Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - PATREON: Hard Feelings - The Chipotle Heist
Episode Date: August 19, 2022Here is an episode of Hard Feelings w/ Kippy & Foley from the Are You Garbage Patreon Page. Join the Patreon for weekly Hard Feelings and bonus episodes of Are You Garbage. Thanks for watching. Love y...ouse guys. PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage
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One and a two and a hey fatty boy.
What's up everybody?
Welcome back to those hard motherfucking feelings, baby.
I am your host this week, Kevin James Ryan,
coming at you from down here at Tooties Basement.
But you guys are the motherfucking homies
and you know that, not even the homies.
You're a fucking $10 homies, $20 homies, $50 home.
You guys are top tier homies, top brass, baby.
My ho-ho's coming at you in a nice sea foam polo shirt.
Knock off.
It's cotton dickhead.
US Polo Association.
What is that?
What kind of brand are we looking at?
Cause there ain't no little guy on a horse on it.
I'll tell you that much.
Harbor Bay.
And I wasn't ready before we started the broadcast.
Can you smell like low tide?
Ladies and gentlemen, H. Moley.
Cheers everyone.
That cackle from behind the camera coming at you
is the one and only T-Bone McMuffin.
Toby McMullen.
What's up, dudes?
What up, T-Bone?
Toby McMullen.
Their shirt does look like that foam
that gets on top of the surf
when they have to shut it down for E. Coli.
Yeah, I don't like that.
It's called sea foam.
That's Calvin, not Calvin Klein.
Wait, is this the color?
The color.
So actual polo, Ralph Lauren.
Lorne.
Ralph Lauren.
Ralph Lifshitz.
Is that his real name?
I think so.
I could be wrong on that, but I might be.
Or maybe that's Jeff Ross's Jeff Lifshitz.
Something.
I'm about to take a Lifshitz.
I believe it's called sea foam green.
Is that color?
From polo.
Yeah.
Hey, Merrill Street.
There's mustard stains on that one.
It's a fucking Harbor Bay.
That's what it is.
I said you smell like low tide or something, right?
Have I already made that shirt before?
Yeah, it's pretty good.
Whatever.
My mom has a bunch of shirts
that don't fit my dad anymore.
You wearing your dad's clothes?
Yeah.
Like a fat eighth grader.
It's a 4XL.
I'm down a size.
Oh.
Yeah.
I'm not ready to tell some kids to get off my lawn.
You better hope it's not contagious.
I gotta catch this, am I?
This is like that commercial where they're like,
don't be like your parents.
Yeah.
Real heebie gee.
That commercial.
Dude, they're talking about the parking alone on this place.
It's great.
Everybody loves those.
Oh, they're the best.
They're all right, man.
They're all right.
There's a piece of business over there progressive.
Don't flow to beat it.
I got a little bit of news regarding the outfit.
My outfit?
No, the company.
Okay.
The company.
The company.
Uh-oh.
Woke up the other day.
Yeah?
To some charges on our card that were not authorized.
Listen, dickhead, I took my fucking niece to lunch.
She told me I could.
It was less than 100.
No, I'm not talking about you at the Bluebell Inn.
Trust me, I know.
This guy's all over me.
62.87.
See, I don't like that.
I don't like that.
I want to see it too.
I want to know where you're going.
This is fucking bullshit.
I had a salad.
How is the claims casino, Fatty?
Holy shit.
I called him requesting an itemized breakdown.
I'm like a dealer with Jack Reacher over here.
This is fucking terrible.
You're calling asking to talk to the server.
Look, buddy, he wasn't authorized to take me 30%.
I'm going to need eight bucks back.
I did leave about 30, 35%.
I used to work there.
That's not what I'm talking about.
Toby?
There's a bunch of skateboards and trucks.
Knee pads.
Did you ever hear a kid call them knee-bow pads back in the day?
I was a real suspect kid in my coldest second back.
You got your elbow pads and your knee-bow pads?
No, that's real fucking dirt factory shit.
You pulled up the charges?
No, not those charges.
Those are fine.
I told you, of course.
It's your company card.
You're allowed to use it for company.
You were talking.
We're hiring your niece as an intern or something.
I was talking shop with her.
Yeah, OK.
Jeez.
It's Snae on the axis, Tay.
That's going to come back and fucking bring his whole system down.
Dave Becky was also there, too.
And the guy from Lionsgate, stand something.
Stand Lionsgate.
Johnny Lionsgate?
What?
What's going on?
Sorry, I'm in the middle of something.
My fucking wife is at the bank and she needs something.
Oh my god.
We're fucking screwed, Toby.
I knew it.
No, no, no, no.
Hold on.
Just give me one.
Is she even your wife?
Welcome back to T-Bone and the Fatty.
On a much lower production budget.
Holy shit.
Sorry, just give me one second.
She's at the bank.
It's a thing.
She's jammed up.
She needs a marriage certificate.
A marriage?
What the fuck?
What kind of bank ask for a marriage certificate?
Jesus.
She had to recently change her name.
All of these, she got to prove that why she changed.
She's changing her name?
She already has.
Really?
She's Nadine Kippy?
Nadine bald little dick guy?
It's a hyphenate.
Whatever, I'm back.
OK.
What's going on?
Typical broad fucking thing.
She's like, never mind.
I found it right as I said it.
Forget the broad.
Who's in our account?
What's going on?
Exactly.
So I log into.
Is it Russia?
I log into our.
Oaten.
I'm sorry.
I log into our Chase banking institution.
We're talking about the blue card.
Not AMS.
Yeah.
OK.
And I see.
Because I was home all weekend.
Yeah, yeah, no, no.
Trust me.
I got a homing device on you.
You fucking doop, doop.
You're like sonar.
Stuffed an air tag in a bad role.
If you check behind your ear, there's a tag number, ZX14.
I got it.
This happened so long ago because we've
been moving and shaking with Mr. Sir Louis CK, you know?
So we're a little.
Sounds like you've been upsconding with some funds.
No, I wish.
Try to, man, I'd be fucking robbing you, idiot.
It's blind if I didn't have a soul.
If I didn't have a soul.
If I, yeah, if I didn't have one, I would be robbing you blind.
So you do have a soul.
Yeah.
OK, what's going on?
So I get an email from Uber Eats, which,
so for the listener, Foley has a credit card, a company
credit card, proper credit.
I have the bank card.
Right.
Right?
The real juice, the real mother's milk.
I could do more damage with the AMEX if I wanted to.
No, I can always claim that as stolen and over
replace the funds real quick.
Get me hemmed up in Bogota.
Let's see, sorry.
So I get an email.
OK.
From Uber Eats.
Do I have it attached to my account?
No.
OK, so I just checked, and there's a,
but I was pretty sure this wasn't that card.
Oh, man, you're both fucking suspect now.
I don't know who to trust.
I thought maybe we had ordered on the road or something
and it got put into my shit.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
So hold on.
I forgot how good this, I forgot the layers of this.
I apologize.
Let me just get my stuff off.
Bearing straight?
Yeah.
