Athletico Mince - Ep. 124 - No Fighting

Episode Date: April 30, 2024

Young England lads on the town, Talksport, Dom, Roy, Geordie Heat, and much more…(63-min extended version available via Club Parsnips - search Athletico Mince on Patreon and Apple Subscriptions) Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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and even to buy and sell cash. It's easy to use and get your remittances through Paypal or check. The idea is simple. The stores make Rakuten to send them to people who store it. And Rakuten shares the money with you in cash. Download the free Rakuten app and never miss a good deal.

Or go to rakuten.ca to get more for your money. C-R-A-K-U-T-E-N. How do we start with a prayer? We could do, do you have one handy? Your t-shirt says zoo. I thought it was your turn to bring the prayer. Oh I forgot. Oh well no prayer today then. It has been a while hasn't it?

Do you have any excuses or reasons or anything like that yeah I've got three reasons three I've been very in descending order it's not worse the best all right worst is shingles I thought it's just under a week under a year ago right and knocked me right out what a what a what a terribly turgid thing that is. Celebrate the anniversary at all? It's on the 9th. Might do. Might do. Like a candle. Say a prayer. Or go to the beach, you know, shingles as it were. Oh good, nice. Secondly, writing a book. Oh another one. Got a new book coming out. Learned nothing from the previous one. Experience, yeah.

Yeah. And I apologise to everyone. Called The Avocado Hotel. So that's a nice thing to call a book. Isn't it? It's very nice. Very intriguing. Avocado hotel. What could that be about? A hotel made of avocado. A hotel with an avocado in it. No. On it. On it. On it. Devouring it. Now listen up. The third reason is reason is it sloth? yeah yeah born idleness. born idleness. happens a lot at our age. well at my age you know if you're knocked out with a disease. deadly illness. deadly yeah thank you. deadly. thank you. deadly illness you know it feels okay I just sit on the set eh. yeah. feel sorry for

yourself. I did keep ringing you up each month saying are we back? No it's still deadly, still deadly. What an un-bully, if you know it's not public information arena athletic home ins but if you fancy a shingles vaccination, oh my word, I wish. Yeah, yeah. Was there something else you want to know? That was the three reasons. Yeah. We've also, I would legal dispute with infinity rocket plastics has come to an end. Yeah. All I can say is that I'm obliged to plug their new social media service called connections. Right. That's spelled K N X S N X S you get on there all the usual social media stuff but there's also a specialist section for the

trading of rare animal skins tusks bush meat that kind of thing yeah well that sounds like them now listen up Brian Ferry got really really upset about recent developments with the EFL. Did you know this? I didn't! Do you know that 10 of the Premiership clubs voted against giving the EFL any money? I did hear that. It's really upset him. So he sent me a song but sadly he didn't have any music with it so I don't apologize. He never writes the music, he gets else at the do it brian eno still does it well i think eno's not gonna write a song for um a 30 comments but i'll try and give it a go um i'll give it a play clop is on the ramps again

pep knows the rules better than anyone and i'll take his ass looks tight in his Ferris legs how is on the rounds again ten hug is swimming in the deep end and dash on the sideline is picking his nose with his thumb and meanwhile in the championship the teams that come down go up again and ten fucking clubs want to destroy the EFL Liverpool born at West Ham Nottingham Forest Palace and Wolves Tottenham Villa Arsenal and obviously fucking Chelsea and Andrzej's on the rant again Posh is cooking mince in his penthouse the tent clubs are fine in fact they're having a lovely time Liverpool Bournemouth etc etc Tottenham Villa Arsenal and obviously for okay so thank you Brian I think the answer to any given question at any time can be obviously fucking Chelsea if you think

about it hey I've no grudge or now it's like that no you know what I mean yes I have as we've been away for so long I need to retest your memory man credentials. Oh go on then, yeah that's fair enough. Renewed. One of our Club Parsnips subscribers called Dee Pearson submitted one so we'll use that. By the way there's an extended version of this episode on Club Parsnips if you are a subscriber. Okie doke.

