Athletico Mince - The Beardsley Collection Vol. 4

Episode Date: August 29, 2023

From episodes 91-103, Peter and Carol receive a visitor, we learn about their wedding day, legal issues, a shopping trip and more… (first issued to Club Parsnips members in May 2022) Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I'm not allowed in the house at the moment so I remember a nice walk around for the last couple hours. A minute of mine once told me that if you're a bit down in the dumps you know you should make a list of 16s that you are grateful for. So I had a good thing like, and I came with some. Number one, I'm very grateful that glass is safe, so I say to the table, you know. So I run all the stair out of the window when I'm alone in the room. Mae'n gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r

gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio, ac yw'n gweithio, ac yw'n gweithio, ac yw'n gweithio, ac yw'n gweithio. Nw'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio, ac yw'n gweithio, ac yw'n gweithio, ac yw'n gweithio. Mae'n gweithio, ac yw'n gweithio, ac yw'n gweithio, ac yw'n gweithio. For I have lots of precious memories, you know, on my time as a footballer. They don't fade as time passes you know. Most of my days seem to be the same now and I don't really see any of your lips anymore. You're the only one who knows. You're the only one who knows. Scrimmary. Scrimmary.

Five, as when earth roaches, I am very grateful to be the owner of so perpsic paddy double-fipped reversible puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer puffer I'r ymwch, ac mae'r ymwch yw'r ymwch yw'r ymwch yw'r ymwch yw'r ymwch yw'r ymwch yw'r ymwch yw'r ymwch yw'r ymwch yw'r ymwch yw'r ymwch yw'r ymwch yw'r ymwch yw'r ymwch yw'r ymwch yw'r ymwch yw'r ymwch yw'r ymwch yw'r ymwch yw'r ymwch yw'r ymwch yw'r ymwch ymwch yw'r ymwch yw'r ymwch yw'r ymwch yw'r ymwch yw'r ymwch ywch ymwch ymwch ymwch yw'r ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch ymwch y Yeah, so I'm right in the bad books with a wife at the moment, you know, I was small and we went to the gardens and the garden turned out because she wanted to buy a jigsaw and some world-fascin' sweets like, you know. I pushed her around and one of them, like, wheelchairs, you know, were the shopping basket to get round and so we're going at quite a lick you know down the pesticide aisle when she shows out all of a sudden stop that trolley you slack fuck and dial. Well why over there why are you seeing? Say that stuff there by your kill says it gets rid of all pests stored fuck and dead I should get a bottle of Sprint all over you. Yeah, I'm very funny.

I'm not fucking joking. You're the most... You're the most unpleasant creature. You fucking trolley. I've ever let me fucking boss my eyes out. What have you stopped for anyway? Come on, we're not the four and jigsaws. You know, I really keep on going and we bump into an assistant to block in this fort.

He's well built like the butter. Hello there, nice assistant man. We are looking for the four-and-jigsers. Would you be able to assist? No, it's a fellow assist. I don't want to... The... The... The...

The... Oh, yes, a course madam. I should do with voice really. The... The... Oh, yes, a course madam. Oh, I noticed that like me. You have a boss I...

I find it very for contractive in a man. Are you happy with it? Err, da-ba no do. Yeah, erm, I'm used to it now, we don't rebub me like you dooo. Maybe we should get together over the stout one night and chat about everything boss I related. Err, da-ba no dooo, da-ba no dooo. Yeah, baby. Err, oh help Peter. I used to watch you play when I was young. Could I have a selfie? related uh no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no the jigsaw section. Does any of them catch your eye loss as said? Not really.

Shitty selection. Why did you fucking cover your eye? Oh, I think it was you who suggested it by darling. John fucking darling, may you spooky midnight cream. I'll love you so much and I'll just sure do a dislikate me in front of me? Sorry, what about this one? What about this one of a causal train station in the summer sunshine? Fuck off! Oh, you think I am Michael fucking part of? Well, oh, right.

What about this one? A lovely, such cottage with pretty flowers in the sun,. Oh again, check her, fuck off, notice. What do you think I am, Monty Forgan, done? Check me in the old fashioned suites. So, I will go round to the suites. So, which ones there? Herfati lovely, avatement, Calfcarnie, banana and custard, the Anci balls?

Oh, fuck I will you fucking shut up will you, I can hardly think to let me fucking chose. Well as you stare in at the sweets, I see your nose begin to twitch and sweat bait pale on her forehead. Peyton asked me all for her eggs, fried if I'm not mistaken. I didn't know they had a coffee in here. That was gonna be my surprise. Surprise! Don't fuck about with egg appointments, you fucking clown!

