Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Francis Ellis: Harvard Man

Episode Date: October 26, 2020

Kippy and Foley are back with a hot one featuring Francis Ellis. Francis talks going to Harvard, having a little bit of cash, and skiing. You know Francis Ellis from Barstool Sports, Brobile, and ad host of Oops Podcast! Originally Aired on www.GasdigitalNetwork.com on October 20th, 2020 Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Hey gang, it's your old pals, Uncle Hank and Kippy. Just wanna thank you for tuning in to R U Garbage. Yeah guys, make sure you subscribe. That way you get the episode as they come out and you can also go to gasdigitalnetwork.com, use promo code AYG to get bonus content and get the episodes before they come out and HD streaming. Do it.

Yeah. Welcome to another exciting edition of R U Garbage. The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Baby, hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast.

This is R U Garbage, the show where we sit down with your favorite comedians and find out if they grow up classy or if they're absolute trash. I'm your host H Foley coming at you on a beautiful day here in the East Village of Manhattan. Here at Gas Digital Networks, Gas Digital Studios, the big fucking studio.

My co-host coming at you from right next to me. He's my best buddy in the whole world and if I don't tell you enough, I love you, kid. Gang, do me a favor. No, it makes me feel weird. The next time you're reaching for a best pal, you go ahead and make it a Kippy and now with the holiday season, the Halloween season,

you can get him in a fun size. Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin James Ryan, everybody. Unfortunately, I'm fun size all year round. Happy to be here. Thanks for tuning in. I talked to my wife. Not the kid over here, I'll tell you that. Kid's got a hog on him.

Guys, make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube. This one's already goofy. Full video available on YouTube and you can sign up for Gas Digital Network. You get all the perks from the network. If you use promo code AYG, you save a couple of bucks. We make a couple of bucks.

We get to win our beak at the end of the month. Love that money. Win for everybody. Check it out. Very nice. We cannot be more excited to have our very special guest here with us today. I am rock hard.

I'm gonna say that right now. I feel like he is the opposite of everything that I am. He's tall, he's attractive. This has been one people requested, like you gotta get him on. Gillis, KFC, they've all been like, cause he's gonna throw you through a loop. So we're not sure what they expected.

He seems like he's got a bit of an attitude too and I kinda like that. He would not talk to me at a country club. I know that. Yeah, cause you get fussing tables. If I was waiting tables for him, he would not make eye contact with me. No, he's a sweetheart.

And I respect that. There's really no country club I would join that would hire you. I don't know what else to say. That kid's hot. I just don't see working somewhere that I belong to. I don't. If they did hire you, he would switch places for sure.

Ladies and gentlemen, he's a very funny standup comedian, actor and a writer. All right, he is the host of Oops the podcast. He has his very own comedy special out right now called Bad Guy. He's a fucking tall drink of water. Let me tell you, this guy's an Avenger. Give it up for Francis Ellis, everybody.

Hey. Thank you for having me. Holy cow. You have to be. There's no way this guy's garbage. Nah, he's clay. You're class throwing through. Oh, I've got some skeletons.

Maybe you and your fraternity brothers killed a homeless guy once, but I don't even know if I would call that garbage. That's a good time. It's just rich kids being rich kids. Yeah, we didn't have fraternities at my school. Where'd you go to school? I went to Harvard.

Oh. Satellite or Maine? Was it Harvard, Altoona? What one was it? Yeah, it was their primary, not an offshoot. You went to Harvard? I did, yeah. Holy shit.

What'd you study at Harvard? Who killed Kennedy? I studied government with a focus on the Middle East. Wow. Yeah. So he could be, could be an agent. That's what I wanted to do. Could be working deep cover.

Really? Deskline operations? Applying to the NSA and the CIA. Wow. Didn't hear back. Really? Maybe I missed it. That's the thing.

It could have been like I didn't read the soot in the chimney. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's not like a writing packet. You got a couple of monologue jokes. Three desk pieces, so you can get hired by the CIA. Yeah, what's that application like?

It's really long and it's a little intense because they ask you things like, and I do sort of a bit about it, but they ask you, have you ever done any illegal narcotics? And then they remind you at the bottom of the page that all your answers can be verified via polygraph test. That they're gonna confirm everything you have to answer.

You know, and you're like, whoa, this is. That's a lot. Yeah. I bet they wouldn't care if you smoked a little doobie. They want you to have a little street smart. Yeah, by that time I was a little deeper. It wasn't a little doobie here and there. I think it was a little Colombian band.

I wasn't experimenting. I was doing at this point. All right, so now we got a little checkered past. I like to hear that. Good looking, end damage. That's what I'm going for. Holy shit, Harvard. You were a cross player too.

What? All American or something? In high school I was an American. Really? This kid comes from good fucking stock. Did you play the cross at Harvard? I did. Holy shit, full scholarship?

So the Ivy's don't offer athletic scholarships. They do need based only. Where were you offered scholarships? Well, I had a few. I wouldn't say they were scholarship offers because I don't think you get a scholarship offer until you've said, yeah, I want to come to your school. But I- Who's recruiting you?

A lot of Duke, Johns Hopkins. See how he says that? Albany, all the Ivy's. You brag about Weidner University. Yeah, I played a little Division III La Crosse. Nice, nice, that's the one with that. Nice, that's good, you're a good little kid. Good shit, that's what that was.

Hey, Faddy, go give yourself a candy bar, will you? Well, I went to this camp. There was a camp my junior summer called the Nike Blue, back then it was the Graftex Blue Chip Camp. He sounds like Illuminati, doesn't he? That's what Tim Dillon says. He texts me and asks me when my grandparents are taking over, stuff like that.

But there was this camp and it was the top 100 players in the country and I went to that. I got invited to go to that. And then I was one of the people that had slightly better SAT scores and all the coaches have their little, they have their folder on you. And when they see you out in the field wearing the number,

they look up the number, they're like, I like this kid. They look him up, they got your height and your weight. And then your grade point average and your SAT scores and all that right there. And they're like, well, I can either continue to look at this kid or not. And Brown and Harvard and Princeton have to basically close the book on a lot of kids.

But for me, they were like, oh, we can work with that. Nice, we're gonna ask you anyway, but we might as well ask you now, what did you get on the SATs? I took the ones that were three sections. Do you guys remember that? Yeah, that switched after, so how old are you, like 30? I'm 31, yeah.

Okay, yeah, so it switched right after me, I'm 34. Okay, yeah, so you were like one of the last years. I was one of the last years to have the regular. 16, but now it's back to 16. 16, they moved back to 16. So yours was out of what, 26? I was out of 24. So what'd you get?

I got a, I think a 2280. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Dude, that's three times what you got on the one out of 1600. Who is this fucking guy? Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I ended up, that was, I tutored the SAT when I moved to New York and was doing standup

for the first like five, six years that I was here. So that was my gig. That's a pretty good gig. It was a good gig. A decent hours, good cash. I knew a kid that was iconic, he was real book smart too, but like his day job was so much more like, I'm, you know, I'm waiting tables, plus the tables.

He was doing that. He was like teaching kids like LSAT, like a tutor. That's a whole new ball game. I did, I took the LSAT, but it was way harder. Why'd you take the LSAT? I thought I had a free day. After two years of standup and being in the mics, which were getting drearier and drearier,

I just was like, I've given it a shot. This is crushing me. And I thought I needed to get real. So I decided I should go to law school. I went for four days and withdrew because I was like, this isn't what I want at all. And then I doubled down on tutoring and comedy. And that's when things started actually

getting a little better. You must've been going around to the New York Hope when Mike's looking around at those people like they're fucking mutants. Dude, you guys know, I mean, it was, it was a race to the bottom. Oh man. It's depressing. Every night you come in

you're only performing for other comedians. So it's a contest to see who can tell the saddest story. And if you get up, and first of all, I would get up and everyone fucking hated me. Right away, right off, right from the jump. Happy. You're the antithesis of everybody at a New York comedy open mic.

And so then all these comics, if I ever went early in the show, which was rare, because I couldn't get there in time to sign up early, I would go towards the, if I ever went early, every comic after me would just talk about me. That fucking guy's talked about whatever. And it would be like, it'd be like four comics later

and you're like, we're still on this, you know? What's happening here? That's why they're still all in those basements. A lot of those guys never, Hey, that's the price of beauty, buddy. I don't know what you're talking about. A lot of those guys never get out. I sound like an asshole, but it's true.

Just like how many, you know, Nazi youth jokes can you hear? You know, it was always the same fucking, What was the situation growing up? I'm certainly humble beginnings. Well, my parents are from New Jersey originally. That's where I lived until I was four. Okay. Like Atlantic Highlands area, which isn't too far from here.

