Artie Lange's Podcast Channel - 21 - JESSICA KIRSON

Episode Date: January 22, 2020

Artie Lange and Mike Bocchetti interview stand-up comic Jessica Kirson!  Presented by TheComicsGym.com  Thanks to MyBookie.ag - If you're going to wager this weekend go to bit.ly/MYB-Artie and use code Artie to get a 50% signup bonus. Thanks to Blue Chew. Go to BlueChew.com and get your first shipment FREE (just pay $5 shipping) when you use the promo code ARTIE”.  Thanks to Tommy John Underwear.  Visit www.TommyJohn.com/Artie for 20% off your next order of the most comfortable underwear ever!

Artie Lang's Halfway House. That sound you hear is Mike Buschetti trying to get his headsets on. We're going to take a look at this. Okay, got it. It's like an experiment. Wow, you got that quickly. 35 years and I got it right. That was beautiful, Mike.

That was beautiful. 35 years of fucking up. And another 35 before that. 35 years of fucking up with headsets, you think? Yeah, and another 35 before that. You're not 70 years old. Close to. Might as well be.

You look good. You look healthy. You just said you had some banana pudding. Oh, I wanted to have some magnolia banana bread pudding. Oh, God. Where's that? Right on 50th Street and 6th Avenue. I thought you said you were eating healthy.

I want to have some banana bread pudding. I'm dying for it. Yeah, well, when's the last time you had it? A few months ago. So you treat yourself once every few months to like 8,000 calories? 8,000 calories. So you said you're eating healthy. Have you still eat the grilled chicken and everything?

Yeah, I had some today. And you don't put anything on it? No. Wow, that's incredible. That's incredible. I mean, you know, it looks like you're putting something on it. I hold my fat good. It looks like you're putting something on it.

I hold my fat well. So have you been you're putting something on. I hope my fat's well. So have you been following the news now? What's going on? The royal family. I don't know who fucked up those idiots over there. They seem like weirdos, don't they? They've been weirdos for hundreds of years over there, Rod. Yeah.

King George before him even. Yeah, well, they seem crazy. They are crazy. Well, how could they not be? Have you ever been to London? No. I thought you had been to London. Yeah. I thought you had been to London. No, there's an enormous

palace in the middle of town, like homeless people. Oh, God. And then there's these people who just live in the palace for no reason. Well, that's how it's always been in Europe. You know, I mean, these other people have nowhere to live. I mean, it's like eight football fields long, and they just live there.

Well, in Europe, there's always been brutal scumbags that are people. You think so? Look at the French, the French Revolution. That's a horrible commentary. People were starving and they fucking came living as scumbags. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, well, that's true. And even before that, the Roman Empire, royalty was never royal.

They were assholes to civilians usually. Yeah, well, I mean, that's what royalty is. That technically means you're an asshole to civilians. I think that's what that means. You think about it. There's no difference between a president, a king, or a dictator. They're all psychopaths. No, there's a major difference. It's just the title. No, there's a major difference. I mean, one is a democracy, the other, I mean, a dictator.

You know, there's a difference between a president and a dictator. Well, maybe not. What do you mean, maybe not? I mean, you know, it's the title. Well, I mean, we don't live in a dictatorship. No, but I mean, what knows, title. Well, I mean, we don't live in a dictatorship. No, but I mean, what knows how much evil. It's a very different experience. Yeah, but what knows how much evil's been going on in the White House since day one? Well, I mean, a lot of sex.

That's out of our control, though. We have nothing to do with that. God knows what went on in there. God, you're right. You're right. Absolutely. From day one, God knows what went on in there. It was probably ugly.

I mean, if you were president, wouldn't you have sex in there? I'd have sex. I'd be having, like, the Roman games inside there. It was probably ugly. I mean, if you were president, wouldn't you have sex in there? I'd have sex. I'd be having, like, the Roman Games inside there. Banana pudding and stuff like that? Banana pudding, like, serving lunch. Bring me some Heineken. It'd be like Staten Islands. Well, you live in Staten Island, which is run, like, separately from the country, I think. It's more like a dictatorship. I just like being

away from people. Yeah, well, I mean, well, there's a lot of people in Staten Island, not away from people. It's like 600,000, I think. Yeah, I mean, that's a lot of people. It's a small island. Well, 600,000. Not away from people. Yeah, well, I mean, there's a lot of people in Staten Island not away from people. It's like 600,000, I think. Yeah, I mean, that's a lot of people. It's a small island. 600,000. Not away from anybody. 600,000 is only like 100,000. Staten Island itself is probably more like a dictatorship.

7 by 13. 7 by 13 what? 7 miles by 13. Oh, it is? I think it's that short. Wow. Now, have you ever considered leaving Staten Island? I like it. I'd love to live in Manhattan, but it's ridiculous. Yeah, it's a tad more expensive. You'd need like $40,000 a month here to live, I think. Yeah.

Well, no, less than that. I mean, but to live well. To live well, yeah. I mean, but. I mean, to me, living well is no room age. But you have an enormous house, though, right? It's a nice size house. But the thing is, but the bottom line is, living here well would be $20,000 a month,

I think. Absolutely. Absolutely. Or more. would be $20,000 a month, I think. Absolutely. Absolutely. At least $20,000 a month. Yeah. The rent is $5,000 probably, right? No, I'm kidding. It's not $20,000 a month to live here. Yeah.

I mean, you know, to live $20,000 a month, you're living fucking large, bro. I mean, it's not, you know. I don't know how large, but just think about it. How much is rent here? I mean, you're always living large. Like $3,000 to $5,000 easily, right? Well, not $3,000. Not anymore.

I mean, back in the day. But I'd say about to live like $5,000 a month in Manhattan, you need probably to live like, you know, you're used to living getting fanned and served and everything else. I mean, you live like royalty, Mike. I like that, though. I mean, I'd need $20,000 a month. Why wouldn't you like it? Why wouldn't you like to I mean, I'd need $20,000 a month. Why wouldn't you like it? Why wouldn't you like to live like royalty? At least $20,000 a month.

Because you know I'm not going to cook. I'm going to be eating. No, you just eat. I don't know. I did the royal family thing. I don't understand why people get it. I mean, it's all people are fucking talking about. These two fucking idiots just want to.

And they say they want to be financially independent, but they're not going to be. They're still getting money. It's not even our country. Why are they worried about them? They're still getting an insane amount of money. Well, she's the broadest from California, right? Isn't that where she's from? She's American.

I don't know if she was an actress. I don't even know. Has she been in stuff that you know? I don't even know her. She's an actress. Let's Google her. Yeah. All right, we'll Google her.

IMDB her. What does that mean? Oh, oh. I don't know if she did a lot of major things except get married to a royal highness. But he, I mean, he just sounds like he just toes the line like whatever she wants. But the queen mother's pissed off. Oh, no, the queen mother's in charge. And you think she's still alive.

She distributes the money. Absolutely. She does, right? She'll cut him right out of the will. I'm sure she will. If he hasn't been severed out already. Huh? If he hasn't been severed out of the will already.

No, no, no. She's not going to let him go broke. I mean, but he says he's going to be financially independent. What's he going to do? A job at a deli or something in Toronto? He's moving to Canada to be financially independent. Who the hell does that? Yeah, but broke to them is a lot different than broke to us. Broke to them means he's only having truffles once a week.

Yeah. Truffles. Do you know what a fucking truffle is? It's like a very expensive mushroom. It's a psychedelic truffle. No, I just don't know what the fuck he's going to be doing. I mean, they've got a website where they sell merchandise. So basically they're like a road comic. Yeah, I mean, they're just going to have a website where they sell royal shit.

