Athletico Mince - Boiled Parsnips 14: Car Door Soup

Episode Date: December 17, 2021

Neil Hunt goes to war with a Christmas market, we get some festive WAVs and mp3s from some popular characters, and Dom returns with a Yuletide game. (Rec: 12/12/19) Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to a Christmas Athletico Pass Tips with me Bob Mortimer. I hope your Christmas tree is well balanced and your gift obligations have been successfully purchased. Imagine if you will you're a small-boy or girl creeping expectantly down the stairs in the early hours of Christmas morning. You see a crack of light under the door of the living room and can hear the rustle of presents being placed in the tree. For a moment you rest on the stairs scared to face the wonder that lies beyond that little and all. Then with great courage and excitement,

you proceed and slowly open the door. Your breath is taken away. Not only by the stench of beer, cheap chicken juices and tabs, but also by the sight of Santa's fat asses, he bends down and starts loading the presence into his massive sports direct laundry bag. Get back up, bed you little prick! And don't say a word, I'll have a dump under the tree!

It's my co-hosts! Mr Andrew Dawson, Been on the blue dream, Can't the blue dream smell like a bi-sake Oh Mr. Gryfftter, Mr. Gryfftter The kids give lift, uh Kids give lift, uh Been on the dipper, for the dipper

Stealing gifts for his nipper Ah, I love me There you are, so it was you That was a very nice, very festive and you'll tidy in all that. Do you resent them, I am. No, I couldn't go among these. Well, you're doing from time to time. I do, yeah.

It doesn't make me feel blue. No. No, wait, wait, we'll use the boys and girls now each other. I'm just, you know, this isn't very Christmasy where it starts things out, but to have in preparation for the, to this past next to today, I did what you call an number two. And the seat was up. Yeah. You know, so I had to pull it down.

Right. I thought you meant to set down when the seat. And it just remind that there has been research recently, mainly in Germany, that the most diseased area of a toilet seat is the front and the back. Yes. So every time you grab hold of that seat to pull it down, you're inviting to your own. You're inviting trouble. But we're always told you must put the seat up. So I'm just throwing that out there as a Christmas gift.

We're told we should put the seat up. I think so, yeah. I don't do that. I was put the seat down. Well, you've just been even before you have a way. No, yeah. I don't do that, I was put the seat down. Well, you've just been even before you ever went. No, afterwards. All right, well I've got, well, my first child was a girl, so I, you know, I'd have respect. My first child was a lady.

Yeah. Look, listen up. I've done, I've always finished with the toilet seat thing. Well, not because I've done a little Christmas songs. You know what's Christmas? I always do with the sun and say they. Well, not because I've done a little Christmas songs. You know what's Christmas? I always do with the sun and Christmas songs. Oh, right. Okay.

Oh, little town of Sunderland. How busy your little is with lots of pale skin blocks with tits in your car park having a piss. Oh, little town of Sunderland. How sweet your high street is with lots of dogs being pushed in crumbs by her birds high on whizz. So yeah not as much as the song at the beginning but get a quiz I just haven't got around to it yet it's a festive one you can have one about Santa Claus and I want to vote or you can have one about turkeys.

Turkeys. Turkeys. Turkeys. I call this one turkey or not a turkey. Or as I'll let the column Christmas hens. All right, yo. Yeah. So, do we get a Marley?

You can have one if you want. So, but how does this work? Am I right? Is it show off all of them? Yeah, I'm going to use some names and some of them are actual breeds of turkeys and some of them are not. So I need you to say turkey. If you think it's a turkey or not a turkey, if it's not a turkey, if you correct, I'll

say Malay! Right. If you're incorrect, I'll say free treaties. Ringo style. In style of Seringo style. So correct is Marlene. You've got to say turkey or not a turkey. Alright, here we go. Canadian 3i. Not a turkey. Marlene.

American bronze. Turkey. Marlene. There. The slate does. Turkey. Oh! Marlene. Coming up, just stop it there.

