anything goes with emma chamberlain - should you leave them? advice session

Episode Date: April 21, 2024

welcome back to my advice session, where i give you advice about various dilemmas that you’ve sent me on instagram. today i’ve gathered various dilemmas that you’re all experiencing in regards to whether or not you should leave your partner. i empathize with this because it's one of the hardest decisions to make in life, whether or not you should leave someone. so without further ado, let's get into it. if you’re struggling with something right now and want my advice, send me a dm on the anything goes instagram page https://www.instagram.com/anythinggoes/?hl=en Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome back to Advice Session where I give you advice about various dilemmas that you all have sent me on Instagram at Anything Goes. You can choose to take or leave this advice. Today I gathered various dilemmas that you all are experiencing in regards to whether or not you should leave your partner. That was a reoccurring theme. And so that is the theme today. And I empathize with this because it's one of the hardest decisions to make in life,

whether or not you should leave someone. And this applies to any type of relationship in life. There are times when there are family members that you need to distance yourself from. There are times when there are friends that you need to distance yourself from. There are times when you need to break up with your significant other. These are some of the hardest decisions to make because there's love involved. We love these people. We don't want to leave them even if we know that they're holding us back or they have a negative impact on our daily lives

Someone can treat you like shit and it can still be really hard to leave them. So without further ado Let's get into it This episode is brought to you by secret Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection How epic is that? And it's free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda. It's made with pH balancing minerals

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How do I get out of it? Well, it sounds like you already know that you wanna be done with it. The decision has been made. And now what needs to be done is you need to actually take the action, which is the hardest part. Getting out of it is honestly pretty easy on paper. Getting out of it consists of having a conversation, I can't do this anymore. This is tearing

me apart emotionally. And I'm done. I think I think that we're done. And then it's a matter of no longer speaking to this person and no longer being with them anymore. That's on paper, pretty simple, right? No, it's not. Because getting to a point where you're ready to do that is so challenging and it takes so much mental work because it sounds like you still care for this person.

You still kind of want to be with them in a way. You know that you're done because you said, how do I get out of it? But there's something emotionally holding you back. Because again, as I said, on paper, it's easy to get out of it. You have a conversation, you say, I need to be out of this, and then you're out of it.

It's easy on paper. It's that emotional battle that's so challenging. How do you get out of that head space? The head space of feeling stuck. You're stuck getting to the place where you can have that conversation and actually end it. My advice is to gather your thoughts to start. Now, for me, I tend to do that through conversation

with people who are very close to me, my two best friends or my parents. I go to those people and I just talk through it. I talk about what I'm gonna say to the person. I talk about why I know it needs to end. I just say it out loud. And when I say it all out loud and I get it all off my chest, it just feels clearer to me

and I end up by the end of the conversation feeling more certain about what I'm gonna do. So that's one option. Another option, if you don't really wanna bring anyone else into it, is you could literally write everything down. You could almost write down like a game plan, okay? You write down all the reasons why you know that you need to be done. You could write write down like a game plan, okay? You write down all the reasons why you know

that you need to be done. You could write down all the ways that you want your life to be different when you're out of this relationship. You could write down all of the things that you're gonna focus your energy on instead of this relationship. You could write down what you're gonna say during the conversation when you end things.

And you could even write down what you're gonna miss about the person. But then you should also compliment that or not really compliment that, but oppose that with a list of things that you're not gonna miss about the person, things that are deeply wrong with the person that make them really challenging to be with.

There's something very helpful about feeling like your feelings and thoughts about the situation are tangible. And that's an incredible first step to getting clearer on what your next step is. You can't let it fester in your mind. You can actually, but it'll just take a bit longer, I think, to take action.

There are some people who are good at doing the mental gymnastics in their head. They don't need to say it out loud or write it in a journal or do any of that to take action and just do it. There are some people who just do it and they don't find themselves feeling stuck. Or maybe they are stuck, but that's their mode of fixing it. But I think the most impactful way is to make it feel somehow tangible and then take action. I also think another really important piece of this is no contact, the no contact rule.

