Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Mike Feeney: Suburban Garbage

Episode Date: April 13, 2020

Mike Feeney joins us to talk about growing up garbage in the suburbs. What its like to have crappy first cars, having trashy neighbors, and trying to play the piano. Its a HOT one! You know Mike Feeney from stand up comedy, Kill Tony, and Legion of Skanks. Subscribe. Rate & Review. 

Welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash now here are your hosts Kevin Ryan and H Foley hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast this is our you garbage I am your hostage Foley this is where we sit down with some of your favorite comedians and we find that if they grew up classy or if they grew up trashy my co-host coming at you from an undisclosed location down there somewhere in the southern part of New Jersey Kevin James Ryan everybody hey what's up

everybody still down here in the bunker living to fight another day you know what I mean Heather and my canned foods my my cured meats we're doing it he was the first man on a lifeboat folks did not wait for women and children he was out yes that I did I had an inside tip from a guy who knows a guy who knows the guy and back in like you know early January he's like get the fuck out of town so I did his fucking his his insight but happy to be here thanks for shout out to all the new listeners all the new reviews all the new subscribers we're getting driven a lot by Lewis J Gomez we appreciate it make sure you rate review

subscribe you can subscribe on YouTube for all the full videos of the episodes and stuff like that and we appreciate the support guys absolutely thank you so much and we got another big get here on the podcast today our good pal very funny stand-up comedian he has an album out right now called raging against the routine he's on the Irish Goodbye podcast performs all over the country and let me tell you kids something else too this guy's got a tick-tock account with a fucking flamethrower on it he's hot on tick-tock he's big ladies and gentlemen our pal Mike Feeney wow what an intro I mean just yeah you know I always know

you to be one of the best hosts in terms of bringing me up on stage when we when com member when comedy existed and then even now it translates your skills translate very well I like I said you're a good host when you bring people on stage not when you're performing comedy when listen what once the once your attempt to comedy is through when you then bring up the other actual good comedians when then then you're great once you build us up in earnest we were really appreciate it I tell you what I may bomb up front but I'll never lunch in intro baby yeah I think it's a tonight show I'm waiting for the band to

strike up Mike Feeney everybody yeah I I do have some observations right up first is your name is your mid-name really James Kevin yes yeah really Kevin is it really yeah what are you fucking Schmarshmard it of course dude yeah you join me as Kevin James Ryan for literally seven years I thought it was because of Kevin James yeah you're just trying to ride that wave I'm trying to ride I'm trying to get into grown-ups 19 yeah no yeah no it's Kevin James yeah Kevin James Ryan wow and foley if anybody should be going by Kevin James to try and ride the wave I feel like you should be the the air apparent you know

Paul Blart Mall cop this time he's an astronaut he works in Space Force what I fully what I do love about your setup is you're in like pseudo darkness but you have one plant that you're making staring at itself in its own reflection and it's growing towards itself do you notice that it's very true detective yeah yeah very good eagle eyes baby I'm scanning everything here yeah I know you see you checking out the headboard and all that kind of stuff scoping around oh that's a yoga mat back there you got a nice picture nice dresser nice bed everything's all set up on my girl she does a good job this is great you got

the guitar hanging up which means I'll never come to a dinner party at your house the good part is is I'm not I don't know enough guitar that I learned like four chord I don't know how to bar chord I've hit a wall in my learning and I'm really not breaking through that threshold it seems like you stop the learning as you after the purchase you're like all right I had learned as much as I know I have to buy one after that I'm done I can play free fallen by Tom Petty and that's all I need pal because have you ever been over at somebody's house and there's like a little bit of a party some people around

and all of a sudden someone just starts playing the guitar a little bit and then all of a sudden they're singing you're like what they're missing chords going back you're like come on now can I get over here there's chicks here dude what are you doing hit the bus cover what the fuck can I throw this out there there's two things that only will bother me if the guitarist wants to be the singer and have everybody staring at him I don't mind if a guitarist comes out and has everybody else sing like campfire style that okay that's that might be okay but here's the this is the adult version of why one that's great you're at a party

and the party has a fucking piano and somebody sits down and starts fucking tickling the ivories but if somebody could play the piano that's a lot different than some schmuck trying to play fucking no woman no cry on an acoustic guitar if you can if you can fucking play the skins baby do that you got talent first off the piano is the only instrument that gets cooler as you get older yeah we were like I'm like what the fuck is this and now I look at I'm like man if I could fucking tickle those ivories yeah you had a piano in your house yeah well not the full one you had like one that was in like a

speakeasy like dude those things like yeah I mean I didn't have a fucking grand piano in the foyer you fucking idiot of course it was a fucking stand up piano question yeah have you been to the left wing of my home what do you have a grand piano kid he's like Liberace coming down the steps hello mother but I always wanted to play it and then by the way it was kind of it played itself at one point I remember that too like turn it on to play a song you just had a player piano from a mall that you guys stole one time an old western or whatever I was dressed as the bartender can be grew up in a ghost

town in the old west I was supposed to play piano when I was a kid but then my parents started price-checking a couple of pianos and that got 86 yeah you landed on the recorder real fucking quick apparently I wanted to learn how to play piano I expressed interest in that and my grandmother went so far as to get me like a like a keyboard you know I mean just like a keyboard thing and then I just never learned or tried keyboard was garbage the keyboard we had really we had the Casio keyboard and you know what the butt you hit that fucking Samba beat that's as far as I could go dude let that Samba beat run