That's on Patreon and Apple Podcasts subscriptions. Seven day free trial on both of them. Erm, D. Pearson says, Memory Man, do you remember the runner up of the 1984 Grand National? 84 yes brilliant yeah brilliant I've still got it I've still got it I'll just is that me so yeah I've just put into the system hey listen up I always like to bring some potential topics of interest, none of which generally interest you, but I'll mark them up at this point. Maybe we'll do them in the parsnips. Well, I thought we could do a separate topics of interest agenda.

But I just wanted, there's a couple I wanted to bring to your attention. Right. All right. Yeah. Talism. If you were to picture Morgan Freeman's trousers, what would they see? What would they look like? Right, right, right.

I wanted to ask you that. Right, right, right. Do you have a favourite curved thing? And if you had to survive naked in an allotment, what would you use to fashion some shoes? I'm not sensing any interest in. We can look at them later on. Here's my topics of interest I'd like you to consider. The edge of town. Right, nice. Where is it? Do you go? What happens there? Two, ponds. Right. Pros and cons. Right. three magazine stands okay and for the future of men's knickers immediate and long term long term future mm-hmm well I mean anything yeah I really want to

though hold that thought what was the third one magazine stands I used to think for many years that you know those things you get in hotels that you put your suitcase on yeah I thought they were for magazines. That's because you're an ignoramus. Listen up Andy Anthony Gordon, Harvey Elliot and Cole Palmer right right they've been out on the Razz they're a little pulling group yeah yeah and they were there a wine club there a wine bar in Cheshire they sent a meat there before they have their go at the discotheque right yeah it's called Kath and Ken's wine bar up in Cheshire and I've got via the gift of

infinity rocket plastics I've got I've got footage from there yes so that we can enjoy their pre clubbing drinks the progress let's enjoy that how sad's that let's get cool can oh daft's that nice club a girl hey I'm not talking to our cabin chicken Chicken Goosheons! That's it Andy. So they're out, they've met up for their pre-club and drink. They're having a night out in Gardendow's nightclub on the Pull.

There's an older bloke on a table next to them, minding his own business. So he's probably going to come back. I'd think so, you wouldn't have mentioned them otherwise would you, really? Who do you so he's probably gonna come back I think so you have to mention them otherwise would you really who do you think you might be South African older bloke on the table minding it don't know Adrian Lewis anyway so Anthony Gordon he's wearing a Gucci track suit and a Bugs Bunny cap yeah and what baby she's drinking tonight boys Harvey Elliott who's wearing a silk paisley shirt and yellow dungarees espresso martinis, lemon cello spritzers and maduri shots

Anthony Gordon, how mad's that you'll be 18 pancakes high by the time we get to the club what about you, Cole Palmer? Cole Palmer, he's wearing a foil jumpsuit with white Wellington boots like the forensic services wear. See, Cole Palmer, I'll probably stick to me vape. Got a new drug that tastes like a laundry hat and custard. It really is the beans. I'll daft that, says Gordon. If your gaffer finds out he'll go beans on toast on you lad. No if he smells it he'll just think I've been eating me pudding in the laundry.

Yeah maybe how stealth's that? There's a pretty young lady sat at the bar looking over in their direction. Harvey. Hey old boys I think we might have some interest over there at the bar. Harvey do you really think you're gonna pull with that hairstyle? It looks like some scally has thrown the contents of his over bag on your bods. Shut up you divvy and you can talk with your hair a bit haircut. You look like an apprentice fucking monk.

This cut is sharp mate, it's got cled it's got some various fucking straight lines and a lot of interesting angles no one's interested in angles these days just confuses people what if that lass in the club asks you what the haircut actually means do you think that could happen but not because I wouldn't have a clue what to say Harvey Elliott You could just say to tribute to medieval France Just leave it at that like you know

Oh nice one Nice one boss, I'll hear it my doorie Hey lads, I'm not talking to my sister Kevin no more I just thought you should know that she's been on the socials saying I spent 10,000 quid on a machine. How's that? Like I say, just thought you should know. So, what was this machine you bought? I'm not really sure. It's pretty big and not that noisy, so I'm pleased about that.

