anything goes with emma chamberlain - exes and breakups, advice session

Episode Date: August 25, 2024

hello and welcome back to advice session, a series here on anything goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on, and i give you my unprofessional advice. today's topic is breakups and exes. this is a topic i could go on about for hours, and now i get an excuse to do that. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello and welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on and I give you my unprofessional advice and then you take it with a grain of salt because you should always take advice with a grain of salt. Today's topic is breakups and axes. I'm not going to lie, I love this topic. I've been through quite a few breakups in my day. I have quite a few Xs. This is a topic that I could go on about for hours.

And now I get an excuse to do that because I'm giving unprofessional advice about it. So I'm really excited and let's waste no time and let's just dig into it. This episode is brought to you by Airbnb. One of my favorite trips is a trip to Palm Springs Just dig into it. This episode is brought to you by Airbnb. One of my favorite trips is a trip to Palm Springs with my friends.

You know, I don't live very far away from Palm Springs. It's a short two hour drive away. But what made it so special was our Airbnb. It was just a little weekend trip, but getting to stay all together in one house made it particularly memorable. It was the perfect balance of privacy and community, and we were able to sort of live normally.

Cooked dinner, watched TV, we all hung out by the pool together. Airbnb also has something called guest favorites. All of the most loved homes on Airbnb based on reviews and reliability and are rated above 4.9 stars on average. I've used this many times when booking Airbnbs because it sorts it through to the best. I am very much looking forward to my next Airbnb trip. I'll let you know where I go. This episode is brought to you by Monopoly Go. The summer of sport is on and I'm totally feeling the competitive spirit. You know, I'm not always competitive, but every once in a while it comes out of me.

Like, for example, when I go to a workout class, deep down I'm always trying to run faster than the person next to me, lift heavier weights than the person next to me. Certain things bring out my competitive streak. That's why Monopoly Go is a perfect game for me. It's an awesome mobile twist on Classic Monopoly where you build your empire and go for the gold to win anywhere, anytime. Over 150 million players have downloaded it. You can connect with friends or make new friends with players all around the world. You can play events together or just smash their landmarks, pull bank heists,

or charge them rent, just like in classic Monopoly. It's your chance to be the number one tycoon. And you know, have a little gloat. Make your move and download Monopoly Go now, free on the App Store and Google Play. This episode is brought to you by Vitamin Water. So much of what the world is obsessed with starts out in New York City. It's a place full of style and character that has something for everyone.

With a range of flavors to meet any kind of taste, it's no wonder Vitamin Water was born there. Colorful, flavorful, anything but boring, Vitamin Water injects a daily dose of vibrancy into a watered-down life. Grab a Vitamin water today. Someone said, can you actually be friends with your ex? This is really complicated. I really think it depends because the problem with being friends with your ex at the wrong

time is that it will inevitably cause problems. If you become friends with your ex too soon after the breakup, and the breakup was intense and filled with emotion, and there was still a lot of love there, you're at risk of irresponsibly getting back together, right? You broke up for a reason, usually. And if you become friends too soon, you might be tempted to get back together in a way that's irresponsible because you can't resist each other. And that's beautiful and that's so sweet, but that can also be

absolutely horrific because then you get back together, you realize, oh wait, we broke up for a reason and then you break up again and then you're worse off than you were before. You know what I'm saying? It might end uglier the next time, like it can just get nasty. Now, let's say the breakup was mutual. Both of you wanted to go your separate ways. And it wasn't so painful that you think you could be friends immediately. That's great in theory, but it is not fun when you start seeing your ex go on dates. Even if you don't like them anymore, it's still really uncomfortable. And if you become friends too soon, watching that can cause some friction.

So I think for the most part, you shouldn't be friends immediately. Like even if, again, it was so mutual and neither of you like each other anymore, I think it can still get messy. Now let's say you've given each other quite a bit of space, maybe a year, maybe three years, both of you have moved on, neither of you like each other anymore, but you miss each other as friends. Okay, maybe that could work, maybe.

