Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Matteo Lane Returns!

Episode Date: February 19, 2024

Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast presents stand up comedian and podcast host Matteo Lane. You know Matteo Lane from Stand Up Comedy, the Flagrant podcast w/ Andrew Schulz, We Might Be Drunk podcast, Matteo Lane Makes, Whiskey Ginger, and his special "Hair Plugs and Heartache"! Thanks for watching Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast. Come to a live show! Through the Roof Tour Tickets: https://areyougarbage.com/ Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/ PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Blue Chew: https://bluechew.com/ Promo Code: Garbage CoPilot: https://mycopilot.com/garbage Ladder Life: https://www.LadderLife.com/GARBAGE Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Gang, we got a hot new merch shop over there at RUgarbage.com. We got a fresh crop at these just in time for the spring. Yeah, plus we got Antutti hats. We got some of the classics from before coming back. RUgarbage.com, get a wider hot. Yeah. Welcome to another exciting edition of RU Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians

are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R U Garbage. It's that little show we sit there with your favorite comedians and we find that if they're good to be classy, don't do just a big ol' piece of trash Trash Trash Trash Trash I'm your host Hates Foley coming at you on a beautiful day We're out back here at Tooties in the new edition. She's upstairs resting

She had a big intermula basketball game last night. Okay 36 points 12 rebounds 18 assists two technicals Unfortunately, yeah, she kept trying to play with her shirt off. Okay. What are you gonna do? My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. That feels like a waste of eight hours. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He is an international businessman. He's my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for KJ.

Kevin James Ryan. Hey, what up, gang? Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube as you know those numbers are. Shrooderoof. Cooking.

And obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com slash rugarbage.com. Get a bajillion hours worth of content over there. And also all tickets on sale for our new tour through the roof tour 2024 on sale at rugarbage.com. Get them tickeys. Yeah, get them tickeys, gang. Come out and see the boys and have a nice quick shout out

to our producer extraordinaire. The old magic man makes us all look good. Works the ones, the twos, the threes and the fours. He crosses the T's and he dots the I's. Give it up for T-Bone McScroff and Toby McMullen everybody. Let's go. Hey, what up boys? Hey pal, I'm so stoked.

I love this guy. Who does it? Who does it? Chicago legend. Chicago! Maybe the most talented person on earth. The one I ever met. Yeah.

Comedy, singing, drawing. This guy can do every job at a county fair. I'm sure he's not bad in the bedroom either. I like how you said that so trashy comedy singing and drawing this guy can draw gang along here and like because we could be more excited ever incredibly and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today. He's very funny, very successful stand up comedian. He's on tour right now, not only in North America, but in Europa.

Doing dual continent tours right now. He's got a brand new podcast, I never liked you. And also his advice special is up on his YouTube page. You know him, you love him, just to recap real quick. All right, when he was on the first time, he grew up next to an airport, got his passport when he was 15, makes his bed every day, wore a fedora once at 22. That was a strike against him. I'll let it slide. He jet-skied once, but he was on the back, so what are you going to do?

He's never been thrown out of a restaurant. He tips $20 for the hotel, doesn't get cash back, but unfortunately, he was deemed trashed, but we're going to give him another shot, give it up for the one, the only, Mateo Lay. Hey. Hello. There he is.

You guys have to be great radio hosts for like a Greece musical, like, you know what I mean? Like you have that sort of 1950s great banter back and forth. It is. We're just turning into morning zoo at this point. Hand it up to Johnny Fontaine, everybody. Totally. Hand it with the weather.

I will get it. I'm a rock dancer. Buddy, thanks for coming back to see us, man. Thank you. I'm so excited. This is the most fun I've ever had on a podcast. I'm very excited to be back. We saw you about a year ago. You were on a meteoric rise and that rise has just seemed to continue.

Kids cook it. You're killing it. Kid moves tickets. I'll pay you that right now. Look out. Thanks. Um, got married? Got married. Whoa. Off the market, baby. I am. I'm off the market. I'm still holding out that thing crashing.

I blew it. Hopefully the other guy turns out not to be gay and I could slide in. I'm off the mark. I'm still holding out that thing crashing. I blew it. Hopefully the other guy turns out not to be gay and I can slide in. Hey, Dan. Hearts breaking on the west side of cities across America. That always is the west side. Why is that? But also a huge sigh of relief from everybody. That's enough of me.

How long will you see in each other? Give us the deets. I want to know about the wedding, the event. Okay, so we got married at City Hall, which is the closest I've ever been to going to jail. And I also got married at City Hall, and I got to say it was me and a bunch of gay couples. You guys say it's all gay guys in there. So for us, there was one other gay couple.

OK. And I'm not making this if I have photographic evidence, because they give you a ticket, like you're at a deli when you go through. It's like the DMV, and you walk out married, it's not. Also too, it's like how romantic to walk through a metal detector, but we gave us our number, we're number 69. Hello.

I know, and then when they called it, because they had like the numbers, like the DMV, you sit there waiting for your number, everyone sort of dressed up, I'd say half the couples were there for love, and they called 69 when we got up everyone was like is this a joke? It's just a bit yeah.

And then we were rushed through so they you go in and then our woman who is our judge her name was Juanita she's from the Bronx and we were like her 18th wedding that day and we go in and it's it's Rodrigo meet her and then my mom and then our friend and then my mom's holding on the phone because Rodrigo's from Mexico all 40 members of his Mexican family on zoom And none of them muted themselves The world's worst zoom dude So the sound is just like do you Mateo take rodrigo to be a lawfully wedded husband in the background like

Soccer game playing in the back somewhere. Fireworks going off. We get married, go! Go! All right, you guys dressed up, I assume. We did, we dressed up like two gay drug lords from the 1970s. I mean, I've seen your husband, he's hot.

Yeah, he's gorgeous. I'm sure you both do well, I know you do well. I'm sure you look nice, you probably looked out of place in there. What were you wearing? you do well, I'm sure you look nice, you probably looked out of place in there. What were you wearing? We were wearing, I was in an all black, I had my friend Taylor or Rhea address us, hot Tyler, he's from Texas, okay.

And I was in a black button down that tucked into high black pants that flared, so they're like Liza Manelli from the waist down, and Danny Zuko from the waist up. I wore the same thing, actually, by the way. It was very, very tasteful. And Rodrigo wore the same one, but in red, like a bright red.

Okay. So we really looked gay. Like a Harry Styles. I know, that's what I was picturing. All right, I'm shocked that it was at the courthouse. What was the afterwards? What was the reception? Did you do anything fun there?

Cause a lot of people do some fun stuff there. Or like, did you walk out and have like a champagne toast? Yeah, we walked on all of our friends like through stuff at us. Oh, they were all waiting outside. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. But I cut it small. I think as comics, I'm so against that kind of attention,

like birthdays and stuff. Like I just, you know, because we get so much attention all the time. So it can be embarrassing, but it was really, really beautiful. It's fun, yeah. Yeah, my parents came out and then we went to the cellar

and Liz at the cellar. I did a spot real quick. I did a, I did a type five. No, we went to the cellar, it was beautiful, like I just said to Liz, like we're just gonna come to the cellar afterwards we can just like,

you know, order some drinks up. But they had Johnny the waiter, he made us a giant cake and the hell of this stuff. It really was a nice day. But I'm a little relieved afterwards, because it's so much pressure. And you have to talk to these. Just like, let's be married and move on with our lives.