whoa the 90s were a good time yeah that was pretty trashy man cuz you never I never you nobody ever had the stand you put it on your lap fuck the stand was an extra like 49 99 no fucking way was my mom's springer for that and the warranty were left at the store you know what I'm saying yeah dude I don't know if it's garbage but I have never bought a warranty in my no no it's the opposite warranty is garbage if cuz warranties a piece of shit tricks are the only people who buy warranties are poor trash people who don't know any better okay I always felt like it was more of like an educated thing with money of like you

hedge your bets I'm like yeah I'll give you the 39 bucks just in case anything happens that's what they want dumb people to think this whole time I've been a fucking genius millionaire over I had the insurance for the phone for a long time that it was a calling insurer something like that where I paid like 50 bucks a year or something and at the end of it like when I finally needed it they were like okay you gotta send us the broken phone that will send you a new phone for 200 bucks I'm like 200 that's what about the fucking money I've been doing it's always that way did we had what did we just buy I bought oh so I had

a I had like a sound bar for my TV for I think six I did for six years in one month and the warranty expired after six years I had a couch that has like motorized like legs like it's like you know like the feet will come up and the motor on it broke right but I'm not put gas in it what's the yeah I picture like I gotta take a nap yeah I didn't do enough oil changes on it and so you got robotic furniture that's garbage yeah well here's even more garbage it broke so now one of them is like permanently up like you can try and like use your leg power but then once you stand up it kicks back up again and we won't want to

throw it out because it's a three-seat couch and it's very comfortable and otherwise it's completely fine but they told me that not only is it out of warranty but that the motor has stopped working so and they don't make the part anymore so the guy just basically was like you're out sucks I don't know what to tell you I was coming in here to defend you as a classy individual and then you hit me with that story no what he's fucking Long Island trade I think he has like a Mets tattoo or something he's gonna Yankees first off Yankees don't ever miss merge my name but I would get a Yankees tattoo multiple times Yankees

farm team that's real garbage yeah you got a triple-a team to scrant Scranton yeah the thunder yeah the fucking the iron pigs from Bethlehem PA yeah now I say Phoenix classy and I'll tell you why no no way dude no fucking way he's long island track everybody we've had on from Long Island has never made it pass like the second question and that was literally one of my broken couch with the lights come on very nice couch I should have told you the 80s I'm sure I got a story straight before we went up against kippy so my go-to guy you know that he even doubled down on the garbage because well it's a nice couch that's a

garbage thing you don't want to throw out a nice couch even though it's fucking broken and what the fuck is a soundbar what's that was that like a sunday bar is a very fancy thing to have yeah it's cuz your TV audio is so shitty it's like just as sound it just as plays the sound from your TV and video game like the thing that goes under the TV or above the TV it's like a long sound like a woofer is it a woofer now woofer is just base don't keep saying woofer like that it's so weird right the woofer what the fuck was that did you see it literally what was that I've never seen anybody get so weird it out over a word

I like a woofer I'm not gonna be saying the full word yeah that's what's annoying you see that's why that's why I don't think he's garbage because he always calls me out on my garbage stuff and I think I repulse them fat guys can all other guys fat it's the it's not mutually exclusive all right well let's find out let's get into it here let's get into it are you garbage we got Mike Feeney on the line here as we know album out right now called rage against the routine huge on tiktok follow them everywhere Irish goodbye podcast kippy says the kids garbage I say he's a classy guy and I

have my reasons but we're here about to find out right now Mikey where did you grow up did you go up on Long Island Long Island New York and out in Suffolk County New York which is not the classy that's not the good one oh we're well aware pal yeah it was fucking I was I grew up 516 area code and then they had too many people they had to split it up and then they gave the 516 to the rich people in Nassau County and gave me the 631 so I'm gonna be a little bit of a wait I'm coming in from the island I'm waiting I'm waiting on the train the LIE is a mess I grew up in like a very you know like I don't know where in the

middle class it was but like we were suburbs you know but there was also like someone on our block had like a car on their front lawn you know what I mean but then my next-door neighbors had like a giant beautiful in-ground pool so it was really like a house-to-house space sure that's how that's what we're finding out you know the suburbs especially to because like so I grew up in like a really nice area it was all like doctors and lawyers and chip but like I was my family my dad was a like he was a steamfitter he was like he let but then he started his own company so like there was like the blue collar

guy you know like the blue collar families of the area and then like the white collar families and it's like from house to house it was like it changes yeah my house had a shed in the back that's still not finished to this day you know what I mean I was like oh we're gonna build this and then just never done unfinished projects is a real thing in my house hold so true when a bag of soil or like mulch has just been sitting out in the front lawn forever yeah my parents bags of mulch yeah my parents marriage it all just was like a series of things they were gonna keep doing but decided to quit because my dad always bitches

about that because our neighborhood is very similar that it's it's it's middle class all the way but you have new people moving in people you know buying their parents houses you know put money back into the house cleaning it up trying to get the property value up and my dad did that you know like he put a lot of a lot of work into the house and they'll be like two or three neighbors that will drive by it'll be like what the fuck you know fucking grass is overrun there's caught your cars in the fucking yeah it brings the whole property value down at the whole neighborhood you know I'm looking I'm thinking about like my