The shock of an unexpected egg could turn my man towards the fucking cave. Get me to that cafe now and order me for a fuck on fried! Yes, will. And tell him to make sure the yellows are very for God's runny and the white knight's in rubri like a for God hot orderly tech. So, just as we get the coffee area, the manager of the garden sent a purchases with the boss's eyed bloke into... H-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h- I don't know my- You'd me. I'm the excellent manager of this facility, and I'm a third I must ask you to leave. I'd like to admit no problem.

Oh yeah, a fucking horse is sure. I'm in the middle of an egg frenzy. I'm going nowhere. Why are you throwing us out like- I'm not you, you, you. Because you directed a person to learn so to my employer, Ralph Todd in mouth. If you don't leave immediately I will call security. What fucking insult? Ralph, chips in.

Er, but who bird are bird, who blubber, you called me but I had cock. No, I fucking never. That was this foul mouth fucking clown throw him out and let me get me go brown some fucking fried eggs Uh, sorry, but I never said a word. It was definitely you You fucking Troopy asked snitch you fucking helmet head weasel Get me fucking out of here and as for this facility I always get sold and make for good actually for the fitt turn into a for-hand scratch-gathered sweatshop.

So yeah I've sharpish earned she hadn't supported me since like you know I never man. Me windows still see through and the leaves are starting to fall off down Magnolia tree which is a pretty good watch. Oh, but before I go, I'll cut the jokes here from your joke, but I'll know you like eight of them. I just interviewed a blog for a job. Can you perform on the pressure I asked? No, he replied, but I do a great bohemian rats. He's like,

he's like, he's like, Mae'r sgwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd yn ymwch i ffodd yn ymwch i'r ffodd You know I'm not allowed to do that. I saw this daft lad talking and I was like, I was like, what are you doing daft lad? You know what you're thinking? I'm sending a voice million goes, he's bastard. There you go. So, say you, Bob. One piece of beauty.

The only one, paint the beauty, the only one piece of beauty, Fibre. So, that would be there, yeah, eventful. So, Holmes and the Hammer was on this week. Oh, right, okay. It's a different track. Did you record it? Yes, of course I record. Have we tried it before?

This one is record. Is there anything else but Wav in MP3? There's M4 years and there's this FLAQ files but they're like really really big. Oh right. Okay, well it's a quality. It's a Wav. It's a Wav, yeah. And so I typed it so it's you know it's Martin from Holmes under the hammer and he goes to visit famous footballers houses. Right. This way you went to Peter Bay's, these houses. Oh nice. So.

Okay. Oh, hello Martin. From Holmes under the hammer. Don't come in. And I must say it is very nice to see you. Would you like a nice boiled egg? Oh Peter, what, how does this foot piece look like? I don't know. What an innu's, you want an nice boiled egg? Oh Peter, what? How does this foot pick? I don't know, you won't.

What an innu's, you won't listen to Gambit that was. A bit different if you don't like me. Saying, what a like it! Yes, I will have a boiled egg, it sounds scrummy. Are you talking to your miserable dial? It's Martin from Holland's under the hammer. Sorry, so that was... Er, no, it's all your miserable dial! Pfft! It's Martin from Horns Under The Hammer! Sorry, so that was... Errr... no, it's Martin from Horns Under The Hammer!

John, be fucking daffty of the long-dish spoke! Hello, love it's me! Martin from Horns Under The Hammer! Come and have a look! I've come to have a look at you wonderful home. Oh, hello Martin, has the spooky baby offered you a thurchy by wherever welcome. I assure you he will make the yellow very for real. Hello. Well, yeah. Well, he offered him boiled egg actually. How fuck untepical of that fucking lazy prick.

He should know by now that a bio-hear is inappropriate at this time of day. Would you like to change to a nice, fucking boochie? I don't mind. I'm easy. Yes, me too. Ehehehe. Fetch Matting, a couple of horror porties, pancakes, and do not fork about. So, this is the whole way I see. It's a dawn with pictures of Peter's career on one side,

and images of what can only be described as egg dishes or naysal. Very unusual but I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. Here we go. Pushing all over the way. Oh, Martin, you are fucking poor. This is a real man unlike unlike my fucking new citizen husband. Yes, the friend pitches of the egg dishes are some of my personal favorites, egg and chips. Pitchy to omelette, open to our bacon crisp sandwich,