Yeah. What's the honeymoon situation? The honeymoon situation was kind of all over the place. I immediately started touring. So I had to go to Australia. So we haven't had our proper, proper honeymoon, but we're gonna wait till things all settle down. What's the idea on that?

You guys kicking around ideas? Back to the courthouse? Get a divorce. We're just gonna go to the DMV just to really get the full experience. Probably go to Italy or something. Okay, all right. That's like a mix of class and trick.

The courthouse is really questionable. It's a good It's a very New York thing. It's very kitschy. It's like you're in there with like people from all different walks of life It's it's not I remember we did why do we did champagne like out on the steps afterwards and then like The celebration fades row and you're just a guy drinking on the street in New York What are you churching this up? New York, you know what I mean? You're just like a plastic champagne. What are you churching this up? It's trash. I know but it's fun. It's a good it is a cool experience. I'm saying I just imagine a guy getting dragged through in handcuffs being like I didn't do shit. Yeah Did you take your picture in the big wall in front of the big wall like the mugshot wall?

It says you're six two. You're holding up and I'm married to stupid They do have a wall. It's very six flags on the inside. You gotta pay to get your picture at the end. They have a guy walking around. You can buy flowers from him. There was Fun Fetty. You can do everything.

Like there's a guy standing out front. He's like, I'll be your witness. I have flowers. I can take pictures. Like they have a menu of services. They do. And the wall that they have, because the courthouse is so ugly, they have a fake courthouse that looks like a Southern sort of like...

Not even from New York, it's just like a clip art picture of a fucking courthouse on Google. And people were taking pictures in front of it, like it was prom or something. And so of course we did it. I mean, I was like, we absolutely have to. So I was making like all these weird faces, I can't be serious. That's just what I do. Yeah. But it was fun when you walk around, people know know, people know you're getting married to people honk. And it was fun. Very new. I remember seeing that. I saw you posted about on Instagram and I got to tell you that is not what I was fantasizing and dreaming

about that night as I was laying in bed thinking about this elaborate wedding. I pictured helicopters and flowers. My dad was flying the helicopter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. On the coast of Italy, and there was things coming down and doves flying around and little pastored doves. I mean, I'm not Whitney Houston. I can't. I mean, this is like... I don't know.

It's funny, because I had her there in the Fizz. No, I honestly, I was like, let's just do a small wedding and have... And honestly, that's way more in line with me, like comics and friends, which is a small group of friends. How do you feel about destination weddings? I think they're insufferable. Thank you.

I refuse to go, if anyone asks me to go into destination wedding and they get mad because I say no, you're a narcissist. I'm not flying to Timbuktu to watch you and your husband say yes and then three years later, pick you up after your divorce. I'm not doing, weddings just cost too much. I just, I went to seven weddings once, one year, and at the end of it, I was like, it's enough already.

It is enough. Folks, let's talk about Helix mattresses. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Foley's having a destination wedding. In Hawaii. Where is it in Hawaii? That's a close one. I just came back from Hawaii. It's four days before Christmas. I mean, it's two days before Christmas.

What are you doing? You put my business out there? It'll be flooded with paparazzi. The amount of arguments happening between couples right now when you sent out those invitations, like more divorces are going to happen before your wedding. Forget about those couples. The war going on in the apartment is insane.

She's from Hawaii. Oh, that's different. Thank you. It's still the destination for everyone in the apartment is insane. She's from Hawaii. Oh, that's different. Thank you. That's different. It's still the destination for everyone in New York. No, but I will say that changes everything. That changes everything. He's backtracking.

He's trying to be nice. That was nice. He was trash in destination weddings. I've always hated them too, but it is what it is. Just don't ask me to go to fucking Spain. You know what I mean? I mean, we're working on it. Spain's closer than Hawaii.

I'd rather go to Spain. Yes, it is. It's like a 12-hour flight from New York. It's rough going, too. Let me tell you that. Yeah. And those first-class tickets are brutal. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know. What are you going to do? And the reason it's that time of the year is because, you know, we have a lot of kids in our family, and it was best for, you know, for the kids to be out of school. Well, don't bring the kids into this. I mean, this seems like-

He's got kids falling, I tell you. We're not in court right now. There's no reason to defend yourself. My nephew's got ADD, what do you want me to do? Well, 12 hour flights, not gonna help. Oh man, you guys are gonna have to make three emergency landings Okay, so we're having fun look so since we saw you last year obviously, you know you've been touring like crazy

I'm like share. I just don't stop I just like Vellore couch and they're like Mr. Matteo show time and you like snap into it, fucking go out and just bell out a tune real quick. I'm a little upset, but Cher was promoting a Christmas album which her song is absolutely not crazy, DJ play, I'm excited. I saw her on like Good Morning America. She's like, oh, and then Stevie Wonder sang with me.

But then. I saw that, she said the same story in every interview. She did. And then Stevie said I would do it. Lady or honor, give it up. And she. I saw that she said the same story in every interview. She did. And then Stevie said, I would do it. Lady, you're honored. Give it up. And she's so famous, she acts like getting Stevie Wonder to sing on her album as a rare.

She's like, I was honored. I'm like, you're fucking Cher, lady. What are you talking about? But this interviewer asked her the most softball question. He was like, so Cher, what inspired you for Christmas album now? Which all celebrities say, like, oh, it reminded my child. I thought she was Jewish, to be honest with you.

She's her, I'm Armenian. Okay. and then she literally goes. She's like what inspired you to make the album now She goes my manager made me do it My manager wanted a new house in Malibu Translation she's jammed up on I know what Christmas album and duets me that means you're hurting for some dough That's grabbing the bag. I know what Christmas album and duets mean. That means you're hurting for some dough. Speaking of cash, all right.

What you got on you right now? You're killing it. You're killing it even more than you were last year. Has there been any silly purchases? Anything like that? More hair and now a beard. More hair and now a beard. I didn't wanna say, we were supposed to record this,

like three, I asked him like, hey, can whatever the date was, can you do whatever whatever? And he's like I can't I'm getting more hair, so I'll be out of commission for two weeks He's like but I'd love to do it after and he did the beard you said I did I can't tell anything on the beard I threw on a beer. I just never had this and I was like, you know what? I'm bored And where did they pull that from from under here? No kidding, but this is like super easy.

This they tack on and four days later you're good to go. But this is still like, I just sprayed my hair with that fiber spray so it didn't look like, because this the hair they put in here is like starting to fall out. But they just really like lined me up. And so I have to wait for April for it to come back in. Is this like a thing you have to do?

You have to maintain it or it should be good now? No, no, I just bored. I wanted more. You can shave and everything and it would come back? Yeah. No kidding. Man, I'd love to get rid of this shit down here. It's not brutal.

I mean, that grows back though, right? It could pull it out. I don't know actually. I don't know. But it's better to have less down here. It makes the cleanup easier. Yeah, I guess so. I've just never had this before and I'm really enjoying it.

Now I look like I could sell cell phones at a kiosk in a Jersey mall, but you know. You know. I am enjoying it. Need I look like I could sell cell phones at a kiosk in a Jersey mall. You are. You are. I need a pager. Yeah. So that was the big move. Did you guys, did you stay in the same apartment you were in? Yeah, staying in the same apartment now. And I like my apartment. Also, I'm gone a lot.

So really, at this point, it's just easier than thinking about a move and this and that. And he's going to start working soon. So it honestly works out great for us. That's not bad. He should type. I don't know if he talked to, what kind of car are you whipping around?

