Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Brendan Sagalow Returns to Answer Your Questions!
Episode Date: January 28, 2021Kippy and Foley are back with a hot pod! They are joined by old pal, and Long Island Trash, Brendan Sagalow. Lot of riffs and great listener questions. Its a fun one! Enjoy! Bonus Episodes: https://...www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage T-Shirts: https://www.PodcastMerch.com Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? You're Trash.
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage, the show where you find out if
your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash.
Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.
Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast.
This is Are You Garbage.
It's a show we sit down with your favorite comedians.
You find out if they grew up classy or if they're absolute trash.
I'm your host H. Foley coming at you on a beautiful day.
Down here Aunt Tootie's basement.
She's got some laundry going so she might cross the camera.
Just letting everybody know my co-host is coming at you from right next to me.
He lives from my Aunt Tootie banter.
He is the CEO of Are You Garbage.
He cooks the books.
He keeps us online.
He's got his name on at least, God damn it.
Cut the fucking kids some slack.
The next time you're ready for a best pal gang, do yourselves a favor, make it a kippy
and give it up for Kevin James Ryan.
Hey, what's up everybody?
Thanks for tuning in.
Hey, buddy.
As always, as always, please make sure you rate and subscribe on iTunes, full video available
on YouTube, also Patreon.com slash Are You Garbage help us pay the fucking bills.
You can get a lot of bonus content, bonus episodes at AYG, get episodes of Hard Feelings, which
is me and Foley behind the curtains a little bit, shitting on each other, talking about
our lives, talking about the show.
They ain't good.
The whole nine yards.
And then also for our top tier patrons at the end of every month, we'll do a live stream
where you ask us questions.
We ask you questions.
The best.
And also when you join, bringing us to where we are at now, when you join, we'll ask your
question.
When you join the Patreon, we'll ask your garbage question on the show with a guest with a pal.
And how about a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire, the pride of the Chicago
Comedy scene.
Chicago.
We call him the magic man, but everybody knows him as T-Bone.
Toby McBohlin, everybody.
What's up?
I got some fucking Italian beef with you, nerds.
We're taking shots right before we hit the record button.
T-Bone.
I'm smirching the great state of Chicago, state, city, god damn it.
T-Bone, T-Bone just caught like a nine minute fucking beating.
I need a hot roast beef sandwich and a Kaiser roll stat.
I hate when people have pride for where they're from.
Oh, it's the worst.
You can make fun of Long Island all day.
I'll shit on it with you.
We know you don't trash bag.
Okay.
Well, relax there.
All right.
He's like, I'm the pride of no guy to hate you.
It's your best.
He's like, Philly stinks.
I'm like, yeah, dude, I know.
Like I'm not, I'm not out here repping it.
Yeah.
Let's transition from the pride of the Chicago Comedy scene to the embarrassment of Great
Neck Long Island.
Long Island.
Siasis.
Long Island.
Siasis.
Long Island.
Thank you.
One paw.
One paw.
One paw.
One paw.
Out there and run.
Tag them up.
That is so funny.
They put holes in the burgers out there.
It's weird.
Gang, this is a family episode.
We got a special friend back here with us.
We got a little company in the house.
If you have not seen this episode, make sure you go back and watch it.
It's absolutely amazing.
He is our good pal.
He is a garbaggio to the 10th degree from Long Island and he has a fucking brand new
album out right now that we could not be more happy or about and so excited for him.
It's absolutely fantastic.
I hosted the show.
It was unbelievable.
It's called Not More Than Ever.
Nope.
No?
It's called Not Now More Than Ever.
You fucking idiot.
You're so close.
You dumb, dumb idiot.
I thanked you in the credits, you cunt.
Now I have to go back and edit and get that out of there.
Somebody call up iTunes.
Pull the plug.
He has it in his defense.
Wait, what did I say?
He has it written down.
It works.
He rechecked his rules.
You wrote it down wrong?
Yeah.
I said it to you.
No, I wrote it down right.
Not More Than Ever.
Not More Than Ever.
Hey, well, this is great organic plug in.
We're doing here.
Yeah.
I said it nine times.
Yeah, I'm leaving.
Not Now More Than Ever is the album.
The comedian is Brendan Sagalow.
Thanks.
The jacket is shitty.
Yeah.
I mean, look at you fucking.
Fuck, I'm actually offended.
It sucks.
It sucks.
Can't we do that album?
That sucks.
Oh, fuck up.
It sounds, it's so, it sucks.
The comedic stylings of nobody.
How about that?
Yeah.
Well, you're, I actually like the jacket.
That's why I was like, that's a nice jacket.
This would fit you great.
It sucks.
No, that would be a blanket on me.
It sucks when you're like actually offended by something
someone says and then you try to like get back at them.
And it's just filled with your hurt feelings.
You're hurt.
You're not thinking comedy.
You're hurt.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Emotion takes over.
Brendan Sagalow is with us here today.
He's a good pal of the podcast family episode.
As we said, if you haven't seen his episode,
go back and check it out.
It's fucking absolutely amazing.
You have one of the stories of when people,
like when we do other shows or whatever to plug AYG,
people go, what was one, you all, you're a,
you're a touchstone of what we use on other shows.
I'm just made out of garbage.
Because you used to live in what you call,
you used to sleep with as a kid, as a kid in the den.
The den.
Dude, these are the walls, man.
These wooden like things.
Your dad moved into the den.
And you slept in the living room,
which you called the den.
Yes.
That is bad news.
On a couch, right?
There was no bed.
On a couch, on a white couch with a, with a,
what kind of blanket?
It was a very shitty blanket with the holes.
And it was like a quilt.
Probably had a sports team on it.
Probably like a Giants.
No, no, no, no, no.
My family doesn't, didn't watch sports.
Yeah.
Couldn't afford the gear.
Also something that sticks out a lot too.
You were a big panther.
You were a big panther.
You were a big panther.
You were a big panther.
You were a big panther.
You were a big panther.
You were a big panda express kid growing up, right?
I loved old PE bike.
That's so weird, man.
Regular Chinese is one thing,
but to be like a panda express.
I liked Panda Express because you got a little free sample
before you stood in line.
Man.
Wait, let's get this trash.
Hold on.
They do, they do the free samples at like regular brick
and mortar Panda Express.
No, he's talking about the mall.
Wait, that's where you would go and get the food?
Was it the mall?
Yeah.
Sometimes you go to the mall and just get food at the food court.
That's crazy.
No, you don't.
What?
You go to the mall just for the food court?
Not all the time.
I wasn't like, oh, I got to go pick up food.
Let's go to the Broadway mall.
But I would, you know, if we wanted Panda Express,
we'd go to the mall and get some Panda Express.
Wow.
And then take it home.
Sometimes.
You would take it?
No.
No, we'd probably sit in the food court.
I don't think the food court has to go containers.
It's just on a tray.
The saggles are still in the trays.
Just eating it like pig slop.
Would you just take the, wait, hold on.
Be honest here.
OK.
Would you go to Panda Express to get stuff to go home
and take it home and eat it?
Not all the time, but sometimes.
But you would.
Yeah, if we were in the area.
Did they have...
Oh, my God.
It'd be rude if I didn't stop by.
If we were stealing a car.
If we were in, if we were by the Broadway mall in Hicksville, New York,
we would walk in and...
Right next to Gooberstown.
Next to Gooberstown.
Yeah.
Gooberstown.
Yeah.
You want to go over to Gooberstown.
What do you want?
Just go.
You're looking for Panda Express.
Oh, you got to get the Panda Express to go foams.
You're looking for Pinhead Street.
Over there in Gooberville.
Right down there of Loser Avenue.
I don't know what accent we're doing.
Chicago.
Chicago.
That's what we're doing.
Shout out to Hicksville.
Yeah.
So if we were in the area, we go, let's go get some Panda Express.
You walk in, take the escalator up, get some Panda.
It's still there, I think, the Panda Express.
That is a staple of that.
But I'm saying like what Kevin's saying is I don't ever remember them having
to go, to go boxes at, in the food court.
Well, they, no, they, they give it to you and to go.
So it comes in those foam things and then you just close the foam things
and you go to your car and go home.
Oh, okay.
Or what we would normally do is we go, oh, we're by the mall.
Let's go get some Panda Express and sit in the food court.
Get a table for two.
Light a candle.
Johnny, just going to be the two of us tonight.
Okay.
No, they do like good fellas.
They bring the table closer to the entrance.
You guys coming through the janitor's entrance.
Some other tables complaining.
Hey, we've been waiting to know.
All right, buddy.
Hang on.
Right this way, Mr. Sagalow.
I'm slipping everybody.
I'm slipping everybody 20s.
One night the Panda Express guy sent us orange chicken for free.
And it was so romantic.
So we know your trash.
I'm a piece of garbage.
And a good towel.
Love you saying.
Love you.
Fantastic gang.
Fantastic album out.
Couldn't be more excited to have you here.
We're going to do a little, what we'd call a little family episode.
We're going to ask some questions from the Patreon, from the Facebook group,
from the fam out there.
All right.
I couldn't be more excited.
I love it.
Thank you for bringing Dunkin Donuts.
Hey, for yourself.
You are a Dunkin' Kid.
Well, I thought I went, what are the chances that they actually have anything for the
guests?
Pretty good.
We always have waters.
There's a bag of Cheetos over there if you want.
Sorry.
Get up to the Broadway mall.
You guys don't have any boneless ribs?
That sounds like a one floor mall, by the way.
It is a one floor mall.
It is a one floor mall.
But there was a second floor.
One floor malls are bad news.
I know.
It was a one floor mall.
Oh my God.
But there was a second floor.
There was a second floor, which was just the food court and the movie theater.
Okay.
So, yeah.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Mr. Rockefeller.
I apologize.
It was a Tuesday's $6 movie ticket.
So snuck in.
Did it matter?
Would you sneak in for another one?
Oh, yeah.
We used to sneak in all the time because what you could do is if you knew where the doors
led, because there was like the fire escape people.
Dude, if you got blueprints out to the AMC, you're probably correct.
I can see your dad on the hood of a car with a map out over the.
The security guard on the back is on the take.
