Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Brian Simpson!

Episode Date: August 12, 2024

Are You Garbage presents stand up comedian and podcast host Brian Simpson! You know Mr. Simpson from the Joe Rogan Experience, Stavvy's World, Your Mom's House w/ Tom Segura, Whiskey Ginger, the HoneyDew Podcast, BS with Brian Simpson, stand up comedy and more! Thanks for watching the Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast! AYG Live Show Tickets: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Displate: https://www.displate.com Promo Code: Garbage Chubbies: https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/garbage Promo Code: Garbage Mint Mobile: https://www.MintMobile.com/GARBAGE Adam & Eve: https://www.adamandeve.com/ Promo Code: Garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Is it garbage if your dad won an episode of Fear Factor in 2005 and still talks about it? Laughter Whole ball roaches Dude, that's such a dad thing to brag about Laughter He definitely still has to tape He said season 6 episode 3 Laughter

Gang, AYG Live, AYG Live, AYG Live Grab the squad and come out and see the boys in Red Bank, New Jersey, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and all along that Route 66 tour! All tickets available at RUgarbage.com! Welcome to another exciting edition of RUgarbage! The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute

trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R U Garbage. Oh, yeah. It's that little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that they're good to be classy. Yeah. Just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash,

trash. I'm your host, H. Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tooties in the new edition. She just got picked up by the cops selling bootleg Pokemon cards. Okay. We'll be paying for that bail in a couple of days. Sure. My co is coming at you from right next to me, Unamused this week, swinging a miss. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He is an international businessman and the king of the boardwalk, baby. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan. What up, gang? Thanks for tuning in.

As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube as you know those numbers are. True to RU. Cooking and obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com slash RU Garbage, gang. It's a gosh darn party over there. And how about a nice shout out to our producer extraordinaire. The old magic man makes us all look good. Works the ones, the twos, the threes, and the fours. He crosses the T's and he dots the I's. Give it up for

T-Bone McScruffins. Toby McMullen everybody. What up boys? Hey pal. I'm stoked. The guy we got in here funny as hell and about as chill as you can be as a human being Get a pulse on this kid Jesus you rolled it I didn't even know you were behind me Gang the long hair ain't lying because we could be more excited that were incredibly and I mean incredibly special guest here with this today for The first time he is a very funny very successful stand-up comedian and podcaster and you might have seen him in but not limited to. He got Lights Out with David Spade, he got the Stands Up, Stand Up, Nosy Neighbors, he got That's My Time with David Letterman, the Joe Rogan Experience, you can hear him every week on his amazing podcast, BS with Brian Simpson. He's on tour right now. Go to bryancimpsoncomedy.com to check out some dates and he's got a special over there on the Netflix live from the mothership give it up for Mr. Brian Simpson everybody there he is

the big man. What up big dog? What's happening? Thanks for coming. He did a little day drinking didn't he? You met today. Well take the edge off you know what I mean? Yeah but y'all just got a lot of energy. It's mostly coke. Y'all didn't give me any kind of, y'all didn't go we were gonna turn it up to ten. We were in here sleeping. Just yelled hike real quick. Welcome to the fucking show everyone! We started hitting each other. Yeah, just went straight Custy the Clown. All right. I love it. I love it.

Give us the backstory. Give us the origin story, Brian Simpson. Where are you from? OK, I was born in Washington, DC. All right. Put into foster care in Maryland, which is right next to the city. Really?

I didn't know this. Yeah, I was six. Wow. No kidding. Yeah, and then when I was 11, I got taken out of foster care, moved in with my dad. OK. And then when I was 13, I got put back in the foster care.

Yikes. Yeah, and then I bounced around until I dropped out of high school. I joined the Marine Corps. Really? I did not know this. I didn't know that, yeah, yeah, yeah. I moved to California. Holy shit.

Started being encouraged to do stand up, was too pussy. Okay. Got out the Marine Corps, worked at Intel for a little while up in there in Portland there. Okay. Then I left Portland, moved back home, worked at at Intel for a little while up in Portland there. Okay. Then I left Portland, moved back home, worked at the Pentagon for a little while, got laid off.

What? No shit. Yeah, moved back to California. This kid's been all over the fucking place. Yeah, went to try to go into school, started taking philosophy. Okay. And tried standing up for the first time and then that kind of made me drop out of school. That took off then there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy shit. Any brothers and sisters or was it just you? out of school. That took off then there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy shit. Any brothers and sisters or was it just you? No, I got lots of brothers and sisters. You have lots of brothers, but you guys were all broken up. Yeah. And how was the foster care situation? The first one, were they good people,

were they cool deer or was it a bad situation? The first one, no, the first one was dope. What happened at six that happened? That you had to foster care? So my biological mom had disappeared and left us with her mother. Okay. Okay, so you were with your grandmother.

Right. Gotcha. And then that was right when they started giving the fuck about lots of key kids or whatever. We had a nosy ass neighbor there. Sure. Somebody better watch these kids. Yeah, she called the cops and we got taken from her. Jesus.

And we got put with a... How many kids were there at that time? Just two of us. Just two of you. We got put with an auntie and our auntie already had two kids. So it became like we got to look for somewhere for them to be. So then we ended up going with his... Because he and I had different dads, we went with his dad's mom,

because she was already a foster parent. Okay, all right. So you're relatively in the family a little bit. No, not really. I was trying to give it silver lining there. That's his grandmother. If you think it's hard for a stepchild, imagine being a stepgrandchild.

Yeah, grandchild. Yeah, ain't no, there's no love there. So it was that kind of thing. And then my biological dad popped up and took me out of it. Okay. But my brother's not his son, so he didn't take him. So that's when we got split up. You know, and then he was like,

oh, this motherfucker, I can't handle this motherfucker. Sure, all right, so how, you said at 13, you met him, he pulled you out? No, actually, no, that's wrong, at 11. At 11, he pulled you out. Yeah, it was 11. And kept you till you were 13, then you him, he pulled you out? No, actually no, that's wrong, at 11. At 11 he pulled you out. Yeah, I was 11. And kept you until you were 13, then you went back into Foster.

Did you go back to the same house, or was it a different situation? No, no, totally different situation. And your brother was out of the picture? Right, because the first time was DC Foster kid. The second time was Maryland's Foster kid. Different situation. And how was that family?

The first one was cool too, the first one was cool, too. The first one was cool. The first few, actually, most of them was cool people. They were nice. But, you know, and the crazy ones, I just rebelled, like the ones I didn't like. How often were you switching? I never lived anywhere longer than a year and a half. No, man. What the fuck? Damn, that's crazy.

Are you still talk to your brother now? Are you guys? Yeah. Cool. Everything's good. Yeah, I mean, your brother now you guys? Yeah, cool. Everything's good Yeah, I mean, you know, we all grown up. Yeah, I mean everybody that survived is Going pretty good. What how many brothers and sisters total how many siblings? Seven, okay Not say mom and dad different mom different dad said or accept different mom different dad. Okay Would do they take you on vacation and shit as a kid?

Would you do stuff like that? Or was it pretty brutal? Oh, like come get you out of the foster home and go on vacation with everybody? No, no. Would the foster care families take you on vacation? Oh, yeah. I mean, it depends on the family. Right. Some people, it was just like, you're being warehoused. You know what I mean? Like, you're being stuffed in.

You're just being shelved here Yeah, Jesus And so it really depends on like the more you get moved around The harder it is to find somewhere for you to go because right right? I was like what the fuck happened why I keep moving yeah, so you get good labeled like a problem child when you would rebel What would that look like what would you do? I would just use the only power every kid has is like no fuck you Nope fuck you make me you fuck you, make me. You know what I mean? It was that.

Uh-huh. Damn. Yeah, I'm like one guy, it was this one home, one of the few that had both parents. Uh-huh. And the dad used to have this paper route. Okay. And so when I first got there,

like literally my first day there, it was like, you know, Sunday morning, come around,. And so when I first got there, like literally my first day there, it was like Sunday morning, come around. And I hear the whistle from the top of the stairs. And all the other kids hop up, get dressed, come on, let's go. But we got this long ass paper route. We were all like putting together the newspapers. Thought I was about to get a truck. And then at the end of that day, I'm like, so.