Do you have a car or no car? I don't have a license. No license. My license, I got rid of my license when I moved to New York. It expired and I was like, I'll get to it eventually and then I haven't. Does he drive?

No, under no circumstances. So we're just Ubering everywhere. Honey, he's for looking. He's not a thinker. No, he's very smart. Sure, yeah, I'm kidding. No, neither one of us has licenses. So we just take the train or walk or...

I'm in a good neighborhood. I'm in the West Village, so it's easy to sort of get to all the places I need to go. Had you ever lived with anybody before? I mean, just roommates, but not like a romantic... Just roommates. Did you guys have anything other before you got married? lived with anybody before? I mean, just roommates, but not like a romantic relationship. Did you guys have anything other before you got married? Was he in there and you guys were doing like the couples? We were doing like a back and forth, back and forth.

OK. But I mean, honestly, it was a pretty smooth transition. And no, who's making the bed? Me, I'm making the bed. Who's doing that? Me, I'm more particular. OK. He's like, I made the bed.

And I'm like, it looks like shit. I'll do it. So I'm the native Bionapole of it. It does. I like it a certain way. And so I I made the bed and I'm like, it looks like shit. I'll do it. So I am the maid of my own home in Teyo. It does. I like it a certain way. And so I'm making the bed. That's my job. And you're cleaning the apartment.

You're handling all that stuff. We both clean, but he does the laundry more than me. Which I like. Washer and dryer in the unit? No. Where you got to go? In the building? We got to walk downstairs and give it to a lady

and then she does it for us. But they're very nice. You just said he was doing the late take in the long. Okay. But he's really strong. He's gotta stop and get a latte after him. I just picture him going, whoo, that was dumb,

is sipping a macchiato or something? Oh my God, I really sound so highfalutely. We love it. In my post marriage, I'm so not trash. I'm like, oh no, someone does that for me. Sure. But it sounds glamorous, but when you're in New York, you're walking up all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dropping it off and screaming. I'm shocked that you do fluff and fold, to be honest with you, as particular as you are. You like their detergent and all that stuff? Yeah, I mean, they do a great job. I just want the bed to look nice. That's it. What do you, are you getting anything dry cleaned?

What do you get dry cleaned? I don't even know what dry cleaning is. Not to sound like Jerry Seinfeld. I don't even know what dry cleaning is not like Jerry's Seinfeld I don't know what that I'm like a shirt like that. You're just getting that washed three dollars from buff I got this in Buffalo $4,000 Everything you wear looks real classy look it looks expensive What's the vacuum cleaner situation over at the house?

I have just a normal vacuum. Dyson? No, I got a Dyson, because my friend Sean was like, get a Dyson. You got two. But it's so powerful. What am I sucking an alien? This is like, it's so powerful.

And then my rug, which was expensive, is getting ripped up, so I just have a normal, went to Best Buy, got a vacuum, that's it. Okay. Any cleaning person coming in once a month or anything? Yeah, I have a cleaning person. Me and Liz from the cellar use the same girl and she's great.

How frequent? Every like maybe like twice a month. It's good. I just want someone to like, you know, deep clean the tiles and stuff. Do you clean up before she gets there? Of course. Yeah, have to.

Yeah, have to. I can't see her move. I'm thinking filth, you know. And then Rod Rico gets me thinking, but that's her job. I'm like, no, clean. I'm embarrassed. Give me a blue chew, baby. I'm hard right now. Got a hot one tonight. Look out Louisville slugger down there. gang Ed is no laughing matter Do yourself a favor you having trouble getting things going go over to the blue chew they send Ed medicine right to your door Yeah, you got no awkward conversation with your doctor You don't have to wait at the pharmacy getting that eye from the guy going on what up little limp noodle Nope, none of that happens and you shouldn't be ashamed. Blue Chew offers the same ingredients

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We got a couple of questions that we wanna follow up on. I have one, do you remember or did you listen to DJ Delilah after dark? Did you listen to Delilah? Delilah? Of course. First of all, 93.9 the light and she came on. Sounds religious.

And every, this is Chicago. I thought she was just Chicago. Everyone always thinks she's local to them And she would always give the worst advice like some of the call and they're like everyone in my family's dead She's like I have a perfect song for you And then the Christmas season she'd come out shows up that like shit like Michael's piano music behind her God she was insufferable. She's the worst advice. She's like a three-time divorcee. She's like Yeah, well banging out there. Is she yeah, we caught we're banging. I mean, she's still she's still on the air

Yeah, but she's in full rem. I mean she is putting in the least amount of effort delight But isn't it funny? We all know her that no one really spoke about her some years later? Huh. Shame base, you listen to her in shame. Well I think I heard her in a Target or something like that or a CVS. I never heard of her, I guess she wasn't in my market. Really?

No, yeah. No, no, no. No breakup years in high school or college, you throw her on in the car? I don't know where she would have been. I knew all the stations growing up in here. She was syndicated nationally. She came out at like six like six o'clock right president Steve had a pretty good grasp on the Philadelphia greater Philadelphia area Okay, well speaking in this realm is a question. We've been asking who was the most famous person you met before you started doing comedy

It could be like a local select at the Lila s character or like you know well I got a letter from Obama. What? So I painted because I used to be an artist. I mean, I still have an artist, but as a job. And I was I was living in Chicago and a friend who worked at the Obama headquarters downtown Chicago knew that I draw and they said, you know, do you want to do this mural? So I did this big mural for like the Obama headquarters painted it, you know, spent a whole week doing it. And then a week later, I got a letter from President Obama and he handwritten and a thank you. Wait, he was president at the time?

Yeah, yeah. It was, it was his, yeah, in the middle of it, the beginning of his second term or so, I don't know, it would have been, before I moved to New York. Type down or handwritten. Part of it was typed and then he wrote at the very end. Was it his real signature?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I looked, I was like, is this a stamp? Oh yeah. Yeah, he started holding it up to the light and stuff. Damn, that's pretty good. That's all right. But you didn't meet him. Yeah, no.

Can you recall someone you've met maybe? Local celebrity, athlete. A Chicago celebrity. Musician. Oh my god, I don't know. I can't think of that I met anybody. I mean, like someone from the real world? Yeah, that's not great.

I know. Huck. Like three people from the real world. Yeah, that's not great. I know. I fuck. Like three people from the real world actually. Real world Chicago? No, there was this girl, I forget her name now, but she was at a Hollister. And my cousin and I chased her down. We're like, are you from the real world? This is in Schomburg Mall.

Chasing somebody out of Hollister's, all right. Those are like my celebrities. Sure, yeah, no, that counts. Yes, yes. What was the first concert that you ever. Sure, yeah, no, that counts, yes. What was the first concert that you ever went to? Mariah Carey's Emancipation of Mimi. I went with my friend Sophia. How old were you?

I would have been. And your star was born. This is 2005, so I probably would have been like 19. Okay, so you guys went yourself, it's not like your parents dropped you off or anything like that. Yeah, no, we were already living in this city, so we took the train, it was at the United Center,

and where you guys will be soon. Woo! Catching a Bulls game. She was late as she usually is. And I remember this gay guy yelling, he's like, your hair looks fine. You know, like that was sort of. That's the big gay heckle.

Because you know she is back there, like, you know, curling her hair. Of course. So they're like, just get out. We just want to hear you sing. Uh-huh. OK. Have you started to do you sing. Uh-huh. Okay.