Lots of people have them, so I thought I'd get on it. Was it an air fryer? I just don't know, Cole. Maybe, fucking, scouse accident. Maybe I'd, cool, maybe I never will. How nuts that? Anthony Gordon. Have we got and Gordon that's a distinction doesn't really matter don't care about that matter no shame that lie hey shall we order some chicken goujans do the do goujans Goosians? Of course they do Goosians! Where does it say they do Goosians?

On the board there! We do do chicken Goosians! Nice one! Armin! Hey have either of yous two been to Fluffy Fluffy in town? It's a pancake shop but they're actually soufflés. How's sounds there? Oh it's well mad but a bit confusing to be honest.

Anthony Gordon. Hey have either of you been on a Brittany Ferry? I bet it's boss on a Brittany Ferry. Do you know they do three different routes to France how sounds that? Can I just say at this point that I am definitely the skinniest of us three. No way, look at Gordon. At this point the man on the next table pipes up. Who's the conveyer, eh?

Well, according to this script... It's Nonsense Potter, Neil Hunt. Hey! Excuse me, but can you three buffoons shut up and let me enjoy my drinks in peace? Your witterings are turning my tits inside out. Who the fuck are you La? I'm Neil Hunt nonsense Potter and it doesn't get much better than that never heard of you pal where Premiership football is so show us some respect or do one the only thing I will be doing is asking the management to make you sling your collective hooks if you don't pipe down.

No... Fag on Brum. No. Not going to happen boss. We're playing me shit... Now it's Birmingham. Not going to happen boss. We're playing me shit porno.

It's an African... Oh dear and I'm coughing up sputum. Scouse. How many? Three. Three. Three. Three.

Three. Three. Three. Three. Three. Three. African oh dear and I'm coughing up sputum Scouse. How am I going to happen boss with Premiership football there's no ones going to shift us yes they are and I'll fucking do it myself if need be Cole Palmer gets off his seat stands over Neil Hunt nonsense potter Gordon Shaw make a move. Fuck up your words, or shut your potty mouth.

Neil Hunt gets up and goes eye to eye with Cowel Palmer. Get out now, or I'll drag you out by your... But before he could finish his words, Cole had put him in a headlock, and was rubbing his face up and down his foil jumpsuit. Get off me! You've picked the wrong fight here sunshine! You should know that I'm a very close friend of a lone shark and my nephew's driving instructor has access to medical swabs via his wife's work. Cole increases the pressure. Neil Hunt accepts defeat.

Okay okay I give in. You can stay. Why oh why is it always me? I don't deserve this. Just this week I allowed the vicar to store his bunting in my garage and I've never gone over 40 miles an hour in my entire life. Cole releases his grip and Neil slumps back into his chair defeated. The young lady from the bar walks over. Hey old lads, looks like things are about to get interesting. The lady stops in front of them. Alright, girl, you want to join us?

Do I know you scally, no, Max? She turns to Neil's table. Ey, are you Neil Hunt, the Nonsense Potter? Yes, I am. Oh my god. Do you mind if I join you? Of course not, be my guest. Do you fancy sharing a plate of goujons?

Yeah, that would be boss. The footballers grumble between themselves. Cole Palmer. Come on, let's bust out of this shit hole. And all three make their way out of the wine bar. Neil I'm Neil Hunt, Nonsense Potter, and I'm a fucking nightmare! How mad is that?

Thanks to Infinity Rocket Plastics Wonderful stuff, enjoyed that And Cath and Kev was it? Keith? Cath's Wine Bar for allowing them to install their hyper optic cameras But I do want to go to fluffy fluffy where it is pancakes but they are soufflés very very into that indeed. Erm, fancy a fight? A real fistfight? Yeah. Err nah not in this condition. Aw cool, come on. Not in this condition. Oh come on. Just a little one. No I don't want to fight.

Come on please. No Chavdandy I'm not having a fight. I know you're going to do this for ten minutes but I ain't fighting. I want to fight. No I'm a shit fighter. Just a little one. A fun fight. No I don't, I'm shit at fun fights.

Oh come on, no one will get hurt. No. I'll let you win. Give us a quiz. I'll let you win. No I don't want to fight. No I'll give us a later on. Hey I've got one of me quizzes.