But let's say both of you have new significant others. There's a chance that that will upset the new significant others. And that is drama that you don't want to deal with, right? You have to be respectful and thoughtful of your new partner's comfort levels. So that could potentially cause some issues. Again, you could think you're over this person, but when you become friends again, you rip open a wound again and you fall in love with them again.

And maybe they don't like you back, or maybe they're the same person that you broke up with a few years ago and the relationship is no better than it was a few years ago and now you're in a messy situation again. Listen, there's a lot of potential risks that come with being friends with your ex. In my opinion and in my experience,

the only time it works is when you dated, but you were never really in love. Now, being in love is complicated, right? I think a lot of times we think that we're in love, but really we're experiencing extreme amounts of lust and, sorry, but delusion. And once that wears off, we realize, wait, we didn't love that person. What? We weren't in love. So I think with exes where that's the case, and you weren't really in love,

and it became very clear to both of you that you were not compatible, and it was a very mutual split, and no one cried when you split up, it was kind of chill or whatever. I think you can totally be friends. You were barely in a relationship, you know? But a lot of times, we experience sort of short spurts of dating people where there's these explosive moments

of lust and it feels like love, and then it turns out kind of not to be and then it's like, oh. But they were kind of fun to be around. Being friends with that person is totally fine and I think it's easy. Like, I have one ex that comes to mind where that was the case, exactly what I just described. Like, when we broke up, neither of us cried,

neither of us were really that sad. Like, it was like, yeah, this is not right. I could easily go and be friends with him tomorrow. I'm not friends with him, just because, I don't know, there, this is not right. I could easily go and be friends with him tomorrow. I'm not friends with him, just cause I don't know, there's just no reason to. Like I do believe that our time together is over in all capacities.

Just I don't think either of us have any interest in being friends. We're very friendly, but we're not friends. But out of all my exes, I could easily be friends with him, you know, because we never loved each other. Whereas I think of the exes that I truly loved, I think, I'm pretty sure the closest thing I've ever experienced to love, right? Romantic love anyway, I think of those exes and I'm sorry, like, I don't know, it'd be tough. Like I think maybe in 10 years, but it's like even in 10 years, like, why would

we even be friends? You know, we have different friend groups. Like, why would we be friends? It just doesn't even make sense. I don't know. I think it's possible, but I think one must weigh the pros and cons and rationally assess the risks, you know, and realistically assess the risks because you might be setting yourself up for drama and that's something you have to be open to. Listen, I would love to say, of course you can be friends with your ex. It's easy. You dated for so long, you know each other better than anyone else, you're best friends, practically.

Of course you can be friends. It's complicated. It's complicated. In the emotions that come with being friends with an ex are sometimes unexpected. You might think, I'm not going to fall in love with them again, or I'm not going to get jealous when I see them getting flirted with by another person. It's fine. I'm over it, I've moved on. You probably have less than you think.

You're probably not moved on. Like I probably just now in the last two years properly moved on from my first boyfriend that I dated when I was 17. I'm 23. This stuff lasts. Like now I can look at my first boyfriend and be like, oh my God, I'm so happy for him.

He has a girlfriend or whatever. Like he's in love. He's happy. It seems like that's literally gorgeous. Like I can look at it now and be like, that's amazing. But for a long time, I did not feel that way. You know, even years after. Anyway, I'm not friends with any of my exes.

It's never really worked out. Um, but maybe it will. Like maybe in three years, I'll end up becoming friends I'm not friends with any of my exes. It's never really worked out. But maybe it will, like maybe in three years, I'll end up becoming friends with one of my exes and it'll be a delightful friendship. I'm open to it, but you gotta be careful. Next, somebody said, how to know if you aren't passing up on your soulmate? I don't wanna regret my decision forever.

I think the best way to handle this anxiety is to remember that it's very unlikely that we only have one soulmate out there. It's very unlikely. I believe that we have many soulmates. In moments like these in my own life, when I'm making a huge decision that could change the trajectory of my entire life, what I do, a huge decision that could change the trajectory of my entire life, what I do, and again, this might not work for everyone, but what I do is I lean on the universe.

