Athletico Mince - Ep.5 - Napoleon’s Bed

Episode Date: April 5, 2016

Fun camping games, Janet Jackson, dry rising outlets, custard-filled balls, and a minimum of 8% football. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy respons essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See out for details. You alright there, Bob? Yeah, alright, Andy. Here we are again. I thought they'd go mince. I thought they'd go mince. The football podcast that no one really wanted.

They didn't want it, they got it. I'm happy to go along with mince now as well. I think that's bedded in. Have you found peace with that now? Have you got closure? I got closure on that. We'll along with mince now as well. I think that's bedded in. Have you found peace with that now? I've got closure. I got closure on that. We'll call it mince. Why does it always whenever you walk in this room? Why does it always smell a little bit like Timpsons? You know cake cut it? I'm just assuming I like to do before you come along. What cupcakes? Cookies. Yeah. I've got a bag of them in the corner. Are they for anything in particular? I'll just cut keys. It's just something to keep me hands busy.

Well, it's better than the other obvious halter. And I enjoy the corner. Are they for anything in particular? I'll just cut keys. It's just something to keep me hands busy. Well, it's better than the other obvious alternative. And I enjoy the machinery. Yeah. Yeah. You're not being sniffing global though, nothing. No, absolutely. Just cutting case. Okay, so what've we got this week? Well, coming up, we've got Lewis Suarez and his toilet habits. Lewis Suarez. Lewis Suarez. Is he, is he, is he Louis Suarez? Like Louis Collins. I've called you said Louis. Like Louis Collins. Yeah, no, no. Louis. L-E-W-I-S.

Oh, yes, yeah. Suarez. We've got a Brazilian team that's been humiliated by their own fans. Okay. Well, in favour of that sort of thing. Jack Wilshire. He's been hiding behind some bins this week. He's been in trouble, I think he? Yeah. And Steven Nismith, he's been grabbing a penis. I see. He has. But we'll cover all that later on. Do you know when you talk about grabbing a penis, I'm instantly reminded, do you feel you're going to be interested in this story? I'm bow it out. It's got everything you might like, painless.

Key curtain? No, key curtain, no. So, it is a game I used to play that involved touching the painless. It might be interested. I think it was me and Vic whenever we went camping. I think we used to call it cock and arrow, or a robbing of Sherwood or something like that. But what we used to do is we used to get a bit of mother's pride, you know,

cheap bread, long loaf. Yeah. One of the longies, long loaf, war buttons, that's a newcomer to me, war buttons. Anyway, we used to roll it into a bowl right about the size of a ping pong ball, yeah. And we used to get a saucepan and an arrow from a born arrow, yeah

Right, okay, and then one of you had to throw it as high as you could in the air If the other one caught it and it stayed in the pan Yeah, the other one had to shout out touch your cock with the arrow And they would touch put the point of the arrow towards their growing area. We were fully clothed. Yeah, nothing But um, and this is when you were camping, whenever we weren't camping, yeah, because when you're camping, what have you got with you? You've got bread, you've got salt and water. And water. Obviously. For sustenance.

So there you are. I don't know if that ties in with Smith, but you said there weren't touching, touching cock or something. It's in the same ballpark. Yeah. Was it, was this a public compensator? The one I remember, particularly, we did it in a car park in Liverpool. Right. We went, I'll be honest, we weren't camping in the car park.

And we did it in a field behind a pub. We probably did it in more cases, a terrific game. There you go, then. You've shared that with the nation now. Yeah, and I'm so upset that we've started a podcast talking about penises. It's mostly penises this way to be said, isn't. That's going to be the title of it, mostly penises. No, my or not, Andy. Can I just move on to your status as self-confessed memory, my? I'm the memory man football statistics.

Yeah, that's basically why you're here, isn't it? Well, it's one of the reasons I mean it's pretty much the only reason. Yeah, okay. Well, I've got another question for you Another memory question. So just Briece's self. Yeah Bob. Yep Do you remember when Ron Atkinson Was the manager of West Bromwich Albion? Yes was the manager of West Bromwich Albion. Yes. Hey! There we go.

Brilliant! And... Well, there's a secondary question. Do you remember what happened next? Yes, I do. Oh, there you go. What about that? I do. Bob Mortimer.

The memory man. Thank you. Lady St. Chandler-Man. Yeah, well, it doesn't come without hard work. I notice you haven't asked about the health by the way, once again. I'm not interested in health. All right, for now, enough. Shall I comment on your health? Well, I would you think I look handy.

You look rough. Oh, I look rough. You haven't shaved. I'm wondering if he maybe is a bit depressed. Well, you, that's from a long back when, like a shaving was associated with mental illness, isn't it? When Arthur Fowler, I was well done to my extenders and pulled the Christmas tree down. He was on the shave and then.