You've got a quiz. You've got of me quizzes you've got a quiz do you got a quiz I've got what's your quiz my quiz is called from sent a spot to shit farm oh I'll do that one point it feels like it needs an intro a bit of music and someone like that from shit farm to the center circle oh it's called from sent a spot to shit farm no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no? Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry I'll fight you in a minute No I don't want no fighting From centre spot to shit farm we're going to give you three football clubs And you've got to tell me Which one is nearest to

It's nearest shit farm I.e. Waste treatment, water management Plant, outlet It can do it reverse order It can do it from first to last But I outlet yeah you can do it reverse order you can do it from first to last okay but I need an order I know you do here's the three West Bromwich Albion yeah Cheltenham Town oh yeah Akron Stanley

I'm pretty confident because I've been to West Brom Quite a few times. I'm pretty confident in putting West Brom at the top You've been to West Brom a few times. Therefore you feel you knows where the nearest shit farm is I'm just judging the area. I think they need a shit farm pretty near It's gonna feel like you're making a judgment call on the area Oh well I don't mean it that way I've been to West Brom where the fuck was Stunk I think you mean that that way. I've been to West Brom where the foot was stunk.

After that Cheltenham or Akron. I mean I'm tempted to think that it's Cheltenham because it sounds bucolic and that and that you're tricking me up. There's no tricks I've just chosen the clubs and then found the shit farms. Okay I'm gonna go West Brom is it Cheltenham? Cheltenham, Akron and Stanley. Cheltenham, Akron and Stanley. In that order, I've told you them. Yeah. West Brom nearest. Yeah. You could not have been more wrong. Oh fucker. Ah dear. Akron and Stanley's nearest shit farm is 5.9 miles from the centre spot. Right, not bad. West Bromwich Albion second 14.2 yeah and Sheltnam town is 15.5 miles from centre spot to

ship farm. Wow. And there it is. Well thank you for that because I do genuinely enjoy it. Do you happen to know off the top of your head which club has the nearest ship farm? Do you have that info? I've got that info yeah. You're not telling me. I'm not giving it away it's going to be a long running quiz that. Would you like to do a talk sport? Would you like to do a Geordie Heat? Would you like to do a Sean Dice? Can I give you a couple of names first? I meant to do that at the beginning and I didn't get to it. I've got a couple of names for you you can be Sir Richard Scratcher right he is a backbench MP right most of his interjections are along the lines of the claims that the minister makes are all well and good but what my constituents

really need to know at this point in time is that I have got a very very itchy arse. I am actively considering. Richard Scratcher. You can be British Ropes. Right. Or you can be Honky Tog. Honky Tog. There's no explanation to British Ropes I just thought it sounded like a good company name. British Ropes this is good yeah UK Rope. I will be Scratcher. you'd be Richard scratcher very good I'm a very very itchy ass I could I can think myself into an itchy ass you've got to cultivate one in order to beat him yeah let me think what about for you I was thinking of Eileen butterscotch that's all I'm offering

that's all you've got it's weak weak it feels like you've just made it up now have it so you're gonna be Ronnie out dogs yeah be running out dogs fancy fight no I'm not fighting Andy and what do you reckon is there anything that appealed to you talk sport sounds good you like a bit of talk before we do it can I just check again I tell you about the man who came there for breakfast in me travel lodge this morning right he was wearing a very very fluffy dressing gown and slippers in the breakfast room. Did it fuck you up? No, I thought hero. Legend I thought. He got himself a plate of bacon, scrambled eggs,

six slices of white toast. Bacon and dressing gowns, that's a nice title for something. I thought there's someone who's living his best life. Do you think you could combine that as a shop do bedding and bacon? But in a bacon where there's the name of a business So Andy I was listening to Jim White Simon Jordan Sean talk sport. All right the other day. It was a good one So I taped it taped an extract. I'll play that for you. You got your tape recorder there of you. Yeah there Press it. So Jim White,

well you join us just as I'm in receipt of some breaking news that is going to change the way you think about the professional game. It's mind-boggling, earth-shattering and believe me you're going to want to be sat on a very absorbent surface to prepare for this. I'll just get on with it will you Jim, you're burning the optics. Well this is it, hold on to your loved ones. As of next season, referees have been instructed to use a Velcro strip to secure the sleeve pocket rather than the familiar press stud system. There you have it, unbelievable. You know just as we're getting used to the Velcro system,