Look, we're going to sneak in this.
For the right price.
I'll look the other way.
All right, Brendan.
You grab the pen to express and play defense with the lady up front with the tickets.
Tell her you're a lost kid.
You're 25.
Yeah.
Flirt with the slow girl who rips the ticket.
All right.
All right.
Man.
This is a body.
I love the family apps, baby.
Good times.
Easy peasy.
Guys, so as you know, when you join the Patreon, we will read your questions.
That's where these questions have come from and some of them are home fucking runs.
Yes.
It's always a good time.
Let's see here.
What do we got?
Let's do something good.
This is from Eric.
Is it garbage to order food for carry out in order to not pay delivery fees and tips?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's garbage.
And I do that.
I do that every day.
You'll go.
You'll go pick it up.
Yeah.
If I have the choice, I'm going to go pick it up because I do not want to pay for tip.
I do not want to pay for delivery fees.
It's a huge difference.
If you're getting Burger King.
Sky's ordering.
No.
If you get Burger King, right?
Yeah.
My meal is like 11 bucks, but if I order it delivered.
It comes like 22.
It gets up there quick.
It comes.
It becomes 22.
It's exactly 22.
It's like doubles.
Yeah.
Yeah.
What is your meal?
The old sagaloo.
The number 17.
I make a, I make a, make a number for me.
Three 15s and a two.
Give me an 11.
It's a Derek Gaines joke.
I stole it.
Oh, that's funny.
It's the, the bacon king, which is a double patty with a bunch of bacon and mayo all over
it with fucking love.
I'll get it large too.
I'll sometimes I'll get it medium though, because even the medium.
Trying to watch your intake.
Yeah.
Trying to watch my sodium.
You explained that like you were in child therapy, right?
Show us where the king touched you.
There is no shame, like the shame of deleting the McDonald's app off your phone after using
the deal.
Yeah.
That's a pretty good one.
Do you have any fan?
What, what food apps do you have on your phone?
If any.
I have no.
Shout out to the perks on side.
Seamless.
Just grub hub and seamless and stuff like that.
Yeah.
That's legit.
Maybe Duncan.
Maybe some dunkies.
Dude, I use it.
Like I've said before, I use the Starbucks app and I feel like a millionaire when I go
in.
Yeah, that's classy.
I feel like classy.
Dude, I feel, that's how, well, that's how garbage I am.
I feel like I'm like, you're not waiting in line like a Titan of industry.
Like I walk in and I'm like, oh, excuse me.
And I try my black coffee and leave.
Duncan just, it looks like shitty coffee when you see it.
Like remember that picture that was a, a Ben Affleck like stumbling out of the house with
the munchkins.
Yeah.
Like two shitty coffees.
Ben.
I felt so bad for him.
Like leave the fucking guy alone.
I feel bad for that guy.
Guy catches a bad rap.
I love him.
Fucking love him.
He's fantastic.
I love him so much.
And he, he really just speaks to you.
If you don't look at that guy struggling in every picture and you don't feel like, oh,
that's me.
Well, cause they catch him coming out of his front door.
Yeah.
I was coming out the front door with munchkins and a fucking cup of coffee.
I've been out on my front door for hours.
And if you took a picture of me 20 minutes ago, it would be the same picture.
Munchkins all over you.
Covered in powdered sugar.
He, dude, him smoking that cig is like, I'm that now.
Just get the fuck away from me.
He's just like, dude, his shoulders are dry.
He's just defeated.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He's probably getting his balls broke.
He's got a bunch of million dollar deals cooking.
And there's some dickhead in the fucking bushes across the street.
What the fuck, man?
Now, back to your original question.
I do think, I understand when you say that if you're doing it for like, you know, to,
it doesn't matter why you're doing it, but sometimes going out and getting the takeout
is all the emotional support you need to feel good about the meal.
Does that make sense?
Because you feel, don't you, tell me you don't feel worse about yourself when you're getting
Burger King delivered as opposed to when you got out, put shoes on, walk to the Burger King,
ordered in person and brought it back in your house.
Are you kidding?
I think that's, that's him going, I was on the treadmill for an hour.
Yeah.
I mean, doesn't that make you feel, doesn't that count?
That's a couple of points on NutriSystem.
Yeah.
If I'm getting Burger King delivery is always makes me feel good.
It always makes me feel better when I see someone bringing it to me.
Yeah, of course.
I feel like royalty.
Yes.
But if I'm going to get something, I get what you're saying.
More onion rings, boy.
But like, going to get a certain meal, like if it's not Burger King or Wendy's or any
of that fast food crap, yes, I understand going out and getting it.
That feels good.
So you feel worse going into the place.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Seeing all those colors, you know what I mean?
Like, it's so fucking.
Why would you want to go into the crack house?
You know what I mean?
Get it delivered.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
If they delivered crack, I would do it.
What's your, what's your fast food rankings?
Is Burger King your number one?
I mean, my life has led to this question.
My life.
It takes his jacket off.
My life has led.
Free streams right there.
And that's the question I've been waiting for my whole life.
Pulls out a thing of chicken fries.
This is like a no country for old men where you're going to ask me.
You're going to tell me to keep the quarter.
This quarter's been waiting for you.
You've been putting it up your whole life.
I could not choose for you.
You have to choose.
He wasn't Russian, but go ahead.
Whatever it is.
I'm going to say this right now.
It was the spin off that happened in Ukraine.
Wendy's first and foremost.
Wow.
Okay.
Doesn't get any better than that.
What's your order there?
Toby's already saying no.
Don't listen to him.
He's a Chicago contrarian.
I don't listen to him.
He's going to say Jimmy's on fucking Rosemont.
The fine fish food.
It's a burger slash hot dog.
Never seen anything like it in my life.
You got to go.
You got to put a pullockies up there on foster.
Yeah, there you go.
Pullockies.
Hold on.
What's your?
My order at Wendy's is just.
Bacon classic.
No.
I just get a double cheeseburger with large fries and large Coke.
That's it.
No frosty.
Yeah.
So I can dip my burger into it.
You dip your burger into the frosty.
I have from time to time.
That was a little bit more of a joke.
But I have.
Excuse me.
You've never done that, big man.
You're going to sit here.
You're going to sit here.
Fully dips his fingers into the frosty.
That you've never so happened to your burgers never ended up in your frosty.
Frosty.
Listen, I'm a dipper.
I'm a fucking dipper through and through.
I know my fries have ended up in there a lot.
So is your wiener.
I haven't asked your girlfriend to cover herself in frosty.
Can you cover yourself in a Wendy's frosty for me?
Can we play Wendy's tonight?
Yeah.
Hey, Wendy.
I mean, can we play sweet and sour tonight, please?
Call me Dave.
Listen, I'm a big dipper.
I'm a dipper to the point that people, they have said to me, that's why your fat is
because you always need something extra.
Like you would say.
It's not the sauce.
I'll tell you that.
Well, it's not the frosty.
You're dipping fucking, you're dipping your burgers into mayo, cups of mayo.
Okay.
Something like that.
Yeah.
That was a little long.
I wanted to be on board with that.
Well, my instincts was to give up halfway through that, but I was like, don't give up.
You're like a diplomat.
You already did that.
You already did that.
Can't give up again.
There's that Long Island pride coming out.
And yeah, I like it.
Great.
It's that self-esteem coming out.
That dense self-esteem.
No.
Are you recording?
I'm a dipper.
Okay.
I've never dipped my burger in frosty, but I did my fries in there.
I'm a big fan of that.
And I will dip my burger towards the end when it's like, you know, like a crescent moon
and I can fit it into the ramekin of whatever I was dipping the fries into, whether that's
a chipotle mayo or a honey mustard or a spicy mustard.
I don't believe you've never dipped a burger in a frosty.
I never have.
It just seems like it's such a basic move too.
It doesn't mean that you're trashier than me.
Okay.
But I just feel like it's something that it's not like, you know.
It's not a competition is what I'm saying.
I don't think it's a competition.
I'm just saying.
I think you're a little defensive about it.
Well, no.
You, he gets defensive.
I think you would prefer it if I did.
Well, you have.
Clearly.
Let's put that on the table.
Yes, that's what I'm saying.
You're accusing me of lying?
Yeah.
He gets so weird and defensive about food stuff because he doesn't want to appear like a fat
guy.
The last thing he has are the words that come out of it now.
You don't want to feel like a fat guy.
He doesn't go running every once in a while.
Couple more black sweatshirts.
I've never seen this guy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Check.
I'm not even there.
No.
He does these things where like he'll see somebody do something gross with food and be like,
you believe that guy?
You know what I mean?
Just to get the attention.
I've noticed that actually.
Oh yeah.
Okay.
If I did do it, I wouldn't admit it here.
Of course.
100%.
And I would make funny you for it to make myself feel better.
So what you're doing.
And then go home and dip a burger in a milkshake.
Yeah.
Okay.
You want the truth?
Yes.
I'm gonna run a second there, kids.
Want to stop the show for a quick second and talk to you once again about the Stereo
app.
Stereo is a free live broadcast social platform that enables people to have real conversations
in real time.
The app also allows podcast creators to build a more intimate following an intimate relationship
with their audience, which we love here at R U Garbage Number one.
One year running right here R U Garbage.
We love it, okay?
It's an absolutely fantastic app because you can literally have a little podcast studio
right in your hands.
You can do it from anywhere.
It's gonna be absolutely fantastic.
And we're doing our first live show January 28th at 9 p.m., January 28th at 9 p.m.
And in your head, you're probably thinking to yourself, wait a minute, I'm watching
this new episode of R U Garbage, the day that it comes out, it is January 28th.
It is a Thursday.
Holy shit, 9 p.m.
I can see the boy.
I can talk to the boys.
Let's go.
If you're watching this show, the day it comes out, we're gonna be going live on Stereo
app tonight.
It's gonna be absolutely fantastic, okay?
R U Garbage cannot be more excited to offer our listeners a new way to interact with us.
So we'll see you guys tonight.
And hang out.
At the end of the episode, we're gonna talk just a little bit more about it and get you
guys all geared up.
