Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - All Natural Trash w/ Kippy & Foley
Episode Date: June 20, 2024Are You Garbage is back with Kippy and Foley for a family episode to answer your garbage questions from Patreon. Its a fun one! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live ...show! Through the Roof Tour: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Mint Mobile: https://www.MintMobile.com/GARBAGE Rocket Money: https://www.rocketmoney.com/garbage Adam & Eve: https://www.adamandeve.com/ Promo Code: Garbage Tushy: https://hellotushy.com/ Promo Code: Garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Gang, the Are You Garbage?
Card Game second edition is now 20% off.
We blow out sale, baby.
It's over 50 of our favorite questions
that you've seen from the show all available in a card game.
Are you garbage dot com 20% off while supplies last.
Yeah, moving merch.
Hang on, Gang, forget to the podcast.
I want to talk to you about our good pals at Mint Mobile.
We're talking about fifteen dollars a month.
Save you a lot of money on your phone bill.
Yeah, to get this new customer offer, go mint mobile comm slash garbage 45 bucks up front required payment
It's the equivalent of $15 a month for your first three month plan only speed slower above 40 gigabytes of unlimited plan
Additional taxes fees restriction apply see mint mobile for details. Let's get to the show. Let's go
Welcome to another exciting edition of R U Garbage, the show
where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy
individuals or absolute trash.
Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley.
Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's
favorite podcast. This is are you garbage?
You know it's a little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that the group to be classy
Yeah, just a big old piece of trash trash trash. I'm your host a truly coming at you on a beautiful day
We're out back here at Tooties in a new edition. She's up in a room doing a little self tape
Okay, she got bit by the acting bug. I
Think it was a tick
My co-host is coming at you from across the table. He is the CEO of are you garbage?
He is an international businessman and now that we are in the midst of the summer. He is mr. Neptune
2024 the king of the boardwalk, baby the chicken parm hero. Give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan everybody
How are you?
Gang thanks for tuning in as always. Please make sure you rate review subscribe on iTunes and Spotify while you're at it
There you go
Full video available on YouTube as you know, those numbers are
And obviously my favorite website of all time
I don't want to speak for everybody out there at a team or whoever but my brother my favorite website of all time. I don't want to speak for everybody out there at a team or whoever, but my favorite website of all time is www.patreon.com
slash are you garbage. You go over there, you get all the content you could ever dream of.
A lot of fun stuff going on over there at Patreon. Hell of a squad over there too. Good family community.
Shout out to the homies. The homies know what's up. You gotta to think about it. We've been doing two bonus episodes a month or two bonus
episodes a week for three years.
A hundred couple hundred hours of fucking all the vids of apps.
We got all the vids.
The island every down ashore with the with the stuff island.
All the vlogs down ashore with just us.
All things check out.
And speaking of fun times, how about a nice shout out to our producer extraordinaire, the old magic man.
Makes us all look good, works the ones, the twos, the threes, and the fours.
He crosses T's and he dots I's and he likes cash and checks and breaking necks.
Give it up for T-Bone McScruffins.
Toby McMullen everybody.
What up boys?
There he is, the Scottish lad.
Dude, Hank, can I say, I love that shirt.
Thanks.
Acapulco Hank, baby.
That shirt pairs well with a Mai Tai
and a guy playing bongos in the background.
No, no, that's, no, that's, that's, that's-
And a stepped on bag of yak that the taxi driver got me.
How you doing?
You know anybody?
That's Detective in the South shirt, that is.
That's, dude, that's-
The coldest cases.
That girl was 12 years old!
Yeah, it's either, it's either, it it's either like Atlanta, Florida, or the Southwest.
Working the coldest cases you've ever seen.
On your own because you're a lone wolf.
I feel like McConaughey in True Detective.
I could drop you in Arizona and you could be cracking skulls.
Foley, aren't you supposed to be retired?
You guys are True Detective. It's just, can't be going to be retired? You guys, you guys are true detective.
It's just can't be going.
Can you stop saying fucking crazy shit?
Yeah. What the hell's wrong with you freaking me out, bro?
Every time you fuck up a conversation.
You know what I wanted to ask you speaking of my shirt?
Um, you're doing big news over there.
Speaking of clothes, the presses.
Man, I would not too far on the undies real tight.
Let me ask you this.
I'm listening as your consigniary.
Sure.
I guess this is mainly for you because T-Bone is an outdoor
cat. I don't know.
What?
Where do you do your laundry by the way laundromat you do it there
Or do you have them do it? No, I do it myself. I do it
I just working girl trying to make it on
He's gonna make it after all
Mary tired Toby every every laundromat in New York City
Feels and smells the same they're all they're all the same temperature doors always open
Come on in the waters like those Spanish soap poppers, huh?
I go to one there's like four right by me
But there's one that's open late and one time they let me in even later than they should have so I'm loyal
I'm loyal to the soil with those guys. What time are you doing laundry yet? He's up. He keeps odd office hours
Usually around like 930 10. You should have been a hacker
Yeah, that's what you should have been. Can you write any code? I've asked you this before I can write some hacky jokes, though
There you go. They really write his name this one all fucking goofed up
Well, I doubt this is gonna pertain to you, but oh that's kp's domesticated gentleman
homeowners such as you are hey
How do you feel about the all-natural detergents? I'm glad you brought this up. Ah
my wife's a very all
Natural until that and I go along with it until that shit don't work. And I go bring in the heavy bike chemies.
You got to clean it.
You got to fucking sterilize it.
That shit's all right.
I don't I I drop my stuff off.
I stop at the house.
What do you mean at the house?
You have clothes at the house, by the way.
It's you have a double life. I do.
It's not great. Dropping your Rs on the weekends.
Man. Yeah. It's not great. You live a double life. I do. It's not great. Dropping your R's on the weekends? Ummm... man, yeah.
You should have something.
What's in your guys' drawers at your summer home?
Ummm... there's not drawers per se.
Duffel bags.
I live out of a duff. I'm a duff man.
A go bag and ten grand in cash.
No, we got a closet with some shelving in there and that's where we keep our stuff.
I got some staples there, maybe a couple pair of undies, a couple pair of socks.
So if we went down there right now, you'd be alright?
No.
Really?
No, I'd be in pretty bad shape.
I'd be pretty jammed up.
I could get you a pair of dirty underwear.
You gotta pull Portnoy's move.
What's that?
Anytime he buys his shirt, he gets three
and send them to each one of his properties.
Whoa!
Damn, that's a baller move right there.
Yeah, dude.
Ooh, not that a prez, huh?
He knows what he's doing.
Now, I got a couple...
Yeah, the dog hair's bad.
It's heavy down there.
He sheds a lot.
And yeah, it's all hardwood floor that old hardwood floor, too
You know what I mean? So I didn't look she does natural cuz that stuff listen
She does seven generation which I'll bang with get the fuck out of here. That's in the middle
That's better than some of that shit hasn't worked for seven generations
Listen, I'll just be watching that shit in water or vinegar.
