anything goes with emma chamberlain - growing up as an only child
Episode Date: June 17, 2021Growing up as an only child is a really unique experience that can really have both positive and negative impacts on your life and relationships. From feelings of independence, desires to be alone mor...e often than most, relating more to adults more than people your own age, difficulties sharing with others, and much more. Emma discusses her experience growing up as an only child and the differences vs. having siblings, and how that’s impacted her personality and her approach to life. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Hello everybody, welcome back to anything goes I'm Emma Chamberlain your host I hope that you're having a gorgeous week
I had a good week although nothing interesting happened I
Cooked I
Cleaned I went to the gym I
Did my chores I read my book I journaled and that was it like Like that's all that happened this week.
But it was a good week.
But because I have no life updates,
let's just get right into the episode today.
What are we talking about today?
Today we're going to be talking about
the stereotypes of only children.
I grew up as an only child and I feel like
throughout my life,
stereotypes have just been thrown at me.
People who aren't only children definitely tend to judge only children for whatever reason.
And I kind of get it because when I think about the concept
of being an only child, it's very weird.
Like it is kind of weird.
And it's not super common.
Like I don't meet a lot of only children
on my day to day excursions.
Like it's kind of rare to meet other only children.
And as much as every human being
and every only child is different,
I thought it'd be interesting today to go through
a list of stereotypical behaviors of
only children.
I want to give my opinion as an only child and say whether or not I think that they're
true, at least for me.
Obviously, every only child is different, but let's see how much I fit the only children stereotype.
I found an article online, the website is bestlifeonline.com, and they wrote an article called 15 Dead Giveaways
that you're dealing with an only child.
I'm going to give my opinion on them, and we will see how they did.
Number one, only children are independent to a fault. One of the
biggest perks of being an only child is also one of its pitfalls. Only children
get so used to being alone that they have an independent streak that's
difficult to break. That can often mean that as adults it's their way or the
highway. And if you have a strong independent streak of your own, make sure that
you know the 15 ways to be a safer, female solo traveler.
Oh, that would actually be a really good article
for me to read after this,
because I do like traveling by myself.
But anyway, I do think that I'm independent to a fault.
I would say that this is true,
because as much as I enjoy talking to people
As much as I enjoy talking to people and as much as I enjoy hanging out with my close family and friends, I definitely tend to prefer my time alone because I'm very selfish
about my own schedule and routine. Like, I have certain things in my day
that I need to get done,
or else I am not a good person.
For example, like I need to exercise every day,
and I need to, well not every day,
but like do something kind of active every day.
I like to have the time and freedom
to get my work done at my leisure. Stuff like that.
And so because of that and because of the fact that I enjoy being alone anyway, I do end up
spending a lot of time alone and I do tend to lean towards that. Like, if I have a choice, I'll usually choose to be alone,
which is good for my productivity,
but bad because I think that I can get lonely
without even realizing it.
Like, I'll accidentally end up being alone for a week straight
and then I'll be like, oh fuck,
I have not seen anybody this week.
And even though I'm an only child and I'm used to being alone and I'm comfortable with
being alone, as a human being you still need to have social interaction.
Like you have to have balance.
And I think that I tend to overdo it sometimes and I'll spend too much time alone.
And then it'll end up making me kind of sad, but I don't even realize that it's happening when it's happening.
And then I'll be like, okay, I need to plan like a dinner with my friends
or plan a barbecue or something,
because I've just been alone for too long.
And it's starting to make me subconsciously a little bummed out.
So I would say that this first point is true.
So, off to a good start. Second
trait of only children is that they're more sensitive. Having a sibling to take
jabs at you throughout your childhood can give anyone a thicker skin. However,
for many only children that lack of playful teasing means that they're a bit
more sensitive as adults.
You know, I would disagree with this one because I don't think that I'm any more sensitive
when it comes to playful jabs and stuff like that than the next guy.
I would say I'm sensitive in other ways.
Like I would say I'm sensitive in a sense where I'm highly emotional.
And I cry a lot and I take things really deep to heart
and stuff like that.
When it comes to like playful banter
and like people giving me a hard time,
I would say I'm pretty good at handling that.
For whatever reason,
I don't think that being an only child
has made me a pussy in the sense where somebody,
makes fun of something that I'm wearing
or something as a joke and I get really upset.