He's not going to go to work. What is he going to do all day if he doesn't have those royal duties that they give him? What are they going to do? What do you call it? Have royal executions and charge people to watch it again? Well, there's a great business idea, Jesus. We've got to send that at royal executions. They would love it.

You mean like beheadings? Beheadings for money. How long do you think it would take to behead you? It would probably take a good, like, two hours. It could be done. I mean, you need a sharp, large sword to behead you. Jihadi John. Did the firing squad bail out after a few shots?

Yeah. Yeah, I think so. I think they would. You'd hear, ready, aim. But the sword guy would tear his rotator cuff. You'd have to get Jihadi John surgery. You'd hear, ready, aim. But the sword guy would tear his rotator cuff. You'd have to get Jihadi Johnson. You'd hear ready, aim. Fire.

Yeah, I just don't know. It fascinates me that, you know, that's why they give these idiot sons and daughters shit to do all day. Like go to a hospital, you know, rub a kid's neck who's got a disease. They don't give a shit. Well, they just need shit to do. After they, you know, they take all day to put that armor on that they put on. They look like one of the guards.

Hey, look who it is. It's the great Jessica Curson. I love you. Jessica Curson, one of the best comedians around. We're just talking about the royal idiots. We're talking about the royal family. Oh, God, who cares? I don't understand it. No, we're just talking about what assholes they are.

They're such... I don't even understand. Who gives a shit about them? I just don't. I usually don't. You got rid of them 250 years ago. I usually don't give a shit, Jess. By the way, welcome.

Thank you so much. Thanks for coming. I've seen you, but Mike, I have not seen you in so long. Oh, it's been a while. And you're one of the funniest people I know. Oh, thank you. Now, is that nice that you haven't seen him in a while? You need a break?

No, I really love him. No, I love you, Jess. I've laughed so hard at him, I can't breathe. Of course, yeah. Mike can't breathe without laughing. So, we just talked about the Royals, Jessica, how titled fucking idiots they are. Mike's my gossip reporter. I'm saying, who cares about them?

Mike's doing gossip. We got rid of those shitheads 250 years ago. No, no. What I'm saying is, what doesn't make any sense to me about the whole thing is that, like, he says he's going to be financially independent and he doesn't want any of the royal duties. Without the royal duties, what do those people do all day? Like, they got to give them something to do. I think he wants to help people. You start a landscaping business?

He's going to be a toll booth operator. But couldn't he do that in Canada? I mean, in England, he has to leave. I think he wants to leave the wife. It is. That's the first thing I thought. You know, a lot of men get married or with someone, and they're like, let's get out of here. But could you imagine?

I mean, it would have been, if Princess Di were alive, she'd be probably a cool mother-in-law. Oh, yeah. But now the mother-in-law is the queen mother. No, the mother, well, the stepmother-in-law is, what's her name? What's her name? Not Victoria right now. We're all so uneducated. I mean, you're right.

I never care about it until now because it fascinates me that he wants to get his own. It's the one he remarried that he was with. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The one that looks like him. Yeah, she looks like his mother. The one that looks like Kurt Charles. Yeah, that's right.

That's right. I forget her name. Is he still married to her? It starts with a C. Yeah. It might be cunt. I don't know what her name is. Catherine?

Lord Lady Cunt. I don't know. Yeah, no, Catherine Hepburn. What a lady cunt. I don't know. Yeah, no, Catherine Hepburn. I really, I just find it fascinating that he wants to be financially independent, but then he's still taking 95% of, do you see the figures on this? No, I didn't see. 95% of his income comes from Prince Charles.

And all of his income comes from, I guess, only 5% comes from the taxes. That's the other thing, I didn't realize the taxes directly pay for all this shit. You got to work your ass off and then you, you know, right. That's probably why they put so much pressure on them. Yeah.

Yeah. No, I mean, that is pressure. I don't want to imagine walking around and some guys, some guys, a chimney sweep in the 1800s, how much they must've hated those motherfuckers.

Oh my God. Carrying huge stones around. 90% in cholera. And they would send psychos out to get the money. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, no, they got that cash. But the fact that, like, you're breaking your ass, it all goes to these, like, Kardashians of England.

Oh, please. I just, I can't deal with the whole thing. I'm kind of glad they're going through a mess because those fuckers brutalized a lot of countries besides us for a long time. Well, they had an empire, Mike. That's what happens. Well, they had a brutal empire. They weren't exactly the friendliest people on the block.

Well, we're not. You know, you can't be, you can't, you have to rule with an iron fist, Mike. You have to rule with an iron fist. Can't you be a little humanitarian? You know what I mean? Come on. Well, they are.

They claim they are. That's why they want to get out. Yeah, right. Megan and... I think she's just annoyed as hell. Megan Sonsalhal. I'm like, Megan. That name's now on the tip of my tongue.

So how are you doing? I'm doing okay. I mean, I'm never great. You just had a special out. Yeah. I mean, career stuff is really good. But I just, I don't, I don't, I've kind of, I've accepted lately that I really will never be okay.

And it's really freeing. Me too. I know. You and I are the same. Yeah. I'm okay with it, which is very freeing. I'm like, I'm never going to be like, hi, how are you? It's never going to be great to see you.

Never. And I don't say good anymore. People say, how are you? I'm never like, great, good, because it's not true. What do you say? I am okay. Is okay overreaching it to them? I'm okay. I'm alive. I'm functioning. I can get out of bed. You're breathing.

Yes. I can get on stage, but I'm okay. Yeah, well, that's a big thing. But I'm never great. I'm not. But isn't it weird that you think that way and you chose to be a comedian, you know, because you gotta get up and be cheery? I say that on stage all the time. I'm like, you don't know how hard it is to look at some of your faces, and I fucking hate you so much.

And I have to make you laugh. Like, it's really hard. Yeah. Because no matter what, you've got to make them laugh. You see the audience and you hate them. I hate some of them a lot. Some of them. I really...

What percentage would you say you hate? Hate? Yeah. Oh, boy. And why? Just the look of them? hate? Hate? Yeah. Oh, boy. And why? Just the look of them? They're ungrateful. Oh, really?

They're fucking entitled, ungrateful people. Some are shy and just get uncomfortable, but some are really just entitled. How do you know this about them? I mean, you just see... I just know people. The way they sit, they sit back, and they put their feet up. Yeah. I don't...

I never got that way. People go to a comedy club and are like pissed off. You know, I mean, you should be a little cheery going in. I think some of them are defensive. Yeah. Like they fucking hate themselves. Like they were forced to go there. Oh, that's a big one. Then I see the $18 Coors Light.

Right. That doesn't help. And their wife is like, come on, take me out. I want to laugh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's horrible. Right, right, right. No, I mean, that would be a pain. He has to be forced into that, like forced into a good time. Like, no, I'm miserable. I want to laugh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's horrible. Right, right, right. No, I mean, that would be a pain.

He has to be forced into that. Like, forced into a good time. Like, no, I'm miserable. I want to stay this way. No, let's go see Jessica. I think they're very uncomfortable in the crowd. If it were me, I would be petrified. Did you see a lot of comedy before you went?

Yeah, see, I did. I was in one of those jerseys because I went to Rascals all the time. No, I saw Dom Herrera and almost died laughing. Dom is the best. I didn't see anyone. I saw Saturday Night Live. Is that the only comic that you saw live? Yes, yes.

Isn't that crazy? Yep, at Bananas. I saw him in Jersey. At Aspergates? Yeah. I died. You never went to Rascals? You're from South Orange.

