Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Armchair Anonymous: Hotel

Episode Date: October 25, 2024

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us a crazy hotel story.Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch new content on YouTube or listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free by joining Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. Start your free trial by visiting wondery.com/links/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/ now.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple podcasts. Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dak Shepard and I'm joined by Monica Padman. Hi. Hi, this is Crazy Hotel Stories.

We love a hotel. Boy, oh boy, did we get a fucking doozy by a proprietor of a motel, or not motel, a hotel. Yeah, woo! But sometimes motel shit goes down at hotels. Just because you're in a hotel and you can't park your car in front of the door doesn't mean some motel shit's not gonna go down.

That's right. Yeah. And we hear all about it. What a story. Yeah, you loved it. I loved it. There's one line that really got you. There's some word choice that I applaud. Yeah.

Please enjoy Crazy Hotel Stories. Hello, I'm Pandora Sykes and welcome to Rivals, the official podcast. Step inside my Rutscher residence as we celebrate Rivals, the brand new original series now streaming on Disney Plus and Hulu. Those scenes between Cameron and Rupert Daraé, I heard that your first draft had to be toned down. This is the place for all the on-set gossip and real insight into how the world of Jilly Cooper's scandalous English County

was brought to your screens, including interviews with Emily Atak, Danny Dyer and many more. Somebody needs to tell Lord Baddingham Strait. There are many people in the show that does that, you know? All episodes will be available from the 25th of October, wherever's Brian Clough. We'll be talking about the footballing miracle he achieved when he backed the back European Cops with Nottingham Forest and of course his unforgettable one-liners. They won it all by cheating! And I can't wait for this one, we can't discuss Brian Clough without talking about his partnership with Peter Taylor and we'll be telling some of our favourite Clough anecdotes.

I'll also be making a bold statement that this will never happen again. Me working with Ellis will never happen again, that's for sure. Follow everything to play for in the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge seasons early and ad free right now on Wondry Plus. Crazy hotels. Ooh, these should be good. Yeah. Hotel. A lot of stuff happens at hotels. Oh my god, too much stuff. Very sad. I'm going to have to go to the bathroom.

I'm going to have to go to the bathroom. I'm going to have to go to the bathroom. I'm going to have to go to the bathroom. I'm going to have to go to the bathroom. I'm going to have to go to the bathroom. I'm going to have to go to the bathroom. I'm going to have to go to the bathroom. I'm going to have to go to the bathroom.

I'm going to have to go to the bathroom. I'm going to have to go to the bathroom. I'm going to have to go to the bathroom. I'm going to have to go to the bathroom. I'm going to have to go to the bathroom. I'm going to have to go to the bathroom. I'm going to have to go to the bathroom. I'm going to have to go to the bathroom. I'm going to have to go to the bathroom. I'm going to have to go to the bathroom. I'm going to have to go to the bathroom. I'm going to have. Crazy hotels. Ooh, these should be good.

Yeah. Hotel, a lot of stuff happens at hotels. Oh my God, too much stuff. Oh, very sexy place. Also, because hotels run the gambit so much, it could be a Motel 6, it could be- Colonial Motor Inn. Four Seasies.

They film pornos sometimes in hotel rooms. There's murders, my grandma found so many dead bodies. Oh yeah. People go to motels that kill themselves, do you know that? Oh yeah. Because they don't want to leave a mess in their own house. So interesting what happens psychologically.

Let's picture my little grandma finding dead bodies. Oh. Oh. God. Hello, can you hear us? Yeah, can you hear me? Oh, beautifully, is this Mike? It is.

Wonderful, where are you Mike? I'm in Covington, Georgia. Is this Mike? It is. Wonderful. Where are you, Mike? I'm in Covington, Georgia. Just right around the corner from my family. Oh yeah. Another Georgia boy. Yeah, I love it. Covington, that was the name of my favorite underpants, my boxer shorts I wore forever.

I wonder if they were manufactured there. Does there any underwear manufacturing happening in Covington? Not that I know of. Okay. We've got General Mills. We make cereal here. Yeah. Oh, the Battle Mills. We make cereal here. Yeah.

Oh, the Battle Creek of the South? Yeah. It's also, fun fact, the last name of the professor I was in love with. Yes, it was. So it means a lot to me of Covington. Okay, so Mike, you have a crazy hotel story? Yeah, it's pretty crazy. So we like to go to concerts, me and my wife.

We went to Macon, which is about an hour from here. We decided to get a hotel room. That way we didn't have to drive home after the show. And actually my sister-in-law, she wanted to get the points, so she booked the hotel for us under her name. So we stayed, went to the show, had a good night. We actually asked for a late check out because we had a wedding to go to the next day. And it was in the opposite direction from our house, so we didn't want to drive back home then drive all the way to the wedding. So we stayed, my wife was getting ready about 12 o'clock and I don't know about Kristen,

but when you're getting ready, I'm basically watching TV, walking around, keeping myself occupied. I go into the bathroom to talk to my wife while she's taking a shower. And behind the toilet, there's a picture and it's crooked. So all I did went and put a finger on one side, barely touched it.

And the picture came down hard and it cut the water supply line going into the toilet. Oh my gosh. So I'm like, oh shit. And my wife was like, what did you do? I said, I just straightened the picture. The water was coming in. It was like our extinguisher. Water coming in.

It wasn't a trickle of water. I'm like, what do I do? She goes, I don't know. Call the desk. I was like, all right. So I called the desk and the lady answers. She goes, Oh, trickle of water. I'm like, what do I do? She goes, I don't know. Call the desk. All right. So I call the desk and lady answers. She goes, well, just turn it off. And I was like, I can't turn it off. Yes, sir. Just turn the knob. I'm like, you don't understand. I can't just turn it off. She's like, okay, well, we'll send somebody up. Well, can I ask really quick? Why couldn't you turn the knob? Was there not a knob, a shutoff knob? There was, but where it fell, it was

like a PVC pipe coming in. It cut the PVC pipe. It's in the middle. Oh, before the valve. Before the turn off knob, yeah. But they didn't understand, they thought I was just an idiot. Yeah, yeah. So water's just coming out like a fire extinguisher.