And if you want to jump ahead, you want to start getting on the ball, go to stereo.com
slash R U Garbage and sign up today.
I've never done it.
That's still not the truth.
I know you, dude.
The listeners buy all this shit.
I ain't buying it.
Yeah.
I could picture you just doing it and then going and then I've gotten a milkshake with
a burger and fries and bite and sip the shit out of that.
But I don't think I've ever actually dipped a burger.
That actually seems worse in a way because you're not like, does it?
Well, like when you dip a burger into a milkshake or when you dip a burger into a frosty, it
becomes one piece of food.
But you eating it, holding it in your mouth and then going to create this fucking thing
inside of you.
Thanks for tuning in to R U Diabetic, everybody.
Next week, we have Ralphie May and after that, John Panette.
Wilford Brimley walks in, hold on there, fellas.
I'm going to try it.
Yeah.
No, don't.
You shouldn't be eating Wendy's.
We got it.
We got to get you to lose weight.
We don't need you trying.
I've been challenged.
We don't need you.
We don't need you doing food stunts.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Foley's the type of guy who takes the smoke of the cigarette and drinks and puts it in.
Yeah.
All right.
So double cheeseburger was the original answer.
Yes.
Wendy's is your number one.
I'm basic with everything.
So don't ask me my meals at any other place that isn't Burger King because Burger King
all right, Snowden.
Hey, Wiki eats.
I'm very political.
Don't ask me.
You fucking the Godfather.
Don't ask me about my business at Arby's.
Okay.
Yeah.
But just to cap this off, this is how it goes, Wendy's, McDonald's, Burger King.
I fucking hate Subway.
So that's not even on the list.
Get the fuck out of here.
And I mean, what else do you consist of?
Taco Bell.
Taco Bell is the next one.
And Panda Express, I assume would be up there.
I haven't had Panda Express in a long time.
That's not fast food.
That's good food.
Fast.
Fast casual.
Yeah.
Fast casual.
No, when I get Chinese, it's like from a place that's just, you know, number one
China.
I assume we probably go to the same Golden, Golden Dragon.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
It's a good place.
You guys ignore each other when you see each other in there?
Yeah.
It's just a good day, sir.
Yeah.
We both walk in wearing trench coats and baseball hats.
It's like the department.
Yeah.
Mr. Johnson, good day to you, Mr. Johnson.
Sackle is like, what are you doing here?
He's like, I own the joint.
I hope you cleaned up after yourself.
Great question.
They sit on park benches facing away from each other and slide back.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Sackle sits up and leaves a bag.
Like two spies meeting at the Washington Monument.
All right, this is for Matt.
This is one that happened in real life with you.
We were, I was fucking, we were at a show on a roof and I had a bottle of beer that
needed an opener.
So this is for Matt.
This is ridiculous.
Is it garbage to have a bottle opener on a key chain or refer to it as a church key?
It's trash to refer to it as a church key.
Very true.
I remember people like the church, I've been at like a party, people like church key and
I didn't know what they meant.
And I'm like, I don't know.
I still don't know.
I still don't even.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, I don't believe in God.
I just move on.
I don't think it's trash at all to have a bottle opener on your keys.
Sure.
But also to set this, we were, we were at a show.
That's the problem.
Yeah.
That's why you're here.
So look, look, is it classier to have a bottle opener in a drawer?
Yes.
I guess so.
But I look at that more as just a tool.
It's a tool that I use, that I would use very often.
See, I look down on that for a completely different reason where I'm like, if you can't
open a bottle of beer with a lighter, like what are you doing?
True.
But that's trash.
That's more trash.
Yeah.
To open up with a lighter.
Well, you know, the ultimate trash way is hitting on the table.
No, biting it.
Biting it.
Biting it is gross.
Tables, tables.
Tables trash.
Biting it is gross.
My job is not strong enough.
It would go biting it.
Table.
The dresser at a motel six.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Fuck.
When the coke runs out.
I still have a chip in the tooth from opening a bottle of beer on a stick.
It's just having the ones that fucking turn and open.
That's pretty trashy.
What?
What do you mean?
Just like a bottle of a twist.
A twist.
A twist.
Like a Budweiser's twist.
Yeah.
You think that's trashy to have a twist off beer?
Yeah.
It's not classy.
The classy or the beer?
Yes.
Yeah.
You're going to water down Dunkin' Donuts something.
A twist off is trashy.
It's not classy.
It's less classy than a bottle.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's first of all, it's usually what they went.
They went.
Some people don't have bottle openers.
We want our customers to be able to just chug it down their gullets.
Yeah.
Sir, what are people who can't afford bottle openers?
Great job, John.
Get that man a promotion.
We're losing half the market out here.
I thought, no, I could be wrong if you have anybody in the beverage industry that can clear
this up.
I thought it usually was.
Now, before micro-brew, domestics were twist off, imports were bottled, were popped.
Yes.
Because everybody else does beer better than we do.
Americans are the worst before micro-brews.
Like Budweiser, nobody cares about how it tastes.
Everywhere else has reverence for the beer itself.
Yeah.
The way you're speaking, it's like the cans are classy to you.
Hold on.
Let's talk about this commie propaganda.
It just came out of my fucking partner's mouth.
No.
That's what it is.
I mean, yeah.
Budweiser's shitty beer.
I love it.
Let me look down the barrel to America.
I love it.
Do you believe this fucking guy?
I'm going to call ice on you, dude.
Have a good time.
Where would I fuck you off from?
Yeah.
Good luck Ireland taking you back.
Yeah.
Enjoy Germany.
Well, no.
They're all, I mean, I don't.
It's actually pretty nice there.
Beer is really nice, too.
Yeah.
And it's all fucking pop, you know, it's not a twist off, it's all fucking, you need
a bottle.
I know what you're saying.
Yeah.
Whatever.
That's all I'm saying.
That's the thing.
It's classy.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Yeah.
It's more classy.
But you having it.
No.
The easier they make to consume it.
Let's see your keys.
That's why waiting for a steak is classy.
But if steak was like fast food where you can get it in five minutes and shove it down
on your way to home, then you're a piece of shit.
It's pretty good.
That's bulletproof logic right there.
I like it.
But also when I needed a bottle opener, this is like to set the stage.
I scan the, I scan the people who I can ask and it was like, you know, like just like
the guy that work in there, this, there's like five people and I looked, I got the
sag low.
Yeah.
It was like a tracking device.
Like do do do.
Yeah.
I'm like sag low.
You got a bottle opener?
Yeah.
I'm surprised I didn't take off my shoe and have it at the bottom of the, on the sole.
Yeah.
I had a buddy with those flip-flops.
One second.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Can I see your keys right now?
Can I see your keys?
Yeah.
By the way, I'm.
Or did you leave them in the Harley out front?
Get your motor running.
Oh shit.
I had to hit the jukebox to make it work.
I think I left it there.
Hey, Uncle Jesse.
Relax.
I still got it.
I'm 36 days sober.
Oh yeah.
Congratulations.
Thank you very much.
Yeah.
And I still put it on because this is an essential tool, baby.
You need one of these.
I don't think so.
No.
I think you're waiting to relapse.
I think you know that.
I keep it in here.
Like it's like, God, inception it.
This is my totem.
Yeah.
Find out what's real or not.
The reason I asked to see your key, you have a, you only have two keys.
I'm a minimalist, dude.
I don't even.
Or a poor person.
One of the other.
Yeah, that's true.
I don't even have a wallet on me.
My wallet is.
Ah, you don't say.
Fuck off.
This is my wallet.
It's right.
It's below my phone.
This is where I keep all my shit.
Minimalist.
And then you go like this.
Right?
You never really see fat minimalist.
No.
And I don't think he knows.
There's nothing minimal about it.
I don't think he knows what really is.
I don't like a lot of my bedroom.
I take up a lot of space myself.
I sleep standing up.
I was expecting you to have a, and I always say this wrong, a caribou, a carabiner.
A carabiner.
He says carabiner.
Carabiner.
Once a week he says carabou.
Carabiner.
I was expecting you to have your keys hooked to.
They were.
For all of high school and college, my keys were on a carabiner that hung from my jeans.
And it's a big punk rock thing.
It is a big punk rock thing.
And it's when you're in the pit, you can't have your keys falling off your hip.
For sure.
For sure.
But like.
That's why you would have them there.
Is that why people put them on those things?
No.
Not because of the pit or anything.
He was doing a fucking joke.
Have you ever been in a mosh pit?
Yeah.
Of course.
You think a guy would have jacked like that's never been in a pit?
I create the mosh pit, baby.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Of course.
I used to go to flogging molly concerts and because they would play Hammerstein Ballroom
every year.
Got thrown out of Hamilton.
In March.
And the play.
Yeah.
Dude.
I'll tell you.
I'll tell you one time in like.
Once I was at Miss Saigon.
No.
One time in college or maybe senior year high school, I was wearing a leather.
You went to college?
I went to three colleges.
Did we know this?
I knew you did.
Did you finish?
Do you have a four year degree now?
You don't have a four year degree.
Three college.
That's at least three years.
You should be close.
Three colleges.
One more colleges you went.
The shittier you are too.
Of course.
Do you have a four year degree?
You have a bachelor's degree?
Yeah.
What?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I have a.
So I'll have you know.
Did we ask you this?
I actually made the Dean's List at Nassau Community College.
Wow.
So no.
I went to SVA.
I went to school visual arts.
You had some chick that was blowing the Dean.
Yeah.
Nassau was trash.
I had to.
I had to.
Sorry.
Sorry.
For my metal fans out there.
Cheating up a D.
Sniper.
Yeah.
Just me and D.
Sniper.
Yeah.
Just me and D.
Sniper asking.
So who sailed the ocean blue?
Cygala.
What'd you get for four?
That's why D.
Sniper personally said.
And Batman.
What'd you get for four?
It's so funny.
What'd you get for four?
Nassau was pretty shitty too.
So I went to school visual arts for one semester.
Where's that?
That's in Manhattan.
Dude.
Everybody I know has done that in New York film school.
I flunked out.
I didn't flunk out.
I left.
That was kind of a chicken and egg type thing.
You can't fire me.