across the street neighbor owned like a spackle company my my next door neighbors were police like he was like a undercover like narcotics officer and stuff and really now that's the guy who was calling fully funny funny stories so I grew up with the you know he was the father I used to hang out with his kids because they were like closer to my age and I went away to college and then I went into the city for college and I hadn't and then my family moved my mom moved down to Florida so I hadn't gone back to I hadn't seen him in in years and then I was in Times Square like transferring trains and I saw him like on

the job he was like working with a couple of the police officers and I came up to him and was like I was like fucking 18 or something and I was like what's up Sam and like like patted his shoulder and like I gave him like hey how are you and like he just gave me like this look of being like he he initially was very alarmed and then kind of decompressed and was like yeah usually we don't we don't let people touch us when we're on the job yeah we don't we don't let idiots run up and like you know fucking smack our ass yeah give us no geese but yeah I realized also fucking Fini almost got this guy

clipped yeah he's named in there with four Dominican guys in suits you still on the job you still busting those criminals hey what do you got what do you want a wire right now you know this guy this guy's a killer right there why he pulls the Fini pulls a thing from blowing deck so I'm trying to grab my dick you see that guy grab my dick dude and I really try to grab my prick we called it we called it so Santa Reach was the town because it was right in the middle of Long Island but but it would always was referred to as like Santa Rico which I always thought was this like cool like we're like tough like

you know we call them Santa Rico and then I'm realizing now it's just because everybody was Puerto Rican I realized it was a heavily poor my neighbors were Puerto Rican everybody was Puerto Rican like that was a weird thing we grew up with diversity but a weird type of diversity like we always it was like a I always was friends with like a ton of Spanish kids ton of Puerto Rican kids ton of Asian and Filipino kids but there weren't like and a lot of like so many Jewish and Italian people that like I couldn't even tell them apart you know because Jewish Long Island Italian Long Island is the same fucking thing but

but we didn't have like I had like three black friends that were in my neighborhood and the rest of that was like that was that was the only thing where it lacks some diversity yeah did you eat over the Spanish kids houses dinner yeah a lot well they and they had five kids because of course and it was a lot of that in there it would be like you know rice and beans and stuff which I love my house but I problem was I was like such a crazy eater when I was a kid I would get so hungry I'd be like eating like plates full and then they were babies having me and they had to eventually be like yeah we got to save

food for the rest of the family you're like eating all of our food you're eating the family food yeah yeah he is a big eater man he does eat a lot first what's your mentality what are you spider-man what's your metabolism I have a very I'm blessed with a very high metabolism for now though because my dad is six one two eighty and he was not yeah and he used to be my size but here's the thing he never he worked at UPS for a while when I was growing up so he was like like manual labor like was like in that kind of shape and then he transitioned he like ended up quitting that became a stockbroker and never

since then he's been sitting down for 20 years so he's been so now it's just all Guinness and he doesn't ever he's never belonged to a gym you know what a fucking career change what goes from UPS to fucking stockbroker what is this yeah he's like a senior wealth advisor now he was he was literally like yeah he was in UPS he decided to quit with his buddy to start a small business and then right after they both quit like it was a two-prong effect of the guy who the guy who he was going into business with like got cold feet and backed out and then also he found out that like if he had stayed at his UPS for like another I

don't know like couple months or whatever they all got like crazy promoted so like he like tried to not avoid a quick narrow mental breakdown there and the midlife crisis but then yeah it came out the other side much better for it I guess did your dad go to college so he went to yeah he went to a bunch of different colleges I know he went to like he bounced around he did like a year at like Wisconsin he went to NYU for a little while but I know he got his he got his masters from from Dowling which is no longer a school anymore it was a long island school they would always play this it was like a this soap company yeah

I would always play this commercial and it had this this this little song theme that they would go and they would go Dowlings the college on a river bank on banks of the whole wide world I don't even know what that meant but that was the song that they would play every 40 seconds and now it's out of business the reason I asked is because my brother he worked on Wall Street for about 15 15 years or so and the dudes that I always liked the most like all of the people that he would bring around were the guys like that who got into it later and didn't go to some of them didn't go to college if they got if they got in like

in there in their 40s and like the 80s of the 90s they didn't they weren't college guys they were like street guys right yeah I fucking love that shit yeah they're used to selling like washing machines exactly you know you know it's selling fine angel that's easy going up to dinner selling a Kenmore double unit you know tell me this pen yeah exactly going up to dinner with them was awesome yeah all right let's get into questions here and find out mr. Feeney not looking good so far back in a line can you want to kick it off I got one for you have you ever worn an article of

echo or g-unit clothing I'm close I back in seventh grade I wore I had a fooboo jacket I mean I got a story behind it too it was my favorite jacket my mom bought it for me at like Marshall's or Kmart or something actually it's probably a Bob's discount store not the clothing that the furniture store but so she got me this it was this reversible fleece lined waterproof outside like red fucking jacket I love this thing and I went to public school up until seventh grade and then I went to this weird private school for two years and then I went to a different private school for high school but I this the seventh grade