Yeah, but I was like so, I was at University of Maryland, and then I went to Massachusetts to sell pot, and then I was like Massachusetts to sell pot and then I was like and then by the time I came home I started stand-up. But I wasn't a fan of stand-up. You started stand-up as soon as you came back from college? No, after I moved to Massachusetts to sell pot. And then I

sent myself to rehab. I miss my pot. I haven't smoked in like 20 something years. Really? I sold to dealers. I was like a dealer. So you were like a trafficker. Yeah, like I would get packages. I wish it was a sex trafficker. It's so boring.

It's pot. It's all sexy. Yeah, you're right. It is hot. So you moved to Massachusetts specifically to sell pot? I moved to Massachusetts because I hated my family. I was with a woman and so confused at what the fuck was wrong with me. So, yeah.

And I was a major pothead and I started getting it sent to me from California. And I was like, why don't I just sell it? And then I'd have to work. At what point? So you're like Johnny Depp and Blow at that point. Yeah. And I had gone to him for a master's in social work. I mean, it was really crazy.

It was not what I had planned. And at what point did you realize you were a lesbian? I still haven't. As your wife? Oh, I don't think so. We're not both like gay gay. That's why I didn't come out for solo because it's like a label. And I've been with a lot of guys and so is she.

And we've kind of like the way we are together is very like it's straight. When you were with guys. I know that sounds weird. No, it doesn't. I mean, you know, especially not nowadays. I mean, you know. We don't do what a lot of lesbians do. Well, what is that?

Well, they scissor, they cry. We don't. They scissor. Yeah, we strap it on and you know what I'm saying? It's very straight. You get down. Yeah. Well, but so, but do you have lesbian friends who are like that?

Yes. Like gay friends and. I have lesbian friends who've like that? Yes. Like gay friends? I have lesbian friends who've never even kissed a guy. A lot. Yeah. And are they into that? So in other words, do you socialize with them? Yeah.

I do. But you don't like what they do as far as socially, you mean? I've never felt like I was a part of the lesbian community. I just have happened to have lesbian friends. But most of my friends. Right, but you shouldn't have to be part of any community. That's what I'm saying. I'm not like, I don't march. Like you're a lesbian, go over there now. You just laugh because I don't march.

I don't carry signs. I mean, again, it's not your obligation. Do you feel an obligation to do that on some level? I mean, do you feel like the— I mean, I do feel like I'm very concerned about gay rights. Yeah, sure. Younger people and, you know, people who get attacked and all that shit. It makes me insane.

Because that still goes on a lot. Probably on a bigger level than even, like, racism. Anti-Semitism is probably, you know, the most tragic, had the worst consequences of any kind of hate probably in history. I don't know, who knows. I'm a part of a bunch of different groups. The gay thing is very like a lot of, you know, because in the South, you got the combination of the Bible. I know, it's bad. And then, you know, a lot of like even the football culture and stuff like that. Like that combination of, you know. And having feelings towards men and being freaked out by it.

I mean, can you imagine? It's worse for men. I don't care what anyone says. It's much harder for men. Yeah. No, it is. Danielle's very pretty. Yes, I've met her.

She has long hair. She's great. Right. So she's a great personality. So people don't like, we don't, if we were both like really butchy. Right. And, you know, wore no makeup, it would be harder. That's the truth.

I just feel sorry for someone who feels like there's something that, you know, they really have no control over and they have to be a certain way. Like you say, you don't march. Do you have friends who think, oh, you know, you're, you should be, you know, you're, you're somewhat. They're very angry. No, you're a comic. They're mad you don't do that. Well, they're mad you don't take. Do you have friends who think, oh, you know, you should be, you know, you're somewhat, no, you're a comic, they're mad you don't do that? They're mad you don't take up the cause? I think there's definitely some lesbians,

not friends, but people who, like, don't book me because I'm not a lesbian comic. For sure. Yeah, I mean, gay men book me all the time because they love female comics. Right, right, right. But I think there's probably some organizations,

lesbian books, absolutely, because that's not my act. It's five minutes of my act. I think, and that's the other thing, like the identifying thing, you know,

when you started doing stand-up, like when did you actually come out? See, I didn't talk about it for a while. Not at all. I never lied. I never was like, my boyfriend, and I did gay shows and came out, but in the city clubs

and stuff, or if I was at Bananas or all these places, I didn't talk about it for a while because I did what everyone did where they waited until they had a certain amount of success. Right, right, right. Look at who, Ellen, Wanda, Sandra, Margaret. I hate that people catch shit for that, too. I hated that people gave shit to Rosie O'Donnell. I'm like, come on. She's trying to make money.

I've gotten shit from lesbians. Yeah, you want to have some of that. It's so difficult. I've gotten it from lesbian comics who don't make money. I'm like, guess what? I have kids. Yeah. So I don't give a fuck what you think.

I have to support my children. It's a capitalist society. I hate that. I hate it, too. Again, it's a very complicated thing. And don't tell people when they should talk about anything. It's like my sobriety, everything. Don't tell me when I should talk about things.

It's my career. You've dealt with a lot of stuff. I have. Yeah. Yeah, I really have. How did your family react with the gay thing? But you're right. It's harder for men.

Oh, my God. Women are just more sensual creatures know, you're right. It's harder for men. I, I would say, Oh my God. Women are just more sensual creatures. It's more except, of course, all my friends are straight guys who love it. They're like, we want to be friends with you. They show me pictures of vaginas.

Like they're like, this is amazing. Who would really like care? I mean, whatever it's, it's hard to, I think people who have fear about it care more. I think if you're a guy and you know, you love pussy, you're not getting freaked out by it.

Yeah, no, exactly. But if you get hard at the gym and you don't know why, you know, it's like, oh, boy, this is a little scary. No, I mean, that must be, especially if you were brought up real super religious and then that happens. And that's why all of a sudden, you know, some of these southern preachers who are a little effeminate, they have a Little League team in the garage. I know, they're wiping cum off their face while they're preaching. But I'm sorry, you were going to say about your family. I'm from a non-religious Jewish family, so they're probably one of the most accepting groups. My father cried and asked me if it was his fault, and I was like, yes.

Isn't that amazing that he's being cool about it? I know. And he's considered cool about it. And then I told my mom and I was crying and she's like, honey, I knew like every time Melissa left the girl I met in college, I was like sobbing. She's like, you're not going to do that if a friend leaves the house. I was like, Melissa! And my mom, they were the most concerned about how I would be treated in society, which 20 years ago makes it 25 years ago. That would be my biggest concern. South Orange, New Jersey.

Right, of course. That would be my biggest concern if my son or daughter told me that. I would never. Exactly. I would love her probably more. Because you're a beautiful person. But I'm saying I would say I just hope everything is all right. You worry.

You worry like crazy. Especially with you, you're going on the road. Right. Like you said, you're, you know, God knows where you are. Yeah. You know, and. And if I'd ever have children, they were very upset I would never have children because 25 years ago.

And now I have four daughters. Right. It's hilarious. Okay. How do you have, do you have to get, are they adopted? No. So I have, so I have one with my, with both women, we use donors. That's great. So with my ex, I have one with my ex. With both women, we use donors. That's great.

So with my ex, I have a 13-year-old. Wow, a boy? A girl. They're all girls. And she's an actress. She auditions all the time. She's stunning. Yeah.

I talked with her yesterday. I was like, men are going to, I tell her because she's a knockout. Like, I'm not kidding. So I'm like, boys are going to try to get you drunk. I've been warning her. Do you know the donor? Do you know the donor? Well, it's an anonymous donor.

It is, okay. When she's older, she can, you know, find out and do what she wants to do. All right. But it was the only way because we both didn't want to do someone we knew and make it very complicated. No, that, that, that. I can't.