expigetti and egg for him for young. I wouldn't look at pitches of Peter if I were you. They might turn you for him stomach. Come through into the lounge. My or what are the news you will roam? I'll describe it today. It's got a very large TV currently showing police into sectors and facing that is a sage-green sofa. There's a coffee table in front of the sofa and a brown carpet and to be honest that's about it. Yes this is my princess's viewing room and the sofa is my throne. Occasionally Peter is allowed into delivering me eggs or

have a quick scooter around them be fronties. Forgive me for saying, but the sofa is absolutely filthy. Yes, it's largely the ex-billage and all the seepage. It hardens over time and it's nice to pick out a jarring, for example, a tense interrogation scene in Copscott on 4th and 3rd. A bit of an illusion for a TV snack, very different. But do you know what I like it? Tell me about the stands on the carpet in front of this... Oh, the sunglasses, like a crime scene. Oh, no, the only yet a crime committed in my house and my husband's orphan, 400

looks. It's not blood, it's just leg ketchup. It makes me swore in leg. It's quite crunchy when it dries. Which is nice, you know, when you've got an itchy, 400 lugs. Shall we go into the kitchen and see how Peter's getting on? If we fucking must. Oh Martin from Orbs and Hammer and Love

So describe the kitchen to our listeners Peter there's a good light Right well it's got brown mode cabinets I really wonder over the sink where you can stare at some hands I see maybe to or four flies in a hour. Sometimes I see a daddy long legs looking at me like I'm just sitting like an advocate in your book. Either way it's quite a spectacle. Or your pouches are nearly done. How do you like them, Martin? Or nice farm fermiop for me, please, and lots of salt and pepper to help with me hang over.

Fermiop's, fermiop's, fermiop's, as your mind turns fuckin' cohe chaotic. That's how I like them. There's nothing unusual about that, is there? Ooh, eh, I'm afraid in this house, Martin. It's our way or the highway. And our way is very fucking runny. How dare you insult the Princess Canal. Get out of here before I love you, so for good lad, your knackers will deflate and you'll wake up in either provoked, covered in bare shit. Oh, message you save loud and Clear, I must say that's a very unusual threat, a bit

different but I like it, so thank you both and good luck. You're a good lad, Peter. Now, through all those poor cheese in the next year doors for Gengaden, I can save their Toka Terno or Sir Fem. God I can see if they have took a turn or a fan. Okay Lord. And that was the end of it, the end of the world. Oh I've had a Christmas message from Peter. Oh yeah. Oh right, Bob. Well, Christmas is a bonus and despite all the festive cheer, I do find

myself a bit down in the dogs. In my spare room at the moment, well I've hidden my wife's present under the bed. I don't think she'll like it, you know, but you never know. We haven't got anyone coming around for Christmas day, now the wife's sister, Karen, usually comes but not now after what happened last year like you know, might go tell you about it, I've got nothing better to do. I've cleaned my shoes. I put some fat balls out for the Christmas birds, chirp chirp chirp. I polished my bedroom mirror and I've read the Christmas card from Son again. Didn't actually mention me like. Anyway, so last Christmas Eve we had Karen and her husband Mike Cowan's

now for Christmas drinks. Now, who I think as always fancy Mike Cowan's is that all security advisor for when the big insurance companies before they arrived our in the kitchen making a juggered eggnog when they were I thought them she rare in a tight black and white dress with one of them like tip windows in the front, you know, but like puts the fronties right in your face. It is often like cowons benefit, you know, I'm not deafed. What you doing clowning around in my fucking kitchen, you creepy dial? I'm just knocking up the knock of Karen and my cowons. Well, make sure there's plenty of room in it.

I won't make a bit tipsy and Karen's three sheets and a fort and wind. Yeah, I will do love. I just say I'll put you look in that dress? Kate, your dear, he lies off me. If you were sent a clamor on me whilst Mike is here, I'll love you so hard you'll wake up on the avenue of the masses expressed with a mantra of your shit pipe. Ah, yes, yes, yes, I understand.

Would you like me to float some boiled eggs in the nog joke? Yes, I would, I fucking would. Now, fuck it, get upstairs Mae'n gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweith Don't stare at the doorbell rings there, it's my cow and cow and... Cow and... Answer the fuck and cow and... P.S.D. fuckin' face! Hmm... Hmm... Oh, ho, ho... Welton...

Up your Christmas... Cow and... My cow and... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Are you Karen? And all my cowons. Ah, here is little peat at the bell by what do you look like? I'll tell you what you look like a chum, a Christmas in the sale and what I'm going to do and peat. You look terrific. Thank you, my cowons. A dog will be served in a wife's TV room.

