Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Dave Attell!

Episode Date: April 1, 2024

Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast presents stand up comedian Dave Attell! You know Attell from Stand Up Comedy, Insomniac, The Joe Rogan Experience, Kill Tony w/ Tony Hinchcliffe, Whiskey Ginger w/ Andrew Santino, and his new special "Hot Cross Buns" out now! Thanks for watching Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast. Come to a live show! Through the Roof Tour Tickets: https://areyougarbage.com/ Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/ PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Liquid IV: https://www.liquid-iv.com Promo Code: Garbage Blue Chew: https://bluechew.com/ Promo Code: Garbage Mack Weldon: https://mackweldon.com/ Promo Code: Garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Hachi Maci, the 2024 Through the Roof Tour is about to launch, baby. Come out and see the boys at the stand-up comedy show, and then we answer your garbage questions. You've seen the clips, you know it's a good time. Grab the squad and come see the boys, baby. Yeah, it starts April 17th in Charlotte, North Carolina. Then April 18th, we're going to Nashville, Tennessee. April 19th in Tampa, Florida at the Tampa Theater.

April 20th at the Center Stage Theater in Atlanta, Georgia. Get all those tickets and tickets for all the other cities on the Through the Roof Tour at RUgarbage.com. Welcome to another exciting edition of RUgarbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R U Garbage.

It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that it's a good to be classy. After just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host age fully coming at you on a beautiful day We're out back here at Tooties and a new addition. She's in the garage doing a little a little little chest press So out there working with the dumbbells 225 this broad she's pretty strong scrappy. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He's the CEO Are you garbage? He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan What's up gang? Thanks for tuning in as always

Please make sure you rate you subscribe on iTunes full video available on YouTube as you know those numbers are true Cooking obviously I can't do this with him staring at me obviously the greatest website of all time WWW.patreon.com slash are you garbage gang check it out? It's a party. Uh-huh How about a nice shout out to our producer extraordinaire? The old magic man makes us all look good works the ones the twos the threes and the fours He crosses the T's and he dots the eyes give it up for T bone Mcscruffins Toby McBowen everybody. What up boys? Hey, pal, I'm stoked man break out a girl's gone wild commercial. Take me back Gang the long hair ain't lying cuz we couldn't be more excited of our incredibly and I mean incredibly special

Yes here with us today for the first time He is a legendary stand-up comedian actor and writer and you might have seen him in but not limited to sit back folks because he's got A laundry list of credits you got Louie you got teachers lounge train wreck the Jim Gaffigan show Bob'sburgers difficult people Iult People, I Feel Pretty, The Simpsons, Bumping Mikes, Crashing, Bupkis, Life of Beth, HBO Comedy Half Hour, Late Show with David Letterman, Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn, Insomniac with David Tell,

40 episodes of that, Arrested Development, you got Comedy Central Presents, Heckler, Late Night with Conan O'Brien, Tosh.0, WTF with Mark Maron, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Dave's Old Porn, 16 episodes of that, Carson Daly, you got the Jim Norton Show, The Daily Show, 19 episodes of that, you got Cop Show, The Joe Rogan Experience, Jimmy Kimmel, Something's Burning, Lights Out with David Spade, Friends Who Kill, and Conan. He also wrote 20 episodes of Saturday Night Live and 16 episodes of The Jon Stewart Show

and many, many more. And also has multiple stand-up specials and albums out right now. You got Your Mouse Not Pregnant, Captain Miserable, Road Work, Skanks for the Memories, Insomniac Tour, and he's got a brand new special out right now over there on Netflix.

So you gotta check out Hot Cross Buns. Give it up for the one the only mr. David Teller I left off Caroline's comedy Buddy what a body of work It's all boiled down to a ripped piece of loose leaf. Well thanks for having me on. You know I gotta say one thing.

You know I've done a lot of pods or podcasts, whatever you call it, but this is the one I've been wanting to do. Oh thank you. So it's great to be here at Tutty's. Is that what it's called? Yeah, yeah. There we go. The ready room.

I like that. That's what I gotta borrow over there. You got a couple of gumball machines and whatnot. It's kind of a real got a bar over there. You got a couple of gum ball machines and whatnot It's kind of a real make-a-wish in here Anything goes here a real fat kids make a wish which reminds me when I did difficult people keep keep referencing shitty credits We used to say go ahead You're on the A-list, we used to say. Go ahead, I'm sorry. Oh man.

Give us the backstory. What's the origin story of David Tell? What are the mysteries surrounding you? I don't know, I think, well, let's face it. I mean, I'm an old man, you know, this is not the lighting or anything like that, but I am an old man. All right, let me earn it.

It's not the lighting or the three hats. Guys, let me earn it. No, I did this Philly style. Come on, man. All right. Let me. The lighting of the three guys. Guys, let me earn it. No, I did this Philly style. Come on, man. You haven't seen this in front of Pats or Genos. Oh, I didn't bring my squeegee. Anyway, yeah, I'm from Long Island. And you know, I've been doing comedy now 37 years.

Wow. Love that. That's why this new special hot cross buns, 37 minutes. Yeah. One minute. For every hour. Yeah, for every year. There you go. I love that. That's why this new special hot cross buns 37 minutes. Yeah one minute for every hour Yeah, very here. There you go. I love it and You know I started out local scene of course, and I know you guys are new to the New York scene So how are you finding it you like it? Yeah, we love it man. Yeah, we love it great We've been here for about ten years actually. Yeah slugging it out for a long time. That's all right guys Yeah, and once you get on my radar you're here

slugging it out for a long time. That's all right, guys. Yeah. Once you get on my radar, you're here. Right? Right. We're in, baby. Yeah, that's right. All the hot coffee and prunes we can ask for.

There you go, bud. You have one of them. You're on the winning team now. You have one of my very early New York comedy memories. We were standing out front of the Village Lantern down there. Oh, yeah, that's right. We were barking, waiting for the show to get off. And you walked by, and you said, toe the line, boys, hold the line.

That was grooming, by the way. That's not comedy knowledge or anything. He also gave me a whiff. Did I? Hey, sugar tits. Well, I will say this, is that I've been doing comedy mostly on the road, because I'm a road comic, a club comic. But I didn't think this comedy boom would go so long. You know, I mean, when I started, it was kind of the comedy bust, you know,

it was the Dust Bowl times. So it was really kind of, you know, it was kind of bleak. And, you know, it was not a big deal. But now I think it's off to the races. Yeah, it's bigger than it's ever been. It's crazy, yeah. It is really big. And I was stupid to put all that effort into juggling, because I figured it would be,

what's the next art form that needs some attention? It's not the fire sticks we're gonna take off. Something fire sticks, maybe even ventriloquism might come back, I don't know. But yeah, no, I've been doing it for a long time and you guys have seen what I do, it's not just like dumb jokes basically. One of the best, baby.

Hell yeah. Hey, well thanks man, I appreciate it. And in this world where everybody is a critic you know I of course have to filter up a bit but back in the day you know in the roaring 90s you know pretty much anything went. Sure it was flawless. It was a good time you know and you know I could totally see why you know people are the way things are now but it was definitely more fun back then. Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Understandable. It was more raucous. Raucous body, you know? Dave, take us back a little bit further. Mom and dad, brothers, sisters, what are we talking about here? We're in Long Island. All of the pronouns are in one house.

They them. I'm from originally South Shore, Long Island, and I grew up in a family business, which is, I don't know if you guys are into bridal but my dad had a bridal shop I worked there. Okay. My mom worked there. Wow.

At one point all of my brothers worked there. My grandpa worked there. At one point my grandpa worked for me because I was head of shipping and receiving. Okay. And he worked for me. So in 90 well at that point it was in the 80s and I was 17 Really a weird thing and I sold shoes and Tuxes, you know for oh shit. Yeah, and stuff like that

And you know as a boy of course being close to all of that femininity sure I mean really and fight the urge no jumping teams, but uh I was gonna say you know at night I would clean the store. It was just me and the mannequins. Oh, all right. At what age did you start working? Was it young? Oh, yeah, like around 16. And your dad opened the store out there.

Yeah. Okay. So busy, I assume? No, it actually fell apart when we lost our house. So it's like one of those stories. But thanks for bringing that up, fatty. No, no, I don't mind getting into it. The guy put everything he had into it,

and that's just sometimes how it goes. But I will say one thing is that it did help me learn to talk to people, that kind of thing. And having to deal with these crazy brides, the bridezillas and all that kind of stuff. And also the guys with the tuxes, like when it would go out, it would look totally different when it came back.

