Athletico Mince - Ep. 85 - Excellent Humour

Episode Date: July 1, 2019

Peter makes a hospital visit, Mark invites Steve round, we discuss biscuit etiquette, Roy launches a new game, Dyche motivates, and there’s new Crime Files… Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to Atherical Mint with me, Pablo Cordroy and my co-host Brent Cardholder. Coming up on today's show we have Mr Peter Beadsley, Mr Sean Dish Roy Hodgson, a special edition of Crime Files and much much more. Hi Brent, how come you're such a piece of shit? Nature on nurture. What the fuck is this? I've just been like, bro, and that was a very pro beginning. Brent who, card holder? That's you, yeah.

That's German. No, it's your name. Right. Brent can. Didn't tell me about this. Look, I don't look immediately. It's, we've started flapping. It's all disintegrated after that beautiful beginning. Welcome to it. Then I go, meant with me, Pablo Corderoi. Hi, Brent, how come you're such a piece of shit? That's the, I object here, really. All right. Well, I talk about that. I'm not going to say kick. I don't mind being Brent, about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that.

I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that.

I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that.

I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I talk about that. I rubbed off. I'm gonna give you a quiz Andrew because I do enjoy them. You've defeated me for the last couple of weeks. Oh actually you've turned the tables. So it's actually, it's... I don't like losing it the quiz so I'm going to be the quiz master again. Then he'll see. Yeah go on. So it's a popular supermarket Andrew. Right where do you shop as that?

As the CNSB's Morrison's I'll write and mix. Right. Where do you shop as that? As the Cien's Bridge Morrison's. I'll write it, mix it up. Okay, well, this one's Tascos. Ah! Soz. Really Greek, Ireland of Tascos. Nier Argos. Now, it's foodstuffs.

Right. All right. So, I'll introduce the quiz. It's called Pap Twang dodgers. Oh yeah, dying pop yogurt, peanuts, crunch swac, bread. Give me just a little more time.

Okay, yeah. I'm only putting in three to make it a bit easier for you. Oh, thank you. Alright, jami dodgers. easier for you. All right, jammie dodgers Standard pack proper brand. I think it's crawfish or something, right? Yeah, um ski yogurt for pack Yeah, Tesco white sliced bread in the polythene, you know like a you know like your classic love. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, breads cheapest Okay, most expensive is the... It's ski yoghurt, did you see?

Yes, for. Yeah, ski yoghurt's the most expensive, so that means the jammie dodges are in the middle. Andrew? Mm-hmm. You have just defeated. Yes! Pop twang dodges. Oh, yes!

Yes! Dying pop yoghurt. Peer-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o- Yes, doing pop yoga peanuts. Oh Fuck bread, give me just a little more time Well done, dear water time to build thank you for reducing it to three and giving me a chance to think it helps definitely Plus I'll let some of those products are some that I purchase as well on a regular business All right, I can't believe that you buy regular jammies, dodges, you'll buy some. What does it do? You buy economy. Jam creams, they'll be called. I was having a conversation with the one-year-old the other day.

Yeah. The jammies dodges were present and I instructed him to jammies index finger into the heart of jam. The heart of jam. And he enjoyed it immensely. How do you eat them? Does it finger in the heart of jam? No, I see, that's one of these things getting old.

Scoop a little bit out. Nibble it off me finger tip, dirty boy, naughty boy. And then just eat the rest. I, when I was young, I used to take the top half off, push the jam through. Cool. Yeah, out that. And then lick the cream off the bottom half.

The white stuff, is it cream? There's not, there's not cream in jammie dodgers. Yeah there is. No there's not. Yes there is. There's jam. No jam. You're not jamming them. Face things. Am I? Yeah I think so.

Well the jam in the eyes. Well I'm sure all listeners will tell us. I think there's a creamy, creamy sort of white substance in there. A kind of sweet dripping. Maybe there is a Mark Harbour where you live. Do you have any methods for eating biscuits that are unusual? Oh, that's an I like that question. A unusual biscuit eating.