I don't know. I don't know. Middletown. I don't know, that sounds expensive. Okay, I know Middletown. I know Highlands. I was in the, I was in the Norristown Lowlands. What the fuck? I'm sorry, I'm just filling. Flood region, it's below sea level.

Sounds like a place that the gnomes abide. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like it's a Middle Earth tier. His house was just a door and a hill. A lot of mist. A lot of mist that way. A lot of dew, yeah. A lot of dew in the morning. A lot of doors with big knockers on them.

Fog in the evenings and built into hillside. Hello sir. So. Gentlemen. We moved to Maine when I was four. Maine. And I grew up. Where at Maine? Freeport, Maine. Okay. Close to Portland.

It's like 20 minutes north. So, down east they call it. And what did your parents do? What was that situation? My dad moved to Maine and started a small software company up there. Okay. When I was four. It's called Microsoft.

No, he started it. He had met a programmer that had an idea and he thought, my dad thought he could kind of conceptualize and build off this idea. But the programmer was the guy who'd gone to the University of Maine. You know, they have an engineering school. He's really gone there.

Okay. It was a software company that was going to connect. I don't mean to get boring, but like. No, what do you mean? I want to hear this. To be honest with you, I don't really know exactly what it was. He was trying to get out.

He's like, there's a thing with the rats. Oh, it's all ones and zeros. Really, think about it. To the CIA point, my dad traveled a lot when I was a kid and I could never really understood what it was that he did. There was a serious time in my youth where I actually just assumed he was in the CIA.

And I'm dead serious about that. That's like good shepherd kind of shit. And I wouldn't ask him. There was never, you could have never mistaken my dad to be in the CIA. Strip club, maybe, but not a CIA. County jail. A lot of al-Qaeda down at Nick's Rose beef, I think.

What is your dad actually do? My dad owned a mechanical contracting company. He made, my dad made a very good living. Lost it a couple of times, but there was money growing up. Redemption story, I like that. I think he's down now. But I'm trying to get to,

what did your dad's dad do? Like there has to be a lineage here. I mean, you know, it's weird, dude. I would say this. There's no way this DNA just pops up in one generation. This is what we were actually just talking about last episode with just like, my family got money, first generation got money.

And they're savages, they don't know how to spend it. They still do it like, as you have it for generations, you become more and more refined. And that's what you look more refined. Yeah, but retaining wealth over generations is very difficult. Very difficult, yes.

It's that saying of like. That's a rich guy thing to say right there. Retaining, wow. The patriarch, you know, starts the company, his son builds, and then the third generation spends it. It fucking blows it all, yeah. Is what I've heard. My family, it's gonna sound ridiculous.

And I want you to bear with me on this. We're in, baby. So my mom's dad, my mom went to Princeton, but she was in the first class of women at Princeton. And had to just basically get sexually hurt. I mean, sexually harassed on a level where you're like, even, even. Crange worthy.

Doing a bit, you wouldn't even be like, ooh. You couldn't bend to be like, that's funny in any way. I can see that being funny. She had a rough time. Yeah, but crushed it and was whatever, did well. And then her dad went to Princeton, his dad went to Princeton. It was six direct generations.

I had Princeton through my mom. And then my sister went to Yale. But she was a lacrosse player too. So she was also recruited. And that just helps. It makes it a lot easier to get into these schools. Sure, it's open. Yeah.

And then my dad went to Amherst College, which is like a little liberal arts school in Massachusetts. Right. But his dad ran on like a plant, a plant, an industrial plant in New Jersey. Okay. Didn't really do that well. My dad started this new company.

It didn't do well for 15 years. Okay. And then it started doing well. And then he sold it like five years ago. All right. So you guys weren't rich growing up? We were fine. I hate to say this.

I would say upper middle class. Okay. I hate to say that, because I know that's such a douchey fucking. Especially in the. Fucking great. It's about time we got a little fucking class in it. Well, I'm sitting right here.

What are you talking about? Not talking about your dad's joint fitter money. This guy's six generations. Hey, he was skimming off the top. Six generations, Princeton. His mom went to school with fucking John Nash. What are you talking about? You know who she was roommates with?

Who? Lisa Hallaby, who was. He's dropping rich guy names on. You'll know that. I'm like, is that the broad that lived down on Third Street? She became, she married the king. If they don't do one of the voices for Rick and Morty. The king of Jordan.

Oh my God. I know who you're talking about. See, I knew you would. There you go. I've seen her in the People magazine. She's stunning. She's stunning. She's like, yeah.

So she became Queen Noor of Jordan. You guys ever get to hook up to go over there? It's better than at the castle? So she's my sister's godmother. What the fuck? So you're talking about your HVAC money. Do me a favor, go check out the cars. We still owe some of the local unions a little bit of cash.

Shout out to 690. This guy's going to the presidential palace in Jordan. That's right. And I think it's in Acaba, is the name of the city. God bless you. Yeah. It's lovely in the fall. I never went to Jordan, but I went to their house in England.

They have like an estate in England. An apartment or like, what is it? It's huge. Okay. It's sprawling in there. It's not a flat, yeah. No roommates, I would imagine. They do.

They do the proper, like those castles and shit, like those estates in England are fucking. They really, that's old. They really do it well, yeah. Sure do. Damn. Pretty classy. I think they Airbnb that thing.

Let's get into a little RU garbage. So we're looking at upper middle class in Maine. I guess we'll lead off with it. I got one that we were just talking about. At what age, this is a big one. This is, obviously you are not going, it's impossible. I want to see if I can sell you that I am. Excellent.

I love it. I don't think. Deep seated. Okay. Nefarious drug history. Problems in my core. Oh, I like it. The way he just said that made me fucking shake.

Riddled with poison. Oh, he could be, he could go psycho easy. Yeah, this guy could list guys hang on by his thread. Oh baby. At what age did you get your passport? My passport. Great question. Because he doesn't have one and he's 45 years old.

There ain't nothing I need out there. I can't get in the good old US of A. But, you know, you know, classy kid. I got mine pretty young, but like I had friends that were like, you know, 11 with a passport. So I'm like, geez. Yeah. They go to like the DR or something like that.

Nah, they were traveling. What about you? I mean, I would have been, I would have been like, probably like six, maybe even five. What was a typical family vacation? That just blew your mind. Well, we went to Florida a lot when I was a kid. Okay.

That was like where we were. Like Disney or just like, Panama City or something. Like shitty, shitty places in Florida. Okay. What was the first time he traveled to Europe as a child? When I was very, so my mom studied French literature at Princeton and then got her PhD in French literature

at Yale and taught French literature at Yale. So she speaks French and then I spoke French because of that. What? So we went to France. That's where we would go. Damn. But it was all like academic shit.

I don't, you know, it's hard to. Maybe we're partying at nine, you know? No, sure. Smoking cigarettes like this. Holy shit. Yeah. All right. Family, you skiers, family, do you guys ski?

Yeah. Do you look down on snowboarders? Do you snowboard? No, I ski. That's you look down on snowboarders. I don't look down on them. I just don't like them. Do you rent skis or do you have your own?

What? Well, dude. That can't be a real question. By the way, the fact that you don't have a passport is so baffling because that means you can't even go to Canada. Dude. What the fuck am I going up there for?

Mexico. I mean, places that are like. Dude, he can't even make it to Delaware. You're worried about Mexico. He's not going anywhere. It just never came up and never, you know what I mean? It doesn't just, I don't just stumble upon kayak.com one day and be like, oh, flights to Belize.

I wonder what's happening. I want to see Machu Picchu. I don't, that's not me. Have you been to Machu Picchu? I can't believe you asked them if he rents skis. Dude, that's insane. I was going to France at six.

You think he's got a pair of rentals on? Holy shit. No, but we were sensible. We rented until I stopped growing. And then. Smart with the gauge. So you keep it, well, we ask a lot of, obviously we have a lot of fucking scumbag comics on.

Sure. So tend to be very trashy. One of the big ones about skiing is we ask them if they ever skied in jeans and they all say yes. Which is so trashy. I hope, I want those people to get hurt on the slopes. I grew up, I was a big skiing family as well.

I want them to injure themselves. To get them off. I want them to stop for a while, you know? Dude, it's all like crusted on the jeans. They got the powder all the bottom. Their knees look so ghoulish and spindly. It's just. There was nothing cooler than a guy skiing in jeans

when I was a kid at the Spring Mountain fucking ski resort. You are next level garbage. Were you skiing at one of those? You've never been skiing? I've been skiing a couple. I'm more of a, I'm more of a tubing pair. Yeah. You give me that on that thing.

