Athletico Mince - Boiled Parsnips 13: Casper’s Vaccination

Episode Date: November 18, 2021

Mick’s furnace, dead hand cheese, Roy’s contract plans, bacteria, giant problems, and more. (Rec: 27/2/21) Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to a new episode of Athetical Partners with May 100. Dig if you will a picture of you and I engaged in a kiss? The sweat of your body, no sorry that's when Dubs cry by Prince. Sorry, I've done the wrong thing. Can I start again? Is that alright? The Acoustic. Okay.

Hello and welcome to any of the so-and-a-thetical pastives with me, Andrew Dawson. I hope you're all well and enjoying the upturned in Clement Weather. Imagine a scene not too far into the future as you arrive at your COVID-19 vaccination. You are nervous but excited that a lot of your ongoing worry will soon be lifted. You rush it into a side room, told to wait for the nurse and ask to remove your jacket and lift up your sleeve. After a few seconds, the door is kicked in and a short, stocky man barrels in with a marker pen in his sweaty hand. Welcome to Tato Club! He shouts, I can do you a bird or a dog or an anchor or a run out of the room before it can lurch towards you with his pen.

It is, of course, my co-host, Mr. Bob Mortimer. Oh no, it's Bobby. Where is Daddy? Oh, Bobby. Oh, Mr. Ratman. You're such a Twartman. Hello, good morning to you, Bob. Good morning. Are you alright?

Alright, I'm in vaccine yesterday. I saw that on the Instagram. Yeah, that's kind of what inspired me song. How did it go? It went fine. Where did you get it done? Was it down the shore? No, I could have added the shore. I thought I'd make out that I was just one of the ordinary people. A regular guy. Just a regular guy dropping a little on the way.

Drops into the coop on the way back. He just zoomed in there on your little segue contraption. Yeah. And when straight to the front of the queue. Come on, they'll get on with it. You'll be getting one stone, won't you? I hope so, because I'm mobedly obese, so obviously I've got the front of the queue. Well, that's why I was thinking, hey, I preempted you there. As always, I have been listening to Martin from Holmes under the hammer. So it is radio show where he visits the Holmes of famous football people. Okay. It'll be a good one this week, so I'll take it for you, so play it.

Please do, yeah. Bap, ba, ba, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da the home of Mr McAfee, the management of Cardiff Welish Football Club. Let's knock him up and have a look around his house. Oh is it? It's being martyred from home's unto the hammer. I am busted. Yeah, I don't think so, Mick. Can I come in? Do you promise not to act like a bastard, you're busted? Yes, I've got a very good idea. The exact opposite of a bastard. The exact opposite of a bastard is a double bastard. Everyone's a bastard and some are bastard bastards.

I'll presume you're the former. Come in. That knocking is that your door opening, Andrew. All right. I know it's that on the recording. Got it. Hello, Mick, a pleasure to meet you. Yeah.

Do you want to tell your end up to me, you bastard? I might catch your doors of bastardie. I doubt it, Mick. Now, we would appear to be in a very large open plan kitchen diner combined. With a massive furnace of some sort. I have to say, it's a bit unusual, but you know what? I like it. What's it all about, then, Bick? I caught me busted meat in a busted kitchen and in a busted stuff on her me busted,

darling, terrible. Just say I'm a busted one. What a busted other question. But what about the furnace? You have to agree that is a very very unusual and a very dreadful setting. What's that all about that McBacabee? You're right, Nosy Busted! So, you're right, Nosy Busted, aren't you? That's Ayam Mc, that's very much ab. I use the furnace to heat the room your big soft-cocked Busted. Next Busted Question. was the furnace to heat the Romeo big soft-cock bastard. Next bastard question.

I'm not as there's only one stoolier downstairs. I'm not a television. That's fairly unusual. Do I think I might actually cry like it? What? That all about they'd be quite happy. D-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h- That's a very different approach to interior electronics. What? Not all about that big quick happy. Yes. I don't watch TV. Why not? Because it's full of bastards talking busted nonsense to other bastards. Oh, I'm going to bust it, Clow. Do you fail me, you bastard?