You know, like covered in puke and other... Yeah, blood and stuff. You're talking what, early 80s? When were you working there? I would say early 80s and then, you know, then I went to college, you know, went to NYU. Did you? Did you really? I didn't know that. I just really wanted out of the house. I was a terrible student, but... What'd you major in? Protesting. They had three majors back then.

No, film and television. Okay. And, you know, it's funny because, like, the cellar is right by there. Yeah. When I see these kids walking around in their bubble, you know, and I was never like those kids because, you know, once I went to go see Stand Up, I really was like, oh, man, this is so cool. But I didn't think I could do it or or I didn't think I was gonna do it,

or anything like that. And then I kinda like jumped into it, like open mic style. And, you know, but the seller was right there. So I would go see like Alan Havy and Colin Quinn. There was so many like great legends of comedy that were like working at that point. But comedy itself was like kinda bleak.

And you know, by the time I got into it, it was pretty much death. And I used to work at the old original improv in Midtown. And that was run by Silver Saunders Friedman, who was Bud Friedman's ex wife. And I'm sure the comedy fans out there know this, but there was a divorce. Bud went west and Silver kept the New York club. Yeah. And Bud's club went on to great success. And the New York one was pretty much turned into a pizza shop.

It flamed out. It really flamed out. But that's a place where I learned a lot about like what not to do in comedy. Pretty much where like you guys will get this where it's a lot of guys who were pretty much, you know, waiting on a sitcom show. They didn't put much work into their act. So I go up there, do the same set, and then get drunk and high.

And I always said to myself, since I work in the door, I'm like, if I ever get that stage time, I'm gonna do something new. So that's what I always said to myself. And I try and live by that creed, I guess. But that's where I saw Bill Hicks for the first time, and all these different people. And then back in the day, there were clubs

that you probably wouldn't realize, but like Stand Up New York was rocking. It took me years to get in there, years. Even when we moved here, Stand Up New York was the place to be. And now, you know, I don't know what it is now, a paint store or something, but it's still out there. And what were some of the other ones there?

Like the Comedy Store, like, you know, I never got in there, you know, it took a long time to get in there. I was working in the other club with Rick Newman. I'm losing the name now, cause I, my, I'm old, but. Catch. Catch Rising Star, which was like another one. That's where like Adam Sandler and all those guys would play and I would, you know, watch them.

And I, and I was like, you know, this is so cool. And, but at that point, all these clubs were slowly on the down, on the downtrend. So I guess the one that you guys also would, would know is Caroline's. Is this how big Caroline's was? So that was a big pop for me when I finally got to play all these clubs and I was a regular,

but it was definitely a, you know, it wasn't like a straight path to the middle. Was this in college you started? No, no, no, after college. And I had jobs and I thought I was gonna join the Navy. I was gonna do a lot of different things, but I never committed to comedy until like I'd say my late 20s,

where it's like I did every night, I did every open mic he could, I would go to work, I lived in Brooklyn, I would come back in the city, I would do my open mics and I'd go back. So I was like one of those kinds of things for years and years and years, but I never thought this would be my job.

I thought like eventually I would have to get another job. Of course. And back then it was a different type of comedy. There was no spectrum. There was just odd people. And to be honest, it was a lot more fun. I think that the guys that I started with,

a lot of them went on to great success. Some of them are still doing comedy. Some of them have moved on to movies and television and all that kind of stuff. But at the very beginning of it, it was just like, you know, just trying to be as funny as you can. And like, yeah, sure.

It's very political getting these clubs and all that kind of stuff. But the whole idea was like, I sucked for a long time. So it was really cool that like, I was able to do it kind of under the radar. Not like now where people kind of like Immediately their first set is right up on tick tock Yeah, you know so no stand-up in college you finish college and go on going back a little bit

You guys were in a single-family home growing up. Yes a single-family home. Okay. Okay. Is this some kind of inquisition here? They lost their home They lost their home. This is what the show is. They lost their home and then they were living in a place and when my dad died I had to immediately get my mom out of that place so I moved like an entire house in like six days like with a U-Haul and everything like that and you know it really beat me up like it just like you know my body fell apart and everything like that. But I totally got her into a new house. And you know, now my mom has dementia.

So okay, I didn't know she played football. But it's one of my jokes. I figured I'd lighten the load a little bit here. With the CTE material. Yeah. You know, anyway, she's doing the best she can. She's a great lady. She deserves everyone.

Everyone with your with your older parents out there I know you got a young audience correct Older those are more Nickelodeon We're big with the team I feel for you anybody wants to take care of an old person At home I feel for you because that really is a job you don't get enough credit And let's face it you're not gonna. It's definitely you're an angel okay? Yeah, my dad my dad passed a dementia a couple years ago he passed from it yeah he passed from it he had Louie body's disease Lou what yeah I

heard of that one what is that one it's like a form of dementia I thought maybe he thought he was Louie Louie's body disease yeah just eating pizza walking around the village. Well, that's tough, buddy. I feel for you. Thanks, pal. Uh what were the vacations like as a kid? Well, that I'm glad you brought that up. You know, my

parents were good to us, you know. I think I actually was spoiled personally because now I see these other kids and like what they have to go through but we go to Florida. We did a lot of camping. I don't know why we were always

camping all the time. We were camping and then um I remember we had a big trip to Canada one time, but it was like one of their big holidays. We couldn't get a hotel. So my dad was like driving us for like hours and hours, like between like like Montreal and some other place and like trying to find a hotel. And it was like one of those things like, you know, like we live in our car. We're a family. Sure.

Will we ever find a place to lay our heads? He's already writing the treatment. Yeah. And then we went West Coast one time. So yeah, they always took very good care of me. My dad was cool that way. You know, even though the guy worked constantly, always like, you know, we did that kind of stuff. So they were good that way. So you had your passport young. What did you get? Are you trying to ask? Yes, I'm Jewish. Alright, just get to it, buddy.

Don't dance around it. I'm a member of the tribe. Yeah, I had a no. Did I have a passport young? No, I had a pool pass. I have a passport. It's not like today's kids where they're flying around the world. We were like, Whoa, holy, we're going out. Were you driving to Florida or flying to Florida? I actually drove down one time with my dad to deliver a car. That was like a big, like, you know, I'm 16, you know, and I wanted to be on my own. Like, I'm like, hey, why don't you rest in the hotel? I'm going to go out and like try and, you know, score,

you know, like do something. But anyway, no, we flew down there. So I was on an airplane. Okay. Okay. When was, how old were you when you first learned to fly? I think when I first learned to fly? I mean, when you learned about flying? I was probably like five or six, we went to

Florida as well, but then it was like a stretch after, it was like fifteen years or something after that before I got back on that. My brother's a pilot. So there you go. What do you think of that? That's pretty fucking badass. He was the youngest pilot on Long Island, I think he was like seventeen or something like that. Really young. Really? What does he still fly?

Oh yeah, he's a commercial pilot now. Well. No kidding That's pretty cool. Hey another factoid my brother was an Eagle Scout. How about that? Hmm? Yeah? That's like being a You know what a colonel in the boys We go back and forth on the Boy Scouts and Eagle Scout you didn't participate. Yeah, I was in the Scouts, too Okay, yeah, of course. I have plenty material in my special you can check it out there you go yeah consummate pro it was a love-hate if you will sure but I think you know now the now would I have done the Scouts with all the digital gaming out there probably not you know I know I wanted out early sure I played the drums how about you

guys really I tried the guitar. How about you guys really? I tried the guitar and the bass for a while really really pan out. Hmm. Were you a good drummer? No, I don't think I was and all my friends were drummers So I'm like what kind of bank we put together here of all seven drummers. Yes, Kimmy Let's talk about liquid IV baby Shout out the liquid IV as you know uncle Hanks been sicky for a couple of days and Liquid IV is my best friend. It's not just for the gym. It could be if you're sicky.

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Everybody was in a band. Yeah. That's true, they were in a band where they sold paint. It was one of those things. No, they were a ton of really talented guys. And I was like, you know, so many bands started on Long Island, you know, like Twisted Sister and all these different things. And there used to be a lot more places to hear a band on Long Island.

Then it kind of fell apart. And it was its own scene outside of New York, outside of the city. Yeah, I feel like, you know, when I started, because I played Governors a lot when I started, you know, and like Governors is kind of like my other home club. And I'm a Long Island guy, too. the terrifying is playing those Long Island crowds. Yeah. When you when you suck, you know, and they will tell you. Oh, yeah, there was no quiet nodding or like any of that kind of, you know, it was like you saw old school style. I was there on Friday. He ain't lying. Yeah, that kind of thing.