I'm fucking hot dogging it down the slopes. He's got a plate of nachos on him, fucking cruising dog. Spongebob Mackenzie in my lap. I hate to say that my mind went to like lake boat tubing. But it did and then I was like he can't float. Yeah, Jesus Christ. No, we attempted to ski a couple of times

when I was a kid. I hated it. All share one lift ticket. Yeah, hanging under that tow rope, getting drugged up the mountain. Brutal. Well, a tow rope's not a mountain. I mean, that's a hill.

That's the bunny slopes. It was scary. Your dad's walk around his new balances at the bottom, smoking cigs. I love, also really quick, actually I shouldn't even say it. Or busting balls, right? Oh, of course.

Drug is not the past tense of drug. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Getting drugged up the mountain. Well, he was getting drugged up on the mountain, so it's a little different. He was boofing fucking perks. I love it. I had to say because drug is a funny one.

No, it was a drop. Like a, Dylan's well time drop. YouTube is going to be all over for that one. Booping me. It is redemption. Where would you ski? Would you go to like, you know,

would you go like trips or just like local places? We didn't go west, you know? We went to go west, that's. Well, now. Yeah, it's so much better. But he's even go west. Yeah, you got skiing out west. Yeah, that's what you do.

It's like going to the Hamptons, you going out east. Out east, yeah. That's what people, I know. It's directional when you got back. What was the earliest you ever had an oyster on the half shell? I don't, I didn't like oysters at all. No, what little kid does?

I was probably like, I was probably 22 or three or something. Oh, okay. Yeah, a little later than you'd think. All right. But we ate a lot, I mean, we lobster, but it was cheap in Maine. It's true. Just getting it off the road.

A couple of lobbies, kid. Yeah. Still in the traps. Yeah. Maine's beautiful. It is. Went up there for the first time. Friend of mine's got a lot of fucking money

and has a house up there and it was like, fuck it. Money goes a long way up there. Yeah. Land is cheap. I just, I was looking on like, cause we were up there, my girlfriend and I were up there for quarantine for like six months or something.

And I was looking on like Zillow. Just for plots of land. And like up in Northern Central Maine, which is remote, you can get a 300 acres for $200,000. Which is, Is that a lot? That's, well, it's so much land.

So much land. So much land. What are you gonna do? Build a go-kart? Save it. Save it. Land is a non-renewable resource. We are running out of land at some point.

Not only that. Can you look at my taxes after this? Yeah. Look at my portfolio. I got something on my knee. Would you take a look at it? I don't know what it is. Tell me if it's.

Dude, I would love to buy land. I think buying land would be cool. That's, I have that. There's such romance to that. Cause like we've been in the city for city living. It's fucking tough. Especially as a comedian, like the mics,

outlay, work, all that shit. It's like, it just wears on you. It's hot out there. And then I would just love to go get fucking land somewhere, upstate New York, Maine, so fucking nice. Imagine living.

And just leaving. You're just going, I'm out here. Having a place that, where you could get lost, how cool would that be? To get lost out in the woods? Yeah, yeah. 300 acres.

300 acres is a lot. That's like 10,000 times what you're. You starve out there. The fucking coyotes would get you. There's no coyotes at Maine. I got invited to go bear hunting in Maine this, this year. By who?

Black bear. Black bear hunting. And I, Have you hunted? No. I couldn't shoot a bear. Nor could I. Yeah.

Nor could I. A little black bear, a little snuggly one. Do you know how they do it? They go bait, it's bait traps. So they basically fill a blue barrel with no joke. Honey.

Dunkin' donuts, donuts. Got my donkeys. For real. They fill it with that. And then the bear, it's at the base of a tree. A bear comes and sniffs it out.

And then they release the hounds. What? And the hounds tree the bear. And you have the hounds GPS on their collar. And you're like driving on these. You find it when they're all around the tree. On one or circling a tree. You hike into the woods.

You see the bear and you shoot it dead. And it falls out of the tree. Why wouldn't you just shoot it when it's at the donuts and you're up the tree? Cause you're not. Cause you're so far away. You're in a car on another site or whatever. That's fucked up.

Just go play laser tag at that point. Yeah. Tell them they're going to get me. Barrel full of donuts. Walk right into their trap. Couple of dogs chasing me out. Yeah. Yeah, you used the big man's at the top of an evergreen.

He's not a bear, but we probably still shoot him. Shoot him, right? I still want that apple crawler. We can scumbags. We can mount them and put them in the game room. I thought I could just the way that, like the way his voice is when he said,

and they use for bait. I thought they were, I thought you were going to say like a poor kid or something like that. I wish. Bideford main. That was the name of it. I couldn't.

Ah, yes. Bideford, of course. That is a great sort of, you know, it's the dividing line between trash and. That is. Bideford. Class. Bideford.

Well, you have both there. You really do. But it's like, it's trash people. And then it's wealthy, well-to-do, summer visitors. There's like a big mill or something. That's like, my friend's family bought that and they're like rebuilding the whole town. So we went up there and it's like this huge complex

with like breweries and bars and shit. I think it's coming up. It's not too far from Portland. Yeah, it's like 40 minutes. Portland's exploding. Yeah. All right, let's knuckle down on this. Why, okay, so why do you think you're trash?

Well, I sold cocaine for a bit. I don't see a problem there. Let me get your number. I took my, and I've told, I've said this before, but when I was tutoring in New York, when I first got here and doing the mics, I wasn't making any money. I was working for a tutoring agency

and they just, they would charge a lot for me, but I would get a very small percentage of that. It's like a pimp and a hooker. Exactly. I'm out of here sucking it, you know? I would see that a lot of my friends were getting into cocaine or people I knew were getting into cocaine and I saw that the margins

were a lot higher for that than we. The margins. You could just make them. Yeah, they're training some moron to take the fucking PSATs, I'd imagine so. So I asked a friend of mine who was like not, he had some underworld connections. Sure, nice.

And he brought me to a stash house in Brownsville and we picked up a big amount from this guy named Poppy. That was his nickname. Yeah, it's not government. And it was a corner of the brick. So it was like stuck together. It was, it had clearly been compacted. Sure.

And came over the border and, you know, maybe the foot of a teddy bear or something, whatever. So I had to then cut that up. I had to. Step on it. I didn't step on it. What? No, because I was going to charge a lot for it since.

Gotcha. And so I wanted whatever to be good. But I had to go sweating over here. Those little scales, I had to buy one of those. And then I had to go find those tiny Ziploc bags. Joanne's fabrics. I could not find them. Any gas station 7-Eleven that you go to for those

won't sell them to you even if they have it because they know what you want it for. Damn. So I had to use loose sandwich bags, which totally. That's a mess. That's actually pretty nice. And did you twist it? I did, but it wasn't nice.

It looked, you know, it looked like shit. It was the worst presentation ever. He's worried about his fucking product design on a fucking 8-Ball. Yeah. This was really, you know. Those were easier to get into, to be honest. So I've heard.

Yeah, but everyone likes the little one because you can dip your key in so easily. True. True. So then I did that for a bit and ended up just breaking even because I was financing my own supply. Nice. And then that's when I started.

One of my friends got arrested for cocaine. Okay. For possession? Yeah. You had given him? No. Okay. He'd gotten it from somewhere else,

but he, and then that opened my eyes. Like just out at night? Yeah. He went behind, like he walked out of a bar and went over to the sort of side alley and then went in there and was like, and then these cops came up. They'd seen them go in with flashlights and.

In the city? No. In Montauk. Oh, they're looking again. East Hampton police. Oh, really? The night in the, two of my friends, and oh, this is crazy.

So one of them had bought two little bags and the other had only bought one. And the weight of the cocaine in the two bags knocked it up to a felony for that kid. And then my other buddy only got a misdemeanor. Like possess some small possession charge. Damn. Good to know.

Keep a little on you folks. Or eat it when you see the fucking fuzz coming. Sure. Don't eat it. All right. I got one here. Manicure. No.

Ooh. I would have paid you. I don't, just so you know, I don't want anything that we just jumped away from that. I don't see any garbage in that. No garbage? No. Selling narcotics?

Selling high-end cocaine. He's trash though. That's normal, like that's normal. Like in his circles, he's frowned upon. You're like, ah. Dude, would that be frowned upon? I'm not even kidding you. I'm not kidding you.

Picture this, okay? So I'm in my apartment with, I live with three of my Harvard buddies. And I'm selling cocaine out of my sock drawer. They're going out every day to their finance jobs and making hundreds of thousands of dollars. Did they know that you were? They kind of had an idea.