If you would like to make your way through into that room, that would ensure you are in the correct room for the eggnog ceremony. So my cowons and cowons go into the room and there's the wife and she's on the rug all day a big sprig of mistletoe. Hello, mate. How lovely to see you and happy for Christmas too. Now come on and give a gale of Christmas treats. You did enough to ask sweet ad.

I'm coming in sharp like a pistol, a loving piss. So Mike Cowan's steps on the missile tour and starts like eating away at the wife's face. Karen looks at me, you know, where the resigned look, I know there's, you know. Oh wow, and Mike I had fork and wallet. Your husband is some kisser, Karen what a lucky forken last you are! Right mate, sit down here and soar for with me whilst death glad hands out some forken presents. It is for your cannon, as you are not it's a butler, crabby seafood bodymasses. It's a butler of crabby's Seafold Body Masers, most

jazz. Thank you very much Peter, that's very kind. Kind, kind of fucking creepy if you ask me. I'm interested for you my cowons. The autumn's it up. I've got him in like a crevac, you know, with quirky shapes on it. Right, the fuck is it? A fucking posh cluster. No, it's a crevac to tie around the neck, my cowons. I thought you might like the quirky shapes, you know. Some of them look a bit like a chicken wrap. And that is certainly a wow with a bonus wallet.

Jordan, my phrase, you fucking half-wit! I know what I can use it as a bonus well. Lord make my prayers you fucking half-wit! I know what I can use it as a hangry. And with that, without my cowons, there is no thunder, curvat, and so it in the rubbish bin, on top of the wipes, all leg bandages, like, er, you're so funny, mate. I get so little laughter in this house, you're like a fucking

tonic bun. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,. You know, he's fogging yawks this at presence. Last year he bought me a fog and puff and puff and fog and was go'd. Like he thinks I'm going out shooting, fog and grouse us all but... Your present is upstairs, love that. I was gonna give it to you tomorrow. Well, go and fog and get it now. Let's have a good fog and laugh. Go on your fog**king clowning creepy

butter so I went upstairs to a spare room affectionate presence room under the bed when I stood up Karen was behind me in the room holding a bigger mistletoe above her head so I got to be honest by Bob, I went for it. I'm going to go to a lovely, like squeegee kiss, like your best kiss. I've had in years, you know, mainly because I, the wife's dentless, she was like, so I went back downstairs and the wife is pouring nog down like Karen's foot. That's it, Mike.

Get that eggie nectar down your neck and must see you're very forking handsome man. And Adaya, she looks at me and me at me, you know I'm in deep shit. What is that lipstick doing on your face? You little midnight spook. doing on your face, you little midnight spoke. You've been forcing yourself on my account and you're dirty, for good luck. How fucking dare you! But no, just a little Christmas, Mr. Tock, you know, like you were having with my cowons.

Peter's right, it was me who asked for it. You should get off his back. Get off his back. I'll fucking carve pervert on his back with me leg scraper. And how fucking dare you, lead on the cymbal, go get on the mouth, fucking out. And don't show your face, run me again. So Karen and Mike Cowan's left, which leaves me alone with wife and in your shoes got a carbon make. Look, er... No, er... I'm sorry love, but I promise it was currently following me up there.

That didn't instigate nothing you know. I only advise for you. Fuck off, whimpering like a baby puppet. Had me over my fucking present. I give a present it's a 12-part egg portrait I used about my ramen broth. Sit down next to me Peter. You're a fine trouble. You're not really fucking shit down. So I don't like...

I fucking love it! You have a good life baby. And you give us a kiss. Oh yeah, that nice kiss like you know. The one kiss is good as my cow in love. Where fucking better? He's got a mouth like a trumpet player's fucking in his... Merry Christmas love. Where fucking better? He's got a mouth like a trumpet player's fucking ears. Merry Christmas, love. Merry Christmas, Peter. So like I said, we'll just be the two of us these Christmas. And you know

what to be honest, that's how I like it, so there you go. Oh, I've got a few festive jokes, Bob Boyer, you know, from the old joke book. Oh, God. This will be the fifth year in a row that my in-laws will come over for Christmas. I think it's time that we should let them in. I know Bob is talking about it. In fact, they're sort of bad.

I won't ruin your Christmas region. So I'll say you, Bob. One, Pete, a beardly. And only one, Pete, a beardly, to you, Bob. Oh. I've had a massive, massive email from Peter. When you say a massive... It's really long. Right. Because I mean, the. It's really long. Right.