I lean into my spiritual side and I trust that whatever happens was meant to happen. And that mentality doesn't work in every situation. was meant to happen. And that mentality doesn't work in every situation. There are certain things that do not invite the mentality of everything happens for a reason. But when it comes to dating, I actually really do believe

that everything happens for a reason. And I think if things are not working out with whoever you're with, right, or whoever you're pursuing, or whoever you're deciding whether or not you're going to date or whatever, if you have a gut feeling that it's not right, if for some reason youite with them down the line and maybe date then. It might be that this is not the right person for you, even though they're great and delightful. But if it's not working, it's not working. And if it's truly your soulmate or one of your soulmates, I believe that you'll end up together somehow, some way. And I think when it comes to regret,

I think it's up to you whether you regret your decision. If you take your time and make choices wisely and do it in a way that aligns with your morals and your values, you won't have any regrets. If you make rushed decisions, if you take mediocre advice, if you handle things in a way that doesn't feel genuine to you, then you might regret your choice. But if you handle things in a way that feels admirable, honest, authentic, responsible,

and thoughtful, you will not regret your choice. You're making a smart choice for you. I think the key is to take your time in making your decision. Let your instincts guide you. Your gut knows shit. Trust your gut more. And also trust the universe. Trust that when it comes to dating, for the most part, everything happens for a reason.

And I really do believe everything definitely happens for a reason if you make your choice wisely. If you do the best you can to make the best choice possible, weirdly, in a weird spiritual way, I do believe that the universe will have your back or God or whatever. It sounds ridiculous, bringing spiritual energy into this topic, right? But I think when it comes to things like soulmates, you know, twin flames, whatever you believe

in, it is sort of a spiritual thing. There is something larger than us that takes place when it comes to love and kindred spirits and things like that. And I don't really understand how it all works and you probably don't either. I don't think anyone does. I don't think any human does. But I think to trust in the universe or God or whatever you believe in and to do your best

to make the best decision possible, you will be okay. And you will not have any regrets. Next, somebody said, I want to break up with my partner, but I'm scared that I'm going to lose them forever. Well, I have to, well, here's the problem. So there's a problem. The problem is you might lose them forever. And that is something that you have to accept. If you don't want to lose them, then you need to figure out how to fix the situation that you've got.

That is the only answer I have. Because the second that you break up with somebody, they are free to go do whatever they want, as are you. But if they go and find somebody else, there's nothing you can do about that. And it's unfair to them to have any sort of leash on them in any capacity. So if you break up with them, you must let them go do their own thing until

you're ready to come back into the picture and commit again. That's the only time you should ever come back into the picture. I mean, unless you want to become friends down the line, like years down the line, but you have to be okay with the fact that you might lose them forever. And that's the choice that you have to make. You have to weigh the pros and cons. Would I rather stay in this relationship and try to fix it, even though it's really challenging and painful, or would I rather risk losing them forever and let them go,

even though that's painful as well? This episode is brought to you by Monopoly Go. The summer of sport is on, and I'm totally feeling the competitive spirit. You know, I'm not always competitive, but every once in a while it comes out of me. Like for example, when I go to a workout class, deep down I'm always trying to run faster than the person next to me, lift heavier weights than the person next to me. Certain things bring out my competitive streak. That's why Monopoly Go is a perfect game for me.

It's an awesome mobile twist on classic Monopoly where you build your empire and go for the gold to win anywhere, anytime. Over 150 million players have downloaded it. You can connect with friends or make new friends with players all around the world. You can play events together or just smash their landmarks, pull bank heists, or charge them rent, just like in classic Monopoly. It's your chance to be the number one tycoon. And you know,

have a little gloat. Make your move and download Monopoly Go now, free on the App Store and Google Play. Somebody said, how to get over someone that meant so much to you? I mean, everyone always says this, but it really is true. You just have to give yourself time. Time heals all wounds as they say. Look at me with all my cliches today, like a walking Pinterest quote once again. Every once in a while I turn into a walking Pinterest quote and it's super cute of me. I think being patient with yourself is key. Understanding that it's going to take time