And how how the guy who started the heckle was probably the guy that the crowd would rather go see than anybody else. Like they're like, that guy was great. He made the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He made the show that much better by screaming out. And he sports as a kid. What's that? Any sports? No, I separated my shoulder doing judo though. Okay. Really, I think, you know, my mom was, she's pretty cool with letting us do whatever we wanted to do. Like

when I was seventeen, me and my older brother, the guy's a pilot, we wanted to go parachuting. So my mom, we went to my mom and she just signed something. She goes, okay. And then we just went and we just did it. Like she let us drive. We were allowed to drive cars like when we were like 15. Like we were allowed to do pretty much anything like climbing telephone poles, you know, power cut. Like we were boys, you know, there were three boys and one girl in the family. So a lot of boy stuff, but not many sports. Like we were all kind of like wheezy, kind of, you know, there's three boys and one girl in the family, so a lot of boy stuff, but not many sports, like we were all kind of like wheezy, kind of, you know, sad, you know,

I had like bronchitis growing up. So it was a lot of like, my mom was constantly making me drink the cold medicines, you know, and even at school they thought I had like a problem, because they're like, you know, this guy like what's wrong with him, and like, you know, he's kind of like dumb, he's not getting, he's always disheveled looking.

So I thought it was gonna be like a family court kind of thing, you know, like protective services kind of thing. Anyway. Well, he's drinking Robit Tussin. But my mom was so cool, she'd always cover, she'd do all my homework and everything like that. Yeah, so I had like this great womanly handwriting.

Sure, yeah, yeah. But in class I was actually like dumb. It was like, yeah. But I would say that I was not a school guy I was not a sport guy very low self-esteem. What was like the social? How are you just hanging out with friends? You know throwing frisbee around and drunken bushes Yeah, Long Island. I think it's a lot like Philly where Larry and very drinking was very important to us Yep, drinking and driving was like an art form. Yeah, it still isn't not still is in those places

You know, this is the beginning of Taco Bell. So really kind of fit in very well with our lifestyle They could go out and have it with this beach there. So yeah on the beach, but you know, we weren't like cool I mean, I would say like average guys. Yeah, well you a Jones Beach guy Is that where you go and hang out Jones Beach now? I was wondering with Philly you guys have to really put in a lot of effort to get to a beach take it down the shore Yeah, do we call it down to shore, South Jersey. And an hour and a half. Would you get a house, well that's later

and when you get older, you get a house, right? Yeah, you would get a house with, I mean, your buddies, I did that one summer, but it was mostly like, it would be my mom and my aunt taking us down in like a motel room for a couple. That sounds like a party. For the weekend, yeah, I mean it was. Your mom and your aunt.

My mom and my aunt, they were both divorced and there was like seven kids between the two of them. Oh, wow. It was like a flop house. So what's the beach like down there? Uh, it's the same as up here. I would say it's not as up here. It's longer. I feel like we're here Does that make sense? I don't know. It really is. I was just out West. Do you know Louis Katz? Yeah Yeah, great comic so we were out and he goes I want to go see a tidal pool Which I thought was a for something else he was talking about like I want to go with you to a tidal You got the cash on you. Yeah, I'm like, okay So we went and like seeing the Pacific like it's so beautiful beautiful the clubs and stuff

Yeah, not the beach that I grew up with a muddy kind of the gray water of the Atlantic Yeah, a haze coming off of it, you know, kind of like a stink. Yeah. You know? But I always say, because, you know, we've been moving around a little bit, there's something about that water, though, that is refreshing and is like it feels like our home. The Atlantic?

Yeah, it's like our home soup. You know what I mean? Like the gray cold water. I think we found our next Aquaman right over here. Get him in the water. Aquaman. Right over here. Get him in the water. Okay, what was your personal first car that you got?

Wow, that's interesting. Personal one? Like you and your brother share what your brother's? No, no, no. We were always driving all these clunkers around. Like my family had a bunch of cars. So like, you know, they were like not cool cars, like wagons and stuff like that.

But I think the first one I personally had was a Datsun. Okay. And I guess the cool of that car was like, you know, they were like not cool cars like wagons and stuff like that But I think the first one I personally had was a Datsun Okay, I guess the cooler that car was like it was so already so messed up, you know And it was so like there was nothing I could do to it, you know And it could honestly constantly getting banged around and at that point, you know I was like a comic and I would drive to the gig So that was my selling point like I can drive to the car and open. Yeah, which is very important. Comedy is getting to the gig. So I remember like, you know, just like me and like,

you know, like whatever the girl, you know, dating a girl and like we go. This was in New York in the 90s. So, you know, which is kind of a lot like now. But when you go for breakfast and then you come back and somebody stole your battery, but they'd be like sitting next to the cars trying to sell you the battery I think that's my battery and they're like, no it isn't I'm like how interesting that my battery is stolen There's a guy selling a battery right over here. It's like, you know, so that kind of thing

I remember one time my car got up jacked, you know, it got ripped off and you know, I was like, oh man I can't believe it. What am I gonna do? And then I got a call from the police and they're like we found your car. It's running Like just somewhere it's running and if you don't get here, we're gonna tow it and you're gonna charge you So they had hotwired it to run, you know, and then they just said we're done with this dumb car somewhere Yeah, so it was on me. Damn. Yeah stick shift or automatic that dots a stick stick Yeah, it was a lot of fun to drive. Yeah. So cross that one off. There you go. I had to drive a stick.

Do you remember your first concert was the first concert you went to? Geez. A comedy concert or just regular regular music. I don't know. Probably like a Shaanana or something. No shit. You went to see Bowser. Yeah. I used to love that show. Did you know they were at Woodstock? Yeah, I did know they were at Woodstock? Yeah, I did know they were at Woodstock.

I found that out not that long ago. What would your reaction be if you saw them there? I'd throw an egg at them if you were there. Whoa, what is this? Because there's a lot of people who weren't in the movie. You know that, right? Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of different people in there.

And I guess they were one of the acts, a big act of the time, maybe. They were a huge act of the time. I remember that show that they had on Friday nights or whatever it was. Yeah. Was unbelievable. I remember watching that.

I remember watching Hee Haw and Dukes of Hazzard. We're all on like the same run, I feel like. That Hee Haw, man. I liked it too. There was a lot going on in that cornfield. Whenever I remember this thing. You don't know what the fuck you guys are talking about. It was great.

It was so, I think if we went back and watch those episodes There's probably hidden messages that sure can predict our times that we are living now picture like like a country variety show Okay, yeah with you know like like musical acts, and you know like Like you can't do that on television kind of thing you know It was basically why reference an older Joe it was it was a white show for whites. Okay, very white. Okay. It was a little southern. Yeah, it was Let's see. What were you talking about concerts? Yeah, but I remember going to see Anybody big that you saw well, I saw Rodney Dangerfield at Westbury and I thought that was awesome Okay, it was funny cuz like it was me and like a extended group of guys to go see him and how great he was awesome. It was funny because it was me and an extended group of guys

to go see him and how great he was. But the crowd, I think, there was a lot of people writing his jokes down to use them again. They're all one-liners. Like, in the office, I'm gonna show everybody. So that was, talk about annoying. You look over, there's a guy writing it there. But so funny.

Westbury music, it's still a legendary venue, but I think it's a little worn, if you know, I mean like Westbury music is it's still like a legendary venue Yeah, I think it's a little worn if you know what I'm talking about But uh, yeah, so that's I saw him there and then at Jones Beach. There was always like some kind of show I'm trying to think of who we've ever see Journey Billy Joel anybody like that. No, I never saw Billy Joe, but I did go to the Remember Simon and Garfunkel in the park. You saw you were at that? Yeah, during the looting chain snatching attack in Central Park. Yeah, I was there. We were all there like eating grapes, trying to be very fancy drinking wine. Yeah. And then it was just like mayhem. Yeah, that was pretty good. Famous. I was a free concert. It was a free concert

for sure. Oh my God. It was a race to the train station back to Long Island where it's safe. This filthy, dirty city of ours. You mentioned being Jewish. Do you remember what you pulled in for your bar mitzvah? That's so funny, because during the pandemic, when I had no money and I never took any money from the government. All right. I want people to know that I had to cash out my bonds. And I looked at those old bonds and I was like, oh, my God,

I wonder if they'll even take these things. And I brought them to the bank and the guy goes okay half of these I don't even know how to do like this is like this is a button this like a treaty or something like Louisiana purchase yeah it's like something I don't know who gave you I'm like it's like a relative gives it to you when you turn 13 he didn't even understand what he's talking about, but that I would say 1979 I probably did all right. I probably pulled in like two or three grand That's pretty good