My wife had to jump out of the shower real quick, put clothes on while she's still wet, because there's a maintenance man coming up. We get all our stuff, put it onto the bed. We're sitting on the bed, because there's water going into coming up. We get all our stuff, put it onto the bed. We're sitting on the bed because there's water going into the room. The maintenance man comes in and he looks over and he goes, why didn't you just turn it off? I'm like, I've told y'all I can't turn it off.

And he leans down to turn it off. He goes, Oh, you can't turn it off. I was like, no, he's like, I know what to do. So he calls the manager now given it took about 10 minutes to get up there. So this water's going nonstop. So now he's on the phone trying to get the manager up there. Water's still going. Mike, are you on the first or second floor?

I think we're on the third. Oh Jesus, multiple floors are in danger now. Yeah. He's on the phone and he's walking back and forth past our room and he's glaring at us the whole time. And I'm like, all I did was straighten the picture. My wife is like, they're gonna make us pay for this. And I'm like, I hope not.

So then the manager finally comes up probably about 15, 20 minutes later. And she's like, well, we gotta turn off the water to the building. Duh. The maintenance man goes, I don't know how to do that. Oh boy. He goes, do you?

She was like, no, I guess we're gonna have to call somebody. So that's another 20, 30 minutes of water just constantly running. Oh my God. The water was in the hallway going into the other rooms. Oh. And they walked across the hallway, knocking on the door. And this guy, he was in his boxers,

and he had a t-shirt on, and he had a newspaper, and he had his reading glasses on. And he just nonchalantly opened the door. And they were like, sir, are you OK? And he was like, yeah, I'm fine. And they were like, this floor is being flooded. He goes, yeah, I noticed there was water coming through the door.

I just put a towel down. And they were like, do you want us to relocate you? He goes, I got to leave here in just a minute. Anyway, I'll be good. He wasn't panicked about it. Me and my wife are freaking out cause we're like, they're going to charge us for this and this is going to cost a lot of money to fix. Thank God it was under my sister-in-law's name.

And they asked, they said, do you want to relocate? I'm like, well, you're shutting off the water, right? And they're like, yeah, well, we still gotta get ready. So we abandoned the wedding. We went back home and we're just like, you know what? Let's get out of here. They don't have our name. They can't charge us.

So we left, never heard anything back about it. My sister-in-law never heard anything back about it, but that was the time we flooded an entire floor of a hotel room. Just by fixing a picture. Oh, wow. That's rough. So the glass cut right through the PVC

or maybe the impact just broke it? I think the impact broke it, cause glass didn't break. Thank God that would have been even worse. The picture was so heavy, it just broke that PVC pipe right in half. I don't know why they have PVC pipe coming in from the toilet.

Usually it's a metal. Also what a curious place to hang a very heavy pitcher. That's dangerous in general. It could fall on someone's head. Yeah. They're making a duty. Needless to say, I'm not allowed to straighten pictures anymore. Just leave them as is.

I have a dumb question, but was the wedding in Lake Lanier, where you supposed to go a little further north? I would have to ask my wife. It was my wife's friend. It was on the other side of Griffin. I know that I was just going where she wanted me to go a little further north? I would have to ask my wife. It was my wife's friend. It was on the other side of Griffin. I know that I was just going where she wanted me to go. Oh, well, Mike, I'm glad no one saw a bill for that. Of course they should just report that to their insurance.

That shouldn't be anyone's issue. Right. And we weren't sure, but we just wanted to make sure that we didn't have to pay it. Cause I'm sure it was several thousand dollars of damage. My brother did the same thing in England two months ago. I got him a room at a nice hotel in London and he started texting me, panicked. He had left the tub running.

Oh shit. Yeah, and he flooded the hotel room. It was a super expensive place. Oh no. He panicked that we're gonna get a bill for this whole thing. Well, and that does sound like his own negligence. Well, yeah, there's supposed to be an overflow,

even if it's plugged, but I don't know, something happened. Uh-oh. I'll get a divorce if I don't let my wife come in and eat. Of course, send her in. What's her name? Liza, here she is. Hi, Liza. It's a pleasure to meet you both.

Oh, you too. What's the deepest the water got? Was it ankle deep? Yeah. Oh, it was a rough one. And where was the wedding supposed to got? Was it ankle deep? Yeah. Oh. It was a rough one. And where was the wedding supposed to be that you were gonna attend?

I honestly don't remember. It was such a crazy day. Means a lot to Dax to figure this out. Was it Senolia? No, it was outside of Griffin. Okay. Somewhere outside of Griffin. Yeah, I don't know why it's important to me.

I'm just trying to think of what was on the other side of Macon from Covington. He really likes to have the lay of the land of these stories. I feel a lot safer if I know the geography of all this. Well, I apologize. This was probably six years ago. So I was just so glad we didn't have to pay for it. Oh yeah.

And when you guys pulled out of the parking lot, you must've felt like people that just set a building on fire, like, go, go, go, go. We didn't look at anybody as we walked out the building. You know what you could have done is if they tried to get you to pay, you could have sued them and said that you don't know how to swim and that you almost drowned. Oh, okay.

Yeah, I could have done, yeah. That's a great idea. We actually did end up going swimming that day. Yeah, that's what we did. We came home and went swimming, yeah. And then the lawyers would have had footage of them swimming and said this claim is bullshit. Well, it's lovely meeting both of you.

Nice to meet y'all. Nice to meet y'all, thank y'all so much. We like our Georgians. Yeah, we sure do, neighbors. Oh, we love y'all. Oh, thank you. All right, take care. All right, you too, bye.

I always have a fantasy that one of my friend's parents is gonna call. I want them to do that. I don't have that fantasy, I wonder why. You don't have any friend's parents? My mom has a lot of friends. Not my parent's friends. Ah, my friend's parents.

Yeah. I don't have that fantasy, either. Okay, just wanted, because this happened before we were recording, I wanted to tell a hotel story of my own. I have so many, because we lived in hotels from 14 to 28, Aaron and I, doing car shows. We have a lot of bad hotel stories.

