anything goes with emma chamberlain - body image and self love, advice session

Episode Date: July 14, 2024

hello and welcome back to advice session, a series here on anything goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything you want advice on and i give you my unprofessional advice. today's topic is body image and self love. out of all the topics i've ever discussed on advice session, this is my most challenging subject, personally. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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The app will suggest some on sale. To get started, just open the app. It's as easy as that. See the PC Optimum app for details. Hello and welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything you want advice on, and I give you my unprofessional advice. Today's topic is body image and self-love. A tough one. Listen, I already told you that my advice is unprofessional. So hopefully you're going into this taking my advice with a grain of salt. But I ask you today to take my advice with an even larger grain of salt because out of all the topics I've ever discussed

on Advice Session, this is my most challenging subject personally. This is the area that I think I struggle with the most on a personal level. This is the area that I think I have things the least figured out. So I'm almost hesitant to give advice in some ways because I like has any of my own personal advice worked on me? Yes and no, right? But I think this is such a big challenge for majority of people, especially now with the internet. Here I go again blaming everything on the internet. But we live in a very complex time when it comes to body image because of the internet and because of technologies that have been developed to allow us to alter our bodies either digitally or physically in the real world.

We live in a very complicated time and it's harder than ever, I would say, to accept oneself for who they are. I think we've always compared ourselves to others, probably since humans were created. But I think it's progressively gotten more challenging to accept oneself as technology has developed. I feel like with every technological advancement, it becomes harder to accept oneself for who they are, especially one's physical body. And listen, I've come a long way. I would say my body image challenges started at around 10 or 11 when I started to compare myself to my cousins and the girls at school and I would compare my body to theirs. And then when I got social media, it got so much worse. It got so much worse. Exposure to infinite images and videos of women with the stereotypical perfect face and body was absolutely detrimental to my development. And I think many of you

can probably relate because many of you grew up at the same time that I did when all this stuff was very new. And yeah, we're kind of the first generation to grow up with the internet. And seeing infinite images of stereotypically beautiful people on a daily basis during the developmental years can't be good. Can't be good. And it's caused me to put value in my physical appearance more than is healthy since a very young age. And it's manifested in so many different ways over the course of my life.

A lot of those ways being very unhealthy. And so I understand this challenge more deeply than most challenges, because this one's very personal to me. And so I'm going to take a stab at giving you advice, but you can do as you want with it. And as always take it with a massive grain of salt, because I still don't have it all figured out. Although I will say I've learned a lot since my challenges

with body image started as a tween-ager. And so maybe my advice is phenomenal. We'll see. We'll find out together. Somebody said, how do I love myself? I have never been able to truly love myself and feel it deep down despite trying for so long and listening to so much advice. I think we have to manage our expectations for what it feels like to love ourselves.

Because to me, it sounds like you're looking for a feeling that you've maybe never felt before. And I wonder if the reason why you feel like you don't love yourself and you've never loved yourself and despite trying, you've just never gotten there. Maybe isn't because you're actually failing at loving yourself, but rather maybe you're looking for the wrong feeling. Let me explain. I'll compare it to how I expected success in my life to feel. When I was younger, I expected to arrive at a certain place in my life where I've succeeded. And I expected that feeling to be different than

anything I'd ever felt before. And I really became fascinated with what success would feel like when I started making YouTube videos and they started succeeding, people were watching them and I was beginning to make money. And I began to wonder, what's it gonna feel like when I'm actually successful at this? If I'm actually successful at this, what is it gonna feel like?

And I expected to feel something euphoric when I reached a level of success that to me felt like, I don't know, my Northern star. I expected nirvana, euphoria. I expected a feeling I've never felt before. And what I found was that feeling never came. And when I talk to many other people who have reached their goals in their career, they say the same thing. There is no such feeling.

