Athletico Mince - Ep.15 - My Jambon Hell

Episode Date: June 15, 2016

Observation comedy from Bob’s Marseille hotel room, McClaren’s sunbathing woes, a charity do with the Alderman and loads and loads and loads of ham. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Music Wow! Are you hungry, Tonk? Yeah, alright, minty tits there. Can I just wear an explanation? I saw, can I just, just, where I've explanation, I saw that you sighed then, yeah? Yeah, but it hasn't bothered me because last week I had my sigh receptors not removed, I had them treated.

Yeah. They're blanked out with a chemical. You know, they've switched off. That's a good way to think about it. So, my sigh receptors, so I've seen you do it, but I haven't heard it. I don't feel nothing. I don't feel nothing. I feel fantastic. So, Miss Aries, I've seen you do it, but I haven't heard it. And you feel nothing. I don't feel nothing.

I feel fantastic. Good, because I feel like a free man now. A free man. So calm. And just serene. Yeah, I feel like a free man in a free advert in a free magazine. I'm that free.

The freedom times. Cool. Yeah. Well, you didn't play French music. No. Which surprised me, because we are in France this week. You've joined me in me or tell in Marseille at Le Verre port in Marseille. Here we are. Here we are. Thank you very much for coming. Up to our necks in Euro 2016.

Yeah. I sadly actually explain in case people are thinking of, I've got stories about the shenanigans of what I view, that after I saw it kicking off, I've actually been in the so-tell now, the weather's been shit anyway. And the clothes the fans on, not that were the dead gun there, so I've been in this hotel room now four days on the trots, sort of like, home arrest. That's all it feels like. Virtual prisoner, you got a lot of hamline around.

I have, I've got a lot of ham lying around. I have. I have. I've got a lot of ham on the head. Look, I've seen place, jam bon. Jam bon. Jam bon, right? And there is a reason for that. I'm Friday when I realised it wasn't safe. I thought I'd better batten down the ashes, get some supplies in.

So I nipped out, and it's not nice out there. And I nipped out, and there's a shop. I'm not going gonna say it's called this Janbon shop, but when I got in there I just seem to be good Janbonz. Well, Janbonz. Yeah, it's not like you get up the asda in packets It's like uncooked and thin sliced or different sorts of Janbon. So I got about five kilos of Janbonz It looks a bit like a Fallout from a waxing the abattoir in here. Well, when you smell it, God. Yeah. Well, the problem is, it's like, as I said,

it's not, I ain't got that little mini fridge there. But like, I've got, I've got it let you just subscribe to the listeners and the, I've got a fan on. And I've layered out a lot of the jam bond on top of the doover hoping the fans gonna keep it cold. I've got... Have you been in me toilet bathroom? No, I've filled up the sink in the bathroom and I've filled that with jam bond and see on me beds are terrible. That's layer actually, layered milk. I filled the sianbon in that.

So, jambon in milk. Well, I just try to keep it cool and eat, you know what I mean? So, I've got that and I've got pat, pat, I've got bread, yeah. Why are you laughing? What was you, what you got? It's just a vaccine. I've just arrived like 10 minutes ago, got off the tray and jumped in a taxi,

and I've walked in with this hell, the Jambon hell. Yeah, well it's the only two, to be honest with you. How long are you here for? I'm going to Leal on the 114. To do it. Yeah, I'm going to. Are you taking the Jambon with you? No, I'm just leaving. For the mead. Well, I haven't, I've put that sign up, none, none, none, none enter up to here. I don't really know. That's not that. And anyway, so, because Jambon is good stuff, if you went up there, but I can't go up the Azdaria,

so I've got all this different types of Jambon, sliced, fricking, pager, whatever. That's going off, I can hardly sleep. Have you seen me winder there, Andy? Yeah. That opens about four inches. And I put the jam on the, I put it on the cell so it could get the draft. Yeah, and I've knackered up the mechanism. So, I'm noisy in this room. And if you look

through, sorry, I'm going on about me room, Lesley, but it is quite, it is carnage, isn't it? It's horrific. I wouldn't even put a picture of the net, I wouldn't even tweet it. They wouldn't believe it. And look, Andy, you can't see from there. On the wall, opposite that bear's wall, someone's written, Viva tomato. Hey, that happens to be the graffiti. Well, you see someone. Well, I know, I can't get me for brass hand through that gap there. And it says, Viva tomato. Every time I look out the window, all I'm

reminded of is that I've remembered to get the pie. I got par. I got his young bum bruh didn't get any tomatoes. So you need you, you need your five of here. Oh, you do. If you're five of here, you can have scurvy. Of course. When you do with your five out there? You can have scurvy. Oh, of course. When you get the leel, some limes. Some limes in your pub.