Or on a riverbed, like you see in National Geographic.
Listen, I like to, actually, I'm lying.
I know it's wrong.
I like the fucking hard stuff on everywhere.
I want Windex, I want tile,
I want fucking the scrubbing bubbles,
I want fucking...
They do the scrubbing so you don't have to.
Yeah, dude, I want the good stuff
Yeah, that natural shit. That's what I grew up on so that smell is like that's to me. That is clean give it
She uses the fucking
Lanolin balls or whatever they are the lanolin. I don't know if it's lanolin. It's like they're they're pretty they're very popular now
Not those things you put in the fucking dryer. Oh god. I got my fat ass
We have six of them in there. Yeah, you need a bunch like a three-point contest. I'm fucking picking them all up
Oh, it's like it's like putting tennis balls dude those things come everywhere
Oh, dude, they're dog that Hans gets a hold of it. He starts chewing it, but I gotta be honest with you the fab
What is it?
That don't do shit.
What?
That's whatever those balls are.
No, I'm saying the other stuff comes out.
That can get, I don't mind it, but that can get a real, get a real slick going on a T-shirt with the...
What, the, the...
With dry softener?
With regular dryer sheets.
I love the regular dryer sheets.
That's how you know it's clean.
I know.
Two or three of those in there.
Two or three, more like five or six
Oh that man. I like that little that little silicon feel on it. Yeah, I've got nothing like a robot. I've gotten off
Yeah, I feel like I'm
Making my kids making my blood girl. Yeah, I am I love the idea of natural
The carnivore MD a guy in the internet he uses vinegar a guy. I don't listen to
Okay, I enjoy stuff
He uses vinegar on everything and I like to smell like salt and vinegar chips
I ain't got no friend. I think he uses vinegar in his in his laundry detergent to running around smell like a bag of lace
But here's the thing that's that guy stinks. I'm telling you
You've never met him wait till the thing. That's that guy stinks. I'm telling you, he you've never met him. Wait till
you share a cab with that guy.
He'll be like, yo buddy, let me
get out. Let me get you on a
bounce and tide train. I used
to work at a restaurant where
they use that a lot. Instead of
like, um, like, you know, like
the things that you clean the
table with that you have ready
like the soap, but you know,
like you have to have, they
would just do a little bit of
water and vinegar on a
On a on a bar rag and that smelled pretty good. Yeah, we used to fight wars the muskets
Yeah, true. We've moved on. I like the hard stuff. I
Just I can't I bitch about it. I go through it too
Cuz I'm using more what it don't smell like nothing. I know that's the problem
It's a fig. I mean those that fragrance is all fucking chemies that ain't ain't putting natural lavender in there big guy
He's a freak. We've been using that for years though. I know well everybody's alright
No, they're not I mean people people are dying at an alarming rate there big guy tumors out the wazoo
I remember one time. I was like I was I was out front
Out front of a bar kitchen heater, and I just switched to I was trying to be a little more healthy. I
switched to aluminum free deodorant and I'm like yeah
that **** is bad for you and some girl goes you're you're
smoking a cig right now. Yeah. You gotta pick your battles.
You know what? Can't win them all. You're on anti perspire.
On anti-depressants. How you doing? Yeah. Yeah. What's it? Yeah, I do.
That's all got aluminum in it. If it's an anti-perspirant.
I'm picking my battles. I'm picking my... What am I going to
be one of his friends? You are very pity.
What? Oh, man. I've never seen anybody like that.
I want to do the... They say you can get to...
You sweat like a driving instructor. You ever see a shit? It's I've never seen I want to do that. They say you can get sweat like a driving instructor
You ever see you shit it's nuts first thing in the morning you get to the go ahead no It's this is surprisingly for the day. I had that's for t-shirts sewn together. I picked that thing up
I almost broke my back. You just tried that bit all fairness
I'm gonna give it to you. Yeah, I didn't laugh then.
What do you think?
I'm gonna give it to you now.
I'm an honest man.
I call balls and strikes.
I switched it up a little bit.
I spit ball before the show.
Yeah, you sweat bad.
I do.
I want to get that not college.
What's the word?
Botox.
Botox.
Apparently you get it in your point.
Get it.
Get it. No, but then I get it in your point get it get it
No, but then I say hey, I think it works out of the thing that it comes out somewhere
I don't need I don't need a waterfall coming from the top of my dome piece
Sweating at your eyebrows like that key and peel meme
Just looks like I'm bombin I'm sweating I
Mean I've seen you go through a jean jacket. Oh, that's crazy. It does nothing's that's suicide bomber shit
Holy shit, I'm not through a jean jacket and I sweat man
What cool under pressure?
freaking out of the time?
Now stuck in traffic
Anyway, that's either here nor there gang we are here for what we like to call a little family episode
Just the boys the bozos and the homies as you know when you sign up for the old patreon you get a question read on the air by Sweaty McSweatons Kevin James Ryan
Hey, we're gonna cut all that that's not staying in there. If you're getting Botox get a little something on the face too
Okay, just for shits and gigs. We're gonna have a good laugh at you
If you got anything done, would you get any work done? There's a there's a thing called ice sculpting
Do you notice?
You're going to fix your face with a chainsaw?
Just cut the head right off.
You're going to turn me into an ice luge.
It's functional.
Ice sculpting.
Yeah, apparently, it's for people.
I'm not at this part of my fitness journey just yet.
But when you lose a lot of weight, they hit it, they like cryo, freeze it off you
and it kills the fat cells.
One so they don't throw back
and it tightens everything up a little bit.
But.
Oh sweet, I'll get that done.
There's like, okay.
There's a six percent chance that it fucks you up.
Why?
Like lumps you up.
Yeah, it's like I don't need to, I'm all right.
I'm not, you know. Just a little
eye tuck. No. Or something. Hey listen, why don't you get some, you can get one or two, three fucking hundred things done too,
alright big guy? Lipa. I don't know why, yeah, why don't you do that? I am. Turn you into a candle or whatever.
Isn't that what they did in the fight club? Soap. Alright, quit screwing around. Let's get to the cues here.
All right, this one's from the peanut butter man.
Great name.
Speaking of what we were just talking about,
any of your dressers missing a knob or a handle?
My whole life.
Yeah, still.
I don't have any dressers now.
Oh, you all closets.
I'm all clogged.
We got no room.
Yeah.
My bedroom, the whole, the bed takes up 99% of the room.
Yeah, that's the problem with these New York City apartments.
Yeah, I had a queen.
That wasn't good enough.
She complained about that.
And then we got the king.
Shout out to Helix.
Got us the king.
Good peeps.
And now she can't get in there, and it's too small.
And just bitching and bitching and bitching.
Yeah, we have like in our hallway outside of our bathroom.
We have like I want to say like a five or six drawer.
I know what you mean.
I mean, I like the very country home.
Yeah, very like very HGTV.
Like, oh, it's a it's a reno job.
What do you put towels and shit in there?
In the bottom one, there's towels.
