Artie Lange's Podcast Channel - 15 - MIKE BOCCHETTI

Episode Date: December 26, 2019

Artie Lange interviews his co-host and fellow comedian - Mike Bocchetti Presented by TheComicsGym.com Thanks to MyBookie.ag - If you're going to wager this weekend go to http://bit.ly/MYB-Artie and use code Artie to get a 50% signup bonus. Thanks to Blue Chew. Go to BlueChew.com and get your first shipment FREE (just pay $5 shipping) when you use the promo code ARTIE.

That's right, Mike. Calm the fuck down. Artie Lang's Halfway House is back. It's just the family for this one, guys. Oh, nice. No bullshit guests. Oh. It's me and my co-host,

Mike Boschetti. Boschetti rhymes with ready. Right? I'm always ready. Absolutely. It also rhymes with Andretti, which means nothing. Well, my mom drives

like Mario Andretti. She's got a heavy foot. You don't drive, Mike. No, it's a pain in the ass. It's easy in the city to get around. But at 58, you think you'd learn

how to drive. I was a bad alcoholic. I never wanted to drive. Well, I mean, you could still. Oh, you'd learn how to drive? I was a bad alcoholic. I never wanted to drive for a reason. Well, I mean, you could still. Oh, you never even got your license?

It's been 23 years, Allie, right? Ah. Yeah, but the only reason is how much... Allie Breen is here too, of course, Allie. Oh, my God.

A lot of the fans say, by the way, they want more banter with Mike. That's what they say. More banter with Mike Bush. This is the only reason why I got my permit.

I've never heard anyone say permit. This segment is called Mike's Permit Story. Okay, at the time, the drinking age in New York City was 18. And we're out of time. Thank you, Mike. It was 18 at the time. Right.

Drinking was 18, which is, that's trouble, man. Yeah, in New York, especially. That's trouble. So I got my learner's permit so I could buy beer. Right. That's all I gave a shit about. So you needed identification. Yeah, yeah. And that's how I did. That's all I gave a shit about. So you needed identification. Yeah, yeah.

And how did that work out for you? I loved it. My mom, well, my mom told me how to drive one lesson. That was it. Really? Really? But, and so, but, well, it didn't work though. You don't have a license.

You know what happened? We were driving and I was a psycho when I was young. Surprise, surprise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She had a 1979 Toyota, brand new car. And, and I, she goes, goes, I got my lawyer's pen. We're driving. We pick my friend Joe up, who's like this Italian greeter from Staten Island.

Right. You could just say a guy from Staten Island. Yeah, yeah. We're driving. The Italian greeter part will fill in. We're driving. All of a sudden, the bus cuts in front of me. Yeah.

I floor it with my mom in front of me. You tried to cut off a bus? No, he cut me off. Right. I'm chasing the bus, screaming my ass off. With your mom in the car? Yes, yes, yes. So your mother's 81 and she still drives around? Yeah, he cut me off. Right. I'm chasing the bus, screaming my ass off. With your mom in the car? Yes, yes, yes. So your mother's 81

and she still drives around? Yeah, she drives like Mario Andretti, though. And she drives you places? Not in the best kind of... Well, yeah. Oh, my God. I'm terrible.

Do people see you in the car? I feel like an episode of a bad sitcom. I mean, do you go to the supermarket and you sit in the front of the carriage? I hated fucking so much.

Well, you stopped about three years ago doing that. Is that... What age were you still in the fucking front seat of the carriage? I still am. Could you imagine the amount of food? Like, I'm not going to have this. Can I have that? I don't ask.

I just, you know, she'll bring... Just taking like a... You just get some mayonnaise and use the can as a hamper when you're done. Do you have any mayonnaise cans that you use as a hamper at this point? I actually love mayo, but it's bad for heart disease. Yeah, right. Yeah, but I mean, at this point, go with the mayo, do it. Enjoy yourself.

I don't think it should, because does it really matter when you die, you know, if you fucking You gotta die of something. 25 cheeseburgers the night before? No. Yeah, your artery's gonna be clogged or something. It's all about genetics, anyways. Yeah. No, it really is. Yeah, 100%. And clearly you've. It's all about genetics, anyway. No, it really is.

And clearly you've won that pool. No, it is. No, it really is. My cardiologist said that he goes, it don't matter. He goes, if you have heart disease in the family, it don't matter. Now do you have it? Yeah. Yeah, okay, well, you're done.

So my point is have the mayonnaise. It gives a shit. Yeah, but the thing is, I think I'm going to die at a salad bowl. At a salad bar? What is that? Like a football game, you mean? You mean a football game called The Salad Bowl? I would probably die at a fucking salad bowl someplace. I wouldn't trust a football game

called The Salad Bowl because salad backwards spells Dallas. Now, Mike, you see, in other words, what I'm saying is maybe you should cut down on the mayonnaise because I'm looking at your jacket. Now, this jacket looks like something like a prison warden wears. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, I like it.

But the back collar is up. Your neck fat is making the back collar up. Try to fix that. Sorry. I didn't realize. Because we're going to do something very special for the show. You know, the fans loved when we used to do improv. Oh, cool.

Remember improv back on the Artie Lang show, direct TV? New Nation's Fat Neck. Oh, no, wait. No, no, no. No, no. We would just do improv. Oh, cool. Remember improv back on the Yardie Lang show? Direct TV? New Nations, Fat Neck. Oh, no, wait. No, no, no. No, no. We would just do improv. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would give you...

Okay. So I'm going to give you... I'm going to give you and Allie a situation. Okay. All right? And then you have to do improv, all right? Okay. Sure.

I love improv. Okay. Now, okay. So here's the improv. Allie is your wife. Okay. That sounds fantastic. So this is science fiction.

So this is science fiction. So this is science fiction. Oh, you bastard. And she's trying to tell you that your daughter is going to marry a black guy. We're going to get canceled. Do I live in part of the country where I live? You live right where you live. So your Italian daughter that you love, she's going to marry a black guy. All right?

That's the scene. Okay. And go ahead That's the scene. Okay. And go ahead. Okay, honey, you know our daughter's coming home for Christmas? Yeah, I know she's coming home, but with who? Well, yeah. Wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop.

You got very static. I want to stop the improv for a second. I'm going to be stopping everyone's problem. What is that? What is that? Don't just immediately get. You have to build. I'm crushing it, though.

No, an improv has to build. You don't necessarily have to be angry. Okay. You could go a different way, but you could be angry. The funnier thing could be being angry. That's the stereotypical thing. We're trying to make fun of racism here. Okay.

Okay? And so you're the typical... Nail put the end to racism. Nail the cross in it. That's right. Is that what you're saying? Yes. You fucking...

Nail the cross in racism. You fucking fag. Let's nail... I'll put it this way. That's right. Is that you're saying? Yes. You fucking fag. Let's nail it. I'll put it this way. Whatever. Whatever, my guy. Let's nail the cross. Try saying that in Staten Island three times.

I get punched in the face. No, but I'm on Camus. As well you should. I'm on Camus now. I'll wear yoga pants, cry to Alyssa Milano. I don't give a shit. No, I know.

You'll do anything. All right. So I'm saying, in other words, with improv you have to build. So if you're immediately angry, see, I think what Ali did was nice. She'll do anything. All right. So I'm saying, in other words, with improv, you have to build. So if you're immediately angry. See, I think what Allie did was nice. She set it up.

It's very topical, coming home for Christmas. There's something coming. Yeah. It doesn't have to be, oh, she went. All right? Okay. Okay, end scene. Okay.

Honey, I have some really good news. Oh, nice. Honey. Yeah. Yeah. You know, our daughter's going to be back. Oh, good. Yeah, she's bringing someone with her.

Oh, nice. I can't wait to meet him. Yeah, he's going to be, you know, there's something you should maybe know about him. Okay. He's from the Bronx. Yeah. And. Yeah, good, Micah.

That's good. Good build. And he plays football. Strike two. That's good. Good build. And he plays football. Strike two. Wait a minute. Does he look anything like... Does he look anything like Tiki Barber? He does.

I think he resembles Tiki Barber. Wait a minute. I want to stop the improv. I want to stop the improv. Yeah, this is terrible. This is so bad. No, no, no. It's nothing you're doing.

You're guessing a famous... What if it is Tiki Barber? Then you'd be fine with it, right? I'm going to stop the improv. I'm going to stop the improv. Yeah, this is terrible. This is so bad. No, no, no. It's nothing you're doing. You're guessing a famous... What if it is Tiki Barber? Then you'd be fine with it, right? Oh, kissing... Don't you... I mean, you're giggling, you're laughing, you're breaking the fourth wall, you're also breaking the chair. Oh, God.