Because people would come in and buy it from me. And I was, my downfall as a dealer was that I was too generous. And I would always give people like a taste with me before they like bought it. And I only had one framed glass, actually I had two framed glass surfaces in my room. One was a picture of my family

and the other was my Harvard degree. And I felt too, like it was too fucked up to do cocaine off my parents' faces. So I would take the Harvard degree off the wall, put it between my legs, chop up some lines and give away cocaine to people. Jesus. Sounds like a radio.

And there's something very eye-opening when you're doing that where you're looking down at your Harvard degree and you're like, there has to be a better use for this. Okay, sure. I'll give you that. Yeah, that's trashy. It's definitely trashy for sure.

I don't think it's gonna make you trash. Did the roommates kick you out or anything? No, I couldn't afford it anymore. After eight months, I left. Oh, you left, okay. All right. Did you continue to sell after that? No, I only sold for a couple batches, I would call it.

And then I was just like, Jesus, what am I fucking doing? Yeah. This isn't worth it. All right, I can see that. I haven't done cocaine in about nine years now. That was nine years ago? Yeah, it was 2011, yeah.

Nice. Well, it's also, he doesn't think that's trashy because he's a coke addict for like 10 years. So you're going like, yeah, we were friends. I'd say that when my parents are watching. Hey, mom, I hate that, good to see you. Kippy's hitting the booze. Parents listen to their podcasts.

What am I, now I'm handcuffed? Can't talk about your past? And the meatloaf was great last weekend. No, but I just see that as a classic. That's more Miami Vice than like the wire. It's also far from Miami Vice. He was living with four other people. But they went to Harvard, Kevin.

I understand. Talking about class. But I see where he's coming from. He's selling coke out of his fucking roommate's apartment. You know what diploma you can't do cocaine off of? One that you didn't get. All right. Shout out to Weidner University.

Manicure. I have not had one, no. Pedicure? No. Massage. Sure. When was the last massage you had? A long time ago.

I mean, certainly obviously COVID's out. And then probably a couple of years before that. Really? I got one three days ago. Really? Oh yeah, they're up and running. Huh. Yeah, 60 bucks.

Sometimes if they don't feel good. Shout out to Ming. $20. That's the woman that walks on your back. I don't want that. No, she doesn't walk on your back. They have a little bar on the ceiling. No, that's what you want?

I've had that. That's the $35. No, no, this is a girl. She's a full body massage. I'll do it for 10. I'll get the kinks out too. I'll pay you 10. It was 10 bucks a pack of blow up.

Come over this weekend. I saw a fat guy in Francis' room walking on his back. Okay. Do you sneak snacks into the movie theater? Yeah. Do you brush your teeth in the shower? I'll do you one more. I will sneak dinner into the movie.

I hate that. And I'll sneak dinner in. I hate you. I cooked myself. Oh, what? God. I will bring in like steamed broccoli, brown rice, and you know, broiled chicken breasts.

And I'll have an actual metal knife and fork. That's organic garbage. Because I don't believe in plastic utensils. That's insane level trash. And I... What do you put it in Tupperware? You put it at the bottom of your girlfriend's purse. The theater we go to doesn't check.

The guy doesn't kick. It's definitely glass Tupperware, I would assume, right? Sure is. Yeah, it's glad Tupperware. You can't hide. I don't think I've ever... And all of my trash, I've never even thought of bringing food from home.

You've made it home. Well, sometimes the movie conflicts directly with dinner time and you've got to eat and you don't want to... What are you gonna sneak a fucking pizza box in? No. No, but I was asking like fucking gobstoppers or something.

You're going three course meal. I've done that, but for the sake of the podcast, I've done far worse. I love it. That's a... Wow, you really might have... That's trashier than selling blow. But it's a weird type of trash.

Because it's fucking steam broccoli, brown rice and fucking broiled chicken. That's... That makes it what? That makes it classy. I mean, he's eating right. What do you want? Dude, what are you taught?

He's making food an hour ahead of time. Traveling to the fucking... Usually it'll be like a leftover. I'll bring leftovers into the movie. That's even worse. That's bad. That's insane. I'd rather you cook the meal or stop

and get a chalupa or something on the way and sneak it in. I think cooking something for the movie theater is ridiculous. That would be ridiculous. This is all ridiculous, Francis. That is next level insanity to me. I can't command you. Leftovers to the fucking movie theater? I've eaten a lot of shit in the movie theater.

It's never been steamed. I've never had a piece of broccoli. I was watching Ghostbusters. I had a couple of deep fried Oreos. I gotta say that's pretty good, man. That's pretty good. I like how you're just... It's because it's healthy.

You think that's okay behavior. What about the fucking poor Schmuck next to him when he breaks out boiled fucking vegetable? Let those peasants deal with themselves. You know what allowed me to think that doing that was okay? I went to the theater I used to go to in Brooklyn. There would be people that had full McDonald's. Yeah, it gets hairy in here.

And I would be like, well, if they're eating dinner and it's this shit, okay, I can eat dinner in the movies and my dinner just looks a lot better. That's some waspy shit right there. Well, they're over there eating... They're fast food. Yeah, they're handed out hamburgers. Like, who got what, you know?

So they're fucking kidding me. I said no tomatoes. Holy shit. Dude, that's unforgivable in my book. That's insane. I don't think so. You are a fucking animal. If it was like meatloaf or spaghetti

or some shit like that, yeah, but it's fucking low carb, high protein, lean fat. It doesn't matter what it is. He's taking a fucking... He's probably going to the gym afterwards real quick. It doesn't matter. For a steam and a workout. We're growing.

Maybe a facial. We're growing so far apart. That's insane. What about brushing your teeth in the shower? How do you feel about that? I have no problem with that. I don't... He takes leftovers to the fucking movie theater.

I don't do it any more as often, but for years and years I did it. Okay, would you leave the toothbrush in the shower? Accidentally, I would. But I would know... I would not mean to do that. Okay. That's not where it's going.

A little bit of saving grace. Now, as we've established, you come from a good lineage, upper middle class beginnings, as you said, then your father's business really took off. Well educated. How do you feel? Okay, because my associate here on the podcast

is a staunch, does not believe that this is a quality thing. Well, I know what he's gonna say. Do you take leftovers home from a restaurant? Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. And I eat them. At the movie theater.

No, homemade food at the movie theater. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Where did you go to school again? Where was your college? Harvard. Harvard University, thank you. Do you guys differ on that one?

Oh yeah. This has been contentious. This guy doesn't take leftovers. Why not? Well, okay. Because he's a bozo. And he doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. No, one, I finish it.

Okay, well that's fair. And I'm not saying not taking it is classy. That's not, I'm not saying it's like a classy move to leave it. I'm not saying that. I'm saying to take, you know, a quarter of a chicken breast and four pieces of asparagus home. To me, I just go, that's garbage.

Because if you don't take it, it's literal trash. So it's, first of all, I finish it all the time. Not if I'm waiting at the table. I mean, I mean, it's still food. I understand that. That's why I finish it. I don't, I'm never in a position to. Okay, I have an interesting addendum to this.

Lay it on us. Which would be that I get anxiety when I go to a new restaurant that I'm not going to order the best stuff that they have. I will always ask the waiter, what's the best stuff you've got? You know, and maybe they say like one or two or three things.

But I will over order to quell the anxiety of having missed out. I get FOMO big time at restaurants. Does that make sense? What's FOMO? Fear of missing out. You're missing out. So like, I, cause I fear I'm never going to come back

to this place and I'd rather just hit it once and order like way too much stuff. But make sure that I can taste everything. Does that make sense? Yeah. That makes for a nice leftover. That's exactly right. That's why my leftovers are worth

at least another full meal. You're talking about- That's completely different. I'm talking about if you go and you order a bowl of spaghetti or whatever, a bowl of pasta. There's a quarter of it left. You didn't finish it. I'm not saying I'm classy for not taking it.

I'm just saying I think it's trashy. I intentionally over order because I rely on myself to eat the leftovers as another meal. So I think it's a different point of view we've got. Sure. Yeah. I understand. That's a different situation as well

because you're ordering over the top. There's a sort of a triangle of opinion here where none of us seem to be on the same page, but it's cool. Everyone's got- What do you mean? I'm with you 100%. I want to go to dinner with you right now.

I'll tell you that. Yeah, but you have- A little over-ordering. Yeah, well true. Yeah. Yeah, okay. We side together on that one. Hang out with the kid.

Maybe see if Pepe's still around. What was his name? The guy in Brooklyn. Who? Who was your guy in Brooklyn? Oh, Poppy. Poppy, yeah. Yeah, Brownsville.

Check him out too. Thank you. Oh, Poppy. Oh, you mean Poppy. Poppy's a little sloppy. Poppy's a little sloppy. All right. Okay, okay.