And then I got a drawer. She's got like I got a drawer and a half
She's got just any apartment or in the house in the apartment really yeah, okay you that's not too
Well, I mean with there's nowhere to store these so you get dressed in the hallway
No
That's not my clothes in there. That's like that's like products. Where are you putting your undies on?
In the bed in the bathroom in the bedroom, in the bedroom,
bathroom, what am I in college?
Who does that? Yeah, I don't like that either.
I got to go out and get that air.
But I got to hit every. Yeah, you got to do that.
I have and I've started, especially in the summer.
Summertime, it's very for a for a man who sweats
getting out of the house on time and into air condition again.
It's sure. Well, you're navigating some shit.
You have to walk into I don't know how your AC is, but we got AC in the room,
AC in the living room, which is broke right now.
So but nothing in the in the bathroom.
So it steams up and they have an AC in the bathroom.
What the fuck?
I got a window unit.
I would turn into a goddamn rainforest in there.
You need to vent that dude. That'd be crazy
There's no windows in my bathroom. What? Yeah, no
No, very private. Well, you have no windows in it's right do my business. No, no windows in there. Mm-hmm. There's a vent
Smells like weed all the time
Fucking chief in in there dog.. Someone's lighting up in their bathroom.
Yeah, no windows.
Weird.
I think, I mean, all pre-war buildings in New York
all have that.
I don't live in a pre-war building.
Being nuts.
2021 this thing was built.
Still working on it.
Still getting to put a window on my bitch.
That's also a thing too, that someone messaged me, they'reaged me like how is it's crazy. I've never been to your apartment
To mine. Yeah, but you were in the lobby
Yeah
I was watching was I was asked to leave watching like I'm the kid, but you know if you don't
in New York, especially the lives we live, you know, we've
Very rarely would go to each other's apartment.
No, back in the day we did when we were buddies, when we were friends.
We were recording.
What the hell does that mean?
You fucking sandbagging son of a bitch.
We would go to record a podcast.
Sure. You wouldn't come over and like have dinner.
Yeah, no, no one's doing that.
I think you've been to what?
You've been to my old apartment.
What old apartment?
The one I lived in with my buddy.
Yeah, we we hung out there a little bit. We recorded there and we had nowhere to go. You've been to my old apartment. What old apartment? The one I lived in with my buddy.
Yeah, we hung out there a little bit.
We recorded there.
And we had nowhere to go.
You weren't up and up to the hut.
Yeah, no, we were only there.
We watched a couple of ball games up there, didn't we?
Or a fight or something.
Didn't have cable.
Yikes.
Tough times.
Looking out the window.
Watch the neighborhood guys.
No, yeah, but I think other people do live like that.
Like, hey, I'm going to come over and hang out.
I think if we lived in the same neighborhood, maybe?
Also, doing comedy in New York, you spend your whole day
out running around like a city rat trying to, you know what I mean?
So it's like we're together all day.
It'd be weird to be like, hey, I'm going to go back to my house
and catch a movie.
It's just nine hours with you.
Do a little Netflix and chill. Cut me some slack. And also, New York, I think, is a very big, Catch a movie like somebody Just nine hours with you
Netflix and chill got me some slack and also New York. I think is a very big like you go out like oh, well Let's you know let's go to dinner. Let's do that like you're apart everybody most people's apartments think stink
Kippy this is Toshi shout out to Toshi. This is kippy and his dirty butthole
Hey, which he needs you to clean his said dirty butthole gang
What are you doing wiping your butt like you're in the Stone Age get to she we're talking about a bidet system
That keeps your butthole
Spotlessly clean. Yeah, the install is so easy anyone can do it in under 10 minutes. These 10 minutes will truly change your life
So do not wait
Wiping with toilet paper just smears poop around that spreads bacteria
around causing chronic infections down there like hemorrhoids, UTIs, yeast infections and
anal fissures. Listen, everybody out there has had a fissure too. You don't want to go
back. What's a fissure? I don't know. I had a finger too. And again, from Hippolol's I
don't have to tell you. Tushiba days are easy to use. Just sit down, relax, turn the knob
and spray to precise stream of fresh water right in your beehole.
Clean as a whistle.
We're living in the future here, baby.
Every Hello Tushy bidet comes with a 30-day hassle-free return, free return,
and a 12-month warranty. Here is the poop-in-your-butt turkey. Join 2 million
people, stay shower fresh all summer long and join the two million butts
who have already switched to Tushy for a limited time.
Our listeners get 10% off their first bidet when they use the code garbage at checkout.
That's 10% off your first bidet at hellotushy.com
H-E-L-L-O-T-U-S-H-Y.com promo code garbage.
Clean your butthole. Do it.
Can't we got time about rocket money baby oh love that rocket money
putting money back in your gotta save
these bozos a little bit of cash gang
lot of us have subscriptions that we
don't even know about mm-hmm with rock
of money you could find your
subscriptions and cancel them easy peasy
plus they tell you a little bit blue
budget about what's going on they mark
everything out for you not bad ah they
should start calling rocket money pocket money because it's putting bones back in
my pocket baby. Let me tell you this I didn't know I've been paying for Planet
Fitness for 11 years. Downloaded Rocket Money. You look great.
Downloaded Rocket Money. They cancelled it for me. One, two, three clicks right there.
It's done though. I can see you can see all your subscriptions in one place.
If there's something you don't want,
Rocket Money can help you cancel with just a few taps.
The dashboard shows your monthly spending like the big man said
compared to the last month.
So you can see your spending habits plus they'll create a custom budget
so you can keep your spending on track.
Stop wasting money on things you don't use.
Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash garbage.
That's rocketmoney.com slash garbage. One more time. Get a pen, get a pencil to rocketmoney.com slash garbage. That's rocketmoney.com slash garbage.
One more time. Get a pen, get a pencil.
Rocketmoney.com slash garbage.
Do it.
Do it.
It's a kai-rum-ba.
Is it garbage to refer to yourself as big than a name?
For example, we have a life insurance attorney who specializes in divorces and calls himself Big Lou.
That, do you want Big Lou on the case if I'm being honest with you?
Yeah, but you can't call yourself Big Lou. People got to start calling you Big Lou. Do you want Big Lou on the case if I'm being honest with you? Yeah, but you can't call yourself
Big Lou. People gotta start calling you Big Lou. I'm sure
if you're big, that's happened your whole life. Big Lou.
Nobody ever called me Big Hank. Little Hank. I've said worse
things behind your back for my noodle. Name there for me.
Any self-given nickname?
I doubt he gave himself Big Lou.
Oh, then yeah, Big Lou's great.
I would assume, I mean, that's always...
Yeah, go see Big Lou.
Big Lou will sell you a car.
Big Lou's got a cowboy hat on, I feel.
Big Lou's got a cowboy hat on, he'll sell you a car, get you out of a bad marriage.
Hell of an accountant, Big Lou.