Because I mean the soundtrack is 13 minutes long. You think it'll go beyond that? No, I hope not. Shall I crack on a bit? Go! Oh, right, Bob. And speaking of you today, for my hotel room, just off the air once, I'm wearing near Bishop Auckland.

It's quite a nice room really, it's got carpet with swelling, also swelling patterns on turquoise and sort of peach coloured. And if I stare at it long enough, I can imagine it is a shore of tropical fish swimming and playing in the Adriatic ocean. The only problem with it is that it is given off a very strong smell of biscuits. And dog dead. It also has a tea ray with seven channels plus some foreign channels that won't be watching that, you know. I expect I would probably get in trouble for not watching them in preference to good old-eyed TV. Where's Pepp? A basket is on on yours well? It's made of a very light metal, maybe tin, I am not much caught when it comes to metal

guiseous life, but as an image of a horse and carriage on it, it made me think of the day of my marriage to my darling wife, because we hire the orphaned college to drive us from the church. To be honest, the day was a bit of a disaster really. I shouldn't know and it might go wrong when we went to see the Vicar, a couple of weeks before the wedding. Starting off asking us if we had any questions and worries, you know, that sort of thing like. And so, your wife was straight on it. Yes, Fickie. I will want the other decorated with head and sex and I will be carrying a bouquet of boilers. I trust that it's all okay with you. The tradition we adhere to is to have flowers adorning the altar.

Well that won't be the case with me as I have an allergy to flowers. They make my ass for conic so no thank you. Well the main thing I need to ask you is, if you are sure that you love each other and are ready to commit to each other for the rest of your lives. Err, err, err, err, yes he does and yes he forgones. Now I won't be promising to obey dial boy during the question and answer bit, so you need to take that one off your 401 count. Well, that's fine, I'm not unusual these days. Now, I've either of you been married before.

No, no chance, my darling, fiancé, is my first own, my only love. And what about you, Miss Chapman? Yes, trace, but birth turned out to be bottled fats. One of them couldn't even pour your neck without making the white pat all stringy. To be honest with you, Vicar, he was a right, dosy, four and a half width. Have you thought about which hymns you might want for the ceremony? Err, I like that one by the beat of the Inuit, you know, I adieu'd. Don't beat Gaff Peter, that's not a hymn, nor we shall have angels by Robbie Williams,

and the dirty organ dance and sound. Now, may I just alert you the fact that my church does not allow any overt displays of flesh when it comes to the wedding dress? What you see in the key, you mean I can't have me fronties hanging loose? Peter, tell him how important it is to me, to have me fronties dancing down the aisle. Err, you are a very crucial date, Erviker. Could you not bend the rules for this, I only occasion?

No, no, I'm afraid it's a strictly enforced rule. Right, come on, Peter. Let's knock this joke around here. I won't be vile, spoken in the presence of me for a lease. This clown can stick himself over horses, forg and ass, as far as I'm concerned. So, that was that, when we booked a hotel venue for the wedding. Mae'n gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r gweithio'r and porches around the rim of the plate. A horse shulkshire, six egg omelette in the sand air, with runny scrambled in the curved of the horse shul, then an omelette hat on top.

All kept hot on the rim up to the room, but I covered in it with a pair of the wife's blumpsat in the gaff. So I took a yuk-y room and I knocked on the door. Oh the fuck is knocking on my door and my big fucking dear! Well you know for a laugh like I've put on a voice. It's a room service for you madam. Alright we'll come in and fog and hurry up about it. I walked in with the wedding breakfast tower and I immediately knew I had fucked right. You dozey, fuck a midnight creeper. Don't you realise it's bad luck to see the brides dressed before the wedding? I looked down at the floor and stared at the little metal flat, you know, that

protection is a treat, you know. It was nice and shiny, shiny, you know. Like a little robot I used to play with as a child, you know. I keep it in the spare room these days, it has been a very good friend. Keep your baby little eyes on the floor and back out of here, like you're presenting your saggy ass for surgery. Now go and fuck off! I, uh, then as I'll turn, I'll stand in the room and tell the sound. At the sound, yeah, I was still, uh, the funn- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean,, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, to see a dancing down the aisle, dragging a poorly grandad

behind. Funnily, bouncing around like a couple of maras in the back of a van. It was quite a sighting, and to a beer and a supplier with Henzeck's undemand and we got out to Adi Hotel and she saw a bouquet of boilers for her racist to catch. Sadly, you know, her extreme muscle density, the bouquet went very, very high and very Mae'r ffordd o'r musol dynsu, ymdw'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r ffordd o'r fford To get beside her, she said, Fuck off your clown, you're gonna ride on the back of the horse, this is my fucking day! Err, but over there, meant to ride together, side by side, you know, for a better or for worse. Fuck that, you also promised a fucking old baby, so get fucking to it! What's the fucking ask out?