I quit type.
One of my biggest regrets was leaving school visual arts because I was majoring in film
and now I'm like, you know, I'm like creating these sketches and shit.
So I wish I knew what the fuck I was talking about.
Then I went to, so I left SVA and then I went to Nassau Community College.
Get back on my feet a little bit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wait, hold on.
School of visual arts.
You came in here.
Okay.
You came in here.
Did you live here?
Did you commute from Long Island?
I lived in Manhattan.
Nice.
On 23rd Street.
Right down the block.
Were you the first Saiglo to ever live in Manhattan?
No.
They came to Thanksgiving at yours?
Yeah.
My dorm.
And Nassau I went to, which I'd have to walk through like rap, rap battles and stuff.
It was really cool.
Wait.
So how many years were you at school visual arts?
I'm sorry.
One semester.
One semester.
Then you decided.
Did you actually enroll right in the spring semester?
I immediately, I told my parents I wanted to leave school visual arts.
And then I went to Nassau Community College, which where I made the dean's list.
And then.
And I was there for about a year and a half.
You were there for a year and a half.
You moved back in with your parents.
Yeah.
Back to the then.
Yeah.
Did you have your own room at that point?
Yes.
I did have my own room because my dad was out of the house.
Okay.
And then, you know, King of the Castle.
And then I went to Pace University and I finished college there.
Wow.
So you came back to the city?
Paces in the city.
Paces in the city.
It's in Lower Manhattan.
Did you commute every day?
No.
I dormed in Phi Day.
Communications.
If you can't tell.
Wait, hold on.
So I assume.
Communication.
School visual arts.
None of the credits transferred over.
None of them.
No.
So you did a year and a half.
So you did three semesters at Nassau County Community College.
Yeah.
And then the other two and a half semesters was for at Pace.
So you were at Pace for a pretty good time.
For a long time.
Yeah.
Okay.
And you were the normal age of like the regular sophomore?
I think I was a year older than everybody.
I don't remember.
I don't know.
He's out front on the hood of a Camaro.
I love these college girls.
You guys got any folders?
Where's my traffic, Ethan?
I'm a five-star kind of guy.
You girls know what a dean's office is?
He says I got to talk to this bozo.
I get into a fight with another group and I take out a...
What's the...
Switchpoint.
No, the pointy fucking the protractor.
Protractor, yeah.
He did fucking metal horns.
Yeah, let me know what it is, bro.
I've had a long day.
Have you?
Well, when you wake up at two.
You got to hit the ground running.
I had to make up for lost time, Dadio.
When you wake up at Dadio?
By the way, shout out to...
Talking about a sense of urgency.
Shout out to all the people that started to hit me up and say they've been using Dadio
in everyday conversation.
I love Dadio.
Dude, Dadio, I gotta be honest.
That's not a kippy original.
I stole that from my cousin, Liam.
Well, he stole it from the 50s.
I know.
Let him just say it.
It's not like I just started saying it one day.
Hey, cool cat.
Hey, that's my uncle.
What's up, dog?
I didn't come up with that.
Oh, man.
This is too fun.
That's great.
All right.
Let's see.
This is from Dumb Dumb.
I'm very guilty of this.
Have you ever used Febreze on any other fabric or any other air fabric freshener on your
clothing?
Are you kidding?
Shout out to...
You mean cologne?
You mean...
Brethren, what are you wearing?
Springtime mist.
Yeah, springtime.
Yeah.
Hawaiian Breeze.
Who makes that?
No.
I never wore...
I mean, when it's absolutely needed, which is like if you stay at somebody's house or
something and then you get up and you smell like shit or whatever, then you put it on.
It's good on the road.
I will say this.
This is pretty trashy.
Me and my friends in high school, we would take Febreze and we thought because it was
like, you know, it's like Lysol or whatever would poison you.
So we would spray the wall and just smell it for like 10 minutes and try to get high
over that.
Man.
Wow.
Shout out to Pace University.
Shout out to Pace.
Now we know how you made the Dean's List.
Yeah.
Fuckin' there's...
The only guy that sold him some Lysol.
The only guy that not OD on Pinesol.
Have you ever huffed Axe Body Spray?
Huffed it?
No.
No.
Never.
That's disgusting.
You get dust off like a fucking gentleman.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dust off.
That was huge.
That was awesome.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Real bad.
Yeah, yeah.
I have a friend who killed himself that way.
Wow.
By doing just tons and tons.
Shout out to Pace University.
That's my roommate.
That's all I got on the Dean's List.
That was actually the Dean of the school.
Yeah.
Wait, did he do that on purpose to commit suicide or just OD?
Nobody knows.
It looked like an accident, but his...
Could have been murder.
Could have been foul play.
Tune it tonight on HLM.
Nobody knows.
Long Island Dirtbag.
There were two footprints in the snow.
I believe it was Colonel Sleazeball with the can of dust off.
But when the cops arrived, the door was locked from the outside.
No, but he was one of those guys where like, oh, he knew how much...
He knew what he was doing.
He knew what would push him to the edge.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wow.
But like, Whippets is awesome, dude.
That shit is fucking cool.
Yeah, man.
Drugs are cool.
Drugs are great.
What do you want?
I mean, you could tell.
You could tell I like this.
By his jacket?
Come on.
I remember growing up.
I remember when...
What was Downey Wrinkle Release?
Do you remember that shit?
I'm getting high off that one.
No, I'm just saying in general.
This is great, man.
Let me get a Tide Pie.
You gotta stiffen out the lungs a little bit.
Hey, do you guys get down?
It's got a little downy.
I'm on the DL.
Do you guys party with snuggles?
Oh, man.
Oh, man.
More of an old temperature cheer guy.
I have 100% use for breeze in place of changing my clothes.
That's mine.
Can I have a water?
Oh, yeah.
I know.
Have you ever been on a show before?
You fuck?
I lost.
Try to do it without a...
Jesus.
Me?
Oh, wait.
Me?
What we're sitting here, he just grabbed my water.
I'm like, that's mine.
I go, I was going like this.
Oh, well, I'm sorry.
Toby's also not the intern.
I know.
What am I supposed to do?
Get up on the fucking...
T-bone.
I'll do one of this.
There's some in that bag, actually.
You could have wrote it out for another 45 minutes.
I'm very thirsty.
Thank you.
Thank you.
You got your ice there too.
You could have crushed it.
Yeah.
That's better for the...
Oh, he's just pissed because he bought the waters today.
Oh, whoa.
He'll be drinking all the water.
You guys share one.
All right.
Those cups are here.
I think you got pollen spring money.
I'm cutting out anything funny.
Brennan says from here on.
Yeah.
Trim them down.
Right.
It's only going to have to cut three things.
You're going to be an easy knife for T-bone.
Goddamn.
That was...
I really...
I almost choked on the water trying to get that out.
I'm like...
Oh!
That's what they'll never get, how hard we're swinging.
We're trying our best.
Listen.
I have 100% use for breeze in replace of changing my clothes.
I specifically sprayed the butt on the jeans where, you know, where it could be.
A problem.
Where the shit was.
Yeah.
Oh, that's bad.
It's called, like we say it.
No.
I've definitely done that.
On my shirts, the whole nine yards.
Get axe, man.
Get something else.
You don't need...
Get something specifically made.
I don't like the powder smell of axe.
The good thing about Febreze is it's not that strong smelling.
It kind of...
It dissipates quick.
You're not covering up.
You're eliminating.
Shout out to Febreze.
It eliminates it rather than fucking really like colognes it up, you know?
Yeah.
I don't remember bounty wrinkle release or down...
Whatever it was.
Downy wrinkle release.
Hey, relax.
Junkie Jones.
I don't fucking...
I never use this stuff.
I'm sorry.
Dude, when that...
Look at your fix, Ross.
KB's cousin invented Daddy-O and eating Tide Pie.
No.
I just remember when that shit dropped my mind, I thought it was like the space technology.
What is it?
What is it?
Instead of you spray it on and then like you like wipe the wrinkles out.
Just me?
Okay.
So I got...
This is a personal.
Were you a steamer family or an iron family?
Iron.
Nobody was a steamer family.
I got a 90s.
I got a couple of bodies that were steamer family.
What?
Yeah.
What?
She's crazy to me.
What did a steamer in the 90s look like?
What are they?
I think I was just going to dry clean.
I think it was Salesman.
I think she was Korean.
No.
My family was...
Big iron.
Big ironing.
Why Death of a Salesman?
Because when you travel, you need to take a steamer with you.
Do you take a steamer with you when you travel?
No, but I should.
Just take an extra pair of sweatpants.
Do any of you own an iron or do I assume you all do shower steams to get wrinkles out of your skin?
I got an iron.
I got a steamer.
I got a fucking dry cleaner.
I got a laundry mat.
All nine yards.
Yeah, I got an iron.
Yeah.
Do you iron your own clothes?
Do you still do the fucking hanging in the shower?
At what point have I needed a shirt to be unwrinkled in the last 10 months?
Well, starting next week, I want to fucking slacks in a tie on you every day.
Nice pair of chinos.
Yeah.
I just thought it was pretty trashy that we had, you know, the...
Wait a minute.
Paulie just said slacks and chinos.
Hey, goofy guy.
I don't know.
You're an alt comic, right?
You tuck one into the other.
He doesn't know what he's doing most of the time to be honest with you.
He doesn't know what we're saying or what he's saying.
Yo, you calling me an alt comic is the meanest thing you've ever said to me.
Listen.
Paulie's blacked out for most of the show.
You know the...
What the fuck?
You got a new album coming out.
Paulie's called Now Nor More Than Never.
Called I Love Now and Laterz.
I hear it's mostly country songs.
You know, the clothing rack, it was wooden and you would like...
You would make it yourself.
What's it called?
It would compress.
And then you would hook it.
Nobody knows what I'm talking about.
I hate this.
What are you, Asian?
What are you talking about?
What are we talking about?
Mom had one and she would just dry the clothes in the house on it.
Not put them outside.
We had a clothesline for a little while and then...
We had a clothesline.
Having a clothesline is fucking trash, dude.
Having a clothesline, but not in the summer when you put the sheets out there and then...
