Athletico Mince - Boiled Parsnips 12: Hell Prawns

Episode Date: October 29, 2021

Tinned meat, Klopp v Dyche, influencing, a row at the Beardsley’s and more. (Rec: 29/10/21) Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Good day to you and welcome along to another episode of Athletical Passnips. I hope you are well and staying safe as we all wait for this current life storm to pass. Imagine a day in the near future as you sit on a beach somewhere hot and sunny, almost uncomfortably hot, sand between your toes and a cool drink in your hand. This is what you have waited for. As you gaze upon the blue sea, the heavenly vision is destroyed as a near-hell as old man emerges from the water and staggers towards you, proffering something wet, slimy and stinking from his abnormally small hand. You are a triumph of a rage! I think they're hell-pronged! He shouts as he presses of seaweed into your face and begins to cry.

It's of course my co-host, Mr Bob Mortimer. A little seaman, with your tiny twat hands. Oh Mr. Hell-prong, how we cursed the day you were born. Oh, Bob, that was nice. But also cruel. Yeah, a little bit. We enjoyed it. But that's our, I'll be telling you all

you were buds at Lycate. Good. Good start. Helperons, do you consider a prawns a successful flip type of fish? Act of God. Do you like them?

I do. I do. Well, I mentioned to you before, I've still got a prawn ring and be freezer and it is taunting me. I reckon I'm on the cusp of it being poisonous now because I've got it before Christmas. Well, like I say. I need to, as they say, shit, I'll get off the pot.

You need to, I thought you were going to have a yes or no. I'm going to start off with a quiz. What do you think of that? It's bald. shit, I'll get off the pot. You need to, I thought you were gonna have a yes or no. I'm gonna start off with a quiz. What do you think of that? It's bald. Yeah, I know. I'll go along with it. It's usual format, cost of items, everyday items, cheapness to most expensive, a vice versa.

It's called Andy, Boeing, PARP, POC, PRAINUP! PRAINUP! Thwack-dying, pork, pre-nuts, thwack, dying, princes, oh yeah, bang-ping, boom-balls, give me just a little more time, time, time, time, time. So Andrew, the three items are all Tescos, yeah?

Mm-hmm. Tinned meats from Tescos, I know that's an area you like to dwell. Yeah, I'm very familiar with that. When your kids were young, did you use to liquidize tin meats and give them the kids in the bottle? Well, yeah, well, I wouldn't yeah. You did. Not something you methoded to, yeah.

Well, I say liquidize. And what I do is I put it in like a bin liner and then pour a bit of water in and just stamp on it for a bit. Get the till it was quite liquidy. Get the dog to sit on it, warm it up. Listen up. Yes, Paul. You'll be familiar with spam, of course. A standard spam chop pork and ham at 340 grams. Prince's corn beef, 340g, that's your standard tin. And for a bentos meatballs in tomato sauce, 380g, that's slightly bigger than the tin of beans tin. You know?

It is, I could be significant, I think, when I'm trying to work this out. I think the meatballs are gonna be in the middle. Okay. I think the spam is a spam in the corn both. They say I'm a peck man. I enjoy a tin of peck rather than spam. Yeah. Which is obviously it's industry rival. I thought you were meant to feed peck to just for the garden birds. Is that why it's called peckball? Well that's what I should. Well this is odd. I'm going to go spam meatballs cornbuff.

That's expensive to cheapest. Alright Andrew, spam is the most expensive. Yes, yes. Cornbuff second at £2.30. Fuck! DeFreur bent us cheeky mate balls coming at 54 pence. What? So that what could be in them?

Who knows? What could be in them? Bits and Paces. For a future episode, I might invest in one of them and try it out live on the live on the podcast. Do you know it's one of them where you know, pick, you know, pick, I've heard people say it on online, they say, you know, you're complaining about the vaccine because you don't know what's in it, I've never eaten hot dog. It's not the thing. It's going to work. Is that the voice you give to every internet character? Yes, yes. That's Mr. Shortshrift.

A. Andy. Actually, I'll give you some names, if you like. Go on then. You can be Mr. Shortshrift. Like it. You can be him. For a deer. Oh, I've just done there.