Please. Get out of here, honestly. To be honest, I mean, it's beautiful. The weather hasn't been very good. And it's hot in here, sorry about that. I don't know. You're just wearing a basketball vest. Yeah.

I thought it would be like an England one, but it's not just, I see a basketball vest. It's just like a plain white cotton vest. I thought it would be like an England one but it's not just I see a basketball vest it's just like a plain white cotton vest and you've you've scrolled Chicago pastips on it in red marker pen. No I haven't. It just says Chicago that. I'll capture that. I'll do it because you can't because I'm not wearing that gun. Turn around. What's that on the back? Turn around. You've written you've scrolled some bullet points on the back of it. Yeah, I'm that on the back? Turn around, you've written, you've scrolled some bullet points on the back of it. Yeah, what are they? They'll shout be rad. Okay.

They'll shout the harsh the vibe. Okay. And they'll shout be punctual, wherever reasonably possible. Yeah. Well, I would actually, I would happily stroll around Lougharance with that on me back. Chicago pass nips. No, the only one that's not on there is your sister's car. Chicago pass nips. So, um, I haven't slept much

it's beginning to smell like your knickers in it so the big bonuses and I know we'll get onto the football night the big bonuses is you know how that means observational comedy oh you're a well-entered aren't we? and the hotel room so I've been writing observational comedy so do you want to hear a little bit of some yeah, yeah So I'll do the observational voice. I said oh I've never noticed like in the hotel in hotel that the lead on the cattle is so short You have to put the cattle on the floor next to the socket, which is really difficult with my brass and That's a good one. That's a good one, isn't it?

That's a good one. Seven out of ten. Okay. Ah, if you notice every time you go in the toilet, from the aircon and then it goes off after about 20 minutes, then you go for a wee and it goes back on and you go, oh god, forgot about, and your brass hand starts to vibrate. It's just... Do you like it? It's seven out of ten. Yeah, you turn on the shower, and someone set it at about 2,000 degrees,

and it all gets in your brass hand mechanism. Ha! You can't... Well, I'll just use the stupid plug. Got all the plugs are stupid, so you have to unscrew your brass hand, and use that, you know the plug in the sink? a'r yw'r ysgwb i'r plog. A'r ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r ysgwb i'r ysgwb i'r ysgwb i'r ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r ysgwb i'r ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r ysgwb i'r ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r ysgwb i'r ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r plog yn ysgwb i'r plog yn ysg open, have you ever noticed? So our mum meant to get me antthrew them, he brass-and, and show the pigeon. You know what I mean? Do you have you ever show the pigeon? Andy? No, but I don't want to don't get a fool. So yeah, you're like, I was a

vacation comedy. Can I ever go at that? Do it, my husband. I did one last week, no, about putting some petrol in the car, landed on the five pound exactly. You went, hey kids, you've got a future in this. So I've done some as well. Nice one. Er, I tell you who don't see much of these days.

The IRA. I tell you who don't see much of these days. Tommy Koewa. That's a good one yeah you don't the landline rag the other day I did that trick could have been anyone could have been the IRA the other day I took my two of my ice cream out the freezer after that one before I want to do it so that it'll be easy to scoop. That's quite good to beat my advice as well. So, but you'd lose the cost, you would don't want to rephrase it. You know, you've defrosted the whole.

Just enough, just so that it's soft enough. Just so that it's soft enough, to scoop. I'm not trying to defrost it, I'm trying to cram my milk. It's got, you know, like, with all the troubles in the world and the terrible possibilities with Brexit and that, it's nice to have a bit of observation and comedy in it. Yeah, God.

So, how we shine a brass end? Yeah, and the act to be a little bit over the brass end. Anyway, Steve McLaren. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, let me tell you about him. We're out in this week, yeah. Been in touch with his nervous.

