Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Bein' Garbage with Jordan & Ian!

Episode Date: December 30, 2024

Are You Garbage presents the Queen of Trash Jordan Jensen and of course, Cousin Ian! We're talkin' traveling in pairs, making your own Yogurt and going off the rails quite a bit! You know Ian and Jordan from stand up comedy, Bein' Ian with Jordan, The Adam Friedland Show, Stavvy's World, RIP with Jordan Jensen, Kill Tony, Harland Highway, The Joe Rogan Experience, Your Mom's House, First Date and there specials "Wild Happy & Free" & "30 Minutes with Jordan Jensen! Thanks for watching Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast. Come to a live show! AYG & Friends: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ BlueChew: https://bluechew.com Dollar Shave: Visit https://dollarshaveclub.com/GARBAGE and use promo code GARBAGE for 20% off $20 or more Sheath: https://sheath.com with promo code GARBAGE Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to another exciting edition of R U Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R U Garbage you garbage sure about that? So we sit there with your favorite comedians and we find that they're good to be classy Yeah, they're just a big old piece of trash trash trash trash. I'm your host a truly coming at you on a beautiful day We're out back here at Tooties in a new edition. She's upstairs in a k-hole

That's one of our good friends on page, but I can't remember the name right now I want to say Clive over there Gary Ohm, but I could be wrong. Either way, it was a fucking home run. Okay. My co-host is coming at you from a little too close right next to me. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He is an international businessman. I think he's at his wit's end right now.

Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What's up, gang? Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube and obviously the greatest website of all time. www.patreon.com slash REgarbage. Love that money, gang. Yes, sir. And gang, we could not be more excited to have two incredibly special guests

back with us again today. It's the Bugs from Men in Black. Sugar water. One is a rising star. One is a rising star on the comedy scene and the other one is hanging on by a thin thread. What the fuck? You guys guess who's who. Jesus Christ, lady.

One is over-medicated. One is under-medicated. We'll let you guys decide on that. You know her from her fantastic podcast, RIP with Jordan Jensen, and both of them from the fantastic podcast, Bein' Ian with Jordan. Ian Five-Ans and Jordan Jensen and both of them from the fantastic podcast be an Ian with Jordan sure Ian finance and Jordan Jensen Respectively you gotta go get paper towels already

Get off the phone She's worried about let her go you're girl you're yelling at her for yeah, and she called she couldn't she couldn't find goodies You're yelling at her on the phone nice to her Yelling at her I was supporting her it's like it's like we're in class and there's a substitute teacher Can I say this please I should probably say this off the air But it's copyright age Foley you should do an animated series where you guys like like Muppet babies But you're both prese in preschool You don't think that'd be fun

Yeah, there you go What? You don't think that'd be fun? I think it'd be funny. We had an idea kind of close to that. Yeah. There you go. About us being kids. There you go. That would be cool if it was animated and then our adult animated selves were in it too. It'd be cool if we were in it as ourselves when we're older, but the kids version of

us as little kids because I talk to it- Wait, what are you guys doing there then? Hey guys, I gotta be honest with you, I'm out. I'm pulling the funding on this whole project. That'd be fun though if we were animated kids. Like Muppet Babies. Yeah! But you guys are terrorizing the rest of the kids. Yeah! Yeah.

Welcome back to the Goofball Brothers. Jordan's walking around with a gun in his hand. I had such a weird when we were just in LA and like Luke Bonas was in the back of the car and me and Ian were talking about... Do you guys travel together? No, it just works out Were you both out there at the same time separately yeah, yeah

Cycles of linked up did you have to tell the governor? That's what all the drones are about When we fly out of Newark at the same time, they're like, make it turrets covered. They're going to shoplift everything. But we were scaring Luke. We were talking about. Yeah, you're both crazy.

I mean, we were? Remember how we were talking about, maybe it wasn't there, but we were somewhere just talking about our childhoods. Maybe it was a steakhouse. Oh, at the steakhouse. About sexual exploration with other people when we were younger, and he was like you guys are sick And I didn't even realize yeah, that's a nice way to say molested. Yeah What was weird is you're about telling the waiter this story over over the calamari or derv's we were like oh, yeah

What was this? What type of horters do you have here? I'm not allowed to have sugar It was in between eating off other people's plates and the fried pickles that they took away from our table And you got so bad you were like these aren't ours, and they took them away, and you're like oh my god our table and you got so bad. You were like, these aren't ours. And they took them away. And you're like, oh my God. How that is a little weird. They drop you that.

And I was in the middle of grabbing them while they were taking them away. And they they we were like, no, keep them free. You can't give that to another table. At that point, that's on the restaurant. I think it was a fancy move like, oh, I'm so sorry. I kind of understand that. They're serving fried pickles and doing fancy moves. Come on, what are we doing?

It was a good steakhouse? What was it smokehouse smoke across from us? That's like a we universal lot Okay, brothers. Yeah, the Warner Brothers and who went you to us and we brought our son Luke your son Luke And who picked up this bill me? Say me because I knew that You do that multiple times you've done that like three times and we get into a fight every time you're right You do you go I bought food for everybody and I go to a tree. I respect the dirtbag move my I also have a patreon card. I easily could

Pulling out your patreon card and quit the vape She's snoozing. She fucking vapes. She does these out these fucking tobacco packs. I'm gonna rip a cigarette and she's like, you're killing yourself. I've never seen a girl put one of those in. That's crazy. Have you never met Ice Fox? By the way, I saw the clip.

I saw a clip with Dirty Knees. On your pod with her sister. Have you met the sister? Oh, yeah. I feel like that both of them could be that most comedians in the city Oh, yeah, she used to beat the shit out of me. So I had to get it's gotta be a tough broad. Yeah Going toe-to-toe with you. I watched it in her family's like fucking kit from a league of their own I was kit though. She was...I was Doddy. Foley was Rosie?