We have flooded a room or two. We've had some mix-ups. But what I wanted to tell people is that my sweet grandma, Grandma Midge, my grandparents owned a little roadside motel called the Colonial Motor Inn in Sturgis, Michigan. And it was off of a turnpike. So you get a lot of truckers and whatnot coming through. But my grandmother on numerous occasions found corpses. She'd get a call from the house cleaning staff.

It happened again, Midge. And Midge would get in the case. My grandpa didn't handle it. My grandma Midge didn't. She was hands on. Yes, for some reason that didn't scare away. And as it was later explained- Do you think she ever was involved in any of the murders?

No, none of them were murders. Oh, okay. They're all victims of suicide. And then it was explained to me by my grandmother, people go to motels because they don't want to ruin their own house. It's really sad. It's really, really sad, but my poor little grandma,

she was like five foot one, Belgium. Tough as nails. She's not poor, cause she's five one. She's feisty cause she's five one. Oh my God, maybe that's why you like young, young. Grandma. Cause of my grandma, I like young women. Yeah, no you like small women. Well my grandma, my mom, my mom's a mini.

How tall is your mom? My mom's like five three, five four. And then Kristen, or five nine. Carrie. Yeah. You've been vocal about liking that. Now I think it's all about your grandma. Minnie Midies.

Mm-hmm. Anyways, I just thought that was interesting. I think it's so sad. I mean, it's macabre. Yeah, it's pretty sad. Morbid. But it's interesting. I wouldn't have thought about that

if I didn't have a family member who found corpses in their motel Sure, I spent a lot of time in hotels in high school for cheer. No because we would go There to drink. Oh sure I did a good deal of that too We would just tell our parents was because we wanted to hang out but we didn't want to like keep our parents up They would allow you guys to go to a hotel Yeah, they didn't think we were drink Well, I don't know what they were just turning a blind eye to and what they knew and didn't wanna like keep our parents up. They would allow you guys to go to a hotel. Yeah, they didn't think we were drinking.

Well, I don't know what they were just turning a blind eye to and what they knew and didn't know. Were you allowed to spend the night there? Yeah, we spent the night there. You guys would go to a hotel for the night. This was generally kept as a secret in my town. People always lied. No, I'm at Jennifer's house.

I know that's doing irresponsible things quite responsibly. It's like, they do know where we are. What was your main hawk? God, that's a good question. I don't know, I have to ask. Cheap as possible, I'd imagine, right? Cheap as possible, but not, we still had some standards, but it was like 10 of us in one room, all drinking.

Everyone was throwing, not me, people would throw up in the tub. Would the manager come to tell you to keep it down? Would never happen. Wow, that's so fun. I know. So you probably have a really good memory of these affordable hotels. Would the manager come to tell you to keep it down? Never happen. Wow. That's so fun. I know. So you probably have a really good memory of these affordable hotels.

Would there ever be a pool? I'm sure at one point there was probably a pool. But you don't remember everyone hopping in. I don't remember much. Skinny dippy. We were drunk. Yeah, okay, blacked out. All right, let's talk to Bailey in Birmingham, Alabama.

Another Alabama? No, I just made up their location because her name or his name was Bailey. Hi! Hello! How are you guys? Hi Bailey, how are you? I'm learning how to use a Mac computer for the first time. Oh my god, that's a huge deal. Thank you, PC girly. You sound phenomenal so it's working brilliantly. Good, good, good. You look familiar, Bailey. Do I? You do.

Do you know us? Probably. Probably. Where are you, Bailey? I am in Minnesota. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. And you have a crazy hotel story? I do.

I'll first tell you a story about my submission. Okay, great. So I submitted, and then I was having intrusive thoughts that I spelled my email wrong. My brain kept telling me, Bailey, you spelled your name wrong. You spelled your name wrong. You forgot to do at gmail.com.

And so I resubmitted and I said, I am so sorry, I'm submitting twice. But I was having intrusive thoughts and I just needed to submit again and make sure I spelled my email correctly. Yeah, and did Emma say you got it right the first time or thank God you corrected this? Nobody said, so maybe the intrusive thoughts were correct.

She got her email right both times. Oh, Rob just looked it up. He did the research and you got it right both times. Hey, the intrusive thoughts didn't win. That's good, we don't like it when they win. It's like when you have to go check your stove or something. And if it's ever actually on,

that'll fuel you for another 10 years. You guys get it. Even when it's not on, it doesn't help. You don't even take on that info. Like, you know what? It's never on. You don't do that. That's the nature of it.

I kind of do. I'm like, that was so silly, but I still keep checking. That's right. My point. Yeah. Okay. So hit us with your hotel story. I will take you guys back to 2012. I was 21 or so, and naturally was going to a family wedding and I'm a cheap college kid at the time,

so I'm not gonna spend that $62 on a hotel by myself. And mom and dad aren't gonna spring for it or they will if you sleep in their room. If I sleep in the room with them, they're gonna pay for it. So my sister and I decide, hey, let's stay with mom and dad. Two queen beds, this will be perfect. So we get to the wedding.

Mom and dad have two DDs for the night. That's you and your sister? Absolutely. Well, you're 21, you're not gonna drink at this wedding? I don't know if I did. How old was your sister? Younger or older? She would have been 19.

She honestly probably was drinking. I was probably the designated. Okay, interesting. This is the Minnesota way. Mom and dad, they let loose. Why not? Good for them. We go to the wedding, all is fine.

Went back to the hotel that night, go to bed. We're a farm family, so we all knew we were gonna have to wake up probably like 6 a.m. to head home. We had an hour and a half drive back home to get chores done. Hold on a second. That's farm life.