You can be Rasputin Runsalot. Yeah. He runs and runs and runs and runs and runs and runs and runs and runs and runs and runs. No one knows what is running from or towards. I don't know that. I don't know that reference. Was there a Rasputin cartoon or something? No, it's just Rasputin runs a lot. He's now. All right. Yeah. I didn't know that. It could be a card. Oh, it could be a card. Oh, get drawing. Or you can be James membership. Yeah. Lots of people call him Jim membership for a laugh. Eddie fucking here to

or you can continue. You can continue to be big Linda, which you were last time I give you an M. Okay. Well, I would like to be Jim membership. James membership. I think it's very important. The like, doesn't like being called Jim membership. Here to it.

Andy Arison. Anywhere. Great news. Oh, what of you? I don't know if you remember on the last podcast, I asked Badger from Infinity Rock and Plastics if he could tap into hacking the CCTV from the tunnel the United Anfield.

You know when Klopp and Dax had the little bar. Well, he's only gone and come good, Badger. My God. So shall we play that, yeah? Yeah. What's y'all looking at? Take a photo next time it'll last longer. Oh, yeah.

I've seen better beards on the muscles. I buy from Aldi, you ginger pig. Oh, pig is it. You want to look in the mirror mate. You might get some clues on Outermaker Nomlet. Ah, it's lucky for you that Murras cannot talk. Ah, very good son. If I'd have faced like yours, that's so me parents. Oh, is that right? Hey, hey, if I throw a stick, will you leave? Ha, ha, ha!

You know what? You know what? It's absolutely impossible to underestimate you. I'm jealous of all the people who've never met you. Y'all for sure, you should be so lucky. You know, the only difference between Roadkill and a ginger is that Roadkill has skid marks in front of it. Ha ha ha. Ah, there's so many foreigners in your team, they should have passport control in the tunnel. There are so many long balls in your team that you have to talk to them into your socks Ah, you know that for me no prick are they're teeth in his gob are fucking like bulbs Huh? At least he can afford a dentist. You're like get their teeth done at Timson's accomplice Ah

Your jealous your jealous is your ass jealous of the're jealous. It's your ass, jealous, it'll be a massive shit. It just came out of your mouth. I don't think so. You made the reason that Jean Paul needs a lifeguard. Bottom line is, we're gonna beat you tonight, clop or the clown. I don't think so, Davros. That's gonna happen. Fuck off. No, you fuck off.

Reverse the living shit out of your death for sure. Oh, wouldn't that see end? So they had a good old bad old. Well, I need to know. Proper ding dong that one, right? Maybe. Hey, you know what? What?

We're doing this remotely, aren't we? Over the internet. Yeah. And we're apart because of circumstances. Do you know what I miss the most? No. About making up my studio, walking down Khanabay Street. You like that?

I miss it. When you don't walk down Khanabay Street, you think about the things that you miss. I want men buying down a row of the, and an onion drenched with peace. I just needed to get that out, I'm sorry. You obviously do. I have to cut it out if you want. No, you obviously really miss it. It was a nice, very evocative.

Yeah. There's a little file attached, actually, Andy, to that infinity thing. Let's have a look. Right. Well, that's interesting. Listen up. Badgers managed to get me some audio of, and I'm just reading it, you randy, of an official police interview with him for potentially breaking lockdown roles. Who is this? Who are they talking about? Peter Walton,

you know the BT referee expert. The official BT in house referee. Yeah. There was saying that he had driven to his local park for a jog and at some point he picked up a cup of coffee. So anyway, shall we play it? See what it's about? Why not? Can you help me the officer? I'll be the officer. OK.

So Mr Walton, I would like you to this CC TV footage of your car arriving in Victoria Park I don't like that police officer Andrew does he said to you would they pay you? Nice a bit He's a bit like only fools and asses. What would you like it? The sound like I'd like you to be a bit deeper and kinder You know so I'm Mr Walton Okay, okay, so Mr Walton, I'd like you to know you all this CCC V8 footage of your car arriving at Victoria Park. How was that? Was that better? Yeah that was nice. And the I'll just peed the Walton talk. I have no idea I'd ever listen to him.

