anything goes with emma chamberlain - break up? or no break up?

Episode Date: April 29, 2021

Emma is analyzing all types of fan relationship situations, and giving her thoughts on how to approach it. Friendships, romantic relationships, even relationships with peers. Weighing the pros and cons of significant others, handling long distance, what to do if friends feel manipulative, even how to approach a situation where someone gets pregnant. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello everybody, welcome back to anything goes. I'm Emma Chamberlain your host and your best friend if you would like me to be. I hope you're having an amazing week. I hope you're having an amazing day. Let's see. Do I have any life updates for you guys? Honestly, the only life update that I have is that I'm now obsessed with matcha. And if you guys know me, like, I'm a coffee drinker. Like, I don't do matcha. Like, that's not my thing. Actually, a little over a year ago, I had like a weird matcha phase where I was getting it for like two, three months. And like, I don't know why, because at the time I didn't even really like it, I think I really just like the color of it, like as it's this beautiful green color.

And I liked how it looked when I was carrying it around, more than I actually like the flavor, but I'm trying matcha again, and I'm kind of getting into it. It's not like great, but it's refreshing. I think that's the thing about it, is that it's like, the flavor isn't necessarily the most delicious

flavor on this planet, but it's super refreshing and Maybe my taste buds are becoming a little bit more mature because I'm learning to appreciate The earthy flavor of matcha more than I did before because I I know for a fact when I was drinking it like a year ago that I didn't like the flavor I was like Trying to like it for some reason. It might be an LA thing too. Like everybody in LA drinks matcha and carries it around and they're like little cup and it's like this pretty green color and you just look cool when you carry matcha around.

So maybe subconsciously I was trying to just fit in. But I actually am getting into it now and I'm learning to appreciate the earthy flavor and I'm figuring out my perfect matcha order and I'm figuring out how to make it at home and make it good. I don't know. I mean, why am I even talking about this? I guess the moral of the story is I'm giving matcha a try and I think I'm growing to like it.

So that's kind of exciting. That's the most interesting thing that happened to me this week. So let's just get right into the episode and talk about what we're going to talk about today. So I had this idea for a new segment a few weeks ago and they put it off because I Wasn't sure if it was a good idea and I'm still not 100% sure, but here's what it is. Basically, you guys send me a description of a relationship in your life that you're on the fence on.

It could be a friendship, it could be a romantic relationship. You guys describe it to me. As best as you can. Give me pros and cons, do the whole thing, and then I'm going to tell you, in my opinion, whether I think you guys should maybe have some distance, maybe break up, maybe stop being friends, or you guys should keep pushing through the struggles. And I do need to make a disclaimer because I don't ever want to be responsible for, you

know, a friend to break up or a regular breakup, ever. Like I don't want to be responsible for it. This is more just me sharing my opinion as to how I would handle these situations, whether or not I would pack up and leave or I would stay in it. And you can totally do what you want. But I feel like it could be kind of useful to hear somebody else's perspective. And I think it could be kind of fun.

So I asked you guys on the Twitter and AG podcast to send in your current relationship statuses, statuses, and I'm going to say what I think and say how I would handle it. And if you guys enjoy this, let me know and tweet at me and maybe I'll make this a little series. We will see. Okay, first one. Somebody said, so I've been in a relationship with my best friend

of five years. We love each other very much, but sometimes the whole affection side of the relationship makes me a little bit uncomfortable because I sometimes think of her as a friend rather than my girlfriend. What should I do? Well, I'm not sure how long you guys have been dating.

It sounds like you've been friends for five years. I'm not sure how long you've been dating.. It sounds like you've been friends for five years. I'm not sure how long you've been dating. If you've only been dating for a few months, I would say you ride this out because eventually that weirdness will probably fade away. But if you guys have been dating for a year plus, I would say this is definitely something you need to look into a little bit

because I can totally understand why you're uncomfortable. I personally have never dated somebody that I was best friends with first, ever, I have not. And there's a reason for that. It's because I get where you're coming from. That makes me uncomfortable. Like, I can give you an example. So I had a crush on this same boy from fifth grade

to like sophomore year high school. Actually, maybe freshman year high school. So it was fifth grade to freshman year of high school. That is a five year long crush. And the crush would go on and off and on and off, but I always deep down had these feelings for him. And he knows this. So if you're listening, what's up?

No, he's not listening. But like this kid, I really liked him for years. And he liked me back periodically too. So for these five years, we would always, both of us would go on and off liking each other, right? But we were also really close friends, like really, really good friends. We would talk all the time,

we had the same friend group, we were really close. And the really, really good friends. We would talk all the time. We had the same friend group. We were really close. And the reason why we never dated was because neither of us felt comfortable being affectionate with one another because we were such close friends. But yet at the same time, both of us were, had crushes on each other and wanted that.

But at the same time, we were like, we dug ourselves in a hole too deep. Like we can't be affectionate with one another. I mean, that's, you know, let's also not ignore that we were children. You know what I'm saying? Like we were in middle school and high school and that's, you know, like a pretty,

it's yet we were young, right? So the thought of affection was uncomfortable anyway, but I totally get where you're coming from. So here's my answer. If it's been like a few months and you're uncomfortable with the affection side of things, I would say you push through and you keep going and you weight it out a little bit and see if the feeling of discomfort goes away. Because you might even just be feeling discomfort in general with affection and relationships.

Obviously the fact that she was your best friend before you started dating might be adding to that. You might also just be uncomfortable because it's new. You know what I'm saying? Personally, I am uncomfortable with affection for months before I finally become normal and comfortable with the whole thing. It takes me a while in relationships to get there. So you might just be experiencing that.