Growing up, did you have milk with dinner? I was always lactose intolerant from a very young age and not in like a fucking pathetic- Nerdy. You know, bullshit, like single mom type of way. I hate to say it. Wait, why? What does that mean?

Not like I get a little gassy. I would really get sick if I had dairy at all. So I was on soy milk most of my life and then switched over to almond. Now I'm on oat. Yeah, oat's the shit. Oh yeah, dude.

Oatly's nice. 10 days a week. Everybody loves it. I like how we took a shot at single moms too. That's classy right there. I don't know if I should have said that. I feel like I shouldn't have said that. I meant like yoga moms.

It's pedigree. It's what it is. You're calling it how you see it. It's not like a lifestyle choice. It's not like I want to do this because it's- Well they say lactose intolerant and that means a very different thing to me from what I have.

Well you actually suffer from lactose intolerance. Like I was almost like allergic to lactose. Like people come in and say that they have a gluten allergy when they really don't. Yeah, you just get a little sleepy. So do we all. Yeah. Or I have OCD, I get nervous.

It's like some people actually have severe OCD and some people are like, oh, I get weird in a situation. There was a girl in my high school who told everyone she had a gluten allergy but then she would just eat the pasta anyway and then throw it up and we were like, you just have an eating disorder. Yeah.

That was how it was. We all saw it and she kept, you know, oh, celiac disease. Oh, that's what it's called. Celiac disease I forgot, you know. Don't piss on my face and tell me it's raining. What? 10 days a week. Don't piss on this guy's got slogans, I like it.

Sure do. That's great. Have you ever been to a hair cuttery? No. Okay, I didn't think so. What is that? It sounds like a super cut. He doesn't even know what it is.

It's like a super cut. Super cuts, yeah. Who does cut your hair? A barber? A barber. A barber, not a stylist. Certainly not. What's a haircut run you now?

What are you spending? What are you dropping on a haircut? Plus tip. It's plus tip. Let us know, drop it on us. It's so funny you asked this. I swear to God, no, it's 50 bucks. It's like 50 to 55 bucks.

It's Manhattan, it makes sense too. But here's what's funny. What? With tip or tip on top of that? With tip. That's 55 with tip. So the haircut's what, 30, 40? It's like 40 bucks.

10, 15 on tip. Okay, not too shabby. Now, here's the thing though. When I got fired from my job at Barstool and I stopped to make, I didn't make as much money for a while obviously until I went and worked for BroBuy. You were doing well over there.

At Barstool? Yeah. Yeah, I was making a good salary. And I just didn't have much money and the first change that I made in my life was to go from $55 haircuts to $19 haircuts. There's a difference. Dude, I look like shit.

I know. It was so night, it was unbelievable. I would have loved to have been there on a Friday night, you coming out of your first $19 hair cut. Oh, fucking whacked up, pissed off. Oh my God, it was fucking revolting. Do you ever have somebody cut your hair where you're like, I know,

you're not even care that you're doing that. They're just like, look in, it's like crazy. You're arguing with this guy who does not speak any English over what is best for your hair and he has his idea and he won't meet you in the middle. No. He says, no, I'm giving you this.

This is what you got to aim for. If you want a better haircut, earn more money. Yeah. That's the way they play it, dude. You can get a really good expensive haircut in New York or you can like fucking slum it or you don't have a say. You just get what they give you. And they set up their waiting chairs

on the sidewalk outside because the place is so small, you can't even have. Where is it? It's one of those like floating shops, you know what I mean? Like in a fucking under an awning somewhere, I don't know. Do you have a guy when, so you're back to the $55 haircut, you're back to your back.

No, I've gone back. You're back, he's making a little bit of cash. Do you have a specific guy you go to? I do. Yeah. Do you make an appointment or do you walk in and wait for him? I make an appointment.

Okay. I don't have the heart when I walk in to wait, I feel bad for the poor shmuck in the back. Yeah. And I always go and they always fuck me up every time. I know that. I'd rather have a bad haircut than hurt that guy's feelings.

That's a good, that means you're not as garbage. I think everybody knows that though. If you have your own barber in a multiple barber situation, they know you're waiting for your guy. I always get Terry in the back. Oh, fucking Terry. Mother, Terry's just my guy now, dude.

I'm like, no, I'm waiting for Terry to bash me up real bad. And I think got a lot left, Terry. You fucking step your game up. Terry ruined my week real quick. Hi, I like Russian barbers now. New York, you gotta go, they're all, it's all Russian. I want Russian.

Yeah, or like Eastern European, yeah. Cut in my hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. My barber knows so much about, this guy speaks really good English and he knows so much about what's going on in Russia politically that I go in and I learn from him. That's pretty good.

And I actually really enjoy it. Because I've like fact-checked him after the fact and he was dead right and I'm like, what's the scoop, what's cooking over there? Well, he says that the current conflict between Azerbaijan and Armenia is actually a much more likely scenario to lead to World War III than anything that would occur

between America, Russia or China. Damn. Why, because it's a proxy? It's being fought over this tiny, tiny parcel of land but there are so many kind of ethnic and religious considerations. Like Turkey wants the Muslims to win because they are predominantly Muslim country.

I mean, and then there's the outside forces that are like aiding from the back based on their own, you know. Interests. Interests and it's pulling more people in. Look at that. Your old class. Dude, that was way better than my Russian barber.

My Russian barber looked like a bad guy from a Bond movie. He cut my hair in the shoe. As if I wanted a 12 year old kid. He's good, he's fresh, I tell you. I cut back straight or you want a natural. Tell me if you want a little girl, let me know. She's virgin. Okay, this, I can't foresee this, but does your family

ever participate in the ritual known as a Yankee swap or white elephant? I don't know what those are. That's where it's like a, you know, a Pollyanna. Secret Santa. I don't know where the fuck you got those terms. I've never even heard of Pollyanna, but I've heard of Secret Santa.

All right, so it's a secret, oh yeah, it's a Secret Santa where everybody buys a gift and then you like fight over, it's real trash. It's real trash. Wait, say it again, they fight over? Have you ever been to a fair that had 50, 50 raffle tickets? Yes. Oh really?

Yes. He owned the land. It was in Maine. The winner got a Jaguar? Not the car. What? No, so every, say there's the three of us, right? We all pull a number one.

We all buy a gift, not for anybody, but just a standard gift. See, this is trashy. This is real trash. We didn't do that. We did a straight Pollyanna. Which is still kind of trashy, but whatever. It's, you all buy just a non-descript gift

anybody could use, right? You all put it in the middle and then they're all wrapped up. You don't know what they are. And then we all pull a number one through three. Number one pulls first. So say you open it up and it's a fucking flowbie to get to cut your hair.

You go, oh cool. And then I can either take from the pot or I can take your gift. Okay, okay. And that can, you put, you do it with like 10 people and it goes on. Interesting. Wait, have you ever gotten a flowbie as a gift?

Tell me, please tell me, yes. No, but my sister-in-law's dad invented the flowbie. Oh really? Yeah. And easy pass. A couple of bucks. What? A couple of shots.

I don't know that. Easy pass? Invented the technology and then leased it to easy pass. This is your sister-in-law's dad. Dad. He was an inventor. Like a proper inventor.

Good for him. Yeah. That's cool. I mean, the easy pass is just an enormously helpful thing. What a development. Yeah. For traffic. Think about it.

Oh, forget it. Do you ever see people at a toll? I just got an easy pass. I just, dude, I just got it last week. What are you doing? I just got it last week. The new one for me, that's pathetic. I know.

I didn't have a car for a long time. The new one for me, this one is merging into this territory, but it's not there yet. When I go to the airport, I have... Clear or... Yeah, yeah, TSA pre-check. And so I love that.

And I look down on people that are in the pedestrian line. Sure. But it's still a sense of superiority rather than how could you be such an idiot as to not have this? Sure. Which is what I feel about easy pass.

Yeah, yeah, of course. Of course. You're breaking out chains. In my defense, when I had my car in New York, I had it. I had it. And then I got rid of my car. I took my car back to my parents

and it sat there for three years. And then, I don't know, six, eight months ago, I brought it back and I just never fucking got it. And then I just got it. Makes sense. But they're getting rid of them because now, because of COVID, so you just drive through and it's all by mail anyway.

Have you ever gone through, have you ever not had easy pass and gone through a toll and not had the money to pay for it? No. I have, but by accident again, and then I had to settle it up in the mail. Yeah, I had to do that too once. I knew damn well.

They get you on the fees too. I knew damn well that I wasn't gonna be able to pay for it. It's a huge hassle. You're driving a Virginia. Sorry, I took the wrong car. I got my mom's car. My wallet's in my other car. All right, I got one.