You don't know me. That's a TV presenter. You don't know that now, don't you presenter you don't know that now don't you make? Oh you're a bastard. You're like the gallot of my bastard also. Oh sure, once you're like it give you a bastard arab rush and took your bastard flowy shirt in. Good bastard buy. That's the door slamming. Well that was the unusual herb and Mick McCarthy, boys and girls, a bit unusual, but you know what I liked it very much indeed.

He's here next time. I enjoyed that Andy. I enjoyed that a lot. I mean it makes a lead sense now that McArthur has got a furnace in his house. I mean it never occurred that we bought it's just common sense and of course he has. The what was I going to say is done very well for him so I think we should acknowledge that on this partially football in podcast. Yeah, I mean, of course, of course he has this a lot, certainly said for the fringes of the manager's lunch club,

the ones that don't continually get the sack, but they'll come in and they'll just turn a club right. Warner, Neil Warner, you know, he's got you in a better position than you were eight a month ago. Yeah, infinitely. I've got some questions for you, Bob. Are these on from me?

Glonin's or anyone else? They're just from me. They're just from me. All right, Hill. Bob, do you think there's anything more futile than mashing a solitary potato? Ooh. Ooh. Yeah, I think there is.

I'll qualify that and I'll say it's going to be quite a large potato. You're not going to, you're not going be quite a large potato, you're not gonna, you're not gonna mash a new potato, a solitary one. There's not enough there. But. I'm sorry, I can't be the most, the worst thing. I mean, mashing a solitary pea on a butter pea would be worse, wouldn't it?

To have mushy peas on the side is one pea. Yeah. Yeah. All right, all right, yeah, all right. All right fine. Good answer Another one here Do you have a preferred method to prize a piece of cheese from the called stiff hand of a corpse? Preferred I'll try I'm thinking I'll maybe I'd use a wooden spoon and the yeah, you think I'll be enough I'm thinking I've had someone has been dead for about 12 hours and rigging mortars has probably set in here. And what they got in there, sausage roll.

It's some cheese, just piece of cheese. But a cheese. I would try and poke it out with a rod and spoon, you know. Just poke it through with the end of all the spoon. Right. Yeah, I think so just to stop that. Yeah, I'd melt it out. I'm just a little bit strier. But somebody you'd melt it out. Well, the blowtorch is a lighter or something like that. Okay. Alright. Finally, can I count on you as a friend? Well, not probably not Andy, because I always let people down because I hate leaving me

out. Right. So you know, like, if you were about to jump off a cliff or something, I'm sorry Andy, if the cliff was in me back garden, yeah, no worries. Yeah, well, that was me, maybe then. Okay, all right, thanks. Okay. Hey, we've got Roy Occion joining us on the line now, Andy. Here he comes. Hello, Roy.

Hello, there. Good morning. Roy, yeah, you're contract at Crystal Palace, expires at the end of the season, are you worried about that? Ah, no! Oh, I know, I'm being worried! What use is a contract? Do you think the lizard bedside the contract with the old ones before they were pledged into the jungles of the lustry occurrence? I'm sorry, I know what you're on about.

I'm sorry I know what you're on about. Oh, it's obvious. Are we doing it for the undead, so the legally binding document with Neigash, the necromancer, after he created them using Dark Souls 3. Oh, this is War Mama, isn't it, right? Yes, yes, War Mama, of course it's bloody War Mama., whoever is the truth and the light, whoever, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, laughably called life. Much urban Steve Perish is they gush and I am the head dead. And what does that make Salas Park? Well it's just football grad, isn't it? Alright so no concerns about your future then right? Well future, what is future? Is something we've got no control of, isn't it?

Right for you my future, I'll move to Zurich and open a wall where my frame cafe with six foot by four foot tables for people who want to eat, drink and play wall over all day long. Sorry, where was that rub? Zurich! Zurich! You should sing! Zurich!

I'm Zurich! Zurich! Zurich! Okay, yeah, right, right, right, gotcha, yeah. Yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa, baby, I'll just stick around and sell Wilford's hardwastle 50 million quit. Oh, there's a third option. Oh, yeah, is that? Yeah, I'm off to ZOO-RIC!

