Athletico Mince - Ep. 42 – Ding Dong, Landlord Here

Episode Date: April 28, 2017

Fresh tales of the Alderman and the Man United gang, a flurry of songs, and more from Barry Homeowner. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Wow! And we're back! Yeah, that was a windy all of that, wasn't it? Right, yep. And say, have a look for your pulse. That was very resigned to the stadium with the next 30, 40, 50 minutes for whatever it is. 50. Do you think maybe Andy would be good idea to start the show for some other than a sigh? Just to make it feel like it's developing as a show, do you know what I mean? I mean, that we've done over 40 shows now where I've side at the beginning of the game.

Yeah, you know what I'm getting, right? Yeah. Yeah. Maybe, maybe next time. All right, well, I think something different. You've given a sigh, so it's my duty to assess it. Yes, please. Obviously, what I was thinking,

if this was a real good fun podcast, yeah, that was thought through. Oh, imagine that, right. There would have a jingle there, so I love to assess the sigh, and it would go, assess the sigh, don't be shy, as you know a jingle there. So I love to assess the side and it would go, assess the side, don't be shy. You know what I mean? Yeah.

And we could get Lenny Kravitz in. Yeah. Because I know Lenny. You do? Because he used to, you know, screed in. The Kravitz family, a screeders. On it. It's a concrete finishing.

And they did my swim, post-women call. Right. Not that I've got a swim pool, Andy, I know you'll jump down that. Just the men my noughts for a bit later on. Because I'll take it. Yeah. He sings, I wanna fly to the sky.

I wanna fly high. Shall I tell you why? That's brilliant, isn't it? Well, it sounds simplistic. Ha ha ha. Well, it's pretty deep, but like your swimming pool. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Funnily enough and the the deep end of my swimming pool is very deep because I dive deep.

Do you know what I mean? I don't do that I do it like vertical bang straight down the bottom. Yeah like a torpedo. You can discover new types of plant down there, tell you, long dogs. So I'll assess it with lany crab bits or not. That was enough, Andy, that was enough to blow a lentil off a hard hat. You know, if the lads have been having

falafel for lunch, Yeah. Is it full apple? I think so. But not powerful enough to cool down a hot wasp. Right. Right. Because wasps get hot just like it's all and they or to move a slice of lemon off a map. If the bit of lemon was on the part of the map,

you wanted to say that. I'm going to have to be going something, move a lemon. Yeah. What am I saying? Come be done. Be very thin slice, wouldn to. I'm going to have to be going something, move a lemon. Yeah, one of my stuff. It can be done. Be very thin slice, wouldn't it? What do you want to be called today, Andy? I'm going to give you a choice.

What's the choice, Bob? First one is Rente Bumbles. Yep. Yeah, you've labelled it because it is your fun character. Yep. I don't blame you laughing. Does he have an origin story? He's a book collector.

Right. He wears corduroy, yeah. Yep. And he once made love to a police frogman. Oh. Yeah. So he's nice character, isn't he? Yeah. Yeah. Touch, yeah, and he once made love to a police frogman. Oh, yeah, so he's nice character, and he, yeah, touch touch pater. Right. What do you think? I'll take a little bit, two touches, then he peters out.

Right, that's all the information I've got. But your heck is okay, as well. Oh, of course, the shit. It's a classic, isn't it? It's classic, the shit. The shit with tits. I'll just, I'll be the shit with tits. All it? Yeah. The shit with it. I'll just I'll be the shit with it. Alright, alright. I've got some nims for you for once. Oh great. Go on then. You can be instead of are you running on dog? No I'm not. I'm fun.

Funkey Steve. You can be curly tours. What's him? Don't want to be him. He wears those slippers with the curly tours. Turkish slippers. About town, Turkish slippers. Dorothy Flex. No. No. Or Probe Tube 55. Does it have to be 55? Yes, 55. No, there's a whole been taken off. I think there's the Hongke tongue. You can. Oh, fine. If that's all right. That's all right. It's not bothered with names next time. See, and we've just done a little fine. If that's all right. That's all right. It's not bother with names next time.

See, um, and a, we've just done a little tour. It was a little tour, yes. Did you enjoy that? I really did. It was nice to get out the house and see part of Northern Britain. Yeah. What was your favourite of the concerts? We'll call them concerts.

