Anything Better? - You Jumped Out Like Superman

Episode Date: September 3, 2022

Is there Anything Better than Bill & Paul talking about Paul's brush with death and the start of another season?

it's helix everybody helix is a sponsor of the anything better podcast how long have you had your mattress uh how has your sleep improved helix Sleep is a premium mattress brand that provides tailored mattresses based on your unique preferences. The Helix lineup includes 14 unique mattresses, including a collection of luxury models, a mattress for big and tall sleepers, and even a mattress made just for kids. Helix is offering up to $200 off mattresses, orders, and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash better with Helix Sleep Better starts now. What's up everybody and welcome back to the Anything Better podcast with your host Paul Verzi, Bill Burr and our producer Andrew Themlis. You guys are listening to episode number 68. Bill, who do we got?

I'll tell you who we got. All right. One of the great offensive guards when I was growing up, Joseph Michael Delamlier, I hope I said it right, played for the Buffalo Bills and blocked for OJ Simpson when he ran for 2,000 yards in a 14-game season. Simpson when he ran for 2,000 yards in a 14-game season. All right, he played from 73 to 79 with the Buffalo Bills. He played from 80 to 84 for the Cleveland Browns. We also have Will Shields. These are all going to be guards, Paul. These are the thinking men of football. Shields was a mauler in the run game and helped pave the way for the likes of Marcus Allen, Priest Holmes, remember him? And Larry Johnson, not the Knick.

He played in 12 Pro Bowls, which is a league record. He was also named an All-Pro following seven of his 14 seasons. Shields has been inducted into the Pro Football and College Football Hall of Fame. Kevin Maui, eight Pro Bowl appearances, three first-team All-Pro, Pro Football Hall of Fame inductee. Bottom line, Kevin Maui was the consummate lead-by-example player who doesn't get the requisite credit for being one of the best centers in NFL history. Honorable mention, L.C LC Greenwood honorable mention the steel curtain who wrote that that guy should have been at the top the gold high tops in Super Bowl

10 honorable mention my God I don't know who said that i'm not blaming you andrew but someone from your generation said lc greenwood um what's the world coming to what's the world coming to i mean come on man uh nba milt schoon you know him paul you're a big n guy from the Detroit Falcons. 1947, before they moved to Atlanta. Became a sorry-ass football team. Sorry. I shouldn't say that. I loved the Falcons when I was growing up. Steve Bartkowski, Billy White Shoes Johnson.

Milton W. Schoon, position, center, shoots right, 6'7", 230. And he died in 2015 at the age of 92. Major League Baseball, 68's Paul. All right, now what's the over-under? Are you going to know any of these names? One. Okay. And I'm taking the under.

Dallin Bettenses, Ross Stripling, Matt Barnes. That's such a basic name. It sounds familiar. Jalen Beeks, Jake Newbery, Jordan Romano. In hockey, though. In hockey. Joe Bartnick would kill us if we didn't bring up the great 68, Yaramir Yager.

Dude, Yager played. One thing I know, I'm not a hockey guy. That guy just, all I know is that guy played forever. Yes, he did. Ever. Lager played. One thing I know, I'm not a hockey guy. That guy just, all I know is that guy played forever. He played forever. Yes, he did. Ever. Melkner Carlson. And now we're done.

There we go. Episode 68. And we are back. We are back, Paul. I got one for you guys. I am glad that I am sitting here talking to my two friends and I am okay. Because something happened today, which scared a lot of people, including myself. And this has never happened to me before. So, uh, I get a phone

like, dude, this could have been a fucking YouTube clip. Thank God. It's not. I get a phone call from a buddy last night on my way to a gig. And he says, Hey, Pauly, do you want to play golf? Now I haven't played golf in weeks. And he goes, do you want to play golf at nine o'clock in the morning? I have a busy day today. I got to go down. I got four sets tonight. I got a bunch of shit, but I'm like, you know what? I haven't swung the old wrenches in a long time. I'm going to be rusty. Let me go and do it. He's like, yeah, my buddy, my buddy's coming. It's just going to be us three. I meet the guy. The guy's nice. We go out, we go to my friend's private club and i'm playing fucking great golf okay on the front nine at least hitting the ball well you know letting the club do the

work dude fast forward we're on 16 and i'm in a cart with a guy and the and the guy there's a guy there's a guy solo and then i'm in a cart with my buddy, my buddy. And I, he's on one side of the fairway. I'm on the other. I'm a little bit in the rough in front of the sand trap. He runs up to his ball and I got to bring the cart to him. And I'm in the golf cart on the passenger side. So I lean over and I put my hand on the steering wheel and I hit the gas to go down a path and the path goes down and then up. Dude, I hit the gas and it goes down and I don't see a drop and the thing drops and I'm in the passenger side and it starts shaking. And dude, I couldn't, it started to tip. So I took it left.

And when I took it left, there was a hump of grass. It hits the hump of grass and goes up. I tried to get it, dude. The guy, his friend is watching me. I go down. I turn. And I have both bags, everything, cigars lit, bag of iced waters. And I start going down.

And it fucking starts tilting, dude. And I go and I put my leg in because I felt like I was going to break my leg. And I go down, I jump out, dude. I jumped fucking out. Oh, you rolled it? I rolled it and it fucking, it smashes. Dude, it smashes and hits so hard.

And the guy comes running up, dude. And like, I didn't even know what happened guys like bill i freaked out and i go he goes dude dude are you all right and and it's on the side i jumped out he goes dude you jumped out like superman are you i go i go i got out i just kept saying i think i got out i got out and i'm feeling my legs and i'm to see if i'm all right and my hip was hurting dude this thing exploded all the clubs went it fucking nuts. And I never rolled it before. And, you know, like when you're embarrassed, you just want it to be over. So I try lifting it up. I go, hey, can you help me with this? And we just fucking put the thing back up with all of our fucking energy. We put the thing back up. He goes, dude, are you all right? And I go, yeah, no, no, I'm good, dude. I got out. I got out. And he goes, are you sure, man? You good? And he was like, his fucking adrenaline was going.

I go, no, no, I'm good. So I drive up to my buddy and I go, Derek, dude. And it's his course. It's his club. I go, dude, I flipped the car. And he's just walking. He goes, what? I go, dude, I flipped the car.

And he goes, shut the fuck up. No, you didn't. I go, no, dude, I flipped your cart. And he goes, shut the fuck up. No, you didn't. I go, no, dude, I flipped your cart, dude. It exploded everywhere. So the other guy comes up. He goes, dude, that was nuts. He goes, dude, my adrenaline's going. And I was a little sore.

And the guy said that as I went there, dude, I hit the accelerator and there was no braking. And then I was going too fast and I couldn't hit the brake. So I just sped and I fucking flipped the dude, but I guess I got out before the roof could hit me. And, uh, yeah, man,

I never did that before. So I was doing, I'm not going to lie. What did you, that all those clubs, the ice and you squirting out the side, like fucking Superman. And that sounds amazing.