Have you started to do any of that on the tour or anything like that? Is there anything going on in the green room that we'd want to know about? Do you have a posse? Do you roll with an entourage? No. I usually have one opener. I kind of switch around friends like Amina Imani, Ethan Simmons Patterson, Chrissy Cello, sorry, Chrissy Summers.

She got married. And I put on Samara Joy, my favorite jazz singer, and we just hang out and my ride was pretty small and we just chit chat. What are we talking on the ride? What's on that rider? I have peanut butter and bread, and I usually have a meal, chicken and rice, vegetables,

and just water and coffee. Peanut butter and bread? Fruit, I have a plate of fruit, I like strawberries. Do you get the dip in the center, the sour cream and cream cheese dip. No, no Yeah, what's that all about like a nice Sammy but it's like white bread like just normal you guys are all just in there making cheap sandwich What are you doing with that?

Because I eat that many carbs. Yeah, I'm stunned. I know well. I used to hold things to share I know I know what's gonna be at the Wilbur dressing room Yeah, that's it, you know and I do like well so I when I used to open for a Z's like his rider was very small And so one up for some reason you always had peanut butter and bread and so we have the same tour manager So just pretty much whatever had a Z's had just throw on mine. Are you eating it? Yeah, like you know, it's like nice snack. Like sliced white bread. Yeah. Or you make a sandwich. Yeah.

Like a whole sandwich or a half, a half, a little snack. It's like a little snack. No, like a one piece of bread and a peanut butter. Yeah, yeah, a little halfie and then you fold it together. Yeah. He likes an incredibly dry mouth before he goes insane. I guess you're right. What's the...

Not enough milk in the world to get me ready to perform after crushing his sleeve with fucking PB and J sandwiches. You can be up there like Martin Landau Like a dog with a hair in his mouth. I'm getting such a complex like is that weird? Oh my god We were doing it Alright, I get it hooker. Well, what's on your guys's writer? We have one hold on what peanut butter. What peanut butter? Always jiff. Always jiff. Chunky or smooth? Smooth. Okay.

I mean, I would go with chunky, but if Peter Pan, you're disgusting and skippy, disgusting. I'm a skippy man. Are you? I like a skippy. I like a jiff too. I don't hate it. Moms prefer jiff. They do. Well, my stepmom did at least. If it was almond butter or something like that, I could see. And I can't see you eating regular plain white bread. I do.

Crazy. I know. Is that in the house right now? No, not right now. It's not. Right now, I order all my meals frozen because I can just grab them and go. Even still.

Yeah, it's like, you guys don't go to the grocery store. Sunday afternoon. You were cooking last night because I texted you by accident. No, that was at Pepe Roso was I was eating meatballs at Pepe Rose My dog my dog's been sick and I try to text my wife houses appetite and I texted me to you houses appetite Like was he sent me back a bowl of pasta with a heavy and meat three in the morning I'm sorry. I knew it wasn't for me, but I still indulged.

I was like, well, I mean, I know it was so funny I was eating at that moment. You sick fuck. That's your move right there. I tell you, get in with these two hot guys. What are you eating right now? That was your appetite. I was going to be like, it's fine. I tell you, get in with these two hot guys. What are you eating right now? How's your appetite? I was gonna be like, it's fine. What's yours, freak show?

I don't know. Oh, that's adorable. I got an appetite for a tight bod, if you guess what I'm doing. I got a hankering for some Matteo sandwiches. Okay, all right. Peanut butter, white bread, coffee, water, fruit. And which I never understood. I finally understood why riders exist, and I thought it was just like, white bread, coffee, water, fruit. And which I never understood.

I finally understood why riders existed. I thought it was just like, I want this stuff, get it. But it's like, there's no available food and or drinks at a theater. Like I had a comedy club, there's a kitchen, like hey, we'll make you a salad, a sandwich or whatever or whatever. But at a theater, you're like, oh, there's actually no food

or anything on the premises. One of my favorite things I ever heard at a comedy club, I was doing the Addison Improv which is a great club in Texas and the green room is right next to the bar where they're making all the drinks and obviously my audience has a lot of gay men and it was so funny because at one point the bartender just yells, We're out of olives. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Danny what's a negroni? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Holy shit.

But back to the thing, are you getting your hair cut in there or anything like that? Any type of stylist or makeup person in there with you? No, that seems so. Okay. That would put so much stress on me to think that someone's there to do my hair. No, I'll do my own hair. I just paid for it. Oh, my gosh, this.

I'm just getting more hair implanted into each. That's how I paid for my surgery. It's in my rider. One graph per week. So I'm touring so much. Do you wear the outfit that you're gonna wear to the theater or do you bring something that you're gonna change into this?

No, usually, yeah, I just wear my outfit. I usually would just wear something like this. I wear like a T-shirt to change. Something casual and you're gonna wear to the theater, or do you bring something? I'm gonna change into this. No, usually, yeah, I just wear my outfit. I usually just wear something like this. I wear a T-shirt to change. Something casual, and you'll just wear that to soundcheck and then whatever. Yeah, soundcheck and light, I'm very big on. Me and Nicole Byer just co-headlined for the Hawaii Theater in Hawaii.

Very nice. And she was like, the show started at seven, and I was like, okay, let's get there at five for soundcheck, she goes, why? I go, what do you mean why? And she was like, I just kinda show up. I was like, oh, let's get there at five for soundcheck. She goes, why? I go, what do you mean why? And she was like, I just kind of show up. I was like, oh, under no circumstances. So I'm there.

I know exactly what I like. We do the same thing. Yeah, she was fascinated. Love the soundcheck and I love the lights a certain way. Get the vibe and the sound guy, the roadie dudes, all that kind of stuff to tech people. It's fantastic. All right, okay.

I got one or two about growing up as well. Have you ever owned your own tennis racket or golf clubs? No. No and no. Never. Racket ball? No this sports. I mean the closest I got to was that Magic Wand my uncle Mike made me that had a tennis ball taped to a stick and my cousin Brian and I thought we were fairies. Huh okay. What were the posters in the room growing up? Well, when high school was trying to hold a facade, there's a lot of Halle Berry. That's a good one. Yeah, but then I mean when I was a kid, it was trying to hold some facades then. When it was a kid, it was like, I guess like X-Men, Star Wars. Okay. And then

now it's the same thing. It's X-Men. It's a lot of X-Men, I do. I just got a lot of triple X-Men. All 151, the original Pokemon cards, and I brought it to a framer, and he had them all framed. What? Next to it, it's my, like, crime.

Not an achievement. Yes. I never thought about that. It's huge, too. What is the core of the apartment? You have that hanging up, like, in the house? It looks great. And everyone who's got, like, a task-grab it,

who comes in, they're like, oh my fucking god, like, everyone just like in the house? It looks great. And everyone who got like a task rabbit who comes in, they're like, oh my fucking God, like everyone just stares at it. It's great. I had someone decorated for me because I do not know how to decorate at all. So I found a guy and he was great. Okay.

And I just put everything where he told me to and then I just sort of leave it. Never was like, your apartment looks great. It's like I had nothing to do with it. So you have posters, the X-Men covers and stuff like, is it more art or, I mean X-Men covers and stuff like, is it more art or, I mean, I know that's all art, but is it more art or is it more poster?

It's like, I have, You get what I'm saying? Yeah, are they in frames of any kind? Comic books and I have like a whole shelf and wall of like, I get old Game Boys that are remade and I have like video games Pokemon and I have X-Men and I have, but then I have my paintings I put up as well. Okay.