But if it's been about a year or more, I would say this is definitely something you need to think about. Now, dating your best friend is a great thing, so I wouldn't run away from this immediately. I wouldn't just break up with her immediately. And if there's nothing else wrong with the relationship, I would really try to fight for it. You know, I don't think that this is something you need to run away from.

If the only issue in the relationship is the affection element, I would say you really try to rewire and reprogram your brain and be like, okay, she was my best friend, but now she's my girlfriend. And kind of train yourself to see her in a romantic light. If some time goes on and this doesn't happen and you still just see her as a friend, then I would say you have a conversation with her and you just say, listen, I love you so much. You are such an important person in my life,

but I just don't think that I can be romantic with you and I think that we would just do better as friends. But I want you in my life more than anything, but I just cannot comfortably participate in the romantic parts of a relationship and you deserve that and you deserve that and you deserve somebody who can fully give you that 100% and I can't. So I feel like we just need to be friends and you know you should date other people and I should date other people and we

should figure out how we can find a balance between friendship after this breakup. Somebody said, Hi, I'm I've been in this relationship for about two years. And just a few months back, I felt my feelings weren't really that strong anymore. I kind of still feel that way today. And even if we're still currently in this relationship, I feel bad because I know deep inside me

that I just want to be friends with him in the long run. I don't know what to do. I honestly have been just going with the flow now, but yeah, I really don't wanna hurt his feelings and I don't wanna lose our friendship as well because we started off as best friends. Also, our relationship isn't actually that complicated. It's just really what I feel that's making it complicated.

I've thought about breaking it off already, but what's really stopping me is how much he'd get hurt. I told him months back about this, but also told him that I'll try again, but four months later I still feel the same. I mean, I do need him in my life since he means a whole lot to me, but I'm certain that I'd only want to be friends with him in the long run. Okay. I totally get this.

And this is the hard part about being best friends with somebody before you date them. Because the relationship itself means so much more to you, which can be really good or really bad, right? Not really bad, but really painful. And you're in that dilemma right now where you're like, okay, I love this person so much, but I just don't have feelings for them anymore. And I'm trapped. I'm trapped because they didn't do anything wrong.

They didn't cheat on me. They didn't say mean things to me. It's just simply the feelings aren't there anymore. And that's a really tough spot to be in because you're going to blame yourself. You're like, I'm making this complicated. Our relationship would be so easy and so great. If it wasn't for me, me, me. Well, listen, it's not your fault. This is natural. Some relationships just don't work. It's simple as that. And it's nobody's fault. It's not your fault, it's not his fault. And listen, you've tried. You communicated with him about how you were feeling.

You said that you were gonna try to make it better. It's four months later and it's not better. You still don't have feelings for him in that way. And my conclusion is that you need to walk away. My conclusion is that you need to walk away. And here's the hard part about walking away, right? Let's not be blind here. Let's not act like walking away is an easy decision. When you walk away, you are risking losing the relationship as a whole.

There's a chance that it's not going to be comfortable for him to stay in any kind of relationship with you. It might be too painful for him. He might need to cut off all ties with you in order to heal. That's a possibility. And you are going to need to be okay with that. That's the first thing. The second thing is that you might be lonely for a little bit and you might feel this gap and this void in your heart because you might lose him. You know what I'm saying? But the reason why all of that struggle and pain is worth it is because right now you're stringing him along. Okay, you're stringing him along in a way that is not necessarily fair to him or to you. Because you know deep down that this is not going anywhere and you just want him as a friend.

Right? You're hurting both of you. You're holding yourself back and you're making yourself feel guilty and shitty and like a bad person because you're staying in this with not your full heart. And he is in a relationship with somebody who isn't all in when he could be out there looking for somebody else and you could be out there looking for somebody else. You're wasting both of your times. And the truth of the matter is, the sooner that you end this, the sooner that you guys are going to heal from the breakup, and the sooner that you guys are going to be able to hopefully build a friendship down the line once you guys have both healed that can be healthy and life enriching

Because the truth of the matter is you may lose him as a friend after you guys break up for a little bit but I would say most people That have an amicable breakup can be friends again down the line a Thousand percent once they're healed and once they've moved on you can absolutely have a friendship that have an amicable breakup can be friends again down the line, 1,000%. Once they're healed and once they've moved on, you can absolutely have a friendship.

He might need a lot of time, but you guys will be able to be friends again. The truth of the matter is though, the sooner that you break up with him and start moving forward and you guys both start to heal, the sooner you guys can be friends again. So I would say, it's time to end it. In my opinion, do what you want,

follow your dreams, but that's where I'm at. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. There's no instruction manual when it comes to being an adult. Sometimes I lay away at night rehashing something I said earlier that day, or I lay in bed at night thinking about what the future holds. I know I'm not the only one going through a lot of what ifs. Like what if I get into a fender

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Use the offer code Emma for 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Somebody said hi Emma. So basically I'm in a relationship right now and it's rocky. He won't answer my texts anymore like he did when we first started dating. He keeps ignoring me and he'll be really dry to me. I try to keep it going but I don't know what to do anymore. We've been dating for three months now.

I'm getting so tired but I really love him and I just don't know what to do anymore. We've been dating for three months now. I'm getting so tired, but I really love him and I just don't know what to do anymore. He says he loves me, but he says that I'm too clingy. I barely ask him for attention. He keeps asking when I'll see him and he keeps calling me a bitch because I won't go out and see him. Do you have any advice or things to say? Okay, this guy seems really confusing because on one hand he's like, you're too clingy, you ask me for attention too much and then he's like, you're being a bitch because you're not coming and hanging out with me. And you guys have only been dating for three months. Here's my two cents, okay.