No, he goes, he goes, I don't know how you got out dude he goes if that roof would have hit you but i think as it was going i knew to to kind of i but dude it was fucked up man i got you got cat like quicknesses paul no dude i got lucky is what i got you know what's funny dude is the few times that i golf like i if somebody tells me to you know bring the golf cart around i always just ease my foot on because I feel like everyone it's like an oven.

Yeah, everyone's a little bit 350 is different in every one of them. You know what I mean? Yeah. And you can't know why I used a cooking analogy there. It's probably the first thing from fucking golf. And you know what, Paul? It's it's like a it's like a trapeze artist. They're all gears.

It's like painting apeze artist. They're all geared. It's like painting a picture. No, dude. Bill, I swear to God, though, and for anybody listening, don't do the passenger side where you just grab the wheel from the passenger side and hit the gas pedal because the gas pedal went like this. I couldn't even reach my foot over to the place. Guys, just remember, when you're driving a golf cart, try to do it from the driver's side.

You were pushing it down with your left foot, too, weren't you? I was pushing it down my left foot. Yeah, and that one doesn't have the muscle memory. And I didn't realize to hit a brake. Dude, I'm just picturing you stepped on that shit and your fucking head snapped back. Dude, and it just started going down. And I'm going like this. Dude, and the rattling of the clubs will scare you.

That'll get in your head. You got to block that out. Dude, it scared me. You know that orthopedic surgeons say the number one thing that snaps guys' ankles is when they fucking drive a golf cart with one leg hanging out, which everybody does. I've been saying that for fucking ever. Every time I golf, I go, What is the deal with everybody having their leg Fucking hanging out

He said the toe catches and it just Fucking snaps people's legs It's fucking dude It's nuts So I call Stacy Dude you gotta have fucking respect With the golf cart That's more dangerous than a fucking car in a lot of ways

Because there's no crumple zones dude that's like crashing in like a fucking car that was made in 1928 and the bottom is so heavy i called stacy and i told her and i'm not gonna lie she just fucking sent a meme she sent one of those things of a guy flying dude we were crying she sent a meme of a guy that flew off and got air and then came down andrew can you look that up can you just look up like golf cart crashes i'm not gonna thank god you got out man dude i was a little shaken up and the dude the dude said to me the dude goes dude he's like he's like i watched it he goes you were going and when you tried to get it i was like he's not gonna get it and he's like you fucking jumped out going to get it. And he's like, you fucking jumped out.

And I was like, yeah, I don't know how the fuck I jumped out, dude. But I'll tell you what, those golf carts have a lot of weight on the bottom. Like the bottom is fucking heavy, dude. And yeah, man, I was just afraid I was going to break my leg and not be able to travel and shit. If I was there, I would still be laughing. Once I knew you were all right. But I would probably already be laughing when I walked up, hoping that you were okay because there was no way I would be able to hold that in.

Yeah, dude, I'm not going to lie. I was afterwards, they were like, you want a drink? And I was like, yeah, yeah, give me a John Daly. Give me a John. Yo, dude, my. It's the, uh, which. Oh, Mike. See that one with the two people in it, dude.

Fuck. Oh, God. He just. All right. This is, this is a bad one. I got a story. I remember reading. There was some guy south of here, like down in San Diego.

Older guy. And there was like a cliff that went down to a road and he accidentally had it in reverse. He was an older guy and he hit it. He went down the back. The guy fucking died. I mean, those things I'm telling you, dude, like there's so many reasons to not play golf. I just didn't know the course, dude. just frustrating you can die and then you die a funny death like people are like feeling bad but they're kind of like you fucking no the all right no golf cart but you nailed it you nailed it more than I could you articulated it perfectly my left foot didn't know my brain and left foot didn't know to do anything other than go down.

So I hit the accelerator as I was going down. Cause I just didn't fucking know, dude. That's like my son and my daughter. Like when I take out my old truck and they want to put it like, I literally, I have it in neutral and then I put my foot underneath the throttle. Cause they'll just, they'll just step on it oh dude we were in las we were in las vegas bobby kelly goes fuck it dude i'm gonna come with you and vos because me and vos would play like every other day in vegas and and bobby goes dude fuck it we're gonna play nine eat lunch he brings his cigars dude me and bobby are in a cart and fucking vos is in a cart and fucking Voss is in a cart by himself. Bobby has the video. He has the video and Voss is looking at his phone. And as he's looking at his phone, he hit a cactus and

you just hear the back of his fucking cart went up. His chest hit the, his chest hit the fucking steering wheel. And you just hear Bobby, Bobby fucking lost control of himself because boss was looking at his phone he just fucking hit like one of those like hump cactuses yeah those little balls yeah like and it made his cart go up in the back and his chest hit and he's making all these grunts and bobby's going ah you know when he laughs like that. I'll tell you something, man. Those golf carts, if you're going fast enough, like, can you think about it? There's no seatbelt. You got all that weight. Dude, I mean, what's the difference?

You know, it's just, I imagine it weighs as much as those fucking four-wheelers that if you roll it and it crushes you, you could really get fucked up or just, like, blow out your Achilles. I was scared, dude. I felt this thing going, tipping down the hill. And I got, I'm not going to lie, dude. It was kind of a blur. It was kind of like when people say like, oh, it happened so fast.

I felt that because I don't even really remember. I just, dude, it was an explosion, dude. Cigar ashes. You froze a little. And at the last second, your cat-like quickness saved you. He said, the guy goes, I don't know how you got out, dude. He goes, you jumped out like Superman. He goes, I don't know how you got out dude he goes you jumped out like superman because i don't know how you got out i don't either dude i don't know how it did the bugs bunny thing we're right as the rock right before it hits the ground

you stepped off it yeah so uh played all right though hit the ball well hit the ball i will say there's a lot of people well into their older ages drive like jerk offs in golf carts. Like they're always flooring it and just turning the fucking wheel. It's like, dude, I'm going to fall out of this thing. This car is going to land on me. They just can you just stop? Yeah.

And a lot of these new courses and country clubs have electric ones that just fucking they zip. They're all electric. Are they? I don't think they all are i don't think of course i don't know if they're all like crazy they're not all electric some are but the the newer ones they're trying to make like fucking teslas these things just fucking that's stupid but i my whole life they were always electric okay i used to caddy a long time ago 40 fucking years ago paul it's how old i am i remember the big deals if you did doubles just watching the court walking the course and uh hopefully you get a couple guys that could play

or it was a fucking nightmare trying to like uh see where the hell the goddamn ball landed fucking nightmare trying to like uh see where the hell the goddamn ball landed dude i cadded at an all jewish club and i had the same guy every time he liked me you know and every time he would swing bad he'd go ah my back and his partner would go yeah dude do you want to not do you want to not go maybe maybe you shouldn't one time he hit a ball and it just shot into the wood and he dropped his club and he went oh and then he got better and it was fine it's hilarious that's a gimme yeah those club guys too those that's a gimme pick that up it's like it's not a gimme a gimme for anybody listening if you play golf a real gimme is the grip of the club uh the grip of the club so it's usually like like like that's a gimmick. These guys were doing clubs gone. Now pick that up, Ted. Dude, pick that up. The level of lying.