to move past this person and allowing yourself to sit in the pain, feel the pain as a means of getting through it. Because something that I've learned over my various breakups is that when you allow yourself to feel the pain fully, cry, scream, do what you got to do, it can't last forever. And in our 24 hours goes by of intense pain and then, oh wait a minute, a glimmer of light, a small smile crosses your face. You're not

as sad anymore. You're still sad face. You're not as sad anymore. You're still sad, but you're not as sad anymore. In the moments when you're the saddest, you're like, there's no fucking way I'm ever going to get through this. But if you allow yourself to feel it, you'll come out the other side, happier than you thought you ever could have been again. And that might not be very happy, but it's happier than you thought you could ever be again. And that's an accomplishment.

And so slowly but surely, those happy moments will become more frequent. And the moments of you crying and laying face down in bed, those will become less frequent. And when you look back after six months of healing, a year of healing, you'll be like, oh my God, I can't believe I was ever that broken about this. But it takes a lot of time. And on top of time, I think that there are other things that really help. Having fun with dating, go on dates, have fun. When you're ready, of course, lean into friendships, lean into your existing friendships, work

on making new friendships, lean into your hobbies, lean into your career, lean into you, lean into your life outside of that person, and make that as rich and beautiful as possible so that you don't feel as tempted to look to your past at what your world used to be with that person. You're so fulfilled with the life that you've created in front of you today that you don't really look back as much anymore. Somebody said, what do I do when someone I loved in front of you today that you don't really look back as much anymore.

Somebody said, what do I do when someone I loved moved on with someone new? It hurts. This does fucking suck. In fact, this actually happened to me with my first boyfriend, which is particularly painful because the first love is always the most painful. Like, that was easily the hardest breakup I've ever gone through. And he moved on pretty quickly. I mean, he might have had a girlfriend two months later, maybe. And I remember seeing that and being just overwhelmed with emotion. I mean, number one, I'm questioning myself, like,

why is he so happy with her and not me? Like, what's wrong with me? Why could he not find that in me? But also, how is it so easy for him to move on? Like, he moved on overnight, you know? Like, it feels like overnight. Like, how is that? Like, was I not important to him? Did I not matter to him? How was he able to move on so quickly? Meanwhile, like I'm still destroyed over him, right? But also I think the heartbreak of, oh shit, now we're really not getting back together. Now I think there's a few things to remember. Number one, and this is a really hard thing to grapple with because a lot of times it forces you to look inward in a way that is even more sort of vicious than when you first break up and you're like, well, what's wrong with, like, why can't we make it work? Like, what's wrong with me? What's wrong with us? Like, when they find someone new and are able to have a functioning relationship with

someone else, it makes you reflect even more intensely, right? And I think the most painful thing about it is that you're forced to recognize your flaws in dating. And I remember, you know, in my first relationship, I was forced to accept that I did have some flaws in the relationship. Don't get me wrong, so did he. In fact, he might've had more flaws than me. But I also was flawed in the relationship. And I can even give you some examples. I was very immature when it came to dating, when I was dating my first boyfriend. Why?

Because he was my first boyfriend, I'd never dated anyone before. Whereas my first boyfriend had had quite a few girlfriends before me, right? So it was very different. And I think he wanted to date somebody who had a similar level of experience in dating to him. And that was really hard for me to swallow because I was like, well, that's not my fault. There were some things about dating me that were maybe kind of challenging because I was so new to dating

and I didn't really understand. Like, I don't know how it worked. I just like, I was kind of awkward or nervous or whatever. I don't know. And it made me feel incredibly insecure. But I actually am grateful for the fact that my first boyfriend moved on quickly because I think it forced me to reflect on who I was in the relationship

and analyze why it didn't work with me and why it seems to be working with this next person. And I think I learned a lot about what I want to be as a girlfriend, you know, who I want to be as a girlfriend. Not that I made any grave mistakes, because I honestly didn't, not that I was bad or evil or wrong or mean or anything really even negative, but there were things that I realized about

myself as a girlfriend through that experience that I think has made me a better girlfriend since. So I think the first silver lining of watching your ex move on to someone else is a chance to better yourself for the next relationship. Now, there might be times where you look back at your relationship and you're like, I really wasn't the problem. And I'll tell you, I've had situations like that as well where me and a boy have broken up and I've analyzed it, looked back and been like, I wasn't the problem. Like, I just wasn't the problem.