Where's my cut? No, right. It wasn't even that, but I was more like, hey, can I get a juicy from the store? You know, it'm like, so, uh. Where's my cut? No, right. Well, it wasn't even that, but I was more like, hey, can I get a Juicy from the store? You know, it was like, where you gonna get that from? I'm like, well, I just figured since we helped you make money. Spread the wealth, Daddy-o.

And it turned into, he was like, no, that's not how it works. That's your chores. I'm like, that shit might work on all the kids. Yeah, your chores should be getting him paid. How many kids were in that foster house at that time? Probably six. So it's not like I always had the assumption that foster a foster home was you had a wife and a husband or wife that took foster kids in and treated them as if they were

their family. No, that's called an adoption. Foster family Okay. Foster family sees more like he's starting a business. Yeah. So he had six kids in there and he was making them do his paper route. Yeah. And keeping the money. Yeah, and then the next day, he woke everybody up and I didn't go.

Like he kept calling down the stairs and I was like, fuck you. You know, and it turned into this whole thing. I'm like, nah, like I know. You know, and that was before I read Marx or anything. I'm just like. Before I read Marx. God damn, dude. I was just like, I'm not fucking.

Yeah, I'm not getting him. Taxation without representation. And he wouldn't give you kids any money. He wouldn't give you an allowance or anything. He wouldn't even give me any money, but not only would he not give me money, but he wouldn't even buy my damn 99 cent juice. Sure. So. So I'm like, oh nah, fuck that. What was what was dinner like at like that house specifically? Oh dinner was great because the mom was a chef. Okay. Like she was a she was a chef at a Resort. Okay, so she was cool. Yeah, she was hella cool. Okay. She was a little religious. Gotcha

I feel like a lot of them are sometimes Yeah, the stories I've heard Yeah, but they was she would they would make you guys would sit down as a family and have dinner no no Because you couldn't make these you gotta send these at the kind of kids you can make do stuff Sure, you know me it's more like a look were the kids worse than you like like when you're acting out, with like some bad... Every single one of them. Really? Did you have your own room? No, absolutely not.

How many kids were in your room? That'd be a big fucking house. I mean, the most kids I was ever in one room with was three. Bunk beds? Yeah, bunk beds. Were you able to put like posters and shit up on the wall and make it your own? Depends on where you at.

Yeah. Man. You know, the rules are different, the dynamic was different from place to place. And what was the two years with your dad like? Where was that? What you mean where? You mean like what, a city? Yeah.

That's in Maryland. Maryland. Was it like, what was it, were you guys in an apartment? Well, actually some was in an apartment, some was in a, I forget what you call it, like a duplex. Gotcha. How many times did you say you moved in your entire childhood? You know I've counted before but definitely well over 13 Probably 16 something like that

What would the holidays be like in the end in like that in that specific foster house? But they do like Christmas and shit like that and get your presents. Some places did, you know, was there any place? What was the place where you were like, this is dope? Like they had fucking snacks. No, but see, that's the thing about your kid brain. Right. Is I never thought any of them was dope. The ones I'm telling you is dope is is my 40 year old looking back and hindsight going, man, that wasn't that bad.

Boys. Yeah. But as a kid, I just like you'll tell me tell me one thing. Tell me one lie. And I'm and I'm not fucking with you. Tell me one. You know an adult loved a lot of kids. Sure. Right. When it's like when it's a conversation that they're not comfortable having or whatever you know they'll tell you the microwave runs from magic dwarfs or some shit. As soon as you said some kind of dismissive kids hit me like that You were out you it was just gonna be impossible for you to get me to do anything. I got you to trust them Yeah, what about like what your birthdays and stuff like that would they get you a birthday cake and birthday presents some places? Well, that's what that's where I kind of went to despise those kind of things mandatory fun

Yeah, not like we're celebrating this type thing Yeah, because it's like cuz they like what you want for your birthday to be left the fuck alone to despise those kind of things. Mandatory fun. Yeah. Nah, fuck that. Like, we're celebrating this type thing. Yeah, because it's like, because they're like, what'd you want for your birthday? To be left the fuck alone? I would love to just- This guy's an old soul, dude. Yeah, 50 year old man.

I would love to sit in my room with- What's that, a bookmark? I would love to have a carafe of- Red wine. Ice cold juice. Uh-huh. Okay. Like, and just sit in my room and play video games.

That's what I want for my birthday. But you planned a party. So now I have to do what you want for my birthday. That's why I don't do that shit. I don't even tell people my birthday. Man, soon as a bitch be like, so what time was you born? Soon as a bitch would be like,

what time were you born? Yeah, because they're talking about defense mechanism. I like it. Yeah, what the fuck are you pouring? Yeah, because of the- Man, talk about defense mechanism, I like it. Yeah, yeah. He's got a wall on. Yeah. Yeah, man, but I'm an open book, you wanna psychoanalyze, I'm not a normal person.

No, I've picked up on that. But I'm not angry, I'm just very, I don't have room for nonsense. You're very thoughtful, you're very deep, even in your standup, You're very thoughtful. You're very deep. Even in your stand up is very like, you know, it's very thoughtful and slow rolling and put together. Do you think you learned to hate that kind of stuff because of the situation you were in?

Oh yeah, for sure. Like if it would have been your mom and dad, everybody wants a birthday cake. But I think it was just a way of dealing with it. Right. The situation. Think about it. Like they got that Buddha shit, right?

And it was like, they invented that shit when ain't nobody have shit. So then their religion was, well, having shit is evil. You know what I mean? You ain't supposed to want shit. Trying to come up with that shit now when you got fucking Xbox. Exactly.

It just so happens. Shit's awesome. Now I want that shit. Those of us that don't have shit are going to heaven, guys. All these ones. Pets, buddy. Okay. Damn.

Any pets? Were there ever any pets milling around? There were pets milling around, but never none that belonged to me specifically. Gotcha. What did you, when you made the move from house to house, what were you take, what were your belongings? Did you have like toys and shit,

or was it just like a bag full of clothes and you're on your way? Sometimes I would just leave it all. Oh shit. Yeah, you have a bag and shit or was it just like a bag full of clothes and you're on your way? I was sometimes I would just leave it all. Oh shit You have a bag of clothes or whatever, but I didn't have no sentimental attachment to shit for real Which I'm starting to regret now sure, you know cuz now every night, you know now I'm old enough to have had long time friends and shit You know, they'll send me a picture or something from 20 years ago and I'm like, oh damn I ain't even take no piss damn, you know, but whatever Did you like action cold is ice? Did you did you have toys as a kid? Yeah. Yeah, I like the action figures

I had a Nintendo once You know, I had a I had a neo-geo cuz I would find the shit, you know I would find some they wouldn't get them for you like you want to foster people wouldn't buy you like You know, I would find some they wouldn't get them for you Like you want to foster people wouldn't buy you like a playstation times or they get it for you Then they renege the first like my memory my very first foster home. They got I actually came there on Christmas damn and And they hadn't they hadn't had time to buy me shit, uh-huh So they so I pictured him talking to me.

No, no, he ain't gonna buy me shit, I'm chilling. But they had a Super Nintendo that they had bought for the house, and they just gave it to me. Because, you know, and I guess their reasoning was, well, we gonna give it to, you know, they gonna all play. It's gonna be in there. They gonna all play. Way, well, well, but.

You get defensive over that? Well, for me, I'm just like, okay, well if it's mine, then push come to shove. I wanna play it. Then it's gonna be mine, you know, I'm gonna act like that. Yeah. And then the first time that happened, you know, she tried to play it back, like,

well no, I didn't say it was yours, yours. And I'm like, mm, yes she did, bitch. But that's okay. Because now I'm not gonna believe anything you say. Uh-huh. Yeah. Damn. So it was like, I just slowly stopped, gonna believe anything you say. Uh-huh. Damn. So it was like, I just slowly stopped. I don't care about pageantry.

Like, I would much rather you see something on a random day that made you think of me and get me that, than for you to go, well, it's his birthday. What is he like? Sure. Gotcha. This is how you make an assassin or a stand-up comedian. No kidding, dude. Get Mint Mobile, baby.