You're a classy guy, a couple of bucks, probably live in a nice apartment. Yeah, why do you want to be garbage? I feel like you're disappointed. I never said I wanted to be. They just said, I got a darker, sorry. I can't pretend that I'm some totally unimpeachable person. Yeah.

The word impeachable. That's class. If I were to go to your house right now, right me and Foley come over, we sit down, we both ask for water. Do you live with your lady friend? I do. Okay.

We both ask for water. What are you offering us? Great question. I'm going to take a glass out of the cupboard and I'm gonna fill it up for you guys from our Brita filter in the refrigerator. Okay, that's a valid answer. That's the answer.

A bottle of water is very nice, but I know you're not big on plastic. No, not at all. I don't keep bottles of water. Yes. I picked up on the- I like the glass Pellegrinos and Garolismners. That's the, if someone offered,

if I went and asked for water and someone gave me a Pellegrino, I'd be like, how do I take from you in life? What can I take from you? We're big, we're big on the, we're big on that at all. My wife's European, so that's all, it's just all the fucking, that's all it is. Let me tell you something.

Everybody, I know when people go to a restaurant, all right, all right, and I'm talking to the fans out there, all right, maybe on a tight budget. When you go to a restaurant and they offer you a bottle of sparkling or still, I swear to God, skip the soda and fucking get that. It is so fucking worth it.

I totally disagree. Why? Yes, thank you. I agree with you. I answered tap every time, almost at some like, I don't sense of not wanting to be an asshole. No, you go with the bottle.

No joke, when I was single, I went on a date with a girl once who jumped in and as I was saying, taps fine. And it was like, sure, bottle's great. And they brought it, it was like $14. What's the one with the orange label? They give it to you in the green room at Carolines all the time.

Aqua, it's aqua penner or something like that. Something like that. It's glass, and it was a big bottle, and I immediately wrote this girl off. We were not at all compatible. Yeah, I'm a big still guy. The worst answer you could have given is, did you ever go to someone's house

and they give you a glass of water and the glass is wet? And it's like, they just wash the glass out of the sink and I'm like, nah, dude, I'll fuck you, I'm good. You smell like old soap and garlic in it? Yeah, that's fucking weird. What if they pointed you to the sink and they were just like, put your head under there.

I probably have some friends where that's the case for sure. Yeah, I love drinking from the hose. Yeah, well a hose would be different. Yeah, drinking from the faucet of the bathroom late at night when you're dying of thirst is good too. I don't like it. Yeah.

You're getting a sideways sip. It's not good. It doesn't go down your throat the right way. It's too much energy to get what you need. Yeah. It's not hard. Harder to breathe too. I go to, I take water every night. That's the last thing we do.

Water next to the bed. Yeah. Yeah, so you got it. I try to throw a move on the old lady, which turns me down. Break out the crippler. And then what, you have your water in the middle of the night when you wake up? Yeah, I wake up a lot, I pee a lot.

I need some water, you know? How many times do you pee every, when you're sleeping through the night? I hold it every time. At least once. You get up at least once a night in the middle of the night to pee. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dude, that's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to pee the bed a lot as a kid. I just got a tiny bladder to go with a tiny pee pee. I have a friend who gets up three times a night. That's a lot. That would be like, that's a lot. He has the tightest, smallest bladder ever.

And he's a big dude. There's nothing worse than that. I hold it as long as I can until it affects my dreams, my sleep. And I'm just angry, so I hold it. But dude, that release, it's like, you're sitting there like, roll tossing and rolling around. Trying to, that pain's never gonna go away.

But you gotta get it out. You know what, too? I fucking, you know, my girl's always on me about missing the toilet and peeing on the floor. I go in there in the middle of the night half asleep. I just fucking, it's on the walls. I don't know what's going on. I hate that.

This is something I'm learning. A lot more men are sitting down to pee. It's not comfortable for me. I agree. I don't feel like I'm clearing the cylinder as much. Yeah. I feel like I'm peeing back on myself. I need gravity to help in that process.

Yeah. And I hate getting pee on my area. It's very smelly. I don't like it. Ah, man. Well, lately there's something every- Your piss strikes me as being very, very dark yellow. Oh, you wouldn't like it.

No. Not a lot of water in there. Thick. Viscous. It's a lot of fucking, you know, vitamins and nutrients coming out. It would be like that guy, Aaron Ralston, who got his arm trapped under the rock in 127 hours.

So he had to drink his own pee. Yours is like the third cycle of it. It's the third cycle of that. The third generation of your own pee. So you've gone through a couple times and your bladders have sorted out any remaining nutrients. And it's just mud now. It's bad.

It's mud. It looks like my pee looks like Mountain Dew most of the time. And when I have a- You are so unhealthy. When I have a sp- When I have a sparrigus. It comes out as a whole one. It comes shooting out.

It comes out wrapped up. Wrapped up in bacon. No, when I have a sparrigus, it instantly smells so bad. Yeah, that's true. I know, but with my added regular unleaded, that I usually do that, it makes-

This guy's burning high octane over here. Pure diesel. It makes for a really weird smell. Like the whole bathroom, it's like coyote pee or something like that. Marking my trail. I know how to get out. They sell it at fucking, I forget the name.

Guys, I gotta tell you, I'm having a lot of fun. I really am. That's what we do here, buddy. This is great fun. That's what we do. Yeah, I like this. All right, I got a couple more, I think. When was the last time you were in a wave pool?

Long, long time. Probably 12, 13, one of those vacations to Florida. Roller coaster? Not as long as you might- Well, I was 22. It was my senior year. That's the right answer. Yeah.

And we're working a kiosk in the mall. No. Did you have a job growing up? Sure. What'd you do? Yeah, one summer, I was like a referee of all these kids, youth soccer and games and stuff like that. That's a classy job.

That and the tutoring. And then I did, I worked at a, I painted porches for an entire summer. That's a college job. Just porches? Like mostly, it was mostly like decks and porches. Was it like startup pro painters or whatever? One of those.

I was just freelancing, but I got a couple jobs. Like people would refer me and whatever. Wait, you were doing it yourself? Yeah. Wow. See? That's class. It's not his own business.

And then I did, I worked, you'll like this. I worked as a, at a kayak and canoe rental place. And I would pull the boats off the hooks and like give them to families to go out in the ocean. That was a summer where I was working at this very ritzy area of Maine called Prout's Neck. Roger Goodell has his summer house there. Okay.

They have a famous old hotel called the Black Point Inn. And I made friends with all of the wealthy New York kids that were there. And I would play beer pong and they're screened in porches and take advantage of them and stuff. And they one day brought me after work to the Black Point Inn for tea. They set out all these little finger sandwiches

and they had a grand piano in the little area there. And I sat down and started to play. Yeah, you play, yeah. The manager of the hotel walked out and offered me a job playing the piano two nights a week on the spot. And I went from making like $8 an hour at my canoe and kayak rental place

to making $50 for four hours of playing just two nights a week and like tripled my weekly salary. What did you play that blew him away? Would you like piano man or something? I don't even know what I was, I don't even remember what it was. Render Manetti with a puppy in the state. Chopsticks.

But it was like, it was one of those amazing just fortuitous moments of like being in the right place at the right time and then like getting into, you know, the richer circle. Sure. That allowed me to make more money. It's all about that network. I gotta stop hanging out with you.

No shit. I would tell you working around rich people is helpful. I know. It is. Keep making it till you make it. My niece and nephew are in private school and I've been networked with some of their friends. See if they need their porches painted.

They're only eight and nine, but still. I used to work at a law firm that represented international billionaires. That was like my last job and when you're working around that kind of, like I used to manage their apartments in New York. I mean like a hundred million dollar apartments and shit. It's like you, it's just.

Do you go into some of those places? I used to have, sometimes I have to go like reset the wifi or whatever you're like, whatever, you know, or like go yell at a neighbor. And you're one of 25 people there that day who are fixing something or like cleaning or teaching. Oh yeah. And like a lot of them wouldn't even know me.

And like I would have to like also, I'd have to fund the accounts from like all the, it's all like shell corporations are getting money in the US. So I'd have to, I'd be on the phone with like fucking, you know, Hong Kong being like, I need two million stat in the fight, you know, to the, to the BVI account.