Yeah. I was a little kid with the chocolate bars. I was not Marla. Marla, hooch. You were Madonna. I wish. Oh, Marla the ugly chick? She cracked dingers though. She was a good asset to the team.

So hold on. Yes. Now when you both say that you have a Patreon card, what does that exactly mean? Your company card. The business card. The company card. I have the company card. Uh-huh.

And I used it to buy us dinner. A year of the year dinner. But Jordan also has one. No. I have it on my phone. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. Okay. Yeah, but I have the actual phone.

But it comes out of the patrons. Yes. So that would be the company paid for dinner. Yeah, so the company paid for dinner. Tap, tap, tap. Okay. Yeah, but I have the actual phone. But it comes out of the page. So that would be the company paid for dinner. Yeah, so the company paid for dinner. But he always said he did. I know, because in my mind, I'm the one that took the card out. That's not true. That's not true. I'm not trying to stolen Valor fucking taking money, giving money. This is the most dirtbag conversation.

I had the card, so I said me. You're imagining who picked it up, yes. But we, it's the patreon there was a woman taking photos and we convinced Ian when he went to the bathroom we told the woman that she could come back and take photos like because they sell a postcard with your face and I was convinced him that it was a big fan and she was gonna to talk about that? No, I didn't. It was in my bag. That's crazy.

Look, you can see we have the knives up to each other and Jordan is actually sticking the knife in my throat. Marla whoosh. I'm not saying I've been to a lot of fancy restaurants. Ten dollars. But I don't know many where they go around with cameras taking pictures of people like you're on a god damn roller coaster.

Yeah, well they were like Oh, she's a fan of yours, but she wasn't a fan of mine. Well fuck her then fuck her Was she a fan of anybody at the table? She didn't know you were there and she goes around and takes pictures She was a fan of when we left With the fire you don't say Take a picture with my phone, and she was like I can't yeah she's like I really can't do that yeah she has to charge for the pictures she doesn't have to do anything she could have had the goodness in her heart to do it and you two or something else what can I drink this yeah have some what's the matter with you

with who was you're not having fun no me I mean the second try one of these roads no give me the second you two walked in here the vibes completely changes Oh, yeah, good way in a fun way. I love how I want died when you walked in How do you do this you just pop it in like this? Put in your butthole upper Decker This is gonna make me puke Made you poop it made me poop in a um This is anywhere, but a bathroom we got a problem Well it was a bathroom

But it was in a nail salon that was four feet by four feet and I blew it the fuck up because I took antibiotics I'd day and then this hit and then I went into the bathroom And I came out I was like Caitlin We I was there with Palufo and she was getting nails and I was like we have to go we have to go we have To go and she's like I still have to dry and I was like we need I'll tell you this speaking of blowing up. I blew up the Denver Airport bathroom. I shit so hard it went up my back I had to wash my clothes How are you two just traveling like this?

What I didn't have that many away games. Did you guys stay at the same hotel where you were? No no What'd you say I stayed at the Ramada? window quit bragging Out by the airport. It's a trash hotel. I love it the first time I ever stayed there There was a guy on meth going to the guy at the county. Yeah, you. There's a man in my room. Look. And it was just a video of nothing.

And the guy goes, sir, if this happens every week, why do you continue to stay here? Because it's cheap. And I was like, yeah. I like the free breakfast. There's a man in my room and a photo of nothing is so funny. Look at him staring at us. That's so scary.

So what do you do for a living, bud? Trying to make friends with them? I'm like, there can be another man in there. Did they take your fried pickles, too? And Jordan, where did you stay? Steph Tollips. OK, you stay with a friend. All right.

No, she was out of town. OK. Now, do you make yourself comfortable in a situation like that? Real comfortable? Or do you mind your P's and Q's? I would make myself comfortable. You think she's ever been comfortable? I ate all her honey, so I had to buy a new thing of honey, and then I ate all that one too.

What, are you a bear? Who eats that much honey? I love honey. I love honey more than... I love honey and whipped cream. I have to have locks on my cabinets because she comes in and eats all your honey. I love honey more than I love honey and whipped cream. I have to have locks on my On my cabinets because she comes in I thought you meant salmon You really have locks on your Because of her now locks on your cabinet and it works for the cats It's a friend of yours. She if she comes over to the house is she allowed to have whatever she wants in the fridge

Yeah But she doesn't add she just goes in and just roots through it and stuff ends up on the floor and then immediately I'm like that's eight weeks old don't eat that's happened a lot where I go and I eat his leftovers and then he turns around it's like no and he's like that's moldy and I'm like I like it when I got the new cat Glenn shout out Glenn, I love you So he's in rehab right now Wi-Fi he'll check it out. He he was stopped. Oh, he was

Harden I've never wait. This is also I've never seen Ian in like the mature. Yes, it's freaking me out Thank you. Usually you're the one on a leash You're really keeping her corralled over there So she comes over Glenn's new he's been there for a week. I got a water. Glenn just started working here He's still trading I got a water bottle to spray him when he goes for the food You know for like two weeks I had to eat standing sounds like you're in jail Glenn just got here. He keeps eating my shit I had a fight him in a bathroom. I don't take my commissary card. I don't walk around holding the inside of Glenn's pocket So what do you wait hold on what he goes after what food when you're eating the food on the counter

And then when I was eating I couldn't eat sitting down because he would lunge at the food. He's a kitten. He was three months old So I was eat standing up Psychotic it was so much better, but it was very funny because I have a water bottle So when he was going for the food, I'd spray him and he this thing into my thing and nuts and Glen goes to eat the thing and nuts from her hand I spray Glen she grabs an orange out of my hand I And they both scurried away to the same part of the room

Like this is how hobos hang out the cat moved out shortly after this What's wrong with you? This row is not good. That was her candy cup. Oh, she's done with it. I ate it immediately. You think the candy's a survivor on her? I feel like we're out to eat with children right now. Hey, that's her candy.