Probably makes a mean Sammy if he owned a deli. Probably a good tipper don't call him Big Mike little Mike's his kid
Yeah, yeah, that's different. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I don't have any like a little Mike ain't little he tune you up
Crank your head open big Yugoslavia. Can you beat up any of your cousins?
coming to girls
You are the weakest link in the chain over there aren aren't you? You're not beating up any of those goons. I'm also the young I'm there's two younger than Mikey younger than you. Yeah, what? Yeah older than you. No Mikey's younger than me
Fuck you. I know so there's only two younger than me and he's one of them fucking sheetrock hanging fucking gorilla
I think I'm kind of at that point now unless I was really mad because I have the generation of my
down unless I was really mad because I have the generation of my cousins who all had kids at normal times. Some of them are older. Some of them are like 50. I'd knock them the fuck
out. But also some of them are nuts. I mean, it's also I mean, you got cops, you got firefighters.
Yeah, you got athletes. You got fucking carpenters. Yeah, you're an artist. And then you got kippy. Hey, Dom, sweat before the fight.
Performing artist.
I'm an entertainer.
Get your stunt double in to get your ass kicked.
Now, all the like so all my cousins have kids
that are all graduating college now.
One's in college and he'd fucking probably beat the shit out of me.
A football player, he works out, he's all jacked.
Yeah. Taller than me.
Anybody would beat the fuck out of you.
If you get mad, though, I don't know.
What? If you're mad.
Isn't there that thing of like maybe they wouldn't hit you as hard
because they see you as like an older, older guy?
That's when I sneak in there.
Get him in a gooch.
Hi. Get a handful of the family jewels. So I sneak in and get them in a gooch
In a handful of family jewels
All of your first move is just everything that's banned in the UFC
First time I got a fish up my cousin Liam. Oh got fish hooked. Yeah, we used to play
1800 we used to call who you fighting down to five points a rough house and my cousin gave me a Chelsea smile
didn't fight dirty
Fucking down there Shanghai in each other blowing dust in your face
Blow powder in your face and throw you on a cruise ship
Wake up on indentured servants for 40 years
12 years
Sucks pulled on he fucking fish hooked you he was showing me how to execute
Seduce you
Yeah, you got me
That we used to do those are scary. We used to do things called Irish two things you know them
Yeah, you push behind your ear. I remember fucking blacking out to treat times. Do you know that one? Oh?
Ever did you know there's a temple? It was like you were in fights, and that's how that was the equalizer between me and my brother
If I could fucking yeah, you know I'd get him in a headlock and fucking push the button
See you jumping down off this you're like crotch in the position
He starts doing that alligator death roll
He starts doing that alligator death roll
One more move your shit your pants I did it wrong. I should buy a bed. God damn it.
Pushing your own ear. Oh, man. In wrestling, I was big on the butt drag.
What were you the Rottweiler?
The butt drag. Yeah.
If somebody like shot in a single leg takedown and like you were like kind of sitting,
you could reach back and pull them like that.
I'd go in there.
I call it the puppeteer.
And I'm in the.
Oh, did you have done them?
Now, you got roughed up by your brother when you were a kid,
then he used to beat the shit out of you.
Yeah. Which is insane. Sure.
Because he's a little person. He is. Yeah.
He's about four. You're a weak man, though.
No, see, here was the problem is that he joined the wrestling team
where he was wrestling.
He was so he was just this tiny little brick shithouse
Sure, who was just trained in?
Like fucking up little gangly dudes like me he would come back and be like I got a new move
Let me put it on you
You're all smoked out
Strangling with a fucking n64 controller
Yeah, that's what I never thought of that.
That's funny.
What was the question?
I forget.
Big Lou.
Oh, Big Lou.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Big Lou.
All right, this one's from Paul.
New ten dollar hoagie here.
There you go.
Former Valley kid, Luzerne Valley.
Shout out to Northeastern Pennsylvania, I believe.
Of course.
Right, Luzerne.
WB. Is it garbage to take your above-ground pool with you when you move
my family moved a couple towns over when I was a kid and I thought we were
losing our pool until my dad said nah it's coming with us we drained it into
the street took it apart thought it was normal at the time but I've never seen anyone else do it. That's...
Did you move yours?
I'm there by the looks of you, yeah.
The above ground pool that we have at Casa de Folie now
is not our first above ground pool.
We had one in our house in the north end of Wilkes-Barre.
You moved from Wilkes-Barre?
You brought a pool down? No?
Hey, come with the pool four hours. We sold it
We sold it. Oh, yeah, they took it down and sold it. Oh shit
Yeah, they need a little bit of cash to get out. I respect that a couple old couple
You know a little bit of toll money took it down. I took it down and sold it
Moving it. I've never thought of that.
See if you can get an answer on how, like how.
That's why above ground pools are the best.
You take that shit down, take it with you, dog.
I was thinking about getting one for the burbs.
Really?
Just I don't want to have to deal with the construction
of like an out pool or what.
I don't, I wouldn't use it that much.
You don't got that K?
You don't got in-ground pool money?
No, you can get like, you can get a little baby bangers.
Real small.
Like one of those fiberglass ones?
Yeah.
Those things got hot in the summer though. Like a swimming hole, you know what I mean?
Well, look old little plunger little six foot call should get a pool. You got a pool. I'd show up at the house
I'd be down there. I never invited you fair enough. I know we're gonna do a big bash
We're doing a big bad. I've been hearing about this for a year waiting on the couch. It's coming
You're gonna do a big bash down there.
Yeah, get the pizza oven going,
flatbread freak, hold my arm.
Dog hair for everybody.
Ha ha ha ha.
You gonna do the pies?
What?
You gonna do the pies?
Yeah, I'm gonna do the pies.
Are you gonna get some ready before we get there?
I don't wanna be waiting 45 minutes for the slice.
This is why you don't get invited.
This is why you don't have friends.
This is why you complain about not having friends. Am I wrong though?
You'll be grateful when I'm down there when you're down there
And you're not wait coming and shit on me in my bash fucking make sure fucking little Mike's air fish. Oh, yeah
Thank you out two treat dogs
I'm just saying have a couple ready, so we're not waiting on you know what I'm rescinding the invitation
Come on. You're not coming T bone can come new guy Luke can come. I'll take my pizza
Right out of my cold dead
Bird of my fingers
That would be a little make your own pizza station would be
Prepped and then you just sit there then you only got to man it for like 15, 10 minutes.
Whatever, you throw it in, you catch a heater, have a beer, ah it's done.
I'm doing cucumbers.
What?
Doing cucumbers.
On your pizza?
Yeah.
Yeah and getting your passport revoked you god damn communists, what are you talking about?
That's a Kramer and a Poppy we're fighting over.
Yeah, it's not a pizza till it comes in the oven.
All right, let's see here. This one I've never, this is from Greg.
Are you garbage if you get sent back
through the airport metal detector multiple times?
I do.
You're never classy.
It's not a classy affair, I feel.
Like, it's embarrassing for why,
I don't know why, but it is.
My belt sets it off.
I don't like taking off my belt.
Yeah.
They usually send me back for that.