Exactly, no, now I'm with you. You got that kind of look about you. Well, but at times I've moved on. This is a very, this is a, what you call it, look, it's not swolves, it's a different word than that. I look really good. No. No, you look like you're about to pull something apart in a a fit of rage. You look like you're suppressing something. Yeah. Well, thanks for showing such an

interest in me health. I've probably shown more interest than I've actually got to be honest. Right, let's get to it. Have you got a favourite Janna Jackson song? Yes. Good. Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. That's the one about social justice, isn't it? I don't know what it's about. I never used to listen to the lyrics, but when we did the big night out, we used to come out to that music. When I think of you, that's my favourite.

And the... Yeah. Everything goes all weird. It is something I'd like to tell you about. And the football community. Is that I've been investigating to what extent balls go out with shape your footballs in the course of a match and I've got a very good friend at

Loftbra, Leo Bernat, right? And he's done some work on this. He's measured the circumference both ways, east to west north to south of a match. But the kickoff, and the circumferences after. Right. And the out-shape-and-ness of the ball can vary up to about seven millimeters in favour of one of the axis, yeah? Right. Here's the thing. Did you see payees for e-kick?

Yes. Wasn't it lovely? Wasn't it lovely? Do you think, did you know it's also that they switched the ball about three minutes before that free kick? I didn't notice that because I'm not asked. Well, maybe that's the reason for that. So you think that because they were playing with,

well, were they playing with a perfect ball or was it a tampered ball? Well, I'm not, look, I don't want to get into trouble here, Andy. All I'm saying is, is that a bit like the cricket, the shape and condition of the ball varies. Seven millimeters. Up to seven millimeters. Can you imagine? So, is a great guy.

What are you trying to say? I do not, I'm a little bit worried that I'm saying something I shouldn't be saying. I don't even know what you're saying. What I'm saying is that here's a scenario, right? An out of shirt ball on the training ground, Pair smack set, everyone goes, fuck, did you say that flight of that ball?

Yeah. And then they look at the ball and they say, when the ball's this shape, we've got a lethal weapon on our own there. I wonder if we had this ball ready to put on the say, when the ball's this shape, we've got a lethal weapon on our own here. I wonder if we had this ball ready to put on the pitch. Right. When we've got a free kick. It did go up and down quite a bit. I used to suggest that they'd actually put a rugby ball on. No, I know. Nobody had noticed. I'm not going to push you away if you're going to be like this about it. If you don't want to understand the game fair enough

let's just chit chat about something else. Here's one. We had Middlesbrassine, one of these, Vietnames is it? I don't know. I'll sound terribly ignorant here but you know like Kim C. Jung. Right, yeah, you know, one of the farest. From the farest. South C. From the farest. Yeah, yeah. Some of the greatest footballers. You know what's coming after this bit, don't you?

Yeah. And we signed one called Kim Song Nook, yeah. And the problem Andy was was that he never ran down the channels. He was always running... Cranies! Cranies! Because he was called Nook, you see. Yeah. That was just...

Oh, is that your joke with this week? Well, yeah. Oh. Yeah. So, anyway. Well, we'll just have a little bit of far-east music then, shall we just sort of... So you're not... And then... talk about it. Yeah, I'm not I understood it. It's didn't it was very good. Okay. We'll just have a bit of the music just to take us out of that section

Right Right, show where we go from here to be honest. It's kind of reached a new law, I think. The best thing I ever saw, shout it outside of football ground. Wonderful laddus sells the flamie to the moon, which is the middle of the franzing. We're still outside, I think it was the forest ground. And next to him was one of those signs on the wall that says, dry rising outlet. Yes. So he was stood there with his magazines shouting, dry rising outlet. Dry rising outlet.

I thought that was terrific. Did he sell any? I don't know. Dry rising outlet. Well, he wishes. I bet that's an expensive unit. Do you? I don't know. Dry rising outlets. Well, he wishes. I bet that's an expensive unit. Do you know what? You get more per unit than you would from a fan's unit. Exactly. He's in the wrong game.

Have you any idea what a dry rising outlet is? Just to deal with damp, isn't it? Is it damped costs? I don't know, probably. Rising damp, dry rot. But I am in agreement with you that the unit price of a dry rising outlet will be more than a per unit.

For a per unit, it's got to be super-earned, a dry rising outlet, isn't it? It'll be good margins on that. Then some half-ast fancy. No disrespect to fly me to the moon. No, please don't. It's the best fancy in the world. Well, thank you. To middle-sprung fans.

No, to anyone. Really? You've read the moral of you. Andy, do you prefer pointing at ducks when they're in flight or when they're just like waddling on the ground I'll salute when they're in flight and point when they're in the ground level thank you I'll take that off me right down yeah right and football for more news Lewis Suarez yeah what do we know about Lewis Suarez. What do we know about Lewis Suarez? Demon in the box, he bites, Players for Barcelona. Yep. What do you want from me? Where do you think he stands on hygiene?