Get your story straight is what it fucking sounds like.
Where the fuck?
I'm hooking you up to a fucking polygraph.
This is egregious.
I just fucking got a new lease, god damn it.
I feel like Sal and the boys are in the other room
and they're in here.
Somebody get Murph.
I was talking to Mr. Volcano earlier today.
Got up to him.
What the fuck?
Where is this, man?
This is fucking killing me.
Hey, you're bozoing this up.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I want to have my ducks in the room
because you're going to ask 5,000 fucking questions.
And I want to have all my.
Your lies straight is what you want.
What'd you get a new breeze?
I didn't get anything.
So I wake up.
Where the fuck is it?
Tuesday.
So I wake up at a new breeze.
And I.
Sorry, bear with me.
I woke up in a bag full of popcorn shrimp.
I didn't know what was going on.
We're vamping, folks.
Vamp it, vamp, vamp, vamp.
Jesus.
Sorry.
Fuck.
I don't know why it's not searching.
It doesn't come up.
Because this whole story is a sham.
Yeah, that's right.
You're fucking lying.
I would have had fake emails, fucking fake references,
the whole nine yards.
Hard to keep the plates spinning out of the bright lights,
eh, Baldi?
What's that?
Is that a tippy, huh?
Take you downtown, find out what you fucking know.
Sick of dog on you, yours.
I'll tell you who looks great right now.
Who?
Hank.
This guy, I mean, you lie without breaking a sweat.
Buddy, I'm lying right now.
I'm not even wearing a seafoam shirt.
It's how good I am.
It looks quite soft.
Thank you.
All right, so what's the date for your fifth?
Hey, we're broadcasting here, baby.
I'm trying, man.
Don't tell me to fucking cut it or not.
What are we doing?
Just hold on.
Just fucking give me a second.
I'm sorry.
I'm OK.
Everybody's OK.
The homies on the other hand.
Except the people who stole from us.
Which would be?
Whatever.
So you're killing me here because you're breaking my stones,
but I got to find it.
OK.
So we get, I haven't found it.
I get an email from Uber Eats, your Chipotle order.
Me?
No.
Just listen to the fucking email.
If I could read the email, you weren't fucking
breaking my balls.
You gotta understand, I'm backtracking the last 30 days
to see if I did anything wrong.
It's not you.
You're in the clear.
Really?
I'll go over the AMEX charges shortly.
I get an email.
Hey, your order has been delivered.
We're going to need to see that email.
Unfortunately.
I'll get fucking, I'll get Liz Cheney in here.
She'll get to the bottom of it.
Yeah, just wait.
Honestly, just hold it.
OK.
So I have it.
We're going to jump cut to the magic of cinema.
Where the fuck is it, man?
I forgot how deep this went.
I see now we've got to put that back in.
Hell, Luke, mark it down.
All right.
You find it?
I get an email.
The problem was it wasn't, OK.
Hold on.
And we're back.
We've got to jump back in.
Yeah.
You ready?
And we're back.
Kibby just said that he has nine different emails.
That's what that put out there on record.
I do.
Well, I have the are you garbage?
If anything happens to me and Toby.
I have three.
They have four.
That was like me and Foley just got yelled at by the teacher.
And they were like, the next person to laugh gets fired.
We're trying to be respectful and quiet and just giggling.
Yeah, for the homie out there, we've
been sitting here for about a half an hour.
This bozo fucking digs up his lies.
Fucking emails, laptops.
What the fuck?
So I get an email.
So this came in Thursday.
We were in the studio last.
Me and you ordered Chipotle last Thursday, right?
So I wake up Friday, and I have an email that says,
this is from Chipotle.
It's been delivered.
And I'm like, that's weird.
I'm like, why is it coming in a day late, or whatever?
So I'm a fucking new guy loose all over me.
You stinked at that.
It's new guy Luke's first full-time day
has been blowing me up like crazy.
Well, he's got plenty of work to do on this episode.
Jesus Christ.
Fucking spit it out.
So it goes, your Chipotle order is in.
Daniel.
And I go, this don't fucking thumbs up here.
So I start looking.
I'm like, maybe it's Foley?
I don't know.
That's my first stop.
But then I'm like, oh, no.
Of course it is.
It's not on my.
What'd he get?
Well, I got it all.
I have the man's address.
He got it delivered to his house.
I have the address.
Oh, let's go.
So it's $61.50.
Did he get the extra guac?
$61.50.
What?
That's queso money.
This is ridiculous.
He got a steak burrito, white rice, black beans, guacamole
for $3.20 extra.
He got one burrito, two burrito, a barbacoa, a barbacoa bowl.
Let's go to his house.
He tipped $3.00 on it.
I got to give him that, though.
What a piece of shit.
It was a $61.00 order.
But used our debit card.
How did he get the?
I don't know.
All at Chipotle.com.
But it somehow got, he must have hacked my,
I'm thinking of this now.
But why did I get the email?
Do you think he's the hacker?
Somebody hacked my Chipotle account.
I guess it has our debit card saved in it, maybe.
Wow.
Fuck.
You can't.
Because I got the email.
If he just had my, if he just had the credit card information,
he wouldn't email me and tell me he's doing it.
What a bizarre way to use that elite set of skills.
That's what I'm saying.
Hackers get hungry, though.
You got to give him that.
Maybe he's just constantly does that.
But with the address?
I don't know.
The back door to these fast casual servers are wide open.
It's where?
Woburn, Massachusetts.
Cocksucker.
That was dirty, dirty.
We're calling the FBI.
Cast up the Kia, grab a cobar.
We're going on a road trip.
Yeah, no shit.
Give that address a Google.
I have it.
I have, dude, I have the street number.
I have one, two, three Mockingbird way.
Does it say he lives there?
No, does it say, like, no, if you Google it,
if you Google the number, the address,
does it come up Daniel fucking Alacoa, whatever?
Oh, we're going to do a little catfish here.
Yeah, we should.
I was thinking if we just go to his house, but that's just me.
Did he put a phone number to call on the order?
Ooh, let me check.
Oh, my God, please, for the love of God.
Hey, you fucking, we can't call him.
We'll fucking get into our phones.
Yeah, that way, then we're all fucked.
Yeah, that's not, that doesn't work.
Yes, it does, they did it to my mom.
They didn't, she lied to you, she did other stuff.
You can't just answer a phone call
and they hack into your shit.
We're going to get the patty in bed.
Oh, wait a second.
What?
So this is the address to the Chipotle.
Yeah.
Your delivery.
Oh, no, no, I'm sorry.
Yeah, I have his, I do have his.
I do have his.
We got a case cook in here, gang.
Uh-huh, this is why I wanted to give me the time.
This is real juicy.
I told you it was, I'm broken.
All right, all right.
All right, so obviously I'm not going to say the address.
Why not?
I don't know, what if it's not him
and we blow him up and they fucking.
And Alex Tonello goes.
Hey, talk to you, you cock sucker.
Shit, shit, shit, that is some guy.
Tonello, put it away.
Holy shit.