Shout out to OG Mint Mobile, dog. Love that Mint Mobile gang. Why are you paying so much for your cellular phone? Because you're a bozo. We're all bozos. This whole industry's got us rooked. You know, you could get it for $15 a month with Mint Mobile. And I'm talking about the world's largest 5G network.

Let's go. You sign up three months, 45 bucks, that's 15 bucks a month. Here we go. Yeah, my wife has been, I've seen it. My family's been using it for years. It's fantastic, it's easy. As a big man said,

all plans come with high speed data on unlimited talk and text, delivered on a nation's largest 5G network. Woo-wee! It's real simple. I know anytime you're changing with this, you're like, oh, thanks, this is going to port over, I'll do this, I'll do that.

Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan. You bring your phone number along with all of your existing contacts. You ditch the overpriced wireless with Mint Mobile's deal, and you get three premium months of service for just 15 bucks a month. To get this new customer offer for your new three-month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month to get this new customer offer for your new

three month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month. Go to mintmobile.com slash garbage. That's mintmobile.com slash garbage. You can cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash garbage. A $45 upfront payment is required, which is the equivalent of 15 bucks a month. New customers on the first three month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. Okay, what's up about Chubbies?

Oh, and I ain't talking about you, Chubzo. Stop the presses, gang. I found this swimsuit that I'm gonna be wearing for the rest of my life, cause they got a little bit of thing I like to call stretch, fit, let's go. You should be wearing it to the wedding. Buddy, I throw those things on.

Man, I feel like Michael Phelps. I look good in them. I get comfy. Plus, when I sit down, they don't slice into my belly because they got the stretch fit. Yeah. So I can enjoy a meal when I'm at the pool. I got introduced to chubbies at one point. A cousin of mine, larger, you know, thicker, chubbier gentleman.

Understandable. He showed up down to shore in Wildwood. What am I saying? Fresh pair. Fresh. They got cool prints and good fits. They're fantastic. Yeah. When it comes to true style comfort in the form of men shorts, you literally cannot do better than Chubbies iconic stretch shorts. They put Chubbies on the map for a reason they're available in four inch, five and a half inch and seven inch. I'm a four inch man. In seams depending on how much you wanna show your beautiful thighs off at your next event. Show the legs.

Show the legs, it's 2024, show a little skin. Sure. You compare the original stretch shorts with Chubbies lineup of Friday shirts and now you're cooking with gas baby. You go from a casual button-on to a retro-inspired prince, these shirts are built to kick back, chill out, or party on down, Daddy-O.

And would you look at that, folks, for a limited time? I love that. Our friends at Chubbies are giving our listeners 20% off with the promo code GARBAGE20 at checkout at chubbieshorts.com. That's 20% off your order with the promo code GARBAGE20. Support the show and tell them we sent you, baby. Embrace the freedom to move, the confidence to shine, and the style to stand out with Chubbys, dog.

Now back to the show. Back to the show. It's quite the origins story. How were the grades in school? Were you a good student? I was a good student if my teacher gave a fuck. Okay. If my teacher had passion, I was locked in.

Alright. No matter what the subject was. How many schools did you go to? Yeah, are you jumping schools every time or are you staying in the area? So many, I went to a couple twice. No shit. Like O'Brien's back.

Yeah, I mean I went to, I switched schools a lot. How was that with making friends and shit like that? It had to be hard. Getting any fights? I just didn't make, I got in fights all the time. Yeah. And that was part of, but that was Getting any fights? I just didn't make, I got in fights all the time. Yeah. But that was part of the problem, right? Because conventional wisdom is,

you know, well I don't know how y'all was raised, but y'all from Philly, so I'm guessing, you know, you was told, hey, if somebody fucked with you. Hit them. You gotta handle your business right then. You can't let it slide, because it's gonna keep going, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But the problem with that is, when you're a new kid, you know, people gonna try to test you. So you're new because you just got kicked out of the last place, right? And so they don't know if you get in any trouble, even if it's one that like, don't get you suspended or whatever, that could mean you out of this home

because you just got in trouble. So it's like the first time they fuck with you, you gotta choose, are you gonna let it slide so so it's like the first time they fuck with you. You got to choose. Are you going to let it slide? So you so you can stay in the home you win. Mm hmm. Or but then it's going to keep getting worse and worse and worse. Yeah. So like, are you going to let it slide or are you going to handle your business that day and risk? You know, you getting packed up.

What did you tend to do? I tended to let it slide until I just couldn't. And then I'm a fucking explode sure damn But but that taught me like discipline. Yeah, it taught me that like You know to be more psycho analyzing Of bullies and shit most of the time they just scared us on sure sure In their head you are why I'm crying Yeah, doing that cuz you got a little dick

in their head you are why I'm crying yeah yeah doing that cuz you got a little dick what that's what I learned that that whole trickle like putting vizine and people's drinks to make them shit themselves that's real dangerous shit that won't work how did you wait you've done that no but I but I looked it up like it's other ways to get revenge rather than getting them getting in the fist why did you bring up the fightizines? Putting a bunch of spiders in some kid's locker? Yeah, but vizines as a prank and a drink, don't do that. Yeah, it can be very dangerous, right? It can be super dangerous.

Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah, you better all just use an x-lax or something. Yeah, I think they're not shitting their intestines out or something. Jesus. OK. What was your first job, aside from that bullshit paper?

Yeah, my first job was, it's kind of blurry, but it was either the bakery at the grocery store or the soul food restaurant up the street. I can't remember which one I did first, but I quit both. And where were you living then? Is this in Maryland? This? Yeah, I was living in. I was living in Maryland right on the border with D.C. OK. I forget what the name of the street.

And how old were you? Probably 15 or 15. You're in a new foster home. Right. You get a job. Yeah. Bakery, grocery store. What was the name of the grocery store? Giant. You worked at a giant. Shout out to giant. Alright. Pretty good. Uh-huh. So no pets that you could claim your own. You never had like...... No, I have pets now. Sure, but never growing up a fish tank or anything like that. I mean, yeah, no, we had pets, but they weren't mine. They weren't yours.

Just like that Super Nintendo wasn't mine. Lying bitch. You obviously like that one. I love it. Okay, and then you joined the Marines. You didn't graduate high school. No. Okay, but the grades were good when you applied yourself. No, oh right, right, yeah, when I applied myself. you're in the Marines. Mm hmm. You didn't graduate high school.

No. Okay. But the grades were good when you applied yourself. No. Oh, right, right. Yeah, when I applied myself. Did you take the SATs? I did. What'd you get on them? I don't remember. I imagine you probably did pretty good. Yeah,

I don't remember what I got because I know that I already questioned the whole test and **** you know what I mean? Because I didn't have a calculator so I I I just flew through the math. Uh-huh gotcha But I think I did pretty good for not having a calculator and then you join the core What year is that that you that you join what age are you?

18 and I is 2001 2001 yeah yikes Okay, I joined in early 2000 before not to be free 9-eleven. Yeah. I joined in early 2000 before 9-11. So it'll be pre-9-11. Yeah, I joined in March. Okay, and then where did you... That's a curveball. Where were you stationed for that and what did you do in the Marines? I was an Air Operations Module Technician. What does that mean?

It means... You're putting the bombs on the plane? No, no, no, no, no, no. It means that I was responsible for the data being transferred from our radars to where they control the combat flights. Okay. So basically like, you know what air traffic control does? Yeah.

They like, planes take off and they leave, and that's it, right? So they control you when you're near an airport. But during combat you get passed off to someone else. Like once you're off the ground, other people are telling the planes where to be and like where to drop stuff and where to ref- And you were the combat guy? No, no, no, no.

I was the guy that fixed the equipment. All that stuff. I didn't talk to people. Gotcha. And the Marines taught you all that stuff. Yeah, but now none of that shit. They don't use none of that shit. It's probably all obsolete. It's obsolete. 2001. Yeah, when they figured out some,

now it's all like a laptop. And we always we had like four vans to do the same shit. Now they got it all on our laptop. Damn. And then you're in the Marines for how long? Five years. For five years. And then you're in the Marines for how long? Five years. For five years. And then how'd you get the job at the Pentagon? And when you said Intel, Intel the company

or Intel like intelligence? No, the company. Okay. Yeah, same thing. I already had a security clearance and it was a headhunter. No kidding. Got me the job.