Because I'll say with a club biscuit, I'll confess I like to gently nibble off the chocolate around the rim of the outside of the biscuit. I think everyone does that. Does everyone do that? I think so. I'm not a domain to pick. Only the good people do that. I think everyone does that. Does everyone I think so I'm not don't mean to only the good people do that. I don't mean to the best people to piss on your presence But you know, we are I'll tell you what I used to do when we had a gas fire when I was young You know canon 2000 gas fire that I used to do remember the majestic wafer. It's a wafer biscuit You know like wafer a bit of gong wafer bit of gong I used to hold that in front of the fire and the the top wafer would a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny. Mae'n gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, a gynny, The plane chocolate digestive used to melt the chocolate on that and lick the chocolate off the top of that. Yeah, I think everyone does that indeed

What about I tell you what what do you do with the chocolate finger? Do you do you do lick? Do you insert it into your mouth repeatedly to take the No, I just nibble the chocolate finger generally. Okay, because once you've sucked the chocolate off the finger by itself, it's quite bland. Yeah. And it is one of the blandest sentences. It's a point in conclusion. Bit like the club actually. Ah, the clubs are right.

Now, if you separate the club biscuit bit of the biscuit, it's almost savory. It's almost like a cream, it's almost like a cream cracker. But you've still got, because you've nibbled the bit around the edge, you've still got the top and the bottom chocolate on there as you nibble off as well yeah okay all right bump well one thing is sure and that is that life is a very long Mae'n gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith i'r gwaith time seems you know to be dragging a bit in there things are just a love staring at don't seem as vibrant as before I get up and I'm washing a kitchen sink you know cook the waifa boilies. Fill up the peanuts, you know, for the flying birds.

Take a broom to the front drive, you know. The Albanian fella next door is always up early, like, and in his garden having this siggy, you know. We don't speak like, you know, but sometimes our eyes meet and he quickly looks away. Dog day. So, wife is in hospital like you know because of a dodgy light, but I can't visit today, you know, kind of what happened yesterday. I was young, y'all, I allowed the girl whenever I wanted, you know, because she's in a private ward like. So yesterday, I turned up late about 8th, yeah, like, a little 8th, I'm not talking to her. I'm not talking to her. And she was just waiting.

Morning darling. Oh, you. What the fuck are you fucking want? Sitting on me bed like a spooky fucking parent. I was having a nice, nice, fucking dream. Where me and Mack Lonson were on a big, fucking yacht listening to Fleetwood, fucking Mackin' I was having a nice, foggy dream, wearing me and Mark Lonson, wearing a big, foggy neon, listening to Fleetwood, foggy and macket, I was rib-souled.

I'm sorry about that, love. Anyway, I sneaked some grubbing like you asked, darling. I suppose you want a foggy, meddled, dear, for turning up here when I've looked up to you, every day of me miserable, foggy life. Yn yw'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n mynd i'n myndwch i'r bwyl yw'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgwch i'r ysgw. Mae'n gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn gweithio yn g Percy Nanny's got the wife's hospital breakfast. Nurse says, Hello, Yoto, breakfast is served. Oh, hello, Stanley. How lovely to see you, handsome face.

First thing, you are such a tonic. A two-ported ax on instant mush, just like you ordered. Oh, and may I ask, other y yurks very firk in runny? As requested by a little sarsport. Yes, of course, anything else you need? Well, you could get rid of this lazy useless fucking dial for me. You're such a coward, Mrs. B. I'll see you later. But, uh, wife, you know, talked into her porches like...

Now, these are proper fucking porches. As Ronny as fuck and the slip down me throat like a button and fucking frog. Fuck and perfect. Why can't you achieve this level of constancy? You horrible fucking dickhead! No, I thought we would. I will try better when I get you wrong Carlat fucking home. It's a fucking tomb Now pass us me hard boilers

So I'll air the pale boilers on a nil there like and she starts to talk Suddenly the doctor enters the room and she says, what were you? What's going on here? You do know that she's on a strict limit of two eggs a day. You have been warned about this, Mr Beardsley. Oh, thank God you've come just in time, Mr. Johnson. He strought in here like Rod Stewart at a head party and started forcing me to eat his eggs. He said if I didn't and I fucking caught, he would fucking bring me. Is this true? Er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, er, I had to bring them in, she said if I didn't, she would take a hammer at me feet. It's like a doctor, get him out of here.

I'll never get better with his fucking bed face in my room. So, Doctor tells me I got the leave and I couldn't come visit unless I was contacted by the hospital first. So, here I am down in the dumps wondering what the wife's getting up to with that nurse fella a bit worried about how she's caught in you know without the legs I think I'll drive up in the retail park I've looked at the porsters on the windows of Abby best furniture, maybe stables, so let's you see a pretty good stare that you know. Before I get off home, I got to cut the jokes from your joke, but for you Bob's thought. So I went and talked to you know, because I had a latest stop on the earth, all he did was apply a dressing. What we have, all we did was apply a dressing.