Yes, let's see.
All right, fine.
That's what you do?
Man, I don't trust any of these things.
Damn, it's an expensive house.
You're stealing my, it's fucking $900,000 house
and you're stealing my goddamn Chipotle money.
Holy shit.
How do you think you paid for the house?
He's probably a kid.
It's probably a fake name.
His parents are there.
It is, I think, currently for sale, maybe.
So maybe he just got it delivered, he's out front.
Like it's not his real address.
I don't know how these people operate.
Damn, that's pretty fucking good.
For a fucking.
But all for fucking.
For a burrito bowl?
I know.
Are you kidding me?
That's crazy.
This guy's got a switch car.
He's got a fucking loser.
He's doing the drop.
He's in a parking garage somewhere.
Sweeping up hairs at the barber's job.
I just switched car three times.
Hey, man, you could have reached out to him
if you were going to buy lunch.
He's got the, he's got the nun mask on and a fucking 8K.
He's covered in desodic carousel.
You never fucking show on me.
Covered in desodic carousel to throw it in a road flare.
Jesus Christ.
Watch it.
All right, so you got this punk's address, right?
So I got the address.
Hold on.
Are there any other charges?
So that's another thing.
So I caught.
I'm about to be a murder charge.
I'll tell you that.
What do you get for breakfast, this fucking piece of shit?
I pull up, so I'm like, all right, you know,
so I'm right away.
I'm like, oh, I'm fucking start scanning.
I'm like, I don't know who the fuck spent this.
This is, what's this charge?
What's this charge?
There's a couple on there.
So I call up fucking Chase.
I start and I'm like, you, this is no one's using my card.
Freeze the card.
They freeze the card.
Chase freezes the card and God will send out a new one.
I go, I can't go to a chase and get one printed.
I live right next door.
They go, no.
I go, well, when's it gonna be here?
He goes, 10 business days.
I'm like, the fuck, how am I supposed to pay for?
I'm like, how am I supposed to run a business
without a credit card?
He goes, if you need any money, just go to the bank.
I'm like, go to the bank every 15 times a day.
He's like, you live right next to one.
I can, sorry, I can see where you're calling from.
Can you at least get me some Chipotle?
His order was pretty good.
The Daniel dirtball meal at Chipotle.
Jack Arlo, what did he get?
There was two meats on there.
There was multiple, where was it?
Let's see, what did he get?
He got a steak burrito.
Hold on, a steak burrito, okay.
16 beans.
Right, hey, hey.
16 bucks for the steak, Beasy.
Oh, that's quackin' all that.
Then he got the pollo asado burrito.
That was 1480.
This is a whole crew.
He ain't eatin' all this food.
You think one guy's big enough to pull this job off?
No way.
Shit.
There's a whole system of,
probably some fuckin' sleeper sellin' on this thing.
Oh, Fencer probably in on it.
He was fuckin' playin' this whole month, dude.
No shit, this whole thing's been a setup.
Holy shit.
You one guy's gonna rip me off, okay.
I'm the Prince of Fuckin' Park Avenue, baby.
King of the motherfuckin' board.
See, we're on people's radar now.
I'm goin' off the grid.
You think some fuckin' dirtbag
and fuckin' woe burn mess
is gonna fuckin' rip me off?
All right, so we got two burritos.
We got it by the woe burn band.
It's gonna have been fuckin' Wampo.
What is it, Wampo?
So we got two burritos.
And a barbeculliball.
They probably split that.
That's to pay off the cops.
Little bit of walkin' around me, you know.
And that was delivered to that address.
Delivered to an address that I have.
That we, I mean, we have the address.
See if we can get a number on that, a phone number.
All right.
Nobody's got landlines anymore.
And they usually guard them online.
You have to pay a service to get the number.
Yeah.
I mean, what the fuck, man?
What a piece of shit.
Property records.
Now we're talkin'.
You wanna hack?
I can hack, too.
No, we can't.
www.hacker.com.
Soon as I remember my password, you're fuckin' dead.
Soon as I find my correct email address,
use are all done.
Holy shit.
Can we run one?
All right, so what are the charges?
I do have a name.
We're 140, okay.
That's not it.
That's my social security number.
299.
You fuckin' stick today.
I'll tell you that.
This guy's all fuckin', all thumbs.
All forehead.
All right, 36 records found
for someone who lives at this address.
Yeah.
Age 23.
That's a problem.
That's prime hacker age.
Yeah, it's hackin'.
Oh, play Fortnite, fuckin' nerd.
Probably listens to the show.
How many knows the movie?
You think?
If they listened to the show,
I'd allow it at that point.
No?
No.
They're freakin' out.
Uh-uh.
Don't rob me, Beach.
So I assume they hacked my Chipotle.
That's it.
Chipotle's gotta hear about this.
They're firewalls compromised.
What's that all about?
So was there other charges?
I just searched, if there's been a leak at Chipotle,
it's just people complaining about shitty burritos.
My bag's leaking.
It's the goddamn guacamole.
You didn't put the lid on correctly.
You didn't put a lid on my fuckin' diet Coke.
I hope they forgot something, Daniel.
Yeah, I hope they gave you a regular Coke
instead of a diet Coke.
Yeah, I hope they screwed you on the fuckin' cutlery.
Didn't give you silverware, yeah.
Pussy.
Eatin' with a pig.
Eatin' with, try to eat that with a chip.
That alacoa's heavy.
Whatever it's called.
Alacoa.
Barbacoa.
I'm Paul Alacoa.
And I'm a hacker.
What the fuck?
Okay.
You stink.
So, I started rollin' through the charge.
I'm like, this, this, and then I realized
they all are valid charges.
It's just all like our Uber eats and Uber.
You know, the fuck, we're down here
at the Good Time Cafe and all this stuff.
I'm like, I didn't fuckin' have this.
I didn't have the,
I didn't get coffee right next to the studio.
So it was just one charge?
One charge for $61.50.
Yeah, they probably roll,
I mean, they probably just have thousands of those cards.
They use it, try to keep trying to use it.
I would, it doesn't work.
I assume, but like, it's pretty nuts that we have.
He's brazen.
You wanna hear something nuts too?
Okay.
The name?
Yeah.
Is Daniel Ryan.
The plot.
It's an inside job.
I assume, this is my thought.
They got, I assume, maybe they hacked in.
I don't even know if I have a Chipotle account.
I assume I do.
Did you, at any point, order food
for your brother and people?
And maybe it was saving them on his phone?
Why would he be in fuckin' outside Boston?
That's what we'd like to know.
Daniel?
Yeah.
I've been for Boston this whole time.
Fucky cocksucker.
I tell you what, you sold the Philly accent really good.
Okay, okay.
So.
Somebody wants to play hardball.
All right.
So I assume it was some sort of like.
Yakuza deal?
No, like, you know, when they,
when these things get hacked or compromised,
you don't get all of the information, right?
Like it, like, some of it comes,
like you get the credit card number and not the name
or you get a portion of the name and whatever, whatever.