I hope we will all have a cafe, but no, you got to, sorry, Steve Parrish still allows me to manage crystal palace for my distance from afar Whenever he needs a decision on football matters. He sends a bright off shape light into the sky Which I call the noise signal That's it sounds a bit like Batman's Bat single signal. No, it's different. This is a noise signal signal And what happens when he sends up the Rye signal signal? Signal! I'll see you in the night sky! It's Europe! It's Europe!

And it out-ringing! See what he wants! Wouldn't it be easier for him to just ring you in the first place? No! I've already put the fucking thing on top of the alpha watch stand! Oh, okay then. I think we've run out of time, er, Roy, sorry. Ooh, very well. Well, I'll tell you what, next time you want me to come on, just go down the cellar's park and activate the noise signal. Roy, well, oh Roy, that probably won't, to be honest. Oh, noise signal! Thank you Roy! Oh!

Yeah, see you right, bye! You seem chirpy, didn't you? Yeah, in a good mood, looking towards the future. In Zurich, look into the future in Zurich. Nice, very nice. I've been to Zurich, isn't it? It was a good. It's very clean.

Sturryle, it, it's very that it's very French is it but it's there's no Frenchman so that's quite a And it's silent lots of electric cars very still and serene here Leaks beautiful legs leaks on that beautiful leg. Yeah, I recommend it to anyone are you waiting again? Yeah, I'm sorry, I just bit it out. Put it in the bin, Mortimer. I've put it in the bin. Sorry, Paz. What is it? What are you eating? A fig roll. Dirty boy. Okay. Fine.

I'll tell you what, you know you reckon you can brainstorm. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm the brainstormer. Yeah. Yeah, you're the brainstormer. Well tell me, how can I eat and still do a satisfactory recording Brent storm me that Brain storm me that you to add. Oh, you can't you can't you can't so many people complain all right You could you what you could do is you could Take your fig grow mash it up in your palm very very tiny, and then just put it into the pouches of your cheeks

and just let it slow release, let it dissolve as you're podcasting. And nobody will be any of the wiser. I shall give it a go because I've already spout out what can be described as a bowl. Pfft! Now next to me, Chee. Gustin. Well, I've got you on the subject of food.

Yeah. How do you feel about the five-second rule? I don't know what it is. You don't know what it is. Oh, picking it up off the floor. Yeah, within five seconds, it's all right. Picking it up off the floor. They're wrecking.

I'm all right with the harder items. Yeah. If a bit of fish fell and splattered on the floor, wouldn't pick it up or rice pudding or something. So with a moist exterior, you wouldn't pick it up, but something with a hard exterior, you wouldn't. I don't think I would. I would yeah I dropped a bit of you know if I dropped a ginger not so I'm not as big as her cheese I'd pick it up well you shouldn't do because I saw a

report on the good morning everyone sure with Kim Marsh and gethen Jones I think it is yeah they did a report on it and zero seconds. As soon as it hits the floor, covering bacteria, death sentence. So the fight is going to be so undy and no disrespect to you. Please don't take this the wrong way. I imagine that your fungalow is a filthy shit hole literally carpeted with bacteria. Yet you're worried about a biscuit being on the floor for 0.5 of a second. I mean I'm looking round and you're not wrong but yeah I'm worried. Yeah I know that we all need a little bit of bacteria in our lives although it keeps us going. Yeah we do. Should

write a country in western song a little bit of bacteria to keep a little bit of bacteria to keep us all going. Steve McLaren, yeah. He had his vaccination the other day. Right. And of course, he mates at Infinity Rocket Plastics managed to hack into the CC TV at the vaccination centre. Good. And give me an MP5, I think it is, I mean. A bit of what I've heard. A bit of five.

Yeah. Alright. Okay, fair enough. Would you just give Badger a quick ring at Infinity Rockets plastic just to give him a thank you Andy. Of course I will. Hello, is that you Badger? The very sign of how and what can I did with you for? It's Andy from Athletico, passing it up here.

Just want to thank you for the Steve McLaren footage. Now from the Mow Doctor Dolson, I like to shine light. We're previously there with darkness. Think of me as the Bulb on the apex of Gandalf's staff. Right, well that was all really budget. Thank you, thanks again. Yeah, before you disappear of Marta I interest you in some ultra-high definition footage from East Grinstead, succulents and carnivalous plent societies like to stay GM. Nah, now you're all right budget, thanks. Hey, hold on Andy, what's so interesting about the footage? Well, they're absolutely tear into the urban street dancing scene. It's absolutely venomous and unrelenting.