They're not really looking though.
I'd listen.
We we've been TSA pre-check for a minute.
I don't know what they're doing over there in the regular line, but man,
it's loosening up a little bit.
Are you sure?
I feels like it.
Why? I don't know, unless they know. They're not letting you through with your belt on.
It is four pounds of metal. No, I just say it's my belt. Could be my bionic leg. I'm going there and kick everybody.
Or the watch or my shades or my metal hip. Yeah, you do attempt to do stuff without following the rules like that a lot.
That's a lot of that.
I'm not taking my watch off. I steal it.
I got a guy stealing watches the other day.
Where? I don't know.
Somewhere, I'm sure.
Where are you?
They're rooting through your stuff.
Telling you. What are you going to steal?
Your CPAP machine?
They better not.
You boys will be in for a rude time.
Bad sinus infection.
Still you try to use that.
Oh man.
Yeah.
Good luck with that.
Uh, this is the same realm.
This one's just funny.
This is from Dr. Oz Zempik.
Is it garbage to write your contact details on your actual luggage?
I was in JFK and saw a family with suitcases that all had their information written on the sides
of the suitcase in Sharpie. Patty did that for years. Not
on the suitcase. No, no. She had a little bit of a car. Yeah.
No, what they're saying they wrote on the side of the suitcase.
She's the property of the Jenkins. Like a dead body. I guess.
Jesus. I don't know. I know not resuscitate written on your to me. Do you have uh, I?
Kind of like it case case any any ladies
Like what they see they just text you right away with your address and shit
Come on. Bye. No, that's crazy. That's how they murder you. Yeah, you're not they know you're not home dumbass. Oh, I was joking
Not on this show.
That's how they get you, man.
Oh, this fucking dickhead's in New Mexico.
I'll call my boy who lives right near Spruce Lane and have him go in and kill his cat and
rob the place.
No, thank you.
That got real quick.
Jesus Christ.
Fucking psychopath.
You got to get rid of the witness.
I think saw me should have should have been mind his own business.
Do you have your card filled out on your like your contact card
on the suitcase in the back or somewhere?
Do you? I don't have that.
Get the fuck out of here.
I got nothing of importance.
I don't know what's in there.
Yeah. Now, that ain't mine.
I mean, my triple large extra large underwear, sir.
Yeah, nothing of importance goes in that bag for me.
No, no, no. You could take my carry on.
I'll stop at a DXL, grab fresh stuff. Yeah.
My school bag, though, I got my my any my school bag.
Who is it? Richard Berkins, Tori Bir Burch, Ron Jeremy, whoever makes bags for ladies.
No, Lane Bryant. It is a lady bag, isn't it? It's Lane Bryant. It's not Lane Bryant. It's a nice leather book bag.
You got a school bag. Or ladies.
You got a school bag for fat chicks? It's Lane Bryant.
Am I Bethany Frankel?
I think it's Tory Burch. Okay. If Iany Frankel.
I think it's Tory Burch.
Okay, from that mistaken or who's the other guy? It's a broads bag.
We've gone over this.
Eddie Bauer.
No.
Yeah, Tommy Hilfiger.
I think I got it.
My the bird gave it to me.
I got it out of my girlfriend's closet.
Yeah, it's a lady bag.
Yeah, it does say daddy's girl on it.
It says it's not going to spank itself.
Back it up and dump it. It says it's not going to spank itself. Back it up and dump it. Yeah, that's in the sheet. That's got all my
stuff in there. I'll tell you exactly what's in my bag. We
travel my CPAPs in there. My charger, my Mandalorian action
figure and my X-Men spaceship compact tampons
some alcohol pads
Some cough drops some gum my keys some change my doll my joke book
That's about it uh-huh and my headphones God forbid you lose any of that
I'd be bad especially I lost a Mandalorian thing yeah, so my superstition. I got how do we move on?
All right, let's 48 let's see here
This one I never thought of this is from
Hang on so sorry to cut you off
Bringing the toys is a brilliant move because if you ever get jammed up at GSA
You can just claim that you're a complete fucking idiot.
Yeah.
I gotta have something, I play with it like,
before I go to bed or something like that.
Or I put my, I put the spaceship on my CPAT machine,
so when I'm falling asleep, I imagine myself in there,
flying around, sleeping, with like the X-Men around me.
Yeah, literally just say that to them
and they'll let you right through.
I mean, it's crazy you've made it this far.
It's crazy.
What?
What do you mean?
Where do you picture yourself going to sleep when you go to sleep?
You don't imagine yourself?
Sometimes I imagine that my apartment building is floating just above the city like that
and I'm in there sleeping.
Or I'm in, a lot of times, you know what I'm in is this for the Star Wars fans out there. I'm in the model of Princess Leia ship.
There it's called a Corvette. I can't remember the exact name of like it's some technical number and then it's called a Corvette. I imagine I'm sleeping in there.
That's real cool. And like a little bunk or like sleeping on the Starship Enterprise. You don't think you get a good night's sleep That's that's why I love the tour bus so much
I feel like I'm sleeping on the Millennium Falcon get a good night's sleep in there when you go to summer camp
Fucking weirdo Jesus Christ can't go this year. I got lice
Sometimes I hate everything.
Plus, my one cousin's gone and he told me there's spiders in the canoes.
So that's out.
Yeah. Remember those wolf spiders get you.
All right. Let's see here.
This one is a this is this were big
tipping. What's the word begins with a C culture culture? No, I can't think of it correspondence
Catalytic converter. Yeah, whoo, man. I school big what tipper say it. I can't think of the word. What the fuck
That's literally that's insane I can't think of the word. You go, what is it?
I don't know.
I just-
Connoisseurs.
No, I said connoisseurs.
Damn.
Proponents.
We think you should tip.
I don't know.
Campaign.
It's a C word?
You're a C word.
Is it a C word you're thinking of though?
I got a couple in mind.
Is it a C word?
I don't know.
You said it was a C word though.
I thought it was, but I can't think in mind. Is it a C word? I don't know you said it was a C word though I thought it was but I can't think of it
Okay
proponents
Okay, yeah, I don't know nothing
constitutions
fully say it I
Don't know what it is. Yeah, exactly. You just did that to me, but he knows what it is
No, I don't he knows what it is! No I don't! He knows what it starts with!
I think so!
He's set a C!
So do you!
You have all the information I have!
Catalysts!
Tipping catalysts!
You fucking Lunkhead!
We like tipping!
We're big tippers!
You tipped a boot!
I tipped that canoe, that's why I'm not allowed to back out summer camps!
Ah!
Cap size!
Yeah, no, okay.
Ummm... Constituents! Is that what you thought of? No, I don't know. That's why I'm not allowed to back out summer. Cap size! Yeah, no, okay.
Constituents. Is that what you thought of?
No, I don't know.
I'm not even sure if C is the right word.
We're well versed in the tipping universe.
Sure.
We were pro-tipping, you know, figuring it all out.
When and how to do it, right?
