Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - COPS Edition w/ Kippy & Foley!

Episode Date: January 9, 2025

Are You Garbage is back with Kippy and Foley to talk all about your experiences with COPS! It's a fun one! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Helix: 25% Off Sitewide + 2 Free Dream Pillows with Mattress Purchase https://helixsleep.com/garbage Rocket Money: https://RocketMoney.com/GARBAGE Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to another exciting edition of R U Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is RU Garbage. Oh yeah! It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that to be classy. Yeah!

Except for just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash! I'm your host, H. Willie, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tooties in a new edition. She's upstairs signing up for the Patreon so she can submit her Tooties. Okay. Because she said she's sick of me blowing it. I know, they talk about a guy who did K-hole. I think back-to-back this what are you in a K-hole? What's going on?

As a deep K-hole she was in I mean the extra party the amount of messages I got to hit up with the big man's repeating bits how I know I got a heart condition I was from Chicano 414 on the Patreon. My co host is coming at you from across the tables. We call family episode just the boys the bozos and the homies. He is the CEO of are you garbage. He is an international businessman just made a move on Jimmy Johns I heard trying to get a piece of that trying to keep up with Jersey Mike's quality better not go down

Be getting emails from me. I don't know what this riff is. Do my own. Do my buy Jimmy John's? Yeah, he's from a little piece of it. Okay, cuz somebody just bought Jersey Mike's. Oh, I didn't know that So you're trying would you read that in sandwich quarterly? Some business man you are Kevin Ryan everybody. What up gang shout out to the homies. Thanks for tuning in as always Please make sure you rate view subscribe on iTunes Full video available on YouTube and also now full video valuable available on Spotify. What's up with that by the way? I don't know. I don't we got sucked up in an algorithm somebody talk about making backdoor deals I thought you said they would dead eats that they're so they selected a few pods that are going video That's that's and we're one of them. We're one of them

Look at that. They yeah, I don one of them. We're one of them Yeah, I don't know David they haven't cut me a fucking check yet So I don't know but they're not supposed to do it They're not supposed to either but we got where we have somebody messes me was like you guys are on Spotify I was like you told me I don't know. I'm an uptunes man No, so we now we have full video available on Spotify. That's crazy be for Spotify premium listen. I'm not I'm not a run I saw I got I got it. I'm an idea guy. I got it on mine. I don't know Spotify premium. I don't think okay I bet you don't Ain't got the ain't got the 899. I just got locked out of my fucking Napster account

I've been listening to the same songs over and over again like Timberlake He's locked out of your Napster account. You know this. I know, but how'd you get locked out? Because my sister... First of all, the balls on Napster that'd be locking people out. My sister in law stopped paying. You need everybody you can get. I do pretty good. What? They do pretty good. Listen,

now we're a Spotify company. Now I don't know what you're talking about. We're on God damn. They're giving us video. Are they competitors? Who? Spotify and Napster? I don't think they're boys dude. First of all, I don't think. I'm a Spotify man. I don't think Spotify is losing any sleep over Napster if I had to guess. If I had to guess, I think Spotify is sleeping pretty well. Or my 90s alternative playlist. Nirvana again. I like it. That's pretty cool. Spotify video. Spotify video and then obviously the greatest website of all time Oh, yeah, be ww.patreon.com you go over there you get all your bonus content

Yes, when you sign up we'll answer your garbage question on the air over there It's a good friggin time, and you got a fucking you got an entire year of the wedding saga that came just came to yes Completion came to completion married man. Mm-hmm. Very nice. Stop it with the nudes We're all very happy for you. Said to me a little dick pics Little schmackle wiener those for medical purposes only Does this look hard to you? You were a doctor? Is this blue chew working yet I'm hitting with a blowtorch trying to get it on you on You know what? I wanted to ask you to bozos

Now when I was when I was over there for the wedding and stuff like that obviously there was some cash injection You know a couple of envelopes game my way. I never asked you. What'd you get? I don't know, but you didn't fucking give me nothing Tried to pick up a check one night for some pooh pooh,. I was like I ain't gonna cut it. What do you mean? You told me don't give you first of all You if you want to if you want to pop the bubble big man got his gift. I did yeah What'd I get you fucking flew their first class? Oh fair enough? What do you flew there? I thought you meant the GI Joe's you flew there

First of all yeah, this this holiday. She gave me a shitty DVD or a shitty CD player I thought you liked Cypress Hill. What do you want from me? And a lot of people said that Craig is nice He could take it. It's from the bar Have you used that yet? What the Craig at the gym? Yeah killed a spider in my room with it He's a big big Was that a Craig not the Craig Things about eight pounds anyway what what I pull in you wait. Are you really upset? If you get how you can't publicly get upset. I am NOT upset at all. I appreciate it

I also thought we're gonna be able to write that off. I think I got to eat a lot of that damn Break buddy, that's you got your yeah, everybody out there saying I get eat a lot of that. Damn. Yeah. Tough break, buddy. So you got your gift. Gotta spend money to make money. Everybody out there saying I didn't get him a gift. Big man got his gift. There was a layover involved. You're the gift that keeps on giving all year long, kid. I've said that many a times in a podcast.

I love you and don't worry about it. Yeah, but saying don't worry about it means I'm coming from a place of. Now a couple of them cousins out there. What'd you make? Hold on, this is very interesting. Not enough to pay for the coffin. That's what I

made. Because this is a very, this is a show where we talk about what we ask in intimate details about people's wedding, what they give, what they made, this, all that, all. What did you make? I lightly mentioned on the Patreon, some of the family came true, you know, couple of nice ones, couple of checks. The four digits, the nice ones. Couple of checks. Uh. The four digits, the five digits. What's that? One

thousand or ten thousand? Ten thousand? What do you think I'm rolling with? I don't know. There's 200 people there, dude. That's like. Tried to invite Schultz but he was taking a plane out that day. It could have been 20 G's. Shhh.

Schultz! Um I pulled in Just shy of ten Okay, yeah, there you go. I got a lot of cash on me sure which is dangerous small I don't know how to get into Navy Federal sure it's small bills with that crew you were rolling with That is a small bill crew if I've ever seen one ever seen ten grand two dollar bills Now very appreciative Yeah, what was you don't tell me who what was the biggest one amount? Gift you got a jihad. Oh Yeah, that's pretty good. Yeah, you know who you are. I love you a man. Is it Maddie? No what?

Daddy gave me two hundy. Okay. It was a Christmas present. What? Yeah That's that I'd seen nothing from her that remind me. I caught I brought up Nothing ten grand. That's pretty good for a little under what's a little under give me the number, you know the number Give me the number 300 1385 I think I think maybe nine nine something. Okay. Yeah any checks in there Yeah, I told you a lot of check couple checks They all bounce what's happening? No, Tommy seat took care of me real nice. What did Tommy give you? You don't want to know

five Yeah, okay, I've undy. Oh, it's not bad for what I gave him though. Sure. It's probably the same check just returned it Return to sender ripped it up in my face. Uh-huh. Yeah. No, all right. Well, that's good So what I wanted to ask is was now that I got I borrow 140 grand Now that I got a little bit of cash on me and it felt good Felt good breaking that off if you went to dinner or whatever lunch You think cash will come back Um You think cash will come back?