Potsy, I don't know what you would like that. Yes I do, it's a nice touch picture, Peter. I shall enjoy watching your bent legs bobbing down on Parchy. Now, forking it too, it's... No, there you go, that's what the... Where's paper basket is made me remember. I think I'll stop staring at it now. I think I'll stop there in that...

Don't get it. One piece of busy Leon you unpeat a busy I'll feed you Bob. So, Pete, as well. We are. That was a nice bit of insight. Hey, only nine minutes, it was not long. Alright, Bob. Me and the wife are staring at you on the phone, you know, on the account of the foreign book, nothing you know in this house really, because a wife don't get out much to a fluid lake

from her leg, and the whistling sound her arms make when she's out and around and gets angry, like you know, it starts flattening them around, you know. She don't want me in the TV room at the moment, so I spend a lot of time in the all-wheel, you know, waiting for the shout out something she needs. A good thing about being in your all-wheel is that I can watch the TV, take a TV, take a monitor, camera is pointed directly across the road Mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae'r cymryd, mae' mae'r cymryd, mae' Now I can, could be miserable fee.

Right, that was great. Quite a long car, you know, maybe scored a so par by a no sure. That red could be a rental, you know, my player, that old star with stopped outside the house, and I actually got an other good stare, you know. I'll pay that, you fucking, dozy half-witted, fucking moron, get in here now! I thought you wanted me to start a room of, you know, cause you're following James. Just get in here you fucking, dozy dial! Hello darling! I'll be right back in here, though. Would you like me to open the window?

I'd like the fucking following jamming, no chance! I know where you are Public fucking health expert all of a sudden What was it that I could get for you nothing just sit down. I want a fucking word with you I Something wrong love just fucking sit down you grave that creeper. Okay, I love Hey just fucking sit down you graveyard creeper. Oh okay, I love. Peter, we've been considered the possibility of one of us kicking the bullet because of this fucking jam. Please! I don't even like to think about anything that may interfere with me darling.

The challenge is that you're a nice big tower of scrambled. Just fucking listen, William. I've asked Will Vickers, the silicitor, the pop round, so we can both make our food on wins. That will be him now. Go on and sit at the door, you lazy prick. Come in, Mr. Vickers. That's right, come to the front room where you'll find my wife. Oh, hello Mr. Will Vickers, thank you so much for coming. Would you like a cup of tea and a nice

eggie for her best quits? No, no, thank you. The air in here is rather thick and heavy. Do you mind if I open a window? What an excellent idea, Willefickers. Open the window, Peter, you sack fucker. Your blouse appears to have popped up and Mrs. Basley met and the vehicle fixed that. Oh, I didn't realise how a fucker in embarrassing is that. Please accept my sincerely fucking apologies. Right, so, have you discussed though you'd like to leave your estate too?

No, no, no. Yes, we fucking have. If Peter dies first, then everything he owns goes to make. If I die first, then everything the man goes to that body like with the beard of SS who dares wins on channel 4.4. Hanke Middleton's name but you better check that, give it a quick fuck and fuck check. So Peter would get nothing? Er, he can live in the house till he props it and have a small weekly allowance, you know, a hundred quid as far, should more than co-fuckin' a co-ferty.

Oh thanks love, that's very far from like, your folk and welcome Peter. Right, so what happens to the house on Peter's death? I would like it to be so old, like, and the processed used to build a big, f**k off sculpture outside the Newcastle United ground. Ah, look, what sculpture have me? No, a big f**kin' chicken egg with my head sticking out the top. Ah, right, it sounds very nice, look. Well, I'll save it simple enough.

Uh, I'll get the wheels drawn up and send them there for your signature. Oh, you, uh, you're a button that's popped up and again there, Mrs Beansley. Oh, my fucking bad wolf. I'm afraid my fronties are a bit swollen. Jotal worried about the fallen fucking gem. Um, alright, I'll let myself out, I think, and uh, Cheerio. Er, well that's a nice and sort, isn't it? And probably isn't it love. Thank you very much for that.

