Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - No Pulp w/ Kippy & Foley
Episode Date: February 17, 2022Kippy and Foley are back with a fun one! Thanks for listening. Love youse guys. Come see us at a live show! Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGa...rbage https://www.BetterHelp.com/GARBAGE https://www.HelloFresh.com/garbabe16 Promo Code: Garabage16 https://www.Babbel.com Promo Code: Garbage https://www.Allform.com/GARBAGE
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Stop the presses gang got a special announcement the middle-class famous tour is in full effect
Get your tickies me the bald one the long hair. We're coming to a city near you
Bring the squad out. It's a great way to introduce people to the show. You get to see some stand-up
You get to play a little a yg with me in the gui-parino. It's a good time. Hit me up
Guys are gonna be in Atlanta Tampa Orlando Pittsburgh Buffalo Detroit Denver Phoenix Salt Lake City
Chicago Rose man guys. It's a great time
Can't wait to see you out there get your tickies now. Yeah
Welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or
Absolute trash now. Here are your hosts Kevin Ryan and H Foley
Hey
Everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is our you garbage
It's a little show we sit there with your favorite comedians and we find out they're good to be classy
Mm-hmm, or just a big old piece of trash. Yeah, I'm your hostage fully coming at you on a beautiful day
We're down here. It has to these basement. She has caught in wind. Oh god of the
$10,000 bet that we're laying okay when we reach a
Patreon goal thirty six hundred thirty six hundred. She want to wet her beak or get in on the action. What is it?
She thinks that she can make it a sure thing
Yeah, she was upstairs watching oceans 11. I said, honey, I don't get any ideas
My co-hosts coming at you from across the table. It's a family yet. It's a business meeting. God damn it
We're sitting down. We're clearing the house. Sure. Circle in the wagons
He is the CEO of our you garbage. He's international businessman. We're almost kind of wearing the same thing. We're syncing up. I mean
No comment save it for hard feelings that you want them. We got them Kevin James Ryan ladies
Hey gang happy to be here. Thanks for tuning in. Oh, as always, please make sure you subscribe on itunes
Oh video available on YouTube and as you know, those numbers are true to roof true the fucking roof daddy. Oh
Also by law federal statue. This is the one I like
This is really more my speech that you 13b paragraph four of the federal docket section nine
I must mention the greatest website of all time
www.patreon.com slash are you garbage a lot of money? I believe it's section 12 all bozos here
It said for
Okay, no, I'm sorry. Oh, please. No. Oh, no
special
The dates. I don't know. What were you gonna? What I was gonna tell what they get at the greatest website of all time
Like I do every fucking episode talking about the billions and billions of hours of bonus material
We just hit a trillion hours of bonus. Oh really a trillion. Yeah
Pretty good like Voyager out there. Yeah, I can put in miles. It's nice. Plus. They get them hard feelings. Yeah
That's that's the real show
This is a dog and pony show that's where the panties come off
That's where the rubber hits the road as they say
How about a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire which I was trying to say before and I apologize
I cut you off. Mr. Ryan, especially this at this late hour of the month
I
Certain transfers are processing but I've been a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire the magic man
Makes us all look good. So a little kid brother over there. Look at him little skippy. Give it up for T-Bow McMuffin. Don't be McMullen
What's up, dude? I don't want to be skippy. That's your close to kippy. I did just true
I did just realize how well there we go again more assimilation. I mean, we're all gonna be the same person in a year
We're all gonna we're all gonna meet in the middle of weight. We're all gonna be like
285 pounds or something
We're all gonna be an even three bills. We're all gonna have medium hair
Balding in the front walking around like the Ramones
Yeah, it's gonna be a bad look we all gonna play the part on it sucks
Gotta wear it everywhere. Yeah, holy cow, but I do I do forget sometimes your youth
I'm not that I'm not young. I mean here to him compared to me. Yeah, what do you mean?
You're a kid compared to me your young kid with all his own life in front of them
So I'm gonna find them
Well, you see a 32 year old man with a skateboard down my child
32 is young man. Not that young. What are you like 38 36? Let's go talk to some chicks and see what they have to say about it
Yeah, I
To me you're a baby. I started comedy when I was 30 though
That's how young that is to me. God, you were gonna inspire so many bozo comedians to hang in for way too long
That fat guy for me YG did it
You're like the new Rodney Dangerfield
He was selling vinyl siding up until he was 58 years old and he died of a drug overdose
I heard a Hawaiian shirt. What do you know about that? I already used to be a jockey
That's good stuff. I wanted to ask you before we get started today
um, I
Did this the other night to the to the
Appalledness, so green chagrin of my of my female counterpart over there
My mirror as they call it if we were if you were on different
She's not happy about that. I'm sure if we were if we were on different sides of the Cold War
That's what would be she be my mirror. She was a Russian spy, which she could be I don't know
Covered
She could be embedded we're waiting to start at the bottom could be a
Listen, there's this fat comedian over there in New York who might be successful with that you start working on them
They want me to start
DC LA and thinking about Queens bluebell Pennsylvania
That's where they're that's where the real fucking
Whatever
Which I can't believe she's never seen me do it before in the years that we've been together
Because I know I do it all the time because when I learned it as a kid
I thought it was one of the most genius things that I've ever seen it was a cutting a cousin showed me
Okay, and this move is when you you fill your bowl up with cereal
Okay, listen them. All right in there and they were special K by the way before you start freaking out
Okay as Trader Joe's special case, so it's even better for you
You fill the bowl and then when you go to pour the milk
You take your hand and you lightly put it over the cereal bowl to hold the cereal down
So it doesn't rise as you pour the milk in
You don't know what I'm talking about. I do I've never done it. I've never thought to do it. Really?
Yeah, I mean you're really trying to get every bang for your buck in that bowl
Like a nice amount of that's like a pressure cooker your pressure cooking special K bootleg special K a dad not even named brain
Mr. Kellogg didn't sign off on that
That's I get you get what I'm saying, right? You hold it down so the milk can fill up and get all the get all the flakes wet
So it doesn't and then what no making me wet
This turn to the answer
That's what you like a cereal fetish
Tell me what the corn pops. I get it. I see where's yeah
I mean, I've definitely played defense on the rim here and there if you know
But I've never like tried to trash compact it down. That's fucking crazy
I don't have a paperweight in my fucking oreo. Just go back and redo it. Do you know fill it up most shit?
