Athletico Mince - Ep. 18 - Kiss The Buckle

Episode Date: July 8, 2016

The Alderman gets a new belt, Andy gets some dubious legal advice, Steve and Roy are on the decks and there's some red hot grouting chat. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Music You alright, honky-tonk? Yeah, alright, that's quite a blowy sigh. That's quite warm in here, so I thought I'd try and bring a bit of cool air in it. It's a's little flourish. So what's calling this week? I'm Papa Colconuts, Daddy Spanners, Gentle Henry, do you like Appi Knackers, Mr Boyling Hot, Mr Park and Ride, of course, Dr Hot, Dr Hot, Dr White, Dr Hot, I'd like to stick

Mr Park and Ride for another week. It's a good name. I don't want to dismiss it too soon because I think it's got a bit of life left in it. Could I possibly agree to it? Lieutenant Parking Ride? I'm not there. I'm not there. I'll consider that.

I'll consider that not today though. I'll chew it over. Just chew it about. It just makes the sound a bit more important. Okay, not for today. It's Mr Parking Ride. Right. How are you all right? Yeah, not bad. It's just, um, twitching on now, we're, theme music there that we have, the far eastern

thing, you know, we've got the long-standing message to the far east that we come in peace. We don't mean any harm. I think it's starting to bear fruit a little bit on, on the global stage. Um, the striker, uh, Hulk, uh, Hulk, big massive ass. Hulk, place for a player for Zenit St Petersburg. Yeah. Big ass Hulk. He signed for a team in the Chinese Super League who's near my company, but that find out and where behind that direct. Well, he signed for them

for a fee of 46.2 million pounds. Whoops. And Hulk is going to be on 320 grand a week. Wow. All I'm seeing seeing is the dawn at the moment have a football related podcast in China. And I think, look which way of the winds blow and I think we could fill that gap. Okay. And that can quickly, can you learn to speak Chinese? I don't think, I need to.

I think I can wing it by just doing the accent a bit. 40, what was it? 40 million. So, what was it? 46 million. 46 million for fast Brazilian. What is about one third ass? Just go that many goals. One third ass, so they're paying about 17.5 million for his ass.

Yeah. That's pricey, isn't it? And 320 grand a week for whatever he needs. Execute the ass plumped up. Pricey, but they say ass meat is delicious. It's the best of all meat. Yeah, it's the best sweetest cut. Mm-hmm. So what we up to today, Andy, do you want me to crack off?

Um, yeah, go on. All right. All we got for us. Oh, can I just ask, is the only way to open champagne bottle to hit it with a ship? Oh, is that the most popular way? Yeah. But there are other ways, I believe. Oh, okay, I just wanted to clear that up and I just quickly wanted to say I'm not a millionaire so I wouldn't know

Oh, here we go. I just quickly wanted to say that I ordered a chicken and I ordered some eggs from a card or so I'll let you know which one Yeah So you joke well do you like would you accept that as a joke? Yeah, I'm pretending to accept we just don't go out the way and I'm gonna deal with any more of them later on. Alright. Done. Fine. Lovely. Anywhere. Are we saying that real Winston is going to be in the Wombles?

I saw a picture of him in the world Womble, but that's... What's that about? What do you do, loves the vegetable. I'll come in on the fucking Wombles. Sorry. So it's going to be the voice of a Womble. He's going to be the voice of a Womble It's going to be the voice of a Wumble. You're playing that Chris, playing that pal.

Yeah. Because I'll give you a end if you like. Now what I mean? Yeah. I'm going to make myself understood. That's sort of thing. So they're upgrading it, are they? They're advertising it.

Well, they've got to be. I've never been to Winston doing it. Yeah. Is they say he smokes, they say he's a lovely man. I wouldn't disagree with that. It's what he waited in life, in it that, you know, like, you know, Frankie Boyle, you know, on stage and that. He's aggressive, don't know that.

Wonderful, well-mannered. A love-luck. Like tender fella. Lovely tender fella. But he's big, it's really soft to the touches, all of it. I haven't touched his baby, he might have a couple of little black birds eggs in there. It's good, right?

It's a beauty. McLaren. McLaren, do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do through very similar experiences we need to put the pass behind because I don't know if you remember the last time that they met up in the snare expo all over Roy all over Roy and he's thrown out the house and so on well he phone him what we said let's put the pass behind us let's put the pass behind us so they arranged again for a writer come round for dinner and Steve obviously by a nice short, had a nice short sleeved shirt on that the fat lass had brought him. When he arrived, Roy, to break the ice, he says, that bloody snake isn't allowed, is it?