And you might discover that as well. And if that's what you discover, then the silver lining is that now you can learn based on the faults of your ex, what you're looking for next time. And it can better clarify what you're looking for next time and it can better clarify what you're looking for next time. So I think there's a huge silver lining opportunity in watching your ex move on to somebody new because it forces you to analyze the situation. Now listen, there's also some things that you must remember as well because that's the hard thing to swallow, but there's some far easier things to swallow that I want to present

to you as well. Number one, if you had issues with your ex, if they were challenging, if they didn't love you enough, chances are they're gonna do that with their next partner. Like what they did with you, they will do with the next, almost guaranteed. Not always, which is very tough to watch, but for the most part, that happens.

Number two, you might just not be as compatible with your ex as this new person. And yeah, that fucking sucks. But also, they're not as compatible with you as your next person will probably be with you. Does that make sense? When you move on, chances are you're going to find somebody who's way more compatible with you than your ex. And that's a really exciting thing, right? It sucks to not be compatible with somebody that you really like. But when you look at it, big picture, you look at it long term, it's actually really exciting because you will eventually find that person that's compatible with you and you're going to be much happier

with them. And last but not least, your time will come. If they moved on to somebody new and you haven't yet, your time will come. Be patient moved on to somebody new and you haven't yet, your time will come. Be patient. Everyone's timeline is different. They just happen to find their person first. Like in my first relationship, my ex went on to date somebody that they've been with for a very long time. Meanwhile, I've dated many people since, you know? And that's okay, our timeline is different. But you know what? It does hurt. We can do all these mental gymnastics, trying to find the silver lining,

making ourselves feel better because, you know, they're not gonna miraculously turn into a better person now that they're with a new person, or they're not gonna miraculously become a better partner because, you know, like, we can do all these mental gymnastics, but at the end of the day, it still fucking sucks. And again, that's where time comes in. Give yourself time, let yourself feel the pain,

and go out on a date. I think that that really helps. Like you don't wanna rush yourself into it, right? But getting back out into the dating scene can really help. And I've done that, honestly, through every breakup, not even gone on dates, but started going out a bit more and flirting with random guys, not that I'm good at flirting, but trying to do that. And getting excited about what's next in my life, you know, what boy is going to come along next. But there's one more thing I also want to mention because I've experienced watching an ex move on when I haven't yet, but also

I've been the ex that has moved on quicker than my ex, right? Like both have happened in my life. And I will say that being the one that moves on first, it doesn't make the healing process any easier. Like just because in my scenario, when I happen that moves on first, it doesn't make the healing process any easier. Like just because in my scenario, when I happen to move on faster, just because I found an incredible person and happened to move on in that scenario, does not mean that I was not simultaneously

still mourning the loss of my ex. You know, those two things are separate, right? When you find someone new and you're like, fuck, this is such a great opportunity. This person is so great. I can't miss out on this opportunity. What are you going to do? And so it might seem like your ex is moving on really quickly, but there's a great chance that they're still mourning the loss of you and that it wasn't easy for them to move on. Because I've had that happen to me, you know, where I have moved on because an incredible opportunity

has presented itself, but I was still battling the demons of my last breakup, you know? So don't assume just because they moved on quickly that it's easy for them to get over you. There's a chance that they're not even over you yet. They are, they're trying to get over you, but they're not fully over you yet. And then eventually they will be fully over you and maybe you'll be moved on too. But don't be fooled by the illusion of, my God, they moved on so quick. I've been the one that moved on quick. And it's not

because I was trying to be evil. It's not because I was trying to rebound. It was because I met a really fucking cool person. Like, what do you do? What the fuck do you do? Right? And I now imagine my first boyfriend, who I thought moved on really quick, I bet that's exactly what he did. He was like, fuck, this person's so cool.