I've been told that crocodiles can go up to 15 feet, but I never seen one with modern folly. My wife told me, I was too childish to do the other day, whilst we were shopping, you know. I was so shocked, I almost fell out of the trolley. Oh, well, there you go. One piece of beer, please. There's only one piece of beer, please. I'll see you, see you, Bob.

Ah, that was nice, because it started off completely hard breaking. And ended. Just ended worse. Would you like a little bit of scous, or would you like a little bit of John Chalice from Worry Fools and Houses? I'll take John Chalice, please. Moline! for John Chalice for body fuzz analysis. I'll take John Chalice, please. Marlene! Ha ha ha ha ha! Very good. Can I have the Scouser? Is that now unavailable?

Erm... Now you can have the Scouser's fuzz. Go on then. Carlin Lane! On to the Anfield Lights! Very good. There you are. I mean, I'll always prefer only Fools. Yeah. You know I'm a knock-in-knit-knit-knit-knit-knit.

I might not offer you the choice again But there we are that's it then kind of thank you for your recommendation of that diving show Diving movie yeah, it was a good He's fun. I was only told that someone someone said it was good. Do you know what it's called forgot? I couldn't remember is it life for a breath or breath under water? BBCI play was it no, I didn't see it there. I saw a Netflix, I think. Definitely Netflix. Life, near death, breathing life.

Anyway, it's absolutely terrific. Last breath. Last breath, I saw a quick note. Now what, we're chatting. Is that Roy on the side there? Oh, shit, is it Roy? Oh, right. I'll tell you what. I'll go and let him in.

Thank you. Thank you. Oh, there. Hey, Roy. Come in. side there oh shit is it right yeah thank you all right thank you so you've got some weights you've done really little off all right right there's no need for that come on oh yeah you want someone to do you granddad all right all right what have you been up to since the season ended then right oh planning mainly this time of year is about the development and execution of plans for my future. It's something you would like to excel. Alright, I see. You put on the planning shape of your squad, new signings, that kind of thing. No, I want to bring a launching a brand new table top military strategy game with a medieval fantasy theme.

Well, we're honest, right. Sounds a little bit theme. Well we honest to write something a little bit like the War Mama. Now it's not really like that. For one thing the name is completely different. Oh yeah what's it called? Light hammer. So it would roy hammer. Right. Light hammer. Light hammer. Light hammer. Roy hammer. It's not hard. Light hammer. Said. Okay, Roy Homa. Yeah. You say table tops military game, fantasy medieval fantasy, but isn't that that's what war armor is in it? No, this is totally different and unique and better game.. Markam, Louis Emma, Louis Emma, Louis Emma, Louis Emma,

played on a flat seven foot by five foot surface. So I think you'll agree the two games may not resemble each other. It was them. All right, Robbie. So what about the armies in Louis Emma? What are the called? They're called the Red Devils, the Cockney Pricks, the Scasses, the Foreners and Missy Laney's Art Souls.

Oh, okay. Are they all like the good or all good or all evil? Evil. All in impure evil. Is that only one good or are you the wrong hammer? It's the Zahar warriors. Ah, I named after your player, Wilfred Sahar, I show him. My free?

Yeah, my free? Hang on, is this whole right wo whoa boy, I'm a thing? Yeah! Alright, is it just an elaborate route, route to Chien, Persuades Sahara, not a leaf palace this summer? ROOS! ROOS! I don't know what you mean! Come on, right, isn't it?

You don't want Sahara outside for another club so you've come up with a new game name, especially after him. Oh, maybe he's there after me, not after him. The army's named after him. You've been paying attention. But yeah, well all right I wish you the very best to look with it right. I suppose I should say that. Well I don't care about you wishes you cannot control me. I've had enough of this. Your woohoo seclusion was a step in the wrong direction. Hold on, woe. whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, Roy Hammer, he's going round all the stations and he probably probably popped it here. This is station now. It's clearly the same game in it. Yeah.

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And here's some little bits that you've missing from the latest Athletico Pass Nips episode. Take your strides off and put your ass up towards more satellite dish. Duh, duh, duh, duh, dig a seat and expose every one of your senses to our atrocity exhibition. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, when my head blows it's going to be garland. Duh, duh, duh, duh, I'm not judging you. I'm very fucking judging you. Duh, duh, duh for more information, Athletic Ormins.com slash parsnips. Are you still interested in unusual incidents?