I mean, you have to be... Like, try to, like, act. I mean, don't you want this show to catapult you into acting work? Absolutely. I think it could. I think it... Well, it would take a whole team of people to catapult you But I think you could get acting work off of this

But you gotta take it seriously Don't just giggle You look like And then Tiki Barber Okay Just try to let it go I got a better record Try to be dramatic

Okay Just you know Be concerned And then just react Like you think Yes okay Okay go ahead Okay yeah

I mean a little Less like Tiki Bart, more like maybe like Antonio Brown. As long as you don't look like Mean Joe Green, I don't give a shit. All right, stop. See, stop that. Like, I mean, you're making,

turning this into the NFL draft. It's a fucking, it's a fucking improv. I was kind of my fault to start that one. It's a fucking, you know, all right. Let's forget that idea. Can we do another scene, change the scene over? Yeah, I know, but still, Mike, again, if you want to get acting work from the show, you have to. Can you come into scene with us and we'll take it to another point?

Me and Allie, I'm pitching a new show. Okay. A lot of people know that I pitch offensive shows on Twitter. I pitched a show about a brain-dead biracial family called Mixed Vegetables. I got death threats for that. But this is not me. I'm pitching a new show. It's about, it's a crime series

where detectives investigate retarded athletes who are being raped. It's called Law & Order Special Olympics Unit. All right? So me and Allie are going to be like from Law & Order Special Olympics Unit. We're going to be the Law & Order people. And you're going to be an athlete who was raped. Okay. Okay? You're going to be, from Law and Order Special Olympics Unit. We're going to be the Law and Order people. And you're going to be an athlete who was raped.

Okay. Okay? You're going to be – you have Asperger's. Okay. And you were raped by a Nigerian guy named Ndugu. Okay. A Nigerian gymnastics guy. Okay.

And you're into gymnastics. You're big on the uneven bars. Okay. Okay, so me and Ali, we got to try to pull it out. You don't want to tell on the uneven bars. Okay. Okay, so me and Allie, we got to try to pull it out. You don't want to tell us you were raped. Okay.

Okay, but the guy's name is Ndugu. Okay. All right? And here we go. Mike, how you doing? My name is... I am okay.

Wait, that's not... Are you doing an accent? You wanted me to be a retard. Yeah, that was a... But that sounded more like Ndugu. Are you being a accent? You wanted me to be in retargeting. Yeah, that was a... But that sounded more like Ndugu. Are you being a Middle Eastern retargeting? I was thinking more you talk like you. Okay, sure.

Do you want to be... All right, that's good. Okay, sure. I thought, I didn't think Asperger's would be this much of a stretch. No, no, we have to... In other words, you're quiet at first. We have to pull it out of you that you were raped. Okay.

All right. Mike, how are you? Okay. My name is Officer Davenport, Detective Davenport. This is Detective Clancy. Yeah. Hi, Mike. How are you guys doing?

Good. Good. Good. You're wearing a bunch of medals. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, that's nice of medals. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah, that's nice. Yeah, so you're good at what you do.

You're in gymnastics, the uneven bars. I'm a champion. You're a champion? Now, is it true you had some trouble with one of the Nigerian guys? Trainers? Yeah, one of the trainers. No trouble. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

He was kind of kind to me. Did you ever meet a guy named Ndugu? No, that fucking idiot touched me. Stop it, stop it. Again, Mike, it has to have a build. No, but retarded people yell stuff like that. No, that fucking idiot touched me. It has to have a build, Mike.

A build. Yeah, but it was building. Yeah, why don't you do your English accent? Hello, Arthur. No, I mean in the fucking scene. Because my favorite accent you do is English. Thank you, Arthur. All right, so you're going to be an English athlete who was raped.

Okay. It's like a cockney English accent. That's pretty good. It's like an awful English accent. Oh, no, it isn't, Arthur. Because I'm one of the king's men, Arthur. Because I come from the colonials. Is it true that you had trouble with one of the Nigerian athletes?

You're an English retard. Well, what do you mean by trouble, Arthur? Well, I mean something sexual happened that Officer Clancy and I should know about. Well, sexual could be quite an experience, Arthur. What do you mean by that one? Wait, cut, cut, cut. So you liked it? So in the improv, you liked it for a second?

You were raped, Mike. I kind of enjoyed it, Arthur. That's true. Oh, my God, you sound like the queen. You sound like the queen. I don't know. Again, what I want to do, part of the vehicle of this podcast is to get you acting work.

Thank you. Oh. All right, so, I mean, so, but a lot of people want to know, part of the vehicle of this podcast is to get you acting work. Thank you. Oh. All right? So, I mean, so, but a lot of people want to know you could do improv. I love improv. Do you know the World's Worst Game? Oh, yeah. World's Worst Flame and World's Worst whatever.

Right. Like, I'm just going to say, you step to the mic and I'll just say World's Worst. I'll say an occupation. Okay. And you say what the worst, the worst thing that occupation could say. Okay. You say it, right? And here we go.

And then, Allie, if you want to say a few occupations. Ready? Okay, sure. And go. School teacher. Hey, take that thing out of your mouth, kid. All right, stop. A good teacher would say that.

Okay. A bad teacher would put something in his mouth. Oh, wait. Let me start again. A good teacher would say, take that thing out of your mouth. Don't you understand? A bad teacher. put something in his mouth. Oh, wait. Let me start again. A good teacher would say, take that thing out of your mouth. Don't you understand? A bad teacher. Okay.

All right. All right. Stop. All right. Okay. And go. And plumber. World's worst plumber.

Oh, my God. I'm up for an Asian shit. God. Again, a good plumber. What an amazing shit. Again, that's not. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Try a profession.

World's worst janitor. Look at this mess. Somebody else clean this shit up right now. That's a good one. You ready? World's worst politician. Hi, I'm Donald Trump. I thought you liked Trump.

I do, but I can't really. He's just being topical. He could shut down your movies now. He can shut the narrow down. I thought you liked Trump I do but I can't really I can say I like him He's just being topical Well I mean He could shut down Your movies now He can shut the narrow down He's gonna shut them down

Severely I think I don't think so No he will I guarantee Once he's out of office He'll say Fuck that fucking idiot After he's out

But how can he shut him down What can he do to him He owns a lot of real estate He has a lot of power He has Trump buildings And stuff like that He can just say Call somebody up and go He's a dickhead I want him shut has a lot of power. Yeah, we know. Trump buildings and stuff like that. He can just say, call somebody up and go, he's a dickhead. I want him shut down.

I doubt it. I doubt that's going to happen. I don't know. You never know. Well, I mean, listen, you're a De Niro fan. You work with De Niro. Would you hate to see that? Did you like the fact that De Niro is outspoken against Trump?

No. No, the thing is, what I don't like about it is, first of all, okay, him, a bunch of other famous people, right? Right. Their job is to entertain. Joke, music, whatever it is. Much like yours is. That's what the show does.

No, what I'm saying, but the bottom line is, if he had that much balls, why didn't he run for public office then? That's a good point. He wants to change. He never would. It's very easy to be an armchair warrior. Yeah. And the people being the most vocal are, like, living behind gates.

Of course. You know, mansions. No, you're right. That's why I like Seinfeld. I've seen him at Gotham. He was so nice. Yeah. He went up, killed for like 40 minutes. You know why?

He's a billionaire, but he's still relatable to regular people. How is that? What were the jokes he was telling? He was just talking about regular stuff. I doubt this highly. No, no. He wasn't talking about yachts in fucking Nova Scotia. What was he talking about?

People don't take yachts to Nova Scotia. That's like taking a yacht to Staten fucking Island. No, but I mean, I mean, I mean, not to Martha's Vineyard. I'm sorry. Now, you wanted to talk a little bit, Mike, about the traffic in the city. Oh, it's fucking. It's infuriating. You guys both know.

It's murderous. It's terrible. Yeah, but the sad thing is people come in here from all around the country or around the world spending a shitload of money on vacation.

And raping retarded athletes. And Dugo, that fucking imbecile, I should put his head on the plate when I get home. Well, it sounds like you liked it, though. Yeah, he was kind of fun.

Yeah. But so what do you like? I don't like these rickshaw guys. I don't like these guys driving these bikes with people on the fucking back. I don't know who rides them. It's also like $2 a minute.

