Athletico Mince - The Martin Collection Vol. 2

Episode Date: September 19, 2024

Another round-up of recorded content from M-M-M-M-M-Martin from Homes Under The Hammer from the time period of February 2020 to April 2022. It’s a little bit unusual but you’ll like it(Previously released to Club Parsnips members in July 2023) Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Martin from Ones Under The Hammer. Right. He's done what he's doing his show you know I listen to it. It was a good episode this week. Did you tape it off the radio? Yeah you know where he looks at the homes of famous people associated with football. What? MP3, MP4? I've got it on what's called a zip file. Oh Christ. Have you unzipped it before you've played it? I don't fucking Ma Ma Ma Ma Ma Martin Ma Ma Ma Ma Ma Martin Ma Ma Ma Ma Ma Martin Ma Ma Martin 10 10 10 10 10 Hello everybody that's listening. I'm Martin from Horns Under the Hammer and today I'm having a nose around the home of City of Liverpool football manager Mr Yergan Clop. Let's see if he's at home.

Oh hell hi. You look so cool. You've been with a lady all night I guess for sure. Hey come in ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hello Jürgen I'm Martin from Orbs under the hammer hell yeah I know that the house hedgehog the bloke with the secondhand coats ha ha ha ha ha well I must say that's a curveball having a go at my appearance a bit different if you don't mind me saying but I like it so this must be your living room I see it's arranged a bit like a dungeon with a huge circular bed some chains on the wall and not much else it's quite unusual but you know what I like it you want to try out the mattress yeah for sure I've had a lot of guests try it out but

never a house hedgehog. Ha ha ha ha. No it's all right Jürgen. I had a nice kip in my van last night. Shall we take a look at your kitchen? Oh this is a bit different. Lots of chemistry equipment. It looks more like a laboratory than a kitchen, which is a bit unusual. But I like it. What's that I can smell cooking? Oh, that's dope cake. It's Roy Hutchins recipe. Really mellow. Was handed down to him by Bob Paisley. It's as funky as the moon's tits. You wanna try some? Ha ha ha ha ha! No I'm okay thanks, Jorgen.

What about a hug? Come on, let's hug. Let's hug the living shit out of each other and see where it takes us. Come here, hug me my little house hedgehog. No, no thanks Jorgen. I've just had a full English in the back of me van. I'm full to bust and me knickers are heavy enough as it is so this must be the master bedroom. Yeah for sure ha ha ha. And listeners might be surprised by the fact

that the only thing in here is a huge six foot by four foot SpongeBob replica and a metal bunk bed very unusual do I like it? to be honest that's not sure if I do what's it all about Jürgen? yeah it's a realization of a flashback I had from the first time I sampled Bob Paisley's dope cake I keep it like this to remind me to go easy on that stuff well now I understand very sensible indeed I do I do I do I do I do I do I do I do do definitely like it thank you Jörgen Klopp and good luck

ma ma ma ma ma ten ten ten ten ten definitely like it thank you Jörgen Klopp and good luck Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin Martin footballing types and have a nosey around their arms so I taped it and I thought you might like to have a listen. I'd love to have a listen Bob. Ma ma ma ma ma Martin dooo ma ma ma ma ma Martin Martin tin tin tin tin tin tin tin. Being a celebrity these days can be fraught with difficulties and inconveniences. That's why many of them choose to never leave their homes. But what do their homes look like and what do they get up don't be hard closed doors. Let's find out and see if we like it. See if we like it. Oh look everyone. It's Ex City of Manchester footballing star Mr Michael Richards. Hello