79 that's pretty good. Yeah, we always say being Catholic We have communion and you don't get shit and always jealous of our Jewish friends like when I clean up Yeah in the late 80s my boys were making like 20 30 grand really at their yeah all like my rich friends man they were really good at their bar mitzvah's and stuff yeah they were unbelievable and Russian wedding you know it's really this is just so full circle because I used to be when I was in college you know I had to have a job and I used to be an assistant to the wedding photographer who would do the videotaping and all that kind of stuff. So we would do all this, all these crazy weddings, all these different like, you know, all those different

kind of things, you know, this was before people would just videotape it themselves, you know. So that was really funny to see, like, you know, the Russian wedding, you know, the mixed marriage, you know, that was a big deal back then. Russian weddings. All right. Yeah know party actually it's really the Like the Persian wedding that it's like out of control go all out all up there Yeah, that one dude just spent six million though Indie guy just spent six million dollars to get Rihanna at the wedding Uh-huh. How awesome is that do what? All right, and these kids in their bar mitzvahs now, you know

They also get like, you know, like, you know big names, you know what I'm talking about? Sure Yeah, or the bonds thing'm talking about. Sure. Yeah, the bonds thing is funny, man. You still wait. Where did you have them? What? Where did you have the bonds? Were they in the bank? No, in my my house. You know, my brother had sent them to me and also some old stocks too. You know, like bad stocks like Elrond kind of stuff. You know, we clean out the house. That kind of thing. Sure. Sure.

But that pandemic, am I right guys? Wow. Yeah, it was a rough, rough go. It was really, you know, it was tough because, you know, taking care of my mom and everything like that, I couldn't really go into the house, so I would leave food out there

and wear a mask and everything like that. And like, that was really the hardest part of it, but it was also just the whole fact of like, you know, this woman barely knows who I am now because of her condition but just seeing this ugly face with a mask on appearing at her giving you food how's she doing I wouldn't eat anything that gave to me he's got three hats on back then I was down to two hats that's my name Davey two old Davey two old Davey two hatsats. Old Davey Two Hats. Old Davey Two Hats. Okay.

Okay, all right. Pretty good. Am I doing all right? You're doing all right. You're doing all right so far. Have you ever skied in jeans? Have I ever skied in jeans? Have you ever skied?

Well, my dad worked for a sporting goods store before he had his store, so he would bring home all this different equipment and we did go skiing. Or cross-country skiing, we did that. Cross-country skiing? Cross-country skiing? Which is the most unfun.

Ah, that's gotta be brutal. Yeah. Terrible. That sucks. Yeah, no we would, I'm not really out like that kind of a guy. Out of the cup. I don't, we had Long Island, so it's like LaCrosse,

then all the regular sports and stuff like that. But we were more than happy just like, you know, no, no, like, no, like chasing each other around with nail guns and, you know, make up your own good stuff. What are you in the wire? Yeah, we just like had fun that way. You know, fire like terrible fire, you know, like throw water balloon in a barbecue. And you guys have a tree for it at the house growing up.

You're a tree for it the house growing up? You ever built a tree fort? A tree fort. I apologize on his behalf. No, we had things like sheds. You know, like... There's four guys smoking weed in a shed next to a... So you would do that in Philly? You had a tree fort?

In the suburbs, yeah. In the burbs, you would, you know. It was mainly a place to just kind of go smoke cigarettes or... Look at Nudie Mags. Yeah, well, now you're talking Yeah, a nudie mag hmm. Yes Got a little salacious a tree for it. No, we would do ice Forts and like make ramps so we could jump them and everything like that. Okay

You remember what your bike was as a kid what you were what you were riding on? Huffy mmm. I don't I actually don't I hope this doesn't put me Am I gonna get into Harvard or no? No, I don't know man. What kind of bike did you guys have I had a huffy? Yeah, I had a Schwinn I think yeah for a while yeah back when they were delivered papers. No. I've always wanted to I just they have but those are it's never too late Get you in the program Get my act everyone loves an older paperboy everybody loves that yeah ball you go Petey I did it for a minute, but I would just hide the papers in my in my parents garage

But then eventually what happened is these older fat guys took over the business Yeah, they would go around in their cars And they would they would just yeah matter their cars and put us kids out of business I kind of like that too the older guy would just whip him out of his car. Yeah in the morning So I'm just coming. I that's sad whipping it out taking a kid's job. Go ahead bitch But we had so many other gigs that we would do so many many other weird jobs, shoveling and all that kind of stuff. Did you pack a lunch when you went to school, or did you buy school lunch? I think my mom packed a lunch for us,

and then when it was not cool to do that, we would have a school lunch, I think. But I'm not really, to this day, I don't really like eating that much during the day. I'm a night guy. No kid. I was always a night guy, even like, I did that in the time I was, I was'm a night guy. Like, I was always a night guy. Even like, you know, I did that in the side of me.

So I was like, how do you stay? I was like, even as a kid, I would stay up really late. Like, it would just be me and my mom, like, just watching TV at like two, three in the morning. And she'd be like, you should be in bed. And I'd be like, I can't really sleep or anything. I had bunk beds. Did you have bunk beds?

Yeah, bunk bed kids, yeah. The worst, isn't it? Yeah. This was as a kid. Were you in high school? Were you in grade school? Well, we had him like for From like little to you know, like not meant to staying up till 2 in the morning Oh, yeah little from little. Yeah, I was terrible sleeper. Yeah, huh? Terrible sleeper like what time do you what time is the first time you eat now? Did you have breakfast this morning?

No, I usually I usually eat try and eat something light and and then after the show, let's say I get dinner at one, then I wanna eat something, which is the worst thing to do. What are you going, are you going out? You going somewhere to get food? Maybe I'll get it, but usually on the road, because you eat so much road food, I'm like, oh, I better have a salad or something like that. But forget it, I have a terrible diet.

I only eat five things, so that's really what it is. I'm not a fish guy. Are you guys fish guys? No. I figured, yeah. I'm a burger,. I only eat like five things. So that's really what it is. I'm not a fish guy. Are you guys fish guys? Yeah. I figured. I'm a burger, chicken fingers guy. But Philly has some great food. I mean, like that's the one thing you can say about that town from the Italian food to everything is really, even the,

like I remember we were down there playing helium. Love you. It was a great club. Shout out to it. There was nothing open to get to eat, but there was this Chinese delivery place. It was like some of the best Chinese food I've ever had. So what's your Chinese order? What's your go to? I don't know, man. Have you ever tried this dating? Like we just keep asking questions like that. I like a nice, I like, I like to get a couple of egg rolls. Okay, gentlemen,

I'll do some fried dumplings. Okay. A chicken broccoli maybe. Okay. Some cold noodles. And then I haven't done the soups in a while, but the good thing is my mom also likes it. I'll get it for her and the women that we have taking care of her. So, you know, you get a bunch of food.

Sure. And then you can always eat it a couple days later. Why wouldn't you? Yeah. It's the best. And, you know, they give you the fortune cookie. Love the fortune cookie. Do you open it when you're alone? Because I don I'm real superstitious about them to be honest with you

I agree with you. I have some never like bad news I just I have to open it and I have to eat the cookie in order to read it and then usually Sounds crazy, but I'll keep it in my wallet for a couple of days if it's something that nice That's cool, then eventually throw it out, but. Wow. Well, how about this? You know, you take the fortune, right? And we used to do this and put it on our forehead, and then the other person would read it. That's funny. You don't know if they're telling you

the truth or not. You can do it if you guys want to. Pretty good. Line up with each other. You got 48 hours to live it, though. Yeah. Go ahead. All right. Okay. Wow, the Chinese food, that was a real, that was a good one.

Yeah. What about Mexican food? Do you eat that? Of course. Nice. What are the five things that you eat, you said? I try and eat, You got Chinese.

I like that. I like all, any type of burger. Chicken, of course, is great. And then, you know, I like, you know, right next to the cellar Mamoons, you know, good Mideast and stuff. So I hit the, I boxed the compass, you know, I go around the world a little bit.

You go falafel at Mamoons? I do the falafel, you know, they got a great kebab over there as well, and you know, what was I gonna say, I'll do some deli. I like, I see you guys as German deli. Do you like German deli, a nice Brockwurst? I don't mind't mind it. Yeah. Yeah, tell like the Jewish deli, you know, or I mean in New York It's that I'm a Sarges man. Yeah, I like as well. Sarges is my favorite Well, let me tell you a little story about Sarge's hit me might want to change tape

I've had multiple birthdays there. I've met people there. It was very important place to us Like I knew the staff really well. Then the pandemic hit and this place is gonna be 24 hours. It was like a lot of characters in there, like incredible fun, you know, times. And now it's open to like 10 o'clock if that. And it's talk about like expensive, man. Like the price is, you know, they sure are.