Get that out of your mouth. Do you have an iPad? Luke, do me a favor. Get the water bottle, will you? These two need a squirt. Jesus Christ. This is as beautifully chaotic as I expected it to be. Well it sounds like you guys are doing great. To be honest with you.

Things are good. What airline did you fly out? Delta. Both of you Delta? I flew first. Very nice, like the face throw. But you stayed in a friend's. I was praying for an upgrade Literally in the green room at the store down with the luggage up everybody knock on wood Did I get a delta one upgrade you weren't close? I was so I was one out of you guys on the same flight

No, I flew out a day earlier than her FA rules There was not a lot be in the air. There's only one marshal on the plane at a time. I only got one set of handcuffs. What are we going to do? I want to be more put together. Nikki Glaser went on stage last night and I had to go after her and I felt so...

I was like, different woman! This is a different woman now! You should have just went up as a dude, it would've been easier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. An easier swing. It was so hard. Ah.

Ah. Do you like flying up front? I'm sweating. I like the... I do. Lay down because I have a puppy and we snuggle. You bring the dog with you? Everywhere.

Okay, that's nice. Yeah. All right. I just took her to the vet today, they said she's in perfect health, perfect weight, caliber, size. Dude, she feeds the dog eggs, it eats off the floor, it farts, it smells. They said she's in perfect health, perfect weight, caliber. Dude, she feeds the dog eggs. It eats off the floor.

It farts, it smells. Oh, she's farts. So does she. Holy shit. Yeah. I like the shells myself. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Wait, are you feeding the dog only people food? Like what, like, new v- No, I stopped feeding her an egg every day. Now she eats it every other day for breakfast when I have to eat my eggs. And but no, she's period and puppy chow. And sometimes she's a good girl. She gets meat. Gets what? Meat. Meat.

It's like steak. And then she farts. She farted. Do you cook? Saves them for the podcast. New York Comedy Club two nights ago, and I gave her all the grizzle off the steak and oh, she was fart dog, but she was happy. What steak steak that you cooked for dinner for yourself? No. God. What? Where'd you get a steak? My kitchen is like where I keep my clothes in the oven.

I got a blouse coming into 350 if you need it. Ding! Socks are done. It's nice. You can heat them up. Where'd you get the steak from? Ground. You know how they order it from the Brazilian? You order that in the green room. Very nice. Okay.

Where was this again? Stanford, Connecticut. Oh, you were in Stanford. Great club. Very good club. We just did a couple weeks ago. Great green room. And perfect for doggies.

Perfect for doggies. Yeah, one of the servers there has a little doggie. I really want to bring my cat on the road. That'd be so fun. You can't do that. That would be insane. That would be so nice. He ends up at the front desk. There's my cat on the road. That'd be so fun. You can't do that. That's crazy. That'd be so nice. He ends up at the front desk.

There's a cat in my room. But I got Glenn to be buds with Samson while I'm on the road, because Samson would get upset when I was gone. And I got. Who's Samson now? My other cat. My roommate.

Yeah, my roommate. And so when I come home from the road now, Samson doesn't cry because he's got Glenn. But I want to take him on the road. He's crying when you come home from the road. Have you picked up't cry because he's got Glenn, but I want to take him on the road. He's crying when you come home from the road. Have you picked up on that? Because he's upset. That you're back.

No, that he misses me. Fuck! Ah, damn, I thought he was going for good this time. Glenn, I thought you changed the locks. Guys, quit screwing around. Daddy's home. I said that last night. Daddy's home. You could bring.

Hello, boys. You could bring him in a crate. But then you'd have that, no. I know, he'd turn Australian. Yeah. But I don't want to. He's playing a didgeridoo. I don't want to leave one of them alone.

The whole reason I got Glenn is to be Sampson's buddy. That would be cool. You'd be that comic bringing two cats around. two cats around oh really get a good rep for yourself cool it's so much cleaner than a cat is like hot smelly ammonia piss yeah cat cat piss is notoriously cats piss in a box because they're polite they don't piss in public on the floor isn't your dog dog a puppy? She's a year old thing. She's very big. I don't know if you guys picked up.

Ian is significantly jealous of this dog right now. She well, I would love to take my loved ones on the road. We wake up in the same bed and she gives me kisses. So do I. I'm never alone. It's really nice. It deals with the codependency thing. Do they both have court- court appointed pets at this point

You guys need something to sell you down The vet today was like you need your dog on a leash And I was like, but she likes to be naked and they were like woman, please I'm just don't use a leash for the dog not in the airport not at the comedy club Not you crazy. Are you gonna put a leash on your daughter? It's weird, okay? She's smart. Dude, can I tell you something

and then we're gonna move on? Folks, real quick from Helix. Um. Okay, let me tell you how. It's Helix. This episode's sponsored by Better Health, okay? Okay, let me tell you this because it blew my mind and I was almost crying with pride.

Okay, I was in my house. I have severe OCD. I gave my dog the end of the peanut butter jar. I said, I'm gonna talk to my managers, you let that out clean. She said, got it. Then I came back, peanut butter jar was gone. Could not find it anywhere, triggered my OCD,

had to find it, couldn't leave the house before I found it. That's why I'm late, okay? So then I finally- This is today? Yes. It was just now. So then I was panicking and I was like, where's the peanut butter jar, I have to find it.

And then I went, fuck it. Coyote and I brought a jar out of the cupboard and I said, and I pointed to it and I went, where is it, and she went oh yeah, and she went off and found the peanut butter jar and showed me where it was. And I was, that's crazy! That's cool.