Let's do one more. Oh, man, I want to clean Shake on. Turkey, lurky. Not a turkey. Do it, do it, do it. Marline. Four out of four. Four out of four. The fifth one I've got there was English turkey, but you probably want to got that as well. I am Mr. Turkey, you know, instead of English turkey. English turkey, I said not a turkey. Oh, you've got that wrong. There

you go. There you go. Busted. Wife's done some Christmas questions for you. Oh that's nice. Andrew says the wife. Do you hang mistletoe on your knockers on Christmas Eve? Sort of strung between me two knockers, yeah. So you do? Not two bits of mistletoe, one long strand of mistletoe. So at that height, who are you looking to get a kiss from? Um, I forgot this fucking name, what's the fella called? What is he a little fella? Shall we call him Reese Westerne? Reese Westerne, yeah. Reese Westerne. For Christmas dinner, Andrew, do you arrange the chicken dippers into the shape of a turkey? No, I normally do them as a Christmas tree.

A Christmas tree? Well, I'd get some chicken dippers and I glue them together into a shape of a Christmas tree and then put it on the place. What, you gloom with lad? Look, ah, gloom. Gloom. Yeah. Standard gloom.

Andrew, what do you leave out for Sunderland Santa? Tabs and space readers? Hmm. What's that usually, I used to leave that dust out eating by Sunderducks. Render your dust, and you put it down and it glows and sparkles and all that. Well, I don't know if it's stupid enough, the kids is wondering, and that's the main deal. And that's the main deal.

And that's the main deal. And that's the main deal. And that's the main deal. And that's the main deal. And that's the main deal. And that's the main deal. And that's the main deal. And that's the main deal. I was still with as well for Santa. A cookie and a bit of whiskey. A cookie. What's a Sunland cookie? Sunland. It's just a cookie, man. Well, what's a cookie? Well, I have to say.

A cookie, Marylander of a pattern of Maryland cookies. I knew it. Cookie equals Maryland cookie. Yeah. Pack of six. What kind of cookie do you give him? Pack of six. 189 at BNM.

Yeah. And some whiskey. Oh, that's nice for Sanjay. And it wears you a9 at B&M. Yeah, and some whiskey. Oh, that's nice for Sandra, isn't it? Where's your whiskey? B&M. It's gonna be a B&M Christmas. Souls of B&M Christmas. Is that the end of the questions?

Well, she got one more. It's an interesting one. I think this is the interesting one, and do you see what you think? Do you cook all your frozen Christmas veg in the kettle? You know. Yes, yes, I do. It was a good idea. Yeah, a B&M kettle.

Yeah. Save the planet, no? Yeah. Yeah. Well, we're doing questions to show you a few from the, from the past, and it was that we've had sent in. All right. Did you receive these?

I sent you these earlier on. I'll just start. Yeah, I've got it. I'll launch it at the first one. Catherine Park Parkinson says, what in your opinion should be the national soup of the UK? Well, I reckon it probably is the hands tomato. It's the, it's the collette that correct.

Cream of tomato, cream of tomato. Yeah. But talking soup, Andrew, talking soup, I've always been very disappointed with the backstars range. It kind of holds itself out, it's been pretty posh, doesn't it? It's got that air of authenticity about it. Yeah, the packaging and everything.

I've never succumbed to it. I've always been a Heinzman. Have you never tried the backstars? I don't think I have. It's backstars the one where you've got to add water into it. No, that's Campbell's. That's Campbell's.

That's Campbell's, yeah. I don't know. Oh, Campbell's. What off Campbell's? Well, but I have a got a recommendation, you know what I'm like. I know what you're like. I know everything about that. And the nor, the Swedish nor, peyenne ham soup, is speck tack here.

Is that tinned? It's a tin soup. Is it? You do have to add water to it. No, fuck that. You can't add water. I've got the time. I just want to get it out the tin into the micro-winter.

It's called Soul just to identify it. It's written in Swedish, but it's something like, you can see the word Soul, it's Soul just soup. Soul just soup. You see the word like Solject, something. Right. And you see a word that's very like Sven Goranericson. Right. Where do you buy this from? In conventional UK stores.