That, I've seen, that has got to be, I agree with you. It can end up being a nightmare. I agree with you completely. Amongst cousins. Because feelings get involved. You know what I mean? Forget it. That has got to be... It can end up being a nightmare. I agree with you completely. Because feelings get involved. My mom's cousins, Jesse, were gay. She had three cousins, brothers were all gay, right? Three brothers?

But this was like in the 50s and 60s. It was really rough. One of them, my cousin Johnny, he was like a tough gay guy. He would knock you the fuck out for being an idiot to him. Yeah. Well, I have friends like that too. I'm sure in your family that happened quite a bit. People being idiots. I love them.

That is a different level of... He was one of my favorite cousins, but he didn't take nonsense. So what? I wanted up my ass. Fuck you, man. Do you think there's any chance Mike is the donor for your daughter, for your 13-year-old? I think so. I think because she has his looks.

Have you donated sperm? No. It came from my shelf. She has his charisma. Did you? See, that fascinates me. And then I have another. I have a wife now. Right.

We have three kids. The woman I met. Yes. Danielle. So one with one and three with the other. Yeah. This is the show. Johnny Carson.

Bonnie McFarlane and I wrote a pitch and pitched it. Johnny Carson. Yeah. Bonnie and I got a script. Bonnie McFarlane. Yeah, we got a script deal at NBC Peacock about my life because it is fascinating. I'm like a every man's man. I mean, I'm really on the breadwinner.

It's unbelievably fascinating. Yeah, it is. It really is. I think with an ex-wife who's remarried to a woman. They have another girl with our donor. Oh, wow. Do you understand? Who would have been my daughter.

So it's basically a sister. Right. And it's all girls. Not one boy. It's really. So it's the same woman and the same donor. Yes. So it's basically, they're not even half sisters.

No, they're full sisters. They're full sisters. And my kids are full sisters, they're not even half sisters. No, they're full sisters. And my kids are full sisters. Yeah. Wow. I know. So now when you go to a place, some of your people listening are like, what the fuck is going? Cause this is great. It's fascinating. Again, uh, I don't mean that in an insulting way. I'm saying it's not a part of life that people know about. I mean, we live in suburbia. The families came together. But when you go for a donor, are you allowed to ask, like, can you say, like, what you

want physically? This is fascinating. You're going to love this. Or mentally or whatever. You're not even going to believe it. So we picked both times someone who had my features, my background, Jewish, Ashkenazi, from Egypt. That's fucking crazy.

You go, I want someone with this religion. It's unbelievable. Okay. And we saw pictures of both, which no one knows you can do that until they're like, I think seven or eight. So they were both adorable. And we heard their voice in interviews. I mean, it's really crazy.

So you heard the daughter's voices? Yes. It was incredible. They get that detailed? Yeah. Isn't that weird? And if you don't mind me asking, what does something like that cost? It's a fortune.

Is it? I'm sure. I think. I mean, you don't have to give me the exact number. No, it's okay. It was thousands of dollars. Because I went to the same place like Judy Gold went to, where it's the top of the top. It's like they only choose one out of a hundred men.

It's really, you know, they're pretty. Yeah, I met Judy's son. He's a good looking kid. They're both, you can make your kids stunning. No, I think, you know, I think if I, that's why I always tried to get a good looking woman because the kids would have half a chance. But, you know, that really is,

so I guess if you're like these good looking people with a good background and good bone structure and a nice voice, you go go, hey my sperm is worth money like a horse, like a racehorse you really gotta, and what else do you get going on mental stuff, all kinds of other stuff oh we see, you see everything you know more about everything, you know more about

their entire family medical history than I would ever know if you and I were dating and we had a kid everything from aunts, cousins everything, everything. Diabetes. Everything. Then the staff even comments on what they're like and what they look like.

Right. It's really unreal. Wow. For both of them, the staff was like, these guys are gorgeous. You know, they're really nice. But it's really, the whole thing is fascinating. So how different do you think your daughters are at all from your neighbors in suburbia who are a man and a woman with a traditional marriage? Nothing different. Isn't that unbelievable? There's no difference.

I'm just saying like in the way you bring them up. We have the exact same. It's really interesting. I'm not kidding. We're both like male in certain ways where we both are into sports. We're both – there's no difference. It's weird. I mean our families are completely opposite.

It's a similar – like I'm very from the Jewish, Short Hills, New Jersey, Livingston, South Orange. That is a specific thing. Absolutely. Country clubs. They're liberal. Short Hills, New Jersey is one of the wealthiest places. That's where my dad lives. So I'm from that, but they're great people, very loving.

And she's from Copse, Fireman, Queens, Blue Collar. And it's an amazing story. Yeah, it sounds like a perfect background for a child. Right. Every situation, Jewish, Catholic. Have your children faced anything in school where the other kids find it out and they catch shit for that? Not yet. Zoe, my 13-year-old, has had someone say something once, but she went right back at them.

She's unreal. Right. I mean, she's like— Did you guys talk to them about that? Always. You say like bullying and stuff like that. It's a little hard for me now with her. Like I was with her yesterday and she's like, I just want to find out who the donor is.

I got a little sad. I'm going to be honest. It was a little hard for me. That's a human thing. Of course. And she's getting older. So she's curious. Right.

It's hard. Yeah, I know. Absolutely. But it's like she has a friend whose mother passed. She has a friend whose parents took off and the grandparents are bringing them up. So everyone has stuff. Not everyone. But it's also great, too, in this situation, you know, that you're someone with an amazing sense of humor, too.

Yeah. Because raising a kid in that situation, you could teach them how to laugh at certain situations. Artie, you are so right. No, that is a big deal. Because that is exactly how Zoe is, my 13-year-old. She laughs so hard at it. Yeah. Like, she's in acting class

and the guy's like, well, what character? She's like, I want to play my father. And then she's like, I don't know how to play him because I never met him. I got to take you

to the times having conversations like this sometimes I feel hypocritical because I'm a comic. I will joke about anything. You know, the Howard Stern show. We did gay stuff, all this stuff. And you always hope that it comes through when you do stuff like that, that you're not a bad person.

Well, I joke about – are you kidding me? I joke about the same shit. Right, right. Because you have to. My point is exactly – I do it on stage all the time. I'm like, oh, God god I hope my kids are straight I hope they're not faggots

You have to joke about stuff Again if you lose your sense of humor About something then that's good So it's good that you're a comic Because you could really take it the other way Where you talk about going to marches And it's like let them figure it out for themselves But at some point do you sit them down

And say There is something a little different about, the fact that we're two women raising you? Well, I always have done that with them, and so has my ex. I mean, there is. And you are going to hear people who don't accept it, who don't like it. Now, they're in such a—this generation is so—Zoe's been asked out by girls. These girls date other girls. They're right. No, exactly.

It's so crazy. It's nothing— I have cousins. Oh, God, it's crazy. out by girls. These girls date other girls. Right. No, exactly. It's so crazy. It's nothing. I have cousins. Oh, God, it's crazy. It's unbelievable. I'm not this. I'm that. I mean, I don't even get the whole gender thing.

I'm not being crazy. I have no idea what the fuck is going on. Again, you don't know what to do. I have no idea. I mean, again, if someone is born that way, you don't know what to say. I identify. And you think I know because I'm clueless. I don't get what to say. Identify. And you think I'd know because I'm clueless. I don't get any of it.

And that's what she's growing up around now. But that's the thing. It's like someone might say, oh, you know, you're this certain thing, so you should know and you should identify and you should be more sensitive. And that's pushed on you. And it's like, well, just let me live my life. Well, I think that's why men, I appeal to men in standup and stuff because I am just like, I don't care. And I don't understand it. Right.