That's pretty good. Did she actually say oh yeah, I know what you're talking about? She looked at me like I was retarded and was like oh yeah, it's over here, and went in a hidden corridor where she had stuffed it away and was like this is what you're talking about? Yeah, and I was like that's a good dog

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We get to the park and then she's unleashed any if I'm a dog parker is it a park park? It's prospect park big park. Okay legal. Yeah, I got it And I gave them not even anything about about and she's like this is your problem I'm saying it for the safety of your dog. There could be another big dog around that you can't grab her So she's very if a big dog. She runs out of the street or something. It's too big of a park and she's very smart She's like insanely smart told you about the peanut butter. Yeah And she's very smart. She's like insanely smart. She told you about the peanut butter Proof you need dude. I also trained her the first six months. I had her We I had a 30 foot long leash

So I had her on this super long leash and then I would teach her recall and I only call her coyote when I'm Picture that picture like some type of al-qaeda training. Yeah dogs doing the monkey I pictured you with like a thing in your arm where a hawk Recall recall one of those big oven mitts on Guy gave me a ticket the other day and he's like your dog was off leash and I was like you got a ticket For you to get a ticket. How much is that? From a cop right in the trash. I Was like I don't have my license. I mean he's like, okay

What's your first last name and I said my mom's my middle name in Friday So I said Jordan Cosentini and he's like, okay wrote down and I was like Do you ever have people giving you like the wrong name and he was like, yeah But you know and I was like it probably happens so much you're good at telling when people are lying and he was like a hundred Percent I can see it a mile away and I was like great and I took the ticket that had the wrong name dude That is like when someone kills someone and then they show up at the scene of the crime Do that wow How much was the ticket I think it was like a hundred bucks or something really it was it what can they do that on my

License they can't do anything with it. Yeah, it's weird You don't was it a was it an NYPD officer or like a park ranger? It was a part Do you have a gun no gun? Oh fuck him? Clipboard mm-hmm he had a clipboard put him on a leash. I tell you what he could do with that We always run away from them that's our favorite game run away from the guys But sometimes they just don't have the energy sure wait you actually run away from oh yes we are fastest I would love to see that CCTV footage okay oh yes baby split up with me back in the apartment she runs and I go or sometimes I go she's a rabbit that's not even my dog cuz she looks

like a rabbit a little bit scatter just take me out of the woods yeah I mean I yeah okay Jordan gives a ticket back touch black. No tray back Hello doctor, okay Okay, all right, so you're both in LA Here's your back Yeah, things are going better than ever. Uh-huh. These are great What's new? What's new for the new year? What do you have plan anything is do you have any resolutions?

right Alright for that yeah, I have resolutions what to not get back with my ex to become incredibly ripped Which is you're doing a great job by the way? Yeah, your ex-girlfriend your Instagram stories and show me guns Look at that. Oh ah Yo, and to be able to do I want to do five pull-ups next year you guys both have similar tattoo styles Is it funny minor all color and hers are black and white that's hilarious the only time she's ever gotten color was when I was there And sagalow sagalows every other for color one. You guys get tattoos together? Mm-hmm, we're matching tattoos.

What are they? Product of New York. They're coffins that say Product of New York. It's a coffin that says Product of New York. It's a logo from a great hardcore band called Incendiary. Shout out, shout out, shout out. Shout out, Incendiary. I just got this one for Glenn you

already got a tattoo of him he's my guy I'm scared to do a coyote tattoo because I think it's symbolic of death and I don't want to put him on a leash you want to worry about it she's not she's very good and I would rather have she doesn't what about other dogs what is that I just other dogs attacking her I go like this she runs towards a dog if they go watch I go like that if they go like this I go leave it and then she goes up. She's there. She's a freaking cop dude. She's like a Boston little cop She's so smart you give your dog this and they know you know my email Get out of my personal files

He's like ah so you're playing Your prescription is about to expire. It was like discount. I was like I'm going We got to pay your Netflix bill look over my bank account. So I always read people's texts and they get mad I know I can't help it. It's like I have to do it Uh-huh, I found myself one time when I played my phone died I just started reading the guys next to me like looking at his phone. You ever watch you got him I just need all phone Said this don't care who's in. Has somebody already said this a million times,

you ever on a plane and you just end up watching, you have a movie going but you watch their movie? I do that with a guy. Paulie's got a really bad bit about it right now. That's my goddamn opener. Luke, cut that. He's ever been on a plane. Is that like a thing that people know and talk about but I

75% of the time if you're in a low rent area, they don't really know about Graham more bus people I don't think I have any resolutions. I would get some. I don't know what to tell you. I'd figure some stuff out. You want to do the coffee thing? Coffee enemas? What's that?

The coffee, the coffee, what's it where you do AA service and have a coffee hour? Oh yeah, I wanted to get a coffee commitment at my home group. Girlfriend, boyfriend. No, I don't want to do that. Hold on, hold on. Back up to coffee commitment. You want to what? In recovery meetings, there's different roles. And I want to get the coffee commitment where you show up

early to make a semolina focaccia. You know, I've had it to be honest. Semolina focaccia. Do that airplane thing. I was naming different roles. Focaccia threw you off. No, I know Focaccia, but what's Semolina? Semolina roll.

What is that? He even called that at the board authority one night. I got a bad case of the Semolinas. I'm sorry. Anybody know a doctor? Go ahead. I'm interested in this. You want a coffee commitment.

You want to serve the coffee. That's a resolution? You want to make commitment. Yeah, you want to serve the coffee? Yeah Yeah, that's a resolution you want to make coffee. Yeah, cuz I've never done that before and it forces you to go to meetings Yeah, well you would do it all the time not just one time. No, no like it's like once a week. Okay? Yeah, yeah, so I'd like to do that and I'd like to Terry flips a pad asking for tips Be right up. It's like 50%, 75%. He's making people follow him on Instagram.

And you know I have a podcast. Patreon.com slash B&E and Pad. OK, so you want to do that? I also would like to get back into the gym because I have had a lot of injuries this year. And I got hit by a car, didn't you? Yeah. Yeah, I'll look at car, didn't you? Yeah. Yeah, I'll look at her.