I'm not going to see a favourite because that would upset an alienate. The people who didn't come to them. Well, oh, good. You can say that. Second one of Manchester. Second one of Manchester, the best one, yeah. That was a good gig. Cause them drunk ones were in.

Do you know what a gig stands for? Well, you know what a gig comes from? Is it short for something? It comes from something, yeah. Tell me what it is. It comes from God is good. No, you look at your left foot out of me. I can't be.

No, in the 1920s, if the jazz, if the black jazz musicians got a gig, they used to say, God is good. And they got short and they used to say, if they got a gig, a gig, that's, if they got a concert, they'd say, got a gig. Do you believe? I'm in front of, of Google right now.

Okay. You can't make, well, literally in front of Google. I'm literally in front of it. I'm literally in front of it I work for Google but I don't tell one. It's correct in it. It is. Yes, they oh my god You learn something every yeah, you're funny pack. That's what I'm gonna call you I've got some questions for you. All right, go on from me. I'm blood relic of Bob as a millionaire in your mansion. I'm not a millionaire with its panic room It's onion museum and it's the Kravitz grade. Yeah, as a millionaire in your mansion. I'm not a millionaire. With its panic room, its onion museum, and its tiny cravets, screed. Yeah, it's swarim pool. Yeah.

Where you like to dive deep. Where do you keep your diamonds? I don't have any diamonds. I think they're, what's that word where I think they got garish. Do you know what they say? They're a word. Diamonds are beautiful. You like a diamond. You're thinking they're like rubies and diamonds. I got diamonds. Diamonds are beautiful. You like a diamond. You're thinking I like rubies and I don't like diamonds. I got a beautiful. I would never spend a penny. You can argue against that. I like jet I like blue Blue John Stone do do blue blue John stone. I like get that in your stoke All right, first Johnson paint

Yeah, in it though. Yeah, no messing about with that Does every member of your millionaire family household have their own dressing gown? Or do you let me think Yes, we all have our own dressing gown one H. Should you have a an a reivcullus I've got, well I'm getting gold pajamas for me, birthday. Oh yeah. I've ordered them luxury pajamas. Yeah. Because the wife got some white ones that look really luxurious. I didn't like that. Because I'm the boss of the Alzheimer's. So after all the gold pajamas. Yeah. So I've got, as

she said, she gets some gold, I silver ones. How many dressing gowns have you got? Sorry, I've got three dressing gowns. Okay. That's the whole mark of a millionaire, isn't it, really? Skills me, Andy, is that meant to be entertaining? Finding out how many dressing gowns I've got? Not a genuine question.

Yeah, but it's a genuine question, but there is a responsibility to entertain people as well. I don't think that is. All right, I can't open. Third question. Winter cleaning, is. Alright, turn up. Third question. Winder cleaning Bob. Yeah, big fun.

Yeah. Do you... Sprit the windows yourself with a jet hose while dressed in your little fireman's outfit? Or do you get your slaves to wash your windows? Denying them the use of a ladder and forcing them to form a human pyramid

in order to reach the upstairs windows? I don't have any slaves, so that would help. Just get new UPVC windows put in throughout the house every three weeks. Every three weeks. Every three weeks, well, I think I live rather than wash them. Well, I live in a cable good hope or something. I live in a ship. I actually, we never clean the outside of our windows.

Right. The inside we clean with, you know, with you know all right you call that stuff miss the glass break yeah no not flash break wind a spray right and kitchen purpose what about the outside no whatever will be will be on the I don't know how we go in the cleaner no one does right the truth is Andy is because of the sheer size of my house you'd have to get commercial with the cleaners in yeah. I like paying that big money for that. You're going to afford to do it. You're going to afford to do it. I could afford to do anything I want to.

There's a million rumours coming back again., that's the end of me questions Bob. Yeah, the EPL. And did you want to do EPL? Ah, that's a bit of EPL for me. I've got two money knighted stories for me enough. Two? Yeah. Just do one of them. Well, would you like to do the fishing one other to two in one?

Errr, fishing I think. Right, I'll do tattoos then. Past it. So when I was in Manchester for the gig right? Yeah. I had nothing to do so I went to this really exit. You know how you still live in Manchester. I used to live at a place called Hume, the presence in Hume, which was some of the worst houses in Northern Britain. What was your name, then?