they come out and drop this bombshell. What say you, Simon? Has the world gone mad? Is this the end of the professional game as we know it? There's definitely a shift, but I think it can be accommodated within the current paradigm, so long as people take a holistic view point of the various manifestations it implies. Well, you can't argue with that, but it is just change for change's sake of all the fixing systems involved in the current game. Surely the sleeve pocket press stud system is absolutely sacrosanct, Simon. Time for change Jim, we're used to fix things with safety pins but obsolescence is built into every fixed system. Just think of no more nails and other glues. They're developing at a pace not previously deemed possible in the labyrinth of developmentism.

That's a great point, but will you at home be renewing your season ticket or will the demise of the prestoed sleeve pocket be the straw that broke the camel's back? I'll be taking your calls after this short message Hey mate your car looks shit and that reflects badly on you and your family to be honest Why don't you buy a new one? Can't afford one? I've spent all my spare cash on air fryers! Ever considered a fuss free loan? There's no such thing! There's always a catch!

Not with David C. John's loans. Just sign and drive. It really is as simple as that. Never heard of them. Are they reliable, honest and transparent? Yes! Well, as far as I know they are so why delay? I won't! It's Yoke Car Time by the way! David C. Johns Loans, what's the C for? Sailing Ships In! Best loan associate of my life! Thanks Boss! David C. Johns, just sign and drive. Well, we've had over a million calls already about this Velcro debacle and I have to say it's pretty much a 50-50 split. One thing's for sure though, it's an end of an era. Surely the game will never be the same. Your thoughts, Simon? Well outcomes, is this the key word?

Will it adversely or inversely affect suitable outcomes? Will those outcomes be transfigurated or reframed by the replacement fixings, Jim? That's what you've got to ask yourself. And that's what we all will be pondering on this momentous day. And I have to tell you that my gallbladder is already squirting excess acids into my upper colon due to the stress of it all. So it's all changed on the referee sleeve fixing front. Goodbye to our old friend the Prestod. When will they stop meddling? Time for the news and sport now with Melody Frankfurter. So it was quite a nice extract. Yeah it's very good, very informative and interesting. They store the brands they like and make important savings, in addition to cash returns.

And you can also start making money in your favorite stores like Old Navy, Best Buy and Expedia, and even accumulate sales and cash returns. It's easy to use and you can get your returns by PayPal or check. The idea is simple. The stores make Rakuten to send them to people who store them, and Rakuten shares the money with you in a delivery form. Download the free Rakuten app and never miss a good deal.

Or go to rakuten.ca to get more for your money. It's R-A-K-U-T-E-N. Hello! Welcome along to a new episode of the Dominic Little Pod. Welcome along again. If you want to take a look online on your apps and look at the archive, you can listen to episodes with previous guests I've had on such as Richard Manley and Claire Boling sadly I couldn't get anyone as good as them this week but I'm still happy. Well hello my special guest Mr Bob Wollmer. Thanks for having us Dom. Thank you for coming along do you want to say hello to my guinea pigs? Hello guinea pigs? Yeah you brought anything for them no I didn't

know you would have your guinea pigs with you oh well it's been a breakdown of communication there because that's a very integral part of the podcast oh I'm sorry where the guest adds over an offering to the guinea pigs but you ain't got nothing you got you got some leaves there in a pot yeah I've got some leaves you're gonna eat them yourself later on you're gonna give them to the guinea pigs. Well I'd rather have them myself. They like leaves. Okay there they can have some leaves. Okay I'm gonna take a photograph of the leaves. All right there we go there's the lip. Right got that yeah I put them down for the minute moment. All right well let's get down to it. that content down there for socials Let's get down to it. That's where you catch phrase. All right, let's get down to it. I