Yeah, I mean, a Euro-Importer. No, me wife gets it in the shopping. Oh, sure. Yeah. From a cardor. From a cardor. Felt a solid, a bottle of a card. So it's Pianham and it's Noor. It's Noor P and Ham, yeah. Right, okay.

But with the Swedish layer. I'll try to try that. That's amazing. Yeah. All right. Well, there you are, Katherine Park. It's a natural soup with the UK. A Swedish soup.

John Kelly, you're always the best dancer the two of you out of the two of you. It's me. Which dance do you specifically excel at? It's me. You regret it. You're an amazing knacker, isn't it? I excel at you. You're one hell of a dancer. I've got what I like to call the

the slow, rautic and groove that I do. And I get down, you sent me a gravity drops right on the floor. And I just kind of like move around like a crab. No, a crab. But like in a circle. In a circle? Of course the crabs are sideways, but. Yeah, but this is like a crab, but circular. Yeah. And there's some howling as well. But you don't have to have howling because it's a dancer.

There's those. The dancers should be mute, really. There's those that say that when you're not looking the crab walks forward. Do you know what I mean? They are those. We're never, we're never. My favourite dancer is the crab, sideways move. Does it pincer us out to the side?

Are you familiar with the dance, the slosh? No, I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. My favourite dance is the crab, sideways move. It depends us out to the side. Are you familiar with the dance, the slosh? No, I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it. I used to be a big part. He's a family part. He's when I was a kid. You step to the left and then there's a clap. I think you step forward and then there's another clap.

It's a very rhythmical. It's really good for pissed people. The dance took us quite easy. All right, easy. Yeah. Millie Newton asks a question about the slug. Did you all have a dress that one? I'm not really.

Yeah, yeah, go on. Would you take 10 million in exchange for an invincible snail chasing you for the rest of your life? Invincible snail touches you die. What happens when you sleep? Where does the snail go? Does the snail remain?

Look, I don't have any more fuckingin info that I've read it out. You know, when I'm asleep, the snail's gonna catch us isn't I'm gonna die. Oh yeah, you couldn't develop a stale suit that you could sleep with. I could do with a 10 million. Yeah, sleep sleepin' like a stale cage. Yeah. Snail proof. Yeah, I'll take that. You'll take it. Fucking invincible snail. One mug.

Well, you wouldn't. Well, you won't. Well, what are you doing? Well, you'll take it. You're supposed to be mad like 10 million. You could buy a Ford Fiesta. You're going to have to steal kill for that? For at least a billion? Can Jonathan Tate says, can you ask Matt Lawrence and to rank the 10 best Christmas gifts he's ever received? Yeah, but not on this episode.

Oh right, you'll have to do it the next mids. Andy, how many times have you ever visit the burger van at the Sunland B&M? Oh, here we go again, B&M, who said this? Ryan, Don. Ryan, Don. I don't go to the B&M burger van at Sunland, I've got the B&M Q1 because B&M Q have got very high standards on tool

of who they're let go in their car park with the burger van. Oh, there's like pre-testing. Oh yeah, call it the control is everything at B&M Q,'s useful to know. This isn't it. I mean I would say I'd be an M. There's one, there's a van, but there's a coaster. Right. Right next to it so you know I generally go a coaster. Okay. I tell you what I've got Andrew. What you got? I asked some of our guests, you know, that come on during the year to tell me what they were hoping to get for Christmas. Okay. So they've sent me, I won't do for everyone. It goes WAV MP3,

WAV MP3. Okay. My bright, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. First ones, the car. They saw a press play. Yeah on the wav here, okay Christmas pleasant you have no laugh Christmas is for bastards such as a busted the rain days to bustids and the biggest busters are the Christmas adverts Thoughts up my actual bastards to come come dosy bastards into partying with the bastard servants I tell you what I would like a hotlet says bastards on it a job that says shut your mouth you bastard and a pair of slipper socks with a steel toe cap so I can kick out and bastardsusting on Christmas Busting Day! So, Mick?