No matter what, if there was a wedding, we don't ever get to sleep in. No, cattle still have to be fed. Gotta feed America. Yes, you do. That's really true. We thank you for your service. So the morning came and it was 6 a.m. bright and early. And I think my parents were probably

milking a hangover a little bit. So they wake up a little disoriented, kinda like, hey girls, can you guys go get us some coffee? We're like, yeah, we'll go get you guys some coffee. Let me set the scene a little bit about where our room is. So our hotel room is on the first floor. I wish I was in the room with you guys because I would physically walk how far the coffee machine was from our room. Just imagine about 12 feet. So the continental breakfast has the nice little spouts. I don't know, not a coffee drinker, but we each grab two cups because they are dying of

thirst. As we walk out, I flip that latch that keeps the hotel door open. So I didn't let the hotel door lock and I didn't bring a key. We are holding the cups of coffee. My sister's behind me. I walk in first. As we walk in, we see my mother bent over the bed with her pajama shorts down around her ankles and my dad just doing it from behind. Just plowing her from behind. Absolutely. Yeah, they're like ornery and hungover and grumpy and horny. Oh! I know that feeling pretty well. In a quiet suburb, a community is shattered by the death of a beloved wife and mother. But this tragic loss of life quickly turns

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And where are my headphones? Cause it's time to get into it. Holla at your girl. So I'm telling myself that they were definitely still drunk. So I'm holding the cups of coffee. Oh my god. Hold on. There's a lot here because you guys left and your dad's like, oh, I gotta get in there,

right? Or something. Or mom was like, oh, you gotta get it in there. One of them was like, you gotta get in there. But both of them were so optimistic of how quick they- The timing. Yeah, that they were gonna be able to get this done with and be back in bed acting asleep within a minute or two. Okay. Now, mind you, this could have all been prevented

if I would have just let that hotel door lock. But here we are. I yell, what the fuck? I'm just thankful I did not drop the cups of coffee. I set them on the table and at that point, my mom rips her jam of shorts up and she says, Bradley, I knew we wouldn't have enough time. Oh, I knew it. You did know it. We tried to be fair but we were also being unrealistic.

Oh, why did he? Oh! I knew we wouldn't have time. I knew we didn't have time, and I told you so immediately. Exactly. Now, I got to hold on a second. We got to drill a little deeper again right here, which is if I'm in that situation of my children walking, I don't want mom to separate and pull her dungarees up.

It's probably best for everyone if we just freeze and everyone gets out of the room because if mom disengages, now dad's erection's on the scene. Oh. Right? Much better off keeping it, okay, this is coming. Yeah, so at that point, my mom yells, Bradley, we did not have enough time for that.

At that same point, my dad grabs the sheet off of the bed and he does like this whew whew whips to the other side of the bed and my dad's a short stocky dad bod guy has this now toga sheet wrapped around him. Looks like a little Greek god of some sort. Sure. As he stands up and I'm like, what is happening here? So I go sit on that corner of the bed.

Oh God, you, no, not their bed. Right, but you did decide to stay. Sounds like she was, were you a little shell shocked maybe? I was shell shocked, exactly. I bet the thought crosses your mind like, oh, are we gonna act like no one saw this, so I gotta play shocked maybe. I was shell shocked, exactly. I bet the thought crosses your mind like, oh, are we gonna act like no one saw this, so I gotta play my part.

Except she already said what the fuck, and then there was already that we didn't have time. Mom already let the cat out of the bag, but I do understand that impulse to just act like everything's normal, in which case I would stay in the room and sit on the bed. Do you think that maybe is what happened? I, you don't know.

I honestly don't. I remember it was 6.15, and I have a pink flip phone at the time. And I'm like, I'm going to T9 word anybody I can right now to tell them what happened. I'm starting to send out the mass texts. You guys aren't going to believe how my morning is this just happened. This is bizarre. I remember sitting there. It was probably only a few minutes as they're getting dressed at this point. I gotta ask a very uncomfortable question, but I think people will be mad if I don't.

Dad, he's in a very thin sheet. Do we notice as he popped a tent or whatever they say? Pop, what is it? No, that's a tent, right? What do you call that, Rob? Pop a tent. Pitch a tent. Pitch a tent? Pitch a tent.

Can we see that dad has an erection that's poking out? No, thank gosh. Also, you're not looking. Well, you just, you see stuff. You're actively trying to not see stuff at that point. I think the visual of just the bending over action, plenty, yeah, that was enough. Okay, really quick, I'm gonna let you move on.

But there's so many choices that were made. I need to do this really quick. Okay, he was too hopeful and optimistic. They probably thought the door was locked or closed. That would be my guess. But also best case scenario, stay under the sheets, climb on top of mom, poke, poke, poke. That's not how they like to do it.

Clearly, to the point where it's worth the risk because if he had just got on top of her and kept the sheets on, we're fine almost. But no, he's standing and she's bent over like a saw horse. That's how she gets off, Dax, and she needs to also get hers. This is what happened. In his head, he's probably like,

okay, yeah, probably we'll take a little longer than the coffee, but maybe next to like 20 seconds and that's fine, we'll just open the door then. And mom will say, dad had to take a dump. Exactly. Okay, all right, we're back, we're back. Which is a life lesson for really anybody is just let that door lock.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let it go. So I was T9 wording all of my besties. I remember turning to my sister, who has not said a word yet, and I turned to her and I'm like, let's go to the truck now and listen to my iPod. Now.

Mind you, we have an hour and a half drive still with them. God, and your farmers. Like, I feel like some family of artists could have handled this a little better. My sister has been quiet the entire time, and we get to the truck and we're like, okay, we're just gonna listen to the iPod for the next hour and a half. No words whatsoever. And of course we don't have AirPods or anything

back in the day. So we've got the one strand between us, one ear, one ear, just jam into the iPod the whole way home. We get home and we're carrying buckets of feed to the cattle. And my sister says, Bailey, I just don't know how they thought they were gonna have enough time. I said, they didn't. Yeah, that's the big question that remains. They didn't apologize or anything? No. Just pretend it didn't happen.

You guys don't skewer them, get Christmas 10 years later, you guys don't make jokes. We might now. I think it's time. It's time for it to resurface. 11 years. Statue of for it to resurface. 11 years. Statue of limitations is up.

