anything goes with emma chamberlain - hookup culture [video]

Episode Date: December 3, 2023

[video available on spotify] i spent the last few years peacefully unbothered by hookup culture. why? because it was none of my business. i was in a relationship and hookup culture is for the singles.... but it's back on my mind because these days i'm back to being a lone wolf. and with that comes hookup culture being relevant in my life. i wanted to reexamine the concept with a fresh lens. so, you know what? i dabbled a little bit, and i wanna share what i found because i came out of it with some solid conclusions. so let's discuss the pros and cons of casual hookups. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:00:00 I spent the last few years peacefully unbothered by hookup culture. Why? Because it was none of my business. Okay, I was in a relationship. Hookup culture is for the singles. I would occasionally think about hookup culture because, you know, I live in a culture that enjoys a hookup, but for the most part, it was out of my mind. And it was kind of incredible, to be honest, because I've never been somebody who thrives in a casual hookup scenario. It's just not for me. And some of you might be thinking, Emma, you're trying to say,
Starting point is 00:00:38 you're not like other girls. You're different. You're more emotional. That's why you don't like You're different. You're more emotional. That's why you don't like hookups. No, it's not that. It's because I tend to be nervous and uncomfortable during it and afterwards I tend to feel some sort of pain and the pain varies, you know the source of the pain varies but of pain. And the pain varies, you know, the source of the pain varies, but every time there's been some sort of pain. So that's why I don't thrive in that scenario on the surface level. But it's
Starting point is 00:01:11 back on my mind, okay, because these days I'm back to being a lone wolf, okay, I'm back to being a free agent. And with that comes hookup culture being relevant in my life. You probably know what hookup culture is, but just in case you don't, let me throw a definition at you. Hookup culture is one that accepts and encourages casual sex encounters, including one night stands and other related activity, without necessarily including emotional intimacy, bonding, or a committed relationship. This episode is brought to you by Bumble. You know, it's really hot, kindness.
Starting point is 00:01:52 And I'm not talking about the big stuff, like buying a super expensive gift. I'm talking about the little moments, like when they buy you flowers, just because, or check to make sure that you got home okay, or when they treat you to your favorite drink because they saw that you were having a rough day, and you don't even have to say anything, they just do it. That kind of thoughtfulness immediately makes them more attractive. Kindness is sexy. Find it on Bumble. This episode is brought to you by Hey You, the streaming home of Reality TV.
Starting point is 00:02:28 Hey You gives you access to every episode of all your favourite reality TV franchises, the same day as the US, the real housewives, van der Pum rules, below deck, southern charm, summer house and so many more. Get your daily dose of drama. Try it for free today at Hey You.com. Teason sees apply. Now listen, I'm 22 right now. I'm pretty young. I grew up in hookup culture. In high school and even middle school, it was all about the hookups, you know. Anytime there was an event where no parents were going to be there, it was like, who's hookin' up with you? It was how you showed that you were cool.
Starting point is 00:03:12 It was how you found a little boost of confidence. Hooking up was all the rage. Unfortunately, from me, my exposure to casual hookups was genuinely traumatic. Okay. It started with my first kiss. My first kiss was terrible for me. I was not ready emotionally to be kissing boys. I was not confident in myself. I was really, really frightened of any type of romance.
Starting point is 00:03:44 And I weirdly felt like I was too young. But everybody around me was doing it. And so I set myself up to have my first kiss and I did it. And in the moment, I felt very detached, very scared, very uncomfortable. This was a kid that I met that night, okay? In the entire time, I felt very emotionally removed from it. And I remember the next day I cried,
Starting point is 00:04:13 I cried, because it just felt so wrong to me, it felt so icky to me. And for the rest of high school, I continued to have casual hookups. All of them were very innocent. Just a little make-out. Okay, no sex yet, but at the time, a little make-out carried a lot of emotional weight for me. Now, not as much. Back then, it was almost like having sex for me mentally. It was so significant. having sex for me mentally. It was so significant, you know? Almost every experience was terrible. Okay, I remember I made out with one guy at a concert and later I found out he didn't even really want to. His friends were just like, dude, go make out with her, dude, go make out with her. And I found out he just didn't even like me at all. Meanwhile, I really liked him, so that fucking sucked. Another time, I had a huge crush on the sky
Starting point is 00:05:10 and we're at a beach bonfire and we make out and I was really awkward for some reason. I was too nervous. I was too nervous because I had such a big crush on him and I was just being weird. Like I was tense, I remember. And he just got weirded out by me because he was like this hot cool guy.
