Athletico Mince - Boiled Parsnips 20: Bob’s Bed Bees

Episode Date: June 24, 2022

A lockdown poem, a Warhammer quiz, a Talksport tape, ‘Cash or Cheque’, a Slaughters/Hunt encounter, and the perfect unident? (Rec: 30/8/21) Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello boys and girls and welcome to a theoretical past tense with me Bob Mortimer. Imagine if you can that an abscess is formed on one of your lower molars. In agony, you Google local dentists and find one that you can see that very morning. You attend the surgery and agree to buy a lovely receptionist who registers you efficiently and reassures you that the pan will soon be over. That should be pain. Minutes later, she instructs you to enter the empty dentist's surgery. You notice the certificates are dawning the walls are all from the University of Sondland and then you hear sobbing coming from behind you.

It's a fat puddle of a man with no discernible neck and the stench of an outdoor rabbit huts. It speaks. Sorry mate, I'm not leaving. I'm one of those bogus medical frauds and the cops are on the way. It is of course my co-host, Mr Andrew Dawson. A Mr Fraudstack, dental impostor,

A Mr Puddles, Hiding for prison cuddles. Oh Mr. Bogas, skin covered in fucking gas. Oh Mr. Griffith, better get yourself a solicitor. Hello, Andrew. Hello Bob, thank you very much for that. I was lovely. Did you like that? Yes, I did. I mean, if you're anything like me, Andrew, you'll be a fan of fraudsters, con men, that kind of thing.

Er, you can't help but admire them. They're very, very clever people. Something about them, isn't there? I mean, just the audacity of just blitinely, just trying to just rob people of their harder and more money. Do you like the romantic ones who are wine and dine and older lady? Again, yeah. Should we encourage that kind of behaviour? I don't know. But they are fascinating. I can't remember what it was called now, but there was one of these sea-resets on BBC One and a Morning, but after all, something that Hammers been on, and it was about like online fraud, and it was like romantic fraud.

And it was, there was a mixture of men and women that had both been conned out of their money by by incredibly beautiful people, who they imagined they were gonna be in a relationship as soon as they came over from Antigua, or someone like that. That's the romantic barb in it that sticking to them. It, that, I mean, it just felt sorry for them because it's just loneliness, isn't it?

And I know what that feels like, myself. You know, you can... You know, using a single Red Rose for Error Russia as their weapons, you know? Yeah, the single Red Rose emoji. You know, there's nothing more powerful than that when it arrives. Under the screen of your mobile phone. We are defenseless, all of us. Oh, we just turned the jelly, don't we?

I've got a name for you. Oh, go on. It's just one name. It's racing Raymond. Right. And it doesn't matter what you're doing, he says he'll race you. If you're at work writing up a report for the boss, I'll race you. If you're having a pint after work, I'll race you, if you're at work writing up a report for the boss, I'll race you, if you're having a pint after work, I'll race you, everything's a race for racing Raymond,

so you can be him or you can of course be honky tongue. I mean he does sound a bit irritated man, I think you would agree. Yeah, I'll race you, I'll race you, Eddie, as much as what you're doing, I'll race you, fuck off, you know what I mean, oh you can, I'll tell you what, you can, I'll race you I'll race you any as much what you're doing. I'll race you fuck off I mean, oh you can I'll tell you what you can I'll bring back thin Richmond you can be thin Richmond again If you know sausage is it he's got some of the sausage. Hey, so just just a near minute. It can be whatever you want to be I'll be racy Raymond getting people's nerves for a day. Oh, okay. Nothing new there Andrew I am. Yes. For better or for worse, I've done a John Cooper lockdown.