Oh, dude. About handicaps and scores. And I broke 90 and I broke 80. And yeah, I'm sure you did, buddy. Oh, I got friends going. Yeah, dude, I got a five. One of my buddies goes, I got a five with an asterisk. We were like, what? What does that mean? What are you, Roger Maris?

Are you breaking Ben Hogan's record and these old sports writers can't handle it? Yeah. Nothing's funnier than when a guy goes in the woods and he just goes, what? This one guy, we were playing and this guy brought his little daughter. And me and my buddy are playing with him and his daughter. They're playing nine holes, and then we were going to finish in the back. And he lines up on a par three. It's a chip shot.

He lines up, doing the whole thing, right? And he just, he shoots it fucking 15 yards, right? Just this way. And he just goes, he goes, interesting. That's never happened. And he started looking. Almost like he didn't do it. That's fascinating.

No, dude, I score real and I don't score good. Okay. I'm happy when I break a hundred. If I'm in the nineties, I'll shoot low 40s on one nine, and then I'll fuck it up on the back nine. But every penalty I count, nothing is a gimme unless it's literally like ridiculous. I'm not one of those dudes, man.

Well, guess what, Paul? I'm going to see that firsthand. When we go golfing in Arizona, we're doing a live show. What's the date, Andrew? September 24th september 24th we're gonna be in phoenix arizona doing a live show and the next day we're hanging around to go to the uh the cardinals game to watch kyla murray first ever live bet mgm version of our picks ever oh you're throwing golf in that? Alright, Paul, we gotta

gamble a little bit here. Oh, yeah. I suck, dude. What are we gonna do here? How do we... Dude, can we get Kyler Murray to play around with us? Andrew, can we make that happen? He's playing football that day. Yeah, he's playing

that morning. For people who are wondering how they can go If they want to go We'll have instructions next episode It's going to be through BetMGM It's not a ticketed event How many holes are we playing Paul? Nine

Oh come on Playing nine well we don't have time We got to get to the game Wait tell me club soda Kenny's going to swing a club No I missed the fucking thing Yes Wait, tell me club soda Kenny's going to swing a club. No. I missed the fucking thing. Yes.

Yeah, I'm joking about playing 18, Paul. I swear to God, like, I'm always, I'm that guy on the fifth hole going, what are we, on the seventh hole? Like, fifth hole. Yeah, you smoke a stick, though. You can hit it. Like, I tell guys, too, what's so funny is when a guy tries to kill a ball, it's like, dude, let the club do the work.

Just make contact. Do a half swing or a three-quarter swing. These guys go up there and fuck it. That's why it just flies in the woods and they look confused. You can't. If you don't play it, just take it. Let the fucking thing do it. We're going to have a good time, though. Andrew, do you play?

Yeah, I'm a little rusty, but I play. Oh, okay. Let me tell you something. He's a modest guy, too. That means he can play. I can tell, yeah. Plus, he's tall. It's been a long time since I swung a club,

but when I was playing a lot, I was okay. I was okay. Yeah, it's fine. Come on, Paul. You can read between those lines. Yeah, yeah. He's taking our money. Bertolino did the passive's fine. Come on, Paul. You can read between those lines. Yeah, yeah. He's taking our money. Bertolino did the passive-aggressive thing, too.

I was talking to Bertolino, and he goes, he goes, no, Paul, everybody was saying, like, you know, that I'm going to be the, he's like, you're the one that's going to, and I'm like, Mike, I know what you're doing. Yeah, that was me. I told him. I was like, oh, I think you're going to smoke us all, Mike. And he goes, no, he goes, I think it's Paul.

And then I thought, oh, Mike, you know, Mike, carry that pressure. You earned it. It's Helix, everybody. Helix Sleep is a premium mattress brand that provides tailored mattresses based on your unique sleep preferences. The Helix lineup includes 14 unique mattresses, including a collection of luxury models, a mattress for big and tall sleepers, and even a mattress just made for kids. So how will you know which Helix mattress works best for your body?

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if you don't like it I know you will but if you don't they will pick it up for you I thought you were going to threaten him will but if you don't they will uh pick it up for you i thought you were gonna threaten them paul hey if you don't like it if you don't like a pillowcase over your head and be your senseless it'll be a helix just the way you read that you don't like it I'm glad you read that. If you don't like it, there's the fucking door.

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and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash better. With Helix, better sleep starts now. I can tell you this, Paul. I'm going to hit some bombs for me. I'm not saying they're going straight, dude. I have a slice that would be go right around the pesky pole on my second shot, dude. I'm telling you that fucking slice. I hit 40 in Fenway if they were golf balls in nine holes how did you play in that uh how did you play in that all things comedy tournament i played all right i mean i'm like good off the tee i can hit it straight but my second shot is off the deck it

was terrible so the last time i played my second shot i was actually getting distance and air but it was just it would just it had a brutal slice okay but i didn't care dude i'll drop a ball man i'll take a nine i don't give a fuck hell yeah i know it's fine i don't think i'm ever gonna keep score i'm just gonna keep getting better at it you know so i won't slow anybody down dude this is what I do I come out with the best cigars and a whole bunch of extra golf balls and nobody's fucking sad

nobody's fucking sad you don't take it seriously yeah I bring the drugs you know whatever you want to do you know escort service come to me you want to watch i'm that guy yeah you'll be on you'll be on mushrooms swinging dude speaking of that one of the old men that i

used to caddy for he was in the group the old and blind guy was in his 80s he was blind he would fucking line up and fucking swing at mushrooms dude it was really funny they'd be like no lenny lenny his brother his brother go lenny lenny it's a it's a mushroom lenny it's a mushroom i still remember caddying for a guy that fucking was in a trap and the fairway went like that and he looked at me he goes watch this and he went like this with his feet getting into the trap and he just fucking hit this ball and went right around like someone was staring him he. He was smooth, dude. He was the smoothest dude.

Like the pressure didn't get to whatever. Oh, he was the guy, I told this story before, that was fucking with the other guy. One of these guys that was on his way to his first heart attack. He had that body. You know when you start having the perspiration under your man boobs, you got like a B cup. So he had that sweat going on, and he was a nose sweater too. He had the beads of sweat all over his nose. He was the guy.

He putts the ball, and as he's watching it roll towards the hole, the guy I was caddying for walked in front of his sight line. He was behind the ball ball and i just remember him you just fucking just looked at me and i felt like all nervous i'm looking back now it's like dude don't fucking look at me i'm 14 say something all right there sweaty tits oh he got mad at you no he's looking at me like can you believe this fucking guy yeah yeah yeah but i'll tell you but what it was was that guy was like a gamer and he was getting in this other guy's head like i feel like that other guy the guy i was caddying for was sort of like a self-made man that like if you saw his high

school transcript he achieved more than anybody ever thought and i think the other guy was like one of those by the book guys you know and this is how you do things so it was like too complete like he was hanging on real tight another guy was sitting there i watch this you know it's fucking amazing like the psychology of it the shit talking is so fun the sayings are the funniest old men on a golf course the funniest you know the mother-in-law shot when it gets better as the further it gets. You know, they named it golf because fuck is taken. All these old hacky shit that old men say, but they love saying it to you.