There's not that much wall space in my apartment. Wait, the Game Boys, you have them in like cases on the like hangover? No, if you go on Etsy, people remake original Game Boy colors and they can make them really cool, like modern, looking with bright screens. And so I play a lot of Game Boy games. So, and by Game Boy games Pokemon.

And so I just have like a little like shelf of them I love on display. Yeah, huh? Did not expect that I like it. I mean I really am nerding out me and Dan soda. We're talking last night He got this thing. I forget what it was called But you can play any video game on it like Sega and something that he's like why fucking love it I play it all day. So it's a pretty good soda. Yeah, so there's so Fucking funny. It was the funniest.

Yeah, yeah. Absolute best. All time fave. Love them. Do you remember any of your AOL screen names? It was Metroid 986. Okay. And that was it.

I loved Metroid. I still love Metroid. Metroid 986. And 986 was like me and my cousin mixed our birthdays together. Like the numbers I guess. The 986, yeah. 986. I just started my cousin mixed our birthdays together, like the numbers I guess. The 986, yeah, okay. 986.

I just started creeping into video games again. We got the, we got Luca PlayStation 5 for Christmas, but there was like an issue with the shipping and stuff like that. So my girlfriend, just to be nice, ordered one on the low. So in case that one didn't come, we had it for him. So I got to keep the other one. Nice.

So I went through Battlefront, played that, but I was texting him last night trying to find games to play. Fortnite. I was looking for Metroid. Call of Duty. I can't do Fortnite. Well, if you want, you gotta get a Switch because they have all the classic games on there.

Oh, then they have Metroid, and then they have Super Metroid, my favorite game of all time. Okay. He called me and he goes, I can't figure out these puzzles. I need a game with no puzzles. Yeah, what's with the puzzles?

They have Metroid Prime from GameCube on there. He's just playing Bong on it. You're playing E.T. from Atari. Ah, I love that. Don't get me started. I remember embarrassing myself from front of an ex-girlfriend when they reissued E.T. in the theaters. It was probably like 2000, 2002.

They put it in theaters. And we were on the rocks anyway. We went to the movies and, and man I came out of there I was like hysterically balling crying. I was at a bad spot mentally sure but man that had some other stuff going on what do you mean he leaves it's the saddest thing ever he was 33 like ET gave me a it was like a didn't I didn't feel good I knew she was breaking up with him because she crossed, we were like walking out and I was like, oh my God. Like hysterically crying and people are kinda,

she walked across the street and like walked down on the other side. I was like, this thing ain't gonna work out. Sounds like a smart brawl if you catch my drift. I cried on a plane one time watching Coco for the first time, but for some reason the plane was empty and I was doing some show in Scotland, it was years ago and there was a British flight attendant

and so I was, I mean losing it, like losing it. And the flight attendant was like, I've never got a bit of this sniffle. She, what would you get your from the back? I was like, I'm not blowing you. Okay, how many upgrades did you get me? I was like 58 Q. Somebody just told us this.

I can't remember who it was that you cry more on an airplane because of the oxygen Yeah, the the altitude makes you there's like a physical thing to it where you are more emotionally Charged or unstable also Screen in front of you and it feels very like your own yeah, like you're like in your head. You're also like I am What if we don't have a show it's I'm pretty wasted. Really? Drink on planes?

What? If we don't have a show? It's crazy. Woo! It's crazy how much he will. And I'm a fucking boozebag. And I six hours, seven hours, eight hours flight, up front, all cozy. He'll put down like 20 Bloody Marys.

Really? And put my movies on. What did you drink? It was on the way to... We went to fucking Orlando. And I mean, I think it was like 12 Bloody Marys. 12? It was crazy. I think he's looking over me. That's like a two hour flight. Dude, it was like 12 Bloody Marys. 12? It was crazy.

I think he's looking over me. That's like a two hour flight. Dude, it's like 90 minutes. He's like, why aren't you drinking? I'm like, I gotta get a rental car when we get here. Like I can't fucking show up, smell like tomato juice. I love drinking Bloody Marys on a plane and watching movies.

And that's where I fell in love with the Zins because you can pop a Zin. It's like having a heater on the plane. What's a Zin? Like a little nicotine pouch. Man. He turns it into club Foley up there. I love it.

Really? Yeah. And I remember your sleep machine is airplane noise. That's the real thing. I get cozy up there. Well, when we take off, the pressure that puts you back, like it's like a, remember my weight blanket which I got rid of.

I just fall asleep every time we take off every time. I'm just like not off Hmm. I love it you show it at night you show her in the morning Sometimes both usually I shower right after the gym so which what's that schedule in the morning usually in the morning? Okay, eight nine o'clock and set an alarm every day on date your day off Even in my day off. Do I see yeah, I'll give you got nothing going on, you're like, I'll just... I'll do like 9.30. I don't sleep that late, to be honest with you. Okay. Do you, even with spots and touring,

do your sleep go into bed at night? Is it pretty steady to a degree? I will say that going to bed varies depending on how late I'm playing Fortnite, or I have spots, but I never have issues sleeping. I fall asleep that. And I've never had problems with it, and I always get a good night's sleep, yeah.

I always do well with sleep. And do you guys sleep well together? Do you guys have compatible sleep modes? We do, but he talks in his sleep, and then when he talks, he giggles. So it's really jarring. It's like a dark room, and also it's like, no, no, I want the big one. I love that. And it's in Spanish and now it's some sort of demonic presence next to me

Just throw in a holy water at that motherfucker. He's still giggles that the giggling really throws he has conversations with himself It's odd. I did that once I saw it laughing at my sleep same girlfriend. She woke me up. She's like what the fuck is wrong with you? Okay She woke up. She's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I don't eat the, I don't know. I don't know. There you go, buddy. Okay. If you're at someone's house, will you go through their medicine cabinet? No. No.

I won't. I'm not that curious. You won't peek. No, I don't know. I don't know why. I don't have it. I feel so boring. No.

I barely have a rider. I don't go through people's medicines cabinet. No. I mean, those two things don't make you boring. I guess so. One of them makes you a drug addict. That's true. That is true.

I was looking for the other makes you a nice guy. Do you guys go through people's medicine cabinets? Yeah, the little snoopy. What? No, not really. Not really. But I mean, I'm sure I have. She's googling medications to see what you're dealing with.

It's never it's never a pill. Maybe there was a point a time in my life for a few months where it might have been for medications just seeing what's there. But usually it's just you know, curiosity. What do you know what's going on? What's going on? I would just ask them what's in your that's crazy. Yeah, why not? I would say what the hell. The hell's wrong with you? I guess so. I think medicine I take, I keep in a cabinet in my, cause my medicine cabinet's like, it's so small. Yeah, there's nothing in a New York medicine cabinet.

You can't show it. It's anything, it just falls out all the time. So everything I need to take, like daily vitamins and stuff, it's all in a cupboard in the kitchen. I pull a thing out and take that. Okay. Yeah.

Good to know from ever at your house. Ha ha ha. Speaking of kitchen, what kind, do you have Tupperware and is it plastic or glass? I have no Tupperware. No Tupperware. No, I have shelves with all of my plates and stuff on it so it's like easy to grab.

Is that exposed, like so, is there doors on that or no? No, that's exposed. Purposely exposed. Very nice. And then that's classy. It is kind of classy, but I have this. Very classy. I had someone else do it.

I forget, do we own or do you rent? I rent. You rent, okay. But next year I'll probably buy. My friend Nick's like, I wouldn't buy right now. Just keep renting. I'm like, all right. Would you buy, are you gonna buy in the city?