In my opinion, in the first few months of a relationship, things should be relatively smooth. Now, I'm not saying that they should be completely smooth, right? Obviously, you know, there's gonna be some awkwardness because you guys are warming up to each other. Obviously, you know, there's gonna be some learning curves here and there, all of that is normal. But, him calling you too clingy this early on,

and you already feeling neglected this early on should not be happening because the relationship is so fresh, you guys should be feeling excited and obsessed with each other. That's how the beginning of relationship should be. You guys should both be overly clingy in the beginning almost because you guys are excited and you just found somebody that you're excited to talk to and date. There should be no, you know, you're too clingy. You're a bitch. Why aren't you hanging out with me? None of that should be happening within the first three months.

I'm sorry. It just shouldn't. Because this is the time where things are supposed to be really exciting and really positive and almost dreamlike. So in my opinion, I would say this might not be the guy. Because the stars aren't aligning as they should be. And I get that you like him, but he doesn't sound like he's actually ready for a relationship because he's kind of all over the place. He doesn't know what he wants. He's like calling you too clingy and

then saying like he wants to hang out in the your bitch for not hanging out with him. Like it's like, dude, make hang out in the year of bitch for not hanging out with him. Like, it's like, dude, make up your fucking mind. I don't think he's ready. I don't think he's ready for a relationship. And I think that this is already taking a toll on you mentally in a way that it shouldn't be this early on. You know what I'm saying?

The challenges of a relationship shouldn't really come until later in my opinion. Like I feel like these kinds of struggles of balance shouldn't come until later. And the beginning of a relationship, the struggles that you should be having are struggles like letting your walls down and being vulnerable with somebody that you are getting to know

or learning to turn off your trust issues and trust again. Like, those are the types of struggles that you should be having in the beginning of a relationship. Not a struggle of like, this guy thinks I'm too clingy. Like, that's just, no. That happens down the line in a relationship when somebody gets a job and the other person doesn't. And then it's like, one person is still equally as clingy as they used to be, but then this

new person has a new passion and is going on their own road. And you guys need to find a balance, but that happens down the line. I don't think that should be happening right now three months in. So I would say this might not be the right situation for you. Okay, somebody said, I'm really scared that all of this is in my head, even though we've been heavily flirting and planning what dogs we should adopt and what to name them and how many kids we want. And it's not that odd to me because the nature of our friendship since the beginning

was flirtatious and caring in that way. But I don't know how to proceed anymore because we're not dating. There's no label. He also said that he wants to date me and is very protective of me, but not in a toxic way. But it's like, what if I'm just making it all up in my head? Okay, well any dude that is,

you know, planning a future with you to your face openly is either flirting with you or is leading you on in a dirty way. Okay, so for starters, you're not making this up in your head. If he's talking about all these future plans with you that are kind of romantic. I have no reason to believe that you're making this up in your head. That's just thing number one. Okay, she continues and she says, we both plan on living in the country that we're both from when we're older, but I'm not planning to move back until I finish all my studies, and that's not for a couple years.

But he's moving back next year. And it's like, what do I do? Should I only have eyes for him or not? Because I feel like I should live my life and meet other people. And if we're meant to happen, we'll both find our way because we're both young and you never know we have our whole life ahead of us. Absolutely. Okay.

So, a few things in this. Number one, I don't think you're imagining anything. I think that he's clearly trying to send a message to you that he's interested in you because he's making all these future plans. He's sharing these things with you. He clearly likes you and you clearly like him, which is great. But because you guys are not dating and because neither of you guys want to put a label on it right now and because you're in college and you're studying and you're doing your whole thing, I think that you should let this go for a little bit.

Personally, I think that you let this go for a little bit. You finish your studies, you flirt with boys, you meet new boys, you have fun, experiment in a sense, and when you get home from college in a few years, he'll be there and you can see what comes of it then. And I don't think it would necessarily be a bad thing to like keep contact with this guy. I don't think you need to cut him off completely and like ghost him.

I don't think that's necessary. But maybe just spread out the talking a little bit and just focus on you for now. Don't plan your whole life around this guy because in my opinion, it can sometimes be a red flag when guys start planning the future with you. They're like, we're gonna get a dog

and we're gonna get this house and we're gonna have these babies and we're gonna name them this and we're gonna get this house and we're gonna have these babies and we're gonna name them this and we're gonna do that. It can sometimes be a red flag, depending on how soon they start saying stuff like that. Like, this guy is saying this stuff and you guys aren't even dating yet.

So that kind of is a red flag to me that he's very emotional and very impulsive, which makes him a little bit less trustworthy, which is why I think you should really try to live your own life right now and see if you guys cross paths again down the line because I don't know if I trust him because he's rushing to say all this stuff and like, you guys aren't even dating and that's just a little bit suspicious to me. If you guys are meant to be and you guys are meant to have those dogs together, and you

guys are meant to have a house together and have kids together, whatever it may be, let that happen on its own. You know what I mean? Action speak louder than words. So, if after your studies, you guys come back together, and he's ready, and he wants to date you, and everything is great, then it was meant to be. But if not, then at least you didn't feel like you were waiting around for nothing. But I would stay still keeping contact with them. But also to go back to what I was saying about, you know, somebody making these elaborate plans about, you know, your future together, even

if you guys haven't been together for that long. I wanna touch on that a little bit because I, even though it's kinda unrelated, like why not? I would say that that's a red flag unless you guys have been dating for like a decent amount of time. And a decent amount of time for me

would probably be like five solid months. Like five solid months, that excludes the talking phase. Like I'm talking about five months of solid dating where you guys are like comfortable with each other and like things are going really well and things are solid for five months. At that point, then I think starting to talk about marriage or you know, fantasizing about having children together,

having a house together, whatever, I think that that's fine. And I mean, I think it could even be fine sooner, even at around three months, depending on how well your relationship is going and how quickly it evolved. But I think that you guys need to be solidly dating, like have a solid relationship foundation

before those things start coming up. And listen, there are gonna be times in your life where you date somebody and you talk about getting married and you talk about having kids and you talk about all these fantasies that you guys have together and then you guys break up. There are gonna be times when that happens. There are gonna be times when those promises don't come true.

