Athletico Mince - Boiled Parsnips 17: Sting’s Missing Vest

Episode Date: March 15, 2022

Lockdown poetry, Ron Craggs’ camper van, Geordie Heat, Roy plans his future, the podcast becomes fully vaxxed, and we rate your unidents. (Rec: 31/5/21) Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to the latest episode of Electrical Pass Nips with me, Andrew Dawson. Imagine yourself finally being allowed a deer pass to the show-beast centre, a long-held dream finally realised. You go along in your smartest clothes, order a cup of tea and take a seat near the Billiards table. To your left, you see Lenny Henry, to your right, match from Nearvers. You feel as though you've finally arrived in the world of showbiz. Unsuddenly, a familiar figure barrels in, drunk, and enjoying raucous laughter with Sid Little and Judy Finnegan. You're in me chair, you fat little naut! I got provoked by it because I've got me hunkered, drunkered of course my co-host Mr. Bob Mortimer and that's coming a little bit short nevermind

I'll miss the bubble gum with your face like a dog's bum you're a living nightmare and you've God shite hair Oh Oh there we go Hello, Bob Hey, shite hair

That's shite hair Yeah Shite hair, it is actually, isn't it really? I've just wondered whether it's even fair to call it hair, you know I don't think it's just a kind of a whisper of now, isn't it? It's just dusted across It's a whisper now It's on top of your head. I don't know.

The shitty detail. It's quite brief, I think, and bald that you're kind of clinging onto it. Maybe a palmit, is it a palmit? I don't even think it's that. It's, I don't know. No, even that. A lot of pop stars and rock stars, let's say,'ve advanced in ages Whenever you say the most stage wearing a hat you just know Ball is a coat You know, it's just it's just a signal and maybe if you're a pop star Then that's what you'd be doing as well, but no you've chosen to be in the hat chosen to you know continue with what it is you've got you've got there and I look good in a hat. Do you? Everybody says what kind of hard when I stride it, I forgot to say it in the sense,

but it's because I'm a sense, for this man, I'm just, it's a barrage. Nice hat. Oh look, the fella looks good in that hat. Well, like a tricon. And he's wearing that hat, well, wherever hat I wear, Andy, honestly, I'm not.

Yeah. The gentleman and ladies at home won't be able to see your t-shirt, but it's a kind of's dress. What you mean? Well, it's off white, but it was previously obviously white at one point. Yeah. It's creased up. Yeah.

It's outlining your titties. Yeah, well, I'm not going to be doing anything. You know what I mean? You look like a mental patient, honestly. Well, I'm not going anywhere. It's a bagel in the mud, dude. I'm just going to be sitting in the garden, my babies. You know I have a bit of self respect. I mean, your t-shirt, I'm looking at your t-shirt.

What does it say there? I'm the maths moose. And he's got a moose on it. And he's all the decalculator. And there's a lot of numbers flying around his head. And he you like it is it horns that mooses have got on their head horns tusks no it's not tusks all the cold because they're more elaborate than horns aren't they don't know let's call them horns

but it that's the details yeah well anyway that's what you like those videos that you occasionally see on wildlife where moose or walrus is a really fighting and it all gets a bit bloody. Yeah, when they fight it when they fight with them horns No, I find it unsettling. I don't like it. I wish they wouldn't do it But they have to do it because it's the law of the jungle in it. They've got a established Who's in charge Priority mm-hmm. Well, I think I've established priority between us today by not wearing that fucking t-shirt like you fine. Whatever John Cooper lockdown He's sent me one of his what does he call them?

Paul vignettes Don't know vignette or whatever so we should play it given that he's bothered Here we go. I'm sat in my garden surrounded by weeds, a black bag of dogdo in one of the trees. I'm trying to roll up a cigarette, but my fingers are greasy from me, Greg's breakfast baguette.