Starting point is 00:05:26 And he was like, why is she stiff as a board? What's she so nervous about? Fuck this girl. I'm gonna go make out with someone else. And he just looked at me weird in the middle of it and then walked away and then told everybody that I was the worst kisser, and it was terrible. Oh, that was terrible, it was terrible. It was terrible. So it's safe to say that my experience has been rocky from the start. When I left high school and I moved to LA,
Starting point is 00:05:58 I then started dating, okay? And I started dating pretty much immediately. And I've sort of been a serial data Ever since I moved here when I look back at the past Four or five years. I've kind of just been in relationships. It's like I'm in a relationship It ends I heal. I find another one. It ends. I heal. I find another one. It ends. I heal. I find another one there's been very short chunks of time in between each. And so I haven't really had a lot of time to participate in hook up culture. And I think that that was sort of intentional because
Starting point is 00:06:41 my experience in high school was so bad that I was like, okay, I'm not into this. Like this doesn't work for me. I don't like this. So instead of using my single time to hook up with random people, I'm gonna use my single time to find my next boyfriend. In retrospect, I think I had it all wrong, right? I think I should have been using my single time to focus on myself a little bit more, but no regrets. Okay, so in between the boyfriends I've had, I've had such a short amount of time that I've only had time for one and a half. Okay, one and a half casual hook-up experiences. I've only had time for one and a half.
Starting point is 00:07:25 Not even two, one and a half. And those happened approximately four years ago, okay? I remember at the time, I just wanted to see what it would be like because my entire life I had heard all of these positive reviews about casual hookups. Oh, it's so fun. Oh, it's so fun. Oh, it's so exciting.
Starting point is 00:07:47 This isn't that. And I felt sort of left out. On top of that, though, I think I was still recovering from being sort of rejected by a few guys that I had dated. And that was weighing heavily on my confidence and I was like, you know, maybe hooking up with guys casually could give me a little confidence boost without actually having to commit to them. You know, it's like I can get this little confidence boost while I wait for somebody that I can actually date long term. And so, you know, I gave it a try one and a half times.
Starting point is 00:08:27 And the experience was okay, you know, it was fun. It wasn't bad, like it wasn't bad, but I remember in the moment feeling like it was definitely weird, like it felt so empty. And that was sort of unsettling to me. Like, I would have sex casually and then I'd be like, okay, I need to leave. You know, like, okay, now I can't be around this person anymore. And that felt so wrong to me
Starting point is 00:08:57 because sex is such an intimate thing. And I felt sort of guilty about wanting to get as far away from the person afterwards as I possibly could. I also felt really uneasy about how weird it is to be strangers with somebody and then to all of a sudden be almost playing pretend like we're dating for like an hour and then just go back to be strangers again. Like that was so weird. It almost felt like playing a game. You know, in the moment it can be sort of enjoyable, but I always had it in the back of my head that it felt off. You know, it felt really off to me. And you know, I ended up regretting my very
Starting point is 00:09:46 short list of casual hookups after the fact because I wasn't proud of the fact that I went into it looking to find confidence. I didn't feel good about the fact that I didn't really like the person I had sex with and they didn't really like me. And the whole thing just sort of felt icky to me. And I had this weird feeling of regret where I was like, now in their mind, they've seen a side of me that very few people have seen. And I don't know if they deserve that. And that has nothing to do with them as a person. But I went through this phase where I really wanted to get that back from them. Like I almost feel like I gave
Starting point is 00:10:29 them something, which I don't think is necessarily true. But it was really bothering me that they got to see a side of me that is really sacred. And it just bothered me. I went through years of regret. And a lot of you might be like, I'm a what is wrong with you, UGramma? Like literally people have sex with like 50 people a year and don't blink an eye, like what's wrong with you? I don't know.