She thinks I milk it. What? You do like attention. Well, yeah, but not that kind. It's true, I am injured. And I went down to Florida to get the platelet therapy. Shout out Dr. Bill Bonner. It's true, I am injured.

Who, Bill Bonner? Bill Bonner. Bill Bonner. my doctor down in Florida He's any of the jury members out there who 22 miles of blood spun it around turning into plasma. I got those injections Why'd you go all the way down there? They do that here. I was gonna do that for my hair They haven't taken yet. They have you gonna do it for your hair. I was thinking about don't do it. Let it be natural Just go okay guy. He's just not do it Be like me

I'll never forget when yamanika said you have the hairline of a rattlesnake Wait hold on a second what what does the plate let's have to do with your injuries just from the car accident What do you mean it didn't take it well it takes a lot human to? From the car accident? What do you mean it didn't take? Well, it takes a while. He's not human, too. It takes a while. He's blood teeing out like a fucking horseshoe crab.

It's all blue. Mr. Finance, I think you're a Klingon. I didn't know you speak multiple languages. Is that Klingon? Both of you had to have fake languages when you were a kid, I would assume, and imaginary friends. The follow- They still do.

Yes. I didn't have friends to make fake languages with. OK. I had imaginary tigers, and I spoke that language. Remember where people go like, follow fuck, you la foo? Remember that one? Huh? I la fi, la la fov, you la foo, remember that one? Huh? I la fi, la la foo, you la foo, you la fian.

Pig Latin? I don't know, but that's what it was. That's not Pig Latin. That's not Pig Latin. That's what like, Tiger Latin. That's what LARPers would do, like all the Lord of the Rings nerds taught me that. We played poker and only speak in that language.

Played poker? Yeah, a lot. As a kid? Yeah. I think you told us this. I played poker in high school. We used to run poker games at parties. I played in middle school, cut his mic.

Great. I played poker in high school. We said we used to run middle school art is Mike The natural competition You had imaginary tigers as friends growing up yeah, what were their names Grasje and tiger I had an imaginary best friend that was a deer named Venatio. Oh, I know this. That's nice. Yeah. Yeah, I like that. I had tigers and they came with me anywhere. I walked on either side of me. And I would always make my dad open the door for the tigers as well.

And he was very nice. What age are we talking? Well, 19, early 20. Yeah, I think for a while. Was it really? Yeah. Pandemic really got the best of me. early 20. I think college was a weird time. Yeah. Pandemic really got the best of me.

It is crazy how there are so many resembled, such a resemblance with you two. Yeah. Of personality. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. I don't like that. Get out of here, Vala Hulu. What the hell is a tiger's name?

Falafaki. oh, Raja. Followfucky, followfuckyou. Raja, which is the tiger's name in Aladdin. Oh, yeah. Because I wanted to have sex with Aladdin. I had the sexual desires about him. I went and I was a Jasmine. He was all right. They were both all right.

They were good looking. Yeah, really hot. Yeah. I wanted to be Jasmine. I'll give you that. I had a crush on Ariel, Jasmine, and Bambi. Bambi was a boy, did you know that? That kind of explains a lot.

Why Bambi was a girl? I don't know, it was like... You had a crush on her? Wait, Bambi's a boy? Bambi's a deer, first of all. That's what I thought. I wasn't familiar with the movie. She's talking about an animal.

Okay. Let me bring up the speed. Hold up a second. Maybe it's a deer. I love that's where that's that's the bulb of reality bubble. I liked Roger Rabbit's girl. Jessica Rabbit. Big crush. Yeah, she's all right. Mm hmm. He was all right. Yeah, I'm like Roger Rabbit. He is Roger Rabbit in what sense? And because I'm a silly cartoon and a fuck out. He like Roger Rabbit. He is Roger in what sense? Cuz I'm a silly cartoon and a fuck hot chick is Roger rabbit

He's always touching people and you know being like There's also a private eye carly looking for any of you do bits America, and I lose my mind I'm sorry. Please. Please, Eddie. Give me a kiss. Cool. What were your resolutions? The pull ups? Five pull ups. How many can you do? You can do one now. That's pretty good.

That's pretty good. Thank you so much. I was only ever able to do one when I lost weight. It's so hard. And I want to be able to do 50 push ups. Wow. In one sitting? Yeah.

Wow. And I don't want to, and I want to be able to do 50 push-ups in one sitting. Yeah Wow and I don't want it and I want to not get back together with my act boyfriend Is this the same not that's me personally. Yes, is this the same dude? Yes, so when I hear you doing bits about yeah It's the same guy the whole time same guy every time and it will never stop. I Really turn the knife on Do you know this gentleman? Yeah? No, we're not getting in we're not getting into it even though The loophole is if we become completely no people. There's no loophole. Shut the fuck up. There's no loophole. It's not happening

There's always a loophole. I've never heard anybody take relationship advice from Ian. I'm a good advice giver. He is. What do you think she should do? Girl, don't get me started. No contact. Block, delete, move on.

No dating for a while. People always say block and delete. I'm like, you don't think I've done that I have the number memorized by on my no I had for a long time with with a drug dealer. It was like to my biggest mistake. Yeah, memorize this number Yeah, so like if I didn't have it, so I remember I Didn't memorize it couldn't get in touch with him for a while and then my boy gave it to me and then I Memorized it and you don't even know you're memorizing it You're just like I'm just looking at it for a while. I knew I was

Fucking happen to me Ruin a Friday night. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm very good at giving advice I think you should try dating a man next year me. Yeah It's in the cards, I'll take Let's give it a shot. We'll see what's in the cards. I'll take you out. I had a couple of fried pickles. Henry? I had a date with a fella a couple weeks ago.

It was amazing. What's that look like? We, dude, he came over and we, what? This is how I talk when I'm with men. It was amazing. It was amazing. We'd listen to Steely Dan smoke cigarettes, played my wrestling video game.