But it's a great spot. I love it. There's other places that are equal if not, you know, whatever, but that Yeah. But it's a great it's a great spot. Yeah. There's other places that are equal, if not, you know, whatever. But that was definitely a great hang after the show. So we were just talking about this to somebody the other day. Some places are starting to come back because everything it seems like since the pandemic, it's like nothing's open late. There's nowhere to get anything.

The game is shell of itself. Yeah. The Selka. Yeah. It's going to start to go going back to 24 hours again. Awesome. Which is exciting. That'll show that Putin That's good that was another place after the shows we would go there Yeah, and then of course, whoa hop Love in down in Chinatown. They also didn't go to 24 hours. Oh

They I haven't been in a while. Yeah. No, they they had a cut back on their hours You know, so that's pretty weird the best crispy noodles in the city Yeah Well, you know that and the duck sauce and the hot mustard but there has to be other places the younger kids probably know like The new like sure of like late-night hangs and all that kind of stuff. Do you go to Mineta at all? Mineta Tavern. Yeah, we used to go there. I I knew it more as a party place today became this kind of like five-star dining Yeah, it's good But it was always like a fancy like you want to impress a lady kind of place

but I I remember it more as a bar, but it was always like like like, you know, like D-level models and like wannabe actor types and then us loser comics coming in and out But now it's like almost like you have to like exclusive Yeah, let's talk about Mack Weldon baby. Shout out to the Mac attack gang. I'm sure you've been told that you can't have it all. Let me tell you something with Mack Weldon. You can have it all.

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Well, there was a great diner on 14th Street and it was called the Good Time Diner and that closed. But they knew me there. They used to bet on me coming in and everything. You know, like, oh, he's coming. And it would always just be me in the comics I brought or whatever. We had like a oh, he's coming. And it would always just be me in the comics I brought or whatever. We had like a little party there or something.

And I'd tip everybody out. And they loved it. They were so great. They were so great to us. And they went down, too. So that was like, somebody should do that at the Oscars where they do the like, gone but not. All the fallen diners.

All the great diner places. We're a big, obviously as comics, diner hang in New York is the go-to after spot hang. And they're disappearing left and right. And it's getting so expensive. On Long Island, I grew up in the diner world. And I think Jersey, especially South Jersey and all that stuff, their diners blow us away.

I mean, they still have some ones that are way better than what I use. Some of the classic ones, yeah. But I love a good diner. I do. Are you cooking anything at home? Are you making any food at home? I'm a soup man.

I do a soup. And then mostly just sandwiches. You'll make it. You'll make the soup? No, I won't make the soup. You'll buy like a container at the store. Now, that to me is the, that's a different type of sad, where you make a soup for yourself.

It's a long time to, that's a lot of self-reflection. That's a lot of holding a knife and thinking. Waiting for your stock to get. Yeah. Yeah. Are you a canned soup man or a powdered soup man? I do the powder, but I would say during the pandemic, I stocked up on a lot of, you know, prep food. OK, you stole that bond money.

Yeah. I still to this day have like a lot of granola bars, all these different things that, you you know in case things go down Sure, but I would say the can is the way to go would you agree? Yeah for me for my for my day from my talking about a can of Campbell's tomato chicken noodle cream of mushroom What are we talking about here? I mean, there's a big difference. You really you know you just hit all those These are the hard-hitting question. Yes, I'm totally with you on this because you know I don't know, like, what's the other one?

I guess Campbell's is what- Chunky? Campbell's is the one I grew up on, I would say. Yeah. But I do like the- Regresso is very popular. Yeah, but you know, I felt that that was culturally not my thing. I wasn't raised that way.

Sure. Regresso. Sure. Culturally not my thing. But my mom would make matz ball soup, so that was like, oh, that has to be homemade. And then, you know, for me, like what just the powders, I like doing that. Yeah. Do you have a favorite matzo ball soup in the city? I would say what we said, the psoca does a good one. OK. Sarge is as well. Sarge is actually really good. Sure. Do you have on the same thing of, you know, a local diner

where you're you can ask for the usual or your regular... What's your bodega situation now? Interesting. Are you going every day? Do they know you? Do you switch it up? That's a very New York thing and you are a very New York comedian. Alright. Relax. But I would say... I can't get a fucking read on this.

I don't know. I thought you guys had me against the wall with the soup choices. But this bodega thing. Now we're really turning the screws to you. Getting pretty hot under these lights, huh, big guy? Well, first of all, the one thing I will say about Philly is nothing beats a Wawa. Sure of a Wawa. So you guys must laugh your asses off whenever you walk into what we consider like, oh, a 7-Eleven. Yeah, 7-Eleven in New York.

That's like as good as it gets. Like Iraq, yeah. They're better. They're crazy. The one by the Cellars Knights. No, it's not. Oh, yeah, dude. No, the one by the-

I don't even use the ATM in there. There's a guy just waiting with a knife on the way out. The one by the haunted McDonald's. That one is like, that's a fight club. It's crazy. It's a fight club. And it's like one way in, one way out. Yeah, it's like-

You've got to walk by every monster in line. It's always like club. And it's like one way in, one way out. Yeah, it's like. You gotta walk by every monster in line. It's always like, it was like, have you ever wanted to be on a submarine and also be able to buy Snickers? And chili cheese. Yeah, cause you gotta do that. Make a hole!

Yeah. That comes right through. But I would say bodega-wise, it's all about buying cigarettes. It's on the same, yeah. And the same thing in Philly, cause you guys have really expensive cigarettes, right? In New York.

Yeah, they're more in New York. Now it's 19 bucks a pack. Crazy. So there you go. It's 19 bucks a pack. It's only a matter of time until they put a surge price on cigarettes. Like, oh, they're more expensive on the weekends, because that's when people smoke. Sure.

And like, oh, okay, it's June, so menthol is double the price. You know, like that kind of a thing. Well, you ever a carton man? You ever pick up cartons? I love it. You do? When I go on the road with like Ian Fadans, he's always saying we should get a couple of cartons

and bring them back. That's his kind of like of my cementing. He wants to- I just live off the winnings of the carton sales. He wants to sell them though. He does. Well, he's Delaware, born and bred, carton of smokes down there. You're a big time. You're a big man

Goddamn mayor moving and shaking but I would say that I smoke These American spirits, but I didn't start out smoking those, you know I smart smoke the reds and all the other stuff, but I was like Man cigarettes are so expensive and you know, I stopped drinking and doing all kinds of you know other stuff before all this pop became legal so I'm wondering if they're like is it cheaper to be a cigarette smoker or a pothead now probably cheaper to be a pothead yeah probably right it's getting stronger so it lasts longer I've done the research pothead for sure yeah it's cheaper oh yeah really like how much is what how do they do it again ounces and stuff well you can get like

the gummies and stuff like that yeah what is what is that? Any? I don't know I don't I don't mess with this. Okay, it's got a life Was that it's got THC in it? I know but what is it like compared to like other pot like what? It's just it's a slower gradual high that could hit you stronger. I would say would you agree with that? Yes. Yeah I I would put it at the difference of like maybe liquor, maybe wine and beer. It's like wine's a little stronger. The buzz is a little different. Maybe this is a better question for your when you guys do your um holiday show in Kensington. Nice part of town down there in Philadelphia.

Going back. I was like when they show like you know they put the music the sad music behind it And I'm like why don't you put some happy music behind it. These guys are having a blast. Yeah, I think they're having the best time of their lives. They're having way more fun than I am. It's the guy who owns the apartment in front of the That the guy's shitting in front of that really is having a tough time. Throw the Benny Hill theme in there, brighten that up a little bit. Back to the burger. How do you get your burger cooked? I like it medium. Well

Medium well, yeah, okay left-handed chef You don't ask when you sit down at a restaurant you never go is he left-handed or right-handed You cut it in half. No, I don't do that You eat it and then when you when you put it down do you put it back upside down, or do you put it back with the bottom bun? He's not gonna like this. Show me. No. You know what I'm saying?

What do you mean, do I put it? Sometimes when you bite it, and then you put it down like that. No, I had a father. I'm sorry, I'm deflecting now. So that really is one of your questions. One of you really thought, like, hey, what else is untapped on burger? So why do you put it like that?

Why do you do that? So that Slender Man doesn't eat it? What Philly the Mothman is coming for that burger? The Jersey Nevel will get you. How about fries? You didn't even talk about it. I don't want to do your job, but how do you like them? How do you like them? I like them crispy.