Starting point is 00:10:59 This is just me. This is just how I psychologically react to casual hookups. Okay, so now let's fast forward to now. Okay, I'm back to being alone wolf. The concept of hookup culture is back on my mind. And shockingly, I went into it with an open mind. You know, I wanted to re-examine the concept. Yes, my past experiences have been terrible
Starting point is 00:11:27 as I just displayed for you, but I'm a very different person now, okay? I'm much more confident. I'm also not desperate for validation from sexual partners as much as I used to. I really had an issue with that when I was younger. And I just have so much more life experience. So I was like, okay, let's re-examine this with a brand new lens. Let's try this again with an open mind. And see if it's something that
Starting point is 00:12:00 can work when you're a little bit older, you know. And so, you know what? I dabbled. Okay, I dabbled a little bit and I want to share what I found because I feel like I went into it with a really fresh lens and I came out of it with some solid conclusions. Now, I want to say, these are conclusions for me, okay? These are not conclusions for you. Everybody is so different, okay? What works for you might not work for me, what works for me might not work for you. This episode is brought to you by Hey You, the streaming home of Reality TV. Hey You gives you access to every episode of all your favourite reality TV franchises. The same day as the US. The real housewives.
Starting point is 00:12:51 Van der Pum rules. Below deck. Southern charm. Summer house. And so many more. Get your daily dose of drama. Try it for free today at www.hangingu.com. Teas and seas apply.
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Starting point is 00:13:49 So diving to the savings with your travel agent, tap the banner or visit this episode's page to learn more. So let's discuss the pros and cons of casual hookups. Let's start with the pros. Okay, we're starting out positive. Okay, there's only one pro. There's not a lot. It is pretty incredible to be able to develop your independence and enjoy singlehood while still getting to enjoy sex. Being single can be so magical. You can put all of your effort into developing yourself, building a life that you love, making friends that are magical. You're not blinded
Starting point is 00:14:38 by being in love. You're not blinded by an illusion of love. You're not blinded by anything. You're in this shit for you. But of course, we love intimacy. And I think the idea that we can have both is gorgeous. And I think there are maybe times when it works. Personally, I've yet to find a way to make it net positive, but I can imagine that there are some people out there who have found a way. And that leads me to the cons of the casual hookup, okay? I already know him to sound like a grandma, so just listen, I'm not, I'm down to, like, be random, fuck whoever, don't care.
Starting point is 00:15:30 I'm down to do that. That sounds so fun, but I've yet to find a way to do it where it doesn't come out of cost. Like, I don't want to be a grandma. I want to come on here and be like, listen you guys. So I can't stop hooking up with everyone. I can't stop. I'm obsessed. I've never been, I can't stop hooking up with everyone. I can't stop. I'm obsessed I'm I've never been that I fought. I'm fuck I can't stop. I'm having so much sex. I
Starting point is 00:15:50 Can't stop you guys. I'm having sex with everybody. I meet it is so fun Wow like no one Has as much game as me nope. No, no No because I win. I'd love to come on here and say that. I would love to. But unfortunately, I'm coming on here like a grandma talking about why I've found casual hookups aren't the best. I'm on grandma mode today. Sorry. Okay. So let's discuss the cons. I already sort of touched on this, but it's just weird. It's just weird. Inevitably when you're casually hooking up with somebody, you're not that close. Okay. You're not that close. There are times when you know, you maybe have like a fuck buddy or something and
Starting point is 00:16:48 You kind of become close, but I'd argue in a lot of ways that sort of becomes a romantic relationship You know what I mean? Yeah, nobody wants to put a label on it, but I don't know. I consider that more of a relationship when it's continuous I'm talking about a casual random hookup. I'm talking about like a one night stand vibe or maybe a three night stand vibe. You know what I mean? A lot of times you really don't know each other. You don't have a foundation of friendship.
Starting point is 00:17:20 You don't know each other. And you're literally having sex and you're pretending like you're dating for a brief period of time and then you're back to strangers again. And for that brief period of time, when you are sort of pretending like you're in a relationship in a weird way, you can feel detached,
Starting point is 00:17:41 like emotionally detached. That's my experience anyway. detached, like emotionally detached. That's my experience anyway. And I think the reason why I subconsciously detach is because I'm uncomfortable. I'm nervous. I'm a little weirded out. I'm like, yeah, I wanna be here.