No, it's ridiculous, right? It's an insane amount of money. It's all a rip-off. Yeah. It's all a rip-off. People take them or you shoot people in them. I think it's supposed to be romantic to have some guy rickshaw you through the street.

Go to Central Park and get a horse and carriage if you want that, really. Horse and carriage? Yeah, yeah. That's better. Women like that. Yeah, but I'm not Mr. Politically Correct,

but I hate what they do to horses, man. Sometimes you look at the horse. That's brutal, too, because shit. Yeah. Especially pulling you

in the back, I wonder. Me in the back, I wonder. It'd be terrible. I love that people complain about the horses, but not the people who have the carts

on their back. I know. No one's like, hey, that poor guy who's bringing a horse from the Midwest. But I think it's part of human slaving,

human trafficking. Don't you think so? part of human slaving, human trafficking. Don't you think so? Those guys with the bikes, they're forced to do that. They couldn't want to do that. Yeah, but the guy... And they're right in front of you. You're in a fucking taxi. There are ambulances. People are dying of heart attacks in an ambulance.

I know. Because one of whom came here from North Korea. I know. It's horrible. To flee the dictator. Yeah, but the smart guys ought to. Halal guys on 53rd and 6th.

Why is that? Because they set up right next to your house. That food is fucking incredible. I was going to tell, I was going to ask those guys, hey guys, why don't you package yourself

and sell this across the country? Yeah. Well, they do. Yeah, I think that they're franchised. Yeah. They are franchised. They are? I mean, I think they're out of New York.

Yeah, but they sell that shit all over the place. No, but I don't think it's one company. It should be. It's not like McDonald's. It should be. They'd make a killing.

I remember I read it wrong. They are making a killing. No, but here they are. Remember 9-11? No, but they're not Arabic, though. They made about 3,000 killings on that one. They're not Arabic, though. What are they?

You know why? Because I know what Arabic and Farsi sounds like. What is it? Really? My neighbors from Saudi Arabia. Let's hear your Saudi Arabian accent. What's the difference? Yeah, let's hear the difference. I don't speak it, but I know what Arabic and Farsi sounds like. What is it? Really? My neighbors from Saudi Arabia. Let's hear your Saudi Arabian accent. What's the difference? Yeah.

No, no, but I don't speak it, but I know what it sounds like. You don't speak anything. No, but the thing is, by growing up to it, you know what it is right away. And it's nothing like how it sounds. Right. And they're not like, ah, no, no, no, no. You know what I'm saying? Sorry.

Okay, here's another improv. You ready? Allie and I are your parents, and you're telling us you're gay. Okay. Okay? You're going to have to tell us you're gay. Okay. All right.

Mike, your mother and I, we understand that you'd like to talk to us. We're very concerned. You usually don't... Well, I have something to announce. Oh, really? It's kind of interesting and kind of fun. I enjoy every minute of it, actually. All right, cut.

Wait a minute. That's the creepiest thing ever. So you're talking about... That's a weird intro. You're talking about ass-fucking? No, no. I just love the fact that somebody smothered me with their meat hooks. No, I'm trying to take it seriously.

I mean, this is the kind of stuff I really think you could do dramatic acting. Thank you. You know? So, I mean, try to really kind of stuff I really think you could do dramatic acting. Thank you, Art. You know? So, I mean, try to really make it build up to where you're coming out to us. All right? Mike, your mother and I are here. It's the holidays. We're so glad to see you.

It's good. We're glad to see you back from the living room. Oh, thank you. Where you stay usually. We're here in the kitchen. I understand you have something to tell us. Yeah, well, you know, something's been going on inside of me for a long time, since childhood probably.

Something's inside you? No, no, something inside of me that's not easy to really come out with. It started about when I was five years old. Oh, really? What is it? I'm gay. Boy, that was terrible. I mean, it's just, I mean...

I think that's how it would happen, though. You'd just have to come out and say it, right? I don't know how else you would do it. Yeah, now what if I just punch you in the face? How do you think your father would react to that? He would have freaked out. Really? Well, he, my mom, well, he really

would have freaked, because I'll give you a good example. When I was like seven years old. Give us a bad example. I wanted to be an actor at a young age, really super young age. My cousins would come over and would go to my grandmother's house. She had like clothes from years ago, like from the 40s in that time period. Would put on a play. My father goes, get out

of that fucking sissy uniform, shithead. Well, a 1940s thing was a sissy uniform? No, no, no. Like, would put clothes on and do a play. He goes, get out of that uniform. My son's not a sissy. Sit here and watch the fucking Met Fools. Yeah, well, my father hated Mr. Rogers.

My father thought Mr. Rogers was gay. And if he saw it on, he would get, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, there's a lot of homophobia. The mindset is true. Well, Staten Island, too. Well, and not the only thing, because my mom had three cousins who were gay. Three brothers. Right.

That are gay. Three? Wow. Three of them? Yes. That's what happens in families. If there's one gay guy, there's often more. Yeah.

Or three of them. Wow. But three, two of them, right? So maybe you are. Have you ever had that? Yeah. One was super militant gay, you know, like Stonewall type gay guy that wouldn't take any shit and knock you the fuck out.

Like that kind of guy. Really? Well, like an angry gay guy. No, just like a tough gay guy. What about the other two? One was somebody's woman, I think. You mean the bottom? It was the opposite of.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would you be a top or a bottom? No, I'm the boss. I am. No, I know. Well, again, but in jail, that's true. If you fuck around with a gay guy in jail, if he has a husband, like, the husband will come for you, man.

Oh, God, they'll kill you, murder you. The husband will come for you. But if you're, like, an effeminate gay guy, you must be the belle of the ball in jail, right? Don't guys go for that kind of thing? Yeah, I mean, but it's like a marriage. And if they

fucking, you know, think you're fucking with them, or her, you know, whatever, they will take you out, bro. Well, growing up, they had a lisp. One of my cousins had a major lisp. Well, that's a sign of a gay guy. Well, listen to this, right? We used to watch Bewitched. I loved that show growing up. Right. With Paul Lynn. And Paul Lynn was obviously

good. I go to my mom, why does he speak funny like that? You know what I mean, right? She goes, he has a speech impediment. She would never come out with it like in those days. Yeah, but Paul Lynn was almost ridiculous to try to, for someone to say Paul Lynn wasn't gay. Charles Nelson Reilly.

Well, they both sounded exactly like... James Coco. I mean, Charles Nelson Riley would breathe in like he was taking in a dick every five seconds. I think James Coco definitely.

Well, yeah, he was out, I think. They were all out eventually. But not then, though, right? Because no one really talked about it.

No. Yeah, when I was a kid, we would go to They were out and in. Yeah, people knew, but they didn't say. They were great talent, no matter what.

They were fucking awesome. Well, for like Hollywood Squares, it would be sexual sometimes. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there would be gay they didn't say it. They're a great talent, no matter what. They're fucking awesome. Well, for like Hollywood Squares, it would be sexual sometimes. Pull in, oh yeah. Yeah, there would be gay stuff in Hollywood Squares. But him? I just have to remember, why do you speak funny like that? My mom goes, well, he has a speech impediment.

They would never tell you it would get, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, but, you know, I'd be more embarrassed by a speech impediment nowadays. What about, so you have three uncles that are gay? Oh, three cousins. Three cousins. Well, two of them passed away and one's still here. Oh, okay.

Well, one tried women for a while. He didn't like it, though. Yeah. Did the others have never tried women? No. And my dad's sister was gay. That's gold stars. What about you trying a woman?

Well, let them try me. Now, do you still go to hookers every once in a while? No, those days are done. I clean myself up. I don't need hookers now. Well, I mean, listen, you know, the audience wants to get to know you. No, but the hooker days were fun, but I was also young. Yeah, but so would you get the, would you?

Oh, we had a hooker named Buffalo Annie downtown. Buffalo Annie? Yeah. Wow. She wasn't really fat. She was kind of cute. She was named after her favorite wings. Maybe.

I was like 20-something. She had 20 years on me. You know what I mean? So she was like 40? I was like late 20s. She had to be late 40s. How much? Buffalo.

So was that like... I mean, how many hookers did you go to? Well, we'd go to this place on 12th Street and 2nd Avenue. East Village. Oh, yeah, yeah. It was like Alphabet City. That was a different... It was just a place to go get stabbed.

We got up. Or blown by someone named Buffalo. We got upstairs, and it'd be a blackboard with women's names on that. Right. Oh, so it was like a brothel. Oh, yeah. It was like girls on the street. And we'd go, give me that one, right?