No, I raised the standards, but it had wild dogs that had a pack of wild dogs living there. All right. I was absolutely trofefully with a great day. Yeah, and a great day was the leader of this pack. And they used to, they had one shop in the middle of it. When he came out they used to attack you and take you to try and get stuff out, you carry a bagging that, but there was one bloke there, like sort of white raster, you know, our trampar. I don't know quite what

away was coming from. And they never touched him or whatever. And I asked him, I said, what's the secret? What's the secret? He said, look, next time the country would stand absolutely still, look just above their eyes and say, Bian, Tiki, Bian. Bian, Tiki, Bian. Yeah. Do you know what that means?

I have no idea. So the next time they approached me, they sort of circled you a bit. I stared at the great day and said, Bian, Tiki, Bian. What happened? Right, came straight great day and said, Björn, Tiki, Björn. Right, came straight at me. And one of the other dogs got all the me, Carrier bag and took away a big string of sausages.

Of course it did. So what went, so I went to a tattoo palette for the day. We know when we were at Manchester doing the gigs. So I went down to Diz because that's where the really when we were at Manchester, we were on the gigs. So I went down to Ditzby because that's where the really flash when his VIP won, you know what I mean. And I thought maybe I'd get a tattoo of a grumble weed. Yeah, I could have got a slave done of all of the grumble weeds.

Well, I only had that afternoon. I was just passing time really, Andy. So I sit there, the notice I was off the tally, so I went in the back room. I got straight in there, there is, Wade, where are we, Marcus Rashford, Phil Jones, all having tattoos, having a chat, I don't know, all complaining about, I'm making a big shove of it Andy, do you know what I mean?

Like, oh, good word there. Oh, I'm knackered, you know what I mean? So I said, oh, right, Lads, you've had our training at the day then, Wade says, we are all knackered, you know what I mean? So I said, oh right, Lads, you've had our training at the day, then. The way he says, we're all knackered because I've... Give me a skull Sunday. Bleh! I've got to get knackered because I've like training.

We had to visit some shit-on community centre and pretend we gave one about their shitty drawings and fuck off, and dancing. Phil, John's, E tweets in. Charlie Williams, Charlie Williams. I was a reat board. I was a reat board. So I crept into kitchen to see how the oven worked. I'm reaking on cook and mesquenisms, especially gas, though the electric induction systems are very pleasing, do.

Is that all right? That's correct. I said, oh, and I said, it's got an interest fill. What cookers did they have? Or, were they pretty? Anyway, it was a five ring green enamel Britannia with double oven pietzoelectric ignition, timer and delay function and separate griddle with removable drip tray. I'd have a good fiddle with it. I could tell you.

Word. So anyway, it's up. Richard had a good fiddle with it, I could tell you. Word, so any wigs up, Philip left the gas rings on and was overcome with gas films and he lost consciousness. So, would haven't tattooed to him ourselves up. That's all right, what you getting weighed. I'm getting a picture of Colleen next to a skip. That's a nice tattoo, isn't it? It's lovely. But probably she's peeping up out of the side of it.

Yeah. And it'll say for a higher 500, or whatever. That's that nice tattoo, isn't it? So what about you, Philip? Says, yeah, I'm not getting one. As my mom says, it might stop me getting another job when Malino give me the boot. Ha, ha, ha.

Something like that. At this point, Zlatan strides in from a backseparate room, naked from his waist down, right? Yeah. Wayne says, what channel did you get Slatan? Zlatan turns round to first them, his ass first, and touches his toes with his nose. He's got a big G on one cheek and a big D on the other. Philip says, you read, I don't understand it. That was Asian one. It's got a bit in here. It's got a bit in here. Charlie, Charlie, William, I don't understand it. Is it your dogs initials? Zlatan says, no, come wipe Zlatan's anus then you will see so then kneel down and gently open his cheeks Yeah, so that they can work on his anus and it all becomes clear if you think about it

G. Oh, yeah Using sort of like using the anus as the old Like in a higher glyphic. Yeah, that's kind of thing Zlatan says you see now wait a year Yeah, that kind of thing. Yeah. Zlatan says, you see now, wait a year, with your whole it spells God. Correct.

Now, wipe Zlatan till it sparkles. Yeah. And that's kind of a mystery. Do you wish you chose the fish in one? I did choose the fish in one pop. Oh, you did actually. I did, yeah. Yeah, in fact, it did.