When you're in a cycle with someone, it's one thing to have that really challenging conversation, be like, we're done, but it's a whole other challenge to stick to it. And I think for certain couples, it's fine to have a little bit of contact, to check in every once in a while. If both people have an insane amount of self-control,

I guess, like almost superhuman level of self-control, two exes can do that and not get back together, you know? Like they can remain separated and friendly and all's good. I think the no contact rule is absolutely crucial for breaking the cycle because you guys are in the routine of you know, having sort of an inconclusive it sounds like having sort of an inconclusive breakup conversation, and then getting back together and then breaking up again and like

you're clearly still in contact a lot, which is why you keep falling back into it. If you cut contact for six months, you can break the cycle. If you break, the longer you go, the better. And I think that that needs to be a part of that challenging conversation that ends it for once and for all. When you end it for once and for all,

you have to say that in the conversation. You have to say, listen, this is it forever. Like I cannot do this ever again. Like maybe 20 years down the line, talk to you then, but maybe 10 years down the line. For the next long time, we need to break the cycle. This needs to be done. I love you. I wish we could be together, but this is just too much for me.

I think that it's best if we do not speak for the indefinite future. It's so hard. There are going to be days when you're like, oh my God, I would do anything to text them. Like I just miss them. I just wanna talk to them. I just want them back one last time. Maybe this time it'll be different.

Chances are it will not be different, especially if it's really recent. Like if it's been only like two months, which is when it's the hardest by the way, things will not be different. They just won't. Refrain from breaking the no contact rule and I promise you, you can break the cycle.

Next, somebody said, I love my boyfriend so much, but I can't see us getting married, but I'm not ready to break up with him. Am I doing the wrong thing by staying with him? In my opinion, no. Like I think it's very normal and maybe even healthy to have doubts in a relationship. I almost feel like it's more dangerous

if you're delusionally in love with somebody like this person's my soulmate, this person is perfect, this person is flawless. There is absolutely nothing wrong with them. I must marry them or else I will not live to see another day. I will die if they are not my soulmate. Like I cannot, like I think that is honestly more of a reason to weirdly break up in a way than having slight doubts.

Because I think that in life, our goal should always be to be living as rationally and as realistically as possible. And to question everything and to be curious and to never fully settle, you know, I think that that is a positive mindset to have because there's kind of like a level of agility that comes with that. And you're able to take action in your life and make changes that impact your life in a positive way

when you're asking questions, when you're curious, when you're questioning things. And I understand the fear, like, is it a bad sign that I'm questioning things? Like, does this mean that he's not the one for me? Maybe he's not, and you might be onto something. But right now, you don't know for sure yet. You still love this person and your gut's telling you that it's not time to break up yet. So I think it's nothing to be too concerned about.

I think it's normal. I think it's healthy. Because here's the thing, it's like when I was younger, I didn't take it seriously enough. I didn't take romantic relationships seriously enough. And I think that me specifically as a person should because I'm someone who wants to get married, wants to have a kid and getting married and having children,

those are huge commitments, okay? Cause that shit gets messy. And if you don't make the right choice, shit could get messy, you know what I'm saying? Like if you're somebody who never wants to get married, you never wanna have kids and you don somebody who never wants to get married, you never want to have kids, and you don't really want to have a lifelong partner, you're more interested in just dating around kind of forever, then it's less important for someone who has goals like that to be

hyper aware of their relationship at a given moment because it's like, they're never going to settle. Like the stakes are lower. But when you're someone who wants to get married, maybe wants to have a family, the stakes are far higher. And it's fucking serious, it's a serious choice. And I feel like, societally, in a weird way, we kind of have stripped away the weight

and the severity of the decision. I don't know why, maybe it's because dating's so casual now, or maybe it's just because it's so normal to see people getting married every day that it's like, well, this isn't a rare thing. Like everybody, so many people get married, so many people have families with their significant other. It's not that big of a deal.

I don't know why the weight has been lifted from it, but it is a fucking serious decision, and questioning it is the rational response. To be like, I don't know if this is my person. That's rational. Because honestly, I don't know if you ever really know for sure. To be rational is to always have a little bit of doubt in the back of your head and say, you know what, this person might not be the one.

However, they're pretty damn close and I'm really happy with them and I love them. Is there someone out there who's better? Maybe, but this feels right and so I'm gonna do it, you know? But I don't know, I just don't think it's inherently a red flag to be questioning whether or not you're gonna get married. I think it's healthy. I think when you're in a state where you're like, because I can think about, I'm thinking about myself and in the past, like I've been in certain relationships where I've been like, I have to marry this person or else I will die. I will die, this person I must marry.

That's happened to me twice. And there's also been times where I haven't had that. And I think deep down it's because I was like, I can feel, we'll be short. And it was, you know, in all those times it was, like that was accurate. But with longer term relationships, I've been like, oh my God, I have to marry this person.