That, you know, just to break the ice. So they're left a bit and everything seemed more comfortable. And Steve actually, Steve actually, I just made me answer, I'm seeing it. All afternoon, I'm seeing it. Wasn't about don't worry the voices fake one for that as it were. It's fake. Anyway so the fat lass it's just leaving gonna let him along I've like a boy's night

that's not a vibe. Xbox Gipskins. Yeah give Steve a little peck on his arm just be low asleep that's where she likes to kiss him. She says I've done a toast mountain a big panorbeens. I'll see you later and says oh and I tied it up your DJ room In case you wanted to show Roy all your the your DJ equipment and that so she waddles out and Her and the other big girls. They were having a night out at Flames Disco. Yeah, Flames Disco It was cult and 45s night. You know where the older lassas can make the younger fellas.

Yes, so it off she went anyway, so soon she's gone. Steve says, let's hate these beans really quick, I've got someone sure you're right. So he wanted to sure, right, all his DJ stuff, he's got like deck, mixer, two massive speakers. So they're fanning about, I'm sorry this is going on and on it. Has he got the lights that go along the bottom, no, this is quite like... Very coloured lights. I'm going to call it, no, it's an upgrade. Is he more club DJ than, you know, when's the discourse and contemporary urban? Yeah, proper. You know, he downloads stuff from SoundCloud and that mixes everything.

And so, this start, he says to rice says, Roy what's your favourite song? And Roy says that one, you know, I've got a brand new con, boy, traveling through that. He likes that and Steve says, I don't know, I'm doing something like that. So he gets a beat going and so the start trying to fit in a got a con void did you travel in through the night? Did sort of thing, and the notice that one of the speakers is really dead, it's really dull and stays out of Christ's sake.

Me last, she's tired, you know what I mean? She's pressed the speaker right up against the wall. So she's moved it about, let's have a look in, let's have a look in Let's have a look inside it's all I wonder what I could This is what happens on the pull it around turn around take the back off it so the take the back off it You know what's in there though. Yeah, bloody yellow snake isn't it? The big yet stays big yellow snake so the first thing you see is being smacked about by the bears So he's fucking malt upsetting his tummy and all that.

They open it up, Roy looks in, he thinks it's some sort of raptor. All of a falcon of something. Bang, spews up. And because he's like restricted, it came in bursts. Yeah. Scattergun, all over. All over, Roy's first, all over All over Rice first all over Steve shirt. So once again, it was a bloody disaster

Absolutely Zaster and then what up after that? Well, I just go home Well, I tell you what I'm gonna leave it there because I you know I the story does go on but leave it there because I'm just It's football news here. There's been a Bosnian fella. Yeah, and he wants to Sorry does go on, but leave it there because I'm just going on and on and on. Where will my combat of that later on? It's football news here, there's been a Bosnian fella and he wants to start supporting an English club. Yeah. But he doesn't know which one, so what he did was he wrote to all 92 English clubs

and just said, why? This is struck by them, why or why? Should I support you? All right, bit forward I think. Did he get any replies? He got a 10 replies, the best reply he got was from Everton, which gave him a 512 page dossier about why it's great to be an Everton fan in 2016. And I think he's chosen Everton. I think because they made the most effort. But if he dusted you, why you should become a borough fan, what would you have said?

Well, at this moment in time, it he should become a borrower fan, what would you have said? Well, at this moment in time, it's exciting times for Middlesbrough, in the transfer market. But mainly I have said, have you seen the unique new feature we've got on the front of our kit, the Wavy line? Yes. That's going to be a paylter. I'll pretend I off. Yeah, well, that's going to be a paylter for a Bosnian. Do you think? Yeah, of course it is. Do you know those, those... Bought on yourself in the mind of a Bosnian here? Yeah, a Bosnian's fighters are peaceful. Love us. They're lovers.

Love us not fighters. Well, we got a good looking squad. We got a gorgeous George friend. Have you seen how gorgeous he is? He's beautiful, listen to him. He's beautiful. He's kissed the older man, you know? How about he has?

Honestly, he has. Oh, that's happening on the tea side. Yeah. Do you know what? There's not much I'm afraid to say, and it's something I'm very proud of at the same time There's no reason really to support middle's bread unless you throw middle's bread and that's fine by us Yeah, you don't want any

You know newcomers come along and spoil and things I'm not bothered to understand and the customs Yeah, yeah, you have I'm generally not will fill the stadium. I'm not bothered about buzz news Yeah, we're full of stadium. Did you feel the Steadyham in the championship? No. Oh, so a lot of part time is going to rock up, either. Well, you know, do you know how many... It's Chelsea used to getting, 1980 to 1985. I've been to attendance.

No, to you. 17,000. Do you know what I mean? That's a bit of a memory of the thing you've got going on there, isn't it? You actually revealed a statistic. But there you go. So, Mr. Park and Ride. Hello. Dr. Ockler. Ockler? Ockler? Is it not Ockler? Ockler. Do you like his pizzas?