I also like some of the rough ones at the top, you know, and I mean really ripped the top of your mouth
It's like chewing firecrackers. I gotta have a little coat on them
Yeah, you fucking yeah, that's dry. I mean, how many bowls how many bowls did you do as well?
How many bowls of that special K?
on that particular night
Which not exactly you talking about by the way, I think it's a great question. I want to thank you for asking
I was home all night. Um, I don't know to probably to I do to I probably listen
I do you know what fucking I do to okay. I do though. Am I supposed to believe that?
To we have those we have those fancy deep bowls. They have now, you know, I'm talking about
Someone called a crock pot
I just listen we go back a long time. Nobody hold on hold on. You do too. Come on everybody does nobody does one ball series
Well, I wasn't at all listen
I'm not claiming that you did one. I'm also not claiming that you did too
I think you're I think you're more of a hatchery kind of guy
Because listen, I know you a long time right we go back sure old pals
Been in the you know been in the fucking trenches together cut our teeth
Right better hairlines thinner waistlines back in the day. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, uh-huh built like a fucking Ukrainian gymnast
You know I used to be tight
I was there
You are
I I don't want to sound but you're a liar. You're a big lion second shit over there
There has been times in the past where I may have embellished the the the the truth sure, you know for the country for the yeah
For national security, of course. Yeah, I mean we I mean that spy girlfriend the end of the day. It's all for charity
So let's not get it's not pointing fingers here for the kids. What are we doing?
Serials for the kids
I will say this is how as seen on tv products get made
We could be the first guys to get in the cereal weight game. Yeah, like what I mean is what?
Yeah, uh
Will you be honest and was it two bowls of cereal what that's got first of all that's not what we're talking about
All right, it is a sub subcategory while we're talking. Yeah, I don't like this that did see well listen
This is why people who commit small crimes don't go in and report big crimes because they get some some stiff like you
Now you're asking me where I was last night
Doesn't matter how many bowls of cereal dickhead. All right the question on the table
No, it yes, the question on the table is do you push down your cereal when you fill up the milk? No, that's right. Am I crazy?
Because you two don't do it very people out there have to know he's unraveling
People out there have to do it. I'm sure people do a lot of animals listen to this show. Uh, we're fine. No
Toby you don't do
That is so gross. Yeah, your hand your hand specifically
Is gross because you're gonna get milk on it and then you specifically are for sure gonna lick the milk off your hand
No, I don't lick milk off my hand ice cream. Yeah milk goes right on the pants
Yeah, I think it's cereal shouldn't be touched by your hands ever
Except maybe if you're combing it out, you know combing it out of the box
You know a little you know a little tussle on top of the head. That's it when the supply chain fucks up
Yeah, when you gotta get in there when you gotta get in there with a digger, you know what I mean?
Little excavation. How about when you go and some moron has opened the cereal and it's all fucked up
I hate that. What do you mean? Like when the bags ripped from the side? Yeah, I swear to god my one friend growing up his mom
I don't know why
would uh, I think it was because they used to open the the
They would open the cereal like animals when they were kids
So the mom started when she bought cereal and she bought a lot of cereal
They were one of the families that had like nine different cereals on top of the fridge
They were all like a quarter of the way full
But she would take the bag out completely. She would dump the cereal in the cardboard. What that's how she would do it
That's not sanitary. I bit into the fucking the bowl of tricks one time that had to be
Three years old
They were they were like jolly ranchers. I almost cracked all my teeth
Fuck stale as shit that yeah, you know what my I believe my sister does it
I want to throw her under the boss, but she empties out the box into like the tupperwell into like the
That's classy rubber made spouts. Yeah, that's like something you saw in family ties when I was yeah, that was very like sitcom
That's that's that's the pit that's the pitcher orange juice pitcher on milk, too
Who the fuck does that? What are we doing? You gotta throw the milk out after that
We're gonna pour it back in you know what I've been getting into and this isn't a sponsored post
But I've been recently getting into the past week and a half that trough 50
He did dabble with that at all for seniors
Fucking helps with the osteoporosis
Keeps your regular to a couple of snack while cookies and I'm like
Yeah, that trough 50 ain't nothing to shake a stick at what's the pitch? What's the what's the angle?
I think it's just like orange juice and fucking you know, yeah, it's like orange juice and tonic or something
This guy's drinking tom collins mix in the morning
What the fuck
What the fuck
That stuff's all right
Trough 50 shout it out from the rooftops
You don't buy it's 50 less sugar
It's got some bubbles in it too. There's something's going on a little osmosis going going too much sun
I think the oranges are from Delaware or something. Yeah, I don't fuck with that
It's definitely not the sunshine stage. I like a nice orange juice too
I was at my mom's house this weekend and I thought I was like dreaming
Because I because I remember orange juice as far as the eye can see
I must be having a fever dream
No, because it said some pulp. Yeah, I thought that was just from the sopranos. I don't know that was an actionable thing
No pulp some pulp. Yeah
That's great some little bit of pulp tiny more bit of pulp. Yeah, that's too much too many pulps
You know, I was a real cunt as a kid. I'm still a real cunt now
But I was a real cunty little kid. You probably didn't I bet you didn't like to pull
I did and that was before I love it
I would do all pulp. You look you're you look you're milk with pulp. That's an orange idiot
Why you try a piece of fruit?
Uh
I used to have my mom strain out the what yeah, I'm sure I've mentioned this before
We had like a little strainer and I would make her strain it. I was a real cunty little kid
Ah, I would have pulled a six. I was a real little I was I was super fucking picky and then she just would be like
I remember sly. She was she like it was like an episode of cheers. She slid it down to me with pulpit
I slid it right back. I said hey toad speed pulp of fighters. Will you hey honey? Was it your first day?
How about your Cheryl filled you in but where's the other girl usually takes care of me?
You don't vacation or something. What's happening?