Put food on. Put food on. Right, I'm thinking of starting a new club. You got a choice and I work on whichever one you like best, right? A new club. A new club, yeah. First club I'm suggesting is the Kat Stevens Club, yeah? Yeah.

So we get together, I'm going to say once a fortnight, we listen to the tea for the telements and some good old Kat Stevens stuff and read the carad. Yeah. Yeah. That's one club. I'm liking it. Yeah. There's the Partridge Club. I don't know. So it's partridge club is like we're drum. We we know we have eight partridge. We draw partridges. We could you know what I mean we just

everything it's not very good is it? It's right. Sorry. There's the Transistor Radio Club right? We buy old Chinese yeah transistorsistors and hold them to our ears and just like kind of walk around town Stopping your fingers Stoping the fingers and any transistor repair or No I don't know why you've introduced that side of things Just trying to widen that up It's not a business, it's a leisure, you know, not repairing a transistor Are you interested in any of those clubs,

if so I'll work on them if not. I'd like the Kat Stevens one. So what's that? That Kat Stevens one. Sounds good. Nice for the summer. Right, I'll buy a tea for the Tillerman. Right.

I'll buy that one more. Isn't that one? I want to do yes, no with you. Yeah. But imagine there's a door over there, an imaginary door, and imagine behind the door is the things I'm going to ask you. Right. So if you would actually go through the door, see this, yes or no? You physically want me to? No, not that door. Imagine

it a little bit clearer when you're sitting. Imagine behind the door is a chase pasty with a fireworks stuff. Would you go through the door and look at that? I'd already gone here. Yes. The crankies, but on their day off. No, I'm not interested. Okay. Papa Dr. Valleer's septic testicle.

I wouldn't be as ravously the past day. Right, really? Yeah. He's high-eation dictator and... Yes. I've always been a bit fascinated with him. Hints of which doctor he was all of that going on, yeah. Yeah.

How did his testicle get so septic? Probably a curse or something, right? But you can go through the door and have a look, would you? No, I'll tell you what, I won't, I won't, but really? No, I'll leave it, I'll leave it. All right, one out of three of them. OK. But hey, but thanks for giving us the chance.

MUSIC Will you sing us? Will you? You've got your, what's that badge you wear, Andy? Sing a song right now. No, it says, up yours the laws. Well, are you trying to say, is that ironic, is it? It's Brexit, Brexit irony. I've done a song. I've been in the studio and done one. Yeah.

It's like a back and track. It's a little bit like craft work, but it's a bit like sleafed mods as well. Right, I don't know the sleafed mods. And it's what I'm trying to do is a bit of social commentary. Got it, then. And it's sort of like about drones, because they're everywhere now, aren't they? Yeah, I hope it makes things a change after this thing.

And please just be as brutally honest as he can. Drones, moving round the blocks of clouds As an avocaming die I need your arms. Cove, cove, cove, cove, cove, cove, cove, Cove up and let's hear that sound you want to have gas. Hey, go ahead and think about it. You're right, please, with that. Yeah, it took me three days, that. Yeah, it's a bit craft work, isn't it? Yeah. You're next to the co-cability bit though. Well, you know what, I dropped that in because I thought I could pitch it to British

gas and they might want to use it as an advert. No, the funniest line in it was maybe three, maybe four. Yeah. But you didn't have enough confidence, so you've thought you needed to put a funny line on the end and that the correct is that I put it isn't that correct Mr. Dawson no, I want to try and plug it to British gas for an hour. I do British gas don't exist anymore. It's sentrica Okay, have you got the number? I'm sure I can get it for you You're watching and tell you the moment Andy, but right now. I'm not here. Oh, yeah. No good one

moment Andy. Oh, right. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, good one. I just want to, I think I might try and introduce it as a new feature. Yeah. Right. Just some recommendations. Have you watched the start up with Martin Freeman, the orbit? No. That's really good. But I wanted to broadcast it because the first episode is really difficult. What's it on? Is it BBC Netflix? I think that's all on Amazon. Right. And it's really difficult because you get it a lot with the American ones now, is that they want to do a thing at the beginning to say,

look, you potentially might see nudity in this. So they'll like to, they'll want to make the statement, hey, this has got nudity in it. Right. There isn't any nudity in... Oh, well, I'm not going to watch that. It's really Randy, the first and Martin Freibin's got... It's all but himself against him.