is my first day of seventh grade and I went in the school went from seventh grade to twelfth grade which is way too many grades because of your seventh grader a senior is fucking their monsters so grown men compared to children yes so I get off the bus and I'm walking into the auditorium for like the first day on this new school of like meeting everything and as I was walking into the building I can't ever forget it there was there was like two or three like senior dudes who were both black and they just stopped to me and we're like you know what that jacket means and I was like comfortable you know I didn't know

and he just was like they all literally like leaned over me and they looked like the monstars from Space Jam how much taller they were than me they were like it's for us by us and I was like okay well I don't ever need to wear this coat again and then I never wore it again see you later African Americans big gulp huh well you know that's my that's crazy because I asked because of you know a lot of white trash kids suburbs you know like outside of the cities at that age because we're I think we're about the same age echo and G unit like that was like the coolest shit I would have never thought to ask for

a fucking fooboo shirt that's I didn't ask for it my mom just probably I know but I'm saying I would I never would have thought to ask on this show have you ever worn a fooboo yeah yeah oh yeah I mean I also had like crazy I went through that trend of like the huge like Janko jeans and shit like that yeah that's your try your this is I mean this is my style dude don't judge what was in I'm telling you no five there's no way a fucking Kennedy went to school wearing Janko's would have if you had the option I'll tell you that nobody at Spence rocking Janko jeans right nobody nobody immensely by accident wore a fooboo

shirt in front of black guys I know that much Mikey you ever wear sunglasses on top of your baseball hat never never in my life now everywhere a bandana under a baseball hat no I'm not I'm such an infrequent hat guy that when I wear hats that's the only thing I'm wearing okay there was a couple of kids couple of white kids in my junior high or high school that's more do rags well I will say they go involved oh no no they were just thought they wanted to be black I because again because my Puerto Rican neighbors where his cousin one of their cousins would come from Brooklyn all the time and hang out and he always

wore a do rag so we were at the mall he convinced me I bought a do rag in one of these kiosks but I never wore it because once I got at home I realized like that it wouldn't do for my hair what it does for his yeah it's functional yeah yeah white dudes wear them as like yo this is cool cuz black guys were black guys where I mean as it's functional right it's he Fini walking on the mall looking like JB smooth all righty moving right along I was gonna ask you do you have a sectional couch that has a built-in coaster system in it but you already got the love seat with the fucking with the robot it's a three

person baby we got luxury wash Raymore and Flanagan that's good that's good payment plans what are you talking about that's because it's so expensive yeah for poor people yeah none of you guys can afford Raymore and Flanagan you look down upon me with your nose that's why I don't chop that if I did chop that I would I would it would be on a payment plan I'm more of an I'm more of an use section myself yeah I've never got a piece of furniture that I'm not to put together myself some degree even my parents you put them together I bought from Staples and I paid the extra money to have them put it together that's

pretty good it saves you the headache for sure I mean dude every time I put a bed together almost fucking killed my wife course yeah alright have you ever tried to sell weed of course I was in college I was in college and smoked weed how everybody who smokes weed I didn't start smoking weed till I was like a senior in high school so nobody that starts smoking around that age doesn't have the thought of like but if I buy it in bulk that means I only got to sell until that what I was doing like weed math all the time sure of course you know I tried to sell in college for a little while and then I got like you know it was

never it was like I buy like an ounce like it wasn't even like a lot and then trying to split up sell like grams of people and then immediately at like house parties I was like oh this would be great at house parties I fucking make some cash and then they were like people would be like this is where we sell we're like the weed guys here and I'm like oh okay I'll just smoke the rest of it then that's all right cool I'll just smoke all that sounds good bro that's always what happens you end up smoking way too much of it wait so you got muscled out of you got muscled off the corner I got I got muscled off the

corner dog yeah the chess club really gave it to him hey beat it Feeney there's a stringer bell over here yeah dude this is a guy named Tex he was like a big fucking Texas football bleach blonde dirty blonde hair big like grizzled thing he was yeah he was he liked to scrap dude I don't I don't fuck with anybody named Tex anybody that goes by the name Tex you you operate in any way you want to operate big man that's all you especially if they're not from Texas now he was garbage he's the reason that I've never done cocaine because I watched him in a house party one time everybody it was one of those house parties it was like

really late at night it was getting to the early morning hours and I guess a bunch of people started to leave but then a bunch of people went into the kitchen and it was only him and I in the living room and he just set up like six rails and then just did them one by one and then just was like like staring at me afterwards and I'm like that's the grossest thing I've ever seen I don't need to do that I don't think oh man fully only if you met Tex back in the 90s you wouldn't you wouldn't be fucking you would be where you're at right now I know that much yeah coax gross am I right kids yeah that was it also was in

college when I realized I all my friends were doing blow like a lot you know like we you know on the weekends and shit and you know Wednesdays whatever dollar beers you know so you get they would do everybody would do blows like and we'd stay up till I never did it but why we would stay up till seven in the morning drinking and then after like you know a year or two of that I'm like oh they're only up because of the blow I'm like I'm just an alcoholic you know I'm like dude it'd be like six in the morning they're all like fucking strong out and I'm like barely keep my eyes open I'm like I gotta keep drinking just like a