And they love playing with a young guy that appreciates it. Oh, dude, it really is fun, especially when you're not with a bunch guy that appreciates it oh dude it's it's it really is fun especially when you're not with a bunch of who take it seriously like when you when you're just having fun like you said smoking cigars drop a ball when you go in the woods don't go hunting for a golf ball in the wood drop a ball take a penalty you hit it in the woods you know dude i haven't been on a lot of golf courses, but am I crazy? Generally speaking, Asians are amazing at golf. Just like the average dude. Like if you had to pick sides.

And you just saw a bunch of people sitting there, you got to get the John Daly looking white guy. The guy looks like he's still doing keg stands with a Sunday bag. You got to get that guy. And then like any like Asian dude, like I just see like, like I always find like, like they're just fucking, they can really play. Generally speaking. I don't know what it is.

I found that Asian dudes that dress really well and play the part are really good. Yes. Where, where guys like when a white dude dresses the part you still don't know the jerk it's still out for debate oh dude i caddy for a guy one time he had he had the fucking the the french beret with the pom-pom on and the fucking big baggy pants fucking right in the water dude dude i played with a guy i can't mention the name because i don't i don't know if i played with a guy who was having such a bad day and the other two people

that i was playing with was my wife and mother-in-law in the cart in front of us and i'm playing with this guy and this kid is having a day that like you don't wish on your worst enemy just like hitting the ground he's going i i i've been having lessons i and i mean the guy and there's dude there was a fucking i love the guys who are fucking up and they're acting like somebody else is doing it the bewilderment the bewilderment of a bad shot and he's going i just i just paid a lot of money for i don't know, right? So, dude, the ranger comes over. Bill, it's one of the funniest stories I've ever seen on a golf course.

The ranger comes over and goes, guys, you can't do this. You got to speed up. There was literally weights at every hole. A foursome behind a foursome. So there's four people waiting every time. My wife and mother-in-law are up by a tree. And the ranger pulls up right here. When we're teeing off right here right in

front of us windshield in front of your fucking thing and he goes guys guys it's a it's a five hour day we we can't do this and this guy's having a rough day and i'm standing back there and there was four kids behind maybe in like early 20s one kid was asian i'll never forget and the dude gets up oh and he gets he gets up, dude. He has grip on the club. He's doing this and he's fucking panicking, dude, because he's having a rough, rough time. And he fucking swings

the driver and the ball he hits the tip of the ball and the ball shoots parallel to him, smashes into the Ranger's windshield and it's stuck. And the Ranger drove up with it. And, dude, I went like this.

I see Stacey and my mother-in-law crying. The kids behind are crying. Dude, it shot into the Rangers windshield and got wedged, and they drove up to get his ball back. Dude, it was fucking hilarious, man. Dude, I played when I was back in Boston. I played with some friends of mine I went to high school with. And we were all riding carts.

And one of my buddies, that's why I said, you know, the Sunday bag guy, he goes, I got to walk off these Budweiser's. Dude, he was a fuck. He had like five clubs and was just walking the course. It was just like nothing. Just crushing it, crushing it, crushing it. Yeah. And that's what I'm saying.

Anytime a guy shows up and it's just like he's just got, you know, five. I mean, I guess that's obvious. I'm new to the game, but I was just going like, that's all you need? You just kind of, we got these big bags. He's out there with like, he looks like an architect, you know, taking out drawings and stuff. One driver, a wedge, a putter, and I don't know what he had for his second shot, an iron or something. And he was good. I love playing with guys that know their course so well, because they've been there 20 years. And you'll look you'll read the green i'll read the green and i'll be like yeah dude that's going a little left to right like a ball length right and the guy will go no dude hit it a foot right and it's gonna go

left and then right and you're going what and then it does and you're like oh dude i love playing with that guy or i learned something today from a guy a guy goes i was 15 yards off the green in like the middle they call it the neck you know like the fairway and then the neck that goes up to the thing i kept being in what he called the neck and he goes dude he goes take an eight iron out and act like you're putting it and i go what he goes just take your eight iron out and do a putt swing with it and he goes and it'll just run up the neck right onto the green. And so I like playing with guys like that because then you're like, oh shit. Like if I get into trouble again, this, you know, I have that in my,

that's what I love about golf. There's always like these little, little cool shots with it and shit like that. Just to, you know, play with, have fun with, I guess. I just, I like the hang. Oh, the hangs. That's my thing, Paul. I like the hang. Paul, is it me or is like the hang. That's my thing, Paul. I like the hang. Paul, is it me or is the NFL season starting?

I keep thinking it's this week, right? Is it next week? No? It's Thursday. It's Thursday. The Buffalo Bills are road favorites. Hey, here's something I fucking heard. And I want to know why there isn't an

uprising about this as a patriots fan we've been accused of fucking everything from me here to fucking whatever right do you know that this the you know the rams just keep signing everybody no i guess they're getting around the cap this is what people are telling me they're getting around the cap where if you give a certain portion of it in cash that doesn't count against the cap now is that true or am i sources wrong that's a good I don't know that that's a good question what I do know is there's people talking outside my window and my dog is going nuts but I don't see anybody um no I don't know is there's people talking outside my window and my dog is going nuts, but I don't see anybody.

No, I don't know if that's true or not, Bill. Well, I will tell you this. Speaking of signing somebody, I didn't realize the Buffalo Bills signed Vaughn Miller. I mean, they're going to be a fucking problem. They are going to be a problem. I'm watching the AFC West, my Patriots, and the Bills, and also the Bengals. I got a lot of football to watch this year, Paul, and it's all in the AFC.

And I'm saying the AFC is going to be a lot more fun to watch than the NFC. What say you, Paul Berzy? I was talking to our good friend who is somebody I love and enjoy seeing at the club. He hit me up and goes, hey, we're on shows together. Let's hang. Florentine hit me up last night. Like you needed to say Florentine after that. He goes, he goes, I go, dude, I go, you're dolphins. And he's, his predictions, dude, he's money, dude. He's great. He predicted RG three,

but like when nobody goes, yeah, he goes, yeah, he's going to get, he goes, nah, the way they're playing him is going to get hurt. And he fucking was right. But he said to me last night, he goes, my dolphins, he goes, I think they're going to get 11 wins. That's what he said.

And he's never said that. He's always like, I don't know, man, we don't have this. I don't like this. He said, he thinks that with Tyreek Hill and with Tua, that kid Tua being healthy and having some games under his belt, uh, that kid Waddle healthy and having some games under his belt.

That kid Waddle they got. They got a good defensive player. He thinks Miami's going to be a decent team too. So the East could be – and I think the Patriots are going to be good. So I think the East is going to be one of those like really tight things where I think the NFC East is going to be not like that. Right. I got an interesting thing for you. don't mean hold on bill i just

how funny is it i was just thinking like golfers hit a bad shot and they just seem shocked when i go well how what no no other no other sport can you do that why i mean yeah it's just it's i don't understand. I just paid for lessons. Dude, interesting. Interesting, like he's watching footage of somebody else. Hey, I'm going to do that with my wife. She's going to start yelling at me. Interesting.