Of course, yeah. Okay. I'm gonna live here until I die. I'm gonna be like Fran Leibowitz. I'm just gonna be a curmudgeon old lesbian smoking until I'm in my early hundreds. Shout out to it. Uh.

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to see if you're instantly approved. That's ladder, L-A-D-D-E-R, life.com slash garbage, ladderlife.com slash garbage, do it gang, you'll thank us later. Huh, how do you feel about a Hibachi restaurant? Stressful and- That's the best answer, dude. And usually invites a very strange collection of people,

but they are fun. But then, you know, the thing is like, talk about portion control, like, I don't know how much I've eaten because they keep bringing you, first of all, I shouldn't be, like when you go to the plate, like the Korean barbecue, you cook your own meat. I shouldn't be trusted.

And secondly, I just love it, but it's tough. Food to be like, to have someone like do this dance in front of you, like the amount of, the ag, they don't want to do it. So now I'm just watching some guy like pretending onions are all volcano and who knows what's going on in his mind. He did the volcano again.

I can't. Well, you catch it if they flip it to you. It's just so stressful. I can't do it. How do you feel about communal tables like that? I hate them. I want to gossip and talk with my friends. I don't want to meet strangers.

I don't care. You know, I don't. Oh, it's your birthday. That's amazing. Where are you from? I don't care. Will you start singing and say, you don't know it's your birthday. That's amazing. Where are you from? I don't care Well, you so will you start singing say you didn't know us but me and Toby are at a table and where am I? You're the hell is it you're working?

Me out of the birthday dinner One time I was alright Kevin's there. Oh, Jesus one time I was at a restaurant in LA and I was having dinner with the coal buyer and some Because it was someone's birthday and they were singing like Happy Birthday. The staff's singing like, Happy Birthday to another table. To another table.

Gotcha. And Nicole was like, that was a horrible rendition, Mateo, I will Venmo you $1,000 right now if you go sing Happy Birthday to them. I said, really? She goes, yeah, I said send it right now. She sent it. I walked right up to the table.

I was like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. I did a whole thing. And I sang to some famous football player. I had no idea idea was a football player He was so hot and then afterwards if you guys heard of Tom Brady Tom Brady I would know I don't Know my friend Donnie knew because in the video friend took Donnie knew I should call Donnie right now like who's a football player. I sang to he would know it was Emmett Smith

I should call Donnie right now. Like who's a football player I think to? He would know. It was Emmett Smith. Like Joe Montana. It was Walter Payton. The ghost of Walter Payton. All right, so other than that, if we're at a table, you won't,

if the restaurant starts singing, will you chime in? I mean, I might clap. I don't know, you know. So you wouldn't sing in like, you wouldn't, cause you could sing. You wouldn't start going for it. Would you? I Guess it's a bad. It's not a no. I mean if well Depends how many martinis you got the napkin over your head you're doing filler on a roof

I'm very much like care like a karaoke though I literally will go and pay the DJ $20 to skip the whole line to sing Whitney Houston and blow everyone out of the water Lee Really breaks out his own microphone follow that You pull out your own golden microphone That's not cool dude, you can't do that. It is it feels amazing One high note people lose their minds Yeah, it's I just that's something I do do all down hill for this ruin everybody's night

Yeah, go. Let's hear your version of Eminem you asshole Stay or do you dip out of the bar immediately? Autographs he's selling merch. mean, I sign in autographs. He's selling merch out front. I get my standing O and I go home. After a couple costume changes. Yes. Oh.

You're peanut butter sandwiches and I'm out. It'd be pretty funny you just going around to karaoke places in the city just crushing everybody. I used to do that in Chicago. That would make the news if you hit like 10 in one night. Did I say this in the last episode? I used to do that in Chicago. I get wasted in Boys Town with my friends.

It's like two o'clock in the morning and I lived right by this karaoke bar called Trader Tods. I think it was called and I would go in, waste it, give them 40 bucks and sing and leave. I was, oh, a star. There's somebody out there. You're gonna meet your match. Someone's gonna go up right behind you and they kill it.

Are you going back? One time I did karaoke with Larry Owens and I was like, I probably shouldn't sing again. Larry Owens is so goddamn talented. But my singing crew, by karaoke crew, is like me, Larry Owens, Alex, English, Omini Mane, and Marie Faust in City Washington. We go, we have a great time.

Nice, nice. That's funny, man. Sorry to go back to the shower. Please. Do you have a traditional tub in in your apartment or is this? Not like a claw tub, not like the ten minute apartment. No, not a claw tub, but like a regular tub. So you turn the water on in the front.

You have to turn the sink on to get the water hot. So I have to wait like, if I'm going to shower, I got to turn the sink on to get the water running to get the hot water going. It sounds like a dump. Wait, just sink. Because it does, it takes so long for the hot water to get the water running to get the hot water going. It sounds like a dump. Wait, that's sick. Because it takes so long for the hot water to get up there. So I just try and get the water going just so by the time I turn on, I can get in the shower.

I'm standing there and waiting like an asshole. Cold water flat on the lower east side? That's old school. Yeah. OK, you got the hot water going. Yeah. You got the hot water going in the shower. Are you getting in the front where the faucet is?

No, back. You're getting the back. And I slowly emerge my way in. Yeah, you're in the water. The front would be so dramatic. Hey, Rawdolph, fossil is back in the back and I was a little gentleman my weight yeah okay in the water run would be so hey Rawdall dramatic crazy front just I love your face gotta be a mess no I usually put a karaoke song on and then I sing and you warm up my boy I usually do like hopelessly devoted to you that's a good warm-up song okay grease Olivia Newton John and Mariah Carey,

a lot of Mariah in the shower, my neighbors hate me. That's funny. Did you have a graduation party from high school? Just with my cousins. Okay. Sure, everything's with my cousins. Is that in the backyard at the house? Either my aunt or my cousin's house.

So every cousin has a cousin their age, and so when there's a graduation, a baptism, or a communion, or a confirmation, so every summer, since I was zero till I was like 25, there was some kind of party. And I did all of mine with my cousin Kelly, because she's the same age as me. So we had a graduation party. Ours was in my backyard that year. We ordered lasagna from a place called Fellini's, which is great.

They're a great Italian restaurant all night tonight. That's what I was looking for. I like it. Fellini's lasagna. Fellini's lasagna on a hot summer day is nuts, dude. It's fucking June 18th. You're sweating it out. No pool in sight.

He's lasagna. We don't have a pool either, so it was hot. What are your thoughts, feelings, impressions on surprise parties? Do you like them? Do you hate them? I've never had a surprise party for me, and I've really put it out there, and I've never had one. You've won it. Because I think it'd be fun, but I've never had a surprise party for me, and I've really put it out there, and I've never had one.

You've worn it one- Because I think it'd be fun, but I've never ever had one. But I like surprise, but I'm not like that SNL lady, like, it's a surprise, you know, but they could be fun. It's fun for that moment, and then I, you know, you wanna go home. I'm not a big party person.

Okay. What do you do for your birthday? Small group of people for dinner? Maybe like dinner with five friends or something. And you pick up that bill? No, they can't. Usually I do pick up the bill when I go out to dinner, but I let them take care of it.

Right. I assume most people that you're going out to dinner with now, you're picking up the check too, right? I usually pick up the check. Yeah. It's all right. Depends. Sure, sure, sure.