You never get to a place where you experience the feeling of success that you expect because that feeling doesn't exist. And I think it's the same thing with self-love where if you expect this overwhelming, passionate love for oneself, you might be expecting a feeling that doesn't exist. Now, if you're searching for a feeling that doesn't exist, you'll be met with so much disappointment that you can't even decipher if you are loving yourself or if you have

gotten to a healthy point where you do love yourself because you're so distracted by searching for this intense feeling that you can't even see that you're already there in a way. Because I don't really know for sure what deeply and truly loving oneself feels like. I can't put a finger on that. I don't really know loving oneself feels like. I can't put a finger on that. I don't really know what that feels like.

I don't know if I've ever fully gotten there myself, but I know that I've been close before. And I think it's far more subtle than you would expect. I don't think it's euphoric. I don't think it's nirvana. I think it's small, subtle things. I think it's easily forgiving yourself when you make a mistake.

I think it's accepting yourself inside and out while still being aware of your flaws and understanding that you're flawed. It's having that balanced view of yourself that's almost in a way neutral. Like I'm aware of where I'm flawed and I want to work on fixing it and I love myself enough to motivate myself to fix these things, but I'm also aware of my strong suits and I can appreciate those things about myself.

It's not letting people treat you badly and easily being able to walk away and say, I don't need these people. See, these are very powerful, very important things, and these are all things that I think come with finding love for oneself. But none of those things are particularly euphoric, you know? And so I think the first thing I would recommend is figure out what you think self-love even looks like. Because if you don't have something to shoot for, then you're just kind of shooting into the air.

There's nothing to shoot at. You're not going to hit your goal if you don't know where you're shooting at. Now, there's also a chance that you do know what self-love feels like. You have a rational and valid idea of what it looks like, and you just truly have struggled to get there. And maybe you've received bad advice over the years or advice that's really challenging to stick to. That's also a possibility.

And in that case, my advice is simple. Weirdly, I think I love myself the most when I'm the least focused on myself in a lot of ways. Now, one of the guests that I've had on, I wish I could remember who it was. I'm forgetting who said it. I remember it so vividly, but I cannot remember who said it. An interview guest that I had on this show

said that fulfillment comes from taking the attention off of oneself and sort of putting it out into the world, helping others, enjoying things outside of oneself, enjoying art, enjoying music, like just kind of getting the attention off of oneself. Ironically enough, I really do think that that helps with loving oneself because I think when we're hyper focused on ourselves, we tend to pick ourselves apart. And I think relieving that by putting our energy outward can be really healing and can really help us gain perspective so that when we do look inward again, inevitably, and we

must, it's not as frequent. We're not able to obsess as much because that's not all that we're focusing on. And we're entering into a phase of self-reflection in a way that, I don't know, it's more rational because it's not all that we're doing. But I think sort of stemming off of that, like putting our energy outward, I find that I love myself the most when I feel like I'm being a good person and I say this a lot and I know I sound like a broken record But I found that majority of self-esteem issues and self-love issues

stem from not feeling like we're good people deep down and That might not necessarily be true. We might be great people, but we could always be better. And I think working towards being a better person, whether that's being more helpful or doing something small but charitable or something big but charitable or treating people more generously,

like whatever it may be, working towards becoming a better person can really help with self-love as well, because it is a constant reminder if we live a life of trying to improve and be better. It's a constant reminder, life, our life is a constant reminder that we are good people deserving of love.