Starting point is 00:17:58 I'm doing this because I wanna do it, but I don't know you like that. I don't know you like that. Who are you? You're touching me like we've been dating for like six years and I don't know you. That's a crazy concept to me. Like when I'm in that moment, I'm like,
Starting point is 00:18:15 ah, I don't like who are you? Who am I? Who am I to you? You don't know me? I'm also like reciprocating this action. Like I've known you for six years and I don't know you. It's so bizarre. It's so bizarre to me. It sort of gives me an existential crisis the next day because I'm like, wow, intimacy doesn't have to be built up over time. It can be fabricated in an instant, but it doesn't feel real.
Starting point is 00:18:49 You know, and maybe to some people it does, and that's something I've pondered a lot. For me personally, I feel detached. I feel weird. Maybe some people don't. Maybe some people can jump into intimacy immediately and not feel like it's fabricated. Maybe for them, it's not fabricated. Maybe that's one sided. Maybe that's only coming from my end.
Starting point is 00:19:13 But the whole thing just feels so whack when you're in it. You know what I mean? Next con, someone might want it to turn into something more. Okay, a lot of us go into a hook up like, okay, this is just for fun. Like, I don't need to see this person ever again. Like, this is just for fun. I found that a lot of times, one person ends up catching feelings a little bit,
Starting point is 00:19:42 ends up getting attached a little bit. Chances are one of you is going to get hurt. Yeah, there's the occasional instance where both people fall in love with each other through a one night stand, sure, but more often than not, one person gets attached and the other person wants nothing to do with the other person. And that leaves you with a situation where either you have to be an asshole or they have to be an asshole. And the reason why I say, asshole is because having sex with somebody is very vulnerable. It's very sacred to a lot of people and it always feels a little insensitive to cut someone off after you have sex with them. Now it's all fun and games when both of you never want to speak again afterwards or just
Starting point is 00:20:40 want to be friends afterwards or something. That's great, but that again normally doesn't happen in my experience one person wants to go on a date all of a sudden, you know and Someone's gonna have to be the asshole and cut it off and that just feels terrible on both ends If you're the one who has to be the asshole you feel terrible because because you're like, I went and had sex with this person. Now they like me. I feel terrible that this meant more to them than it meant to me. And I have no choice but to sort of cut them off. It hurts on the other side for even more obvious reasons because now you like
Starting point is 00:21:19 someone and they don't like you back. And when they don't like you back, it hurts 10 times worse when you were so vulnerable with them for a moment in time, it hurts 10 times worse. Next con, it can be tempting to really lean into hook up culture when you're going through a breakup because you're trying to move on from your ex. You're trying to get them out of your head, but unfortunately that tends to make it worse not always not always I Think short term it can be helpful short term. It's a distraction short term it
Starting point is 00:21:55 Sort of breaks the cycle with the last person and It can sort of be the sign of a new chapter, right? But long term I think it actually makes it worse. This is not to say that like, you can't go and hook up with people after a breakup because it's like, okay, obviously you have to do that eventually. But at times, people seek out casual hookups
Starting point is 00:22:20 to try to get over an X as quickly as possible, and that's when it's a problem. You know, when you go and you start hooking up with people too soon, I think it can be a problem because in the moment, it's a distraction. If you're lucky, it might actually be a really great experience. But when you're going through a breakup, the emptiness that you might feel will only go away temporarily during a hookup. The emptiness that you feel comes back. And in my experience, it comes back 10 times worse. I'm not exactly sure why this is.
Starting point is 00:22:57 Maybe it's because you expect to feel better after you hook up with somebody. You expect the emptiness to go away. And when it comes back, not only are you feeling the emptiness again, but now you're also feeling the disappointment that the casual hookup didn't fix your problem like you thought it would. I also think that a lot of times we start hooking up with new random people and without even meaning to, we start comparing them to our ex if we're going through a breakup. And inevitably, it's not going to be good because it's inevitable that when comparing your ex to a random hookup, your ex is going to look better a lot of times because you actually had a relationship with your ex.