I understand what I'm doing, but I don't understand. I even have some things about certain gay male couples that I see together. I'm like, I don't get it. What do you mean? In what way? Like lesbians,

when there's two really butchy, I'm talking, which is fine, really butchy, I'm talking which is fine, really butchy women together, it's confusing to me. Does that happen a lot though? I thought one is more feminine. It happens a lot in like small towns because there's no one else.

So it's weird to me because I'm like, that's interesting. They're both really butchy. They're making it work. They're making it work because they're from Peoria. Right. Hey, Mikey, today's episode is sponsored by Tommy John. That's right.

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cheaper, faster choice, and we thank them for sponsoring the podcast. Again, you know, if the one of the, this PC culture woke, whatever you want to call it, it definitely hurts comedy. It can become a pain in the ass. But the one good byproduct of it is that everything is more accepted. It is. I mean, I have to admit, I hate when people get offended. I hate this cancel culture shit. I'm a comedian.

I can't stand it. But the fact that young people are more comfortable with stuff like that, that means they're less likely to hate or hurt somebody. You're right. You know, I mean. Yeah. And, you know, if comedy's got to suffer for the world to get better, what are you going to do, you know? I know.

I don't think, I don't think that's going to continue. You cannot, we'd all be, you know what I mean? The things I've said. Oh, forget it. On podcasts. I don't know. Are so, I could be arrested. Forget about canceled.

Yeah, I was talking about the kid from the SNL kid, Shane. I know. I've been talking to him because I'm like, listen, that was my dream. Right. And if that was taken away from me, I've been texting with him today. What happened to him is so ridiculous. It is so horrible. He was my guest a few weeks ago, and I was telling him I was on the Howard Stern show 20 years ago for 10 years.

I was on the Howard Stern show 20 years ago for 10 years. I mean, any 10-second clip of us on that show is way— I know. You could be deported. I know. I would go back and just look at some of the shit that, you know, me— every one of us said on that show, in the name of comedy or whatever the fuck we were talking about. Of course, and then when you're with comics, you just get worse and worse and worse. Like, it's just—

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It feeds off—it's just crazy. Yeah, because you want to one-up and worse. Like, it's just, it feeds off, it's just crazy. Yeah, because you want to one-up each other. Well, here's the thing. It's like, with stand-up, it's kind of rehearsed, obviously, and anything pre-written, it's rehearsed. But when you're on radio or a podcast, freewheeling, and you're with another comic, and you start going and going and going,

especially podcasts or tape, but we were live. You know, it's like, it was out there. You said it, and then boom. And with Howard, it was like millions of people hearing it. You know. You don't forget stuff you said, though? I mean. Oh, absolutely.

Oh, my God. I know you do. Oh, absolutely. You probably have forgotten every word. You're talking a five hour. I was on that show five hours a day for 10 years. For 10 years. I do gigs sometimes and someone would yell at you, pay that parking ticket in Chicago.

I'm like, what are you talking about? Yeah. I can't even imagine. Remember you said you had a parking ticket in Chicago? I'm like, what are you talking about? Remember you said you had a parking ticket in Chicago? I'm like, I guess. I paid it. It just went so fast. I'm sure you forgot stuff. I forget stuff when I get off stage.

I was at the cellar the other night and my friend said, do you realize the crowd work you just did was absolutely brilliant? I said, I'm not kidding. I have absolutely no idea what I just said. Literally. He had to refresh my memory. I block shit out. I have absolutely no idea what I just said. Literally, and he had to refresh my memory. I block shit out. I'm in the moment.

It's the only time I'm present is when I'm on stage. Let me ask you this. You say you're just barely okay sometimes. What if you didn't have comedy? I would be dead. You'd be dead. Yeah, I probably would have OD'd or I would have killed myself. Either one.

But thank God you found that, right? It's my therapy. When I don't do it for a while, I'm really killed myself. Either one. I would have hoedied or killed myself. But thank God you found that, right? It's my therapy. When I don't do it for a while, I'm really not okay. Like, I'm very down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And anxious. How often do you do it now? I mean, you got a kid with a former wife, a three with a...

You got a busy life. I mean, you know, 13. Thank God I'm with someone who's okay. We get along much better when I'm not home. Does she stay at home? Yeah, she's a therapist. My mother's a therapist. I mean, I have so much fucking material.

I don't even have to. She is a stay-at-home mom, and she loves that. And she's okay with me going away on the weekends and working so that she can be home. She's very good with that. But I do a lot of stand-up, and sometimes too much, and then I get really burnt out, and I have to take a little bit. You're on the road a lot? I haven't been a lot lately, but I'm about to be, because my special came out, so you

know I have to run with it a little bit. Well, yeah, so you've been doing a lot of press, right? It came out, you know. Yes. I did a lot of press. How many specials have you done? This was the first one. This was the first one I was going to say.

Bill Burr called me. He's like, what the fuck is going on? He's like, I want to give you a – because the deal was Comedy Central. I couldn't get one. Oh, right. Okay. It's just one of those situations. No kidding.

I got other stuff. That's astonishing. I know. Thank you. That really is. That was the one thing I was like, this is ridiculous. I mean, you're as good on stage as anyone I've ever seen in my life. Thank you.

You know, when you've been around for a while, a little while. Yeah, 20 years. I'm in my 21st year. That's amazing. Good special effects. I know. I know. I met you when I first started. Yeah, well, maybe that was it. Mike's good luck. Billy's a great guy. I love Burr as well. He's such a good guy. I've known him since the early 90s. He's like you. He's very supportive. No, when he likes a comic or he just helps people. He's such a good guy. I know him since the early 90s. He's like you. He's very supportive.

When he likes a comic or he just helps people. He's a good friend, too. He's a very good friend. He's a loyal friend. You can tell he's one of those guys that's not... He doesn't seem affected by the success at all. He don't give a shit about that stuff. Oh, my God. He doesn't care at all. I mean, listen. You can't help but change a little bit

in certain ways. It's nice to have a little money and stuff like that. But, you know, some people go off the deep end. He's the direct opposite. He's a pilot. He is the direct opposite. He's a pilot as well. He does? Yes, right?

I don't know about that. He might. I think he does. You're the same guy. Mike also said, I swear to God, what I'm about to say is true. Okay? This is why I'm not sure if he's right about this. Mike also, dead serious, without kidding, about three weeks ago on this podcast, said

Jeff Dunham invented the helicopter. Well, but I found out. How old is he? 215? I was going to say. He builds helicopters. Like he was. Yeah, but first of all, that's probably bullshit.

Or does the puppet. Is it him or the puppet? First of all, inventing a helicopter and building one are two very different things. I guarantee the building part is bullshit. No, I'm sure. He's not a stupid guy. He has to build 42 different dummies of every ethnic culture. He's got an Arab, he's got a Jew, he's got a black guy.

He's got a Jew man. But he's selling out arenas and he builds helicopters. Yeah. No, he does. He does. No, that's got to... Did he tell you that? Yeah.

I don't know. One of the dummies did. I like him. I'm mad. He builds helicopters. Who told you that? Willie or Lester? Or Shin-Hikawa.

Build me a helicopter, motherfucker! Yeah, he's got the Arab now. He's like a terrorist. Oh, yeah, he's always had the Arab. The thing about the Arab is he will not say what country or region the Arab is from. Of course.

Well, I mean, we can assume. He won't say what country. He's going to be one of three. Well, what region he's from because you know what will happen to him if he does that. He builds a helicopter and then he has the Arab puppet blow it up.

Did you ever see Otto and George? Otto and George is the ventriloquist. It's hysterically funny. His closing bit was he does the dummy is going to do a JFK impression, and then you just hear a shot, and he hits the dummy, and the head flies off of him. I mean, my God. That's my favorite shit.