Oh, just a couple of boys. And sucked each other's dicks. It was incredible. I was with you right up until that. Loser sucks the other one's dick. What do you know? My controller's not plugged in. I was with you until Steely Dan entered the picture.

What? Steely Dan's great. Who sits around and listens to records records me. Why don't you go to a movie dinner? Phone was in a plastic cup so it was louder. Yeah, you do that. I do that But uh, yeah, maybe I'll date a fella maybe Maybe, you know, I this is going to be, you know, twenty twenty five. I'm excited. Is this your year? This is my year. Are we looking at an Ian glow up? I'm turning 40.

Well, December 30th, two shows, Rhode Island, Providence, Comedy Connection, eight and ten thirty tickets still available. It's still available. It was all just a ruse to know. Tickets still available. Tickets still available. That was all just the ruse to get your plug in. No, but I'm turning 40 on December 31. OK. I'm going to be 40, 20, 25. Oh my god, I forgot you're in New Year's.

Feeling alive. It's so good. Thanks so much. Yeah, it's really fun. Is your birthday on a holiday too? No way. Yes. It is.

It's 28th. It's Memorial Day. It's what? It's typically Memorial Day. Man, that's weird. Both of you have birthdays on a holiday? Crazy, right? Yeah, you are. You're pretty nuts, Every. No

kidding. Yeah. What are you guys doing on December 31st? Come on up. I'm gonna be in Rhode Island. Me? Are you serious? Oh my god, Ian. What in the name? Come over to my hotel and play video games I'm gonna be in Rhode Island me You like Steely Dan you smoke six to cap don't That's a guy looking for a connection It's gonna be a shit show it It's gonna be so fun. Those people are already so wasted in Rhode Island

Why don't you guys come what are you doing? I love guns One thing at a time. Did you ask him about guns or he just ran? Do you have a slingshot? Hey you Dennis the menaceico? That actually adds up. One of those serious ones like a wrist. Right. Yeah, I got those are great. Those will kill you, right? Did I tell you? I mean, they are first for gophers.

I used to I got one for a guy was the first five reason I got really a gopher was in my back. So many gophers. Yeah. Did you try it? It wasn't that I had. So when I hit them with when I hit their little bodies, I would just bounce right now Didn't do anything. It's so hurtful back at home on the farm This is when I lived up in at the Adirondacks. I used to shoot squirrels with a BB gun Sheet underwear ladies and gentlemen

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Why were you shooting the gophers? Because I didn't have any money so I had to grow my own food. So I was making yogurt and kale. And kale, they kept eating the kale so I had to get the slingshot to hit them with so they would leave the kale alone. So why did you shoot squirrels for my grandfather's garden? Well, just for a little bit I lived up in the mountains. You didn't have to grow all your own food. You had access to some food.

Were you working? Yeah, but I was working. On the chain gang. What the fuck? I was working in gopher pelt at the time. I was painting, I was working on a craft center. I was doing masonry on a craft center. But then you had to pay the money to get there

and then I had to suspend a license so I kept getting arrested for that. And then I kept having to unsuspend the license and I needed the truck to get to. And then I had to suspend a license. So I kept getting arrested for that. And then I kept having to suspend the license and I needed the truck to get to work. And I get stuck in these pickles and food was. I'm hungry. And you also had to go all the way down the mountain if you wanted to get food.

And I, kale and yogurt are perfectly sufficient. You made your own yogurt? Yes. You didn't tell us this the first time. You should have opened with that. There's so much. There's so much stuff too. And it bothered me, not bothered me a little bit

that I was, there's so much stuff we didn't get to and the comments were like, they didn't even get to this. Then I'm like, that should have been the lead off. I forget what they were, but they're a lot. Who were you living with there? Solo? Look at him, Davy Crockett. My ex-boyfriend.

How old were you? We were 21. This is after college. This was, we took a break during college. We also lived in Chicago and did roofing. But then we moved to the Adirondack so that he could make ceramics. And then we tried selling those, and that didn't work.

So you made your own yogurt. Yeah, you take a dollop of yogurt. Sounds like it took place in the 1700s. Yeah. And then you should hear a story about getting dysentery. I got Jardia. What's that? Jardia.

Well, Jardia was- I've heard- That's like an ozempic, isn't it? Yeah, it sounds like a medicine they sell you late at night. No, it's where you poop and vomit for weeks. I had that for years. You're eating gopher, are you? It's called alcohol withdrawal.

How do you make yogurt? I've been there. You put a dollop of yogurt in the bottom of a container, then you fill it up with whole milk and then you wrap it in a sleeping bag and let it incubate. And you just like put it in a dark, cool space and it turns into yogurt. Under what circumstance? You make the yogurt with yogurt? You need the live cultures from the yogurt.

So you get one container and then you can make a billion. Yeah, we should make our own yogurt on the podcast. I mean, that'd be cool. It would take five minutes and then, and then we how long you have to wait to let it sit for I think like a week Kevin under what circumstance what I eat Jordan's homemade yogurt that was in a sleeping bag Nuclear Holocaust would have to happen for me to even start thinking about it. We have to be out of kale and go for And then I'd start fucking thinking about on the one hand you got me like when I come over listen to stealing Yeah, and she's like want to make yogurt in my sleeping bag in the same nightmare And that's what you were on. That's what you were living off of Yeah, and we would go to the this was a good hack. We would build fires

I would put potatoes in the fire with with tin foil okay I'm on that I'm with that wait you would do what you take the potatoes and you put them in tin foil then you just throw them on the fire and they bake the potatoes with some yogurt basically sour cream pretty good normal and then but when we were traveling we would go into gas stations take a hot dog container put three eggs in it microwave the eggs eat that I'm hungry what's a hot dog container what do you meet like a like you know what gas stations how they sell hot dogs? See it gives you a little tray a little tray you put the eggs in there you like just like a Box you put like three eggs

And then and then nuke them in the microwave because they have microwaves at a lot of gas stations They're too fluffy my uncle. I containers aren't microwave safe Wait, you're worried about the cons you're worried that the eggs are too fluffy out of the gas station microwave No, they're good fluffy. No fuck is Raised would you bring your own eggs or would you buy eggs there get it at the everything's at the gas? Well, you know you keep a chicken You know the time we were keeping chickens in our pockets You tickle them on the neck, they make an egg.