That really is helpful for me. But last but not least, I also think too that we can get into cycles of negative self-talk and we can develop these negative mantras about ourselves that we repeat in our head over and over and over again until they almost become true. And I also think it's important to pay attention to those voices in our head and what they're saying about us and question them as they come up and try to diffuse them one by one as they come up over the course of the next month, six months, year. Watch them come up and either prove them wrong or make a plan to prove them wrong. Somebody said, how to actually know your worth

and not just say you do. This is a really interesting sort of dilemma because I do think that a lot of times we say that we know our worth, we're like, no, I won't do that because I know my worth. And a lot of times I feel like we're behaving in such a way, less from our internal beliefs and more to posture ourselves societally to like prove a point, but we're not really like we're not, it's like we're not making the choice to do something or not

to do something based on what we actually think our worth is but rather we're deciding what our worth is based on what other people say their worth is. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, oh, she wouldn't do that because she says that she's worth more than that. Well, I guess I shouldn't do that either because I don't know, I want to be worthy of things that are great as well. And if she wouldn't do it, then I shouldn't do it. Or if she did do that, then I should do that. Or I'm just, that's just an example. But that's why that dilemma is interesting to me because I do think a lot of times we almost pretend to know our worth, but we don't even really know what that means to us. And I think that the answer is far simpler than we think. I think that the only person who can determine your worth is you. And so I'd like to believe that

we can determine our own worth. So if your question is how to actually know your worth and not just say you do. You need to create it. You need to fucking open up a notebook and write down your worth, figure out what that means to you. Because I really do think that it is of our own creation. There's no other way to find out. We determine our own worth. Now, obviously we must be rational, right? Like, it's not healthy to be like, I'm worth the most in the world. Like, I don't know, like it's, that's, you want to be rational about it,

but I think other than that, it's really up to you. And I think that's why it's so hard to determine at times because it's all in your control. No one should be telling you what your worth is anyway. And if they are, that to me is a red flag unless they're telling you that your worth similar to what you believe your worth, if that makes sense. If they're reassuring your worth in a way that's positive, I think that's great. But for the most part, I feel like people should not be interfering with that because

it's kind of none of their business. It's up to you to set the bar. I would say to know it is to create it yourself. Next, somebody said, how do I maintain a positive mindset when it pertains to body image? And then somebody else said, how to overcome feeling insecure about yourself slash image? Well, my first piece of advice is not shocking to returning listeners of this podcast. My first piece of advice is to get off social media as much as possible. Now again, I always give this advice not saying you need to delete everything off your phone.

I always give this advice knowing that almost all of us will continue to go on the internet, to go on social media. It's very challenging to live without. However, there's a healthy balance and there's an unhealthy balance. And most of us, I would argue, have an unhealthy balance where we're on social media far too much to a point where we believe that social media is real life completely. Therefore, we compare ourselves to things on social media as though they're real life. We're aware of everything that's going on on social media at all times.

And we believe that that impacts our life when in reality it doesn't. If your friend is on vacation in Europe, that has nothing to do with you. You seeing that doesn't impact your life. If you want to see that and you're excited to see that, great. But the influx of information that's pointless and useless becomes our reality if that's all we're consuming and we're not connected to the real world that we can touch and feel.

I really, truly do believe that when someone is struggling with their body image, the first thing that they should do is go on a little social media cleanse. Maybe it's a week, maybe it's a month, maybe it's six months. That's up to you. That's for you to decide. But I think the first step is breaking the social media addiction cycle because for me personally when I'm on social media all the time, my body image plummets.

I feel horrible about myself because all day I'm seeing people who look 50 times better than me in my opinion now I'm aware that because I'm somebody that also posts on social media There's a chance that I make somebody feel bad about themselves and that they're comparing themselves to me That is the nature of the beast and the same goes for you Anyone who posts on social media is feeding that beast now I think when one is in a good place mentally, they can look at things online and appreciate them and not compare themselves.

I do think that that's possible for some people. But if you're in a particularly bad place with your body image, there's no way that you can fend off the comparisons. You just can't. And I think that it's a critical starting point to get off of social media so you can stop comparing yourself to others and also comparing yourself to potentially something that's not even real. Listen, we already know this. We've been through this a trillion times. This is not new to us, but we cannot deny the way that social media even subconsciously impacts our body image.