Just pan and brush. Martin Freibin's accents a bit odd, and I've spoken to so many people who have abandoned it after one. You make a sound really good. Oh, not but it's great. Oh, really? It's great. I always recommend the film Barbara, the East German film Barbara from 2012.

Why are you laughing? It's the best film I've ever seen. I've got a Googleist again. It's a perfect bit of cinema. But I can see you're not interested in this new section of the show. Oh, it's true. East German. It's fantastic. Fantastic's German. It's from China. Fantastic, Andy. Fantastic, anywhere. It's just poo. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, I've got an artist, right? I've got an artist though, right? You buy lottery tickets for the family, and you have to rub off all the windows because you're the wanker with the brass hands. Hey, hey, hey, yes. Have you ever noticed, yeah? Yeah? Have you ever noticed how bothersome wasps are,

a picnic? You know, you swat one away, and your brassande flies off into the garden of remembrance. You notice that, I mean, I'll just dance. Oh. Have you ever noticed, oh, do you remember?

Do you remember Tin-bafegas? You had to hook them out with your brass hand. So they always tasted a piece and spout brass, what? I've got one more, did you want me to do one? Please, it dulled yourself, God. I've been noticed in service station toilets, those big round dispensers for the bog roll, right? Yeah.

And you can't find the end of it, so you stick your brass ending. Mm-mm. Yeah. And it gets stuck. So you have to pour up Pearson's headquarters to send an operative out to release you. I will ever, ever notice that, Andrew. Yes, yes.

Have you finished? Yeah. One of the ambassadors for the Sunderland City of Culture 2021, which has gone in today. What's it based on? Biggest KFC in the country? Well, I'm going to get to that. You've got a roundabout. I've got a gonna, I'm gonna get to that. Now, what I wanted to do, I'm gonna be a bit of a song to go along with.

Another song. Yeah. You know, when the Istanbul song that we don't do, Moks, a bit of a song. All right, yeah. If you do that, it way you go, Sunderland.

You ready? And I'll do it, yeah, go for it. Okay. Sunderland. Pigs in blankets. Sunderland. Moonwalking. Sunderland, Lottaural Rover, Sunderland, SIG, Omega Drive, Sunderland, Byweekly Recycling, Sunderland, The top 40, Sunderland, and that's

to sell the city of Colts. That will get the city of Colts. I think you're all excited there. I think it's a weird isn't it, yeah? You know you've been doing all these songs. Yeah. I'm gonna do one. Have you got a song special?

Have you got your keyboard there? Well, yeah, of course. I've got a blank area with no, um, I haven't got any words for it, so you'll have to fill it in with your synth, yeah? Right, sort of a middle ear. Yeah. Okay. So you in with your synth, yeah? Right, it's sort of a middle-earth. Yeah. Okay. So you'll play your synth, right? I'll give you a nod. Right. Right.

Okay, here we go. Slender people, fit through gaps, slender men, Look great in fucking slacks, slender women can kick you in the air Slender people take less room up in bed go on You good, thanks very much one hand as well Thank you very much. One hand as well. Oh, thank you Andy. I didn't have any words for the answer.

I had to be sent second verse. Thank you. You know, I went to Bournemouth much, Andy. With Jamburo, I got a baby at Bournemouth for now. Oh, God, we got bad. Well, I left it half half time, I have never, ever done that in my life. Did you really? I left it, I could, it was just too sad,

it was too sad to watch. So it's at the Vitality Stadium. Big car park, is it really? It's very good for a visit in support, as anyway. And Kalim Wilson was out of the back there. Kalim Wilson. Is that what he's called? I think so.

Kalim Wilson. He's round the back and they've got a little practicing area astroturf with goalposts and that, yeah. And he was practicing his diving, yeah. Teaching some of the Bournemouth school children out of dive, you know. Does he dive deep? So I was just watching then a Dama Treyori came out with a can of red bull and some jelly snakes to give him a little bit of, well you can tell that's what he's on, can't you? So it's amazing what you dribble past me, right? Then you dribble past a couple of the kids, then you dribble past me, then you dribble

right past Calum, then past the security blog, then pass column again, then runs towards the goal and blasts it into the delivery bay of Azdenek's door. So as you can see, it was just really a little joke story. Is that the end of it? Yeah, it was just trying to, I suppose it was observation, comedy I was saying, have you ever noticed our column, Wilson Dives, I've read all the time? Yeah. And have you ever noticed our ad on Treyori, Adam Treyori beats loads of people and then does nothing with it? I'll probably just edit that out. Okay, Olderman, or have you got some? Do you're Olderman?