Yeah, you like them crispy. I would have made them. You guys probably like it with mayo on it, right? I don't mind it. Yeah, I like to dip it in mayo. Are you anti-mayo? No, that disgusts me. Really? You're a trash. And it goes bad quick, too.

Chicken salad salad tuna salad None of that egg salad no coleslaw. Yes. There you go. I love it in every hole Sarges has a good coleslaw, but it's a vinegar slaw. Is this a show or a love letter to Sarges? I'm trying to promote a special Is this a show or a love letter to sorgas? I'm trying to promote a special here. I'm trying to make a connection with you. No, I thought... Hot Cross Buns, baby, on Netflix. I thought we made a great connection.

I think that's awesome. I mean, like, let's face it, if you ever saw me on the street and I needed a meal, you'd know exactly what I want. What I don't want. Get him the powdered soup, quick. Back to those fries. What do you think of... I'm going to do it too quick. Back to those fries. What do you think of um uh let's see what's another Philly thing that you guys have um what's

another thing besides fries that you do there? What's soft pretzel? Soft pretzel is great. Yeah. Oh my god. You never buy it at a Wawa, right? Or you don't? Yeah, of course. They're good. I will. I thought it was just for the tourists. I

thought you guys know it. It kinda is. Yeah. It's's a little you know, it's not the super local thing. So what do you think of our terrible pretzels here? Do they even sell them anymore? Yeah, they do. You don't see them that often. That whole scene up here has gone down back in the you remember some brett's right? So brett's hot dogs.

Yeah, I do. The yellow and the blue. Those stands used to have some brett's hot dogs. They made them in New Jersey. They were unbelievable. Now they just have the umbrellas. those the pretzels. It's all I mean, there's a few around I will say that New York pretzels. I don't even know what we're going for Yeah, but your pretzels are so great. So why it's only a couple hundred miles away. Why don't you take over here?

I've never understood that it's how do you guys make them like will you tell us or not? I don't have the recipe about it all fair Secrets here, and there's some other oh then the tasty cake tasty cake now What's your favorite tasty cake the peanut butter? Tandy cake? Yeah the candy at the double Brown sir chocolate circles. Yes. Yeah, that's a good one. I like the pies too, but that's a real fat kid thing That's all right. What's yours? Do you like a sweet? I love a good one. I like the pies too, but that's a real fat kid thing. That's all right. What's yours? And do you like a sweet? I love a good sweet. You do chocolate. I mean you're a donut man, too I liked it. We bumped into I remember in Austin. That's right. I want to buy donuts

Yeah, it was me and was Jeff with me cuz Jeff and I we we stayed all these don't You you and Ian. Yeah, okay Yeah, but that I'm telling you these, you remember like Zombie Donut or Voodoo Donut and all these different places? Like we went to the original in Portland. Have you guys been out there? Yeah. That's another great helium club.

Yeah, we've been to Portland. But like, you know, we were out there, we're like, what can we do now? So we went to this thing. It's in this very clubby neighborhood. It's actually, it kind of was said, it's kind of runaway, it's run by runaways. That's what I thought. There's a lot of kids with one name like, you know, Elias and like, you know, Joshua.

And they're like living there 24 hours because it's supposed to be open late. But I felt like their donuts kind of like played out a little bit. Crispy Cream seems to have rocked it out. But I like a good Entenmann's. I'm from New York. I'm from Long Island where Entenmann's is from.

And they're, whatchamacallit, the chocolate chip cookies are great Yeah, and then actually their donuts with the weird, you know that thing that they do there a little crumb on top I love that cookie crumb rich frosted chocolates really good. I love it. And you know what? That's really what it's at And they also have a really good What's the other thing there brownie? I mean like so they're doing they're doing all right But I'd say tasty cake Tasty K kinda is equal. It's close, yeah, it's about the same.

When you are on the road, are you doing any fast food? Are you doing all of it? All of it, yeah. Because there's nothing else open. I know, it's brutal. Do you have a favorite? I take the locals out. I mean, I take the openers and my guys out.

We're always looking for, because I'll take them to whatever's open. It doesn't matter if it's a good restaurant, better. But it usually is like either Taco Bell or Even worse, you know like a local version of that. We eat a lot of like it seems like Tex-Mex is open late sure What else is like, you know, I always buy pizza for the staff or usually I do like you always bring candy to every candy Yes. Yeah. Yeah can always tell him is very generous man very generous

Yeah, that's well, you know all I was gonna say is like I used to work at a club So I kind of know how it is there and like how like it's a make or break like, you know You're hoping to make money, you know, it's like we're the ones living a dream. They're the ones doing a real job So even when I was hosting at New York Comedy Club when I found out that you did that When I was coming up hosting a New York Comedy Club on Friday and Saturday night I would always grab a few bags of gummy bears for the for the that's nice I just thought we could because I'll for your example. He need them on the way to the club It's all right half a bag and lick the bag

Sorry ladies, but you know these young kids they like the sour candies love the sour candy You know the sour candy not as much. What was your favorite candy bar growing up? Mmm, that's a tough one. The Clark bar, not the Clark bar, but they have like the ones with the peanuts in it. You know what I'm talking about? It's not a Snickers, but it's really flat. Payday? No, I think Mr. Goodbar? It's something like that. Hershey's with almonds. Whatever it is, but I love that one. But I also just straight Wait, whatever Hershey with almonds whatever it is, but I love that one, but I also Just straight the chocolate kisses. I think are really good to your kisses, man But I'm so I'm so old and you know I have to watch all that kind of sugar and all of course

So I can't eat any of it So I kind of get off by watching other people enjoy it. I'm saying Clark bar was alright not bad. How about you, man? I'm curious. I like to score bar when I was a young man I don't know what that is. Score bar? Like a Heath bar. It was like a Heath bar. Oh, there you go. Toffee. Okay.

Yeah, Snickers right up the middle. Mm. Love a Milky Way. Toffee as a kid is weird. And what do you think of Rolos? Do you think that really is... They suck. Do we need it?

Yeah, we need it. That was for rich kids. I never understood it. The foil always fell apart, too. Yeah, and then, you know, it somehow melted before it got where it was supposed to. Yeah, it was no good. Yeah. When you do travel... Yeah, it was no good. Yeah.

When you do travel, a few cues here. Are you flying up front or in the back of the plane? Where do you like to go? I don't care about any of that. I don't have any of that stuff set up anyhow with the miles and all that kind of stuff. You don't have miles? I really don't care about it. Or at least my travel person doesn't.

I don't really know how to book a flight anymore. Like I have people help me out Uh-huh and to be honest. I probably should do that, but I'd rather sit like Anything but a middle seat and if I am sitting in first class if you guys get on a plane go this guy from the pocket It's because they bumped me up because I you know paid so much for the last flight But I will only get bumped up on the most You know paid so much for the last flight, but I will only get bumped up on the most On the smallest flights anyhow like 32 minutes like the ball loaded Yeah, and I love that how like you know look at how impressed are they gonna be in Buffalo here? I am first class King of town. Yeah, look at this guy, and you do an aisle or you do window

Well, I used to do the window You know but now I think because of my prostate The aisle is probably better for everybody you like them and will you bring food on the plane with you? We bring a snack or anything. I always bring because I know I might get trapped on the plane Which is a smokers our biggest fear. You're hours and hours on a plane. You can't can't smoke. So I always bring gums and all that kind of stuff and Snacks, you know, okay and but I try not to eat or anything, you know? Will you take your shoes off on the plane? No, I would never do that.

Okay. No, I would never do that. It's real, I would never do that. You're probably going, what if we ditch in the ocean? And here you are bogged down. You got your heavy waterlogged shoes on, Dave. Yeah, good luck, buddy. Those boots look like they hold a lot of water.