And then like, and I'm like, you don't even know me. And I'm ordering around two million dollars of your money. Dude, the best, the best gig I had when I was tutoring was I got hired by a very, very wealthy family. I mean, blew the other orders of magnitude greater than the other Upper East Side families I had. And this guy, you know, he had a big family and a staff of 15, which included two chefs

who cooked all the dinners. And the kids would come through. There were a lot of kids in the family and they would come through and they would fill their plates or whatever. And then with me and the other tutor who were full time got to make our plates. And these guys, these chefs had worked at the top restaurant

La Bernardin and 11 Madison Park, like, you know, Michelin Star restaurants. And I was eating, you know, what would have been a $130 plate of dinner every night. Wait, how were you full time? So I got hired. That family wanted like a total commitment. So I pushed my other students off to other tutors

that I had hired. I took a percentage of what they were making and then I worked. Oh my God. Couple of points. The kid gets to let his be. Holy shit. On contract for that family.

What, so you'd have to be there every day? Yeah, five days a week. After school. Sunday through Thursday. But there were perks. I mean, they had a- There's a lot of perks, ma'am. Six ski house that they would take a helicopter to

and I would accompany them sometimes on the helicopter. Why? What would be under the- The kids had homework on the weekends. And if the parents, sometimes like the parents wouldn't come. And so they would send, you know, a tutor and two nannies and like-

It's all outsourced. A chef out with the kids, the ski house. On the helicopter? Yeah. Holy shit. I used to, there was this guy- How were the nannies? Are they hot?

Dude, no, but there was, I mean, something fucking insane happened, which is straight out of like, you know, upstairs downstairs or down Naby or some shit, where the chef was, and then one of the nannies started having an affair. Nice. And they were both married to like other people.

Nice. And they were doing a ton of drugs. Nice. Ecstasy. Nice. And then the nanny was like driving the little kids to surf camp in the morning and was too fucked up. And they found this out and they conf-

And they were also stealing wine from the wine cellar. That's what you're getting. You can't do that. Rich guys know their wine. You can't steal. It was one of the maids who found the empty bottles of wine and snitched on them. And then when the dad confronted the chef,

the chef picked up a vase in the kitchen and threw it at his head. He ducked and it broke through the stained glass window that they had had done special for that house. Jesus. And then they, I think they called the police and the chef got arrested and taken away. Of course he did.

That happened in front of the fucking kids, man. That's probably not even the craziest thing that's happened in front of us. That was the craziest thing that I was like. Of course, that's the same. Because I arrived the next day and the kids ran out the driveway to greet me and they were like, you're never gonna believe what happened.

And I was like, this is awesome. That's getting the helicopter to talk about that. Helicopter to the ski resort. Yeah. You've been in a helicopter on your way to go skiing. Yeah, but as a total passenger, like... My mom was friends with a lady whose husband was a little... The guy that used to fly the weather channels.

You get this in the back. We're up here, there's traffic on 95. I would be an eye on a car chase. Go Loa. No, I was too scared to go. It was right around Halloween, I remember. My brother, this fucking thing came down the runway but it was huge land and I was like, nah, fuck that.

Let's go to fucking Clover, get some G.I. Joe's. But my brother went for like a 20 minute ride. Yeah, the helicopters are spooky. Wow. You don't think you're in a tin of Sardinias. Yeah, so one of my family's friends used to fly. He had one and he would fly it, like recreationally. And I remember all the kids are like,

we're going in fucking Mr. or whatever this thing. I'm like, I was like six, like dude, you are not fucking getting me enough. Yeah, unless you're a fucking Huey Vietnam vet pilot, I'm not getting into a fucking chopper with you. I want somebody with military training. I was with that and when I was in SeaWorld, they pulled me up to like play with Shamu or whatever.

And I was like, not today, chief. You are not pulling me up to fucking get eaten by this fucking thing. Get some other slump of Kansas. That kid can get eaten in front of the whole SeaWorld. Not doing it. You think it's part of the show? Oh, look, his arm's gone.

Nope. Have you ever been to Busch Gardens, Williamsburg? No, but I've been to Busch Gardens, Florida, Orlando, I assume. Oh, wow. Have you ever been to Myrtle Beach for a vacation? No. That's trash.

Have you ever owned a lava lamp? No. Okay. Blacklight? No, but I had those glow in the dark stars that you would stick on the ceiling. That was like the intro to like, you really wanted a black, like,

I wanted like black light poster, but I was like, we'll start with the stars. That was the intro to Smoke and Doobies. Yeah, that's all you wanted. Did you guys ever have a door made of beads? Oh, that's a question? Have you? No, but I wanted one.

No way, your mom. No way, your mom was going for that. I wanted one. Put that in the helicopter. That's a question that's come up on the show a bunch. Really? I thought that was an original thought. No, I think we just asked it like two weeks ago, maybe.

Fuck me twice. Yes. Still trashy. That is trashy. Edges, anything you could buy at Spencer's Gifts as home decor. It's trash, yeah. It's garbage.

That's how I come up with questions for the show. I could just go to Spencer's website. I love it. Have you ever bought a necklace with a charm on it? No. Okay. I bought like a bead at a county fair, a hemp necklace with a bead.

Yeah. That's all right. That was cool back at that age. That was in. What I could see him wearing, you're wearing one of those, were a pukashell necklace? No, not a shell one,

but I had like those sort of Abercrombie boy necklaces when I was in seventh grade for sure. It did rock those. And I popped my collar. You did? And I once wore a shirt, two shirts. Two collars. Wait, what do you mean?

Two polos? One within the other. They got back in the day. You would put two polos on and pop both of them. As though your collars were spooning each other. Yeah. It's, it's a, it's a layering technique. It was way past your time.

Yeah. You would usually do the white one on the inside and then the color one on the outside. I had a buddy that did it like, we were way too old. It wasn't even cool. And he would like show up to the ball. Like we were like 23 or whatever. He would show up to the ball with three pop collars on.

No. I swear to God, dude. That's too much. I'm drawing a blank on his fucking name. Shout out to Quigs. I mean. And Stateside Vodka. But at that point you're not even comfortable.

You're wearing three shirts. Yeah, but you know, it's a conversation starter. What the fuck? No, it's not. It's a conversation handler. We're talking about it. We're talking about it. Do you pop?

Years later, the kids still got some heat. Do you pop your collar now or no? No, he's a fucking gentleman. Not a decade, a decade or more. I thought that's what cool people did was pop your collar. I, this is making me want to try it again. I want to bring it back. You could pull it off because you're tall, good in shape.

And you're like, oh, that's a fashion choice by that guy. You couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. When you go to brunch, do you wear sunglasses? Do you wear sunglasses at brunch? Only to the restaurant and then I take them off. Do you wear flip flops in the city?

No. I got one. This has been a very divisive one based on Foley's answer. You're out, you know, it's obviously not ideal, but you're out somewhere and you have to use the bathroom at number two, right? You got to use a public restroom. How, what's the ritual?

How do you clean the seat in a public restroom? Yeah, you know, I've just become more secure about this as I've grown older. I used to be very germaphobic about it and I, you know, but now, honestly, I give it a glance. And if I'm like, it looks pretty clean, dry, I'll just take, I'll sit down, but then if there's any kind of anything untoward,

I will get a ball of toilet paper, a thick ball, and then use that as a somewhat of a screechy and then just hold my breath. Nice. Foley, why don't you tell them what you'd do? Well, I like to poop in the evenings. No, I will, similar situation, like when it looks clean, there's not like shit on the toilet or anything like that.

You're going to be blown away. I will get that same said chunk of toilet paper. I will flush the toilet a couple of times to get fresh water in there. A couple of times? Yeah, like to get, you know, fresh water. Well, hold on. May I pause you?

I'm so sorry. Do you flush it, wait till it replenishes, and then flush it again? Yeah, those industrial ones. Well, the way you did it, you were like, it sounded like you were pumping it. Well, those, the ones that like, you know, like rocket ship flushers.

Yeah, don't have a tank. So you're just ripping that thing to create like a vacuum of some kind? No, to get the water fresh, and then I take the ball of toilet paper, I dip it a little bit, just a touch in the water, and then I wipe the seat. Why don't you wet it under the sink?

Because now I got to go out with the whole toilet paper in my hand. Everyone knows I'm taking a poop. Did anyone have doubts when you flushed the toilet four times? Or you're in the stall? I could be doing bumps, they don't know. Maybe I'm tripping all the way to the bathroom.

That guy's flushing a lot of cocaine down the toilet. He uses toilet bowl water. That's gross, man. To clean the toilet seat. Well, in a weird way, it explains why you're flushing it so many times, which environmentally, again, that hurts me. But now I understand it.

Yeah, that's my move. What have you see, what have you see like stalactite on the corner? Yeah, chunks. I'm going to go to a different stall. I'm going to hold it, or I'm not going to do the wiping method, and I'm just going to wipe it down and make it happen.