And constantly evolving and trying to figure that out.
Kip, let's talk about Adam and Eve.
Oh, Adam and Eve.
Ooh, wee.
Let's talk about naughty time, gang.
I'm jumping up.
Gang, you like having better sex with a partner or by yourself?
Mm-hmm.
Adam and Eve's got you covered.
We're talking about discrete packaging sent right to your door.
We're talking about butt plugs, talking about dildos,
talking about pocket vaginis.
I'm talking to you out there, big guy.
Hey, gang, it's a good time.
Do yourself a favor.
Put something in your butt.
What are we doing?
It's 2024.
Have some fun.
Adam and Eve makes your life easy.
They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority,
plus 100% free shipping with rush processing on your entire
order.
If you get, if you got a hard on, don't wait, gang.
They'll have it to you, dude. Hang in there big fella. That's 50% off one item free
shipping and free rush processing bring more pleasure and satisfaction to your
bedroom just go to adamandeve.com select any one item it could be an adventurous
new toy or anything you desire. Just enter code garbage at checkout. That's garbage. G-A-R-B-A-G-E at adamandeve.com.
This is exclusive offer specific to the podcast,
so be sure to use the code garbage to get your discount
100% deep free shipping.
And get it fast with rush processing.
Oh!
Code garbage! Give me a sandwich. Get it fast with rush processing. Oh! Go, Darby!
Give me a sandwich.
Your team requested a ride,
but this time, not from you.
It's through their Uber Teen account.
It's an Uber account that allows your
team to request a ride under your supervision
with live trip tracking and
highly rated drivers.
Add your team to your Uber account today.
and highly rated drivers. Add your team to your Uber account today.
I would like to get your take on this because I always try to put myself in a position where
I don't have to do this.
Is it garbage to ask for money back on a tip?
For example, you valet your car, all you have is a 20.
Is it garbage to say, let me get 15 back?
I don't think so. I don't think so. We know if
it's a twenty. Yeah, I've done that at the gas station where
I've gotten where they pump it. Give them the card. Fill it up.
Here's a twenty. Let me get fifteen back. The five's for
you. Yeah, you gotta say that. Yeah, that's okay. Or when I
will do it, I'll say, can you break this for me?
Can you break this for me?
That's a bit, hey, can you break this for me?
That implies that I'm tipping you?
And then they go, then you let them do the math, right?
If it's a 20, they'll go,
all right, I'll give you a 10, a five,
and then as they start counting up the five,
well, you typically already have the 10 and the five.
They'll hand you a 10, they'll hand you a five,
because the ones are on the out, like, you know?
And then I just go, that's for you. They don't even have to count them out. You keep them. That's a good question, too
How do you how do you how do you what do you think the?
Non garbage way is to break a twenty obviously a ten of five and five ones, right? There's a twenty
That's how would you like a hundred back? Hey, can you break a hundred?
They typically say how do you want it?
You know, it was always cool to me whenever my dad would get money out at the bank
Yes, he's getting like, you know a couple hundred by had to pay used to have to pay the bullies cash
You set to break the boys off cash sure and
They would so you have to we'd go to the bank and you have to get cash out and they would
They would so you have to we'd go to the bank and you have to get cash out and they were
How much large the teller what yeah, they didn't have that did some ATMs do that now, how do you want it? Oh, yeah, love that. Yeah, it was not in great neighborhoods
No, they are they're usually they're like a bank or something. Yeah, you know
You're not in a good neighborhood when the ATM and the bodega gives you tens
Sure dealers bitching at you last night. It did. Yeah really
Got tens. Whoo tens a tough look
Uh-huh did the ATM by my apartment in college in Northfield used to be able to take out five bucks
It was glorious cuz I had about eight in there. That's a couple of cheeky thing.
Yeah. I think if you're someone has you to break any,
I think any breaking of a hundred for 20s and a broken 20.
You said, well, I mean, well, what am I a fucking goddamn bank?
Who's got that on them?
What do you mean? Or I'm asking him.
Yeah, what am I asking somebody in a business? Not like somebody on the side.
Uh, I don't know. How much cash you got on you right now? What
do you got? Don't all right. I got a loose 20. Okay. I'm a wet.
I've been sweating. 2030 40, 50, 60. These are the 10s. What the
hell? These are all tens.
What did you get all that? The ATM machine on.
What were you taking money out of the ATM for?
To tip the fucking bartenders at the cellar.
You got to take care of them.
I got to take care of them.
I didn't have cash and I wanted to get there and order a drink.
And I always whack them on the first one real nice. Of course.
And but sometimes I want to use bang.
I wasn't waiting on my spot pay. Because sometimes that you know,
if there are the managers running around, I'm like, I want
to be here. So I always I try to put myself in a good position
to tip well. And in a way I don't feel weird because for so
long, I didn't have I mean, I was always a solid tipper, but I
never had the of course, I didn't have the means of course,
now I can go, oh, I'll stop and get some cash out.
Gotcha. You know what I mean?
Got I try to think ahead and also by that at the at the crib.
We get stuff delivered for the dog, dog food, fucking whatever.
They'll drop off, you know, like the local place will.
No kidding. Yeah.
Everywhere in New York delivers dry cleaner,
fucking laundry place, any deli deli's deliver this
guy talking though I had an office chair delivered to my apartment in 35 minutes
yeah don't get anything like the goddamn it up the ass but it got there
jerk it off in 40 buddy come on in I'm hard
Come on in, I'm hard.
Pulling it in an office chair is a tough look, but I've been there.
Most of my early whacking days were in, that was the only access to a computer.
That was the only access to boobs.
Drop it down.
Yeah.
Let me tell you, there wasn't always so plush. It was that old, like, it was like carpet on your bare ass.
That stuff, man, when that got hot, that was brutal.
Talk about sweating through.
Yeah, it was griff.
It was like burlap.
Yeah, it was very burlap.
It was very like tweed.
Can I tell you what the worst kind of sweat is?
Backpack sweat, where it's just your back.
Yeah, it's gross.
I don't have a sweaty back really.
I've got a sweaty everything else.
You get that Botox it will be leaking dude.
With the office chair,
there was always stages of the office chair.
There was the office chair is perfect.
It goes up and down, then it doesn't go up and down anymore.
Wheel falls off. Then a wheel falls off.
Then it's just on the ground.
And then...
Did you ever have?
Did you ever have the plastic mat that the chair sat on those things?
Never had one that was like
They sucked they never had one in his living room because that's where the computer if you caught one of those things I like I was in an insurance office. It's like buddy the vibes in your stank, dude
I was in an insurance office. It's like buddy the vibes in your stank dude
Got car mats everywhere
We had in my the first family computer wherever had was at the top of our stairs
No matter anything and it felt like you were you were getting on AOL on the edge of a cliff
Right behind you
Yeah, my but that was big, especially in my age growing up.
That's when personal computers, home computers, became very normalized and we were kids.
So it was like, where was it?
Kids did living room and then some of the other people
had a computer room, a basement.