Yes. I gotta applaud their youthfulness though. Yeah. There's something life affirming. Yes, I was going to add that I'm very thankful that they love each other. I mean, that's a relationship that everyone strives for. Let's get a quickie before the girls come back.

Yeah, that is nice. How old were they at the time, do you think? Yeah, you were 21. Early 50s. God, your dad's a workhorse. What a stud. That is almost... I know, but you gotta understand,

men didn't get erections in the 80s once they hit 50. Wait. I think impotency was real standard for anyone post 50. I think so. Well, real standard for anyone post 50. I think so. Well, we'll get some data on this, Bailey. And report back. Yeah, you'll hear about it on a future fact check, I bet.

Well, thanks for sharing that horrible story that was amazing. I really enjoyed it. Thank you. And I just wanna do a quick shout out to my friend Paula, who's been a listener of yours since the beginning, and she's been listening for a prompt to since the beginning, and she's been listening for a prompt to submit this story, and she's actually here.

Oh, great, let's say hi to Paula. Do you care if she jumps on the mic? Let's say hi to Paula. What if it's Paula Abdul? Could be, is she in Minnesota? Hello. Hi, Paula. Oh my God, the attic, I love it.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too. I just have to say, Dax, you're my Matt Damon. Oh, Paula. We have been waiting for this prompt forever and I'm so glad Bailey got to tell it. It's so hilarious and I wish she could have told it in person because she does actions and it's just so funny. But poor Bailey. In all seriousness, like this podcast has done so much for me and you guys are the reason I'm in therapy.

So props to you guys and you're helping so many people. Oh, thank you, Paula. We appreciate that. Well, it's nice meeting both of you. Please tell Bailey we love that story. Us too. So thank you so much. Good to meet you guys.

All right, take care guys. Bye Bailey. That got crazy. She was like vanishing and she was, Bailey was suspended in air for some reason. She was slowly backing up and she was just, Bailey was suspended in air. For some reason. It looked like she was slowly backing up. Yeah, just trying to get the focus on Paula.

I was wondering if they orchestrated that whole thing. Oh, Bailey. Oh man. She's kind of the perfect person to have seen that. Can't believe he was on his feet, pounding. From behind. I think I'm having anal sex. Whoa, Jesus, what?

I'm still talking about Bailey's mom like that. That's Bailey's mom you're talking about. My God. Whoa, Jesus, what? I'm still talking about Bailey's mom like that. That's Bailey's mom you're talking about, my God. Morning anal. Also when you touched this, I thought, what if it crashed and- And broke a pipe? Yeah.

That would be fitting. I know. You can't have morning anal sex. Yes you can. No, cause you got a thump in the morning. Maybe they had already pooped. Hi there, hi. Hi, sorry. We were saying. Maybe they had already pooped. Hi there. Hi, sorry.

We were saying naughty stuff right as you signed on. Makes me happy, I love it. Are you in a bunk bed with a sheet? I am in a blanket for a bunk bed, absolutely. It's my best option. This is a first. This is good, this sounds great. A lot of ingenuity happening.

What do you do for a living? So I own a beach resort on the Jersey Shore with my family. What, cool. Oh wow, have you ever seen like this situation in the gang? No, we're not that type of Jersey Shore. We're like the quaint, family friendly, low key Jersey Shore. Were you ever curious when they were shooting that show to wander up there and see if you could see them?

I was obsessed with them. Not really our vibe, you know. We like to stay a couple islands down, but they're fun to watch, I guess. That's fair. Am I right to think We like to stay a couple islands down, but they're fun to watch, I guess. That's fair. Am I right to think that the season is coming to an end? Is it a good time for you or a sad time? No, it's great.

Couple more weeks to go and then we're done. Oh, I have a feeling this story is about your own. Oh, that would be a first, a proprietor. It is, it's about our hotel and as low key as it normally is, we see our fair share of crazy stuff. So I've got a doozy for you guys today. Oh, yeah. Okay, how many rooms are there?

I wanna get like kind of an idea of what we're looking at. 53, so we're pretty tiny. We're like a restaurant, nightclub, wedding venue. Oh, wow. This sounds very nice. Really quickly, my grandparents owned a motel and I was just telling Monica that my grandma many times found dead bodies.

Does that happen to you? No dead bodies for us, knock on wood. Okay, great, great, great, great. Oh, sorry, knock, knock, knock. There we go. Okay. All right, well, I'm just gonna dive on into it. So it's a Friday morning. I'm coming into work and we work some late night hours,

usually, so sometimes in the morning, I come in around checkout time for the hotel. I walk in, I open the front door right to our lobby, and normally it would be a pretty low key scene. It would be a couple of people checking out, people would gather in their stuff, getting ready to go. And immediately I can tell that is not the case for this morning. It is a zoo in the lobby. There is pretty much the entire hotel's worth of people standing around our tiny little lobby and they are losing their

minds. I can immediately sense the tension in the room and I'm overhearing people going like, what did you lose? I lost my beach towels, they were pottery bond, they're martygrammed, we lost all our life jackets. So I am on high alert. I can lock eyes with our front desk receptionist and she just gives me that nod like go to the office, I'm going to meet you in there. She presents me with a full yellow legal pad of missing items from hotel rooms. What? Side note, we are that idyllic little town where people leave all their stuff outside of the room at night. You leave your car doors unlocked. Everybody puts their beach towels,

their beach gear outside of their room. Never been an issue. Apparently today was not that day because almost every single hotel room had come down and reported something from outside of their room missing. Nothing like this has ever happened before. So I am in semi panic mode. We want to keep our guests happy and don't know what to do. So I'm real in trying to think what's our next step here. And in walks two of our managers and I have a manager Heather who does our front desk and a manager Tina who does our housekeeping.