I take a swig from a Polish beer. I wish that dog that dogdo would disappear, I grab a pole off the washing line and poke at the bag a couple of times. I've nearly dislodged it when the bottom falls out and spills its content, summing to me mouth. I cough and splutter and fall to the ground, grab my fall and larger and get it downed. I'm locked down, Gary, how do you do? I once had a wife but we broke up last June. That's locked down. That's quite depressing. Andrew Slaughter's the restaurant opened up to serve food outside in the backyard on the concreated area in front of Ron Craig's camp of Ange. Not getting many customers in yet

because of worries about cross-contaminations, you know, between Ron's meat bins and the restaurant kitchen. So for the time being, Ron is doing the cooking in his camp of hand kitchen. I went second day it was open as I was in there skulking at the back but Adrian was in there Adrian Lewis the darts player and Martin from homes under the hammer sharing a table so I listened and let's do what happened. The wet reproached them and off we go. Good afternoon, you meteors. Today is a set menu only, designed by the Magnificent Rudd Crags and cooked and is methane-powered campused earth. Oh, fork, fork, fork, fork.

I cannot wait. It's been so long since I nourished myself at Cragg's East Managerie. All me piss-pipe is pulsing like a trumpet a zeal. Oh, yes. Cockhead with me, Finn. Says Martin. I think it's unusual, but I'm sure I'm going to like it. Now, this is that menu. What's it all about then? Come and tell me what's Now, this is that menu. What's it all about then?

Come and tell me what's all about. The said menu. What's it actually all about? Is this your father, Mr. Lewis? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. He's marting through mums under the hammer. Ugh, is it now? As if I had given actual flying fork.

So your starter run a shallow friday pint of maggots and top them with a sauce made from his personal cheeses. Oh fuck, what that has got me popping. Sounds a little bit unusual. Fuck off. For your main course run a serving wind-dried tickey-tockey-cloths for the side dish of halibut noses. Oh, oh, how does he dry the tiki-toki clots? On the washing line in the camper van crazy. Fuck off. No, you fuck off, sir. Finally for pudding, we have rice.

A big bowl of fucking rice. Oh, fuckingaw sounds delicious. Come on, let's get going. I don't like this place. Very much indeed. Could I ask where to? Where's the little miseroo? Where's the located so I can know from my convenience?

A toilet will be available shortly, sir, in Mr. Cracks' campavan after he has removed the methane stove from the part. Well, at this point Andy, I left because I just honestly didn't want to go inside Cracks he's campavan. I'd rather it was just like left as a wonderful mystery, you know. Yeah, understandable. Do you like a quiz Andy? Yeah, go on.

Okay, I think you, it's a good one. Give it a quiz? Andy? Yeah, go on. Okay. I think you it's a good one Give it a bit of thought see if you can crack it. Yeah, all right. It's called Boeing pop Trifle you're already liking it. I imagine P-nuts Pop thwack rice. Oh Yeah swac rice oh yeah tinkle pop don't a clag give me just a little more time time time time so pricing most expensive to chaper's to vice versa and here are your items and here are your items. I'm a aster by the way Andy.

Aster, two pack raspberry trifles. One tin, I'm rosier rice. Two aster fresh cream chocolate eclairs. Come on Andy, I'm going to find it. That's tough. It's tough. The trifles, I'm going to find that tough It is tough the trifles I guess they're kind of individual portions. I think like small yeah, too Too much standard yoghurt sad as trifles. Yeah, so two trifles two clears and Ambrosia cream rice. Oh man. This is tough

I'm gonna say The Ambrosia cream rice is the cheapest. The most expensive is gonna be the eclairs and that means the trifles are in the middle. Oh well you got one right Andy. The Ambrosia Rice is the cheapest at 75p. Then the Eclares at 79p. And then, and it is surprising, Andy. And I didn't do it to catch you out. But the two Rustby Triples are 90p. Really?

And then the one I'd like, at least. I'm surprised that the Eclares, but his shape was the art, to be honest. I think that's a bargain. I mean, half of those trifles is just air in it, that sort of white fluffy creamy air stuff. Well, there you go. Well, yeah, I tried and once again, I feel miserably so all I can do is just try to move on. I've had, it's time for you to update your memory month credentials again. Oh right here. It's slightly different than usual.

This is a request that's coming from WAM, which is the World Association of Memory Men. So this is global. Oh, I know. I'm a bit scared of WAM actually. Yeah, this is a global question that you need answer, but here we go. Can you remember memory month?

