Athletico Mince - Ep. 93 - Tuna Candle

Episode Date: October 25, 2019

We acquire a WAV from Jurgen Klopp, Neil Hunt faces another pottery foe, there’s trouble for the White Harts, plus Guru, cheese, poetry, petrol and more. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to a Let's Go Mint with me Bob Mortimer. I hope you are enjoying happy times and good health. In particular, I hope your dishwasher is fresh malin and run inefficiently. Imagine if you will that you are relaxing on a massage table at a country house spa. The table is soft and sheeted in Egyptian cotton. The scent of lavender and lemon oil fills the air and the gentle sound of mountain eagre and wappel types fill your senses. And then you feel the rough touch of callous, watered hands clumsily pounding your buttocks. You open your eyes to see a short fat, dirty, be titted northern man veering above you.

This is how we are. Sian likes it, mate. I'll have you back in a new time. Please welcome my co-host. His name is Mr Andrew Dawson. Oh Mr Dawson. He lives in some lane. He lives in some. Got a little bungalow. Lovely bungalow.

It is my concerto Oh, I'm dead, I'm dead Oh, I'm dead I'm dead, I'm dead Oh, I'm dead My coming handy Slow one day If your obsession gets random

Good morning to you, Andrew Good morning to you as well, Bob And it is a morning morning isn't it? It's just nearly half nine. It's far too early for us to have things. It's a bit of a risk. Oh it's a bit of a brisk, is that the word? No brisk is how I run between my goals.

Do you ever get a brisk waddle on? Well I've started running as I told you in a recent episode I'm doing the couch to five-care challenge. Oh, you're gonna do a five-care? Well, I'll get there eventually. I'm on week four of eight weeks. And yesterday I ran for four minutes without stopping. Farming two occasion.

Could you do that? Could you do that? I could if I only had to run 20 yards. Well, it's not 20 yards, it's four entire minutes. So there you are. Four minutes of running. And eventually after eight weeks, the idea is that you don't five care.

And will you raise money for women's health, that kind of thing? No, I'll just raise awareness. Awareness of your plan. Awareness of my, yeah, my domination of the streets. No, I know that you like traveling on the train, and train on Rayleigh, but it's a necessary evil to come and do this with you.

Oh, right. Don't be so... Good miserable. I tell you what, you haven't told me to fork off for a while. Oh, call me a shit. Call me a shit. Oh, you f**k you shit. Yeah, I did. That's the f**k you shit. You really got it. Right, so I've got you...

I was traveling up to somewhere, Manchester, and I was on a virgin train. No, yeah. And it gave me the idea for this quiz. I thought you might like a train quiz. Okay. Train, yeah. And it gave me the idea for this quiz. I thought you might like a train quiz. Okay. Train Catering.

As a good name. Virgin Train. Catering quiz is Papabong Cheesepot Preenuts. Chibata. Oh, yeah. Give Chilly. Give me just a little bit more time.

So, from Ch from cheapest to most expensive or reverse. On the train. On the train. You're at the buffet. Is it three items? Three items, yeah. No, I wouldn't do four. You will. You'll retire before. No, I'll not. I'll not. Mac and cheese pot. Right. Ham and cheese. Chaya chicken salad. Oh God, that's tough. I'm gonna say the chili chicken salad is the most expensive than the Chia Bata and then the mac and whatever it was. It completely, you know, like totally rubbish.

Mac and cheese. Mac and cheese, But for 20. Chicken chili salad for. Ham and cheese, chaia, bata, three pound 90. Not a lot between them to be fair. Not easy. I think not a lot of wiggle room between the prices there. I would have thought you might have got that right

just by saying to yourself, all right, which would I like most? Well, I went off ingredients and I thought, Mark and Chase is the cheapest to produce, so therefore would be the cheapest to knock out. It's the one you'd abort though, isn't it? No, I don't like Mark and Chase. What would you go? I had gone for the chili chicken pot.

Chicken chili pot? Yeah, literally, I would have got, I did a train poem last night because I like being on the train. Go ahead and give it to me. The newer Zoomer trains promise a sleek smooth ride, but I see you've unleashed a fucking yoghurt, hacking away at the pot's stubborn dregs that cling towards grooved plastic base like your personal quest.

How much yoghurt will be enough for you? You ignorant noisy fuck. That was a... You're angry at that? That was a poor moment when we fell off passengers last night on the train. Oh, I see. Got a yoghurt. Got a yoghurt out. And he was determined to get every last bit of it.