So Steve went out in the garden in one of the sunny spells, yeah, and he fell asleep. He's under the one of the umbrellas. But one of his knackers was popping out on the shorts, yeah. And he got terribly, terribly sunburned. So he went in the kitchen and he got a ladle and he filled it with ice water.

And he stood there with his knackers in ice water in the ladle, fat lass comes in, turns out that's the ladle she uses for a baked bean pot, it's a ladle of baked beans onto a toast right, so she said, Steve! Steve! Steve, he dropped the ladle and called Walter onto a snake. Oh, it went under the snake. What's your record? Spilled up. Spilled up. Spilled up on her, like feather mules, how that she was wearing.

And he had such a bad night. He didn't want to go on about his knackers, well, killing him. And she didn't say her work, they watched the great sawing, but sawing, great, British sawing bay. Yeah. And didn't say her work, oh, and... So, she not brought the knackers up? Does she know?

Did you know what he was going to do? He didn't get a chance to explain. I'd say it's interesting. I wonder if she thinks he was doing so much perfectly, but... I wonder if he's tight and short to work? I'll tie up. Oh, but he wears a knackers?

I've also got low knackers. Low swinging knackers. I don't want to get into that, Andy. I tell you, he's got low swinging knackers, just to be honest, you don't know where I'll go. Really? Yeah. he's got a loose way in that because the owner of Ronaldo. Really? Yeah. And what he does, you know, at half time, he just lowers them gently.

He's got like a trough in the dresser room and he just lowers them into this trough of warm almond oil. Nice. And it keeps him lubricated. The ball, obviously, he shaves them, ball balls. Really ball balls to call him. And that's what he does. So Ronaldo has balls, really ball balls to call him. And that's what he does. So Ronaldo as Boz it's it's cool in yeah it's lubricating so that when he's going at those

electrics you know those stepovers you can catch your knackers on a stepover couldn't you could twist them you could twist them. You're rubbercubly yeah but when they're well oiled and lubricated they'll just slide over each other, basically. So yeah, that's so that you know, I'm really would have been after the draw last night with Iceland, if his balls haven't been warm and lubricated. Tell me Andy, I was watching that on the telly here, the scene me telly, what size you're in, the jambod. What size you're in, it is 33. No, I don't think you see, but I think it's probably about a 27. Anywhere, and you only get two with the matches because I ain't got a satellite. Anywhere's, I was funny.

I'm just going to go on about Steve McLean so it's ever so quick because it happened this week as well. He went the pet shop to get his mice with the snake with the fatness for the snake. And like she fell in love with this fluffy, gerb of thing. Yeah, Steve, look, Steve held it up to his chin, right? And he said,

Oh, this is all it looks like when you struggle me. Yeah. But we hadn't realized, was the snake was round his neck. Oh God. One freaking bite bang. This little ampster furry gully picking. Yeah, halfway down the street.

Let me know. Yeah. Oh, he's banned that with that shot now, because of course, obviously, you've had that last spewed up. The list grows and grows grows doesn't it? Yes he's spewed up beans all over the pet shop floor. Anyway it's enough for Steve McLaren. Maybe he's just stopped giving it the mice. I was just changing his diet. Yeah. He's brought a vegetarian diet or something. So do you would do the just thinking lottery-wise Andy? Yeah. I've never met anyone who does the health lottery,

I've never met anyone who does the health lottery, the post-code lottery, or say, Foxy Bingo, you know, these cheap and... Yeah, do you? I only do the health lottery now, because obviously health's important to us. It's good to be healthy. What you think you win health, do you? Well, yeah, health points.

Like on a computer game, you know, and it's got them hearts at the top of the screen Yeah, the more healthy you've got the bigger your hearts are Yeah, I do the health lot because like that woman says on the advert just I've stopped doing the prop a lottery because Your daughter winners much and there's too many numbers in the machine. Yeah, so I'm like that So if I if I had been on the health lottery, I wouldn't have had me out problems. Well, I kind of see a side typically for certain,

but I would, yeah, pretty much. Yeah. You went for the greedy lottery. I don't do the lottery. Do you not do any of this? I used to do Wednesday. You know, they used to say Wednesday was Wednesday. Yeah.