Now, once the social media piece of it is handled, there's still more to do, right? That's not enough for some of us. For some of us, it is. It depends, but for a lot of us, it is not enough and there's still more work to be done. I would say my second piece of advice would be to try to convince yourself to the best of your ability, even though it's going to be challenging, that your value is elsewhere. Your value as a human being has nothing to do with your physical body. Now, it's hard to believe that when societally, there are rewards for looking a certain way. At times, there are definitely rewards for looking a certain way.

There's definitely praise that comes with looking a certain way. However, what you must remember is that at the end of the day, none of that fucking matters if you're not a good person. What type of person you are will always, always shine through in the end. That's really all that matters. And especially, you know, looks and appearance is mainly is rewarded for the most part online.

Don't get me wrong. It happens in person as well. However, in person, personality will always almost always win over the room. At the end of the day, when you're on your deathbed, not to be morbid here, but when you're dying, it's not going to matter that you were beautiful stereotypically in the eyes of society. It does not matter. But you being a good person and you doing good things for the world in small ways, it can be small, it can be big, it doesn't matter, but doing good for the world in one

way or another. It can be in the tiniest ways, but it doesn't matter. Having a good impact on the world, that is what matters and that is where your value is. And I think that if you can slowly but surely teach yourself that that is where your value lies, and you can prove to yourself over time that that's what matters most. Eventually, you can set yourself free, because when your value is in your body image,

you put so much pressure on it and so much focus on it that a lot of times you expect more out of it than is even humanly possible. If you're obsessed with your body image, it's almost impossible to have a positive mindset about it. But when you can kind of let it go and realize that your worth is elsewhere, you can finally reach a positive place and a positive mindset with your body image. It's setting it free in a way. But I also do think that there is something to be said for taking care of your mind and body in all ways. Obviously, I just discussed taking care of your mind by slowly but surely teaching yourself that

your value goes far beyond your physical body. But I will say that taking care of yourself physically to the best of your ability in a way that's comfortable and enjoyable for you can also really help with your body image. It doesn't necessarily have anything to do directly with the way that your body looks even, but there's something about taking good care of yourself in all ways, mentally, physically, spiritually, etc.

That can help you accept all areas of your being. When you're taking proper care of yourself, there's something about that that just empowers you and helps you with insecurity and helps you with your mindset. And I don't know, that's also very helpful as well. Somebody said, how do I get in good shape while still trying to love myself and my body? Well, I think number one, it can be helpful to sort of change your goal in a way. Instead of saying, I'm trying to get in good shape so that I can look a certain way, change the goal to being, I'm trying to get into good shape so that I can look a certain way, change the goal to being, I'm trying to get into good shape so that I can run two miles in 15 minutes.

I think it's much healthier to make physical goals about physical accomplishments. Like, I want to be able to squat 200 pounds. I want to be able to do this full 20 minute ab workout YouTube video without taking a break like Instead of making the goal. I want to look a certain way. I want to weigh a certain amount Shift the goal to being I want to be able to do a hundred crunches Without having to take a break. You see what I'm saying? I think psychologically that's very helpful it sort of takes the pressure off of your body image and it allows you to handle the challenge

of self-love separately. Do you see what I'm saying? Somebody said, how to deal with body image after gaining weight? I went from underweight to having a more normal weight. This is incredibly challenging for people who experience it. I understand. I know from experience that being underweight makes you so incredibly miserable that your life, your quality of life is miserable. Your mental health suffers. I mean, it's already

suffering because you got to that place because you were suffering. That is suffering in itself. But then on top of that, when you're malnourished, you suffer even more mentally because when you're underfed and you're underweight, your body is like freaking out. It's like the brain is not being fueled well enough to produce happy chemicals. Like it's a fucking mess. Okay. So on top of you already being in distress, which is why you got to the place that

you're out in the first place. Now, as a result of your actions, you're in even more mental pain. It's a miserable, miserable way to live. You're weak, you're tired. You feel sick all the time. It's a fucking nightmare. And so my greatest piece of advice, because I know how challenging it is, is to remember how truly unhappy you were. Because I think a lot of people think, well, if I get down to this certain weight, I'll finally be happy. If you're underweight, you will not be happy. No, trust me, it is not happy.