Damn. What were you doing at the CIA? I wasn't at the CIA. The Pentagon. The Pentagon, I'm sorry. No. Maybe you were, I't really job. Damn. Yeah. What were you doing at the CIA? Pentagon, I'm sorry Maybe you were I don't know it was the same thing. I was just a technician just attack on shit Yeah, I like like I did I kept like, you know, he's gonna have to kill me now Server rooms cold the right temperature. Yeah, yeah shit like that. You had security clearance. Yeah, that's pretty So I had a regular like basically if not for the security clearance like Yeah. That's pretty good. So I had a regular, like basically,

if not for the security clearance, anybody could have done the job. Yeah, OK, I got you. But that's why you got recruited, was it because of the security clearance? Right. What level was that? What level was the security clearance?

I had a secret security clearance. Sounds pretty good. What's a job like that pay, pretty good? Yeah. Yeah, I's a good cash I think when I left this is in 2006 or seven. I think I was making $28 an hour something's pretty good Okay, and when you were so you're back in the Pentagon

Are you kind of around where you know was your family around you and stuff like that a little bit or were you kind of? Yeah, my family kind of everyone was around Everybody's grown up. You're what what is your brother do now? Well one brother Brothers are all doing different shit. Okay. Yeah One of my brothers has like a regular Like he has a government job. I forget what it is like. Okay. Security details or something like that. Everyone's doing well? Doing okay?

Yeah, I mean, some people in prison. Okay. Um, you know, some people just got kids. Gotcha. Living regular life. Yeah, yeah. Okay. It's a wild upbringing, bro.

Yeah. That's crazy. You remember any of your high school mascots? Um, yeah, I remember we had we had, one of them was, I went to this high school called Cross and the mascot was a cavalier. Pretty good. Not bad.

Which is just a fucking. It's a dude on a horse, right? A fashionable pirate, I guess. Yeah. A fashionable pirate. It's a pirate a couple of bucks on him. Did you play any sports in high school? I think I went to Oxen Hill. I want to say that was a was that a Hoya?

No, that was Georgetown. Yeah, George has the Hoyas. It was a tiger. OK. OK. I wrestled for a little while. OK. Yeah. But that, you know, that's too much commitment. How did you do in basic training? What you mean? You hate rules. You hate authority like you throw it. Sure, that's a good point.

Yeah, how was that? Flawless. Flawless. I finished basic training. I was the head recruit at the end. No shit. Yeah. Pretty good.

Take the gun apart and all that kind of stuff? I was the guide. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I did OK. Because I'm not a. This is Paris Island we're talking about, right? Yeah, this is Paris Island. OK.

Yeah, but I did OK in basic training. I mean, because I don't have an inherent problem with authority, but all authority is not worthy of your attention. Sure. Of your obedience. Yeah. That makes sense.

Good drill instructor, good guy. Yeah, two of them were great people. One of them was a giant piece of shit. Lied to me about Nintendo. Yeah, and the thing too is like, you know, but what I, what I also, because also what I found is a lot of times those people just get what they, they just get what they get. They get what they deserve coming, you know, you don't even have to do nothing most of the time. Okay, sure.

People that live like pieces of shit. Comes back around at some point. It usually does. Very Machiavellian of you. Yeah. Yeah, and I ain't talking about like supernaturally like karma or none of that. I don't count on that shit either. I'm talking about. Hit by a bus. Like they just literally they're drawing negative shit to them.

Sure, no. Yeah, I agree. How old were you when you got your passport? When I got my marine card. That makes sense. They give you a passport to the Marines. No kidding. Yeah, you have to have it to travel. Makes sense. I never thought of that. Can't be going to war without a passport in the Marines. Uh-huh. No kidding Yeah, you have to have it to travel. Oh, yeah I never thought of that. You can't be going to war without a passport You gotta save that shit when you get to Kuwait Do you think they check your pet? Do they check your passport with you if you go overseas for the military?

They're supposed to. No kidding. Don't you fly out regularly sometimes? Or like are you know, like how did you get to? Like leave the country? Yeah Yeah, you fly out. Yeah, but they still they still check your passport. Did you go did you get to like leave the country? Yeah. Yeah. You fly out. Yeah, but they still they still check your passport. Did you go anywhere for the Marines out of the country? Yeah. Where'd you go? I went to Iraq. You did. You were in Iraq twice. No shit. Yeah, we went via some other countries like Belgium or some shit.

Did you fly like a Delta flight to Belgium and then to Iraq? Right. Yeah. So you did two tours. Yeah, I did two tours. You did two tours in in Iraq yeah, but but I don't have a dangerous job I know but what the fuck Iraq it's you still sitting next to a guy to fly. It's not Wisconsin Yeah, dude, that's fucking crazy. He's like I'm going for business. What are you doing? I got war Wait you did you flew on a regular commercial flight you to leave like a base or something to leave here You do and then but to go there it's a regular military plane. You like fly to Belgium like with somebody going for holiday. You like fly to Amsterdam. No no no the whole

plane is us. Oh yeah yeah no no it's not you're not like booking a flight. Excuse me sir that's my seat. I'm about to go shoot somebody. No, no, no, no, no. It's a regular flight. But it's it's got you. But then you fly them. You plan a regular plane. Gotcha. Gotcha. To a regular place. And then you fly and you get on that. Then you go to the military base. Right.

Were the tours back to back or did you come home for a little while and then go back and home for a little while? And how was that? How was that experience over there? What years is this? This is 2003. Yeah, I think the fucking shit. And then 2004.

And what were you living in over there? The first time we were living in a tent and the second time we were living in a. Auto base. Unlike an air on like an air base. Well, eventually become an air base. Yeah. Yikes., and was it when you got there? It was just dirt fucking tense Yeah And then took over the mall and turn it in but I mean we transformed some shit real quick

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we have the best people like I don't think there's anyone in the world that's Can build like those engineers get in there and we have to see. We have C.B.s. Of course. Yeah. So the C.B.s don't fucking play no games. Yeah. Hell yeah. So they built the airstrip and all that stuff. They'll build anything. Damn. And they'll build. They'll do that shit quick. Damn. That's pretty cool.

My dad was in the Navy and he always had the C.B.s. There was a sticker and it was the coolest sticker ever. It was like a bee and he was like a strong. He was like, yeah, yeah. Cock.'s. There was a sticker and it was the coolest sticker ever. It was like a B and he was like, it's like a strong way. Yeah, yeah. He was cocked up and he was spitting bolts out of his stinger. And I remember that's the coolest thing I ever seen in my life. That's when they explained to me what the what the C.B.'s were. What was it? What was the what kind of planes were you dealing with?

Was it helicopters and regular and like fighter jets or to me? It was used all all of them. Oh, I wasn't dealing with no I know but but what were you working with? Oh, yeah, everything everything Yeah, and those point with those planes on the base that you were stationed at. Oh Just a number to him there he's big equipment I was just very much not never interested in more than like what I what you were doing. Yeah How was the tent situation? Was it brutal? Was it? Yeah. It was brutal, man. 100 degree.

Ah, no AC. Well, you had AC, but sometimes the AC would overheat, you know, let it get too hot. The AC don't do shit for you. How many guys were you in the tent with? Um. At that time, it was probably 20 of us. Yikes. Damn, two tours in Iraq.

Then you get out of that, then you get the job at Intel. Yeah. And then that was in where? That was in Portland. That was in Portland. So you live in Portland. Yeah. By yourself in an apartment?

Yeah. You got your own place? How did you get that job? How'd you land in? Headhunter. Headhunter, and then they're like, this is in Portland, so you're like, I'll take it and went to Portland. Actually, they recruited me.

Like, they, somebody tells them who's about to get out. No shit. No kidding. And they like, they call you and like, when you have like a tech, if you had a tech job, I don't think they can do it anymore. But back then, if you had a tech job, at least somebody would call you.