You put it in the gas station hot dog container. How many gopher pelts does this cost you? Yeah, really. That's crazy. I just picture you walking into a Sanoco. I'm here to barter. Yeah. I got some yogurt culture.

How you get it done is you get your squirrel that you carry in your shoulder to distract you. I'm Jordan. I'm a gopher hunter. Yeah. Those tigers, they're friendly. Don't worry about those. Okay. Wow. There is still a lot to cover. You know that, Jordan, right?

Mm-hmm. There's so much. What is there something that you think we've missed that you're like, you snuck? Is there anything that jumps to mind where you're like, because there was something about your apartment that I forget Where they were like they didn't you do something in the kitchen or so I can't fucking remember it I do oh I use bags as chips as blankets Her kitchen now yeah somebody was like they didn't even mention she didn't mention

And I forget what the it was something with you and the dog in the kitchen Maybe oh we eat chicken on the floor together. That's probably it, if I had to guess. Well, when I got her, I saw her online at the rescue. I showed up, I got her. I just had a puppy, I didn't know what to do with her. I didn't have a cage or anything, so I just put her in a tote bag and carried around. And then we would get chicken from the cellar

and we would fight over it. On the floor. Chicken from the cellar? Yeah, we'd get chicken from the cellar. The comedy cellar, not like the basement cellar. And we would both seller not like the basements Sure maybe I built my own I built a big no I think they fighting the dog Or like a chicken breast The chicken breast and it'd be cooked. Yeah, and you put it on the floor straight on together on the floor Would you have it on a plate though? Well, I wanted her to know that we were

Dogs, we were buddies. We have it on a plate. Yeah, and we eat it together on the floor. Would you have it on a plate, though? Well, I wanted her to know that we were dogs. We were buddies. We would have it on a plate. Yeah. And we'd eat it together. But now she doesn't know about tables and she jumps right on them. Like she jumped right on here and be walking around. I did that with Samson. I would lay on the ground, put his food on my chest. So he just associate me with the thing he needed to live.

Like my girl sits next to the cat sometimes when when it's eaten. Yeah. So it feels safe. Yeah. Yeah, that's a normal. It's eaten. Yeah, so it feels safe. Yeah Well, that's what people were decide are you on here I'm losing you quick big man We have to be we have to be fucking united against these two I got a hanker for some fucking yogurt You bring the yogurt I'll bring the sleeping bag let's have a party So hey you bring the yogurt I'll bring the sleeping bag let's have a party Yeah, weird things. I've done it during broke times the amount of stealing. I've done weird like rat like like

heists heists Yeah, like I was like I have to I had no money, but I had to start my own construction business so I figured out that if I marked up there if I Took the money from the materials and stole all of the materials, I could survive. From like a Home Depot or Lowe's? Right. Yeah. I think you mentioned that. It's all just like money being really super broke. The suspended license thing got tricky, right?

I had to go to jail like three times because my license was suspended. We didn't talk about jail that much. Your license kept getting suspended. For what? And you kept still driving. It was like a... I had the drive to get to work

but then it would get to suspended but you only had enough money to pay the speeding ticket and then or the unsuspension and that's why and they get you stuck cyclical it's a Recidivism yes terrible. It's really fucked up. It's so that you fail Yes, the only way to get past is a rob cheat and steal you have to hey pickle boy. Shut up Somebody take his picture Calm them down a little bit. Oh, I graduated from college with a heist. That was good They were like you can't graduate you didn't do these credits

So then I waited because I knew that the Dean was leaving town So then the assistant Dean came in and I forged this whole thing that was like Jordan Jensen is allowed to use these credits instead of these credits and I was like he was about to sign it and then they Signed it. That's pretty good. I'll give you that. That's very well respected in the dirtbag community. Yeah and then they all wore togas and Louie Louie played at the end. Louie Louie! Man. That was a deep cut. I got it. I didn't like it.

Is that from Animal House? Yeah. I had to do that in college. I had to take two semesters worth of credits in one semester because I got incompletes for an entire semester because I told everyone. You had to take eight or nine courses? While I was student teaching, while I was working a job, it was crazy because the last semester that I was supposed to go to class, I didn't because I was drinking and I told all my professors I was supposed to go to class I didn't because I was drinking and I told all my professors

I was in rehab and I was like shaking when I went to them because I hadn't drank that day So they were like, oh god, it's real and then I got it all done I electrocuted myself before I walked in I got it all done The real way I didn't forge papers or nothing. I forged I had to forge. I kept failing chemistry I've killed chemistry three times. How are you taking chemistry? You had to do it. You had to pass it How you gonna make the yoga? Gotta learn how to make cheese my major was philosophy, but you had to pass chemistry Yeah, that's crazy your major was philosophy and they're like take chemistry

Yeah, you had it was just like a pre yeah You know what I think the most like epitomizing of my childhood was this is like the perfect thing My dad would take the dogs to the road and beat the shit out of them to teach them not to go in the road Beat the ever-loving piss out of them and it would traumatize me because I could hear our dogs Oh, and then he would be like now They won't go to the road every single Like Pet Cemetery That's like the perfect epitome of the tragedy Good tragedy of my life as soon as you give a little girl a puppy you go here

This one will live and then he beats it and then it kills itself We're talking about college Cuz I was talking about forging documents. You know what's the most dirtbag story, and I think that I Feel a little bit bad for me. I respect it, but I had a really hard life You know what it was like, but why do my dogs we kill them if it didn't work the first five? And then I was like maybe he just liked that part. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Jesus Christ. Well guys. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. That's. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. It never worked.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. This is hard. The most insane thing is Jordan does have to leave to get to a therapist. Ha ha ha. She's asking us.