I'm quite partial of them, yeah. Yeah. You find that you don't find them a bit thin. They do the job. They're just like an emergency pizza, I think. Yeah. Do you know what the currently priced at up the Asda? Quid. One pound for a Dr. Oct. Yeah. I bet you know what, I wouldn't be surprised if the cardboard boxes cost some on the ingredients. Probably does. But anyway, I just wanted to say that did you know that the original Dr. Oct. Dr. Oct. Yeah.

The original Dr. Oct. was a member of the Waffen SS. Oh. Absolutely true. Oh. And the, um, his son who took over just after the war calling Oscar. No, he's called Richard actually Richard Ocker He is very firm as well because he was kidnapped put in a coffin that had electrode not Andy. This is true. I wouldn't say if it wasn't

With electrodes in it so that if he screamed or if he moved he got he got shocks and I'll cut a long story short they paid the ransom and the man buried it in the woods right the coffin with the fellow in it no released him he still he still he still suffers from the injuries he received to his ribs because of the electric shocks right and he buried the money in the in the woods years later he retrieved the, only half of it was still intact and was arrested when he tried to cash the money in England. Right.

And if you want to learn more about that story, Christopher Waltz, is he called the actor? He played the kidnapper in a movie of it. So that's something for us all to remember next time before that equid for a Dr. Ocker pizza. Yeah, Dr. Ocker. Dr. Ocker. Dr. Ocker. So next time we're feasting on one of them we can revel in that the life of story of fascism and Kidnap kidnap. Yeah, a electric kidnap. Tell you what I saw washing up for 99 pennsy of the deer. Did you buy it? Doesn't seem possible. Was it round dogs or rectangular? It was rectangular. That is a good buy though, isn't it? Isn't it?

Well, if it holds up, it is. Well, why wouldn't it hold up? It's probably you put three green and whatever. I don't know. I'd feel suspicious. I would feel as if I wasn't living properly if I'd bought one of them. Yeah.

Do you use your washing up ball? I do. Yeah. Do you? Yeah, I think. Do you know what I don't? I've got a dishwasher. I've got a dishwasher.

Yeah, a German one, actually. Yeah. And if you did have don't? I've got a dishwasher. Yeah, German one actually. Yeah. And if you did have a washing of barley, you wouldn't spend 99 pennson at Woodjew. I would not, you know how I like the sound of that. I can't see what possible difference it would be between a 99 P1 and a... You think that, but I bet there is. What thinness, you looking at it. A bit of thinness, just overall dissatisfaction.

Oh, I tell you what can happen with the cheap ones. I've seen this happen. You get a beautiful vibrant red that really enhances your kitchen. So what's different in this kitchen? It looks amazing. It's like a new build. It's fantastic.

And you don't sell, but you know it's because of that bright red. Just glance across a bit. That bright red washing up, but we've got it. Yeah, but over the cheap ones, over the years, they, they, they, I'll call it pinking. Yeah. You know, like if it's, if it's a red one, would you agree with me there, you lose a bit of the vibe, don't you see? We have similar thing, the steering malight, sunland with the seats, lots of old seats were red. Yeah. When we opened the ground

and they're all pink now, because the sunlight, because of the sunlight, the seats at the steering malight are probably made from the same stuff as a 99-pens washing up wall. Isn't it about time SAFC replaced them and made the place look neat and tidy? I'm not bothered because you know what, the seats are going to be full each and every week. So we won't say them? Yeah, full and miserable Braxitas.

Oh, yours. I'll be being doing any observation comedy, I think. I've got a little bit. Yeah, I've got to be a routine. Isn't it great though? Set. Let's see you set. All right, all right, we'll go. Do you remember where you used to get your fish and chips

wrapped in actual newspaper? Well, you made them stop doing it when they banned page three girls. No wonder we all would leave. Leave. They'll be forced you just to get the same front door key next so we don't get call restists. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you identify with that? Yeah. I tell you all you don't see much of these days. The mobile butcher used to come round and his little van full of meat and you'd be able to get in the back with him And it was a tight squeeze and he let you do the chop in yourself and then you drive off together and bury the bits in the woods

And he dropped me off behind the pre-sig to the end Yeah, I'm gonna you yeah, you're a kid that's my child, oh, yeah, I'm trying to get a catch for his corn as well Go on then look is that your sister? Can I have it? Has it been on the floor? I'm not bothered if it has. Well, is it a bit long? It's a bit long.

It's not snappy enough. Right. But shit, it's got a lot of content. There's a lot going on there, isn't there? It's at a little play. Yeah. I know those two people already, and I feel to put it in this conversation, isn't it?