They could have been, they could have been like,
oh, I need, I gotta put my name Kevin Ryan in to, for,
you know, and they just guessed Daniel or found out
that my brother's Daniel or something.
I don't know.
Or you're in on it.
I'm in on it.
There's only three options.
Yeah.
They were Barbacoa, Steakburrito, and Poeyah.
What's your usual order over there?
What?
Yeah.
It's not Barbacoa, I don't touch it.
I swear.
It's all over you.
So what do we got?
Let's, let's, let's be serious here.
So we got an address.
I got an address.
Where it was delivered to.
Yes.
You don't have his phone number.
Let me see.
Order details.
It's just that payment method.
Kippy's credit.
Some fat losers card.
Yeah, that's it.
There's no other.
There's no number, no contact number.
Where does this guy live?
Barbacoa, Massachusetts?
On the east side.
Right next to Guagamoli Lane.
Your order is in Daniel.
What is it?
It's 8 36 PM on 6 24.
A lot of carbs that late at night.
That is pretty late.
Probably a couple big boys were playing with here.
Probably a couple of heavy bikes.
You know what?
Dan enjoyed a burrito.
I've seen all I need to see.
Both that was all just for him.
He's like the liver king fucking calorie.
He's really been pushing liver king.
Every, every casual conversation.
You somehow get back to that guy too.
What was the what message Whitman?
Woe burn mass.
W O burn.
Wow.
See, there is a Daniel Ryan in Woe Burn Massachusetts.
Owner carpenter Daniel Ryan Carpentry.
Whoa.
That is a common Irish dirtbag name.
I got 158 Dan Ryan's.
In Woe Burn.
Dude, they're probably all in on it.
Yeah.
But Chase did reverse the charge.
Good couple of days lost interest on it.
Fucking screw me every way.
Every way they can their fucking sense
to make sure napkins or something.
OK, let's go to the street view with us.
Let's see this.
Daniel J. Ryan.
Woe Burn, Massachusetts 105 Westgate Drive.
Apartment three, 87 years old.
This is our guy.
It's probably his grandson or something.
Hello.
It's like Whitey Bolger all over again.
I'm on the street.
I got the street right here.
You said it's an apartment.
No, it was a different address.
What's that address?
I think it would show me the wrong house or something.
I don't know who to believe in this.
I don't know what's going on.
I think this is it right here.
Fucking dirtbags.
Should go fucking firebomb the place.
That's nice.
But so it's a house, not an apartment.
I don't know.
I never said it was an apartment, did I?
I thought you did.
You said apartment three.
I said that.
Yeah, I didn't say that.
I was just trying to hide the lead of him being 87.
Our other strongest lead is 101 years old.
Man, probably got nothing to live for at that point.
So he turned to a life of crime.
Those old people steal.
You know, those old people do.
Retire, start goading.
Yeah.
Like Brooks and Shawshank wanted to rob the grocery store.
All right, so.
Maybe I'll rob a bald fat kid from Pennsylvania.
Order a couple burritos.
That'll fix them.
You're you woody from the lead store?
I was doing Brooks.
I thought that was actually pretty accurate.
I'll give it to you.
All right, let's see.
What else can we find out about this?
I'm not really getting.
There's nothing listed on that.
I don't even think this place.
I don't think this is a house.
Should we dust the email for fingerprints?
Guacamole all over it.
Nothing on it.
Piece of shit.
They got us.
I don't think there technically is 146 block
of this street, though.
He probably waited on the corner.
I see a 144, a 148.
Oh, man, this goes deeper than I thought.
This is a mysterious episode.
So we got the good people over there, Chase, took care of it.
Shout out to him.
What's Chipotle saying?
You talk to them?
Nah, kind of just once they gave us our $60 back,
it kind of just folded.
We could call them Chipotle.
And he's suspicious characters hanging out around there.
You want to call them?
Any guys with masks and sacks with money signs on them?
Anybody with an old-timey gun by any chance?
Anybody going, yeah.
Give me the burrito, you see.
What's the Curly Q mustache situation?
I'm going to tie this bra to the train tracks and get
a burrito bowl.
That's enough, Toby.
Chipotle makes it real.
Train tracks was OK.
Yeah, I mean, I think how many people
you think he's doing this to, though?
Probably a lot.
They're probably every fucking meal.
Floating the taxpayer's dime.
Piece of shit.
But how the fuck did they get my email address?
Well, do you not fucking the Pentagon?
I know, but why not if you've got,
why not use someone else's email address?
So they have my card and my email address.
That's what I'm saying doesn't make sense.
I don't think I have a fucking Chipotle.
Well, maybe I do.
Let's see if I can sign in.
Chipotle.
He probably changed your password.
That's the first move they do.
But it was to an obscure account.
Obscure an obscure account.
Email account.
And I'm in.
Wait.
I'm in.
I do.
It says, hey, Daniel.
Let's go.
What the fuck?
Let's go.
Let's go.
What do I do from here?
I need to see.
Let me go to account.
I'll take the chips.
I need to see a menu quick.
Go to a couple of tacos over.
Holy shit.
It says, hey, Daniel.
He's hacked into your Chipotle account.
He is you.
I got 489 points.
And technically, he owns half of the podcast.
And unfortunately, for that reason, you're out.
You got to do a podcast with Daniel, right?
God damn it.
Whoa.
I feel like I'm in someone else's house right now.
Go to.
He's in your house.
Dick head fucking make a move.
Everybody hit the ground.
What do you got?
Nobody moved.
What do you got?
Nothing.
I have 489 points.
I can redeem for a fountain drink or a side of guac.
Not the Chipotle.
What do you want?
You want the drink or the guac?
I know I'm going to steal a water cup.
What do you know about the perp?
What do you do?
I'm going to steal a water cup?
Nothing on that.
He's probably doing that, too.
We didn't order a drink.
I can eat all that fucking Mexican food.
I'm going to get something.
Let me use the bathroom first.
I know this kid's MO.
Pick up from, and it's 112 Commerce Way.
No, a pickup.
Yeah, that's the closest store is 112 Commerce Way.
So that's where he is.
Let's map out the store to the address.
Triangulate them.
Yeah, let's go back to the scene of the crime.
Toby, get my whiteboard.
I have my red yarn.
This is about to get wacky.
And my cheeseboard.
Keep the energy up.
Get a bottle of wine, too, while you're at it.
Wait a minute.
Did the kid have it delivered?
Or did the kid pick it up?
Delivered.
Delivered.
All right.
But I want to walk in the shoes, you know what I mean?
It could be right around the corner or something.
It could be an inside job.
Who even knows?
That would make sense.
They're just making dummy orders.
Send them to a fucking vacant place,
and then everybody's laughing on my dime.
If you work at Chipotle, would you be sick of it?
Yeah, just.
Who knows?
People are sick.
How high does this go?
Yeah, very shit.
Pelosi's probably in on it.
All right.
Crazy.
I don't want to suggest this, but it could be my dad.
He maybe moved to Boston and stole my identity.
Now, why would he do that?
He wouldn't be able to do that.