Michael. Hello Martin. I can't believe you're here at my house. Blimey. You look like you've been dragged through a mattress factory. Are you OK? Yes I'm fine thank you. I don't see what's so funny. through a mattress factory, are you ok? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha last night with its choice of pillow density which is an unusual choice to have to make but do you know what i quite like it can i come in michael out of the cold yeah come in you scruffy get well i can immediately see that this is the hallway with its flat walls and its ceiling and its doorways and its heavy footfall carpeting. Am I right? Am I right? Go on, tell me, am I right? If I'm right,

just tell me. Yeah, you're right Martin. I knew it, I knew it. I knew that I was right. Honestly, I should be on the front of a newspaper as the bloke who was right. Oh, Martin, Martin, calm down. You did really well. I'm right-shove for you. So, this must be the living room and kitchen, and it's a big open-plan space with lots of pictures on the wall with slogans. Logans. Words. That's a strange thing to put on you all. I know you will, but I don't like it. I do, I do. I do, me do, me do. Why don't you read some of them out for the listeners, Michael? Hello, K. Er, hello, is it tea you're looking for?

And how many times have you read those words? Oh hundreds and hundreds! But you're still laughing. I do like that. Read out another slogan. Alexa, wash the dishes and clean the floor. So you have to read that one out loud because of course Alexa can't read. No the joke is that Alexa can't actually wash your dishes she's just a voice not actual person. Now you've got me confused Michael. A non person that's got a voice that's unusual but if he keeps you laughing then I must say I like it.

Right, this must be the bedroom and I see it comes with an en suite which as we all know means with sweets. How lovely is that to have a sweet when you're soaking in the tub? How would you know? You look like you've never had a bath in your life. Well I think I've just about had enough of your jibes and digs. I think I've seen enough and I will bid you farewell. Okay, fine by me. Hey Martin heads fell off look where where is it oh oh I see it's just a daft joke I'll tell you what Michael you know your brain yeah you better make sure you get it checked over by an expert before you start using it again ha ha ha fucking footballers

and that's the uh so it was a good episode that and they are for i was enjoyed i enjoyed that a lot yeah i've been listening to uh the martin from homes under the hammer show on the radio you know recording anything decent and quite a good episode this week oh yeah you know it's the show where he goes to Celebrity Holmes takes a look inside famous football people usually it was Peter Beardsley this week Andy how wonderful yes I thought I would tape it and I'll play it for you Andy yeah here we go okay

hello everybody and welcome you are to my show Now you find me outside the house of Mr Peter Beardsley. Ex Newcastle in England footballing. And straight away I can see that the door knocker is in the form of two lovely boiled eggs. Little bit unusual but do you know what? I like it baby. I like it. I like it baby. Let it I like it baby let's see

if anybody's in Peter answer the door will ya these poachers are very very fucking runny and I'm not moving for no one. Er, er, well done love Errr, alright mate How can I help you? Hello Peter, my name's Martin From Holmes Under the Hammer On the BBC And I've come to have a look around your beautiful home

Errr, sorry mate Errr, I don't know anything about that Errr, my wife only lets me watch police intercept her sort of shows. You know what I mean? Who is it Peter? It's a bloke called Martin off the telly. He wants to have a nose round our house like. What does he look like?

A bit like a hedgehog you know that walks on its back legs like. That's Martin from Homes Under the Fucking Hammer. Let him in right now you dozy half-wit. Don't come in Martin and of course make yourself at home. Thank you. Now I can immediately smell a deep and overpowering stench of eggs. It's not unpleasant actually. Reminds me of that morning. I woke up round the back of the little chef in Reading. Bring him in here Peter.

Errrr. Is that her voice? You're fucking... Bring him in here Peter. Hello Mrs Beasley I see it's your eggs I could smell. Oh hello there. Yes that's right Martin. I do like a plate of poachies in the hooker morning. Would you like Peter to fetch you some poachches or would you prefer a fried or even a fork and boiler? no I'm all right thanks so this must be the living room it's very dark dark brown saty dark wood sideboard broody posters of various policemen some of them holding eggs and the curtains shut tight. Ah yeah, your wife does not like any reflection getting on the TV screen like if it gets too dark I'll come downstairs for the spare room and shine my head torch onto a scrambler's

other evening omelette you know. Yes, thank you Peter. Why don't you nick off into the kitchen and fetch a drink for Martin. Do you fetch your sherry or a mug of Hockenbovril? It's very invigorating if you don't mind me saying. God you are beautiful. Right. No.