Yeah, very much so. I have got an ongoing unusual incident which might interest you. My dog, right, it was just half shit so half two hour Completed yet. Yeah, has got a nemesis on the estate where I walk him all right. His nemesis is a house Really? Yeah, there's this house particular house. I don't know what is about it It hasn't got a dog in it or anything or any animals But we get to this house and he tries to run up the grass at the front tries to throw us all through the window But we get this house and he tries to run up the grass at the front tries to throw us all through the window

Maybe that easy could you maybe like a cadaver dog? That the man you reckon a couple of them yeah, it's corpses in there Well, it's you know, it's only one of a number of possibilities I thought I tell you what I'll knock on the door and ask them next time I wrote what you last the dead blog if he's dead The fellas not dead. I've seen the fellow through the window, but I'll ask if he's got any yeah, and if he any corpses in there Yeah, and if he's the killer he's gonna say yeah fair cop any well you know honestly appears doesn't it I trust the dog you know I mean you're sighting the maddening the can thing when I hear dogs the dogs smell something doesn't it all all right okay thanks sir well I don't know that it's unusual how

unusual that is I've never come across it before. I mean, someone tweeted in the me to say, is this an unusual incident? He came across a full hot water bottle on top of a hedge. That's unusual. But is it an incident or is it just an occurrence? Absolutely. You know, it's just... I want, Sandy, I might have told you before,

but I don't know what is this unusual incident? Because mainly, me make Cags once bought a couple of hundred posters of UB40. Right. Back you probably in the late 70s. I don't know, terrible shit. Yeah. And gotten printed up to sell outside a concert at Lester Demonson Hall. Was the UB40 concert?

Yeah, the UB40 concert. Well, for. And we went the bows at first. And then by the time we went to Demontford Hall to lay them out to vlog them, the concert had long since finished and there's no one there. But I don't know, that's not really an incident, is it? It's not an incident. It's, well it's kind of an incident, but it's, it's devoid of humor, interest. It's interest, it's not as hard as picking the beans at any way. I've got a spy at Burnley, you know, Burnley football. He's sent out a motivational message. Dash has, yeah. Good. So I'll play it for you. Alright Scott, as pre-season beckons it's time to

remind you of the Burnley ethos, time to provide you with a mantra that will get you through what may be a difficult season. Understand the following. I am your God. I am the path to enlightenment. My knowledge was gained in the quarries of Nottinghamshire and the pie shops of Kettering. I have spent many a night on the mowers, kicking fessence into touch and grappling with beasts on non-Taman kind. I have experienced pain and embraced it. I am a man, a man of thought. A football is there to be kicked, kicked hard. The opponent is there to be kicked, kicked hard. Pies are there to be eaten, eaten hard.

Run hard in various directions if you have not spewed up, where are the cup? Kick. Shit. Epie. Tackle. the cup, kick, shit, e-pie, tackle, kick, another shit, more pie and that's the Burnley way. If you've been man-marked, mark that man with the point of your elbow. If there's a man up front, boot it up to him at great height. No exceptions, no excuses. Organisation, not joy.

Efficiency, not finesse. Exorption, without pleasure. He carbs on the hour every hour, bread, pasta and spuds. I said bread, pasta and spuds, then pie, pancakes, fudge. He carbs on the hour every hour, Bread, pasta, spuds. I said bread, pasta, spuds. Then pie, can't cake, fudge. Where your shorts nice and tight around your ass, fix your hair solid with gel and spray mount. Remember, a flailing elbow or forearm can be both offensive and defensive. Stakes should never be eaten without gravy.

A baked onion should be served with every meal and every course. If you don't do what you told, you'll be out of the fold. Darby will have you at the drop of a hat and they are butlers. And remember, kick. Shit. A pie. A tackle. A kick. A- Another shit. Chakal, kick, have another shit, more pie and that's the Burnley way.

There you are, that's so glad I intercepted that. I'm so sorry it went on so long. Oh that sounds so good. First of all that sounds like a Blue print for my life that I'd love to have yeah and Secondly, they're kind of footbally talks about that. I'd love to say that sort of Look for this. What was this to me without for this without joy without God place just win matches. Oh you you cute. You've turned to that side of the fence, I'll be just waiting.

Oh God, yeah, get it. League one, please. What's behind the door? Yes, I know. Yes, I know. It's back again. What's behind the door? I don't know.