And they come in and they were in earlier than me. And we've got a story for you. One of our housekeepers had walked by one of the other rooms and noticed as she looked through an open door, a boatload of beach stuff, like mountains of beach gear in a certain hotel room. So she's like, all right, we've got an issue. So, you know, it was like 1045 when I got in there, checkouts 11. So I'm like, all right, let's go upstairs and gather my girls, we head up the stairs. Some of our rooms are ocean front and they've got private balconies. So we go to the one next to this room, who's already been checked out of, and I walk out on the balcony and I'm peeking over to the next room and I'm trying to figure out, oh my God, is this it? And I just see mountains of things. All the beach towels

stacked up, puddle jumpers, beach gear, I mean, everything. So, it's now 1101, and this is no longer this lady's room. So I'm like, all right, let's go. So I leave my girls down the hallway. I go up, I knock on the door. Little side note about this lady, she's already been an issue in the hotel. You know, we've got bars, we've got a nightclub.

We've had a lot of complaints about her so far already. Ranging from just she's nosy or she's aggressive, loud. Loud, aggressive, too drunk, causing scenes, chirping up people at the bar, being rude to the security guards, like, you name it, she was doing it. She's been a handful. Okay. So I knock on the door, tell her who I am,

kind of give her the old, hey, had a couple complaints about some hotel rooms, are you missing anything? She's like, old, hey, had a couple complaints about some hotel rooms. Are you missing anything? She's like, oh, no. What are you talking about? And as she steps sort of to the side, I look over her shoulder and I'm like, how many towels did you bring with you on this vacation?

At this point, I'm like, I'm coming in the room. So I sort of just walk past her. And our rooms have a little bit of an entry hallway, and then they open up into the larger space. So I'm coming in and I'm clocking all the stuff. I'm seeing the towel with Olivia's name on it, the huddle jumper with the mermaids on it that's been reported missing. I have the list with me and I'm like, this is it. We've got a kleptomaniac

on our hand. As I walk through the threshold to the room, I look to my right and I catch eyes with somebody I know in her bed. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

So we have a lot of different bands that play at our resort and some play weekly. And I look over and one of the trombone players from a band who plays at the resort and some play weekly. And I look over and one of the trombone players from a band who plays at the resort a lot is tucked up to his chin in her bed. And just surrounded with merch. Endless gear. I mean, a hotel's full. You could have a whole camp with the amount of gear for children that is in this room. So I look at him and we're just eyes on each

other. We know each other and he's a deer in headlights. So I look over at her and I'm like, Hey, do you guys have any kids registered with your reservation? Because I know it's just her in this room. And she goes, Oh, he has kids. So she's thinking on her feet. She's moving quick. She's trying, but I know this guy and he does not have children of this age. And I've never seen him with any family of anybody at the resort. So I look right at her and I go, that's not true. Come on. And he is still just stone cold. So I'm like, listen, guys, I'm under the assumption that you've stolen all this stuff from all of our hotel guests.

I go, I'm going to take it back. I go out to the hallway, I hooty hoot my staff, and I ask them to come down, and they bring a whole crew of housekeepers. I mean, this is five, six ladies, arms full of stuff, just taking it all out. At this moment in your mind, have you tried to figure out? Because I'm immediately thinking this is the act of a super hammered person that didn't

really know what they were doing. Not so much that they actually are a thief that wants this stuff. My guess right now is she woke up and was just as surprised as you are that all that stuff was in her room. She was absolutely drinking the night before, but the reason that that's not the case is because everything was nicely folded she had mounds of towels rolled up perfectly and was loading them into her suitcase. How's she getting this out of here without people noticing? Also what the hell are you going to do with all

this stuff? It's not like it's highly resellable. I don't think it's about that it's just about the stealing. Okay. Also she is so far on left field I've just accused her of robbing the entire hotel she could care less she's smiling she's joking with me she is not defensive on left field. I've just accused her of robbing the entire hotel. She could care less. She's smiling, she's joking with me. She is not defensive at all. I'm just like, okay. So we get all this stuff out of the room and I look at the guy and I go, listen,

I'm gonna step out of the hallway. I'm gonna give you two minutes to get decent. And after that, I'm coming in, you guys are getting out of the room. I walk out, I'm not out there 30 seconds. He comes barreling out the door, down the hallway, won't even look at me. He's gone.

So I'm like, all right, I'll deal with this guy another day. I know who this guy is. So I go back in and I'm trying to just get the ball rolling for this lady. I'm like, you got to go. We're not going to call the cops. You're like, I'm not interested in that. I'm not even there. I'm just like, you got to get out of this place.

We have reclaimed everything. We're not going to make a big deal out of this, but you got to get out of here. So I'm grabbing her stuff for her. I'm literally, she brought a Keurig machine. I'm holding a Keurig. That she stole from the last hotel. Probably. She's joking about the weather.

She's saying how much she loves our resort. And I'm just like, we gotta go lady. I get her down the hallway, out to her car. As we're walking, she's detailing her plans to go to the next hotel down the street and check in. And I'm like, oh God. So I get her in her car. I'm immediately calling the other hotel owner because you know, we're a small town. I'm being like, Hey, this is coming your way.

Absolutely do not let this lady check in before I can even get off the phone. I'm beeping through with another call from our housekeeping manager. And she's like, you need to get back up here right away. I'm like, did this lady sneak back in the other side? Like, what am I getting back into? So I hustle back up there and I get in there and there's a team of housekeepers in there. They'd come in, it's already past checkout.

They're trying to get in there and clean the room. We've got a full hotel to flip over. And they are just shocked. I'm like, what's going on? They pull back the sheets and poop stains all over. Oh my. The same bed Mr. Trombone Player was just laying in. We don't have cameras in the room

so we'll never know what really happened. So he was covered in the poop when he was in the sheets? There was just poop stains, like poop juice, all over the sheets. Yeah! Oh, baby! And I don't know if I was so freaked out by the situation of the theft originally,

that I didn't smell it, didn't notice it, like the balcony door was open. But I looked down and there's one of the little maps we give out of our island that gives like tourist spots and restaurant recommendations. Somebody moves that with a glove tan, pile of poop juice. Oh my God. We look in the bathroom, poop, washcloths,

everything. Wait, what? But we deducted that they must have gotten absolutely hammered the night before, gone on a drunken rage of ransacking the hotel, and then probably celebrated with a big round of butt sacks right before they left. Yes, oh my god. Who else lays in those sheets? You're not gonna lay in poop sheets

if you're not a part of it. 100%. By the way, we got on with you and we said we were just talking about naughty stuff, it was anal. It was that, it was someone walked in after their dad, pounding mom, bent over the bed. It was like 6.15 in the morning.