Yeah. You want to build on me, sir? Would you do me a favour? Build on that story for me for next week. What happens next? All right. Yeah. At the moment, I'm saying, I was supposed to draw this dropped and someone's perfectly happy to continue with the transaction. Well, it's dropped, but he's asking if it's been on the floor. So maybe he's saying it dropped and then the other person picked it up and just don't tell us that. Oh, no. Let's go. All right. You're on the right. You're going to be the one who got the wrong end of the stick and just... Don't tell us that... Oh no, let's find out. Alright, you're on the correct you'd be I thought you got the wrong end of the stick.

Is that your set? Is that your foil? That's it, yeah. Well, I went and pictures a couple of times this week. Right. The movies. Do you call it the films? Are the movies and cinemas? Yeah, the pictures. So if you could set your son,

you'd open the cupboard door, where he is and you'd say, like, did your fans go into the... To the pictures and you'd say, what do you fancy going to the to the pictures and you say what do you mean dad? I'll say the cinema. So you say pictures, he says cinema. Yeah. Oh I've got it's a generation thing. Yeah. You take them much. I suppose you have to go see it. Wait, yesterday actually. What's you going to see? The secret life of pets. It was a good. Box standard. No, bang average. I thought that might be a cheeky one, a good one. It's tried hard but it wasn't very good

Well, I've got teenagers because I went to see Independence Day. Oh the action films Yeah, actually all the action films and the conjuring to which is hollow is that what the conjuring to oh the conjuring Yeah, it's like a follow-up movie. There was a conjuring now. There's the conjuring to do a buff I they were buff would... Todd? Yeah. Todd-ish. Right.

Todd-y. Four out of ten. Do you know what I give independence day six, and I'd give the conjuring five? And that's the end of movie spot? No, but I'm just in the talk. It's an intro, so... I do.

Yeah. My observation comedy. do you write in some gags while you were sat there bored shitless I thought that use it as the theme right you know do you want to just get on with it all right good evening I do you have an artist I'm doing your voice though aren't I don't know I've ever noticed that when you ask for a rock dog at the cinema do you remember that dogs? Do you remember that dogs? Yay! I've ever noticed they always say it's not ready you'll be about 20 minutes 20 minutes 20 minutes does that not happen we

old? Oh well this is shit, this is no good props already. Well they always with me they also be about they put a little prod in it and say it'll be about... Oh right this is sure that this is no good, Rob's a version. You have them already? Well, they always, with me, they always say, they'll be about, they'll put a little prod in it and say it'll be about, I'm either saying, that's not a cook chicken. No, this is, honestly, ruining the story. Sorry, I'm, I'm, I'm distracting. It's the 20 minutes, the film about the monkey will have started.

And he looks, and he looks at you, as if he's a free diamond or something. And you look down and some kid is stuck and I'm sticking on your brass handle. It's happening to you. Yay! I'm one bad boy, I've decided I didn't read a basic error if people don't normally work for the hot dogs.

I'm fucked with that as observation. Anyway, have you ever noticed that when the film gets really bright the light reflects off your brass and and the block next year looks at you like you're an immigration officer and tells you it's any fun off otherwise why could change the voice I'll get back there I'll get back I've got an artist I joling the quiet parts of the film? Everyone starts rustling the sweets and popcorn. Do you remember popcorn? But as soon as you want to screw your brass end, it's all a glass unmanned turn it down. A Mr Hardham's leave it out. You notice that? Have you noticed that? Yeah! My wife saw that. When she fell down the stairs, I thought he stung us resending.

That's just a joke, that one. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do What wild animal would you like to cuddle best of all if you could cuddle any wild animal? I'm a dillow. Oh, you cuddle, it's rock hard, isn't it? I know it is. So what does that say about you? Why would a cedar be a cuddly animal? You could get cuddly toys down the shops. You'd often get the chance to cuddle something the tard.

Well, you know, exactly because cuddling hard things isn't really where the pleasure lies is it you know Well, what you think the cuddling a big long strip of conduit or a drain pipe or a wall You just get a bit of wood couldn't you go together a wood could a lot? Well, what you think is says about you saying that the out of all the creatures on the earth you're like a cuddler freaking out Wood Yes, a bit of shape towards well obviously I asked because I'd like to tell you that I would like to you know if the tranquilizer tiger yeah I'd like to cuddle it you know and it's breathing right put me arms round a great big

tiger are you one of them twats then what because that's what there I know, isn't it? It's close to dangerous nature. Oh, no, it's quite like that. Not totally out of it. Smack it on the edge, but I don't want you to do. Give it whiskey. Give it whiskey. Kim alive.

Yeah, I suppose. Kim back alive. Yeah. Took your head off. Yeah. Do you remember that bear escaped in about 1980? In Miss Country. In this country? Yeah, it was Scotland.

Right. Hercules the bear and that fella used to wrestle it. Right. And it escaped and it was on the run for about three weeks. Yeah. And they found it. This spotted it from early copter and tranquilised it. Oh, I wish you were going to, I was really open.