I'll be honest with you. I'll be honest with you 50-50. Yeah, yeah, you've got a passing interest in it, but he's not obsessed. Not obsessed in the slightest, I wouldn't think. No, I shouldn't think I should think he washes his hands after a number two, but not after a number one. Because you don't anymore, do you? You've said that you don't care anymore. I'm sorry, I don't know. That's fine. How do you how do you how much of a father do you think is? Is he a good father or an indifferent one? I'm at a 50 50 again, slightly absent for father. Yeah. No, I'll go shut. No, he's probably all right, actually. Yeah, give me a bit of that. He probably spends most of his time in front of a huge, a huge smart TV, eating massive fruits. You know the big fruits, melons, pineapples, all the big fruits. And probably as a

thing, Chethys got his goth of it. Yeah, I suppose, yeah. You use it if you got him. We're exactly. God's gift, aren't there? So I think no, I've probably quite a family man. All right, well, but the dirty one. Yeah. Well, Louis Suarez, it transpires, sits down on a urinate. Do I think now? Which is sometimes known as the Emperor's piss. Right? And that's what he does. And he's confessed to that this week. What did he say? In the media. What did he say? He's exact words were. I'm not going to do the accent because you know, could go into all sorts of trouble.

When peeing, I am a clean man. This is an issue of hygiene for me because I have two children. I do not want it to squirt on the ground. So I pee sitting down. Hmm. Do you know what's interesting now, and that word squirt? Do you think these are problems? Do you think these are problems with ear and trajectory?

And what he's actually doing is he's blaming it on worrying about the kids. Wow, there's all sorts of scenarios, but my worry is a squirt, I think, over the short burst. Yeah. Now, if you sat down and the humidity is at certain level and all the conditions arise, it is in Barcelona.

Yeah. Exactly. That little, if it's a squirt, like a jet, it could go through that gap between seat and bowl. And then you've got a terrible mess on your head. It could, yeah. Well, he said they're apparently not unless he's got some kind of facility around the rim that catches it.

A lip. A lip. Yeah. Yeah. Something like that. A squirty lip. But he says that it's because of his kids so he sits down. No, well, good man.

If that says motivation and I don't believe it. You don't believe it. No, I think the sole theory of what of here? Well, possible theory of what I've got to be. I think first of all, he's sitting down to pee because he thinks he's better than the rest of us. Mm-hmm, but no one can see him, Andy, because you're amazing. Well, that's why he's come out and told us, isn't it?

He wants us to know. He's hiding in plain sight. I'm a better I'm better than you. I'm a better man than you because I peace sitting down. I don't feel very comfortable seeing Peter But I'm seeing that I do it because it keeps me kids healthy. Right. Do you shit? sat down and I'm gonna do. Oh you do do you? Of course I do. No surprises me. How about you? I always sit down, yeah. Or just, why wasn't I then?

Why do you think I wouldn't do that? Actually, I'm wrong because you do tend to wear a lot of trousers and jumpsuits, aren't you? Yeah, I've got one on now. Yeah, so you would sit down. Yeah, okay. Please, I broke that. Hey, what's McLaren doing at the moment?

Steve McLaren. We should try and update that. What's your guess McLaren doing at the moment? Steve McLaren. We should try and update that once you guess there. Diggin and Griev. He's Diggin and Griev. Yeah. Listening to Radio 2 for Radio 3. He's listening to Radio 3. He's three.

Because he finds it quite soothing. Yeah. While he's digging. Thinking about why he's digging. Well, here what you're reading is doing. I reckon. Just come through with that. I reckon he's digging. What year would you rent his doing? I reckon, just come through with that. I reckon he's in a park, on his own,

on a bench, flask of soap, a powdered soap that he's made up in this flask. Right, yeah. From North. And I'll maybe talk into a fat lass eh. eh. About carpetsets maybe.

Your convincing is a carpet seal's when I... Oh, he's a carpets salesman. Yeah. He might be in barbed wire bed. I said, you know the truth is he's probably in barbed wire bed, I said, and he's just loving it. Well, he probably isn't though, is he? You don't think so?

No, I think your answer's probably more accurate. You think he's sad about the sack in. Well, he's just said about everything. It keeps getting sacked. Yeah. Everything he does goes wrong. Well, you're all right, middle sprig. He was all right at 20.

So you get sacked at middle sprig. No, he went to the England job. Today? He was England manager. Yeah, he was England manager. Nice. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Hey, it was going to win the Euros. It's the top of a football show, it was going to win the Euros.

It's top of a football, sure. Are you just going to win the Euros, Bob? I've got a feeling that it's going to be Poland. Right. Yeah. Why is that? I think they've got the best striker in the competition. I think defences are going to dominate, particularly Italy's.

If the draw goes in a certain way, I predict a Poland, Italy final. Right. That old made it sound like you knew what you were talking about. Did it? A Poland bit. I've fallen qualified. It's in Poland, isn't it?