Yeah. It was this really fucking hot one. How much was Buffalo or Annie for like a- Ten bucks. For a blow job? For everything that works. What? The whole thing was ten bucks?

Half and half was ten bucks. I guess a bag of heroin was 50 cents back thing was $10 a month? Half and half was $10. I guess a bag of heroin was 50 cents back then. Oh, my God. Half and half was $10. And her name on the door was Buffalo Annie? Describe, yeah.

Describe what a half and half is. She blows you in your bag. That's a half and half. Yeah, but that's a hole in hole. Yeah, that is. That's both. Things are the fullest. That's what I mean.

Yeah, that's a half and half. But you tipped him, too. That could be a good one. How much for a reach around? You know what? what I mean. Yeah, that's half and a half. But you tipped him, too, to give you a good one. How much for a reach around? You know what? Certain things they didn't do. Could you get a hand job? Wait, they didn't do a reach around?

Wait, wait, wait. So you could fuck her mouth and her pussy, but she wouldn't give you a hand job? No, you could have that. I mean, you went in, but there was- Well, I could reach around. There was this real one-hug girl. You mean she couldn't physically reach around you? There was this really one-hug. There's some things I won't do, honey. There was this really one hot girl. You mean she couldn't physically reach around you? There was this really one hot girl.

There's some things I won't do, honey. There was this really one. Because I can't do it. You're a big Buffalo Annie. You're like, oh, come here, son. What was really. Come over, sit on Buffalo Annie's lap. My friend thought he was an idiot.

He got punished. He thought he was an idiot? Well, you know what happened? My friend Joe was telling you earlier about. Yeah. We went there, right? And he seen this hot girl he wanted. He pushed me out of the way to go for her, right?

Right. And three weeks later, part of my friend... He died of a hernia? No, part of my friend's alley, right? His dick was burning like an Indian sheep every time he pissed. He had to lift up his dick with a popsicle. And chlamydia. That happened to me.

That happened to me. Well, should I say this story? I don't know if I can say this story. Yeah, go for it. You know, the tunnel people? Like, you know, the whores by the tunnel. Oh, good. Tunnel, tunnel, yes.

I'm pretty sure one of them, I'm pretty sure, looking back, this was like 1987. I was about 19. Me and my buddies. God, I could get them in such trouble right now. Well, they weren't married. But, yeah, I think the chick put a used rubber on me. Oh, no. Oh, that's disgusting. And I got used rubber on me. Oh, no. Oh, that's disgusting.

And I got like chlamydia. Oh, no. I mean, I've been tested. That's the only thing I got. I can't, you know, be sure, but I think that's what you did. Why? Because you saw her put a rubber on, but then you still got it. Yeah, but it was like.

It didn't come out of a wrapper? Yeah, everything. Like, I'm sorry. Yeah. It came off another guy? I was all fucking. That was the first clue. She took it right off Buffalo Annie.

But my friend Joe was a psycho. She took it right off Mike. Yeah, but at least you were. My friend Joe was a psycho who would bang hookers without a rubber in those days. No, you can't do that. There were a bunch of little Mikes around. No, but just look at the 80. He didn't give a shit.

He was a psychopath. Yeah, that's like. That was post-aids. Yeah, post-aids. You don't want to do that. How was it $10? Is there a time limit or something? I mean, anything goes for $10.

As soon as you came, it was done. You were out of there. And how long would it take you to come in Buffalo Annie? I took my time. She goes, what's wrong with you? Because I was drinking it one day. They yell at you if you're not coming fast enough. She goes, what's wrong?

She got insulted. No one insults Buffalo Annie. Nobody takes longer than 10 seconds to come in my ass. Well, she got pissed at me. She goes, what's wrong with you? She pissed at you? No, I was drunk and we were drinking and she goes, what's wrong? You can't

come there in a head. I go, what? I go, but you were challenging masculinity. I go, I go at this because I like it. It's like a would challenge your masculinity. No, but I go with this because I like it. It's like a charm's lollipop. Take your time with it. Yeah, yeah. Boy, just like in the improv games, you're a real charm.

So would that make you, would talking dirty make you come quicker? Oh, yeah, if she said to me. No, no, no, but I'm saying you, like, you know, you fucking whore, I'll kill you. Oh, yeah, yeah. What about threatening them with a gun? Would that make you come? No, but if they talk filthy to me and belittled me, it helps.

Allie, all I can say is I'm sorry for this. This is so enlightening. I have no idea. But I don't get how guys do. So if you're in a room and your guy picks the same girl, do you just go fuck the girl right after your friend did? Well, listen, at my one buddy's bachelor party in Philadelphia,

we all got these street hookers. And this one chick was this like 300-pound black chick, and she was right off the street. And she had a tattoo of her dead brother on her neck. It was her dead brother. And he had like a gold tooth that was kind of colored in. And when she was blowing you, it looked like her brother was actually blowing you. It was very disconcerting. But she was eating.

When she got done with my buddy, she was sitting on the bed at a Motel 6, and she was eating a Big Mac. Oh, God. And I said, what are you doing? She goes, next guy wants me to shit on him. Out of the corner of her mouth, she goes, next guy wants me to shit on him. Oh, God almighty. I mean, a Big Mac?

Yeah, but that's the insanity you're dealing with, that kind of shit, though. It's fucking sick. Yeah, but it sounds like you welcomed it. I did. Yeah, you got to be careful. You got to be careful. But the thing is, it was definitely, like, you had to get in this place. It was definitely a connected place because we had to have it.

Oh, yeah, Buffalo Ain't Has a Work for a New Year. No, no, because, no, I'm serious, because they gave us, like, a business card. Any losers. A business card that you had to give them to get up there. Yeah. And it was, like, this big little cabracha sitting at the door. We got there all the time.

On 2nd and 12th, what year are we talking about? 87, 86. You know what's there now? It's probably a Tom Varvatos. Yeah, I know. And a coffee bean. No, you're right. It's probably a soul cycle.

No, it is. I'm sure, really, right? That's how fucked and awful the city's gotten. Imagine how fun it used to be. It was fun. And on 2nd and 12th where there's probably a soul cycle,

a soul fucking pussy cycle, right next to a rickshaw driver in some fucking gluten-free muffin place, where that place is right now used to be a place where a chick named Buffalo Annie

would fuck you for 10 bucks. I know. Half and half! You know, Mike Buschetti could go to 2nd and 12th used to be a place where a chick named Buffalo Annie would fuck you for ten bucks. Half and half! Mike Buscetti could go to second and now you wouldn't be allowed in SoulCycle. They'd laugh you away. They'd laugh me away. They'd fucking laugh me away, too. How about I ask one of those whores?

No, but... SoulCycle. If you show a gold credit card to a daughter, they won't laugh. Absolutely. No, I know. Imagine how fun the city is. if you show a gold credit card to the daughter, it won't laugh. That's probably... Absolutely. Oh, yeah. No, I know. Imagine how fun the city used to be. How fun the city used to be. Buffalo Annie sitting there with venereal disease.

Yeah, but it was also dangerous. With one hand on one knee like this. What do you want? Giving out rim jobs. Yeah, giving out a rim job for five fucking bucks. It was also dangerous, though, too. Well, yeah.

Yeah, weren't you terrified going to places like that? Yeah. That it's a setup or something? Oh, I can remember going to bars in the meatpacking district and doing coke off the pool table. Oh, yeah. Playing eight ball, doing an eight ball. Like, just fucking having fun. You're right.

They outlawed fun. People would murder you in Alphabet City years ago. Oh, yeah. Now it's a fucking, again. But don't you think the pendulum will swing back a little bit? I don't think it's going to swing back to Buffalo Annie. Well, definitely not that far. It's not going to go from Starbucks to Buffalo Annie.

Imagine right now there's some asshole named Noah waiting for his macchiato. There's some asshole writing in his journal, writing in his fucking video journal on his fucking iPad. No, you're right. Where Buffalo Annie used to sit and blow you while she was shitting. A reverse Blumpkin. She would blow you while she was shitting. That's Buffalo Annie.

No, but you're right. But there's certain things she won't do. There's certain things I won't do. Like reach around your enormous stomach. Yeah, but you're right. There's a room full of trust fund euro trash with fucking fake screenplays there now. Exactly. Boy, Mike, that came from the heart. I know but you're right. There's a room full of trust fund euro trash with fucking fake screenplays there now. Exactly. Boy, Mike, that came from the heart.