You were going to say, the spotted it from the end. It's set up a little camp. No, no. They tranquilised it and returned it to the bottom of the man. up a little camp. No, no. It tranquilised it and returned it back to the man. Yeah. And you can get a wrestler. So that's just a story of a tranquilised, I- That's just my best tranquilised story.

Yeah. I liked it. I liked it, well enough. I've got some questions for you. Go on then. For a blood relic of mine. Bob, that is a millionaire. Etc.

When you buy in a birthday present for a pile, who doesn't have as much money as you have, for example, someone who's birthday might be next choose here, for example, see me. Yeah. Would you get them something simple and cheap so that they don't feel obliged to return the gesture or it's your birthday? Or do you put four 50 quid notes in their card

and lord it up like a twat? I just, what was the first option? Sorry. Just something cheap and simple. Really cheap, really simple. Mm, right, it doesn't matter about that. And as a millionaire, Bob, when you go to the award ceremonies or the movie premieres at the pictures in London's West End,

do you buy the other price sweets in the four year or do you smuggle your own in? So created a way in a hidden compartment of your Tuxedo jacket that's been specially created for you by your blind Taylor slave who you call your stitch mouse. I don't have a stitch mouse. Are you trying, is there a new, is there a new anglia that you're trying to suggest I'm tight? Is that what you're saying?

Whatever the angle is, is it for me? I just want to answer you. You can just, Whatever the angle is, is it for me? I just want to know, you can just... Neither. Just answer the question. It was a simple question. All right, and is it...

The more side to it. It is a simple answer, well, I mean, the reality is, when I got the cinema by a hot dog in a drink, to the movie premieres and the awards ceremony, so I'm not talking about going to the movies. I don't go. I've never been to a movie premier in my life. Really?

Really. Next one, come on. Right, okay. Is it true that you were present at the Alderman's recent Visecdomy reversal operation, along with the other members of the parish council gang, and which was carried out on a massive banquet in Tehrbull while feasting and frolicking went on all around? I'm very fond of the Alderman, I do kiss the Alderman, I'm not aware of any such ceremony, nor was our present as such a ceremony. Did he dance a jig on the banquet in table after the operation and roar? The little Oldhamman

is back on the starting grid. There was no ceremony, there was no special meal, there was no operation on the Oldhamman that I'm aware of, thank you Andy. Your silent speaks volumes. Is that it, is it? Yes. All right, well I'll hit you with the wife's questions And as you've started questioning The wife's these wife's questions you remember not me. Yeah, right. Yeah, you are yeah Andrew apart from the way you dress and look have you ever committed and been charged with a crime? ever committed and being charged with a crime. No comment. So you are then, yeah?

No comment. I have, well why wouldn't you say I'd be charged with? This is what they do on 24 hours in custody. But no comment. Okay. That can be a solicitor for a second. Go on then. Don't answer that question.

No comment. Good lad. So you're the inquisitor and the solicitor. Are you serious too? I know you did. Yeah. I used to do that I used to still love the skills nice to whisper over in the rear no comment don't be a doth come no comment anyway so um Andrew you sound a bit dozy a bit, a bit dim-witted, but you're also quite uppity, a bit hearty and snobbish. So tell me Andrew, do you like comic books because I reckon you do? I shall answer this one. No, there's a list of God.

Please be the slister again. I think it's probably best to answer that one. Oh, she's nailed you. So you're a comic book kid, are you? No, I've read some in the past. Are you in your, this is my question. Right. I'm on. I'll follow up next week if you want. You're a comic book kid. No, I've read some comic books in I will be... When I was younger. Listeners, I promise you, how on earth that I will investigate fully this comic book addiction that he's got. He's a comic book guy. He'll not. It's nothing happened. Final question from the wife.

If you sleep on your front, do you work up the sore tits? I don't have to go and use the list at the... I'm just asleep because it's a slightly sexual nature of the question I think you're about really think you should answer everyone As you should answer, or shall I say though? Just answer truthfully, it's always best So are you going to answer? If you sleep on your front, you work up with saltets

I sleep on my front because if I sleep on my back it's generally quite hard for a turn over When you're on your front, you work with sore tits. I sleep on my front because if I sleep on my back, it's generally quite hard for us to turn over. Because of immense weight. Okay. There's the answers to why it will be very, very grateful. You mentioned the old man then, would you like to hear what's up?

I've right up there, have a comic book, bye. Do you want to hear about the old man? Yes, the latest. So I'm on Wednesday. So we're up in Stockton. You can't bear a lot to hear you in the old man. Yes, I already worked again. Did you know, this is something you can investigate. You can get me on. Did you know that my father was you can investigate, you can get me on.