You see, your psychopath, you've known, what is it, empathy thing? If you were eating a yoghurt pot, you think that the world was a dandelion, everything's a waste. I'd have me tongue in there. Yeah, but another person having a yoghurt, you think they're inconsiderate. No, there's ways and means of eating a yoghurt. I even move me fingers. Do you often eat movie finger? No.

Dip your finger in a socket of your finger. You'd have a dip? That's probably something that's come from you being a celebrity for over 30 years. You've been allowed to do things. You haven't been checked. Not anyone. Where is this mouth?

Bezile. You've been allowed to develop certain behaviors and no one said to you, no that's not acceptable. Crime Files There are monsters all around us hiding in plain sight. Who can you trust? Which one is out to get you? Are you safe speaking to no one and locking yourself away from the world? Evil doesn't have a face, evil doesn't

introduce itself and give you fair warning. A small, smiling, innocent looking fool might just turn out to be the bogeyman you feared as a child. the sea as a child. The small Burke Chatteron of Campbell had a population of just over 800. A small thriving high street and a reputation as one of the most popular commuter destinations for the London, the High Street, the London, the High Street, the middle classes. Not that much happened apart from the annual Campbell Fair and the occasional visit of a tourist bus to visit the stone circle on the village green. That was until the 14th of June 2019 when a certain Mr. Dom Littlewood pulled into town in search of a cowboy builder he wanted to expose. No. Yeah.

It was shorty, wasn't it? Neil Hunt was the local nonsense potter and had his workshop come gallery in a small stone bar and just behind the high street. He was at his wheel fashioning a nonsense pottery milk jug when Dom Little would enter. All right, Chase, not a little place you go here, what's the play, what's your angle? Excuse me, excuse me for wondering this but what an earth has it got to do with you? That's the friendly inquiries, son! What are you selling? What's your gift? What's your markup? How are your virgins?

I don't know, I'd have thought it was pretty obvious. I'm a nonsense potter, selling nonsense potries a very reasonable rate for the hours I put into each piece. Now, can I help you with something? And if not take a fuck off notice and serve it on yourself. Wow, don't need to get caution right on me, I was just wondering. If you're building works down on this jam, of course I have. I needed the floor reinforcing for the kiln and those skylights installed so I could see what I'm doing here. Listen, do you want to buy a piece or are you just cockney prick passing the time of day before the crack dealer turns up?

I'm just looking for a builder. I wonder if you had a recommendation for me. I used to look on Mandelic Phillips, a fucking ape of a man, but he did his work within schedule and without playing a fucking radio all day. Oh Derek Phillips, yeah, I'd like to have a word with him. Do you have his number, Andy? Oh, an address? Yes, but I'm not giving it to you without his permission. You could well be a Todd warrior as far as I know.

Ah, but if I was to buy one of these pointless nonsense vases, would that loosen your po-o-tang? No, it wouldn't, now fuck off! You've got your nonsense vases without losing your poo-oetang. No, it wouldn't, now fuck off! Dom grabbed a large elephant-themed vase from the shelf and dropped it to the floor. Pfft! Oh, how clumsy of me!

Free like-talking now, Potsy-wim-ain! Do you fuck, I'm- What the-what the fuck are you doing? How fucking dare you? How fucking dare you? That vase is worth 200 fucking quid. You pay for that sunshine and what's fucking more I'm calling the police. Neil picked up his mobile phone but it was immediately grabbed from him by Dom. It's ever-look-food or contact, shall we? See if there's a certain guillotine in there. You tiny bald fuck wallet! Give me my phone back or I'll fucking thrash you to with an inch of your tedious life!

At this point Dom grabbed the largest item on the shelf. An orange and black walland of ours decorated with images of canine police canine police units. No, no, no, no, not the canine sniffer dog centerpiece. Do you realize, do you even have a clue how valuable that piece is? Well, maybe 200 nika give a take a pound. You cheeky little cunt! It's worth well over a thousand pounds and cheap at that price. You should know that before you continue

that my wife's cousin Timothy owns a camper van with flame decals and my godparents son owns a shop that's allowed to sell bullets. Very interesting. Ah, here it is, Derek Phillips' builder. It's given him a bell, shall we? Don't you dare, don't you fucking dare you little chimp! With that needle dyed at Dom with all the force he could muster, the K-9 police fired shattered on the floor and the phone was thrust from Dom's hand. Dom pulled a leather man new utility to from his bomber jacket and thrust the Philip screwdriver attachment into Neil's lower back. Oh fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck me, that's tart!