Yeah, there you go. Will you sleep on the plane? Will you fall asleep? I used to, but I snore and you can't do that anymore. When I was back when I was a drunk, I used to be the best plane sleeper. I'd be like, ah, this is so great, I'm alive. And then I'd fall asleep

and then there'd always be the shaking. Are you all right, sir? Are you okay? But the best sleep I ever had on a plane, if you really must know, was sound. When I was doing the USO tour we were on a C-130 plane going from one place to another and it's so loud in there I'm like finally no one's gonna hear me snoring I'm laying on one of their racks or whatever it is I'm snoring

it up but I bet you they all heard me but it was still like the engine like it was great. Do you use anything like that when you fall asleep at night? Do you have a white noise machine or anything? Fill in your own joke. No I I don't. I have, I like, I like air on me. So that's tough in hotels. I don't know if your, your fans agree with me, but like something happened during the pandemic where every air conditioner in every hotel doesn't really work anymore. You're not wrong. Yeah. It's either way loud or it smells. It doesn't get cold or something. Yeah. Something's happening there. It's like, like clinking or something. Yeah, and then you get the guy come up and when when he comes up, it's it's fine You know, it's kind of like one of those. Yeah

Yeah, so I would say I always like air on me give a fan on you when you sleep at the house Mmm, sometimes ceiling fan or regular fan. Mmm. That's a tough one. Let me see. Oh, right. It's kind of a side fan And do you have a do you have a hotel chain that you like you see you don't stick with the hotel chain That's a tough one. Let me see. Oh, right. It's kind of a side fan. Yeah, okay himself there And do you have a do you have a hotel chain that you like? Do you see you don't stick with the hotel chain is just kind of wherever you land. That's between me and China Do I like one I like any hotel with the laundry in it so I can do my laundry no kidding Yeah, that's real road. Okay, buddy. Yeah, all's been really un-run. So you're there for the weekend. No, like when I'm on a run, you know, it's great when they have a laundry there,

because then you're like, cool, like whatchamacallit, like Comfort Inn or something like that, or suites, embassies, where they have that laundry there. You won't send it out, you'll do it yourself. Yeah, I'll do it, yeah. I got nothing else to do. Do you send it out, though?

I will if I have to, but I'd rather just do it. Okay. I got nothing else to do. Do you send it out though? I will if I have to but I'd rather just do it so that you know I got the laundry. It also is a great time killer you know. Sure. And you know what can I tell you? Will you swim at the pool at a hotel? I'll do the outdoor never the indoor but I'll do the outdoor. You'll jump in. Hop in the jacuzzi? No I usually just sit on the handicap lowering like a lifeguard. No I've never done that but uh, there's some hotels especially West Coast We're like you gotta get in that pool. It's so nice, you know, sure and Last time I was out in LA. I went swimming in the rain. So that was fun to do. Yeah, okay

You like a sauna you like a schvitz? I used to do that and they used to have a lot of that in the East Village Yeah, we still want a really good one the Turkish bath, but I I think you know I know a lot of people that swear by the hot and then cold and then the beating with it with the birch branch So I think that's a great health you guys should do that like maybe have a podcast like that Fig leaves or whatever yeah, sure, huh? Yeah, you still have a DVD collection. collection yeah mostly old retro porn though really yeah okay and you know I did you have a DVD player do you ever pop them in and no I haven't in a while but I at one point had the according to you know when I did Dave's old porn on show time and we had to get all the old vintage porn so I had a buy it from the guy to actually use in

the show. Really? And one time he said, I don't know how you did it, but you have the biggest retro porn collection this side of the Mississippi. And it always hit me like, wow. I'm really, really doing it. I'm like, who's the guy on the other side?

Maybe we should meet and shake hands. Who's the freak out west? Yeah. I want to know. Creeping at the highest level. Yeah, but like, what kind of DVDs do you guys have? I don't think I have any. I have a handful laying around that have been in a shoebox that like every time I move it Makes the move with me, but that's it

See I never knew that like this collecting thing would be so big because I had some that were like unopened like just pure Whatever is perfect. Mm-hmm, and I was like, you know, whatever, you know Yeah, but those are the ones that people want to buy and stuff like that You know, so resale whatever it is collectors. Are you flossing every day? I do but I just I'm coming off my second root canal. So okay, you said a root canal Yeah, so you go to the dentist what side of the mouth? I mean, come on do you do you gotta have a fight? Yeah, I'm gonna guess back back left molar. Thank you pretty good. Yeah, and Yeah, I'll tell you one thing, you know putting a tooth down, it's not like putting a dog.

Sure. But no one ever talks about that. Do you brush your teeth in the shower? I don't. Do you pee in the shower? Not in my shower. No, I'm a good house guest. I don't do any of that. I mean maybe

that is a Philly thing you want your team to do well you take a good pee in the shower right? But in New York as we all know everything is peeable on. Of course. If it's outside you can pee on it. Who would you say I mean street life let's just keep it very open. Sure. Compared to Philly to New York where do you guys honestly it's both aren't doing great at the moment taking a turn for the worst obviously I think some real strong congregated areas in Philadelphia yeah it's very certain parts are very dense the Kensington's and some of the well but so is here though as well I go by party it's when you go to the Wawa next to the

What is it called Liberty Hall? There's some Gentlemen there who are not reenactors. So these are not reenactors. Okay guys It's a little dicey. Yes, I can't believe the no points thing or the no miles thing with how much you travel I mean and you know traveling for 30 You're racking them up regardless. I don't know what to tell you guys. I keep dreaming of light rail, of a better way to go. I hate flying now. I really do.

And I've taken some long flights, and I have to tell you that the worst part of our job is the travel. It just is. Yes, it's a lot. Last year, and I'm going to, I know a lot of guys who were on the road They were like this has been the worst year ever of travel and now you see what's going on with the equipment

You know as they say with the planes, all that kind of stuff. It's like this is really This is really too much. You know so I think of anything if anything brings you down. It's the travel. You know. Yeah, it's the You know talking about the food on the road all that kind of stuff that I can always live with it's just the getting to The gig that really always takes out of you. Yeah, that stuff lately has been going How long have you guys like what was the longest you ever had a drive to a gig? You're from Philly. So you probably know it now. This is on I think on the last tour We have like a five or six hour hour. I think we were going like Austin

We do a lot of one-nighter, so we'll do like Wednesday Friday City We do yeah, well Oklahoma no offense But you know and that Oklahoma City Club Tulsa really great places another place incredibly hard to get to yeah It's very hard to get there so many connecting flights. There's only a few direct flights So yeah, then you have to drive in between I mean I played a bunch of casinos out that way And it's always like oh now you have to drive five hours again back to the airport yeah it's tough and are you driving well what is the closest well I guess for you now what is the furthest gig you will drive to because you're driving right drive

some of them but I'm on the plane pretty much you know twice a month I mean twice are you driving or to somebody else drive I'll bring guys who will drive they won't let me drive the guys that I usually go with okay is it your car though it's my car what are you whipping around in if you don't mind? I'm not allowed to say but I okay. I don't own you don't own you. What do you think of that leasing? I'm big fan of it. I'm leasing right now my family always least Yeah, I'm a lease man as well get a new car every three years you park on the street Yeah, I put mine in a garage cuz it got stolen

We're in Philly. No, not here. Oh, right now I have it in a garage next to my apartment, but I will park it on the street if I have to. All right. Yeah. Whoa. No one's forcing you to do anything here tonight. Do you keep it in the garage? Yeah, I keep it in the garage now. And I'm not a car guy like Seinfeld is known as a car guy.

Leno is a big car guy. I'm not a car guy. You know, I just wanted to a car guy. Leno is a big car guy. I'm not a car guy, you know, I just wanted to be like low maintenance because I really don't know much about cars. I remember once my dad, I was like, can you teach me how to change a tire? And he brought me through like five friends who had died changing tires, like, you know, whatever,

and he didn't put the thing right, and then now he's paralyzed and all that kind of stuff. So it was always like very terrifying changing a tire, you know what I'm saying? Were you eating the car? Were you, car. We you know, I eat I smoke smoke in there. I've I've Whatever cleanse myself in there. I you know, we've all been in the car with the guy who's a real road comic You know, there's a lot of stuff going on. There are a lot of weird shit going on in that car Yeah, so no qualms about bringing the car back when the lease is up with smelling like heaters No, I don't care because if I have to pay extra I'll do it

But I won't smoke in a hotel room. Okay that if they won't let me do it I smoke in front of the hotel room all night long. Sure. Yeah, are you smoking? Are you smoking in the apartment? You're in your yes in New York. Yeah, I do you smoke inside. I own a place. So there you go. There you go Hey, yeah in New York. That's that's that's that that's what we're all trying to do here is there own something here Do you ever do any vacations now on your own you know anywhere? I have no desire to go and never go down to Florida or anything like that sit by the beach Nothing if I get on a plane when I get off I want to make some money. Okay. Yeah, it's old school, baby I'm like a sugar, baby

He better have some money when I get there. What about Europe? I've been there. I didn't think much of it. But no, I'm into history and everything like that. And that would be a cool thing to go and then take trips around and stuff like that. But I have to say, when I went, that was before the comedy

boom. So a lot of people didn't even understand what comedy was. They were like, this is it. This is what you guys consider entertainment. Now it's so cool to like comedy, but back then we had some rough shows, especially overseas. But the USO shows I've done, they were pretty good because those guys missed the US, so they were into it. They were really excited for it.