And that's something you also have to accept. You know what I'm saying? It's really dangerous to be throwing that stuff around in a relationship because there can be a lot of false hope in it and it can kind of trap you in a way. Where later you're like, fuck, I can't leave now. Like, we have all these future plans and blah, blah, blah. And it might even make you stay in something

that's not healthy. I think the key to these kinds of fantasies is to make sure that you're taking it with a grain of salt and looking at it like this. Right now I'm with this person and right now I love them with my full heart and I Would love to marry them and I would love to have children with them and I'd love to have a house with them

And I'd love to have a family with them But it also might not happen and that's okay, but right now this is what I want and I'm sharing this and I'm talking about this with them, knowing that we don't know what the future holds. You know what I'm saying? But this is just a fun thing to fantasize about now. So you can't take it too deeply, you know? Anyway, moving on.

Somebody said, hi, am I love you? So my best friend has a girlfriend and I kind of like him, but he doesn't know. Before he had a girlfriend, we were always hanging out and our friends were shipping us. And now that he has a girlfriend, we've distanced a little bit, which I understand.

We went from texting every day to like two to three times a week. I don't know what to do because he's going to lead for college and he told me before that he doesn't plan on doing long distance, but I don't know if that has changed because they've been together for around eight months. Okay, so from what it sounds like to me, you are kind of planning on swooping in once he goes to college and him and his girlfriend break up. Break up.

Break up. Break up. My advice to you is that you need to let this one go. Now, I'm not saying you need to let this go altogether. I'm not saying, oh, you can't be friends with him. You need to cut this man off. No, no, no, not at all. I think that you just need to nurture this friendship now more than ever. This man has a girlfriend, okay, right now

in this present moment today, and all we have is the present moment. So let's work with what we have right now, okay? What we have going on right now is that this man has a girlfriend. You can't predict for sure whether or not they're gonna break up when he goes to college.

He might be saying that now, but God only knows, okay, young people change their minds every 30 seconds. Don't get your hopes up, but also you can still swoop in at some point if he ends up being singled down the line, a thousand percent. But let's not think about that yet. Let's not plan for that yet. Let's handle what's going on right now, which is that he is a girlfriend. Just be a good friend to him.

Continue to be a good friend to him. Continue to nurture that friendship and try your best to kind of move on from your crush. Don't get me wrong. You can reignite that crush at any time. But for right now, I think it's best that you try to let it go. And it's not easy, but try to let it go as best as you can.

And if at some point is single and you want to swoop in, my God swoop in, but right now you can't. So don't start scheming about how you're going to do it because you just don't know what's going to happen. They could get married. You don't know. And that's probably're going to do it because you just don't know what's going to happen. They could get married. You don't know. And that's probably not going to happen. But it's like, don't wait up for something that you can't promise yourself is going to

happen. Start flirting with new people. Start talking to new people and enjoy that while you can. And then down the line, you guys might end up together. Who knows? But you can't rely on that right now. So I wouldn't focus on it. Somebody said, I'm very single LMAO, but I was kind of talking to this kid throughout

the summer. We hung out in a group a few times and it seemed like it was going to work out. His friend would hype me up a bit and so would mine. We stopped talking out of nowhere and I'm regretting it. I don't know if I should try again. I feel stupid messaging him again. My advice in situations like this

are always going to be message him again, always. And the reason for that is, there's no reason not to. Nothing went wrong. You miss him, you wanna try it again. There's literally no reason to not do it. What is telling you not to do it? The little voice in your brain that's telling you that you might get rejected. Okay. Now, I'm somebody who is terrified of rejection, terrified. It controls me almost. So I understand this, but I have to train myself to not be overcome by my fear of rejection.

I have to train myself every day. I have to remind myself every day to unlearn that way of thinking. The only bad thing that could happen, if you reach out to him again, is you getting rejected and listen, you'll survive. Either way, you're going to be sad. If you don't text him, you're going to be sad. If you text him, you could be happy, but you might also be sad. But either way, there's a possibility that you're going to end up sad. Okay? I'd say you text him. Worst comes to worse. He doesn't respond.

He doesn't give you the time of day. Okay, well now you have closure. And you never have to wonder, oh, what if I would have messaged him? Well, you did everything you could to try to make that situation work. And now you can live with no regret. You did everything you could. Now you can move with no regret. You did everything you could. Now you can move on and feel free.

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But now that I'm done being all sentimental, check out macy's.com slash Emma. There's so many different things on there and you'll be sure to find some great ideas. That's macy's.com slash Emma. Somebody said, hi Emma, my best friend keeps manipulating me. She lives in a different part of my state and every time she comes to visit, she lies and

does everything she can to avoid me. But then acts completely normal over text, FaceTime, etc. She does this time after time, and I constantly tell her how bad it hurts and she doesn't care. She also keeps texting me random things where she's lying to get my attention. But I'm ignoring her now because of how bad it hurts. What do I do? Okay, well, before I even analyze this situation, I'm going to say this is done.