Will even a lot of talk these days about the scammers way Scammers everywhere. Yeah on the net and that all just started everywhere. Hey good thing or bad thing scabbing. I mean for everyone apart from the scammer it's a bad thing isn't it Don? What's a good point? I'm on the face myself when it comes to that. I'm not sure. Never judge anyone till you've walked a mile in their shoes I would say. By that time you're a mile away you've got this shoot That could have gone better. Oh, what next question are you barred from anywhere? I Was bad for me local in Middlesbrough long long time

that bar still What was it for fighting fighting? you know I fight do you hate fighting Tom should I say I got kicked in but I got dragged into the you got kicked in you still got bored yeah well that's what happens in it you lot all you lot your bad and then you went on to become a solicitor and somehow didn't manage to overturn that decision didn't know it seems blatantly unfair fucking solicitor yeah don't depress me Dom yeah well I I'm still there actually and I did go back a couple of years ago and they let me in change the landlord you see I see it's a waiting game in it yeah sure we

go play a long game yeah nice one well done I'll put that down as a tick um who's the best one on The Simpsons I don't watch it that much no more, but I don't change much Home of me it's about a sound or a He is not you're right. Oh ever done any self surgery Self surgery self surgery. I just little minor operations on yourself. I mean I've done me on dentistry. I don't know. That's not surgery though Is it kind of yeah, and I put yourself down. I have done dentistry. I used to have a terrible ulcer on me heel But I just used to tend to it. I didn't come to you good on it. Is that what you do? I think so vinegar and salt well urine. Yeah and bleach and bleach yeah okay I put a dance a tick as well if you

could have a different first name what would it be um Tom right yeah Tom or my yeah all right I'll be Rowland nice name Rowland or if I was a girl Claire Claire yeah what's your second name Dom? Littlewood, Claire Littlewood. Yeah Claire Littlewood is a very strong name. It's middle management isn't it? Yeah in an insurance company. Rowland Littlewood sounds a bit pushy. I like that I'll go around wearing tweed I think that's about it for this episode. I'm not in with a song if I may. You may of course come. About the state of the nation. Okay.

Here we go. The dogs and the cats can't be bothered to fight. The pubs are all shut in a tent. Regional accents don't make sense no more And my piles are plain avoc again This is the state, the absolute state This is the state of the nation Second verse, hold on Teabags don't hold their flavour no more Carpets are all thin and greasy

air styles are boring and they make me feel sad and what's it's no longer taste cheesy this is the state the absolute state the state of the bleeding nation I will always have time for you Dom you've got to shorten that you know it's not I know your sentiments but I shouldn't it you know I shouldnening it thanks very much for coming along one more last minute and

hopefully next time Fatima with Braedal Turnip thank you very much good bye thanks for having us Dom I've just done this little podcast with Dom oh yeah yeah he was very good oh he's good he's consistent he is consistent he's solid he did a song that was a bit long yeah yeah he does that yeah yeah it's like Mike Yaw would used to do at the end like you know this is me and everyone goes on fuck off i managed to get hold of a copy of Sean Dice's um motivational mp3 of his from the beginning of a training session just last week it's like nothing's changed is it with Dice So I thought I might you might like to hear it Andy? Yeah as soon as I can find the music

Staying up will not be easy mashed potato is best served cheesy we won't survive if we're divided you can't cook a pie without meat inside it. The running will be gruelling. Matches come thick and fast. But with a donner box and a side of gravy, your stamina will last. No dribbles, back heels or rainbow flicks if you want to get fancy, eat some crab and chips and remember pies drill bits

brilcream drape welding sealants and that's the Everton way have a sausage and let's get training the weather's perfect it's fucking raining. Kick some balls high into the sky

because elevation is how we survive. If you're cooking burgers, always deep fry. If you're grouting pavers, keep the mix dry. Never wear boots that fit you properly. Buy old Kent Road if you're playing Monopoly. And remember, talk wrench. Scrap yards. fit you properly by old Kent Road if you're playing Monopoly. And remember... TORK Wrench Scrap Yards

Carp Dispiers Pottles And that's the Everton Way! And I'm very nicely intercepted by the lads at Infinity Rocket Black. I should stop there. Yeah, wonderful stuff. Oh, I tell you what, that bit where he says that's the Everton way, that hit hard. Yeah, well he's...