I know it's horrible. He was some kind of genius. I don't think he invented it. That was in the Industrial Revolution. I don't know if Bill's a pilot. I don't know if Bill's a pilot. I'm fascinated by people who have different something insanely hard on top of a career.

I can't. I am too. Or people like Carrot Top, prop guys like Jeff Dunham with the dummies. I have forgotten socks on the road. You know, I forgot. Sometimes on the road when I was using, I took a shower with my socks on like three separate times. And I just didn't care I just put the sneakers on. But I think they're opposite.

They're incredibly OCD. I think you have to, I'm literally making that up, but don't they have to be OCD? Oh, yeah. There's that guy from Philly, the Great Wid, or the Great Wid,

his name's the Great, I don't know, Dave Justgau always has him at his birthday party. Oh, really? So Justgau asked me to follow him and it's a prop guy, like Carrot Top on steroids.

Oh, yeah, no. So I was like doing stand-up at FA Top on steroids. So I thought it was like doing stand-up at FAO Schwartz. I was hopping over wagons and like covered wagon with a fucking

beanie. What kind of shit from the 50s? That is just absolutely... You're right. I guess they must be different. And then Carrichoff works out a lot. I mean, constantly. He's jacked up now. Yeah, he looks like a friggin', he looks like The Rock or something.

Oh, he's enormous. He's a nice guy. I worked with him a couple times. He looks like a holla. Yeah, yeah, he does. Pishka Poe got jacked up for a short time now. I remember that like in the late 80s. That hurts comedy, I think.

But, you know, again. Yeah, that's why I'm going to stay fat. I just feel like if I get really firm, it'll hurt my stomach. Not a lot of comedians want to look like that. So, I mean, the thing is you say you're okay, but you have a full life. You probably have one of the fullest lives I could imagine a human being having. I know. It's only in my own brain.

It's not. You know, Artie, the more work I do, the more okay I am. I'm not doing it a lot lately. So it's, when I do, I'm okay. Now, do you talk about addiction on stage? Did you say, you know, you're in recovery. Yes, 100%. Yeah, of course.

Yeah, 100%. Is that therapeutic? You know what? I feel like, I don't know if you, you have such a different experience than me, but people get a little quiet when I talk about it. I feel like they're like a little sad. I don't know what's going on. Well, because you seem like such a sweet person. With me, they're like, but people get a little quiet when I talk about it. I feel like they're a little sad. I don't know what's going on.

Well, because you seem like such a sweet person. With me, I seem like a scumbag. No, you don't. Of course you did drugs, asshole. But you look like someone who's like, she seems all right. That's a shame. Yeah, last night I did a joke where I said, you know if you're like,

it's my turn and you're doing cocaine and you're alone, you have a problem. You know what I mean? And people you're like, it's my turn, and you're doing cocaine, and you're alone. You have a problem. You know what I mean? And people just are like, ha, ha. I don't think they believe me that I was snorting coke for hours. You don't look like a drug user. I know. You don't look like a coke head.

But I'm a vile drug. I can really go at it. Yeah, but I hate, Jesse, when people go. We met at the wrong time. The worst thing is people go, oh. I hate when people moan about stuff. They do that with me a lot. Well, maybe, do you think, I would like, I would, as a comic, and you might be the same way,

I would hate if it's more out of pity more than if it's just being disgusted with it. No, they're out of pity with me. Don't feel fucking sorry for me. It's not disgusted with me. They feel bad for me. Me too. I hate when they go, oh, I'm like. I hate when people do that.

It annoys the shit out of me too because it's like, oh, we're trying to be funny here. Have you ever gotten violent towards an audience member? Like, I mean, not physically, obviously. Yes. But like said stuff that you think was inappropriate. Really bad. Can you remember? Yes.

Like, really? I get quiet. When it gets that bad, I look at them and I get, like, my therapy background. Right, right, right. Like, I get very, like, you're, you know, you probably beat your wife. Is that why you're talking? What'd your mother do to you? Did you like it?

Right, right, right. Is that why you're confused? I get out of my mind. I mean, you're getting vicious. Yeah, I get vicious. About twice a year I get vicious. People don't understand that anger that a comic can get at. It's enraging.

Yeah. Don't shake your fucking head at me. But the same thing that makes you funny also makes you capable of that meanness. Of course. It comes from such a dark place. Did you ever go there in a relationship with someone where, the worst. I've never hit a woman in my life. But I, you know,

I've said things I wish I could have. Of course. As a comic too because sometimes you can get a little extra mean. Oh yeah, you smile and you're like,

you're sick, you fucking sick. One of the most brilliant things I've ever seen was David Teller the cell years ago. Somebody heckled him. For me it was Jeff Dunham

building a helicopter. No, but somebody heckled David years ago. Going back to the mid-90s. This is the 1 a.m. to Orlando. I'm your pilot, Bill Burr. No, but listen to this. Somebody heckled Dave.

I think he had the pilot. He shot a pilot. That's what it is. It was late at night. Did he shoot? He shot a pilot. Let me tell you what happened. Go ahead.

It was so brilliant when he did it. You're a great rock hunter. This is like maybe in the mid-90s. It was late night. Someone was heckling Dave Mattel, right? He just turned around and went, that's not right. I got picked on like this my whole life. Right.

So he kept saying it and saying it. That's probably the worst Dave Mattel story I've ever heard. No, no, but listen to me, right? I'm saying it. I'm fascinated. No, but listen, but listen to me, right? I'm fascinated. No, but listen, but he got the whole audience. First of all, you made him sort of fairy-like. I've been put on my whole life.

No, but he got the whole audience on his side. He's the Duke of Sussex. No, but he got the whole audience on the whole house on his side. Well, he could just do that by being hilarious. Turned into Andrew Dice Clay with him when he was leaving. It was hilarious. I don't know. That was a disappointing story.

I just napped. That is what's great about Mike. Sometimes during the stories, you can nap. I've seen Dan Adman turn to Dyson to sell it one night. Who did? Dan Adman turned to Andrew Dyson Clay one night. That's not true either.

I believe that Dunham invented the helicopter before that. He saidham invented the helicopter before that. He said he invented the helicopter. I've seen Dunham with two-hundred helicopters. Building the helicopter is the pull-back bullshit. Inventing is major. Yeah, I think it's Sikorsky. First of all, what year was that... What year was that?

Like 1888 or something. No, the helicopter was probably 19-something. How did it be? Yeah, 1920. The plane was... The Wright brothers got in the air in 1903. So maybe 1920.

That would make Dunham 211. And I'll tell you what, he maintains an amazing tour schedule. To be the inventor of the helicopter and to maintain that tour schedule he has no arthritis, he can build helicopters exactly, that would be like Alexander Graham Bell having 20 minutes

that's Alexander Graham Bell's middling at crackers first of all Caesar used to build, first of all, Caesar used to build trains. First of all, if you're opening actor, if the MC is giving you credits,

do you want Comedy Central? Do you want I Invented the Helicopter? I Invented the Helicopter. This next guy is a funny guy coming out of here. You're going to like him and his puppets.

He's been all over the country. He's been all over the country. He's been on Comics Unleashed. He has 17 specials, but most importantly, He also, by the way, invented the helicopter. He's been on Comics Unleashed. He has 17 specials, but most importantly... He also, by the way, invented the helicopter. Here's Jeff Johnson. How about this?

Your next guy is from Boston, one of the best comics working. He also flew himself here from Boston. He flew himself here from Boston. He got his wings about two years ago. It's hard enough. I'm fascinated by anybody who's good at...