Starting point is 00:23:53 You actually had an emotional bond with this random person. You have nothing. You might even have better sexual chemistry with this new person, but you don't have memories with this random hookup person. You don't have history with them. Your ex will almost always come out on top when you compare the two. That's why I think it's such a nasty, nasty cycle when you go through a breakup.
Starting point is 00:24:15 It's like, you go through a breakup and you want to go and distract yourself and just start getting out there. So you start hooking up with people. Oh, let me just get it over with. And then it ends up making you miss your ex more over time because you're trying to put a bandaid on an open wound and you need to get stitches.
Starting point is 00:24:35 And the only way that you can get stitches is by having some time alone and rebuilding your confidence and your sense of self again until you feel strong enough to go back out there and really hit the town in a strong way. Another thing I hate about a hook up is that it's so hard to do that without alcohol. I've never once not been at least pretty bust. Why? Because you don't know what to talk to them about. It's awkward. It's uncomfortable. You don't know what to expect. Now this doesn't apply to everybody. I know some people are totally good, not drinking
Starting point is 00:25:22 in these types of scenarios. But I know a lot of people who need alcohol for this type of scenario and myself included. And in general in life, I don't like relying on alcohol to be able to do something. I used to feel like I needed to be drunk to go to a party. And so you know what I did? Took a step back for a second, rethought it, and said, I need to learn how to go and be social
Starting point is 00:25:49 without alcohol. So I stopped drinking, and I started being more smart about where I went out so that I didn't feel the pressure to drink. And then now I'm at a place where I can go to any party, and I don't feel the pressure to drink. I don't need to drink socially. I don't ever want to be in a situation where I feel like I have to be drunk to participate. And I've come such a long way socially and confidence wise that
Starting point is 00:26:19 at this point I feel like I should be able to do this without alcohol, but I still don't think I could. And that's assigned to me that I shouldn't be doing it. You know, if you need a substance to participate in an activity, there's some sort of growth that needs to be done. On top of that, it harms your self-esteem when you rely on alcohol. When you feel like you need alcohol to do something, it makes you feeling capable, which fucks with your self-esteem,
Starting point is 00:26:48 and that's not good for anyone. Next con, I don't think it's good to go out on a Friday night with friends, with the expectation of hooking up with someone. And it can be really easy to fall into that routine where it's like, okay, when I go out, I'm gonna hook up with someone. I'm gonna find somebody to hook up with. I'm going home with somebody tonight. It's happening.
Starting point is 00:27:12 And the problem is when you set these types of expectations, you end up wasting your whole night looking for somebody to hook up with. Instead of just living in the moment, okay, dancing with your friends, having a conversation with somebody who's just cool. Yeah, maybe you're not into them. You're not attracted to them. You wouldn't have sex with them, but they're just cool.
Starting point is 00:27:35 Maybe you're not entertaining those types of people. Because you're too busy looking around for someone to hook up with. Like spending the whole night scanning the room for a hottie is not fun. I'm sorry, it's not fun. I will admit, in my life, I have ruined some nights because I just wanted to find someone. And you just have so much less fun that way.
Starting point is 00:27:56 But also, I swear the universe knows when you're looking for somebody to hook up with because they never send someone your way on those evenings. Ever. The only time I've ever had luck has been when I've gone out and been like, I don't give a fuck tonight. I just want to have fun. That's all I care about. Having fun. I don't care about anything else. What what happens happens. I don't care. But what happens, happens, I don't care. Now this next one, I'm still chewing on it in my brain, but I am wondering if casual hookups sort of take the meaning away from sex.
Starting point is 00:28:39 As I mentioned earlier, casual hookups make me just detach. I just, I'm somewhat removed from it when I'm in it. And there is a bit of pretending going on because you don't know each other. You have to sort of pretend, like, you know what I mean? I feel like the more that sort of just becomes your brain's norm during sex, I don't know. I've noticed this in myself. It's like my casual
Starting point is 00:29:07 experiences have made more meaningful experiences less exciting. And I wonder if that's just me getting older and me just becoming more desensitized to sex because I've had more of it so then I just don't feel as explosive of emotions about it. But I don't know because I've talked to some people in my life, a lot of people in my life, in fact, about this. And a lot of people have agreed with me, like the more casual sex they've had, the more sex just feels meaningless to them. Maybe it loses its meaning because you're experiencing it with people who don't have meaning to you. You know, maybe that's why it sort of loses its novelty. This episode is brought to you by Airbnb. Let me tell you my favorite Airbnb story, okay?