Dude, you are my ego waffles. If you did that to patty as a kid
She would she would have kept you sick
She would have she would have pulled a six cents on you
A little bit of pine saw on every oatmeal you had munchausen syndrome
You'd be up there forever
I didn't have she'd bleed you. I mean also I look him back
I insane insane that she did it, but I think she was just that's crazy single mom
I was the youngest. I think she was just like fucking whatever
Like we're just here. Just shut this kid up fucking strain my orange juice real tough guy
Real hard case your generation
Yeah, now I can't get enough of this stuff. I do some of the pull some pull love the pull. Yeah
All right. Well, I guess I'm an asshole with the cereal. I don't know
Oh
Let's see what the bozos and the homies say I get it. I get it. I just don't think you shouldn't be touching
That's like putting your hand in a bowl of soup. You shouldn't be doing that. It's not it's not that's ridiculous
I'm I'm just lightly putting my hands are clean. I just know they're not your hands are never clean
Your hands statistically your specific hands. I want before I've seen you with boogers. I washed them with iodine before I do
If there is icing in every bowl of cereal you eat I've seen more boogers on your fingers than I've seen in my nose
You are your big boog man
I get stuffed up sometimes the boogers the boogers
Well, that'd be your mob name Henry boogers. So I went over to boog's house
I'm gonna go with the boogers the boogers. I heard booger killed him
All right
I just have one quick question. Go ahead T-bone. Isn't that you're gonna
That much milk over the surface area all that cereal you're gonna get soggy cereal way faster
Why not and why not just stir it once the milk's in that's what I'm saying. Yeah, what are you talking about?
There's too much. Here's what it really is. All right, you're good kids. I'll tell you a real story. Okay
I don't like your fucking attitude. All right
but
What it is is
I like a big bowl of cereal. I can't do the little rinky-dinky bowl. So I try to get as many
Tricks in there as I possibly can sure or uh special okay, whatever you have
um
And when you pour the milk in it all falls out like popcorn
So you take your hand and you hold it. I mean that's like if you can and ball the milk in there if you fucking slowly
No, no, I put you pour it nice
It's to get the milk on this flake
You know what I'm saying if you pour it you fucking you can you stir your scoop you do it doesn't stir
How big you what are you talking about? There's no room to stir in a cereal bowl
I'm not saying stir it like you're fucking the wicked witch of the story. How big are your cereal bowl?
What are you using old old tv? I don't eat cereal typically
You got a box in the house. I never do there's not a box of cereal in your house right now
There's not if you don't have a box of cereal in house. You're a psychopath. Uh toby you
Yeah, what do you have? I have uh like honey bunches of oats. I think that's respectable
No, it's not what you're doing cereal. You're not gonna. You what honey bunch of what are you my grandfather
Honey bunches of oats are all right get out of here. You know, it's not too shabby either every once in a while grape nuts
Ah, you're gonna think i'm crazy
Grape nuts with some milk and a little bit of sugar. You probably like raisin brain too. Oh, yeah
What two scoops, bitch
I've never heard someone
Bragg like a rapper about the scoops in their cereal. That's two scoops, motherfucker
I'm gonna tell you what Kellogg's they coat them motherfuckers in sugar too. They don't fuck around
Fucking Kellogg's raisin brand. Let's go. I can't do the I can't do the cereal at the house because I fucking have a problem
I'm not saying that we keep it that box of cereal was taken away from me that night and hidden
After my third bowl. I see I knew it. Yeah
Fucking two bolt to get out of here two bowl. I'm a three-ball man
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Yeah, um, all right, let's get into some fucking
Gapage questions
From the patreon over there guys when you sign up for patreon
You will answer your garbage question on here
Best way to do it. We get hit up a bunch the emails the dms everything
But the uh, the patrons get top priority over there a patreon's a party. You know what I mean? It's a good time
I'm telling you
Uh, this one's just a fucking what we call in a business a home run
This is from ran. Did you take swim lessons beyond a reasonable age?
Because there is a certain age
Where you can't be like 16 in the pool with a bunch of 12 year or like six year olds, you know
Did you take proper swim lessons proper?
Proper swim lessons
They hated me. I hated them. Can you eat cereal in a pool?
I
Hold the milk down you dumb bro. What are you doing? Uh
the woman
Threaten the sewers. Oh my god, dude. Yeah, because I would bite her and pinch her
I just remember one day and I was little I was terrified of the water
Terrified you're still not the biggest fan now. Um, but I can swim like the wind
um
I remember my I remember my mom like opposite elements. Yeah, I can swim like that thing that's not known for swimming
I like a fish. Uh
I remember my mom like holding me and her having a conversation. She's like, it's just patty. It's too much
He typically doesn't ball in a mailman
Yeah, I fucking I freaked out hate hated it
But I got past it. I wasn't fucking taking swim lessons until like 25
That's a real tough luck. But I also do. We know a few bozos that can't swim. I know. Yeah
That's insane to me and listen. I know you grew up here. You grew up there. You grew up in the city
You don't have access to it
Just my my fear and my anxiety. I would have that would have been the one thing I said mom
I want to take swim lessons mom. I gotta win this swim
You figure you have to know that I can't fathom that. Yeah, I don't know. It's not, uh
It's not
It's crazy. I know I can't I just remember always being able to so I don't remember any lesson ever you had to
I don't think so. Yes. I'm sure your mom took you to fucking Saturday swim lessons
You just don't remember. You don't know about me. Don't tell me. I probably knocked you out and threw you in the chlorine room
That's why my hair's falling out
Chlorine poisoning at an early age. I lean him up against that shock. He'll be all right
Um
No, I I know kids grow up. They don't have access. I mean, we didn't have a pool
That's a fun. I I understand but like you know to play the comedy devil's advocate fucking
New York's an island
It's not like there ain't water around there. I'm telling you there's beaches. I'm telling you
I'm fucking rock away beach fucking coney island. They're all we're all resort beaches
Go down there learn how to swim watch out for the needles, but you still have a good time
I think rock away takes a couple people every year too
That coast a little stingy up there
Currents going this way and I don't know but what my cousins did
Is that and you'll see you don't like tick-tock and stuff
A baby is naturally known how to get on its back or whatever. Yeah, I seen that bullshit
They did it with my all my cut with all their kids
The big guy did and what do they immediately know how to swim?