All right. I was not gonna do any other Oldermans, you know? I know, but you wrote one for the live show, but it wasn't good enough to put in the live show, so you're gonna do it now? Yeah. Oh, says the man who gives us a tat-advert. Oh, we've just had some players spotter

that have come in. Yeah. No, I'll do them later on. Well, go ahead, dig your old, man. I was staring at hotel near Stockton. I was up there, up in a little, I think it was a play out for the Daff kids, you know, with the Afbeck Flairkey parents,

you know, like get it together. I had nothing to do to leave in, so I was in quite a nice hotel, I went down to the other Bersment Pool, so that's nice, isn't it? And the Mab and a Bersment Pool. Did you go in the pool? Yes, I went in the pool. There was no one in there while I went down there, just that lovely smell and it's quiet. Then I saw in the shallow end, stood up with Biffy Cliro, and he was like drawing on his first, he was drawing waves, so I thought that's nice, he's got a nice thing. You shouldn't be like to take a penance, shallow end? Oh, I'm Mae'n gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweith and now in earlier on, how's your shoulder bog? Shoulder's not great, I wish I'd never had it.

I don't know if you're gonna be on the show, right? I'm sure. Yeah. Sorry to hear that. I've got the tablet, I'll give you some tablets. Yeah, what general tablets? Yeah. You know when I was a kid, you used to go out the doctors. Do you remember that?

If you've got the doctor, you used to give you a link to us. Now, here we are. There's some tablets. They've got a bit of cotton wool in the top. Yeah. That's other important tablets. Did of cotton wool in the top. Yeah. Also, they're important tablets. Did you get one the internet? Yeah. Are they are they are they to help you get a rise on the blue? Haven't you got any of your stuff? Ten of them.

Haven't you got any tablets that would dissolve your tit fat? I'm just trying to help you. I think you can get such a thing. I'm trying to cure you. I think you get the shits if you have them, but because the fat of ten of them Anyway, if you could I did a couple of lads I'm putting in the beginning about your shoulder make it sound like I give a fuck all right if you would right They're putting a bit of light don't know you couldn't get them for the do the story anyway. I'm out of where across One of me wits and I feel like a little tug on me trunks then another little tug and Then I grabbed me trunks to keep them up because that means I've put both arms down

I start to sink a bit and as soon as I let go there's another little tug and before you know it me trunks are off Yeah, so I quickly swim to the deep ends You know just you like get me act together kind of thing and then but I look at I know it's supposed completely empty No one there. Nobody there. Hello. Hey already Andy. This is a little bit like that movie cocoon in it. Yeah, not you know I mean. We wonder where it's going. Yeah. Well I think like I've got nothing on I better get out of here quick before a lady comes in. You know I mean. So I sprint into the changing rooms that thank God they're empty. I open me locker right and shit. The clothes have gone. So that's not very nice, is it Andy?

Then I hear a very familiar voice. You lost something Robert. You're looking a bit of a pickle Robert, don't you Robert? It's old him and stood there with a tower on his middle. He's just come out of the shower. It's interesting Andy, because his shoulder hair is all stood up on end, yeah? And in the back, it's surrounded by the steam in the background

from the shower on his massive back. And you know what I thought? It looked to me a bit like the aftermath of a Greek forest fire. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Well, I cover up, or first I should say, I cover up my privates with Nathan, yeah.

I said, yes, and Jokers next to me trunks in the pool and the clothes have been knick from me locker. Oh dear Robert, you are in a binder Robert. Then I see he's got an apricot in his hand, yeah. He says here, take this apricot Robert to help you cover up. I can still see the edge of your foreskin Robert. So he throws it and I catch it and I use the

apricot in conjunction with me thumb. You know I make it in the area, it's in the area. Suddenly the aircon gets turned on, but I'm going to shiver a bit, you know, it gets cold. Oh dear Robert, you're shivering like a little baby seagull robot that slipped down the roof tiles into a frozen downpipe a robot. It took my towel robot. He throws me his towel and he just stands there nude and he's got a huge circular bush. Jesus. No massive. That's a bigger than the opening of a bucket, a big circle of

pubes, yeah. And you know, it what it looks looks like it looks like he sat on the shoulders of that little block from diversity I didn't know where look anyway then I see the town clerk the town clerk the vickett and biffey come come around from behind the lockers town clerks got me closed they start to chant kiss the alderman kiss the alderman kiss the ald man, kiss the older man, kiss the older man. Well, I have never kissed him naked. It's the first time for everything to come. Yeah, so I don't mind telling you, I didn't as it at all to be honest.