Oh, good. We're not lockdown really much anymore, but it's nice there. But he made these during lockdown. Yeah, is he like that Japanese soldier who hid in the forest and he doesn't know that lockdown's over, but he's still in there hanging on in Yeah, there are similarities apart from the fact he's not Japanese and he's not in a forest. Yeah, they're more like while that's bad That's exactly the same I'll shut up and let you get on with it

Me bloody bed is knackered and damp. There's hundreds of moths on me bedside lamp and damp, there's hundreds of moths on me bedside lamp, there's a stain on the ceiling in the shape of a gout and a thick layer of mucus at the back of me throat. The hairs are tangled on me shoulders and back, me pillow is dusted with savoury snacks, I pick up me more by, I'll put the screens gone dead, I'll have to wait biscuit to watch telly instead. The bloat next door is banging on the wall. I don't know why because I've done fuck all. He shouts turn it down or he'll kick me head in so I turn off the Tally and fart in a tin.

I start getting dressed and I realise there's sick on me vest and sick on me thighs. I'm coughed up a furball, get back into bed. Truth of it is I'll be better off dead. I'm not down g fur ball, get back into bed. Truth of it is, I've been better off dead. I'm locked down, Gally. How do you do? Are you used to make pants that be in queue? Oh, yeah. That was thoroughly depressing, but I really enjoyed it.

Thank you very much. I'm patching in now. I'm patching in. Away up. Roy Hodgson, who's got a little quiz for us today. Are you there? Right, right, are you there? Who?

What? What were you on? Is this it? Yeah, right, proceed if you could. Oh, I've got a quiz for you. I want Mr. Maltbert to do a quiz today. Here we go, and it's all about... Oh, wow. God... Oh my god.

God. Oh my god. Say hello with me. Hello my... Oh my god. It's a matter of all choice. So you should be out the cope with it. Question 1, Bob.

Which planet was destroyed by exterminate this extremist? Was it A, Dolumar 4? Was it B? Which planet was destroyed by exterminate this extremist? Was it A, Dolumar 4? Was it B, Barlossus? Was it C, Dantus 3? Number B, Barlossus. Number B, F*** it is yet. It was Dolumar 4.

Chaos destroyed the Titan, End the severances fought with and killed severances and ultimately he's demonic master Tarcaxe after the great had they would possess severances body so that he could fully hit the real space. You didn't know that. Okay Roy, I didn't know right you didn't know, really interested, no right I really interested. Question number two, don't worry, does any too well. Question number two. I'm not too well. Yeah, too well. Question two, who is the longest living space marine in war however? Was it Dota, was it Logan Grimner, or was it Mardy's Calgar?

A. Danta. Yeah. Was that a guess? Arringer's Calgar. A. Dante. Yeah, was that a guess? Did that surprise me answer? Yes, correct. Dante, of course, is the current chapter master of the Blood Angels. Commander Dante is one of the most experienced enables, vice-married commanders,

and thus, one of the partners is to the long-gemony of the Blood Angels, which he is ruled for, all for actually 100 years. Well done. Correct. Final one. This is a decided question. Which planet is sacred to the 5th of the cult? Mechanicus. Is it Catachan? Is it Mars? Or is it Ohm again? Catachan. Catachan! Good, good, I'm so part, rug.

It's Mars, fucking moral, Ron. Mars is the whole world and headquarter of the Adeptus Mechanicus and a planet sacred to the faith of the cult Mechanicus, which is one reason why I travel to the red planet for imperial personnel who are not members of the Mechanicus and share its peculiar faith is restricted. Thank you, right. I thought you would have doubt that. That's really interesting, right?

No, really. It's really interesting. What if you were failed at my quiz? I would now retire back to my retirement. I'm watching very much. Vah-vah-mah. It's Vah-v It's more than that. More than that.

No, more than that. More than that. He's gone. He's gone. Thanks for that Roy and thanks for indulging him there Bob. No, he's not working. He's playing some big old games with them. Wow. I mean he was in his garage, wasn't he? Last time we sported them about it,

he'd been in his carage during lockdown. So he's probably converted that into some kind of spectacular wire my headquarters. Should we do some unident. I might be able to do that. A lot of unident this time. So we've got to be quite brutal with the ones that we can do and the ones we can't do.

