of parking spots it's like so 50 fire trucks can pull in just in case so i had to drop them off drive all the way down the fucking hill, like a quarter of a mile away, half mile away is the dad. And then you got to park and walk all the way up.

It's just like, no. Yeah. You know what's funny? I was kind of losing my shit while I was going like, why are you getting mad at this bill? This is this is part of the gig. You don't want to be a fucking dad. You know? Don't have kids.

All right? But this is part of it. Yeah. This is part of the gig. This is part of the gig. So I fucking chilled out. Dude, I just saw a helicopter take off from the pier down here. R44.

Great thing. We're going to wrap this puppy up here. I want to thank everybody for listening. Please, guys, I know you guys are asking about the show. We're going to be back to every week when the NFL starts. We're doing two a month until the NFL starts. So continue to subscribe, like, listen back to old episodes. We're coming back.

I will be July 22nd and 23rd. I'm going to be at CB Live, Copper Blues Live in Phoenix, Arizona. And then I have dates in the fall, guys, October. I'm going to Philly. I'm going to San Diego. You go to PaulBerzi.com for those. Bill, I know you're on tour right now doing doing shows, right? I'm in the middle of a four week run. Next week, I got to Tacoma in Edmonton. And then, Paul, yeah, I got sort of a vacation. Dude, I have a memory of Edmonton. I have a memory of Edmonton with you.

When we did Moncton to Victoria, and we did 22 shows in 20 days, which I can't believe is 10 years ago, I think, dude, which is so crazy to think of. We did Moncton to Victoria. It was 20 days, 22 shows. That's what people still talk about. He gets a little emotional, but we're in Edmonton and Bill and I would be in the car going to these gigs and we would kind of push each other. We would always like try to do one like that and i just said this thing i'll never forget this dude people remember this too i'm in the car with bill and i go yeah dude i go i want to do a joke about every time you go to a guy's house you see the wedding picture with him and

his wife and his wife looks like she was training for the decathlon she's just like you see her jaw line and she fucking you see her biceps and i go you know and then like a couple years later it just goes to shit and i go at least meet me halfway at least come down the aisle halfway so i know what i'm dealing with and bill goes you actually said to me one time i swear to god it actually made me feel good because you said in the car rest his soul you go patrice would have loved that that's what you said but anyway we're i'm on stage and i'm having a yeah because you're not even considering that they probably got that way because they gave you a couple of kids and you're like what happened to the fucking product dude so and listen it happens to it so dude we're in a theater

there's 2800 people i'm having a good set and And I go, all right, let it fly. And I never forget. I go, yeah, man, they look like they trained for that. I was like, then it just goes to shit. I go like, what the fuck? And dude, you just heard one person in the theater. It was so quiet. You just hear one person in the theater go, oh my god. Dude, am I fucking sick?

I remember that. You remember that? Yeah, you ate it. You ate it hard on that one. You see how someone goes, oh my God. And then in the car, I was like, at least I tried this. Go ahead,

man. Plug your shit. I'm sorry. No, there's a way to do it. I think that was, where was, did we play hockey up there too? I remember I brought my, I bought all of my equipment. We played hockey all the way across there. I think played no we played hockey you played hockey in ottawa montreal i believe in monkton monkton our first fucking one we played in a rink and i fucking for some because i wasn't

doing anything i wanted to contribute guy took a wrist shot and I blocked it with my skate. It hit my big toe. My big toe turned the color of fucking Barney the dinosaur. And each one was a little lighter purple all the way down to the pinky. Like the first three. It was like somebody took a purple spray can and went like that. Kind of lift it up as they went past. I remember thinking like, why the fuck did I do that? We're not playing for money.

We're not in the league. It was just because I knew I wasn't doing anything, and I was playing with Canadian guys. I remember. And I already think that they think Americans suck. I'm like, well, I got to do something. At least block a shot. Those passive-aggressive assholes.

All right, guys, listen. We are wrapping this puppy up. Thank you for listening. Rate and review the show and please subscribe. Tell your friends about the Anything Better podcast. We'll be back next week. Anything else, Andrew? We good? All right. See you guys next week. Take care. Thank you. Bye.