I know. Really, what? Where was that in the improv? Jesus Christ. That was back in the Wolf of Wall Street days too, right? Was that the same time? Yeah, yeah, sure. That was like 87. Yeah, like 83. Midgets. Were there any midgets there? Midget hookers there? No. You said you fucked a midget hooker on Delancey Street. No, I never did. A black woman. Beautiful. Oh, you went from midget to black?

What? That's why I love kind of blah, blah, blah. You're Nubian princess. Yes. Now, how much was she? A little cheaper, I'm sure. I think she was like 15 bucks. So you found girls you liked, and you would go back to the same girls? Well, at this place, there was this girl

in the alley named Elena. She was Peruvian. She was a beautiful girl, right? Nice girl. Oh Peruvian. She was a beautiful girl, right? Nice girl. My God. She wore a red dress, right? And she growled at me. That's what turned me on to her. She growled at you?

Because I picked her out, and she goes, Carl. Oh, my God. Yeah, I worked up. I'm like, what? And so what? Did you fuck her? I came in two seconds. She went, Carl.

Wait, just from that noise? That's amazing. She got me worked up like that. That hot and stuff. I came in two seconds. She went, Kyle. Wait, just from that noise? That's amazing. She got me worked up like that. That hot and stuff. I got in there and was all the way. You should see the movie Cats. Yeah. You'd go nuts.

Yeah. Like Cat's Deli. That's what the movie Cats should be about. Cats delicatessen. Be a bunch of fat fucks just eating. Yeah, I saw that movie. That looks weird. That looks creepy.

Judi Dench is a cat? You know what I mean? It's like, you know, it's like, you know, what's-her-face fucking Miss Wonderful. Who's the singer everybody loves? Taylor Swift.

Taylor Swift. Yeah. Taylor. You think Taylor... Remember, now Taylor Swift is in Cats in a theater where Buffalo Annie used to blow you

while she was shitting. A reverse Blumkin for 10 bucks. Oh, but theater on First Avenue and 12th Street, right? I think there's one. Oh, yeah. theater where Buffalo Annie used to blow you while she was shitting. A reverse Blumpkin for $10. Theater on 1st Avenue and 12th Street, right? I think there's one. I mean, not like... The block from fucking Miss Annie. Yeah, yeah. I forgot the theater. Wait, there's still something there? No, no. Oh, you're talking about the theater.

It's just a regular movie theater. Showing some stupid artsy film. Artie Lang's Halfway House is brought to you by Blue Chew. This was big probably in 2nd and 12th. Could you imagine House is brought to you by Blue Chew. This was big probably in second and 12th. Could you imagine what Buffalo Annie could do with Blue Chew now? She would murder someone

who's changing her hair. How many $10 fucking reverse Blumpkins would you have got? She's 86 years old now unfortunately. You need to say, she's probably dead.

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Again, that's Blue, B-L-U-E, Chew.com, promo code ARTIE. Try it for free. Blue Chew is the better, cheaper, faster choice. We thank them for sponsoring the podcast. What about that, Mike? Do you think if you had Blue Chew back then, would you have just ever gone home? I never would have left.

I would have got an apartment on 12th and 2nd. Did you ever fall in love with any of them? The girl from Peru was fucking smoking hot. I wish I could convince her to be a regular woman. The growler? Yeah. Do the growl again. But you did it every time and it always worked?

God, that's disgusting. She did it twice. She's an incredible fucking woman. That noise, the way you... That's all he knows about her. That made her incredible. No, but she got me worked up. She winked at me and went...

Well, I think the play Annie was originally Buffalo Annie. No, but the thing... How about that? A Buffalo Annie says to her... No, but the sad thing is... And now it's a buffalo Annie says. Buffalo Annie says. You started getting close to people that we went there so much.

I mean, you know, they start to be like your family. Well, we went there like a couple times a week sometimes. But what about your poor mother, Mike, who I love, who one day will be sitting by the foot of the Lord, and I can't wait for that day. Not because she's going to be gone, because she's going to be happy. And you're going to be looking around for someone to do your laundry. But

your mother, when she hears these stories, what does she think? She don't know about them. Well, she's going to know now. Does she listen to the podcast? She probably does. She listens to the Artie Lang show. Oh, you know what she said about it? She goes like this. Your mother's a sweet woman. She said to me, she goes, Artie Lang is your guardian angel. That's right.

That's right. I'm trying. You know what she said? She goes like this. She goes, Artie Lang is your guardian angel. That's right. That's right. I'm trying. No, she said she goes like this. She goes like this. Please make him a milky neck. No. I think she deserves some money, dude. She deserves some rent. I pay rent.

I pay. You do? How much? I pay like $800 a month for our rent. Sounds like you're in the play rent. Sounds like your three cousins were in the play rent. No, but my dad's sister was... We had all gay people in the family.

We had everybody. Is that true? Yeah. How many... Besides the... I mean, three's a lot for one family to be out of the closet. My dad's sister died of an overdose of 33. Oh, my God.

She was gay, but I don't know if that had anything to do with her in those days, you know, or mean rights. Well, I'm sure you're chastising. Yeah. Would you goof on them? I mean, back when you could goof on gay people? Me, I'm sure you're chastising. Yeah. Would you goof on them? I mean, back when you could goof on gay people? Me and my brothers did. My mom hated it. Yeah.

We also had an uncle we goofed on we shouldn't have goofed on. Why? We had an uncle who was a World War II vet. Wow. And he got post-traumatic stress years later. From you guys? No, no, no.

He called me... He went through the Battle of the Bulls, but you guys goofed on... I mean, you and your... I met your brothers, dude. We goofed on them. They looked like... My mom hated dude. We goofed on surreal. My mom hated us.

They look like felons. My mom hated us. His brothers look like bad news. Nice people, but they look like... I didn't trust your brothers. My mom hated us. I don't know what's going on over there. I don't trust your brothers.

We goofed on them all the time. We called them Uncle Banzai. She got mad at us. Now, Mike, we should plug you're on Cameo still, killing it. It's been great. Thank you, everybody. You're getting a lot of Cameo. Yes. Thank you for everybody who getting a lot of Cameo.

Thank you for everybody who participated with it, but please keep it coming because I like the cha-ching, cha-ching, cha-ching, fucking cashola, baby. An Asian joke. So how many have you done now? 21. Now give us an example. Can you remember the last one you did? Something about wishing somebody happy birthday and a happy holidays.

One guy told me to call somebody a queer owner. And did you stop? No, I went for it. I figured 20 bucks is 20 bucks. There you go. No, I think I had one where someone wanted me to say, like, in other words, here's the thing. They want you to roast people.

Like, they'll give you, like, you know. Like, this happened to me once. One of the first stand-up gigs I ever got paid for was a bachelor party. Oh, wow. In Newark, New Jersey, at, like, a Knights of Columbus. And a guy said to me, he pointed to the best man. He said, Artie, that guy's Frankie. He's the best man.

And he had, this guy was wearing, there was a strip club called Spanky's in North Jersey. He had a velvet Spanky's jersey on, eating, like, a sausage and peppers. He looked like Tony Soprano, but a bouncer. He looked like a big Italian guy, a bouncer. And he goes, hey, that guy made out with a chick at Mardi Gras once who turned out to be a dude. Make fun of him. And I'm like, I'm not going to do that.

He doesn't look like he's sympathetic to it. I don't think he's going to laugh. I don't think the one gay experience he's had in life, he wants me to goof on in front of his... I didn't know the guy. So I get up and I start to bomb. So I panicked. And I said, hey, guys, I may suck, but at least I'm not like Frankie.

I never made out with a dude. And then, like, I mean, everybody just went, whoa, whoa. Like, they totally fucking set me up. The guy picked up a Heineken bottle and threw it at me. And I ran out the kitchen. Oh, God. I ran out the kitchen and I hid. I don't the kitchen. Oh, God. I ran out the kitchen, and I hid. I wouldn't blame you.

It's like, you know, they want you to do that on this fucking, you know, cameo. They wanted to make a hit happen during the fucking. Well, they'll say let him have it. I got a corporate gig. I did a gig once for Kodak years ago, and, like, letting him have it is, oh, Ed's golf game sucks. Yeah. Of course.

Your hairline's going back, back, back or something. You're right. You can't play lacrosse right. But not calling Frankie the Bouncer and Spanky's a fruit. You don't want to do that.