I didn't. Oh, my God, dude. That's a good one. Oh, dude. I got a buddy of mine. You know what? He called his wife a clown. Oh, dude. I called stacy one time i hate to

say this one time i said don't be i said dope and she dude she said she goes when you said that she goes i don't give a fuck never say that again there is something like clown or dope with the woman in your life it just it's just bad it's bad clown there's like no come oh my god there's a fucking guy this guy i don't i don't know he got mad at this woman right so he pulls up he's got a shaved head right and he just goes and he just threw out like a stock line like you know do parents have any kids that lived right and she was just in the pocket she goes oh she goes you don't have any hair on your head he literally goes like oh oh he didn't know what to do oh my god dude dude she was a beast that she said you know like when you're first, like a comedian, you first start off the first time somebody heckles you, you just go, fuck you.

Like, you know, you know what to do. She was like a fucking 15, 20 year vet. I mean, she must cut people off all the time. How fucking relaxed she was. Dude, she fucking trashed this guy. So, I mean, he didn't know what to do. Like, you should see his face. And he also came off

incredibly stupid like we saw his face when he had to start thinking oh she goes oh you don't have any hair on your head and he just goes like oh my god you know when you're so dumb you're like looking or like the thoughts outside your head you're trying to find um oh dude that's a brutal one oh you're only five six oh that would be tough oh you're not even i'm gonna tell you something right now if some woman said oh you don't have any hair on your head i would fucking cry laughing oh it's so great come on dude at some point you just got to be like that's funny dude that thing that you said about people saying little dick i thought about that with that vegan video did you see that video where the guy is eating a kebab there's there's all these vegans protesting and a guy just walks

up as calm as could be and he's kind of smirking and he's just biting the kebab right in front of Andrew you got to get that it's everywhere. Can you find that it's ever? Oh my god, he's like this and he goes And she goes with your little fucking dick you pussy you this he's going oh andrew do you have it you have it right check this out i don't understand why people care what i eat and she's going he's going like this she goes it feels good make you feel good he goes it's the fucking but like she's like

and like you could tell she was trying to think of things after she said what your little dick so she goes listen if a woman starts saying you got a little dick

you're bad in bed what are you gay that means they don't have anything they got nothing your little dick and your pussy it makes you feel good

to kill secretly gay whatever every time they go that that's just like all right are you done if you get if you can't find it i can find it it's that's what you want to just say to him like do you want to walk away for five minutes and sort of regather your thoughts so you can actually come up with something original. I just never understood. Like you said, why is it a little dick?

Why? Why? If this guy's got a Ferrari, it's a little dick. He's got a big truck. It's a little dick. Why? It's,

you know, because sometimes it is that sometimes it is that, but then other times it's like, you know, you were a little kid, you didn't have any money and you always wanted a Ferrari. And then you buy one. And then people who aren't happy with their own lives just start yelling at you.

It's just like, but you have to understand, Paul, is if you buy a Ferrari that comes with the car. All right, here we go. Oh, my God, this is awesome. This. This. What? What's the point? You...

You have all the blood on your face! And all the blood on your hair! The guilt's gone! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! He goes... oh my god he goes he goes with your little dick it feels good dude that's that's a great one dude oh oh that's he 100 won that one it's actually he kind of beat her at, you know, women's ability. I feel like a lot of times they make you lose your composure,

and that's what he just did. Dude, he didn't say one word. He just ate a kebab and smiled. Yeah, and she just completely, like. Melted down. It was amazing. I mean, granted, in defense of her, she's probably watched the videos of what happened to that chicken

before you fucking ate it because, believe me, you don't want to watch it. I'll tell you, in defense of her, she's probably watched the videos of what happened to that chicken before you fucking ate it. Because, believe me, you don't want to watch it. It's a rough one. Yeah, so. Oh, I didn't finish. I was talking about my thing on the Dolphins. Tyreek Hill leaving Patrick Mahomes and the Kansas City Chiefs to go to the Miami Dolphins reminds me of when John Jefferson left the Chargers and went to Green Bay I think I said that last time though that's what I'm worried where you can be the best receiver in the league. You still need somebody to get you the ball,

which I'm not saying whatever the fucking guy's name is. Tua, yeah. Yeah, Tua's not going to be able to do it, but he's not going to do it the way Patrick Mahomes is. So, like, they must have given him so much fucking money to go there. I don't know. He's probably like, dude, I'm fucking Tyreek Hill. It's Miami.

He had a good preseason. They had a couple of good connections. I have a flip side to that, though. There's a flip side to that. You've been to Miami Beach. What movie? Tyreek Hill. You want to be walking around downtown Kansas City or fucking Miami Beach?

No, but yeah, 100%. And here's the other thing. Mahomes and the Chiefs performed really badly the games Tyreek Hill was out last year. When he didn't have that deep threat, those were the games that he was taking sacks, and those were the games he was making a lot of his interceptions and bad throws when Tyreek Hill was not there. I'm not saying – Because he would take up two defenders.

Yeah, yeah. I'm not saying that the Chiefs aren't going to pick up a guy that can do that. But, dude, Tyreek Hill is – he's one of those fucking really speedy guys who can get to the ball. So I think – I'll be honest with you. I agree with you. I think the AFC East with the Bills, with the Patriots, with the, you know, I mean, the Jets have injuries, but that's going to be a good one.

I'm not buying that. What, the Jets? I'm not buying the AFC East is going to be good. I think it's the fucking West, it's the Bengals, and it's the Bills. I think the West is what you're going to watch. Like, those division rivalry games, you got four studs playing, right?

Yeah. Okay. It's, I mean, and then I don't know what's going on with the Steelers. Roethlisberger is gone. But you got Lamar Johnson, Jackson, and Joe Burrow in the Bills. I think the Patriots are still, I don't know. We got to see, like, this is like the big year. Yeah. I think with,

with Mac Jones, this is like the big year, the breakout year. And you get to see if he can actually perform at that level. But like, I just think the bill, I think the bills are going to run away with it. I just do.

I know those division rivalry games and everything. I just think they're, they just think they're coached, they're players, adding what they did on defense and all of that shit. Although I will say to that game they played last year that all the young kids liked, the Kansas City-Buffalo game was the worst defensive game I think I've ever seen in my fucking life in a playoff game other than the Patriots versus the Eagles. I don't know what everybody was all excited about.

Like, dude, that was fucking epic. It was just like, all right, if you're a ball watcher. Yeah, dude, that was one of the worst Super Bowls as far as any kind of like, I've never seen a Super Bowl be almost like a video game. Dude, the Eagles gave up 500 yards on offense and still got a ring. That's how fucked up that game was. Yeah. I could have punted for either team. That's how fucked up that game was. Yeah. I could have punted for either team.