We're so compatible. You know, I'm so sad about Emma, but like, what can I do? You know, like she's, she's here and she's in front of me and I don't want to miss out on this opportunity. Yeah, there's that. Somebody said, I need advice on finding happiness alone after a relationship has ended, please. I think searching for happiness is tough because happiness is hard enough to come by on a day-to-day basis anyway. What I think you should be looking for is fulfillment, finding things that fulfill you. Because it's very rare that we feel like extreme happiness, right?

I, for the most part, am leveling out at like a comfortable, like, content. But like happiness is hard to come by. And especially after a breakup, it's even harder. So I think what you should be searching for is things that fulfill you. Okay? And I've mentioned these earlier in the episode, but in exciting social life, hobbies that are fulfilling and exciting to you and make you feel good, that you enjoy doing, that you're doing solely for you and your own fulfillment, taking care of yourself, exercising, cleaning

up your home, leaning into your career, whatever that may mean for you, doing things for you that make you feel fulfilled, that make you feel satisfied, that make you feel proud of yourself, that help you build your self-esteem. All of these things will help you find a better quality of life after your breakup. It takes a lot of courage because after a breakup you have no energy. You just wanna lay in bed and cry for years and years and years.

But you have to get your ass up and do it because I literally can promise you it will make you feel better. Like I remember after one of my breakups that was really challenging, I got really into soul cycle. Like I became obsessed with SoulCycle. I was like, you know what?

I'm gonna, I like haven't worked out in like three years. I haven't exercised. I'm gonna get into fitness again. And I got into fitness again and that greatly improved my life. There was community at SoulCycle. You know, I made friends there. I, you know, I loved the community.

I loved, you know, moving my body every day. It was amazing. And it was the hardest thing I ever did. I really didn't want to rip my ass out of bed and go and do anything. But for some reason, SoulCycle was the one thing that I would get myself out of bed to do. And it helped me heal exponentially faster than if I had just continued to lay in bed. And it actually became something that I really cherished in my life and enjoyed. And it sounds cringe because it's like, oh my God, I'm at SoulCycle. It's a cycling class. Like, shut the fuck up.

But this is the truth. Like, SoulCycle became something that even after I healed from the breakup, I really valued. I valued the community. I valued the physical activity. And that has not stopped since. I don't go to SoulCycle anymore, but I do workout classes still. I've found new ones that I like even more.

And like I'm forever changed from the discovery of fitness that that first breakup sort of inspired. So it'll help you with the breakup, but then it'll be a gift that keeps on giving for years to come. Somebody said, my friends with benefits started liking me and I couldn't reciprocate so I ended things. But now I miss him and I don't understand why or what to do. Well, anytime you're being like physical with somebody over an extended period of time,

you're going to become attached to them inevitably. Like it's just, it's inevitable. You're going to become attached in one way or another. And I think that that's the risk of friends with benefits is you might not want to date them, but you are doing something, you know, having sex or hooking up with them or whatever, in whatever way. You're bonding with them in a very intimate way. And you're becoming attached to them in one way. Naturally, when it comes to friends with benefits, one person at least is going to start liking the other. Because you must like each other a little bit if you're having sex. So, and when you have sex, you learn so much about the person and you become so close to them in such an intimate way. Like, it's natural to then start to like the person

in a serious way. I think you miss them because you do like them in a way. You do have feelings for them. You would not be having sex with them if you didn't. That's why you miss them. I think you should really look inward and ask yourself why you wouldn't date them. What is it? Because you obviously like them a little bit, right? If you're hooking up with them, you must like them a little bit. Why wouldn't you date them? What's the reason? Because you might have some sort of limiting belief about this person that actually is unnecessary, you know, and is actually preventing you from potentially having a great relationship with this person, you know, maybe your limiting belief is like, uh, I don't want to date a finance guy,

and this guy works in finance, like, I want to date a musician or I want to date an artist or something. Okay, but you like, you clearly like this person a little bit because, again, you are having sex with them. You would not even casually want to have sex with somebody that you're not interested in at all, especially repeatedly. So check in with yourself and see if you have any limiting beliefs that are preventing you from dating them or preventing you from admitting that you like this person.