And then you can run through it like a lad in it.
Man, I did that for sure, dude.
I for sure did that.
Wow, that one just hit me in the heart.
He didn't run through the fucking...
One step ahead of the hood.
Gotta go to Panda Express, no.
That's no joke.
We're dining in tonight.
If you didn't run through the fucking laundry, you missed out.
Were you...
We had a dryer.
Yeah, so did we.
Still do.
Yeah.
You slept in the foyer.
Take it easy, John-John.
Yeah, I know, I did say that.
We had a dryer.
We had a dryer.
Double is my bed.
That was too much.
I apologize.
It's okay.
Man, I am having a good day.
Fun times here.
This is from Tyler on the Patreon over here.
Do you put ketchup on your eggs?
Which I don't know...
I'll smash that fucking computer right now.
Who the fuck...
I don't think that's trash either.
I don't do it either, but I think it is.
The more I think about it, the more I think it...
This question made me think it's trashy.
Because you're just eating the ketchup.
Wait a minute.
Yeah.
Yeah, scrambies are a delivery system for ketchup.
Are we talking scrambies or are we talking...
That's trashy.
A good egg.
You don't really need...
If you're doing the yolk and everything.
It overpowers it.
I'm sorry, Farm Fresh Freddy.
Listen, bozo.
Adults don't eat ketchup.
Anytime anybody takes a hard stance on food,
fully just immediately disagrees.
Adults don't eat ketchup.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, this is also coming from a guy who...
Shower...
Talking about insurrection over here.
Horrible.
The only thing that I think ketchup should go on is hashbrowns.
Hashbrowns.
Or a hot dog.
From Jerry's in Chicago.
Holy place I get it.
That's how fucking little you know about the great city of Chicago
is you never put ketchup on a hot dog.
You fucking loser.
It's Golden's Mustard.
Listen, hold on.
Slow down.
As we know, we've discussed this...
First of all, thank you for the question.
He also answers it like he's on a fucking debate.
It's just so ridiculous.
Yes, you put...
It's not trashy to put ketchup on...
To put eggs...
To put ketchup on...
You can't even say it.
It's not trash.
You put them on there later.
Ketchup on eggs is what it's there for.
That's a...
This is a very polarized question.
I don't...
I was...
Dude, a little bit of...
First of all, scrambled eggs
and a little melted cheese in them
and some fucking ketchup on there.
But make a little...
Make a little eggy sandwich on there with the toast.
I don't know why you do baby talk
anytime you talk about breakfast.
Get a little eggy sandwich.
Get a little eggy sandwich.
Get a little cheese cheese.
Get you, get you.
Put it in my tummy.
Tell me what the airplane...
You little...
You little double stuffed big potato.
Look at you, you little goody body.
I don't know.
I'm leaning toward...
I could be swayed.
It's not classy.
Hot sauce and ketchup.
A little sweet and spicy.
Come on.
No, you got to picture yourself...
Okay, if you're at like a...
You know, if you're like at a really nice place
like a country club, right?
And you order eggs,
will the eggs have ketchup on them?
On them?
That would be weird.
Well, it's not going to come out on them.
But it's also like...
Yeah, it's not your nanny in there for you.
Well, the fan...
Put yourself at that table at the country club.
Can I get a sign of ketchup?
They would bring you out ketchup.
They either going to have it in a nice bottle...
I think they give it to...
A country club or a ramekin.
I think they give it to them because you get potatoes.
It's for the potatoes.
It's not for the egg.
No, they're giving you a nice aioli
at a nice place like that.
It depends how nice of a course it is.
We talk in private, semi-private, public.
What do we talk?
And now, where are you basing this on?
Something you've seen on television?
No, no, no, no.
You've only gone sledding in a country club.
Quick as the groundskeeper.
Everybody split.
Meet up at the Panda Express.
They said they closed at five.
I don't know.
Meet up at the Panda Express is so funny.
No, I know nothing about it.
I'm just saying, if I picture myself at a country club,
am I seeing ketchup on any of the tables?
No.
I disagree.
I don't know.
The classier restaurant you go to,
the less ketchup you get, right?
One, we can say it's not classy.
It's not classy.
I'm not saying it's not classy,
but you have to agree that putting ketchup on eggs
is not classy.
I ate at...
Answer the question, you're on it.
What's the question?
You're on it.
I've asked you four times.
Who's asking the question?
The judge.
Objection!
Answer the question, you're on it.
Have you ever been in court?
No, I'm not a fucking criminal.
Which guy over here gets to grow the fucking judge?
Do you know who my dad is?
Tell him to call me, please.
What's the question?
You can admit that putting ketchup on eggs is not classy.
If you disagree with that,
we're canceling the whole show from here on out.
I'll admit that.
It's not classy.
Okay, all right.
Per se.
Per se.
If I'm at a Chick-fil-A shop, then...
Sometimes it's the only classy answer.
It is delicious, and it's...
I'm not going to say whether it's classy or garbage,
but it's expected.
No, why would you want to do what the show is?
It's a thing.
Why would you want to play a game?
It's a thing.
Yeah, so, yeah, it could be a trashy thing.
I'm saying I think it's a trashy thing.
I think I have it locked down
on why it is unequivocally trashy.
Because no matter where you get ketchup,
it will always be hines or hunts.
No matter how nice the place is,
no where is making their own...
It's always coming in a bottle
that sparks that ketchup.
Okay, but it's not...
It's the exception of the rule.
That's kind of trashy, too.
That's like 0.01%.
I worked in a place that made its own ketchup.
Look, no matter what...
Couldn't afford to eat there, but...
No matter what...
It doesn't make his own moonshine.
It doesn't make moonshine classy.
No matter what, ketchup is a piece of shit,
because whatever you're getting it from,
the bottle is farting at you when you're done with it.
With a little bit of pre-com.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nothing that when you're done pouring it goes...
It's classy.
There you go.
Dirty martini comes out like that.
And also, if you can just...
A Hollandaise sauce container doesn't do that.
If you can exchange the condiment with another table,
like, hey, you're done with that,
and then put it on your table, it's trash.
How do you feel about that?
Are you that... Can you do that?
Hey, you done with that ketchup?
That's the most trash, but yeah, you could do that.
What about singing happy birthday to somebody
when it's not your table
and they come out and they're singing happy birthday?
Can you join in?
Yeah, I'm always in.
I like performing, so...
He brings an electric guitar.
I stand on the table.
I go,
Happy birthday.
One more time with feeling.
And a one.
And a two.
You're flat. You're flat.
I'm yelling at the...
Table six.
Nancy, you got to pick it up a little bit.
I'm yelling at the waiters at Fridays.
What about saying it's your birthday
to get a free dessert?
Have you ever done that?
I've done that at a bar to get free booze.
I've walked into a bar and I've been like,
it's my birthday
and everybody buys me shots and shit.
And then I walk out fucking a free man.
You walk into a bar.
Wouldn't your friends have been there too?
Well, I'm with my friends.
And I go,
I'm going to tell everybody it's my birthday.
Oh, that's pretty good.
That was big for me when my buddy Pat
would get way too drunk at a bar
and ultimately a fight would happen.
You know, like some guy,
like he would just grab someone's ass.
He would do what he used to call crab
and he would go around and just grab people's asses.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So we would get in fights all the time.
To explain his poor behavior.
Yeah.
Hey, sorry man.
So it was always his birthday.
We were playing a game called sexual assault.
He only did it to guys.
So he would get,
so people would be like,
you fuck this guy, just grab my fucking ass.
Like every fucking time.
He's really fucked up.
It's his birthday.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, all right.
I'll let him go.
Like we're taking him home right now.
One time I got so fucking hammered.
This is another rock bottom moment for me.
And we're all at Patty McGuire's.
Shout out to Patty's.
Love Patty's.
This is back when the world was open.
And I'm hanging out.
We're all there, the comics,
the wait staff from New York comedy club.
And I turned to Christina,
who's the head waitress in New York.
And I go, watch this.
I'm going to make you laugh so hard.
There was a girl at the bar talking to her boyfriend.
She has her phone out of her pocket
in her back pocket.
And she's just,
I didn't know these people.
And I go, I'm going to try and steal that phone.
I'm going to give it back,
but I'm going to see if I can.
So bad when you get one of those ideas in your head.
And you're like, I'm doing it.
And I'm going, I'm going,
I'm going to pickpocket.
I'm going to show how good I am at pickpocketing.
And Christina the whole time is going, don't do this.
Don't do this.
Like it sobered her up.
Yeah.
Don't fucking do this.
And I walk over and she's like taping me.
So Christina goes,
there's no way I'm going to stop him.
I will.
I will take,
I walk right up to her.
I grabbed the phone for the second.
She immediately notices,
just starts screaming at me.
What the fuck are you doing?
I start laughing.
I'm so sorry.
Walk away.
And then Christina has to fix the whole thing.
Yeah.
He's fucking hammered.
It's his birthday.
What about the boyfriend?
Yeah.
He wanted to kick my ass too.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But nothing happened.
Pussy.
I know.
I'll pick pocket his chick.
That's what you thought.
I'm going to press her.
Pull her away.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know,
in your head, part of you was like,
if I'm,
if I'm,
the only reason I'm saying it now is to get ahead of it,
just in case,
just in case it comes out.
If there's any success in my career.
If this album really pops and you end up on the,
yeah.
All right.
This is from Jesse Ray riot.
Ever cruise around in your car with ever cruise around your
car in the middle of winter with all the windows down with
the stereo cranked up to look cool.
Fuck yeah.
I'm a big fan of did it last week, son.
Oh yeah.
I'm huge with the blasting the music outside of it.
And also a big fan of in the summer, windows down AC on
wintertime windows down heat on blast.
Feels great.
I guess mother earth, I guess.
Yeah.
Right.
Let it all hang out.
Cover my whole body in toilet paper.
Go kick a couple of seals.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Take a torch to the polarize cab.
Whatever.
Yeah.
That was big.
Especially when you got it, when you first got a car,
I went and put fucking speakers in it.
Yeah.
A head unit and fucking 50 cent was hot.
Oh yeah.