Did you know that my father was called Charles Stockton Mortimer, his father was called Charles Stockton Mortimer, and the great-great-grandfather operated the bus company, the first bus company Stockton to Dalton, before the trends get in. Did the name Stockton after in Musselming? Is that what you're saying? Well, no, except for this. And owned half of Stockton on Tees. And when the shit off, yeah, the shit off. When I was a little boy, I used to go around with me,

Dad, collecting the rents. Did you? Yeah. Right, go to the door. You like the sound of that, don't you? For sure, little landlord. Yeah, a lot of the loading.osh, yeah. Yeah. Landlord. Oh, Daddy, these...

Yeah, look at those ruffians playing with hoops. Take their money. Why are they kicking that tin can? I know, that's what. Anyway, I just thought you were my lights and so I was up in Stockton. I'll be using that on the future as well. Yes, I know. When I was out for a meal at Maddox, do you know the country club Maddox?

In Stockton, I've never been to... Alright All right, all right, if I just wondered. It's a nice player, Sandy, it's like near a golf course, you can probably picture it. And I've been even, you know, the Oriental Buffet, or you can just have men menu, or, and this is what I like about Maddox, you can just have a few bar snacks, they have a little thing that says, you know,

court mix and match, yeah? Court dare to share. All of this pertinent to the... Yeah, yeah, no, typical of Maddox, that kind of attitude, you know, caught mix and match, yeah? Quote, dare to share. All of this pertinent to the... Yeah, yeah, no. It's typical of Maddox, that kind of attitude, you know, it's quite stuffy looking place, but they're not able to make you laugh. I can't, you know, like mix and match, dare to share,

that sort of thing. Anyway, I was just in a, like a world of me-owned, just sat there, eating a hot dog starter from the main menu. Right, and there's a bit of a rumpus in walks. Yes, done, done, done, done. The older man, the older man. All this cronies, yeah. And it is important. So he's wearing dark blue slacks and they look a bit loose around the, around the waist. Right. And a tight brown pull or knackers, quite nice looking in it. Yeah. And they're all laughing, joking, filling the plates up there, waiting for it to buffey, filling the plates up

at the buffet. And I've got to be honest with you, I couldn't help noticing that for a big bloke has got quite a nice, still got quite a nice, you defined us. Yeah. You know, sometimes bigger fellas are losing it. Yeah, I'm poor.

But he kept it tight. Yeah, not bad. And anyway, so I just kept me, I didn't come to bother with him and his cronies and all that. And they got the big round table in the middle of the room. And the town clerk gives that little speech and the presenter gift to the old him and yeah, turns out it's a big leather belt with a massive like on it, buckle on it. Right. So I wonder I thought it's just slacks a little bit low. So he puts it on, stands up and he says, Mortimer, buckle on it, right? So I wonder if I thought it's just, it's a little bit low, so he puts it on, stands up,

and he says, Mortimer, come over here lad. Oh, shit, he's saying me. So I go over like a bit sheepish, she and I'm mumbled some about, I'm gonna butterology or some, just, you know, some like, take the heat off of me or whatever. And is there something you want?

Yes, and I thought, she would to be honest, because of the house, or whatever. Is there something you want? Yes, and I thought, chin hood to be honest, because of the arse, I think. I said I wouldn't say no, or kiss to be honest. Yeah, you know, the arse of picture and arse. That's something,

because I said, yeah, there is actually, I wouldn't mind it a little kiss. So I leaned in all the cronies, the town clerk, kissed the aldermen, kissed the aldermen, kissed the aldermen,

then I got the shock of him like, no! Kiss the buckle! New belt, right? So they all chuck, kiss the buckle, kiss the buckle. So I thought, I'm worried but I will do. So I knelt down in front of him. Well, I know it's quite near the arse. I know, and I'll be honest with you, I wasn't going to say this,

but as I was down on his buckle, I was holding an arse. We're in the round, we're on his arse. Yeah, I tell you, a lot firmer than you think. Yeah. Do you know when you're testing stakes and to say you press it in a different, you know, it would be like, it would be quite well done. Yeah. So you pushed your thumb into it,

with the juice. Yeah, I was garrisoned. I couldn't help but like, pushing fingers into it, pushed your fingers into it, didn't it? Well, he doesn't really, he's quite a cold fish. I don't know whether that's what keeps everyone so. But anyway, so I'm down there, I'm in these, like moulding his ass, like a little cat-stove, you know what I mean. And I give his buckle a really nice long kiss best as I could and it smelled a bit bit like miso soup down there so finished I thanked him you know a bit disappointed obviously and I thought I really fancy some miso soup now because of the smell from the buckle area and all that so I swap from the oriental menu to