I feel like I'm pretty good about that.
I don't think that I'm super sensitive there.
But in general, I'm sensitive.
If that makes sense, like,
more on a personal basis, less than on a social basis.
I would say that I'm sensitive.
So I guess that I'm 50, 50 on this one.
But like, if somebody wants to pick on me playfully,
like, I'm not gonna be like,
hey, that's not nice.
Like, no, I actually enjoy that stuff most of the time.
So I'm on the fence with this one.
Third character, as you're given,
only child is that they won't ask you for help.
That coworker who would rather go back to school
to learn printer repair than ever call for help,
yeah, they're probably an only child.
In addition to learning independence at a young age,
only children learn how important self-sufficiency is,
meaning they're often unwilling to admit
that they need a hand.
Yes, this is actually very true.
I will ruin my own life
if it means that I don't have to ask for help, I hate asking for help.
All of my friends could tell you this, like, I rarely ever, if ever, ask for help.
If I need a ride to the airport, if I need help moving, if I need help learning how to do something, I will never ask anyone for help.
I always force myself to figure it out on my own.
Like if I wanna learn how to do something new,
I will read a book about it,
I will go on the internet and look it up myself.
I'll figure it all out myself
because I hate asking for help.
I don't actually know why I behave like that.
I guess it's because I don't want to be a burden to anybody and I would rather just figure
it out on my own instead of using somebody else's time.
Because then I feel guilt.
If I use somebody else's time when I could have just handled it on my own,
I feel guilty about that.
I'm very conscious of my use of other people's time.
And I never want anybody to feel like
them helping me as a waste of time.
So instead I just don't ask for help.
So I would say that's very true.
Fourth trait of an only child, they need their alone time.
If that person you match with on Tinder
seemed like they were into you, but suddenly tells you
that they want to spend a few days alone,
don't necessarily sweat it.
For many only children learning to be alone
is such an integral part of their childhood
that they tend to crave solo time as adults too.
For sure, like after a weekend of hanging out with friends, I'm ready to be alone. For sure. Like, after a weekend of hanging out with friends, I'm ready to be
alone. For sure. And I definitely need time to recharge. Possibly more than my close
friends, some of my friends are the same way, even though they're not only children, but I would say that like my social battery,
I feel like it's drained pretty quickly, possibly quicker than other people.
And I need to be by myself and reflect and think and recharge and do things for me and
get my energy back.
I would say for sure.
But in the same breath, if I spend too much time alone,
I get to a point where I need social interaction.
Like I'm not somebody who could spend two months
in solitary confinement and be fine.
By no means is that true.
It's a balance, you know what I mean?
But I definitely prioritize my alone time. I would say that that is that true. It's like a balance, you know what I mean? But I definitely prioritize my alone time.
I would say that that's very true.
Fifth trait of only children is that they're overachievers.
With the extra parental attention
that often a company is being raised as an only child
comes one significant benefit,
some overachieving tendencies.
Many only children keep aiming high in adulthood
to regain that high that they got from parental praises
a kid.
I would agree with this.
I would say I am definitely kind of
an overachiever and perfectionist,
which I don't hate about myself.
It does make my life a living hell sometimes
and most of the time, but I would say,
it's worth it for me because you know what, I'm wired this way, I can't turn it off so might as well accept it.
But I don't think that it has to do with being an only child because my parents
never put any pressure on me to get good grades or do any crazy extra curricular stuff
or to be in any crazy sports.
I never had that pressure.
My parents were always really chill.
I think that that's just how I am wired naturally.
I don't think that has anything to do with me being
an only child, but yet it is true.
So I guess, maybe my only childness has something to do with the fact that I am a perfectionist and an overachiever. Who knows?
But, yeah.
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Next, only children are wise beyond their years.
Growing up without a peer at home,
but with a lot of adult influence,
can have a major effect on an individual's personality.
It makes them wise beyond their years.
Both kids and adults can have an old soul personality
that might be the result of spending more time with grown-ups than with kids in their youth.
This is true.
Like this is very true, and I feel like they forgot to mention a part of being, quote unquote, wise beyond your years, which is that I genuinely get
along with adults better than I get along with kids.
And that has been tough for me.
Like, as, you know, maybe nice as it may sound to be mature.