She's asking us. She should be, she should be asking him. I know. Why did he keep beating the dogs? therapist Their faces were so cute! She's gonna get to therapy! Stop describing the dog's faces! No, their faces! Oh, well... I'm talking like a hamburger patty in the middle of the road. I couldn't believe it! She's gonna get to therapy and start asking her therapist what she want on vacation. Got a peanut butter jam growing up.

Okay. When was the last time you were arrested? Sounds like they're coming right now to get one of you. This is all years ago. Yeah. Yeah, it's like five years ago, right? That's not that many years ago. That was before you did comedy, right? Five years ago No, very much. You got arrested for doing comic for what? License again? Yeah. Oh, you were already doing comedy, but not here in the city Yeah, I was here in the city. You've been arrested by the NYPD for driving without a license. Yeah. There was a cockroach in the jail cell. Big one. I ate it. You're stuck in here with me. I have to make. Oh, I didn't tell you. The last time I saw you, I remember I was

like, don't throw at the people I love how they correct each other on their insane behavior Remember the last time I was here I was I was like I'm throwing at the first bitch the day before I threw that out. I got arrested Oh, yeah, we're having that knife and I got out of jail the next day I flew and throughout the first pitch which you ducked by the way The next day I flew in throughout the first pitch which you ducked by the way Right to the chest of the guy fuck you it's not cricket dickhead

I'm getting injections. I got a Told you I was trying shots. They didn't take good. Thank you. It didn't look like a yeah Why did you get a red? This because people are getting assaulted in the city and I'm a little guy. Where, who found a knife? Why'd you get stopped for a knife? Officer Forbes on the 73rd Street subway station. He just stopped ya? She... ...saw, I guess, the like, latch in my pocket.

Nice, she saw the knife. And she was like, what's that? I was like, my knife! Oh my god. I'm Ian! She started. I'm a fun loving crazy guy it's just my weapon that I can hurt have you ever seen Roger Rabbit by any chance you see my meds today I have it oh I didn't take them last night, so I was gonna take them. Yeah, where else would they be? Easter eggs!

God damn it. Look at the whole of his face! I was so manic last night. It's just nice to be around people crazier than me. Woo! Woo! It's fun to see. I went full manic last night and went full Ian. Waga waga waga! Why so serious? I went full manic last night and went full Ian. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha The dad's just going, no Jordan, you have to go home. Jordan, I have to call your mother.

I told you I'm not allowed to kiss you. The dog cannot consent. If he didn't want it, why would he wag his tail? The dog was going. Okay. We've never seen a rabbit kill itself before. Oh my God, that's a dirtbag thing. I had a rabbit and then I had a rabbit

and my dad made these people, he evicted these people. He beat the shit out of it. Yeah, he evicted these people out of the barn because they were living in there. And then they- Wait, wait, when you were living there too? We were in there but there was another apartment, they made him do apartment

and there were dirtbags living in there and they got mad and they killed my rabbit She lives like Rizzo the rat I don't even know who that character is. I figured you thought they were going to slink out of here into the sewers. You at home in TV land. Look it up. We really have to get Jordan out of here. Yes, we do. We have to get Jordan out of here. I can stay. I got nowhere to go.

No, Ian. We're bombing the place for termites. Oh, finally get my medicine. Let me get a hit on that. This guy comes in with a tank. Let me get a balloon. This felt like five minutes. Yeah, it was fun.

It felt like three days to me, if I'm being honest. We gotta have you both back. We love you both. Jordan, you are the reigning queen of garbage. The new queen of garbage, we must say. The fans have loved you as much as they love cousin Ian, which is great to have you both on. I think next time we have to separate.

No. Do you both have anything you would like to plug before you go? Jordan, you wanna go? I have Punch Up, up in punch up dot live slash Jordan Jensen Beanie in with Jordan every Wednesday patreon.com slash beanie and pod RIP Jordan Jensen every other Monday. And Bellevue Outpatient on the weekend. Yeah.

December 31st, Comedy Connection, Providence, Providence, go see cousin Ian. Come on out, two shows with a special guest. Oh, I have to say something. It's going to be fun. We sold out the live podcast on December 30th. And then I'm on the road every weekend until the end of May. Fantastic.

Go to punchup.live slash Ian Fiedanz. Ian, Jesus, you're going to hurt her. Check out my special Wild Happy and Free on YouTube. OK, I also am going to, I am going to do. Is this going to be about the government? I apologize. I'm going to do big shows in LA, and I really need you to just look out for the tickets.

I haven't put them up yet, but just be on the lookout for that, because they have to sell, because it's very special. on the lookout one of the best Jordan you're fantastic. You're fantastic. Thank you. So love you both. Love you guys so much. I'm so happy we could come here together Yeah, this is my shirts for you guys. Merry Christmas Your merch, uh-huh. Okay, it's left. You're gonna charge me $25 for 35 Uh-huh, okay. It's left. You're gonna charge me $25 more 35 card cash triple X for the big man

And Luke I got you These are good quality Colors hey go from the edgeman printing Luke extra-large. I had double X, but I sold them But you know thank you guys, and you could get these on my on my Instagram. On my Instagram. Just call me. Edgman Printing, shout out Jimmy Edgman Detroit. No, we gotta get a picture. Can you get a picture?

Let the girl go. Just let her go, she's late. All right, Luke, here, hop up. This is so crazy. I feel like. We're keeping all this, by the way. Everybody so crazy. I feel like we're keeping all this by the way Everybody say crazy Gang we love you to death. I love you Jordan by Jordan got anything. I have anything

I need a goddamn cigarette and a beer. What are you talking about? So, you know when I was? We love you. We'll see you next week. You look over at Ian and goes, finally, I thought you'd never leave. Wait, did he really say that? Gag, we love you. Peace.