He doesn't have a hack.
He doesn't even have a cable.
He's got a flip phone.
Yeah.
If you go.
We won't rule him out.
If you go under account, what is?
10 minute drive.
From where?
From the Chipotle.
It was a 10 minute drive to drop off Daniel's food.
OK, so it's within a 10 minute vicinity.
This is if you take Commerce Way to Wyow would have.
Well, how else are you going to get there?
Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Or H. Foley Boulevard.
Did you make a left on McMullen Way?
He's in a band called the Boneheads.
What the fuck?
All right.
Son of Toby with the tracks line.
I was vamping.
What is vamping, by the way?
I feel like a band vamps.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You feel in the dead air.
Plenty of that in this one, folks.
Johnny computers.
Hey, paid off.
This is a fucking.
We're hot on the trail right here.
I feel like Neve from fucking catfish.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Ha, man.
If you go under account, it should
have like address saved and perhaps contact information.
Chipotle, Mexican.
In a photo.
My bag is empty.
Hey, Daniel, I click on the account.
Have you points history, extras, my rewards?
A profile, and a profile.
I'm looking, man, payment methods.
You.
Hey, he's got my fucking credit card.
It's safe.
Had it.
It's canceled now.
Oh, it is canceled.
Hope you're starving.
That's going to jam us up some.
Can have up to two credit cards or debit cards.
It's got both of them.
If you, if you, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
It's got my mom.
If you throw, throw something random into the cart,
and then when you check out, it might have whatever
information he gave.
There should be edit profile.
I'm in edit profile.
I'm in payment.
And there's no phone number, contact number.
All right, Daniel, that's me.
Favorite, save delivery addresses.
We have the studio.
That's the only one safe.
Fuck, now he knows where we are.
Whoa.
Yikes.
That's not good.
No.
We're going to find this son of a bitch.
I'll tell you that right fucking now.
Throwing them off our scent.
Yeah.
And definitely getting shit all the way through.
What's your phone number?
What's your phone number?
No.
You nuts.
Are you on a VPN?
What are you working with over there?
This is all from when Chrysler put his water on.
Got a water on the phone.
He fucked everything up.
And nothing's been the same since.
I don't want to say nothing.
Leaked it.
That's how the pick box do you?
They bump into you, and they grab your shit.
Saw one the other day.
Guy distracts you.
You look this way, and then they snatch your chain.
Oh, that was in the club.
I see that.
There's no information.
What do you got for it?
Nothing.
I got nothing.
That's it.
All right.
Sounds to me like Chase Bank needs
to be chased down some goddamn leads.
Well, all we can do now is turn it over to the cold case,
and who wants to contact the family?
That's his favorite in recent orders.
This is it.
He only did it once.
Still fresh.
That I know of.
Two orders, 624.
To this address?
No, it's 78, 2021.
That was eight, probably.
Yeah.
Chicken Bowl.
Yeah, that's me.
Yeah, that's kippy right there.
No, chicken bowl, chicken bowl, chicken bowl.
I didn't get to.
That was probably us three.
No, I ordered three chicken bowls.
I never get chicken from Chipotle.
I think you're in on this.
What if you have some type of split personality thing?
Who goes to Boston for the weekend?
And orders casual dining.
And probably kills a couple homeless guys.
Could be.
Man.
Daniel Ryan.
Probably not his real name.
I would assume not.
He probably.
Could it be a robo?
Could it be a robo situation?
Yeah, but then who?
But yeah, all this stuff is like, you get the money
and a deposit.
You buy something to get shipped somewhere.
But this is like, the food is perishable.
It's not like you can just like,
someone had to eat this food.
You would assume.
I think we should call the cops and have them do a fucking
drive-by at the house.
See if it shakes anybody up.
Where is the world right now?
I think we should go and we should do a drive-by.
That's at least ask around.
That might be for Patreon.
Let's go fucking track these pussies down.
I'll borrow someone's gun.
God, we don't got to kill them.
I mean, these are probably dangerous guys.
No.
You take the car.
Get the new car.
It's north of Boston.
E.
Could be the eye ties.
Dines.
Whatever.
We do have connections up there.
Who?
With the Boston Police Department and the FBI.
What?
I'm trying to increase his listener.
I know the governor of Chip Oatly.
Sure.
Well, that's it.
That's all I got.
We'll see how this shakes out.
I'll track some leads down, shake some bushes.
We're going to do a little investigation off air.
Definitely want to see what I'm going to do a little poking
around.
OK.
All right.
How far away is it from here, from New York?
Because right before we leave to get in the car,
I'm going to call them and yell I'm going to say.
Run.
I'm going to hang up on them.
Pitch a pollay.
I don't think there's an actual address to this.
It looks about four hours and 20 minutes.
If you want to take I-84, do you want to take CT-15?
Wait, what do you mean?
CT-15, I'm not paying the tolls.
All right.
Four hours, 17 minutes.
What do you mean there's not an address?
You said the.
It doesn't show up.
It doesn't give you an actual.
Is he playing stupid?
Is he in on this?
What's going on here?
He has a little touch to the head.
I'm saying it doesn't give you an actual.
Look, I'll show you.
Why does it?
You pinned down.
Let me fucking.
Where did they deliver the food to?
I wasn't there.
Or was I?
That's where we start.
Look, look, but I'm saying it's not falling.
Here's 144.
Here's 148.
Yeah?
There's no like it's not falling on anything.
It's probably an apartment complex.
And he lives on the corner.
Yeah.
He lives in that's that house right there.
But that's 140.
It says 144.
That's what I'm that's what I'm fucking saying.
He comes out to the driveway.
Let me get up on Zillow.
He comes out to the driveway.
He gets the food.
He's just standing there.
Oh, Chipotle.
Yeah, I'm Dan.
I've got a big head real good looking like me.
What are you guys doing?
Good cop, stupid cop?
I've seen this a thousand times.
Nothing comes up on Zillow either, I don't think.
I handcuffed myself.
This is you son of a bitch.
You better start talking.
It's probably the Russians.
I've been running my mouth.
Yeah, so that's 144.
I don't think that's 144.
That's what I showed you.
I don't think 146 exists.
Probably a Harry Potter type deal.
Yeah, probably secret house.
Well played, Daniel.
You got me.
Dead to rights.
Change your password on your Chipotle thing.
I don't even know how to fucking do that, dude.
You just opened the account.
You just got in there.
I didn't.
I'm going to need the credit cards moving forward.
So you can go to the blue bell and spend your $38
at Emerald Parking.
Don't think I don't see that.
What the?
Dan, they got me.
You fucking cock suckers.
All right, forget about this, folks.
All right, I forgot.
You guys want anything while I'm here?
We should get lunch.
I'm not going to lie.
I got a handkerchief for some fucking sweet corn salsa.
You know what I mean?
Picked up a new whip.
I was just in big black.
What do you call it?
Big boy.
Big boy.
Yeah.
I was just in big boy.
No, it's the hang tank.
The hang tank's pretty good.
It's big boy.
He wouldn't like that.
