Athletico Mince - The Dyche Collection Vol. 1

Episode Date: January 7, 2022

A compilation of Sean Dyche’s contributions up to and including episode 97. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I will listen to Radio, where are you? Andrew. And there's a new shorn, do you know Martin from Holmes under the hammer. Yeah, yeah. Well, he does a shorn now where he goes to football as houses. To say, and looks around the houses and that. And it's quite a good shush. On the radio.

On the radio, yeah. So I recorded one player. Good. Thought you about that, Terry. I'd love to hear it. My only problem is, I can't do that, and I especially can't do them without giving me mouth. No, no.

I hope the listeners will enjoy listening and you're having your picnic through this episode. Hey well, and welcome. I'm Martin Roberts from Holmes Under the Hammer. And today I'm the guest of Sean Dish, the managing football officer of the Burnley Football Centre. Hello there Sean, wow that's quite a beard, bit unusual, but I like it. Er, Martin, from homes under the hammer, excuse the smell I'm boiling up some underpants

on the hob. They've become very biscuit-y. Oh that's alright, it's an unusual smell, a bit different and you don't want a mic-it. So this is the hallway, you've got a lot of pictures on the wall. Yes, there are all details from my favourite pieces of machinery. That one there is the Axel bearing from a 24-arm Norfolk potato planter. That one is a warning light from a 2004 Corby 7007 Charles oppress. The big one at the end is the cotter pin from a henkelman jumbo a 42 cannon machine. Very unusual, but I like them, it's a bit different, so what's next on the tour?

This is Mikasi, as you can see the floor is covered in hair. I change it once a week, and put it on me turnip patch, I love turnips, it's a good honest vegetable, unlike kale or fucking god forbid broccoli. I expect you like kale, do you're melting from arms under the hammer. I do. It's a bit different and I like that. So this presumably is the lounge. And it's dominated by this rather large machine in the center of the room. That's me, Hydealberg's KLRS single colour offset printing press.

What is it that you actually print? Words, motivational words for the team to stare at. Give me some examples, it all sounds very different and unusual. Okay, work, gun, axe, kick the busted. If you aren't spewed up you aren't turned up. More axes, balls are there to be kicked. More work, eight pie, kick, rush, shit. Wow highly emotional images and if you don't mind me saying quite unusual how do you get the shape of your beads or circular by the way I shave it around a 15 ounce tin of John West pineapple chunks now this is my kitchen yes I can see

and it's dominated by that large machine on the centre table, what is that? It's a roller-grill F60 quartz turbo convector pie oven, 24 standard pie capacity fully fan assisted. Is that all you eat then pies? No, turnips as well, keep your brain in check, don't they? Don't want to get high for looting ideas like those foreign coaches with the bastard and their sources and their power boiled fucking hairs on us Thank you Sean and more than usual house a little bit different But I liked it. I wish you all the best then I stopped recording yeah, and that's the little X-shut-to-tart is played very good very good. I hope that comes back again. little extra that I thought was played. Very good, very good.

I hope that comes back again. You like that show? I'll be on again, do you think? Yeah, I think it might be. As long as I can make sure that it isn't just Steve McLaren doing that and with a bit of a twist. I got all the voice message. Look at you, Nett, for me that. Very lucky. Sean Dyser sent all his prayers before they got for the summer hours, you know. Dear lads, I want you all to enjoy your summer break. And remember, motivation is as important on the beach, your all-inclusive resort as it is on the pitch. Here are the words you

will need to ensure your holidays as brutal as all of us at this football club require. There's actually a little beat because... Can I just throw that? Yeah, you could try that, yeah. Wake, kick, eat pie, shit, spade, dig, kick the German! Piss in the pool! More pie! Plactic acid! Dr.t! Slap the German bar! Drink! Fight the German night pie! Sleep underwater! Kick! Rush! Shit! Bury the German! See you in two weeks! Stop that now! See you in two weeks for a priest! Pre-Prison! And remember, anyone trying to escape the regime in Clemens Silam will be hunted down and lashed with a very heavy duty copper wire. That was a,

is some a message. Oh, I was getting into that there. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, wake, kick, eat, pie, shit, spade, dig, kick the German piss pissing the bull! Very well, I was the tear that it would rigged or feel free. Oh, just had... Oh, this is exciting. I just had an email from me met at Burnley. Oh, right. Yeah. He's got a... He's got a motor of air. Let's have a look, see what it says. It's got a video attached from Sean Dish.