What are you thinking of your little Todd sausage? And my bars! Just look at it, fucking look at it all that work why me why is it always Little old me I went to a million coffee morning yesterday and I once ran a 5k in aid of dogs with mong Don't climb on top of him and switched his tune to the pen life What are you doing? What are you actually fucking doing? I'm Neil Hunt nonsense potter! I'm fucking invincible!

How is that so? Let's see what happens when I gouge your eye out of his blade. Dom slowly brought the blade towards Neil pottery opened and in walked builder, Derek Phillips. I saw you, Rang, and I was just passing so I thought I'd pop in. Yes, yes, I've f*** off with the story, telling, and get this f***ing boiled egg off me! Derek picked up and held him mid-hair. What do you want me to do with Inboss?

Bite him! You fucking bite him! Bite him all over his shiny fucking skull! And then we'll lock him in the kill until fucking pancake day! And as Derek's teeth repeatedly penetrated Tom's head and face, Neil looked to the sky and declared, I'm Neil fucking hunt and I'm loving my life! Dom was released from the kill in the following day when his film crew came looking for him. He was unable to explain what had happened as his mind had flattened and reversed inwards. Crime files. Oh, blind me.

I'm so lucky. That was a good, that felt like two equals coming together. Yeah. And battling to the death almost. Going to the death. He just got chucked in the kilns. I've got a couple of questions from me, kids. For you, Bob.

Oh, great. Yeah. Question one. Do you like fast things, such as a fast motorbike, fast music or fast bird? Or do you prefer slow things such as the slow pouring of tricl, a slow snail or your slow brain? He he he. Whoa, it's good question. That's what the last good question. I think I like to stare at slow things.

Slow and urgent. Your time life is more easy for you to process. Second question, do you like big things like a big tower, a big bridge or a big lick? Or do you prefer tiny things such as a tiny mouse, a tiny petal on a flower or your, sorry, the tiny knob here. Sorry. I don't write these I've just rubbed out I like um what I'm trying to like best I think I like big things big things big old lake yeah like the look of sound of that oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh The guru is the guru, do not be alarmed and not. Alright, Magnini, you shit your pants. I feel we've been making progress in stripping away your layers of ego and discovering the

real and true Bob Mauma. Oh, I think that's right. Are you feeling an occasional disturbance in your shackles to be more specific, your night shackles? Oh, do you mean with the toilets? Oh this is generally just generally I'm not sleeping so I'll go roll back. No. I think you probably trained yourself to erect some emotional walls to help you ignore your disturbances at night. Right. You don't know what's happening but I can assure you that's what's happening.

Okay. I'll tell you something, man. The fact was a bunch of now. I would have placed my... Here's a question I hope will dig down, deep into your psyche. Do you own anything outright made from A-son of goals, B-massive diamonds, C-standard diamonds? I'm not interested in anything, you're still making monthly payments on it needs to be sending you own out rides Something I own out rides and I've got a nice category. I've got a nice little

Gold-plated I don't think it's solid now move on then what size TV? D.O. I've got I'm currently uses 65 inch Yes, that's the problem, I think. You're looking out at the TV screen when you should really be looking inwards at yourself, you see. Do you think that TV would fit in the back of a newspaper? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha It was a car, good, good. If I were to take it away in a car, would I probably have to wrap it to the doofay

for protection for the screen? Definitely fit. It's definitely fit, yeah. It's back of a car. Is it hard to set up? Can you just plug it in? No, it's good. And it auto searches channels.

Auto searches, it's good. This will be increased by the way. Will it work increased? Yeah, I don't, I don't see why I wouldn't. Absolutely. Does your washing machine include a tumble dryer as well? No. Mmm, that's the same.

Is it locked into a fitted kitchen or can it be easily removed? You could remove it quite easily, it's standing alone. No, I have that as well, it's better than nothing. Have you felt that a shift in your shakras during this consultation? Do you know I think maybe I haven't felt quite balanced. I don't know. On your first. Yes, good.

So you're going to make progress. I'll come round to more of the TV. For the TV, okay. And the washing machine. Oh, you're going to take that. Well, I'll get a van. Alright. Both, thank you.