And that was a state of like, I was in a delusional state there. And weirdly, I think I was in that state because I was so unsure about it in my gut and something in my gut was like, ah, fuck, I don't think this is actually right. But I wanted it to be right so badly that I convinced myself that they were my soulmate

when they weren't. Whereas when things are actually healthy, I've noticed, and things actually are balanced and things actually click, you find a sense of calm and like, you know what, actually this might work, this might not work, but it feels really good right now and I'm actually okay with just enjoying what it is right now.

It's so bizarre when you feel safe and when you feel comfortable and when you feel properly loved in a relationship, you don't end up in a delusional state, you end up in a more rational state where you're questioning things and you're not overcompensating for their lack of compatibility with you by being

dramatic about them being your soulmate and stuff like that. You don't end up in that sort of extreme state. I don't know. That's just my experience, but I actually think that it's really healthy to be questioning, so I wouldn't worry about it. Next, somebody said, I have a really suspicious feeling about my partner. What do I do? Now, a lot of people will say, you got to go on the phone.

You got to look through the phone. You got to read through the text messages. You need to go through their Instagram DMs. You need to go behind their back. You need to start asking around. You need to go behind their back because they're never going to say it to your face. That might very well be true. However, I think the first step is to have

a conversation. Is that obvious? Of course that's obvious. But I think the conversation and the way it's handled is crucial because I think a lot of us avoid conversations like this because we fear that we're going to seem crazy. We fear that we're going to seem desperate or needy or pathetic. But what I found is if you address that head on when going into the conversation, it just disarms yourself and them. If you go into the conversation like this, sort of like an animal with its tail between its legs and you say, listen, I don't want to have this conversation just as much as you don't want to have this conversation. And I hope that I'm wrong. I hope that I'm wrong. I hope that I'm crazy. But here's I'm wrong. I hope that I'm crazy.

But here's where I'm at. I have a bad feeling about you. I feel like something's off. I feel like you might be cheating on me. I feel like you don't love me anymore, blah, blah, blah, blah, whatever it may be. And I wanna respect your privacy, which is why I've decided not to go through your phone.

I've decided not to go through your Instagram. I've decided not to do any of those things because I respect you as a person and I respect your privacy. However, I have a very deep feeling that something is off and I need you to prove to me that something is not off because my gut feeling is not nothing. Something is off. Now it might not be what I think it is, but something's definitely off. So we need to work together to figure out what that is. And I beg of you that if something is

going on and it is the thing that I think that it is, that you will tell me because I have used all of the restraint in my body to not play dirty with you. Okay. I have not gone on your phone. I've not done all this shit. I've not gone behind your back and started asking around. No, I've come to you because I respect you as my partner. And I would hope if you're the partner that I think that you are to me, I would hope that you would be fucking honest with me and tell me the truth because I've handled this in the best way I possibly could. And all I ask of you is that you do the same. And you know what?

If you cheated on me, if you did this, if you did that, that'll be a separate conversation. But I beg of you to tell me because it's driving me nuts. It's driving me nuts. And I'm uncomfortable. I feel uncomfortable living in this state. Like we need to figure it out. I honestly think it's that type of conversation.

And I think that that is all you can do because listen, you could go behind their back and you could try to figure it out. That's not going to make you feel good. That will make you feel like shit. You're going to feel guilty. And you're also, I personally don't believe that that's, I don't know. I have a hard time with that. Like I get it.

It's like if someone is cheating on you or something, and you find something, then it's like, you feel justified. You're like, well, thank God I looked because otherwise I wouldn't have ever known. And that's fair. But it's like, what if you don't find anything? What if they're not cheating on you? And what if it's like, they've been suffering with something else. And then now you've gone through their phone and you feel bad. I just think it's better to lead with a conversation. And listen, if this suspicious

feeling doesn't go away for like months and months and months, it might just be a sign that you're not compatible with this person and you don't trust them because of their personality, who they are. Maybe it's their communication style. Maybe it's how affectionate or not affectionate they are. Maybe it's, there's something about the way

that they love you that doesn't feel right for you. And you should feel comfortable and safe and secure and not suspicious in a healthy relationship. I didn't realize that for so many years. I thought it was fully normal to constantly be on edge. But what I realize now in retrospect is that I was responding to not getting my needs met emotionally. I was responding to not being communicated with enough, not receiving enough affection, not being reassured enough. Fuck, not being reassured at all, not being adored at all.

You know, like I was responding to these things and I gaslit myself into being like, fuck, I'm being crazy for like kind of feeling suspicious or feeling uncomfortable pretty frequently. And it's like, no, I was just responding for like, kind of feeling suspicious or feeling uncomfortable pretty frequently. And it's like, no, I was just responding to not receiving what I needed from this person. Did these people ever cheat on me? Probably not.