He's angry.
The wiener wagon?
No, he's intimidating.
He's a bulls what he is.
He's a bull.
You don't take any shit.
What?
I saw you was too fucking.
I saw everybody.
Rickshaw cut you off on fucking 6th Avenue.
I don't have to drive fast.
I drive slow with him.
He cruises the block.
You don't drive fast.
Everything comes to you when you're in big boy.
It's a good car.
That's nice.
So go give us a rundown.
I can't afford it.
I know.
You were throwing some numbers at me, sir.
And we'd have to add enough to second hard feelings
every week.
I got to say, I don't love that you got a car.
Because it's in your name.
And now I got no leg to stand on when I'm trying to trash it.
Oh, good.
Good, good, good, good, good.
Yeah, you're finally a 50-year-old.
Good, good, good.
It's regular.
Tagging title, bitch.
Come see me.
The repo man plans on it.
It's probably Daniel Ryan.
I'll need that Wampong address, whatever you got.
You're going to be parking that fucker sideways in your garage.
So here's the deal.
Back it in.
Here's the.
You can't read the plates from the street.
I done that, son.
You want to talk about trash?
Putting bushes over it.
So.
One of those nets with the stuff on it.
The camo nets.
So the drones don't see it.
Like a real psycho.
So here's the scope.
Like a swimming pool from up top?
Whatever.
They used to do that back in the Groom Lake.
They would do that shit.
They would like paint out the fucking planes
to look like different planes.
But when the Russians took pictures over top,
they'd look like just a regular plane.
But really, it was the B-1 bomber.
Turn your lights out with those things.
It's your nickname.
B-1 bomber?
Anywho, not a bad name for the car, but it's big boy.
So my lease was coming up.
The lease was in my mother's name,
even though I was paying for it every month.
All right?
Debatable.
Debatable.
Full price.
Who knows?
I mean, if you were making the payments,
you wouldn't be able to not be able to afford this one
at the same time, just saying.
What do you mean?
What do you mean?
Well, that lease is over.
Sure.
Yeah.
That lease is over.
Yeah, but it's not like you went from a Kia to a Ferrari.
You went from a Jeep to a Jeep.
The payment should be relatively aligned with what
the previous payments were.
They weren't.
The previous payments were $300.
This one's.
Your mom paid $500 on it.
This one's $5.
This one's $5.
But OK, so here's the deal.
So the car was good.
Question?
The car was up.
The lease was up on the car.
OK?
Lease was up on the car.
I could either buy the car, turn the car in, get a new lease.
Obviously, we're changing it over into my name.
Put it in my name.
So I had a Jeep latitude.
OK, for some reason, if I wanted to buy Lattie,
all right, it would have been like $634 a month.
Buy it and just fucking drive it off the bridge.
It would have been crazy.
It would have been crazy.
And if I got a new lease of that car, but a newer version,
it would have been like $700.
Something with the chips in this one
are different than the chips in that one.
But it worked out.
We got the Ritos in this guy.
We got the Ritos in that.
And everybody knows I'm a cool range man.
Spicy Nacho.
Or I'm walking right now.
So.
I had the purple one the other day.
All right.
That's spicy Nacho.
No, that sweet chili or something like that.
Sweet chili lime or something like that.
We were just talking.
I think me and T-Bone just gave this rundown.
Stop.
Stop the deal.
On the older Garden State Parkway to Sonoco.
The Doritos, all right.
You know what else was not to shake a stick at?
That I haven't had in a long time?
Pizza combos.
They're all right.
Oh, the original.
They're all right.
That wasn't the original, was it?
Yeah, it was a pizza combo, wasn't it?
The original combo.
I mean, we've done this.
We're in reruns.
OK.
Danny.
I believe it was.
It's a clip show.
So listen, let's cut the bullshit, all right?
Original.
Who are you texting?
I'm asking who the original, what the original combo was.
All right.
So that was the situation with the car, OK?
Those were my options.
So it turns out that next year, they
are redoing the body or whatever of the Griep Jank.
Griep?
Jeep?
Whoa.
Hachi, machi.
Jeep Grand Cherokee Limited, OK, which is what I got.
So they're trying to get rid of them, I guess.
I was able to get a 2022 Cherokee Limited, as I said,
at the dealership, at lease.
At 10,000 miles a year, it's five bills a month.
OK.
And the insurance wasn't too bad.
OK.
And I asked a couple of my cousins.
I asked my brother.
I asked other people, is that a real?
Because I don't want to live outside my means or whatever.
Yeah, why start now?
They all said, yeah, that's about right.
That's about right for what I got.
OK.
That's about right.
And there was literally no other fucking options.
It was either I get that one or I get the fucking thing.
There's no fucking cars.
They don't got cars.
Now, you can DM Kia.
They'll give you one right off the job, apparently.
Off the rip.
Get it off your jeep boat.
Use the appletake.
Well, I didn't want to drive a Kia.
Kevin, an American guy.
Yeah.
So you decided to upgrade from your mom's car
to a car you can't afford.
So here we are.
Yeah, we are.
Yeah.
I should be OK.
This is the phone call I received.
How much is your insurance?
I should be OK with dead rate.
That's only $9,000 a month.
I should be able to spend that.
I don't know what these humans do.
I don't know how to fucking be an adult.
I don't know what it is.
The guy could have been telling me anything I want to know.
I don't know.
However, it was an incident at the dealership, unfortunately.
Now, I had to bring Patty along.
Probably wrote me into some fucking appearance as well.
I have to make that.
Hey, you got to do the company.
We got to do the Jeep Christmas party, OK?
Put you down as a reference.
That's how it's only called.
It's outside.
I'll do $5.50 a month plus me.
He can't be all come down every Christmas for three years.
Do the party.
Do a christening.
I had to bring Patty with me because Patty had a sign for you.
Get out of the lease and turn it over to me or something
like that.
I can't remember how it all fell down.
Guys are like ticks.
Yeah, we are.
Dude, she was so panicked because like they're giving her
a check that she has to take to the bank and drop it off the bank.
And yeah, she didn't want to.
She she's like, I'm just just tell them.
My brother was like, just tell them the fucking wire.
I don't trust that.
So so we fucking go there to pick the car.
Take my name, please.
We go there to separate cars.
What? Yeah, we took two separate cars to get there
because she got the check.
She was splitting up the door to get to the bank
because it had to be there a certain day.
But it really didn't.
It was like they give you like a 10 day grace period.
You're nuts.
We get it.
So we get there.
All right.
We get there.
We sit down, but I got the insurance.
Got this, got that, got that.
But going back when we first went there, I imagine you guys
walking into the dealership, you're already fighting.
And there's some fucking car salesman sipping his coffee,
going back to town to make some money.
This one has a fucking bullseye on your head.
About to take these poor bastards for everything they got.
Keys.
So Terry, this is what is known as generational suckers.
I see from the big one.
They're all bozos.
Oh, sweet Lord.
You see the way the parents are fighting?
That means his son's retarded.
Is that your girlfriend?
No, it's my mom.