No, you're right. Just going, you can't play lacrosse right to eat fondue is one thing. Right. Or they'll just give weird facts.

You can't play lacrosse right to eat fondue. Is that what someone gave you? No. So why did someone want to call you, so those are strong words.

Someone wanted you to call him queer? I did. I think I should. I got to check what I said on things. I got to watch what I... You got to watch what you said. You better be careful. It's best not to.

You'll get canceled. If you go back, you're going to get freaked out. Yeah, but we're going to get canceled. Or they'll get you mad. Yeah, you need a career to have a career canceled. That's the good thing about you and I. We don't really have a career right now. No, but if we do, we've got to watch out.

I'm a wimp shit when something happens. You're a what? Wimp when something happens because I'll be afraid to do anything bad. Yeah, but you're a Staten Island guy. I thought you were like a Luca Barazzi tough guy. No, I'm afraid to do stuff bad. Well, the thing is, even if you get super successful 20 years from now, they'll dig back. Of course.

They'll go back to their preschool. Yeah, that's not going to happen. They'll go all the way. No, they will. They will. And I'm saying you're not going to get super successful. No, the thing is, but I think if we all go. 20 years from now, you'll be 84.

Shit. No, I'll be. I'll wait. No, this segment's called Mike adds 20 to something. No, but the thing is. How old are you now? 58. So how old will you be in 20 years?

78, 79. But the thing is. Do you think he'll still be with us? Yes. He probably will. He'll outlive everybody. I think the weird thing is, but to have so much fucking money would be incredible.

I know how I would live. I got it planned out already. Probably the same exact way you live now. Someone serving you, cooking for you. I would have a house. I would have a castle built in French. Really? Next to Johnny Depp. I love him. That would make Johnny Depp move out of France. That's for fucking sure.

Yeah, but I would be in there. Why do you want to live next to him? Why do you want to go to France? He's such an asshole. He wouldn't even like France. No, but you know what? What the fuck? Stop trying to be cultured.

You would live in a house a little bigger than the one you're living now on Toad Hill Road in Staten Island. I'd have a castle built in France next to Depp. This is this, right? Have spider monkeys, even dog-shooted idiots off my boat that I don't like really, right? Wow, spider monkeys. And just like stain...

Why spider monkeys? Where'd you read that? I think you would dig up Buffalo Annie and fuck her bones again. Let's find out where Buffalo Annie... I mean, the poor woman, do you imagine she went to her grave? How much did she love drugs? How out where Buffalo Annie I mean the poor woman Do you imagine she went to her grave How much did she love drugs?

How much did Buffalo Annie love the heroin on the street? On having a way No but the thing is Imagine if your day starts out Like there's some people who bitch about their jobs They gotta you know pave the LIE They gotta you know work at Burger King Work the fryer

But Buffalo Annie's work day involved giving Mike A blowjob. I mean, that is just like... But then giving like 30 others. Was she like the madam or something? No, she was just a regular hooker over there. She had an army of guys that she had to service? Is that what you mean?

But that's the whole thing. I thought the point of being a hooker was that you made a lot of money with one or two guys. No, the high-end ones do well. When's the last time you went to a whore? Oh, the high end ones do well. It's like, the high end, like, When's the last time you went to a whore? Oh, it's been a long time. The 90s? I mean,

God, I would love to interview Buffalo Ann if he was still alive. Let's just go to second and 12th and just start yelling out Buffalo.

No, but now it's horrible. It sucks over there now. Well, I mean, like I say, you know, everything is just, it's all just phony shit. Oh, somebody meant to say, I did a gig last night in Jersey.

People told me to tell you how. The story's already bullshit. From Tips Comedy Club in Jersey. Oh, Tips, yeah. I love Tips. Said, hello, the owner of the place. Mike Romanelli. Yeah.

You know what happened? Mike Romanelli, he used to own a place called Tiffany Gardens that my sister bartended at in the 80s. Around 1986, he hired me to walk around. It was right on Route 22 22 and everybody would steal cars because you could get to newark so everybody would see like i-rock z28 he hired me one night to walk around my entire job was to make sure no one stole the car so it was a rib joint so this one of the cooks uh was was feeding me ribs out the back so i just started eating the ribs while

i'm eating a rib a guy steals a steals a a rib, a guy steals a fucking Corvette. Oh, no. A guy steals a Corvette out of the fucking... He wanted to shoot me. Oh, my God. I had to come in and say, my car was stolen,

and I have rib sauce all over my phone. I look like someone, just blue Buffalo Annie. Yeah, but what part of Jersey... I like New Jersey. This was my hometown, Union. Wow.

Where this place is now. I'm not sure the town is true. Florham Park, I think it's. It's nice. You know who's a part owner is Tony Siragusa. Oh, really? Yeah, hometown, Union. Where this place is now. I'm not sure of the town. Florham Park, I think it's. It was nice. You know who's a part owner? Tony Siragusa. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, Tony.

Nice place. You did stand up there? Yeah. Who'd you work with? Leezy? No, Nick. A young kid does impressions and sings. He loves Nick Petito, I think his name is.

Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he loved. Oh, I know who you're talking about. The Sopranos guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had a lot of fun. The thing is, it was a nice place. I liked that place.

Yeah. Well, I'm sure they'll ask you back. Yeah, we had a fun time, and it wasn't that far. My friends Rob and Greg, they're twins. They're comedians. They drove me there from Staten Island. We're going to come out. We're doing a lot of stand-up on the road coming in January. Allie's going to be with me. Are you coming to every gig in January? I got every gig with you in January.

Yeah, I'm excited. We're all over the place. Are you going to come to a couple of gigs? Yeah, just let me know when it is. I thought we did already. No. I guess not. I guess you'll be with Nick Petito.

No, but the thing I like about cameo is the good thing is I never liked selling shirts or CDs at shows or online. It's a pain in the ass.

And people never like buying them from you. No, they never did. No, but the thing is they never did, but the thing is like no, but it's easy with Cameo because it's like, bang. Actually worked out. You know what I mean, right?

They pay you already, bang, because I don't want to fucking be a whore selling shit that, you know, here's my T-shirt, boy. Yeah, have like a flea market. Yeah, but that's how you make money, dude. No, but I'm not a flea market salesman. You know what I mean? I am. I don't like it like that.

You got to sell it up, though. Yeah, but you know what? But I feel like a whore. I'm like, you know what? Well, you are a whore. What do you think, Cameo? I mean, I love Cameo. You got to sail it up, though. Yeah, but you know what? I feel like a whore. I'm like, you know what? Well, you are a whore. What do you think? I mean, I love Cameo. It's a great service, but me, you, and Gilbert are like talking about people's landscaping

business. I don't give a shit, because you know what? But it's easier than carrying fucking a trunkload of Bulls t-shirts and fucking buy my hat. Do you have... You can go on your phone and see the videos you made. Where is it? Where's your phone? I saw it off.

I already showed it off. You can show the video. You go the videos you made. Where is it? Where's your phone? I turned my phone off. I already showed it off. You can show the video. Go to the videos made for Cameo. I want to see the last one. Okay. We can play it. People like it. I got to get the phone to come on here.

Do you know how to turn your phone on? Yes, it's on now. Apple sucks. Well, don't say that. Don't say that. What if they want to sponsor the show? After the Buffalo Annie story. Steve Jobs. Jobs is going to be people lining up. Yeah, but after Steve Jobs died.

Did it come up there? Go to Cameo. By the way, if they made prostitution legal, would people go? It's still a private thing, right? Or would you just start going again? It is in Vegas. Yeah, in Vegas, absolutely. I mean, yeah, people would go even more, I think.

But I know what you're saying. Yeah, but it absolutely absolutely. I mean, yeah, people would go even more, I think. But I know what you're saying. Yeah, but in Amsterdam, it's legal. Yeah, I guess you're right. People go and make a book. Yeah, I was in Amsterdam with a chick. I wrote about it in my second book. She knew more about the place than the fucking guides there. I used to call her my whore guide.

She knew more about it. I took one of those gondola things, one of those little boats. Oh, yeah. There was a guy who looked like one of Hitler's youth. Oh, God. The Anne Frank Museum comes up and he goes,

that's the Anne Frank Museum. Very, very sad what happened there. Very sad. Then he puts his head down and I guess he counts for how long he had to go. And then he goes like this. He goes like this. He goes, and Zach, there's a great place for pancakes. What a fucking psycho.