It was just a bizarre, bizarre game. But at the end of the day, I think we let up 550 yards, Paul. Well, think about that. 1,000 yards given up in a Super Bowl. Everybody was catching everything. And it didn't make sense because neither team played that way to get there. It was so weird there's no way you give up 500 fucking you pull 500 yards a game and you get to the super bowl i remember when i texted you after that i go this is fixed you know i was on i couldn't but i was like this is bullshit this is fixed i always anytime i don't understand something in

sports it's fixed i would love for somebody who actually knows about the game as opposed to you know me running my yap to explain like how does that happen like how in a super bowl the two arguably supposed to be the two best teams give up a combined a thousand yards or like that that bill's chiefs game like what, how much have they changed the fucking rules? Yeah, and in a Super Bowl, no less. Yeah. In a Super Bowl. It was ugly.

It was, you know what, that was the greatest passive fan, I think, Super Bowl of all time. What bugs me, though, is I always, I like the Eagles. Like, I wanted to see,

I didn't want them to see, like, so I didn't get to quite enjoy. I love when a city hasn't won one in a long time that's why i'm kind of like i'm rooting for the bill obviously i'm rooting for the patriots but like i'd love to see buffalo get one you know losing four super bowls and then that fucking they didn't call that in the crease in 99 i mean jesus christ can we give these people a parade already? Right? Yeah, yeah. I'd like to see, you know, Cincinnati, San Diego. Those are some dry towns, Paul. I know.

I know. But you know what? They have a parade once a year on 4th of July, and that is fucking it. That we called it. What's the kid's name? Donald, 99. Aaron Donald, the defensive lineman for the Rams. That man is the only reason Cincinnati didn't win a Super Bowl, man.

He fucking single-handedly stopped Burrow. That kid's a monster. Dude, he almost single-handedly beat up the Bengals in preseason. He had two Bengals helmets.season he had two helm Bengals helmets they probably still had heads in them fucking swinging at people that kid's a monster dude I cannot believe we get to talk NFL football this time next week for real it's happening it's fucking happening Andrew I can't wait I can't believe it Paul let me rubbing my hands together, Paul. I got to be honest. I just need to. My fucking brain is so shot from I just really fucked up this year where I got way too busy.

And so I'm just this is a learning thing. Yeah. So, yeah, that ain't going to happen, Paul. You know what I want in my future, Paul? I want to golf a little more. Yes. I want to fucking relax a little more. Yes. I want to fucking relax a little more. Yes.

I want to put my feet up a little more. I don't want to be this fucking guy that's always working. Dude, I want to be in a steam room going, dude, I fucking blew that putt on fucking eight. I should have fucking. That's, I mean. You can't do that in capitalism and keep making money. The second you stop running, the wheel runs over you. It flips you over and you get spit out the side like you in that golf cart.

I just pictured a stockbroker losing somebody's money and doing that golf shit. Interesting. I don't know. I don't know what happened. I just, do you know there's a guy out there? Cause I was just sitting there thinking like, you what the thing is is when you get known enough to then just whore yourself out to these events with all these you know blue blood psychos that pour in the water supply and they just wheel you out you're just waving doing all like these private gigs and stuff

there's actually a billionaire out there this guy someone was telling me about he like buys celebrities so he'll buy you he'd be like Paul all right I give you 50 million bucks and I owe I own you for the next five whatever however long all right but you have to work when he wants you to work. And he gets a percentage. And then they set up all this fucking work. And the fucking people this guy told me that were on his list, I started thinking like, that's why I keep seeing that guy doing all those fucking commercials. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Fuck that dude. No. I can't imagine working all that time. And then to have a boss. No. Can you imagine having a boss at this point? Once you work for yourself, you can't fucking do it.

And I think that's the problem with the fucking pandemic was all these people were home working from home and they're just like, I don't want to fucking... No. They got off the plantation, Paul. They ran free and they don't want to go back they figured out some ebay hustle you know digging through their neighbor's trash what is that that's the audio for our movie oh um i just heard screaming in the background um

yeah yeah dude I can't. I, yeah, somebody said it's like you break the matrix. It really is wild that, and I'm not, I'm not taking anything away from somebody who goes to college, gets an education. Okay. Because I admire that. And I wish that I finished finished even though i dropped out to do stand-up but dude unless you're gonna be a doctor a lawyer or have some sort of crazy

engineering architect job you really do you really do get out of college with a lot of fucking debt and there's not much sometimes not much out there and even when you do land a job you do have to close that door real quick you know that's so funny you just hear screaming in the back all right sorry oh it's it's not like a prison riot um one of the one of the scenes what are you gonna do what are you gonna do um but yeah no man like could you imagine a guy like me you knowing me now me and you've been friends 15 years could you imagine a guy going paul dude you were fucking five minutes late for lunch dude get back to your desk could you i would be like

i'd be like whatever i could never i could i'd start i would just i would bring a steak knife to work i'm just picturing this fat guy remember there was this fucking tub of shit i was working in this warehouse and this fat fuck used to come walking out. And when he did, everybody snapped to it and started fucking working and shit. And he knew it, too. The donut eating fuck. He loved coming out there and just strutting around and watching us all scamper. So he could feel some power. Right?

With his little dick, Paul. With his little dick, Paul. He fucking, I used to do the opposite. I just immediately was just like, you know, fuck this fucking guy, right? And you know what ended up happening? I got laid off. Because I looked like the only guy that wasn't working. And the other guys, you know, this is like a long time ago like some people this was i was i was working the second shift at this place and there was just a lot of

divorcees and drug users that were coming in dude it was a fucking it was a wild crew dude some people aren't built for it man my older brother christian who i think is one of the sweetest people ever he's one of the he's dude could not be a better older brother had my back dude my brother would call up people and go you stop call up parents and go yeah i know my brother got in trouble stop talking shit about my fucking little brother like you know like my brother was the best right but he's super nice and he was kind of naive with things and they wanted him to fire somebody at his job. So they go, Christian, man, you got to go in and fire this guy, man. This guy's not making his numbers. He's not reaching quota. So Christian goes in, sits down, sits across from the guy and he goes, he goes, hey, man, I'm really sorry about this.

But, you know, you're not making the numbers and we, we kinda, you know, we kinda gotta let you go. You know, I'm really, really sorry. And the guy goes, no, dude, man, guy goes, come on, dude, don't, don't do this, dude. He's like, I got, you know, I got a family. I'll pay. I'll definitely do better, man. If you just, if you give me a chance and my brother goes, all right. So then my brother got fired no it looked like like the boss didn't like my brother the boss didn't like my brother because my brother actually called him up my brother called him up and and fucking called him a don't ever talk to me so this dude i could say this and i think the guy has has passed away rest his soul there was a heavyset guy that was my brother's boss. He talked to my brother bad.

And my brother let it fester. And my brother called him in the middle. My brother called him at night. My brother was out to dinner and he couldn't tell anyone. And he left a voicemail. And he said, dude, I thought about what you did to me today. Don't ever fucking talk to me like that again. You fucking...

And I think he's like, if you ever fucking talk to me like that again, there's going to be a big fuck. My brother lost it because the guy talked down at him. And I guess they kept my brother around for like another month or so. My brother couldn't fire the kid. So they got rid of my brother. Oh my. Well, I mean, you can't have a fucking hatchet man who won't use the hatchet. How funny is that? Listen, we got to let you go. No, man, please don't. I'll do better.