He's all this blogger. That's not my car. I drive a red fiesta. That's a blue Nissan Micro. Well, the footage has been reviewed by my chief inspector, Mr Walton, and he has confirmed it is your car. Oh, well, in that case, I suppose it is, but I could have sworn my car was red. But I think you would agree with my inspector that at certain times of the day it is very difficult to distinguish red from blue. Well I was not aware of that but if the inspector says so then I'm sure it's right. And Mr Walton would you agree that this here is you jogging by the ornamental lake? No no it can't be my jogging suit is black, that one looks like grey to me. The inspectors do not say that the jogging suit is the same colour as the one

you were arrested in Mr Walton. He adds that is often the case that black materials can appear grey when they are filled near to adjacent to water. Oh, well if the inspector says so then I'm sure that's true but I was only out for a run I didn't think that was against the rules. That's not quite true though is it so you can clearly see that in this shot you have a cup of coffee in your hand not the sort of thing you would do if you were exercising. But after I was just putting a discarded cup in the bin you can see that I just stopped for a second pick up the cup and put it in the bin. You can see that I just stop for a second, pick up the cup,

and put it in the bin. The chief inspector, Mr Walton, says that due to the angle of the camera, an effect is produced, where a five minute sequence can appear to pass in less than a couple of seconds. Well, that doesn't seem right, but if the inspector says so, then it must be correct. So, do you admit the offence? Yes, yes, I do do and I'm very sorry if anything I have said has upset the inspector. God, lad Peter, I'm sure the inspector will be very glad to hear that. And that's the end of that? Yeah, I'm not sure of that work, do I not? You know what, I'm not sure of that work, do I?

You know what, I'm not sure of that work, do I? I'm not sure of that work, do I? I'm not sure of that work, do I? You know what, I've got the Met Office up on me phone and just as we started recording this, I had a yellow warning of ice had been issued and I thought oh oh yeah then I don't know, 10 minutes later, yellow warning of ice has been removed. So someone's taking the piss at the Met Office, so I don't know what the weather's like out there. Could be AC. Might have been AC 10 minutes ago. Maybe all right. No. It's just pretty gloomy really. How about you? Well, maybe the warden was just for your phone. Did your phone freeze

over? Oh, yeah. It's nearing Reiser, I might have been that. But I've got a new app. I think it's called Vivu or Vivu, some of the like that. And they usually are, aren't they? Yeah, and then you buy some sticks, some like long sticks, with bits of litmus paper on them, and then you have a way on them, and then you photograph that stick. Did you jump them up your phone?

What the sorry about that? To get photographed. And it tells you, them up your phone? What the sorry about it? To get photographs. And it tells you it gives your health read out, you know, about infections, hydration. According to the color of the lip mystic. I suppose so, yeah. Do you find that reassuring then?

Well, I don't know, we'll have to say. It said I wasn't getting enough water. So, I'm trying to have a bit more next time I ever would. I mean, you get to weigh on a stick, you know, that's not bad, is it? Yeah, I know. It's a legitimized unusual weigh-in. Yeah. I'm like, what's the app you use most on your phone? What's the app on me? I use most on my phone. I will be probably Twitter. What else do I use? I like looking at houses. Do you? I like looking at houses, yeah.

I might move house soon, yeah. From the fungal or into another fungal or, hopefully, a bigger one. Right. But you'll never let experience life over two stories. You're set on bungalows, eh? Ah, well, the fun is in the fungalore, so why, why, you know, try and mess it up by introducing stairs, stairs are just a complication. I'm getting to the edge now where people try to eradicate stairs from their life, to a ruin. I'm over the brow of life's hill, so why, why bring stairs into it? Are you going to get PVC windows as well? Is that the sort of thing you like?

PVC, what like plastic? Yeah. And a plastic front door. But when you dogpist it. Like cling film windows, you mean? Well, I'm thinking that you front door, so when your dogpist is on it, you can just wipe it clean.

You can see where it's been. I'll just have plastic sheet and don't everywhere, probably. You just have plastic sheet? And't everywhere probably. You just have plastic sheet? And you and you spilt it for mopping up the piece. Whether it's the dog's piece or my piece. Let's not talk about that. Thank you. Yeah, we went down an avenue that wasn't particularly pleasant there, but I'll see it to you. Have you been watching anything good on Telly? Because that's what we're talking about, right? I went back, I've been, you know, I've been,

I think I mentioned before I've been doing a backtracking, you know, like watching, breaking bad again, watching, home and again. No, watching it from start again, you know? All right, okay. And I'm doing the French cop on Spiral at the moment. Right. And I'm also watching documentaries about Donald Trump.