That's what he wants. Thank you, Mick. Peter Bates. Oh, great there. Do you want the music for Peter or not? No, it's how you just sent us a little walk. Okay. All right, Bob.

That is a very interesting question. I'm just at the moment in the spare room, reading an Argosogue that the wife said that would borrow for 10 minutes, like you know, the pick something out and order it for myself, £20 maximum, she said like, you know, I'm bad really. Say things, I've caught my eyes right, you know, firstly a small pair of binoculars that would be very useful to help me stare at more things that are further away from my eyes for example a styling on telegrapal discarded yorky wrapper on the playing field by the what the board offices I might even

you know think about it I might even be able to read the writing on the menu bar outside the dry-thru costet. Hmm. Second, I do like the look of the salt abroad multi-egg fire and portrait range content, claims to produce the perfect fire or portrait eggts egg in a bust non stick situation. So it says the putts will be circular and non-robbery and will satisfy even the most vocal of wives like you know and that sounds like well I know he's really only problem is it's 20 pound 99 you know strictly speaking above the wife's budget like you know Certainly I'm very taken by the black long line shower-resistant puffer jacket that comes in her bag like

I'm very taken by because I reckon this puffer puffer in a bag could fit inside the Internal pocket of me puffer puffer jacket Meaning that I would have a puffer puffer inside a puffer puffer so it would be like a puffer puffer puffer puffer guy you know that would make me very at least so I think that is what I'll go for I'll see you Bob. That was lovely. Yeah. Mrs. Badesley. Oh, she's learned her independence. Yeah, I'll bring it away.

She's an amazing person. That's fucking easy. I would like a gift card for a visit to the sunny farm, Fog and battery hen, Fog and battery hen factory in Moorbath. What a fucking jail that would be. And by the way, if Peter doesn't buy that solder egg flyer and porch it for himself, I will lump him so fucking ad! He lends up that brown defense of the fucking Gerido's factory and Peter, forgently, Mary forgun Christmas. So, but Andy, I got that message. Right.

I've got a follow up message from Peter. Oh, blind me. Oh, Bob, I think I fucked up. Pfft. Pfft. Dog, dude. Pfft. I'm sorry, I've got quite a few of these, Andy.

Oh, that's all right. John, you're a selfie. John, you're all right. John J. Selvi. Okay. John J. Selvi. Hello. They're in greetings from the crypt. Christmas is means nothing to me. I worship the animal darts and the darkness that lies

inside the soul of Nigel Pearson. If you were to push me, I would like a nice, pith go headlamp for me, basically. Thank you very much. Oh, and also maybe a nice new clump for my heavy cape. The last one snapped when I had a scrap with an old station in Luton. Any design but preferably featuring an antel and a fuel bump. Rose, four siphons. Wav?

From beyond the grip. He's beyond the, yeah, do do do do. A Christmas gift for me to you. Yeah, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, do do. A vacuum flash with a cap of tape for on the go. Thank you, good night. Michael Lowe, when it's the last one. Okay.

You have asked me what I would like for Christmas. My answer is that I would like a missile for my helicopter that has a destructive power of Mother Nature. I would use the missile to rid the world of ants. Thank you Michael. Oh, thanks for giving that a lot of thought, isn't it? That's not just swimming off the cuff. That's something that's been eaten away. is it is very sore for a long time Good afternoon I was doing it Welcome in log 2. Who's that Christmas prick? Is it dumb?

Who's that Christmas prick? Is it Tom? Hey, don't eat it all day! I don't! Did you know I had a bit worse than you I was? I couldn't, I didn't know. You have a bit of a biscuit there or something? I am sorry. Well, I wouldn't eat the juxtapose anyway, but I'm even like real crack on.

Welcome, welcome. It's the very special Christmas edition of the Margaim show. Who's the prick? It's the Christmas prick. Now then, I'm joined today by the Faded TV star, Boobauma, who likes to come and look at playing these guys with me. And also I've got my psychic with me. Not over there.

Jack Swash, say it loud, Joe. Joe Smash. You know what I mean? Joe. All right. Well, Booba, here we go. Bro, I'm going to give you three names. Okay.