All right. Be the worst hit man ever. The hit man with the heart. No, no, please. All right, all right. Look into your heart. Oh, shit. Oh, it's fucking funny. Miller's crossing.

That's what he did. No, dude, I'm not. You know how many times this guy's begged to keep his fucking job at other places? I'll be honest with you. Firing people is hard for me. I had to do it a couple times, and I'm not built with. I had to do it a couple of times and I'm not, I'm not built with, I'm not really good with hurting anybody's feelings and seeing them hurt.

Be calling somebody in or like, you know, do it even with managers in this business when you're like, I'll be honest. I had a couple, one, one I knew it was going to be such a fight that I kind of, it started through, it started through text and email and then we finally had it but like one I had to call I had to straight up call and I delayed it and I delayed it and then I finally just and it was just like hey and then as soon as you're on that other end you're like hey um look I just want to let you know I'm always like build up first I let you know it's that whole like it's not you it's me i didn't do

that i don't i just i have friends i do i have friends i want to do first the first sentence i have friends that want to do it i just ripped the band-aid off or just called yeah listen it's just not working out and uh i gotta i gotta work with somebody else on this dude that's good and then they start talking but it's already that's like how you break up with the woman you got to say it early you got to get in there early yeah I'm not happy this isn't working out I don't want to do this anymore. Boom. Right at the end. You're out.

And then there's going to be a show for the next two to four to seven hours of them. But you can just never waver from that. Just know that as they're going through all of that shit, that this is the last time you're going to have to listen to it. And part of them, I think good ones have to see and that goes for like you know i like there's women like breaking up with guys like if i was a woman i would do it

over the phone because two things like a guy could get violent or he could start crying and neither one of those you want to see yeah no that's true dude yeah i'm not good with the crying on either on either it's like that joke i do with stacy as soon as she does it and goes upstairs and then i did that joke where i can't do it i'm going to my dad's because they could go to their mom going to my i'm gonna see my dad no um yeah dude i'm not good with hurting somebody's feelings dude i'm not and then you start because then i know they're thinking about what they could do what they didn't do i'm you know i grew up with fucked up shit like that where it's like always being in the middle. I just don't like it. You know, you got to get good at it.

Yeah. Yeah. Because if you're not, then you're just going to end up in situations where you're just working with people that not even that they're bad at their job. It's just the way they do it and the way you work. It's not working. You're not breaking up with somebody because they're a bad person or whatever it's just like it's just not it's not the whole thing it's not the whole thing the amount of fucking look look at the fucking lions couldn't win a fucking title

with that fucking guy right and then he goes goes to the Rams and then they win it. Yeah. Thank God the Lions broke up with him. I'm such a fucking, I actually felt, you know, it's funny you use that example. I felt bad for that guy. I felt bad for Goff because I was like, ah, dude, man, he clearly knows it's him. No, I was saying the line. Yeah, Jared Goff. Yeah, Jared Goff.

Jesus Christ. I feel he knows it's him. You know? it's him. You know? It's him? Nah, because they brought in so many other guys. You think it's... His kids are at the table after the Super Bowl? But yeah, that was... You see the

game? Yeah, it's you know, good for them. Oh, dude. I never looked at it that way. Yeah, you don't think his fucking kids and wife are sitting down watching that you're fucking they were all your teammates brutal because mcveigh wanted them out and mcveigh basically said we need another quarterback to do this and then got another quarterback and fucking did it that's but got a guy that fit his system though that's another thing too and there's another thing you go to the

fucking lions like i mean how many guys that could have had a career but got drafted by the fucking lions or the browns or the bears who they just for whatever, they don't know how to fucking develop, pick a way. At some point, it's the franchise. Because if you look at the fucking Lions, the last great fucking, I think their last Hall of Fame quarterback was Bobby Lane in the 1950s. I was just going to ask, who was before Stafford? That was... As far as the Lions go?

On that level. I'm trying to name, like, it was like Eric Hipple, Greg Landry, Joey Harrington. Like, I'm trying to remember all the guys that they fucking went through. Who was their quarterback? Matthew Stafford.

Matthew Stafford is the best fucking quarterback the lions have had since bobby lane since like face mask paul no they loved him but he was playing during the fucking korean war jesus korean conflict i'm sorry who was the quarterback of the Lions when Barry Sanders was in his prime? Wasn't it that guy from the USC? Black quarterback. Another guy. Phenomenal fucking college career. And then he pays for it by being a top fucking draft pick. Number eight.

The fuck was his name? I don't know. That's your generation, Paul. I'm putting that on you. Number eight? All right. I'm looking it up right now. I'm looking it up.

I don't give a fuck. All right. Here we go. USCQB number eight Lions. Rodney Peet. Oh, good call. Rodney Peet. You know who Rodney Peet's best friend is?

Him and his wife always go out with this guy and his wife. Magic and Cookie Johnson are like, them and the peets are like all over the world together at dinners and shit it's fucking awesome that's cool yeah they're great quarterback went to the fucking lions rodney pete went to usc yeah crushed it um yeah well we got a lot of football to talk about they're writing my giants off they're writing my giants off everybody's saying they're there it's over we'll see we'll see um it is over paul what do you mean well they're not gonna win the fucking super bowl no but i don't think they're gonna be as bad as people say five wins come on man saquon's back

we got that fucking tackle from alabama who's finally gonna oh all right okay yeah i mean yeah No, but I don't think they're going to be as bad as people say. Five wins. Come on, man. Saquon's back. We got that fucking tackle from Alabama who's finally going to protect us. Oh, all right. Okay, yeah. I mean, I think you guys will be all right. I think the Patriots will be all right. I think we'll be all right. Yeah, I just want to be a contender. That's all.

I just want to be in it. I don't want to be a fucking, you know. Although I will tell you, there is something nice, like we talked about last year. There's something nice about getting shot in the back of the head week five, where you don't have to struggle through the year, when you know where the stress is. Your next big game is NFL draft day in April. Yeah, yeah. But dude, I love that you're golfing.

And here's the thing, man. You know who had it right this whole time? Because I've turned into it? Jerry Ferrara. Shout out to the great Jerry Ferrara. Jerry is a homebody and does not like to leave unless he's working. And I've become that.

I want to be home or either work or right home. I get right home real quick. I want to be home. It's happened. It's fully happened. He got it earlier than me, but I get it now. I get it now. What it's all about. Oh, dude. You're getting trouble if you're home, Paul. Is anything better than walking in your front door after work is behind you,

knowing that you're going to be there for a few days, hanging with your family? Nothing. That's it. We should end it on that note there you go everybody this has been episode 68 of the anything better podcast um is there anything better when your team is out of the mlb race and and and fucking nfl football starting the next week college football this weekend is there anything worse when your baseball team was 17 games up and now they're flailing and they have a four-game set when they're only six games up against the team that they're six games up against the Rays this week?