Bingo.
That's all it took was a little chom.
You're a 46-year-old man walking into a jeep dealership.
That's clear code all day, baby.
Never mind.
I was going to insinuate your mom had sex with the dealer,
like that scene in Farscombe, where he walks out and goes,
oh, your mom sure does care about your jeep grand Cherokee,
boy.
But I didn't want to be an insult by that anyway.
She might have.
So let's go back to when we were window shopping.
Did he take your mom out for a test drive, too?
Hey, let me get a 55 whore.
Go play with the radio.
When we went there initially, OK?
So we go over there.
This is last week.
I picked it up on Saturday.
So this is going back last week.
I forgot.
So we go there, try to do some business with these gentlemen.
With this gentleman.
Oh, gypsies.
So we meet behind a Kroger.
So we pull in.
I give him three teeth.
We pull in.
He checks out my car.
Pa, pa, pa.
This is what's going to be that's what's going to be.
Eddie, were there any burnies in there?
Not a fucking word.
And I had just stepped in gum.
I did.
Or no, you know what happened?
Not bragging.
This is why you cannot buy used cars.
You do not know what's going on in there.
Oh, my god.
Hope you like buggers.
Because you're driving one.
Literally.
Shout out to the latitude.
It's very sad.
So I had a.
It's happy not to have you fart in it.
What are you talking about?
It's the best days of his life, or in fact, I had of him.
I sneezed like two weeks ago when I was driving,
and I was chewing gum, and it flew out of my mouth.
I think I was on the highway or something.
You are another kind of idiot.
I said I was going to get it later, and I forgot about it.
And it's been real hot.
And so it melted into the carpet.
So I noticed that when I pulled it out.
And I thought he was just checking it out.
I wasn't looking to cut a deal.
You weren't ready for like the 1668 point inspection.
It's first date.
No, I'm not trimmed up.
Couple of how you doing?
Yeah, a little crowd work first.
So immediately he goes out and fucking takes a look at it.
And I mean, it's been fucking.
That thing was built in a heater city.
It's fucking cooked in there.
Throw on the summer AC to really bring it out of the pores.
I know.
I know it.
I was in the car no more than a week ago.
Cooking.
Didn't give a fuck.
Yeah, I'm sure they just fucking chemical bomb that.
Yeah, they denogenize it or whatever the fuck it is.
But dude, and they're so hard up for cars,
and it's this whole fucking thing.
It's wild.
The whole thing is fucking wild.
So he's like, all right, we like to call, you know,
whatever, we'll take the car, you know what I mean?
So what you want to do is, you know, two options are just
that.
The other thing, you ran some numbers on the fucking
lattice on what the new latitude would be.
You know, I can't really do that fucking.
But the car that I have is the car
that I would have, regardless of how much.
And if I was a billionaire.
No, it's not.
I'm telling you, I fucking.
You're saying that.
I'm not saying you don't.
But you also don't know what you don't have.
I don't know, man.
I don't think it gets any better than the fucking Jeep
Grand Cherokee.
That's what I like.
Sure.
That's an insane statement.
I mean, I get a helicopter, maybe, but I wouldn't drive it.
But this is also like the H Foley logic in the sense of like,
it's what you're maxed out.
It's what you could afford.
You turned a joyride in a Bentley
into a personal attack on me.
Very true.
How?
You've never been in a Bentley.
Have you?
I forget.
What was the record on that?
What I'm just saying, I'm not.
Be that as it may.
I'm not very happy with the vehicle.
I assure you are.
But to me, this is this is this.
I know you pretty well.
This reigns all true to the Disney thing of like,
Disney's fucking stupid because you can never go.
And then you're like, I don't need anything else.
This is all I need.
I'm not saying you don't love it and it's great.
It's a fantastic vehicle.
Are you trying to get out of the fact that I'm crazy?
Yeah, but to be like, that's what I would drive
if I was a billionaire.
It's like, you would for sure not.
All right.
Whatever.
Don't say that in front of big boy, though, get pissed off.
Oh, no fucking.
Here's the stitch.
It almost didn't happen.
You don't say.
You walked in and tried to get a lease,
and it didn't go smoothly.
No, it didn't.
I'll be calling Norad.
So we go in there.
Everything looks good.
You want this one?
Do you want that one?
I'm like, listen, I love this.
This is actually the car that I would prefer.
I just think I'd be.
Even if I was a billionaire.
I didn't think I'd be able to afford it.
The prices are different because they're
changing the body.
They're this, that, the other thing, whatever.
OK.
So they run my credit.
All right.
I instantly get a fucking.
I think we have the same credit now, by the way.
I instantly get fucking hit up by credit wise
that my fucking score dropped just because they're poking around.
Every time they do a hard check, you get dinged.
So now the guy that owns this place is friends with my moms.
They're almost like my cousins.
At any point during the negotiation, did you say,
come on, it's me?
There was no negotiation, which I, looking back,
I should have said, can you do any better?
But I think he was doing the best he can
in doing us a favor anyway.
I don't know.
Should I have said that?
Can you do any better?
I thought it was what it was.
No, I think it's.
It's not Casablanca.
Is there room for negotiation?
Always.
Fuck.
Sucker.
I wonder what you did.
But you walked in and paid fucking sticker price?
No, I paid whatever he said it would come out to.
No, he paid sucker price.
Yeah, we didn't even pay sticker price.
Damn.
Hey, where do you charge me?
Well, Sarah, it's going to be $1,400 a month.
Are you eating you shit?
Cars orange, too.
Strange.
No, nothing.
I want that cut.
He's half in the computer.
Where are you going?
Nowhere.
I'm just sweating.
Thought you were leaving.
So he runs the credit check.
All right, I get shot down.
Whoa.
Shot down immediately.
Now I'm in there fucking.
I went outside to have a smoke.
I'm fucking tense.
I really make your case better.
Fucking out there fucking.
I didn't smoke in that car, by the way.
Out there digging through the ashtray, looking for kills.
Patty.
That's giving me anxiety.
Dude, thinking about how she was operating.
How many times you were like, shut the fuck up.
She's like trying to like entice him.
Like talking about.
She drops her bra strap off her shoulder.
She's talking about friends of my cousins.
To like.
You still know Dabby?
So like, yeah, like make it more like, you know.
That's a family.
To the point that the dude's wife rolled in.
OK, I just, you know, stopped to see her husband on a Saturday.
This guy owns the joint.
And the wife didn't know my mom.
Hi, I'm Terry.
You know, I hear stories about him and Fred.
Yeah, him and Fred talk all the time.
And the guy's like, well, I don't really know Fred that well.
I know his brother or something like that.
I'm like, Patty, get the fuck away from me.
So he's sitting there.
He's running the thing again.
OK, I'm sitting there with him.
All right, so I'm strike one.
OK, he went to some loan people, whatever it is.
All right.
So now he's running it with Chrysler.
You went on with a Gambino crime family loan.
Who gave it to you?
He went and got your money on the street.
No institution would give it to you.
Chrysler gave it to me.