Starting point is 00:30:10 It's a few years ago, and a big group of friends, and I decide we wanna go to Joshua Tree. Out in the desert of California, we just want to have a vibe weekend, okay? So we go on Airbnb and we find a beautiful home in the middle of Joshua Tree and we book it. What I loved so much about this trip was kind of being roommates with my friends for the weekend. And we all just got to play house. We cooked for ourselves, we cleaned up after ourselves, and we just had
Starting point is 00:30:46 a really good time. This house was phenomenal too. I mean, everybody got their own bedroom, everybody had their own private space. We had a private pool, a private hot tub. This house was so aesthetically beautiful that we were all just happy to be sitting in there and looking at it because it was just gorgeous. It was super private so we could all just be ourselves and hang out in the backyard and have fun and Truly be by ourselves in the desert. I have a lot of great Airbnb memories more to come This episode is brought to you by Starbucks make every moment a a little more magical this season, with a Starbucks red cup in your hands. Wrap yourself in the warmth of one of our familiar faves, like a peppermint mocha, a caramel
Starting point is 00:31:35 brule latte, or a chestnut praline latte. Share in the joy, and find your festive with the Starbucks app. Next con, I think at times it can get in the way of finding somebody who can be good for you long term. Listen, not all of us are looking for somebody to be with long term. But I mean, I would say I am, you know what I mean? Like ultimately my goal is to find somebody to be with long term. Not everyone has that goal. So I guess if you don't have that goal then this doesn't really apply. But it's very time consuming to find people to hook up with. Okay.
Starting point is 00:32:17 Maybe you're using Instagram, you're finding people on Instagram, maybe you're using a dating app, you're doing that. Maybe you're just bar hopping on Friday night, whatever you're using a dating app, you're doing that, maybe you're just bar hopping on Friday night, whatever you're doing, you're taking a lot of time to do it. And when you're searching with the intention of finding somebody to hook up with, you might miss somebody who could actually be a great long-term partner,
Starting point is 00:32:40 who just maybe doesn't have the vibe that they wanna hook up. Like, when you set an intention like, okay the vibe that they want to hook up. Like when you set an intention like, okay, I'm finding somebody to hook up with. You might miss the people in your peripheral who would be great to date. Now some might argue that there's overlap. Like the same people that you want to hook up with or the people that you want to date. Yeah, but that's kind of complicated too, because let's say you're overlapping, you know, you're choosing the same people
Starting point is 00:33:07 to hook up with that you would date. Okay, well, let's say you hook up with one of those people. And let's say you really start to have feelings for them. It can be kind of tough to backpedal and build a relationship backwards after starting everything out with sex, because ultimately a good romantic relationship is built on a foundation of friendship.
Starting point is 00:33:31 And I don't know, there's something sort of unnatural about going backwards and sort of building this friendship. When you already have this intimacy established, you sort of have to force yourself to go back and build this friendship now. On top of that, sexual chemistry can be blinding because you may think that you have this connection, this special connection with this person, but really you just have sexual chemistry and your friendship might not end up working out. So you might end up creating a dysfunctional relationship or just another failed relationship. There's
Starting point is 00:34:12 a lot of room for error when you have to backpedal and build a foundation when you've already had sex. In my opinion, in my experience as a grandma. Next con, sometimes we hook up with people that we really, really don't know. And if you're like me, that makes you anxious. Who the fuck is this person? Who is this? Who is this?
Starting point is 00:34:38 They don't know me well enough to be in my space like this. Yet, I'm letting them into this space. I invited them into this space. Yet they don't know me like that. Not only that, but are they lying to me? Do they have an active sexually transmitted infection? Are they cheating on their girlfriend? What's happening? You know, like, are they filming me right now?