The goal is departing from you now. The blood blood blood blood blood blood blood blood blood blood blood blood. Oh, I find them a terrific help you know Andy. Good. Terrific help. You know I made real progress on the trip. Have you got only one TV or two? I've got TV bedroom TV.

You should have told him you've got two. He's getting a van loss. He'll fit them both in. Got to worry about it. I'll tell him when he comes. I've got a song, it's I've managed to hack. Yeah, can you hack a wav? I've hacked it, oh, because you're a good part.

You're a good cloppers, he's got a little recording studio in his bungalow, right? Now, it's that top one there, Andy. Right? Called Club Hip Hop. Right. Oh yeah, for sure. I mean, wow! Give me a hug. Come on, let's smile this one out. I'm Jürgen Klopp. I'm the leader of the Liverpool regime. I'm Mr. Klopp. Pripy Klopp. I'm as codly as a kitten licking cream.

But when my ass gets itchy or unclean. Oh yeah baby come here. Put that dope cake down. Come on for sure. Let's make out in the boiler house. Let's do hugs. Not drugs. I'm Mr. Klopp, Blippi Klopp, I'm the savior of this football club. I'm Mr. Klopp, I overcome all conflicts with a hog. My train is stink, like a mixture of digestive biscuits and the gum in the sink. Oh yeah for sure! Have you ever been to dirtman? Oh wow you'd love it! They got liberal in the 60s and never let go! It's a sexy, you silk pajamas. Oh yeah!

I'm Jurgen Klopp, Blip-Bip Klopp, and the undisputed leader of the cup. I sweat a lot, just like a cheap bacon in a lukewarm pot. So that's what your organ's been up to. That's lovely. T.V.W.I.S. just to say, you know, the two big box sets at the moment

on your eye players and hopes on your hubs is the capture. I've heard about that. What's that about then? Oh, no, it's pretty good, Andy. It's still an offer at 10? Yeah, it's complicated, but it keeps you thinking. What's it about then? offer at 10. Yeah, it's complicated. But it keeps you think just about them. Well, it's just said it's complicated. It's about to complicate the experience. It's about foreign forces in the field of the CC TV footage. Oh, bloody hell.

And causing them to get a lot of grief to a fellow. Oh my. A wierry fellow. Oh, lad. And then that's coming down the line. That deep faking stuff, have you seen it? Where they can put your face on, with your videos. Well that's what it's all about. That's it. And then there's one on ITV. It's called, I don't know, is it called the accused or something? You couldn't have this one.

No. Everyone was going, hope, la, dingoly dude on Twitter's about it. I'm not on the Twitter at the minute of. Are you deleting the account here? You do, right? Sick of looking at it. I'm not on the Twitter at the minute of. Are you leaving it? You do, yeah. You do, right? Sick. I look under it. Never mind. Oh, the only thing I've been watching really is five gold rings. This Philip's goal failed. I don't know. Have you not seen it? Oh, it's crazy. Yeah. Two

couples, right? And there's there's a big floor with a screen on it. And they've got there's bits blanked out and they've got a identity fire where a certain thing would be on the picture by putting a gold ring on it. Yeah. And the rings get and they've got, there's bits blanked out and they've got to identify where a certain thing would be on the picture. By putting a gold ring on it. And the rings get smaller as it goes along and you win more money. All right.

Oh man, it's compelling. Well, I've been doing my YouTube as well, obviously. Yeah. And I'm looking at survivalist stuff. I think everyone ends there. Yeah, that's where we're all in. So I can now make... I'm thinking I'm moving to Crete.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I know something's great. in. So I can now make... I'm thinking I'm moving the crate. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I know something's crate, I can't think of it as... So I can now make a candle out of a tin of tuna. Really? Out of the tuna, right? Out of the, just the empty can. Tuna's in the can, out of a can of tuna.

Make a candle. Yeah, and I can also make a candle out of a little baby bell. Okay, yeah. That seems easier because that's got a waxy exterior. Oh yes, so what you're going to use as the wick? Cheese? Oh fuck off, cheese wick. What the fuck are you going to use it? Oh the little thing that you pulled to open it up go and have a look and go and have a look Oh, I'm interested I see the direction this podcast heading unfortunately Guess guess guess guess be supper. I want you to guess where I had for supper and cheers then I Bob You some new feature of Justin and James. Oh, well, I'm gonna say it just go with me first thought Chinese Take a little baby bell never mind

You had No baby bell. Never mind. You had one baby bell. And that's enough for me. Hey, I'm not the one on trial here. That's enough for a big old unit like you. There's no collaboration, it's just, guess it. And now the nebulation on this guy. That is not the case.