Yeah, there's this thing where they know I'm saying then you don't need swim lessons because they'll
Like instinctively know is that what you're saying
Yeah, it's like this. You hold them in the wall. I don't if toby could look it up
I'm saying years later when they start to actually swim
They still get swim lessons. I know the human body is naturally buoyant. I get that
Okay, I don't know what we're arguing over here. I don't know why I'm telling you what my cousins did
I don't know anymore. Okay. All right
I'm just saying that it's that
Because they had a pool and they had young kids like babies ish or you know toddlers
Sure
So it's like a survival thing where they throw you in the fucking pool and just kind of you'll fake like nice
You don't know and you'll fucking seal team six training. I is. You know what I mean?
And you like you got to like you inherently roll over on your back
Right, and then just start like kicking or whatever. I don't know. I was never a big backstroke guy
More of a freestyle. Yeah, I would have sank right to the bottom on that, but I have seen that
He's right, but they still need lessons after that
Yes, he throws them in all of a sudden they're doing flips like dolphins and shit
Well, I mean that's that way they taught you in lessons flips like dolphins
Dude, you see how I do a handstand. Sure. Not a bad can opener handstand in a pool was a good time
I was just doing them down in florida
Oh, yeah
What you're not doing a handstand in a pool. That's crazy not now
I was a Marco polo action down here too. It's pretty good. I was having a great time with the kids in the pool
Uh, I was I was the kids. All right. I thought you were doing it
If I was at a fucking a hotel pool and there was some guy by himself
Fucking in three feet of water and all of a sudden his legs slowly came up. I call hotel security little peters
Yeah, no, uh, no, obviously the kids are in the pool and I can't do a handstand in three feet of water
That's not enough four feet. Whatever. Yeah
Handstands are a good time. You know 10 feet for me
That's real easy. What are you gonna keep on? All right, so
Babies aren't born with the ability to swim
Obviously sure, but they have a reflex called the brady cardiac response
Which makes babies hold their breath and open their eyes when submerged in water and they kind of
They kind of naturally have a reflex that makes it look like they can swim. Yeah, but they do know to hold their breath and open their eyes
Yeah, it's weird. That's like the nirvana kid
Yeah, he's making that face. Toby zoom in
Everybody constantly says I love how he never zooms in big gag love it good stuff
Uh, yeah, but I I'll ask the I'll ask the piece, but I don't think I I genuinely don't think I had to I don't think so, man
We have on the swim team that wasn't no that and also my brother and sister did but that wasn't something we paid for that was like
I'll teach you how to swim out of the river. Yeah, that wasn't like we were in a pay-for-services kind of family
Hey kicking in your jeans
You gonna learn today boy. I'll pick you across the street from the trade tracks
They put a sunny d and a pb and j at the lip of the deep end. They're like, hey, little fat kippy. Have you accomplished in a diving knife?
Figure it out
Fucking johnny quest over here
Sunny d that was that was our move back in the day
Trop 50
Telling you maybe you should try trop 50. It's less cow less cows less sugar probably got sweetener in it
Is that what you're worried about? Yeah, okay after your third bowl of maximum capacity cereal
That should be the name my cereal is true to roof. That should be that should be the name of a fat guy cereal maximum capacity
I mean, what are we talking about? Yeah, it's probably got sweetener in it. Okay drink fucking 19 IPAs last night
maximum capacity definitely has marshmallows in it
Chunks of chocolate and graham can have whatever you want
maximum capacity
This one's uh for michael first time long time. I love the ftlt
Uh, you guys ever fell in a fire?
Like at a bonfire
You get high or whatever you're drunk. You get a whiff of the fucking smoke
It fucking makes you dizzy and you and you go down
It's surprising that it doesn't burn you that quickly. Like you can you can actually get somebody out. Yeah
And it's just like a little like fucking ash on their eyes or whatever
I've never witnessed. I've seen I've seen a buddy get a little woozy
You know, I knew we were like, hey easy. We had to get get hands on them
I saw some kid go right in
He'd go right in we were uh burning like
in in our in
Our area certain people that live in the older neighborhoods. They were they
Burn their leaves what they had a decent enough size of props. Sure
Love that smell in the fall. It's not bad. It's not bad
That's like sometimes you go out and like the poking or like up towards like the more rural
There's just a fire burning like every third house. They just got something like a they got a burn pin something cooking. Yeah, it smells good. Um
But somebody threw a computer
Or somebody on top like it was so that was like an area in the backyard where they burned shit
So like we'd go out there sometimes you just start a fire and sit around drink some beers or whatever
Somebody threw a computer or something
On there and it was really cooking
And something was in it and like a plume of like like green gas fucking
circuit breaker or something
And hit him in the face dude. He went down like the riddler got him
It was fucking yeah
What the fuck
He's all fucked up. Yeah
Damn that. Yeah
Tough look beer and fire alcohol and fire is never a good mix because you know, uh
You want to start testing the dragon? Yeah, you start, you know, you don't respect it. You always got to respect the
I got to respect it. You start throwing in a computer a crisp mystery next thing, you know, the neighborhoods won't fucking
Yeah, you got leaking toxic gas
Big time. I remember we did do a trail one time. We did a trail of gas to the fire
That was pretty cool
We did that but that's I've seen that gone wrong on the use tube. Oh, yeah
We did it. We filled up a water bottle full of gas and the tip got caught
The tip caught on fire. We have a squirt bottle like it had like a squirt tip on it. That's a fucking bomb right there
Yeah, I mean we pan we sent like and then we threw it in the water and then the gas was just burning on top of the water
Man talk about fucking little anxiety kippy hot. I was I was
I was hot dude. I fucking like I almost ran to the neighbors and been like help us help us the whole thing everybody abort
You know, it was a fucking scene, dude. We're all gonna die. It was like
Yeah, it was tough felt like
What is it boy? There's a fire at the red bridge go go go
That was what we used to steal a bunch of stuff from the construction sites
They were building the houses, you know, fucking light and caulk on fire. Whatever Christmas tree
Just fucking torch and stuff get a can of paint thinner turpentine. Dude, that should have fucking knocked you to fuck out
Yeah
Hit some fucking rubber burning rubbers fucking tire plastic
We used to be the two liter bottles and they would like fucking turn into lava
Dude that stuff I got some burns on my hand from like just melting a water bottle or something
That looks like napalm. I know it sticks on there. It's it's it's it's it's like a sticky bomb
Thanks, yeah
Um, all right, let's see here this one
All right, this is from Nicholas big bathroom question
Is it garbage to paint a public restroom stall with the door open? Yes
I'm a big I treat the
I treat a public but specifically a rest stop
Mm-hmm. Like you go to a rest. I treat that like I'm fucking like it's
I don't like touching anything in there. So you'll pee with the door open
Yeah, I don't who do some of those places are fucking
Dirty, I like my privacy
Okay, close the door like a gentleman turn the lights down
Is that a candle like the moon let's a midsense. Yeah, I'm like a big uh, I don't like touching anything
And a lot of times those urinals you get a lot of back splash and then I just think about all the pee that's splashing on me or whatever
Can I say this and you're stepping it?