No, it's in France. Is it? Yeah. Now, people who are thinking of going to the euros in France Should be aware that the first England matches in Marseille right and you know You know about Marseille don't you? I don't know very much about Marseille. There's obviously something about Marseille I don't know that you're gonna tell me well, I you know like it's a terrible awful place. Right Terrible awful dump.

Right. So, I mean, I'm after tickets for the Euros. Are you warning people to be careful? I'm starting the next match at Lens. I ain't got a Maser. Yeah, I do Maser. No chance. Try enough.

You're playing a Maser. In Maser, we open up against Russia. Fff. I ain't got it. You know, would you know Andy? Can I ask you? I shouldn't be doing this on air as it were, but you know you click on say you repeat Euro championship tickets. Yeah. And you're immensely loads of sites come up saying Euro tickets with a price by

here. Are they all illegitimate? And I'm genuinely asking, or do you think some might actually have to take it? I would not. I think I am like, Lin Falls were something. The watchdog. I've come up against the brick wall again. I was just valued your opinion. I'm going to say no. I'm going to say they're all dodgy. They're all dodgy.

Yeah, all of them. Well, if any listener of their nose of a genuine place to get tickets for. Do you really want to go? Yeah, yeah. Just turn up. They'll let you in. Just turn up, right? And the van or something. And just park your van outside the stadium. And then just sit at the fellow

on the gate, ever you got a room for a little. And he's pretty lit here. It's about to be cemented, you say to me the back. I once went to Crystal Palace, the only time I've ever tried that on. And I didn't have tickets. And I went to, Palace, the only time I've ever tried that on and I didn't have tickets. I went to... No, it wasn't a policy with Charlton. I went to Charlton and I could didn't have any tickets. So I tried that on and I said to the block at the big posh front gates. I said, look, I'm Bob Mortner of the Talley. Is there any chance of coming in? I could do the half-time draw or something like that and Didn't have a clue as I was quite right lean told me to fork off. Yeah

So there you are you can't rely on it. Concept that is really kind of I did actually get in in the end I know that'll disappoint you, but I did get in you're gonna tell us how No, cuz it's not I'm telling you know I did get in and I sat with the red cross Paper is it red cross? No, it's not the red cross with the same... Red aros. The Chelsea pensioners. I sat with the St. John's ambulance paper.

Did you? Yeah, they're beautiful. No. But you poised to carry out some kind of medical... But I felt my... Restressification, if you needed it. I felt part of the team. No.

I'm sure you do. You kind of got that vibe of beauty over here. You like to feel like you belong? Yeah, and I felt my... Restressification, if you need it. I felt part of the team. No. I'm sure you do. You kind of got that vibe about you, haven't you? You like to feel like you belong? Yeah, and for that 19 minute... And for that 19 minute... That 20 minutes I did belong to something. Yeah. Something important.

And it is important. Yeah, medical. Even though your contribution to it was zero. Yeah. What sort of work tops have you got in your kitchen? Wood, tiles, just that sort of that sort of form-maker. Form-maker, yeah. So it's like, it's stuck onto wood.

Yeah. Are we your joints doing? They're all right. It's quite near to boats, only about three year old. Where'd you get from? Um, I'm not prepared to answer that. Are you going out of the stuff? I'm starting to feel uncomfortable now.

All right, fair enough. Was this liner question? Good look where you kitchen. I'll leave it at that. Are you trying to compile something and a dossier about me? Last week you asked about how me Easter was. Yeah. This week it's worktops.

What's going to be next? How's that get you build? about how me Easter was? Yeah. This week it's worktops. What's going on next? How's that get you build? Still up. Still up? I tell you what's going on. I tell you what's going on. I tell you what's going on. I tell you what's going on.

I tell you what's going on. I tell you what's going on. I tell you what's going on. I tell you what's going on. I tell you what's going on. I tell you what's going on. I tell you what's going on. I tell you what's going on.

I tell you what's going on. I tell you what's going on. I tell you what's going on. I tell you what's going on. I tell you what's going on. I tell you what, the layout, I've got plans for it. Where I live at the minute, right? It's quite windy. Yeah. And I don't trust it. Yeah.

Put it this way, I've got me trumberling climb down. Right. So a plastic greenhouse, no chance. And you didn't think of that before you purchased it. Did you want to get me where I was? I was just getting it in my life. It was very quid. I couldn't knock that back. Yeah. It's a bit quit. I couldn't not add back.

Yeah. It's an outdoor library kind of vibe to it, isn't it? It's like nine shelves. Yeah. And what we, I'm playing a long game, right? All right. I'm not that long. What you think gardens are gonna get smaller. Well, I'm not that interested at the minute in greenhouseery.