fucking you feel like a kid we're like isn't it cool how late we're staying up exactly I was like this is awesome yeah let's party they're all like yeah let's start a business dude yeah that's when you know you have a drinking problem when you're down with the crazy coke ideas that's funny Fina you never smoked did your cigarettes no cuz I smoked weed before cigarettes so I never got the appeal I've I've I've smoked probably like less than a pack my entire life in college I would like be drunk outside of a bar and someone give me one but I never bought one of my own I never got it okay all right I got it do you I know

you like you like the sauce you're a big you know you're an Irish man by heart you like you like you like drinking pops every now and then do your parents drink and if so what do they drink they do my dad is forever was like a beer guy but you know what beer Budweiser heavy but heavy and and and Guinness I mean he would he could recite the entire Budweiser label you know those like this is Budweiser they're proud America but it's like six lines him and his friends used to like get drunk and like recite it to each other and whenever you get a wrong drink but no he was like he was a big into that he

doesn't like light beers he started he started getting into craft beer a little bit but he's not a real he'll have one but it's not his preference but now he's trying to look after his figure a little bit more so he's switching he's has like gin and tonics classy middle of the road not too shabby all right yeah kippy why did you make that face about the Budweiser he was a will you expecting something different he worked at UPS and the stockbroker what he was gonna say Moscow mules big my tie guy yeah big Stella guy who knew no I just Budweiser can be Budweiser can walk in both worlds Budweiser can be

trashy if you're trash or you know hey Bud heavies are a fucking American drink and I'm a patriot tell you what you get a fucking nice Bud bottle in the summer that's screaming cold ain't nothing wrong with a b.h. Daddy oh wrong I'm listening set me up with two all right I got another one did growing up did you or any of your relatives have horseshoe pits in your backyard no no we did not that was not a thing that oh my god wait wait a minute kippy with the grand jury testimony I I think actually my grandfather my my grandparents house they they would put one out of the bar right there mr. Feeny do not lie did you

or did you ever not have a horseshoe pit in their defense though they were born in 1920 so that was like all of the fun you could have no video games I remember we have my dad I do at my dad's house we were having a big barbecue and he's like I'm doing it and we went out we built these cut we built them we dug we put sand we put one oh no dude I thought I thought we were the fucking coolest kids on the block I looking back we were trash I used to bartend at my grandparents you they used to have a big like wedding anniversary party every year and I would bartend at like seven I was I was making scratch yeah dude trying to let

your beak you need a Michelin I got you what do you need yeah yeah yeah yeah something that determines how trash you are is that what age did you learn how to pour a draft beer oh you know what I mean yeah draft I never had really my uncle had like a keg like out of the tech yeah I got of the keg but my dad so somebody at some point in high school my dad had converted like this 1950s fridge to a beer meister and that thing sat in our garage for like 25 years so anytime there was a party and the pitchers had to get filled up they'd send me and my brother to do it right we learned how to keep it on an angle at an

angle yeah I don't respect somebody who can't pour a beer of course you give them you give them that bottle and the glass and then you just fucking look two ounce two minutes later they have two ounces of beer nine hours like what the fuck are we doing here yeah people born with a silver spoon in their mouth you know I'm talking about yes what about the sloppy Joe Feney how do you feel about the sloppy Joe never was never I was thinking about I was gonna ask him that I had that thought today I'm like what's I'm like sloppy Joe just my name is trash yeah it's a very camp thing to have you know I've never I've had sloppy Joe's my

mom has absolutely made sloppy Joe like Manwich Manwich out of the can yeah trash trash no actually I think my mom made it my mom's if you're making it if your sandwich comes in a can it's fucking trash okay are you what about people have tuna depends on the application of the said tuna okay chicken at the sea tuna salad yeah I mean first you know it's not one of any Nobel fucking prizes for sure but it's you know it's it's it's that all we have now it's either your trash or you're gonna know you're a laureate is there no between I had a can of tuna yesterday yeah but you ate it with the fork out of the can eat the

whole can actually I always put a little bit of mayo and relish in it that's how I do my tuna salad relish yeah it's good and I tell you what if sloppy Joe's are wrong I don't want to be right here's my sandwich with a good sloppy Joe on a regular hamburger bun with a couple of fucking kettle-cooked chips and a fucking nice cold SOTY I was just about to tell you my tuna salad recipe which is a little bit of mayo I cut up some cucumber not cucumbers a celery and some red onion but then my favorite thing to put on it on some toast with tuna salad is laze sour cream and onion with that little crunch in there the chips on a

sandwich is pretty garbage but it's fucking dude chips on a sandwich good fucking night all day long yeah while we're on this tip I might as well ask you this because I got this in the in the chamber and this goes out to both of you you know what I mean general question I'm familiar with how podcasting works continue if you're having chips and salsa okay or any kind of chips and dip and you get down to the end of the bag where the crumbs are and you're at the end of the dip have you ever taken those chips dumped them into the dip and then ate the stuff with the spoon oh I honestly never even considered that for

a second I've done something maybe worse which is I just grab as much of a clump in my fingertips and dip my fingertips dripping down and then like that man the end of a bag of fucking toast eat those will show you who you really fucking had pathetic life my friend oh my god the abyss staring back at you I never thought to make a fucking jello pudding with chips that you have great I would lie if I said I have I done both of those in history for sure yeah oh man if there's just not a mirror at the bottom of that bag of chips showing you what you fucking hate about yourself oh god what are you doing to yourself fully