They despise levels of spite that our heaven-wisnest, since our pasted those photos of Gregory Porter without his shin guard. That sounds quite fun, but I tell you what we should leave it Andy shouldn't we thanks thanks budger you're a lost Lord Bullocks farewell and fair to middling thanks for that Andy ringing him up right let's wear this McClaren MP5 shall we yeah it starts with Stephen Casper is snake sat on a bench outside the vaccination centre right Casper let's go through the plan again. Before we go in you crawl into my sleeve of my loose little bit long-sleeved light blue

leisure shirt and tuck your tail into my big woolen mitt and on my left hand. Casper shook his head and brings up a single little lump of spew. Don't be so upset Casper, look it's the only way that I can get you the vaccination. When I roll my sleeve up they will think that you are a tattooed arm and you'll get your injection. Casper brings up another little lump of spew. Look Casper, I know you are sad because it means that I won't get a vaccine but you have to be the priority. My life wouldn't be even worth living if you succumb to this terrible germ. You have to realise that you're my precious bundle of joy and terrific times.

You're my mobile cream horn with a happiness filling and a euphoria coating with playerfulness, beans on top. We've got to do this. Come on, let's sing our song to get our bravery, you cis-floyin'. And the singer's song. Come on Casper. Sing it together, let's get breath.

Inside, outside, up and around. Love set me up, and love let me down again. I feel like a weatherman. One day's sun, next day rain, and you ask me if I really care Don't you know the answer? Rainy day blues Never felt this way Come on Casper I want to stay with you For the rest of my life I want to stay with you For the rest of our lives. Well done Casper, do you feel better now?

Sorry I do. Come on Casper, get up Miss Leven, let's get this over and done with Casper crawled up his sleeve and Steve tucked his tail into his woolen mittens. So eventually Steve is sat on the chair with his sleeve rolled up. The nurse says, I want to treat her to two you've got there. Yes it's a beautiful kind and compassionate snake with so much love in every scale that it can make your heart burst open and explored into a candy floss cloud of pure joy. Oh, that's nice. No, just like sir, you'll hardly feel a fag. Well as soon as the needle is removed, Casper pops his head out through Steve's collar

and spews up on his lap, the nurse screams and cospers slithers across her table and makes his way out of the centre. Oh nurse, I'm so sorry about that, my tattoo must have reanimated, you know, like in Toy Story and took a turn towards the appalled. I will have a sharp word with the tattooist and tell him to use a less active ink. Steve rushed out in barriston back into his shoulder, moments later Casper crawled in through the passenger window. We take it Casper, we got you vaccinated. Soon we'll be able to go dancing together again and go shopping for anorax and comfy shoes. Just then, Steve felt a sharp pain in his arm. He looked down to see Casper with a vaccine syringent his mouth

and a big broad smile on his face. Did you steal that off their neck? It's terrible! Casper let out a cube of spew. Oh Casper, you really am a guardian angel. Now we are free to fall in love all over again. And they're both left so hard, it was as if every molecule in the vaccine was watching the latest live DVD from Russell Howard.

Then that's it, Andy. So, thank you to again to Badger for getting us that brilliant and a little bit of echoing from the song at the start of the episode as well, the vaccines and tattoos. Yeah great mind to think alike, I suppose. We've got some questions in from the past nippers. We haven't done one of the videos that we did for the last couple of months because we're going to try and improve on the videos. Is that right? Well, I'd like to do something more than just questions, Andy. Yeah, maybe we could do a bit of philosophy or read out our fair of things. Maybe look at some maps, perhaps. Well, I wouldn't mind looking your fridge. Not really.

Not really. Examine actually. But we'll keep some questions back for the next video that we do, because we'll enhance it and improve it. Here's some questions now. It is a good one that I enjoyed from B Walden. I think it might be Brian Walden. Yeah.