I'm like, hey, we need we have these positions in this city. Yeah, because they, you know, the headhunters get paid to go find people. Yeah. And when did you start doing comedy? Was it in Portland? No, no, I didn't start doing comedy till 2011. OK. And you were where? I was in San Diego. San Diego. What were you doing there? Going to school, growing weed. What school?

Right. The community, whatever the community college was. What were you doing there? Going to school, growing weed. What school? Whatever the community college was. So at that point you're what? You're 20... 24? No, I'm 20. I'm 26. And how did you pick San Diego? Because that's where I was stationed.

So that's where a lot of. Gotcha. You're 26. And that's where a lot of the homies was. Going to community college. And what was the major? Did you have a major picked out? Philosophy. That's the philosophy class and you're growing weed. Right, I'm helping grow weed.

Helping grow weed. Like at the house or like for the grow operation? At the crib. At the crib. Well, I was living at the grow house. Where they were, okay. Okay. That's what we were looking for.

Were you making good money doing that? No, I was terrible. I think that shit's so stupid. I can't, cause I can't do things where it's like, like it's too much of a feel to it. It's not an exact. Science.

Gotcha. You know? Gotcha. And how was the cash situation at that time? Were you able to save up a bunch of money being in the Marines? Because you don't have a chance to spend it or no? No, I probably had the chance to save up money, but I didn't save anything.

Gotcha. No, I was very poor when I started doing comedy. I mean, I had the GI Bill, so I was doing all right while I was still in school. Right, they paid for your school? Right, they paid for your school, yeah. Did they give you a little cash, too? They did, yeah. They gave you a little cash. OK. You know, what about that on?

I don't know. We probably we put books, gas money. It wasn't like a tremendous amount of cash. Gotcha. And what was your first car ever? And what age was that? My first call was a Mazda six to six. Oh, yeah. We were just talking about them. you know, what was that? My it wasn't like, hey, I'm going to go get one of the foster parents. Take our car now. Yeah, absolutely not.

So how will you how did you get around when you were like 16? Caught the bus. Caught the bus. Busted. Yeah, caught the bus, walked everywhere. Do you remember your first concert? My first concert was, I think it was the Black Family reunion in D.C.

Nice. How old were you for that? I was probably, I don't know, probably 14. Did you have friends at this time? Did you have anybody that you were close with? Or were you rolling around solo a lot? No, I mean, I had one friend, but he's dead. Thanks for bringing that up. I

have one friend, yeah, exactly. Okay. Man. Remember who the most famous person you met growing up was? They didn't even have to be really famous. It could have been like a local celebrity or a- The first famous person I met was MC Hamlin. No, I'm pretty sure that I met Ronald Reagan too, but- What you don't remember that working at the Pentagon I was very you know I was very young and He you know my school my elementary school was the closest one to the yeah to the White House when he was president Right and we went on a field trip to his To Air Force one no shit, and I got caught taking jelly beans out of his chair.

And when I got back to my school, he had sent a case of jelly beans for school. So I was a fucking legend. Damn. Because I got the whole school jelly beans. So he heard someone got in trouble for stealing your jelly beans. And he was like, yo, fuck that.

Here's a case of jelly beans. He came to our Christmas play and I was playing Santa Claus and so in my in my head I may or may not have like walked up like and met him like close up but I probably didn't okay I love the jelly beans hey Ronald Reagan came to your school's Christmas play yeah that, that's pretty goddamn sweet. It's huge, dude. Do you remember the jelly bean situation? What were they in?

They were in. They were in a cup like he had a little cup holder for his chair. Uh huh. And I want Air Force One on Air Force One. And I walked away from the tour and grab some of the jelly beans. Not thinking, you know, this is a present. He's got plenty of them. Yeah. Do you remember if they were jelly belly or not? Were they good jelly beans, not thinking, you know. See the president's got plenty of them. Yeah, and they- Do you remember if they were Jelly Belly or not?

Were they good jelly beans or were they shitty ones? They had to be good. No, they were definitely jelly, they were a specific brand that he likes. I think it was Jelly Belly. But he had the assorted joint. I think he was like- He had the assorted joints.

He's like, I'm a regular man, I'll pick through the ones I don't like on my own. Yeah, he's a man of the people. Right. He still run on regular jelly beans. God damn leader of the free world. So in my head, he probably came, because they let me keep them. And in my head, they were like, oh.

Who catches you? The Secret Service. Brian, what the fuck? I thought the teacher somebody got you. No, no, whoever was giving us a tour, which I'm guessing is the Secret Service. Yeah, they can't be letting you fuck with his food. No, no, no, no, no. And then it was kind of like, just keep it. Like you fuck with his food. They were like, no, no, no, no, no.

And then it was kind of like, just keep it. Like you got your filthy hands. I mean, it's open. You know what I mean? And obviously I'm not an assassin, but I don't know. They can't risk it. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm guessing when he went to load up, he was like,

where my fucking jelly beans? And I'm like, oh, this little kid in here took them. Don't worry. We screamed at him. Yeah. He was like, a black? And he was like, yeah. He little kid in here took him. Don't worry, we screamed at him. He was like, a black? And he was like, yeah. He's like, this is PR champs, PR champs. That's awesome, dude. There's probably kids that went to that school that still

love Reagan to this day. Sure, sure. Everybody up with jelly bellies. And what was the MC Hammer? How'd you meet MC Hammer? You know, we saw him. Same thing, stole his jelly beans. He loves Eminem. We saw him at Six Flags. You saw MC Hammer at You know, we saw him. Same thing, stole his jelly beans. No. Loves M&M's. We saw him at Six Flags.

You saw MC Hammer at, like, he was attending? No, he was just there. Was he wearing the pants? Um, I don't remember, honestly. That's crazy. I feel like you would remember that if you saw MC Hammer in MC Hammer pants. Because I feel like he was probably wearing a version of those pants. Sure.

He didn'trab one. He definitely didn't have the three fifty seven girls or nothing like that. Who were you at Six Flags with? My family. Your family? Yeah. OK. My dad and my and my stepmom. Like this was during that two year period. Got a thirteen year. OK. Ran an MC Hammer at the amusement park.

He didn't seem to be having fun. You know, but that's when that was before I knew he was he was out of money. And oh, yeah, because he went at that point to me. It was just it was still hammer. In fact, I think I think that that was right after he did the video with the. OK, didn't him and the others have a song? Yeah, they did. I can't remember. It was like must be the money or the on had that career to legit remix something.

It wasn't a hit. Yeah, I can't remember. Yeah, it was at the tail end. Straight to my feet. Straight to my feet. It was terrible. Which how did he lose his money? He was just spending it, right? He just blew it. Yeah. So one of the things that he made 35 million or something one year or in two years. Taxes, agents, lawyers, all that shit.

And then it's like, you know, that shit is gone so fast. Whew. Kip, let's talk about disc plate. Oh, shout, all that shit. And then it's like, you know, that shit's gone so fast. Okay, let's talk about this plate. Oh, shout out to this plate. What do you use? What do you use? The paper posters like a bozo. I'm an idiot. And you stick them on the wall and it cracks the wall and

then you don't get your deposit back. We're talking about quality metal posters that take two seconds to get up. Talking about fun stuff. We're talking about Marvel. We're talking about Marvel. We're talking about Star Wars. Absolutely fantastic. They got stuff from Netflix, NASA,

plenty of games, movies, including official Bad Friends designs. Each product is a high quality design printed on metal and hand signed by their master of production. Hey, there you go. Display created a unique, easy, safe magnet mounting system that only takes 20 seconds. That's it.

It's easier to set up than looking for the thumbtacks. I always taped it and always ripped in the corner. And you're sitting there like a bozo. Then you got chicks coming over. You're trying to impress them. I got a I got a I got a ripped 50 cent poster on my wall. Display delivers its products worldwide in only four to five business days. It's a perfect alternative for standard paper posters that often get damaged,

like I just said, and it doesn't leave marks on a wall. A dog-eared poster is a tough look. Use the link in the description or go to Displate.com slash RUgarbage to use and use our code garbage at checkout to get 27% off one or two Displates or this just in 33% off two or more displates. Displate, collect your passion. Do it. Kit, let's talk about Adam and Eve. Oh baby, knock knock, boner alert.