He's gonna get it right, get it wrong. Come over. Do you want even more high-quality content from us? Are you happy to bung us less than the price of a pint once a month for it? If so, you need to sign up to Club Pass Nips. Go to AthleticoMince.com slash Pass Nips now and find out more. Each month you'll get an episode of Athletico Pass Nips that you won't hear anywhere else. You'll get your mince episodes three years early and with all the adverts removed, you'll

get an exclusive animation from the podcast done for us by the genius that is Ben Picks and you'll get a compilation episode of the best bits from one of the characters from the podcast. There's also other occasional bits of bonus stuff such as the video for our live show from a couple of years ago. Become a parsniper now and you'll be helping to support the podcast future. Answers to all your questions should be found at atthliticalmins.com slash parsnips and you can sign up at patreon.com slash atthliticalmins.

Parsnips! Gangs of the E-P-L. So as you probably know there seems to be some problems going on at Spurs Andrew and as often the case is often the case it's gang related. There's been a big breakdown in relations between the white hearts led by Harry Kane and the Yordle boys led by Fatongan, Jan Fatongan, Toby and is a lot. He is, are we all started right? So about three weeks ago, Harry called a meeting of some of the white arts in his little captain's office at the training ground. Debbie, Eric and Harry Winks were there.

So Harry. Right, gang. As you know, we will soon be making our Halloween costumes and I wanted to give you a safety talk well ahead of mech there. Mmm. Debbie, thanks boss. Winksy. Thanks boss. Eric. Thanks. Ffff. Boss. First thing, Debbie, can you hand me those scissors?

Debbie hands Harry a pair of scissors with the blades facing Harry. Right gang, what has Debbie just done wrong there? Wingsie, he should have slipped them across the table. No thank you Wingsie, absolutely not. That could scratch the service of the valuable table and much worse they could overshoot and interfere with the tough of the carpet. It could be bloody orandous. Eric, he should have thrown them. Throwing scissors, have you burst a thaw tube and sent your senses to Pakistan? A sharp scissor blade could make the skin of the catch his hand,

on much worse scratch the surface of his retina. That could mean eye drops, and you know how much they can unsettle a man. Debbie, what do you say? I don't know a boss, it's upsetting me, it's making me hurt. He's so good. It's not you. Yes, it is. Not an age-cater, fluffy, bubbly Debbie. This is a safety talk, not the Spanish-Hingen-Lichrish board.

The answer is simple. You must always hand over scissors with the handle-facing away from you. I've got a pair of scissors for each of you to practice with. Well, as Harry handed them each a pair of scissors, there's a knock on the door, and they all say, if you want to club out seat, first you must feel our ferocious hate. So you're joining that thing? If you want to club out seat, first you must feel our ferocious hate. The door opens, and there is Stutt, Crispin Ericsson. Wind.

Hi, Arye. Wonder if a guy could have a word with you in private. Excuse me, Crispin, barging in here like a shrill window around a pretty kite, but this is White Heart's HQ and you're a Yordleboy and therefore our sworn enemy, I must say you've got a bloody shake! The thing is, I would like to join the White Arts, I've fallen out with Lord Fattongan and have started picking on me quite badly actually. That sounds awful, doesn't it guys?

Yes, very upsetting, says Debbie. But it is regular action. I would like to speak with you alone, Harry, for the details of the fallout, the highly personal and knowledge of them may be tantamount to occurs. Ok boys, gone. You were outside for a moment and practice handing the scissors over properly to each other. Debbie, oh fuckin' hell, that's not fair!

Come on Debbie, do what you told! So the leave and Harry and Crispin are on their own. Right, spit it out, and this better not be a Yordler's trick to try and to spy on our So the leave and Harry and Chris bin are on their own. Right, it's busy out and this better not be a Jodler's trick to try and to spy on our Halloween designs or some such other stuff and battenberg. Oh, last week after training, the Tongan sent me a message to meet him in the boiler room behind the shower block. When I got there, he was with that ape, Alder V. Veld and that lunatic Oreo. I bet that was quite distressing and timidating, especially in such a noisy confine space as a boiler room. Yes, you've got that right. Anyway, before I had a chance to speak, Toby

and Mario grabbed me, very roughly mind, and rubbed candy and pepper into my neck and cheeks, I cried out in pain and anguish until the tongon stopped me by placing his hand across my mouth. For tongon he said. Listen up, Crispin, and don't piss your pants like you did when we went to see the Lego movie. Oreo retorted. Ha ha ha! Do we still have the wind on this? No, it's only for Crispin. Ha ha! Lord Vatongan is how you say a fucking mentalist, I love it. The tongue can continue. We don't like you anymore, Crispin. We think your potential not bad.