the from the main menu to the oriental buffet. Can you do that? That's the fucking, that's the thing Andy, so come the end of the night. I was charged for both main menu and for the buffet because I'd swap between them. What, they don't just charge you for the higher one? No, I'd just tell you what. So I ain't going to Maddox again. No, I'm not a good one, they're good one, but yeah, that's a rip off that like so last I'm

gonna say that my last meal at Maddox. There you go. Never going there again. No way baby. That's a shame. So what else have we got? Well, the fact that you have a establishy credentials yet is the memory mind. You're being quite backwards and coming forwards with that this week and he plays for the viewers and for me I think at 17 times now I've established my credentials as a memory man with footballs that's 1876 today right so play I'm not willing to do it. You want to back off from that day yeah I'm not give us another subject. Alright because it's not all strictly football on the podcast so exactly. How about how are you thinking something? So in machines,

unsuying machines. I'll give it a stab as long as it's post post wall. You don't get a little down the level. I'm telling you what I'm telling you what my expertise is. And I'm willing to say, singer, so I don't know, I don't know. I'll give you one on a singer.

Right. I don't want to I don't know. I'll give you one on a singer. All right, come on in. Do memory month. Hi. Do you remember the year in which singer? Here we go. Issued the very first electrical sewing machine. Seven, long suck on the crap pipe. There are probably things like that.

Yes, yes I do. Manboo ring man. Oh, what about that bang boom crash? That's put me in the corner, isn't it? And it though. See, that was a bit more fun as well. Silence, you like silence. Silence?

What are you like? Silence, silence. Silence, like, is the scenario right? Oh, says Andy. Bloody silence come off from the top of the sink, so. I better redo it. Oh, it's got a bit of moldy. Oh, yeah, and it's, like, yeah.

So, imagine, first of all, as it first peels, you just press it in a bit, see if that works. But when you, it it's like yeah, so I imagine first of all as it first peels you just press it in a bit Yeah, see if that works But when you it has to be replaced would you instinctively buy like a tube and take it from the tube Or would you always use one of the guns? I use a gun even for a small sink job Yeah Really? Use a gun and you know you're only good with them. Oh pretty good Yeah, and I don't use one of them tools for flattening and smoothing the nail that I just

used to be thumb. And do you wet your thumb before you do it? Well, obviously, yeah. Well, you stick up your ass first to your, is that what you do? So, all right then. All right then. Do you have a choice in what do you, do you, are you bothered like about whether it's water based or silicon based or whether it's, whether it's transparent or white or, I, I,

I choose a white silicon burst sealant every time. Is that because you've got a white bathroom swathing? Yeah, that's why that is, yeah. But if you did have a black one, like I do. Oh, if you did? Yeah, a black bathroom. Yeah, black bath, black sink, black toilet. Yeah, if you did, would you use transparent or black?

With that. I can't even imagine it. I can't envisage what that would be like because I've never been in a black bathroom. You've got any floor tiles, you know, like tiles or whatever. Where's this pool? No, I just thought you've got the tiles. It's tile-in, yeah.

And what, and you're grouted, yeah? The grouted, obviously, yeah. Is the grout-send colours tiles or? No. No, so what, what, what, what, what, are the grouted obviously. I is the grout sent colors tiles or no no so what what's your tiles? tiles gray grouten gray grouty. Yeah, why did you plum for that? It was the house came like that I'd pretty much see if you could in the light in your big wild dreams you big silly Daff dreams would you like to change it to white? If I had half a day of spare and if you could in the bank, I'd probably do it myself and regrow it. When you do it white, you'd be wrong.

Really? You'd be so wrong. Because as you use, do you have a mop or a sponge or something you wash off? Yeah, I do. Do you have one of those big sponges? It's like a foot. Wish me some of this.

It's a shaped like a human foot. You wash it with a... I have a mop. All the shit, soaks into the grout. And you know, if you put white grout in, you'd have gray grout within probably two months anyway. Well, you've got to be like two months, so wouldn't it? Yeah, we'll be quite...

So who's the loser? It's not me. Yeah, you could imagine you're like in a bather with those tiles, you know, those cool, tied that are cool on your face. I've been to a bather here, I can't imagine. I've never been to a bitha Island wise Island wise. I've been to me yorka take that I've been in minorka. What are you thinking about that? No, it sounds better than me. It sounds better

You want to you want to go again? Islands you've been to okay. I've been to parrot key island and Turks and karkos You've met that up. I have Ireland and Turks and K. Kos. You've met that up. I have not. And you know what I was saying now? When I was saying now? Was it, um, go really, really big. Grimlessor.

Oh, for God's sake, really, really big. Did you drop it? Robert De Niro. Whoa! And at the bar, Mr Mr Keith Chegwin. Mr Keith Richards, top that for an island retreat. I went the cost. Alright, yeah.