First song I listened to.
Bump and many men driving.
Yeah, dude.
Fucking blasting juicy by by.
Here is the difference though.
You're garbage.
If you do that, you're fucking trash.
If you get to like a stoplight or something like that and you
don't turn it down.
When you're moving, that's OK.
If you're the dickhead who sits there for long periods of time,
you're fucking trash.
I did that a lot.
I did that a lot.
I was always like, these people want to hear this.
I really thought that.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
Sags.
Cool.
Sorry.
Sag love.
You're in high school.
You have some buddies or a chick in your car and you want to prove
how cool you are with the music selection.
What are you putting on?
Like rap, rap music, rock music, stuff like that.
The stuff that I like.
No, not genre.
I'm like band specific.
I feel like everyone has something they put on the show.
Probably like Green Day or something or like Eminem or whatever.
I don't know.
Do you have the time to listen to me?
Whoa.
You guys heard.
How many Green Day, I don't know this answer, but how many Green Day
tattoos do you have?
I have one Green Day tattoo.
We've discussed this.
Brandon is the level of trash where he has the tattoo of an actor
who played a famous writer in a movie rather than the actual writer.
I have Johnny Depp on my chest.
He has Johnny Depp as...
Jesus.
Right by my heart.
Hunter S. Thompson.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I just got this new tattoo.
Yes, this is a piece of shit.
I got a neon flamingo.
The jacket's coming off.
I got a neon flamingo because I always thought that would be pretty cool to get.
That's pretty cool, actually.
I'll give you that.
Yeah.
I mean, for you.
For you.
Well, that's the thing.
It's also a tattoo so no friend could ever be like, dude.
Dude.
I remember it was big when my friends, you can't shit on it.
You know, you can't be like, oh, all my friends got tattooed.
When their first tattoos were all words.
They all got words or sayings.
Words are so trashy.
Like my buddy got loyalty down his leg and he was like the most unloyal guy.
Like, dude, he was like banging people's wives and shit.
And like, he literally got the word loyalty on his leg and we were like, what?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Dude, we really called it the one time we called him stealing from our other buddy.
He was stealing a Jimi Hendrix CD.
We called putting in his cargo, his cargo pants.
It's just like, dude, I have a friend and then people would get just like only God can
judge me or like the AA thing.
I have a friend who has the please accept me for the things, the things I cannot exchange,
blah, blah, blah.
All down his fucking chest.
I'm going to drink over here.
Yeah.
There's so many, so many.
I just remember being like, I don't do like, dude, look at this.
I'm like, yeah, the font's cool.
I guess.
Like, I don't know what do you want me to say?
Words are so trashy.
And that's coming from a guy who has the word punks on my hand.
Wow.
What's the origin of that?
This is the Green Day tattoo.
Warp tour, 94.
Billy.
Did you get that done at Pace University?
2003.
Billy Joe Armstrong has this tattoo.
Right there?
Yeah.
Wow.
I got it.
Wow.
You ever do that?
Now, you were younger than them, correct?
Yeah.
Yeah.
They're like older than you.
Yeah, they're like in there.
They're a little bit older than me.
They're in there like late 40s.
Yeah.
So they're a little bit older than me.
I just want to make sure.
So that was the...
That's not...
Listen, you take...
Because you take...
That's what I'm saying.
You take a lot of shit.
I'm 29.
Yeah.
You're 29 years old.
Yeah.
So you take a lot of shit for liking Green Day and like...
What do you get?
I don't know what he's getting at.
I'm going to say it makes sense because you're younger.
Yes.
Than them.
So it was okay for you to look up to them.
It's not like you were a 40-year-old man.
Okay.
It would be weird for you to look up to...
If I had a fucking Green Day tattoo.
You don't look up to people that are like...
Younger than you or anything like that?
You look up to me.
I admire them.
But I wouldn't go so far as to get them tattooed or like...
Well, of course.
I know that...
Well, it's different.
Once you have tattoos, getting another...
The barrier to entry is way easier.
Like I'll do this.
I don't give a fuck.
I was also fucking...
I was like 22 when I got this.
I mean, yeah.
I wouldn't like go get a Billie Eilish tattoo.
Like make that a part of my identity.
No.
But I'd probably get something that was like...
I wouldn't get like Mac Miller's name written on me,
but maybe something that I'll...
But he's also about your age, right?
He's younger than me.
He was younger than me.
Way younger, yeah.
Not way, but younger, yeah.
He was about two years younger than me.
All right.
Two years I'll give you.
Yeah.
Because I admire the guy.
I love his music, so...
Okay.
You know.
But I probably wouldn't get a tattoo.
But it would be like...
I don't know.
It would be something.
You get a Mac Miller tattoo.
We ain't talking about it.
Mac Miller's a great guy.
He's a great artist.
Do you guys have any tattoos?
No.
I don't have a fucking Long Island trace.
Fuck a new tattoo.
Come from a nice family.
Philadelphia.
I didn't sleep in the living room.
You also have a 57 Chevy tattoo on there.
Oh, that is you.
I thought that was Travis Barker.
Or does he have the same one?
I don't know what he has.
But I have a Ford Thunderbird.
There's like diners.
Which, when I go to a tattoo parlor...
Have you ever been in a Ford Thunderbird?
Not ever.
Oh my gosh.
He's got a tattoo of a car.
He's never been in.
This is from...
I feel like all of your tattoos were on the wall.
Yeah, dude.
In the tattoo shop.
Yeah, dude.
This is literally...
Yo, sweet Skylark, bro.
Yeah, I got a Ford Taurus on my chest.
The wagon edition.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, this is what's really trashy about this and the flamingo tattoo was I just Googled
neon flamingo and I took like something from the first page and gave it to the guy.
Sup, Brooke.
You put this on me.
And the same thing with this.
I just Googled like, I don't even remember the date of this, but it's like Ford Thunderbird
57 or something like that.
And I just...
I have a man's car on my chest.
Just some guy's car.
Yeah, just some guy's car that he was...
Oh, really?
It's an actual picture of a car?
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
Jesus, dude.
You are.
That's Jerry Olasky's car.
I know that T-Bird.
I know that T-Bird anywhere.
I know that T-Bird.
He lives down in Boca now.
He was a periodonist.
That guy was pedophile.
You're just doing the John Flippid from Seinfeld.
Oh, yeah.
You just did that.
Fucking word for word.
No, I didn't.
John Voigt was a periodonist.
That was it.
And then I mixed a little bit of it.
Yeah, but you got Jerry...
You got John Voigt's car.
You got John Voigt's labyrinth.
You did the bit, okay?
I'm not talking shit.
I was just thinking it's funny.
You didn't have a Coke.
Keep cut.
Yeah.
All right.
All right.
All right.
All right.
Let's get...
This is from Jason Vissner.
He's a periodonist.
He's a periodonist.
He's a periodonist.
He's a periodonist.
He's a periodonist.
He's a periodonist.
All right.
All right.
All right.
Let's get...
This is from Jason Vissner.
He's asked this a couple of times and I never got to it.
He goes, I just want to know if anybody had a Rubik's cube as a kid that never got solved.
That's fucking hilarious.
I feel like that could be on a T-shirt.
I knew that was never gonna happen.
I didn't think you could.
I remember Junior High somebody did and I was like, what?
I never even...
Yeah, I mean...
I was at home and told my parents.
Yeah, Junior High.
I think I'd know the smartest person on earth.
Yeah.
No, I never bought a Rubik's cube because I knew it would never get done.
Yeah.
I knew it would just be a fucking...
I was more of a magic eight ball kind of guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That did the work for me.
Yeah.
Well, I ever solved a Rubik's cube.
Nah.
The future looks bleak.
That was...
There was solving the Rubik's cube and when I was a kid, the big thing was somebody beat
Mike Tyson's punch out on Nintendo.
Nice.
And they videotaped it somehow.
No one ever saw it taped.
But...
It was always somebody's cousin's friend or something.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was somebody's cousin.
Here's a question.
When you did something in an arcade where they asked for your initials, what did you put?
S.
You put S?
Well, some of them would block out, like, dude, I can't put S.
Yeah, I always put S.
Yeah.
I never got that high a score, to be honest with you.
He was more of a snack bar kind of guy.
He had a high score there.
They gave out tickets to eatin' pizza.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm on Amazon right now.
I'm ordering a Rubik's cube for the studio.
We'll put it in the background.
If any guest solves the Rubik's cube, I will give them $200.
No guest is gonna be able to solve the Rubik's cube.
Don't do that because anyone could solve a Rubik's cube.
You're just throwing away 200 bucks.
Yeah, you can Google it.
Yeah, you're throwing away $200 of our money.
Yeah, yeah, you're not saying...
You're throwing...
This ain't coming out of the slush fund.
I'll tell you that.
I'll tell you what, a Rubik's...
Any cash...
We'll give you $200 and you'll give them $200.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A Rubik's cube is not as hard as you think.
It is.
No, it's not.
There's a pattern to it.
There's an easy system behind it.
There's an easy system to it.
It can be...
Anyone can be...
You can mix it up however you want.
It can be solved in like nine terms.
Yeah, I mean, you should be giving 200 bucks to someone who could explain string theory.
No, no, but that's how confident I am in the lack of ability of Rubik's cube solving
and anyone who will ever be on the show.
Can you do it at all?
Fuck no.
No.
Oh, you're saying if a guest can do it.
I guess.
You'll give them.
Oh, I thought you meant like a listener.
Fuck no.
Next week, I just booked a Rubik's cube champion of 2020.
Little Asian kid.
Soda.
Soda comes in.
It's like the Queen's Gambit.
Rubik's cube.
Okay.
Rubik's cube.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
That was very Chicago.
Toby, by the way, I'll give $200 cash money right now.
200 bucks.
I got it.
And 200 bucks might be the trashiest number.
That's good that you think it's a lot of money.
Yeah.
Listen, I'm guilty of this too.
Somebody who says that they'll give you money for doing something usually don't got the
money.
I'll give you $500 right now.
You fucking eat that whole thing.
One of the biggest things.
This is how trashy I am and how trashy of a family I come from.