a 700 pounds what are you doing oh my god that's too funny that's great um but but let's see please go ahead okay all right good cop and cop this punk have you ever put a sound system in your car or a head unit which was yes he has yes he has buddy you're talking to a guy who lived in Long Island you know so I not only had one but I worked at Best Buy so I got this crazy discount I had a my first car was a 1988 Buick Skyhawk which is not a Skylark that's the one they kept making this was a Skyhawk that I got for free that my cousin was gonna donate but to charity but instead gave it to me as my first car and I put a 12

inch subwoofer in there a pioneer amplifier I put about like like $700 or more of like sound system into a thing that only had a radio until that point and had like manual locks like it was just the the oldest car but it fucking boom boom dude that thing rattled I love it I could see that even wear a hat sideways I bet you wore a hat sideways didn't you I maybe tried after watching the Fresh Prince but I never it always hurt my head never made sense to me I tried to do I tried to I don't have a hat in here but I tried to engineer my own style which was it was what was how did I wear it I wore it like I've seen

pictures of this by the way around the internet like way up into the like you know what I mean it was like an it was like an off to the side and up kind of a thing but fuck what was the lead oh that was a thing though the growing up along Island everybody did that with their cars they're like everybody like a 1992 Honda Civic and then put $6,000 into it so that way you would know how cool you looked when you died in the drinking and driving yeah of course dude of course that was I remember dude I had a 95 or six Chevy Lumina first car got the keys right the fucking Best Buy got some fucking Pioneer six by nines have them

in the back got a new head unit fucking good night killing it you worked about you ever steal from work when you were a kid no but I did get fired why are you trying to get some speakers fully I got fired for theft from Best Buy but I didn't actually steal so they were it was a weird time when I was working there I was like the only innocent man in Shawshank everybody get out of here who you talking to well listen I get this is a two-pronged thing so it's just gonna be it's gonna be Feeney and Cannon down in San Juan today so I was in a I was in a chest together yeah I was a seasonal employee there so it was like

Friday hold on that's garbage right there if you've ever been a seasonal employee your track that's just a 16 year old trying to get money for his subs all right but so they right at the same time they had this huge problem with theft where they were like finally they finally were able to like target it was like this really tight investigation they were having and they've lost hundreds of thousands of dollars to like an inside job so they were trying to they were looking at closely and so around that time they I went I was in the back in the warehouse and I noticed all of these like Xbox games had been like cut open

and the discs were just missing it was just the cases and I was back there and I was looking for something else but I was like holy shit these games are all missing and then I'm like here I am touching them I don't want to be accused of this so I walked them right up from the back I walked them right up to the manager and was like hey this is all in the back look at this and they were like oh thank you so much for bringing it to our attention and then that week I went down to North Carolina for I think Thanksgiving or something like that and then or maybe it was for like Christmas and then I came I they called me while

it was there telling me that I was like fired and because and I knew other people that worked there and they told me that they checked the tapes and from the tapes the cameras in the way back of the warehouse pointing this way so they only saw my back and then they saw me touching these games and then they saw the game cartridges empty so then they thought like he thought they thought that I was this mastermind that was stealing these Xbox games of being like wasn't me because I'm turning it into you you know so it's a pretty good play though looking back and listen I did steal because what they would have like CDs

whenever the CDs cases would get cracked even if the CD was okay they would say to throw it in the garbage so rather than throw it I took some like Jimmy Eat World CDs and a couple other things but then it turns out the guy that actually was stealing everything who stole over $200,000 worth of product in the 10 years he worked there was this guy in the camera department who they fucking loved who was named a rod ironically cheater and they just they made a he was like the beloved like you want to be like this model employee and that was the guy who was stealing. Now did you ever hunt this guy down and get

your revenge for setting you up? I mean I was I was alright you know he was like it was a fucking neck I had a lot more to lose I think that guy went to jail he must have. Because it reads like a fucking Keanu Reeves movie I like. It's a real felony yeah well I didn't I didn't really care about the job that much you know. In high school my buddy used to work at Foot Locker and talk about garbage he would tell us he'd be like yeah well he needed cash right everybody was stealing everything but when he needed a little bit of fucking scratch he would tell everybody in school you know what I mean he'd be like yo I'm running come come through the

mall tonight I'm running the 2 for 70 deal which is where you have to you have to know your size you don't get to try them on but you walk in and you go I'll take those and those and he would go and you tell him the size he would come out with them already in a bag come up to the register give you like a fake thing you hand them the cash like we would just get shoes 2 for 70 you just couldn't take Jordans or Tim's because they had like their own inventory system for those like they double-checked those but like any Nike's or Reeboks or anything you just go we just get fucking shoes and then they finally got caught they were

like yeah they were down like you know four hundred thousand dollars in merchandise after like six months we'd go in and like prison for that that's like a high felony I think somebody did because they would then they would all steal from each other like the Jersey store like sports favorites would trade your jerseys for shoes lids would trade you this for that it was all crazy the dynamics of mall theft is a real trashy my buddy worked for a kiosk in the mall for a proactive and he stole I mean thousands and thousands of dollars what's pro act oh the like they say the acne face cream he was moving that what