You know, Alexander Graham Bell is a true story. You talk about being... Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone when he was 28. That's insane. What comes after that? Yeah, what do you do after that? There's no... Comedy with puppets?

It's like following the who. What are you going to do? I love the idea of him. He keeps going back into the patent office. Look, it's like a paperweight and a pencil holder. No, it's just not the telephone. It's kind of like a roach clip. We have roach clips.

Yeah, what would you follow that with? Seriously, carrying a disease. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That might be a bigger deal. Isn't it great if Alexander Graham Bell and Thomas Edison knew that our greatest inventor is George Foreman? How pissed off would Edison be? Our greatest inventor is George. There's a company called InventHelp.

And if it were 1898, its spokesman would be Thomas Edison. Instead, it's the guy who fell for rope-a-dope by Muhammad Ali do you think that George Foreman is no more for his boxing or for the grill and he's got $400 million from it holy shit

he's the highest paid, even more than Michael Jordan the highest paid athlete endorser for a product ever is George Foreman that's amazing it's just like some Jewish lawyer called him up and said the highest paid athlete endorser for a product ever is George Foreman. Holy shit. That's amazing. And it's just like some Jewish lawyer

called him up and said, listen, there's a grill. Can we put your name on it? Yeah, we got a grill. We got a good idea. That's what I mean about... Sure, I'll put my name on the grill.

52 athletes turned it down. But the great thing is he's famous in boxing, more famous for boxing than for losing to Muhammad Ali. Muhammad Ali had this technique called rope-a-dope where you would,

he would just let, he would put, this is why I'm so fucked up in the head at the end, but Ali's technique with rope-a-dope was he would just lay back on the ropes

and let the other guy punch himself out. So when the other guy got tired, he would just knock him out. Oh, that's so. So the other guy was the dope. Oh. So the most famous victim of rope-a-dope

is also our greatest inventor. So you need a rope and you need a dope. In that scenario, the dope is our greatest inventor. And if you're watching, they fight in Africa in 1974, and Ali is just... Oh, I want to see that now.

You have to see it. You don't even have to be a fan of boxing to watch how brilliant it is. Like, Ali just lets him go nuts, and Foreman is gone. And you see him getting, and then it takes two seconds. Ali sees an opening, boom, boom, and he falls. And then he's out. Incredible. He just looks like a dog.

It is incredible. And he's the spokesperson for Invento. I always thought that was fascinating. The grill is good, though. It's worth the money. Yeah, but you understand, like. Do you have that? My mom had it. I love the grill. I'm a big fan of, though. It's worth the money. Yeah, but you understand, like... Do you have that? My mom had it.

I love the grill. I'm a big fan of the grill. How about the Mike Boschetti grill? It's not working. The grill is all... It actually seals the fat in. The grill was incredible. It makes it ten times more fat.

If you want to seal all the... It adds fat to it. Our fat dispenser, our Mike Boschetti fat dispenser, will add more fat to it. Our fat dispenser. Our Mike Buscetti fat dispenser will add more fat to the burger. The grill is awesome, though. It's outstanding. I love it. Yeah, how often do you use it?

We don't have any more, though. I'm good. It was awesome. We love the grill. So why don't you get another one? I haven't thought about it in a while. We mentioned it now. Yeah, but that is amazing.

Two I haven't thought about. We just thought about it until right now. Like, but that is amazing. I haven't thought about it. He just thought about it until right now. Like this thing that was amazing that I loved, I didn't get another one. What did you...

That's like getting a blowjob going, should I get another one of those? I got a blowjob once. I haven't thought about it in a while. I really should get

another blowjob. I'd say that blowjob was great. I brought up a nice coffee maker. My mother gave a great blowjob. I'd say getting a blowjob while using the George Foreman grill. That's heaven.

The George Foreman grill blowing you. I brought up a nice coffee maker. He goes, we have a nice coffee maker. That's fantastic. Oh, my God, that is really amazing. But what does that have to do with anything? A nice coffee maker. I like it.

I love it. Yeah, but what does that have to do with anything? A nice coffee maker. I like it. I love it. Yeah, but what does that have to do with a George Foreman grill? Get it, have both. You have a big enough kitchen. I cannot believe what he just said. We do have a nice coffee maker now. Yeah, yeah. That was unbelievable. This is why he's the co-host. We do have a great foyer.

I'll tell you, that George Foreman grill is great. Like, it's hard to get. They're all over the place. Like, you can't swing a dead cat in a Walmart without, that George Foreman grill is great. Like, it's hard to get. They're all over the place. Like, you can't swing a dead cat in a Walmart without having a George Foreman grill. She got rid of it, and I don't know where to get another one. Do you have a new model? A new model? A new model.

The Mike Buscetti grill adding fat, I think it's fantastic. Yeah. It comes out fried with breading. She's all over it. A sundae on top. It adds a hot dog sundae to a cheeseburger. Oh, no. It comes with a pig on top of it, a whole roasted pig.

Dab some in the popcorn, make us now, Bill. I love that kind. I love gadgets. Gadgets? It is. And the Mike Borshetti grill will add a live pig to a pastrami sandwich. I'm actually going to get a snow cone machine a little mad. It puts a Reuben on top of a cheesesteak.

Reuben. Oh, God almighty. I love Reuben. Out of nowhere, a Reuben goes on top of a cheesesteak. Reuben with salad. Oh, God almighty. Reuben with salad. Reuben with salad. You like to have a nice salad with a Reuben? No, forget about the salad.

Reuben's a fantastic. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Why did your mom get rid of it? Did it break? Broke. We used it so much yesterday. I can imagine.

There's probably a line outside, like the DMV. No, they probably had holiday dinners with it. The George Foreman turkey grill. Yeah, but the thing is... George Foreman lasagna! I like devices like that. It puts a live pig on top of it. It's not even dead.

There's just a huge... There's just a huge... How do you make a cheeseburger but you put it in a live... A breathing pig. No, but it's horrible. They brought home a pig for a barbecue? It's horrible. What did you say?

They brought a live pig for a barbecue a couple of years ago. I haven't had ham shakes. What? That was awful? No, why? Because they brought a live pig for a barbecue to the house. Who killed it? It was killed already, but the thing is...

They ate it alive. No, no. You just said a live pig was killed already. They killed it by chewing it. I understand. They killed it. They killed it. They killed it. They killed it. They killed it. They killed it. They killed it. They killed it. They killed it. They. No, no said a live pig killed already I'm sorry They brought the animals that they were eating already. You want a big knuckle sandwich? No, I can't eat ham to this day. I hate ham now. He answered the question. I hate ham to this day.

You do not hate ham. No, I hate it because you know why you have to eat it. Mike, you don't hate ham. You're in denial. No, I'm eating them up like a fucking savage. Hey, Joey, you faggot. You want to eat it? Pick it. No, no, it's true.

No, it's true. No, it's true. I couldn't take it. It was horrible. I had to go to the house. Their food network gets Babe the Pig out. That is just fucking amazing. Just after some hatch opens and a live pig drops on the

fucking It's a cheesesteak you put in the Mike Buscetti grill. And the hoofs are moving in the sandwich. It's just hard to chew like that. I couldn't even... He's just still answering. Wait a minute.

I understand. Well, that's the beauty of Mike. You don't... He's my Ed McMahon. I mean, you know, when a shitty animal looked dead like that... So the reason is you feel sorry for... So in other words, you probably loved ham

your entire life on a level. So then you see a live pig. You realize they were pigs dying, right? It wasn't alive. It was dead already. But you realize a ham, when you ate ham before that, used to be alive.