All right. One of them is a Christmas prick. Okay. They have a two. They all right. They all right. Okay, the odd job is to tell me which one of the best Christmas prick.

Here we go. Four names. Number one. Charlie Lawson. Okay. Number two. David Richards and Number three Danny Florence

You know which one he is Debbie Florence that now is David Richards or Danny Floor and stop thank you Danny Florence He lost both his legs a hand and most of his fingers when he was a kid but this Christmas he's getting a bionic hand. All right daddy Florence is not pretty so because he's very far from it uh the quick I'll get Jax was to tell us Jow who was the prick Jax smash oh fuck you know Jow off we've been thrown this before oh do it the prick. James Mars, oh fuck you know, we've been thrown this before. Oh do it, the prick was Charlie Lose. He murdered his wife and six of their children in North Carolina on Christmas Day, now he's 29.

What a real prick. Christmas prick. Yeah, Christmas prick. David Richards, he's a dairy farmer from Worcestershire. He was up at 5 a.m. on Christmas Day last year. We're looking for 300 cars. Ooh, Christmas E-roll. Christmas E-roll and Danny Flourds, obviously a Christmas E-roll.

Looking forward to getting his new end. You've lost, unfortunately. So that means that you are, ultimately, the prick. Pick of Christmas. There we are. Thank you very much for joining. Thank you, Tom. Robbomber. That's a nice Faladom, really, any, you know.

I love him. Did you see that series you did recently on the mornings of Peeb and say one? No, what about him? He was in America and he was gone around with the emergency services in America. And he's gone around with like ambialinsus and stuff. And he was just, it was just stunned by some of the events

eternal part, but he was trying his best to help. It was really nice. Yeah. I think he's probably a very sweet fella only little lad oh a little funnier yeah five-turned-way I wonder if he'd if we're not get kiss off him under the missus you might be the perfect be knockers yeah might be the perfect victim should I say hey let's have a crown files Andy I mean why not nice time to have a crown files in it? It's not a nice time to have a crown files.

Crime Files! The traditional German Christmas market is becoming a regular feature of the festive celebrations in many Christmas towns. The Barkeshire Village of Thachum was no exception and the Christmas market of 2018 was the biggest and most ambitious yet. It was also to be their last. One of the storeholders that year was Nonsense Potter, Neil Hunt. He had fired a number of Nonsense baubles and table decorations with unusual Christmas themes. The public showed initial interest in his display but soon drifted

away without making purchases. I just don't understand. What is it with these Todd warriors? Do they not appreciate the artistry of my pieces for Christ's sake? Some of them could be collectors' items in years to come. Neil walked round to the front of a stall to evaluate his display. He was immediately conscious of the deep savoury, slightly briny steam drifting across the front of a stall to evaluate his display. He was immediately conscious of the deep savoury, slightly briny steam drifting across the front of his display from the adjoining German sausage stall. That's it! he thought. The totals don't state a look at my display because of the meat

steam filling their lungs. He walked over to the adjoining stall. Hey you Fritz! Can I have a word please? My name is not Fritz, it's Lucas. How can I help you? I'm a little bit concerned that this measume being created by your boiling meat is causing discomfort to my potential purchases. Can you do something about it? When a sausage is boiled, you get steam. I cannot control the winser. Of course, I'm not a fucking moron. I have a steam iron at home and I'm perfectly aware of the effect a draft has on it.

But it seems to me you're boiling the living shit out of the sausages. Could they not be put onto a lower flame? No, sir. I've used this technique for many years. Any variants may alter their unique flavour? Well, what a bunch of fan! A small electric fan to blow the shitty steam in a different direction! I have no spare sockets, I'm using them all up for my bon warmer, my ex-mus lights, my fridge and my hot water heater. Yes, alright. Alright, that is little energy pit, aren't you? And surprise there's any electric left for anyone else.