So sorry about that. It's a victim of a torn popularity and success. It is one from Ben Clarkson, he says, I created an imaginary yet terrifying creature, the night wasp, a normal wasp that only attacks at night, so far so good. The wife thought I was daft, he says. Three nights running, we've discovered a wasp in the bedroom, beyond what should be the normal wasp in the bedroom beyond what should

be the normal wasp cut off time, which he says is 22 30 hours. I've killed these wasps, yet more wasps still return. This has to be a unit end considering the alternative of night wasps. So, what do you think of that? Well, I created an imaginary yet terrifying creature. What does that mean Andrew? The Night Wosp. He's dreamt up the concept of the Night Wosp, which only attacks at night, and then it's somehow come to life in his house. Oh, so he had the thought, but then it's as he happened.

And then it's happened, yeah. So I mean, I just, I'm just in elsewhere, I'll kept getting stung every night. And it was honey bees. Really? And they were living in the chimney and they'd come out throughout the night. I don't know whether that, it, I don't, it sounds to me like maybe someone's coming down the chimney, Andrew. I'm not convinced by that cutoff point. Are you 1130?

I don't know what the cutoff point is for a wasp. I've never really had a wasp. I've never had a wasp kind of post 9pm, so that's that 2230 hours things, stuff of fancy to me. It might just be there's a wasp nest in his chimney, like you've said. That's one thing. I don't think I don't want to give it Andrew because being stung by a wasp doesn't sound unusual. I know it's very late. It's a very late bite but they haven't even stung. He's just been fending them off and killing them. You were stung by honey bees, you see. Yeah, night after night discovered only being nested up me chimney.

That's unusual because they're not usually eventual creatures other than normally to go about their business. They were coming out and stinging you every night. It's because they were in the bed. They're nesting in the bed. No, they're getting to the bed and you'd kick on my scratch and... What can they get under the shades? Why?

For a cuddle. Yeah, could you make any, I doubt it. Got a little signal on that one then. There's one from, I've got a cell, I like this one Andrew from Tom, just Tom. He was riding his bike to work on Monday and a van pulled out in front of him. As I slammed my back brake on the back wheel of my bike,

had happened to land on top of a crushed kind of coke. So instead of stopping dead, I skidded along the road towards the van without slowing down and hit into the side of it, unharmed, but slightly confused. I thought to myself, that wasn't unusual, isn't it? What do you think? Well, I? Well, I think it might be the perfect, the only dent. And I think that he was slightly confused is a key part of the Unident experience. Yeah, that kind of that moment where you don't know whether what's happening is even real or not anymore. That's the crux of the unit then. I'd like to see that recreated

in the kind of the style of 999, the Michael Burke, incident sure. Is it called 999? Something like that. I'd like to see every single incident of a person's life for a 24-hour period recreated, you know, just from the whole beauty other than show you everything, but just in that slightly heightened version where there's like the funny camera angles and bits of dramatic music in the middle. With that feeling of dread, you know, it's all a bit ominous, isn't it? I would love, you know what I would love if we had the ability, this might come to us one day, the ability to rewind our life in the same way you can rewind your sky plus and just watch what happened on the tally a few seconds ago if you know when something happens like you're doing a

dent if you could just rewind back and see it again just enjoy it again I'd be love that I hope that I hope that can make that happen the scientists listen to you getting okay again oh I would love that what wouldn't yeah? Of course you would. Yeah. That's a one more unit, isn't it? Oh, go on then. Uh, Jacko Higgins is all right, is it? We had Jacko Higgins says I was recently clearing some old debris from beneath a palm tree

that is growing in a close to the public area of the garden centre I work at. There's already a lot of information there in itself to cope with. He says, it been quite some time since this was last done and the debris was very old and decaying buried in beneath the shit. There it was. He says, a perfect lemon, not a bruise, not a blemish. And he asks, do lemons last forever? Do they secretly grow beneath palm trees? Is this a unit dent? I don't know, it's an interesting incident or an incident. Yeah, rather than a unit dent. I have to say a surprise outdoor lemon, a chance lemon is a wonderful thing. If it had been a pork chop, might have given it, but...