I don't fucking know. He doesn't know. What's behind the door? Three things for you to think about going behind the door. I will look at Mortimer. Tell me if you would or would not end up behind the door. Open the door and have a gap. That's basically yet yeah. Number one is Zookeeper. He's got a birthday kick on a shovel and he's about to feed it to a smiling hippopotamus. Okay. Would you go through the door and have a look at that? No. You could just open it here. No, I'm aware you look through doors,

and they know, no thanks. Is that the goal, Wayne? No thanks. Frightening for what, Mrs. A? Well, no, I'm thinking that Aca-Boke might come up, so I'm serving it. You're alert, the good is very tight as you want. Number two, a man is cut up on a golf ball,

and he wants to show you what's inside it. Always interesting, but no, no. No, I think I can, no. Number three, Acabilke. Oh, here we go. He's smashing up a bread machine with a hammer, because he set it to those small buns, got the ingredient measurements bit wrong, and they've come out as really dense bread marbles. Okay, well, also a shit fist. Okay, well, Aca Bilk, A Hammer, Shit First,

Forget the other fruit though. But should we just finish? You know how far it went. There is. It's just a bonus isn't it? Get in there, I know, I love a peep. Thanks for playing along.

So I've heard a little story about Mount Lawrenceson. Or I, yeah. He was at all watching Women's World Cup with his wife, Barbara, and he'd invited Steve McLaren round for the evening. Nice. Steve arrived in his light blue Bentley, Mark, answer the door. Hello Mark, what a lovely place you have here. Is this a Georgian

UPVC front door? Yes, I mean as much as I love the feeling after the hardwood door, this was about a third of the price and very low maintenance. Nothing much more than a scrub down with a blender wipe every other day in a drop of oil once a year on the hinges. All right, is it all right if Casper, the snake comes in? Not at all, fangs for bringing him.

Ha, ha, ha, he's hysterical. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha him. He's hysterical. I will suffer in my coffee though, Mike, make him a bit viperactive. Excellent human mark. At this point, Mark's wife, Barbara comes into their own. Oh, hello, Steve. Is that Casper? He's lovely isn't he? Yes, he's a yummy bucket of suds and bubbles and curly cream nonsense with a twist of lullipop and bubble gum fancies. Would you like him to help you in the kitchen, Bapre? Yes, that would be lovely. I'm making some fat balls for the birds. So Mark and Steve sit down to watch the match.

Would you like a glass of English bitter brood impressed him from English hops and using for the birds. So Mark and Steve sit down to watch the match. Would you like a glass of English bitter brood in Preston from English hops and using English water and English workmen, Steve? Jab any wine. You know, something a bit fizzy and fun. Maybe a pink Prosecco or a baby shan? No, I don't allow it in the house. It's fatty, frivolous. Would you like a caprice son? Oh, yes, yes, please. I sometimes have the problem getting the straw in the hole. That's what she said.

Excellent, human. Do you like Snick's Mac? Yes, but I couldn't eat a whole one. Ah, Mac, that's an excellent human. Well, the football starts, and they're sat there watching. It doesn't seem right, women playing football. I mean, ladies should be at home, painting with pastel watercolors,

singing, reading magazines, and look at them, they can hardly kick the ball with their weak childish legs. Christ knows football is boring enough without women getting involved. Oh, get them a chance, you rotteny pluck. Hey, I want to ask you, Matt, do you like radio head? No. What about Stormsy? I've got to be joking.

OK, what about Coldplay? Oh, yes, very much so, yes. Well, at that point, the front door flies open and in strides, Robson Green. Oh, where's Raffa beneath us? I know he's in here. I saw his Bentley out seat. Where is he, Lord, or I've got to meet him

and beg him to stay with the tune that staves Bentley? Stave with gladden. Not Raffa. Oh, sometimes I think I'm never gonna meet you, Raffa. If I don't get to meet him so now, I'm swear I'm gonna set fire to him. He fears live on the telly. Admet Mr. Beneeters quite a few times. He's a

sweet as an echox cake covered in maple syrup. I did a song about him from the ringtone. Listen, oh Mr. Beneeters, oh Mr. Beneays, kiss kiss you benedays. Well at that moment Robson grabs the phone of Steve. I've got his number, I want you to phone him and tell him to get round here. See it on emergency, see it on marks on fire. Stop it Robson, you're acting very erratically. In fact I'd like you to leave. This is not acceptable." Well, Steve grabs the phone back off Robson, and Robson grabs Steve by his hair.