Yeah, but I didn't see the animal like that. Do you think the same thing would happen with chicken? Like if you saw a live chicken? No. I like chicken too much. Yeah, but ham is not that bad. Again, I think it's all bullshit. I think it's all bullshit.

I don't give a shit if the chicken was fucking killed. I like chicken too. The idea of a hatch opening and a pig dropping on a fucking cheeseburger. On a Reuben. On a Reuben. Hey, did you get the pig Reuben? And all his Italian. Hey, Tony, the gay ones.

Hey, you want the tail, you faggot? Are you all the gay bochettis? There's a show, the gay bochettis. We have Bravo. We got to go to Bravo. Who's that guy, Andy Cohen? We got to get him right now. Gay Bochetti.

The Gay Bochettis. I would watch that. And they all have a Gay Bochetti grill. Three brothers, my mom's cousins. A Mike Bochetti grill. The Gay Bochettis with a pig on a robot. They're fat gay guys. Two of them passed away.

One's alive now still. AIDS? No, one more. I got the theme song. I'm a fat fig. I like dudes and greasy foods. I'm a fat fig, I like dudes and greasy foods I'm a fat fig, I like gays and mayonnaise Fat Fashetti, Fat Fat Fashetti

I'm a fat fig, I like nuts and nuts I like regular nuts and nuts Well listen, honestly again If it was a perfect world, someone would pick that up. That would be a hit show. Yeah, yeah. The gay bullshit. If your whole family was gay.

How many of them, are they all dead? I'm sorry to hear that. Two of them died. One's still alive. But one would date women for a while. He wasn't sure if he was gay or not. Like Jessica said earlier, he just, but he, you know, like. What?

I mean, again, I think, you know, again, a woman, a woman being bisexual is more understandable to me, too, than a man being bisexual. I know that sounds horrible, but to me, too. I'm being honest. Because a lot of the kids I grew up with, you know, again, I'm North Jersey, very blue collar. And again, when I got into show business, I wanted to do me at TV. I made a lot of guy friends who were gay. And you get, again, you become enlightened. That's why I'm glad you realize people are born, like, I think it's just a choice, and

it's like, no, if you hate this person, you hate God, because God made him, I mean, it's probably not a choice. And who would choose, excuse me, who would choose to be a gay man? That's what I mean. Like, a really feminine, who would choose that? Right, nobody understands that more, nobody should understand that more than a heterosexual man, that it can't be a choice. It's probably you're born that way. That's very true.

You know what I mean? And a lot of my straight guy friends are like, I wish I were gay. You can fuck whenever you want. You just say, hey, what's up? They're very, like a lot of gay men are just sex and that's it. Well, Norm Macdonald used to say, there's no man, there's no woman to say no. It's like, you want to have sex? Yeah. That's what I'm saying. You just wink and that's it. Well, there's no, what Norm MacDonald used to say, he goes, yeah, there's no man, there's no woman to say no. It's like, you want to have sex? Yeah.

That's what I'm saying. You just wink and that's it. Like, I can't believe there's a grinder. Why do you need a, like a, like a place for that? Just go outside your house and go, who wants to fuck? I'm late for work. Because they put in exactly what they want. It's very, I mean, you could be really specific.

You gotta be specific. Mike, are you on any of the date sites? No. The Tinder? I was on Tinder, but it was horrible. What happened there? Just a couple of misfits worse than anything. So you matched with somebody?

We were on Tinder for a couple of matches, but it was like... And what happened? Well, Hook is actually a couple of matches. Well, I think that happens a lot, though, right? Oh, really? They're reaching out so that you'll pay them, right? Yeah, absolutely. Don't feel bad about that, Mike.

That happens a lot, I think. I don't even... Yeah, but you know what? I hate those dating sites. I used to do, like, personal edge. Or feel bad about it. Personal edge is the worst. The what?

Personal edge. Years ago. Not even... Craigslist kind of shit? Craigslist is... That's a nightmare situation. Those are dangerous. More than anything.

They are. That's a nightmare situation, Craigslist. That's like a... I want to say one thing, Jessica. I loved... De Niro loved you. That was so awesome. I got to work with him for like four hours.

What happened there? What's your De Niro story? Well, he's... You'll love it. I thought you knew... He saw me at the Comedy Cellar. Oh, yeah. I know, yeah.

And he flipped out when I turned around and talked to myself. And are you in The Comedian? You're in The Comedian? Yeah, but I didn't... It's incredible. I'm not even just in it. I was his coach and his side person. So I got to produce and credit.

It was crazy. That's awesome. Yeah. He hooks on to people and trust them. Especially, I think if you see somebody as good as you on stage, it goes on someone I could, you know, and you make a connection with them. If you're going to play even an actor as good as him and legendary as him, blah, blah, blah, famous, all that other shit.

If you're going to take on something like that, that's a hard undertaking. Oh, it was horrible. You've got to play a comedian. That's been doing it 35 years. I mean, he was having a hard time. It was hard. That's, that's, that's, I mean, I respect him. Yeah.

He said it's the hardest thing he ever did. Isn't that incredible? Yeah. Yeah. You would think the mission where he has to go over a waterfall or play a boxer from the Bronx. Right, the boxer thing a lot of people say. That is, that's, I don't know. So you were his coach, actually.

Yeah, I like became, but not, it's weird. I became, I got a producer credit because I insisted on it. They wouldn't give me a writing credit because they couldn't. There was too many writers. But I actually ended up like directing certain scenes. I mean, it was insane. He's like, I want Jessica to be in the room with Leslie Mann and I alone and go over this scene. Have you stayed in touch with him at all?

Yeah. I speak to him a lot. He's going to do my podcast, actually. And I just talked to his company about a movie idea. Well, there you go. He's incredible. He's such a good guy. He really is.

I mean, he's all political now and all this stuff. Oh, my God. I know. I know. It took a lot to get him going for a while. You mentioned Trump and boom, he's off to the races. Yeah, he's enraged. But he's a great guy. He's a

loyal person. He really is. He's going to do your podcast. You should try to do that in front of a live audience. I just thought that, Artie. That's so weird you just said that. Like with the one when I did it at the stand. Yeah, I thought. Can you imagine if he did a live audience?

That would be unbelievable. Yeah, I had a lot of fun doing it. Because he's only done one. He did Michael Moore's, which I didn't listen to. No, okay. Only one podcast? Yeah. When I asked him, he didn't even really know what it was.

And then he ended up doing it. But he said, I promise you I'm going to do it in the next month or two. Well, you know what, Jess? I thank you I'm going to do it in the next month or two. Well, you know what, Jess? I thank you so much for coming in. Are you kidding me? I'm so grateful that you have me. I love you so much. This is a lot of good laughter. Anything in particular you want to plug? Yeah, I have a podcast

relatively sane that you did, of course, did a live one. It's so much fun. It's great. I interview comics, but it's real. It's not just to be funny. I had a blast doing that. It's with Bill Burr's company, with All Things Comedy.

So he flies you out personally to the gig? No! He's the pilot. I guarantee Google... I know I'm right. I'm not going to rag on it. That he flies himself? He flies. I. I know I'm right. Whatever. I'm not going to rag on it. That he flies himself? He flies.

No, that he's a pilot. He has a pilot's license. I don't think he is. I don't know what I believe less than that. He might have a pilot's license, but he's not a pilot. I would believe that there's a Mike Buscetti grill with the pig before that. And my website has upcoming dates, JessicaCurson.com. JessicaCurson.com.

Mike, anything closing thoughts? Oh, we had a great time with Jessica. It was so much fun. I love you. You're brilliant. You're both brilliant. The great Jessica Curson. This has been Art of Length and Effort.

We'll see you next time. Bye. Bye. Bye. Thanks so much for watching. We'll see you next time.