If it had been a pork chop shop I would have suspected it had just been held there by a third party from my overall wall or something. You can explain that. I put a pot shop not going to fall off a palm tree is it because pot shops don't grow on palm trees. You don't think it fell off the palm tree, do you? Well it might have done, I don't know. Where has it come from?

You think someone's just chuffed it over the wall? I think someone's playing role the lemon and they've rolled it and they've lost it under the leaves. Yeah, they've lost control of it and it's gone under it and then they've got Jack or a Jack or gone clean that tree up and they've put it there to mess with his head. I don't know. So Andy I was listening to Talksport Jim Whighton Simon Jordan. Oh yeah. It was a good solid show so I taped some of it.

We like to hear it. Yes please. It's alright. I press the floor then. So obviously it starts with Jim Whight. So sorry Simon but some breaking news just coming in and this is sensational, mind blowing even. It is literally a game changer for every child,

a little man and woman who loves a beautiful game. You are not going to believe this. I'm telling you Simon, this is already caused some swelling to my thigh and a low throbbing pain in my jawbone. Listen to this, just listen to this. Yeah, get on with it. Not scounty and what a final club that is by the way. I've decided to abandon their full-time golden goal competition and replace it with a half-time raffle. Surely this is madness, inexcusable and unwarranted. And the throbbing in my lower jaws now become more of a stabbing shooting pain. Where will it end?

An abscess, implant surgery? What say you Simon Jordan? Well above all, before we get caricatured as reactive rather than proactimal, let's consider the forces namely financial that have begat this club to begot this decision. Every club has to work within constraining restraints, to set parameters for actions and objectives. Essentially it's a rebranding rather than a redesign and in that context it really only affects those people that are effectively burdened with a perceived change. I wish them all the best. Well, well, well. We'll have to de-agre- to disagree on that one Simon.

Now it's time to welcome our special guest who is so special that the small capillaries are on my ankle have started to pulse in anticipation. It is of course none other than my oldest and bestest ever friend Mr. Mick McCarty. How are you doing Mick? Oh no you're busted. What you're busted want? Oh Mick never change. Prom never change.

Promise me that. I'll not promise you now you're busted. I just wanted to ask you about some of your plays refusing the vaccine. Are you happy with that? I'm never happy. What's the point of luck? Only Busted's are happy. So you'd rather your players took the vaccine. I'm not busted, bothered.

Why not make? Cause they're pack of Busted's. I could've said enough. Have you had the vaccine make yourself? No. And why not? Cause the vaccine make yourself? No. And why not? Because the vaccine's a bust then. If I could just interject to you,

Mick, by way of diversifying the paradigm within which we are operational? No, you can't. Why not? Because you're clearly a bust. Oh, I think we'll leave it there. Thank you, Mick McCarthy, as insightful as ever. Backstreet after this! Come shopping at Card Worlds. Find what you're looking for.

Shopping at Card Worlds. The biggest and the best store there's so much to see. And the car park is free. Come shopping at cartels with the whole family. Cartels is a retail partner of GFX Securities, our shelves are more or less empty and the goods that do remain a high percentage of faulty or non-safety compliant. Free parking is at our sister store on the island of Louis. Okay! Our next guest on the show is the inimitable Nigel Pearson, manager of Bristol City. Nice to speak, you Nigel. What are you personally doing about the Covid? I do not feel Covid as it is a virus that all would be able to fight an emergency. Victorious from that fight. At the end of the fight

people would say, Nigel, that is a fight that you have won. But it's potentially deadly things. You're not here to doll! I fear nothing, but everything fears the ice of ice is tricky. When I fought, I experienced no fear. Only expectation, that's wrong, isn't it? I'm trying to bluff. I experience no fear only expectation that's wrong and it

Uncle food alright, when I fight I experience no fear only the expectation at willing that fight Usually with gritties and occasionally with a modicum of effort if any four challenges me I simply say I will fight you and the result of that fight will be your defeat. I will win that fight and you will lose. I'm a superb fighter and I love to fight. You talk a lot about fighting and the pugilistic approach but is there not room for compromise or accommodation in your aspects of approach? Do you want to fight? Because I will fight you, and it is a fight that you will lose. Is that what you want to have a fight, and lose that fight, as you've taken on a better fighter than you? Right, I think we'll leave it there.