Moses, didn't they tank in the early 2000s?
They're giving money away, those fucking idiots.
This is how you coax.
But here's the cap.
I'm listening.
It's a tense situation.
This guy's run on my credit score for the fucking second time.
OK?
My mother disappears and then reappears
with a paper plate and a plain, uncooked bagel on it
with mustard squirted onto the thing.
OK?
You're following me?
As you're about to sign, like, a $56,000 contract?
Yeah.
OK.
Mustard.
And I go, where the fuck did you get that?
And she's like, they're over there.
Like, you know, like they would have it like a customer service.
I'm aware.
But they didn't.
Because five minutes later, a guy walks over and goes,
did you guys see a bagel?
So it was over by the coffee stuff.
Like, the guy was getting a bagel ran.
His phone ran.
He left his bagel.
He was getting a coffee.
Something happened.
And he walked away from it.
And my mom just took the fucking bagel.
And put mustard on it.
And put mustard on it.
No, I think the mustard he was his.
Who puts mustard on a bagel?
This whole thing doesn't make any sense.
I don't know, but she was fucking dippin' it in mustard.
I mean.
And the guy doesn't say anything.
He goes, oh, did you guys see a bagel?
She's got mustard all over her face.
Has anybody seen mustard in a bagel?
She's covered in poppy seeds.
She ate some fucking dude's lunch.
Because the guy without even.
So what kind of fucking fugazi-ass dealership is this?
The owner's there on the weekend.
The head salesman eating mustard bagels.
Your mom's stealing it.
They're giving you a call.
What's going on here, dude?
This place sounds insane.
He doesn't even look up from the computer.
He goes, don't worry about that.
And I'm fucking just staring at my mother.
This has like, this sounds like you're in a trailer.
I'm not going to, like, one of those fucking used car lots
where I got to Montego.
Out of my fast Uncle Eddie's place.
That's where we got.
This guy could sell fucking popsicle
to a lot of white gloves.
So then it comes back.
I got to prove for it.
This is what it's going to be, this, that, the other thing,
fucking whatever.
So then I got to get any insurance, right?
Getting the insurance.
So she's on the phone with them.
Who?
Patty.
To get you your insurance?
Yes, to like, because it's with USAA.
And since my dad is the service member,
it's for service members and their families.
So she's got to do the intro.
Geico originally did that, too.
That's what Geico stands for.
What?
Government Employees Insurance Company.
Oh, man.
John Fox Business School.
They really slummed it, huh?
I'm a Geico man.
Are you?
Yeah.
Got that Geico.
We have a reasonable rate, you and I.
We're just about the same.
Well, yeah, it depends.
Yeah, the bank makes you, if you're leasing the car,
the bank makes you cover high.
Cover more.
Yeah, I'd cover more.
But I forgot about that little accident
that I had two years ago, because they quoted me the thing.
When you hit the delivery guy.
No, the delivery guy hit me.
OK.
Hit me.
OK?
Hit me.
The intersection of fully-villain reality.
I was getting chappaled, like.
Well, they brought that up, because they gave me a quote.
Oh, wait a minute.
No accidents?
And I'm like, no, I'm good.
And he's like, what happened in October 19th at 542 p.m.?
Well, they know, like, the street corner.
Yeah, I feel like they did.
They got me 57 at the first.
So dropping them, picking up the car was fantastic.
But very sad leaving Lattie.
Sure, but the excitement of big black.
Yeah, but there's a little more.
So the guy that was helping me, not the owner,
but the other guy, OK?
So you go clear it.
I'll pull the thing up, whatever.
It comes around.
I'm taking the stuff out of the car.
He goes, sir, are you crying?
What?
What is wrong with you both?
Dude, that car got me through fucking so much, man.
I wish I could take her with me, but I couldn't.
And I couldn't pass up on me.
I wish that I could just keep her as a car.
Just have it.
Stop calling it her.
I get very emotionally attached to the cars.
Yeah, why?
I don't know.
All right, relax, just asking.
Yeah, I was tearing up a little bit.
And I just said, you hear me, mustard?
What the fuck is wrong with your family?
Hey, you were bagels left.
I just said, you know, I had this car
through a bunch of shit and fucking I'm sad.
Yeah, I hit a delivery driver.
There's fucking Chinese food all over the place.
It's like you hit ping inside the broad noodle.
Flat broad noodle.
I just said, I was like, whatever.
He was like, give me an English muffin and ketchup stat.
I swear to God, not skipping a beat.
He's like, you got to go back and talk to Jay.
I think the quote went up a little bit.
They saw you coming.
I guess so.
I didn't even think of it to negotiate.
What, you're crying?
Your mom's stealing bagels?
You can't negotiate.
Yeah, yeah.
You didn't negotiate.
You're crying.
I think you don't negotiate when you buy something.
No.
I could have got the least cheaper.
You for sure can't negotiate when they credit
check fucking dinghy and they instantaneously deny you.
I'll take my business elsewhere.
The insurance dinghy, your mom's
rooting through the fucking cafeteria, the employee fridge.
You stink.
Eatin' yogurt.
What the fuck?
He's got a brown paper bag that says Dan on it.
He comes out in a half a piece of birthday cake.
Apparently, Ted, congratulations, Ted.
It's his last day.
All right, guys.
Congratulations on the new car.
It's a big step into becoming a man at 58 years old.
I'm proud of you.
I also took a huge doos and clogged up the toilet, too.
Dad, I had to wait in there for like three flushes
to the point that people were not
because I needed it to fill up so I can get it down.
Yeah.
We're going to do.
I don't know.
Foley's are going to Foley.
Foley's are going to Foley.
I mean, mustard on a bagel.
Yeah, which now that I'm thinking about it,
I think she disputed that yesterday
when I called her out on it.
Yeah, of course.
She wasn't mustard.
It was something else.
Can I ask her?
Unless it was cream cheese.
Icing?
It wasn't cream cheese.
Was it yellow?
Yeah, that's why I said I thought it was mustard.
Get her on the horn.
And then we got to wrap this up.
All right.
This was a kooky episode anyway.
Let's see if we can get her.
She's a lucive, too.
Yeah, she's ducking Chrysler.
Hi, bud.
Hey, Pinhead, let me ask you a question.
What?
What was next to the bagel at the dealership?
What were you dipping it in?
It wasn't mustard?
No, it was spicy jalapeno.
Spicy jalapeno?
Spicy jalapeno, what?
Dip.
OK.
Have you been to Massachusetts recently?
No, why?
All right.
I'll call you later.
Officer from Maine.
Where?
At the mall.
I'll talk to you later.
Bye.
At the mall.
At the mall.
Is she going to the pet store?
I got to call her back.
You have to come out of it.
No, no, no, no.
We got to wrap it up.
We got to go.
That means that sounds like she's
meeting a guy in the parking lot with a cooler
and his trunk going to get what she was bragging to,
going to get lobster from Maine.
Where at the mall?
Woo!
Wee!
Oh, ladies and gentlemen, those are those hard feelings.
And we love you.
Peace.