A little naughty time, ladies and gentlemen. Gang, Adam and Eve is the pillar of the industry. If you're Linda shoving stuff in you. Do yourself a favor. Get over to Adam and Eve. Have a good time. It's 2024. Don't be caught up in this and that and the other thing.

Experiment a little bit. Enjoy yourself, whether you're with a partner or solo like me. Do your thing. Adam and Eve, get weird. Sure. Adam and Eve respects your privacy too. Plus they have a 100% free shipping with- They know how to keep their mouth shut.

With rush order processing on your entire order. So if you gotta get done, it's gonna get done now. That's what I'm saying. Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping, which includes the rush processing as I said before. As the gentleman mentioned. As the gentleman with the boner mentioned. Please you can

bring more please you can bring more pleasure and satisfaction into the bedroom or the living room, the kitchen, wherever you're doing your business. Just enter the code garbage at checkout. That's garbage. G A R B A G E at adamandeve.com. This is an exclusive offer to this podcast so be sure to use the promo code garbage to get your discount 100% free shipping and it gets there fast with Rush ordering with this is exclusive offer to this podcast. So, be sure to use the promo code garbage to get your

discount 100% free shipping and it gets there fast with Rush ordering with Rush processing code garbage. Do it. Let's do it. Alright. Huh? Man. And now you're down in Austin, right? Right. Got your own place? Yup. Chilling? Chilling.

Doing well? You living in a house or an apartment down there? A house. Got your own house. Do you own it or do you rent it? Rentilling. Doing well? You living in a house or an apartment down there? House. Got your own house. Do you own it or you rent it? Rent it. Got a pool? Yeah. No, but the house next to me is unsold and there's. You're swimming in that pool? I'm well, I'm not

yet. But I'm hanging out by the property line in my in my bathing suit. Several times I've caught the real to. No **** I'm not gonna put a stopper in line in my in my several times I've caught the realtor. No **** Having a little suarez. Really? And I'm thinking if he is, she is, she is. I'm thinking if she throwing a

little suarez, then what's she gonna say to me? Yeah. That's pretty. You gotta get in there. I think I might jump. I might hop in there. Is there a fence? There is a fence. Her. Hot tub, anything like that at the house? And my neighbors do. No.

Guy down the street. But I don't, that feels like a boy too much of a pain in the ass. I think I'm gonna get a sauna. Okay. Sure. But I think that's all I need. Okay.

And what are you whipping around town in down there? What are you driving? Audi. Very nice. SUV or the sedan? Sedan. Audi, Audi A6. A6? You lease that or you own it? Lease. it lease at least and it don't buy luxury cars. Love it. I'm a big fan

What's the what's the air freshener you got in there? Actually, you know, it's funny you say that I got a lot. Okay. Hmm. You smoking in the car? No Okay, that's one place. I don don't smoke. You smoking in the house? It's a lease. No, no, no. Ah, right. It's a lease.

They don't care if you smoking. They don't care. They don't give a shit. In the lease? Yeah, they don't care. They might hate you. Like a hundred. Now, they won't.

They don't give a shit. Especially if they want the car. They don't. Because I turned my old one and it was ripped with heaters. Yeah. And they really don't give a shit. So right now in the car, I got an app that like it connects. Wait, really? It's called a well, they don't sponsor you.

Are you sure you want me to say? No, it's all right. What is it? Pure. Yeah. Is it? We have that in the house. Yeah. So they haven't for your car. No kid. Wait, what does it somebody explain this right now is bamboo. So it's like a plug in and you have like a subscription service and they'll send you you can pick You know pine cone whatever and they send you different ones. Oh, so it's like a device that's sitting in there. Yes

And you can plug in two smells to each one Yeah, you can schedule them times to turn on and what intensity and so forth that seems pretty trashy But I kind of like that real nice real nice And you can and there's an app that controls them on this one for your car as well Yeah, like she has the ones going during the day and then at night she changes the descent. It's a different vibe I kind of that's pretty good. It switches up the vibe on you. Okay. Are you eating in the car? No, don't eat in the car. No, you know smoking in the car. How do you keep the house? Are you a pretty are you a pretty tidy guy?

No. No. I live in, it's a balance between, like I like to be right on the edge of chaos. Okay. You know? I know it all too well, my friend. Like right where, if this gets more out of hand,

This is bad. I'm gonna need help. It's a chose a different life. Right. But also if everything is spick and span that feels wrong okay like a sir like about your ones my house is too clean yes like it feels not lived in what else it feels like now it feels like I gotta be like I don't yeah you gotta mind your P's and Q's it's not comfortable um you know you're a

successful guy you started making a couple of bucks. Any stupid purchase that you look at the first big check or the first tour check or whatever. I didn't need that's fucking stupid. Hmm. Stupid purchase. Hmm. I mean, I'm definitely subscribed to a lot of streaming services that I don't use. Sure. Yeah. But I don't know. Sure. Yeah. But I don't know if that's a stupid purchase.

No, no, no, I mean, because you signed up for something at some point. I mean, you know, I definitely bought something that I couldn't afford. Yeah. But then there was some kind of mistake and I ended up getting it for free, but I still made the stupid decision.

What was it? I bought a almost $10,000 TV. Jesus Christ! Yeah, that counts too. That's the stupid purchase. Wait, what was wrong with that you got it for free it it So I sign up when I bought it. I signed up for this stores card to buy it

There's their stores credit card right man. That's how they get and then they sent me and then they shipped it and it was something wrong with it and They kept giving me to run around about the shipment and then finally they're like, someone will contact you, stop contacting us. And I stopped contacting them. And then nobody ever contacted me to fix the thing. And I kept checking when I was gonna have to make a payment

on this credit card and it never charged me. And then after like a year went by, it like closed itself. Oh dude, like inactivity or whatever. Yeah, and so so you just have a do you still have this TV? What does a $10,000 TV look like? And what's broken on it? Well, it's not broken. That's the thing, but it's not perfect And and that's what you're paying for you're paying for perfection. I have ten grand. What is it that's not perfect about it? Well without getting too in the weeds, it, it, it. Still a case pending on this, it sounds like.

There's still some, there's an NDA involved. No, it's, but it has some banding problems. So basically. What's a banding? I don't know what that is. Toby, I'll put it to you like this. Just sometimes, if the TV, if what's on the screen is supposed to be a certain shade of gray, it's not an even gray through the whole screen.

Gotcha. So it's not like a crack running across the screen. No, it's something that you would not notice. So you got a $10,000 TV for free? Yeah. Alright. But I didn't plan it I Bought it when I shouldn't have but now I can afford it

And what how much money what would you think your net worth was at the time when you like is it like was it like fuck? I got 15 grand and I'm buying a $10,000 TV or was it a little better than that It was probably like 20 grand Probably I probably had 20 grand. If you're not worth it. I probably had 20 grand. It was like, I'm fucking ballin'. And are you that much into TVs? Or do you play video games on it? Are you a big video game guy? I'm a big video game guy, but that's on my computer.

I know my TV just for watching. Okay. So are you into the quality of TVs like that? Or was it just a flex? No, I'm you like into the quality of TVs like that? Yeah. It's like, it was just a flex. Yeah, I'm very much, no, I'm very much into the quality. Okay. Okay. The picture quality and, you know, it goes, the technology changes so fast. Yeah. So is that, is that like a...

Yep. That's crazy to me. I mean, like, how big is it? 80, 85 inches. That's a big TV. That is a big TV. Is it in the living room? It was, yeah. Where is it now? Now it's in my second room. Gotcha. Second, because it's probably a little obsolete. Yeah, because I don't have company.

So like that, I want to wait. Sex. So like another bedroom in the house. Yeah. So what's what's that in the living room? Now there's no living room. No living room. No. What's in the space for the living room is there is no space for a living room. We just have two bedrooms. No living room. No. What's in the space where the living room is? There is no space for a living room. You just have two bedrooms? Yeah, I have two bedrooms in a giant kitchen.