Not Burnley no more. Not the Burnley way. I don't think I've heard from him since he went to Everton. That's quite something. Oh, hold on, Andy, is that Roy Hodgson at the door oh it is yeah oh I'll get him in go on get him in Roy Roy come on in Roy have a seat hello Roy hello my darling boys you both look splendid nice thanks for coming Roy how's it going you seem in a good mood. Why wouldn't I be young man? Spring is in the air, everywhere you look is wee booth in

rejuvenation, and if I was wearing a hat I would doth it to the Lord above in thanks and gratitude. Actually shall we say a prayer together? No, we've already done that Roy, so what's new? Oh, tell you what's new my lad. Shield walls of liberators clad in sleek new thunderstrike armour all ready to defend Sigmar's realm against the tide of craven clan rats while elite reclusions stride forth into the fray their lightning scorched souls weathered by innumerable reforging

yes in case you hadn't guessed it's the arrival of the storm cast eternal's reinforcements whoa I'm sorry I mean I don't know what any of that means it's whatever of course it's what I'm sorry wait it's er... War-e-ver! War-e-ver! War-e-ver! War-e-ver! Oh, alright, War-e-ver. Anyway, I was like treating you now that you're not up, er, Crystal Palace manager. Ah, my God! Why did you have to go back to that place? Bloody Nora! I thought we were having a nice time here! I'm sorry Roy, I only asked.

I was stitched up right by that lot. My pro-war-e ever agenda was systematically dismantled in an operation not unlike the whore's heresy when it nearly destroyed the fledgling imperial band that time now you've lost me you've lost me again that's war stuff there was an insurrection the world the palace squad oh what is the reaction but rebellion all right cool the tart bunch of them got together they set up a rival lobby oh yeah what was that then? coffee they had a whatsapp group for everything chatting away about coffee all day long what's the best type of

beans what's the best bread and machine milky non milky I lost control of the dressing room and they had to turn me ill coffee's not even a proper obby roe you're not even fucking tell me that sunshine. It was a nightmare. Every time I come in the dressing rooms try talk about war ever they'd all get together and do their head gesture. What the bloke off the advert used to do when he was shaking the beans. Yeah oh well I'm sorry for bringing that up and upsetting you Roy. Well well it is. Here, I'll set you got on the desk in that cup that's T right bleeding is in his blood coffee isn't it

oh Gary I had his twisted citadel of caffeine whatever whatever sorry well I I sensed a little bit of him maybe missing the game there. What, what am I? No missing those. Football? Yeah. He was in a good mood at first. So we mentioned football type stuff.

He was. Um, oh, Jordy Heath. Jordy Heath? Yeah, I got, they're filming the new Nut Flick series as we speak and I got a bit of script sent through to me from my source. Oh you've got a source now? Got a source, yeah. Oh, okay. Geordie Heats, crime on the tine.

Hot Geordie nights, Geordie Streets Full of Crime Geordie Heat Interior, Geordie Heat headquarters PC Denise Walsh and DI Eddie Howe are on the day shift having a cup of tea and a stoppie, it's like a bread bun isn't it filled with bacon grill and reggae reggae sauce Eddie how my uva blew up over the weekend

so that's a sharp kick to my arse what uva would you recommend as a factory replacement denise ah sorry to hear that boss do you have any specific requirements you know? Allergy filters, pet hair attachments, bagless you know out like that? No I just require it to have a good strong pull to it or live in a very fucking dusty house. Well the Hooray Henry is good all rounder and it's a reasonable price. Is that the one with the incredibly fucking cheeky face on the side? Aye that's the one. It's like a little friend with a great big long hooter. No it's just a bit too fucking cheeky for my lifestyle. I want a serious bit of kit.

Well what about a shark then? Don't be fucking deaf to this. I don't live in a fucking water tank. At that moment the Geordie Heat hotline rings. Geordie Heat hotline, how can I help you, spet? It's me, Mr Sting, from the massive house with the massive drive and the massive argon powered lawnmower. And I have got a right cob on, so don't dare mess us about. Oh hello Mr Sting. Attitude. Sorry Mr Sting what appears to be the nature of your emergency? My neighbour has thrown a bag of dog dirt under my paddock and I believe this to be a major incident. I require full forensics

in hazmat suits, road blocks and a trans-event full of sniffy dogs. I cannot live like this but you seem to think that I should. I never said it's acceptable Mr Sting. Now have you secured the bag for evidence reasons? Yes I've placed it under one of my gold buckets and put a bag of spuds on top. That bag ain't going nowhere soon. Well done Mr Sting. Yes, I know. I'm very forensic aware. You might want to put my name forward for a trophy or a scroll. I'm not bothered so long as it's massive. Well, we'll be there as soon as we can Mr Sting.