It's tight and titled Holiday Discipline. Right, you bastard. You prefer Burnley, not some fancy pants wanker club. So, none of your better be abroad, mixing it with the forens. You had a choice of blackpool or lowest soft, and you had better of fucking stuck to it. If I say a tan, I'll thrash that man. So here's your new discipline mantra to guide you through the start of every day until preseason. Get up and get to the kitchen. Collect four eggs, five slices of streaky, two pork sausages, two white sliced and a half of black He took your frying pan till it smorked and cook your ingredients in the following order. Sausages.

Bacon. Black pudding. Fried bread. Egg. I'll go through that again. Sotages, bacon, black pudding, fried bread, and egg, all down with a pint of cabbage water. Move to the bathroom to get yourself burny ready. To do this you must proceed in the following order. Let's do it.

Shit. Wipe. That's all you face. Acne cream. Second shit. Old spice. You're Burnley ready. You're Burnley ready.

That's it! Oh, it's struggling there. Oh, lovely stuff. Just makes me want to support Burnley and move there. I've got a spy at Burnley, you know? Burnley football. Oh, yeah. And he's sent out a motivational message. Daysha's here. Good.

So I'll play it for you. Alright, that's all. Alright, Scott. As preseason beckons, it's time to remind you of the Burnley ethos, time to provide you with a mantra that will get you through what may be a difficult season. Understand the following. I am your God. I am the path to enlightenment. My knowledge was gained in the quarries of Nottinghamshire and the pie shops of Kettering. I have spent many a night on the mowers, kicking fessence into touch and grappling with beasts on known to mankind. I have experienced pain and embraced it.

I am a man, a man of Todd. A football is there to be kicked, kicked hard. An opponent is there to be kicked, kicked hard. Pies are there to be eaten, eaten hard, run hard in various directions if you have not spewed up, we're out of the cup. Kick. Shit. Epie. Tackle.

Kick. Another shit. More pie. And that's the Burnley way. If you've been man-marked, mark that man with the point of your elbow. If there's a man up front, boot it up to him at great height. No exceptions, no excuses. Organisation, not joy. Efficiency, not finesse.

Exhaust exhaustion without pleasure. He carbs on the hour every hour. Bread, pasta and sports. I said bread, pasta and sports. Then pie, pancakes, fudge. He carbs on the hour every hour. Bread, pasta, sports. I said bread, pasta, sports. Then pie, pancake, fudge. Where your shorts nice and tight around your ass, fix your hair solid with gel and spray mount.

Remember, a flailing elbow or forearm can be both offensive and defensive. Stakes should never be eaten without gravy. A baked onion should be served with every meal and every course. If you don't do what you told, you'll be out of the fold. Derby will have you at the drop of a hat and they are boppless. And remember, kick. Shit. Eat pie. Tackle. Kick.

Have another shit. More pie. And that's the Burnley way. That's so glad I intercepted that. I'm so sorry it went on so long. Oh, that sounds so good. First of all, that sounds like a blueprint for my life that I'd love to have. Yeah. And secondly, they're kind of footbally talks about that.

I'd love to say that. I'd love to say that, so I'd love to. What was this for? What was this for? Without joy, without... We're at a place, just win matches. Oh, you'll turn to that side of a fence, I'll be just waiting. Oh, God, you're getting a league one place. So I got a new, um, wow file, it's a Sean Dish, almost finished. Yeah, wow, yeah.