I still can't believe that news about the Nuts County Raffle. My thighs are so swollen now that my balls have been crushed like a couple of billbres in a wine press back after this. And that's how it stops happening and I... You stopped the run out of tea up, did you? Yeah, because that was very good. Are you only at a five? I only had a five minute.

Oh, just a little one. It was it from Boots. No, I got it from WH. Smith. Would you like to do a little game? Yeah. Put together. It's called cash or check. Okay. Here we go. Bob. Yep. Cash or check. Now don don't don't go with your gut response if you don't want to have a think about it We've got all the time in the world. I'll say it again cash or check I Think I'm happy with my response

What is that response? Cash You've gone for cash. Yes, I've asked you cash or check and today you've gone for cash I'm sorry Bob it was check It was as soon as I said cash it was Pat cash The tennis player or the check in desk at the four seasons or telling Manhattan. So you've got it wrong in this occasion. But thank you for playing Cash, your check, Popper. Thank you very much. No, thank you for

having me. Thank you for having me. It's a wonderful, it's a wonderful set you've got there as well for this show. Thank you very much. Three Space Age isn't it? Crime Files The small market town of Amisham lies some 20 miles north of London in the Pitcheresk Valley of the River Mizzborne. Historically known for brewing, lace manufacture and brick making, it is now a quiet commute to hub with many notable bars, restaurants and leisure facilities. A fine place to live. That is until the 7th of February 2018, when the shit hit the fan. Itdana among the narrow streets of Amishum was the small workshop and gallery of Mr. Neal Hunt, the nonsense potter. On that day Neal was sat at his workbench, applying some

otter manure dubbing to his hiking boots. The kiln was still warm from a firing and a cup of hot-bottle was steaming on the bench. Suddenly into the shop walked the darts player Adrian Lewis, accompanied by chef Ron Craigs and the head waiter from Slaughter's restaurant in Alexander Palace. What do you pass no marks what? If you're looking for a betting shop it's three doors down. This is a nonsense pottery. Oh fuck fuck fuck fuck look at all this stuff. Did you just repeat the F word in front of my beautiful parts? Oh no, no, I said we'll in look, look, we'll in look, look, look, look. Jesus Christ, what is that stench coming off you lot?

It smells like a maggot farm. So very sorry, Mr. Nonsense Potter. The smell is various residues that are clinging to chef crags and the apron. I shall ask him to remove it and place it outside. Why, for some reason, remove my apron. I'm having it all there so that my body isn't implemented the wedded juice. And I'll explain it when I'm into tonight's gravy. Oh look, look, look, that has got me par-pain. I absolutely adore Chef Crags, apron gravy. Just put it outside, run.

Look, what a book! In my mind, of course, it was always right. And if this costume were to fit my apron, just using stitcho, then that's in situ? Then that one very terrible. Fuck on you, don't! Right, that's it. Get out of my pottery. I don't like your attitude or your gutter language. Go on, get out! Oh, fuck.

Easy, Mr Potter. Nobody. And I mean nobody. Talk talks to random tracks like that. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, look, look, listen, we've got off to a bad start, let's all calm down. We're here to buy a big pottery platter for Ron's anniversary meal. We've got a thousand pounds burning a hole in me tracks, so bottoms, so come on, let's do business. Hmm, a thousand pounds you say, man, and will you stop with the potty talk? Abs of fuck and loately, sorry, my bad.

I might just have the thing for you, have a look at this 24 inch porcelain glazed beauty featuring a seal balancing a bone on its snout. Oh, clock, clock, clock, clock, that's beautiful. Look at the seals, juicy thigh'e meet. Imagine biting into them with a fox long coolly. Oh, that's softened my tits into rice pudding. It's very, very fucking striking. I'm sorry, my bad.