Er, that's not how it works, so there is an almost infinite supply provided by the National Grid. Oh, I get it. Mr. Fucking sausage man with his hot fucking buns and his toxic fucking steam has got an attitude. Well, you won't feel so clever when I report you to the market so pretendant for your steamy fucking nuisance. Neil called over the market boss. How can I help you, Mr Potter? What's your name, tell me your name. Stuart Upton.

Well, Stuart Upton, this stall holder here, who claims to be called Lucas and not Fritz, by the way, is creating a cloud of savoury steam in front of my stall that's putting off my customers. What are you going to do about it, Stuart Upton? Go on, Stuart Upton. Tell me what you're actually going to fucking do! Oh, there's bound to be steam Mr Potter he's boiling up sausages you can't expect him to control the direction of the wind yes I know that but does it have to be so dense and unpleasant could you cover the potter occasionally turn it off so my customers can actually fucking see what I'm selling!

Oh, what's your luggage, sir? Every stirl holder here is under an obligation to have a behavioural polite and appropriate manner. And you think it's appropriate to generate a fucking cloud of hot savoury German fucking steam in front of an adjacent store. Do you? Do you think that's appropriate? He has a license to cook and prepare hot food, and that is all he's doing. And what about me? Don't I have the right to sell my goods without infected customers with evaporated fucking pork? That's quite enough of the swearing.

Say, you do that again, and I will draw your market permit with immediate effect. Oh, you will, will you? but you'll allow Casey fucking Jones here to puff out his shit mist with impunity! Right, that's it, I'm closing you down. You can fucking try Stuart Upton, I'm Neil Hunt Johnson's Potter, not some transient meat peddler like Ruckin Brits here! At this point Stuart tried to grab Neil but he dodged his grip and ran behind the counter, grabbing Lucas and forcing his hand hard down on the on the bon warmer. Take that you fucking peddler of Todd!

Tell Stuart up to the back off! Telling my brother owns a sword shop and my neighbour's two door down has a functioning Johnny fucking seven multi gun. I won't say that to Stuart Optin, I respect him too much. You fucking sap! You pathetic, simple prick! Just you fucking watch this! Neil took hold of the handles either side of the sausage boiling pot.

And dumped the liquid onto the floor. I'm Neil fucking hunt! I fear no liquid, not on this earth or anywhere else. As the liquid hit the floor, it immediately shorted the extension lead and cut the electricity to the whole of the market. Neil was grabbed by two community policemen and dragged away from the market to a wall outside a shop that sold leather goods. Get off me, get the fuck off me! You're not even proper cops! This market isn't even proper fucking Germany and half the leather goods on display here are no more than 50% real leather. The world has turned to Todd and you can't even fucking see it!

As Neil was placed in the back of the police van, he had one last parting shot to aim at the market bus at the market bus. And as for you, Stuart Upton, you're on my fucking list! All you have to do was turn down the fucking steam! You fucked with Neil Holt and he will destroy you! So that was a Christmas, Christmas market, especially. I don't think anything is as you know brought about the spirit of Christmas as much as they learned at the Christmas German market.

That's just Christmas in a fucking nice way for me. That's the German Christmas mark. La la la la la la la la. So we have a few more questions from the past numbers. Jack Marshall says that either of you use a snooze alarm. I do and it in a noise me. Yeah, I occasionally do, but I don't mean to. You know, I'd like something. I'd like to pay a 10 million quid,

maybe, to the snail people, to give me some kind of steel suit that will whip me up first thing and just add to get up. Yeah. I struggle to come round. It's that different. I'm on a deferred in your work in times.

I know. Fucking, labyrinth. Labyrinth. I have hellish labyrinth in it. The question is really annoyed me. John Paul Jones, has you seen me case? I have, yeah, I've seen his case. I haven't seen his case.

There we are, mixed and washed away. Dry and cane, and after a part time job after Christmas, and was wondering if that Guru will be taking on extra staff after the sales. Got a wav in on that one, yeah. Oh, nice. I will be spending the post Christmas period hopefully you'll land outside there to retail outlets, counselling people who have had their returned goods rejected. Hope with them, help with them to move on and to grow.