Because it might be something that you actually want to give a try, but maybe you have a valid reason for not wanting to date them. And when I say valid, I mean valid to yourself, if that makes sense, like not valid to any external people. You can do whatever you want. It's up to you, right? But like maybe the reasons why you don't wanna date this person are actually completely rational and fair.

Like we're not compatible. Like we don't really like hanging out. We just have really good sexual chemistry. But like when it comes to actually hanging out, not having sex, we don't really get along or whatever. In that case, you have to just accept that you miss your sexual relationship with this person, but dating them is not going to work. So you must set that person free and mourn the loss of that person. That's all you can do. And I already talked about handling the breakup, even though this isn't

a full breakup, but it's sort of a breakup. So when it comes to moving forward, the advice from earlier still applies. Somebody said, how to know if you're falling out of love? You know, this is tricky because in relationships, there are ups and downs. There are moments when you feel so in love and so excited and so passionate and so excited. And then there are moments when it's just sort of normal and you don't have that excitement and things are just kind of bleh. And when things are kind of bleh, that's normal. It's normal for that to happen.

That happens in every relationship. Things aren't going to be fiery, lustful and exciting all the time. In fact, I think in a really healthy relationship, they're happening probably less than you would expect because that's unrealistic. And so I think when it comes to figuring out if you're falling out of love or not, I think it comes down to the question, am I okay with living without this person? Now, I think we all should strive to be okay without anyone in life, right? Like try to be as independent as possible so that it's just, I think it's healthier in a lot of ways, but ask yourself, how would I feel if we broke up? And if in your head you're like, honestly, I'd be relieved. Like

I just, I would be relieved. Like I kind of, it kind of sounds delightful to be honest. If you ask yourself for a month straight every day, how would I feel if I broke up with my significant other? And every single day you're like, oh my God, I wish I could. And every time that you ask yourself, you become more and more excited and inspired by the idea. I think that that's how you know

if you're falling out of love. If you're in a relationship and things are feeling kind of bleh, but when you ask yourself, how would I feel without them? You're like, I would be a mess. It would be bad. It would be tough. That's not falling out of love.

That's just being in sort of a mundane phase of the relationship. Somebody said, can I change my girlfriend or should I just drop her? Okay. To me, it sounds like if you're just toying around with like, or should I just drop that bitch? I don't think you respect and cherish this person enough to be with them. I think you should drop her, if you will, quote unquote. Because for the most part, we can't change people. We can grow together, we can evolve together, but people are who they are. And if you're like, eh, do you think I can change this bitch

or should I just drop her? No, no, I don't think you're ready to be in a relationship either if you're talking about it like this. Like, I don't think that you're fully ready to love someone and accept them for exactly who they are. And, you know, respectfully let them go if it's not working out. Like saying, or should I drop her?

I don't know, drop her is crazy to me. Anyway, let me make the answer more concise. Can you change your girlfriend? Probably not. You can learn and evolve and grow together, but you can't change her. She is who she is. So you have to choose to accept that or move forward. And then you saying, or should I drop her? It sounds like you don't truly love her in a deep enough way. Just from that wording, you don't love her deep enough. So I think you should break up, to be honest. Because breakups are not that light and airy. They're usually much heavier and more serious

and more painful than that. So I think just break up. I think it's not the right match. I think it doesn't seem like you love her. I think you should break up. Because there's things about everyone that we don't like. All of my friends, all of my family members, people I'm with romantically, like whatever. Everyone has things that maybe in theory I would change about them.