So it's our intention to make your life a misery. So you leave this globe. Now, hand over your Yodla membership card, your Yodla gearing, and your Yodla cash clip. Well, what was I to do, Harry? I handed them over, and now I need your protection from them. I need you to take me under your wing. Help me, Harry. You'll not only hope. Well, I must say their behaviour is very alarming and very disconcerting.

No wonder you have been playing like you're wearing a heavily-siled nappy. I will have to ask the rest of the gang. So, Harry calls the White hearts back into the office. Right, Crispin, tell the gang you're upsetting story that you had just told me. But before he has a chance to speak, the door of the station recovered opens and out jumps for Tongan. I have white hearts, I have breached your security systems like a clever bastard and have heard everything. We all write about you all along, Crispin. You're a sneaky papa. For Tongan grabs Crispin by his neck and lifts him off his feet. If you think these English

lads can protect you, then you really are a skateboard fan. Quick Debbie says Ari, the scissors. Debbie thrusts the scissors into the tongue and side, handled first, and nicks his own palm on the blade. Blood the Elb Boss, that's a Pack of Shit Method. Don't Pack a Shit Me, Deborah! Winxley's the scissors! Winxley slides the scissors across the table and they fall at the tongue and's feet. Shit, Sony Boss, I forgot not to do that! I'm just a packet of shit! Don't be so hard on yourself, Wayne! See, you're not a packet of shit!

You got to believe! Eric, throw your scissors at him! But... but you... You said... Fuck, sir, Eric! You... Pack of shit! Oh God, don't actually do everything myself! At which point Harry climbed onto the desk, leapt into the air and brought his magic chin, hard down on the Tongan's head. He collapsed into a heap on the floor. Crispin.

BANG BANG BANG Thank you, Harry. Thank you, White Arts. I will endeavour to serve you well if you will have me amongst your number. Well, what do you say gang? Can you join us? He's very much in a pickle with a cream horn on top to boot. Those who agree say aye. Aye. Then Eric. Aye. We are the white hearts, feel our ferocious hate. By the way, Crispin, why is that annoying? Noise we hear every time you speak, a bit like wind passing over Poodle's handbag? Oh, Pollocks, sorry. That's my feelings. Gangs of the EPL. Definitely enhanced with the GANGES OF THE EPL! Definitely enhanced with the wind sound effect there.

Well, it needs something, didn't it? Look at the edit in all of those heads. Oh shit, I've a close attack, tacky problem. Oh, it'll be alright. Hello, I'm the secret Supa Superstar.Sup-R-Store, here with more tales and secrets about what it's really like to be a football player. These days the modern footballers are all dead rich and they get the buy loads of stuff with their spending money.

You've probably seen them on Instagram, shorn off their cars, their clothes and their company equipment. I can see it for a fact that there's a very well-known centre-backed war at one of the top, top, premier league clubs, and one of them's got his own oil rig, while the other one has got his own oil refinery. They make extra cash by selling booklets of pet runner that team meets every Monday morning after training. Of course it was all very different, but when I was a player I really wanted one of them outdoor telephones for me garden like Officer Dibble had on top cat. So I had a save up me spending money for a whole year till I finally got one.

Trouble was that it was installed by a body and every time I used it I got an electric shock. I couldn't afford to get it mended so I just started to pull up with it. Different times I suppose. That's about all the good times. I've got some names for you to choose from. Got them, I got them. Hefty Nicholson, I don't know anything about him. Q. Hey, you're for Silver Shoes. Gentle Raymond, a little bit of info.

He lives in the local authority, Terrace House in the North East with the surviving members of Banana Rama. And left behind. And left behind, and left behind, and around the room, next week. No thank you, no thank you. I've got to go London on the Mega Bus.

We're gonna start a podcasting. You've got to go and fill a four-way name in London. All right, London. See ya. Go on for the four-minute London. All right, then, just a- Yeah. you