All right. When I'm a bit old and I'm like, you're rich, I probably will be, because I've not much else going on. Ch. You know what? Well, and I'm like, you're rich, I probably will be because I love not much else going on. Well, the time I get to you're rich, life's going to be pretty confusing. So I'll be growing tomatoes and stuff in a plastic greenhouse, wind on or wind. I reckon you're a big bear beach, you know, I reckon, you're like, I reckon you've got down A and E and I go out, I go out A and E and say stuff like, I've got a

little swelling, I've got a swelling like my arm or something, I've worn you special pills. Are you trying to say I'm a malingra? Yeah, an A and E or I've just seen, I've just seen a really bad film, could have a blood transfusion, no. Not hyperconjecture, just a baby. Just a nob-ed. Yeah, something like that. Well, you're not completely wrong. It's fall, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats.

Well, almost, almost anything. So no. You can't get a maple tree on Uber Eats, but maple syrup, maple lattes, and maple bourbon? Yes, we deliver those. Turtles? No. But turtles the dessert?

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So, Suarez was the last thing. Suarez, I think we should just quickly move across to our Twitter followers. Oh, okay. We've got quite a follow-on on Twitter. Yeah. At Athletical Mints. And this week we couldn't be bothered asking any questions. We just said ask us something. All right. And they've answered us in their draws. First up Arsenal Scy. And he says,

they are athletic or Mints. Which premier league footballer would make the best goth would make the best goth whoo which premier league football could you see mooching about in a graveyard dressed in head the tour in black i've got it the sad expression i think i've got it it was it peter crouch you're right it is it it It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. A great big, lanky, pale, first Peter Krauch. It is moping around. Yeah. Learing over the graves, Stons. Thinking the world's these enemy. Yeah. Here in his mum and dad. Barking to see if the hounds are jacular, Peter. How are they? How are the graves? Almost. Peter Krauch. And I've actually checked with your

friend at the University of Lothbro and I can confirm that yes it is Petrocrouch. Oh he is a formulae, the best. Yep, it's official statistics have proven that it is Petrocrouch. Well, didn't we do well. And non-premially, best goth is Carlos Tevers. Carlos Tevers. Yeah. A little like Leal, a little chunky goth. A little chunky one. Trouble. Trouble, yeah. How do you take his drink? Can't take his drink. Always stinks of pepperoni because he's got him in every pocket. That's him. So there we go.

OK, anything else? Did they ask us? Do you have athletic or mince? I like the formality of this. Nice, nice, that, yeah. Do you have athletic or mince as Leon GBBC? Did you ever feel self-conscious at school for not having the trendiest football boots? Did they have football boots when you were young?

My first boots were called Rellum Rangers, good, solid, like briefcase leather, brown leather and you got briefcase leather and you got you bought your studs from Jack Hatfields downtown and they will have the studs and before the match you're hammered them in, right? That's the first book, but then I'm then it's funny that's that question because I'm sorry, but I always had the trend set of boats, I bought some of the older listeners out there, remember I bought the George Best Book when it came out. Right. Which had the...

Because you were a trend follower. No, SETA. Are you trying to say that you were around before George Best? George Best manufactured the boot, yeah? Did he do it himself? Like me with the keys. I don't know the process, and they do I. But he approved the boat.

I set it as a trend. Right, you were the first one to get them, wore them to the night spots of middle time. No, I wore them on the football pitches and middle spread and displayed me dazzling skills in them. They were a purple boat, the first colored boat. Well, the Alan Ball boat, some listeners might be able to help the Alan Ball boot was the

white boot and there were the first two boots associated with the player. Yeah, I'm not sure which one came first. I think it was the George Best, but it had side lacing. Why? Yeah, design feature, but of course it was useless because it just got, got hacky with more immediately and you couldn't untie my time. And then of course the power put you, do you, even your young ones like you might remember, do you couldn't untie my time. And then of course, the power put you, do you, even young and sight, you might remember,

do you remember the power point boats? No. They had numbers on. No. So, oh, and you were told which number they'd use to get like a swerve or a toilet. Yeah, so on the back of the heel, it would have won. You refer to your booklet, Mid-Game,

because it's a used one for a buck heel. I need to do a buck heel. How do I do it? Quickly get the book out. Get the book out. But one, there you go. Bang. You're a bit like Vardy.

And they say that the game's faster now than it used to be. I mean, Vardy. That probably is. But they're still a bit of time to raise. Vardy still uses the boat, doesn't he? Yeah, well in that match against, I don't know if he had people who was wide-added to me, he has what you would think is a fit bit watch on his wrist. Yeah, under that plaster cast.

Yeah, but actually, it's just got a still on it of the power points for your boats. Ah, right. Yeah, you'd have to look at back super slow motion, but as that ball was coming across, he quickly referred, saw that it was a number one, back heel, bang, he takes the credit, but in fact, we all know where the credit lies. And he looked me up here and there many wrote, is either it's probably public domain now?