You can see yourself stepping in someone else's pee
Then I see myself
Getting in my car and being like that person's pee is now in my new car. This fucking sucks. Yeah
So I always walk through a little just
slightly touched the bottom of your foot in a little puddle every once in a while then
Wash it off. Yeah, the snow is great for that. You find a patch of snow
Oh fucking clean the soles up through the white walls real nice. What I was gonna say is
And I think this is more hygienic I've kind of stayed straight away from washing my hands in the bathroom
Oh, never except at home
I walk I at home I do what I mean if I poop. Yeah, I'm not washing my hands if I pee at your house really
if I pee
I feel that's something you would judge me for
But that's your lifestyle and and you can do whatever you're telling me you don't wash your hands
You don't wash your hands after you pee at your house
There's no way you're gonna sit here and tell me as my friend for the past decade. Do you sometimes I do
I'm one time we're not talking about me. All I said was I'm surprised that you don't do that
Anyway, my original point. I'm not washing my hands in fucking public restrooms anymore
I'm walking outside and using duct two two squirts of purell. Yeah for sure. Why are we washing our hands anyway?
Because otherwise you're gonna get piss in your frosted flicks. Yeah, exactly
I'm saying shouldn't we do away with the washing of the hands and just use hand sanitizer?
No, because that hand sanitizer won't take poop off your fingers
I've tried
I've been jammed up
It still smells
Yeah, you got to get some water and soap on that
It's a elbow grease. Yeah, for sure. That's not gonna, you know, a little bit of a little bit of purell ain't gonna take off fucking mud
Um
Yeah, okay. Yeah, and that you don't wash your hand
I don't even think you wash your hands after you after you do boom booms. Oh always always the boom boom scares me
What?
I'll get septus
Or what's it called septic? That's it
That's if it gets into your bloodstream or something. I want to cut my mouth or something
What?
Yeah, I'm worried about getting poop in my mouth. So I want I make sure I wash my hands thoroughly after I poop
Ah, that's insane. I don't know what it's called. Yeah, when it gets into your blood sept septus septus septus
Septic steps sister
That's bingo
Septus
God, my mom always says it that romantic fever. You're gonna get romantic fever. Jesus christ. What are you wagon train?
sepsis
It's what you get if you jump in the chicago river
Really?
Yeah, if you if you go into the chicago river you immediately that you get arrested and they put you in an ambulance to take you to the hospital immediately
Damn
There's that much sepsis in the in the water. Yeah, it's nasty. It's it's green all year round not just not just on
Well, they were dumping all the poop in there dumping poop. I think I took the boat ride. They told me that
Oh, yeah, that's right. Did any reverse the something? Yeah, I don't know. Send that back down to indiana. Hey
where
Ship that down to those hayseeds. Yeah, we just dump it right in lake michigan folks
So no need to worry about anything. Well, that's what was that whatever. Yeah, I don't need to get into the specific detail chicago
Coming here. Oh, yeah march or june or something may maybe I don't know can't wait may be there in may baby
Get your tickets also by the way
Uh
Get your tickets if you're in any of the cities where we're coming on tour the link is in the description
Of course come and see us. There you go. It's a fun time. It's a good time
It's a good time and as the big man would say it's a good way to introduce your friends to the pod
Get them out for a night of stand-up night of riffing night of laughs the whole nine yards
You know how many times I've been at you know, we've done the shows and somebody will walk up and they'll say
You know, I I didn't know nothing about it. I thought you two were fucking losers when I first walked in
I still think it but you're pretty goddamn funny at that
I I saw you. I was like, oh, that's a real fat piece of shit
All right, what were you bringing me to here? I don't know what kind of show it is
You know your belly's hanging out on stage here
I see you guys a little penis the whole goddamn time. I'm trying to endure myself my friend
He says hey want to come to a new show got the show
So bring the squad. Yeah the group chat
Send the send the tickling to the group chat. Hey, you have a group chat
Yeah, yeah 11 guys in there
It's pretty good couple that are quiet. I about four or five of them are quiet
Yeah, I mean the things that are in there will you know get you locked up for a long time. I uh
There's one of the first times in my life where I haven't been in a group chat
The three of us are in a group chat. Yeah, but that's business. I've owned my family. That's fun
But the kids are in that
Wait, that's fun. What are you guys talking about in the family group chat? Whatever
Trashing you mostly
My niece enough you I would be honored a couple of choice words about
That bald guy stinks. Why is he so mean to Hank?
But yeah, I don't have one of my boys anymore which sucks
Who are your boys?