Have you been to a TJ Maxx or Marshalls in the last 30 days? No, but I did go, I've been doing this series where I just go to places I worked at other stores. So I went to Michael's, the container store. I went to Target the other week. But TJ Maxx, that's all closed, like Marshalls and stuff. I guess TJ Maxx, you can find house stuff.

They have some house stuff, but yeah. They have good snacks too in the back. At TJ Maxx they do? They're all old dude, some house stuff, but yeah. They have good snacks too in the back. T.J. Maxx, they do. They're all old dude, dude. You know it's bad because there's only one bag at popcorn or something. You're like, this came by itself, this ain't good. But it's like David and Anthony or whatever that company is.

They do the chocolate covered popcorn, it's awesome. I love caramel popcorn. I mean, really, it's so good. Were you a tri-colored family with the... The Big Ten? We had carrots in Chicago And they made just the cheddar and then they had the Caramel in the same box and it's together, but I would always dig out the carmel. Yeah wait. They were mixed in together

Mm-hmm. Well, that's disgusting. I know what it's great. Yeah, it's actually there is no thing I'm almost positive cheese popcorn and yeah, it? Yeah, it's a, yeah, Garrett. I think it's called Garrett. You put a divider. What are we doing? You can get them separate. Every time you walk by it, it smells like caramel. I don't know.

That looks all right, man. The gourmet mix. Yeah, that's what I had. Yeah. That's all right. That's all right. It's got me dead to right, Dadio. You'd be shocked.

You'd be shocked. It's really good. Yeah, it looks great. Damn, okay. All right. Now what I'm doing when we get to Chicago. Oh, it looks great. Damn. Okay. All right. Hmm. Now what I'm doing we get to Chicago Okay, you guys are going soon. You should go to a carrots. It's downtown. Yeah. Yeah Tell us about that. You got me over Portillo's Have you been to Portillo's yet, of course, okay, what do you get you got a good Italian beef half dipped like a light dip

Right, and then you get I get no onion I don't even remember. Yeah Along those lines. Yeah, I feel like I didn't I got a hot dog there or sausage we did cheese fries Chicago dogs Yeah, all the way baptized dunked it The cheese fries are really guy with me and Lisa trigger both from Chicago and last time I was there I took a picture of Portills and she goes, please tell me you got cheese fries and I just like scrolled to the right and there was the cheese. It is fucking good. It's the best cheese sauce. It's not even sauce it's just yellow it's just you're eating fries with yellow.

The last time we were there Professor Pizza brought some... Susie, you know Professor Pizza? I do not. I do not know Professor Pizza. Oh. Is he Italian? Yeah. Really? Yeah so he's like, he's a huge comedy fan and he does every, but like, what kind of pizzas do you want?

And he has this. In Chicago? I just did the Chicago Theater and I got no such call from Professor Pizza. Professor, hit him up! Professore! I mean, it was. Makes a mean pie.

He made us like five different pizzas. Brought a deep dish. Oh, whatever. Everything. Really? Yeah. He does a whipped ricotta in like one of those bags that you would ice a cake with. Isought a deep dish. All, whatever. Everything. Really? Yeah. He does a whipped ricotta in like one of those bags that you would ice a cake with.

Is he a white lady? He might be. I didn't assume he's just a white woman. He loves a whipped ricotta. Unbelievable. Nothing makes a white woman wetter on a Sunday morning with her friends. Well, call me Mrs. Ryan, baby. Because I'm slipping out of my chair over here.

We just got a couple of bucks on us, baby. We're all about whipped ricotta. You ricotta whip it up bring it to me I don't understand whip ricotta ricotta. They're kind of way have refined palates. You're a Hardage found out about it a couple of weeks ago with ricotta toast with a little bit of honey. Oh My god, you guys are so ridiculous a little bit of honey. Oh. Oh my God, you guys are so. We're so, we're trash. Ridiculous. Dude, yeah. I mean, it's good, of course it's good.

It's the best thing that's ever been. I'm glad that ricotta's having a comeback. What else are you over? If you're over with ricotta, what are you over right now? What are you like, catch a pepe or something? That's, excuse you? Isn't that catch a pepe? Catch up in, no, catchio.

What are you talking about, the little pasta? Yeah, no, the pasta dish. Cacho. Oh, I'm sorry. The Roman way of saying, cheese, I have to make up the last time I did not realize it was such trash. I'm complete garbage last time.

When I was like, but your family shares the same van? You're putting on a show this time, baby. I know. I had to come back with some class. I really had some, I really put me in a state of analysis. You know what? You forgot who you were, to be honest with you. I did. You some, I really put me in a state of analysis. You know what? You forgot who you were, to be honest with you. I did.

You're getting a little fucking hoity-toity over here. You set up plugs in your trash and whip ricotta. Jesus Christ. And you're from Chicago. Like Anna Wintour over here. I saw her at the airport. She looked amazing. That was a great spotting, is to see Anna Wintour,

to see her there. She rocking the shades? Of course. And she had a big neon yellow jacket. She looked amazing. That's funny. Amazing. But in that same vein, like are you over like,

like do you do truffle fries? No, I don't like truffle fries. OK. Is that because you don't like the fact that it's not real truffle, it's truffle oil, or you just don't like the smell and the taste? It's just too much. I think with French fries, they really need to mind their own business. just don't like the smell and the taste. It's just too much. I think with French fries, they

really need to mind their own business. We don't have to add that much more. I agree. I'm not a fan of truffle fries. Always gives me heartburn and I think that smells horrible. I think bananas should mind their own business and so I really do. Bananas, you cannot be in a Sunday. You can't be in a salad fruit. You can't be a smoothie and bread and a muffin and you are, let's, you gotta limit yourself, okay? What about caramelized bananas or like bananas foster?

No, I don't like banana anything. I like bananas. I don't like bananas in anything else besides like a smoothie. You have bananas in the house now? No, okay. Grapes, grapes have been the new thing in our house. We do a lot of grapes.

I stumbled across cotton candy grapes not that long ago. What is that? Cotton candy. Now they're like genetically modified grapes or something, they're fine. We're all going to hell. Did it, Wonka? What are you talking about?

They're unbelievable. Google Cotton Candy grapes. They're fantastic. Are we Wonka? Yeah, who's doing this? Come and see in a world of pure and pure. Let me get some Skittle of Sparragas too while you're at it, T-Bones.

You're Morten Williams singing Willy Wonka. Do you have it? I do, yeah. Cotton Candy grapesrapes. I believed you. Yeah, it's a sweet white table grape of the... The grapes were developed by horticulturist David Cain and his team at Bakersfield and have a cotton candy-like flavor.

I just don't think that food that a fruit should say it was created by. Like, to me, that doesn't sound appetizing at all. It's just a new drink. Just let's conceal the fact that everything's made in a lab. I just want some grapes. And if all the flavors were going with cotton candy, like grown at Boeing farms or something like that. Oh, the indignity.

How do you feel about barata? I feel like that's on every menu. I love barata, I love mozzarella, I love it all. Love it, love it, love it, love it. How do you get your steak cooked? Medium well. Medium well? What?

I know, I don't like blood. You think you are. I don't like blood, I don't want to see it bleeding in front of me. That's crazy. Medium well. I know, my aunt Cindy literally could literally just have it just touching the pan

and then she could eat it. I'm more like my Nana, she's like, I don't want it moving at me. She's like, make it a brick. But I like my medium well, so the little pink in the middle. I can't, but I'm not a big steak guy to be honest with you. But it's just too, you know what it is?