Er, would you like me, you know, a good beer, like Hank Middleton? No, I wouldn't. You'd look even more like a fucking hobbit. Now fuck off out the room, I'm watching part of Fast New Zealand and it's a fucking beauty. Ah ok, love, I'll go and check my mother's for cars. Red, maybe a citron bingo, could be a pergola pergola rascal. Blue, a small B&W, and diesel, maybe three theories. Oh, that's a big white transit. Probably pet control of the drain stop there. To your Bob, I'm going to concentrate on the fear of up. So that was nice of Pete,

send that in, wouldn't it? So his eyes isolated with his wife, but it puts some sound effects on there as well. Yeah, he's done good to me. Well, I paid a raise, sent me his isolation sort of blogs or whatever. A little bit of a warning, it's long, he's obviously had a shit, he's had a lot of time on his hands. So I might split it up. All right, Bob. Just thought I get in touch and tell you how the isolation is going, you know,

maybe pass on a few tips about court with me, because obviously I've had an experience of being on the on fire. Oh, good well, do you, their trouble with their fallen landstakes? I think number one, most important thing is to learn to enjoy other than a kind of stair about that thing. A good place to start is to stair up the condoms of a drawer. For example, your cottony drawer and then try and mesmerise its content, right? Then shut your eyes, nice and tight, then you're like,

I read Nup's wallet. Here. Try to remember the exact position and number of the individual pieces. After you've done this for a while, your song line that the real pleasure is in the actual staring and not remembering. Your love, Bob, life is not a competition with other people, or even yourselves.

You've got to live in the moment. If you don't, you can literally jab yourself man. Don't do it. Good beginner stairs are undoubtedly the one the bonus there from above and below close up there at an area of grass, age 8, their verge or adjacent to a foot. Watch out though if you're a beginner because trains are a bit tricky, too much going on and too many commons and goons to you. They're content of your fridge, as long as it hasn't got one of those like beep beep beep alarms on it like you know. Anyway, it's not an idea, it's a lockdown. I was upstairs in the spare room, I'm the good old stare at my bare-ass in the mirror when my wife shouted up.

up me bare last in the mirror when my wife shouted up. Peter, get your ear now, you spooky fucking clown and shit my egg-hawter. Oh yeah, you just got me wrong. So I got a little hair TV where I'm like, hello darling, I would love it to see you. And what eggs is it that you require? Don't fucking dial in me, you little fucking graveyard creeper. I require a soft boiler and poochy combo with a fork and pancake on chop. Get charged. Okay, off your wish is my command. So I went to the kitchen, I opened a fridge door, bought a Bobman, it was a terrible terrible sight, there was only one egg left.

I rushed to pantry and checked on the shopping bags, no eggs, and then I looked at the receipt from the testicle block that delivered the shopping they had night before. And it said, the following items have been substituted. You ordered 10 dozen eggs. We have substituted with the following. 150 lovins LCD lightbulbs. LCD like once. Oh shit, I thought shit. This is good. Mean a major war with the wife for sure. I went back in Erd Errung and looked love, I saw terribly terrible stories to after a part that we only have one egg left. Unfortunately, last night's delivery substitute is eggs for light bulbs.

You fucking what? You fucking what? Why did you not check at all at point of delivery? You had useless fucking spoon! Sorry to have looked, there's no need to panic. I'll drive to the supermarket right now and get used. You're not allowed out you're dosing fuck on Bork. And if they didn't have any deliver, then I doubt they will have any in the shop. Fuck and think about it,

Forrest fuck and lump. Yeah, pass me me phone. I'll ring up the corner shop! Uh, eh, show you I got the corner shop, mate. Oh, hello there, Mr. Tubson. This is Mrs. Beatty Hill. I wonder if you could for and help me. You see, my dosy husband forgot to check the shop on this last night and didn't realise we've been left short on the Fork and Egg front. Yes, he is a right dozy prick. I thoroughly fork him agree. So I just wondered if you'll have any eggs in stock. Oh that's great. I'll send him round now on his kiddies for home buy. He's got about ten dozen left, so you'll get there round there now, front or you'll slack for and wander.

Oh, hello, but I will do. And you want me to go on the middle-case bicycle, yeah? Yes, I don't. Then if you get stopped, you can see it's fucking exercise. Oh okay, I'm just saying I don't mean anything by it, but I think I'd be okay in the car there because I'm like an ex-her essential full purchase, you know. Pay there, you sad sad empty fucking ball bag. Of course they are essential to me, but a lot of people want to consider them a luxury and are not taking the chance of my fucking henjulery being confiscated.