Can you remember the name of the third choice, USS R. Gullkeeper, at the 1982 World Cup finals. 82, that Spain I think. Yep. I'm not going to give you the clue, sorry, I've made one there. Third choice. Yes, yes I can, Andy, I can, yeah. Man, holy man! Fantastic! Yeah.

Well done, I was a bit nervous there, I didn't think you were going to pull it off. Me too. When one more on your back, I'm glad you got that all the way out of here. The tension, don't I, I'll submit that a while and that's your credentials. Thank you. Updated now for six months I think. We've got some questions that have come in from the past, as usual. You've actually got some unit dents to read that they've sent in. I've got a couple of them. Chris Gurl says, unit dents are not unit dents. I opened my cupboard and a whisper bar fell out

into a little tub I have in the kitchen. I was not aware the whisper was in the cupboard and I live alone. Is that a you need dent, do you think? Hmm, it's certainly, I mean, it's an incident. It's an incident, so. It's a mysterious incident, I think. I tell you what's nice, Andy, is it like,

when you, he was unaware, he had his whisper and finding a forgotten trait. You know, like that you didn't, is a real gift from heaven almost, didn't he? You know, like, it might be a toffee crisp. It feels like, yeah, a gift from the gods almost. I'd like to know more about his little tub that he has in the kitchen. Yes, is it on the floor, do you think? I don't know. I think the little tub's maybe on the bench or something like that, but

I wanted one more, but the little tub. Yeah, what was the tub used for? Yeah, I mean, I think if the tub had a lid on, but the whispers somehow got in it, you'd have a unident but I can't give it, can you? I can't give it, I'm sorry, the threshold's very high to be fair, but I'm not giving that one. Here's a one from Rick Danger, which in itself is possibly a unit and named like Rick Danger. He says, I was welcome with my sister in the woods morning about England and how shite it is. We get to a short brick wall and she decides to walk along it.

As we're trash talking our country, she slips and wax her thigh off the corner of the wall. The next day she showed me her leg to reveal a large black bruise almost perfectly in the shape of England. Thoughts? And they all grant it an excellent and unusual incident. Well done to his life. I'm going to give that one as well. It was his sister brought. Yeah, I'm giving it. It is another one. Mike, a route-ledged possible unit, then he says, as a child, I was walking home from my friends because the power had gone off. In my head, I wished I had the power to control

electromagnetic energy and was trying to restore the power by closing my eyes tightly and imagining the power returning. First time I did it, the power came back on the street lights. Am I an X-man now? I don't know what that means. And then he says, for reference, I was 11. Do you give that to you in a dental? Andrew, it's a lovely memory,

but all I think that is is what would normally be called a coincidence. Yeah. Yeah. Don't you think? Yeah. I'm gonna give it to you. It was a nice thought. Yeah. Yeah. Don't you think? Yeah. I'm going to give it to you. It was one I saw.

I'm going to give it to you. It was the first time that he did it. If he's lying and he tried it a few times, then more shame on him. But I've got to give that. But. Woo-hoo-hoo. That's unexpected, but good for you.

There was one from Andy Dragassis. The other day I came across a single langoustine on the pavement with a single curl dog dirt balanced carefully on top of the langoustine. It was so deliberate, you know, like it had been placed on top, this a unit and it was majestic and beautiful and I have a photo to prove. My instant reaction Andrew is to say if the langoustine had been on top of the dog dirt, I think I'm out of giving it. Yeah. How would I have got there though? Do you think someone would have positioned it on top of the dog dirt. Yeah. Yeah. So what we've got here, I'm thinking maybe the dog was doing its dirt, yeah. And as it snapped off the last bit,

a langoustane popped out as well. You see what I mean? That's unusual. So it's pooped out the langoustane, do you think? Yeah, but you know, unfettered by any dog dirt, you know what I mean? I think we're getting a bit too detailed about dog dirt, but I like it. I like reading the word langoustweed. Whatever the circumstances are, how it happened isn't really relevant, but I think that the fact that it's there,

I would, yeah, I'd give that a unit and yeah, definitely. Seafood and shit, you know, that's unusual. Yeah. Unless you're eating it, um, rock a park, you know what I mean? Very good. Um. It's hockey season and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get a nice drink on Uber Eats. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain ol' ice? Yes, we deliver those.