You like trying to do things though, yeah? So I didn't want to look like a slag, but I'll write up for it. So it just sucked like my lips onto is, and then you seemed to like, sort of count each of my teeth individually with this tongue. Right, yeah. And I couldn't help it. I grabbed all of his bush and like I twisted handful of it and it came out and we fessed and then we just slipped apart. There's my mouth filled with his spittles and we just sort of slipped apart.

Yeah. And it was over. Beautiful. The Clark gave me me clothes back and I have to say Andy, I'll tell you the truth I kept that handful of hair in the aldermen's bush I wore it into a little broomstick and I've hung it from the the rear mirror in the car. I will open it up in the memory. I'll open it up in the memory. What brings you look while you're driving? Thank you Andy. Yeah yeah yeah it's very homeowner here. Yeah. Yeah, I got one of those curts. As you know, for car washing, patio cleaning, I got all the accessories I need.

Just wash, yeah. Yeah, it's a jet washer, it's bright yellow, and it's bright in my life, right? It cleans the grout, the concrete glass, next door, I'd be right. It's got a bucket and a mop, a fucking rent rent. Rent a room.

Yeah. Ding dong landlord. Yeah. Ding dong landlord here, get out of my house, Fucking fucking rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent rent It's a service that isn't available to a rent or a whole lot of sleep. Ding dong, landlord here. I'm giving you one month's notice that you're a wanker. Who can't afford a mortgage. Yeah, bloody good, isn't it? Listen, you know, halogen bulbs. Yeah, you know. Super efficient.

No, they're not though, really. You'd assume they were energy efficient. You'd assume it. Yeah, I did, I did. But no. I'm tempted to pull the ball out and I'd send them down the food bank or something. Yeah, yeah. Fuck them.

Fuck who? Red turn. Red turn. Yes. Okay. I got a new ice to this year, tax-efficient shelves from the savings. Did you know the forums and researches? Yeah, just went through the forums and says, best ice, the picked ice, so it's a tax sort of shell for your savings and investments.

The interest alone actually keeps me in... The stand, yeah! For the whole year, it's a peach of assist. Imagine giving half your income, honestly, giving half your income to a landlord. I mean, you made this one just through it in a big fire. Exactly, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then for the fire out with your jet washing.

Yeah, I dinged on landlord here. I want to inspect your bedding for tears. You rent a stenticry most at night. Well, I'm at the casino. Yeah, that's kind of like what. Oh, were you watching the island with Bear Grillist, though? No, I'm not watching that either. I'm not watching that either. It's not bad. It's a Christian, isn't it? Is it? Oh, I'll not watching that either. I'm not watching that. I'm not, he's not bad. We...

Is that he's a Christian, isn't he? Is he? Oh, I'll tip about that. He's a Christian in flowers everywhere by a helicopter. Right. Can we just go over to the secret soccer store? I lost it, I lost it. I can't help but guess who it is?

At the end, after you've heard it. There's been a lot of talk about gambling in football this week. We'll do a wee bit on that so that the Secret soccer superstars lifted the lid on gambling in football. Here we go. The issue of football is doing gambling, as read its head in the news recently. But outsiders have got no idea, just how addicted to betting many of the top, top, top football as

really are. I used to play for one of the biggest clubs in the land, and every Tuesday afternoon the lads would get together in a barn about 15 miles into the dig dark wood and spend hours doing gambling until dawn up beyond. A little bookmaker would set it up, and all of the top betting events would be layered on for us. Rowlett, Ponto, Channel 4 Racing Videos, Rockpipuses, even Pinnettale and the Dungy. Everyone was usually well-behaved, but now and again one of the lads will get carried away through a good money after barred and ended

up losing an absolute bondel. I once looked on an amazement as a very high profile England fullback, took to wear 90 grand on a sword fight between two naked midgets that had been covered from head to toe in spray, crisp and dry. And when I see a sword, what I really mean is, well, you can probably work it out great great times well that is interesting and can I have a little guess please do is there was a sunland player was he called pickford or pickering art Nick Pickering