I'm fine thank you. And there you are. So how long have you lived here? About ten years I reckon. I remember the first day we moved in actually we had a little dog back then called Eggo and he got run over by the removal van Are you still here? Go and do something useful those recycling bins round the back need a good staring at? Well if that's okay by you love, I would love to have a good staring through the kitchen window. Just shout if you need anything. Why don't you come and sit with me on the

sofa Martin. I'll pop a newspaper on the cushion so your jeans don't get any mucky slack on them. I'll tell you what I'll go through to the kitchen with Peter and have a nose about. You finish your poached eggs. I see you've got eight on the plate which is certainly unusual but do you know what I like it. Okay Martin I'll come through and join you in a minute. Well what a lovely kitchen Peter. Nice view of the recycling bins and the conifers through the window. And it's all very sleek and modern with white cabinets and a super modern laminate floor. Must be a great place to cook in for your wife.

To be honest, she very rarely comes in here unless you got a shop on with me. I do all the cooking like. Oh is that right? It's that the done thing these days. And what do you cook? When you're cooking things that need to be cooked? Oh well I'm a big fan of chicken wraps like. Oh William of Orange tell me a bit about these wraps. Well I like a pita pita bread to be a nice and soft and stretchy and I like the chicken really lumpy lumpy lumpy with brown stripes on it you know so it looks like it's outdoor cooked. So do you cook the chicken on the grill here? No I get it from the shop and eat them on the bench opposite the shop on the lower wall next to the bus

depot. Right, righto, righty-o-ho-ho. So what do you cook in here then? Eggs mainly, pork scramble fried omelette, depends what the the right one she loves her eggs like. That's an unusual diet and I'm not sure that I like it. Does she ever eat anything else? I mean eggs can bind you up a bit if you're not careful. Do you know what I mean Harry? She has the occasional bother and the savoury on Fridays but see you to Just Eggs. She's a very eggy lass. Oh hello again Martin. Is he boring you? He bores me terribly. No not at all. He tells me you're a very eggy lass. I don't think I like that at all at all. What? You don't like an eggy lifestyle? No, I don't think I do.

How fucking dare you. Welsing your chipmunk in a fucking overcoat. Anyone who isn't fully on fucking board with a life of eggs is not welcome in this house. Go on, get out before I fucking home. Before I put your fucking home under the hammer. Oh, come on let's not be silly buggers I've got a show to do. I'll give you a show I'll wrap my hacky fucking bandages around your head and then pummel your daft fucking face

until your mind wanders off to Peterbrenner. Now go on get! Well, that was an unusual experience being threatened by a woman who's an egg addict. At first I thought it was most unpleasant, but you know what? At the end of the day, I think I quite liked it. See you next week when I'll be visiting Santi Cazorla's Laughter Emporium. Sounds like a lolathon! See ya! Emporium sounds like a lolathon see ya Ma ma ma ma ma ma Tin tin tin tin tin tin wonderful stuff you get some pleasure

from that yeah was that the entire two I was sure I like it sorry Andy I got carried away Talksport goes from strengths to strengths, Andrew, as far as I'm concerned. And there was a good one, that's how I recorded it. Interested? Oh, completely. All right. Jim White starts off with this recording. Okay. Yeah. Hello and welcome back to Talk Sport with me Jim White. It's difficult to actually express how excited I am to have the next guest on the show. I mean put it this way. I've just

thrust a metal scalpel into a plug socket to bring myself down a level or two. So here he is ladies and gentlemen from the BBC's Homes Under the Hammer. It's Martin Roberts. Welcome Martin. And tell me just how excited are you to be here today? You know to be honest I wasn't that excited but after that introduction I have to admit I'm a bit excited and you know what I like it ah good man I'll tell you how have you excited and I'll tell you how excited I am to have you as a guest today I've