And I believed them. I thought I said to the wife, I said, have you ever had to go in on Wednesday? You win. But I never did. So I packed in. You're a millionaire as well, so why would you need to go? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wipes questions. Are you interested? Do you want to do some questions or give me some facts? I've got some questions here. Oh, here we go. I'm going to do my questions first this week from

Blue Reltos. Not on the fucking jam bon. Sorry, boy. from Blood Reltives. Err... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... Ehh... E of seashells that used to belong to Andy Warhol and your hotel room, little to the roof with Jambon. It's father's day on Sunday Bob. Hey! Do you act as a kind of a father figure at the Yoslives and are you the kind of father who pretends to produce an egg from behind his ear to amuse them? Are you the kind of hits the whiskey as soon as he walks in through the door after work and kicks off when they play football with a balloon in the hallway, grabbing it from them and sticking your typing in it. I'm not millionaires, I don't have any stuff, I don't have stuff, I don't have any slaves at all. You got a gardener hat stuff? Yeah, I kind of have a slave, isn't it? No, he's a gardener. If you saw him, you wouldn't say you're so his first, he's a slave, I tell you. But if you're trying to say somewhere that I'm a fun dad, I'd like to think so, yeah.

Right. Can I have a look? I don't want to podcast with your lads next week, so. Well, you asked him from this. He's got his examis, as we speak. We're doing philosophy and religious stuff. That's quite deep. Yeah, well, I mean, good luck to him. Good luck more mature.

Oh he does good. Oh like what kind of jobs are going to get from that? I think it's going in here at your millions and just piss it away. Next question. Question two, do you make your slaves sit at your feet while you read them bedtime stories knowing that they can't understand the word you're seeing as they speak no English other than a few command phrases that you've taught them which is just how you like it. I don't, I'm a manchin, I don't have any staff slaves, so I don't have any slaves. Next question. Do you insist to call you Papa Bob? If I had slaves or servants, whichever way you call it, I would like them to call me Papa Robert actually. Oh. Oh. I was always known. Oh, I was only known as Robert. I only became Bob for two very reasons.

People back home call me Robert. A Rob. Yeah. Back off. You never go back home the day because you're not allowed. I do. I had to go up there to do charity work. To you? Yeah. Is that the end of your question? No, I've got another one. We'll be honest with you about the charity work.

It's not the father's dear, Elliot, and one now I'm going to mention his charity work again. So don't believe it. Does the dirt the older man insist that you call call him daddy or is it the other way around? Who did you say the Oldman? The Dirtly Oldman. But he's not... My contact with the Oldman is limited to business functions and charity functions. Is that for legal reasons?

I'll just repeat what I've said. My relationship with the Oldman is purely Prisoners professional relationships. Is that why you kiss him? Charity function. Andy, let me tell you about the charity function. I went to last week, which is obviously what you're... Yes, which is obviously what you're hinting at, right? Do you know what an Oldman is? Yeah. What, go on then? It's like a vicar. I like a vicar. Old man.

It's like a cross between a vicar and a mayor. It's for like villages that can't afford to have a vicar. And a mayor. You have an old man and he does both. Right, no. What an old man is. He's the person. You say you've worked 20 counsells under what's Sunn and Borough council.

Yeah. To look after the bungalows and the straight reference. You know, like, bungalows. They say you've got a Chinese community, but no Chinese people are represented on the council. The councillors, not the voters, can vote for someone upstanding from the Chinese community to come on the council to offer their expertise. So they're co-opted from the community and to signify that they get a special chain.

Anyway, so I was at a charity to up north. Was up north to Eulite Watford? No, it was up north, it was in Stockton. It was a charity to help death kids kids you know the parents yeah well you know a Daff kids a good laugh no I got Daff like I'm not a Daff be avian yeah Daff do Daff funny and about that yeah you know I don't want to upset anyone let's just say Daff kids yeah the Daff kids the listeners know what we're talking about, right?

And guess where I'm certain next to. The Old Man? The Old Man. Yeah. From down your way. Yeah, the Old Man. I'm stocked in Old Man. The Old Man.

I need out a few. He kept that lick in his lips. So I knew what it was after. What was he after? And they kissed. They were the kiss, didn't they? So I got eventually, of course, I've got a go at the tone of charge, right? So I get up and he doesn't follow, so I think, thank God for that. And I get in a turn, I'm sitting on the toilet, on the toilet, toad in.