Right next to the Anne Frank house. And then me and this kid went into the Anne Frank house, and we smoked hash first. So right in the middle of the Anne Frank tour, he goes, she had plenty of room. Oh, my God. Oh, God. We got kicked out of, he goes, she had plenty of room. Oh, my God. Oh, God. That's an idiot. We got kicked out of the Anne Frank. She had plenty of room.

He thought that was funny. That's a piece of advice. Never smoke hash before you go on the Anne Frank tour in Amsterdam. I'm trying to find this. Let me say, Mike. Okay. Okay. It's videos I've made.

It's time you got to load up. All right. It's loading. It's a I hate the Apple It sucks The Apple half It sucks The only thing good about it is the camera Everything else sucks on it Yeah my phone's slow too

There's a new model coming out I know I think they slow it all down I's a new model coming out. That's probably why, man. I know. I think they slow it all down. They try to speed it. I think a new model's coming out. It has to be. What is this? This is an Ashtabix. This is an ancient one, dude.

No, it's an XR, and it's supposed to be hip and fucking bullshit, really. It's a fucking ridiculous phone. It sucks. No, I know. It's not coming out. I just want to hear the one you said about the queer. I got to find it. Do you remember what it said? No. I know. It's not coming. I just want to hear the one you said about the queer. I got to find it. Do you remember what it said?

No. I'm so sorry. You should see what it is. The load is in my house. This phone sucks. No, no, no. I mean, the Apple, again, they rule the world. No, but not really.

After Steve Jobs died, it went downhill. No, it didn't. That's a myth. No, yeah, but Alan. Tim Cook, the gay guy. You have problems with the Apple. I don't know. I've had problems with That's a myth. Tim Cook, the gay guy. I don't know. I've had problems with all of my phones. Tim Cook is a gay guy. I do a joke. I say,

Tim Cook is so revered in the gay community, his cum is known as applesauce. When Jobs was alive, it was probably like if something went wrong. Tim Cook, believe me, is a great CEO, dude. He's taken it to another level. Yeah, but Jobs was probably like, off with his head, something happened. What was he, a medieval, what was it, the fucking Inquisition?

Off with his head. All of a sudden he's with Buffalo Annie. No, but the thing is odd, right? Buffalo Annie would be a good CEO for Apple. Yeah, but I think... Buffalo Annie, I'm just thinking about it. I'll give you a good example. Her douching.

Like, when it comes to networks and things like Buffalo, I'll give you a good example. Like her douching. Like you think like when it comes to like, like the networks and things like that, like, like years ago, like, like NBC, CBS, ABC, right? All the suits are probably in one board meeting. Right. Yeah. And if the head suit loves you and other people hated you in the room, it was like a circle of jerk. Am I right?

Along with he went, he's good. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Am I right or wrong? If he went, he's good. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What? Explain that again. Like, when it comes, when it comes, a lot of things. This is Mike explaining something.

Got it. A lot of things in Hollywood are behind closed doors are fucking treacherous. Absolutely. And the thing is, like, should have had a meeting on someone about a final decision on a television show, right? And all the suits are there. If the head suit. Oh, you mean like a casting decision?

No, like... He sucks, they suck? No, no, a deal like where they're going to go, okay, it's going to be greenlit for television. Oh, okay. Like a Netflix show. Like Law & Order Special Olympics. No, no, yeah, and the head suit goes,

I love him, right? And everybody else can stomach the table. Oh, he's genius, genius, genius, genius, genius, genius. Oh, you mean like whatever the head guy says. No, I think it's a direct opposite. I think then they secretly get the head guy out. Or? Like it's like the mafia.

No, but if everybody else in the room loves you or the head guy hates you, he's a dickhead. Yeah, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him, fuck him. Nobody has any balls. Yeah, they do, but they just do it like in an evil way, a backstabbing way. I don't think they have any guts over there. In the meeting, they'll say yes,

and then they'll oust him behind his back. Now, that's the problem in Los Angeles, man. They fucking, the meeting, they'll say yes and then they'll oust him. That's the problem in Los Angeles, man. They fucking, you know, they smile when they're stabbing you in the back. Now you've spent time in L.A. I love it. All of a sudden you love it. You sound like you just hated it. No, but that part of it I hate, but the thing

is, it's fun to be out. Life is better out there. It is. It's so laid back. I'm not angry out there. You're not angry here, though, dude. I'm more angry out there. You're not angry here though, dude. I'm more chill out there, Rod. More chill? Apparently you've become Nick Cannon. I hate you.

One of the things that gives me fucking douche chills is when you get hip. Is when I'm more chill out there. Shut the fuck up. I want to go to France and live next to Johnny Depp. That is amazing. I feel like that's a plan you came up with when you were five.

I was never going to fucking... Look at that red face. My God. The thing is, I want to be sitting in the convertible with Bob Odenkirk and hanging with Jack Black having barbecues. What do you mean you and Bob Odenkirk? You bring up Bob Odenkirk all the time. You think that's like a hip thing to say. I loved him because I loved him on Breaking Bad and Don't Call Saul.

He's fucking awesome. Yeah, but you say that name a lot. I think if you say that a lot, like the alternative crowd, like the Largo crowd. They're never going to like you, Mike. You know why? Because I love you. And they're never going to love me either. They're not going to like either one of us. You know why? Because I love you. Oh, thanks. And they're never going to love me either. They're not going to like either one of us.

You know why? Because we keep it real. Do you think one of those motherfuckers would talk about Buffalo Annie? No. They'd shove it under the fucking bed. Yeah, but the thing is, Art, at the end of the day, I love you. You're never going to be liked by those people. Yeah, but I'll wear a smoke.

Stop trying to fit in. I'll wear a smoking jacket and smoke a pipe, you know, with the patches on my arm. See, what you just said makes no sense. That's what's fantastic. I love all the visions of success in Vachetti's mind. It's like a smoking jacket, a jacked with a

castle of friends. You're like in a Twilight Zone episode. It's like Green Acres or something. I'm glad it didn't happen early on. I would have blew it, Michelle. It's not happening later on either. No, but listen to me. If it did happen early on. I would have blew it, Michelle. Yeah, well, Mike, it's not happening later on either. No, but listen to me. It hasn't happened

earlier or later on. No, but if it did happen early on... I mean, you're 50... What are you, 58? No, but listen to me, right? If it did happen early on, I was such a raging drunk

I would have fucked it up severely. No, that's what happened to me, too. But you know why? Because I had no... I got too much money at 27 for success.

I would have had no editing system. I would have told people fuck off. It would have been horrible. But don't you think it's good that you're a consistent failure?

I think so. No, but the thing is, but... Wait, did you ever blow through all your money already and then make it back again? Or did you always have some? I went, I made a little bit of, in my opinion, where I grew up was a fortune. Then I kind of lost it. Then I made it back even more. Lost a lot of it.

Then I made a ton of money. Like a definite fortune. Anybody's idea of a fortune. And I got some of it left, but a lot of it's gone. A lot of it's gone. But I'm, you know, I have my place and my mom's place. But you're reasonable. That's why.

Because, like, I mean. Well, I'm not reasonable. I had every vice there was. I don't know how these motherfuckers, like Allen Iverson, supposedly $200 million he blew through. I mean, you got to be just writing checks for Bentleys to your stupid fucking friends. I had every vice, bro. I had every vice.

I never had any near that money. I had millions, you know, but I never ran out of money. I still have money. I had hookers, cocaine, heroin, liquor, gambling. How could he blow out a $200 million? I'm just saying you hear about people like that. You hear about athletes going through all their fucking money. They got these entourage rappers and shit like that.

Yeah, but the thing is that's because they're buying $50,000 Rolex. Look at the show Growing Up Hip Hop. I would love to just be one of Flavor Flav's 82 kids. Of course. He has all the Flavor Flavs. Yeah, those are the kids that are doing well. They're going through the money, right? Yeah.

I mean, Flavor Flav can't even afford a digital watch around his neck. He hasn't updated the watch. He still got a big grandfather clock around his fucking head. Yeah, but don't look at the Growing Up Hip Hop in New York. It kind of pisses me off. They all look like they got too much money. They shouldn't have all that money. Well, I love the original. They're doing fine. Like, Flavor Flav's kids

live in a big fucking... They live better than us. Yeah. But I like the original hip hop. Like, Run DMC. Those guys were awesome. Were they more chill? Yeah. Yeah, but you hate when I turn into a hip douche. A douche of any kind. The minute I mentioned Alyssa Milano with bubble tea, you freak out.