Couple guys. I don't know who they are. I've never met these guys. Yeah, you have who you met some of my squad
I can't name them on the publicly the private citizens
Tom Cassidy my deli guy. Yeah
The dry cleaning guy I'm pretty close with you want to hear something. I'll tell you what
About progress. I haven't been in the pizza place so long the one next to my house that they're trying to get a wellness check on you
Hey, put a little put a little sauce on his nose
Hey, that lord ass ain't been in here. Someone knock on his door
I can't cover rent this month. He's pinwheels are backing up
I
The beef petty guy's starting to ask questions
Kip, let's talk about babble babble. Come on. You know it. Le bebelle
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I use it to sharpen up my uh, deutch
You know, of course when i'm going over there and you pick up just a little I was using other apps
I don't want to mention them
You know what I mean because I don't want to get sued by these big language corporations. That's all AI crap
They got persons. They got they got they got speech therapists doing this
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What'd they say?
uh, I saw him the other night when he was leaving I was coming in and
It was for parking
He was getting in his car
And so I was walking by the other night and he's like hey, he's like hey, man. He's like if you're ever uh
You move or something
He's like if you ever need a spot around this time call call the shop. I'm usually leaving. Oh, that's how they get your back
Trying to get me back in you're calling. Hey, why I got you on a line here. We're doing a we're doing a family special
It's like a casino when they told him the plane didn't work trying to keep trying to get me back in there
Fucking worked their magic. Yeah, you know worked. I had nine slices yesterday. What are you gonna do?
All night. I've had nine different individual slices
um
All right, let's see here there with the guy. This was big. This is um
It's from dean. Hey gang new here ever picked up and shaken a littered pack of smokes on the ground to see if they're
If they're actually empty
Definitely as a kid
Sure as a younger younger strapping buck and then the big thing even now
Uh
Is like if i'm in the car and I don't have my sigs or I have them in my I have like
There's a lot of empty packs floating around. Yeah, so it's like
You grab them. You shake them. I'm digging through the fucking glove box
It's just full of parking tickets and empty marbles lights
It's fucking and then what you don't find when you get really fucking made you get bummed out
But when you really need one every once in a while the lord shines down upon you
You open up a pack. There's like six in there
Oh, oh, what do you know? What do you say?
That's a good feeling dude
Yeah, did you ever find I found a full pack somewhere I had them and like miss cattle something
That's too much when you find what you need. That's going to really hit you
I know but the full pack you're like if that's changes the day
You know what I mean? Like that's tomorrow's problem
It's okay. This will give me my fix to start playing the stock market after that
Everything's coming up kippy jesus
um
All right here. This is from valory haven't had a question right is it garbage to use the spatula to clean the snow off your windshield?
That's bad. That ain't good
What do you use because this is my first winter with the car and I got hammed I got hammed up
Two two weeks ago or whatever. You had nothing. I had nothing and I knew I had nothing next time you go get the car wash
Are you getting the car wash regularly by the way?
Uh, yeah, and what's your real change situation? You keeping an eye on that does the car tell you?
Is it smart like that? Uh, yeah, I've gotten it. I have like
There's probably another 2 000. I don't do that much driving. I'm under 10 000 in the year. Okay
Yeah, coming up on a year. I'm like a month out and I'm at like 9,228
No, I got two bad boys in the fucking back of it and back. I had them in the teego. Uh-oh, uh-oh
You know when I was driving the teego around had them because that's just a good thing. That was part of the trading
That was most of the value in the car. I know
I'll never forget 200 bucks for that goddamn thing
Give me 75. Oh 120. I didn't know you had the uh scrapers. Yeah, the ice crusher 2000 little scraper is stunk too
Those little hand joins
You got to get one with a fucking pole on it. You know with some thing. It's got to have the brush
Yeah, if you if you if you're getting the fucking just the scraper
You might as well be using a fucking spatula
Spatula is not a bit not bad though. That makes sense. You're trash for doing it, but
You're depends on the snow depends how cold it is and it depends on the structural integrity of said spatula
Yeah, if it's some fucking tj max fucking dog shit spatula, it's gonna bend back
Like trying to fucking scoop ice cream out with a tablespoon look like a jerk off
um
I use I knew I was going to be jammed up
I knew it because I knew I didn't have one in there because it's the first winner with the car and uh
I took my dustpan and brush and cleaned off
The snow with the with my dustpan and my wife had the pan and I had the brush
This guy's out there vacuuming his windshield
Got the shot back out morning tommy
Three inches last night
Uh, yeah, I felt I knew I was going to be trash and now I got the fucking the dustpan still in the car
We don't have it in the house. There's fucking dust everywhere. I remember
Boy, do I remember I don't know where we were I'm going to order one today
We were somewhere there was some kind of miscommunication because my parents are usually pretty good with that stuff
They keep all that stuff stocked and loaded and all that crap rock salt in the fucking back of the car and all
Paranoia I got you growing up
Anyway, it must have been transferred to the other car. We took a car
Coming out of some store and it snowed. It's fucking freezing cold
My dad's got nothing
Fucking scraping the windshield with his credit card that my dad why we sat inside
in
horror
Pan he was hot that night. Uh-huh. Yikes. I used uh, uh, god damn fucking
CD case works pretty well. They were always they were always disposable in the early ups
CD case was great
Even a cd from time to time if it was a shitty mix or like an old memphis bleak album or something
You fucking you sacrifice it for the ride. You know what I mean?
And you also I mean you didn't get you didn't go fucking crazy with it
You just know what you had to do and I'll let the defrosers do the heavy lifting. You know what I mean
Which they do a lot. You just got to get them started. Yeah, that's the problem with them teslas now
They don't have an engine
So the snow doesn't fucking melt off the car
It's what they're running into
Because there's no engine in the car
Take that nerd boy. Look at that. So it stays on the car
Like obviously there's defrosters on it
But it doesn't yeah, wait
I thought they had like things where the all the snow melts off all the car
What yeah, you could hit a button and like it's like like a heated seat
But the whole car I've been looking over there on that tick tocker or whatever and that's that seems to be an issue
Really old Chevy let it warm up
Yeah, my Chevy loom dude that thing was a fucking tank
What are you saying t-bone not to be mr. D bunker guy
But you know what I heard but uh in the the tesla app has an a snow melting feature
Look at that. See he thinks everything this guy. Yeah, I just watched the yeah, wow
Oh cut this
Look at you. I'm not gonna look like it. Sure. I've been proven wrong like nine times
Anti-electric car disinformation right here, but they're half that's I have I watched a guy complaining about it
Fall fake. Oh a guy lying on the internet. No shit. Hey, nice to see you
Hey, I admit it to the three bowls of cereal
So
Fact check my fact check. Um, all right. This one. This is a good. This is a this is a good debate, which I don't
I don't know where I fall on. I think I know where I fall on this and I'm
Uh, I've been both of these guys. This is from Jay. Uh
What is more garbage?