That's where the story ends. It was there. Just me. For your potatoes. Just me on me on. Well, if you had the whole of cost to yourself. Well, I was not just me in the room. You have had a nice time there

on your own in costs. It was kind of a kind of a rehab sort of vibe. Yeah. You know you just need to go away somewhere and you're on for a week. Oh you did. You did one of them, did you? Yeah. Okay. Just made me comic, not a no. Comic books, I cannot word. I really, I can't word. Did you watch Topgate this way? I've only watched the first Topgate of this new series. Oh, have you not seen any more, cause it's finished now. All right, so over there.

It's finished now, and Timmy Maltz left. As he? Yep, I think they bring a wacky day of background channel four. Yeah. Next door to him, so he's concentrating on that, but it was really good, the last one. Timmy and East Sidekick, you know, Kriama from San Feld, they went out on the BMXs on the last one and the try to see who would do the biggest, blow the biggest bubble, bubble gum, while they were doing the wailing at

the same time. That's hilarious, Kriama was doing his wailing, he had bubble gum and someone, someone, the time on the bushes and the stick through he spokes, and he went arse over it, right, a time on the bushes and the stick through his spokes, and he went ask over to it, but the the friend that it was, yeah I love that's the any wacky stuff, it's brilliant, isn't it the best finished now though? Oh it's finished now and Timmy's been given the, the L- no Timmy's chosen a leaf, oh he's chosen to leave, I think, but I do whack it there, right in the morning, nothing to do with our behaviour, Dorend, no no, no, but here of your He's chosen to leave. I think he's chosen to leave. He's chosen to leave. I think he's chosen to leave. I think he's chosen to leave.

I think he's chosen to leave. I think he's chosen to leave. I think he's chosen to leave. I think he's chosen to leave. I think he's chosen to leave. I think he's chosen to leave. I think he's chosen to leave. I think he's chosen to leave.

I think he's chosen to leave. I think he's chosen to leave. I think he's chosen to leave. I think he's chosen to leave. I think he's chosen to leave. I think he's chosen to leave. I think he's chosen to leave. I think he's chosen to leave.

I think he's chosen to leave. I think he's chosen to leave. I think he's chosen to leave. I think he's chosen to leave. I think he's chosen to leave. I think he's chosen to leave. I think he's chosen to you eating the football league period here each year well I haven't got time to do it now but I just hang that back for next week. Well just to remind me of course in the future I when I was at university actually I did something in the penalty area perfectly legal within the rules of association football and scored an incredible goal and subsequently it turns out that if this move got into the public domain it

would kind of be the end of football because as soon as the ball was in a pantheory you could score a goal. So I'm paid in a new and a newity by the football authorities every single year to keep me mouth shut But I've decided to use a 30 comments to reveal what it is to reveal what it is We'll do that at some point in the future We'll do that, probably do that next week if you want Along I think there might be a lot of stuff about comic books next week

You're reckon Yeah, that would very much What's the lobby speaking? Into me solicitor after this and there'll be an injunction And hey, yeah I'm not a real solicitor. Fuck. So, I've got a song for them.

Well, I've got a song, I mean, I kind of got a song. It was just, it actually came out of the DJ session that right. And Steve added the house. And it goes, if you remember it, we got a brand new car and Voy, that's the tune alright so there's was a little bit more jazzy at all the sort of sounds mixing and all right but I'll just sing it like the original right all right also fat last bought me a short sleeve it's a plain blue comfort fit it came with two spare buttons and a voucher for some wicker

shit then Roy comes in yeah fat last bought him a short sleeve with sweat holes in each pit it better be quick dry nylon cos it's covered in reptile sick do you I mean I it's alright I am sworn during it it might have been better if it had the the beats and the the grooves fat last bought it and yeah I can't do that. Well I've enjoyed seeing it. Mr Park and Ride. So is there anything else we can add to this? It's been quite troubling this one I think. Well it's got it hiding here isn't it? It is but I feel emotionally battered. Yeah you're right. The comic book stuff. There's a look on your

face. It's been joked by a solicitor there. Yeah. I'm not comfortable right now. Do you know, have you seen that to murder thing about the rich American, that blog? What's it called, Annie? Could you just stop talking? No, please let me see. You know, the rich American blog

who killed three people or something. Is this part of Bob's Crime Club? No, you know what you've seen it, the fella. He was a proper, the son of a property magnet in America. Oh, Robert Ders. Robert Ders. Yeah. Now, do you remember the moment in that one,

they showed him the envelope and he's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, when he realises he's being found out. Yeah. That was the exact look on your face. That's exactly how I feel. When you revealed your comic book addiction. God.

Thank you. Never been up here. Bastard. It's hockey season and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get a nice rank on Uber Eats. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain-o-lice? Yes, we deliver those. Gold tenders no, but chicken tenders yes,

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