It's too close to, I need a few steps removed from actual literature. To me it just feels too, feels too close. I'm not a cheetah. It just feels too national geographic. That's crazy to me, medium well. For you, I thought, yeah, for a, that's a wild answer from you, I feel.

That's a big foodie you are, you know? What about like beef carpaccio? Do you like anything? Raw? No. No, I know in Italy when they're like, you know, they try and give you a carpaccio, I'm like, get it away from me.

Like it's just raw? No, I can't. I think it's awful. I think it's disgusting. I think it's disgusting. I don't like it at all. All right. Uh-oh. An uncooked hamburger?

No. I'm gonna be blown in here in the fourth quarter. I know, I'm trash. Talk about falling at the one yard line. You can't have. I like it well done and butterfly. I would catch up. I don't care how much you sing and how much you dance,

how much you roll that tongue, you are trash. What about, how do you feel about Nutella? I love, I have to keep it out of the house. I will eat a jar in a day. What are you putting on it? I love, I'll mix it with peanut butter, I'll put it on toast, I'll just spoon it. Okay.

I got a fucking pig, I'll fucking spoon it and no one will stop me, it's so good, I love Nutella. When did that come into your life? Do you remember? When I was 15, I was in Italy and my friend Giovanni showed me Nutella and I had never because I don't think it was that popular yet in the states. Yeah, no. So I had it and I was like, what is this creation? That's become a big determination of an indicator of class.

How you grew up. When the first time Nutella came in your life, because here, the only time anybody ever had it, was you had to have rich parents. You had to be a classy home. Yeah, we didn't have it in the States at all until literally went to Italy. But there it's like peanut butter.

Yeah, yeah, that's their peanut butter. And they're unfamiliar with peanut butter. They don't even understand what it's supposed to be. They think we are the fattest people that we eat peanut butter. It's crazy. What a great way to have Natale for the first time in Italy. Talk about direct from the source. I'm talking about it on tax.

Like it's caviar. It's just sugar. It's crazy. I mean, I thought you had us fucking. I thought you came in and did the complete 180. I'm trash. Put your phone apart. I know.

And trash again. We'll always get it. What's the towel rotation? How many times will you use a towel? How many are at the house? Right, we sort of rotate through two every couple days and then you switch it out. We have a bunch of towels,

but we're always doing laundry. So, you know, we keep it pretty clean. Are all the towels matching? Are they all white? They're all white and there's one purple one and I hate it, I'm gonna throw it out. What's the beach towel situation over there? Do you own any beach towels? I don't go to the beach. Okay, so

I mean, where's there a beach in New York? I mean, I have a couple of beach towels in the house. Oh I use them as regular towels. I Don't obviously I don't know beach bot. I guess if I was good if I was a regular beach go I would buy like one of those big beach sort of like blankets You know, okay, but that in a speedo. Hmm. I've seen the pictures. Yeah, I've seen you at the beach Somewhere he ain't a fucking rock away. I went to rock away. Well me need some as Patterson What's a long beach was a call along long branch or long beach? There's a couple of them That's like, you know, yeah somewhere out there and uh, it was it was fine, but There's a couple of them. One of them that's like, you know, somewhere out there and it was fine,

but there's a lot of, you know, like long island Italians out there. Sure. Looking at me and my speedo, like, the fuck is that? Oh man, you were rocking a speedo out there? Oh, I always rock a speedo. I don't give a shit. Actually, the other night I had enough money

in the world to get me into speedo. I was doing a show the other night and I was trying to do a bit about how they say gay in Italian, which is just gay. And before I finished my sense, a drunk woman on the front row, she screams, and I literally go, I'm like, did you just call me a f***ing E?

And then she didn't, and then her husband and makeup girl goes, no, no, we're watching the Sopranos right now. I'm like, the Sopranos is not Duolingo. No, no, we're watching the Sopranos right now. I'm like, the Sopranos is not Duolingo. Yeah. And what world of mob family say gay lovingly to each other? Like clearly they're saying, so I'm,

Jesus. It was really, I was so shocked by it. No, it's where we learn our derogatory terms, HBO, it's what we know. From a mob family. That's crazy. Yeah. What's the Cologne situation?

I don't wear Cologne. Nothing. All natural Yeah deodorant deodorant is like a dove. Yeah Does it go on I was wear the same stuff does it go on before after the shirt before okay? Oh, yeah Yeah, otherwise you get like it's it'd be too. I don't know I know you get the white on the especially for bigger gentlemen of our Proportion you can get jammed up What about the socks one of the socks go on? socks first and then I meant the white socks for a second. Um, the

705 tonight there the socks are on WGN Who they play they got a good squad this year you super talking about it's the socks go. Who they playing? They got a good squad this year. Especially you super talking about that. It's the cross down classic. Yeah, I could move. So you get out, right? It goes underwear, pants and then socks, or socks and then pants? Usually underwear and then socks

and then pants and shirt. Nice. Is that the way, how else would, I don't, because it's so hard. I do pants first. And then the socks. The socks go all. And then the underwear. And then the wait. How else would I do? Because it's too hard. I do pants first. And then the socks? The socks go on. And then the underwear.

And then the underwear. It's European. Big Gooper walking around. Your tidy whiteies are being. Well, man, over here. God damn it, I did it again. Are you guys tidy whiteies or boxers? Boxer briefs.

Boxer briefs. But eventually they get so loose, they just become boxers again. And I re-up, yeah. I'm tidy blacks. You're tiny. Minor blacks are good fellas from Target. They fit perfectly.

Oh, great. Yeah, I were it's I were Haines just white love him. I've always wanted to have a body where I could wear white Like underwear like that and it looked good. I do the buying it's just bad. You ain't got it, baby Oh, I think someone broke in and caught me You need those old boxers that have the clips that go to the socks. It's bad dude. It's real bad You need those old boxers that have the clips that go to the socks. It's bad, dude. It's real bad. Like, man, man.

They're stained and stuff. Yeah, dude, that's what you need. Like, you should always be fumbling with a coffee filter. Yeah, look, I'm always surprised. Get out of here. I mean, what are you thinking here, Kip? I'm fucking proud. Is this a redemption story?

Yeah, I thought it was a redemption. I thought it was going to come in. And like, you know, we we've we leaned very he's trash I mean, what are we talking about here? He's got some very classy elements about him. I know I sang opera right now I would turn it around He hands Toby 40s I let it run. Oh my god. I was wasted Whitney Houston slides a cassette across the table track, dude Come in a cassette Like it's my demo in the 80s

Ladies and gentlemen, he's on tour right now. He has a brand new podcast I never liked you and he also has his advice special out on his YouTube page He is one of the biggest touring comedians out there right now, baby So do yourself a favor go and see him ladies and gentlemen mr. Mateo. Thank you. Thank you buddy I anything else you want the folks out there? No'll hit them. Date, socials, website. When does this come out? Next week. Oh Omaha, Nebraska. I'll be there February 22nd. So... There you go. Come on out. Austin, I'm doing Austin the 16th. So there's some tickets left. Check them out. Hella Vashomen he is. Yes, 100% one of the most talented guys in the

entertainment biz. Mr. Mateo Lane. Kippy, what do you got for me? Guys, we just announced our 2024 tour. The links in the description.. Mr. Matteo Lane, Kippy, what do you got for us? Guys, we just announced our 2024 tour. The link's in the description. All tickets are on our website, rugarbis.com. Tickets are moving quick and shows are selling out, so get them while you can, baby. We love you. Thanks for the support. Love you, gang, and we'll see you next week. Peace!