Who is more garbage in the saying you fly I buy
The guy going to the store or the guy paying
It's gotta be the guy going I think right because he's typically
More broke. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. I was a big flyer for a long time
Say say say the the actual question one more time for me. Who is more garbage in you fly I buy
Okay, the flyer or the buyer the most garbage is
All fly you buy
That's the trashiest when the guy who has no money
Pitch because I've been that guy you pitch. I've pitched to somebody with money. Hey, want me to run and get you a pack of smokes
Really? Yeah
We're getting kitchens and stuff like that. Nobody had burnies or things were tight
You wait, so you're offering your flying services. Yes, that's bad. I'll fly real bad. That's the worst
Hey, I'm poor. Can I have some of your stuff? That's what you're saying. I'll go get a half a tank of gaze. I'll go get it
Wow, no, I'll buy you fly
You're that guy
Your class you got a couple of fojoles on you. Yeah
You're the guy you're never going to buy and fly bitcoin. You know what I mean?
You're all it's always it's always like coke a six pack burnies. It's never something classy. Yeah
Yeah, I've been not buying them flying to get fucking health care
Run up and grab a round at the bar
I'll buy you fly. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's a good one. It's a good one. It's gotta be the flyer
And then obviously you start even a question. What are you talking about the guy who's buying?
He's he's got the money and he has people in servitude
They're working for yeah, but there is something a little you know fucking
Say he's lazy. Yeah, I mean, but it's like kind of
Dismissive a bit because when you're going very dismissive. Yeah, which is not a case
Very dismissive. It's like because people would do it to me be like, hey run down and I I mean, you know
I didn't have a right away, sir. Yeah, I didn't have a I didn't have a choice hop hop on the double. You know, you just gotta fucking do it
Look alive out there. Yeah
I'm fucking running down with two cases of beer
15 boxes of pizza
Yeah, that's tough tough look but but the same as a hole is trashy
Of course, let's go get let's run to the liquor store and get beer. That's what it should be
Let's run and get an eight ball. Okay. What where?
Uh, you should be saying I buy you fly. That's a that's inherently trash. All right. I'll give you this. Yes
Okay, you're right
Because it's usually the loud cousin or aunt uncle or somebody that rolls in
That's looking for looking to make a deal. Well, I got no beers. I'll tell you what I'll buy you fly, huh? Yeah
Okay, yeah, yeah, it's trash
Put in the book
This is another one. This is from tyler, uh, florida man here new patreon just says beer on ice question mark
And he backs it up. Which would I get you got to think florida?
I think it's sort of nice and classy after a long day of work
It also sort of slows down the beer consumption medello on ice
I don't understand. What do you mean? He pours it over ice. Yeah ice. Oh, I say man beers on beers on ice is
beers in a cooler
Like ice. I thought the guy had a cooler waiting for me to get on. No on ice. Yeah, um
I don't know
You know
And this fusion age
Where we're mixing everything culture. Yeah, you know, it's as far as like cuisine doesn't because the reason I say that is because
I see a lot of people drink, uh, bloody marys with beer instead of vodka. Sure things like that the mimosa the fucking
um
The mules now, you know, the like the moscow mule. It's everything's mixed together
You know, they're sangrias and all this stuff
I don't know where you're going with this. I'm saying it's very
It lends itself to that that the the trend of fusion
These days
It makes because if you put a splash telling me ice in beer is fusion
I'm telling this it's it's dirt bag shit
If you splash a little lime in it or something like that and a touch of pineapple do a clamorita or whatever
Yeah, then it's some shit like that. But that's different. I'm talking about a fucking coarse light
A coarse a coarse light on ice
If you have it in a wine glass, I think you're okay
My buddy's that's crazy. My buddy's grandma used to do it
Uh, my mom dot
She would drink course she'd have like three coarse lights at night
And they were on ice and we tried it one day because we're all we're in college
We're all like what's she doing is crazy. I gotta tell you we have one on a hot summer day. It was all right
Like any town usa baby watching the tide roll out, you know, yeah, that's that's that's why it's all right
My point is is that everybody's mixing everything together these days culinarily
All right, why can't you put ice and beer?
That's what i'm saying it's but like I said beer isn't a maybe maybe maybe he puts a little lime in there
Yeah, that's still beer. You're supposed to do that with breaking the rules doing things that you normally people think you're making a big jump here
Well, well, I tried this guy this guy paying you on the side or something
Told him I'd get him off
I was in a couple of free t-shirts for him too. Um
How do you not get what i'm saying?
How do you not I understand that's the first step into it. I'm saying if you added another juice or something to it
But it's not it's ice. That's what i'm saying. You're you're going if you added more stuff and we're not saying that it's ice on beer
That's wildly different than like if you poured grapefruit juice in it. That's
Now that would be refreshing
Yeah
The germans do this it's called a radler. It's like half beer half lemonade
Oh my god on a hot sunny day. Does that have ice? No
All right, take it easy
Tough guy, huh? I don't know where that's what i'm talking about. There you go. Yeah, that's I understand
You're talking about another thing
Ice is a thing
That normally wouldn't go in beer. Yeah, but you're talking about stuff that adds for taste. It's a progressive approach to beer. That's what i'm saying
Okay
Sure. All right, so is it classy or trashy?
It's trashy. Okay
What I don't know what we're talking about here. This is he's got a couple rattlers and talking over, huh?
He asked if you if you put beer ice and beer is trashy and you were like the sushi burrito was
Insane you took like the most insane stance. I like the sushi burrito
But at least toby gets where I was going with it. I just wanted to be understood
I also to understand and you're talking about a completely different subject
I think they're related and I'm telling you they are not there's a thin connection there
Nothing about you was thin
There was a thin connection. No, no, no, no, no, no, no
Majority rules here. T-bone says you're out. Well, he said it was a medello
So I'm gonna assume there was a line in it, which means there is a second thing in no medello and corona in life
That's that's all you're reaching here and you're wrong and you know it two bowls of cereal. Okay
My ass your mother's ace
All right, let's see
This one's from your mother's butt don't think that's his government name
Uh ft ltay never had a question read ever own a boomerang
Man that kid's good. I gotta give you that
I I'm still gonna go. I'm sure there's
I'm sure there's video and scientific evidence to prove me wrong, but there is no way those things actually work
I think they do I they could fuck you up, too
But do they hit you? What do they take birds out of the air? What's the main purpose for a boomerang?