What nobody uses cash anymore? My Gary Greenspan It wasn't the head of the Fed for a while or Allen green whatever his brother I don't know is cash gonna come back be cool more attend. Wow I would like cash cash feels good. I don't know you can make cash come back. You got to carry cash though You got to carry the cash hmm That was looking you weird when you go to stores now, and you pay cash Yeah, I'm not buying by a couple of presents for some people

Little kids okay. I looked at me. I just say that like you were in the mob I had to buy a couple presents for some people those kids buying a Barbie's I had to shut some people up Pay some people couple judges uh- kids buying them Barbies. Hey, shut some people up. Pay some people, couple judges. Uh-huh. Keep them in line. OK. I don't know. I like having cash.

I like having cash for the tips. How much cash you got on you right now? Got some spot pay, I believe, from this weekend. Wearing the same jeans, no big deal. I got 150 bucks. Wow. Yeah. Look at you. Two spots over there at the old

Comedy cellar. What about you like coin? What do you got? I know then? Yeah, never as kids all day You got a crypto wallet never you keep like twenty forty dollars on you. Maybe Yeah, probably have a fake wallet because you get mugged though It's mine Yeah, cash should be nice to come back. He could bring us back a little bit. Mm-hmm You know get the fucking city going again People using cage tipping hey don't uh that kind of stuff. I uh I bought I I we didn't talk about this I bought my my lady a gift while we were in Hawaii you did. That's right, uh-huh lingerie

Tasteful either way you got good What you've seen it It's just for me I'm wearing it I'm hanging brain from the bottom of a teddy. Hey, this isn't a double XL. I don't know what you're doing this Don't bigger in the butt if you got it. Yeah, a lot of high end shopping out there. A lot of high end shopping over there in in Waikiki.

So I popped into one of the stores. You did. Where's the guy like you go? Target. We went. We went to Target first. Me and our associate, Ryan D. Well, you were going to buy her a gift to Target. No, I had to buy our Pollyanna gift. I had to buy a gift under 50 bucks for my family. You brought a gift back. Oh Yeah, I don't know if you remember I landed midday on fucking Christmas Eve

It was either that or they were getting something from hubs and news. Okay Daniel steel That in a bag of Jolly Ranchers Yeah, I was jammed up I was behind the eight ball We were recorded every day until we got into here until we left and then yeah, I'd have time to do shopping All right, so when you have the card send it over so I went to one of those fancy designer stores for my wife Man, I went in with Ryan D I had to we first of all I was in a wet bathing suit you have a pair of pants you got something to 38 I'm chafing ah yeah we

like walked in with like ice cream and like coffee I was in a wet bathing suit had a door one of those places where there's a dude standing at the front door? Yeah. And they don't let anybody in there. Now the door was locked and I'm like my money is going to... The door was locked? Yeah. You guys open?

You got a big shitter in here? I'm just not cut out for those nice, nice stores. Can you say where it was? Esau, Laurent, Hermes? Esau, Laurent. Is it Hermes? Nice stores. Can you say where it was? He saw in the wrong. Hermes, he saw in the wrong. Which I only is a Hermes. Hermes, Hermes. I only knew it as why I get Jordan from that fat Joe song

where he wrapped about it or Lil Wayne did who I don't YSL. Yeah, I didn't. He saw it all. You know, I don't like all that stuff, but I do like the stories about those guys. I got to tell you like when they do like the Netflix movies about them Like about like the designers and stuff like that how they worked their way up and all that kind of stuff pretty cool. Sure Whoo, man. I've died as a nervous Nellie in there. Thank God that car that credit card went through hot Chalmers had to put it on the company card that thing that thing was taking a long time

The head signal was taking a long time to get to New York back to Honolulu That ice cream was on that person. I looked at it Those sprinkles aren't mine There you go. Got her something nice. Yeah, I got her something nice. She returned it got something else. Is that right? I put a different color. Yeah, and you stole you get her a backpack. I Just got her the bag. You got one of those cardboard bags I can give this bro. No, so I go in and I'm like, what do you got? And I look at something like this is like 2800. I said, well, what do you got in the clearance section? What do you got with a scratch on it? You got any floor models?

No clearance rack in those dumps either. No, there's not. Got to go to Canal Street. Get you straightened out. I know. They don't know. So I got out of there pretty good. Pretty good disc. Pretty good deal from what I was seeing online and everything like that. But man, they treat you nice in there. They really do. And our friend was taking care. It was, I'm a guy who's like, I want to be invisible in here. Where's the cheapest thing? Can I swing it? All right. You know, bada bing, bada boom. They, he's in there like, yeah, I'll do get it. All right, you know, bada bing, bada boom. They, he's in there like, yeah, I'll do a double shot of espresso and like. Order and shit. Well, they asked, what do you want?

Yeah, you know, if you gotta pay for that or not. Also, they took our coffees at the door. Took your, oh. Yeah, you can't be walking around, but they'll offer you like, you know, whatever you want or whatever. They took your drinks from you? Yeah. Whoa.

It was half scotch. It was right on that. Hey, don't take a sip of that till after lunch, you know what from you? Yeah. Whoa. It was half scotch. It was right on that. Hey, don't take a sip at the left. They're lunch. You know what I mean? Yeah. Really? Did they have them for you when you left? No, I think they trashed them. Yeah. Dirt ball. You're in there with your donkey doughnut. I was in there and I like proper. We left the beach.

I was in there in sandy feet, a wet bathing suit, a towel, a towel from the resort. It was bad. And a Target bag. You bought her a Ferrari key chain? Porsche driving gloves? I just don't belong in them places. No, you don't. And she doesn't, that was the biggest gift I ever bought. It also wasn't that expensive.

And I buy her one gift a year, that was it for the most part. She's done. And it was like their casual line. Yeah, it wasn't their high-end, toity-toity line. First of all, I'm walking by with Luke a few days before. Hermes light collection. Yeah. He's like, I was like, maybe something like that. Because she had a purse broke. I was like, maybe I'll like that.

You know, she needs a new black purse. I was like, how about that? And Lucas, everyone has that one. I was like, yeah, dude, that would not in the circles I run in. Yeah, we run in different circles. We clearly do run. I remember when coach bags were hot

back in the day. Yeah. Not coach. No coach was big Autobahn or no Louis Vuitton. No, it has an a It's like it's it looks like a horseshoe, but it's upside down with it. I think it's an a ah It's not Autobahn. I remember my mom about a bonds highway. Yeah, well if your mom's making a big deal about it I don't think it's at the like this was in the 80s Okay, yeah Care arrow pastel now American Eagle no Hollister no, it's had like Autobahn or auto something or auto asphyxiation That's it

Freak you get you get you got anything You got anything? They did makeup too. Maybe Chanel? No. Clareborn. No, Clareborn was nice though. Hot chick stuff. It was designer? I think so.