All of those people that I just mentioned also have things that they would change about me, right? But we all choose to love despite, right? And it's not even like a question like, oh, should I change my loved one or should I just drop them? Like, I love them so deeply and so much that it's like, no, I'd rather work through the challenges that come from their traits that are challenging for me. It's not even a question whether or not that it's like, no, I'd rather work through the challenges that come from, you know, their

traits that are challenging for me. It's not even a question whether or not I'm going to drop them. It's just a question of how are we going to get through this together? And so if you're not in that mindset when you're dating, I think it's time to break up. And last but not least, somebody said, would you forgive infidelity, cheating? Should I? You know, I've almost always said I would not forgive cheating. And I think I do stand by that. Do I think that people can change? I actually do.

I don't think I believe in once a cheater, always a cheater. I do think that people go through phases in their life where, you know, their morals are not as intact and they do think that people go through phases in their life where their morals are not as intact and they do shit that they regret. I really do believe that people can change. I don't believe once a cheater, always a cheater. However, if someone cheats on me, if my boyfriend cheats on me, I will never be able to trust them the same again. The relationship will be permanently tainted. I would rather be with somebody whose worst nightmare is to cheat on me because they value our relationship so much because that's how I date.

When I'm dating somebody and I'm really deep in it and I love them, it's my worst nightmare to cheat on them. I'm like, I'm like afraid to go out without them even, and this is extreme and unhealthy, so don't do this, but I have been in relationships in the past where I've been like, I'm so into this right now that I don't even want to go out without them because I don't want to be at a club and for some guy to grab my ass when I'm walking by

and for my boyfriend to find out, even though it's not my fault, and then them break up with me. That's how afraid I am of cheating on boys that I love. And I want to be with somebody who has the same mentality. how afraid I am of cheating on boys that I love. And I want to be with somebody who has the same mentality. I want to have somebody who is so deep in the relationship and so grateful for my presence in their life that they would do absolutely fucking nothing

to jeopardize it. And so I don't think I personally would forgive cheating if they cheated on me. Would I forgive an ex's past if an ex had cheated? Yes. Would I forgive an ex who cheated on me, would I forgive an ex's past if an ex had cheated? Yes. Would I forgive an ex who cheated on me? No, I don't think I would. I would have to break up.

The only exception would be, I think if I was like, let's say 50 years old and I have kids with my husband and he cheated on me because he's like having a midlife crisis or something and it has nothing to do with me. He's just having a midlife crisis or something. And it has nothing to do with me. He's just having a midlife crisis and we've been together for 40 years. You know what I mean? Well, I guess it wouldn't make sense if I'm 50. That would mean we would have had to start dating at 10 years old. Okay. So let's say we've been together for 20 years, 30 years, right? And you know, they're having a midlife crisis. It's a personal issue. Like it has nothing to do with me.

I might be able to forgive and move forward for the sake of my family, but it would be very challenging. And I might even still divorce. I don't know. But I think I would try to push through it because, you know, we've now made a promise that's far bigger than just dating, right? Like in dating, it's like, I'll go find someone else, like who won't do that, right? To marry and have kids with, you know, to be my life partner.

Like, if I'm not married yet, why not go find someone else? You know, there's a lot of fish in the sea. So if someone cheats on me, I don't want to get married to somebody who cheated on me. If somebody cheats on me 30 years after marriage, it's like, fuck, okay, well, let's figure this out. You know, why did this happen? But I think in the dating phase, fuck, I don't know. I'm out. I'm out. And speaking of that, do you ever wonder like if you've ever been cheated on and you don't know it? Like I have so many suspicions that I've been cheated

on in times when I've not actually had confirmation. Like I had suspicions, but never had them proved. And oh my God, I'm so curious. I wonder if I've been cheated on and not known. Ooh, I want to know. Oh my God, it'd be fun to know. But I'll probably never know. Anyway, that's it. That's all I have for today's advice session. I hope that you enjoyed it. And if you did, new episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday. Stream anywhere you get podcasts, video episodes exclusively on Spotify. Check out Anything Goes on social media at Anything Goes. Check out my coffee company, Chamberlain Coffee.

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Thank you all for listening and hanging out. It's always a pleasure and I'll talk to you in a few days. Okay, bye.