I have always struggled with connecting with people
that are my age because I've just simply
spent so much time with adults.
And to this day, I talk to adults equally as much
as I talk to people my own age,
whether it's my parents or even my team
that I work with on my work.
I talk to adults equally as much,
if not even a little bit more than I talk to kids,
or people my age, and I feel like I get along
with adults better, but that makes me feel isolated sometimes.
Because I'll go to a social event, I'll go to a party,
and I'll try to connect deeply with people my age.
And I find that it doesn't work.
And I don't know why that is, but it's very rare
that I'll find somebody my age that I fully connect with.
And I don't really have an explanation for it,
but I can say that I do think that that has to do
with me being an only child.
And it has its benefits because getting along with adults
and being maybe a little bit more mature in a sense
can help get you far in some areas,
but it can also make you feel really isolated.
And I have felt really isolated
because of this trait, and I would say it's very true.
So moving on, next, only children know how to keep themselves
amused.
If you have that one friend who seems
to know how to find endless ways to amuse themselves
in any situation, odds are that they are an only child.
In fact, researchers at Middle Tennessee State University
found that only children are particularly good at finding ways
to keep themselves occupied, whether that means playing solo
or creating imaginary friends.
I would say that this was pretty true.
Like, as a kid, I don't think I was ever bored,
even though I was an only child.
I was never bored.
I was always doing weird fucking shit, like whether that was, you know, experimenting with makeup
or finding weird documentaries on YouTube
at like a nine year old or making weird things,
like I used to like make weird things
like at a duct tape and stuff like that.
I don't know, I don't think I was ever bored as a kid.
And so I would say that I was probably pretty good at entertaining myself as a kid.
But as an adult, like, I definitely get bored sometimes.
And sometimes I'm like, yeah, it would be nice to like go to the beach with friends right
now. I'd rather do that than go by myself.
Like, I think in my older years, I've gotten to a place where I do
get bored more often. I would say that I'm less prone to use my imagination as an adult
to entertain myself, which as a kid I was very good at. But I would say that in general
I'm pretty good at entertaining myself. So I would say that this is pretty much true.
Number eight, only children hate to admit that when they're wrong.
While kids with siblings often have someone else to pass the blame on to, only children
have no such luck.
And as often, they're unwilling to admit they're wrong doing even in adulthood, knowing that
any blame will fall squarely on their shoulders. Oh, okay, this is interesting because initially I would say that I disagree.
Like, I'm fully okay with admitting when I'm wrong.
Like, if I hurt somebody's feelings or if I do something wrong and they come to me and they tell me,
hey, you did something wrong, here's what it is.
I enjoy the path of least resistance.
I don't like arguing with people and I just want everything to be fun and easy going.
So I'm always willing to admit my faults.
Point blank.
But this did mention that only children, even in their adulthood, feel like all blame will fall squarely on their
shoulders.
And that's very true.
Because I wasn't only child, I felt like I could get away with nothing.
And my parents were so hyper aware of everything that I was doing that any time I would even
remotely mess up fuck up and anyway my parents were on it and they were confronting me about
it.
Whereas they feel like kids who have siblings get to share that blame maybe a little bit
more and it's less all on them.
Whereas for me like all the blame is on me.
I think that as an adult, that's caused paranoia for me
and almost this sense of wanting to be perfect
and never fuck up because I grew up
knowing that I could get away with absolutely nothing
without being confronted by my parents, which is a great thing.
Don't get me wrong, that's not a bad thing.
But I think that my brain has taken it to maybe an unhealthy level where now I'm constantly
anxious about fucking up, in a sense, or like doing something wrong because I don't want to get
confronted but I feel like I'm always on the verge of getting confronted even
like even if somebody misconstrues something that I said or did like I'm always
paranoid about being confronted because I didn't get away with shit growing up,
which I don't know, I don't know if that's a good thing
or a bad thing.
Next point is that only children
are very close with their parents.
This is very true.
And this can be a good or a bad thing
because I'm very close to my parents
and they are like my best friends, you know what I mean?
Like they've been, like I've been extremely close
with them since day one.
And in a sense, they were the closest thing I had to siblings.
Like, you know, they would play Barbies and Legos with me.
And they would watch movies with me.
Like they were like my siblings almost, which made me double close to them.