My cousin married a dude who played in the NFL and made a lot of money.
Hey, dude.
I know exactly what you're talking about.
Farv.
Lives in fucking my hometown.
All right.
Hey, hey, hey.
Keep the big man's name out of this.
You know what I mean?
But he had a lot of money, right?
And he's a partier.
He was like an offensive lot.
So it was just, he was just a big partier.
Yeah.
Love to booze.
And I was a poor comedian for a long time.
And still am.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
He would buy you and sell you an old furniture.
Part of him would, he would get, and he would be like, you know, 100 bucks, you could do
that.
Like jump in the bay and swim to that.
And I was, I used it like an ATM machine every time I went down the shore, dude.
Yeah.
He'd be like, 300 bucks to do this.
I'm like, I close it off.
I'm done.
I'm late on rent.
Do you want me to eat any bugs for you?
Kevin goes down the shore and turns into Steve Oh.
Just doing fear factor for 100 bucks.
I'll eat this dirt right now.
I swear to God, dude.
Eat those night crawlers.
How much?
Good stuff.
Good stuff.
This is from Dave Smith.
Have you ever pre, not the comedian, have you ever pre, have you ever prematurely cut
a cast off or helped a friend cut a cast off?
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Did you have, I picture you had a cast on your arm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
On my arm.
Yeah.
I remember.
I mean, it was one of four places.
It was either legs or arms.
Yeah.
My dick had a cast.
Oh, on his arm.
I got it.
I go ahead and cast.
Yeah.
You guys are just running out of trashy things.
Did you have a cast on your arm?
I knew it.
This guy's trash.
It was.
Oh, no.
And it was bright orange.
And it definitely had lyrics.
What was that?
I was always told that they were for...
Trashy people.
No.
I was always, because I used to, I inquired about it.
My mother said that would never happen.
I would never let you get one of those.
What?
I think they were more expensive than a regular plaster.
Dude, first of all, you never got a plaster cast.
Yeah, I did.
No, it's not more expensive than plaster, because the plaster isn't the color.
It's the wrap that they put around the plaster.
The wrap?
You didn't get a plaster cast.
Check out fucking the good doctor.
Yeah, yeah.
I went to med school.
You know what's really trashy?
You ever do this?
You ever do this thingy where you fucking, you go like that?
Has a guest ever done anything that's like...
Pop the microphone?
No, we haven't.
You go.
Yeah.
And then check that out.
I don't think we're surrounded by like $10,000 in equipment.
He's lighting all fireworks over here.
Why is there smoke coming out of there?
That's a question for next time.
Not so smart.
Now I am.
School of visual design.
Yeah.
What the fuck are we talking about?
Oh, the cast.
Oh, the cast.
Yeah.
No, it's a wrap.
And you could get any color.
You could get any color.
It's free, or is it cost more?
It's free.
Because I wanted to get the colored rubber band on it.
That's why I brought it up.
Don't say colored.
The different colors ones.
There you go.
And my mom said no, because they were more expensive.
That's trashy.
Now, would you do the math as a 45-year-old?
Do you think the blue rubber bands were more money?
If demand was high in, kids thought it was cool.
No, it wasn't.
Supply and demand.
I mean, what's a rubber band cost you?
Me?
Personally?
I don't deal with rubber.
I don't deal with rubber.
I don't deal with rubber.
I don't deal with rubber.
Come more of it.
I don't deal with rubber.
I don't deal with rubber.
I don't deal with rubber.
I don't deal with rubber.
I don't deal with rubber.
Right.
That's right.
I don't deal with rubber.
Right.
I don't deal with rubber.
But personally me?
I don't deal with rubber.
I don't deal with rubber.
I don't deal with rubber.
That was more of a staple, guys.
And you want to run my business?
And you want to runrate?
Yeah.
I had to go on The Dark cast.
And I thought I was the coolest fucking guy.
You wonder do you guys break some of theseã‚¥ something?
I had this broken for like two years.
And so, they just had to keep macaroni.
It was bad.
That's great.
But then one time they went through each color and I went through it like every color.
He's like we got glow in the dark, he's like lean on me, dude.
I'll be a real big piece of trash.
That's awesome.
I thought I was so cool.
Go to cosmic bowling.
That's the shittiest fucking thing in the world.
Glow in the dark is great, though.
Anything glow in the dark when I was a kid, I used to fucking lep through my mind.
Yeah, because you didn't believe it.
You were like how does this, this is a color that it glows?
Yeah.
Anything from a cereal box that was glow in the dark.
One, that couldn't have been good for you.
No.
Two, fucking fantastic.
Oh, yeah.
When you figured out if you put a light, if you put it really up to a light that was
really charged, yeah.
Right?
Yeah.
All right.
This is from Nate.
Did you ever fuck with your neighbor's TV from outside with a universal remote?
Jesus.
What are you?
Dennis Domenis?
No.
What the fuck is that?
Oh, wait.
I might have actually did that.
Yeah.
Yeah, I might have actually done something like that, but I'm not 100% sure.
I remember when like, I don't know if it was like Palm Pilot or something kind of hit
or a cell phone or something you could do it on and in school because like we were at
the age when like we had TVs in our school in like senior year, like high school.
Fancy.
Kids could change or like turn it on and put it on like Jerry Springer and like the dumb
teachers are like, what the hell's wrong with this TV?
I will say this.
I did.
Poor bastard.
Shout out to Mr. Jacobs.
During the winter, we would walk around with laser pointers and this was around Christmas
time when people had those giant like snowman floats on their front lawn and we just aimed
the laser pointer at the snowman floats trying to pop them and shit, you know?
Would it pop?
No.
They would never pop.
It's a flashlight.
Yeah.
Couple of fucking eggheads over here.
Let's go down and blow up the Santa Claus and ruin Christmas.
Quick.
Get the lasers.
Let's go blow up the power plate.
Hey, John's got laser self-loathing.
Let's go blow up the power plate when I go in the darks.
Hey, be careful with that.
It's a laser.
Johnny's going to steal his dad's laser.
I thought you were going to say that you used to point him at pilots and try to hit them
in the eye.
We would do that.
Pilot thing.
That's like a federal offense.
Yeah.
How strong do you think these lasers are?
No.
We're using like, we're using like fucking.
We're not at the runway.
Yeah.
It's illegal.
Hey, Delta, get a load of this.
It is illegal.
It is illegal.
It's illegal to point a laser pointer at any kind of flying.
Yeah, but like a real laser pointer.
We were using like, you know, the one that you could put the top on and show a naked
lady.
Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Show a naked lady too.
They're getting them on the boardwalk at the Broadway.
That was just wrong.
They could breach out there.
No, they can't.
Boardwalk at the Broadway ball is so funny.
Yeah.
We're getting them like those balls.
You're not taking down a jump.
The green ones.
Yeah.
Are you sure?
Yeah, dude.
But we would, we would.
I mean, if you're hanging out at the airport, yeah, don't do it.
Yeah.
There's like two different laser planes.
There's the ones that you get at the Broadway mall or whatever.
And then there's the green ones that were actually, they would pop balloons and you
could actually get in trouble for aiming.
And we never got those.
They're like 200.
It's 200 big ones.
He's sleeping in the living room.
He doesn't have weapons.
I'm sleeping in the den.
Yeah.
Doesn't have a weapons cache.
Yeah.
Doesn't have weapons cache.
He doesn't have high end weapons.
I feel like if you sleep in the den, you definitely have ninja stores somewhere.
Yeah.
I agree with Toby on that one.
Yeah, but not lasers, dude.
Come on.
I've always gotten very close to getting weapons.
There was a kid in my, my, my.
He fell through last minute.
Well, I always got scared at the last minute, dude.
I got your 12 chocolate milk.
I just got the cocktail.
The meetings would go sour.
You got the stuff?
Huh?
You got the money?
I just smell it.
Well, here in America, they didn't know we had a deal.
Who brings gushers to a business meeting?
It's, I smell rat.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You take Burger King gift cards?
This guy's wearing a Walkman.
Walk.
You got the money?
You got the lasers?
There was a kid named like.
You sure they'll reach up to a 747?
Yeah.
They'll reach up to a 747.
Will they pop a snowman?
Yeah.
They'll pop a snowman.
Don't do anything you want, my friend.
Now that's four packs of Dunkaroos.
Let's go.
I'm going to pee myself.
Holy shit.
That's fucking great, dude.
That's so fucking funny, man.
I almost bought a gun when I was in high school.
Who asked you?
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
What did that come from?
We're talking about weapons.
He jumped to firearms pretty quick.
Yeah.
When did you almost buy a gun?
When I was in my junior year of high school,
there was this kid in my.
So illegally.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think so.
Yeah.
Guy with that jacket doesn't own a legal firearm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He's not playing by the rules.
I don't want anything with numbers.
Or have a legal job.
No, but I had a class where you would build sets for the like shows,
the high school shows.
So we would build like sets for them and one kid was like,
you want a gun?
And I was like, yeah.
I got really close.
He was like, we got the gun.
And I was like, I don't want it anymore.
What was doing?
Was this a.
Microprocesses, Jaguar.
Yeah, microprocesses.
Microprocesses, Frank.
I'm the guy who does his job.
You must be the other guy.
We'll probably be at war with Valley High in a few years.
This guy's selling him guns.
We're going to need lasers.
Listen, these are all departed references.
Just everybody's on the same page.
Yeah.
Wait, was this a kid in school?
It was a classmate.
Wow.
That's how fucking like you become a commercial.
You blow in your fucking head off in the den with that thing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Do you have the time?
He's got the gun.
Yeah.
Or, you know, he's playing air guitar with it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm going like this with two guns.
Two and drums.
Yeah.
Wait.
Yeah.
Or I brought it to school or something.
Back it up.
What class did you take where you built sets for high school?
It was called like, I forgot what it was called,
it was like stage thingies or something.
Called sad.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Were you in the play?
No.
I auditioned for a lot of plays and I just never got it.
That's why you bought the gun.
One time I...
I'll show him a Peter Pan.
I'll show this artistic director who can play Serpico.
There's a street car named Smith & Wesson.
Coming in.
Wendy!
Wendy!