the fuck that's crazy I talked to you girls for a second over here a couple of blemishes now he's trash hey pizza face get your ass over here he's one of those guys that grew up on my block that didn't have they had a porch you had to like because their house was like a little elevated you needed to like go up a stairs and a porch to get to their front door so it was probably like if you were standing was that like eye level the bottom of the door and they never had the porch until I was like 15 so they just kept going in through their backyard or garage every day like over a decade to build it yeah yeah that's

fucking if you get him on here he's that's right under construction I like that you know what was another one has anyone in your family ever have you or anybody in your family tried to sell cut-coe knives no we were not knife salesman that was a big one door-to-door pyramid scheme knife salesman well I do have some of my kids that I grew up on the block with are way way way into amway what's amway amway is the the other pyramid scheme where you sell like you sell like the fucking like supplements they used to just sell like soap and now they sell like supplement everything like energy drinks and then it's all

weirdly associated with like church and stuff so it's very gaudy and I don't get you yeah yeah you have friends that are doing that yeah yeah that are like high-level like medallion diamond members which I guess means they've taken advantage of enough people I don't understand I don't know that's real yeah I need to do that I went one time to was like in college or whatever and like I saw in the newspaper like hey you know sales paid training come in so I went in there was like 30 schmucks all sitting in there with like you know your dad's suit on or whatever we're all we're everybody was like oh if I can get a

sales job inside it'd be good you know like these were all blue collar guys trying to be trying to get a white collar job usually how it works and the guy was like he just got money from it was like Flavia it was like Eminem I know it was just some fucking bullshit like blender we've tried to talk on people and he's like listen he brought me and he was listening you hide it I go oh great man thank you so much like this is awesome and he goes all right just give me a check for $288 for the machine up front and then you're good I'm like I'm not paying you to work here you know weird when you have to pay to work

somewhere like this is no no way I almost got recruited into Scientology when I was in college in Seattle dude do you like what they had to say we went out to Seattle for spring break as we were thinking about moving out there in the summer me and my buddy just to spend the summer out there and we were wandering around looking for jobs and like we didn't even notice anything we walked by this building that's how old Foley is when you could wander around and look for jobs anybody higher in here I'm strong as an ox and I get up early every morning anybody I'm strong as an ox and I've worked down by the doc so

we walked into this place and like this like smoke and hot lady came up to us and just like hypnotized us immediately and was just like oh you know yeah we're interested in and looking for people and they had us take this test and like we took the test and like we were sitting there and like just like if she was just asking us all these questions I'm like I don't know the thing where you held that the thumb yeah what was that where they tells you you're gay or whatever yeah I like to look up to my head I'm just looking for something part-time guys you have anything seasonal yeah you were looking for just trying to get just

trying to get a new head unit just anything are you guys all for Betty's what's the deal here no and then all of a sudden like we put it together like cuz she went out and then they brought this other guy in like the next level guy to like talk to us and are you happy and yeah something like that and I remember we turned around and we saw Dianetics L Ron Hubbard's book like on a wall like they got like a bunch of them and then we both looked at each other like it was like something that a fucking Tommy boy like good skin and we fucking took off at the door I didn't know I was just I didn't know what Scientology was until

like the South Park episode of Scientology I think like four years ago yeah that's what I'm saying if in the 90s I stumbled into some place with some hot chick asked me if I'm happy I would have for sure joined I am now because when I was a kid all you saw was the book the commercial for the book Dianetics by L Ron Hubbard it was like volcanoes blowing up and you're like I thought it was just like a science fiction absolutely absolutely a science fiction I thought at first I thought his name was L Ron like I thought I didn't know was L dot Ron how I thought it was a superman

yeah like RON L Ron little no fact the L actually stands for Laquisha really I didn't know he was German yeah all right let's pull it back here a little bit couple of simple questions for you Feeney but they're important do you shave before you take a shower or after shower there's only one way to shave and it's obviously after no I don't for you're supposed to shave after no you shave before no you don't you shave after because we need your face when all the hot water starts to loosen up and make everything you make your pores open up yes you're but it's easy to shave you're supposed to shave after I say

you still you still have little pieces of hair everywhere no you don't what I also I mean I'm this is the longest my facial hair I think has ever been in my life so I don't I usually keep it pretty clean shaven so I'm not I'm not working with a ton much it takes me less than three minutes to shave what about a haircut are you can you go get a haircut and then go out for the night and you gotta take a shower right after you get a hair I it depends I'd prefer to take a shower if I can because I hate the little piece of hair but sometimes I do a really good job fucking clean it up yeah but I will say this I don't go to

barbershops I go to salons you do yeah so on just know what I need okay shampoo you got a shampoo you got a shampoo you got a head massage you got a free drink while you're waiting can be wine could be cucumber water could be whatever you want could be champagne and also they don't barbershops don't have layering scissors my problem this is like the most like you know first world problems my hair actually gets too thick so I have to have it thin must be wow really terrible yeah a hair donor you should talk to Feeny yeah it's just too thick and lustrous I'm not sure what I could you know right now you can see it gets