They were living in the Poconos at the time. It was whatever they got at the Salvation Army. Alright, tough guy? Sure. You're no Herm tough guy. Sure. You're no Hermes guy. Hermes. Got a bad case of the Hermes. Yikes.

Need to hand out equipment for that. I also don't... that was like a big step for me because I don't have the confidence to walk into those places. And you shouldn't. I don't... rightfully so. We should put your Sunday best on when you walk in. But he... our boy Ryan really helped me I think it's worse than you. What do you know when he's going you got money?

You can fucking go in there own it. You're better than these bums. They're working here They can't afford to shop there, which I barely could either I was on the I was I was on the fence You guys got after pay here. I do this as an installment. Hello, I'm KJ Ryan, a very important man. From the mainland. I come to look at your fine delicacies. Okay, let's talk about Helix mattresses.

Shut up, the Helix baby. I farted in one this morning. I woke up on one this morning. In the neighbor's house. Hello. Gang Helix mattress, OG sponsor of the old podcast. Got neighbor's house. Hello. Gang Helix mattress OG sponsor of the old podcast here. Got two customers right here too. We each got one. I bought three of them. Doing a lot of boning. I'd pee the pedal on. Still waiting on that rubber sheets. And luckily if it wasn't a Helix I'd have to buy ten of them the way I go through these things. Listen all jokes aside Helix is the best mattress in the market

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It's the first adult purchase I made where I'm like, this is, this matters. You know what I mean? I got the Cali King and I've been away for a couple of weeks, sliding back into that thing was like... Like an old man into a bath. So here we go, here's the Turkey baby. 25% off site wide plus two free Dream Pillows with mattress purchase. The pillows are alright.

Go to Helixsleep.com slash garbage for 25% off site wide plus two Dream Free Pillows with a mattress purchase. One more time, that's Helixsleep.com slash garbage, 25% off site wide plus two dream free pillows with a mattress person one more time at heel sleep comm slash garbage 25% off site wide plus two free dream pillows with mattress purchase heel sleep comm slash garbage do it do it Okay, let's talk rocket money baby rock it Let's talk about savings gang rocket money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions Monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your save Yeah, I mean is that succinct or is that succinct? They know what they're doing over there

I do know what they're doing gang rocket money is over 5 million users and has saved a total of 500 mil and canceled subscriptions saving members up to $740 a year when using the apps premier features 500 mil that ain't that's a lot of cash Yeah You get to see all your subscriptions in one place you know exactly where your money's going For ones that you don't want anymore rocket money can help you cancel them baby

That gives you a dashboard with a clear view all your expenses across all your accounts. They also email you every week I just got it yesterday came in in, pay back. Hey, you got two recurring purchases coming up this week. Get your eyes on them. And if you don't want them, beep, boop, pop, boop, we'll take care of them. It's fantastic. It can help you save money so you don't have to think about a payoff, your credit card debt, put money away for a house or just build your savings. Rocket Money makes it easy. You can cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster in 2025 with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com slash garbage a day. That's rocketmoney.com slash garbage

one more time get a pen get a pencil rocketmoney.com slash garbage do it. All right. All that's either here or there. Have you ever heard of Washington Heights? Have you ever heard of rent stabilized one bedroom a pre warm apartment building that may or may not contain mold? Yes, I would like to look at your discount bags Give anything from the last few years I could take a look at That's gonna drive me crazy I can't think of it well, you know, what are you gonna do it is what it is

It is but we got a gosh-darn family episode and a little bit of a different family episode this time. It's a little bit of a themed family episode. Mm-hmm. The cops edition. Yikes. The cheese. The fuzz.

So, all the Patreon has submitted all of their questions and or stories and or whatever are you garbage questions regarding run-ins with the law. Mostly crimes. It's the sound of the police. Whoop, whoop. Hit it. What's that? It's the sound of the game. We're starting run ins with the law. Mostly crimes. It's the sound of the police. Hit it. What's that? It's the sound of the beast.

Damn. Look at me and me and Luke are good together. What's that rap song? I wonder why they kicked that. The five. I'm talking the fuzz. The five Oh, you got a boombox on you. Okay, let's talk cops talk cops talk cheese what was the what was the nickname for the cops growing up

for you fuzz really hit a fuzz that's that's an old-school one or as a young upstanding kid police officer sir what are you doing in my mother's bedroom yeah my dad's gonna be home in a couple of minutes. You get that hunk of shit out of my driveway. Get the cruiser. Cops in her town do very well.

Cops in her town. Yeah, where the poor patty lives. Uh huh. Good township. A lot of cash. Sure. They got a top flight fleet, too. OK. They drive them jeeps. Or those Ford Explorers explorers or everything. Sure nice Couple on the cove ease. Yeah, you know me otters

bled it I Saw NYPD there. They were driving like a Mitsubishi or something like that. Yeah, it's five of them packed in there It's one guy sitting in the middle. They're going to a concert or something. It's a weird. Well, they're uniforms Uh-huh. Like, what are you guys doing? Dude, you know what? Get an impala, like a gentleman. What they do, the traffic cops here, they all get dropped off.

Find out the act. Can you look at the actual difference between a traffic cop and a cop? They got no nickel. They got no gun. They got no gun on them. Yeah. But those guys saved the city, though.

Sure. The traffic cops, they all hop in in a vein like a NYPD school bus And it's like they're all going to day camp or something they all get I got their bag and their lunch and they get Be back here at 2 p.m.. They all get picked up again. Yeah Besides the gun they also do not have the power to arrest really I'm putting that to the test. They give you a citation though of course Really? Oh, I'm putting that to the test. No, but they give you a citation though. Of course, but it's an arrest.

They can also call the boys in the Mitsubishi real quick. Go there in two seconds. There's no room to put you in the back. Whoa, they can't arrest you? You're sitting in the front seat. Let me drive this thing. No shit! Everybody knows that.

I didn't know that! When they're telling you you can't turn here, the fuck I can't. They. Everybody knows that. I didn't know that. When they're telling you can't turn here. The **** I can't. They get your plates though. Alright, write me a ticket. Can't afford a nice bag. Listen, I'm going to have to pay this

next month. I spent all my money on a bag that my wife and my wife likes. Yeah. Wow. I did not know that. I genuinely didn't know that. Yeah, we called him the fuzz. Yeah, we were five oh. Maybe five oh. Five oh was big. Yeah. Which was, do you know the, do you know the, the origination of five oh? Um, I

can sssh, I assume it's a hip hop song from the nineties. Maybe a Snoop or a Dr. Dre. Uh, five oh was probably like the code for police. five oh on the scene No, my I my dad my dad told me what it was. He should know this. Yeah. Yeah, I should know Yeah, you should know that drugs. No something with drugs Let's get some drugs

Hawaii five oh, oh, right. Is that what it is? Yeah Why'd they call Hawaii five oh five? Oh? Just referring to the Hawaiian police force in the show But why five oh was that based on Hawaii being the 50th state to join the Union no shit Hawaii five Oh, you should know that I know right you steal valor you know Hawaii that could be you as a sweet show back in the day Not a bad. I didn't really watch the reboot obviously back in the day. It was fucking tight Not a bad and really watched a reboot obviously back in the day. It was fucking tight Okay, let's uh we go we got a couple we got a couple listen You guys listen to the show you guys

Some of you got records if we're being honest with you 99% of you got records I don't condone it love you, baby I don't condone it, but hey everybody's got a checkered past everybody's got a bumpy future You know what I mean? I got friends on house arrest right now. You know who you are. To me. Can't leave here. No, we were doing our show in bar.