I'm sorry. She is breaking multiple friendship rules. Okay? Number one, she's lying. That's already a no. Lying is a deal breaker to me personally. A friendship based on lies is not a friendship. Period.

A friendship based on lies is not a real friendship. A friendship that is based in manipulation is not a friendship. And this friendship has both. There is literally no reason to continue this friendship. I cannot see one reason. There's not one pro to continuing this. She makes you feel like shit. She's lying to you and she's manipulating you.

And I understand how hard it is because even if a friendship is harming you in a hundred ways, it's hard to just end it because friendships that are already developed are comfortable. But this friendships over, okay, she's not a good friend and there are seven billion people in this planet find another friend. Can guarantee you, you can find a friend that won't lie to you and won't manipulate you. I can confidently say this one needs to end. Somebody said, so basically my girl best friend

is kind of ignoring my presence and only spends her time with her boyfriend. But I was in a relationship and I used to balance everything and I never left her alone at all. Is it being selfish to ask her for the same effort? Not at all. It is never selfish to bring up your needs to your friend. And whether or not they can actually do it

is a whole nother conversation, but it's never selfish or wrong to communicate your needs in a friendship or a relationship, ever, because if you want to fight for this friendship and you want to keep this person in your life, you have to communicate your needs. Or else everything will implode because you're going to grow resentment and you're going to start to get angry. And then they're not going to understand why you're angry. And then the whole thing is just going to, it will just implode. Always remember that you are entitled to feeling the way that you feel in a

relationship and you're entitled to share that and you're entitled to share your needs. And you should encourage yourself to share your needs. And who knows, you guys could even become closer after this conversation. This is not a friendship that I think you need to run away from quite yet, because it's so normal for people to put all of their energy into their significant other once they get into a relationship. It's very normal.

I've done it. I've done it. Like just cut everybody off because I got into a relationship and I was like, I don't need anybody now. I've done that. And it's easy to do, because you're so excited,

because you finally have somebody that you care about so much and you're so excited and you're so in love and you just don't even wanna think about anything else. And you don't care about your friends and they'll be fine, they'll be fine. It's so normal, but I think that you bringing it up is going to make her realize what she's doing and she's probably gonna make an effort to make it better.

You'd hope so, and if she doesn't, then you can consider, okay, let's weigh this out. Do I actually wanna be friends with this girl if she only cares about her boyfriend? Like, I don't know, I don't think I do. And then at that point, you can distance yourself. But I think for now, number one priority is having a conversation.

Somebody said, I love my boyfriend so much. We've been dating for two years, but it's just different from the beginning. I feel like we've changed. Obviously, there's the good days, but sometimes I just feel so insecure and feel like he's going to drop me at any second. And sometimes I feel like I ruin it by my personality,

and we just don't vibe like we used to, and I can't help but think about the future. We're both 19 and we're in college. What if he finds someone better? I love you. I love you too. I... Okay. It sounds like to me that this is just the classic situation of the vibes don't match anymore. You know what I'm saying? You guys met at a point in time where you were on the same page. You looked at life the same way and everything was great. And then as you guys both grew, you guys grew apart, which is so normal. And this makes so much sense because you guys are in college,

which is a very transformative time of your life, where you both are going to grow and change and evolve so much, right? It also sounds like to me that you are basing a lot of your worth on this relationship. And the reason why I say that is because at the end of your message, you say that you worry that he's going to find someone better. That screams to me that you're basing your worth based on this relationship and whether or not it works out, which is also very normal, but also very unhealthy and kind of codependent

in a sense because I don't want to put words into your mouth, but it seems like you are looking at this relationship failing and you're letting it affect how you view yourself. You're like, ah, this relationship isn't really working out and we're not vibing like we used to because of me because I'm not how I used to be and I'm not you know as Fun as I used to be or my personality isn't the same as it used to be and this is all my fault It's not it's not your fault at all This has nothing to do with you this has to do with you both and It's nobody's fault. It's just not working out anymore and

It's clearly taking a toll on your mental state. You're insecure. You feel like shit. It's totally fine to let this go. I think that this should be let go. I think that this is a breakup to me because even though nothing went severely wrong, you're so young and when you're young, there's no reason to waste your energy in something that just isn't working anymore. Whereas when you're in a marriage and you're like 60, it's inevitable that your vibes are not always gonna match because you guys have been together for so fucking long

that like, yeah, sorry, sometimes things are gonna be a little bit rocky, you know what I'm saying? But when you're young, there's no reason to say in something that's not serving you anymore. You know, but if you're also like Emma, I really think that this could be overcome. I think that we could overcome this together. I think that this is just a moment in time.

Then in that case, write it out a little bit longer. But if you don't see this improving anytime soon, I would say that you break up. Somebody said, in response to being on the fence in a relationship, he walks me to class every day and came to watch me at my track meet yesterday. He also visited me at the Asae Bowl Place I work at, but he never asked me to hang out. We talk on Snap a lot too, and he'll tell me that I look good or whatever, but he's also going to prom with a friend instead of me.