And that's a good thing because, you know, I'm grateful for my relationship with my parents.
It's very close.
But on the other hand, it's actually kind of emotionally taxing because my parents are
so sacred to me that I put a lot more weight on my relationship with my parents than some
of my peers do.
And I worry about them a lot more.
And that's miserable.
Like, I constantly am worrying about my parents
because they're like the only family I really have.
And that's scary because there's only two of them
and they are one of one.
You know what I mean?
My closeness to them is amazing,
but it also comes with a lot of fear
and a lot of anxiety and a lot of
protectiveness almost over them.
Next point, only children are not great at sharing.
While many of the trades associated with only children
are unfounded,
their rumored unwillingness to share may have some truth to it. Researchers in
China have actually discovered differences in the brains of only children and
those with siblings. The former being less agreeable than those who grew up with
other kids in the family. One of the negatives is not learning how to share
if parents don't ensure that. This developmental process happens.
I would say that this is true to a certain extent,
especially when I was younger,
like if I would come to school
and I would have a new pack of erasers
and one of my friends would ask me for one,
the answer was no.
The answer was absolutely not.
I really hated sharing growing up.
I think it was because I really like taking care
of my things and I really cherished my things.
So sharing them like bothered me.
And I always felt like people should just
go get their own stuff, you know?
So I would say that that's relatively true.
But when it comes to like eating at a restaurant
and somebody wanting to buy to my food
or somebody wanting to borrow my clothes nowadays,
I feel like I've relaxed a lot, you know?
But even deep down though,
I still get a little bit irritated occasionally.
Like if somebody wants to borrow my clothes
or you know, borrow my makeup or like whatever,
borrow my things.
Like I do tend to get a little bit irritated,
but I think that I've gotten better
at being like Emma, you need to share.
You know what I mean?
Like you do need to share.
Like you can't be an asshole, you know?
So luckily with my maturity,
I've like gotten better about it, but I do think that this is actually true. At
first I thought it wasn't true, but I actually agree, I'm not great at sharing, I'm to be honest.
Next, only children are not good at compromising. Now, let me do some self-reflection here. Let me
think about a scenario where there need to be compromise.
Let's say that I want to see a movie,
but my friend wants to go to the beach.
A compromise would be that instead we go to dinner.
I would say I'm pretty chill about that.
I mean, when it comes to like doing activities
with other people, I just want everybody to be happy
so that whatever activity we do is fun.
So I'm generally willing to compromise in order to make everybody happy.
Although before I'm even likely to compromise, I'm more likely to just settle and just agree because I just, again, want
the path of least resistance and I want everybody to be happy.
So I would not say that this point is true.
I would say I'm pretty good at compromising and so that point is not valid.
Next, they tend to think outside of the box.
You know, it's funny that this is on the list because recently I've been struggling with thinking outside of the box. You know, it's funny that this is on the list
because recently I've been struggling
with thinking outside of the box.
I found in the past I've been okay at it,
but in my recent years,
like I feel like I'm on autopilot to a point
where I don't really think outside of the box
as much as I wish I did.
So I would say that this isn't necessarily true
because I have to force myself to think outside
of the box sometimes.
And it doesn't always come really naturally to me.
Sometimes it does, but like definitely sometimes it doesn't.
So I would say this is not true.
Next, only children need a lot of affirmation.
Only children need a lot of complimentsation. Only children need a lot of compliments.
Yeah, that is very true.
Like when I'm in a relationship,
I need somebody to tell me
that I'm the most perfect human being on the planet
every day or else I feel terrible.
That's kind of a joke, but like kind of not.
Like I need constant reassurance in affirmation
and compliments, not necessarily compliments,
more like reassurance in affirmations.
Compliments are nice, but like they're not as necessary.
Like I don't need that.
But I constantly need to be reassured
that people care about me, that they love me,
that I'm pleasant to be around.
Like I definitely need that a lot.
According to this article,
because only children received so much praise
directly from their parents, they need that
also as adults in their everyday life
because they're used to it.
They're used to getting praised and congratulated
and reassured and affirmed often.
Somebody said it takes them a bit longer to warm up
and only children have a hard time making friends.
I disagree.
I've never had a hard time really making friends or warming up to people.
My problem is forming meaningful connections.
Like I may have no problem making friends.