You better at be. Goodbye! Exterior Massive House, Denise, Sting and Howe are stood in the paddock next to the neighbours wall. Howe is bent down inspecting the bucket. Very nice bucket Mr Sting if you don't mind me fucking saying. I got loads of them. You can have it if you want. Howe lifts up the bucket? Oh, well, it's a very full bag. Must contain a number of movements.

Whoever did this is obviously wanted to make a statement. Aye, must be a week's worth at least. I know good terms with your neighbour. How should I know? Well, there can only be you that would know whether you're in your neighbour on fucking good terms Don't get tricksy with me I refuse to answer that question without my legal team in attendance Fucking hell

Sting, who is your neighbour? Oh it's that footballer with the bald head and dozy Alsatian dog Oh he's got a dog I see that's very fucking pertinent make a note of that PC Walsh. Will do boss do you mean Alan Shearer? Yes that's him always farting about on his shitty diesel lawnmower which is only one seat and the wheels are rubber well the wheels on mine are made of retextured bamboo clods laced with titanium ribbon. of retouched bamboo clods laced with titanium ribbon. What a loser! Sounds to me like we need to have a word with this Shearer bloke. At that moment Alan Shearer pops his head above the wall.

Alright lads how's it going? Not very well actually. What seems to be the problem? Oh as if he doesn't know. Arrest him now or forever hold your peace. Er Mr Shearer does this plastic doggy bag here belong to you sir? No it's something I do with his wife she threw it over the wall last night I'm just returning it. He's lying I have never seen that bag before and I demanded his fingerprinted to exclude Trudy from any involvement so help me God. Yes she often throws these bags over the wall so I thought at this time I'd give it back you should look inside might give you a shock oh yeah that PC will see what we're dealing with Denise unties the bag and

spills the contents on the grass oh my god it fucking stinks Jesus why is it it's fucking gruesome Denise examines the contents more closely. I can see mung beans, leaves, chickpeas, some sort of pellets and maybe some onion rings. Hold on, that's a portion of my mung bean and casserole I cooked last night. Trudy said she was going to eat it in the loop workshop. He must have broken in the loop workshop. He must have broken in and stole it. By God he's a rongin'. Well, maybe your wife doesn't like your cooking mate.

I think maybe we should have a word with your fucking wife mate. Ah, I don't know. Your lawnmower is shit mate. You gave some manual, which is a sick joke! And you will be hearing from my lawyers forthwith and with great haste! Goodbye and you two get off my land! Sting runs off. Thanks for your help Mr Shearer. I shall have a word with Mrs Sting about this and in the meantime, wish you all the fucking best with your future endeavours.

No problemo! Denise and Eddie are back in the Heat Squad car do you want to pop by Curry's have a look at some Hoovers no I'll go online I like to check the fucking reviews oh that's the end that's the he didn't send me any more scripts? There you are. It ended beautifully. I think that my portrayal of Alan Shearer was understated. It was beautiful. But also, I can tell I've been in a film can't you? It's stuck, yeah. Did the film do alright? It came out. It came out, I suppose not. Yeah, yeah, that's all you can ask for. It's out there. Do you want to have a fight? Erm, I'm not gonna have a fight. You can't just say you want to fight. Well I'm not just gonna start on you.

You know what I mean? Lee into you. That's not fair. When you ask if you want to fight you're proposing a box. I am an old man. I feel old. So thank you for having me Andrew. It's been lovely. We'll do the Topics of Interest in a separate episode for the Club Passnip subscribers. Hey, do you reckon Blond Mon just a living on the scene? Oh, right, nah, I'm going. Nah, I'm going. Ta-ra! If you make your purchases while working, eating or even listening to this walk, then you know and love the excitement of the shopping. But are you afraid of getting the best deal? The members of Rakuten, they, yes. They store the brands they like and make important savings, in addition to cash returns.

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