He used to present Waken World, I think it was. He says, I found a 1940s Metropolitan Water Board film under my bed and I'm scanning it in, I don't know what that means. Though a delightful art fact showing water and vans and shit, it is made of pre-1948 cellulose nitrate toxic and flammable film. My dilemma is, do I take it that the council when I'm done as recommended by the internet or do I set it on fire on the bloody beach. Now for me I'd like to say it burn on a beach. I'm happy for it burning on the beach but I'd like to film it burning. Do you not mean? Okay well I didn't understand any of it Andrew.

Did you not? I'm so sorry I don't mean to be rude. I'll condense it downenser down is found in all film by the Metropollet and Water Board. And he wants to burn it. Yeah. Yeah. Got that to understand that. Yes.

Right? And he's scanning it and he digitizing it, let's say, for YouTube or something like that. But the film is flammable and toxic. Right. Now, he should probably take it to the council when he's finished. So they can dispose of it safely.

But he wants to know whether he should just set fire to it on the beach. We should set fire to it on the beach or a cliff edge. Yeah, of course. That's what I'm saying. I'll be adding the rounder back of the shops. If he doesn't want to long a journey. That's everyone's preferable disposal method of anything in it. Set fire to it. Yeah. Yeah. The outdoors round the back of the sports all of some it I would. Yeah. Yeah. Right. okay, we'll see that. But that's not that's not legal advice, that's not legally binding

or anything. There can be no comeback if you get arrested, but that's just advice. Yeah, have you got any questions from the fastest person? Let's have a look. If fridges were never invented, says, who he says Ryan Ball, how would you most successfully keep your meats chilled? I've got to be honest with you Andy, I rarely put my meats in the fridge, I quite like them, lukewarm and sweaty, you know. Jesus. That's why I'm very fond of pocket meats, it keeps them at a quite like body temp meat, BTM. Yeah, but obviously pocket mates obviously pre-cooked isn't it and ready to eat? Yeah. It's not fresh meat.

No, it's not fresh meat. Well come on, you're the brainstormer, how would you do it? No fridge, how would you keep your meat? I would just acquire it as and when I needed it, I would pop down to the butchers like in the olden days and get some meat in for the tea and then have it ordinary fridge. Okay. So easy, easy question ask. Well I don't think you've had to answer the question Andrew, but all right, got on another one. Jules Young says, do either of you own a steam mop? I got one for Christmas and I find it much better than a regular mop and bucket. Have you got one? I did have one

we used it for about a week, you know, tried it. Well, I think it's, I don't know where it is, it was probably in the garage, might have been slung in a skit. So, if I were on the beach? I've even noticed, you buy these gadgets, yeah, from QWC, a bread maker, or a steam mug, yeah. One month later, they've joined the pile, haven't they? They've taken over your man cave in the corner. I don't know. There's some sort of routine about that. So the fact that I that I used it for a week and it's gone means I don't recommend it, I suppose. Yeah. Yeah. There's one even Kately Wheeler. This is a follow up actually from

last month. She says, how do I get giants to stop piddling on my fences? All right, as you remember she had squirrel grease in her fence and you recommend getting a giant into a to pittle on it. Yeah, that seems to have got out of hand, so any recommendations? Well, I should imagine though it's got rid of the squirrel grease, I mean that's what attracts them. Yeah. Yeah. Well well you can what one thing a giant stone like is peppermint oil yeah right I'm just saying so you could cover your fencing peppermint oil but the only problem is is peppermint oil okay it does attract water monkeys yeah and they they piss more or less continuously. So, you know, it's, you have opened up the kind of worms there. It's in the near, isn't it?

A watermelon, he is 86% pissed because that's what it is. So, you know, life's not perfect, is it? So there we go, Andy, that's past next. Do you reckon? Yeah, quickly before we go, I'm thinking of an animal's backside. Can you guess what it is? Please, give me that cube. UK, is it an animal I would see in the UK?

I don't know. You don't know? Another clue is, another clue is I'm not sure what it looks like. Err... Sorry, we've ran out of time, it was a cout. Err... I mean, that's a bird, it's a bird, an animal. Anyway, well, thank you. Cross a bird's an animal. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you for the ask, quiz. Thank you, past nippers. See you around. Goodbye.

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