Is that a Long Island trash name?
No.
It's just Wendy's.
Wendy's.
Oh, Wendy's.
Hey, keep up.
Will you bozo?
Keep up.
Will you bozo?
Got a USB cord up to this kid's forehead, will you?
This guy's on fucking power save mode.
Somebody get me an ally to clear my head a little bit.
You were so innocent.
What is that?
A Long Island trash girl's name?
I thought you changed your...
Shut up, you.
Shut up, you.
I thought you said you turned into fucking Tony Soprano.
Shut up, you.
Shut up, you.
I think I got a hernia.
That's not all you got.
This is from Adam.
Did you ever insist teachers call you by a name that wasn't your first name?
Oh, yeah.
What?
Uncle Jesse, call me Trail Mix.
Well, like, you know...
A deep cut on Full House.
That never really happened, but like, you know, sometimes if you were trying to push a nickname
for a while...
What was the nickname you pushed?
Because last episode we talked about...
We talked about this.
You don't give yourself a nickname.
You tried to give yourself a nickname?
I had a buddy who said, yo, guys, what's up?
Call me J. Ho.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he was like, 18.
I was like, nah, dude, I'm not doing that.
No, no, you never asked for a nickname.
What was your nickname, Brendan?
I asked people to call me Pyro.
Cut the tape.
We have all we need.
Pyro.
The album is called...
No, not here, not ever.
Not now.
That just took the wind out of my tail.
Now I don't know the name of it.
Pyro.
Yeah.
Why is that?
Because I wanted to be like...
I carried her lighter.
You know how to rig lighters?
Oh, man.
You go take the safety off?
Yeah, you take the safety off.
Remember that?
Trash.
They were like, we would've, but you didn't buy the gun.
Well, for the longest time, this was also after X-Men 2 came out.
You like that, kid?
Yeah, we get it.
That kid sucked.
You're like a big Ice Man fan, too.
No, fuck that.
No, I was always Pyro, dude.
Pyro.
Sup, guys?
Call me Pyro.
He didn't even have a costume.
He did a costume in the comics and the show.
All right, how old were you?
Fourteen, maybe?
Pyro.
And maybe 15.
And yeah, I wanted to have that as my personality.
The kid who loved fire, who was so obsessed with fire for a while.
Yeah, it always works out for that kid.
That kid's always welcome at other people's houses.
Hey, you're talking to a guy who almost bought a gun and is obsessed with fire.
Maybe be a little bit nicer.
Yeah, fidgety, what are you doing to the fucking water bottle over here?
Sorry, fuck.
Jesus.
God damn.
I feel like I'm on fucking trial here.
Get a little hotter than these lights.
Yeah, I got a question for you, your honor.
Objection.
You think Pyro could handle the heat?
Yeah.
There it is.
Fucking great.
For the guy with a gang name, you sure buckle under pressure.
Squishin' bottles and stuff like that.
Yeah, whatever.
I had a gun.
I almost bought a gun.
My dad cheats on his taxes.
Starts givin' everybody up.
But make sure they put Pyro in the newspaper, okay?
Pyro, rats, everybody out.
All right, all right.
Let's do one or two more.
This has been a fun one.
Thanks for hanging out.
My head's spinning.
I'm having so much fun.
This is from Comedy Artwork.
Shout out to Comedy Artwork.
Yeah, shout out.
What is the weirdest thing you've eaten in your car
while actively driving?
Wow.
The weirdest?
You can't do anything with utensils.
You gotta go like sandwich us off pretzel, a bag of chips.
Maybe like a diner burger.
You've eaten a burger while driving?
Like a diner burger, too.
Yeah, in the wrapper.
Not in the wrapper.
There's no wrapper with a diner burger.
You just take it out of the styrofoam.
Oh, okay.
That's a tough one.
That is a tough one.
Someone's gettin' the deluxe.
Nice.
It's bringin' for the pickle.
Or like a Chipotle burrito or something like that.
Well, the burrito's wrapped up.
That's messy, but yeah.
It's super messy.
I always do knife and fork when it comes to burritos.
In the car?
In case anybody's wondering.
In the car, though?
Let's put it in the cup holder.
Yeah.
I don't think I've ever done anything real crazy.
Yeah, no.
Yeah, just like a sammy or something.
Maybe spaghetti.
Spaghetti?
Yeah, if we were like...
That's so crazy.
I've done nothing crazy.
Yeah.
Maybe spaghetti.
Yeah.
Charlie Kelly.
Oh, from Always Sunny?
Yeah.
I like how Toby didn't answer me.
Just stared at me.
I don't know.
No, no.
I like making any reference past 2003.
Oh, yeah.
If it's not Caddyshack, he doesn't know what the bug's goin' on.
Back to school, maybe.
Ladybugs, huh?
What the hell is a goonie?
Yeah.
All right, one more here.
Yes.
Let's see.
Let's see.
Let's see.
This is from Ian.
I know you don't smoke, but this...
Smoked what?
Sigs.
But...
Actually, no, let's do this.
This is from...
Let's do that.
Ian, I don't want to fucking...
Have you ever broken a stick and figured out a way to still smoke it?
Which is, I mean...
Yeah, you pinch it together.
You pinch either.
If it's a whole...
You gotta pack a Bernie's on which you can steal those out of my pocket?
Oh, baby.
Oh, baby.
No, I didn't steal these.
You're smokin' now?
I'm smokin'.
No, really?
Since when?
Oh, it's okay.
Sometimes I'll buy a pack.
Well, I'm not drinking, so I need something to fucking...
I didn't drink all week.
I've been smokin' like a fucking asshole, yeah.
But, like, I'll finish a pack, and then I'm like,
I don't want one for a while.
And then two weeks will go by, and I'll buy another pack.
All right.
Yeah, if you get a hole in it, you gotta...
But, like, I've gotten to the point where, like, I, like,
really whittle it down on one end so you can stick it in and, like,
kind of make it together.
I've broken one, and then taken rolling papers out of my pocket,
and I've used it as a bandaid.
As a wrap, yeah.
Yeah.
That's gross.
Yeah, just throw it out.
Yeah, throw it out.
Throw it out.
Well, when your hand...
I'm not doin' it when I got a full pack of Bernie's.
I'm talkin' about it as I find one in my car.
I'm gonna bag.
I would tear the filter off and smoke it the other way.
Do it unfiltered.
So I would...
Oh, will you, Joe Camel?
Cool.
Cover...
Fuck.
What's the...
The Simpsons reference?
The...
Come on.
Nobody tell him.
Let him burn.
Habanero!
Oh, Toby's got him.
Candian arrow.
They won't get it.
Candian arrow?
Even if you get it.
Ah.
Fuck.
I threw out a gem a couple weeks ago.
They left me out the fuckin' dry.
That's why I like you, Toby.
It's all movie references.
Simpsons and...
Oh, he's...
He's spent.
The big man's spent.
We gotta get him out of here.
Shimmy, shimmy, wherever you are.
You can tell when his blood sugar gets low, he really starts fuckin'
in people.
Gang, our friend, Brendan Sagalow has a brand new album out right now.
Mm-hmm.
Called Not Now More Than Ever.
Called Not Now More Than Ever.
Please go check it out.
Absolutely fantastic.
Fantastic episode.
Thank you, everyone, for the questions.
Thank you for signing up to Patreon.
Thank you for everybody in the Facebook group.
We love you guys.
Brendan, you got anything else you wanna let people know?
Just my socials at Brendan Sagalow on everything.
And my podcast, Garbage Days, was Scott Chaplin, former guest.
Very funny.
Just had him.
Yep.
Which, by the way...
I think I could whistle better than that, fucka.
Not at all.
Not at all.
Not even close, but I'll allow it.
You know what I do sometimes?
I'll do like the bird.
Like a french fries just came out of my mouth.
The bird.
You ever do this?
You ever eat a bunch of french fries and bite your finger?
But all that ketchup on there, who can tell?
I have a podcast with Mike Feeney and Mike Cannon called
What's The Scenario at patreon.com slash scenario pod.
Beautiful.
Bleep that Patreon plug.
Kippy.
Why?
I can't get it right in comedy on all social media.
And like I said, please make sure you subscribe on iTunes.
Keep us in the top two hundo.
We appreciate that.
Full video available on YouTube.
Those numbers are true to fucking roof.
Thank you so much.
And also patreon.com.
We're closing in on our next goal.
Guys, yeah, the pod's successful because of you guys.
I mean, you know, we appreciate you.
It's all you guys.
It's we're a fucking three man team trying to fucking make this work.
I appreciate all the fucking support from you.
It's been awesome.
Thank you so much.
We love you guys and we'll see you next week.
Peace.
Oh, it's that old pesky uncle Hank.
He's back.
He's back.
He's going to be talking about the stereo up again, mom.
You're goddamn right, kids.
I'm talking about the stereo app because we love them.
All right.
Tonight, January 28th.
If you're watching this episode, when it comes out, we're going to be going live.
On the stereo app tonight at 9 p.m.
It's going to be uncle Hank and kippy answering your questions.
We're going to be talking.
It's going to be absolutely fantastic.
And I want you to remember something.
The stereo app is absolutely amazing because it's for Android and iPhone users.
Okay.
And it's not just are you garbage on there?
We know that.
All right.
We didn't launch our own app.
We got involved with the stereo app.
They have a million different things, million different conversations going on over there.
They got pop culture.
They got lifestyle.
They got comedy.
Anything you could think of any interest that you have, you will find it on the stereo app.
It is very neat.
And we highly suggest that you guys sign up and try it out.
Okay.
Support the businesses that support the podcast.
I'm telling you, I was on it last night.
It's absolutely fantastic, man.
It's fun.
You're bebopping around.
You're listening to other conversations.
You can get involved.
You can sit down and listen, whatever you want to do.
Stereo.com slash are you garbage sign up.
Download the app on your phone and sign up.
Build yourself an avatar.
Make yourself look however you want.
And we will see you tonight, January 28th, 9pm, January 28th, 9pm.
That's tonight.
If you're listening to the episode, the date came out and I know you are because you're
all faithful members of the Garbagio Army.
Thank you.