The show that we did in parks and we were like, oh, where's so and where's so and so where's so and so and so and so's M.I.A. And then he sends a picture of his ankle with a monitor on it. And he's like, I ain't allowed out of this of this ain't allowed out of the house. I know Yeah, tough tough, but hey shit happens it gets the best everybody or Alright, let's see here. This one's just funny. This was from El Boho Rojo first time. I got arrested I was running from the cops. I got tackled and I shit my pants. That is a...

That's gonna be a long weekend. Who got you? J.J. Watt? That's crazy. Somebody came across Jeremy... Somebody came across the middle and got you. That's uh... Yeah. Damn. That's a tough one. Also... Getting tackled.

That cop's going above and beyond. Sure. I mean, unless you were robbing a bank or something, if you're like proper taking a spear dive. Or running from a party or something like that. Like Bill Goldberg taking him out. Getting hung up to dry across the middle. The dudes on the Catcher Predator always get tackled in the front lawn those guys love grabbing them dudes man Hey, you seen the show go out a window or something you're going at the front door like an idiot Fuck they're right there waiting for you Fucking dumbass you got holding balloons You got to do you you got to do something big you got to pull a guy you got you got to try to get out

Of that that's a tough look. I mean don't you shouldn't be in that situation. What am I talking about? That's all right. It's crazy. How that people are just still getting caught like that like there's just I would be like Know how you fall they're all falling for the same trick over and over again It's what it's been documented for 30 years you guys see the camera guys No, what the fuck the news the news the news man didn't set you off seems legit dirt bags. Did he say therapy? Did he say you got tased and tackled?

No, just tackled. Wow. Too bad you get hit so hard. You shit yourself. It's like hot rod. It's all right. You hot rod Go in with that they don't let you run that a can that's what I'm saying you sit Yeah, then you're sitting in holding with a fucking dump in you. That's it. That's trying to keep the other guys away Sure, nobody wants to mess with you. I'd be rubbing it on my hair and stuff

Hey, nobody want to touch it Hey, nobody want to touch it This one's from Itchy butt crack how are you sir all my life my parents would say there's a cop behind us Don't look that was dude. Why is that? Yeah, you were afraid of these if like a kid looked at the cop you'd be Yeah, yeah, there's a if like a kid looked at the cop you'd be yeah There's a kind of one look no one look For some and my dad would always put the seat fake to seat belt because he was an anti seat belt guy Anti anti seat belt bastard so he pull goes. Oh shit. There's a he pull it across and drive one-handed. I have to do the same thing

Yeah, he was very against seat belts crazy do the same thing. He was very against seat belts. It's crazy. What? It's crazy. I remember when they did the clicking and ticket thing that Pennsylvania did like if you, because it used to be you weren't, the law, like I said, he knew his, he knew his seat belt rights at the time. Okay. And for the longest time, I think it wasn't a ticket, but then it became a ticket, but

if he got pulled over, they couldn't pull you over if they noticed you weren't wearing your you were alive. What the you were alive. That was a really death to wear a seatbelt. I think it was over 18, maybe. If you were over 18, like you could. I think it was like the choice of like, I don't want to wear a seatbelt. Kind of like motorcycles have the option in Pennsylvania to not wear a helmet.

I know it's crazy. But I remember at some point that if you didn't have it on, it would then be a citation afterwards. Like if you got pulled over speeding, speeding, I'm going to get you for the seatbelt. Also, you are. I can't pull you over for a seatbelt. Can't pull you over for the seatbelt. How do you see that? What? How do you see? I think I see built on you driving by your partner.

I don't know something. Yeah. Trumped up charges search the car find your stash Yeah, you know what I mean, and you're jammed up make you blow a breathalyzer next thing You know you're in the clink and you got shit in your pants You're driving the car. Oh, you're driving a Mitsubishi years old hum But then I remember when it switched where they started they would do checkpoints where you'd stop and make sure dude Hey, he knew where they all were and he'd be like, I drove by here earlier today, there's a put your seatbelt on. But then we would take it right off. And I remember my boy Pat would be like, it's insane.

It's already on. Like you put it on for the checkpoints. Stick it to the man. Just leave it on. Just leave it on. But we were. Yeah, we were always big, big seatbelt people. Even my dad, he was a big seat belt.

We got him on. It's one of those things where you're like, it should just be on. Like they would get scared when a cop would come behind them. Oh, it's like you're you're upstanding. You guys both have jobs. You're you know, there's no drugs. Oh, yeah. Tell you to get taken away. I know. But they just it was so different back then of just like the

the the run in with them. I don't know know I remember my mom got pulled over down a wildwood and I was sleeping in the back as a kid Aaron her Ford Taurus and I was sleeping in the backseat She disappeared for a couple minutes came back and you were on your way. Jesus Christ. My god damn mother's upstanding citizen We got pulled over going into the island coming out the island other that's where you get pulled over. Oh you guys running Puerto Rican rum Trunk full of it the tires filled with it And I was sleeping in the back so I didn't have my seat belt on That snooze tire little boy, you know what I mean?

Fat ass back. I was all hopped up on chicken feet. Laying across? Laying across. I mean, come on, what's better than that? Woo! I'm talking probably 1993. Had a pillow back there too, I bet.

I don't know. No? Remember my neck hurt. Could have been because either that or the fucking head log he put me in for resisting. I pay your son. Thought I was a little person or something. A balding balding six year old. He's got his taser out. Don't look at

me. This little old young one won't stop staring at me. You want a pillow in the backseat guy? Yeah, I mean, we didn't take it for like we were running from like the Wildwood to Sea Isle. I wasn't like. Ah, gotcha. We were, this was like a. You fall so quick, don't you?

It's like a 10 minute drive. It was. Let's shut it down for a couple minutes. Oh, that chick could barm in you. It was late. And what'd she say? We might have, something happened. I could see her sassing back a little bit. Yeah, he's like, and there the back doesn't have a seat bill one in the back man. He got your number. I'm smoking

Fuck this all about Hey, buddy, right to ticket or not. Let's go kind of dog is that That's my son She's like yeah, he doesn't have a seatbelt on she's like yeah, well he's sleeping. I remember that I like that like snapped me back Yeah, well he's drunk We're a family of booze bags it was She got a ticket. No. I don't they always made it like it was the biggest deal in the world, too What oh my god? It's like 2,500 bucks whatever 2,500 bucks 25 or 100. Oh, yeah

Yeah, I remember Patty a couple times sweet talking her way out of it uh-huh, and it was real like It's 2,500 bucks whatever 2,500 bucks 25 or 100. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah I remember Patty a couple times sweet talking her way out of it. Uh-huh, and it was real like She's got the mag light in her mouth She's making it disappear Let me see that nightstick tells me to go check the oil real quick Keep the hood up. Thank you. Sit in the back of the squad car check out the sirens kid turn the radio on real Get over to confession Picture that scene from super troopers when they pull over the German couple or whatever all now things are getting kinky

That was so funny and turned me on like Snipe a lady was so fucking hot. I tugged. That might be the reason why I have a German wife. I used to tug my little root to that scene. You could see her nippies and stuff. And I fast forwarded this. That guy was so funny too, the dude driving the car. Oh yeah, yeah.