Gold tenders no, but chicken tenders yes, because those are groceries and we deliver those too. Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See out for details.

Oh Andy, we've got, uh, our lovely, we've got Roy Hodgson joining us on the line now and hello Roy Hello yes I can hear you can you hear me Yes right yeah we can hear you fine thanks for coming on how you feeling just what a few days after leaving Crystal Palace oh I'm not gonna lie it's it hit me very hard. Well, one day it's pretty empty now. I'll get out of bed late. I just wander around the house searching for some kind of meaning. Oh, right, I'm sorry, really sorry to hear that. Well, wife says, I should maybe go and see some kind of counselor.

Help me process this huge life change, but I don't even think I've got the energy to do that. Oh, dear, that's really sad, dry out, things get better soon. Cops, are you fucking pregnant or pulling your leg? I've never been happier, been in a day job, been talking to my old me talk, and whoah, whoah! To- sorry to what? Whoah, whoah, whoah! Oh, whoah, whamma.

Yeah, whamma. When you think I was saying. But I'm sorry, I'm sorry, what? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? Mr. Britteckey, Ed Ross Townsend, Geoffrey Schlapp, they're all that freak in the joy-beating mind you pro-war ever venture. Pro-war?

Ooh, I will that work then. Oh, so you thought me money up? I'm a quiet piece of land next to the cellar's park, car park. We will put myself, Britteckey, Townsend, and Schlapp, we'll put on a war-war ever festival every Saturday afternoon. The palace feds will stop in their tracks and flock to my alternative woo-hoo offering. I've got a grind at two bob-fop-bob-bob-cub-it-the-fucking-de-t.

Well, language, it sounds very ambitious and you've got those players sang up for this have you? Well, no, you can't mention it, I haven't had that conversation with any of them. I'll just assume they'll be up for it, soon as I have a job playing war ever with me so much over the years. Hmm, I wonder if they have. You should probably get that confirmed with the Marikens. No, that will be fine. I'll just rig them up a day or two before. Right, I'll go and go, because I'll get an espace marine captain delivered today. He's got a master crafted every bolt rifle

Swaters and that okay, then right see you War move see you right That's to nice I mean need to be obviously fans a lot of comfort in why I'm a retired fellow so It's an unusual pair and in it in Mbentecke Wow, you know, I mean opposite to track sub- I'm I suppose yeah, I suppose Incredibly I've managed to get a Script for the next episode of Jordy Hate on Nutflix.

So shall I read that one out for you Andy? It's interesting. Please do, Robert, yes. Starts with PC Denise Welsh answering the phone in the incident room. Okay. Jordy Hate. Jody Heat Hot Jody Streets Crime on the Time How we're the Squad Jody Heat Jordy heat. Hello, you're through to Jordy heat. Fight and crime on the time without any bother. How may I help you today?

Oh God not you! Sorry what was that saying? Oh nothing! I was just talking to me pet wood. P-P- to him. So I'm a pet would pet that. He was petting at me park pride. Okay sir, can I take your name please. It's my Mr. Sting from the massive house on the massive estates with the massive walls. Oh hello Mr. Sting, now what can we do for you?

I can't find my favourite vest and TrD is out in a powerful sports car and I don't know what to do. You need a Samsung copper sound, find my vest or a swear, I will set fire to something. Maybe this stable block, I don't know, I haven't decided yet. Now calm down, Mr Sting. Have you had a good look for it? No, I'm too upset. Well, how long do you think Trudey will be out in her car? It's my car, actually.

Okay, Pat, in your car. I just don't know. She went out and got some pillow pads. But they're not that easy to get all of these things. Mae'n gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweith Mr. Sting, we thought don't watch it in the hiding, we just tossed to found where it's dearly, are we shoot it? Ok then, do you remember where your last saw your vest? Yes I don't! Ok, and where was it pet?

It was on the floor next to the crab sculpture in the loot room. Are you, now are you able to get to your loot room now, Mr. Sting? Yes, I'm going there now. Please stay on the line. I am still here, Pat. Now, you're very brave. You're doing really well. I'm at the door now. Shall I open it? Or is that too risky? Open it slowly, Mr. Sting. Now, you're doing great. I mean, I could see me rest, not as do you know. I have to do it all myself, as you will.