You think it's gonna be, you think that you're gonna finally unlock this level of happiness, and you end up being met with worse problems than you ever could have imagined. And so I think in moments when you're looking at yourself now at a healthy weight and struggling with it, look at your body now healthy and repeat in your head,

however many fucking times you need to, that this body is a happier, healthier body. This body doesn't feel sick all the time. This body doesn't feel tired all the time. This body can run three miles if it wants. This body, you see what I'm saying? There are so many things that you can't do when you're underweight, that you can do when you're at a healthy weight again. And to remind yourself of those things is to reassure yourself that this

is where you're supposed to be. This is worth it. But I understand how challenging this is because you know, a lot of times when we lose weight, often even when we lose too much weight, we can start receiving more compliments than we could before. We can wear clothes that we didn't feel comfortable wearing before. And it's not like it's all bad. And that's why it's so challenging because we remember, my dad always says this, he says, the rows we remember, the thorns we forget. Do it that way you will.

But trust me, there were thorns, and you must remember those thorns, even when you remember the rose, you know? Somebody said, how to have motivation to better myself and my health. It's really hard for me. I think something that really helps is creating goals that you can actually accomplish. Like a lot of times we create goals for ourselves that are just fucking ridiculous. Like in

the past, I've created goals for myself. Like I want to run a marathon and then it's like, okay, no, I don't actually. Do you know what I'm saying? Like actually, no, I don't. And creating goals like that, that I ultimately will not fulfill, end up ruining my confidence and destroying my motivation to do anything else. Because I feel like a fuck up and I feel like a failure. And so I think the first step is to create goals that you can accomplish. Like start really small. Like tomorrow I want to go for a walk for 20 minutes, and I want to read a classic novel for 10 minutes.

And I want to do that for a week. Those are pretty small goals. Starting there with something that you can accomplish easily helps you build your confidence and your motivation to create bigger goals, to create more ambitious goals. Because over time you'll prove to yourself, I can actually accomplish my goals as long as I set them rationally, you know,

and I'm not like, I'm gonna run a marathon tomorrow and I've never run before. You see what I'm saying? And also I think too, it's important to find ways to take care of ourselves that are enjoyable. So for example, if you want to better yourself mentally and you want to learn different ways to, I don't know, like become mentally tougher or something.

So maybe you have a few ideas. You could go speak to a therapist. You could read a book about it. You could take an online course about it. You could watch an informational video about it. There are all these different options. And you're like, well, the most effective one is probably to do, to read the book.

But you're like, you know, I actually don't really like reading that much. Like I'm not in a reading phase. That's fine. Watch a video then instead. Do you get what I'm saying? Like choose what will help you accomplish your goal in the way that's most enjoyable for you. Or if you wanna become well-read,

you wanna read more books. Don't pick books that other people like. Don't pick books because they're really famous and they're classic books. Pick a book that you want to read. You know what I'm saying? If you want to read a classic book and that's intriguing to you, then you should do that.

But if that's not interesting to you, then you should find something else that you want to read. And over time, your taste will change and what you want to read will change. And over the next few years, you'll become well-read. You see what I'm saying? We tend to put pressure on ourselves to do the best thing first. Like oh, I want to become well-read.

I need to read only the most challenging classic books first. Oh, I want to run a marathon in a month. Okay, well, I need to run 11 miles tomorrow and start training that way tomorrow. 11 miles, no less, tomorrow. Oh, you know, I want to learn how to be mentally tougher. I guess I need to read this book that's, you know, this is going to be the best option for me. Like this is the most effective. You see what I'm saying? Like we can prevent ourselves from doing anything if we set our goals too high or we set a goal that's excruciating for us to complete,

that makes us miserable, that we don't actually want to do. Those were really bad examples, so sorry about that. Somebody said, I really want to work out, but every time I do, I feel like I'm dying five minutes in. I included this because we've been talking about exercise a little bit in this, although I do think that exercise and body image, though connected, are separate things because I think that exercise is not just about making you look a certain way. I exercise often because for me, it helps me so much with various mental health challenges such as anxiety. Exercise also makes me feel stronger and healthier and just better.