And I look up, do you know there's always a gap between the top of the cubicle and the ceiling? Yeah. I've always thought that must be for hand puppet shows. At some point, probably back in the days of the Empire, you know, we'll have had people in toilets that did them, put them to us. I just don't understand that gap is probably a structural thing. Anyway, suddenly quite a big, about five inch pair of plastic comedy, you're like,

Hen like, lips are thrown to the door, right? Oh, oh, yeah, here he comes. This happened. Yeah, so it's, and on the words it says, it has the words kiss the alderman on them. So I'm fucking hell, he's out there, whatever. I opened the door. Absolutely true.

The town clerk's there, the mayor and all this crawdys. Right. And the alderman is sat in the sink, in his undies. And they're all shouting, kiss the man kiss the old man kiss the old man So I could do you do yeah, I didn't yeah, I kissed the old man. So I got so just done the cheek. I gave him quite a long kiss on the lips Ticks no, and it's just a really I call it a nice kiss. Yeah, yeah. A nice, solid, dense kiss on the older man. Oh, I can't remember why we started talking about that book. You want the top of your charity work?

I think you want the short for about your charity work. Well, I do, do you do charity work? No, exactly. Exactly. Straight quit at the NSPCC, but now again, I give a quid a month to the RSPCA. Yeah, then, listen up, oes, oes, oes. Gwyddiadau.

Mae'r rhysbysio, oes, oes, oes, oes, oes, Cuffs. Yeah, but it's lovely. Yeah. If anything, I'm probably responsible for the downfall of British Home Stores. So I need to give an answer to the wife. How many sachets you use? Little sachets. How many sachets? A dozen sachets for breakfast.

Yeah. Just in warm water or something like that. Just straight out the sachet. Okay. I, my wife says, and she was very, very distressed by this memory, she once went up the Azadah. was the Azda in Ashford, actually, and saw a woman wearing two different shoes. Is this the norm up the Azda?

I think the two different garment thing is the norm everywhere. Jeff Boothon, Italian Gulquet, by War II, different coloured gloves of the night. Yes, he did. A lot of the Premier League footballers, the ones that you wouldn't like to spend time with on a personal level, with different coloured boots. Probably just an extension of that. Yeah. Is there two boots for double sponsorship as I'm right? I don't know, I think it's just two favourite colours. I can understand. I've picked one favourite colour, but now it is.

I've had more colours than these. Can I use your favourite colour? You can have a go. Will you be honest though? I will. You're just going to say no, but I think your favourite colour is red. I've got a two-month-old man. Say, got a two-month-old man.

What's your name? I'm a tweet about this in the past. No. Hi, my name is Andy and my favourite colour is red. I'm a red colour. Red all day long. I got that right, it's fucked you off, aren't it? Yeah, that's a bit.

So you say that's the norm. Andy, I noticed from your previous Twitter that you made a gate for your fungalore from old palettes and fringe panels. I take it then that your fungalo isn't in a conservation area. I am not prepared to answer that question and potentially incriminate myself. Why are you so, what is it someone after you? Why are you so sensitive? First of all, I don't want anyone to know where the fungalo is. Why not? Well, you just have people knocking on the door all the time

wanting to come in and join in the fun? Uh, because of the fun. Well, I've fulfilled it with Jambon, I suppose. That would keep in the way I wouldn't it? What am I going to do with this shit? No, I mean, I'm going in. What? I'm going in an hour. I'm just...

You're not going to get it all eaten, are you? No, I'm just going to pick off. Just leave it. Have you seen how oil comes out of it? Let's just spew on it. It's mixed from it. It's all dirtywing it. It's mixed from the way. Anyway, it's up. That's the jambon.

Is that only your questions? Yeah, that's what I thought you'd think. Okay, three. Yeah. Do you know I'm going, I tell you, man, I'm going to leave tomorrow. When you get there, what are you going to do? What are you going to eat?

Well, I'm open to McDonald's or something. No, you know what? Because I actually meet. Do you know the name of it? Yeah. They've got to see over there by whatever I don't want you to call that thing. Shamee, but that thing there is room service menu, yeah?

Completely in French and nothing means anything to me. Well, just bring up and... But that's what I did. I rang up and the jib, what I called jib, you out. I said, hello there, could I order some room service? And I, yeah, I'm turning it on, whatever. I don't know. Vous Anglais, eh?