They're very appealing. I don't know why. It's that erode accident in it, but- I think it's more appealing now that he's gone. Yeah, maybe that's it. Kind of the back on what it was and why it happened. I don't have the fear that he might do something, you know, world-changing anymore. I've followed up a recommendation of yours from age as a goal to

it does down to does down. Oh right you I would you find it. I love it. I love it. There's four series on I play the whole thing and I'm waiting through that I'm in the series two now. Really funny. So there we are. So you recommended that age as an age as a girl. Did you I recommended the disappearance of Sarah Cox Powell to you yesterday? You did did you follow that up? No, no, because that was just yesterday. Why would I have done that straight away? I'm gonna do something you tell me you don't straight away. I'm a Point of that. I also watched it's a sin the channel for thing about the friends who all got it which is the channel 4 thing about the friends who all got eared which is, it doesn't sound like fun and it's not but it's really good and a documentary on BBC Northern Ireland about Neil Hannan of the Divine Comedy. And was that good? A good fun of his music? Yeah nice. Yeah that was good only

after now though, should have been an hour I thought. Tiny little fella, I was in the lift with him once. Oh I imagine yeah yeah. I mean tiny like maybe five putt. I mean you're hand could you put them in your hand and they let impress the buttons. I reckon you could get him in a bin liner. You reckon. No reckon yeah. A decent one. Yeah black. No a black bin. A black bin yeah. Yeah. Put some arms in it and some footsols. He'd be up his lary. He'd take him to the fun fair and'd... You'd think, you'd think most people would fit in one of them being bagged but it's harder than you think, isn't it? It is hard.

As you go to fall them over. MUSIC Hello, I'm Rich. A guru is near your... Oh hello, guru. Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum. Are you way? Are your shackles all smooth and still,

or they'd go off like a load of fucking bangers on Guy's Fox night. Oh, smooth, thanks, Guru, I think, lovely smooth shackers. And how is your mind, is it gently worrying or turning towards the barmy in the current climate? Well, it's pretty good all things considered, but I am having trouble sleeping some nights. Oh, I can help with that, Robert. I've been drifting slowly into the mindfulness influence deterioration recently. It's a little bit, little bit, little bit, little bit. Oh, interesting. So what can you do for me?

Very simple, very simple. When it comes to bedtime, just close your eyes, lie flat on your back and imagine you're in Dubai, lounging by a pool with a cocktail and your favourite sunglasses on. Okay, I'm doing that, yeah? Yes, and then this is the important bit, then you'll then need to play a recording of me, and I will send you, where you'll hear me saying over and over, hashtag Dubai, hashtag Dubai, hashtag Dubai, and soon you will drift off to sleep. Wow, wow, I nearly did then. So how do I get that recording of your voice? Well, first, I need to travel travel to Dubai to record it for you.

It won't work otherwise. I can't influence you if I'm not in Dubai. Do you understand that I would work? No, not really, no. No, I thought not. It's a level of consciousness that you could never hope to attain. Basically, right? If you could just wire me over 18,000 pounds, I to do buy record the thing and then send it to you.

Well that's a lot of money guru. Do you want to get some bloody sleep or don't you? Yes, sorry guru, yeah no I'll do it now. I'll do it now. Good good and hurry up because I've got a plane to do by charter's for tomorrow morning 18 grand yes yeah okay wow I just I don't know I just had a visit from the guru what yeah he's good he's gonna help me get some I'm not sleeping that while he's gonna help me out Yeah, oh good good. I'm a generous man very generous man. Oh, I don't dare tell you how much it's costing but um oh I think it's worth it. It probably will be yeah Are you an influencer Andy? I'm trying to be yeah, I posted a thing on Instagram where I was dicks to where Victoria's sponge either did, but the result aren't any yet,

but hopefully that'll have increased the sales. Oh, you're trying to influence sales of Victoria's sponge cakes? Yeah, yeah. I don't know what's in it for me, I don't know what works. Well, good luck with that, good luck with it though. Thank you. Pete has been in touch, been long time,

with one of his updates. Okay, would you like to commence that now? Yes, I'd better play that, see what you think, let's see how he's getting on. Oh, Bob, how are you did, Lyn? I'm just sat up in the spare room passing the time on me on that, you know. There was quite a lot of, not in the attic last night, you know, I reckon the Albanian fella next door, I'd crat in the attic and was doing his fork dancing like, oh you know whatever it is that Albanian nervous doing like you know Anyway, I went up there, but of course