Anything worse? But I will tell you, Judgey hit 51, which is nice. He's got a month. He's got a month and three days. I didn't want to bring it up dude but that otani bomb to center field guys a fucking stud man no no dude bring it up that guy's an animal you know why i like well i mean it was two fucking errors yeah but you know i like that guy that guy is like so cool and humble he uh he got a base hit because Judge hit that bomb to center. I texted you and you said

you missed it. Dude, Judge hit this bomb. It looked like me or you with a wiffle ball, but he just hits this bomb. It goes 430-some feet, and then Otani gets up in the next inning, and Otani gets a single, and he goes up to our first baseman, and he's like, dude, that... He was basically going, dude, that Judge shot, man. Fuck. He's so humble because the kid can do that. Like Otani can do that. He's one of those guys, but he was so fucking cool. I fucking love that kid. I love that kid, dude. That, that kid is. And the fact that he could pitch lights out. I love that kid, dude. I'm just, I'm worried about the Yankees, man, because I don't know, man. Dude, you guys are always guys are always up, and then the bullpen comes in.

You guys got to get healthy. Yeah, yeah. Who knows? But listen, best month of sports is coming up soon. You got basketball coming, hockey coming, NFL's a week away, and Major League Baseball playoffs. Oh, it's going to get – there's nothing better. This is the greatest month of the year for people who don't like to read

Dude I'm so glad I didn't break my leg today man. I swear to God dude. I swear to God it was rough Dude, I was flying down a cliff dude. It was wild I'm just picturing your fucking no muscle memory left fucking foot. You put it to the floor, dude. My mind said break, and what happened in reality was my foot hit the pedal harder, faster. It was... Because you were bracing. That's fucking amazing.

I braced, and I just hit the pedal, and I realized I was speeding, and I couldn't control it. You know what you got to do in that moment, Paul? You just got to relax for half a second and think and your brain will give you the answer. But if you stay in the fight or flight mode, there's no answer. No. And dude, if I would have banged my head against the concrete, dude, I mean, that's brutal. But anyway, guys, my show in London sold out. We added a show October 8th, Saturday. So go to that. Soul Joel's Comedy Dome, September 17th.

October 19th, I'll be at the DC Improv. October 20th, I'll be at the Philly Punchline. Check out the VersiEffect. Check out the Monday Morning Podcast. Check out the Anything Better YouTube channel. Get anything better everywhere you get your podcasts. iTunes, Spotify. Andrew, what else?

I have some things. What do you got, Bill? I'm going to Tulsa. Oh, no, I got a gig in San Francisco for the specific fact that I can go see Motley Crue, Poison, Def Leppard, fucking Joan Jett the next day. Then I go to Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Then I go to fucking, I think, Dallas. I got Houston. I think I got Austin. I'm coming to Texas, man. Redneck, California, baby. I'm coming there, man. I can't fucking wait. Dallas. I can't wait for Dallas. And then I'm hoping that, you know, maybe smu's got a game or baylor or something an afternoon game maybe i can take in some college football because texas is football paul huh texas is full wait new york is pizza texas is football i'm not slamming your sports teams i'm just saying no no i get it i don't know you kind of got quiet there now i feel bad no no I'm actually thinking

about the stress I'm gonna have listening to the Yankee game on the way to my sets tonight that's what I was actually thinking about I'm gonna listen to it you know why Paul you know why because you're a fucking real fan yeah yeah no I it's a real fan do you tap it out Paul now that they're fucking having a little bit of a skit you're hanging in there oh no yeah no I'm hanging in I want to see judge I want to see the whole thing but you know it's uh it feels like they're fine you don't have to tell an old red socks you don't have to tell a red socks fan north of 40 what a fucking september skid feels like or the all-star break skid uh yeah that's you know and it's worse now because everybody online can talk shit like back in the day

when we would have those skids you just walked around you just walked around massachusetts and everybody's felt the same thing these assholes are blue but now like the people like what is it you're gonna have to listen to people from tampa bay coming out with their honolulu shirts stumbling out of a titty bar coming out with their fucking Honolulu shirts stumbling out of a titty bar. I don't even show up for them fucking games. We're kicking your ass, Paul Berzy. That's what you're going to have to deal with.

Go Florida State. We've got to hit a Florida State game, Paul, or something. We're trying to figure out a game, Paul. I need it to be on the West Coast. I need it to be on the West Coast. We'll add golf. Well, we did east coast last year we did penn state so now we go now we go over there all right we'll go hey we'll go over there what uh willis said something about clemson we have never been to south carolina yet that could be next year maybe maybe this year we go west next year we go

south well why don't you do it if you go to a USC game, they play in the Coliseum. That's where the first two Super Bowls were. They were called the AFL-NFL championship game. What about SMU? One of these years. SMU, I would love to go to. Do you know what the fucking happened with that fucking program? They somehow blamed it on the women.

I don't know. They were like, we're not doing this fucking booster shit anymore anymore so they play like a smaller stadium than they used to they played like a little boutique stadium but i would love to see smu baylor texas tech i haven't seen any of those uh teams uh but like if you come out this year dude maybe we'll go to usc you've already been to the rose ball it's a legendary stadium paul you gotta you gotta see it you know one place we haven't been and i heard it gets wild there is the oregon ducks i'd go there in a second yeah dude that would be cool who's their rival who's their big rival uh well i would think any whoever's the best team is it i don't know that it's really oregon oregon

state i don't think oregon state has been good enough um i think when they started to come up i think for a while it was sc but that's already good it's oregon state he said yeah you're right but also you but then also usc is coming up as well Yeah, I think that that's the one you really want to win because you're in the same state. But Oregon State always sucks. They've sucked my whole life. Am I crazy? I've never seen Oregon State have a good –

I've seen Oklahoma State and Oklahoma have that rivalry where Oklahoma State was good, but I never saw Oregon State. That's funny. That's the first thing I thought of yeah Oklahoma State's a good one Michigan Michigan State that's a great one be good Oregon Oregon State my buddy told me the South Carolina Gamecocks he said it's fucking nuts he said they get as wild as anything too so maybe we go to us maybe we go to next year. We go West Coast this year. Next year, we go Gamecocks versus Clemson.

That could be a good one. You want to go to Clemson or South Carolina? Ooh, that's a good one. Oh, my God. Did you see Clemson? No, South Carolina. No, we did. We saw Clemson. You weren't there. We went to a Clemson game. Oh, you got. Did you see Clemson? No. We did. We saw Clemson.

You weren't there. We went to a Clemson game. Oh, you got to the Lake House. I wasn't there. Well, when the guy with the hair there. No, I wasn't there yet. Was he playing for Jacksonville? Yes.

Trevor Lawrence. Trevor Lawrence. Yeah, that was all Bart. All right. Let's go South Carolina then. Go South Carolina Gamecocks. All right, sounds good. I got to go dance fucking for these monkeys.

I want to go to Auburn. I want to go to fucking the Iron Bowl in Auburn. But it's always the Saturday of fucking Thanksgiving. Yeah. Yeah. I got to go dance. I got to go dance like a monkey for four shows right now. All right, I got to go back to the edit room.

Thank you for giving me this break. All right, everybody. Thank you so much for watching. I'll see you in, in, in Oklahoma and fucking Texas and go see Paul Verzi. We'll see you. We'll see you next time on 69 and be careful in those golf courts, golf courts,

golf carts. We're out of here. Maybe you hit your head a little. All right, we'll see you.