Initially, my problem arises when it comes to keeping the relationship going.
You know what I mean?
And like maintaining a good relationship.
That is when I struggle.
Because I tend to be very picky with who I'm friends with.
And if I'm not vibing with it, like I'm gone.
You know what I mean?
Like I will fucking disappear.
Which I don't know if that's a good or bad thing,
but I think it's because I'm, again,
independent to a fault because I'm an only child,
and I don't feel like I need anybody,
so because of that, I just will see myself out
of a friendship that's not serving me.
Possibly too quickly and possibly too easily.
But I do disagree with the point that only children struggle to make friends because when
it comes to making friends, like the actual act of like creating a new friendship, starting
a new friendship, that's like easy for me. It's a matter of whether or not I want to pursue
it. That's where I struggle.
Last but not least, they're highly success oriented. Okay, we already talked about this.
I would say this is definitely true. I mean, I've always been very obsessed with succeeding.
You know, like even though the pressure didn't come from my parents, it came from me. I was
still always very obsessed with succeeding.
I always wanted to go to a good college.
I always wanted to get a job that paid really well.
I always wanted to be successful.
I don't know why that is.
I think it might be because the only person I was competing against was myself.
That doesn't really give you
a baseline.
You know what I mean?
Let's say you have a sibling who ended up being a nurse and you're in college and you're
like, I want to be better than my sister.
I want to have a better job than my sister.
Then you might go and get your PhD and be a doctor.
You know what I'm saying?
That gives you like a set goal.
You're like, I want to have a better job than my sibling.
I don't know if that's how that shit works,
but like that's just an example.
Whereas for me, like my goal was just like being
as successful as possible with no limit.
You know what I mean?
Because I just didn't have anything to compare it to.
Like, I didn't have anybody to go off of. I was competing with just limit. You know what I mean? Because I just didn't have anything to compare it to. Like, I didn't have anybody to go off of.
I was competing with just me.
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the moral of the story is that there are definitely some traits that you
inevitably get from being an only child. I don't think that they're necessarily always negative.
I think that they can be negative,
but I think that there's definitely negative things
that come from having siblings.
And I think at the end of the day,
it's all very individual.
And honestly looking at this article
and kind of analyzing it myself,
put a lot of things into perspective for me because I am always thinking about my future and when I have kids
and stuff like that.
And I always ask myself how many kids I want to have.
And I was always torn between having multiple kids so that I could, in a sense, experience
what siblings is like because I never had my own siblings.
So I would give my kids siblings
so that I could experience that in a family dynamic
because I've never experienced it.
But then I've also considered, you know,
just having one kid and stopping there
because my personal experience being an only child,
I think was pretty good.
Like I wouldn't want it any other way.
And so, is there really a helicopter?
Like can you guys hear that?
I hope you can hear that, whatever.
There's a helicopter above my home right now.
I'm like trying to remember if I broke a law
within the past 48 hours.
It's like a police helicopter, I'm scared.
Okay, anyway.
They're here to get me. But no, I think that you can't really go wrong. I think that at the end of the day,
you know, your circumstances, what you make of it, and there are so many factors that like
being an only child or not being an only child is just a small part of what makes you
you, you know, whether or not you have siblings.
It's a very minute detail of your personality and your development.
But anyway, let's answer some questions.
You guys tweeted me at the Twitter on the Twitter at AG podcast.
Some questions about being an only child and I'm going to answer them. And you can follow the Twitter at AG podcast if you'd like to participate in further episodes.
Somebody said, were you jealous of other kids because they had siblings and you didn't?
I definitely was jealous occasionally of people who had siblings, especially people who had
older siblings because I always felt like people who had older
siblings had more connections.
Like for example, when they'd get into high school, all the teachers already knew the kids
that had older siblings.
And kids who have older siblings are always thought of as cooler, I feel like.
So I definitely felt like I was missing out in that area, but when it came to my family
life, I never wanted siblings.
Actually, I was repulsed by the thought of having a sibling.
Like, I was so glad that I didn't have a sibling because I liked having my parents full attention
and like, I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
I think more socially, like at school,
that's when I wish I had an older sibling.
But again, like no regrets, in retrospect,
I'm glad I don't have siblings.
I wouldn't be the same person, you know?