Cool. Right, lads. Preseason friendly is a fast approaching and we've got Wiggin, Port Vale Nice Wiggan And Palmer at our gaff But whether the opponent, the mantra, remains the same There's no such thing as a friendly Because there's no such thing as friends There's no such thing as a warm-up Because it's always cold and burn-ly There's no such thing as a slide tackle because we

always go in studs up. Remember, grind, shit, fried eggs, punch meat, oh fuck, another shit, Fuck, another shit. Pi. Sweat. Gravy. More Pi. Better put in. And that's the Burnley way. Yeah. Effort Without Guile

Effort Without Guile And devil without pleasure. Not in fancy, not in girly, if you're that way inclined up a curly whirling. There's no iron team, there's no iron cream, there's no iron dream, but there's an iron pie. Remember grind shit fried eggs punch meat

ah more grind gravy sweat background gravy sweat and a nice pudding and that's the Burnley way here thank you sure that was nice oh man they're my second team no Burnley oh there yeah definitely they're my premier league team because my team's actually languishing in league one still what What the dough is good really, isn't it? Oh, I love it. The challenge and some one on the radio the other day said, I remember it was one of them ones that just mixed up up. He said Sean Dage could tick charge of any premier league team any dave them playing at their top of their abilities.

Might be right. Might be true, might not. Do you reckon? Yeah. Do you ever want you to sit your little pole and have them playin' like we do? Maybe, yeah. But better. That's what I want. I went to Burnley Tottenham last year, who was watching Sean Dice on the touch line. Kick across I and I'm way.

Yeah, yeah. What else is that I watched basically? Take white shirt. Yeah. And I thought he's got good posture. Yeah. Right, me. Right, me. Like posture, like you, yeah, but bigger. You're very similar in the way actually

I try to model myself on a vice versa. I don't know similar approach to live ship pie gravy pudding. Yeah Hey Sean Dish to get I intercepted over you another Wow, no, no, I'm Easy to send smaller file size. And so I've got to get me little Pianock keyboard out, Andrew. Will you bear with me? Yeah, I'll just realise, no, I've had these headphones on for 25 minutes and there's nothing to add.

No, what if it is it? Yeah, so I intercepted this new MP3 from Sean Dach. This one was sent to the staff and players after the beat Southampton 3 and L. Right, so, A, I'll play it for you. Do it. So we destroyed the South Coast fannies, achieved victory without Gile. We closed down space in every area and did it without a smile. Tackling without care.

Tactics without flare. If the balls in the air they can't get it, if it's in the stands they can fetch it. Possession only works for fancy punts. It might look pretty but so does France. Drambling is for babies. Stepovers are for ladies. Kick elbow and tackle on the slide. We need 40 points and then we'll back on the pies. And remember, Mood, Graphed, Lard,

Shit, Liver, Aggregate, And that's the Burnley Wave. Thank you Sean, so I'm glad I intercepted that, I liked it. That was very good. So Sean Daesh, yeah, I managed to intercept a WAV. Oh a WAV. Oh the WAV there's been some talk of MP3s from Sean Dish but he's sticking with the what it was a WAV. I'll shut up. No it's alright it's um this one he sent to his those cheating southern fannies Arsenal. Remember, dive, fein injury,

couscous, caffuccino, weep, fall over, finger foods, and that's the Arsenal way. Burnley, it's all about honest gruff, head to the ground and don't act dufft. Premier League survival is all that matters. Spend the money on defenders and never attackers. All I ask is for grit, graft and gammon. You can fuck off home with your oak smoke salmon.

Pfff. Pfff. Pfff. Pfff. Pfff. Pfff. Industry without pleasure. Long balls at your leisure. If you want to score, get the ball off the floor and remember, shit, piles, screening, rowkill, eggnNONG And that's the Burnley way

There it was in to go to glad I just did that well. Yeah nice one for that Did you listen to talk sport much this week and they you know what they really busy? I haven't no Disappointing to let you try keep abreast of everything that's called please tell me that you've recorded some of it for us There was a gym white and a good guest on top of it record it, you know, thanks Bob So I'll press player and I'll that click click Welcome back to the gym white show and boil boil boil my excited today I tell you how excited I am there's so much