Now things are getting kinky. Shut up, the super trooper. Damn. OK. Did you get a ticket? Do you remember? I don't think so. No, I think she I think they let us go. Maybe she got maybe she got a speeding ticket or whatever. But it was just like I remember going, yeah, he's sleeping. That's also like it's like 91, dude, like seatbelt ruling, you know.

What is there? Fucking during the, you know, outside while we're in a boonies. You're lucky not we're lucky we're not on meth right now Sure Alright, let's see this alright this one's from m. Beatty one time I showed up for a scheduled two days in jail the way he just gets into that right away like that's a normal thing One time I showed up for a schedule two days in jail at 11 p.m.. What's the point of that? I don't know You can't pay the fine or

It's uh if you if you have a job like you're allowed to like appeal to a judge where it's like if you're like hey listen I I'm okay find out what charges would get you like a weekend, like the two days. Two days? Two days seems what I, come on. You gotta pay your debts to society for whatever you did or didn't do or were framed for. That's right.

Weekend jail is typically given to people convicted of nonviolent crimes such as DUIs, chronic speeding, petty theft, failure to pay child support Who'd I get you with that? Got think they got bunch of guys with the for the Super Bowl tickets like that. Oh, yeah I told you I never tell my boy got caught like that He was such a fucking idiot this kid he flew he got caught a big pillhead

He kid was he was bad news He had a warrant out in Miami or something or like Fort Lauderdale And we were in college and he got a letter. Hey you won something and he went down and got fucking Ain't just given Super Bowl tickets away. I don't know who the Super Bowl is like, you know, you want a new flat screen or something? He's like, yeah, this is my Yeah, was this reason a new Craig waiting for you in Tampa Bay. Was this recent? No, it's just I was probably in college.

So like 10, 15, 15 years ago, whatever. People like four or five years ago again for it. Like, yeah. Well, you got to think like that's good, the guy who thought up of that man. Let them come to us. The first time high five in him in the boardroom. Dude, the first time they did that was like it made like CBS news show up and did like they were like and man they those guys walk in with the biggest shitty

They're like yeah right through the they checked their IDs. Okay. You're Henry Jenkins. All right right through that door Hey come in hey. Oh Shit get coughed up real quick It's just like a fake movie set in front of the police station God damn Dan Marino in there. All right, one time I showed up for a scheduled two days in jail at 11 p.m. on a handful of Tylenol PM so I could just get booked in and fall right asleep. I didn't bring my phone so the cops couldn't look a Southwest flight I Didn't bring my phone so the cops can't look through smart smart right this guy's you know into some nefarious activities I like he's so he pops a handful of fucking Tylenol PM in the parking lot walks right in thinks

He's gonna get in knock him out. That's a brilliant move great Brilliant move I'm asleep this one off. I'll sleep till noon tomorrow. It don't matter. I got a day and a lunch, get the hell out of some lunch, play some fucking handball, call to call it a weekend, shoot some dice. And they messed up and didn't have me on the list for jail that weekend. So I had to walk a mile to a phone on sleeping pills to get picked up outside of a gas station at 1am dude that sucks talk about the ultimate backfire I've taken Tylenol PMs and not gotten enough sleep man you feel like a zombie. That's a talk to managers wandering down a street at fucking midnight

fighting all your eyes getting a. I found out that's what Patty did for the flights doing from Hawaii and she was she had a layover and the one was from Hawaii was from Oahu to Dallas, which isn't that long of a flight. She took like three town. It's like a four hour flight. You're going to be all fucked up. It's more than four hours. I don't think so.

It's gotta be. Like four or five. Still, you're supposed to get eight hours of sleep on that. Sure. Sparrow's walking around all loopy. That's a tough look, man. Yeah, that's bad. You could have just sent Kimma.

Let me do it now. Yeah, I guess, but I think at those points where they they're like hey, we don't have you on the list We can't let you in jail didn't bring his phone Smart again. This was almost executed 100% perfectly man He was either like an oh like a hero or a bozo and he ended up being the situation Would you ask the cops they couldn't listen? I don't know my phone with any chance one of you guys could drive me down to the the bozo and he ended up being the situation. Would you ask the cops? They can listen. I don't have my phone with any

chance. One of you guys can drive me down to the 711 so I can make a call. Can I make a call there? I don't think they're cops though necessarily. They're CEOs. Somebody's got a car. Yeah, CEOs not going to be like

they're working. Uh yeah. Uh let's leave the inmates to themselves. I'll be right back. It's a big play for a jail break. Uh alright, let's see. This one's from three fifty seven on pump four. I freestyle rap to a cop and got out of a public intoxication charge one time. Man, that's like the that's the comics. The fit is like heard that before.

Tell me a joke and I'll let you out. Yeah. I happened to call a Quinn member. Yeah. But it didn't but it didn't work didn't work yeah I got three to five um yeah that's time I've only ever told a cop I was a comic once and I was not a comic at the time by comic definition he was a stripper the cops were more close to this God and I got out of it got out of a jam with that Mm-hmm, so we're going through a time. He was always getting pulled over Cuz his car that car was so illegal shout out to Chris cotton rest in peace big dog tags were on the windshield It was seats didn't work, but we drove that thing everywhere

I said guy pulled us over and he was kind of being a dick and cotton was like You know, we're two comics are coming back from it things. I love comedy blah blah blah Next thing you know, we were on our way. You guys are doing a fucking, you know, two-man act We uh Doing prior and wilder see no evil hear no evil the only time I Were The only time I ever dropped it as I flicked a cig out of the car I'm sure I've mentioned I flicked a cig out of the car going're the only time I ever dropped it is I flicked a

cig out of the car. I'm sure I've mentioned I flicked a cig out of the car going into the Lincoln Tunnel. We got pulled over and we got to do a bringer show at New York Comedy Club. Look at you before it was uh owned by the

Caribbean. This is like the old old old uh guard. I got you. It's me and John Nunn. Johnny Nunn. Our good pal John Nunn coming up to do a college showcase for a booker, for a booker who books colleges. How'd that work out for you? It did not work out that well. I did alright, you know, did a couple, two, three good, there's about 15 people in the audience. Any industry? Yeah, there was a woman who worked at like something. Yeah, exactly. She got back to, yeah, I mean, no actual industry. I mean, Johnny Netflix wasn't there.