Nothing. Not gonna go over there, yeah? Not saying I blame them for that. So I looked at it only for a mongi's eat, yeah? So I got mongi's, mongi's, mongi's, yeah? Phone, it put two and two together, wouldn't there? I'm in my room and I'm talking eating, yeah, so I go mange mange mange mange yeah phone it put two and two together wouldn't that I'm in my room And I'm talking eating Yeah, so I didn't know what the stuff was on the men it was one thing I knew where it was bad in money

So I said all all toot yeah all all Yeah, yeah, yeah, so Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, Christ. So, 10 minutes later, the camera with a carrier bag of peace, Monch to God. I'm sorry, Andy. So I've been, you think you're five a day, though, but it's been driving me mad this place. That's when, when you get the leel for Christ's sake,

don't go on a jambon shop. Do you know when I get a little, I'm just saying, I've got a little bit of book flashing me stomach because unbeknown to me, the hotel I booked, yeah, the hotel I booked is about 500 yards from the stadium where Russia are playing Slovakia. Oh that'll be alright then, you might be at the city into the stadium from your room. Oh man I'm a bit worried. I'm a bit worried about it. I'll tell you anyway we'll see how it goes. Just lock your door.

I was in the fans' on, I'm Thursday. Right. Was a Friday for the opening game, anyway. Best stock dogs. Best stock dogs, and we're better than the old, old, old cinema out dogs. Can you believe that? Right. I'm surprised that I didn't subdue everybody.

Well, the out dogs. That's quick, yeah. Well, when the Russians sort of stormed the fans on. Yeah. The English should have just held out some hot dogs then we go. Hey, a gauze square? They've been us saving, great. Get you off of the gate around these. But they've been us saving, great, because you know all the Russian ones have got gum

shields. Yeah. Yeah, so the English thugs, they're all stuffing up dogs around the gums inside. Bit of bread. Bit of bread in that. And probably a bit of fucking jam bono in this town. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Yeah. With a hard boiled egg.

I've never had it before, but I wouldn't turn it down. Honestly, you'd put them till together. Don't knock it till you've tried it. It's like chicken dipters. Chicken from. Wait a bit so we'll put her on it. Don't not until you've tried it. So well will you give that a go for me and report back. Yeah. Have you watched Mop 1? What was it again? Hot carrots. You know I don't know what you got a cooked carrot. You put your peel a carrot. You put it in a boiled carrot. Yeah. Boiled carrot with a cold hard boiled. Shopping up first though.

Don't just boil the whole thing. Well whatever, I don't know, you cut your, presuming you put me in your fucking dry fry idea. I might try boiling the whole thing actually. What do you mean, you put your egg in the fryer? Just an entire carrot boiled. Yeah. Served with say two boiled eggs.

Hey, you could make it look like a painless. Do you dip it in the egg? No, I'm saying our boiled egg. It would look like running all those boiled boils. Yeah. All boils. Do you notice him? That match, right now, though, kept putting on this insipid sort of smile. No. Yeah, you did. You know, like, like, all right, I'll forget it that. No, I didn't. Yeah, you did. He kept putting on this, forget, odd smile. And I'm trying to use something that we didn't. Yeah I was trying to work out what is he trying to say that he's above this that this is this is a clown's game it's not a world cup is it so he's not

technically seriously. I couldn't understand it well I mean he won't very good anyway was he. Go on then hit me with some it. I've got some more euro facts. Go on then. I like the making me um comedian voice. It's quite a lot of you, I think. To be honest. Comedian voice? It's up to you, Andy. I prefer you just, I stress that good facts do. Sweden has the highest percentage of female trade

surgeons in Europe. Excellent. Can I say, excellent point. And true. And I will never have a career. I will never, ever forget it. Thank you. The Albany in language has no word for scissors.

Fabulous, but I don't believe it. Belgium has outlawed the use of the phrase, Japs Eye. Really? True. And how is there a police force, is there a special quango that enforces Japs Eye talk? Japs Eye talk. They troll the internet for people using it on social media. Yeah. Come down on them like a ton of bricks will they do.