I got a little bike and I went down to the listed Thompson shop. I think I'll take a breath from it there, Andrew. Leaf Peter runs where at the shopping. We'll see what happens a little bit later yeah. Oh, can we have the rest of it in this episode though? Yeah, yeah definitely. No worries, it's just it's so fucking long you know what? So, I got on the little bike and went down to Mr Thompson's shop. When I got there I saw something quite beautiful in the hot food cabinet.

It was a thick, thick lumpy lumpy chicken wrap. A lovely lumpy chicken was spilling out of the end of the rap and my mouth began to water like a sand-burning in a sauna. You look like a... like you're like a lot of that chick and rubber, Peter. Mr. Thompson, yeah, very much folk and no. It's like watching a living still from the greatest movie ever made. Lambo of first blood pathway. Yeah, and have it if you're what Peter? No one's coming in buying from the hot cabinet. It'll just get lobbed in the bin lake.

Oh, I start your mission Thompson. I would love that. Do you mind if I eat it on the wall outside? So I can have a stare at the alphysian on the flat roof opposite. Ah, yeah, that's fine! So I taught the chicken right outside and took a really big bite from the blunt end. Just as my taste was singing in a particularly lovely chicken long, Mrs. Pearson, one of our nervous like walked into the shop. Hello, Mrs. Pearson. Hello, Peter. Looks like a nice wrap. Hi, Mrs. Pearson. It. and it's an absolute footh and built.

Well I finished the rat and went back into the shop but to my heart there was now only one box of eggs left. Mrs. Thompson, where have all the eggs gone? Oh Mrs. Pearson brought them all. She's gonna cook a massive omelet and give it out to the homeless lake Oh my god, how's the homeless? I'll go back real early eggs Well, I kept a box back for you Peter. Your wife said on the floor and she needed eggs like Yeah, that's kind of you, Tom. Oh but the wife did some cooking of boxes a day.

I mean, the very, very deepest of all the deep shit bits. Sorry about that, Peter. You should have said when your first came in like. Or, I think, on as fast as I could, hoping to catch up with Mrs. Pearson, but she was nowhere to be seen. This was very bad, very bad indeed, you know. I don't mind telling you, Bob, that I was in fear for my life. I thought that very least being lumped in the edge so I had that I ended up struggling

the tall bridge on the sea front in Beirut. So I quietly go back into the house. I can hear you creepin' about getting here with my eggs, you fuckin' bored of shite. I was just gonna watch me answer of you know, cause of the fire in germ like... Never mind that mock, get near with my eggs. So, I went in the room with the one box of eggs I had bought. Is that it? One fucking box?

He said he had about ten dozen. No, no, this was all that he had. I said fucking shenanigans here. I bet you're funny about staring at shit. Mae'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith i'n gwaith Let's give Mr. Thompson a ring shall we? Well, as she dialed the number, she stared straight at me where she was. Her skin began to freeze and my one good knacker ran up inside her and started to vibrate. Hello Mr. Thompson, it's Carol Hogan-Dater here again. I just wanted to inquire why my husband has earned a turn with one box of eggs when you informed me you had about ten dozen of focus.

Oh right, oh did he now? A chicken wrap you say. Thank you Mr Thompson, you've been very very for and helpful. The wife rolled up her cardigan sleeves and walked towards me. I shook my eyes expecting the worst like and then I hear. You're a good lad, Peter. I was wrong to doubt you. Mr. Thompson says a lady came in just before you got there and cleared him out of eggs. Said you were so upset that he had to give you a free check and rap to calm down. He's getting the fresh delivery the more I, and he's gonna set aside 10 dozen for us. He charged you best son. Would you like me to press me some these under your chest? Ah, yeah, let's leave you off.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm so relieved then. God bless this new Thompson, you know, one of his company's amazing army of small, not a shopkeeper's. Anyway, that was close, and she had to, just before I got up, I got a got comedy jokes from my own job you know try and share you up and that what's the difference between a filthy bus that are and a lobster with breast implants one is a crusty bus station and the other is a crusty busty station and the other is a busty crusty station. I want to spend more time with my son like so.

That way, and decided to wash the cow in. After five minutes, I'll just check if he will be able to use a sponge instead. My optician, my optician just told me that I am colourblind. Well, I've stored my telling you, Bob, that's come completely piece of bassy. Only one piece of bassy. One piece of bassy. Oh well that was a nice, I'm glad you ended up nice for me. It did, it got offered his press studies just to, you know, what can we ask for in these times? Yeah.

So that about it, that's about it. you