Is it a weapon or a toy kill dinosaurs? I think I don't get it
There's no way I can hit a bird and then come back to you. It's definitely a weapon for sure. It's a weapon. I believe so
It's a weapon started out as a weapon that became a 70s american recreational activity. Shout out to dundee. There you go. You call that a knife
If
Great movies both of them were that was just one d and crocodile
Crocodile dundee too. Let me tell you something that paul hogan. He's a hell of a fucking actor
Yeah, was he always an actor wasn't he something else? I feel maybe but bad ass tough guy
I feel like he was yeah, maybe I don't know like a rugby player or something
Maybe rock band probably did it all he didn't do much after that. Did he he was really just done over there
Yeah, over there, right? Yeah, I think he did his thing over there. He had a movie
Um
Pretty well alligator dundee pretty well well after his prime. It was an independent film. I can't remember what it was
He's a cutie cutie. Yeah tan skin blonde hair. Yeah him and the mrs
Lisa kowalski or something like that. I don't know her the lady that was in the movie with her
Ah, that's his wife fantastic. At the time or was it an on on set romance? I don't know. What am I fucking dany devito?
I don't fucking know. What's that have to do with it? He was around around there
He was boomy. He was probably had this scoop. They probably knew each other. Yeah, they probably did
Sure. Tebow. Hey boomerang. What are you doing? Jesus christ. Hey bedbugs. Let's go. Yeah
No, no longer fucking dany dial-ups over here. What do you got?
We just riffed for nine minutes on hoag paul hoagin over here
Bedbug free uh, it's used for hunting. I was trying to find what they hunt with it
It's gotta be birds. You can't be taken down a zebra with a fucking boomerang. I'm pretty heavy, man
I'm telling you they're pretty heavy and they're pretty nasty. Yeah, there's two types
There's the returning boomerang and then there's the heavy bike. That's just a fuck just a wallop something
It's like a blackjack. It's a blackjack for the sky
Yeah, Dave you throw it hard. Fuck you up. I get I get that
But how there's no way you can hit something then return to you
So there's but then what's the return one do just for fun?
No, the idea is that if you miss it comes it comes closer back to you so that you can get another shot idiot
You'd never make it in a bush, would you?
Okay, I'm gonna pull back from that
He's gonna make a couple of two tree jokes there that uh had a
How to pull an e-brake on
I've seen one in person. I've of course. I've I'm sure you have I've seen one. I've been doing a fucking outback steak
I'll see you now. Let me tell you something. Do you remember when nerf came out with those?
The the three
Had three things on it. Yeah
It's going on
those things it is thought that that's
That the shape is helpful for returning boomerangs makes it useful for hunting birds and small animals. Yeah
Now is it true or is this like, you know, australian lore?
Do they really can you well they really come back and you can catch them?
Like are they that
So the ones that you hunt with I don't think are that are that good the performance ones correct
Well, yeah, and like you can throw it and fucking
Performance. I mean what the fuck, you know, but a spoiler on his bad boy. Maybe a cool paint job
I think they're like boomerang halftime shows and shit like that. Really? We're at a rugby match
Or like at a football game. I ain't never seen that it's a pickers game
Not at the bears
I don't know where you do that my friend, but it ain't over here. I can tell you that
I think they would fuck you up. Oh, I'm sure
But I just I mean the effect the if I've never I've you only ever seen them in fucking crocodile dundee or what?
I've never you know
Never been in a street fighting someone put out a rang on you
I wanted a bow and arrow when I was a kid kmart sold a red one
That was like, yeah, you know that red one with the skinny had one. Oh that thing was lethal
um
Couple buddies had that wanted that
Just managed to smuggle in a chinese star
At some point, I don't know how I had that wanted num chucks never got them
I had the fake none. I had the the fake nun chucks never got to crossbow
Yeah, I have like the plastic ones with the with the padding on them
They were like, you know, you get a like fucking party city or whatever. Oh, yeah
Sure, halloween. Okay. Sorry the fuck talking about weapons. I'm an arm and myself here. Sure
I uh
I really wanted um
The wrist rocket
Never got one of those going over this is where you called me a bad kid
I had a wrist racket at a blow gun at a paintball gun baby guns m80s the whole blow guns insane
Yeah, that's insane. Pennsylvania or not, uh, not the state fair the flea market at the racetrack on street road
Go ahead about 15 bucks. You get yourself a blow gun. Have a little paintball. Yeah, they got an engagement ring there one year
Ha ha ha ha that knives. I was big on knives. We just talked about this, but I was big on knives. Of course. Yeah
Good stuff. All right. Let's do one or two more and rip her up over to your
Uh, bup bup, uh, this is just an of course
This is from george ever held the wheel from ever held the wheel from a passenger seat while the driver hits a pipe
That was as a child
exclusively fucking
Of course
Smo, you know fucking yeah courtesy to the driver blunt cruises or whatever, you know
But I remember doing it when I was a kid and my dad was like fucking with his coffee or something like that
My mom take the wheel first yeah grabbing the wheel
That was always a rite of passage because that was always felt like an adult you went from you went from turned around
Well, we weren't but most kids you went from turned around in the back seat to face forward in the in the back seat
to the front to the front seat
then to
Hey, hold the wheel. Were you big on seatbelts as a family? Huge. Really? Yeah, my dad was
Seatbelts all day never
Never never never at a certain point in the 80s. No, we didn't know about them even in the 90s
We'd be we'd see a cop or they did that click at her ticket right that would fake put it on
You know, they would sometimes they'd be standing at intersections when they did click at her ticket
Pennsylvania did like this initiative to every driver has to be buckled
We would just fucking fake it you too. Yeah, man. He's showing you the ropes, huh?
She got her out of game the system
Now flick your cigarette at him
Ask him if you've committed a crime
If I've committed no crime, can I please leave? Am I being held for anything? Am I under arrest, sir?
Dirt bag. Yeah
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