just swallowed a whole big tub of Greek yogurt that's two months past its sell-by date it tasted disgusting but the shock of it helped balance the pure, visceral excitement I'm experiencing from having you on the show. So Martin, your new book is called, But I Like It. It's an incredibly exciting title. Just reading it out has raised my left bollock into me uterus just from fear of the excitement

that is bound to rush over me like a tsunami. What's your book about and is it exciting? Well it's mainly about all the experiences I've had presenting Homes Under the Hammer and the wonderful people I've met along the way. Do you know on one occasion I went into a house that I thought was a bit unusual at first but I ended up quite liking it. Oh steady on Martin you're painting a picture that's so exciting I'm going to have to take a fart into my jar of gherkins back after the break folks. That's an advert coming up now and they right yeah just a little bit of a pause cuz they had to lose out some news a news item hmm bears are large and intimidating explosives are frightening

medical conditions can be life-threatening extremes of weather can be ferocious. But if you buy your building supplies but if you buy your building supplies from Knockjohns, everything will be nice and very pleasant. So don't fight a bear or wander around the desert. Just buy your glazers, putty and plasterboard. Try Knockjohns, where everything is perfectly pleasant and the prices won't give you a heart attack Knockjohn's is stockport it's as safe as the houses you will build welcome back folks and I'm afraid to say that Martin has had to leave the studio because he's left his coat under the arches at London Bridge

Simon Jordan how exciting was that sudden departure I'm not kidding when I start when I say my tits are starting emitting a low hum akin to the starter motor of a Lancaster bomber. Were you excited by that exit? No, not really Jim. The men lack eloquence and transparency. It's typical of these media types that as soon as an argument or diatribe is sufficiently prescient for their underlying frailties they run for cover. I was bored stiff. Oh God help us. Will someone pass me the Branston? That's the end of it. So because it's just an extract Andy you know. Yeah.

There was an episode of Martin's radio show, Martin from Home Under the Hammers this week on the radio. So I taped a bit of it because it was a really good show. It was a really good one. You know where he knows it's around the homes of the rich and famous. Do you want to hear it Andy? I do, yeah. Yeah. Okay, let me just press the play on this one. You join me today outside a huge somewhat gothic mansion set in what looks like over 40 acres of manicured parkland whoever lives here must be worth a bob or two let's knock on the door and see if anyone is at home

or two. Let's knock on the door and see if anyone is at home. Hello what do you want? Who are you? And did you shut the massive gates before you came down the massive drive? It is of course. It's Mr Sting. Hello Sting. And I must say what a beautiful house you have. A bit OTT but I like it. So can I come in? Are you homeless? You look at it. Well you can't live here if that's what you're thinking. I have 24 hour security provided by Geordie Heat and they will remove you and take you away in their squad car at my command for I am Sting the Lord of the Loot Lord of the Loot? That's an unusual nomica but do you know what I like it I like it I like it I like it that no I'm not homeless by the way I've got a van and I live in it and I have a shower at me

mam's every Sunday it's me Martin from Holmes Under the Hammer. Trudy said we could go and do a tour for the radio. Oh bloody Trudy. She never tells me not. I meant to be writing songs today. Well I suppose you had better come in. So this must be the grand entrance hall. It's a double height ceiling with large mullion windows overlooking the staircase. The walls are adorned with medieval instruments and a lot of different sized letter C's. What are the C's for Sting?

Sailing ships in. Ha ha ha ha. Gets people every time that does. How unusual is that? A wall mounted visual joke that requires a verbal punchline. Very unusual. But I do like it. Quite thick carpeting you have. I hear a sting. You have hear a sting. Why is that? What in case I drop my lute mid song to dammin' the sound when Trudy is stomping about trying

to find her yoga mats and thinking sticks and mood ointments. so we're now walking in to what looks like a music studio. tell me what am I looking at Sting? oh right well it's mainly electric carrying wires and consoles from NASA spacecraft and also lots of fucking soundproofing panels because Trudy hates hearing the sound when I play me lutes and dulcimers and Moroccan foot bells and hold on have you been eating Donnaki Bap? yes I had two or three last night so is this where you come for inspiration when you've been told you have to write a song? yes it is and I also come in here if I want to smoke a