Somebody said, as an only child,
who would you go to for advice?
Always my parents.
And I think that that's what made my relationship
to my parents so close was that they were the only people
I had to go to for advice.
And it made our relationship so much closer
and it made our relationship a lot more open.
And for that, I'm very grateful because I think that
it's kind of rare for kids to go to their parents and tell them everything.
And I've always been somebody who did that and I'm very grateful for that.
Somebody said, knowing what you know about being an only child, do you think that you will have an only child or have multiple kids?
So I know I just talked about that literally 30 seconds ago, but here's my dilemma.
Like I'll be brutally honest.
I want to have an only child because I had such a great experience with it.
I had such a great bond with my parents.
And I just think that it was great.
You know what I mean?
It was great.
But at the same time, I'm scared of only having one child
because I'm scared of only having one child
and then something happening to that one child.
Like this is so morbid, but like them dying or something.
And then I'd be left with no kids.
Like, that's the reason why I wanna have
potentially multiple kids is because
not only would it be interesting and an eye opening
experience to witness how the sibling
dynamic works.
But I also want to have a big family and have a lot of people around me and like have that
be kind of guaranteed because family when you're in your 30s and 40s
is like the most important thing.
Actually, I would say from the time that you're like 40
till the time that you die, I think that family
is like one of the most important things you have
because you're not social as much anymore,
you're not partying at school and all that stuff.
You're priority shift to family,
I feel like when you're older.
Whatever family may mean for you,
it's very different for everybody,
but I feel like I wanna have a big family
because I want to ensure that I have people around me
for the rest of my life and a lot of people,
you know what I mean?
I wanna have a decent sized family,
and I don't have siblings,
so I kinda have to make up for lost time
by having extra kids.
I feel like the happy medium would be
to have like two or three kids. I think
three might be too much. I think two kids is perfect. So maybe three, but maybe two. I
don't know. But who knows? It might come down to it. Am I just have one kid and be like,
I'm done. And that might be enough, you know, but I don't know it. I'm so young, I don't
need to know right now.
Do you think the being an only child was harder because you had divorced parents?
I would say, no.
Well, yes, I would say yes and no.
Yes, because I had nobody to relate to
over the heartbreak of a divorce.
I was kind of alone in that front, but I would
say that after the divorce was like fully over and everything was kind of settled, I don't
think it was harder because I got a lot of one-on-one time with both of my parents. And
that was really special. And I think that
was great. And I think that that actually made my childhood, in a sense, easier because
I had so much one-on-one time with my parents. Not, I mean, I think that there were definitely
some hard parts about it, but I would say that overall, like, the only part about it that
was ruthless was that when it was happening and in the midst of it,
I didn't have anybody that was going through the exact same thing as me.
Like my parents were, yes, going through a divorce with me, but they were dealing with
a totally different side of it than I was.
I didn't have a sibling that was in the exact same position as me, dealing with the exact
same situation, and I think that was in the exact same position as me, dealing with the exact same situation. And I think that was tough.
Somebody said, do you think there's a lot more pressure to be successful when you're an
only child rather than when you have siblings?
I thought about this even more because I know we kind of touched on this earlier, but I thought
about this even more.
And I actually think that I personally had less pressure on me because there was no sibling to compare to.
You know what I'm saying?
So like any accomplishment was exciting to my parents
and they didn't really have any expectation
because I was their only child.
So I was lucky in that area,
but I do think that some only children feel pressure
to be
uber successful because they are their parents only chance at having a successful child.
So I think it can go both ways, but I would say for me personally, I didn't experience
that because instead my parents were looking at it, you know, like, well, you know, this
is, this is our only kid we We have nothing to compare it to.
Like she's doing good enough.
Conversation over, you know what I mean?
Anyway, I think it's safe to say
that only children are definitely a unique breed,
but they're not that much different, okay?
So don't be afraid of only children.
We don't bite.
Trust me, we're not that bad. Okay, so don't be afraid of only children. We don't bite, trust me.
We're not that bad.
We're not that weird either, I don't think.
But maybe just don't ask us to borrow our clothes.
That's the takeaway from this episode.
Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it.
I hope you found it relatively interesting.
If you enjoyed it, give anything goes
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I hope you have an amazing rest of your week.
I love you all and I will see you around by...
and I will see you around.
Bye.