No, because you could even just with a marker pen put one on the back, you could serve yourself pounds, but there'd be a copyright infringement, do you think? To put the number one on the public domain now. I don't know about football. Maybe it's asking me to love braille, no, you know, all about football, but yeah, well, do you know what? I've enjoyed those two questions.

Thank you. There's going to be some all later on. Nice one. I'm going to move on now. Yeah. Are you the man behind the, is it to Bathier to how does it to buy it to Bathier the with female name to what is this Tabitha Tabitha Tabitha are you the man behind the Tabitha Huntly mysteries those books? Yes, you are I like him. Thanks. Sorry, I've... You know what? People said it was you.

They don't take us very long and knock them out either. Well, they crack along. I can crack along. Do one and half a day. You can do a Tabitha Huntly mystery. I can. I can. Yeah. No. Oh, yeah. You mean plot it out. Oh, whole thing.

Plot it out, write it. Check it for spellings. Print it off. Yeah. Put it in the poster. Oh, you're not on the... I know, yeah. You're put it in the post of the ship. Oh, you're not on the answer, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you a Tabitha? Yeah, well done, I like them. Thanks. I feel like our relish ships start to warm on the ship. No, well, I'm, I'm, I'm very impressed. I might do one just for you for next week.

I'd love to. And read it out. Can you make it like a top-capie, um, stealing something from above, somewhere in it? Right. Thank you. A roof bound, you know, where? Is that in the chocolate adverts? Yeah.

The penetrate some security system from above. Right. Yeah. I would really like that. Going via the windows or something on the roof. Yeah. What's a roof window called? Or do you know where it's?

Some light. Yeah. Some light. Well, a sunscreen. Oh, we know what we mean. What's a roof window or call? Sunlight or sun screen? Sunlight? Sun screen. Oh, we know what we mean. I'll Google it when I'm writing this. Could be A3 or something like that. Orangeery.

Do you have cars in Sunland? Yeah, we have. What do you mostly drive at? Do you have dog blowers? Nissan's. We all have Nissan's. If you're factories there, so we all get them. You get them free, you mean?

Yeah, but they haven't got ephensis, so we're just going to take them. If you're j... So, in your straight... I believe the engine's running there. In your straight. What's the poshest car in your southernland straight? The poshest one in my straight, I would say, is probably Voxel Norver. Is that a new one? One of the new ones yeah. Is it what was it? Flames up the side. Yeah are you just being an asshole now?

I just it's some as anyone on this street got a BMW or an Audi or something like that. I'm so glad there were you. All right I'll leave it. Is this the dossier thing again? No I'm just asking a life in Sunland man. You know I think... Get an alienate and I wasunderland listeners, you know. Because they're not like me. They're not like you. Well, not the reaction on the streets, anything to go by. But they might like you a bit more, now they know you're the man behind the Tabitha Huntly Mysteries, my friend.

We come, but who? Hey Andy, can I do a quick one for you? I'll put this on you. Can I just say, it's as simple as as this I'm thinking of a premiership football Yeah, you can ask me yes, I know questions Can you name the footballer how many yes or no question? I'm gonna I'll give you three and if you don't get it, I'll give you three later on Does his kid would be a hair presume? Yes, his kid have read in it. Yes Is he an international player?

Yes. Is he... Has he got a kind smile? No, I don't think he has no, sorry. Is it Chris Smoling? No, it's not Chris Smoling. I see why he said that. We'll come back to that then. Okay. Okay's Chris Smollin. No, it's not Chris Smollin. I see why he said that. We'll come back to that then.

OK. OK. You made some progress. I've just crossed off Chris Smollin. We'll come back like that. Can we move on to Stephen Newsmith? Yes, of course you can. And his penis grab on Newcastle's Darryl Jan Madd.

Right. Because I did see we're going to be talking mostly about penis this today. Oh, no, please, can we not do this if it's penis? Please, Andy. can we not? I've got, can you skip to the next one? I wanted to get into the psychological thing of it, not actual painless itself.

All right, well, I tell you how I'll ask you then, Andy. Hey, Andy, what do you think of the Stephen Nair Smith incident? I thought it was a bit weird. Is that it? It's all I've got. Well, he touched the fellow performers' dongle, yeah? He did, on the telly. Yeah. How about you've never done that on the telly?

No, but can I give you a, you've drawn me in now, wouldn't you? I have. Just think about this, and they write. I have Exposed myself, right? In the presence of Princess Margaret, the Bayo Tapestry, and the presence of Princess Margaret, the Bale tapestry and the treaty of Versailles and Napoleon's bed at Malmaison.