tab or eat a great big massive fortune cream cake. would you like to hear a song I've been working on? is it a loot piece? yes. in hell. so what was that you cheeky bastard? nothing Sting. I would love to hear it. Oh great. Right. Here goes. Lovely. Right. Have a seat on that day bed. Oh. A bed for the day. But it's... Oh a bed. But it's for the daytime only. That's very unusual. But I don't like it. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Should you full a mouth. Here goes. Oh Mr Sting was wandering around these massive holes Judy was down the shop so he could play his music loud strumming

on his lute and enjoying every note and then he was interrupted by a hedgehog wearing a coat oh mr. Sting oh mr. Sting Tiddly riddly room Yes Mr. Sting It's Mr. Sting 6798 hedge sorry Mr. Sting could I just stop you there It's that... To be honest that's a very unusual music and the truth is I just don't like it. I'd rather listen to a duck quacking inside a sack of crabs. You cheeky bastard.

Get out of my massive house before I call Geordie Heath on you. How dare you insult my wonderful music. Go on get the fuck out. Fine by me you fucker. I bet you wouldn't play that shit if Trudy was home. Yes I would. At least I don't look like a fucking fat broom. I smell like John McCrillig's bog brush. This whole house stinks. What's it built of? Fucking dog shit. I bet your van hasn't even got an MOT you slack bastard.

I bet you can't even fucking drive you dozy prick. Get out you big fancy fucking duck. Don't worry I'm going. And he slammed the door and that was that. I was listening to the radio yesterday and there was a good episode of you know the show where Martin from Owens under the hammer visits the homes of the rich and famous yes yes I do yeah so I'll play I'll play it for you obviously starts off with the theme tune my my my my my Martin do do do my my my my my Martin my Martin well hello boys and girls and welcome to the show. It's an unusual format but I hope that you like it. I know I do.

So you find me not far from Stoke on Trent in a pretty village outside a lovely 1970s dormer bungalow. Got a lovely yellow door and they were all yellow. Let's give it a knock. Ladies and gentlemen it's ex English football team CEO Mr. Steve McLaren. Hello Steve. Hello Martin. Do come in but try to be a bit quiet because Casper is having a little beauty nap. And who might I ask is Casper. He's my bestest ever friend. He's my rock, my everything. He's like a great big balloon full of pure love and rainbow sprinkles with a fudge topping and a champagne glass full of sympathy and understanding Sounds wonderful. Is he upstairs? Because I don't really need to see upstairs

No he's on the sofa in the living room Ok I'll try to be quiet but it is for radio so I do have to speak Steve Yes I understand that and I really do. So this is the entrance hall. It's got nice thick wool carpet and lovely wallpaper. That's a pattern with big leaves and frogs. It's that unusual but I like it. Did you choose it Steve? No it was Casper's choice. He's as clever with colours as he is with love and kindness. Right, so we're going through to the living room so I'll be nice and quiet.

Oh it's ok. There's no one in here. We can relax. What a beautiful apricot coloured sofa. I must give that a go. No, no, be careful. He's that! What the fuck is that? The fucking snake! Yes, that's Caspar and you've woken him up now.

Does he bite? My fucking god, he's ugly! How dare you disturb Caspar and insult him like that! Go on, get out of my house! Go on, fuck off! Fine by me, you weird fucker! You want to grow up and get a proper pet! I'm weird! Look at you, you scruffy fucking chap! You look like you've been sleeping in a tumble dryer and you smell like cat food! Oh God, this whole house stinks!

What's it built of? Fucking dog shit? Oh, shut up! Have you got VD or something and it's fucked your brain up your brains already fucked you dirty prick get out you dirty fucking head stroller don't worry I'm going what an awful man with an unusual attitude and you know what I didn't like him so I see you next time oh and that was all I'd say Sandy yeah I've more than enough I'd say