like if I grew the all it out it just looks like a big helmet you listen I go to a fucking barbershop a guy who barely speaks English like a man you and the other Queens can stay at the hair salon alright that's why you're that's why you're low rent you know what I mean he's only in there keep he's only in there for two minutes you don't even sit down and a lion hair if you just fucking the strong wind all of a sudden you're like dude I do before even my hair even started thinning in the front I was in like heist I was in college freshman year college my buddy was shaving my head he's like do you have like

dolls here he's like this is like baby hair what the fuck oh so thin that's tough I know brutal did your mom ever cut your hair when you were a kid she tried ones and butchered it so bad that it was like a scarring moment for us like here's real garbage here's real garbage did you ever cut your mom's hair but my mom also worked in salons growing up that's why I go to salons I was very comfortable there so I would always get like free haircuts by like professional hairstylist that's too funny that's pretty good you got one more we'll get this guy off the hook I got one more I'm trying to think how to stick

the landing here cuz I know he's garbage but I want to know how much I have something that I feel like will really incriminate me all right I got two quick ones just you know all right has anyone in your family owned a waterbed my parents just means they were fucking baby and then me you had theirs you didn't get theirs did you no no no I went from we both had waterbeds in the house at the same time I went from a car bed I went from a car bed you were one of those kids I was like a red convertible car bed so you were rich I went from a car bed to a waterbed that's what I went to I skit I went right to

70s porn star I skipped everything that's insane waterbeds are the greatest thing on the planet they're great for your back they're also there's nothing better than when it's you could I used to crank the AC to like it'd be like 62 degrees and then you have you're laying on 101 degrees worth of water and it's just you're fucking tuck in and it's like so hot but then it's freezing it's it was the greatest it was the greatest thing that waterbeds are I had one in high school man not the shit they're so awesome that's you still get them I'm sure you can still get them not new they're not I bet I hope I'll go put my

fucking money on the line they're not making new waterbeds no way yeah we had a what we bought that a whole family we're a waterbed family that's that's that's the craziest thing I've ever heard in my life we were a waterbed family dude you are fucking trash you're a land for your whole family are fucking garbage people you mix a little lice into that mix you got fucking serious never had lice never never had lice no we twice but we did have we did have this is gonna really I think it criminally we did have a pool so classy the pens of abovegrounds pool friends my friend you're among friends not here I was a

in-ground pool kind of guy wow second guest in a row that had an aboveground pool and I'll tell you what it's like I tell everybody Mikey I prefer them okay really I prefer them all this is what I said all the heat he tried he dies tries to die on this fucking mountain every time we talk I don't want to hit my head on some concrete yeah it's all it's all Moroccan marble in there we would always go into we would go pool partying at my neighbor's house who had the in-ground pool at a diving board mine was like hey you guys want to climb into my tub with me yeah yeah yeah yeah no way dude no let's take a ladder up and then

you just and then when you try and take the ladder the whole side's gonna get off balance you're gonna fall in the pool you can't swim we can't do laps in a fucking aboveground no but you got I tell you what you can do in aboveground pool that you can't do in a I know you're going and I fully agree world the Whirlpool yeah you get a fucking mean Whirlpool going an aboveground pool try to swim the other way is a little kid who cares if you can't afford Dornie Park you got it right in your backyard baby fuck the six flags baby let's do it Mike Feeney buddy thank you so much for for hanging out with us today and I

think we determined kids garbage I'm going 72 and a third percent garbage okay I'll say you're 85 percent garbage but because I'll tell you what now he did he knows what he's doing he makes not when he's at home he makes nice cocktails when he goes out he knows that I handle himself in a restaurant he always gives me good this guy is never missed with a restaurant tip and a story of where to go to with my girl I'm telling you every time the salon I mean you were a hundred percent of the salons yeah that's a classy thing to do you know you did have a motorized couch it's broken I'll look past that a little bit you know

I'm an enigma you know yeah he takes good care of himself he's got the decorations hanging in the room I see he's 70 72 and a third I'll go and by the way I forgot to tell you Mike Nick at the at the waterbed store told me to tell you to say hello thank you for the business of course Mikey what do you have coming up you got a new patreon that you're doing with that mr. Mike cannon and our good pal Brendan Saiglo yes we started a new patreon podcast since the world has ended and comedy is no more and none of us have any means of income and if we're doing a patreon podcast called what's the scenario and

in that we tackle various like what if scenarios hypotheticals that we fucking talk about which quickly devolves into all of us fighting we launched it a week ago so check that out but if you want to check out some free stuff just to dip your toe in the Mike Feeney water and see if you you know before you want to commit and the Mike Feeney above ground pool Mike Feeney comedy dot com and I am Mike Feeney on social media Irish goodbye podcast is free and also Rage against routine is the album available now everywhere very nice I love it buddy thank you so much this was so much fun keeping me this is great what do we got

to tell them guys I cannot stress enough thank you so much for all the support we've received so far getting this off the ground all the rating reviewing subscribing really appreciate it if you haven't please do already please share with a friend you know help us keep this pushing this ball up the hill we really appreciate it follow me on all social media is at Kevin Ryan comedy awesome guys thank you so much we'll be we'll be back with a brand new episode are you garbage and don't forget to check out your daily dose of the hard feelings podcast with me and Kevin Ryan every single fucking day of the quarantine we

are going to be there for you we thank you guys again so much and we'll see you soon