Were these three separate incidents, three separate incidents, yeah. In the same day? Nope. It's a cock out tour of you. So no, it's just a simple challenge, which some of the listeners may like to take on, because it's terrifically exciting. You go into the big room in Versailles,

I was with Vic, and our challenge was, yeah, you don't show it to me, I don't mean expose, it's got a suggestion of just, you know, you try and find a corner or a moment when you can just let get it out, let your Jonathan see light, forget quarter of a second, so that you can say it's been out in the same place as the treaty of our side. So there you go, I've done the bail tapestry, you'll

never do the Mona Lisa if that's what you're thinking. Is it really tough? Where it's just kind of tricky. Kind of tricky. And it would all be easy, you could probably do it, but you'd be right next to someone. Could you not go in first thing, if it gets busy? Just run to the Mona Lisa, out, get out of it. It's like when I went to Florida a couple of years, or what you do is, you got a universal studio, you get yourself in position and as soon as the gates are up, when

you're run to the Harry Potter ride, right, to get on before everyone else does you haven't got a queue for two hours I didn't get it out then because I wasn't aware of the game right, but maybe all well next time But what I'm saying is Mona Lisa like you've said her little awards it seems the doors open. Yeah Out it comes. Yeah, I even change a smile like no and then offer a cup of tea Whatever the oven France. Well, there's a challenge to anyone because I don't have to do it. The Napoleon's beds, I don't see you fast enough anymore. You're probably right.

Unless you're in a like a motorized wheelchair or a motorized scooter. Yeah. Because then you get the cure anywhere like you do in Disney World. And then with the with the sympathy factor as well, there might just if you were caught, there might just pull it down to medication or something. Yeah. You could probably go in with it can we please move away from that area of place? Yeah, I suppose so. Jack Wilshire's been hiding behind some bins Bob. You've already mentioned that, am I? I'd said we're gonna touch on it later on. Yeah.

Well, I feel, you know, I feel a certain sympathy for and presumably it's just not before. What, did he do anything wrong? I don't know. I wasn't there. But you know the story, you know what? He's what's happened, right? He's been accused of some kind of assault

in a nightclub in the center of London at the weekend, sat at night. I think he got chucked out of the club whatever it was right and then and then he went and he'd be on some bins well I think you've got a one-mire this choice of how how do you hold do you think it's ingenuity at play yeah I mean it's I mean I got upset a little bit I was aware Wiltshire done something I didn't he is, but presumably he didn't assault someone. He's not been charged.

It's all just, it's a hawkous, hawkous is that the word? Hawkum. Hawkum. So I mean, why should we go out? I don't really, I don't really understand this. What if he did do it? Do what?

Assault someone. When he obviously didn't, we don't know that though. We weren't there. All right, well, now you're right. He might have assaulted someone. We, he obviously didn't. Well, we don't know that though, we weren't there. Alright, well, no, you're right. He might have assaulted someone, we should lock him up. If he didn't do it, it should just stride off into the night. Head held high.

No, because he's coming in and it's like you. The people you'll get photographed and people like you will read something to me. What do you mean, people like me? Hey, maybe he got his... No, I don't want to be on the bins. Yeah, on the bins, but I used to be a bin man. Did you? Yeah. Okay, I'll talk about that on the way.

Happiest year of my life it was. It says, good as it ever got. So, what have I been up to Andy? I've just definitely been waiting for you. I don't want to hear any more of your penis things. I watched Gangs of New York last night. Oh, I. Yeah. Who did you go with? Oh, thanks. Well, you said that was one of my jokes, as he should have said with Daniel De Lauys. And I would have said no, with just the wife and me eldest son. Did you go with

Daniel De Lauys? No, I didn't. I'll tell you what, I'll try it again. All right, I want to see my left foot. Last week. Did you go with Daniel Delewis? Yeah. Honestly, I don't understand. Anyway, you've already had your joke.

You did joke earlier on. Yeah, but it didn't really land. Did it? Do they ever? I'm getting any land, did it? Do they ever? Not getting any better, is it? Shall we have another couple of questions from our Twitter followers? Oh, I tell you what, I'll give you three more yes or no

as if you were trying to get. All right, then, okay. International red in the state. International red, not Chris Smallen, but South-East. Little bit, yeah, serious attitude to his get to the game. Is he an England international?

Yes. I'm not saying it is. Sorry. Has played for England. Yes. Right. Is he a bit useless? No. It's not for your walk, Colin. Could you persuade him to help you? him to help him into a tin? What? No, could you persuade him to help you put your shopman in the boat, your car without much of a... I know. I think he seems to me a little bit unapproachable, actually, to be

on sort of your move on. You've had enough questions. That's me three guesses. Yeah. Danny, well, back. As near as you've been. Right. Should we carry this one on next week, do you think? No, we might get us the end of it. I might give you a three. Just as soon as you tell me that you've finished. I'm a bit bored with it now. Or you don't even want to guess him. I'd like to do some research and come back next week.

Do you want me to tell you where it is? No, no. But I want you to get... I'm bored with the game. Secondly, I couldn't give a toss who it is. You're both, you see, decent people, if the board with a game and the other person as I clearly am, is very excited.