But did I always feel suspicious with them? Yes, because they were not giving me what I needed emotionally, whereas I've been in relationships where I have received what I needed emotionally. And guess what? Ease of mind. Wow, chilled out, so chill, so relaxed,

never worry about them because I just, I trust them and I can tell that they love me. You see what I mean? Somebody said, my boyfriend is always repeating the same mistakes and apologizing, but I never see him change. What do I do? Well, I think the first step is to, again,

here I am a ghost saying to communicate, have a conversation pointing out respectfully and softly this problem. Say, listen, I've asked you to change in these different ways, you haven't, why is that? And am I asking something of you that you cannot do? Like, are these things that you can do or no? Are my expectations unrealistic?

Be honest with me. Now, depending on what he says, it can go in various different ways. If he says, you know what, I cannot change. Like, this is just who I am and I've tried to change, but it doesn't stick because it's just not me. This is who I am and I don't know what to tell you. At that point, you have to make a decision.

Are you willing to accept your significant other for who they are exactly as they are? Because you can't change people all the time. You just can't. So are you willing to accept that? Or are you not? And is it time to move on? On the other hand, your significant other might say, these are things that I want to change, but I need more time. Like the reason why I've not changed yet is because I need more time. Like, and I might need a little bit of help. Okay, well now you need to ask yourself,

are you willing to wait? And are you willing to help? And again, the same as the last, you just need to ask yourself those questions and everyone's different. The truth is in relationships, there are always gonna be some sort of compromise and it looks different in every relationship.

Like in some relationships it might be that your significant other is really bad at communicating. Okay, like it does not come naturally to them and that's the cards that you were dealt, okay. Some relationships it might be like, this person's sense of humor is just kind of like, like they're so perfect in every other way, but like we just don't have the same sense of humor.

Or there might be somebody where it's like, you know what? The sex, it sucks. The sex sucks. It's different in every relationship, but you have to figure out what you're willing to sacrifice. Like I know for myself Like I'm such a communicator. I need to be with another communicator. It's just who I am, right? so that's a deal breaker for me and there's other things for me too that are that are deal breakers, but like It's just you have to understand it and I have to understand even too like we all have to understand that

it's kind of unfair for us to expect people to change things that are inherently them. There are other people that aren't going to mind that they're that way. For example, if somebody's not a communicator, they might date somebody who also isn't a communicator and they can just go ahead and not communicate together. There are going to be two people who don't really care about sex. Maybe they're not sexual people, maybe they have low libido and they have mediocre sex and neither of them are necessarily,

they don't care because they have a beautiful friendship and maybe they work on improving their sex lives together because they're both starting from the same point. They're both not really that into sex and they don't really, they're not that interested in it so they don't know how to make it interesting for themselves. Do you see what I'm saying? Like, those issues might actually end up being fine in another setting.

So you have to figure out what you're willing to compromise with. And it's okay to leave because you're not compatible with someone. I think a lot of times we feel bad about leaving when there's not something really, really wrong like when someone didn't cheat on us or, and I tend to be somebody personally who always wants to fix things. I'm like, oh, but we could work through this. We could work through this. Some things can't be worked through and some things can be worked through, but it'll take too long. And I can tell you that there's people out there that are flawed as well, but are flawed in a way that you can manage. Next, somebody said, I flawed in a way that you can manage.

Next, somebody said, I'm in a relationship where I carry most of the weight. I work two jobs and I don't see my boyfriend have the same motivation for a future as I do. I love him so much, but I don't know what to do. Help. I don't know. This is kind of similar to the last one in the sense that you need to ask yourself if you're willing to accept him for who he is.

Not everyone is super ambitious, super motivated. Some people don't care about making a lot of money and care more about maybe doing creative stuff, making art, surfing. Everyone has their right to dream up the life that they want to have. And I know it may sound kind of harsh because it's like, it is a bit uncomfortable to be the one carrying all the weight and not seeing your significant other match you there. But at the same time, it's like, that is ultimately your choice. When you're the one carrying most of the weight, you're not relying on them at all.

Maybe emotionally in some way, but you could break up with them and be completely fine tomorrow. So it's up to you every day to choose if you're okay with carrying most of the weight. Because that might just be what it means to be with this person. And if you love them deeply enough,

that might be okay with you. You might be like, you know what? This is a little different than what I imagined. I imagined having an equally as motivated partner, but at the same time, this person provides so much value in other areas of my life and they still have motivation in their life.