But we got pulled over and he's like, what are you doing? I was like, we're going to a comedy show and he's like, who you seen? And I'm like, where the show? Who you see? Kevin Ryan and John Nunn. I was like, oh, we're going to a comedy show and he's like who you seen and I'm like, where the show? Who you see Kevin Ryan and John it's a booking showcase It's an industry show. Oh, we're comics. He said, what do you know? Well, he goes you're not for he ran my be took my license and he goes Pennsylvania. What the hell you doing all the way up here The fuck asshole. It's New York City. So the fuck you think I'm doing running dope I'm trying to get kids go in I gotta get drugs come out of course. Yeah

And then he said uh, what are you doing? I said we're going to a comedy show and He's like, oh who you seeing I said we are worthy, you know, we're a show and He was like, I let me just make sure you don't have any warrants both of you And I don't know if you ever seen a picture of John Nunn He looks like a bouncer for the Hells Angels, and they fucking I was like hey man. Is this good Are you clean and he's like we are gonna find out very soon Fuck dude Say you spice up a lot. It wasn't Wednesday night

All for flicking a heater out this window. I'm like what am I gonna do with it. I'm gonna be spicing my life. It was a Wednesday night. All for flicking a heater out this window. I'm like, what am I what am I gonna do with it? You know what I mean? Um but yeah, never. Would you tell a joke if he was like, you know, tell me, tell me a joke and

I'll let you go. What would the go-to joke be? I'm more of a story based comedian. So, there I am. Um I would do a street joke. I wouldn't say it was a comic. We got some fans on the NYPD though. I've gotten stopped before. A couple of the boys out in Queens. Cavity search. You requested. Yeah, but you can't be like, I know I have some guy in Queens likes me. It's either this or the clink.

What are you doing? Where are you coming from? Let's say you're walking, let's say, let's say you're you're you're walking home You're you know, whatever. Mm-hmm. You get you They're looking for another guy who's something. It's something fat guy some fat guy thing They're looking for another hit him with the big and tall All right, so this so here we go. So I go where you're walking over Michelle. It's like two in the morning You fit the description. I

Do yeah. All right, and they're 400 pound guys running around stealing people's sandwiches somebody just knocked over a Sabaro's they didn't touch the cash only only the garlic knots they're not open that late okay right hey where are you coming from I'm coming from Comedy Seller. I was doing some spots I thought you said I wouldn't tell my mom. I wouldn't tell my comic and then immediately By William Morrison Endeavor, have you ever heard of me start going? Here's my YouTube page Sir, where are you coming from work? What do you do? What do you what do you do? I'm a comedian

We're at comedy so do a lot of fat guy stuff probably huh? I get booked every couple of months All right, oh, how you think you're a funny guy, huh? What's with the aggression? I'm looking for looking for a perp All right, this guy's struck he's gonna do it again. Time is of the essence here. You got any snacks on you at the moment? No.

Be honest with me. Yeah. I got some high chews. That's more of a vitamin. Those things are healthy for the most part. I would have considered them a vitamin. Those things are healthy for the most part. I would consider them a snack. All right. Yeah.

Yeah. How long? You're on deck. All nervous. Sir, calm down. It'll be all right. We can do this the hard way or the easy way. You ever see where they do the thing where they touch your chest

to feel your heart racing? I'd be done. Yeah, I freak, dude. I panic. You guys got a beta blacker on you? David with a blood Coomin and straight me out You know Coomin and who it's a blood center my aunt was on it for years I always talk I mean maybe yeah

She couldn't get cut or nothing. You're gonna bleed out. I can put this bitch in a bubble. What do you want from me? What the hell is she doing at the barbecue? It's a people match. Kids are out here roughhousing. Okay. How long you been working a circuit? I'm still I still got you up against the wall. I'm just being I'm not I'm up against the wall like that Sir put your pants back on How long you been working the circuit cuz I don't I don't believe you right now you could be lying to me They don't work circuits anymore. This isn't vaudeville. Oh, you're gonna come and I do with Crazy that's not I've been a comic 15 years yeah

yeah I've never heard of you either officer dickhead We're gonna need a couple more sets of cuffs down here. I'm definitely at least two cuffs. You're a three banger if I ever heard of it. I can't see the whole extender. Yeah, but 15 years. Okay, nice. Yeah, working the circuits. Yeah. What time was your spot? 4 AM.

No. For the great Yorkshire county guy. I'm a little dirty. They booked me late. The early crowds don't care for me. Talk about my butt. I was closing out the show. Uh, yeah. How'd it go? Not great. If you want the truth. Be honest with me. I stink. Yeah, I don't know what I'm gonna do. I have to turn to a life of crime. That was a quick jump. Yeah, you're funny man, huh? Yeah, that's right. Why don't you tell me a joke? Hey Gary, get over here. This fat one thinks he's funny.

Calling a guy over now? Yeah, you need backup. Yeah. Where you from? Queen. Ah, I don't know. I've never been there. What about you, boy? Queen too, huh? Shit. You guys grew up together? Alright, I stole the sandwich. Got me.

I'd do it again if I had the chance he crack Yeah, I said the big and tall store I started there eating the bit What on six are you know spot yeah Jerry still work there you know Jerry uh-huh Now I got nothing okay I do the bit do it again Do a joke. Oh you mean I'm not I'm not a setup man. I introduce ladies and gentlemen

511 418 he's on the radio Here's a dispatcher like any funny. We got a seven, 18 and I talking about his weight. Seven, 18 in progress. That guy bombing. We have to look out. Weeks set up bad punch line. All right. So that would be your go to bit.

Yeah, I got to go to the big and tall store a lot I noticed though that you go in there you see a lot of big. Yeah, you don't see a lot at all That's the rest of it Just set up at best So much special I'd probably just do a street joke because like a narrative joke

doesn't work like that fold crumbly pull your joke book. I started looking what else uh moleskin moleskin everybody with their moleskin books. That's what you got. I got that jog. I That turtle shell notebook, I'm sweating god damn. Well, you got me dead to rights Sure, oh so funny Can I go now ha ha ha ha I forgot you were still here. Yeah

Let me over the warning. Mm Mm hmm. I'd be a big warning guy. Let me let you have a warning. Sure. Yeah. I take the drugs for sure. Well, that this one's from Long Shlong Silver. Great name. Ever made yourself cry while getting pulled over so the cops would

feel bad and just let you go? Yeah, me either. Two cops pulled me over so I I put on a show for them both. They laughed at me when they thought I couldn't see them didn't get a ticket though That's pretty good. I'll give you that you get it. You know Hey, man, that's a talent to cry on cue like that. Uh-huh hard. Yeah Hard I gotta I gotta think about it at a funeral, too I gotta really start you know show emotion a robot engaged. That's pretty good. Mm-hmm, damn, that's funny.

It's tough though, because they got the body cams, so they can't really, you know what I mean? You can't really, they gotta go buy the book. I think they can, no, I think it's up to their, you know. You see all these chicks trying to fucking get their way out of it. I don't know, hot, hot, hot. There's one video the other day,

the guy, the cop falls in love with girl after Is this porno? Yeah, what are you talking about dude? She was real XNXX. She was real charming. Oh, you tell he liked her That's what makes it nice for you I hope they got together and all worked out. Mm-hmm. Make a cute couple Mm-hmm. You should make a cute couple. Um, this, I saw some doggy dingleberries. Worked at a subway in high school. I had a local boy in blue as a regular.