Brian, you are very very welcome to join me but there will be the repayment, it will be about personal growth only. And we are so, this is true. All right. He's helping people with text stuff but I like them and I'm saying that. I've booked it, the girl who's been around the house twice.

Right. He's done, and I really think it's helped. He took a lot of me electrical stuff. Right, yeah. Because he reckons there's a bad vibe. You get an eye, it's something. Or isn't it, yeah. And like, he's probably a wi-fi stuff as well.

He took much of that. Um, because all of that's similar. Oh, it took me, well, I'll be perfectly honest with you what he did was, he's, um, took the main fuse out of me electric. Right. Um, so I don't go, but I, you know, it's nice, me and the wife sat around the candle. I've done this book piece. Yeah, it's really peaceful because they go through and there's a shed, you know.

I think it's what they call mindfulness, isn't it? Yeah. What was his shit? I think it's what they call mindfulness, isn't it? Yeah. So Andrew, I was listening to the latest Martin from Horned under the hammer. Oh yeah. You know, on the radio where he looks around the house

of famous football and people. Yeah. Now, this was a good one this week because he was Nigel Pearson's house, you know, new vehicle manager. So I downloaded it, converted it into a wow good would you like to hear it podcast quality standard yeah wow thank you here it goes press play ma ma ma ma ma ma matin do do do ma ma ma ma ma matin ma matin

so as always it starts off with the matting knocking on the door Tententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententententent Do you want to have a fight? Is that what you mean? It sounds from what you're saying that you mean that you want to lose a fight Come on then. Let's do it. I've never lost the fight. I don't want to fight anyone or anything What are you talking about fighting for then come on strip off? Let's have a bear knuckle on the patio Look, I think the might have been some cross lines here on the patio. Look, I think the might have been some crossed lines here. It was all agreed with my producer, the lovely and might-wise fame, multi-fingered gathering. It's you that's crossed a line here mate, turning up on my doorstep, looking like you slept on a bed of nettles last night. Come on, make a move, I dare you. Well, I must say this is a very unusual approach to a talk and walk interview.

A little bit different, but I like it. So this must be your front door. The threshold to the property, if you like. I see the door knocker is a replica lead cosh. And the half-clothing is decorated with images of apes teeth unusual but I like it. What's it all about Nigel? It's a warning when I fight a bite but isn't bite-fighting something that only babies do.

Quite right, I am a baby. You got some sort of problem with that. What? You're a natural baby but you're massive. Surely that can't be true. All right, I'm a toddler. Happy now Oh, I get it. Listen Nigel. I'm a new boy just moved into the area Would you like to show me your toys then maybe come over to my house and have a go on me hot wheels crocodile canyon. Oh yeah, that will be Ace. Come on, let's go into my play room. Thanks Nigel, what a lovely play room this is probably must be very clever and bright.

Describe it to me. Well, I've got a sandpit, got a skull extract, got a 105 piece Thomas Tank engine set, got a Star Wars lava lamp, a book about monsters, a book about rockets, and a book about how lemons are grown. Lemon growing, that's a bit unusual, a bit different, but alike it, it just goes to show what an interesting young lad you are. Why is there an angle grinder in the room? That is unusual. I use it to chop the heads off action figures when they start talking back at me. I'm the boss in here and I hate backchat. Hold on. Won't we meant to be having a fight? No, that must be someone else. I'm a nice man from the International Good Boy Association

and I'm here to give you a sticker that says, Certified Best Fighter in the UK. Oh wow, at last. Now I've left me sticker in the car so I'll just pop out and get it. Why don't you put on your Mr Kipling Cake pajamas and in the meantime I wish you the very best of luck. We'll do. God, I can't believe it. An actual sticker. So that was an all-too-breath visit to Nigel Piersen's lovely home. And then yours you were five minutes very different I think, due to the levels of violence on offer, but do you know what? I liked it. Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac, This was past the Christmas past nips, very appropriate. Hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for indulging us. Thanks for your support during the year.

Thanks brilliant. Have a very merry Christmas and a happy new year, and we'll be back with more very soon. See ya. Bye bye. Thank you.