And I said, well, no one had anal sex in the morning, but now we're hearing this story. Yeah, well, we don't know if it was morning or night or yeah. Poop everywhere. Wow. That's the whole story. I mean, it ended in a good note. We have a great team. They cleaned the room.

We have professional car cleaning machines. Oh my God. Like we took care of it. All the guests were happy just to get their stuff back. So it was a happy ending. Oh my God. I wonder if there was any poop on any of the stuff. People are animals.

It was nuts. It's been six, seven years since the story and we still call the trombone guy Roto-Rooter. So he stayed under your employ. Did you guys ever have any follow-up conversation about that whole sitch? He left the band for a few years and then he's been back recently. I don't give a shit. I just kind of give him a little side eye when I see him. Like, I know he has the audacity to show his face again. Well, I would say to him, listen, Karl, I'm gonna let you work here, but you shouldn't have sex with the guests.

That's off the table. But if it does happen, be mildly respectful. Clean up a little bit. Clean up. Yeah, oh, wow. We have to throw away all the sheets, all the towels, you know, everything. I mean, the room got stripped down to bare bones

and started over, but it was nasty. Talk about insult to injury. Ew, also the juice description is really something. This might not shock you, but in my 20 plus years in AA, this is the kind of story I hear, this is generally someone's bottom. Yeah, yip yip yip. Pun intended.

I just wanna thank you guys for this, this was so much fun, I'm obsessed with your podcast. I listen every week, all the shows. Thank you. That was incredible. What a morning you had. I love that. Oh, great start to my weekend. And all the guests, they were delighted when they got their stuff back. Everything was fine. Everybody was happy. Nobody caused a ruckus or anything. They were just happy to get their

stuff and go to the beach that day. Oh God, that poor woman. She's really hanging on by a thread. Let's hope she turned it around. Yeah, hopefully she's doing better things with her life these days. Oh boy. Well, Brittany, thank you, that was a blast. Before I leave, my friend Heather,

who was a part of the story, who turned me onto your podcast, is here. Do you care if she says hi real quick? Of course, let's say hi to Heather. She's our front desk manager. She was one of the ones that was a part of the beginning. Hi. Hi, Heather. Oh my our front desk manager. She was one of the ones that was a part of the beginning. Hi. Hi, Heather.

Oh my God, this is so exciting. Now, did you also go take a look at the wreckage in the bed or did you take everyone's word for it? You got eyes on that. I got eyes on all of it. It was pretty nasty. And would you also describe it as juice? Yeah, I would say juice and then some.

Okay. Okay, sure. Well, so nice meeting both of you. This was incredible. You too. Thanks so much. Bye. Take care, ladies. I kinda wanna go stay there now.

It sounds really nice. It does. I don't wanna stay in that room. Yeah, I'll ask them what room that was in. I can't believe she said celebrate it with a round of butt sex. Yeah, you really can't get rid of that. What a way to phrase that, a round.

Sounds like it might have been multiple rounds based on the amount of juice. Of sewage though. Yeah. Fucking guy was laying in it. Some people are wild. Why was he laying in it? He didn't know what to do.

Do you think the percentage of anal is higher at a hotel than it is in your home? I do. People don't want to desecrate their home with a butt, but they're fine with it. Well, look at my only story of pooping a bed was at a hotel. You've pooped a bed was at a hotel.

You've pooped a bed before in your house. No, I don't think so. Really? No, Aaron's kind of known for that. My only pooping a bed was that experience. Oh. Hello, is this Matt? Hey Dex, hey Monica, how are you guys?

Great. Good. Where are you calling us from? I'm calling from New York, Manhattan. Ooh, the big city. We love it there. Yes, the big apple. If you can make it there, you can make New York, Manhattan. Ooh, the big city. We love it there. Yes, the big apple. You can make it there, you can make it anywhere, Monica. That's what they say.

Do you know how to get to Carnegie Hall? What? Lots of practice is the answer. Oh, I'm glad there was a joke there. I really didn't understand. Adam Kirst told me that joke, I love it. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Lots of practice.

Okay, hit us with your hotel story. Yeah, so this starts in the height of COVID, going into 2021 to the end of 2020. My friend Slater and I are located in New York City. It's freezing cold, all the bars are closed, so there's not much for us to do. And with winter coming, being in a two by four apartment didn't really sound exciting.

Especially if your name is Slater. Slater's meant to be out on the town. Slater needs some action. Exactly. He actually has really good dance moves. Oh, I like that. That's a good story. Our friend Nick, who is located down in Florida, was FaceTiming us every other day trying to get us to come down and say,

it's bright and shiny down here, it's warm, it's beautiful. So Slater and I decided, let's do it. So once New Year's happened, we took a train down to Orlando, Florida. And that's kind of where we bounced around during COVID from Orlando to Miami, and then ultimately Sarasota for about six to seven months. Really quick, I'm just learning you can take a train

from Manhattan to Orlando? You have to go to Virginia, and then they have the Amtrak auto, and you load your car up, and then you take a train down to Orlando? You have to go to Virginia and then they have the Amtrak auto and you load your car up and then you take a train down to Orlando. Oh, you put your car on the train. It's super cool. Oh, wow. The tickets weren't that bad and we needed a car down there so we decided to do that.

We ended up starting in Orlando. We were renting Airbnbs month to month and then ultimately we wanted to go to Sarasota so our Airbnb finished and then the start of the new one, we had a week gap. We decided to go to Miami. We were supposed to stay with one of my friends. She happened to get COVID. So we decided to last minute book a hotel in an area of Miami. I had been around constantly pre-COVID. As we were kind of getting to the hotel, we realized that it's spring break in Miami. Oh wow. So all the cooped up COVID people were letting loose. That's when you were seeing on the news about the whole curfew

issue and mayhem going on in Miami. I do remember that, yeah. We pulled up, the receptionist at the hotel looked at us and they see us in polos and khaki shorts and nice shoes while everyone else is kind of in their swimsuit drinking in the lobby lobby, music's blasting, and we had our golf bags, our work stuff, and we're ready to work in this hotel. So when we get to our room, you have the TV and the bureau, and then the hotel gives you a desk on the right side. Slater happened to set up his desk on the right, so we're about four feet apart.