It's not, not for, big enough for what I'm planning planet and the steel looks like a sausage and you have a serval on a cow pet in fuck a fuck I think a fuck on wool. Oh don't like it deal oh well how hurtful that this is coming from a hideous cook that stinks of awful and speaks like he's got a mouthful of condoms. Go on out, get out of my pottery. No son, you'll get out. At this point Ron Cragg's ripped off his apron and shirt revealing a massive tattoo of a citron burlingo on his chest. Come here, come here, you nuck-wim, jump-wim!

Ron grab Neil around his midriff and start to squeeze him so tightly that a pebble was ejected into Neil Hunt's slacks. Get off me, you ape! Get off me! You should know that my sister's son's spanish tutor owns a bullfighting costume and my father's insurance agent owns a Zulu spear that he won in a cruise raffle that of me. Suddenly Neil finds himself struggling for breath and Ron loosens his grip causing Neil to fall to the floor like a sack of pliers. Paul's his foot back ready to deliver a steel toecaps to Neel's temple. Why is it always little old me? I once gave Puzzie Bear £50 for a cuddle and I pray every night for animals with compromised movements. Meal closes his eyes awaiting the boat to his temple, but it never came.

He looked up to see the three strangers all nose deep in his bucket of otter dubbing. Tritidumos concentrated Mickey buttock, I have ever lived. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, you meaty potterie hero. This is second level meat wax. Siv, some familiar, great bastards. Oh, fuck off. No, yo, fuck off. We must have more of this game, we know, Gah. How much do I know the bockies? 1,000 pounds. That's a fucking deal, sirs, my bad. Come on, let's take this book, it back to slaughters, and wash it around with rungs gravy. Send it in the porcester slotters, Alexander Palace your footer, sirs, my bad.

The three left the shop leaving a thick wood of cash on the table. Ha ha ha ha! A thousand pounds for autumn, a newer, it's ten pounds on the internet, you Todd Warriors, I'm Neil Hunt, and I'm loving my life! Did you see you had a quiz there? Yeah, do you want one? Oh, why not, go on. Now, I'm going to take you to Boots the chemist.

All right. Andrew, is that somewhere you like to go? Yeah, I've been there before. Yeah. Well, pitch yourself in boots, looking at them shelves, yeah. Yeah. All right. And I'm going to take you to the men's toiletries section. And I want you, I'm going to give you three items. I want you to price them cheapest, to most expensive, all-fice, versa, okay? I'm confident. And the three items are, 12 Gillette Pro Glide Replacement Blades. 12, right here. Yeah.

Item two, one bottle of old-spice deodorant sticks, or it's not a stick, one stick of old-spice deodorant. So it's not a stick, one stick of old spice, the old one. And the third one is the oral bee cross-action rechargeable electric toothbrush. Right. Well, the cheapest is going to be the old spice, the old one stick. You reckon? Yeah. What's this made out of, like, I don don't know platinum or something. What was the what was the what was the oral B brand name?

The oral B is a rechargeable electric toothbrush. I'll be fair and say there's no con here. I chose the it's actually the cheapest. It's the standard right. Your most it's your basic basic rechargeable toothbrush and 12 Gillette replacement blades and the replacement blades are the most expensive. Then the toothbrush and the-gillet replacement blades and a little plus. The replacement blades are the most expensive, then the toothbrush, then the stick. Andrew, you have just nailed it. Get in! Yes!

How does that feel? That is beautiful. What a way to end an episode. I mean, I'm well aware of how much blades cost. They really expect them more expensive than printer ink and gold. So 32 pounds, 99 pen. What ridiculous. That's why I rarely shift.

But you said you knew boats and you certainly don't. Oh, yeah. Proud Los Isles like a Cougar. Right, thanks for that. That's been a slettigopico pass of thanks again for all of you who indulge us and subscribe we love each and every one of you yeah thank you pass it was for listening bye bye you