I tell you how excited I am. There's so much anticipatory sweat pooling in my crack that my winnets will need a rowing boat to escape the flooding. And the reason I'm so excited is that I'm joined today by none other than Burnley Manager Sean Daish. Welcome Sean and tell me how excited are you to be here today? I'm very excited Jim. Are you pooling? Not yet, but I've got a Burnley scarf with me to stuff down there when the torrent arrives. Oh that's great. And listen, please phone in and tell me what unusual items you have used to mop up your juices. When you're suffering intense excitement, oops there goes another pint of mock. So Sean, what's the secret of

burning success? We do things the Burnley way. And what exactly is that it sounds terribly exciting? Listen up, I'll tell you. Right now I've got me problem of not having a fucking... Yeah, but we'll see how we go. You know, we'll see how we go just do your best now I've got that part of Dude, right you've isolated that bit of you, but that's it Listen up, I'll tell you Do as you told and don't talk back Well, I need a beat Andy. I'll give you a beat, you know, can you?

Do as you told and don't talk back, play ten in defence and one in attack. Piss in a sink when you get the chance, tell your wife to fuck off if she asks you to dance. Oh my poor song's gone and never without purpose Entitentment is a no-no If I catch you wearing perfume then it's time for you to gorgor And remember, shit Others, and remember, shit Flam Shovels Kidneys Flem, shovels, kidneys, pie, soil, chips, cheese, midgees, and that's the Burnley Way here. Oh, that is the most exciting, more

sensational Wav or MP3 I've ever heard. Wav. I'm afraid my cowboy boots at boots have never filled with mocks. So why is they pour that into my excitement trough? Let's take a break. Lumpy, lumpy, lumpy, lumpy, lumpy, lumpy, lumpy, lumpy, lumpy, lumpy, lumpy, lumpy, lumpy, lumpy,

lumpy, lumpy, lumpy, lumpy, lumpy, lumpy, lumpy, lumpy, lumpy, lumpy, l fade away, lump fade away, lumpy soap, lumpy cake, lumpy clothes, lumpy face, lumps in your mattress, lumps on the lump and it fades like a puppy in a teleporter. Making love in a lump freeway with Pearson's lump fade spray. A lump fray spray, a lump fray spray, lump fray spray, a lump fray spray, lump fray spray, lump fray spray, a lump fray spray. Oh yeah. That was the waft. That's the waft, that's the waft that's a Wav that's a Wav there

So there's a Wav within a Wav there then because Dish played a Wav within that Wav like a Wav within a Wav Oh a dream within a dream fancy that Oh Andrew and Intercepted managed to intercept yes, yeah a Wav good Sean Dishes yes Christmas wav more of a special wav to his players here we go Right you lot, listen up, this is your Christmas motivational blog, it's compulsory and should be listened to every day over the festive period. Remember the games come thick and fast if you tried to entertain the could be a last. Baby Jesus didn't mess about if it needed clear and he'd give it a clap.

Roast beef without gravy is like defending a port without the naivy. Rob Turkey's e-page, onto your list is when you kick him in the head, it will turn their faces. Don't chute for gold from more than six feet, a bit of stuffing in your undies for an half-time treat. Long balls without purpose, if you tend to terminate you want them, go to the circus.

When you clear a ball, get it high in the air, when you eat a pork pie, rub the juices in your hair. When defending a corner, grab a shirt, when you you elbow a forward pretend it's you that hurt. If you don't like a fight you're a fucking shite. If you don't like a banny don't join my army. Passing without guile. Jibble without a smile. The only thing that I find for me is a stand-up shit, missing the dunny. Entertainment is for betterbies, cosmetics, art for ladies. When a ball is kicked into the stand, that's ten second stall and before it lands.

Defend your fucking box. Defend your fucking box. Stop free kicks with the tip of your cocks. Defend your fucking box. Defend your fucking box. Stop free kicks with the tip of your cocks. Defend your fucking box. Defend your fucking box. And stop free kicks with the tip of your cocks. And remember, remember, shit, ground works, scrap metal, Screeding, mortar, freeze blocks, pie, and that's the Burnley way. There you go Sean Egg.

I think it depends on your box, the tips of your cot. If anything, it's what Christmas is all about.