It kind of bleeds into like a little office. I know what you mean, gotcha. Okay. Okay. That makes sense. Is the gaming set up? High refresh rate, you got the RGB, like real? Oh yeah, the gaming set up is top notch. I got a,

I got a 70, 7, 100 XTX graphics card. Just the computer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's all good. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And then my monitor is the the the same something like the new 30, 32 inch OLED. Yeah, 240 hertz. Damn. 4K. Yeah, it's all good.

It's all good. All my leisure shit is top notch. Okay. I got a giant bean bag chair. You can't tell me shit. Top notch. Yeah, I mean, it's all I need. I mean.

Are you cooking in the house? Do you cook? Yeah, we cook. We get down. Really? Yeah, I actually haven't cooked in this. I mean, I just moved. OK, so I haven't cooked anything in this house, but like we get down.

All right. You're ordering a lot. Order too much, probably. Yeah. Take what was the last thing you ordered? At the house, not ramen. Ordered Rambo ramen. Yeah, I'm a big ramen guy. Do you put that in a bowl or do you just eat it out of the thing?

No, you put it in the bowl. Okay. All right. How are you with the chopsticks? You good with chopsticks? I'm pretty decent. Okay. I think I'm never gonna get like a black belt in it. Gotcha. I'm with you. I'm the same way. But manageable. I don't do it right either, but I can pick shit up. And, uh, hmm. How many, uh And how many suits do you own, and do you know how to tie a tie? I own two suits, and I do know how to tie the tie, but it's not in my damn immediate bag. Gotcha. I had to have

to be refreshed. Are the suits anything special? Are they designer? High-end? No, I have a black one and a blue one. Yeah. Okay. Okay. You own a tux? No. All right. You wear shoes in the house? No. Shoes off rule. I come over, follow you to me if you ever take your shoes off. I won't do that, but I will judge you if you don't, because it's very obvious. If you walk in somebody's house and there's a

pile of shoes by the door, like what you walking past that powerful? You know what I'm saying? Like don't make me have to ask you to take your shoes off. Okay. All right, any fireworks in the house right now? No, no, no, no. If we went to your house right now and asked for water,

what would I get? Bottle of water, cup from the faucet, fridge, what do you got? Brita? You get triple filter Brita water. Triple filter. All right. Tap down there in Austin is a drinkable. I would never know. I mean, what kind of that does not TV think I'm drinking tap water. Definitely not drinking tap water.

Triple filtered Brita. I like it. When you say triple filtered, you mean you're running it through it three times. I'm talking about the fridge. So, there's my fridge filters. Okay. And I fill the britter up through that. Very nice. So you go to the grocery store down there?

I do. Where are you going? HEB, unfortunately. No. What? HEB is good. Solid. No, they aren't.

They're trucked to fucking garbage. Trash? Yeah. They don't take the tap to pay. Oh. They don't take the tap to pay. Oh, yeah. Them and them, them at Home Depot for whatever reason. These motherfuckers are behind the times. Yeah, I just did that. Is there a Whole Foods down there? You walked around the whole fucking store, got to the front and you had to leave.

Is there a Whole Foods down there? What's what's the fancy grocery store? They do have Whole Foods, but I also but I think they have another one called like something market, but it's just H's just a TV's like I like boutique and Are you going only tap to pay no no cars with you generally? I mean, I mean, I mean I have to have them when I'm on the road just in case But you think what the most one of the major? Grocery store brands in the country would have it, you know

That seems wild to me to roll out that crib with no fucking card though. No? Man, I don't know. I know, but it's one of the things like, OK, since, you know, when you're in home, when you go to Home Depot, it's usually because you're missing something. Like, you know, I'm just running to the store real quick. Sure. I mean, I understand. They're behind the time.

Like, if I'm leaving the house in general, I'll bring my wallet. But if I'm if I know I'm running to the store real quick. Yeah phone typically works What is say you're at, you know a local mall Your dinner time. What's your go-to in the food court? chick-fil-a Gentlemen's answer. Mmm Probably just about, you know, two chicken breasts

and some waffle fries. Wait, two chicken breast sandwiches? No. Really? You're just doing the chicken breast? Yeah, you can get it without the bread, just the tomato. Whoa. No kidding.

That's pretty good. You don't like the sandwich? I don't like the bread, and I'm trying to avoid the unnecessary. Sure. I'll take a carb that's worth it. Really? But if it's not a car by

love I'm not what's the point do you keep it pretty tight as far as the diet and stuff like that no I get what you're saying if you're being yeah yeah it's like there's no point in taking the car but I'm not in love with will you eat over the sink no come on how do you normally eat dinner are you sitting down at the table are you sitting in front of the the TV? I'm usually I usually usually at my desk and I have a okay have a table. I pull out from He turned to the side Like a gentleman, how do you feel about the rotisserie chicken?

You know, I think the rotisserie, a rotisserie is the, it's the most forgivable fat boy activity. You're not wrong, man. You know, cause you can smash a whole rotisserie, but you're not judging yourself the way if you smash the whole pizza. It's all protein, yeah. All protein, baby. I mean, you definitely don't want to film it and run that footage back, because then you look fucking disgusting. But. Sure. But yeah, rotisserie, I think it's the most guiltless.

Indulgence. Right. Yeah. But it is crazy work to just smash a whole rotisserie. Yeah, it's not bad. If you eat it right off the spigot, or what do you call it, the spit, right off Uh-huh that might be a little more judgment. Yeah Huh, you can't have it or giant fork or just No long handles

Yeah, did you go to your prom you go to a prom? No no prom. Okay. I think I said they was Your dominoes or Pizza Hut if you had to choose one Okay. I think I said it was for nerds. The defense mechanism, I like it. Yeah, it was definitely the defense mechanism. Your dominoes or Pizza Hut, if you had to choose one? Oh, Dominoes, hang on. Mmm, damn. You know, growing up, there's no... I never thought the day would come where I would be answering this as dominoes. Sure.

But it's... Yeah, that's the way it went. That's what it is. You went to the Pizza Hut, you had the Red Cups, it was fantastic, the place was great. It went downhill. I remember when the crust was buttery, you smoked, yeah, they just went downhill big time. Domino's is beating them carat lead and it's not even close.

But they are bringing that buffet back. I don't know if you guys have seen that. They're bringing that buffet back. I've seen the news, I've seen the headlines. It's coming back. There's actually vacant Pizza Hut's throughout the country that they're going back and buying so they don't have to do like they don't have to build a new pizza I love it. So women pizza head is bringing a buffet They had the buffet in the 80s and 90s you would go would be like 499 all you can eat pizza and breadsticks from like

I want to say it was like 10 to 12 30 or or something like that. But what's it gonna be now? It's the same thing. All you can eat pizza. All you can eat pizza and breadsticks. And a salad bar. And a salad bar, yeah. It's all right. Yeah, cause I kinda do vaguely remember that.

Which one had the little thief? Remember the noise? That was watch out for the noise. The noise, that was dominant. The little thief. No one's called him that, the little thief. That's a, that motherfucker's running around stealing your pizza.

Which one of them had the little sticky-figured bastard? That's not what he was doing? No, he was. He was running around. Watch out for the Noid. The Noid steals pizza. Oh, did he steal pizza? I don't think he just caused trouble. I didn't know. And the Ballyboo in High Kick. He wasn't just mischievous. I thought he was just an asshole. Nah, he was stealing people's pizza.

Do you know karate? No. How do you feel about the deviled egg? Um, if done correctly, yeah, right on point. All right. Yeah. Are you a mayonnaise guy? You like mayo? I'm not. I don't. I'm not anti-mayo, but not not into it. No, no. I like mayo if you honest about it. Okay. You know, no, because look, let's let's keep it a buck. White people try to put seasoning in it and get past this aioli bullshit. That's just mayonnaise.

You're not wrong. It's just mayonnaise. Aioli is just mayonnaise with other sauce touched it. Yeah, but so yeah, don't trick me into the mayonnaise. Tell me there's mayonnaise there. How do you feel about potato salad? Love it, if done correctly, once again. Will you eat store bought potato salad?