Shout out to that boy in blue. Nice. Yeah, that's great. Always got the same thing. When I'd see his car pull up, I had his sandwich ready when he walked in. There you go. He then pulled me over for speeding once. Get out of here.

I told him his subway order and he let me slide. That's what makes the world go once. Get out of here. I told him his subway order and he let me slide. That's what makes the world go round. Shut up. If that is a relationship I wanna I want to to represent the country. It's that. Yeah. Hey buddy. I'm your sandwich guy. I

take care of you. Take care of me. I never worked at a restaurant where those guys weren't taken care of. Like if they came to one on the upper east side, if they came in for like a call or something like that, you guys want something to eat, you guys want some coffee, couple of shots, couple of drinks. Always. You gotta do that stuff. Sure.

This is another, this is from Eric, or Rock. Nothing better than a cop that gets it. I was pre-gaming in a restaurant parking lot with some friends. First of all, that gets it. Shout out to that pre-gaming in a for a restaurant with your boys in the parking lot. Okay, that's that's a lot of years over. I'm not going to go in there fucking pay full price for a

drink like a jerk. All they try to get drunk. I'm going to go in there fucking pay full price for a drink like a jerk off and try to get drunk I'm gonna go in there drunk and sit my Hawaiian margarita sure gentlemen Yeah, that's I mean if that's not a dirt that shout out to you. That's a dirt bag thing I was pre gaming in a restaurant parking lot with some friends and a cop rolled up and said I'm gonna be back in a few Just make sure those are gone by the time I get back That's a gentleman. Yeah.

Listen, I ain't gonna jam you up, finish the beers, and let's get out of here. Sure. Let's not cause a scene. I like that. That I respect. Don't go in there and fucking embarrass me. Sure. Don't make me do my job here, you know what I mean?

I like that. We had that one time, we got, um... We got pulled we got pull over quite late. in West Philadelphia. What the hell are you doing down there? Don't ask. Don't ask what we are doing in West Philadelphia. I was born and raised on the playground. I was where I spend most of my days. That's a lie. We're actually at

Jefferson Hospital? The one on like, it would be like 39th or something. Nah, nah, I know exactly what you're talking about. Yeah. Because Cotton and I tried to do a show there. Marlboro. Yeah, because before I worked, I worked for Marathon Grill down in Jefferson. I think Wednesdays, Wednesday nights,

that's how you know you're a bad student. You're going to 50 cent mixed drinks on Wednesday night, fucking 30 minutes from your college campus. 50 cent drinks? 50 cent, maybe it was even quarter. your college campus. 50 cent drinks? 50 cent, maybe it was even quarter. Yeah, it was 50 cent drinks. Man, that's crazy. So I never had that much cash.

So my boys would cover, pay my cover. They'd be like, I can get you in. I had enough. I had seven, eight bucks. I can maneuver in there. You're fucked up. You know what I mean? Yeah. 50 cent drinks. 50 cent mixed drinks. 50 cent mixed drinks. I believe that's maybe a dollar? No. It's crazy. It was under. That's awesome. And we were leaving there. I wasn't driving,

but there was like 10 of us in a car. Abroad, everybody, we're like piled in there. Because we had, that's on Drexel and Penn's campus and we were coming from Temple, the other side of the track. Bad news. So we were in my we were in my buddy's two-door grand dam about like seven or eight of us like broads legs sticking out the window. It was shout out to Eddie Spaghetti. You know him. I know Eddie Spaghetti. Said Spaghetti we get whoop whoop we get lit up. Eddie drove a grand dam? I don't think it was his. I mean it wasn't stolen but it was never in his name.

Gotcha. I think it might have been like his sister's but she was at somebody's. It was a car. Was it white? Red. It's either white or red in the Grand Dam. Grand Dams were hot for him. That was the first car I wanted. They came back when I was like about to turn 16 and I was like I printed out a minute. Yeah, that was the first car I wanted. They came back when I was like about to turn 16.

And I was like, I was depressed. I printed out a picture of my guess is what I was Pontiac out the door. Are they still banging? Not around, I think. Yeah. They might have like the vibe or something, I think. But I think we might have looked this up. Pontiacs were all right. Um, that grand dam in Grand Prix, when they re-released those, they were good looking fucking coupes.

They were dope in the 80s, too but We get pulled over and the cops like I mean, I think all of us were yeah We're all underage. We're all sophomores sweating now, man thinking about it How do these lights and he was just like that? How you doing over here? You coming from it? Luckily. I think Eddie was Pretty straight and narrow sure at the time. You know what I mean? It was it wasn't like He was a designated driver, and I'm I'm the only one with a little bit of fucking you know wits about me You got 38 drinks in here

Officer I'll take it from here Guys I'm on the job you start arresting I swear to wire the whole time Start telling him a joke. He was like, listen, he's like our shifts over. If he's like, I got your name, I got your registry, I got everything. Our shifts over at 6 a.m. This car better be here when we get back.

Like before we're going to check at the end of our shift at 6 a.m. or 7 a.m. or whatever. As I get this car is going, he left the car and took the days. I get to go home, leave the car here, go home. If we come back and this car is gone tonight, you're all. I'm I'm putting I'm putting papers on all your races. Wow. Yeah, it's pretty good. Yeah, just wanting you to be safe. Be safe. Sure. Uh huh.

I had we had a cop do that one time. It scared the fuck out of me. My first interaction with a cop, I might have told you before. We were at town line. Me and my boy Rodney were had a couple couple of ladies with us. We were in like, I don't know, fifth grade, sixth grade. And we were like skipping rocks at the creek. And this cop pulled in and he's like, get over here.

Called us over. And like we were like flicking rocks. So we thought we had something in our shirt. So we're literally kids. Yeah. So he starts taking everybody's information. He's like, what's your name? And he gets to me and I'm like, why do you want this? I don't know. I don't know how I piped up.

But that pissed them off. Sure. He's like, because I need something like that. I gave him my old address. And then he just left. Yeah, didn't look anything up. Just kind of like tagged us a little bit. Yeah, just check you scared the shit out of me. Let him know you don't sell a fucking nickel bag in that neighborhood without his without him getting wet in his beat.

He needs to know the players. John C. Riley and gangs in New York. Uh, yeah. All right. This one's from Gooch McGillicuddy. You ever get pulled over while having a heater and have to put it out in your change cup? Uh, yeah. All right. This one's from Gooch McGillicuddy. You ever get pulled over while having a heater and have to put it out in your change cup? I've always thought about that. If you are smoking and you do get pulled, I've never been pulled over while smoking.