Then next morning, we hit the gym, we come back, and we just start our workday. He's on client calls, I'm on client calls. This is kind of where we developed this concept which is called the midday shower, which is basically a way to essentially break up your workday into two halves. Okay, this is proprietary. Shower, go for a walk, basically get away from your laptop and when you come back you feel refreshed. Behind him was the bathroom wall so all he had to do is basically get up turn

and go around. He turned the water on and then this is where I heard a muffled poof. The best way I could describe this noise is the shower head fell off and hit the empty tub and that's kind of what it sounded to me. I didn't know what was going on so I looked left and this is kind of where I saw debris in the air. I looked at his monitor. I saw the plastic was pointing out at him as he'd been sitting in the chair. And there was a hole through it.

Wait, what? I realized that a bullet went through it. I just jumped on the floor. Oh my goodness. Slater came out of the bathroom and he looked at me and he goes, what was that? I said, bullet. So he dropped to the floor and I crawled towards him. And then we're sitting on the bathroom floor, trying to figure out what just happened. We called 911. We said, Hey, we're in room XYZ at this location. Then we realized we have to call the hotel

downstairs. I don't know why I didn't really Google, try to call the front desk, maybe it was going to 1-800. I can't really remember. So this is where I crawled from the shower to the center of the room for the phone, called the hotel downstairs. I said, hey, I was just shot fired. And they were basically like, okay, please be safe. And then we hung up.

Thankfully there wasn't any further shooting, nothing. So we were all safe, thankfully. And I don't know what time from that period from we made the calls to when they showed up. Might have been maybe around like a half an hour and then ultimately we heard a knock on the door. Hey, it's the cops. We opened the door. He decided to escort us out safely to the elevator and the individual next door to us comes out as if nothing happened and is just walking by us. And the cop said, are you in this room? He said, yeah.

So the cop started to interrogate him and Slater and I went down to the hotel lobby into the conference room with a cop and the manager of the hotel for about an hour or so. Slater and I realized that we're in the middle of a work day. We asked the cop, can we go back upstairs? We don't want to say we're in Miami

where if you look out the window, there's partying and I'd be kind of going crazy. So we realized basically what happened. The bullet hole was through the wall, through Slater's monitor. And had he been sitting there, it would have shot him right in the chest. Oh my God. Thank God for your proprietary shower break. Exactly.

And then we realized since he wasn't sitting there, it went through the wall where the shower was located and it actually chipped the tile. So had it been maybe even a stronger bullet and Slater was in the shower, it would have hit him in the backside too anyway. So we were really thankful. So then we get our work material, we head downstairs. You guys are really good employees. I want to add that.

I know. No one's thinking about calling the boss and going like, Hey, we almost got shot a second ago. We're going to have to call some of these clients back later. We didn't want to do that. We didn't want to let them know that we were really milking out the remote work. So we kind of left it at that. We're in the conference room downstairs in the hotel lobby. And we asked the cop what happened to this guy, where the shot came from.

And the cop said that when he went into the room, the entire seat was cleaned up. So the debris wasn't on the floor from his side, and the hole was almost as if it was plastered up, and the bureau for where the TV is, he just moved it over. So essentially nothing on his side. He had said, oh, it was a champagne bottle

that exploded and went through the wall. The cop basically said, well, if you looked on this side of the hotel room, it's a completely different story. So it was labeled as an accidental discharge because I guess the rules down in Florida a little bit more liberal. So he essentially was free. No repercussions, nothing for him. Oh my God. No problem discharging a firearm in your hotel room.

Yeah. Almost killing your neighbor. Who was the dude? Was he a kid on spring break or was he another work remote adult? No, he was definitely an adult, definitely older. How old? We were 24 at the time, so he to me looked around 29,

maybe 31. Oh, okay. He's not like my age, he's not an old timer. No, no, no. Cause I was starting to think of some old timers, I mean he's gonna bring his gun in case he gets attacked and then he's moving his underpants and the gun's in the drawer.

But no, this is a 31 year old. I mean, he must've been handling the gun. He was taking the gun, I guess, out of a suitcase and it just popped. Jesus. Oh, Jesus Christ. What a fucking bozo. Oh, wow, Matt.

Wow. What a bizarre story, one of a kind. We didn't have any other. Hotel stories like this, no. We did not, you literally dodged a bullet. Nice, you rarely get to say that and it's literal. Yeah, that was fun. Well Matt, lovely meeting you. Thanks for telling us that story.

Thank you so much guys. Take care. Bye. Oh wow. Oh my god, scary. Where did you think that story was going? Cause I of course thought there was gonna be a springbreaker who did something wild, maybe crashed into the room or something in the elevator.

Okay, I thought he fell in the shower. Oh, cause he started talking about the shower. Well, he heard a big noise and I thought it was he fell and then he had to go in there in his naked body and he had to deal with the naked body. That's fair, did not see that one coming. Jeez, scary, yeah. I wonder if they celebrate it with a round of butt fucking.

Hopefully. Oh wow, that was good, hotels were good. Yeah, fun. I wanna go to a hotel. Me too. Okay, I'm going, bye. Bye, love you. Love you.

Do you wanna sing a tune or something? We know the theme song. Oh. Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show So here I go, go, go We're gonna ask some random questions And with the help of our cherries

We'll get some suggestions On the flyer, Rindish On the flyer, Rindish Enjoy. suggestion on the fire rhyme dish on the fire rhyme dish enjoy follow armchair expert on the wonderi app amazon music or wherever you get your podcasts you can listen to every episode of armchair expert early and ad free right now by joining wonderi plus in the wonderi app or on apple podcasts before you go tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry.com slash survey.