I remember my first-
Ours was down in the basement. I remember my first ours was down the basement.
My buddy got one in his room. I can see these kids had cash.
Didn't see him for 10 years.
And he had one and his brother had one.
We would download
God damn every fucking piece of pornography on the Internet.
We go on to this thing.
Lime wire. How you doing in there like a boiler boiler room burning CDs. Do we look like God damn Sony?
It was like, I mean, we were talking about print and work, dude.
We were chopping and screwing, burning and turning.
We were moving product.
You made you guys do with your shirts off so you didn't steal.
Redbone. I don't.
Yeah, it was a red top. Red red. You're my American gangster. Yeah
Yeah, it was that was big access to a personal computer was very and then my first
Laptop I ever had was college
Was like go your that was it.
You got a computer when you went to college and that's what you need.
I got to do my papers.
I got to do the research.
I remember, I remember at compact got it at circuit city off route one.
Call that the spank bank.
That thing did a heavy lifting, dude.
Cause that was the first time you plugged into that ethernet in the dorms that thing
Well, it's fucking that was Elon Musk before his time. It gives that thing antibiotics
Dude I remember asking my mom for a for an Apple laptop and for Christmas
They pulled up with three Dells one for me one for my brother one for my mom
And then she goes I mean for the price of three of these it's what's one of those I was like
because it's significantly worse yeah that's why I'm just smiling with a huge
boner in his gym they're gonna be a good summer boy you all immediately take to Really think to me your room all right. I'll see you later. She's sitting up there drinking an eggnog
Quiet no one answered a phone
Jamie
Just as good may have been the biggest lie that was pervaded to me during my year
Thought that the off-brand was just as good as the Nets not like I that's that's crazy
To me because I would never we were not a family and still aren't that would have
Buy an Apple computer confidence. That's for a scientist to us. That's never this is the first Apple I've owned
Was when the show started doing well and I was still editing.
Fucking Nadine was like, yeah, and bought it for me.
It was on like a fucking three year payment plan.
The only Apple computer that my family ever bought was.
And I have watched you pull that laptop out of a backpack
covered in water somehow.
Yeah. Oh, yeah, it was in Texas.
You still have that thing. What? My backpack?
No, that old Apple that you had used to run the business on.
Yeah. Still got it.
It was before I before it was right on one hundred and forty nine dollar Lenovo.
That's what we were. That's what we were.
That was we were banging on.
I still have to talk about the computer that got into the moon.
It's like it's dumber than a buggy.
Size of my car.
Overshot the landing.
Yeah, everything was ran off the Lenovo.
And I still got to crack that open.
I can't throw that out, because that's
got some keepers on there.
You know what I mean?
Sure.
So like every now and then, there's
stuff just saved on it that I have to, I can't throw it out.
I got to keep that and the charger.
I hope I, yeah, every now and then, I
got to pull some stuff off her.
I've been wanting to break out my old the only Apple product hard drive man I
don't know how to do that I bought a Lenovo that's that's Apple confidence I
also I can't let you I can't I can't bring it into here to one of the tech
guys let them go snooping through my my fucking cookies and browser history no
way I'd rather just keep that in the bottom of my closet in case the fucking feds ever come.
We're good.
The only Apple computer we ever bought was my dad bought me an Apple desktop years in
the caramel man dipped in something.
That thing was covered in oil.
Oh, yeah.
About I had time.
I remember.
But I got some tracks bad timing. I remember.
But I got some tracks on there.
I've been wanting to go in and dig out.
Sure. You also were complaining about not having a computer.
We gave you one and then you never used it once.
When did you give me a computer?
We handed it to you.
I handed it to you literally a month ago.
Really? Yeah.
Is it an Apple?
Uh-huh.
Meh.
I got my phone.
Yeah, you don't need one. I don't need him with the computer asking class, just more questions.
Toby, what have you not learned?
I do my business on the phone.
Little pieces of the more information he has, the more anxiety there is.
There's more questions I got to fucking answer. More fights.
I I've been able to streamline the process pretty well so far.
Thanks, guys. Don't. Take a game boy.
You guys were playing that a couple weeks ago in the car.
That looked fun, I've got to be honest with you.
It was alright. Yeah, whatever that thing is.
What's that thing?
It's called an Anbernic.
It looks like a Game Boy, but it's got every system up to the PlayStation 2 on it.
All the games you could ever want.
It was a good time.
I was playing Medal of Honor. Killing Nazis.
Tommy was in the front seat going,
man, I can't believe I'm playing Dreamcast in a van.
Tommy looks weird in the front seat.
His head slouches down.
All right, let's see. This one's from Kayden.
Is it garbage to use the ice machine at my gym
to fill up my beer cooler?
Whoa, that's I respect it though.
Yeah. I mean, it's not classy ice machines are public, public
domain, especially if you're paying for it. You know, it's
got to be pretty nice gym. I don't think like blink fitness
or fucking now plan of fitness have that now you bring your
cooler in there, load it up, but it's got to be like a handheld
cooler can't be like a you can't be wheeling like the fuck. No
every bike. Yeah, of course. You got the fudgy wudgy cart. Yes
Free ice you filling up your cold plunge. Yeah free ice is that's that yeah, and they don't care that things making ice all fucking day
Yeah, they don't give a shit. They're not even using it
Really who's ice at the gym? What's that for anyway?
For like your knees and shit. I guess to ice stuff down for the personal trainers.
There's probably some sort of personal trainer rehab section.
I'd say it sounds like a nice gym. I don't know.
Yeah. I mean, you're asking me about I don't fucking know.
Yeah, I think that's OK.
As long as you don't tell anybody.
Yeah. And as long as you're not celebrate, you know what I mean?
You don't mean like that's a couple of scoops for a personal
like six back cooler. Yeah.
You know, it's not what it that's cracking the code tooops for a personal like six back cooler. Yeah, you know, I'm with it
I that's cracking the code to me. Yeah, you figured it the fuck out
I have the confidence to wheel a cooler past the front desk though
It's I mean, yeah, you can't be rolling in with like a huge e glue
It's got to be something you like put over your shoulder. So it looks like just your bag
Yeah, you know or I mean also you got to be doing it while you're at the gym
You can't stop on your way to the ballgame and fill up
You also, you gotta be doing it while you're at the gym. You can't stop on your way to the ball game and fill up.
Got your Cubs jersey on. Ha ha ha ha. They don't fucking know it. Volunteer work.
There's one thing that I've learned as I've gotten older
and I've we've you know, as we've hired people to work
like we've like asked and I've had a review.
I've never had to review a bunch of resumes.
You know what I mean? So this is the first time.
And there's nothing.
There's no you think there's rules to a resume.
There's nothing.
But whatever you want down, don't put something else down fucking lie
Yeah, they always made no one knows that going to the government. They're not fucking you know
Then the second notarized I think in like corporate America. Maybe it's a little I don't think that even I don't know man
I don't know anybody ever been such a fucking big deal about that shit
You got to put your volunteer work in your this and make sure it's double
space, triple space, single space and all this stuff.