So I don't know. Okay, here's my take on this. He has such a crush on you that he's scared to ask you to hang out. It's clear he has a crush on you. He's making efforts in ways that are not as scary, right? If he goes to your track meet or visits you at your work or compliments you over Snapchat,

those are all easy things to do. You know what I'm saying? Those aren't hard things to do. They don't take courage. Asking you to go on a date, asking you to prom, all of that takes courage. This dude's terrified of getting rejected by you. So he's doing little things to show that he cares

that are less risky, but it's clear that he has a crush on you in my opinion, this is very clear. I'm sorry, but I've never gone to attract me voluntarily ever gone to a track meet voluntarily, unless I had a crush on somebody who was competing. I'm sorry, like, you know what I'm saying? Well, I also did track, so then I would go to track meets. But you know what I'm saying? Like, I wouldn't voluntarily go to a track meet

unless I had a crush on somebody who was running. You know what I'm saying? Like, hello, I wouldn't just go to somebody's work. And I wouldn't just compliment somebody over Snapchat just to be nice. Like, those are all things that you do to send a message. But I think that he's terrified of making the first move, the first bold move. So honestly, if you have the balls, I would say you ask him on a date or you make a first move because he's terrified. I can tell, just based on this. I would say you run with this one,

like you really give it a go. And also him asking a friend a prom that's not you. Yeah, because asking somebody to prom is the most scary thing ever. Are you kidding me? The fear of rejection with that. And also if he asks a friend and they reject him,

he's not gonna care, but if he asks you and you reject him, it's gonna hurt 10 times worse. It's clear that this kid has a fear of rejection. He'll probably make a move at some point, but I would say if you could make the first move, he would be ecstatic. Okay. Somebody sent me the pros and cons of a guy that they've been talking to.

So I'm going to read the pros and cons. Pros, same sense of humor, physically attractive, and we've known each other for a long time so he knows and understands me well. The cons is, we have different political views. His views are such a turn off for me and I don't know if being together would make me resent him for not agreeing with the things that I fight for. Okay, so here's my personal take on this and listen, it's totally different for everybody. I, you know, I don't know. This is a tough one. But the way that I've always handled this is,

I feel that politics are very personal. The thing about really personal beliefs, like religion or politics, is that it's rare that people are going to always see eye to eye. It's rare. Even if you share the same political views to somebody, there's still a chance that you guys are going to disagree on some element. Because politics are very personal and religion even is very personal.

Things like that are very personal. And I think that as long as somebody's political views, or their religious views aren't their entire personality, I think that it's something you can get past. And I think that you guys should just really agree to not talk about it. And I would also say as long as his political views don't make him a, like, don't affect his morals negatively because it, some people can have different political views to you, but still be a morally good person. But some people have a different

political view to you and it actually affects their morals negatively. So assess that and be like, okay, is this affecting his moral compass in a way that I don't agree with? You know, if the answer is yes, then maybe you shouldn't talk to this person, but not because of their political views necessarily, but because of their morals. But I think that in this day and age, politics and morals are hard to, they're becoming more and more intertwined, right? And so it becomes more confusing. But if he can separate his political views

from his morals and he has good morals, then I would say this is something that you can work through. Because if he's a good guy, he treats you well, you guys laugh together, you think he's cute, whatever, then I mean, I don't think that the whole politics thing should be a deal breaker. But I'd also avoid that conversation at all costs because you can absolutely have a great relationship without bringing politics into it. This episode is brought to you by Liquid IV. Liquid IV believes everybody needs hydration every day. It's not just for athletes or that one time you try to hot yoga class. Staying hydrated is essential whether you're just taking a stroll through your neighborhood, traveling or

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I am a big fan of liquid IV. I drink liquid IV after workout. I drink liquid IV after a long day of sweating in the sun during the summer. I drink liquid IV if I just feel a little bit dehydrated. You know, maybe I have a little headache, I feel a little off, I love it. It's so easy. You just rip the packet open,

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real hydrating by a stick of liquid IV at a store near you or head to liquidiv.com and use the code anything for 20% off your order. That's liquidiv.com with the code anything. Tap the banner or visit this episode's page to learn more. Somebody said, me and my boyfriend have been together for three years and he is in college and I'm working full time. We still see each other every weekend

but we've been fighting like crazy. Any tips on how to stop fighting or how to keep my eye on the prize through all the stress? It sounds like you guys are fighting a lot because you're both stressed out. But the problem is that if you guys are just fighting all the time, then how is this enhancing

both of your lives? If you guys are already stressed as it is, and then you come home and see each other on the weekends, and the stress just gets amplified because you're fighting, then what's the point? I think you guys should take a break, and I think you guys should do your own thing, focus on work, focus on yourselves,

and then maybe rekindle your relationship down the line when things settle down because the thing is you guys are spreading yourselves too thin because you're both working really hard and you're stressed and you don't have enough time to focus on yourself which is making you restless. And then when you guys are together, it's just negative. You guys need a break.

And you guys don't even necessarily need to fully break up, but maybe just like take a month off. And like see how you guys feel and come back together and like talk and be like, okay, can we do this relationship without fighting? Because this is just not worth it. You know? And if you guys can't figure out a way

to have a relationship without fighting, I say you mix it. You know? And if you guys can't figure out a way to have a relationship without fighting, I say you nix it. Somebody said, Hey, Bestie, I hope you're doing well. My problem is that my best friend and I have been long distance since four months ago. And I've been through a lot of shit last year. And she wasn't there. All she does is say, I miss you once every two months. And that's about it. I'm always checking in on her. I know the best thing is to let her go and see if she comes back. Well, if you're confident that what needs to happen is you need to let her go and see if she comes back, then that's absolutely what you should do. Because this past year has been extremely hard, transformative, confusing, all of the above. And so many people have changed.

And so many people have lost contact with people that they once were close to, because that's just what the circumstance forces to do. If you feel like this needs to end, then I say you trust your intuition with this one. And who knows, you guys could become close again at some point, but it seems like right now, it's just not working.