Starting point is 00:35:02 You don't know. I like it. That's the other thing. When you're just kind of random with it. You have no idea who you're dealing with You just have no idea and that's frightening, okay? You're having a very very vulnerable moment that has health risks Safety risks Etc. And you don't even know who this fucking person is. It's ridiculous. And last but not least, okay, last con, you may be trying to boost your confidence
Starting point is 00:35:31 in the wrong way. Listen, we all just wanna feel hot, cool, special, attractive. We all wanna feel that. And nothing gives you a little boost to that more than sex. It's the highest form of flattery in some ways. You know, it's like, wow, this person is so attracted to me that they want to have sex with me.
Starting point is 00:36:00 Unfortunately, though, the little confidence boost that you get from a casual hookup is short-lived. Okay, it's very, very short-lived. Number one, because there's a chance that the person you had sex with doesn't actually respect you, doesn't actually care about you. And when you figure that out, it might make you feel 10 times worse than you did before. Because now you don't feel hot, cool, and special anymore.
Starting point is 00:36:27 And on top of that, you feel like you just got played, which makes you feel even worse about yourself. But also, there are times when you may choose somebody to have sex with that, you don't respect. And when you go and have sex with this person that you don't respect, when you look at yourself in the mirror the next day, you're like, wait a minute, why would I do that with somebody who I don't respect? Now I don't respect myself. Why did I stoop down to that level? That's not cool. That's not hot. You know, going into it for a confidence boost. It's just, it's not,
Starting point is 00:37:00 it's not going to work. And even if everything goes just as planned and you have sex and this person actually respects you, even though it's just a casual hookup, and maybe they even start to like you. And maybe you even like them back. If you're trying to find your confidence in something outside of yourself, it will always end in catastrophe. And on that note, I'm a grandma. I'm a grandma, you know, I'm celibate. No, I'm kidding. The funny thing about all of this
Starting point is 00:37:33 is that like I know that all of this is true. Like I'm giving you my findings, I'm showing you my findings. And yet I might go and contradict these things tomorrow. Like I don't trust myself. Like I don't know. Like even though I know all this is true, I still might go and do it again.
Starting point is 00:37:52 I might. But you know, that's what's fun about being in your 20s. You know that something doesn't benefit you. But you do it anyway because it's fun. It is fun. I don't know. I don't know. Here's the thing. Everyone's different.
Starting point is 00:38:11 Okay, I'm going to really nail this into your brain. Everyone's different. This is my experience. This is what I've found. You might have the opposite experience. You might be like, Emma, uh-uh. I love casual hookups. It works for me.
Starting point is 00:38:29 It's fun for me. I love it, and you're wrong. And guess what? That's totally fine, because none of us are wrong. We're all just different. I don't know. Let me know if you agree with me, though. I'm genuinely curious.
Starting point is 00:38:42 You can shoot me a DM on the anything goes Instagram at anything goes and let me know because I genuinely like I'm very curious because there's a lot of people in my life who agree with me about this. There are some people in my life who completely disagree with me on this. It's very split. I would say 70% agree with me, 30% completely disagree with me. And it's the whole thing is so fascinating to me. You know, because I wonder, like, why is it so different for people? You know, is it just personality?
Starting point is 00:39:17 One type of personality thrives in this environment. One doesn't. Is it the cumulative experiences that you've had throughout your life? Like, what is it? What? I don't know. I don't know. Anyway, that's all I have for today. Thank you all for listening and hanging out.
Starting point is 00:39:32 I hope that you enjoyed it. And if you did, new episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday, you can listen anywhere you stream podcasts, but video episodes are exclusive on Spotify. You can follow anything goes on Instagram, anything goes. You can follow me on Instagram at Emma Chamberlain. You can check out my coffee company, Chamberlaincoffee.com. We have coffee, we have tea.
Starting point is 00:39:54 We have lattes and a can. We have lots of stuff. You can order online or use the store locator and see if we're in a store near you. And I don't know, I guess I'll just talk to you soon. I can't believe I just talked about sex for so long considering so many people don't think that I have sex. It's like an urban legend that I don't have sex.
Starting point is 00:40:18 I actually get it, but it's also kind of like really, like, come on. Yes I do, obviously, obviously I do. And it's obvious that I do a lot too because I considered a half of a hookup, a hookup almost earlier in the episode. Okay, talk to you guys later. Love you guys. Talk to you later.
Starting point is 00:40:35 you

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