You should change your name from Johnny's Quat, to Johnny Todd, change for nothing, good bye. Do you, I, Steve, broke into the incident room? Who was that you were talking to? Or was just after Mr St to. Oh, oh, it was just a thing from the massive whos, his harmless really. Oh, you'll love leaping a night Denise. I brought some garlic pie and piccolonians with me.

It's a fancy little office picnic. Oh, why, I, Steve, people might think you're trying to make a move on me. I, maybe I am. Steve takes a pickled onion out of its kitchen paper. And slowly places it into Denise's mouth. Ooh, just how I lay them big and juicy and tart. We're till you try it with some of the pie Denise. Steve puts a chunk of pie in his mouth

and then moves into a kiss to niece. Just as their lips are about to walk, to meet in walks PC, cattle beardsly. Oh, I got the fuck is going on in here! Stinging it! Tum! Tum! Tum!

The quite similar one. What the fuck is going on in here then? Mae'n gwybod yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ymwch yn ym And the engine for condolite. Now boss, will you come with me? I think we need to do a stock check in the stationery room. Hori up mind, and very, very for condolomy. I, ok Carol, just come in. Bruce leaves the incident room with Carol, and Denise spits out the onion and gets stuck into the gallop eye. Jordy heat. That's it. Lovely stuff.

Maybe a bit of love interest there under your bit of shenanigans. Oh yeah. Hopefully that'll develop over the next few episodes. Have you had your second job now? Are you jobbed up and all that? Yeah, I've got mine. Second one of you the day so that means this podcast is now officially vaccinated. Vaccinated podcast. That's good, I think we get a sticker for that. But it was dead stressful the other day when I went for mine. I don't like getting injections at the best of time but it was stressful. I had a nice nurse and she was dead chatty and friendly and I thought this is good.

She's put me in a sort of thing. She was just about to put the injection in me arm and then someone came up the door and said there was an urgent call for us so she had to go off. So I'm sat there and we'll be sleeve up, not knowing what's going on. I waited about five minutes, now it happened. And then this other fella came in with the mask on and everything he was going to do. So he sits down, pulls down his mask, right? Yeah. And he says, soon you... Oh, it's Corbin. Jeremy Corbin, want it? Jeremy Corbin,

I thought, Christ, alive. He says, soon you there, lad, he's thinking you're it, because you don't want a die of the virus. I says, yeah, that's right Jeremy. I'd prefer not to die of the deadly virus. That's, you know, a problem for you. He says, what's your best ecophersie? I swear, what? That's his, that's his, you mean? Oh, efficacy. You mean efficacy, Jeremy.

No, it's ecophersie. Oh, and ask me mine. Ask me my best ecophers. That's just you mean, oh, efficacy, you mean efficacy Jeremy. No, it's ecophers. Oh Ask me mine. Ask me my best ecophers see It says all right. What's your best ecophers see Jeremy Corburn says 663 I says I don't think it can be 663 because it's kind of a percentage By definition the highest is 100 and I think this one the AstraZeneca is about 85 to 90 percent accuracy efficacy whether it is and he says 660 3 Bosch and then he gets these fucking needle out and he says I've diluted this one to reduce all the 5G that Bill Gates has put into it. Sticks it in me on, jammed it in, twisted it, after he jammed it in, I went, ow!

He said, shit happens! But I still got his mask down at this point, you know what I'm talking about. Oh, this is the right thing to do, but then he gives us a toffee crisp afterwards so you know I just went on and I haven't had any side effects or anything as yet so all good all good so I hope you're going to be covered having the diluted version well who knows I'll give you a boost one I was Pfizer are you Pfizer right yeah the old man's one? I think it's better. I think that actually I think they're giving it to the kids out there. No, they're giving. Yeah, Pfizer's for the kids. I think they're giving Johnson a Johnson to the kids,

aren't they? Because it's the same as baby oil and all that. It's made for them. Yeah, I think it's like, it's outcompounded. I don't follow the news watch. Okay, then Andy, is that enough? I think that's enough. I think that's it. Thanks again. That's always the past knitmas for indulgenous. Yes. Thank you, pastippers. And we'll be back with more at some point in the future.

Thank you. Goodbye. See ya. Thank you.