Yeah. And put a pistol in the JAPSI. And there's probably like, sick, repolice, hide and on street corners, you know, like they used to have the Stasi in East Germany. Yeah. They'll have that. It's a bit like that. I hear it's got that Stasi vibe, you know, because you're these Russians, you can't tell

it really out. It's very enough though. Well, I mean, the British didn't think they were going to be fighting for a inspector, did they? So it seems to have turned out. So, Tobias, I've just been reading your latest Tabitha, yeah, Tabitha, Hundle and Mystery, what you're writing. How have you got that? That's not available for publication yet. I've got older, don't you worry. I've got an email to me. So let's just have a look at this extract. I was looking at it. It's pathetic, Andy. Andy took off his shirt and picked up the big sack of oats as if it was just a bag of very light-weight mushrooms.

He tossed it aside and beckoned me to join him on the straw. You remember this? It's a brilliant character. I was powerless to refuse, almost hypnotized by his glistening tits and the smell of chicken dippers. No, hold on, chicken deans that hung in the air. Chicken deans. Yeah, continental marker in it. So what are you trying to pass off dippers as deans? Just never mind about that. That's what you're doing in it.

It's for the continental marker. Do you think Harry Potter's only for sealing Britain? You're gonna do it. You've got to make a universal man. You're gonna get straighter. I can see in you. As you're gonna strike up a deal with Iceland like Andy Dawson's chicken deezons.

Tabitha Huntley's chicken deezons. Tabitha Huntley's mysterious chicken deezons. What's the mystery ingredient? Only Tabitha knows. Yeah. He'll want to make love. That's what it will say. Once he's had a Tabitha knows. Yeah. He'll want to make love. That's what it will say. Once he's had a fistful of these.

Yeah. Now, it's work, well, I thought that actually, let's put Andy, people are going to see through that. Andy took off his shirt, picked up a big sack of oats as if it was just a bag of very light mushroom. Look, the character might not be called Andy in the finished version. I just put that there as like a place hall look because that's my name

It isn't necessarily gonna be called Andy. So you wish but in your mind writing you think wouldn't be great if I if Tabitha really fancied me But Tabitha's just is your perfect woman then yeah, it's weird shit that you're writing about Tabitha But you fall in love with tapetha. Yeah That is strange and I'm I'm decided I'm gonna cast as tabitha in the movie yet, so I know it will be with you Susan off From the bangles. Yeah, with the marker pen. I'll over I'll tell you I saw your eyes like up when I mentioned so yeah You like Debbie are you don't yeah, old you like it was a bit more modern I mentioned so, you like Debbie Ari, don't you? Yeah. Older light was a bit more modern.

Uh, Esther Ranson? You like Esther? Yeah. Well, is it because you'd like to say a teeth, like gnashing into a dip, uh? Listening in the moonlight. Yeah. Bang goes your dipper as a jawline.

Songs. And down a gullet. So anything else, Andy? I haven't really got more shells because I'll tell you what, I've got to make this journey. I've got to leave this jambon behind. This is a jambon hell and take this trip up to Leal. Are you getting there?

You go on there? I'm going, I'm, I'm, I'm having Leal Europe. No, so I'm getting it, it's, it's their TGV train. Yeah. And then I check it, I go to this place where the Russia where the Russia matches and then the next day I go back in the Leal and I got a lens about 24 miles away. Right. Yeah, I'm looking at Fort Abund some decent food and mackeys. Oh, you know what's going on here? Well, you got accidentally by a shitload of jambon burger. Well, knowing this

country, you'll just say a burger, but it'll be a jam-bon burger. Yep. Got it. Anyway, want me to finish with a song? Give us a song, Bob. Thanks for coming, Andy. Obviously, you're coming along with me. We're pretending you're not. Are you coming along to my, to Leo with me?

Am I coming along? What are you doing today? No, I'm going back home. So you've come in today. I've come here just to do this in Marcia. And I'm going back to Sonland. So you've used your bet on Brazil money to come down here Yeah, and then go back home. Yeah, but it's alright because I've got that tip and wheels wheels draw About 16 to 1 there about okay. Well, I'll put a quid on that. So I'm on in the train station

I'm still here next week. Next week you know, are you coming? I'll come back yet. All right, fair enough Here's me song. I hope it feels pertinent to where we are at the moment. I was lost in France without chicken dippas or a chance of romance feels like I'm lost in time. I've eaten so much jambundered, I've started pissing Brian yet some last In France, Leal here I come, good luck to England! Thank you.