I just feel better when I'm exercising. That's why I exercise. I think also there's of course part of me that's like, I would be lying if I said that there was no part of it that related to my body image, because I think exercise does help me with my body image, because I'm like, I'm taking care of myself. I'm doing the best I can. And body image is a never-ending battle. And we're always fighting our demons in that area. But it does help with overall confidence in body image to know that I'm taking care of my body.

And I think that there is of course, a part of me that does it to look a certain way as well. I'd be lying if I said that there wasn't any connect for me personally, because there is. Even though I wish that there wasn't and I wish it was only about feeling good and taking care of my body, but I think, so there is a connection there.

It's complicated. Let's just say it's complicated. Anyway, to answer the question, I really wanna work out, but, but I think, so there is a connection there. It's complicated. Let's just say it's complicated. Anyway, to answer the question, I really want to work out, but every time I do, I feel like I'm dying five minutes in. It sounds like you're not doing a workout that's your level, you know? Like, there's a level of exercise,

I think exercise is ultimately the most enjoyable when it's a bit challenging. If it's too easy, then you don't feel the satisfaction that's so delightful after a workout. However, if it's so uncomfortable that you can't complete a workout, it's probably just not on your level and it doesn't need to be that hard. I love walking. I think walking is such great exercise and I've listened to some science about it and it sounds like walking is very healthy, of course, walking is very healthy. It actually,

some people argue it's healthier than running and I don't even want to get into that debate and I am not a scientist and I don't know shit. So I'm not going to say, I'm not even going to add in my two cents. However, I do enjoy running and walking. I do both. And running sucks. And some days I cannot run. And I really am hurting five minutes in and I'm like, I can't do it. So then I walk. And I think that you should adopt that approach. If something is so uncomfortable and miserable and challenging that you just can't even really

do it properly, make it a bit easier and it will still be effective. There are so many different workouts that are really challenging and really effective, but they're not as strenuous. Walking is a great example. Pilates is kind of controversial, but I do Pilates one to three times a week, usually just once a week. but I do Pilates. That's a bit easier, still very hard, but like, and I'm challenged by it, but it's not like running.

Like there's something about running that's just, oh, so hard. You could do yoga. You could, there's so many things you could do. You don't need to feel like you're dying five minutes in. You know, You can find a workout that matches your skill set that will be more sustainable. I think the best way to get into a consistent workout routine is to find one that you enjoy doing that's not so challenging that you're miserable. That's how it sticks anyway, and that actually makes it more effective long term.

That's how it sticks anyway, and that actually makes it more effective long-term. And that's it. That is it for today, you all. I hope you all enjoyed this advice session. If you did, I do advice sessions every few weeks, so tune in to Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday and listen to the other episodes. Stay tuned for the next advice session. It'll be coming out in a few weeks and What else?

You can stream anything goes anywhere you get podcasts video is exclusively on Spotify though You can check out anything goes on social media at anything goes you can check out me on social media at Emma Chamberlain You can check out my coffee company chamberlain coffee at chamberlain coffee on social media at Emma Chamberlain. You can check out my coffee company, Chamberlain Coffee at Chamberlain Coffee on social media or ChamberlainCoffee.com. If you want to go on the store locator, see if we're in a store near you or order online. Thank you all for listening and hanging out. It's always a pleasure and a joy and I love you. You're awesome. Thank you for listening and hanging out. And I can't wait to talk to you soon. Yeah, I guess that's it. Okay, bye. Love you. Talk to you later.

Talk to you later. Bye.