Exactly. I mean... It was me and the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, who by the way are real into they're into like doing these things Because like the players can but they but they can so they are out there like, you know Whooping it up. Yeah, you're hung out to Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders. I saw them at the event Yeah Go ahead, buddy. Will you dance at a wedding?

Will I dance at a wedding? Will I dance at a wedding? Mm-hmm? You mean alone like that kind of dancing or we like when everybody's dancing I'd like to think that I would could slow dance with somebody but when everybody gets up there It would have to be really packed for me to feel comfortable Okay, and the lights out and the lights are out plus. I have a bad knee. Oh, yeah, what happens there? Do you do you do you own any suits or yeah suit jackets mostly? And the lights are out, plus I have a bad knee. Oh. Yeah, what happens there? Do you own any suits? Yeah, suit jackets mostly.

But when I had to have a day job, I had suits. OK. Like when I was in temp and stuff like that. Can you tie a tie? You know how to tie a tie? I do, yes. OK. I could tie it on you if you'd like me to do it.

I like it. That'd be a great one to go prove it. What are you watching on TV? You have a TV show you like at the moment? I don't know guys. Are you just writing all day? You're smoking and writing? No, of course not. Everyone's always like, do you write all day?

No. What's filling the day? You wake up. All right, well I'll tell you if you give me a second. I get up. No, I- You have nothing to eat? No, yeah, I'll tell you if you give me a second. I get up. No, I have nothing to eat. No, yeah, I don't. All coffee and cigarettes.

And I check all what I have to do, the news. And I'm a big news guy, so I do that. And then the ideas I have. And then if I'm being really good as a comic, I'll listen to the tape from the night before and see if the jokes are working. So that's the job of comedy. And I saw it. What are you recording on an iPhone because you have

a I used to have I used to have the real tape recorder yeah and there was like I remember it was always like you know where you'd be like oh man I suck and you throw it against the wall and then would have a rubber band on it and this thing really was being battered like it was like oh, oh my God, the abuse this thing took. But those were great because the recording, you have to listen to it. Because if you want to record over it, you know, you got to listen to it.

So it would force you, now you can bank like decades worth of tapes and never listen to them. So, but that was a good one. It's like, oh man, I want to record this. So I better listen to this. So that to me was always a big part of comedy where you listen to the tape and then you can see like where the jokes are, where they aren't all that kind of stuff. of comedy, where you listen to the tape, and then you can see where the jokes are,

where they aren't, all that kind of stuff. It's hard to listen to yourself. It's brutal. It's brutal. It's very hard to get out of the fantasy. Even when it goes well, it did go well, and you went, oh man, I thought I was, I suck. Oh, it's terrible. Yeah, and then like- I hate the sound of my voice.

Where you put your tape, you can hear the whispers of the other comics, or just like somebody's like- He's still doing that thing. He sucks, you know, that kind of the other comics or like just like somebody's doing socks You know that kind of thing so Yeah tons of that But I would say the shows that I was watching the one that I'm watching that Masters of the air Have you seen that? Yeah, okay. It's about the money. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, it's on Apple TV, right? Yeah, and

Then I'm watching Shogun. started watching Shogun which is pretty good and comedy wise I really I think I'm behind the times on a lot of these comedy shows I really don't like sketch or sitcoms that much but I watched Rick and Morty and South Park all those shows okay do you read it all I'm a reader but I can't do it lately because I can't remember what I read fiction or nonfiction I'm a non, but I can't do it lately because I can't remember what I read so fiction or nonfiction I'm a nonfiction only guy you're nonfiction only biopic man. I saw the new Napoleon movie. Okay. I was a yawn Yeah, didn't like it did not like it. I love all the actors in it I felt like it was like a movie waiting to start gotcha okay, so that was my review on that

Napoleon So that was my review on that Napoleon Huh, I mean I know whatever uses that this guy's a real Napoleon no one ever really uses him He was the tyrant too, you know, yeah, that's true Yeah, yeah, I mean look at him. I like a good documentary on Napoleon. He really stirred things up man Took a while to take him down. Are you really saying that or no to when the movie came out? I got it. I got excited about him and I researched, you know, I love like a good History Channel documentary. I love the History Channel.

Ah, man, they used to crank the Men Who Made America. Oh, that's a great one. That's a great one. That's all hate speech systemic now. Don't even look at it anymore. Get it out of your mind. What are you thinking, Kip? I mean, I don't know.

It's a tough read. I mean, if I'm cold. Are we done with the questioning? Do you want me to step out? Laughter Dave, give us a minute, please. Man, I hope I'm the new sidekick. Laughter

You're hired. Listen. Have you ever been ghost hunting? Yes. Have you? Have I stayed in a ghost hotel too? Really? Yes.

Do you believe in ghosts? Yes. You do. I believe in that and UFOs. Have you ever seen a UFO? No, I've never seen a UFO, but I have seen ghosts. Or I've been in the presence of evil. Yes, I have. Oh, that's just that just shook me to the core.

I didn't like that at all. The presence of evil. Yes. Do you want to tell us that? I've lived in a haunted apartment. In New York? Yeah. And what's we call it in the in the 20s. And it was like it was during the hot the height of like of our party and we'd all be in my fucking place partying it up and then There'd be a lamp moving some shit like that and just crazy shit going on there was not the blow

It was not the booze. It was none of that. It was really happening and you stay and you stayed in the apartment You didn't leave you is it like in New York you have choices like yeah That was the place I could afford and it was my apartment it was roaches or ghosts it was and then I see another place with mice too that was like adorable almost the mice crawling around everywhere but this place was haunted stayed in haunted hotels Austin is full of these haunted hotels as well yeah I did one in Pennsylvania scared there we did it together on a road where they Pennsylvania Dutch they were just turning but you could smell the eyes

Is the apartment that you're talking about where you where you felt the presence of evil? Yeah, well no that's not true that they were not Bad spirits okay was out in Idaho. That's where I could feel the evil in the Eidenhowe hotels you know about this place no I think I'm sure are you choosing to stay at these places? No, the... It's always something weird who'll put you up there like, I thought you guys would like to stay in a hotel, you know, like your wacky, weird guys. And it's like, I immediately, within two nights, I'm like,

I'm going over to like, the Red Roof Inn. You know, I wanna see my evil. You know? I don't wanna feel it about me. But it was like, terrible people crying in the lobby I'm gonna say this. I think he's classy. He's pretty good. I'm not Damn it. I forgot about that part of the show. I'm telling you there's not really even with the miles the miles thing I mean, I don't know you're above You're above that not that you don't care about the first class. You don't, you're throwing your miles away.

I mean, you're like a philanthropist at this point. Damn it. You're a good guy. You're, you know, you're, you know, the food stuff. All right. I really wanted to be garbage. The medium, the medium. You look at for sure.

I mean, you read garbage. That's what I thought. I thought it was the medium well burger. That's one thing. Oh, damn it. I forgot. I mean, but you like Ent well burger. That's one thing. Oh damn it. I forgot I mean, but you like Entomans That's all class. I mean, yeah, that was a little that was a little fruity. I shouldn't have that's what I dropped my wall I started trusting you guys. There's not much a big cold glass of milk. Are we calling this right?

He's the classiest guy in two hats I want a recount. Damn it. Classiest guy with a flip phone. Now, what does the classiest guy do? What does he get? A fingering with a glove? You put on one of those long gloves. The opera is about to start.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. David Tell, the special is Hot Cross Buns. It is out on Netflix right now. Do yourself a favor, get over there and check it out. One of the best ever. Yeah. Can I tell you guys, I've had so much fun and honestly, your audience, honestly, I've seen them out and we've talked about your show after the show.

I usually meet people and they are on the mark with comedy and that's thanks to you guys. So thank you to the fans. Thank you buddy. To you fellas, my man behind the monitor. Thanks.'s thanks to you guys. So thank you to the fans. Thank you buddy. My man behind the monitor. That's your new name. Well now this classy, this guy classy is gonna be smoking a cigarette out on the balcony.

He's itching for a heater. Old school Hollywood, let's go wrap it up. Learn that from Carson. Hit me with this. He's got the cue card in his hands. Kibbe, what do you got for him? Let's go wrap it up. Learn that from Carson. He's got the cue card in his hands. Kibbe, what do you got for him? Guys, we are the 2024 tour is starting. All tickets available at RUgarbage.com. First run is Charlotte, Nashville, Atlanta and Tampa.

Get those tickets. Want to see out there. Hot Cross Buns. David Tell. Check it out on Netflix. We love you. We'll see you next week. Peace.