No. Okay. Okay. Have done correctly, once again. Will you eat store bought potato salad? No. OK. OK. Have you ever. Potato salad is one of those hot button foods where it's like, I will not I wouldn't be able to to to just be nice. Gotcha. So if you serve if you invite me for dinner and like, say your wife made potato salad and it was gross, I wouldn't just not eat it. Yeah, I did the bachelor party for my buddy who was getting married, and I went and bought,

we did a little barbecue and I probably bought a hundred dollars worth of potato salad and nobody touched it, all right? And I pulled somebody aside, I was like, why is anybody eating potato salad? And they were like, black people don't eat store bought potato salad, they don't fuck with it. Nobody touched it.

And here's the thing too, that's kinda not accurate. Black people, it's not that black people don't eat with it. Yeah. Nobody touched it. Yeah, well, cause, and here's the thing too, is like that's kind of not accurate. Black people, it's not that black people don't eat store bought potato salad, is that we have to know who made it. I gotta be able to, like I gotta be able to see the person that made it. Is Gary working today? All right, give me a half a pound.

Exactly. Half a pound of potato salad. That's funny. Yeah. All right, okay. How do you feel about Nutella? Do you like Nutella? Nah, I don't get it. What do you get about it? I don't get what's so good. I've had it before and I'm like, this is not amazing. It's okay.

It's a spread. It is a spread. Do you have a sweet tooth? No, not really. No desserts? You don't like lava cake or rice pudding or cheesecake or anything like that with cheesecake a banana pudding Good bread pudding sure love a good bread pudding. I love a good peach cobbler damn Yeah, Apple turnover down there in Texas. Well, you said you weren't a fucking dessert guy. I mean, you know, well, he said sweet tooth. I don't know. I don't know.

I would define myself as a sweet tooth, but I do love a nice turnover. Yeah, like because to me, a sweet tooth is somebody that's like once they have one sweet, like they just they can't stop. God, sure. The doctor says stop. Have you had kolaches yet down there? I love a kolach. Yeah. Go to the suite or do the savory savory Yeah, are you a Buc-Eez man? Fuck? No

the Texas people's obsession with Buc-Eez is so child Fucking hillbilly Wawa Cuz they take it they talk I'll tell you why because the first time I got to be like, oh you gotta go to Buc-Eez Yeah, you got a go to buck. It's okay. I got in, people were like, oh, you gotta go to Buc-E's. You gotta go to Buc-E's. And so, okay, I'm like, okay, fine. And one day I ain't got shit going on and I put into the nearest Buc-E's, it's 40 miles away.

And I drive all the way to the Buc-E's and I'm like, this is just a gas station. It's a gas station. I mean, yeah, for sure. Because they make it seem like Buc-E's is where dreams come true. It's just a gas station, guys. Sure, it's a gas station that serves brisket

and that's cool, but it ain't worth a 40 mile drive. Yeah, I mean, as a guest, if you're categorized as a guest, it's a great guest. If you need to stop for gas, and there's any other gas station around, and a Buc-ee's, go to the Buc-ee's. Yes. That's what I'll say.

But if you're near a Chevron, and Buc-ee's is a distance, go to the Chevro. Mm-hmm. Yeah, you're not gonna get brisket there, but it's like- Get your gas. Yeah, it's a giant, Buc-ee's is just a giant gas station. It has 100 pumps, that's it.

Do you buy your cigarettes by the carton ever? No, I'm in denial. Okay. Everybody is. I respect that. You know what's funny? I only buy a carton of cigarettes when I'm going to California, because I can't get menthols. Ah, you're right, you know, it's funny. I only buy a carton of cigarettes when I'm going to California

I can't get menthols Falls in Cali anymore Crushing menthols. You're a camel crush, man. No, I'm not a camel question that we had right now That's cuz they don't have my brand here. What is our bro? No, you're an American Spears. No Marlboro smooth Okay, those taste like thin mints kind of yeah. Well now Whoa. Those taste like Thin Mints, kinda. Yeah, well now they don't taste like anything because I've destroyed my esophagus. So. Do you use cologne?

Are you a cologne guy? I am. What do you like? Tom Ford, Perform De Marlie. That's coming up a lot, that Tom Ford. Yeah. Yeah, Tom Ford is kinda where it's at. Perform De Marlie, I think is up there too as's at. Parfum de Monte, I think, is up there too,

as far as the brand goes. And then, you know, and then if you don't want to do anything at all, you know, you can go Sauvage. OK. Sauvage, man. Have you ever used the squeegee at the gas station to clean anything but the windshield of the car? Have you ever done, like, the doors or the wheels

or anything? I clean shit off my shoes. With the squeegee? With that? Yeah. Oh, that's terrorism right there. of the wheels or any shit off my shoes with this with that? Yeah Oh, that's terrorism I mean, I wasn't a good person back then But I mean also you're in a jam like what the fuck well the thing is that was before I ever owned the car So I didn't I didn't realize it also had to work fantastically. Oh, yeah

But I didn't I couldn't empathize with the car over. OK. Anyone in your family have a Yahoo email address? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So my dad has a will you dance at a wedding if you go to a wedding? Not if I feel it. Not now. I won't be I won't be obligated to. OK. No. Have you been to a wedding in the last couple of years since things have been going well. Yes

What do you somebody close? Yes, my cousin. Yeah, what'd you give as a gift? What'd you drop? Gay oh, I got them a couple's massage package That's nice pretty good. If you were doing cash. What do you what are you roughly throwing? It's a wedding gift. Yeah Depends on how much I believe in the relationship. That's pretty good. I've never heard that. Yeah, if I'm friends, and it depends on which one's the homie. Okay, so if the guy if the guy's the homie, and I've made friends with her,

probably 1000 bucks. Damn, gentlemen, goddamn gentleman right there. If I'm if if I'm, if I'm, if he's the homie and I can't stand that bitch. I'm Venmoing him five hundred bucks. Probably a hundred bucks, yeah. I can't stand that bitch. A couple wives just found out how you felt about him. You're kidding.

No, they know, all my friends who have girls that I don't like, they know I don't like them. That's funny. Yeah, yeah, I don't like they know I don't like them. That's funny Yeah, yeah, I don't pretend you said you have a dog now Okay, you have a cat okay? Yeah, all right also a cunt She gets married under box yeah, I Mean yeah What do you floss in every day? Not every day? Oh, man. That's no. It's a tough one

Are you peeing in the shower? No, I don't pay any shower brush your teeth in there. No You're been ghost hunting I don't believe in ghosts anyone in your family ever been on the local news Yeah for what for? For leaving my niece in the car when it got stolen So he was really my niece that was on the news Because the guy got stolen while she was in there no way did they get her back? Mm-hmm That's the first time I mean, I don't know he's fucking met a president easy, you know, he stole jelly beans

What are you talking about? He's garbage. Yeah, I mean, yeah Test are you keeping are you giving like a towel? We keep a mental note of everything. You're not getting security clearance from us. I can tell you that but to steal the jelly beans That's right. Rod man eating Ronald Reagan's jelly beans. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Brian Simpson, the special live from the Mothership is on Netflix. Do yourself a favor, check it out. Truly one of the funniest guys working today. Yeah, we were there when you filmed it. Yeah, we were. We were there.

Oh, yeah, we were. Yeah. BrianSimpsonComedy.com, you're on tour right now. Anything you want the folks out there to know? Yeah, don't forget, I'm going to be at the Wilbur Theatre October 11th in Boston and I'm gonna be at the Fuck here in New York City on October 12th at the Bell House. Let's go New York Boston get your tickets He's a certified. Yeah for some reason you don't know him Brian is literally an absolute killer Do yourself a favor and check them out kippy. What do you got for them guys were over the road as well?

Philly that show at parks is selling out. You better get them tickets. August 17th, we're at the Count Basie Theater in Red Bank, New Jersey. Then Route 66 start in Chicago and in LA. Get your tickets now. Love it. Brian, always want to we want to say anytime we're down here in Austin, you're always absolutely fantastic and welcoming. We love you. Thank you for coming in. Congratulations. Everything again.

We love you and we'll see you next week. Peace.