It's a piece of bad time. I got there. I right you must have some sort of Albanian laser And let's just you know that tells him if I'm on me way up like you know So I look around and I know it's an old VHS player, you know. You know one of them that looks like a part of a television like and you just stick a fidu in the front, you know. And like when you insert the money and watching the show that the landwreck like you know. Anyways, I brought it down in the spare room. I'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gwaithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweith Hello, never. What a pleasant surprise. I would invite you in but for the Covid restrictions on social interactions. I don't want to talk about Covid.

No, you can't. No, I think you go ahead. I don't want to talk about Covid. I want my video player back. I know you got it. I know you're coming by at it that night to fiddle about. I don't know such thing. I must ask you to withdraw. How is that the fuck don't pay there and why have I not been fully informed without having to fuck and ask? It's our billionth fellow for next door like, well invite him in and your useless foreign dialers! I can't love like because of the government guidance on social interactions. Ah fuck off with your dad and shite, I'll come to the door! The white's just coming out me. As if I give a fuck, just give me my video player!

Oh, hello n' ever, I must say, I've admired your physique very much when I've seen you chopping up shite in your fucking garden. Sir, you're very right. I'm a very gorgeous man. Uh, would you be interested in, for example, a couple of very fucking runny purges to take away this piece of skinny shit Can knock them up in a couple of minutes and perhaps you can knock me up whilst that prick is in the kitchen Yeah, no thank you. This little prick is stalling a video machine from my attic and I want you back now It's this trope, Peter No, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not even beating it that big This trope, Peter? No, no, no, I don't even believe in you, that egg.

I only need to know where it is. Though, as a spectre, it's at the very top of his house. Okay, Peter, you go back upstairs and let me deal with this. So I just stood back a bit like, what did you call my husband? A little prick, because he is. Oh, it's that that right is it? Well at this point my wife suddenly picks up the clarum that it's on the table and smashes it out in

the Albanian phallus temple and he fell down to his knees like nobody and I mean fuck at nobody, cause my Peter, a prick, do you fuck and hear me? And then she grabbed him by his hand, like in first his face down into her lop and dug it, that the wife had thrown out of her bedroom window. If I ever see your fucking dosy face on my property again, I will lump you all the way to a new part via the chair there, four-con gorge. Now, four-coff. And your baby bloke, you know, he stumbles away like a puppy that's like, you know, but I mean, that was a bit drastic. Are you know but I'm here, so that was a bit drastic

are you okay? I'm fine, like I said nobody calls my Peter of Prick and gets away with it I'm thanks darling, I don't love you very much whatever, now go and fetch me my porches and make sure they're very fuckin' woolly, you useless prick yeah, I will do, so that was certainly an incident, wasn't it, Bob? Anyways, before I go out and I tell you I cut the jokes from the YOLK YOLK book, you know, it goes in.

I really wanted to shout at the bloat like, oh Nick, me get it, but the wife stopped me. She said he might take offense. I started a new job as a security guard, and the bus told me, I had to make sure I watched the office all night like, you know, a month's season till I ready. It's a pretty nice job. I watched the office all night, you know. I'm on season two already. It's a pretty nice job. Ha ha ha. Now I should really mad at me

because I didn't know I'm the car daughter, let her mother out like, I said to her, I said, I'm sorry, but I just panicked and swam up to the surface. Hee hee. Hee hee. Hee hee. Hee hee. And watch blue, and swam up to the surface. What's blue? And smells like red paint.

Blue paint. One paint a bit of paint. Only one paint a bit of paint. One paint a bit of paint. Only one paint a bit of paint. There's only one beat there beat there beat there Oh, for you Bob, there we go. That was lovely, it's lovely here. Carol Beadesley sticking up for Peter there. No one else calls him the names then.

Exactly, there's a lot of love there. Stayed down. Is that it then Andy? Yeah, I reckon that's it. It's been lovely. Yeah thanks again past nippers. Thanks everyone. See ya.

Bye bye. Thank you.