So let it go. Somebody said, I'm talking to somebody right now, we're both seniors and I plan on going to college on the West Coast and he plans to go to the East Coast. This means we only have a couple more months together. Is it worth pursuing when I'm not even sure I want to be in a relationship in the freshman year of college? I think the key with this situation is to stay present because right now you like him,

right now you guys are talking, right now you guys are having fun. Once you guys leave for college, then you can handle that situation. Decide if you want to stay together or decide if you want to break up, but right now you like him. And all you have is today. So I say you just keep pursuing it if that feels right to you and if he's a good guy and he's trading you well. Who knows?

By the end of the four months, by the end of the summer, when you guys leave for college, you guys might have this beautiful relationship that you don't wanna lose. And you guys might be able to make long distance work. But by the end of four months, you might be like, okay, this was fun, I enjoyed it, but I don't feel like I can keep this going

and I don't really think I care enough to do that either. I'm gonna let this go. And at that point, you can make that decision. But for now, if your heart is telling you I wanna pursue this, pursue it. Somebody said, my boyfriend and I have a pretty decent relationship. It's overall pretty healthy, however,

I sometimes find myself getting bored and feeling like I really just want to focus on myself and not be with anyone, especially since I spent so much of my team life dating. I'm 20 now. I can't really bring myself to break up with him though, because they don't want to break his heart. And we're in the same friend group, which makes everything super complicated. I just don't know what to do. Well, this is tough, because dating when you're young, oh, it's so, it's so hard and I totally get it because it's this constant battle, right? Half of you is like, I want to be single, I want to go, you know, have one night stands in like fucking talk to random people and like go crazy in a sense. But then half of you is like, I want to be comfortable

and I want to be in a relationship and I then half of you is like, I wanna be comfortable and I wanna be in a relationship and I wanna have somebody to come home to every day. You know what I'm saying? But because we're young, we're not ready to settle yet. We're not. We wanna go and be crazy sometimes. And being in a relationship is a sacrifice, right? So it's hard.

But it sounds like because your relationship is healthy, it's making it even more complicated. Because this is not a matter of whether or not you should break up with him because the relationship is bad. It's a matter of what do you want to do with your life, right? This is completely all about you. This almost has nothing to do with him. This is a matter of whether or not you want to be

in a relationship right now in this phase of your life, which is way more complicated because he's not doing anything wrong. So this is a decision that you're having to make for you and that's so uncomfortable because you're like, it's easy to feel selfish when you're in a scenario like you are. I would say this,

way the pros and cons. Would you rather be single and potentially lose this relationship forever? Okay, you might never get this back, this specific relationship with this guy, which could be fine and could be totally great in exactly what you need, but would you rather be single

and potentially lose him forever, okay? But also potentially find somebody new that may even click with you even better and may even be more fulfilling for you. Or would you rather stay with him and see how you can build this to be less boring and to be more interesting and to nurture this relationship and make it better and make it as great as it can be because it sounds like it's already pretty healthy. So what would you prefer to do? Potentially lose him, but also potentially find something

even better, or stay with him and nurture it as best as you can. That's a decision that you're gonna need to make. But here's another thing to look at. If you stay in this relationship with him, you can still take time to focus on yourself. It's totally okay to have some distance in your relationship and spend some time apart even while you're still technically dating. That's very important. You should be doing that anyway. When it comes to you being bored, that's very normal in a healthy relationship.

Unfortunately, it's sometimes going to be boring because guess what, there's no drama. And sometimes you guys run out of things to talk about to each other because you've already talked about everything. That's normal. That's a part of dating. But maybe you don't wanna date right now.

Maybe you don't want to date right now because You want to Enjoy your 20s and be single and flirt with every guy that walks like maybe that's what you want Then by all means leave And I know it's even more complicated because he's in your friend group, but trust me you'll figure it out You guys will be able to figure it out that you can't stay in a relationship for something like that. You know what I'm saying?

You have to weigh the heavier parts, which is you and your significant others well being, right? And you don't want to string them along either. If you're not all in it, you don't want to string them along. But I also want to emphasize that feeling burnt out or bored in a healthy relationship is normal, like it's going to happen sometimes. But it usually will pass. The thing is, if it never passes and months go by and it never passes, that's when you're

like, okay, maybe I need to go and branch out, because even though this isn't necessarily toxic, it's not giving me what I need. I would argue that's the hardest type of relationship to end. Is the relationship where things are actually pretty healthy, but they're just not quite what you need. It's so hard, because it's hard to rationalize ending it. But you don't need to rationalize anything. If you want to leave, you leave, period.

Relationships are 50-50. If you're not all in for whatever reason, you are absolutely entitled to feel that way. My friends are a little bit fake and I'm scared of being judged by them all the time. I really don't know. Okay. In a friendship, you should strive to feel like you can be completely

you. 100% around this person. That should always be the goal with a friendship. Is that you should feel like you can be completely yourself. A thousand percent and not be judged by this person. That should be your goal and a friendship and in a romantic relationship. You should feel like you could come to them and say anything and they would be on your side. If you maybe did something wrong, they would help you, but they would root for you and they would help you become a better person. That should always be

the goal in friendships. And if you're not getting that from your friends right now, you're going to get it from someone else. Explore, branch out, meet new people. I don't think that you should be friends with people who you feel like you're being judged by all the time. But also, if you're struggling with a sense of anxiety that's more your own struggle rather than like them actually judging you and you're just scared of them judging you, work on being more vulnerable with your friends, even though it's going to be really uncomfortable and see how they react. If they're judgmental, then those are not friends

and you need to find new friends. But if they welcome you with warm and open arms, then that just means that you were creating that issue in your own head because of your anxiety, which I do all the time, let me tell you. So try to figure out whether or not this is something that you're creating in your mind or whether it's real. You know what I'm saying? If they're not actually judgmental and you just thought that they would be,