It's got to be. Do you mind putting that out? That's major disrespect. Yeah, but then where do you put it? You can't. That's littering. I field strip it. Field strip? Oh, like that. That's still technically now that everybody's cool with that Because I got pulled over for flicking a cigarette out the window and I had field stripped it and the guy pulled me over He's like what are you doing throwing that cigarette out? I was like this one. He's like alright. Yeah, but I want away What's field stripping it? You just like push the cherry off it got you get the you separate the cigarette from the filter gotcha

Because that's the thing that's really bad for the environment It's not the another stuff will biodegrade in a couple of days you got a nice. Yeah, you got it. You got fucking tobacco It's a leaf and paper. It's all dipped in fucking chemicals you both come on. I mean now we're worried about the water supply I don't know you brought it up fucking cops behind me dickhead Jammed up here You got to put it out you can't talk to a cop I understand But then where do you I guess I go buddy? Where do I can I stomp this and where what do I what you want me to eat it?

What do you want me to do here? Yes gonna that straight It feels like a setup if I'm being honest with you and trapmen tell me to put it out I put it out. You know you arrest you arrest me. Lock me up. I feel like if you're smoking and driving, I don't know that if I was a cop, that would be here on something. That's smoking and driving? Yeah, I don't know at

night. If I pulled, if I had a reason to pull you over and you were smoking, I don't know that would set off a little bit of a red flag with me. I remember the first time I saw a cop smoking. My mind was, it was at the, it was in a Wawa were smoking. I don't know. That would set off a little bit of a red flag with me. I remember the first time I saw a cop smoking. My mind was at the, it was in a Wawa parking lot. I said, what the hell is that all about? Was he in the car? In a car. Really? Cranking one. This is early 90s. I remember being like, he's a criminal. Like in my head, I was like,

in my head, cops didn't smoke because smoking was like my very, you know, good versus evil brain. It's like, sure. My dad smokes. Cops don't smoke. You know what I mean? Smoking was like my very, you know, good versus evil brain. It's like, sure. My dad smokes. Cops don't smoke. You know what I mean? It was very much that. Criminal smoke. Criminal smoke. That's what I just said. Yeah. That's why somebody got somebody smoking.

Yeah, but I feel like cops are pulling so many people over that it's like, you know, and they unfortunately, I'm sure people of the lower ilk are getting pulled over more than the guy in the Mercedes, the banker, the Mercedes and getting pulled over as much as the guy in the fucking. He's not smoking. If he has a cigar or something, you know, it's got a French extender on it. But you know, evening gentlemen, otherwise you're in like a 98 grand dam and you're fucking you're yet your headlights out inspections done. It's like, you know. That'll always get

you. That guy's catching a heater. Yeah. For sure. Man, a headlight out or a tail light out. Yikes. Gotta be careful. Um. I remember they used to have the registration. On the, on the license. Or on the back of the license plate. The sticker. Yeah. I think they still do, no? No, not in New York. It's just a lot. Oh, New the registration on the on the

license or on the back of the license plate. The sticker. Yeah. I think they still do, no? No, not in New York. It's just a lot. Oh, in New York. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um I saw a couple more here. This one's from Dickalope Ultra.

First time, long time. In my early twenties, I was on supervised probation and had to get hair follicle drug test. That ain't white collar crime. **** that. My hair was too short a few times so they had to take my armpit hair and it never grew back. That's crazy. That dude. That's...

You are a drug addict. I would have shaved my head. If people are pulling your fucking armpit hair out to test you. Man. Go for the pubes. Yikes. Like a seal down here. Try and get me. That was always the big that was always the big thing and you

know, is the hair follicles. It's it stays in your you know, whatever. I mean, my boys would try to they had every frickin thing you could do to beat. Swabbing gonna take that out either a parole office or probation. Every every one of my boys was on probation. They said that with acid. Acid stayed in your hair for a long time. I was always, acid was never in your hair. I was in like, you had to get like a spinal tap to check acid because everybody would

do, everybody would do hallucinogens on probation because you couldn't test for them. Didn't show up and like, they were testing for perks, barbiturates, frigging, you know, a little reefer. Barbiturates, that's a throwback my mom hit me with that not too long I think he was doing barbiturates even the wolf of Wall Street lady fuck you talking about barbiturates called Zanny part called tombstone you're gonna shot out here fucking clinical and shit. It's a goddamn streets to a doctor Just give me the money

Hmm God when I was 10 years old I cut off my name my neighbor's ankle monitor so he could make a run 40 was caught Less than an hour later Imagine soliciting a 10 year old to cut off your ankle monitor so you can make a run never gonna get away Yeah, you're to get caught. Yeah, it makes I think I pissed about that shit, too. Mm hmm. Things are expensive. Sure.

That's always nuts to me. Man, cutting it all your home. Throw on TV. Got to be something on. That's long order reruns or something. I remember I knew a kid in North Carolina that was on house arrest. He's living pretty high on the hog. He's also dealing.

So people came over to hang out or coming over, hanging out, and leaving with a bag. You know what I mean? That's pretty funny. Jesus Christ. This one's for Misty Longhair, $10 felon. This guy submitted a lot. This guy's been in the clink here. Okay. Is it garbage that during my opioid addiction, I started robbing small stores, Dunkin's, Carvel's, etc. With a note, no weapon or violence to get my fix

for the day. I was on the news and didn't know it They called me the ice cream bandit and the clip is filled with puns cops could use a few scoops on this one It's gonna end with a rocky road when he gets caught. I did six years I've been clean 15 home 10 shout out to you big let's go. That's fucking great the ice cream bandit Ice cream bandit strikes again. That's pretty good. That's a pretty good listen. I obviously don't recommend robbing anybody But that's a pretty those that's a that niche Dunkin Donuts and Carvel ain't expected to get knocked over you know what I mean they ain't got a bank. I back up They don't have protocol. They go. Just give them the fucking money get them the fuck out of here

As it's probably there, you know It ain't like walking into fucking savings and trust and getting trying to get them to open the vault some security guard with an itchy trigger finger Yeah, you just get some teenage girl or whatever who's like here's the 112 bucks in the cash register this guy gets his fix for today. Damn happy to hear you're doing well, but 100% buddy That's fantastic. Yeah, that's wild Yeah, okay this one's from Kristen PSB my mom told me I wasn't allowed to see my grandpa for three years because he spanked me for picking my nose Turned out he was actually in lockup for trying to rob a bank

Respecting a mom for keeping the dad's name clear. I know, but it's for spanking you. He thinks he's a dick now. Say he's in the CIA. That's what the motto is saying. Sopranos as overseas working for the CIA or the FBI, something like that. I mean in college trying to rob a bank. What grandfather is going back to college and live it on campus

going out of state for college? Hey, never stop learning. Man. All right. This one's just funny. And then we got to wrap it up. This is from Durango. I once got a ticket in the driver's education car. That's a tough look. That's you splitting out with the fucking instructor. I know what they say.

He's got his steering wheel on a brake. Why you why you let me fucking break the law? That's fucked up. You pull somebody over for that. What that is? Listen, that's a warning. That's a J.O. cop right there. Obviously, you don't know what he's doing. He's trying to figure it out. He's learning. Let him go.

Talk about cutting your legs out for one. Pulls them out. Fucking Frisco search. Oh, God. All right. We got to wrap it up. Gang, we love you to death. Uh-huh. We'll see you next week. Peace. Peace.