You cringe. With what? Alyssa Milano with bubble tea. What's bubble tea? Bubble tea. I don't really know what it is. I heard it tastes good, though, really. He heard it tastes good.

So that's in there with the success story. You need a bubble tea? Yeah, yeah. I mean, listen. I'm just saying you don't have to try to impress all these people, Mike, because you just have to be you. Oh, yeah. I know it hasn't worked to this date. Oh, God.

But this is all you have, Mike. Yeah, but that made you well-doubled. A sushi chef would be something cool. Have your own sushi chef? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That would be great. I don't get, though, the people who have private chefs.

Someone who's living in your house. That would be the last thing I wanted. It's just another one who could kill you. Yeah. It's another one who could Dr. Conrad you, like Michael Jackson.

You know what though? I would have guards around his house. But first of all, you don't want to, what do you know about sushi? I love sushi. Do you know how to use chopsticks?

Yes, very well. You do? I don't know how to use chopsticks. They're awesome. I never bothered to learn how to use chopsticks. They're great, especially picking up the sushi.

A fork is so much better. Yeah, but they're fun. It doesn't make any fucking use chopsticks. They're awesome. I never bothered to learn how to use chopsticks. They're great, especially picking up the sushi. A fork is so much better. Yeah, but they were fun. It doesn't make any fucking sense. Chopsticks are fun. Stupid chopsticks. Because, again, all my buddies who I grew up with wearing, like, your Boz Skaggs t-shirts and smoking shitty weed at the boardwalk

and fucking dating chicks who look like, you know, who look like Buffalo Annie, all of a sudden they meet a chick and they seem like they're using chopsticks. I fucking hate that. If I saw you with chopsticks, I'd slap your face. How's that sound?

I'd give you a reach around. What about if you should meet an empanada? Not empanada. What? Edamame is great. Pea punch. Edamame. Empanadas is what you were trying to say. You like empanadas, not edamame's.

No, edamame's are great. They're peapods. They're awesome. I could eat them all day long. I love them. Yeah, I'm sure. You could probably eat anything all day long. No, but salmon sushi is great and sashimi.

I love it. It's good, but I'm saying you're not a sushi guy. I want to see the chopsticks. I want to see this. I doubt you know how to use chopsticks but I'm saying you're not a sushi guy. I want to see the chopsticks. I want to see the... I doubt you know how to use chopsticks. I'll come in here and eat sushi next time. Mike, you couldn't put the headset on. I will show you how well I eat sushi and how maddened I am with sushi.

I eat it better than regular food. It is regular food. No, no, I mean... What do you consider regular food? Like eye-tie stuff? You'll see how what a gentleman in sushi.

I'll bring it in. I want to see this. Where Buffalo Annie used to blow you, I bet it's a sushi joint. It probably is. I hope it is. I'll go down there

and wish it tonight if it is. I'll Google it on the way home. I wonder, maybe Buffalo, what if Buffalo Annie had your child?

Buffalo Bocchetti. I bet she had someone's child. She might have. Yeah, well, what the sad thing is, but the sad thing is how bet you had someone's shadow. She might have. Yeah, well, what happened? Buffalo Bocchetti. But the sad thing is how close you got to them there.

They're going there. Where's my boy? Where's my boy Buffalo? The sad thing is how close you got to them going there. We went there like three or four times a week sometimes. I'm sure you did. I'm sure you were just a complete disgusting glutton. No, but you know what's sad is the guy at the door was definitely a wise guy.

Well, yeah, the local bronzing guy. But you know what's crazy about him? But you know how many tricks, like even back then at second and 12th, the rent had to be a decent amount of money.

Oh, yeah. You know how many $10 fucking blowjobs you got to give? Yeah, what do you do? You go into a room? You know how many guys got to climb on top of you?

Yeah, but they've been doing other things that too, I'm sure. It's a connected place. Yeah, explain to Alice. She has questions because she's a classy person. But the thing is, the guy at the door.

What do you do? What was your question? I was saying, what do you do? You go into a room? Is it just like a rooming house? Explain a room with a mattress. Go into a room with a mattress. Go into Allie.

First of all, it was like gated. Like you see Spike Gate like you see in an old schoolyard. Oh, like with the wire around the... Like a scary movie. Wow, yeah. Like gated. Then we'd have to show a card at the door and somebody would buzz you in.

So you were that much of a regular. Oh, it's like a punch card? Like a Starbucks punch card? No, just like a business card. And how would you get there? Mass Trans? My friend Joe would drive in from Staten Island. And the van? So how many of you fucking lugheads

would get in a clown car from Staten Island? How many of you guys would go in at a time? Just me and Joe. That's it. And Buffalo Annie's like, oh, it's going to be a busy one. So we get to. Here comes Joey and Mikey. We get to the door.

Oh, God. We show the card. Oh, do you think she ever. How many times a day did she look in the mirror and go, I'm just going to take my own life. I can't do it. I can't do it anymore. And then she gives birth to Buffalo Bo Shady. We get to the door, show the card, they bust us in, right? The guy at

the door, he was a Luca Bracci guy, but he's such a gentleman. A Luca Bracci whorehouse bouncer gentleman? You know what happened? That's a rare combo. That's an interesting hybrid. No, but we became good friends to him. He became a pal to us after a while. What happened to him? Diabetes? No, no, that's what happened. So he wasn't there one day. The gout? He wasn't there one day. So I go to the guy at the door and go, what happened? What, did he go get a steak with fucking Paul Castellano?

No, no, he goes, what happened to our friend at the door? He goes, he's not here anymore. So I go, what do you mean? He goes, well, don't you understand that he's not here anymore? So the new guy wasn't as nice? No. We'll just say he's not here anymore? So the new guy wasn't as nice? No. We'll just say he's on vacation for now. The new guy wasn't as nice.

What was the guy at the door's name? Oh, I don't know. I was very, very close with him. I didn't fucking remember the guy. He didn't have a catchy name like Buffalo. No, no, no. But he looked like, hey, where's Buffalo, my boy? Buffalo Bocchetti became a comedian. He was such a cool, nice guy. I don't know what he did to the people. I guarantee there's a Buffalo Bocchetti out there. I felt was such a cool, nice guy. I don't know what he did to the people.

I guarantee there's a Buffalo Bocchetti out there. I felt like crying when he wasn't out there. Can you imagine Buffalo Annie just the fucking mascara running down her face going, Hey, Joey and Mike from Staten Island are here. She's like, Oh, my God. I can't fucking do it. I can't do it. Okay.

And then she has to put the Buffalo Antivoys on again, and then Luca Bracci's like, get out of here, whore! Well, my friend Joe was kind of mean-spirited. Give a reach around to Mikey! My friend Joe was kind of mean-spirited. You know why? Because I felt bad when our friend wasn't there anymore. And I go, it sucks that he's not here.

He was such a cool guy. He goes, well, he had stuff coming to him. I'm sure he did. No, maybe he killed him. Sounds like Joey killed him. Well, listen, this has been an episode where it sure he did. No, maybe he killed him. Sounds like Joey killed him. Well, listen, this has been an episode where it's just us. It's just the regulars. Getting to know Mike. And I'm

sure a lot of you are scarred for life. This is going to be a hard one to get through. Go to second. We're going to do a research project. Go to second and twelfth. If you're listening to this podcast, go to second and twelfth and see what's there. And just know it once was the coolest corner on the planet fucking Earth. I know. And now it's for fruits. Now it once was the coolest corner on the planet fucking earth. I know. And now it's for fruits.

Now it's fucking gluten-free village. Absolutely. Mikey, I love you. I love you too, Audie. Allie, it was great stuff. Allie, social media. How did we get you?

Social media. Allie Breen. At Allie Breen. At Allie Breen with an I, A-L-L-I. Allie, I love you. You're going to be with me a lot. Yes, I can't wait.

Egg Theater in Albany, New Year's Eve. Mikey, what about you? Go to Cameo, buddy. That's what I'm giving you. What is your number on Cameo? Just look. Mike Buschetti Cameo.

And for 20 bucks, Mike will say whatever you want. I'll curse your mother out. Oh, yeah. Oh, no, no. I'll curse your mother. You'll do that for a discount. Buffalo Annie. I'll curse your mother out.

You'll be a discount. I can't do it. He says mother. When he says mother, I dry up like a prune. The soul. This show has been dedicated to the soul of Buffalo Annie. Well, I'll show you one thing. Curse your mom out, but your dad has more money to curse out.

Thank you, Mike. There we go. Arnie Lacks, halfway house. See you next time.