then great. Now you can work towards being more open and more comfortable with these people. Somebody said, hi, am I just recently found out I was pregnant and ever since I told my boyfriend I wanted to keep it, he's been very distant and whatnot. I know it's hard for him, but it's hard for me too. I feel like I'm going through it alone emotionally and he's always going to throw it in my face that I wanted the baby. Everyone's happy for us, but he's the only one dragging it. He says he doesn't think our relationship is important right now and he just wants to focus on the baby. Should I leave our romantic relationship alone and just focus on the baby? Well, for starters, I'm sorry that you're going through this and that he's, you know, not being the most supportive because I can't imagine how upsetting and confusing that might

be, especially with the responsibility that you feel now with this baby that you're holding, you know what I'm saying? Like, it's an extremely emotional time as is and all you want is love and support and so I'm sorry that he's not really giving you that. But I would say the most important thing right now is the baby, you know, and trying to find a balance with him as best as you can, trying to find a solution that works best for you both. Because it seems right now a romantic relationship between you two is not what's working for you both, okay? It works for you, but it doesn't work for him which is unfortunate but Have a conversation with him and say okay

I I really you know want you to be here and Be a figure in in this child's life and I want you to Support this child and you know be excited about it But I also need you to do that for me. And in any way that you can, please try to support me too, because I need it, and I'm not getting that from you right now, and it's making this really difficult for me.

In any way that you can support me, I will take it, whether that is us not being a romantic relationship right now and us being more platonic. That's what you need in order to support me. Great. We'll make it work, but I need you to be supportive. So what can I do and how can we rearrange this relationship so that we're both supporting each other and the child? You know what I'm saying? How can we find a balance that works for every party that's positive? Because guess what?

I'm pregnant. I'm going to have this baby. You're the dad. I'm the mom. How can we make this the best possible situation for all three of us? We need to figure out a way because there's no changing it. Being negative, doing all this, complaining about it is not going to get us anywhere. We're in this situation together. Let's be a team. What do you need from me? And this is what I need from you. Anyway, we're going to do one more. Somebody said some pros and cons of their boyfriend and we're going to analyze them to finish off

this episode. Pros, he loves me a lot, he has similar interests to me, he understands mental health, he isn't afraid to show his feelings, he introduces me to new things and takes me on adventures and he supports what I do. Cons, he guilt trips me into doing things I'm not comfortable with. Not sexual things, more like illegal things. Makes empty promises, turns conversations

about our relationship into conversations about him. Example, I'm such a bad boyfriend. He's on his phone most of the time. He told me that when my mental health is bad, I just need to try to not be sad and doesn't put a lot of effort into the relationship. Okay, this is tough because he has some really great pros, but he has some very bad cons. I would say, you know, the fact that he loves you and you guys share interests in that he understands mental the fact that he loves you and you guys share interest in that he understands mental health and that he shows his feelings. All of

that is so great and all that is traits. All of those are traits that, you know, you should look for in a partner. But I would say that his cons are our deal breakers. I don't, like, for example, pressuring you to do anything in general and not being chill, like, is not okay. Like, pressuring you to like drink or smoke weed or do whatever or like, it's like if he does that stuff, who cares, right?

But like, pressuring you is a whole nother thing. Okay. And all of his kind of empty promises and his kind of selfishness and his almost emotional disconnection from you, just being on his phone all the time and stuff like that, he's not present in this relationship. And he may have these really amazing traits,

but he's not, he's clearly not ready to be in a relationship because he's so disconnected and he's not thoughtful of you at all. And he may love you and he may take you on these great adventures and he may understand parts about you that you feel like nobody else can, but these negatives, in my opinion, outweigh the positives. And the truth of the matter is, you can find somebody out there that has all of the pros that he has without any of the cons. I promise you, it exists. He's not mature enough right now to be in a relationship. And so, in my opinion, I think this is a breakup.

And you should start searching for somebody. Well, not even searching, but you should wait and find somebody who has all of his pros and even more pros. Because the cons are like pretty bad. Those are things that I would not put up with personally, because it's almost like you're dating a fucking robot because he's on his phone all the time and every conversation's about him. It's like, what?

That's not a relationship that's so unfair to you. That's so unpleasant. And listen, you could always have a conversation with him about all these things. You could say, listen, I really don't appreciate the year on your phone all the time. I really don't appreciate that you make every conversation about you. And I really don't feel comfortable with you pressuring me into doing these illegal things. You could have a conversation with him about it. And if he changes, great, but people don't, you can't expect that. You can have a conversation with him about it and if he changes great but

people don't, you can't expect that. You can't expect people to change. So I would say you either have a serious conversation and see if he changes things or you break up with him. Anyway, you guys, that was really fun. I'm sorry that you guys are dealing with these complicated relationships. I know that feeling and I deal with it all the time to this day, so I understand. I hope that maybe some of this was useful, helpful in some way, or if not, I hope you at least enjoyed it. And I love you guys so much and I appreciate you guys so much and I appreciate you guys listening to the podcast every week. And if you enjoy it, leave us a five stars on Apple Podcast. It really helps me out, and I read the reviews,

and it literally makes me choked up. I'm not kidding. Every time I read reviews, I get choked up, and I just really cherish our connection and the conversations that we have weekly. And if you want to follow us on Twitter and participate in the episodes, the Twitter is at AG Podcast.

Go give it a follow and see what's up there. And I think that's all I got. Anyway, guys, I love you so much. Thank you for listening. And I will see you next week. Sending you positive energy and strength for you for the rest of your week. Love you.