Why must it be wet? That makes the seat wet, which to me is uncomfortable. I dry it off, I dry it off. So you go wet, right? He's doing a lot of work in there. And then you take another ball, and then you,

If I need to. You're the reason that the rainforest is being detected. There you go. I'm pretty environmentally conscious in other ways. You guys are drinking out of place the cups. True. I got my folie mug right here. Oh, okay.

Let's just do one or two. We got to wrap up, but then we'll do one or two of the standards. Growing up, butter, was it kept in the refrigerator or kept on the counter? And where do you keep it now? Refrigerator, and then now it's in the refrigerator

in that little top on the door, the top thing with a little see-through. Wow, he has one of those. I got one of those. Do you? Yeah. You have a butter thing in your refrigerator? Yeah, every refrigerator,

that's not like a place. Oh, I know what you're talking about. Yeah, I thought you meant like you had a separate, can you access from the outside? No. Oh, okay. Not iron, man. Is this a butter doggy door?

Not iron, man. He looks like Michael Fassbender a little bit. I've gotten that. I like him. What a great actor. Oh, he's fast. He speaks like seven languages, too. You French?

That's all I got. That's all you got? Plays the piano? Were you classically trained as a piano player? I mean, that's such a fancy way. I took lessons in classical piano, but I couldn't say that I was trained by some sensei pianist.

So at that place in the Hamptons or wherever you were, where you were working the summer gig, you weren't playing like Billy Joel. You were playing like... I was playing, I was reading music, yeah. Playing classical music. Wow.

Mozart? I had to wear a suit for it. Yeah, I'd play some Mozart concerts. Wagner? No, Wagner, no. I think mostly, Wagner's mostly like orchestral. Okay. I think, certainly not Shakespeare.

Goosebumps? Checkberry. This has to be a yes, but this is another recurring one. If you had to go to a wedding tomorrow, right? If you find out today you got to go to a wedding, you have a suit that fits you, correct? Yeah.

You can put on a suit tomorrow and not have to worry about it. Yes, however, I have had suits that I've chosen vetoed by my girlfriend due to stains that I did not think were deal breakers. Sure, that's a big thing, yeah. Okay, how many suits do you own currently? Well, good question.

And I have a follow-up. I would probably say like three. That's pretty good. But I have two that I bought on sale as like a big deal that I haven't hemmed yet. So the pant looks uncircumcised. Okay, yeah, yeah. So I have them, but they're not ready to go.

But you could, in a pinch, you got one that you can put on and go to a funeral. I own five suits, two of which are, I mean, those ones that I bought were like 200 bucks. Yeah, he doesn't own a suit, so I mean. You're like, oh, I only got five, they're only 200 bucks. I still think that's less weird to me

than not having a passport. Yeah. Do you own a tux? Yes. What? Dude, I'm going to sound douchey here. Most of the weddings that I get invited to are black ties. Which I find very...

A cash bar? What are we talking about here? I find that very indulgent on the side of the browser. Yeah, but you run in that circle. Hold on, have you ever been to a wedding that was cash bar? No. Yeah, I don't think I have either. I might have been one of like a kid back in the day

or like a VFW or something, but not as much. I've been to a funeral that was cash bar. I went to a wedding that was dry, which was really offensive. That's tough. I went to one. It was because someone in the wedding party had a party. The wedding party?

The wedding party? No, I mean, I think either the bride or the groom. I was going to say, I'm not fucking, I'm not having a dry wedding for cousin Steve. Yeah, even still. Come on, man, you can't do that to people. I respect it, they're making choices that are better than lies, but come on.

So I fucking seen the nontrick and Shirley temples like assholes. I went to a wedding that was at like a, you know, it was a whatever and instead of having it catered, like it was catered, but to save money they did, oh, we'll just buy all the booze and then we'll serve that rather than having the third party, sir. I don't mind that.

You run out so quick. Oh yeah. So it's like, they're like, ah, we only got a half of a James and you're like, it's like still light out. Well. Trying to fucking tie one on over here. Trying to bang it.

Trying to bang it. I put an 100 in the card, let's go. That sounds good, but that's like running any party where you should just always over buy. Yeah, or let somebody come in and say, hey, it's on you, like you're at a bar or a restaurant, you know, you're at the venue, the venue has it. Dude, a BYOB wedding would be pretty fun.

That would be devastating. It would get sloppy, quick. I'd bring a cooler for sure. Yeah. Rolling in with a fucking party ball. Yeah. What about the wedding gift? I always give money.

How much? Now I'm like Venmo-ing people. I've done that for a wedding. People are fine with that. All right, let's do this. It's weird. What was the last wedding you went to? I know what your question is to me, which is how much,

right? Yes, we want to get the brand tax here. So here's the thing, it depends on my friendship with the price. Yeah, of course, of course. So on a wedding where I feel as though I was a bubble invite, like we kind of hope he says no. Yeah.

Like he just made the cut. If it's just me, I'll give 200 bucks. OK. And if I have a date, I'll give $2,000, $2,000, $2,300, maybe, for the two of us. But that's a good point, because I won't get a plus one unless I'm closer to the couple. Sure.

Let's say a cousin, right? A cousin, it's like the invite is guaranteed. You're not on the bubble. I think $300 is a pretty generous wedding gift. For you and her or just you? Probably the two of us. That's solid. But if I'm in the wedding and it's a close friend,

I've given $500 before, which is then it's like, you're like, this is a big bite. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn, not bad. But I also, because I don't want to be the friend that like, even if everyone else in that wedding party pays like $1,000 or something insane, $500, nobody's going to look at you like, wow, you're an asshole.

$500 is like a really good gift. Sure. I also kind of look at it as like, you're in the wedding party. It's like, I'm already sunken in for the fucking tux. I'm sunken in for the fucking. Not him, he's owns it. That's why you should buy a tux. My tux was less than $500.

He's my best friend. I want to wear tux to his fucking wedding. I'm not buying a tux. Come on. True. I feel like you guys are going to wear a build-up on. You've got the invite, I'll tell you that. Dude, there's not board shorts that fit him.

I got board shorts. He's N1 mesh shorts all day, baby. Meet me at the Rocker. I do got a pair of N1s rocking it out. N4s? All right, you're a bigger guy. All right, we got to get you out of here. I mean, come on.

Class, kids class, kids class all around, man. Right, class and the booths, what do you boys say? I'm stunned. Yeah, I'm stunned. Fucking French, piano, helicopters. You know, you read the resume, though, and you're ignoring some of the nitty gritty, some of the intangibles.

And I'm not arguing that I'm trash. You're so cold. Coke once, OK. I love it over it. I love it. This, here are my checks for class. Speak French, plays classical piano. Passport at six.

Passport at six, you've been in a helicopter. Didn't know what hair cuttery was. And you traffic cocaine. So that's all the boxes for me. That's a plus in his car. Yeah, I mean, you've definitely, it's also not a stamp of like, oh, you're, you know, not, you are impeachable, like you said,

but it's like, you have behaviors that you've done, trashed, nobody makes it, no one's the Teflon Don. No one makes it 32 years without, you know, dabbling in the dark arts. I wonder if I should have, I mean, some of the, some of the relationship stuff maybe would have tipped the scales a little bit farther. Yeah, that happens though.

Everybody's got, you know, you're, you're, you come from a lineage of good stock. You had a good upbringing, you know. The jawline. Not to say that you're a fucking, you know, you definitely got some scale. Look at the jawline. He's a good looking guy, you know.

What about the, did you have braces when you were a kid? Only for a short, like 10 months. I was lucky. Damn, those are just natural. Well, I had a huge overbite, but then my teeth moved very quickly back into. Even his teeth are good. His teeth are classy.

Yeah. You know what I want to ask you? How do you, in that environment when you were selling, how did you deal with the people coming in like late night, looking for a second bag and all that kind of stuff? All tweaked out. I mean, they, I didn't get that. That was the thing.

I was, I was selling to like a controlled group of people. I wasn't answering a beeper and then being like, meet me around the block. We're going to do a little joint, you know. By the way, those guys always had really nice cars. Oh yeah. Coat deals always got nice cars. Like BMW 750s and like nice legroom.

It's the 10 to eights as I call them. Yeah. We got, yeah, we got to wrap up. We got to get that. Francis Ellis, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much. Appreciate you guys very much. This was so much fun.

Is there anything you want the folks out there to know? Anything coming up? I'll be in Indianapolis at helium on November 19th to the 21st. You can get tickets for that at FrancisElles.com. Otherwise, check out our podcast. Oops, it's a lot of fun. With the former guest, Julio Gallerotti. One of our favorites.

That's right. Kippy, what do you got? Guys, at Cameron Comedy on all social media, great review, subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube. Yeah, check us out. Thanks. Yes, sir.

We love you guys and we will see you next week. Peace.