Fuck you. And for restaurants.
And then you would go in and you'd be all like stiff
and you'd have the meeting with the manager, whoever the fuck it was.
And then fucking six months later, you're fucking splitting a bag with them.
You know, like, this is the guy. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Give me a fucking break.
Oh, that's pretty funny.
I could bring up my old resume.
Yeah, pull it up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Pull up the res.
Uh, yeah, this is from Jesus Christ.
I was sitting on resumes in 2020.
Loser. Um. You said one to me? That's how you got that gig. Christ, I was sitting on resumes in 2020.
Said one to me. So you got.
OK, here I have one. OK, from 2020.
Mm hmm. Whoa.
What were you thinking about doing?
Paying rent, dude, what are you talking about?
I was fucking jammed up.
Damn, this was in the middle of the pandemic, this was fucking son of a bitch you're thinking about jumping ship
why if you would have got like a big corporate job you would have iced me no
I just needed something I would have needed that Lenovo I damn this was the podcast was doing all right.
Is the podcast on there? No, you have comedy on there. My
professional resume. Okay, this is 1130 2020. Huh? 1130 2020.
So we had to these to these basement's basement what the fuck I don't make no sense
sandbag and son of a bitch or maybe maybe upgraded or looked at it on 11
on that date and it made that the date is that how that stuff works
oh no they got back to me in November I applied in August
what company?
my name is.
I don't know. Well, I couldn't pay rent.
What do you mean, you son of a bitch?
You were fucking cash and checks and fucking Uncle Sam.
I'm down here in the fucking trenches.
I was door dashing.
I was working for some got for some fucking weirdo
who's going through a divorce cooking his books for him.
Hey, don't you worry about my stimmy checks. Hi, my name
is Kevin Ryan. I like to be considered for the position.
This was real copy and paste. I was never did a cover letter
or nothing. I have years of administration experience and
some personal experience selling electronics through eBay.
Selling electronics through eBay? What, dude? What? Oh, I've
I guess it's-
What, were you selling those, those,
those oysters with pearls inside?
What job were you applying for that you had to be like,
yeah, yeah, I've sold meat out of a van.
I have years of-
You need speakers?
Hold on, let me hear that sentence again.
I have years of experience selling electronics over eBay.
I'm putting this together. I have years of experience selling electronics over eBay.
I'm putting this together. It was an online sales assistant for, I think,
a home shop that would sell on Etsy, eBay.
And so it was probably tracking orders
and shipping stuff out, I guess.
Uh-huh.
Did you used to sell stuff on eBay?
I've sold stuff.
This is where, this is a little bit of finesse.
You're pulling a little bit.
You got to sell the sizzle so they buy the steak.
I'm like a plate of fajitas.
You bought a sex doll on Facebook marketplace.
I used one. Yeah, dude, like a plate of fajitas, you're full of shit.
I have years of administration spelled wrong experience.
And is it? No, I don't know.
I mean, maybe and some personal experience selling electronics through eBay.
I think some personal experience.
I still be checking my personal file, my mixtapes.
I look forward to showing up late and leaving early.
What's the heater, Sitch?
I'll need to be informed of any local pizza places near your establishment.
Are you looking for any Rays, Rays original, traditional Rays?
Will there be diet coke supplied in the snack room?
All right. Here we go.
So for one of the I'm going to leave the other.
I'm going to leave the jobs out. Of course.
The title, the company's special kill, special skills, All right. Here we go. So for one of the, I'm going to leave the other, I'm going to leave the jobs out. Of course.
The title, the company.
Special kill, special skills,
turning a 30 minute lunch break into a cool 45.
The programs I was said I was proficient at
were Microsoft Office Suite.
Not true.
Okay.
MS Money.
Don't even know what that is.
QuickBooks.
I ruined our QuickBooks.
MS Money sends her mom sends money. MomMoney. It's your favorite rapper. ProLaw, Viewpoint, TimeMatters, PCLaw, and Juris.
What's Juris? I've never used it. I don't know. That's why it's at the end.
They gave up by the time they got there. It was something I was working a law firm, so it was something for like the state,
or you check files.
Sure.
I don't know.
Temple University, Fox School of Business, Philadelphia,
PA, Bachelor of Business Administration,
graduation December 2009, actually January 2000.
Who graduates in December?
Somebody's got to go back for a couple of points.
Did you have a graduation ceremony?
Yeah, in January.
Oh man, you and the night school people?
You don't graduate in the spring?
I walked in the, I couldn't graduate in the, you didn't graduate, why are you breaking my ball? Yeah it. I couldn't graduate in you didn't graduate
Why are you breaking my ball? I graduate in December like a loose graduate in the north face, dude. I
Left in the spring. I could tell me it was a p code. I left in the spring like a gentleman mid-semester
Yikes major marketing and then I was a
Major. Marketing. And then I was a, for one job, these are my responsibilities. Process reports for project managers, quarterly viewing payment history and
supplier history. Track labor schedule and reports to process and distribute
weekly payroll transactions. Man, a lot of fluff in here, dude. A lot of fluff. I feel
like it's all done in like 16-point font too, so it takes up more space.
Go to special skills or
Community service. I don't have it. You don't have like dialects or anything like that. I told you about jurists.
Dialects? It's not an acting resume.
Juggling or anything like that? Sports? It's all just like trumped up
Arrange online payment for real estate taxes and various weekly utilities.
Oversee onboarding of new clients to guarantee seamless transition of services.
That's pretty good. Hmm. Yeah, I'm a bozo.
I stink. I don't know what to tell you.
What do you want from me?
Yeah, but I landed some decent jobs back in the day.
I was always I was always, you know, I drove by that that joint you used to work at off Park Avenue near where that nice liquor
store was.
Yeah.
That did sound nice the way you had that joint.
It was a nice wine store.
Man, this, there was a deli.
I saw Neil deGrasse Tyson waiting for you outside.
He was waiting for me.
What the hell?
We got business together.
This is the biggest forehead in the known universe.
Get a load of this.
Stephen Hawking, his kid won't stop sweating.
No, I was waiting for you out there one time and he walked by.
Really?
Yeah.
Man, that deli that was underneath that.
Classy deli because it was like a professional...
Good spot.
Man, they had chicken parm that would blow your boobs off.
It's probably tanking now. Nobody's back in the office.
Yeah, it's tough.
But it is what it is.
We got to wrap it up, gang.
What a fun one. That was a good, good time.
Good time, gang. We love you to death.
Grab some tickets for the live shows.
Route 66 tour is on sale. Shows are selling out.
We're not sure if we can add them.
So don't snooze. Get them tickets.
Let me tell you this, that Route 66 is going to be a good time.
Chicago to LA, on the bus.
On the bus.
The boys.
Boom, boom, boom.
City, city, city.
Show biggest ball of yarn, biggest bottle of ketchup.
How you doing?
It's going to be fun.
Come see us, gang.
We love you and we'll see you next week.
Peace.