Nick is it Nick Pickering? No. I'm not gonna pick it. Can I just mention at this point that the sacred Socrates was start and the older man and stuff like that is in the new Athletico Mins book that's coming out a few weeks. Is it shit? The book has a shit? Yeah, I've mostly my stuff and stuff you've said on the podcast. All right, yo. Yeah, pile of shit. Available for all good book retailers for a beer. They tell you why do you have a picnic last night you know the bar the bar It's so easily overlooked in it don't you find it doesn't shout out like no and it's a delicious bar it really is Maybe we can do something with the picnic paper. I'll write a song for the picnic paper

All right. Yeah, like that British gas one I did earlier So should we go to the island? Yeah, I mean, it's a bit long and the island was there. Well, I will use to it now. Okay, young Thomas McCluff lived on the island, positioned nearest to the Lerd's domain and the Western Isles. Separated by the sea, but not beyond the spying eye of his telescope purchased from the now-defunct comet superstar on the mainland. So it's a nice start in it, isn't it? It's something.

So he spying on the island with his telescope. Oh, what about Thomas? Thomas would spend hours of day like gazing upon the lords island from his bedroom window. He would watch the delivery of provisions by boat every Thursday. Roll dots, oatmeal, dirty drinks, oats are simple and rickstein salt and pepper oat cakes, especially for the left. Yeah, so the delivery watches them doing the deliveries. The men one crew would bow their heads as the goods were taken and not step foot on the aisle. A swift exit was always made. But on every other day's attention was firmly fixed on Malak Gove. For there every day a lassie would appeal at ten AM,

accompanied by a man in a cloak and mask and sit on her own reading till the man returned to fetch her that sundown. The lassie was a total beauty. Thomas likened her to a perfect combination of the Australian manoeuvres. She had the dark, long, silky hair of the sister Danny, but no the ugly face. The arms and legs of Kylie but without the thick hairs that blighted Danny's limbs. She had the thin delicate feet of sister Danny but without the extra door and half them on top. But in one important respect she bore resemblance to both sisters and that she had plenty tipped to spare.

It was this abundance of surplus tipped that inspired Thomas to paint, and he would spend most of his evening spending buns and helox and canvas. Then he hatched a plan and the next Thursday early in the morning, he slipped under the third ball and on the delivery board and lay quite still, clutching a box of mellow bird's coffee. And arriving at the Ilysewam Tamaluk gove where he knew his sweet tart would be waiting. She was seated in her usual spot and beckoned him with her index finger. Thankfully the finger was a replica gily and not the wizard-wart-infected budget of the system's dandy. There is locked on each other's like a space probe might lock onto a larger exploratory graph.

Thomas immediately felt a rampus along the length of his personal pipe and covered the area with the Mo Bound's package. How did you, Martin?" said Thomas. The lady replied, sadly in the voice of Sister Danny, not bad mate. You said, you said a fart. At that moment Thomas noticed a long chain attached her foot that bounded the nearby post. How do you mean, young lady, and why are you chained so? I am but the lure that tracked young men to the island so they may be slaughtered to provide meat for the learned. Talaq will be here shortly to dispose of you. And it will take you out of package. That's a large thing of mellow birds. It was a gift for you from the mainland. It truly is the

world's most gentle and mellow drink. And at that talak appeared over the brow, brandishing a blade fashioned from the side panel of a lambletter that had fallen out of the sky many summers ago. But it was not the blade that died for Thomas, no. He died instantly when talak removed the hood from his head. For he had the face of Diane Abbott, the face of Diane Abbott, the face of Diane Abbott. So there you go. There we are. That's all we've got time for for this week, but we'll be back. We'll be back soon, won't we? Yeah, I kind of just say, if you've been listening very carefully to the podcast, you might want to start wondering about this Lambrata.

It might be the key to the way off the island. Right. So people might want a little bit of think about every other episode we've done. That day when a Lambrata fell from the sky. All right. All right. See Lambrata fell from the sky. Alright, there you go. Alright, see you, I'm sorry, bye. you