Well, you know, they'll still try and contribute. And which time is it taking off here? About 30 seconds, a bit out. Yeah, but it's been a pin in the arse though. Colin DeFore. Oh, what? Colin DeFore, that's who it was. You can't in you, it.

Oh, God, you're right. It's well, he would not with a shop money. You know, I think it'd be very unapproachable. Yeah. You know what? You know what? Actually, I shouldn't, I think he would help you if you asked him. So he would help you.

But I think you'd be very difficult. If you were a lass. Yeah, well, yeah. See, there's two rules in it with him. Another question from someone called forebought. Okay. A new rule is passed. Yeah.

The balls must be inflated with something other than air. Yeah. What would you choose to pump into your balls? Mmm. Mmm. I'll say you're gritting there. Yeah, is that a serious question? Was it just so that you could say? No, that's a serious question from four boards.

Air is out, air is finished. Well, I don't really get it. What would you put, what would your pump into a ball to keep it in the shape? To, to, to, to make sure that it's exactly the same as it is with air in it. You'd have to fill it with something, wouldn't you? Well, I see scientists not me, Andy. What? I don't know what I was born to say in you.

Density is air. I don't know, I do. Does this sort of thing say in density? It's just got something that's gonna fill it up. Yeah, but so that you can play a full-time role. Well, you know, that thin custard used to get at school. Yes. I'd say that.

Okay. It's quite thin. So it wouldn't be too heavy. Like if it was sort of an bruiseier custard, yeah, and you pump that into a ball, that'll be a lot heavier and harder to have the custard is heavy custard. Yeah. Well, if you got the thin school dinners custard, yeah, pump it into a football, it would be too heavy and the game would be shit. Can we move on?

Sorry about that for both. Um, I've only got one more. Go ahead then. Nick Pettergrou says who'd you reckon would win in a fight? Who'd you reckon would win in a fight? It's a good question. Obviously the bigger lad, I would think. Right. The one with tats. Right. One who looks after himself. Yeah, one who's got the moves right The one who's got a mixture of skills Yeah, yeah, you like mixed martial right to the one The one who's got a heart of a lion. Yeah, the one who doesn't know when to give up

Having said that if a is opponent is incredibly wiry. I'm thinking wiry. You think the wiry? I'm thinking wiry. It's gonna win it. I'm thinking wiry little shit-house. Yeah. Possibly with a knife in his sock. Nice. Now that's not fair. No one said it was gonna be a fair fight. Yeah. But I think the shit-house would win. Okay there's your answer Nick. No we're going next. Good question. And there's one more which hasn't really got anything to do with football. If you remember the other day we were talking about white goods. Yes I do.

And how do they last any more? Not the used to. A couple of years tops. Simon the dentist. Might be a real dentist might not be who cares. He says that his Nana had a fridge that lasted from 1968 to 2014. Now that is 46 years. 46 years. 46 year fridge. And that was in Sunderland. And we assume it was working, yeah.

I just didn't see if it was working. He said, all he says was she had a fridge in her home that lasted from 1968 to 2004. I think anyone beat that. I think lasted probably implies it did work. Yeah I think so totally sin. So if you can beat that if you've had a domestic appliance that's lasted more than 46 years. We're desperate to find that out. I can see you're wanting to bring this to an end so I just want to check that there isn't anything I wanted to bring up, yeah? You probably don't want to hear about a football or I've met there, doubt it.

Yeah. I was thinking about maybe it would be interesting to think of a hardware store combined with firmest people's names, so that like Michael J. Cloth, do you know our main or Jeff Bridges? Yeah, chair, like, like, string, like, string. Yeah, yeah. So, but then I thought I wouldn't bring that up. No, I don't think so. I asked you about your garden, I asked you about pointing at ducks. I mean, I would quite just like, do you think I'm a right Andy?

In terms of country and western cowboy, I'm also a cowboy boat. He's only gone as well. I was just going to say, listen, I think that of the managers, of the football managers, it's Sam Aladais or Sean Dais, who would be the country and western fans with the Cal Boers and Cal Boys Boats. Are you back, are you? I thought you didn't have any.

I never went. Did you not? I was behind that fire hydrant. Yeah, but you went in, you went in spirit and you had a little soak. Yeah. So I've never ended a show. I've always left that, and I'm so... That's sweet. I don't know what you do little soak. Yeah. So, I've never ended the show, I've always left that and I'm so...

That's sweet, I don't know what you do. You didn't do it out of deal with it, so... No, I didn't know. Followed by a man who left. That's why I left to sort of see if you could cope with it. And I couldn't. You couldn't make it in number that. I'm a bad man for that.

Can you finish the show please, then? That's it. No, I can't pass that away. Oh, God. It busted. Thanks, Andy. It's fall. And you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well almost, almost anything. So no, you can't get a maple tree on Uber Eats, but maple syrup, maple lattes, and maple

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