It's just not the same as mine. I think that we can work through this together. I think that we can work through this together. You know, I think that we can find a way to both reach our goals individually together. And I think that that's possible through accepting that this person just doesn't have as much of a grind set, you know, as you do. But you also might come to the conclusion that that's not going to work for you and you need somebody who's on the same wavelength and wants the same level of success as you do and that's also completely fine. In that case, you need to leave them and it's going to be hard because you still love them,

but that's an absolutely valid reason to leave someone because for a lot of people having a similar level of motivation and having a similar vision for the future is non-negotiable, and that's absolutely fair. Whereas other people I think are like, you know, we can find a happy medium, we can compromise, because we just work so well together in other ways, and we have such a great friendship, and we have so much fun together,

and maybe we have the same hobbies. You know, it's like, maybe when it comes to our future financial status or our where we live or all these things, you know, maybe all these things are, we kind of differ, but at the same time, we have so much fun together that we could make it work with any amount of money living anywhere. Do you know what I'm saying? Somebody said, I feel like I'm too young to be in a committed relationship,

even though I'm in a happy and healthy one. Is it too early to settle down? In my opinion, I feel like it's best to take it day by day and I'm horrible at this. So this is me giving hypocritical advice. Okay, here I go again, giving advice that I'm bad at following because in the past, I mean even today, it's like very hard for me not to jump to conclusions. Like, ooh, this person's really good,

we're really happy, we're really healthy, even though I'm only 22, maybe I'll get married to them. You know, like I have a history of doing this because I like having answers. I like to plan things, but you don't need to commit to anything. If you feel like you're too young to be in a committed relationship,

you're not really that committed. Like you don't have to get married. You know what I'm saying? Like dating in a serious way is commitment and is serious and is ultimately leading to potentially more such as having a family or doing whatever, but it's not that serious. You know, you can still leave at any time.

The second that it doesn't feel happy and it doesn't feel healthy anymore, you can leave after one conversation. And the truth is, it isn't easy to find a happy and healthy relationship. So if you find yourself in one, I always say to stay in it until it doesn't feel happy and healthy anymore. Happy and healthy is rare, unfortunately. And I think if you're somebody who ultimately wants to get married one day, ultimately wants to have a family one day with someone, you should hold on to every happy and healthy

relationship that you come across if that's your ultimate goal because they are rare. They're rare and they're to be cherished. And I think there can be moments of doubt, you know, like, hey, should I be like exploring different options? In a weird way, you're always exploring different options, even when you're with somebody, because you're making friends, you're socializing more, and you can be in a relationship and still be studying the world around you.

You know what I'm saying? So I feel like even though you're young, it doesn't mean like you're blinded to the world around you. Like if you start to feel like, ah, you know what, there are things out here that I really want to experience and they're more appealing to me and will make me more happy and will make my life more fulfilling if I experience than the relationship that

I'm in now. Cross that bridge when you get to it, but don't just end a relationship because you feel like maybe societally you're too young to be in a committed relationship and you should be experimenting and stuff like that. If something's happy and healthy and feels good, you just got to run with it. And you'll know when it's time to leave if that time ever comes. Don't just leave because you feel like you're supposed to, because society's like,

you're not supposed to get married till this age, or you're not supposed to find the love of your life until this age. Or your grandparents are like, you're too young to be dating. It's like, grandma, I'm 20. I think I can be in a relationship now. I'm 20, I'm an adult.

So yeah, I think ride it out. Anyway, that's all I have for today's advice session. I hope that you enjoyed it. And if you did, feel free to DM on Instagram at Anything Goes and send in various dilemmas that you're going through right now. And maybe you might be included in a future advice session. New episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday. Tune in and hang out anywhere that you stream podcasts,

all the videos exclusively on Spotify. Follow me on Instagram, Emma Chamberlain. Follow me on YouTube, Emma Chamberlain. Check out my coffee company, Chamberlain Coffee. We have coffee, we have tea, it's all happening there. We can deliver straight to your door. We're in grocery stores. Find us however you wanna find us.

And that's all I have for today. I love you all and I appreciate you all. And I just hope that you're doing awesome and having fun and living life to the fullest and feeling various emotions and sinking into them and enjoying the experience of what it is to be human. Love you all. Okay.

People are gonna be like, hear me say shit like that and not think that I'm, they'll be like, oh, so she's not kidding. She means that. And she's slowly trying to become a cult leader. No, I'm not. Oh, I can't be silly. Okay, I see how it is now.

Okay, love you all. Bye.