Met a phone call, you flimsy bastard! No, that's my hair in Ireland! My precious hair in Ireland! Casper! Casper, help me! Well, at this point Casper runs through from the kitchen, yeah? Stroats swells up and he spews a good few parts and muck into Rob's and face. But he doesn't let go. Casper winds himself around Rob's and legs to try and bring him down, but it's no good. Rob's and his two strong. Barbara comes through from the kitchen. She tosses up a fat ball and volleys it straight into Robsen's head

and he falls to the ground like a sack of hammers. I thought you said a lady couldn't kick a ball mark. I guess I was wrong. And Mark, Steve and Casper laugh the heads off as if all the oceans in the world had turned into jokes. Oh lovely stuff. Crime files. The herifitcher village of Churford was a peaceful, tranquil community where families could live free of fear and in a certain knowledge that their families and their friends would be safe. Nothing much happened and that was exactly how its residents wanted it to be.

That was until the 13th of December 2018 when everything changed. It was quizz night at the village pub and about six teams of locals were competing. One team was captain by Neil Hunt, the local nonsense potter. Next to them was a team calling themselves the laughter imporium, which included the Arsenal footballers Metip Ozil and Sandy Kazzola. Neil Hunt noticed that Kazzola appeared to be checking for answers on his mobile phone. Look, I don't know if he realized, but that is cheating. It's completely against the rules and it ruins the whole

point of having a quiz in the first place. Hey,, Sandy. Mr. Nonsense, Bobber! Chill out! What's a mile away you? You lost your party vibe? Here, have a turban my vape. It's full of skunk and who the hell knows what else?

Look, I'm perfectly killed as you put it. I just don't like cheats. Why don't you go and play on the fruit machine that seems more like your sort of thing? Methe Ozil Chipsen, leave it Sunday the man is an arse. Hall. What did you say? What did you fucking say? There's only one thing that looks like an arse asshole in this place and that's your fucking warp face! Ozil very slowly gets to his feet. What, what's wrong?

Right. Get to him. Thankfully Neal's friend Brian steps in. Lord, leave it you to calm it. Let's just enjoy the quiz. Fair enough, fair enough, but if their team wins, I'll kick up a storm, the like of which hasn't been seated, Jaford, since Oli Merz was caught pissing in the post box. Everything calmed down, and Santa even brought over a drink for Neal's table during a break in the post box. Everything calm down and Santa even brought over a drink for

Neel's table during a break in the quiz. Hey guys, have a drink on me, I love to party, I love to go crazy, most of all I love to laugh. Hey if you need bunting, balloons, novelty pens, saucy outfits, I'm your man. I've got to open a laughter and pour him on the high street. The whole village is going to get high. Well, the quiz ended and Neil left on his own, complaining he felt unwell. Just as he was about to turn into his front drive, he was grabbed by two men. It was Ozil and Sandi Kazola. Yeah, no.

Hey, Mr. Putter in nonsense. You not feel so well now, eh? You don't look so good. What's he got to do with you? What do you even want? What do you fucking want? Carterman walk home and I've been fucking accosting. God, I feel sick, so fucking sick. Maybe it was something in your drink nonsense, boy. Oh, I get it. I fucking get it. You fucking let my drink, you pair of bastards.

I swear on my fucking fat neck. I will get you back for this. Ozil donkey kicks him to the ground. You dirty fucking turd of a man. Oh god, my mind is fucking warping. What have you done? What have you fucking done? And then Neil fell out of consciousness. Neil woke up slumped on his work desk with a pen grust in his hand.

In front of him a document bearing his signature. It was a deed of transfer selling his nonsense pottery company. To a company he had no knowledge of for a fee of 50 pounds. Its name? Santies laughter and paureum, churford limited. What a bike, fucking dumb! What a bike, fucking dumb! The wife has got a fucking kill me! What a bike. Crime Files. So you know it seems to me every village has got a potter.

Yeah. You're a similar attitude to life. It's interesting. Well, not dead this time. Well, we don't know. Do we? We don't know what he was. I thank you. Interesting, isn't it? I was in a, well, not dead this time. Well, we don't know, do we? We don't know what he was. I think he was poison-woney. Yeah, he'll die.

Everyone dies. That's about it for this episode. Okay, well, thanks for having us. I've got some names for you. Can I respectfully? Um... Pod's Johnson, Kevin Remedy on Mike 2. No, thanks.

Thanks, Bob, bye bye bye. you